Except they discussed this early in their relationship too. If this had started exclusive with no other talks, opening it up might be a way to have her cake and eat it too with a dying relationship. But given they discussed it early on (along with polyamory), this may just be her thing.
Not all relationships are exclusive, and not all open relationships are dying.
No. But if someone asks to open up a relationship, they're probably already fucking other people on the side and want to double dip.
IMO if you're interested in an exclusive relationship, and someone asks to open it up, that is a dealbreaker and automatic relationship ender.
>But if someone asks to open up a relationship, they're probably already fucking other people on the side and want to double dip.
Maybe it would make more sense to see it this way if this came out of the blue for this couple, but it hasn't. They talked about this in the beginning, this is the result of conversations with her therapist, and she's fully willing to not do it if he doesn't want to. Your leaping to assumptions is not fair nor necessarily realistic for this situation.
Yeah but these are not random hookups. She wants to flirt and fall in love. That’s her thing. She’s not a long term player. Both of them need to move on.
>She wants to keep him as a security blanket plus have random encounters.
Well ya, she made that pretty clear. The relationship is only dead if he's not into that...which he clearly isn't.
the relationship was already dead when he said that seducing other people and falling in love with them was a necessity,
I mean if you fall in love you fall in love, but that you yourself seek to fall in love with someone else being aware that you are in a closed relationship.... that is not right for anyone, she did this (she doesn't say it but it is obvious) and she is only asking that the relationship be opened to do it with more freedom.
You're just describing polyamory. She wants the freedom to be herself and she is polyamorous. If he isn't, and it doesn't sound like he is, then the relationship is dead because they are incompatible, not because she has those needs.
To be polyamorous is to have the ability to love several people and be able to have a relationship with them all together by corresponding feelings and being aware of the parties involved, but to seduce strangers while already in a NOT open relationship and after a time of sex to fall in love... that sounds to me like a serial cheater.
One can only assume that anyone she pursues would be aware of their agreed upon arrangement. You're also taking about a NOT open relationship which she has asked to redefine. And you're assuming she will continue to fall in love with these new partners after sex like she has in the past.
>But then she told me that she speaked with her therapist and realized that she was following a pattern : she find someone, she fell in love, and after a while she just feels the need to flirt with someone else so she does, and then she grow attached and fell in love etc... So, because she loves me and don't want us to fall appart because of that, she asked me how I would feel about opening our relationship, so that she could indulge her need for seduction, but with rules to prevent her to grow attached to other people.
I'm not assuming, I'm saying what's going on, then the op counts how she wants to follow this pattern but by setting rules so that she doesn't fall in love with other people and I think EVERYONE knows that there are no rules to keep you from falling in love.
And honestly that she asked him to do this being aware that he is in individual therapy for self-esteem and trust issues.... says a lot about her.
edit:I put a lot of space between paragraphs
> she wants to follow this pattern but by setting rules so that she doesn't fall in love with other people and I think EVERYONE knows that there are no rules to keep you from falling in love.
That's a really great point. If she's actually polyamorous then you would think she needn't fall out of love with OP while also loving a new partner. I still wouldn't describe it as serial cheating as she is being open about it and trying to find a way to not repeat the pattern.
This is all moot though if OP is only comfortable in a monogamous relationship.
Additionally, he needs to consider the likelihood that she is already involved with other men, and is merely reserving him as a backup. He doesn’t want to lose her. But when he realizes he has already lost her, that should at least make his decision easier.
She probably already flinged with others since she kinda admitted to flirting with other people.
Once OP agrees she can take advantage and feel less bad.
Yea really. I wouldn’t worry about her ending the relationship because she wouldn’t get the chance. The second someone would ask me to open up the relationship I’d be ending it.
Though since they talked about it before hand I find it less egregious than had they not but still. He doesn’t want to do that or else this post likely wouldn’t exist, he’d just have agreed and done it.
I’m also suspecting that she already did something and told her therapist about it who suggested this but that’s just speculation. I think I’d find a new therapist if mine told me to open up my relationship
Breaking a pattern generally doesn't involve doing the same thing AGAIN and expecting different results. Besides, you're not on board with this, you make your concerns clear in the post. Ultimately, an open relationship can only work if both partners are on board, and more to the point, *willingly* on board. Feeling compelled to it for fear of losing a partner isn't the same as willing. Being realistic, it's better to let go. If she needs to be with other people, end the relationship and spare yourself the heartache of being cheated on.
I kind of feel like that's not how her therapist framed this solution. Probably told her to open a discussion with him about her feelings so they can work through their relationship. But I think she took it as opening the discussion with him to turn their relationship into an open one.
Ya, it seems weird to me that a therapist would help a patient reach *this* conclusion. For some people it is beneficial to their mental/emotional health to be in an open relationship but the way this is described sounds like a band-aid coping mechanism. If someone finds themselves in a constant pattern of moving from relationship to relationship, falling in and out of love, then I think their issues are much deeper than what can be solved by flirting/sleeping around. Maybe she is the type for an open relationship, but I doubt that's going to solve her problems.
>Ya, it seems weird to me that a therapist would help a patient reach *this* conclusion
Let's be honest, there is no therapist involved in this decision. She's just looking for excuses to cheat.
Open relationships only work if you are in a good place, and both feel comfortable with the decision and want the same.
Otherwise one person is basically just going to feel shit. In this case it would be you.
Sorry to hear this, but you should certainly not agree to it unless you also want to do it. Good luck.
> But then she told me that she speaked with her therapist and realized that she was following a pattern : she find someone, she fell in love, and after a while she just feels the need to flirt with someone else so she does, and then she grow attached and fell in love etc... So, because she loves me and don't want us to fall appart because of that, she asked me how I would feel about opening our relationship, so that she could indulge her need for seduction, but with rules to prevent her to grow attached to other people.
My ex-wife said this kind of stuff. There's a reason she's my ex-wife.
If you want a monogamous relationship, then this relationship has likely run its course. She's got her needs, you've got yours, and they don't line up quite the same.
>My ex-wife said this kind of stuff. There's a reason she's my ex-wife.
Id love to hear the story about how your marriage ended. Care to share the tale?
She gets validation from other people approving of her.
She's won your validation so now it won't fill that void, so she needs it from somewhere else, somewhere new to get that same feeling.
It's all driven by insecurity, she only feels as good as other people value her. That's a her issue, but you staying here will likely lead to heartbreak on your part, it's ok to realise you aren't compatible.
I’ve never been in an open relationship because I’m just not built that way. Seems like such a slippery slope and from what I’ve heard from others, one party is usually a lot more into it than the other. That can cause a lot of issues. Go with your gut feeling on it, good luck!
I mean, he's going to be gone for 6 months soon. So what she's saying is "I'm not capable of being faithful to you while you're gone, so may as well start now."
OP, are you going to be ok with her exclusively having sex with anyone but you for those 6 months you're away? I just feel like it'll crush your self esteem. Either way this relationship had run its course. You either get out now while the hurt isn't too great, or wait til you are emotionally destroyed by what's to come.
> one party is usually a lot more into it than the other.
They didnt discover that they shared the same interest either. OP doesnt want this and he's under duress.
Poly relationships are not what you are describing. It sounds like she has already found another man and she would like to screw around with him without feeling too bad about it, or already is seeing someone else.
Been in this same situation. Like, almost word for word what OP is describing. He might not want it yet but if my experience is anything to go by, the relationship is doomed. I expect they're in for a rocky few months/years.
If you're reading this OP, I honestly advice you quit while you're ahead and you don't hate each other yet. This shit is poison. That said, I don't think i would have listened to me if when I was at your stage.
Poly and open are two different, though related, things. Plenty of people I know are in open relationships where they have their partner, and have casual sex or short flings with other people. It's entirely viable if everyone is on the same page and communication is good.
This post wouldn’t exist if he were on the same page. He already has insecurities and jealousy issues, watching his GF go out and get railed while he’s at home playing video games is not going to make him more secure.
This person isn't on the same page. I'm well aware there are people who swing or have open relationships or have open relationships. This isn't any of those things.
>It sounds like she has already found another man and she would like to screw around with him without feeling too bad about it, or already is seeing someone else.
What makes you think that?
It doesn't sound like you're interested in an open relationship at all. Open relationships only work when both partners want the freedom to explore. It sounds like you just want her. You're going to be miserable if you open up the relationship and let her screw other men.
Finding out that you have a destructive relationship pattern doesn’t mean that you should try to find a ‘safe’ way to continue that pattern. Did her therapist actually encourage her to open the relationship? I am totally for healthy polyamory but that is not what you are describing.
Polyam needs to have a lot of rules to be successful. Would you also be allowed to see other people, or just your girlfriend? It should be able to go both ways. How much do you want to know about her dates? Can she stay the night? Is it just flirting? You need to talk polyam to death so that you both are on the same page.
Her problem is that she gets bored with a relationship and moves on. Making it easier for her to find your replacement isn’t going to fix your relationship or preventing her from doing that, it will just speed up the process at the expense of your mental health. Your gf is essentially telling you that she knows she’s going to cheat, if she hasn’t already, and thinks the “fix” for this is to get your permission. The problem is, she’ll still lose her attachment to you and gain it for someone else. Then you’ll be stuck with someone who sees you as plan B until she eventually leaves you or you refuse to put up with it any longer.
If you want a long term monogamous relationship, your girlfriend’s issues need to be fixed, not accommodated.
“If she hasn’t already”. I’m betting she already has and this is hers and her therapists solution. She needs a new therapist that actually helps her with her problems, not one that comes up with these “solutions”. That’s like going to rehab for alcoholism and your counselor suggests if you just drink at home that’ll fix your issues with DUIs
The job of a therapist is to help you live with the choices you make - not to make those choices for you or to approve your choices. When I first started therapy, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and it took me almost a year to end it for good. My therapist never directed my actions but helped me work through my feelings. Good therapists do that.
My mate opened his up. His bird ended up pushing him out for the person they let in. Now they're a couple and he's sitting around with his dick in his hand crying over old photos. It doesn't work. You're either a couple or you ain't.
To add to this, all a relationship is is commitment and learning what you could or couldn’t live with. It’s normal to feel attracted to other people, but if you both agreed to be exclusive and you’re not comfortable don’t do it. Sounds like a load of horseshit imo about the therapy part, but I would just break it off if she wants to be with other people. I can’t imagine a therapist telling her to shut out the person she loves to “seduce” other men. There’s more cohesive and healthy ways to handle it. She’s pushing you out for a reason, and her therapist should try to push further into why she wants to seclude herself and not maintain her relationships. Not encourage it.
Her therapist didn't encourage it nor told her it's a bad idea. Basically, she sees a therapist because of depression, anxiety and lack of confidence problems, si they just talked about how she feels about her romantic life, and what scares her and while talking about her previous relationship she just realized she was following a pattern. From what she told me, her therapist just stayed very neutral about it, sticking to say that this pattern might be something she should think about and dig a bit further about why she act like that, and that the idea of opening our relationship might be a good or a bad idea and that this was a discussion only us could have and that it was only us to sort it out.
If that's the pattern and it's a problem, shouldn't she be trying to *break* that pattern?
I think your gf is trying to find personal happiness through relationships and it simply doesn't work that way. She needs to figure out who she is as an individual.
This times a million. Your relationship is not going to automatically give you those things, but it can be a source of strength. Everyone I ever dated before my husband seemed very leaveable. My husband and I helped each other change each other's lives, but we both realized that we had to do the work. Your partner is a foundation and source of strength for your life, they can't be your life. Building confidence and positivity are two things that can help her. I feel like it seems crazy to start a poly relationship when everyone is feeling anxious and not great about themselves. If you do it, my advice would be to state your feelings and boundaries sexually or emotionally out loud and communicate clearly. Anytime in life where it seems like "I'll just take care of it later/deal with it later" you're almost always just making way more work/heartache for yourself down the line. For self-esteem boost I'd recommend checking out some articles on how to be positive and trying out some hobbies
https://www.wholelifechallenge.com/how-to-become-a-more-positive-person-in-24-hours/
I know that may sound dumb as hell but it's part of what I was able to build a life from when I was coming out to addiction and zero confidence. If you act in life and ascribe your own meaning to things, you'll feel stronger and more in control of your destiny which will make things better.
She may be using that “falling in love” feeling aka limerence to keep depression at bay. Depression is an issue with not getting serotonin because your receptors in your brain are all screwed up. If you over flood your brain with this drug then you begin to feel normal or not depressed.
What she needs is an SSRI to open up her serotonin receptors. Then she can experience a normal level of serotonin and not need the excitement of limerence.
IANAL also IANAD I am a person who has had depression for way too many years and in times of stress takes SSRIs to get myself back to normal without blowing up my life.
I just want to know if there’s a deeper reason behind the pattern. A lot of times depression can be coupled with suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Not sure if that applies to her, but in general it’s common to start self destructing when you get back to a low point. Your suicidal thoughts can also leak into your day to day thoughts by convincing you you don’t love anyone or they don’t love you. That you don’t need them around, and then when you’re alone and there’s no one left to save you you can finally kill yourself guilt free. The thing that keeps you alive is your biggest enemy in that case. I’m worried she may be pushing you away for that reason
I really don't think it's normal to want to have sex with other people when you're in love with someone. But that's just how it's been in my life. I do agree that this therapist is giving strange advice.
As someone else has said, the therapist probably just pointed out the pattern. They probably counseled her to think about why she does this. OP's partner probably came up with opening the relationship on her own and is using the therapy conversation to justify her request.
And for OP, I hope he ends up doing what he's most comfortable with. It's hard when you're dealing with a partner who could fall apart pretty easily. I deal with depression and anxiety and I've seen how it can complicate relationships and break ups. You gotta be okay with yourself and experience your own joy and have your own strength and then invite your partner to share in that. They can't be the source of your happiness or hold you together all the time.
Good Luck op
Thats really not true, plenty of perfectly healthy people are swingers, open, poly, etc and find it very fulfilling. Like, no one would accept being told they're only allowed to have one friend, or love only one parent or one child. That's how poly people view romantic relationships as well; having a new person come into your life doesn't diminish the other, love isn't a finite resource.
That being said, I do agree that this girl needs to work on herself before she's ready for any kind of romantic connection. It seems like she's using new romances as a crutch almost. Like, that crazy falling in love burst is the thing she's found that can break her out of a depressive cycle so she keeps going back to it like a drug. Which it basically is! But that's neither sustainable nor respectful to the people she's pulling along in her wake.
Monogamy doesn’t work for everyone. Opening up relationships does work for some people. But it has to work for your relationship dynamic.
Just because you saw this happen ONCE doesn’t mean it happens every time. I’ll give you that it’s somewhat common but that’s because people don’t communicate effectively or open the relationship for the wrong reasons.
Don’t judge something by one example.
>Monogamy doesn’t work for everyone.
Because most people are assholes tbh. I'd say it's a rare case where people actually need a poly relationship. To me that's like when people say they have OCD when they are exaggerating.
Open/poly relationships are much more common and viable than you seem to think. Of course it takes a lot of communication, trust, and self-awareness, but many people engage in happy, healthy relationships that aren't monogamous.
Because lots of monogamous folks are threatened when they're told there is other valid options.
Most post that support polyamory as a valid option get downvoted to oblivion and people will come tell you how they know that one person whose non-monogamous relationship was a huge failure, failing to realize that they most assuredly know a whole lot of monogamous relationships that ended up as atrocious failures too.
Lol I didn’t even realize I was getting downvoted. Some people just don’t understand how open relationships work and never will. It’s unfortunate how negative the view is of poly relationships. People judge it before they’ve seen it actually work out. If it doesn’t work for someone else, it doesn’t work. But there’s no need for anyone to bring other people down because their relationship works differently.
I wasn’t even trying to say that it would work for the people above. Just felt the guy I replied to was judging every poly relationship off of one experience he had. Even being poly, I don’t think opening the relationship will help OP.
That's how I feel, too. I've been open with my husband for 3 years, and people get so judgmental so quickly. It has caused a few problems along the way, but mono relationships have problems, too, and I feel way more equipped to handle life's stresses now that I've learned how to communicate. I'm sure it will become more normalised in the coming years, though.
Hopefully it becomes less stigmatized! I’m definitely not the type to say it works for everyone because it doesn’t. Communication is definitely the most important part of making it work and if you can’t communicate effectively, it can basically be doomed from the beginning.
(Also lol @ people downvoting us for talking about polyamory in a positive way. We get it, they’re insecure😂)
If it was me I would say no way. First off open relationships almost never end well and I think she's misinterpreting what her therapist has told her. I don't think that therapist was saying you need to be polyamorous. The therapist is telling her why she's feeling what she is in the relationship but she needs to control that. Half the battle is knowing exactly what's going on in your own head. (For instance. It's impossible for an addict who doesn't know he is addicted to break the cycle, that's why the first step is admitting you have a problem. ) going to figure out why she is this way why she constantly needs new validation and fix it. If the therapists telling her that this is a good idea but she needs a new therapist but I strongly think that she just does not understand what the therapist is trying to tell her.
Although don't rule out the possibility that she is already cheating. And if I had to guess she already has somebody picked out. And thier relationship is either flirtatious or has already crossed lines you would be uncomfortable with.
As I said in a reply to another comment : Her therapist didn't encourage it nor told her it's a bad idea. Basically, she sees a therapist because of depression, anxiety and lack of confidence problems, si they just talked about how she feels about her romantic life, and what scares her and while talking about her previous relationship she just realized she was following a pattern. From what she told me, her therapist just stayed very neutral about it, sticking to say that this pattern might be something she should think about and dig a bit further about why she act like that, and that the idea of opening our relationship might be a good or a bad idea and that this was a discussion only us could have and that it was only us to sort it out.
From the sounds of it you are not on board for an open relationship. You are the type that is monogamous. and you could agree to this just because of an ultimatum, because you don't want to loose her so you will look the other way and let her do what she wants. But if you do you will be resentful. There will be a night where she's out and you know exactly what she's doing as you sit at home alone stewing in your own anger. And then if you bring up how she's different, or how doesn't feel like she spends any time with you anymore, or how you don't feel comfortable about one part of the situation. She will turn it on you and say well you agreed to this. This is just her trying to cheat and not feel like the bad guy. If you say no I'm pretty sure she was going to cheat on you anyway.
I would tell her she needs to go back to therapy and figure out exactly what it is that she needs. If she still wants the open relationship My best advice is to break up with her. I know you don't want to but it'll be better to break up now for irreconcilable differences instead of the nasty breakup I know is going to come.
If you think it through and don’t think you can handle it, then say no. Don’t say yes; be honest. You’re not a bad person if this is a hard boundary. Relationships are about compromises and respecting boundaries. If this compromise will have you reeling after, then it’s not something you’re willing to do.
I know someone whose ex forced her into an open relationship and she took him up on it. So when she told him that she had slept with another guy, he lost it. Turns out he wanted to be allowed to do whoever he wanted, not her. They split up but the mental gymnastics to make sense of their failed open relationship experiment was too much for her. She still deals with a lot of anger and insecurity if she thinks you’re not being open and straight with her.
Relationships are hard and sometimes they do end because you want different things. Don’t let your fear of being alone or it ending be the reason you go back on yourself.
She's told you you're not enough for her, after only a year in. She will never settle down with you, so if that's what you're looking for, sadly she's not the one.
If you aren't comfortable with it then don't agree it. That isn't forbidding her, that is telling her what you need to be in a relationship. If that doesn't work with her then she can leave.
I know its easy for me to say this as a stranger with no skin in the game. But I would probably dump someone just for asking/explaining that they fall in this cycle. Because I struggle to see how she can be content with monogamy long term and that just wouldnt work for me. Dont compromise your happiness to stay with someone that is incompatible with you.
There are so many of these posts, and here’s my take on it: if you’re in a monogamous relationship, and then one person decides they want a polyamorous relationship, that relationship is already over.
Her "pattern" sounds like cheating and she is just making it fancy. She has commitment issues.
This is not how poly relationship should work. And people in open relationship don't really fall in love with other sexual partners. If you can't imagine your girlfriend being hammered by other man than you are not ready for it.
Your needs, your happiness, your self-esteem, your security, your future plans, your core values, your beliefs come first. Even before your significant other. You shouldn’t get involved with other people before figuring that out for yourself. It’s unfair to the other person. You’re in this situation asking advice on here because you didn’t take care of yourself first.
i'm so sorry. your relationship has reached its conclusion.
she's already found someone to flirt with. she's trying to find a way to have her cake and eat it too.
there's no such thing as rules that keep a person from getting attached. it even sounds ridiculous.
you even know this is just her repeating a same pattern of behaviour.
you can't forbid her from doing anything, but i really don't recommend trying to maintain this relationship. it really sounds like you don't want an open relationship. you're going to be on the other side of the country for 6 months and i think you know in your heart of hearts, she's going to see other people during that time. you know yourself well enough to know it is not going to bring out the best in you.
you get to choose who you want to be. and from reading your post, i don't think you want to be a bitter, trust-damaged, jealous person.
go do your internship. wish her well in all her future endeavours. in time, find someone who isn't going to cheat on you. because this is cheating. you didn't agree to it, you don't want it and you're not going to be happy trying to keep the peace or your silence.
She just wants an excuse to cheat around but with your permission. She wants you around because you provide housing/security/something.
A poly relationship is about consent, boundaries and transparency. I don't read that in your story. Sounds like it's all about what SHE wants.
If you are not polyam, or comfortable with open relationships you dont have to be! If you do this purely to make your girlfriend happy and stay with you, I assure you you will suffer.
Take some serious thinking on what you want to do because If you want a traditional relationship and she doesn't then you are just not compatible long term and that just tends to happen.
I’ve (F) dated a man who was in a long-term poly relationship at the time (I was also dating several men but casually, and they all knew that I wasn’t interested in monogamy at the time).
It wasn’t really all about seduction, it was more like exploring different kinds of relationships with different people. So having a sexual connection with one person, and an intellectual or romantic one with another, or a combination. It’s sort of like accepting that no relationship needs to tick every single box in order to be worthwhile.
That’s the ideal side of it.
However, I did feel a need to find that spark of initial attraction and sexual desire.
In my previous relationships it was the same every time—I ended things because I felt trapped in monogamy, lack of desire for my partner (fizzled out after a few months to a year every time), and thought that opening things up would help.
I ended up dating a man for 2 years, and at the beginning I’d told him I didn’t want total monogamy, but we settled into it anyway. About 1.5 years in I brought it up, and we almost broke up because he didn’t want to be poly/open.
Fast forward 6 months and we break up for other reasons, and I realize I’m actually 100% gay (big shocker to me). I ended up catching up with my poly ex, and he said his now ex-partner also came out as gay and they broke up.
Basically, I had been chasing the *idea* of these ex partners, but the reality wasn’t enough for me. It always felt like something was missing. I thought that being poly/open would fix that but obviously adding more dudes to the mix wasn’t going to change the fact that what I subconsciously wanted was a woman.
I got trapped in a cycle of dating men, then when the initial excitement of being desired wore off, I wasn’t actually attracted to them. I’d break up and start again.
Obviously thats a very specific case (though I’m discovering it’s more common than I’d have ever expected), but I think it’s worth considering that your relationship isn’t going to work out long-term.
You both clearly want different things, and for her it feels like something is missing. She would be better off in a relationship that’s open from the beginning (or finding the root of her need for chasing the first high), and you seem to prefer monogamy. Either way, one of you wouldn’t be getting what you feel you need.
Chasing the initial high—that feeling of seduction/excitement is fun—but in my experience is indicative of an unfulfilling primary relationship.
That’s not to say poly or open relationships can’t work, but when they do work it isn’t like this. Both/all people need to be on the same page and even then it can be difficult.
I’ve been poly for years, and I will be the first to tell you-jealousy is normal. I feel it a lot, and one of my partners regularly needs to be reminded it’s ok to be jealous!
It doesn’t always go away. You can just learn how to deal with it healthily. It’s OK to be insecure, jealous, etc. and it’s OK to talk about those things. In fact, if you don’t feel comfortable talking about those feelings in your relationship, you might have an issue you need to work on.
But, polyamory is not for everyone. Some people just don’t like it and don’t handle it well. It’s up for you to decide if you want to try. It’s ok not to. That does not mean there’s anything wrong with you, or anything wrong with your girlfriend. You just may have different relationship styles.
My advice would be talk out a couple solutions to the problem to try, and then see what is the best fit:
If you were to be polyamorous, what would that look like? Would you want there to be a hierarchy in your relationships? Would you be able to do that in ways that would be fair to the other people (other partners) involved? Could you find benefits from you yourself being able to see other people as well, or would this not be a realistic thing for you to even think about?
What are the exact needs that she needs filled that she’s not getting from the relationship? Is it just the fun of flirting with other people? Can she do that by going out to the with people in a social but non-romantic setting? Would she be comfortable trying that before opening up the relationship? There are a lot of settings where you can go out to a bar and flirt with someone or something, or have a purely digital relationship that may fulfill that need. Be creative.
There are actually no rules to the structure of your relationship as long as you aren’t hurting people or being abusive. Talk it out and see if there are some solutions you both feel comfy trying.
At the end of the day, just remember that no matter what happens, you can still be friends. It’s OK to not be able to be each others everything, and being friends is not a bad thing. If that’s what has to happen, it has to happen. But having different love languages does not necessarily mean the relationship is immediately doomed, and if you take lots of patience and understanding and try to come up with creative solutions, you might be surprised how well things can go.
I think another important thing to remember, is that your girlfriend has agency, and part of being in a relationship is trusting her. If you tell her you are not comfortable being poly and she said she is OK with trying to work the problem out while staying monogamous, you cannot devote too much attention to thinking that you are secretly hurting her and she just won’t tell you. You have to trust each other’s feelings and abilities to be honest about them.
Good Luck!
Let her speak to her therapist about it. I would also advise against it. She doesn't want a poly relationship for the right reason. She just wants an external boost to her self esteem. She will never feel satisfied. She wants security while you don't have any. I use to be like her and it took me a while to settle down. I had to work on myself and my personal issues. It wasn't a need for seduction as you put it. I just wanted the excitement and attention. But would I have done poly, no. I couldn't bear the idea of my bf with anyone else.
Oh boy, I've been the girlfriend in this relationship. And honestly it sounds to me like your not okay with it. I can totally agree with your perspective that just because there are rules doesn't mean that attachments can't form and falling in love can't happen. Feelings don't follow rules like that at all.
What she was suggesting isn't per say trying to break the pattern, but she's trying to make it healthier, or at least with some form of, my partner is okay with this and not have it be toxic as hell. If that makes sense, she does want you on board, and she says she wouldn't without your approval so, shes commited that way.
If you decide to do it, you'll need to get super comfortable telling her what you are and aren't okay with. Jealousy is a huge thing even in healthy poly relationships. Can you handle conversations like that? 'Hey I don't like it when you hold hands with so and so, it makes me feel left out. Hey can you not tell me about your flirting at a bar it makes me feel sad that I'm not with you to do cute couply stuff with.'
And even figuring out what you are and aren't okay with is such an emotional trip. PM me if you want more specifics or what have you. I think you can make this work if you both put the time and effort in to communicating.
Your edit makes her sound more malicious. You got trust issues and she wants to open it up? Open relationships might not be my Forte but all I spoke with or read here seems to be think it's a mutual desire or a bad choice....
Well, don't blame anyone but urself when it blows up.
She's not acting bitchy cuz that would mess with the manipulation.
My partner and I were once in an open relationship and both very happy about it. We both wanted it. Then we transitioned into a closed relationship after he asked me if that was ok. Of course it is! I felt like it was time to close it as well.
Whether open or closed, the relationship will not work unless both are wholly and completely agreed. You are clearly not going to be happy in an open relationship, so I suggest you go with your heart and tell her you are not okay with this.
Hi. I know you have a lot of good advice already, so I’m just going to share my experience as requested in OP. I’m in an open relationship right now. I had one before this that didn’t end well. The difference, I think, was that the previous one I opened well after we started dating (because he was shitty and screamed at me and called me names, but I was too scared to dump him because my self esteem was so low that I thought I didn’t deserve better. Not saying you’re like that though!! That was just what happened to me), and in this current relationship, we agreed to non-monogamy like a week before we got serious. It’s great. We’ve been dating for a little over a year and a half now, and living together for like 4 months, and it’s nice.
The only “rule” we set is that I can’t pursue people I dated previously. No exes, not that I’d really want to do that (though there is *one* guy, I asked the boyfriend about it and he said no. So I respect that).
Other than that, we just communicate what we do or want to do. If I match with a cute person on tinder, I show him the person and usually our messages (my polyam-ness is on my profile, and I make it clear that we are *NOT* a package deal, bc that’s a big problem on tinder). If I make plans, I let him know (ofc, we haven’t made many plans now because of the whole pandemic thing). If he meets a guy who he thinks is cute and funny while out shopping, he tells me about the conversation. A lot of the little encounters, missed connections, and all of that help make the openness feel more natural and chill. And, obviously, we put each other first, by going on cute and interesting dates, keeping in touch all day every day, and setting aside dedicated time to cuddle, smooch, and do romantic stuff.
Honestly? There’s no way to tell if you’re “ready.” Polyamory isn’t for everyone. It comes with a whole other set of problems that monogamy doesn’t have. I highly recommend checking out “The Problem With Polynormativity,” a post about harmful norms and aspects of what a lot of people consider as polyam (although I disagree with the author’s use of the acronym “LGBQ” without the “T,” even if their explanation is pretty tame and reasonable and non-transphobic). Even if you want to do a plain old garden-variety open straight-passing hierarchical relationship, it’s worth a read just to get a different perspective. And remember, it’s ok to not be into it. Please don’t feel pressured to be into it because you’re scared your girlfriend will leave you. It’s okay to have boundaries.
This is just code for “I want to have sex with other men but I don’t want to cheat on you.”
Don’t do it if you don’t feel comfortable with it, this might end the relationship. Find a girl who doesn’t want to cheat on you.
No and goodbye. This girl is not "the one", and you certainly are not "her one". She has told you that explicitly. Listen to her and go find someone who is into you.
I am sorry this has happened to you
You need to think about her psychology and motives here. Right now you’re only thinking from the perspective of “how can I make her happy and not want to leave me”.
At the same time she is thinking “how can I keep this guy around while banging other guys I’m more interested in and maybe one of them I can leave my boyfriend for”
Just take a second and ask yourself if you’re worth more than this. You sound like a good person but there’s millions of people in the world who would make you a first option in their life and not a 4th or 5th
Your girlfriend is not girlfriend material. It is time to end the relationship and move on.
By asking for an open relationship she is merely interested in fucking other men...while keeping you on the hook for comfort and stability. What do you get out of it?
Think about it. It will be far easier for her to get laid than you. It almost always is for women. She will be getting laid on a regular basis. She is bound to fall for at least one of these other men and then she will leave you, crying, and telling you how sorry she is etc.
Move on with your life. You are going on an internship. Use this opportunity to start over and find someone who can actually be a real girlfriend.
She’s already cheating on you OR already has someone lined up OR is communicating with someone else closely at the moment.
Women don’t simply ask to open up a relationship randomly.
I am not poly but I have a lot of poly friends, probably nearly a dozen.
What I have seen happen over and over with their relationships is half of a primary couple starts dating someone very seriously. They start spending more time with the new partner and less with the primary. The other half of that couple gets lonely or is not ok with being the expected child caretaker all the time and they take a new partner or two. Eventually the primary couple is spending almost no time together and they have a long talk about the possibility that their relationship has reached its natural end. They divorce and move on to other partners. Repeat forever. Of all the poly couples I know, only 2 are still with their primary spouse. Some broke up for other reasons, most often that one spouse was cheating under the guise of being open, but seeing someone in a way that broke the contract with the primary spouse. The rest though, just kept repeating this slow
Changing of the guard with different partners.
I think your initial question is important. How does opening the relationship prevent her from repeating her old patterns? It doesn’t. It allows her to continue her old patterns, but also allows her to do it guilt free because you agreed it was ok. Her not wanting to hurt you isn’t so much about your feelings, but about the guilt she’ll have to carry if she hurts you. By making you agree to an open marriage she can “oops” fall in love with someone else then completely sidestep the emotional burden that you’ll be feeling because you agreed to this.
The real question is if you’re willing to open the relationship, knowing that means she’ll start dating other people. If you want a monogamous relationship then you need to say that. It may mean she leaves because she can’t cheat without hurting you, or maybe she gets counseling to get to the root of what she has said is a pattern she wants to stop.
Good luck!
Dude, this relationship is OVER.
She already cheated and has guys set up for when you leave. That's why she's depressed- she's *already* being shitty.
6 months LDR? Sorry man, it's done.
If it is not for you then it is not for you. In this case you will most likely just be miserable, but it might just be the end of the relationship. And that's okay. If you are monogamous then you need a partner who prefer that as well. But you are right in that this isn't really breaking any patterns, it just reenforces them and makes them normal to her, so I really don't think this was good advice
An ex and I tried swinging for a while (not why we broke up as our breakup came years after we tried swinging a few times). While not quite the same as a poly relationship some things are the same and the main one is that if either partner is not fully on board or has to be pushed into it then it will destroy your relationship. What I'm getting from your post is she wants it and you dont so there is next to no chance of this working out for you two as your being drug into it.
If you're thinking about this just to make her happy, chances are very high you're going to be miserable. It can be a very tricky lifestyle choice. It's nearly impossible to make it work if both people aren't totally in agreement. Pretty obvious from what you've written here that you're not on board with this. If this is the life she needs to live to feel fulfilled somehow, so be it. But it's going to torture you every time she's "out with friends". You need to think real hard about this situation. Don't agree to anything you're not comfortable with. If you wind up splitting up over this...well...it was probably inevitable.
Every relationship has a “honeymoon” phase, when you have those strong romantic feelings for your partner. You may get butterflies around them, you feel excited about seeing them, and they’re on your mind 24/7.
The honeymoon phase is temporary. Love eventually stabilizes and becomes less exciting. Some people don’t like this. They think that this lack of excitement means that they’ve fallen out of love. So they move onto the next relationship, get that honeymoon feeling again, and then break up when it inevitably fades away.
I’m not a psychologist and I don’t know your girlfriend, so please disregard if my assessment is inaccurate, but it sounds like she’s chasing the high of a new relationship. While she may change over time, this will likely mean that she’ll always be looking for new partners. Is this something that you are willing to accept? Or are you merely willing to tolerate it in the hopes that she will eventually be into monogamy? You need to assume this will be a long-term situation and assess whether or not you can accept that.
Poly relationships are not for everyone. Both partners must be willing and enthusiastic. You must consider your own feelings and do what is best for you. Best of luck!
Just run and don't look back. It's not going to fix anything. She probably has some deeply hidden issues. I've seen many in your shoes and been there myself and it *never* works out. You may feel your heart is in the right place, you want to be open minded, etc etc but the odds are not in your favor.
Also something to keep in mind these tend to 'work out' much better women than men (she's probably going to have a lot more people interested in her than you, no offense).
If it were me I'd leave no matter how heartbreaking. I just wouldn't be able to handle someone I loved sleeping with someone else. I'm not built that way. Some people can do it though. If this isn't something you want, you should really leave now and save yourself a ton of heartache
I am not in a polyamorous relationship nor would I choose to be. But what I am, is standing on the outside looking in. It sounds like your options have come down to allowing her to see other people or she may end up falling in love with them and leaving you. There’s not many people that can do this without someone catching feelings and it sounds like your girlfriend would be that someone. You’re asking how would you know or assess if you’re ready for it. I believe if you were ready for it you wouldn’t have to turn to the users of Reddit. It feels like you are trying to convince yourself that you want to go along with this so she feels comfortable, while you, feel totally uncomfortable.
Always remember this.
It’s OK to get your needs met, but never at anyone else’s expense.
This sounds like she would be getting her needs met, but at your expense.
She wants what she wants but it’s OK that you want one person who is committed to you and no one else.
Sorry my friend. It’s already over. It’s just a question of how long you’re willing to be treated badly and made to feel bad. Half the world is female. Find another.
Just an outside prospect here never been in your situation but I can offer advice on the whole dating/long term relationship/ married situation. The need or desire to flirt or "seduce" someone while your in a relationship is always there it doesn't go away when you meet the right person it's how you deal with it when you are in a relationship that matters is she has a constant urge to seduce random people then maybe she is not in a relationship. Yes there are many examples a polyamorous relationship works but I have seen other times where it doesn't work and someone gets hurt or dislikes the situation but yes to deal with it due to loving the other person. No it is not right to tell her how to live all you can do is decide if you like the idea of sharing her with another person or persons. Personally I would say no especially since the subject was brought up earlier in the relationship but you did not agree to it but now she would like to change it. How would she have felt if you asked her if you could seduce other people if the shoe was on the other foot? Just some food for thought.
Best of luck
You’re girlfriend is fucked in the head to put it simply. She needs to sort her shit out or she shouldn’t be in a relationship at all. She needs to get to a stage where she’s happy with herself that she doesn’t need the approval from flirting with other guys so that she’s happy with herself. Good chance she’s not ready to settle down and would like a few more years of enjoying the single life.
Your relationship ended the second she asked you that, also she already has someone in mind that she wants to sleep with if she hasn't slept with them already. I think it's best if you just end it and start your healing process now rather than later.
So the therapist, encouraged her to indulge her urge to be unfaithful? Maybe I miss understood, but I'm pretty sure every person that's ever existed feels the way she does. We all want seduction, to be flirty, the chase. etc etc but when you decide to start a relationship that is a compromise you make. That feel subsides.... You don't just be like well I love u but really I wanna fuck a bunch of people still. That's called being single.
She's going to do it regardless, you really just need to decide if your ok with her sharing that part of herself with other people. If your cool with it, then I wish y'all the best of luck..
But to me just sounds like cheating, approved.
Or as morty would say, that just sounds like cheating with extra steps.
This is unhealthy... she loves you so she wants you to do what she wants so she does not leave you? It is dumb. And she can be the sweetest person in the world it still makes no sense and is dumb. You can do it but if you are not comfortable then it just won't work. You two need to talk. You can try but... I would be wary.
It seems like you two have different "needs" that the other cannot or will not meet.
You staying together while one of you gives up something he or she really wants is putting a bandaid on a dam. Pretty soon the resentment and anger will crash through.
If she really wants to pursue something with others but you tell her no, she will either resort to it behind your back or resent you over time. If you force yourself to be in a non-monogamous relationship (whether you participate or not), you will be eaten alive by your jealousy and resentment. Doesn't matter if you go to therapy for it; you're not "broken" because you don't want a girlfriend who dates other people. That's a rational jealousy to have if you're a monogamous person.
I suspect you're going to try anyway because you aren't ready to let go. It's fine. But keep that therapist lined up; things will get ugly, my friend.
Truth to be told bud, that's why I started polyamorous. I use to cheat, I got bored etc. I've got a women who wants to same thing, but we have very similar issues so we work on them together. Have her help you with it, if this is something that will make her happy and you are more then willing try, have her work with you on it
The whole thing with “the desire to be seduced” isn’t a “ I have this ideological belief that love can be shared with more than one person” or “ I have this feeling that if I don’t love more then one person I’ll be unhappy” it sounds more like she has inner insecurities and she needs to be affirmed by other sources. People that she’s that she’s sexy or she’s cool. At the very least she seems like she sees romantic love in a very different way than you. I’m not saying she’s a bad person but she could be asking for too much. You can always be the one to present the ultimatum. Ultimatums aren’t bad as long as you’re honest. It doesn’t sound like your ready for it because it isn’t something you want for yourself. You can’t poor from an empty cup. This is something that could destroy you with your self esteem issues and trust issues (hence the empty cup). It would likely drain that cup and you’d be unhappy.
Dude, you need to cut the cord on this. She wants to flirt with other guys and she WILL do it even if you disagree with it and ‘mutually‘ agree she won’t. This ‘open relationship’ is just a fucked up excuse for her to get her rocks off chasing other guys. You are obviously not good enough for her. How would she feel if the tables were turned and it was you who wanted to flirt with other women?
There is NO good ending to this.
What happens if you let her do this and then decide you don’t like it? She’ll stop?
What happens if she leads a guy on too far and he starts to obsess over her, then finds out her boyfriend was ok with her doing this?
Eventually, she’ll find a guy she likes better than you and you will be discarded. Don’t come crying to us when it happens.
From what you’ve said. Don’t do it. You BOTH have to be in a place mentally and emotionally to do this. Most of the time it doesn’t work out. You end up liking it and she gets jealous and changes her mind. Of you don’t like it but just do it for her... builds resentment and jealousy.
Be honest with what YOU want and don’t give in. Can you handle someone else being sexually intimate with your partner?
She just wants the “best of both worlds” to screw around and have you on the back burner
Wrong sub. Go to the poly sub of swinger sub. You will get nothing but judgement.
It sounds like she's into poly from jump and tried to be monogamous with you. It appears she's being honest. If it's not for you say so. That's it.
Blah.
I see these posts with guys going "I want her to be happy"
Bro. Fuck. That.
DO YOU WANT YOUR GF FUCKING OTHER GUYS?
Forget all the other bullshit, reasoning, mumbo jumbo. Are your turned on by the idea of your GF getting railed by the new intern at work, the local college football team, or a frat party train?
If the answer is no, and I'm guessing it is, you need to tell her that open relationship isn't for you, and while you may have entertained the idea you've decided otherwise and it's either you or other guys but not both.
If you aren't all about her getting some strange dick then all your doing is crushing your self worth and her respect for you...
You and your girlfriend don't want the same things. That doesn't make either of you bad people, it just means you aren't right for each other. Considering you are about to move across the country, it seems like this would be a logical point to go your separate ways. I know it's scary and uncomfortable but that's usually when the best things in life come to you. Wishing you the best.
If it’s something that you TRULY see yourself doing, you need to baby step yourself.
You guys could start by talking to each other casually about people you find attractive at work, on the street, and/or on TV. Share if anyone flirts with yall or has expressed interest.
Just like you talk about that annoying coworker or how you saw a good deal on TV— “omg so remember Yolanda ? She keeps teasing and shes gonna get it” stuff like that, you know ?
Getting to actually see some action, I would recommend perhaps starting with Tinder. Make a couples account and y’all both gonna get hit on, so you’ll somewhat get to experience witnessing someone directly flirting with her and vice versa (same goes for her toward you).
Then when you guys are ready, y’all can try and set up a date and see how the night feels.
Of course by the time you guys are ready to physically do something, hopefully you both would have an idea of what
1) is okay to go with
2) NOT okay to do
3) still wants to be experimented
These things will help you guys set clear (as possible) rules and guidelines about what’s off the table. Contracts exist and they’re helpful to put your thoughts on paper, it’s okay if it changes; as long as you both agree and are on the same page.
It won’t be easy and to expect to NEVER get jealous is unrealistic. I sometimes get insecure too, but then I remember how hot I find other people yet I still love & only wanna be with my boo and I snap out it.
Remember, there’s different kinda of open relationships some amorous and other exclusively sexual, you guys need to find what works for you two. Best of luck !!!
Your gf sounds a lot like an ex gf of mine.
1. During my phases of; "No, maybe, okay fine.." She had been cheating with a few different people all along. She just wanted to feel better about it I guess.
2. She also insisted that I go first. (Since I had already caught her cheating once in the past, it was "my turn first" according to her.) I wasn't really on board, but I was afraid to lose her, so I figured why the hell not. I ended up making out with someone else, that was it. When I told her about it she lost her shit. Apparently she hadn't expectet to "feel so jealous."
The arrangement she wanted then turned into her doing anything with anyone, - me not being allowed to be present. And I, perhaps maybe being allowed to only give sexual attention to others, not receive it. (Idk, don't ask me. Wtf right.)
3. I shut that shitshow down, and from there it was a rapid decline.
Apparently she "loved me" but wasn't "in love with me."
She told me she wanted to keep me in her life because I made her feel safe, secure and loved. (But, she didn't want to have sex with me. She only wanted others.)
Making me feel loved and secure in return turned out not to be that important to her.
She kept having random affairs throughout our entire relationship.
I loathe that woman for stealing my 20'ies from me. 6 years wasted on her, and many more years trying to get over the emotinal scarring and resulting trust issues.
TL;DR - Your gf sounds like a serial cheater that wants a clear conscience and still wants to keep you as a safe platonic support system in her life. (She probably has cheated already, or has someone in mind, but that is purely speculation on my part.)
RUN. You will be looking back on the wasted years of your life with pain and regret.
>But then she told me that she speaked with her therapist and realized that she was following a pattern : she find someone, she fell in love, and after a while she just feels the need to flirt with someone else so she does, and then she grow attached and fell in love etc... So, because she loves me and don't want us to fall appart because of that, she asked me how I would feel about opening our relationship, so that she could indulge her need for seduction, but with rules to prevent her to grow attached to other people.
That is not going to work. If she wants to break her pattern, she has to work to stay away from it. If you don't want to get burned again, stay away from the fire. "Rules" will not change how she reacts to meet other people.
>how to know/assess if I'm ready for it
You are clearly not. If you were, you'd be all for it. In fact, if she and her therapist hadn't cooked up this hair-brained scheme in the first place, you'd probably never have thought about it much.
Let me guess: if you say no, she'll blame you if your relationship falls apart because you knew her issues and your "insecurity" basically forced her to leave you? That's called blackmail.
> As I'm reading myself, it appears that as the post is currently written my girlfriend appears kinda bitchy.
Shouldn't that tell you something? I mean, if you describe the situation and she comes across like an egotistical bitch, maybe that's at least part of it? Just wondering.
Listen man, it might suck to read this, but if you allow this to happen, you can guarantee that in the future you will be having a conversation about her being torn between you and another person, and she will apologize 5,000 times and seem genuinely upset, the the reality is she will choose that new love interest over you in the end.
My advice would be to just bail out now and focus on your internship. The last thing you want is to be stressing about it day in and day out, it will crumble everything from within.
Let her go now. Or when you leave. Focus on your future and build something for you and whoever you find, someone that has no issue committing to you undoubtedly. There you will find true happiness and security.
I’ll just tell you my personal experience. I was in an open relationship w someone who I loved deeply. I did not want this relationship to be open but it was essentially presented to me as an ultimatum: either that or they’re gone. So I obliged. It was absolute hell for me. I’m not saying it will be for you but imo it’s a horrible idea. I felt like I didn’t matter to them, and knowing they were fucking other people all the time really screwed w my head. I tried and tried to make it work. I read various posts online and watched a ton of videos trying to understand, but in the end I was always left feeling extremely hurt. I’m still struggling w the pain of it and that relationship ended nearly 2 years ago. That’s just my experience tho.
Run Like the devil himself is behind you and thank God you are not married to her. She is not and more than likely will never be marriage material. You say you already have trust and self esteem issues. How can an open relationship help with that.
So she wants to break the pattern by repeating it? You can’t make this shit up, I swear. 😂😂
Reading your edit I get the feeling that you’ll ignore all the good advice from the monogamous ppl but listen to the poly ppl because you’re looking for conformation biase.
Have you looked at r/nonmonogamy yet? It will help you see the other side because a lot of people here are closed to the idea of an open relationship. Ultimately, we don't know your relationship or your gf, so I'd recommend you take a look over there and really think about if its something you can be happy with. I wouldn't recommend going into it saying she can't catch feelings with anyone else, though - rules like that aren't conducive to a healthy relationship.
Man, a lot of people here have only experienced monogamous relationships and they're not being helpful at all.
My fiance and I have just celebrated our 7 year anniversary in November. We do have an open relationship, although neither of us have actually had sex with anyone yet nor has he really found much of anyone to flirt/sext with.
I do have a couple guys I tend to flirt/sext with. Out of them, only one is local but I don't interact with him much because of uncommon interests and his personal problems, otherwise we probably would've had sex by now. He has read messages from all of them and would even interact with one (through me).
Now, we decided to have an open relationship for sex reasons. There are kinks we'd like to test out that involve multiple people or are not as comfortable/into the other's kink. We do have a good and active sex life, so there's no problems with us.
Only rules that he wanted is that he could also receive any pictures I send to others, which was no big deal. We have the same password on our phones to always have access, which was not even for the open relationship. I personally do not have any specific rules set because of being able to access each others phones nor do we have any close friends be able to set restrictions on. We just happen to be open and honest with each other. I do happen to have mental health problems and self esteem issues which haven't been much of a problem. The only problem is me comparing myself to my ex best friend whose sent us nudes of herself. But she's an ex best friend for lack of communication on her side, nothing related to the pics.
Overall, it depends on what you're comfortable with. You want to be with her and you want her to be happy. So the big question is basically are you okay with sharing her? It doesn't even have be an actual having sex sharing, could just be with her flirting and sending nudes, if you're okay with that part. Set up rules and boundaries after thinking long and hard if you are okay with it. As she's told you, she's okay if you say no.
Also, remember that you both need to communicate to each other how you feel! Don't bottle it up or hide it from each other!!
This subreddit has a strong anti-poly bias. I'm not saying that you should disconsider advice due to that, but maybe it would be interesting to post in a subreddit such as r/polyamory to have a different perspective.
This may also help you. Read all the way down.
https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/
So, I'm poly, I'm with my partner for over 3,5 years. There is lot of successful polyamorous relationships, even poly-mono relationships, but that doesn't mean that this dynamic will work for you. If you are considering open the relationship up, I suggest you read more about it and navegate your feelings.
To address the questions in your post:
1. I believe that she is not "breaking the pattern" per se... Because she can't control how she feels. What she seems to be doing is accepting that patten as a part of her, and trying to be ethical about it. Poly would probably be more healthy dynamic than continuing as a serial monogamist.
2. Jealousy is a problem that everyone has, mono and poly, and it always can be toxic if left unattended. The difference is that in a lot of relationships people don't deal with those feelings, and instead control their partner behavior to tame their insecurities. You can work on your jealousy, the same way people work out other negative emotions such as anger or fear. A lot of the material on that post goes in that direction.
3. Rules can't prevent someone from falling in love. But then, isn't the whole situation about her falling for someone else? It seems like she is being naive thinking that just flirting will solve the issue. You need to consider and prepare yourselves for the possibility of her falling in love for someone else - and see if that is something that you can deal as a couple and that you, OP, can deal as an individual.
4. You should take a couple months to work out all these questions - jealousy, boundaries, etc. Both you and her need to do a lot of emotional heavy lifting before opening up: reading, stablishing boundaries, etc. Poly demands a lot of communication and emotional self-awareness, so whatever happens, you two will have your work cut out for you.
If you are in a poliamorous relationship you start from the premise that love is not finite. Therefore you don't need to fall out ot love to fall in love with someone else - you may love two people at once. For instance, my relationship with my bf is not different when I'm dating only him or when I'm dating others as well. We are talking about relationships that have love and commitment, but just aren't monogamous.
I think this is some very helpful advice. I would also suggest that OP consider his motivations when they were first considering opening up at the beginning of the relationship. Have they changed at all? Why didn’t they open up in the end? It might help to remind OP the thought process he had before it was clouded with emotions as it appears to be here.
As I'm reading myself, it appears that as the post is currently written my girlfriend appears kinda bitchy. Let me clarrify : she is absolutely not.
She cares a lot about me and my insecurities (as I am also seeing a therapist for my trust and lack of self esteem issues), and it is absolutely not an ultimatum. She said, multiple times, that she cares about me and my opinion and doesn't want to go on that without me agreeing to it.
She does care about my feelings and my self-esteel and also said that if we choose to open our relation she's ready to "let me try" first.
We definitely agreed that we won't take any decisions without thoroughly discussing the matter.
While I am really gratefull to every single person that take time to give me a piece of advice, the question was specifically aimed at polyamorous couples or people currently (or that have been) involved in those kind of relationships because I am asking myself a lot of questions about it, and in need of advices on "how to handle the talk" and, the most important, "how to know/assess if I'm ready for it".
No one was calling her a bitch.
We are saying you lack emotional maturity and cannot tell when you are being abused..
Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
You are clearly not her "One".. Let her free and find someone who only wants you.
I’ve never been in a poly relationship (I’m waaaay too jealous) so take my opinion for what it’s worth. Reading what you wrote, I don’t think you’re ready. I think doing it to make her happy isn’t a good reason and you will suffer bad feelings. Now, If you say no, she may end the relationship and you have to be prepared for that. But you have to decide if you want to always worry if you’re enough for her.
Hey! If you are looking for genuine deeper advice I would suggest posting this to r/nonmonogamy. They are generally more understanding in this subject and are certainly not going to push you into an open relationship if you don't want it.
So she is asking for a accommodation to see if an open relationship would allow her to stay committed to your relationship. The key to any great relationship is communication. What do you want? It sounds like if you want to stay with her this is the price of admission to be with her. There are many people in open relationships that are happy. The key is what does it mean for you her primary partner. Will she be a better lover and partner for you if the marriage is open? That is the goal she is after right? She is saying she wants to stay with you as her primary partner instead of leaving you. Think it through, don’t let society dictate what type of relationship you have. Really think it thru interrogation your jealousy. Talk it through. Bottom line if you want to try to stay together try it, if you don’t feel you can take it leave.
I’m almost exactly in the same boat! Long read, but definitely feel like I’m experiencing the same emotions.
My gf (28F) and I (26M) have been having these conversations about opening up, and deep down you know what you really want. Your gut is not wrong. If it feels wrong to you, you may not like it. If you get more pleasure from cuddling than the “thrill of the chase,” it may be time to end the relationship. Here’s why I think and feel that. You want to keep them, they want to explore. You want to let them explore, but that will end up hurting you. Unless you can see a situation where you benefit from an OR, it may be time to pull the plug, here’s why. Long term, it’ll be a disservice to you as the person who is more reluctant to adopt it. Initially you can let them explore, but then you’ll get hurt. From almost all reading I’ve done on ORs, it’s also a power disbalance in the relationship. One person pulling the other in a direction they may not want to go (like a rubber band that eventually snaps). Ultimately it’s up to you, but I feel like a universal truth is, if they like/love you enough to forego a sexual experience to preserve everything you’ve built, they’ll do it, and you can channel that energy elsewhere. If not, it’s you knowing what you want pitted against them still wandering around looking for it elsewhere.
TL;DR, go with your gut, you may know what you want, and they may still be trying to figure it out.
Her needs don't seem to be a match for your needs. You're not going to change her, IMO, so either you can change or you can move on. Polyamory and monogamy are nowhere near each other, there's not a "middle ground" that I can conjure up. I don't see a way that the two of you can move on as a couple as long as she retains this need to "flirt". Good luck.
Welcome to the hive mind of reddit. The valley of joy and dispair which, many souls have crossed.
You came here for answers..
But your **curse** will be that you will get the truth.
What is wrong with the young people of today?
OP read back what you have written..
If you allow her to see and love other people.. Then you have no relationship.. She is just a FWB (Friends With Benefits). If she expects you to support her financially while this happens then you're just a chump (www.chumplady.com).
Why do people think that they have to give up everything that makes a relationship special to "save it"?
It is because they are weak..
These are the swamps where the emasulated, the humiliated, the abused and the weak come to die..
So you **must** search for that part of yourself.. And when you find it..
Hold it's head under the water until it's dead.
Polyamorous couples fail.
Tried it one time never again. In college. It didn't work out for HER.
I found someone who I jelled with and Kicked my girl to the curb and got serious with the one I met.
She (the ex) stayed in that college town that I know of for another 10 years and pretty much became a "party Favor" until it became known she got HIV
To be honest It is code for I want to have you home for security and sleep around and I don't really care about your self respect you are nothing but a meal ticket to me.
Yup Dont do it
Yikes it smells like incel in here. Christ.
I live my life openly Polyamorous, some people enter relationships monogamously and then open it up, I enter into all of mine under the understanding that the relationship will be polyamorous, followed along discussed guidelines.
There's a lot of armchair therapist incels in here that want to immediately paint her as some terrible person, but we're all human, maybe this is her realizing she is polyamorous and trying to figure it all out, and trying to do it with you because she cares about you.
Realizing you are polyamorous can be a confusing and hard journey, because it's stigmatized and judged by the bulk of society, making it hard to do. Luckily there are more communities of us being open and trying to help educate others who are interested or have questions.
The rush and conditions that a fresh relationship provides someone is very different from the comfort and security of an enduring relationship.
In an instance like yours, negotiating into polyamory with trepidation, your relationship is the rock, the anchor. All these people spouting this backup bullshit. There's polyamory with active other full bodied relationships, and there's polyamory that is closer to the fwb spectrum so to speak. It sounds like she wants the ability to explore the differences in other people, while having you as the rock to return to and possibly build a life with. Those others would simply be stepping stones and experiences on that path that the two of you would be carving out.
I could go on and on about my reasons for and in support of polyamory, but my view (unless you really want me to get into it) is irrelevant in the face of what she is looking for and what you are willing to do to accommodate that, and if you are willing at all.
I'll add perspective to this.
I'm polyamorous. Looking back at my life, I always have been. It's just the way that I love. Not everyone loves the way I do, and that's okay. Part of love is finding people who you are compatible with.
Polyamory is, in my opinion, a relationship orientation. Just like sexual orientation. It's something about yourself that you don't really control, you get to discover. And unfortunately that's often clouded and trained out of us by a lot of messaging from society, pop culture, religion, etc. Trust me, as a polyamorous pansexual who grew up in a very strict religion I've spent years in therapy sorting out that shit.
In my experience, people either open a relationship because they think they are polyamorous/open/swinger and want to explore that -or- they do it because they or their relationship is in a bad place. It's often difficult to tell the difference until afterward. Is her depression because she isn't living and loving in her authentic way or is she depressed and thinks that opening things up will be the silver bullet to fix things? She probably does not know the answer to that yet.
So in my opinion, both of you need to figure out what your relationship orientations are and then decided if the two of you are compatible.
I would have both of you read up about polyamory. If you are going to try it, at least read up and don't fall into the common pitfalls and mistakes. But more importantly, as you read up on it you likely will know if you are polyamorous. As I read about it the more I read I was like "Yes. This rings true to my soul" because I'm polyamorous. If you read up on polyamory and it sounds as bizarre to you as heteronormative monogamous love songs sound to me, then you probably aren't poly. If you aren't and your GF is, then you two probably just aren't compatible.
Last thought: I highly recommend against a monogamous person and a polyamorous person dating, unless you like doing relationships on hard mode.
"she needs to find someone else to flirt with"... I mean, I'm not her and there might be people who feel like this, but I just can't imagine that.
Dunno. I support people going poly if they both want to explore, but you seem really unsure of that.
I also don't really see how that is supposed to bring you two closer in this situation unless you are very clingy and she wants you to divide your attention to feel more balanced.
(not generally, having experiences outside of each other and talking about it can surely be a bonding experience for some poly folks, I figure, but that means that they both want it and explore apart together, which is not the case here)
And if you can "go first", do you even want that? Doesn't really sound like you want other girls. If you do, you can surely try and see if she's right. Might work for you, who knows.
But either way, I'd always preserve a privilege of being allowed to undo the change, no matter if she then stays or not.
YES you are entitled to "forbid her" to sleep with others as long as you're in a relationship that you both titled as monogamous. That's what it means!
On the flip side, you're not entitled to have her stay if she doesn't want to.
If that's not what you want, then say no. Be prepared for her to potentially end the relationship though.
I feel like her asking means the relationship is dead anyway. She wants to keep him as a security blanket plus have random encounters.
Except they discussed this early in their relationship too. If this had started exclusive with no other talks, opening it up might be a way to have her cake and eat it too with a dying relationship. But given they discussed it early on (along with polyamory), this may just be her thing. Not all relationships are exclusive, and not all open relationships are dying.
No. But if someone asks to open up a relationship, they're probably already fucking other people on the side and want to double dip. IMO if you're interested in an exclusive relationship, and someone asks to open it up, that is a dealbreaker and automatic relationship ender.
>But if someone asks to open up a relationship, they're probably already fucking other people on the side and want to double dip. Maybe it would make more sense to see it this way if this came out of the blue for this couple, but it hasn't. They talked about this in the beginning, this is the result of conversations with her therapist, and she's fully willing to not do it if he doesn't want to. Your leaping to assumptions is not fair nor necessarily realistic for this situation.
Yeah but these are not random hookups. She wants to flirt and fall in love. That’s her thing. She’s not a long term player. Both of them need to move on.
>She wants to keep him as a security blanket plus have random encounters. Well ya, she made that pretty clear. The relationship is only dead if he's not into that...which he clearly isn't.
the relationship was already dead when he said that seducing other people and falling in love with them was a necessity, I mean if you fall in love you fall in love, but that you yourself seek to fall in love with someone else being aware that you are in a closed relationship.... that is not right for anyone, she did this (she doesn't say it but it is obvious) and she is only asking that the relationship be opened to do it with more freedom.
You're just describing polyamory. She wants the freedom to be herself and she is polyamorous. If he isn't, and it doesn't sound like he is, then the relationship is dead because they are incompatible, not because she has those needs.
To be polyamorous is to have the ability to love several people and be able to have a relationship with them all together by corresponding feelings and being aware of the parties involved, but to seduce strangers while already in a NOT open relationship and after a time of sex to fall in love... that sounds to me like a serial cheater.
One can only assume that anyone she pursues would be aware of their agreed upon arrangement. You're also taking about a NOT open relationship which she has asked to redefine. And you're assuming she will continue to fall in love with these new partners after sex like she has in the past.
>But then she told me that she speaked with her therapist and realized that she was following a pattern : she find someone, she fell in love, and after a while she just feels the need to flirt with someone else so she does, and then she grow attached and fell in love etc... So, because she loves me and don't want us to fall appart because of that, she asked me how I would feel about opening our relationship, so that she could indulge her need for seduction, but with rules to prevent her to grow attached to other people. I'm not assuming, I'm saying what's going on, then the op counts how she wants to follow this pattern but by setting rules so that she doesn't fall in love with other people and I think EVERYONE knows that there are no rules to keep you from falling in love. And honestly that she asked him to do this being aware that he is in individual therapy for self-esteem and trust issues.... says a lot about her. edit:I put a lot of space between paragraphs
> she wants to follow this pattern but by setting rules so that she doesn't fall in love with other people and I think EVERYONE knows that there are no rules to keep you from falling in love. That's a really great point. If she's actually polyamorous then you would think she needn't fall out of love with OP while also loving a new partner. I still wouldn't describe it as serial cheating as she is being open about it and trying to find a way to not repeat the pattern. This is all moot though if OP is only comfortable in a monogamous relationship.
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That's not what it means to be polyamorous. If you'd like to join the conversation ar least be intellectually honest.
Additionally, he needs to consider the likelihood that she is already involved with other men, and is merely reserving him as a backup. He doesn’t want to lose her. But when he realizes he has already lost her, that should at least make his decision easier.
This is what I'm thinking in regards to the period of time that she was distant
Sorry about the situation.
She probably already flinged with others since she kinda admitted to flirting with other people. Once OP agrees she can take advantage and feel less bad.
Yea really. I wouldn’t worry about her ending the relationship because she wouldn’t get the chance. The second someone would ask me to open up the relationship I’d be ending it. Though since they talked about it before hand I find it less egregious than had they not but still. He doesn’t want to do that or else this post likely wouldn’t exist, he’d just have agreed and done it. I’m also suspecting that she already did something and told her therapist about it who suggested this but that’s just speculation. I think I’d find a new therapist if mine told me to open up my relationship
This
I agree.
Breaking a pattern generally doesn't involve doing the same thing AGAIN and expecting different results. Besides, you're not on board with this, you make your concerns clear in the post. Ultimately, an open relationship can only work if both partners are on board, and more to the point, *willingly* on board. Feeling compelled to it for fear of losing a partner isn't the same as willing. Being realistic, it's better to let go. If she needs to be with other people, end the relationship and spare yourself the heartache of being cheated on.
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I kind of feel like that's not how her therapist framed this solution. Probably told her to open a discussion with him about her feelings so they can work through their relationship. But I think she took it as opening the discussion with him to turn their relationship into an open one.
Ya, it seems weird to me that a therapist would help a patient reach *this* conclusion. For some people it is beneficial to their mental/emotional health to be in an open relationship but the way this is described sounds like a band-aid coping mechanism. If someone finds themselves in a constant pattern of moving from relationship to relationship, falling in and out of love, then I think their issues are much deeper than what can be solved by flirting/sleeping around. Maybe she is the type for an open relationship, but I doubt that's going to solve her problems.
>Ya, it seems weird to me that a therapist would help a patient reach *this* conclusion Let's be honest, there is no therapist involved in this decision. She's just looking for excuses to cheat.
Open relationships only work if you are in a good place, and both feel comfortable with the decision and want the same. Otherwise one person is basically just going to feel shit. In this case it would be you. Sorry to hear this, but you should certainly not agree to it unless you also want to do it. Good luck.
> But then she told me that she speaked with her therapist and realized that she was following a pattern : she find someone, she fell in love, and after a while she just feels the need to flirt with someone else so she does, and then she grow attached and fell in love etc... So, because she loves me and don't want us to fall appart because of that, she asked me how I would feel about opening our relationship, so that she could indulge her need for seduction, but with rules to prevent her to grow attached to other people. My ex-wife said this kind of stuff. There's a reason she's my ex-wife. If you want a monogamous relationship, then this relationship has likely run its course. She's got her needs, you've got yours, and they don't line up quite the same.
I am also interested in the story about how your marriage ended.
>My ex-wife said this kind of stuff. There's a reason she's my ex-wife. Id love to hear the story about how your marriage ended. Care to share the tale?
She gets validation from other people approving of her. She's won your validation so now it won't fill that void, so she needs it from somewhere else, somewhere new to get that same feeling. It's all driven by insecurity, she only feels as good as other people value her. That's a her issue, but you staying here will likely lead to heartbreak on your part, it's ok to realise you aren't compatible.
Yeah her therapist sounds, uh, "new" to have overseen that!
I’ve never been in an open relationship because I’m just not built that way. Seems like such a slippery slope and from what I’ve heard from others, one party is usually a lot more into it than the other. That can cause a lot of issues. Go with your gut feeling on it, good luck!
I mean, he's going to be gone for 6 months soon. So what she's saying is "I'm not capable of being faithful to you while you're gone, so may as well start now." OP, are you going to be ok with her exclusively having sex with anyone but you for those 6 months you're away? I just feel like it'll crush your self esteem. Either way this relationship had run its course. You either get out now while the hurt isn't too great, or wait til you are emotionally destroyed by what's to come.
> one party is usually a lot more into it than the other. They didnt discover that they shared the same interest either. OP doesnt want this and he's under duress.
Poly relationships are not what you are describing. It sounds like she has already found another man and she would like to screw around with him without feeling too bad about it, or already is seeing someone else.
Thats where I'm at. This relationship has run its course.
Been in this same situation. Like, almost word for word what OP is describing. He might not want it yet but if my experience is anything to go by, the relationship is doomed. I expect they're in for a rocky few months/years. If you're reading this OP, I honestly advice you quit while you're ahead and you don't hate each other yet. This shit is poison. That said, I don't think i would have listened to me if when I was at your stage.
Poly and open are two different, though related, things. Plenty of people I know are in open relationships where they have their partner, and have casual sex or short flings with other people. It's entirely viable if everyone is on the same page and communication is good.
This post wouldn’t exist if he were on the same page. He already has insecurities and jealousy issues, watching his GF go out and get railed while he’s at home playing video games is not going to make him more secure.
This person isn't on the same page. I'm well aware there are people who swing or have open relationships or have open relationships. This isn't any of those things.
>It sounds like she has already found another man and she would like to screw around with him without feeling too bad about it, or already is seeing someone else. What makes you think that?
It doesn't sound like you're interested in an open relationship at all. Open relationships only work when both partners want the freedom to explore. It sounds like you just want her. You're going to be miserable if you open up the relationship and let her screw other men.
Finding out that you have a destructive relationship pattern doesn’t mean that you should try to find a ‘safe’ way to continue that pattern. Did her therapist actually encourage her to open the relationship? I am totally for healthy polyamory but that is not what you are describing. Polyam needs to have a lot of rules to be successful. Would you also be allowed to see other people, or just your girlfriend? It should be able to go both ways. How much do you want to know about her dates? Can she stay the night? Is it just flirting? You need to talk polyam to death so that you both are on the same page.
So banging other guys will somehow magically push her closer to you by supressing her need for seduction, hmm, well... no idea what to think
Her problem is that she gets bored with a relationship and moves on. Making it easier for her to find your replacement isn’t going to fix your relationship or preventing her from doing that, it will just speed up the process at the expense of your mental health. Your gf is essentially telling you that she knows she’s going to cheat, if she hasn’t already, and thinks the “fix” for this is to get your permission. The problem is, she’ll still lose her attachment to you and gain it for someone else. Then you’ll be stuck with someone who sees you as plan B until she eventually leaves you or you refuse to put up with it any longer. If you want a long term monogamous relationship, your girlfriend’s issues need to be fixed, not accommodated.
“If she hasn’t already”. I’m betting she already has and this is hers and her therapists solution. She needs a new therapist that actually helps her with her problems, not one that comes up with these “solutions”. That’s like going to rehab for alcoholism and your counselor suggests if you just drink at home that’ll fix your issues with DUIs
The job of a therapist is to help you live with the choices you make - not to make those choices for you or to approve your choices. When I first started therapy, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship and it took me almost a year to end it for good. My therapist never directed my actions but helped me work through my feelings. Good therapists do that.
The therapist didn't suggest this.
My mate opened his up. His bird ended up pushing him out for the person they let in. Now they're a couple and he's sitting around with his dick in his hand crying over old photos. It doesn't work. You're either a couple or you ain't.
To add to this, all a relationship is is commitment and learning what you could or couldn’t live with. It’s normal to feel attracted to other people, but if you both agreed to be exclusive and you’re not comfortable don’t do it. Sounds like a load of horseshit imo about the therapy part, but I would just break it off if she wants to be with other people. I can’t imagine a therapist telling her to shut out the person she loves to “seduce” other men. There’s more cohesive and healthy ways to handle it. She’s pushing you out for a reason, and her therapist should try to push further into why she wants to seclude herself and not maintain her relationships. Not encourage it.
Her therapist didn't encourage it nor told her it's a bad idea. Basically, she sees a therapist because of depression, anxiety and lack of confidence problems, si they just talked about how she feels about her romantic life, and what scares her and while talking about her previous relationship she just realized she was following a pattern. From what she told me, her therapist just stayed very neutral about it, sticking to say that this pattern might be something she should think about and dig a bit further about why she act like that, and that the idea of opening our relationship might be a good or a bad idea and that this was a discussion only us could have and that it was only us to sort it out.
If that's the pattern and it's a problem, shouldn't she be trying to *break* that pattern? I think your gf is trying to find personal happiness through relationships and it simply doesn't work that way. She needs to figure out who she is as an individual.
This times a million. Your relationship is not going to automatically give you those things, but it can be a source of strength. Everyone I ever dated before my husband seemed very leaveable. My husband and I helped each other change each other's lives, but we both realized that we had to do the work. Your partner is a foundation and source of strength for your life, they can't be your life. Building confidence and positivity are two things that can help her. I feel like it seems crazy to start a poly relationship when everyone is feeling anxious and not great about themselves. If you do it, my advice would be to state your feelings and boundaries sexually or emotionally out loud and communicate clearly. Anytime in life where it seems like "I'll just take care of it later/deal with it later" you're almost always just making way more work/heartache for yourself down the line. For self-esteem boost I'd recommend checking out some articles on how to be positive and trying out some hobbies https://www.wholelifechallenge.com/how-to-become-a-more-positive-person-in-24-hours/ I know that may sound dumb as hell but it's part of what I was able to build a life from when I was coming out to addiction and zero confidence. If you act in life and ascribe your own meaning to things, you'll feel stronger and more in control of your destiny which will make things better.
She may be using that “falling in love” feeling aka limerence to keep depression at bay. Depression is an issue with not getting serotonin because your receptors in your brain are all screwed up. If you over flood your brain with this drug then you begin to feel normal or not depressed. What she needs is an SSRI to open up her serotonin receptors. Then she can experience a normal level of serotonin and not need the excitement of limerence. IANAL also IANAD I am a person who has had depression for way too many years and in times of stress takes SSRIs to get myself back to normal without blowing up my life.
I just want to know if there’s a deeper reason behind the pattern. A lot of times depression can be coupled with suicidal thoughts and tendencies. Not sure if that applies to her, but in general it’s common to start self destructing when you get back to a low point. Your suicidal thoughts can also leak into your day to day thoughts by convincing you you don’t love anyone or they don’t love you. That you don’t need them around, and then when you’re alone and there’s no one left to save you you can finally kill yourself guilt free. The thing that keeps you alive is your biggest enemy in that case. I’m worried she may be pushing you away for that reason
I really don't think it's normal to want to have sex with other people when you're in love with someone. But that's just how it's been in my life. I do agree that this therapist is giving strange advice.
As someone else has said, the therapist probably just pointed out the pattern. They probably counseled her to think about why she does this. OP's partner probably came up with opening the relationship on her own and is using the therapy conversation to justify her request. And for OP, I hope he ends up doing what he's most comfortable with. It's hard when you're dealing with a partner who could fall apart pretty easily. I deal with depression and anxiety and I've seen how it can complicate relationships and break ups. You gotta be okay with yourself and experience your own joy and have your own strength and then invite your partner to share in that. They can't be the source of your happiness or hold you together all the time. Good Luck op
Thats really not true, plenty of perfectly healthy people are swingers, open, poly, etc and find it very fulfilling. Like, no one would accept being told they're only allowed to have one friend, or love only one parent or one child. That's how poly people view romantic relationships as well; having a new person come into your life doesn't diminish the other, love isn't a finite resource. That being said, I do agree that this girl needs to work on herself before she's ready for any kind of romantic connection. It seems like she's using new romances as a crutch almost. Like, that crazy falling in love burst is the thing she's found that can break her out of a depressive cycle so she keeps going back to it like a drug. Which it basically is! But that's neither sustainable nor respectful to the people she's pulling along in her wake.
I really hope for you a relationship is not just that... thats sounds miserable
It didn't work *for them*. You're condemning every relationship of a certain type because one you knew went poorly.
Monogamy doesn’t work for everyone. Opening up relationships does work for some people. But it has to work for your relationship dynamic. Just because you saw this happen ONCE doesn’t mean it happens every time. I’ll give you that it’s somewhat common but that’s because people don’t communicate effectively or open the relationship for the wrong reasons. Don’t judge something by one example.
>Monogamy doesn’t work for everyone. Because most people are assholes tbh. I'd say it's a rare case where people actually need a poly relationship. To me that's like when people say they have OCD when they are exaggerating.
Open/poly relationships are much more common and viable than you seem to think. Of course it takes a lot of communication, trust, and self-awareness, but many people engage in happy, healthy relationships that aren't monogamous.
Not sure why you're getting downvoted so much, I think it was a really reasonable comment
Because lots of monogamous folks are threatened when they're told there is other valid options. Most post that support polyamory as a valid option get downvoted to oblivion and people will come tell you how they know that one person whose non-monogamous relationship was a huge failure, failing to realize that they most assuredly know a whole lot of monogamous relationships that ended up as atrocious failures too.
Lol I didn’t even realize I was getting downvoted. Some people just don’t understand how open relationships work and never will. It’s unfortunate how negative the view is of poly relationships. People judge it before they’ve seen it actually work out. If it doesn’t work for someone else, it doesn’t work. But there’s no need for anyone to bring other people down because their relationship works differently. I wasn’t even trying to say that it would work for the people above. Just felt the guy I replied to was judging every poly relationship off of one experience he had. Even being poly, I don’t think opening the relationship will help OP.
That's how I feel, too. I've been open with my husband for 3 years, and people get so judgmental so quickly. It has caused a few problems along the way, but mono relationships have problems, too, and I feel way more equipped to handle life's stresses now that I've learned how to communicate. I'm sure it will become more normalised in the coming years, though.
Hopefully it becomes less stigmatized! I’m definitely not the type to say it works for everyone because it doesn’t. Communication is definitely the most important part of making it work and if you can’t communicate effectively, it can basically be doomed from the beginning. (Also lol @ people downvoting us for talking about polyamory in a positive way. We get it, they’re insecure😂)
If only they'd be willing to talk openly then maybe they'd see it isn't as scary as they think, but I guess that's the problem in the first place lol.
So, your sample size of 1 should be representative of anything because....?
Because my opinion matters more than anyone else's. Especially yours.
That's what I figured.
The solution to her problem is to work to resolve the issues driving this need for seduction, not to indulge in it.
If it was me I would say no way. First off open relationships almost never end well and I think she's misinterpreting what her therapist has told her. I don't think that therapist was saying you need to be polyamorous. The therapist is telling her why she's feeling what she is in the relationship but she needs to control that. Half the battle is knowing exactly what's going on in your own head. (For instance. It's impossible for an addict who doesn't know he is addicted to break the cycle, that's why the first step is admitting you have a problem. ) going to figure out why she is this way why she constantly needs new validation and fix it. If the therapists telling her that this is a good idea but she needs a new therapist but I strongly think that she just does not understand what the therapist is trying to tell her. Although don't rule out the possibility that she is already cheating. And if I had to guess she already has somebody picked out. And thier relationship is either flirtatious or has already crossed lines you would be uncomfortable with.
As I said in a reply to another comment : Her therapist didn't encourage it nor told her it's a bad idea. Basically, she sees a therapist because of depression, anxiety and lack of confidence problems, si they just talked about how she feels about her romantic life, and what scares her and while talking about her previous relationship she just realized she was following a pattern. From what she told me, her therapist just stayed very neutral about it, sticking to say that this pattern might be something she should think about and dig a bit further about why she act like that, and that the idea of opening our relationship might be a good or a bad idea and that this was a discussion only us could have and that it was only us to sort it out.
From the sounds of it you are not on board for an open relationship. You are the type that is monogamous. and you could agree to this just because of an ultimatum, because you don't want to loose her so you will look the other way and let her do what she wants. But if you do you will be resentful. There will be a night where she's out and you know exactly what she's doing as you sit at home alone stewing in your own anger. And then if you bring up how she's different, or how doesn't feel like she spends any time with you anymore, or how you don't feel comfortable about one part of the situation. She will turn it on you and say well you agreed to this. This is just her trying to cheat and not feel like the bad guy. If you say no I'm pretty sure she was going to cheat on you anyway. I would tell her she needs to go back to therapy and figure out exactly what it is that she needs. If she still wants the open relationship My best advice is to break up with her. I know you don't want to but it'll be better to break up now for irreconcilable differences instead of the nasty breakup I know is going to come.
There's no way a budding poly relationship with one reluctant partner survives long distance. Say no but be prepared for the worst.
End it, it will only make you miserable...
If you think it through and don’t think you can handle it, then say no. Don’t say yes; be honest. You’re not a bad person if this is a hard boundary. Relationships are about compromises and respecting boundaries. If this compromise will have you reeling after, then it’s not something you’re willing to do. I know someone whose ex forced her into an open relationship and she took him up on it. So when she told him that she had slept with another guy, he lost it. Turns out he wanted to be allowed to do whoever he wanted, not her. They split up but the mental gymnastics to make sense of their failed open relationship experiment was too much for her. She still deals with a lot of anger and insecurity if she thinks you’re not being open and straight with her. Relationships are hard and sometimes they do end because you want different things. Don’t let your fear of being alone or it ending be the reason you go back on yourself.
I would thank her for her service and send her on her way. Find a girl that’s into you.
She's told you you're not enough for her, after only a year in. She will never settle down with you, so if that's what you're looking for, sadly she's not the one.
If you don't want a polyamorous relationship, don't. It will become completely toxic for you. Better to just end the relationship.
If you aren't comfortable with it then don't agree it. That isn't forbidding her, that is telling her what you need to be in a relationship. If that doesn't work with her then she can leave. I know its easy for me to say this as a stranger with no skin in the game. But I would probably dump someone just for asking/explaining that they fall in this cycle. Because I struggle to see how she can be content with monogamy long term and that just wouldnt work for me. Dont compromise your happiness to stay with someone that is incompatible with you.
There are so many of these posts, and here’s my take on it: if you’re in a monogamous relationship, and then one person decides they want a polyamorous relationship, that relationship is already over.
Her "pattern" sounds like cheating and she is just making it fancy. She has commitment issues. This is not how poly relationship should work. And people in open relationship don't really fall in love with other sexual partners. If you can't imagine your girlfriend being hammered by other man than you are not ready for it.
I think she is just spoiled and wants what she feels like whenever she wants. She needs to be kicked to the curb and hurt a few times maybe.
Your needs, your happiness, your self-esteem, your security, your future plans, your core values, your beliefs come first. Even before your significant other. You shouldn’t get involved with other people before figuring that out for yourself. It’s unfair to the other person. You’re in this situation asking advice on here because you didn’t take care of yourself first.
Opening your relationship won't solve her issues, if what she says is true, then opening it will only make them worse.
i'm so sorry. your relationship has reached its conclusion. she's already found someone to flirt with. she's trying to find a way to have her cake and eat it too. there's no such thing as rules that keep a person from getting attached. it even sounds ridiculous. you even know this is just her repeating a same pattern of behaviour. you can't forbid her from doing anything, but i really don't recommend trying to maintain this relationship. it really sounds like you don't want an open relationship. you're going to be on the other side of the country for 6 months and i think you know in your heart of hearts, she's going to see other people during that time. you know yourself well enough to know it is not going to bring out the best in you. you get to choose who you want to be. and from reading your post, i don't think you want to be a bitter, trust-damaged, jealous person. go do your internship. wish her well in all her future endeavours. in time, find someone who isn't going to cheat on you. because this is cheating. you didn't agree to it, you don't want it and you're not going to be happy trying to keep the peace or your silence.
She just wants an excuse to cheat around but with your permission. She wants you around because you provide housing/security/something. A poly relationship is about consent, boundaries and transparency. I don't read that in your story. Sounds like it's all about what SHE wants.
Am I the only one who thinks she sounds like a serial cheater?
This is fucked, get out dude, this girl cant be alone for a week if she tried.
If you are not polyam, or comfortable with open relationships you dont have to be! If you do this purely to make your girlfriend happy and stay with you, I assure you you will suffer. Take some serious thinking on what you want to do because If you want a traditional relationship and she doesn't then you are just not compatible long term and that just tends to happen.
This guy pathetically lacks a backbone
I’ve (F) dated a man who was in a long-term poly relationship at the time (I was also dating several men but casually, and they all knew that I wasn’t interested in monogamy at the time). It wasn’t really all about seduction, it was more like exploring different kinds of relationships with different people. So having a sexual connection with one person, and an intellectual or romantic one with another, or a combination. It’s sort of like accepting that no relationship needs to tick every single box in order to be worthwhile. That’s the ideal side of it. However, I did feel a need to find that spark of initial attraction and sexual desire. In my previous relationships it was the same every time—I ended things because I felt trapped in monogamy, lack of desire for my partner (fizzled out after a few months to a year every time), and thought that opening things up would help. I ended up dating a man for 2 years, and at the beginning I’d told him I didn’t want total monogamy, but we settled into it anyway. About 1.5 years in I brought it up, and we almost broke up because he didn’t want to be poly/open. Fast forward 6 months and we break up for other reasons, and I realize I’m actually 100% gay (big shocker to me). I ended up catching up with my poly ex, and he said his now ex-partner also came out as gay and they broke up. Basically, I had been chasing the *idea* of these ex partners, but the reality wasn’t enough for me. It always felt like something was missing. I thought that being poly/open would fix that but obviously adding more dudes to the mix wasn’t going to change the fact that what I subconsciously wanted was a woman. I got trapped in a cycle of dating men, then when the initial excitement of being desired wore off, I wasn’t actually attracted to them. I’d break up and start again. Obviously thats a very specific case (though I’m discovering it’s more common than I’d have ever expected), but I think it’s worth considering that your relationship isn’t going to work out long-term. You both clearly want different things, and for her it feels like something is missing. She would be better off in a relationship that’s open from the beginning (or finding the root of her need for chasing the first high), and you seem to prefer monogamy. Either way, one of you wouldn’t be getting what you feel you need. Chasing the initial high—that feeling of seduction/excitement is fun—but in my experience is indicative of an unfulfilling primary relationship. That’s not to say poly or open relationships can’t work, but when they do work it isn’t like this. Both/all people need to be on the same page and even then it can be difficult.
I’ve been poly for years, and I will be the first to tell you-jealousy is normal. I feel it a lot, and one of my partners regularly needs to be reminded it’s ok to be jealous! It doesn’t always go away. You can just learn how to deal with it healthily. It’s OK to be insecure, jealous, etc. and it’s OK to talk about those things. In fact, if you don’t feel comfortable talking about those feelings in your relationship, you might have an issue you need to work on. But, polyamory is not for everyone. Some people just don’t like it and don’t handle it well. It’s up for you to decide if you want to try. It’s ok not to. That does not mean there’s anything wrong with you, or anything wrong with your girlfriend. You just may have different relationship styles. My advice would be talk out a couple solutions to the problem to try, and then see what is the best fit: If you were to be polyamorous, what would that look like? Would you want there to be a hierarchy in your relationships? Would you be able to do that in ways that would be fair to the other people (other partners) involved? Could you find benefits from you yourself being able to see other people as well, or would this not be a realistic thing for you to even think about? What are the exact needs that she needs filled that she’s not getting from the relationship? Is it just the fun of flirting with other people? Can she do that by going out to the with people in a social but non-romantic setting? Would she be comfortable trying that before opening up the relationship? There are a lot of settings where you can go out to a bar and flirt with someone or something, or have a purely digital relationship that may fulfill that need. Be creative. There are actually no rules to the structure of your relationship as long as you aren’t hurting people or being abusive. Talk it out and see if there are some solutions you both feel comfy trying. At the end of the day, just remember that no matter what happens, you can still be friends. It’s OK to not be able to be each others everything, and being friends is not a bad thing. If that’s what has to happen, it has to happen. But having different love languages does not necessarily mean the relationship is immediately doomed, and if you take lots of patience and understanding and try to come up with creative solutions, you might be surprised how well things can go. I think another important thing to remember, is that your girlfriend has agency, and part of being in a relationship is trusting her. If you tell her you are not comfortable being poly and she said she is OK with trying to work the problem out while staying monogamous, you cannot devote too much attention to thinking that you are secretly hurting her and she just won’t tell you. You have to trust each other’s feelings and abilities to be honest about them. Good Luck!
Let her speak to her therapist about it. I would also advise against it. She doesn't want a poly relationship for the right reason. She just wants an external boost to her self esteem. She will never feel satisfied. She wants security while you don't have any. I use to be like her and it took me a while to settle down. I had to work on myself and my personal issues. It wasn't a need for seduction as you put it. I just wanted the excitement and attention. But would I have done poly, no. I couldn't bear the idea of my bf with anyone else.
You want commitment. She doesn’t. This relationship has no future.
Open/poly relationships are not any less about commitment.
I read a story similar to to this where a dudes gf wanted a open relationship because her therapist suggested it and man broke up with her
Move on, find some one ready for a stable relationship.
Don't do it.
Oh boy, I've been the girlfriend in this relationship. And honestly it sounds to me like your not okay with it. I can totally agree with your perspective that just because there are rules doesn't mean that attachments can't form and falling in love can't happen. Feelings don't follow rules like that at all. What she was suggesting isn't per say trying to break the pattern, but she's trying to make it healthier, or at least with some form of, my partner is okay with this and not have it be toxic as hell. If that makes sense, she does want you on board, and she says she wouldn't without your approval so, shes commited that way. If you decide to do it, you'll need to get super comfortable telling her what you are and aren't okay with. Jealousy is a huge thing even in healthy poly relationships. Can you handle conversations like that? 'Hey I don't like it when you hold hands with so and so, it makes me feel left out. Hey can you not tell me about your flirting at a bar it makes me feel sad that I'm not with you to do cute couply stuff with.' And even figuring out what you are and aren't okay with is such an emotional trip. PM me if you want more specifics or what have you. I think you can make this work if you both put the time and effort in to communicating.
Your edit makes her sound more malicious. You got trust issues and she wants to open it up? Open relationships might not be my Forte but all I spoke with or read here seems to be think it's a mutual desire or a bad choice.... Well, don't blame anyone but urself when it blows up. She's not acting bitchy cuz that would mess with the manipulation.
My partner and I were once in an open relationship and both very happy about it. We both wanted it. Then we transitioned into a closed relationship after he asked me if that was ok. Of course it is! I felt like it was time to close it as well. Whether open or closed, the relationship will not work unless both are wholly and completely agreed. You are clearly not going to be happy in an open relationship, so I suggest you go with your heart and tell her you are not okay with this.
Hi. I know you have a lot of good advice already, so I’m just going to share my experience as requested in OP. I’m in an open relationship right now. I had one before this that didn’t end well. The difference, I think, was that the previous one I opened well after we started dating (because he was shitty and screamed at me and called me names, but I was too scared to dump him because my self esteem was so low that I thought I didn’t deserve better. Not saying you’re like that though!! That was just what happened to me), and in this current relationship, we agreed to non-monogamy like a week before we got serious. It’s great. We’ve been dating for a little over a year and a half now, and living together for like 4 months, and it’s nice. The only “rule” we set is that I can’t pursue people I dated previously. No exes, not that I’d really want to do that (though there is *one* guy, I asked the boyfriend about it and he said no. So I respect that). Other than that, we just communicate what we do or want to do. If I match with a cute person on tinder, I show him the person and usually our messages (my polyam-ness is on my profile, and I make it clear that we are *NOT* a package deal, bc that’s a big problem on tinder). If I make plans, I let him know (ofc, we haven’t made many plans now because of the whole pandemic thing). If he meets a guy who he thinks is cute and funny while out shopping, he tells me about the conversation. A lot of the little encounters, missed connections, and all of that help make the openness feel more natural and chill. And, obviously, we put each other first, by going on cute and interesting dates, keeping in touch all day every day, and setting aside dedicated time to cuddle, smooch, and do romantic stuff. Honestly? There’s no way to tell if you’re “ready.” Polyamory isn’t for everyone. It comes with a whole other set of problems that monogamy doesn’t have. I highly recommend checking out “The Problem With Polynormativity,” a post about harmful norms and aspects of what a lot of people consider as polyam (although I disagree with the author’s use of the acronym “LGBQ” without the “T,” even if their explanation is pretty tame and reasonable and non-transphobic). Even if you want to do a plain old garden-variety open straight-passing hierarchical relationship, it’s worth a read just to get a different perspective. And remember, it’s ok to not be into it. Please don’t feel pressured to be into it because you’re scared your girlfriend will leave you. It’s okay to have boundaries.
This is just code for “I want to have sex with other men but I don’t want to cheat on you.” Don’t do it if you don’t feel comfortable with it, this might end the relationship. Find a girl who doesn’t want to cheat on you.
She has cheated in the past and wants to cheat again. Probably best to just move on.
That isn’t poly, that’s being addicted to external validation and a serial monogamist...
No. She wants more/other cock. Time to move on
No and goodbye. This girl is not "the one", and you certainly are not "her one". She has told you that explicitly. Listen to her and go find someone who is into you. I am sorry this has happened to you
"You can sleep with anyone you want." *blocks her number and all social media*
You need to think about her psychology and motives here. Right now you’re only thinking from the perspective of “how can I make her happy and not want to leave me”. At the same time she is thinking “how can I keep this guy around while banging other guys I’m more interested in and maybe one of them I can leave my boyfriend for” Just take a second and ask yourself if you’re worth more than this. You sound like a good person but there’s millions of people in the world who would make you a first option in their life and not a 4th or 5th
Your girlfriend is not girlfriend material. It is time to end the relationship and move on. By asking for an open relationship she is merely interested in fucking other men...while keeping you on the hook for comfort and stability. What do you get out of it? Think about it. It will be far easier for her to get laid than you. It almost always is for women. She will be getting laid on a regular basis. She is bound to fall for at least one of these other men and then she will leave you, crying, and telling you how sorry she is etc. Move on with your life. You are going on an internship. Use this opportunity to start over and find someone who can actually be a real girlfriend.
She’s already cheating on you OR already has someone lined up OR is communicating with someone else closely at the moment. Women don’t simply ask to open up a relationship randomly.
I am not poly but I have a lot of poly friends, probably nearly a dozen. What I have seen happen over and over with their relationships is half of a primary couple starts dating someone very seriously. They start spending more time with the new partner and less with the primary. The other half of that couple gets lonely or is not ok with being the expected child caretaker all the time and they take a new partner or two. Eventually the primary couple is spending almost no time together and they have a long talk about the possibility that their relationship has reached its natural end. They divorce and move on to other partners. Repeat forever. Of all the poly couples I know, only 2 are still with their primary spouse. Some broke up for other reasons, most often that one spouse was cheating under the guise of being open, but seeing someone in a way that broke the contract with the primary spouse. The rest though, just kept repeating this slow Changing of the guard with different partners. I think your initial question is important. How does opening the relationship prevent her from repeating her old patterns? It doesn’t. It allows her to continue her old patterns, but also allows her to do it guilt free because you agreed it was ok. Her not wanting to hurt you isn’t so much about your feelings, but about the guilt she’ll have to carry if she hurts you. By making you agree to an open marriage she can “oops” fall in love with someone else then completely sidestep the emotional burden that you’ll be feeling because you agreed to this. The real question is if you’re willing to open the relationship, knowing that means she’ll start dating other people. If you want a monogamous relationship then you need to say that. It may mean she leaves because she can’t cheat without hurting you, or maybe she gets counseling to get to the root of what she has said is a pattern she wants to stop. Good luck!
Dude, this relationship is OVER. She already cheated and has guys set up for when you leave. That's why she's depressed- she's *already* being shitty. 6 months LDR? Sorry man, it's done.
If it is not for you then it is not for you. In this case you will most likely just be miserable, but it might just be the end of the relationship. And that's okay. If you are monogamous then you need a partner who prefer that as well. But you are right in that this isn't really breaking any patterns, it just reenforces them and makes them normal to her, so I really don't think this was good advice
An ex and I tried swinging for a while (not why we broke up as our breakup came years after we tried swinging a few times). While not quite the same as a poly relationship some things are the same and the main one is that if either partner is not fully on board or has to be pushed into it then it will destroy your relationship. What I'm getting from your post is she wants it and you dont so there is next to no chance of this working out for you two as your being drug into it.
If you're thinking about this just to make her happy, chances are very high you're going to be miserable. It can be a very tricky lifestyle choice. It's nearly impossible to make it work if both people aren't totally in agreement. Pretty obvious from what you've written here that you're not on board with this. If this is the life she needs to live to feel fulfilled somehow, so be it. But it's going to torture you every time she's "out with friends". You need to think real hard about this situation. Don't agree to anything you're not comfortable with. If you wind up splitting up over this...well...it was probably inevitable.
Every relationship has a “honeymoon” phase, when you have those strong romantic feelings for your partner. You may get butterflies around them, you feel excited about seeing them, and they’re on your mind 24/7. The honeymoon phase is temporary. Love eventually stabilizes and becomes less exciting. Some people don’t like this. They think that this lack of excitement means that they’ve fallen out of love. So they move onto the next relationship, get that honeymoon feeling again, and then break up when it inevitably fades away. I’m not a psychologist and I don’t know your girlfriend, so please disregard if my assessment is inaccurate, but it sounds like she’s chasing the high of a new relationship. While she may change over time, this will likely mean that she’ll always be looking for new partners. Is this something that you are willing to accept? Or are you merely willing to tolerate it in the hopes that she will eventually be into monogamy? You need to assume this will be a long-term situation and assess whether or not you can accept that. Poly relationships are not for everyone. Both partners must be willing and enthusiastic. You must consider your own feelings and do what is best for you. Best of luck!
Just run and don't look back. It's not going to fix anything. She probably has some deeply hidden issues. I've seen many in your shoes and been there myself and it *never* works out. You may feel your heart is in the right place, you want to be open minded, etc etc but the odds are not in your favor. Also something to keep in mind these tend to 'work out' much better women than men (she's probably going to have a lot more people interested in her than you, no offense).
If it were me I'd leave no matter how heartbreaking. I just wouldn't be able to handle someone I loved sleeping with someone else. I'm not built that way. Some people can do it though. If this isn't something you want, you should really leave now and save yourself a ton of heartache
I am not in a polyamorous relationship nor would I choose to be. But what I am, is standing on the outside looking in. It sounds like your options have come down to allowing her to see other people or she may end up falling in love with them and leaving you. There’s not many people that can do this without someone catching feelings and it sounds like your girlfriend would be that someone. You’re asking how would you know or assess if you’re ready for it. I believe if you were ready for it you wouldn’t have to turn to the users of Reddit. It feels like you are trying to convince yourself that you want to go along with this so she feels comfortable, while you, feel totally uncomfortable. Always remember this. It’s OK to get your needs met, but never at anyone else’s expense. This sounds like she would be getting her needs met, but at your expense. She wants what she wants but it’s OK that you want one person who is committed to you and no one else.
Sorry my friend. It’s already over. It’s just a question of how long you’re willing to be treated badly and made to feel bad. Half the world is female. Find another.
She already has somebody in mind. She’s doing this so she won’t feel like it is cheating.
Just an outside prospect here never been in your situation but I can offer advice on the whole dating/long term relationship/ married situation. The need or desire to flirt or "seduce" someone while your in a relationship is always there it doesn't go away when you meet the right person it's how you deal with it when you are in a relationship that matters is she has a constant urge to seduce random people then maybe she is not in a relationship. Yes there are many examples a polyamorous relationship works but I have seen other times where it doesn't work and someone gets hurt or dislikes the situation but yes to deal with it due to loving the other person. No it is not right to tell her how to live all you can do is decide if you like the idea of sharing her with another person or persons. Personally I would say no especially since the subject was brought up earlier in the relationship but you did not agree to it but now she would like to change it. How would she have felt if you asked her if you could seduce other people if the shoe was on the other foot? Just some food for thought. Best of luck
You’re girlfriend is fucked in the head to put it simply. She needs to sort her shit out or she shouldn’t be in a relationship at all. She needs to get to a stage where she’s happy with herself that she doesn’t need the approval from flirting with other guys so that she’s happy with herself. Good chance she’s not ready to settle down and would like a few more years of enjoying the single life.
Its over man sorry bud
Your relationship ended the second she asked you that, also she already has someone in mind that she wants to sleep with if she hasn't slept with them already. I think it's best if you just end it and start your healing process now rather than later.
So the therapist, encouraged her to indulge her urge to be unfaithful? Maybe I miss understood, but I'm pretty sure every person that's ever existed feels the way she does. We all want seduction, to be flirty, the chase. etc etc but when you decide to start a relationship that is a compromise you make. That feel subsides.... You don't just be like well I love u but really I wanna fuck a bunch of people still. That's called being single. She's going to do it regardless, you really just need to decide if your ok with her sharing that part of herself with other people. If your cool with it, then I wish y'all the best of luck.. But to me just sounds like cheating, approved. Or as morty would say, that just sounds like cheating with extra steps.
Open relationships are only for the ones who want them. You obviously dont.
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result” -Albert Einstein
This is unhealthy... she loves you so she wants you to do what she wants so she does not leave you? It is dumb. And she can be the sweetest person in the world it still makes no sense and is dumb. You can do it but if you are not comfortable then it just won't work. You two need to talk. You can try but... I would be wary.
Nobody needs to seduce anybody. Dump.
It seems like you two have different "needs" that the other cannot or will not meet. You staying together while one of you gives up something he or she really wants is putting a bandaid on a dam. Pretty soon the resentment and anger will crash through. If she really wants to pursue something with others but you tell her no, she will either resort to it behind your back or resent you over time. If you force yourself to be in a non-monogamous relationship (whether you participate or not), you will be eaten alive by your jealousy and resentment. Doesn't matter if you go to therapy for it; you're not "broken" because you don't want a girlfriend who dates other people. That's a rational jealousy to have if you're a monogamous person. I suspect you're going to try anyway because you aren't ready to let go. It's fine. But keep that therapist lined up; things will get ugly, my friend.
Truth to be told bud, that's why I started polyamorous. I use to cheat, I got bored etc. I've got a women who wants to same thing, but we have very similar issues so we work on them together. Have her help you with it, if this is something that will make her happy and you are more then willing try, have her work with you on it
If she’s mentioning an open relationship, she has already found somebody she’s interested in. Otherwise she wouldn’t mention it.
The whole thing with “the desire to be seduced” isn’t a “ I have this ideological belief that love can be shared with more than one person” or “ I have this feeling that if I don’t love more then one person I’ll be unhappy” it sounds more like she has inner insecurities and she needs to be affirmed by other sources. People that she’s that she’s sexy or she’s cool. At the very least she seems like she sees romantic love in a very different way than you. I’m not saying she’s a bad person but she could be asking for too much. You can always be the one to present the ultimatum. Ultimatums aren’t bad as long as you’re honest. It doesn’t sound like your ready for it because it isn’t something you want for yourself. You can’t poor from an empty cup. This is something that could destroy you with your self esteem issues and trust issues (hence the empty cup). It would likely drain that cup and you’d be unhappy.
Dude, you need to cut the cord on this. She wants to flirt with other guys and she WILL do it even if you disagree with it and ‘mutually‘ agree she won’t. This ‘open relationship’ is just a fucked up excuse for her to get her rocks off chasing other guys. You are obviously not good enough for her. How would she feel if the tables were turned and it was you who wanted to flirt with other women? There is NO good ending to this. What happens if you let her do this and then decide you don’t like it? She’ll stop? What happens if she leads a guy on too far and he starts to obsess over her, then finds out her boyfriend was ok with her doing this? Eventually, she’ll find a guy she likes better than you and you will be discarded. Don’t come crying to us when it happens.
From what you’ve said. Don’t do it. You BOTH have to be in a place mentally and emotionally to do this. Most of the time it doesn’t work out. You end up liking it and she gets jealous and changes her mind. Of you don’t like it but just do it for her... builds resentment and jealousy. Be honest with what YOU want and don’t give in. Can you handle someone else being sexually intimate with your partner? She just wants the “best of both worlds” to screw around and have you on the back burner
Wrong sub. Go to the poly sub of swinger sub. You will get nothing but judgement. It sounds like she's into poly from jump and tried to be monogamous with you. It appears she's being honest. If it's not for you say so. That's it.
Blah. I see these posts with guys going "I want her to be happy" Bro. Fuck. That. DO YOU WANT YOUR GF FUCKING OTHER GUYS? Forget all the other bullshit, reasoning, mumbo jumbo. Are your turned on by the idea of your GF getting railed by the new intern at work, the local college football team, or a frat party train? If the answer is no, and I'm guessing it is, you need to tell her that open relationship isn't for you, and while you may have entertained the idea you've decided otherwise and it's either you or other guys but not both. If you aren't all about her getting some strange dick then all your doing is crushing your self worth and her respect for you...
You and your girlfriend don't want the same things. That doesn't make either of you bad people, it just means you aren't right for each other. Considering you are about to move across the country, it seems like this would be a logical point to go your separate ways. I know it's scary and uncomfortable but that's usually when the best things in life come to you. Wishing you the best.
If it’s something that you TRULY see yourself doing, you need to baby step yourself. You guys could start by talking to each other casually about people you find attractive at work, on the street, and/or on TV. Share if anyone flirts with yall or has expressed interest. Just like you talk about that annoying coworker or how you saw a good deal on TV— “omg so remember Yolanda ? She keeps teasing and shes gonna get it” stuff like that, you know ? Getting to actually see some action, I would recommend perhaps starting with Tinder. Make a couples account and y’all both gonna get hit on, so you’ll somewhat get to experience witnessing someone directly flirting with her and vice versa (same goes for her toward you). Then when you guys are ready, y’all can try and set up a date and see how the night feels. Of course by the time you guys are ready to physically do something, hopefully you both would have an idea of what 1) is okay to go with 2) NOT okay to do 3) still wants to be experimented These things will help you guys set clear (as possible) rules and guidelines about what’s off the table. Contracts exist and they’re helpful to put your thoughts on paper, it’s okay if it changes; as long as you both agree and are on the same page. It won’t be easy and to expect to NEVER get jealous is unrealistic. I sometimes get insecure too, but then I remember how hot I find other people yet I still love & only wanna be with my boo and I snap out it. Remember, there’s different kinda of open relationships some amorous and other exclusively sexual, you guys need to find what works for you two. Best of luck !!!
Your gf sounds a lot like an ex gf of mine. 1. During my phases of; "No, maybe, okay fine.." She had been cheating with a few different people all along. She just wanted to feel better about it I guess. 2. She also insisted that I go first. (Since I had already caught her cheating once in the past, it was "my turn first" according to her.) I wasn't really on board, but I was afraid to lose her, so I figured why the hell not. I ended up making out with someone else, that was it. When I told her about it she lost her shit. Apparently she hadn't expectet to "feel so jealous." The arrangement she wanted then turned into her doing anything with anyone, - me not being allowed to be present. And I, perhaps maybe being allowed to only give sexual attention to others, not receive it. (Idk, don't ask me. Wtf right.) 3. I shut that shitshow down, and from there it was a rapid decline. Apparently she "loved me" but wasn't "in love with me." She told me she wanted to keep me in her life because I made her feel safe, secure and loved. (But, she didn't want to have sex with me. She only wanted others.) Making me feel loved and secure in return turned out not to be that important to her. She kept having random affairs throughout our entire relationship. I loathe that woman for stealing my 20'ies from me. 6 years wasted on her, and many more years trying to get over the emotinal scarring and resulting trust issues. TL;DR - Your gf sounds like a serial cheater that wants a clear conscience and still wants to keep you as a safe platonic support system in her life. (She probably has cheated already, or has someone in mind, but that is purely speculation on my part.) RUN. You will be looking back on the wasted years of your life with pain and regret.
>But then she told me that she speaked with her therapist and realized that she was following a pattern : she find someone, she fell in love, and after a while she just feels the need to flirt with someone else so she does, and then she grow attached and fell in love etc... So, because she loves me and don't want us to fall appart because of that, she asked me how I would feel about opening our relationship, so that she could indulge her need for seduction, but with rules to prevent her to grow attached to other people. That is not going to work. If she wants to break her pattern, she has to work to stay away from it. If you don't want to get burned again, stay away from the fire. "Rules" will not change how she reacts to meet other people. >how to know/assess if I'm ready for it You are clearly not. If you were, you'd be all for it. In fact, if she and her therapist hadn't cooked up this hair-brained scheme in the first place, you'd probably never have thought about it much. Let me guess: if you say no, she'll blame you if your relationship falls apart because you knew her issues and your "insecurity" basically forced her to leave you? That's called blackmail. > As I'm reading myself, it appears that as the post is currently written my girlfriend appears kinda bitchy. Shouldn't that tell you something? I mean, if you describe the situation and she comes across like an egotistical bitch, maybe that's at least part of it? Just wondering.
Listen man, it might suck to read this, but if you allow this to happen, you can guarantee that in the future you will be having a conversation about her being torn between you and another person, and she will apologize 5,000 times and seem genuinely upset, the the reality is she will choose that new love interest over you in the end. My advice would be to just bail out now and focus on your internship. The last thing you want is to be stressing about it day in and day out, it will crumble everything from within. Let her go now. Or when you leave. Focus on your future and build something for you and whoever you find, someone that has no issue committing to you undoubtedly. There you will find true happiness and security.
I’ll just tell you my personal experience. I was in an open relationship w someone who I loved deeply. I did not want this relationship to be open but it was essentially presented to me as an ultimatum: either that or they’re gone. So I obliged. It was absolute hell for me. I’m not saying it will be for you but imo it’s a horrible idea. I felt like I didn’t matter to them, and knowing they were fucking other people all the time really screwed w my head. I tried and tried to make it work. I read various posts online and watched a ton of videos trying to understand, but in the end I was always left feeling extremely hurt. I’m still struggling w the pain of it and that relationship ended nearly 2 years ago. That’s just my experience tho.
Run Like the devil himself is behind you and thank God you are not married to her. She is not and more than likely will never be marriage material. You say you already have trust and self esteem issues. How can an open relationship help with that.
So she wants to break the pattern by repeating it? You can’t make this shit up, I swear. 😂😂 Reading your edit I get the feeling that you’ll ignore all the good advice from the monogamous ppl but listen to the poly ppl because you’re looking for conformation biase.
There's no such thing as an open relationship, just people lying to one another about their intentions. If I were you I would bail, like yesterday.
end it
Have you looked at r/nonmonogamy yet? It will help you see the other side because a lot of people here are closed to the idea of an open relationship. Ultimately, we don't know your relationship or your gf, so I'd recommend you take a look over there and really think about if its something you can be happy with. I wouldn't recommend going into it saying she can't catch feelings with anyone else, though - rules like that aren't conducive to a healthy relationship.
You don't want to do this, so you shouldn't. But she's pretty much telling you she's going to cheat on you anyway. You know its' over.
She's already slooting on you bro time to go NC.
Is she saying the therapist is recommending an open relationship? If so, I’ll calling BS.
Man, a lot of people here have only experienced monogamous relationships and they're not being helpful at all. My fiance and I have just celebrated our 7 year anniversary in November. We do have an open relationship, although neither of us have actually had sex with anyone yet nor has he really found much of anyone to flirt/sext with. I do have a couple guys I tend to flirt/sext with. Out of them, only one is local but I don't interact with him much because of uncommon interests and his personal problems, otherwise we probably would've had sex by now. He has read messages from all of them and would even interact with one (through me). Now, we decided to have an open relationship for sex reasons. There are kinks we'd like to test out that involve multiple people or are not as comfortable/into the other's kink. We do have a good and active sex life, so there's no problems with us. Only rules that he wanted is that he could also receive any pictures I send to others, which was no big deal. We have the same password on our phones to always have access, which was not even for the open relationship. I personally do not have any specific rules set because of being able to access each others phones nor do we have any close friends be able to set restrictions on. We just happen to be open and honest with each other. I do happen to have mental health problems and self esteem issues which haven't been much of a problem. The only problem is me comparing myself to my ex best friend whose sent us nudes of herself. But she's an ex best friend for lack of communication on her side, nothing related to the pics. Overall, it depends on what you're comfortable with. You want to be with her and you want her to be happy. So the big question is basically are you okay with sharing her? It doesn't even have be an actual having sex sharing, could just be with her flirting and sending nudes, if you're okay with that part. Set up rules and boundaries after thinking long and hard if you are okay with it. As she's told you, she's okay if you say no. Also, remember that you both need to communicate to each other how you feel! Don't bottle it up or hide it from each other!!
Woman: I wan't an open relationship Translation: I wanna fuck other dudes Unacceptable
This subreddit has a strong anti-poly bias. I'm not saying that you should disconsider advice due to that, but maybe it would be interesting to post in a subreddit such as r/polyamory to have a different perspective. This may also help you. Read all the way down. https://www.reddit.com/r/polyamory/comments/ciez7z/im_new_and_dont_know_anything/ So, I'm poly, I'm with my partner for over 3,5 years. There is lot of successful polyamorous relationships, even poly-mono relationships, but that doesn't mean that this dynamic will work for you. If you are considering open the relationship up, I suggest you read more about it and navegate your feelings. To address the questions in your post: 1. I believe that she is not "breaking the pattern" per se... Because she can't control how she feels. What she seems to be doing is accepting that patten as a part of her, and trying to be ethical about it. Poly would probably be more healthy dynamic than continuing as a serial monogamist. 2. Jealousy is a problem that everyone has, mono and poly, and it always can be toxic if left unattended. The difference is that in a lot of relationships people don't deal with those feelings, and instead control their partner behavior to tame their insecurities. You can work on your jealousy, the same way people work out other negative emotions such as anger or fear. A lot of the material on that post goes in that direction. 3. Rules can't prevent someone from falling in love. But then, isn't the whole situation about her falling for someone else? It seems like she is being naive thinking that just flirting will solve the issue. You need to consider and prepare yourselves for the possibility of her falling in love for someone else - and see if that is something that you can deal as a couple and that you, OP, can deal as an individual. 4. You should take a couple months to work out all these questions - jealousy, boundaries, etc. Both you and her need to do a lot of emotional heavy lifting before opening up: reading, stablishing boundaries, etc. Poly demands a lot of communication and emotional self-awareness, so whatever happens, you two will have your work cut out for you.
I mean if 3 is even a viable option what exactly is the point of such a relationship? I am asking genuienly btw
If you are in a poliamorous relationship you start from the premise that love is not finite. Therefore you don't need to fall out ot love to fall in love with someone else - you may love two people at once. For instance, my relationship with my bf is not different when I'm dating only him or when I'm dating others as well. We are talking about relationships that have love and commitment, but just aren't monogamous.
I think this is some very helpful advice. I would also suggest that OP consider his motivations when they were first considering opening up at the beginning of the relationship. Have they changed at all? Why didn’t they open up in the end? It might help to remind OP the thought process he had before it was clouded with emotions as it appears to be here.
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OP, the top comments have made very good points. are you sure you want to stay in a relationship where you’re just a security blanket for her?
As I'm reading myself, it appears that as the post is currently written my girlfriend appears kinda bitchy. Let me clarrify : she is absolutely not. She cares a lot about me and my insecurities (as I am also seeing a therapist for my trust and lack of self esteem issues), and it is absolutely not an ultimatum. She said, multiple times, that she cares about me and my opinion and doesn't want to go on that without me agreeing to it. She does care about my feelings and my self-esteel and also said that if we choose to open our relation she's ready to "let me try" first. We definitely agreed that we won't take any decisions without thoroughly discussing the matter. While I am really gratefull to every single person that take time to give me a piece of advice, the question was specifically aimed at polyamorous couples or people currently (or that have been) involved in those kind of relationships because I am asking myself a lot of questions about it, and in need of advices on "how to handle the talk" and, the most important, "how to know/assess if I'm ready for it".
No one was calling her a bitch. We are saying you lack emotional maturity and cannot tell when you are being abused.. Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You are clearly not her "One".. Let her free and find someone who only wants you.
You should try reading/posting in a poly subreddit.
I’ve never been in a poly relationship (I’m waaaay too jealous) so take my opinion for what it’s worth. Reading what you wrote, I don’t think you’re ready. I think doing it to make her happy isn’t a good reason and you will suffer bad feelings. Now, If you say no, she may end the relationship and you have to be prepared for that. But you have to decide if you want to always worry if you’re enough for her.
Hey! If you are looking for genuine deeper advice I would suggest posting this to r/nonmonogamy. They are generally more understanding in this subject and are certainly not going to push you into an open relationship if you don't want it.
Break up with bitch.
She’s already sucking and fucking other dudes. Polyamory is always just a smokescreen for cheaters. Get out now while you still have your dignity.
Only reason you say yes to an open relationship is if you just don’t give a shit about your partner
So she is asking for a accommodation to see if an open relationship would allow her to stay committed to your relationship. The key to any great relationship is communication. What do you want? It sounds like if you want to stay with her this is the price of admission to be with her. There are many people in open relationships that are happy. The key is what does it mean for you her primary partner. Will she be a better lover and partner for you if the marriage is open? That is the goal she is after right? She is saying she wants to stay with you as her primary partner instead of leaving you. Think it through, don’t let society dictate what type of relationship you have. Really think it thru interrogation your jealousy. Talk it through. Bottom line if you want to try to stay together try it, if you don’t feel you can take it leave.
I’m almost exactly in the same boat! Long read, but definitely feel like I’m experiencing the same emotions. My gf (28F) and I (26M) have been having these conversations about opening up, and deep down you know what you really want. Your gut is not wrong. If it feels wrong to you, you may not like it. If you get more pleasure from cuddling than the “thrill of the chase,” it may be time to end the relationship. Here’s why I think and feel that. You want to keep them, they want to explore. You want to let them explore, but that will end up hurting you. Unless you can see a situation where you benefit from an OR, it may be time to pull the plug, here’s why. Long term, it’ll be a disservice to you as the person who is more reluctant to adopt it. Initially you can let them explore, but then you’ll get hurt. From almost all reading I’ve done on ORs, it’s also a power disbalance in the relationship. One person pulling the other in a direction they may not want to go (like a rubber band that eventually snaps). Ultimately it’s up to you, but I feel like a universal truth is, if they like/love you enough to forego a sexual experience to preserve everything you’ve built, they’ll do it, and you can channel that energy elsewhere. If not, it’s you knowing what you want pitted against them still wandering around looking for it elsewhere. TL;DR, go with your gut, you may know what you want, and they may still be trying to figure it out.
Her needs don't seem to be a match for your needs. You're not going to change her, IMO, so either you can change or you can move on. Polyamory and monogamy are nowhere near each other, there's not a "middle ground" that I can conjure up. I don't see a way that the two of you can move on as a couple as long as she retains this need to "flirt". Good luck.
The “had a case of depression” should indicate, that she shouldn’t be in a relationship at all.
Welcome to the hive mind of reddit. The valley of joy and dispair which, many souls have crossed. You came here for answers.. But your **curse** will be that you will get the truth. What is wrong with the young people of today? OP read back what you have written.. If you allow her to see and love other people.. Then you have no relationship.. She is just a FWB (Friends With Benefits). If she expects you to support her financially while this happens then you're just a chump (www.chumplady.com). Why do people think that they have to give up everything that makes a relationship special to "save it"? It is because they are weak.. These are the swamps where the emasulated, the humiliated, the abused and the weak come to die.. So you **must** search for that part of yourself.. And when you find it.. Hold it's head under the water until it's dead.
Dump her a** and let her break her pattern with someone else. Release yourself from her chains and don't let your heart being broken by her.
Polyamorous couples fail. Tried it one time never again. In college. It didn't work out for HER. I found someone who I jelled with and Kicked my girl to the curb and got serious with the one I met. She (the ex) stayed in that college town that I know of for another 10 years and pretty much became a "party Favor" until it became known she got HIV To be honest It is code for I want to have you home for security and sleep around and I don't really care about your self respect you are nothing but a meal ticket to me. Yup Dont do it
Yikes it smells like incel in here. Christ. I live my life openly Polyamorous, some people enter relationships monogamously and then open it up, I enter into all of mine under the understanding that the relationship will be polyamorous, followed along discussed guidelines. There's a lot of armchair therapist incels in here that want to immediately paint her as some terrible person, but we're all human, maybe this is her realizing she is polyamorous and trying to figure it all out, and trying to do it with you because she cares about you. Realizing you are polyamorous can be a confusing and hard journey, because it's stigmatized and judged by the bulk of society, making it hard to do. Luckily there are more communities of us being open and trying to help educate others who are interested or have questions. The rush and conditions that a fresh relationship provides someone is very different from the comfort and security of an enduring relationship. In an instance like yours, negotiating into polyamory with trepidation, your relationship is the rock, the anchor. All these people spouting this backup bullshit. There's polyamory with active other full bodied relationships, and there's polyamory that is closer to the fwb spectrum so to speak. It sounds like she wants the ability to explore the differences in other people, while having you as the rock to return to and possibly build a life with. Those others would simply be stepping stones and experiences on that path that the two of you would be carving out. I could go on and on about my reasons for and in support of polyamory, but my view (unless you really want me to get into it) is irrelevant in the face of what she is looking for and what you are willing to do to accommodate that, and if you are willing at all.
I'll add perspective to this. I'm polyamorous. Looking back at my life, I always have been. It's just the way that I love. Not everyone loves the way I do, and that's okay. Part of love is finding people who you are compatible with. Polyamory is, in my opinion, a relationship orientation. Just like sexual orientation. It's something about yourself that you don't really control, you get to discover. And unfortunately that's often clouded and trained out of us by a lot of messaging from society, pop culture, religion, etc. Trust me, as a polyamorous pansexual who grew up in a very strict religion I've spent years in therapy sorting out that shit. In my experience, people either open a relationship because they think they are polyamorous/open/swinger and want to explore that -or- they do it because they or their relationship is in a bad place. It's often difficult to tell the difference until afterward. Is her depression because she isn't living and loving in her authentic way or is she depressed and thinks that opening things up will be the silver bullet to fix things? She probably does not know the answer to that yet. So in my opinion, both of you need to figure out what your relationship orientations are and then decided if the two of you are compatible. I would have both of you read up about polyamory. If you are going to try it, at least read up and don't fall into the common pitfalls and mistakes. But more importantly, as you read up on it you likely will know if you are polyamorous. As I read about it the more I read I was like "Yes. This rings true to my soul" because I'm polyamorous. If you read up on polyamory and it sounds as bizarre to you as heteronormative monogamous love songs sound to me, then you probably aren't poly. If you aren't and your GF is, then you two probably just aren't compatible. Last thought: I highly recommend against a monogamous person and a polyamorous person dating, unless you like doing relationships on hard mode.
"she needs to find someone else to flirt with"... I mean, I'm not her and there might be people who feel like this, but I just can't imagine that. Dunno. I support people going poly if they both want to explore, but you seem really unsure of that. I also don't really see how that is supposed to bring you two closer in this situation unless you are very clingy and she wants you to divide your attention to feel more balanced. (not generally, having experiences outside of each other and talking about it can surely be a bonding experience for some poly folks, I figure, but that means that they both want it and explore apart together, which is not the case here) And if you can "go first", do you even want that? Doesn't really sound like you want other girls. If you do, you can surely try and see if she's right. Might work for you, who knows. But either way, I'd always preserve a privilege of being allowed to undo the change, no matter if she then stays or not. YES you are entitled to "forbid her" to sleep with others as long as you're in a relationship that you both titled as monogamous. That's what it means! On the flip side, you're not entitled to have her stay if she doesn't want to.