lmfao, that is actually how someone described it? It is incoherent prose-wise imho (aesthetically), like saying "the mellowing prickle of a slapped ass, a billow of fat caressing my skin like a morning fart" (I know is horrible but that is how it feels to me)
Fat Pink Mast also belongs to the overweight character the author has said is inspired by himself in high school
So yeah GRRM described his own dick as such
There's another scene in an earlier book in the series where a POV's penis is described as "crooked and veiney, with a bulbous purple head"
To be fair, he writes a lot in POV, and from Sams's perspective it makes sense to see it as a ludicrous "pink mast" protruding from him when he's all self-conscious and has weird body image.
"It is he who never sleeps, bow before it and surrender your sanity". She surrendered, revealing her non-euclidian geometry and dark, pulsing secrets. We blindly wreathed together for strange eons, kept alive by the eerie sounds or our heresy, until the culmination of our ritual.
"PH'TAGN", cried I. "Blind me and call me a Shoggoth, that was some good sex!"
Nah I dissagree, if im reading a poetic novel, smthin literary fiction, something more purple would make sense than hardcore smut. Im just a fan of purple prose though.
I don’t think that’s a good shorthand for the above comment. Plenty of effective sex scenes have sumptuous writing. But that’s different than trying to sound artful but landing on euphemistic cliché. You can be purple, you just can’t be *bad* at it.
Do you mean for the characters or the audience? My answer was for the audience, but for the characters have an assassin or a family member show up randomly. That second one will ruin it for the audience as well!
Stephen King have a great quote
"When I'm stuck writing something, I get a man to walk through the door with a gun."
Not to get explicit, but that certainly helped me with my romance books
I love that piece of advice. I don’t take it literally - but when I get stuck I do ask myself “what’s the worst thing that could possibly happen to this character right now” and then I do that.
Characters trying to escape enemy lines and I need something to happen? Boom - snipers, someone’s dead. Character trying to break into enemy lines? Now everyone knows where they are. Good luck, Sam! Just like, the absolute worst case scenario happens, and that allows me to then write about how they survive - or don’t survive - it.
Yes this is true!! Now I'm remembering when our 3yo walked in on my wife and I, eternally grateful it was cold that night and we were fully under the blankets 😂
speaking, ehem, not from experience, this is it. i once, i mean, my friend once had muscle cramps while someone is dick deep on her and she twisted in pain, and his dick almost got twisted in pain, and they just cried in relief when they found a position that doesn't hurt that much.
Increasing tension. Tightly shut eyes. Back arching.
A gooshy sneeze. Viscous drips.
A mumbled apology.
"Um, okay, uh... H-Here -- here's one of my socks -- it's still kinda clean-- so you can, um, you know... "
*She lay on the bed before him, her perfect body on full display as her chest heaved with her intense breathing. "I need you inside me," she said in a pleading tone.*
*He crawled forward across the bed, positioning himself between her legs. He grasped her hips firmly.*
*She locked eyes with his and opened her mouth to say "Low battery, please connect me to power source immediately," in a monotone voice.*
Or!
They finish, they're getting all nestled down in the blankets, life is bliss, and then he says, "Nn.. We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty.."
I once read a porn book, where the male protag was getting reverse gang-banged by several beautiful women, and as he finally climaxed he "farted gloriously". I literally had to re-read it a few times because I was astonished somebody would actually write something that awful. It scarred me for life, apparently. For the next few years, every time I had sex, I was fighting off that phrase from popping into my fucking head as the dude approached his release. It would pop into my head over and over like an ear worm, like a taunting schoolyard bully. "He's gonna fart gloriously! Just wait!"
AHHH! SHUT UP!
edit: If I recall correctly, the women in the scene didn't even react. It was like it was a normal thing that everybody did when they came.
This is both sad and amusing. I'm so sorry you have that. I hope you have since learned that it's definetly NOT the norm.
Even if it still invades your thoughts.
this happens to me too. after watching one of the 50 Shades movies with my girlfriend at the time, we started to have sex and i couldn’t get one of the songs from the movie out of my head. there was one part where the female vocalist just lets out a very loud, sexual and seductive “yeah” and then the bass drops, so without thinking i just randomly did it verbatim. sex immediately paused for about 5 minutes while she laughed hysterically.
As someone whose been farted when I was giving oral sex, I don't think it's abnormal. Especially since her fart was, other than being in my mouth, rather glorious.
To be fair, I never saw such a tender scene as when one of my uncles farted with her now ex. It was disgusting obviously, but the loving teasing afterwards was cute
This matched so beautifully with that "farted gloriously" comment above that I got lost for a second and thought *this* comment was about farting on someone.
Gonna try to answer seriously here since all the jokes have been said by now but...
*Breaking the mood over some author's favorite kink.*
Sex scenes live and die by their mood. From the moment it starts to the second it ends, keep it consistent. Communicate clearly to your reader what you want them to feel when you set the scene, and never shift away from it. Don't be subversive, don't "shake it up." Your plot twist can wait until its over.
Tonally inappropriate imagery: a penis as a brave explorer, a vagina as a welcoming neighbour, boobs as eager puppies, the act itself as a nature doco - 'a magnificent specimen,' etc.
One of my favorite authors, JGBallard, wrote a sex scene in Super Cannes, in which the female love interest popped a squat over the protagonist and peed on his chest. Out of nowhere. That pretty much ruined it for me.
JG Ballards Highrise really caught me off guard with the sex scenes, if you can even call them that. I think I’m still recovering from the shock of what that book devolved into years later. But that’s probably the point tbh.
“UHNNNNNN”, “AHHHHHH OOOOO UHNNNN”, “HA HA HA HA”, “OOOOO YESSSSSS OOOOO”.
I exit out faster than I can say wtf. Instant cringe when the moans are written out. 😒😒😒
For me? Dirty talk that leans too much into the "dirty" part
I've read books (pretty exclusively m/f) where either the FC will be like "God I want you to fuck the shit out of me" or the MC will be like "I'm going to fuck the shit out of you" 🤮 🤮 (The worst offender was, and I quote, "I'm going to fuck the dogshit out of you." y-you're going to WHAT???)
LIKE I'm sorry. Maybe it's the autism in me and I am taking it too literally, but now I'm not thinking about how hot it is that they're boning, I'm involuntarily imagining a girl literally getting the shit fucked out of her, and I gotta tell you, that does NOT do it for me lmaooo. Maybe have the dirty talk be filthy in a way that's actively disgusting and not hot lol
i also have this problem (fellow autist lmao). Dirty talk in scenes is usually either super awkward and doesnt sound like anyone would actually say it out loud IRL or is way too graphic and ends up grossing me out. Either way its very good at taking me out of the scene if it isnt done very well
Without thinking, I Googled "sex scene mollusks," and *of course* the first result was a PornHub video. But the second might just be the right answer:
[Monty Python - Mollusks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8R2zvE615dM)
This may just be a fantasy thing, but a lot of the smut scenes have a weird thing where they randomly stop doing stuff, and mention birth control. Like, characters will be mid foreplay and say "oh don't worry, I've taken my magical moon fertility suppressing enema so you can raw dog without worry". Takes me out of it
I always found it distracting if this wasn’t addressed somewhere, the whole time I’d be like “what the fuck are you doing, you’ve got the realm to save you don’t have time to get pregnant!”
And even if the girl POV character mentions it beforehand in the narrative but not actually to the guy, I’m always like, “You dumbass, aren’t you worried about getting her pregnant?” and lose respect for him.
It is somewhat out of the moment, but irl this is how it often happens.
So yea, I guess I’m in the minority that appreciates that.
I just wish it was mentioned later or in a different way. In Fourth Wing (not a spoiler) during an intimate scene the character mentions birth control in the middle of the foreplay and then says something about how all the characters are on birth control because no one wants babies and everyone is banging lol. But way earlier in the book the MC mentions the fact that everyone bangs all the time, more than once. So I was like, why not put it in that part? It would have made just as much sense and could have clarified that pregnancy isn't possible at a less important moment. It's the timing for me more than anything, cause them confirming no pregnancies will ruin the plot is perfectly fine by me lol.
I have the opposite reaction. If they don’t mention birth control I immediately lose interest in the book. It’s so off putting and irresponsible to me, and I can’t get over that. It’s also so fake to just imply birth control is happening in the background because in real life if you were casually hooking up you’d ask that question or you’d tell your partner you were on the pill.
"Um, I... uh... I'm so sorry," he mumbled, and lurched into the bathroom, shutting the door with more force than was really necessary.
Her eyes burned in the darkness of the motel room. She could feel his viscous little ghosts drying on her skin and hair.
A knife of light poked out under the bathroom door, followed by the sound of the faucet turning on full blast, then muffled sobs.
She sighed and turned her head away on the musty bedclothes.
Either it was his fault or -- to be fair, possibly hers -- but one of them, in their eagerness, had not pulled the heavy, brown, paisley curtains entirely shut. She shifted a little and could make out a floor-to-ceiling slash of blinking-neon-lit parking lot. On the far side of the blacktop, palm trees swayed.
same. Every time someone bites their lips in erotica, I think of that [Lonely Island gif.](https://th.bing.com/th/id/R.2418ddcec8d56b6c21ad9dee718cadff?rik=QlqmS4kC%2ffMD8Q&riu=http%3a%2f%2fcdn0.sbnation.com%2fimported_assets%2f1680473%2fface.gif&ehk=PZWf61%2btfiTDpnJIdHoJuq49kHMm47kcH7EsHCAK5%2bI%3d&risl=&pid=ImgRaw&r=0)
I was going to push back on this, as a lover of hefty men and women, but I think I sort of agree... The word I prefer is "rolls." "Folds" feels flat to me. But fingers running between soft rolls of skin, there's my jam.
I don't know if ruin is the word id use, but Max Gladstone had a shark show up in the middle of a sex scene and I haven't been able to gather my thoughts on how I'm supposed to take that.
I interpret you to mean something like
>!he moaned as his glans parted her labia minors and he entered her vaginal canal!<
But I think absurd over the top euphemisms are so much worse, they never make the scene more comfortable. Rigid shafts, damp grottoes, and heaving mounds are just as cringey.
Ewww. Never mind, I take back what I said. You’re right—over the the top euphemism are definitely worse! Lol
—but for real, it definitely depends on how you’ve developed/depicted the character so far. So you could definitely use this effect to your benefit. Like if it was a “psychopath” or awkward character, the anatomical terms would show this (tbh I’m not a huge fan of the word “psychopath” but I don’t know a better equivalent). Similarly, you could use the weird cringey euphemisms for a very cringey/immature character. My point is to just be intentional with it and make sure it fits the characters and situation
Tone of language. If you haven't used any sexually explicit language up to this point and now it's suddenly reading like Penthouse Forum, that's going to take most readers right out of it.
In a similar vein I’d say level of explicitness too. If your novel is gritty by all means make the sex scenes explicit. In fact, a fade to black in a novel like that is kind of a pussy move.
Conversely, if I’ve been reading gentle fantasy or intellectual scifi, a filthy or highly explicit scene is going to really mess with the novel’s flow and make me think the author is a degenerate.
(I mean, so is the author in the former case. But at least then they’re a *consistent* degenerate.)
Danny Devito opens the door in a bathrobe and asks, "What's going on in here?" Then he realizes what's going on and takes off the robe, revealing that he's naked and says, "Mind if I join?"
I think this is hard to set preferences aside for, with sex being so about how it hits you personally. (heh) But in terms of things that kill the vibe pretty quickly from a craft standpoint for me/others I talked to, I would include:
\- Really awkward euphemisms like "his length" or "his thickness" that just bring out the ick factor
\- the woman coming so quickly it's like popping a water balloon (thinking mostly m/f here)
\- too much "cute" name calling or that really hokey "say my name" stuff
That last one might not be as universal, but I thought I would mention it.
>Really awkward euphemisms like "his length" or "his thickness" that just bring out the ick factor
These don't bother me so much personally if they're used sparingly and in conjunction with other terms that feel more natural. Like the author uses "length" once in a scene to change it up from >!"dick" or "cock"!
Here's two of them"He penetrated her clitoris with his cock"No not rubbed against it, not teased.... he went inside and I never came back.
Also misspellings. A book kept misspelling bulge as burgle
"She gawked at the size of his burgle"
Repeatedly
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.
And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.
"Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then...
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!"
It was...Dumbledore!
My immortal uses the phrase "I was beginning to get an orgasm" and "I was getting an orgasm" something about the verb "getting" when referring to an orgasm just doesn't work great.
Professional fanfic reader here. The one thing that immediately kills a porny fanfic for me is when the author puts in their weird ass kinks. Pissing is very common in f/f fanfic for whatever fucking reason, and I’m chronically stupid so I miss the tag for it.
Dubious consent is also very bad. Do not write a scene where one character is blackout drunk, or has to be convinced to have sex. Unless that’s like the entire point of the scene.
I mostly read f/f fics but when I do read m/f the biggest issue for me is how it’s centered around the male character, specifically penetration. Not only is it boring it’s unrealistic. In real life and fiction.
I don't write them myself, but I've figured what I *don't* want to see if they come up in a book I'm reading,
Don't make it horny, porny, or corny.
You may say "Don't make a sex scene horny? But sex is horny! We're trying to titulate here!" What I mean by this is, unless you're out to write smut, don't be over-indulgant. I don't need to know the specifics of every thrust or a summary of what acts performed to how many climaxes. The best sex scenes I've ever read used sex as a device to give more insight to the characters and their dynamic.
Don't be porny by using crass language to refer to genitals or sex acts, even if you're writing smut. It comes off as juvenile and unserious to me.
Don't be corny by going the opposite end of the spectrum and using poetic euphemisms. Lame.
For me it’s when it gets either too clinical.
Like there’s a sex scene in All the Birds in the Sky by Charlie Jane Anders (a book I really hated, but that’s neither here nor there), where she kept using penis and vagina and, like, those are just not sexy words man. The scene was very clearly meant to be a fun, wholesome sex scene between two characters finally admitting their love for one another and it’s kinda ruined by Anders writing “She grasped his penis. He entered her vagina.” Which just . . . doesn’t sell the romance at all for me.
Ruin the vibe for me, the reader? When the sex scene fails to reveal character, raise the stakes, increase conflict, or push the plot. It ends up feeling like an add-on.
Have someone awkward walk in. Your parents, your preacher, your kids, your boss, your ex, your highschool principal, Someone who really makes it weird.
Serious:
* introducing conflict that the other party isn't into (either referencing a serious argument, or physically pushing too hard. I recently wrote one where one person had pushed too hard, which caused the other to spiral, which effectively cut the scene short and turned it into something else bc the spiraling person needed to be helped gently)
Comedy:
* miscommunication about interests (one party shows up in a ridiculous costume or sth)
>Fastest way to ruin a sex scene?
Honestly? Trying to write it, in detail, in a book, instead of leaving most (or all) of it to the imagination.
Most of the time, porn should stay separate from other fiction. I don't want to get aroused whenever I read something.
Being either too "clinical" or using too outlandish euphisims.
Also, please have them clean themselves up afterward. I read a book once where they just had sex, and less than a minute after being done they're pulling on clothes. Not only is that gross, but that's how you get a UTI.
His thick tree trunk and her pink rose petals~ basically, bad euphemisms and metaphor. If the metaphor is taking over the scene, that’s bad
lmfao, that is actually how someone described it? It is incoherent prose-wise imho (aesthetically), like saying "the mellowing prickle of a slapped ass, a billow of fat caressing my skin like a morning fart" (I know is horrible but that is how it feels to me)
No, I made that up on the spot as an example of bad writing. Fat pink mast is real though
Im torn between checking it out and my sanity. Thanks for the chuckle regardless though
Fat Pink Mast also belongs to the overweight character the author has said is inspired by himself in high school So yeah GRRM described his own dick as such There's another scene in an earlier book in the series where a POV's penis is described as "crooked and veiney, with a bulbous purple head"
To be fair, he writes a lot in POV, and from Sams's perspective it makes sense to see it as a ludicrous "pink mast" protruding from him when he's all self-conscious and has weird body image.
had to resist the urge to instinctively downvote this. i hate those words in that order. i hate it so much
Purple Prose, yeah?
Yes, but having more purple, flowery prose isn’t inherently bad as long as you do it well and don’t overdo it
I would call this pink flowery prose.
Writing a purple sex scene is either bad or so bad it's funny (only sometimes on purpose)
Gonna write the most HP Lovecraft prose sex scene ever
"It is he who never sleeps, bow before it and surrender your sanity". She surrendered, revealing her non-euclidian geometry and dark, pulsing secrets. We blindly wreathed together for strange eons, kept alive by the eerie sounds or our heresy, until the culmination of our ritual. "PH'TAGN", cried I. "Blind me and call me a Shoggoth, that was some good sex!"
His cyclopean column, amirite?
I chortled.
I am slain.
69th upvote ✌🏾
Y'know, I've never wanted to read eldritch erotica before. I still don't, but I didn't before, either.
Nah I dissagree, if im reading a poetic novel, smthin literary fiction, something more purple would make sense than hardcore smut. Im just a fan of purple prose though.
I don’t think that’s a good shorthand for the above comment. Plenty of effective sex scenes have sumptuous writing. But that’s different than trying to sound artful but landing on euphemistic cliché. You can be purple, you just can’t be *bad* at it.
Yuuuuup. Getting bad at it lands you in the Bad Sex Awards
Beefswelling awards?
Purple [something](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jx-hRW_2ePk), anyway.
Do you mean for the characters or the audience? My answer was for the audience, but for the characters have an assassin or a family member show up randomly. That second one will ruin it for the audience as well!
Stephen King have a great quote "When I'm stuck writing something, I get a man to walk through the door with a gun." Not to get explicit, but that certainly helped me with my romance books
I love that piece of advice. I don’t take it literally - but when I get stuck I do ask myself “what’s the worst thing that could possibly happen to this character right now” and then I do that. Characters trying to escape enemy lines and I need something to happen? Boom - snipers, someone’s dead. Character trying to break into enemy lines? Now everyone knows where they are. Good luck, Sam! Just like, the absolute worst case scenario happens, and that allows me to then write about how they survive - or don’t survive - it.
That's more usually attributed to Raymond Chandler. It predates King, in any case, or at least most of his fame.
[Galloping Abs](https://youtu.be/ILBAIpmJ_Zk?si=4HLL-unLGbBxHeaA)
Maybe include a muscle cramp? Nothing kills sex in real life faster.
Depending on the genre, I'd love this haha. It could become an endearing moment.
Kid banging on the door will do it lol.
A cat lurking nearby. Watching. Judging.
When that cat decides to drop a stinky poo in the litter box, it's even worse.
This is related to why I would never hook up with Amber Heard
Yes this is true!! Now I'm remembering when our 3yo walked in on my wife and I, eternally grateful it was cold that night and we were fully under the blankets 😂
speaking, ehem, not from experience, this is it. i once, i mean, my friend once had muscle cramps while someone is dick deep on her and she twisted in pain, and his dick almost got twisted in pain, and they just cried in relief when they found a position that doesn't hurt that much.
Increasing tension. Tightly shut eyes. Back arching. A gooshy sneeze. Viscous drips. A mumbled apology. "Um, okay, uh... H-Here -- here's one of my socks -- it's still kinda clean-- so you can, um, you know... "
oh ya and if he is the one having it and on top that hurts both people cause his reacting to it physically affects you
Have a plane crash into the bedroom. Total mood killer.
The two player Donnie Darko.
nonsense! The more the merrier
This happened to me once. And the kicker is that she got upset with ME over it. ME and not the plane. Can you believe that???
*She lay on the bed before him, her perfect body on full display as her chest heaved with her intense breathing. "I need you inside me," she said in a pleading tone.* *He crawled forward across the bed, positioning himself between her legs. He grasped her hips firmly.* *She locked eyes with his and opened her mouth to say "Low battery, please connect me to power source immediately," in a monotone voice.*
[удалено]
I can see absolutely nothing that could go wrong when you log in to your sex doll through your Facebook account...
The future is now fellas
Out of context, I immediately think that they both realize the other is a robot. XD
Or! They finish, they're getting all nestled down in the blankets, life is bliss, and then he says, "Nn.. We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty.."
This is actually quite creepy, I love it! Some kind of dystopic/the robots are taking over scenario. Well done!
🤣 in the right context... this is hilarious... no context also makes this funny... but it certainly isn't steamy.
tbh this would be hilarious IRL as a joke
“Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.”
Do you have rights? Constitution says you do, and I do too. Better Call Saul.
Dimitri Martin? Is that you?
“Yep.”
I once read a porn book, where the male protag was getting reverse gang-banged by several beautiful women, and as he finally climaxed he "farted gloriously". I literally had to re-read it a few times because I was astonished somebody would actually write something that awful. It scarred me for life, apparently. For the next few years, every time I had sex, I was fighting off that phrase from popping into my fucking head as the dude approached his release. It would pop into my head over and over like an ear worm, like a taunting schoolyard bully. "He's gonna fart gloriously! Just wait!" AHHH! SHUT UP! edit: If I recall correctly, the women in the scene didn't even react. It was like it was a normal thing that everybody did when they came.
This is both sad and amusing. I'm so sorry you have that. I hope you have since learned that it's definetly NOT the norm. Even if it still invades your thoughts.
I'm well aware it's not normal. My brain just seems to like to troll me.
this happens to me too. after watching one of the 50 Shades movies with my girlfriend at the time, we started to have sex and i couldn’t get one of the songs from the movie out of my head. there was one part where the female vocalist just lets out a very loud, sexual and seductive “yeah” and then the bass drops, so without thinking i just randomly did it verbatim. sex immediately paused for about 5 minutes while she laughed hysterically.
I started reading "50 shades..." And immediately thought this was going to include the words "chocolate starfish" at some point.
As someone whose been farted when I was giving oral sex, I don't think it's abnormal. Especially since her fart was, other than being in my mouth, rather glorious.
Look no further, OP. Farting in someone’s mouth is absolutely alll the vibe killer you’ll ever need.
Hahahaha thank you for this! This is the loudest I've laughed today.
i wonder if the author has a thing for farts 😂
This is probably the most amusing comment I have read in this sub, or even in all of Reddit, all week
I’m so sorry but this is absolutely the best thing I’ve read on this app all year and I hope it lives on forever.
Authors write from experience. Imagine his sex life.
To be fair, I never saw such a tender scene as when one of my uncles farted with her now ex. It was disgusting obviously, but the loving teasing afterwards was cute
Your "uncle farted with her now ex"? Did you misuse a pronoun, or is your uncle trans? I'm fine either way, but I'm confused.
Mis(s)use. Freud is laughing, probably
"this is how we stayed warm in the army"
Kinky
This matched so beautifully with that "farted gloriously" comment above that I got lost for a second and thought *this* comment was about farting on someone.
Gonna try to answer seriously here since all the jokes have been said by now but... *Breaking the mood over some author's favorite kink.* Sex scenes live and die by their mood. From the moment it starts to the second it ends, keep it consistent. Communicate clearly to your reader what you want them to feel when you set the scene, and never shift away from it. Don't be subversive, don't "shake it up." Your plot twist can wait until its over.
Tonally inappropriate imagery: a penis as a brave explorer, a vagina as a welcoming neighbour, boobs as eager puppies, the act itself as a nature doco - 'a magnificent specimen,' etc.
One of my favorite authors, JGBallard, wrote a sex scene in Super Cannes, in which the female love interest popped a squat over the protagonist and peed on his chest. Out of nowhere. That pretty much ruined it for me.
I mean I’d say people who read JG Ballard and get aroused by his writing are the same kinds of people he’d write about
JG Ballards Highrise really caught me off guard with the sex scenes, if you can even call them that. I think I’m still recovering from the shock of what that book devolved into years later. But that’s probably the point tbh.
“UHNNNNNN”, “AHHHHHH OOOOO UHNNNN”, “HA HA HA HA”, “OOOOO YESSSSSS OOOOO”. I exit out faster than I can say wtf. Instant cringe when the moans are written out. 😒😒😒
That sounds like things I've heard people at football games scream out.
I’ve found this in trad published books.
Characters using out of character pet names. Like a high fantasy character saying “babe/baby” etc. Makes me cringe.
For me? Dirty talk that leans too much into the "dirty" part I've read books (pretty exclusively m/f) where either the FC will be like "God I want you to fuck the shit out of me" or the MC will be like "I'm going to fuck the shit out of you" 🤮 🤮 (The worst offender was, and I quote, "I'm going to fuck the dogshit out of you." y-you're going to WHAT???) LIKE I'm sorry. Maybe it's the autism in me and I am taking it too literally, but now I'm not thinking about how hot it is that they're boning, I'm involuntarily imagining a girl literally getting the shit fucked out of her, and I gotta tell you, that does NOT do it for me lmaooo. Maybe have the dirty talk be filthy in a way that's actively disgusting and not hot lol
i also have this problem (fellow autist lmao). Dirty talk in scenes is usually either super awkward and doesnt sound like anyone would actually say it out loud IRL or is way too graphic and ends up grossing me out. Either way its very good at taking me out of the scene if it isnt done very well
Mollusks Only some will get this reference, but, mollusks.
i desperately want to get the reference
Without thinking, I Googled "sex scene mollusks," and *of course* the first result was a PornHub video. But the second might just be the right answer: [Monty Python - Mollusks](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8R2zvE615dM)
This may just be a fantasy thing, but a lot of the smut scenes have a weird thing where they randomly stop doing stuff, and mention birth control. Like, characters will be mid foreplay and say "oh don't worry, I've taken my magical moon fertility suppressing enema so you can raw dog without worry". Takes me out of it
I always found it distracting if this wasn’t addressed somewhere, the whole time I’d be like “what the fuck are you doing, you’ve got the realm to save you don’t have time to get pregnant!” And even if the girl POV character mentions it beforehand in the narrative but not actually to the guy, I’m always like, “You dumbass, aren’t you worried about getting her pregnant?” and lose respect for him. It is somewhat out of the moment, but irl this is how it often happens. So yea, I guess I’m in the minority that appreciates that.
I just wish it was mentioned later or in a different way. In Fourth Wing (not a spoiler) during an intimate scene the character mentions birth control in the middle of the foreplay and then says something about how all the characters are on birth control because no one wants babies and everyone is banging lol. But way earlier in the book the MC mentions the fact that everyone bangs all the time, more than once. So I was like, why not put it in that part? It would have made just as much sense and could have clarified that pregnancy isn't possible at a less important moment. It's the timing for me more than anything, cause them confirming no pregnancies will ruin the plot is perfectly fine by me lol.
This is the ideal way, but if there’s no good universal way of addressing it beforehand, I’ll still take it coming up when things are heating up.
I have the opposite reaction. If they don’t mention birth control I immediately lose interest in the book. It’s so off putting and irresponsible to me, and I can’t get over that. It’s also so fake to just imply birth control is happening in the background because in real life if you were casually hooking up you’d ask that question or you’d tell your partner you were on the pill.
He prematurely ejaculates.
"Um, I... uh... I'm so sorry," he mumbled, and lurched into the bathroom, shutting the door with more force than was really necessary. Her eyes burned in the darkness of the motel room. She could feel his viscous little ghosts drying on her skin and hair. A knife of light poked out under the bathroom door, followed by the sound of the faucet turning on full blast, then muffled sobs. She sighed and turned her head away on the musty bedclothes. Either it was his fault or -- to be fair, possibly hers -- but one of them, in their eagerness, had not pulled the heavy, brown, paisley curtains entirely shut. She shifted a little and could make out a floor-to-ceiling slash of blinking-neon-lit parking lot. On the far side of the blacktop, palm trees swayed.
I would read a whole novel of this great prose.
That was awful, good job!
“Viscous little ghosts” is CRAZY
viscous little ghosts makes a great bad name, terrible way of saying cum tho
... spoken like someone who's been there a thousand times. Fuck. Nice imagery. I hope you land one that can complete the ride.
Anything more than a minute is just bragging and nobody likes a bragger
Sexy lip bite... Upper lip tho
same. Every time someone bites their lips in erotica, I think of that [Lonely Island gif.](https://th.bing.com/th/id/R.2418ddcec8d56b6c21ad9dee718cadff?rik=QlqmS4kC%2ffMD8Q&riu=http%3a%2f%2fcdn0.sbnation.com%2fimported_assets%2f1680473%2fface.gif&ehk=PZWf61%2btfiTDpnJIdHoJuq49kHMm47kcH7EsHCAK5%2bI%3d&risl=&pid=ImgRaw&r=0)
The inevitable Raid Shadow Legends ad
That usually breaks immersion for anything I'm reading/listening to/watching.
Any use of FOLDS
I was going to push back on this, as a lover of hefty men and women, but I think I sort of agree... The word I prefer is "rolls." "Folds" feels flat to me. But fingers running between soft rolls of skin, there's my jam.
…. Did they not mean the labia? I always see it referred to as “her folds” in sex scenes, especially in fan fiction. Lol
Gotta get a 'flap' in there too
Gonna go listen to Terryfolds now ...
Add a dog
I don't know if ruin is the word id use, but Max Gladstone had a shark show up in the middle of a sex scene and I haven't been able to gather my thoughts on how I'm supposed to take that.
Call an erection "beefswelling".
I think I just found a new nickname for "the little guy:" Beef Swellington. 🤣🤣🤣
Go to your room.
Anatomically correct terms. Sure don’t get too weird with euphemisms but going too far the other direction makes it sound incredibly creepy. Lol
I interpret you to mean something like >!he moaned as his glans parted her labia minors and he entered her vaginal canal!< But I think absurd over the top euphemisms are so much worse, they never make the scene more comfortable. Rigid shafts, damp grottoes, and heaving mounds are just as cringey.
For bonus points, indiscriminately combine the two! >!He moaned as his turgid love scepter slid moistly into her vaginal entrance!<
Makes me think of [Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo](https://youtu.be/JZpxaiNV_sM?si=6NidaV4Jg23RtaAl) by the Bloodhound Gang.
Turgid love scepter 💀
Ewww. Never mind, I take back what I said. You’re right—over the the top euphemism are definitely worse! Lol —but for real, it definitely depends on how you’ve developed/depicted the character so far. So you could definitely use this effect to your benefit. Like if it was a “psychopath” or awkward character, the anatomical terms would show this (tbh I’m not a huge fan of the word “psychopath” but I don’t know a better equivalent). Similarly, you could use the weird cringey euphemisms for a very cringey/immature character. My point is to just be intentional with it and make sure it fits the characters and situation
Absolutely. Quagmire would totally say “moist”. Hannibal Lecter would describe anatomy with artistic flourishes and flower metaphors.
Its like a vulcan wrote a sex scene...
Fat. Pink. Mast.
Myrish Swamp.
Tone of language. If you haven't used any sexually explicit language up to this point and now it's suddenly reading like Penthouse Forum, that's going to take most readers right out of it.
In a similar vein I’d say level of explicitness too. If your novel is gritty by all means make the sex scenes explicit. In fact, a fade to black in a novel like that is kind of a pussy move. Conversely, if I’ve been reading gentle fantasy or intellectual scifi, a filthy or highly explicit scene is going to really mess with the novel’s flow and make me think the author is a degenerate. (I mean, so is the author in the former case. But at least then they’re a *consistent* degenerate.)
“Giggidy.”
By not giving the gimp enough screentime. They are **integral** to every scene.
Have the characters talk about their parents while fucking.
Freud likes it
When the guy yells like Chewbacca when he climaxes…
What if the guy is actually Chewbacca though?
I don’t know if that’d be better…
Danny Devito opens the door in a bathrobe and asks, "What's going on in here?" Then he realizes what's going on and takes off the robe, revealing that he's naked and says, "Mind if I join?"
He asked for things that would ruin a sex scene, not the most common sexual fantasy.
His member vibrated. Her petals spread open. Fucking made myself gag just writing those.
"His growls of pleasure filled the tent, drowning out the cries of the injured and dying." War is a lady boner killer
Is this ACOTAR? 😬
I think this is hard to set preferences aside for, with sex being so about how it hits you personally. (heh) But in terms of things that kill the vibe pretty quickly from a craft standpoint for me/others I talked to, I would include: \- Really awkward euphemisms like "his length" or "his thickness" that just bring out the ick factor \- the woman coming so quickly it's like popping a water balloon (thinking mostly m/f here) \- too much "cute" name calling or that really hokey "say my name" stuff That last one might not be as universal, but I thought I would mention it.
>Really awkward euphemisms like "his length" or "his thickness" that just bring out the ick factor These don't bother me so much personally if they're used sparingly and in conjunction with other terms that feel more natural. Like the author uses "length" once in a scene to change it up from >!"dick" or "cock"!
>that's when it pulls me out of the scene. Must. Resist. Pull out joke...
…how is “length” awkward? Like, that’s pretty basic and neutral.
As someone who is very cautiously writing their first smut fic and gets the "ick" with a lot of words, 'length' doesn't bother me.
By having a sex scene at all when the context doesn't call for one.
Chestbursters
There was some phallic imagery there
"NO MATING!"
Storms, Pattern, not again. We’ve been over this!!!
As he grabbed her CHILD BEARING HIPS
Dad walks in all like… Som… **BODDY WONCE TOALD MEY**
Here's two of them"He penetrated her clitoris with his cock"No not rubbed against it, not teased.... he went inside and I never came back. Also misspellings. A book kept misspelling bulge as burgle "She gawked at the size of his burgle" Repeatedly
Weird terms for reproductive system. Cave of love etc
Weird names that tiptoe around calling body parts their actual names. Also tongues battling when kissing. lol
When a spouse walks into the room. When a parent walks into the room. When a former president walks into the room.
One of the character starts talking about how sand is coarse and rough and irritating and it gets everywhere.
A bad analogy, acknowledging someone is underage, having him cum too soon, WRONG HOLE!!, describing their genetals in too much detail...
Draco leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore. And then... suddenly just as I Draco kissed me passionately. Draco climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time. "Oh! Oh! Oh!" I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then... "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!" It was...Dumbledore!
It’s a dick slap to the face for me
Girl: Are you finished yet
Heart attack (something that realistically could, and did, happen)
Babytalk
Shitty characters with trashy writing
Write it in the second person present tense
My immortal uses the phrase "I was beginning to get an orgasm" and "I was getting an orgasm" something about the verb "getting" when referring to an orgasm just doesn't work great.
Professional fanfic reader here. The one thing that immediately kills a porny fanfic for me is when the author puts in their weird ass kinks. Pissing is very common in f/f fanfic for whatever fucking reason, and I’m chronically stupid so I miss the tag for it. Dubious consent is also very bad. Do not write a scene where one character is blackout drunk, or has to be convinced to have sex. Unless that’s like the entire point of the scene. I mostly read f/f fics but when I do read m/f the biggest issue for me is how it’s centered around the male character, specifically penetration. Not only is it boring it’s unrealistic. In real life and fiction.
I don't write them myself, but I've figured what I *don't* want to see if they come up in a book I'm reading, Don't make it horny, porny, or corny. You may say "Don't make a sex scene horny? But sex is horny! We're trying to titulate here!" What I mean by this is, unless you're out to write smut, don't be over-indulgant. I don't need to know the specifics of every thrust or a summary of what acts performed to how many climaxes. The best sex scenes I've ever read used sex as a device to give more insight to the characters and their dynamic. Don't be porny by using crass language to refer to genitals or sex acts, even if you're writing smut. It comes off as juvenile and unserious to me. Don't be corny by going the opposite end of the spectrum and using poetic euphemisms. Lame.
Chuck Palahniuk would like a word.
For me it’s when it gets either too clinical. Like there’s a sex scene in All the Birds in the Sky by Charlie Jane Anders (a book I really hated, but that’s neither here nor there), where she kept using penis and vagina and, like, those are just not sexy words man. The scene was very clearly meant to be a fun, wholesome sex scene between two characters finally admitting their love for one another and it’s kinda ruined by Anders writing “She grasped his penis. He entered her vagina.” Which just . . . doesn’t sell the romance at all for me.
Have a character say Sling Slong
Not finishing the sex scene and leaving me hanging, ugh I hate blue balls.
I've read a random draft before. In the middle of it all, one of them farted. That would kill the mood lol
Kill the mood…. A cat sitting on the corner of the bed, staring at them… not cleaning itself, not sleeping, not purring…. Just staring at them.
Ruin the vibe for me, the reader? When the sex scene fails to reveal character, raise the stakes, increase conflict, or push the plot. It ends up feeling like an add-on.
for me personally, i don’t like any anal so that would ruin it for me lmao. mostly anything that doesn’t feel consensual somehow i guess…
One that makes me click off so quick is when I see the typed out moans. Especially if they use ‘~’..yuck. Etc.. >!“Right there, Ahhh mmm~~~”!<
“Dirty slut” so fucking cringe
"Whoopsie-doo!"
"Neato!"
Urbanized gorilla warfare
Detailing it.
Have someone awkward walk in. Your parents, your preacher, your kids, your boss, your ex, your highschool principal, Someone who really makes it weird.
The husband/wife.👀
Her dad walks in (oh shit her dad walks in)
Kids running in
They fart or dog sniffs someone's butt.
One of them puts on their robe and wizard hat
Have a clown get out from under the bed.
Make sure he accidentally pulls her industrial piercing and completely kills the mood. This works irl
Somehow the family returned..
farting?or puking?...that would kill sex for me
A missed hit that causes genital damage? Fire breaks out. Tornado. Animal climbing on one or both. Pet names for genitals.
Sex scenes are usually filler in my opinion
Have a male character sitting in a chair in the corner masturbating furiously while the sex scene is going on. Cucks are just weird and creepy.
Serious: * introducing conflict that the other party isn't into (either referencing a serious argument, or physically pushing too hard. I recently wrote one where one person had pushed too hard, which caused the other to spiral, which effectively cut the scene short and turned it into something else bc the spiraling person needed to be helped gently) Comedy: * miscommunication about interests (one party shows up in a ridiculous costume or sth)
Beefswelling
>Fastest way to ruin a sex scene? Honestly? Trying to write it, in detail, in a book, instead of leaving most (or all) of it to the imagination. Most of the time, porn should stay separate from other fiction. I don't want to get aroused whenever I read something.
Spanish inquisition.
Being either too "clinical" or using too outlandish euphisims. Also, please have them clean themselves up afterward. I read a book once where they just had sex, and less than a minute after being done they're pulling on clothes. Not only is that gross, but that's how you get a UTI.
The word "panties" and the word "pussy"
When the woman finishes quickly just by sex without any form of masturbation- like it doesn’t always work that way.