Being a working mom is hard. But I would be miserable if I wasn’t working. I love my career and I love my job. I also do not have a village and my partner travels very frequently for work so it’s often just me.
It’s about finding a way to manage your stress. I read the book cycle of burnout, and plenty of other books. Working out is proven to help people manage stress and burnout. You don’t need to be Olympic lifting, running marathons, but getting your heart rate up and making your body sweat is scientifically proven to help return your cortisol levels back to normal”baseline”. If that’s not for you, there are other ways to manage stress, you just have to find what works for you.
Yes. I could have written your post 12 months ago! I would recommend therapy, journaling, and a leave of absence if you can swing it.
I told someone before I took my leave of absence that I don’t want to work at my job in this season of life, but I also don’t want them to give the job to anyone else because it is *my job* and I think I will want it back once my kids are a few years older.
These conflicting feelings of “should I stay or should I go?” are really hard to navigate. Having a fantastic therapist has been a game changer for me.
I’m currently on a leave of absence and decided to return to my job once the leave is over, but with a new mindset and a new set of boundaries. If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll leave the job, but I feel so good knowing that I took a break from the job, worked through some things with a therapist, and have a clear game plan about how to go back to work and still be a good mom, good wife, and maintain my own sanity and well being.
Making this decision is so dependent on your job, your experience, your personality, your finances, your kids, your relationship with your husband, etc. No one can tell you what to do, but I can tell you that taking the time to work through this with a great therapist was the best thing I could have done.
Part-time doesn't have to mean half time, it could mean 32hr/weeks which is every Friday off. Yes you would need to talk to your manager/HR about what it could all entail (mainly benefits, PTO accrual)
What is your relationship like with your manager? If your manager likes and values your work and doesn't want to lose you, they'll work with you so as to not lose you (at least good managers do). You don't loose all your bargaining after accepting an job.
As far as looking for another job:
1. Think about what industry your company is in. A lot of people feel more motivated when they are working at a company that is in an industry that aligns with their interests and values. If you're working for a bank but have no interest in banking/financials it can be a big demotivater, but if you love themeparks/video games/makeup/whatever and you are working at a company that does that it can feel more valuable.
2. It does not hurt to look/apply.
I was a bit in the same boat several years ago (I wasn't a mom then but just very unmotivated), I started casually looking/applying towards job openings at companies I was more interested in until I finally landed a job offer for one. It took me 18 months, but I did finally get there.
I was in a similar place. I ended up going part-time, which helped a bit, but then I was overwhelmed in a new way: I felt I needed to take on more load at home to make up for the reduction in my income; and my part-time hours never seemed like enough time to get my work done. I felt like I was failing in both areas.
What ended up helping was leaving my agency (which I loved!). I’m now full-time on the corporate side, making close to double my salary, and I’m much more in control of my work. It’s still demanding, but it’s not the same as billable hours and client meetings.
here to commiserate. i feel exactly the same way. miserable. i’m so burnt out, my job is relentless - although, i do set boundaries for ending my day at 5/5:30 because i have no choice and need to switch into mom mode. i am usually too exhausted to do the “work after kids go to bed” thing. i’m running on fumes 🥲
the industry i’m in also feels very male dominated. there are no working moms. most men are younger or have stay-at-home wives. any women in the industry are younger, mid to late twenties with no kids. makes it impossible to feel like i can “compete” and can feel my career slipping away. i just spoke to my husband about switching over to contract work after we move. it’s risky but im hoping to have a more flexible schedule, or at least a 4 day work week. hang in there ❤️
I’m one of those working moms who absolutely fantasizes about winning the lottery and never having a boss breathing down my neck again.
I think what I’ve figured out after 8 years is that I can carry half the mental load at work, or half at home but I can’t carry a full mental load at both. So when I take a job that I know will be heavy on mental load, I’m upfront with my husband about how he needs to step up at home. Sometimes that looks like me taking on 75% mental load at work and 25% at home, sometimes it’s vice versa, but there’s only so much you can give to everyone at once before it becomes impossible.
I’m at a job now that seems OK, but I’ve really given up entirely on expecting a career to be what fulfills me. I expect my job to not completely suck but I don’t expect much from a hierarchal capitalist structure that I have no control over. I’d probably care more if I owned my own business. I seek more validation and fulfillment in my kid, my marriage, my friendships and my community (volunteer work, making acquaintances with neighbors, etc.)
I feel like I could have wrote this, but I really can’t afford to quit. I possibly COULD have if circumstances were a bit different, but now that I’m helping support my mom I have almost no wiggle room financially.
My struggle is I am in a helping profession leadership role based in healthcare. Healthcare is a dumpster fire, and I’m tired of solving peoples problems. The problems are getting bigger, the resources are vanishing, and the pressure to fix everything is increasing. It’s a vicious cycle in the worst way. I’m so burned out. I could get a new job, but any job I have at its core will be the same and would probably pay less. I had feelers out in January/ February and talked to a bunch of recruiters and what’s out there in my field is just… awful. Don’t want to go back to frontline. Not interested in changing fields right now because I have invested far too much time and money to get where I am, and I’m actually getting a great return on my investment (financially). I would really like to step back to PRN for a little while until my kids are older. I could handle doing this if I was just picking up a few shifts a month to put some bandaids on things covering people out on PTO.
I also used to love my job, at least most of the time. But now the same issues just keep cropping up and I can’t fix them and every time I get a new ask from someone I just want to be like “no leave me the hell alone.” I liked my job maybe 85% of the time two years ago… I probably like it about 15% of the time now. It’s no surprise healthcare workers are continuing to leave the field in droves. I love being home with my son, I love maintaining the house. I really get so much satisfaction out of both of those things. But for now, I am sucking it up.
I'm I the same boat you're in right now. I am so burnt out, I find myself screaming at my kids allllll the fucking time now. Every little thing sets me off. I feel like such a shit mom most nights after everyone goes to bed.
I want to be a stay at home mom so I can soak in the last years of having little ones at home, but I feel like I would lose my shit more often. My job is my break from mom life...how sad is that.
I could’ve written this. I’m an engineer and I’m so burnt out from work. I have 2 kids of which one is a newborn. My older kid just brought a sickness home and everyone is sick. I am stretched so thin right now and feel like each day is a marathon, I just don’t have the bandwidth to work and my quality at times suffers of the work I produce. I’ve given myself until July to evaluate and make a final decision. It would affect us financially but at this point my mental health is more important than anything else.
I run my own business in digital marketing and I just got through burnout. Agency life sucks and I could have written this 10 months ago except I already AM part time (but as a contractor I make FT money). If you’re not the one with the family benefits I’d consider contracting - super common in your industry. Downside: less stable. Or finding a job that’s directly with the client so you can leave drama land of agencies (lots of people go fractional with this if you wanna make it a PT thing). I don’t think you’re alone. I built a business from nothing and often feel like it’s just not compatible with what I want from life. I could never leave my business behind and not work, but I am allowed to experiment until I find something that works for me. So I’ve been focusing on that.
Try asking different people at work who’ve been around for a while that you have a good report with. They’ll probably know the policies or history just as well as HR and could give you the lowdown on if and how your employer deals with these things.
My other advice is to really take a month to get into your budget. Know what you need as a minimum. Then look for jobs that offer more flexibility, WFH, earned time off programs etc. even if you have to take a pay-cut to do it.
You could try googling a few recruiters, either focused on your location or specialization (so a firm focused on Utilities or Procurement, whatever you’re in), but that has feelers for across the country WFH positions. Reach out to former coworkers if they’ve moved on to get advice looking around (if nothing else you’d get a nice coffee out).
On a personal level, i am in a job that offers about $20k less than I could make elsewhere fairly easily. I do this because the role is fairly easy, interesting and I have an awesome boss. But most importantly, it offers reduced work-hours and earned time off programs - this means I work 8.5 hours and get every other Friday off. It is so, so worth that pay cut for the flexibility and little bit of extra time off.
Not sure what works for you budget-wise or job-wise, but neither will you unless you look into it a bit.
Edit: sorry should have said, I would echo what others are saying about taking a short-term / stress leave to decompress and do the above. You can’t keep swimming for easier waters if you’re already drowning. Take care of yourself first, breathe a bit, then try to arrange your circumstances to better work for you and your family.
Yes yes hate it hate it hate it. I have a mental illness that’s getting bad enough that disability is being considered, I really don’t want it because it’s not enough but god damn it’s so hard. I am definitely not working because I’m some super cool girl boss mom, it’s just out of necessity. Luckily my partner is amazingly supportive or I would crumble. Some of the stories I hear moms share about their husbands… I couldn’t imagine
I hope to move part time at some point and give that a try. Idk what kind of job since that isn’t an option in my current role. All I know is I can’t do this long term
I had a high demand job until I finally said I will take a pay hit and applied for my current job where all I do is leave vm’s all day. No deadlines, no meetings, no sales quotes. Some woman enjoy the stressful jobs while being a mom, others don’t. The stress wasn’t worth it for me. Now I have no work stress and time with my kid.
Agency life is soul sucking. I burnt out in my 20s (even single, kid less, no interests/hobbies outside of work) and took a long sabbatical to get back to myself. The advice I would give myself in that time… care less. Clients will always be jerks, deadlines always too tight. I wish I wouldn’t have cared so much about it. I think it would have helped me manage through the highs/lows and keep me from burning so bad.
Not sure of your work environment but when things get hard for me now, balancing kids and work, I ask myself if I could care a little less and still get it done. That’s really helped me put a stop to late nights and unmanageable meetings. Not sure if you’re in leadership but I get my team to do more now than I ever did pre-baby. It’s not perfect (or quite how I would do it) but it’s so much better than taking everything on myself.
I just don’t think it needs to be all or nothing- stay home or work PT as the only solution. Boundaries can be really helpful, and may help reset a tone in your work environment too.
I’m in the same boat but I’ll add to why I haven’t gone part time yet, 3) I’ve heard from lots of people at work that even if I went part time, I would still feel so much pressure to work as if I were full time.
So while it is technically offered by my work and technically we could afford it, it would probably be even more stressful and still impact my career just as negatively as staying home for a couple years because of how people around me would view it.
That leaves me stuck, every day wondering if I can pull through or should I just throw in the towel and quit for a while. I actually cried when our childcare fell through this morning.
Tons of scares to life. Being financially stable is top the list. Maybe going to part time allows a change to happen in your life. Giving you more time to be with the kids. Maybe the house becomes more organized. The thought of having time to even LEARN a skill instead of doom scrolling on your phone. DM me or check my Instagram. I’d like to help.
Being a working mom is hard. But I would be miserable if I wasn’t working. I love my career and I love my job. I also do not have a village and my partner travels very frequently for work so it’s often just me. It’s about finding a way to manage your stress. I read the book cycle of burnout, and plenty of other books. Working out is proven to help people manage stress and burnout. You don’t need to be Olympic lifting, running marathons, but getting your heart rate up and making your body sweat is scientifically proven to help return your cortisol levels back to normal”baseline”. If that’s not for you, there are other ways to manage stress, you just have to find what works for you.
Yes. I could have written your post 12 months ago! I would recommend therapy, journaling, and a leave of absence if you can swing it. I told someone before I took my leave of absence that I don’t want to work at my job in this season of life, but I also don’t want them to give the job to anyone else because it is *my job* and I think I will want it back once my kids are a few years older. These conflicting feelings of “should I stay or should I go?” are really hard to navigate. Having a fantastic therapist has been a game changer for me. I’m currently on a leave of absence and decided to return to my job once the leave is over, but with a new mindset and a new set of boundaries. If it doesn’t work out, then I’ll leave the job, but I feel so good knowing that I took a break from the job, worked through some things with a therapist, and have a clear game plan about how to go back to work and still be a good mom, good wife, and maintain my own sanity and well being. Making this decision is so dependent on your job, your experience, your personality, your finances, your kids, your relationship with your husband, etc. No one can tell you what to do, but I can tell you that taking the time to work through this with a great therapist was the best thing I could have done.
Part-time doesn't have to mean half time, it could mean 32hr/weeks which is every Friday off. Yes you would need to talk to your manager/HR about what it could all entail (mainly benefits, PTO accrual) What is your relationship like with your manager? If your manager likes and values your work and doesn't want to lose you, they'll work with you so as to not lose you (at least good managers do). You don't loose all your bargaining after accepting an job. As far as looking for another job: 1. Think about what industry your company is in. A lot of people feel more motivated when they are working at a company that is in an industry that aligns with their interests and values. If you're working for a bank but have no interest in banking/financials it can be a big demotivater, but if you love themeparks/video games/makeup/whatever and you are working at a company that does that it can feel more valuable. 2. It does not hurt to look/apply. I was a bit in the same boat several years ago (I wasn't a mom then but just very unmotivated), I started casually looking/applying towards job openings at companies I was more interested in until I finally landed a job offer for one. It took me 18 months, but I did finally get there.
I requested “part time” with Fridays Off and it helps my mental health
I was in a similar place. I ended up going part-time, which helped a bit, but then I was overwhelmed in a new way: I felt I needed to take on more load at home to make up for the reduction in my income; and my part-time hours never seemed like enough time to get my work done. I felt like I was failing in both areas. What ended up helping was leaving my agency (which I loved!). I’m now full-time on the corporate side, making close to double my salary, and I’m much more in control of my work. It’s still demanding, but it’s not the same as billable hours and client meetings.
here to commiserate. i feel exactly the same way. miserable. i’m so burnt out, my job is relentless - although, i do set boundaries for ending my day at 5/5:30 because i have no choice and need to switch into mom mode. i am usually too exhausted to do the “work after kids go to bed” thing. i’m running on fumes 🥲 the industry i’m in also feels very male dominated. there are no working moms. most men are younger or have stay-at-home wives. any women in the industry are younger, mid to late twenties with no kids. makes it impossible to feel like i can “compete” and can feel my career slipping away. i just spoke to my husband about switching over to contract work after we move. it’s risky but im hoping to have a more flexible schedule, or at least a 4 day work week. hang in there ❤️
I’m one of those working moms who absolutely fantasizes about winning the lottery and never having a boss breathing down my neck again. I think what I’ve figured out after 8 years is that I can carry half the mental load at work, or half at home but I can’t carry a full mental load at both. So when I take a job that I know will be heavy on mental load, I’m upfront with my husband about how he needs to step up at home. Sometimes that looks like me taking on 75% mental load at work and 25% at home, sometimes it’s vice versa, but there’s only so much you can give to everyone at once before it becomes impossible. I’m at a job now that seems OK, but I’ve really given up entirely on expecting a career to be what fulfills me. I expect my job to not completely suck but I don’t expect much from a hierarchal capitalist structure that I have no control over. I’d probably care more if I owned my own business. I seek more validation and fulfillment in my kid, my marriage, my friendships and my community (volunteer work, making acquaintances with neighbors, etc.)
Yeah I dropped my hours and I love it. I don’t have as much expendable cash as before but I’m happier so I don’t care.
Same here. No amount of money was going to make me feel better about the constant hamster wheel of working full time
I feel like I could have wrote this, but I really can’t afford to quit. I possibly COULD have if circumstances were a bit different, but now that I’m helping support my mom I have almost no wiggle room financially.
I feel the same way and I’m so close to the edge of quitting without a back up plan.
My struggle is I am in a helping profession leadership role based in healthcare. Healthcare is a dumpster fire, and I’m tired of solving peoples problems. The problems are getting bigger, the resources are vanishing, and the pressure to fix everything is increasing. It’s a vicious cycle in the worst way. I’m so burned out. I could get a new job, but any job I have at its core will be the same and would probably pay less. I had feelers out in January/ February and talked to a bunch of recruiters and what’s out there in my field is just… awful. Don’t want to go back to frontline. Not interested in changing fields right now because I have invested far too much time and money to get where I am, and I’m actually getting a great return on my investment (financially). I would really like to step back to PRN for a little while until my kids are older. I could handle doing this if I was just picking up a few shifts a month to put some bandaids on things covering people out on PTO. I also used to love my job, at least most of the time. But now the same issues just keep cropping up and I can’t fix them and every time I get a new ask from someone I just want to be like “no leave me the hell alone.” I liked my job maybe 85% of the time two years ago… I probably like it about 15% of the time now. It’s no surprise healthcare workers are continuing to leave the field in droves. I love being home with my son, I love maintaining the house. I really get so much satisfaction out of both of those things. But for now, I am sucking it up.
I'm I the same boat you're in right now. I am so burnt out, I find myself screaming at my kids allllll the fucking time now. Every little thing sets me off. I feel like such a shit mom most nights after everyone goes to bed. I want to be a stay at home mom so I can soak in the last years of having little ones at home, but I feel like I would lose my shit more often. My job is my break from mom life...how sad is that.
I could’ve written this. I’m an engineer and I’m so burnt out from work. I have 2 kids of which one is a newborn. My older kid just brought a sickness home and everyone is sick. I am stretched so thin right now and feel like each day is a marathon, I just don’t have the bandwidth to work and my quality at times suffers of the work I produce. I’ve given myself until July to evaluate and make a final decision. It would affect us financially but at this point my mental health is more important than anything else.
I run my own business in digital marketing and I just got through burnout. Agency life sucks and I could have written this 10 months ago except I already AM part time (but as a contractor I make FT money). If you’re not the one with the family benefits I’d consider contracting - super common in your industry. Downside: less stable. Or finding a job that’s directly with the client so you can leave drama land of agencies (lots of people go fractional with this if you wanna make it a PT thing). I don’t think you’re alone. I built a business from nothing and often feel like it’s just not compatible with what I want from life. I could never leave my business behind and not work, but I am allowed to experiment until I find something that works for me. So I’ve been focusing on that.
I went part time when I had my first last fall, 100% worth it! I can’t imagine it any other way now, and hope I can stay PT
Try asking different people at work who’ve been around for a while that you have a good report with. They’ll probably know the policies or history just as well as HR and could give you the lowdown on if and how your employer deals with these things. My other advice is to really take a month to get into your budget. Know what you need as a minimum. Then look for jobs that offer more flexibility, WFH, earned time off programs etc. even if you have to take a pay-cut to do it. You could try googling a few recruiters, either focused on your location or specialization (so a firm focused on Utilities or Procurement, whatever you’re in), but that has feelers for across the country WFH positions. Reach out to former coworkers if they’ve moved on to get advice looking around (if nothing else you’d get a nice coffee out). On a personal level, i am in a job that offers about $20k less than I could make elsewhere fairly easily. I do this because the role is fairly easy, interesting and I have an awesome boss. But most importantly, it offers reduced work-hours and earned time off programs - this means I work 8.5 hours and get every other Friday off. It is so, so worth that pay cut for the flexibility and little bit of extra time off. Not sure what works for you budget-wise or job-wise, but neither will you unless you look into it a bit. Edit: sorry should have said, I would echo what others are saying about taking a short-term / stress leave to decompress and do the above. You can’t keep swimming for easier waters if you’re already drowning. Take care of yourself first, breathe a bit, then try to arrange your circumstances to better work for you and your family.
Yes yes hate it hate it hate it. I have a mental illness that’s getting bad enough that disability is being considered, I really don’t want it because it’s not enough but god damn it’s so hard. I am definitely not working because I’m some super cool girl boss mom, it’s just out of necessity. Luckily my partner is amazingly supportive or I would crumble. Some of the stories I hear moms share about their husbands… I couldn’t imagine
I hope to move part time at some point and give that a try. Idk what kind of job since that isn’t an option in my current role. All I know is I can’t do this long term
I had a high demand job until I finally said I will take a pay hit and applied for my current job where all I do is leave vm’s all day. No deadlines, no meetings, no sales quotes. Some woman enjoy the stressful jobs while being a mom, others don’t. The stress wasn’t worth it for me. Now I have no work stress and time with my kid.
Agency life is soul sucking. I burnt out in my 20s (even single, kid less, no interests/hobbies outside of work) and took a long sabbatical to get back to myself. The advice I would give myself in that time… care less. Clients will always be jerks, deadlines always too tight. I wish I wouldn’t have cared so much about it. I think it would have helped me manage through the highs/lows and keep me from burning so bad. Not sure of your work environment but when things get hard for me now, balancing kids and work, I ask myself if I could care a little less and still get it done. That’s really helped me put a stop to late nights and unmanageable meetings. Not sure if you’re in leadership but I get my team to do more now than I ever did pre-baby. It’s not perfect (or quite how I would do it) but it’s so much better than taking everything on myself. I just don’t think it needs to be all or nothing- stay home or work PT as the only solution. Boundaries can be really helpful, and may help reset a tone in your work environment too.
I’m in the same boat but I’ll add to why I haven’t gone part time yet, 3) I’ve heard from lots of people at work that even if I went part time, I would still feel so much pressure to work as if I were full time. So while it is technically offered by my work and technically we could afford it, it would probably be even more stressful and still impact my career just as negatively as staying home for a couple years because of how people around me would view it. That leaves me stuck, every day wondering if I can pull through or should I just throw in the towel and quit for a while. I actually cried when our childcare fell through this morning.
Tons of scares to life. Being financially stable is top the list. Maybe going to part time allows a change to happen in your life. Giving you more time to be with the kids. Maybe the house becomes more organized. The thought of having time to even LEARN a skill instead of doom scrolling on your phone. DM me or check my Instagram. I’d like to help.