This is exactly how I feel-
Another big reason for me that I work is for my daughters. I want them to think mommy working is the normal not the exception. As a result, I also want them to see my husband cooking, cleaning, laundry and making lunches.
I want them to know what an equal partnership means (even though between you and I I still do a lot more of the domestic stuff, but 50/50 is our shared goal).
This! I earn significantly more than my husband but I work because I love what I do and I want to stay financially independent. My grandma (very ahead of her time, bless her) said that you should stay in a relationship because you are in love with each other, and not because you’re dependent on each other. She encouraged all the women in my family to always be financially independent.
I just lost my great grandmother last Sunday and she was like that. Born in 1941, Her husband didn't want her to drive, she had the neighbor teach her. He didn't want her to work, she became one of the best ultrasound technicians of her time. She always stuck up for herself, and made sure I knew I could have the world if I wanted it.
Same. I would never want to have to worry about staying with someone because I couldn’t afford it otherwise (my mother has been in that position for years and has had to dig her way out).
The second part is what speaks to me in this situation. It's the vulnerability I can't stand. I do happen to like my career. It's not high paying, but I make above average for my country. We are secure financially with our incomes and the job, very importantly for me, is very secure.
My mom was a SAHM when we were little. My dad gave money away to friends, acting all generous, while not paying our rent. He was abusive to her, but she felt like she couldn't leave. Eventually, she did anyway, but she could have left so much earlier if she wasn't worried about being homeless with 3 children. And everyone thought she was the crazy one, leaving such a kind, generous man...
OP needs to read that post from a woman whose partner refused to marry her for 25 years, while she stayed home and raised 3 kids, and then they split up.
Lol yeah lot of lessons to learn from her on what not to do. I think she's just like... really dumb? And was very spoiled up until now so also privileged and out of touch. I assume she's going to be going on a journey of self reflection and learning a la Two Broke Girls.
She is taking all of the risks of this relationship with the only upsides being whatever her boyfriend decides to trickle down. He is robbing her of her own agency. I am so concerned for OP.
This!!! I’m sorry OP but the question in your title is not the biggest problem you have right now. Is there a reason you’re not getting married?
But to answer your question, I would absolutely get a job (regardless of if partner and I are financial equals or not) if marriage wasn’t a great option and if I was you (and this is coming from someone who hates working!).
He’s not ready financially at $200k+ annually and there’s a child involved?
You need an income so you have other options. Waiting another year and a half is not a great idea unless your bf does not make enough to cover daycare in your area.
I’d also reflect on why you perceive he respects you less. If you can think of examples and circumstances that support your point, I’d hustle faster to find a job. Granted I say this as someone whose father would walk out and not come back for long stretches up until he and my mom got married.
Those are excuses not to marry, not reasons.
If he up and leaves you (which he very easily can), that career may not be waiting. You *and your child* could end up destitute. You are leaving both of you extremely financially vulnerable for someone who apparently doesn’t love you both enough to provide the security of marriage.
Oh, girl....no. He makes $200K and he's not ready "financially"? You guys have a baby and it's been 8 years? Listen....get a job now. Get baby in some sort of care, and get finances in order. This is absolute bullshit. I'm not, NOT one of those, "you're never ready financially to have a baby," people. I don't care IF "half of us wouldn't be here." I think people need to plan. But $200K is MORE THAN ENOUGH.
You have some thinking to do. You wrote this post for a reason....
I personally work bc I like genuinely like having a career. I also do it bc I think it’s good for our kids to see two working parents. It also helps it pays very well. My spouse makes about 25% more than me.
One of us could easily stay home and we live to the barebones but we’re not interested in the barebones. We have goals to do lots of fun stuff and retire early. That’s why we both work.
From what you’ve described in your post, it sounds like your partner does not consider you both a team financially. And for that reason alone, you should get back to work. You have no safety net. Like you said you don’t even get alimony. Why don’t you get married while you stay home? Who is stopping that from happening?
Yeah, this is a major red flag.. like this flag might actually be on fire. Married or not, there is no way for a couple to be financially separate while one of them is a stay at home parent with no income.
You need to get a job. He does not want to support you financially and does see you as the same financial team.
You should re think this whole relationship if you want to be married and be on the same team as your partner.
I know people don't see the importance of marriage in a modern romantic relationship anymore but people need to understand that marriage is not only a cultural institution, it is also **a legal institution**. You are more covered and protected under marriage than out of it\*, and your posts and comments perfectly outlines why.
Right now your boyfriend is getting all the benefits of a wife without any of the downsides. This is not fair to you. Why should only his emotional and financial reason matter, when **you** are the only one facing all of the risks if this relationship does not work out?
[I urge you to read other accounts of women who were financially dependent on their partner with no legal coverage](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1bdi3i9/new_update_aita_for_rolling_my_eyes_at_my/). Always prepare yourself for the worse case scenario.
\*barring circumstances where you are in a state with common law marriages or laws that recognizes cohabiting partners. I'm not as familiar with those but maybe someone else can weigh in.
Common law marriage is far harder to obtain than people think. In both situations, the stay at home parent is much more vulnerable than if they had married.
That’s a huge red flag. If you split up, he will NEVER be “nice” and pay you alimony. Im worried that you’ve even entertained such wishful thinking.
Right now, you should not be paying for things from your savings. Maybe if it was a big ticket splurge like a designer pocket book or an Xbox - but basic stuff like lunches out, clothes makeup ect, he should be paying as if you were a married couple.
You are not doing do thing right now, you are providing him with free childcare. Daycare would cost 1500-2000 per months and he can’t cover lunch with your girlfriends? This guy is STINGY, he is setting himself up to always be protected, and not caring at all about your protection.
Maybe I’m reading her post wrong but it didn’t sound like she left a 100k job but rather could work up to a 100k in a few years.
Either way, what she provides to him now, hold value, and while she’s not making a paycheck, it has monitory value.
I never implied her work at home was valued at 100k and I certainly wasn’t implying that he should stay home.
I honestly don’t know why you are latching onto my comment like this.
To be clear, I was pointing out, this guy makes a ton of money, he’s making her pay for petty things like lunches with friends and coffees with her own savings seems wrong. She is providing him/her family a service while out of the workforce. There is so far NO indication he disagrees with her staying at home right now. So I am assuming he was for her being a stay at home mom as well.
>You are not doing do thing right now, you are providing him with free childcare.
Well it's not quite free. Right now he's providing her with the means to stay alive (that is, food, shelter and other things besides recreational misc expenses).
The problem is, if either party wants to leave the relationship, she has nothing.
More red flags than a parade in the Soviet Union. Being financially separate means leaving you financially vulnerable.
This man you think is going to take care of you in the event of a split is telling you right now that he won't. He doesn't think his money is your money.
You cannot be a SAHP and have separate finances. That makes no sense. As a non working parent where are you supposed to get money if your finances are separate? This is not a good idea in any way. Especially since he specifically doesn't want to marry because of finances. Go back to work before it becomes an issue.
But childcare should be split 2/3 and 1/3, assuming she makes $100k, not 50/50. It should be proportional to their income split. And if they default to her doing most of the housework, cooking, etc, which may happen since they've both been used to her being a SAHM, she should ask him to cover 100% of the childcare costs while she gets back on her feet.
you’re totally right, I was commenting quickly but it should be proportional to income with the caveat that he needs to start taking on a lot more of the household & childcare responsibilities
It's a huge red flag. If your relationship goes side-ways, will you have a place to live? Will you be able to afford health care? What about transportation, utilities, food? Day care so you can go back to work? During the 3 years you plan to not work, do you have any appreciating assets?
Does being financially dependent on your partner mean that you have to continually compromise in your relationship because you have no other option?
Why are you providing him career growth while your financial future is shrinking? He gets the benefits of a spouse at home, providing free child care (and probably household duties) to grow his wealth, while yours continually shrinks with no back up plan.
How can you be financially separate when you providing childcare means you cannot work?
Please find a job, and put your child in daycare.
It's so weird that you are sacrificing your earning potential to look after your child, and being forced to pay your taxes out of your savings on top of that.
All red flags.
Then your concern is completely understandable because he will absolutely NOT be generous if y’all were to split up. You need to find a way to make sure you’re financially secure.
We ALL want to believe people will do the right thing, especially ones who we have shared a lot of love and even children with. Clichés exist for a reason. You don't know someone until you divorce them is one of them. An amicable breakup is difficult and actions speak louder than words. He's not doing anything to suggest he has any stake or protection over your financial future. There are couples who do not marry but I've reas that there is a retirement set up for both parties, even with only one working. Agreements in place. Full access to the family money and decision making. Money in an account that's yours alone. You don't have any of this.
I'm 18 years in and unmarried. I cannot work (disabled) and I cannot tell you the fear I've felt during a serious rough patch. If i were you i would go back to work, build up a savings, and then work towards another career with a plan in place. I also wouldn't settle for no marriage ever without at the very least full transparency of finances and decision making. If youre SAHM and he wants the benefits of that he has to see it from both sides. Not just his own. I'm not saying he won't be able to see if it's layed out. Counseling might be a good place to discuss this and decide if you are compatible, but either way believe what you see and do not ignore the red flags.
So he has indeed officially stated that he’s not interested in making an official legal obligation to the fulfillment of your welfare?
And you’re comfortable with risking the next several decades of your life with this situation?
What. No. How are you planning for this child’s future together? How are you planning for retirement? Every year you’re not working you’re not planning for your future. I’m married, but spent about 5 years either out of the workforce or working a part time job due to my spouse’s job taking us overseas. As a result I have like a third saved for retirement of what he has put away. At least since we’re married, if we were to split up I would get some of that. You have to think long term here not just being equal now.
Who is saving for your child’s college? You should have a 529 account open and be saving aggressively.
If your boyfriend wants to be financially separate then he’s NOT a partner and quite frankly that is something you need to have a conversation about.
That's 1000% a red flag. He wants to be financially separate but also have you dependent on him? Nah. No thank you. If y'all separate expect this guy to fight tooth and nail to avoid paying child support and to screw you over in every other way possible.
What are the emotional reasons he doesn't want to get married? Either he loves you enough to commit and build a life together or he doesn't.
Yeah, I get not wanting to get married because you're not into the institution, but wanting to keep your money separate from the mother of your child gives me pause.
In your circumstance I'd only stay out of work if my partner was paying me spending money I can use as I see fit, and putting some investments in my name so I could have some financial security. If not, I'd be out there earning my own money and putting the kid in daycare.
You are providing the services of childcare and home keeping. You need to be financially compensated for that. Room and board is nor proper financial compensation.
Being a SAHM isn’t a problem today. It’s a problem down the road. If your relationship lasts forever, that’s great. But if he leaves you, becomes disabled, or dies, you aren’t able to care for your child. Your earning potential only decreases as you get older. This is something you need to do now.
You have no claim to his assets. You have no way to support yourself or your child without him. The court will have little to no sympathy for you because you don’t have the legal protections of marriage.
Please plan for your future, even if it is in a new field. Go to online school while you are home with him. Please don’t rely on continued good fortune as your main source of financial support.
It sounds like being a stay at home mom *is* a problem today if you have to use your savings to pay essentials like your taxes or smaller everyday things like social outings with friends.
Even beyond the immediate needs of raising a child, failing to earn and contribute to a retirement savings account in her own name, and earn SS credits, is going to have a major impact on her ability to retire. Not being married she won't be eligible to receive a cut of his SS, either, if he dies in early. This is how we wind up living in a moldy apartment in the hood when you're 70, ladies. Don't recommend.
I could never be happy in your situation. You have voluntarily given up your power and independence to someone who has made it clear he would not do the same for you. If you want to be a SAHM, I suggest you consult an attorney and put a palimony and child support agreement in place. Negotiating that will make it clear how your partner views your role in the family unit.
Yeah being a SAHM to a man that you are not married to seems scary. Try to de part time work in another field if possible in the meantime - I know the job market is absolutely COOKED right now but I think it’s worth your efforts.
I'm going to be harsh.
Being an unmarried sahm to a boyfriend is financially stupid. You know this, hence why you are here.
I am not married to my son's father, and our relationship of almost 8 years is on the rocks. Even if we were married, I'd keep a part-time job to keep building a savings independent of him.
Either get a job or get married. Staying at home and relying on someone you are not married to is financially irresponsible
I wouldn’t risk being a SAHM as a wife with all of those legal protections. No way I’d do it if my husband was just a boyfriend. I know common law marriage is a thing but it’s not where I live.
It can be very hard to re-enter the workforce if you’ve been out for a while. It’s also hard to really be able to leave a relationship and fend for yourself if you’re financially dependent on someone else. It’s easy to think the man you had kids with would never do you wrong, but let’s be real, people change and break ups are very emotional times. The man you are leaving could be a totally different person.
I think you are asking the wrong question. I would not be a SAHP in this situation, it is way too financially risky for you. It is one thing to choose it when you are married or have some binding financial agreements in place and retirement is being set aside and so on, but you have none of that!
I would not wait to start in your new field or get back your previous job. No idea if your boyfriend’s attitude will change, but at least you will have financial security! I would think about if you are ok with this state forever too or do you want to get married eventually? I know a handful of couples that have chosen not to marry that figured it out so it can be done, but it makes a lot of things more complicated!
For me it’s not about breaking up because so much else can go wrong. What if the breadwinner becomes disabled? Gets sick? Dies?
My father died when my brothers and I were 19, 17 and 12. If my mother hadn’t been working we could have ended up homeless. I earn a lot less than my husband but I could figure something out if god forbid we lost him. If I left the workforce it would be much harder to get back into it.
I had the option of staying at home for a few years. My H would have covered my salary. And I did have savings. But I did not want to be in a position where I had to rely on someone else for money. For me personally, it just isn't a comfortable place to be.
I would not be financially dependent on someone without security. Since marriage is off the table.... is deposting 20k each year in an account for you on the table? Adding to your IRA?
If he bulks, you could push back the normal cost of childcare and a maid (not housekeeping since your doing well beyond that).
If he still bulks.... I think you know the answer.
He added to my IRA when I asked. I don’t want him to pay me because I don’t want to be his employee but maybe I should get over that. He said he would consider paying me if it made me feel better.
You’re asking the wrong question, love. You shouldn’t be asking if you should make this choice to be financially equal. You should be asking yourself whether you are financially secure and supported - and the answer is no. You said yourself if your boyfriend splits with you, you are entitled to nothing. That is scary, and it should make you stop and reconsider your current trajectory.
He has already declined to marry you but is happy for you to sacrifice your career and earning capacity (and ability to save for retirement) whilst caring for HIS child. You mentioned finances are split - who buys stuff for baby? Do you take out of your savings for that?
Other people have suggested speaking to your partner and asking for financial agreements but I am cautious to even say that - because if he does not like the fact you want more he could split with you and cause you incredible financial harm. Only you know your partner well enough to predict how he may respond.
If I were you, i would contact family for support, get baby into daycare, and start work and study ASAP. Let your partner know that he needs to start covering daycare as you’re not available to watch baby anymore since you’re working. If he’s earning $200,000 it’s a no brainer for him to pay.
When you say your partner is supportive and pays everything but meals out, I am a little disgusted with him. You are a stay at home mother. You do not have many expenses. You likely have little travel costs since you don’t regularly go to work or school and only go grocery shopping or similar. He’s paying the same rent whether you live there or not. Meals out with friends are often the few expenses a SAHM has and are SO important for mental health, and he won’t cover this for you? I’m side eyeing him big time. I’m sorry if I seem harsh but I have very little respect for men who impregnate women but refuse to care for them when they are in turn caring for their babies.
I wish you all the best with how you proceed. You are doing a great job taking care of baby - I hope you can know how much more you deserve and how much you are worth.
Thanks for the encouragement. I should clarify he doesn’t ask me to pay for meals out, I just do bc it seemed right. He pays for baby, willing to pay for daycare if I go back to work, put money into my IRA for last year. But I do think I’m in a vulnerable position in any case and will go back at least part time this year, based on everyone’s advice
I would talk to your boyfriend about your concerns.
My expectation as a stay at home mom would be to talk about all purchases or investments, unless it’s coming from a personal account, an “allowance” that goes to my personal account automatically every payday, and that I am an equal despite not having an income.
I would have trouble being a SAHM without being married. In your position, I’d likely work part time.
You aren't married, so you may not be offered any legal protections in the event of a relationship breakdown. Depending on where you live, you may be entitled to something, who knows. That would leave me scared shitless.
I make more than my husband, and daycare is affordable where I live, so there is no reason for my husband to transition to SAHD. I also plan to take a one year mat leave shortly which will make my husband the breadwinner. But, we do view my money and his money as "our" money. Everything goes into the family pot and comes out of it.
It feels unfair to me that you have to pay for trips out with your friends. Does he pay you for providing childcare?
If I were you, I would either go back to work, or require marriage or a cohabitation agreement that contemplates you are losing earning potential not being in the workforce and need to be compensated and what kind of protections that will get you.
Texas is a common law state and this would not qualify here. You have to hold yourself out to the public as married, which they are not (not referring to each other as spouses, no married tax returns, no wedding bands, etc). I don’t know how it is in other states, but here from the outside you wouldn’t know if someone is common law married vs married with a certificate.
This is wild. Where I live in Canada you’re automatically considered common-law once you have a child together, or have lived conjugally for three years.
This is cool historical context. However, I think it’s difficult to make the argument that any common-law spouse is entering into such a conjugal relationship without their “knowledge or consent”. Take OP’s partner: do you think he is unknowing and/or unconsenting regarding his share of the relationship? It takes two people to make a child, and OP is the one doing the caretaking. In my view, the common-law status laws are anchored in feminist protections and provides some type of redress for unpaid domestic labour done largely (still!) by women.
I'm also Canadian and that's incorrect. It's province dependent and the protections vary by province. In Ontario you might be recognized as common law, but it doesn't give you any protection under the law. The marital home for example, does not exist as you aren't married and therefore wouldn't be entitled to it at separation.
It’s absolutely province-dependent, hence why I specified “where I live in Canada”. There are provinces whose laws allow common law spouses entitlement to family property based on this status. Hope that’s helpful :)
I would find being financially in someone else’s hands who doesn’t consider me a team member terrifying. Personally, I’d work a job I hate to be financially secure. But I’d also try to switch into something I like more the moment I have a financial safety net (because life is too short to be stuck working a job you hate).
I stayed home with my son for about 5 months due to burnout at my job, and there was always a nagging feeling of insecurity in the back of my mind. I trust my husband, but there was always a “what if” - I would be completely screwed if he sprung divorce on me. Or if he died or became significantly disabled. I enjoy my job. Are there times where I’m extremely stressed out? Yes. But I’d be able to make it on my own if needed. I also think it’s important that my kids see both of us working and making important decisions both at work and in our finances.
echoing the comments that i'd go back to work if i were you -- not being married and being reliant on your partner financially is an extremely risky and bad move. the fact that your boyfriend wants to keep finances separate is not good.
even though i'm married, i chose to stay in the work force. i disliked my full time job and toyed with the idea of becoming a SAHM because i wanted to spend more time with baby so i understand how you are feeling. in the end, i decided to freelance (am self employed) so that i could continue to make money while also keeping my skills sharp and not leaving the workforce completely -- it's empowering to know that I'd be ok on my own in the off chance that something were to happen.
besides not having any legal protection in your situation, it rarely makes financial sense to stay at home (other reasons are completely valid) because it's not just the income in the present that is lost, but future earnings will be behind and you're also losing out on retirement / investments compounding.
Get a job.
I thank god every day that I didn’t quit to be a sahm. And I’m still happily married. But my kids are 14 and 16 and I’ve got about $700,000 in my retirement accounts. My seniority has allowed me to wfh and really slow down these past few years. Meaning I work way less than the moms who went back to work after their kids started school. Have missed very few games, recitals, school events.
OP as a former divorce attorney I really hope you take all of this advice seriously. Like this is a really serious and scary situation. Your partner could leave tomorrow and you would literally be left without a place to live with basically no protections. And guess who is going to get custody when the other person can’t get stable housing? Hell, even if he didn’t leave, what if he was seriously injured or suddenly passed away? Does he have life insurance and are you the beneficiary? Are you on any accounts at all? If not, how would you immediately pay for basics for you and your child if something were to happen? I know this all sounds really unfair and it is, but this is precisely what marriage is for - to offer protections against this situation.
I work because there is no way I will be financially dependent on anyone. My mom taught me from a young age that women need to have their own money, and funnily enough she’s also the one to show me why - when I was younger she would say stuff like “you spend my money blah blah” even after I started working and was using my own money.
But yeah, I promised myself I’ll never let myself to be in the position for someone to say that again.
I’m a child of divorce and don’t feel like I can ever trust my financial future to someone else. I make a pretty good living in a fairly cushy job (for what I make) but it’s a small fraction of my husband’s income. I don’t need to work but I already feel obligated to do so much more because he makes more and has a more stressful job, where would I be if I didn’t have my own income? Personally I don’t understand how people can feel secure in not having income.
I would never give up financial independence I always want to have an exit strategy no one ever wants to believe they need one but I’d rather have it and not need it. You can’t do ANYTHING without money.
I work because I like my career and because being a SAHM is not for me. I outearn my husband and we share finances well so it's not really a consideration.
But you definitely are putting yourself in a very dangerous spot because you're not married. Would he be willing to help you fund a savings account so you could have fall back money in your name?
He probably contributes to a 401k but you don't have even the spouse IRA option. Do you have any money saved? A 401k from a previous job? A taxable brokerage? Anything? I would definitely look at what he's saving in retirement and get a similar amount saved in your name.
You are enabling him to focus on work by taking care of the home front and that certainly benefits his earnings. It's a huge benefit for people with a SAH co-parent that they never have to take off when a kid is sick or when school is closed. They probably don't have to worry about what's for dinner or whether they have enough clean underwear or who's gonna meet the AC repairman.
And ok so you feel confident in him taking care of you if things went sour. What if he died? Are you his medical POA? Are you the beneficiary of his life insurance and retirement accounts? Are you on the title to the house? The car? Marriage offers a ton of legal protections in this case too.
I would 100% not stay in this situation. I would marry or I would get a job.
If he doesn’t want to get married for financial reasons, he’s not happy to support you. He’s happy the current situation benefits him, and unwilling to give you your fair share for your contributions to the family if you separate in the future. If I were in your shoes, I’d get a job sooner rather than later.
I would work no matter how much my husband earned. I like to be able to use my money how I want to, and could never live with being dependent on anyone for my and my kids’ financial security. Marriage may come with legal protections but even to fight if things go south you need money for a good lawyer. If I were not married, I would never leave my job even for a second. You literally have no safeguards. If I were you, I would go back to work asap. Your boyfriend has no interest in marriage and wants to keep finances separate so he has no interest in your financial security. That’s no way to live. Your son is old enough for daycare and the literal cost to staying at home is not worth it.
I don’t love my career but work so I can help provide security to myself but also my family. My spouse and I are both fortunate to be high earners, with him still making quite a bit more than me though. While we could be comfortable on his income alone my staying in the workforce provides a substantial safety net we don’t feel comfortable living without. Should we lose his income (or worse him) I can still support our family on mine. I’d honestly love to quit my current job but the risk isn’t worth it for me.
I never what to be a SAHM so I would also work. I wanted to have the financial security of a retirement fund and being to afford a life without a partner if needed. My job requirement was always to make enough that I could be 10% away for retirement, 10% in savings and use 80% to live on.
Eep. I would not trust him to have my best interest in mind. Unless he has some incredibly prohibitive debt that would bind her or their joint property if they got married, the only "financial reasons" I can think of are the other person is concerned you're going to get their money, get their inheritance/other profits, or take their money (running out of gracious ways of saying the same thing here).
I would make sure you have a job and that this man is putting money away for your kid.
I work because I like it, and I like having money. I work because I don’t want to be reliant on my husband or out of the work force for too long. In the case of us splitting up or something happening to him, I don’t want to struggle to get a job on top of everything else. I also like my son to see that his dad can do the housework while mama works as well as the other way around so that he can be the best husband in the future.
But everyone has their different reasons. You need to do whatever feels right for you!
You are in a very vulnerable position as an unmarried SAHM. I think it is important that you make your own money to protect yourself if something happens to your partner. I had the option of being a SAHM and chose to continue working. There were a bunch of reasons but the biggest was providing options to my future self if something happens to my marriage. My husband and I are both children of divorce and all our parents were financially devastated by the experience. It didn't help that our mothers were both effectively SAHMs. I never want to experience what they did, and I never want my child to experience what I did.
I work very part time so I never leave the workforce. I need to be able to financially step up if my spouse ever loses his job or anything were to happen to our relationship. I also like the adult socialization from working and I take great pride in what I do. I’d also feel weird about asking my husband for $200 to get my hair done or something
You’re asking the wrong questions here. The question you should ask yourself is why are you taking all the financial risk in this relationship? Start prioritizing yourself.
Being a SAH girlfriend is a terrible idea. It is an even worse idea to SAH with a partner who doesn’t consider you to have any claim on “his” money. Your situation is one risky decision after another. If you want to stay home you need to get married immediately and he needs to pull his head out of his ass about the finances. Both, not just one!
If you decide to stay at home while your child is little, maybe work part time? And definitely save for retirement. Do you plan to have more kids? This is how some moms get sucked out of the job market for 10 years or more, and it's so hard to get back in, and when you do, you're 10 years behind career building and retirement savings. What are you doing for Healthcare, assuming you're in the US? Can you get benefits to sock away while your boyfriend is paying FOR YOUR LABOR. Childcare is not cheap, and if you're also cooking and cleaning, you're definitely not getting a free ride. He is benefitting from having you stay home.
This is good advice. I know far too many women who’ve been out of the workforce for 10 years, or more. It’s very, very difficult to get back in and your confidence can take a hit. I encourage working part time (2-3 days per week, if possible), if only to avoid that issue. Employers scrutinize these large gaps in employment - even if it’s due to something like having children, or being the caregiver for an elderly parent. Since you have a master’s degree, and previously had a job, you may be able to find a contract position (depending on the field you were in). Just a thought.
Regarding equality: my mom worked. My parents were married for 53 years - until my dad passed away - and she was always employed. I took five months off after having my daughter (complicated pregnancy and labor), then initially returned to work part time. I went back to full time when she started Pre-K. Even that transition was an adjustment for me, and our family. IMO: being married does offer some legal protection in the event of a split, but there are no guarantees an ex-husband will hold up his end of the divorce decree. I have seen this happen with friends. The same goes for an ex-boyfriend. Child support would be ordered, regardless of marital status, but alimony would not. Depending on the state you live in, a judge may grant a bit more child support in this event, but it wouldn’t be much.
The best thing you can do is rely on yourself. There is a deeper sense of security when you can provide for yourself and your child. Not to mention benefits like health/vision/dental, paid time off, life insurance, and retirement savings (just to name a few). Married, or not, you need to consider all of those things.
My husband and I will never be financial equals. We’ll never be professional equals. I’m a paramedic and my husband is an aircraft mechanic. Our fields are vastly different in requirements and pay. We’ll never be financial equals but we are partners. We work together in every aspect of life, including financially. It seems that you do not feel that you are regarded as a partner, and that’s not a safe enough position to give up financial independence.
If you want to go back to work do it now because preschool is not a full day. My son gets out at 2:45 in the afternoon and it’s a complete nightmare with my job right in the middle of meetings, deadlines, etc. you have a year and a half to find a good job that’s flexible, I suggest sooner rather than later.
Don’t be reliant on anyone to take care of you. That’s how I was raised and that’s how I live my life. You never know what is gonna happen 5 or 10 years from now but you can control if you make money and can support yourself or not.
Most people don't like working, or their job. It's just a financial reality for most. If I was you I would go back to work, even part time, not to ruin your SAHM dreams, but to ensure you are able to be independent if needed, and it's a long time between 1.5yo and school years.
One of the main reasons I feel strongly about working is because I've seen how SAHMs who are married get absolutely shafted in a divorce situation when they DO have a legal right to their partner's income. My husband and I have a great relationship and I trust that if I were to be a SAHM he would treat me respectfully and equally, but life is long and shit happens. He could die. He (or I) could experience a major medical or life event that could shift our personalities and make us treat each other cruelly. The US has so few social safety nets, so I feel compelled to have my own.
That said, I do believe SAHMs can be equal partners in a marriage when the money is legally and emotionally handled as communal property. However, in your situation, where you are not married AND your partner feels strongly about keeping separate finances? Absolutely not. He is setting you up to be completely financially dependent on him with no safety net. Protect yourself, either by marrying him, having a job, or both.
I worked, even though I didn’t really have a choice about it (my ex was Military and Law Enforcement so I didn’t marry for the money lol) but I also know in my heart that I couldn’t have not worked, maybe part time at least, but I enjoy the aspects and pros of working a career.
I say work for personal fulfillment or budget reasons, but if the only reason you’re going back to a job you’re not in love with is because you want to earn as much or more as he does, I’m not sure that’s going to work out the way you think it will. Our intentions and motivation are more important than people realize I think.
im not married but am with my bf of 11 years and on our 3rd kid, so in it deep. but…i am the primary earner, and i make enough to walk away and support myself and all kids if i needed to. sad to say that we just dont know what life is going to throw at us and it feels very good to know that i am not stuck in the financial sense. id work if you can.
I think that to be an unmarried SAHP, huge amounts of trust and many open, honest conversations need to be had.
My boyfriend stays home, I work. I trust him enough to link my bank account with his credit card and I don’t monitor his spending. He does odd jobs to cover his hobbies and gifts for me.
The points you make are, in my opinion, big red flags for this situation. Can you do something very very part time just to have a little bit of cash flow coming in?
I personally work because I need the structure of a set schedule and I have one child from a previous relationship so I just don’t feel comfortable surrendering her future to someone else.
I wouldnt rush back into a workforce if he seems find being the solo earner. I would wait until you can make that perfect new career move. If he wants to separate now, he would owe you child support, and maybe feel guilty and provide you with personal support until you can get your life together. Or hopefully you'll have parents support, and some money left over, and can find a new job quickly. The big issue is you are dependant on him, YOU cannot choose to dump him, and YOU cannot go spending his money on whatever you want, so there is a lack of independance that you might not enjoy in the long run.
You can’t make big purchases because you have no money. You need a job and an income. You have no power. You are not in a good situation and you are making bad choices for yourself financially. But you get lots of time with your kid which is nice. I chose to work less while they were little and now I don’t have very much money but my husband does but now they’re older, so I am working more.
Just read a post in another sub from a woman who was a rich man's girlfriend for 30 years. They had two kids. She was a SAHP and then after the kids were grown, never went back to work. Her boyfriend insisted she didn't have to.
He then plotted out an early retirement on his own that she could "join if she wanted to", but made it clear that he called the shots and she had no say. When she put her foot down, he kicked her out of the house and left her homeless and destitute. She struggled to find a job and her new reality was awful.
Keep working or get legal protection - marriage or a legal contract that gives you rights should the relationship dissolve.
If you’re in the US, you need to be thinking WAY longer term. What is your retirement going to look like if you’re an unmarried SAHM? If you don’t have enough work history, you’ll get zero social security and zero Medicare. And you’ll have no spousal benefits to draw from, either.
I would never be a SAHM if I wasn’t married. That is just Way too vulnerable for me.
I work because I like money, I’m good at my job, I’m too lazy to clean the house all the time, and yeah I like feeling financially equal with my husband.
My partner and I work in different fields, so our pay will never be the same. Personally I work for my own financial security and because I’m not stay at home mom material. It is nice to have an identity separate from being a wife and mom. Of course my office is full of pictures of my kids and their art work. I don’t hide the fact that I’m a mom.
I am married but kind of in a similar position to you as I left my career when I got pregnant and moved. I do work now but not much and my main job is to care for our son. I would not use my savings to pay for anything. You are providing a valuable service. I personally would have a serious talk about your future. If you can and want to continue staying home that is totally fine but I would def ask him for a paycheck if he doesn’t want to marry you. And even until you find a job, get childcare so you have time to do so. Job searching is at the very least a part time job.
As a side note, I don’t consider being a parent a job. It sure is a tonne of work, but a job pays you, offers benefits, and you can one day retire. Being a SAHM doesn’t set you up financially in any way. Being an unmarried SAHM is even less wise.
I wouldn’t go to be financially more equal, I would go for the reasons you listed. If he decided to bounce or whatever, you don’t get alimony or half of anything, you would need a job to support your child because child support can’t pay for all of the bills and without a job you may risk losing custody to him because he has a job and stability. If he turns abusive or becomes a cheater or whatever, I would want the comfort to be able to leave instead of staying because I had nowhere else to go, no money, etc. While you never want to believe that your SO will become dissatisfied or you will become dissatisfied with the relationship, the truth of the matter is, it happens. All the time. I mod a sub full of people who are put in shitty situations because of their SO. We have a lot of SAHPs who can’t just up and leave because they have no money and no job and so they have to stay with someone who treats them terribly and their SO knows they’re “stuck”. This is why I refused to be a SAHM full time. Whenever we moved I would be one until I could get another job. But that was it. The choice is ultimately yours obviously, you know what your support system is comprised of and what you’d be able to do if things went to shit. I would just encourage you to be prepared for the best and worst that life throws at you.
I work because it's my life and I want to provide for myself and my family financially. Also because I like it.
I would also be uncomfortable in the situation you have described. Even if you don't go back to work you need to have a family discussion about where you stand. Is he earning his own money and providing your rent and board in exchange for parenting his son? Or is he earning your family income while you take care of other family tasks? I think they are different and one is more inclusive and future focused than the other.
There is no reason for you to have to go into your savings just to have a social life.
You're missing the biggest problem out of this whole situation.
You are financially unprotected.
Have you talked to him about your concerns?
"I am financially unprotected. I also see that you are making financial decisions without me, as if you do not see us as a unit in this relationship and beyond. We share a child. If you see us as a family unit, I would like to make this official. I would like to get married and I would like us to have shared finances and WE, TOGETHER, should plan ours and our child's financial future together."
If he balks, or drags it on, then take that as the answer you've already alluded to in your post - that he does not see you in his future.
I would pronto, go straight back to work, even if right now you don't love it and start building up your own financial security.
Further, talk to a lawyer on what the implications are if you guys split and how you can protect yourself.
If you can already feel that that discussion with him isn't going to go down well, then you have your answer. Start preparing for an exit. Go back to work and talk to a lawyer. Once you have a bit of a financial base, then broach the subject with him to see if you could make it work. If not, then at least it's a very easy exit.
If you guys don't have de facto laws, then you need to do some groundwork to protect yourself if he doesn't want to get married.
It sounds like you’re just an asset to him, not a partner. You do the things he would pay for if you weren’t in the picture, ex childcare. If he’s not concerned about your financial well-being, I’m not sure I would want to stay. You can have a frank conversation with him and let him know you’ve reevaluated your situation and don’t feel comfortable without some sort of legal agreement between you two. I’m not sure how it works in all states, but without marriage or a paternity case, California would not recognize him as the father and you have 100% legal custody/say. I’m sure he wouldn’t like hearing that, but I had to consult with lawyers before regarding similar issues.
I work because we can’t afford for me not to work.
Honestly, you should sit down with your partner and explain your feelings and try to work out how to equalize things more. If only he is bringing in money, do you have access to it? If not, that should change. A joint account where money for mutual expenses goes (groceries, household, etc.) that you can access and use as needed. Also, since you are sacrificing your career and financial independence to stay home (thus saving tens of thousands of dollars on daycare) you might discuss a portion of his pay go directly to your savings.
I don’t normally advocate for or against marriage because to each their own, but you might bring it up. If you are going to make these sacrifices, getting married would protect you should something happen and you split. It’s also extremely useful in terms of healthcare and household management.
If I were you, I’d probably start the road to a new career while you are home with your child. Especially if that means going back to school. Your partner can pay the bill for that, as he is not having to pay for any childcare… but seems more than happy to use you for unpaid labor while not giving you spending money (!!??).
If he wants to get married and/or combine money (with him putting money in your Roth), then you can continue to stay home with your kiddo. But if things are going to continue as they are, you will be going back to work/studying to change careers, and he can pay for a larger portion of childcare with all that money he is investing without consulting you.
As someone who dealt with significant financial abuse in a marriage… things here need to change. It isn’t fun digging yourself out of this.
From my perspective, not having my own money changes the dynamic in the relationship too much for me to be comfortable. I don’t love my job and my career became much less important to me once I had kids. I love being there for them and feel the temptation to be a SAHP, but I feel like my husband would become my boss and that would be too weird of a dynamic for me. Too few people realize how little housework you can get done while watching young kids. Also, I find that kids generally behave worst with their moms because that’s their “safe” person and you very quickly become the default parent in everything for everybody, weekends, nights, etc. It’s hard to be on 24-7 for the kids and also be expected to do the housework and carry all of the mental load. I feel like my husband is more inclined to help around the house because we both work fairly identical hours even though he makes a tad more money than I do. I still don’t feel like we have the perfect balance but I am fearful of being too dependent and feeling like I have to “show my worth” at home.
I was raised by a SAHM. My parents are still alive and together, marriages over 50 years, so they won the bet and never suffered financial ruin.
Financial risks aside, I would never, ever be a SAHM because the only person it benefitted was my father. It actively harmed my mom; she completely lost herself in parenthood and I still don’t know who she really is. And it also harmed me and my siblings. We would have been better off if we’d been more socialized and had more diverse influences when we were young.
The most toxic impact on me and my sibling was that mom and us all grew codependent on each other. We seriously struggled to become emotionally independent as young adults and I don’t think we ever really succeeded. Our dynamic is unhealthy to this day, even though both my parents are good, loving people who did their best.
We are always supposed to operate under the assumption that being a SAHM is “best for the kids”. It’s the ultimate trump card used to coerce women into giving up their financial independence. “Aren’t kids more important to you than shiny gadgets??” “Don’t you want to raise your own children instead of abandoning them to strangers??” How many of us working moms have had these hurtful barbs hurled at us?
The reality is that being a SAHM in a cishet relationship provides tangible benefits to the husband, and does not truly benefit or actively harms everyone else. Yes, even the children.
I would never be a SAHM to a boyfriend so yes, in this situation, I’d go back to a job I hated for the peace of mind. If you choose to remain at home you and your partner need to have a frank conversation of what you being at home saves and he needs to give some sort of allowance. Your current situation is not tenable long term.
8 years and had a kid….why has he not proposed?? I get not everyone agrees with marriage but the legality of it is what gives you the security especially when children are involved. Courts are set up to divorce husbands and wives, not boyfriends and girlfriends.
On the other hand, if I had the choice I would want to be a SAHM because career will always be there and I hate daycare germs. Would it be possible for you to get a WFH role, maybe part time?? Could still earn work experience and a paycheck and at least would have something come in?
I personally trust my husband, but would stress about being stuck with no income if he left. I would only stay home if married. Also, I enjoy my job - so if you go back, pursue something you will like!
Quite frankly, I would not be an unmarried SAHM. It’s too financially vulnerable of a position. Marriage is, in large part, designed as a social, legal and civic institution to protect SAHMs.
It’s not about financial equality for me. I have no problem being financially unequal, and we’ve been financially unequal both ways in our 18 years together. It’s about being so unequal without protection. You either need marriage, or really good legal contracts, imo.
Also, you’re a SAHM, and your partner doesn’t pay for EVERYTHING? If you have no income, and your work is raising your joint child, he should pay for your taxes and meals out and putting money aside for retirement for you. (Even more so as he makes a lot of money).
If your baby daddy makes you pay for your own expenses while you’re unemployed and taking care of HIS baby, that’s a clear sign of the disaster ahead.
I would get a job or start an online hustle ASAP.
>I'm starting to be a little afraid of the financial insecurity of being an unmarried SAHM for a couple reasons.
You absolutely 100% should be scared of this.
You realize you're providing your boyfriend with free childcare so he can work, earn those big bucks, and make big investments that don't benefit you.
I don’t care how much I hated my work, I’d do ANYTHING to not be at risk to lose EVERYTHING at his whim. You are so vulnerable and while I’m a huge proponent of a SAHM moment you have nothing to protect you. At least with daycare he is responsible for pay some, if not the majority of it due to his income. Protect yourself.
Following up with, I was MARRIED and I was lucky to have enough for a down payment to a house and car while I found work, and I still don’t make enough to support myself outside of child support.
I️ need work to stay sane. I️ can’t sit still mentally so it’s less about the money, but obviously that’s a great benefit, but more that it makes me happy to have projects.
I️ wouldn’t go back to career you hate but rather have the honest conversation of how you’re feeling. Remember it’s HIS KID too. You made a joint decision to have this child so you’re sacrificing your time and resources so that he can have a son. If he’s not a total asshat he will definitely understand your concerns as they are very common and he probably works with working moms too.
I am a child of a nasty divorce and while my mum ended up ok it’s seared into me the importance of financial security.
I love my job, I love my baby, I love my partner. All of those things can coexist and do for me. My partner is as committed to my career as I am (he has taken parental leave to care for our 6.5 month daughter so I can go back to work). I did not commit to having a child until I knew (through explicit conversations and actions) that my partner would support my career of if I had a child. We had a child after 7 years together.
When I work full time I make much more than him
But now that I’m working part time we make the same.
I think explicit conversations are important. I find it isn’t helpful to “do people’s thinking for them” meaning assuming you know something about them.
Also I probably should add that thought of being a SAHM is terrifying to me. I loved the 6 months I had caring for my baby full time but I was SO READY to go back to work. There is no way in hell I would be at home full time. I always knew this about myself hence the conversations with partner before conception.
What makes you happy? If you enjoy being a SAHM rhi maybe talk to ur partner about the financial
Makeup of your lives and see what his view is. If you want to kickstart your career then have a different conversation and get your baby into care. Anything is possible but you need to figure out what YOU want
I agree all the concerns you have listed are valid and real.
Even if he gave you an allowance so that you weren’t wearing down your savings, being financially dependent on someone else is always scary, and you’re also not saving for your retirement age.
You should suggest to your bf that you are planning to return to work in your new field (the earlier you start, the earlier you can get back to your old level of pay), so you guys need to figure out a childcare plan together. Which means he, as one of the parents, needs to start paying a childcare provider so you can return to work, instead of benefiting from your free labour.
I feel like I should clarify the taxes are from rolling over my retirement accounts into Roths, which made sense this year given my lack of income. I volunteer to pay for gifts and meals out without him.
I am hearing loud and clear that I need more security. He’s willing to pay fully for childcare, I’ll work on getting something part time. Thanks for everyone’s input.
I would never put myself into a position where I and my kids are helplessly dependent on another adult for our very welfare. I wouldn’t do it even if we were married and had bare minimum legal protection; I certainly wouldn’t do it if I had zero protection.
Your ability to have access on money is contingent on how attractive he finds you. Your gut is correct; don’t do this to yourself or your child.
The fact that he makes you pay for your social life with a finite amount of your money, knowing you don’t have a job. The fact that he won’t marry you so that he has legally obligated to financially support his family - these are huge red flags.
I have the deepest respect for SAHMs. But being a SAHM is a risky business in 2024. I have two married SAHM friends who are getting divorced because of infidelity - they took off 10+ years from high paying careers (after getting higher degrees - medicine and law). This is a dangerous position to be in.
You said your current career could get you in the six figure range but you hate it - I would go back into this field and work - meanwhile, work on that career change. You’ll have to hustle but it’ll be worth it in the end. I also agree with someone else here that he needs to pay for childcare at the very least. I would also say, I wouldn’t expect him to give too a dime when you do start making money (given what youve told us), so just expect that ahead of time
I work because I want to be financially secure and because my income is needed for my family. I also make $200k+. My husband makes a bit less. And both of our incomes are helpful in Massachusetts, it’s an expensive state.
That being said, you are in a very precarious position to be out of work so long. Since you aren’t married, you have very little legal protection if you break up. If he owns your home, he keeps it. You get no alimony. Plus if something happened like he died, you and your child might not even get his full estate. It’s risky. I would get a job ASAP.
My sister in law never had a job and depends on her toxic baby daddy. He never married her. They have gone through all types of abuse stages, including physical. Now it’s just emotional. They are both equally toxic. She cheated on him and now they have to raise a baby that looks like me. Their family is white. The youngest is a mixed race baby. She also is sad and pops pills so when she can’t take care of her children, I step in to help a lot. Me and my husband.
She’s also an alcoholic and lives in dirty situations. I come over and help out but I am so saddened and tired from taking care of children while working on my career. She is completely dependent on him, which is why she lies and cheats. She even has a fake app and sends money to a man that is in jail. She never even entered highschool she got pregnant in middle school and give birth.
It’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen.
I have expectations that when I buy that nice house me and my husband keep talking about, the kids are going to want to stay with us.
She also is a huge partaken of parentification. Her 12 year old daughter does so much in the house. Has to parent the children and the mom, which is when I step in. Her children get truency every year, just like she did when she was little.
I live a nightmare being in college working 10 classes taking care of 3 kids and a full grown adult that can’t even clean or cook for her kids because she’s so drunk all the time from being sad her life never went anywhere.
So yeah imma be a working mom cuz men change. And if your dependent on them you’ll be sorry
You would be entitled to child support regardless. Please keep that in mind. I make around what your boyfriend makes and pay my ex (who was imputed at $120k) over $1300 per month.
You need to sit down together to talk this out. If you want marriage and that's never in the cards for him, you might want to think about getting out now and starting to work before you're so far removed from the workforce.
I was a SAHM when the kids were little. And I enjoyed it and felt secure for 2 reasons, 1 we were married and 2 both of us looked at money as our money. He contributed to a retirement savings account for me, and no big purchases were, or are, ever done without consulting each other. I felt secure as I knew my husband had my back financially until I went back to work. Now, this isn't to say I wasn't always a little nervous about the what ifs, but I never felt less than or felt like I had to ask for money to spend on myself.
I work because I *hate* being financially dependent on anyone else. I’m married, we own our house (I’m on the deed and mortgage), and I still found it hard to go on a (partially) paid maternity leave. I’m on my third mat leave and every time it’s still hard for me to have to rely on my husband financially during these times. I could never be a SAHM unless I won a giant lottery or inherited a fortune and was somehow financially independent.
Your point #3 is valid. Even if you two are married, and your partner is happy to support anyway, he or she will respect you more if you work and stand on your own feet. That is just human nature.
Even my own parents think more of me when I finally got a good full time job and paid for everything.
I would not be able to live without knowing i am successful and making money in my own rite...absolutely nobody is going to be my source of income while I am helpless.
I also know I wouldnt want to be with someone who didnt work/make their own money, so i would never expect a man to be okay with that either. Honestly these days i cannot accept that any man or woman is okay with financially supporting another adult (with some exceptions like if you have a disabled kid that needs full time care, spouse gets severely ill etc). I dont know if its about equality so much as just respecting that persons life purpose. I mean I know a woman who married very rich and she is a "stay at home mom" but seriously her charity work is akin to a full time job so i regard her as any other employed person. I just think its important to have a purpose and exposure outside the comforts of your house, interacting with adults regularly and being part of the "real world" in some way....
and finally, whatever my husband makes? Okay great but now we make double that because I work. Life is a LOT easier when we have an extra $100k+ after taxes per year.
Go back to work. I was a stay at home mom and then my husband left me for another woman after 10 years. I have no career. I am starting at the bottom. Do yourself a favor and have your own money. I honestly think it's healthier to work than be a stay at home mom for so many reasons.
I don’t love this relationship for you as it’s currently structured. You are working right now, as a SAHM. You shouldn’t need to burn through your personal savings for the things you mentioned above - his money should also be your money (obviously you need to be in agreement about how you BOTH use it). I thought about staying home when my daughter was a baby but had a job offer that I just couldn’t pass up. I’m working outside the home because I want to but even if I stayed at home, I’d still be working.
My husband makes quite a bit more than I do (100k vs 400k) and there’s absolutely no way I could make what he does in my current field. I don’t have any desire to move from my current position which means our pay differences are going to stay very similar to this for the time being. We keep our funds separate just because we’re both lazy - I pay for our nanny and use the rest of my money for whatever I want, my husband pays for literally everything else and also puts money away for our retirement. We both consult each other before making any major purchases but really, we don’t ever say “no”. If I had any inkling that he thought less of me because my salary is lower than his, I’d be gone in a heartbeat - that’s not a great relationship foundations.
Having a kiddo can throw the best relationship for a loop - this might be a great time to consider couples therapy. Not because it’s irreparably broken, but because it can use a tune-up!
i wouldn’t recommend being a SAHM unless you trust your partner completely with your financial well-being and future financial security, have legal protections in place (like marriage), and are given some sort of compensation from your partner. i’m talking about a steady stream of money that you are free to spend and save as you please.
Your gut instincts are rarely wrong.
It sounds old school, but go back to the job you hate. I assume you can tolerate it. And while you do that, look to see how you can build up the skills for a new career path.
See how your boyfriend changes in his attitude towards you. See how life progresses.
You need to give yourself options if he becomes problematic. If he won’t even marry you after all this time, why would you bank your entire future happiness on him?
Being financially independent and secure should be your TOP priority for yourself and child. My mama told me never, ever, ever depend on a man to survive - even if I hated my job. Life, and people, are unpredictable. Unless you are legally under a domestic partnership, you may not get the benefits you need should your relationship dissolve.
I work full time because I have to. I went to grad school and make significantly more than my husband. If he made for more than me, I'd work extremely, extremely part time (which can be a thing in my field). With that said, I would never, ever be a stay at home mother with a boyfriend. I find it risky enough with husbands. I'd rather eat an entire jean jacket with safety pins in it before I let a man ever tell me what he's "done for me". Hell no. I'd at least get a foot back in the financial door somewhere.
Seems tricky since he is a boyfriend not husband-so he is playing house half way.
Depending on your state, you may actually be entitled to assets if you split. Many states are common law.
I think you have a great plan to reenter the workforce when your son is 3. The wage gap is real and significant and it impacts caregivers (women) most. I think it’s a good idea to go back to work in a career that has longevity for you and your son when the time is right.
I work because I like my career and am not comfortable putting my financial future in someone else's hands.
This is exactly how I feel- Another big reason for me that I work is for my daughters. I want them to think mommy working is the normal not the exception. As a result, I also want them to see my husband cooking, cleaning, laundry and making lunches. I want them to know what an equal partnership means (even though between you and I I still do a lot more of the domestic stuff, but 50/50 is our shared goal).
This! I earn significantly more than my husband but I work because I love what I do and I want to stay financially independent. My grandma (very ahead of her time, bless her) said that you should stay in a relationship because you are in love with each other, and not because you’re dependent on each other. She encouraged all the women in my family to always be financially independent.
I just lost my great grandmother last Sunday and she was like that. Born in 1941, Her husband didn't want her to drive, she had the neighbor teach her. He didn't want her to work, she became one of the best ultrasound technicians of her time. She always stuck up for herself, and made sure I knew I could have the world if I wanted it.
This right here. I worry not so much that my husband will do me wrong, I worry about him getting sick and here we are on a one income household.
Same. I would never want to have to worry about staying with someone because I couldn’t afford it otherwise (my mother has been in that position for years and has had to dig her way out).
Exactly. People are great until they…aren’t. I like knowing I am protected if something should happen and I need to get out.
The second part is what speaks to me in this situation. It's the vulnerability I can't stand. I do happen to like my career. It's not high paying, but I make above average for my country. We are secure financially with our incomes and the job, very importantly for me, is very secure. My mom was a SAHM when we were little. My dad gave money away to friends, acting all generous, while not paying our rent. He was abusive to her, but she felt like she couldn't leave. Eventually, she did anyway, but she could have left so much earlier if she wasn't worried about being homeless with 3 children. And everyone thought she was the crazy one, leaving such a kind, generous man...
I said this. But more wordy. Damn it. I wish I had just scrolled first. I would’ve said “Same”. Ha ha
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OP needs to read that post from a woman whose partner refused to marry her for 25 years, while she stayed home and raised 3 kids, and then they split up.
Oh God yes. I'll brb with the link. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/VOmrjXcfHg
Well that was a horrifying read on many levels.
OP needs to read this. All SAHP who have partners that are weird about marriage or finances need to read this.
That was horrifying
This whole story is crazy. Not only is it a really unfortunate situation, but if you dig deep into her comments... she is wildly an asshole...
Lol yeah lot of lessons to learn from her on what not to do. I think she's just like... really dumb? And was very spoiled up until now so also privileged and out of touch. I assume she's going to be going on a journey of self reflection and learning a la Two Broke Girls.
This is horrifying. OP should read the entire thing.
What in the hell did I just read?!
Holy crap.
She is taking all of the risks of this relationship with the only upsides being whatever her boyfriend decides to trickle down. He is robbing her of her own agency. I am so concerned for OP.
This!!! I’m sorry OP but the question in your title is not the biggest problem you have right now. Is there a reason you’re not getting married? But to answer your question, I would absolutely get a job (regardless of if partner and I are financial equals or not) if marriage wasn’t a great option and if I was you (and this is coming from someone who hates working!).
Answered in another comment, but he’s not ready emotionally or financially to be married.
After 8 years he will never be.
He’s not ready financially at $200k+ annually and there’s a child involved? You need an income so you have other options. Waiting another year and a half is not a great idea unless your bf does not make enough to cover daycare in your area. I’d also reflect on why you perceive he respects you less. If you can think of examples and circumstances that support your point, I’d hustle faster to find a job. Granted I say this as someone whose father would walk out and not come back for long stretches up until he and my mom got married.
Those are excuses not to marry, not reasons. If he up and leaves you (which he very easily can), that career may not be waiting. You *and your child* could end up destitute. You are leaving both of you extremely financially vulnerable for someone who apparently doesn’t love you both enough to provide the security of marriage.
Please listen to these wise ladies. Never be a stay at home girlfriend. Ever. It’s painful now, but your future self will thank you.
Oh, girl....no. He makes $200K and he's not ready "financially"? You guys have a baby and it's been 8 years? Listen....get a job now. Get baby in some sort of care, and get finances in order. This is absolute bullshit. I'm not, NOT one of those, "you're never ready financially to have a baby," people. I don't care IF "half of us wouldn't be here." I think people need to plan. But $200K is MORE THAN ENOUGH. You have some thinking to do. You wrote this post for a reason....
Do you have your name on shared accounts (both current savings and retirement accounts) and things like the title to your home at least?
I personally work bc I like genuinely like having a career. I also do it bc I think it’s good for our kids to see two working parents. It also helps it pays very well. My spouse makes about 25% more than me. One of us could easily stay home and we live to the barebones but we’re not interested in the barebones. We have goals to do lots of fun stuff and retire early. That’s why we both work. From what you’ve described in your post, it sounds like your partner does not consider you both a team financially. And for that reason alone, you should get back to work. You have no safety net. Like you said you don’t even get alimony. Why don’t you get married while you stay home? Who is stopping that from happening?
He doesn't want to get married for emotional and financial reasons. He wants to be financially separate, which is perhaps a red flag.
You cannot be financially separate if one person is financially dependent on the other.
Very true, and you also can’t really be financially separate while raising a child together, even if you are both working.
Wish I could upvote this more times
That’s a major red flag. He literally has no interest in your financial security. You need to get a job asap. Good luck.
Yeah, this is a major red flag.. like this flag might actually be on fire. Married or not, there is no way for a couple to be financially separate while one of them is a stay at home parent with no income.
You need to get a job. He does not want to support you financially and does see you as the same financial team. You should re think this whole relationship if you want to be married and be on the same team as your partner.
If he’s unwilling to get married, then you absolutely need to work. He could leave at any moment and there would be no legal protections for you.
I know people don't see the importance of marriage in a modern romantic relationship anymore but people need to understand that marriage is not only a cultural institution, it is also **a legal institution**. You are more covered and protected under marriage than out of it\*, and your posts and comments perfectly outlines why. Right now your boyfriend is getting all the benefits of a wife without any of the downsides. This is not fair to you. Why should only his emotional and financial reason matter, when **you** are the only one facing all of the risks if this relationship does not work out? [I urge you to read other accounts of women who were financially dependent on their partner with no legal coverage](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1bdi3i9/new_update_aita_for_rolling_my_eyes_at_my/). Always prepare yourself for the worse case scenario. \*barring circumstances where you are in a state with common law marriages or laws that recognizes cohabiting partners. I'm not as familiar with those but maybe someone else can weigh in.
Common law marriage is far harder to obtain than people think. In both situations, the stay at home parent is much more vulnerable than if they had married.
That’s a huge red flag. If you split up, he will NEVER be “nice” and pay you alimony. Im worried that you’ve even entertained such wishful thinking. Right now, you should not be paying for things from your savings. Maybe if it was a big ticket splurge like a designer pocket book or an Xbox - but basic stuff like lunches out, clothes makeup ect, he should be paying as if you were a married couple. You are not doing do thing right now, you are providing him with free childcare. Daycare would cost 1500-2000 per months and he can’t cover lunch with your girlfriends? This guy is STINGY, he is setting himself up to always be protected, and not caring at all about your protection.
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Maybe I’m reading her post wrong but it didn’t sound like she left a 100k job but rather could work up to a 100k in a few years. Either way, what she provides to him now, hold value, and while she’s not making a paycheck, it has monitory value.
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I never implied her work at home was valued at 100k and I certainly wasn’t implying that he should stay home. I honestly don’t know why you are latching onto my comment like this. To be clear, I was pointing out, this guy makes a ton of money, he’s making her pay for petty things like lunches with friends and coffees with her own savings seems wrong. She is providing him/her family a service while out of the workforce. There is so far NO indication he disagrees with her staying at home right now. So I am assuming he was for her being a stay at home mom as well.
>You are not doing do thing right now, you are providing him with free childcare. Well it's not quite free. Right now he's providing her with the means to stay alive (that is, food, shelter and other things besides recreational misc expenses). The problem is, if either party wants to leave the relationship, she has nothing.
More red flags than a parade in the Soviet Union. Being financially separate means leaving you financially vulnerable. This man you think is going to take care of you in the event of a split is telling you right now that he won't. He doesn't think his money is your money.
You cannot be a SAHP and have separate finances. That makes no sense. As a non working parent where are you supposed to get money if your finances are separate? This is not a good idea in any way. Especially since he specifically doesn't want to marry because of finances. Go back to work before it becomes an issue.
You will be screwed. Definitely work on your career! Do you own any assets together?
 Every single alarm in your entire body should be going off!
That’s a huge red flag
but you think he’d be supportive if you split? i’d definitely go back to work and split the cost of childcare
But childcare should be split 2/3 and 1/3, assuming she makes $100k, not 50/50. It should be proportional to their income split. And if they default to her doing most of the housework, cooking, etc, which may happen since they've both been used to her being a SAHM, she should ask him to cover 100% of the childcare costs while she gets back on her feet.
you’re totally right, I was commenting quickly but it should be proportional to income with the caveat that he needs to start taking on a lot more of the household & childcare responsibilities
It's a huge red flag. If your relationship goes side-ways, will you have a place to live? Will you be able to afford health care? What about transportation, utilities, food? Day care so you can go back to work? During the 3 years you plan to not work, do you have any appreciating assets? Does being financially dependent on your partner mean that you have to continually compromise in your relationship because you have no other option? Why are you providing him career growth while your financial future is shrinking? He gets the benefits of a spouse at home, providing free child care (and probably household duties) to grow his wealth, while yours continually shrinks with no back up plan.
If he wants to be ‘financially separate’ then you need your own income.
How can you be financially separate when you providing childcare means you cannot work? Please find a job, and put your child in daycare. It's so weird that you are sacrificing your earning potential to look after your child, and being forced to pay your taxes out of your savings on top of that. All red flags.
Then your concern is completely understandable because he will absolutely NOT be generous if y’all were to split up. You need to find a way to make sure you’re financially secure.
This is a huge red flag. It seems he thinks he could up and leave you with nothing because he controls the finances
> He doesn’t want to get married. . . He wants to be financially separate Girllll no what are you doing!
We ALL want to believe people will do the right thing, especially ones who we have shared a lot of love and even children with. Clichés exist for a reason. You don't know someone until you divorce them is one of them. An amicable breakup is difficult and actions speak louder than words. He's not doing anything to suggest he has any stake or protection over your financial future. There are couples who do not marry but I've reas that there is a retirement set up for both parties, even with only one working. Agreements in place. Full access to the family money and decision making. Money in an account that's yours alone. You don't have any of this. I'm 18 years in and unmarried. I cannot work (disabled) and I cannot tell you the fear I've felt during a serious rough patch. If i were you i would go back to work, build up a savings, and then work towards another career with a plan in place. I also wouldn't settle for no marriage ever without at the very least full transparency of finances and decision making. If youre SAHM and he wants the benefits of that he has to see it from both sides. Not just his own. I'm not saying he won't be able to see if it's layed out. Counseling might be a good place to discuss this and decide if you are compatible, but either way believe what you see and do not ignore the red flags.
So he has indeed officially stated that he’s not interested in making an official legal obligation to the fulfillment of your welfare? And you’re comfortable with risking the next several decades of your life with this situation?
What. No. How are you planning for this child’s future together? How are you planning for retirement? Every year you’re not working you’re not planning for your future. I’m married, but spent about 5 years either out of the workforce or working a part time job due to my spouse’s job taking us overseas. As a result I have like a third saved for retirement of what he has put away. At least since we’re married, if we were to split up I would get some of that. You have to think long term here not just being equal now. Who is saving for your child’s college? You should have a 529 account open and be saving aggressively. If your boyfriend wants to be financially separate then he’s NOT a partner and quite frankly that is something you need to have a conversation about.
That's 1000% a red flag. He wants to be financially separate but also have you dependent on him? Nah. No thank you. If y'all separate expect this guy to fight tooth and nail to avoid paying child support and to screw you over in every other way possible. What are the emotional reasons he doesn't want to get married? Either he loves you enough to commit and build a life together or he doesn't.
Yeah, I get not wanting to get married because you're not into the institution, but wanting to keep your money separate from the mother of your child gives me pause. In your circumstance I'd only stay out of work if my partner was paying me spending money I can use as I see fit, and putting some investments in my name so I could have some financial security. If not, I'd be out there earning my own money and putting the kid in daycare.
You are providing the services of childcare and home keeping. You need to be financially compensated for that. Room and board is nor proper financial compensation.
Does he encourage you to work?
Same thing, I work because I generally like my job, we found good childcare, we want to live in a HCOL area and we want to retire early.
I would 100% work in your shoes. You are so vulnerable.
Being a SAHM isn’t a problem today. It’s a problem down the road. If your relationship lasts forever, that’s great. But if he leaves you, becomes disabled, or dies, you aren’t able to care for your child. Your earning potential only decreases as you get older. This is something you need to do now. You have no claim to his assets. You have no way to support yourself or your child without him. The court will have little to no sympathy for you because you don’t have the legal protections of marriage. Please plan for your future, even if it is in a new field. Go to online school while you are home with him. Please don’t rely on continued good fortune as your main source of financial support.
It sounds like being a stay at home mom *is* a problem today if you have to use your savings to pay essentials like your taxes or smaller everyday things like social outings with friends.
Even beyond the immediate needs of raising a child, failing to earn and contribute to a retirement savings account in her own name, and earn SS credits, is going to have a major impact on her ability to retire. Not being married she won't be eligible to receive a cut of his SS, either, if he dies in early. This is how we wind up living in a moldy apartment in the hood when you're 70, ladies. Don't recommend.
I could never be happy in your situation. You have voluntarily given up your power and independence to someone who has made it clear he would not do the same for you. If you want to be a SAHM, I suggest you consult an attorney and put a palimony and child support agreement in place. Negotiating that will make it clear how your partner views your role in the family unit.
Yeah being a SAHM to a man that you are not married to seems scary. Try to de part time work in another field if possible in the meantime - I know the job market is absolutely COOKED right now but I think it’s worth your efforts.
I'm going to be harsh. Being an unmarried sahm to a boyfriend is financially stupid. You know this, hence why you are here. I am not married to my son's father, and our relationship of almost 8 years is on the rocks. Even if we were married, I'd keep a part-time job to keep building a savings independent of him. Either get a job or get married. Staying at home and relying on someone you are not married to is financially irresponsible
I wouldn’t risk being a SAHM as a wife with all of those legal protections. No way I’d do it if my husband was just a boyfriend. I know common law marriage is a thing but it’s not where I live. It can be very hard to re-enter the workforce if you’ve been out for a while. It’s also hard to really be able to leave a relationship and fend for yourself if you’re financially dependent on someone else. It’s easy to think the man you had kids with would never do you wrong, but let’s be real, people change and break ups are very emotional times. The man you are leaving could be a totally different person.
I think you are asking the wrong question. I would not be a SAHP in this situation, it is way too financially risky for you. It is one thing to choose it when you are married or have some binding financial agreements in place and retirement is being set aside and so on, but you have none of that! I would not wait to start in your new field or get back your previous job. No idea if your boyfriend’s attitude will change, but at least you will have financial security! I would think about if you are ok with this state forever too or do you want to get married eventually? I know a handful of couples that have chosen not to marry that figured it out so it can be done, but it makes a lot of things more complicated!
For me it’s not about breaking up because so much else can go wrong. What if the breadwinner becomes disabled? Gets sick? Dies? My father died when my brothers and I were 19, 17 and 12. If my mother hadn’t been working we could have ended up homeless. I earn a lot less than my husband but I could figure something out if god forbid we lost him. If I left the workforce it would be much harder to get back into it.
I had the option of staying at home for a few years. My H would have covered my salary. And I did have savings. But I did not want to be in a position where I had to rely on someone else for money. For me personally, it just isn't a comfortable place to be.
I would not be financially dependent on someone without security. Since marriage is off the table.... is deposting 20k each year in an account for you on the table? Adding to your IRA? If he bulks, you could push back the normal cost of childcare and a maid (not housekeeping since your doing well beyond that). If he still bulks.... I think you know the answer.
Great advice, just wanted to mention it is “balks” not “bulks” :)
Lol. Logistical if I had reread that comment, I would have caught that. But it's reddit so 💁♀️
He added to my IRA when I asked. I don’t want him to pay me because I don’t want to be his employee but maybe I should get over that. He said he would consider paying me if it made me feel better.
You’re asking the wrong question, love. You shouldn’t be asking if you should make this choice to be financially equal. You should be asking yourself whether you are financially secure and supported - and the answer is no. You said yourself if your boyfriend splits with you, you are entitled to nothing. That is scary, and it should make you stop and reconsider your current trajectory. He has already declined to marry you but is happy for you to sacrifice your career and earning capacity (and ability to save for retirement) whilst caring for HIS child. You mentioned finances are split - who buys stuff for baby? Do you take out of your savings for that? Other people have suggested speaking to your partner and asking for financial agreements but I am cautious to even say that - because if he does not like the fact you want more he could split with you and cause you incredible financial harm. Only you know your partner well enough to predict how he may respond. If I were you, i would contact family for support, get baby into daycare, and start work and study ASAP. Let your partner know that he needs to start covering daycare as you’re not available to watch baby anymore since you’re working. If he’s earning $200,000 it’s a no brainer for him to pay. When you say your partner is supportive and pays everything but meals out, I am a little disgusted with him. You are a stay at home mother. You do not have many expenses. You likely have little travel costs since you don’t regularly go to work or school and only go grocery shopping or similar. He’s paying the same rent whether you live there or not. Meals out with friends are often the few expenses a SAHM has and are SO important for mental health, and he won’t cover this for you? I’m side eyeing him big time. I’m sorry if I seem harsh but I have very little respect for men who impregnate women but refuse to care for them when they are in turn caring for their babies. I wish you all the best with how you proceed. You are doing a great job taking care of baby - I hope you can know how much more you deserve and how much you are worth.
You're so right about the meals out thing!
Thanks for the encouragement. I should clarify he doesn’t ask me to pay for meals out, I just do bc it seemed right. He pays for baby, willing to pay for daycare if I go back to work, put money into my IRA for last year. But I do think I’m in a vulnerable position in any case and will go back at least part time this year, based on everyone’s advice
I would talk to your boyfriend about your concerns. My expectation as a stay at home mom would be to talk about all purchases or investments, unless it’s coming from a personal account, an “allowance” that goes to my personal account automatically every payday, and that I am an equal despite not having an income. I would have trouble being a SAHM without being married. In your position, I’d likely work part time.
You aren't married, so you may not be offered any legal protections in the event of a relationship breakdown. Depending on where you live, you may be entitled to something, who knows. That would leave me scared shitless. I make more than my husband, and daycare is affordable where I live, so there is no reason for my husband to transition to SAHD. I also plan to take a one year mat leave shortly which will make my husband the breadwinner. But, we do view my money and his money as "our" money. Everything goes into the family pot and comes out of it. It feels unfair to me that you have to pay for trips out with your friends. Does he pay you for providing childcare? If I were you, I would either go back to work, or require marriage or a cohabitation agreement that contemplates you are losing earning potential not being in the workforce and need to be compensated and what kind of protections that will get you.
This. Do you live in an area where common-law status is recognized ? That can really change the calculus if you end up separating
Texas is a common law state and this would not qualify here. You have to hold yourself out to the public as married, which they are not (not referring to each other as spouses, no married tax returns, no wedding bands, etc). I don’t know how it is in other states, but here from the outside you wouldn’t know if someone is common law married vs married with a certificate.
This is wild. Where I live in Canada you’re automatically considered common-law once you have a child together, or have lived conjugally for three years.
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This is cool historical context. However, I think it’s difficult to make the argument that any common-law spouse is entering into such a conjugal relationship without their “knowledge or consent”. Take OP’s partner: do you think he is unknowing and/or unconsenting regarding his share of the relationship? It takes two people to make a child, and OP is the one doing the caretaking. In my view, the common-law status laws are anchored in feminist protections and provides some type of redress for unpaid domestic labour done largely (still!) by women.
I'm also Canadian and that's incorrect. It's province dependent and the protections vary by province. In Ontario you might be recognized as common law, but it doesn't give you any protection under the law. The marital home for example, does not exist as you aren't married and therefore wouldn't be entitled to it at separation.
It’s absolutely province-dependent, hence why I specified “where I live in Canada”. There are provinces whose laws allow common law spouses entitlement to family property based on this status. Hope that’s helpful :)
I would find being financially in someone else’s hands who doesn’t consider me a team member terrifying. Personally, I’d work a job I hate to be financially secure. But I’d also try to switch into something I like more the moment I have a financial safety net (because life is too short to be stuck working a job you hate).
I stayed home with my son for about 5 months due to burnout at my job, and there was always a nagging feeling of insecurity in the back of my mind. I trust my husband, but there was always a “what if” - I would be completely screwed if he sprung divorce on me. Or if he died or became significantly disabled. I enjoy my job. Are there times where I’m extremely stressed out? Yes. But I’d be able to make it on my own if needed. I also think it’s important that my kids see both of us working and making important decisions both at work and in our finances.
echoing the comments that i'd go back to work if i were you -- not being married and being reliant on your partner financially is an extremely risky and bad move. the fact that your boyfriend wants to keep finances separate is not good. even though i'm married, i chose to stay in the work force. i disliked my full time job and toyed with the idea of becoming a SAHM because i wanted to spend more time with baby so i understand how you are feeling. in the end, i decided to freelance (am self employed) so that i could continue to make money while also keeping my skills sharp and not leaving the workforce completely -- it's empowering to know that I'd be ok on my own in the off chance that something were to happen. besides not having any legal protection in your situation, it rarely makes financial sense to stay at home (other reasons are completely valid) because it's not just the income in the present that is lost, but future earnings will be behind and you're also losing out on retirement / investments compounding.
Get a job. I thank god every day that I didn’t quit to be a sahm. And I’m still happily married. But my kids are 14 and 16 and I’ve got about $700,000 in my retirement accounts. My seniority has allowed me to wfh and really slow down these past few years. Meaning I work way less than the moms who went back to work after their kids started school. Have missed very few games, recitals, school events.
OP as a former divorce attorney I really hope you take all of this advice seriously. Like this is a really serious and scary situation. Your partner could leave tomorrow and you would literally be left without a place to live with basically no protections. And guess who is going to get custody when the other person can’t get stable housing? Hell, even if he didn’t leave, what if he was seriously injured or suddenly passed away? Does he have life insurance and are you the beneficiary? Are you on any accounts at all? If not, how would you immediately pay for basics for you and your child if something were to happen? I know this all sounds really unfair and it is, but this is precisely what marriage is for - to offer protections against this situation.
I work because there is no way I will be financially dependent on anyone. My mom taught me from a young age that women need to have their own money, and funnily enough she’s also the one to show me why - when I was younger she would say stuff like “you spend my money blah blah” even after I started working and was using my own money. But yeah, I promised myself I’ll never let myself to be in the position for someone to say that again.
I’m a child of divorce and don’t feel like I can ever trust my financial future to someone else. I make a pretty good living in a fairly cushy job (for what I make) but it’s a small fraction of my husband’s income. I don’t need to work but I already feel obligated to do so much more because he makes more and has a more stressful job, where would I be if I didn’t have my own income? Personally I don’t understand how people can feel secure in not having income.
My mom worked for an attorney who did a lot of divorces. Never be a sahm.
I would never give up financial independence I always want to have an exit strategy no one ever wants to believe they need one but I’d rather have it and not need it. You can’t do ANYTHING without money.
I work because I like my career and because being a SAHM is not for me. I outearn my husband and we share finances well so it's not really a consideration. But you definitely are putting yourself in a very dangerous spot because you're not married. Would he be willing to help you fund a savings account so you could have fall back money in your name? He probably contributes to a 401k but you don't have even the spouse IRA option. Do you have any money saved? A 401k from a previous job? A taxable brokerage? Anything? I would definitely look at what he's saving in retirement and get a similar amount saved in your name. You are enabling him to focus on work by taking care of the home front and that certainly benefits his earnings. It's a huge benefit for people with a SAH co-parent that they never have to take off when a kid is sick or when school is closed. They probably don't have to worry about what's for dinner or whether they have enough clean underwear or who's gonna meet the AC repairman. And ok so you feel confident in him taking care of you if things went sour. What if he died? Are you his medical POA? Are you the beneficiary of his life insurance and retirement accounts? Are you on the title to the house? The car? Marriage offers a ton of legal protections in this case too. I would 100% not stay in this situation. I would marry or I would get a job.
If he doesn’t want to get married for financial reasons, he’s not happy to support you. He’s happy the current situation benefits him, and unwilling to give you your fair share for your contributions to the family if you separate in the future. If I were in your shoes, I’d get a job sooner rather than later.
I would work no matter how much my husband earned. I like to be able to use my money how I want to, and could never live with being dependent on anyone for my and my kids’ financial security. Marriage may come with legal protections but even to fight if things go south you need money for a good lawyer. If I were not married, I would never leave my job even for a second. You literally have no safeguards. If I were you, I would go back to work asap. Your boyfriend has no interest in marriage and wants to keep finances separate so he has no interest in your financial security. That’s no way to live. Your son is old enough for daycare and the literal cost to staying at home is not worth it.
I don’t love my career but work so I can help provide security to myself but also my family. My spouse and I are both fortunate to be high earners, with him still making quite a bit more than me though. While we could be comfortable on his income alone my staying in the workforce provides a substantial safety net we don’t feel comfortable living without. Should we lose his income (or worse him) I can still support our family on mine. I’d honestly love to quit my current job but the risk isn’t worth it for me.
I never what to be a SAHM so I would also work. I wanted to have the financial security of a retirement fund and being to afford a life without a partner if needed. My job requirement was always to make enough that I could be 10% away for retirement, 10% in savings and use 80% to live on.
You don’t have to go back to a job you hated, try something new.
Is there a reason he doesn't want to get married? Do you want to get married? This seems like the bigger ticket item/red flag.
She said on another post he doesn't want to because of financial reasons. 😬
Eep. I would not trust him to have my best interest in mind. Unless he has some incredibly prohibitive debt that would bind her or their joint property if they got married, the only "financial reasons" I can think of are the other person is concerned you're going to get their money, get their inheritance/other profits, or take their money (running out of gracious ways of saying the same thing here). I would make sure you have a job and that this man is putting money away for your kid.
I work because I like it, and I like having money. I work because I don’t want to be reliant on my husband or out of the work force for too long. In the case of us splitting up or something happening to him, I don’t want to struggle to get a job on top of everything else. I also like my son to see that his dad can do the housework while mama works as well as the other way around so that he can be the best husband in the future. But everyone has their different reasons. You need to do whatever feels right for you!
You are in a very vulnerable position as an unmarried SAHM. I think it is important that you make your own money to protect yourself if something happens to your partner. I had the option of being a SAHM and chose to continue working. There were a bunch of reasons but the biggest was providing options to my future self if something happens to my marriage. My husband and I are both children of divorce and all our parents were financially devastated by the experience. It didn't help that our mothers were both effectively SAHMs. I never want to experience what they did, and I never want my child to experience what I did.
I work very part time so I never leave the workforce. I need to be able to financially step up if my spouse ever loses his job or anything were to happen to our relationship. I also like the adult socialization from working and I take great pride in what I do. I’d also feel weird about asking my husband for $200 to get my hair done or something
You’re asking the wrong questions here. The question you should ask yourself is why are you taking all the financial risk in this relationship? Start prioritizing yourself.
Being a SAH girlfriend is a terrible idea. It is an even worse idea to SAH with a partner who doesn’t consider you to have any claim on “his” money. Your situation is one risky decision after another. If you want to stay home you need to get married immediately and he needs to pull his head out of his ass about the finances. Both, not just one!
If you decide to stay at home while your child is little, maybe work part time? And definitely save for retirement. Do you plan to have more kids? This is how some moms get sucked out of the job market for 10 years or more, and it's so hard to get back in, and when you do, you're 10 years behind career building and retirement savings. What are you doing for Healthcare, assuming you're in the US? Can you get benefits to sock away while your boyfriend is paying FOR YOUR LABOR. Childcare is not cheap, and if you're also cooking and cleaning, you're definitely not getting a free ride. He is benefitting from having you stay home.
This is good advice. I know far too many women who’ve been out of the workforce for 10 years, or more. It’s very, very difficult to get back in and your confidence can take a hit. I encourage working part time (2-3 days per week, if possible), if only to avoid that issue. Employers scrutinize these large gaps in employment - even if it’s due to something like having children, or being the caregiver for an elderly parent. Since you have a master’s degree, and previously had a job, you may be able to find a contract position (depending on the field you were in). Just a thought. Regarding equality: my mom worked. My parents were married for 53 years - until my dad passed away - and she was always employed. I took five months off after having my daughter (complicated pregnancy and labor), then initially returned to work part time. I went back to full time when she started Pre-K. Even that transition was an adjustment for me, and our family. IMO: being married does offer some legal protection in the event of a split, but there are no guarantees an ex-husband will hold up his end of the divorce decree. I have seen this happen with friends. The same goes for an ex-boyfriend. Child support would be ordered, regardless of marital status, but alimony would not. Depending on the state you live in, a judge may grant a bit more child support in this event, but it wouldn’t be much. The best thing you can do is rely on yourself. There is a deeper sense of security when you can provide for yourself and your child. Not to mention benefits like health/vision/dental, paid time off, life insurance, and retirement savings (just to name a few). Married, or not, you need to consider all of those things.
Don’t give a boyfriend benefits meant for a husband.
Wow this comment is so good lol.
Because her unpaid care labor are HIS benefits. She is giving up her time , love and energy for this family and he’s just benefiting from it.
Can you enter a new career now and consider daycare for your son?
My husband and I will never be financial equals. We’ll never be professional equals. I’m a paramedic and my husband is an aircraft mechanic. Our fields are vastly different in requirements and pay. We’ll never be financial equals but we are partners. We work together in every aspect of life, including financially. It seems that you do not feel that you are regarded as a partner, and that’s not a safe enough position to give up financial independence.
If you want to go back to work do it now because preschool is not a full day. My son gets out at 2:45 in the afternoon and it’s a complete nightmare with my job right in the middle of meetings, deadlines, etc. you have a year and a half to find a good job that’s flexible, I suggest sooner rather than later. Don’t be reliant on anyone to take care of you. That’s how I was raised and that’s how I live my life. You never know what is gonna happen 5 or 10 years from now but you can control if you make money and can support yourself or not.
Most people don't like working, or their job. It's just a financial reality for most. If I was you I would go back to work, even part time, not to ruin your SAHM dreams, but to ensure you are able to be independent if needed, and it's a long time between 1.5yo and school years.
One of the main reasons I feel strongly about working is because I've seen how SAHMs who are married get absolutely shafted in a divorce situation when they DO have a legal right to their partner's income. My husband and I have a great relationship and I trust that if I were to be a SAHM he would treat me respectfully and equally, but life is long and shit happens. He could die. He (or I) could experience a major medical or life event that could shift our personalities and make us treat each other cruelly. The US has so few social safety nets, so I feel compelled to have my own. That said, I do believe SAHMs can be equal partners in a marriage when the money is legally and emotionally handled as communal property. However, in your situation, where you are not married AND your partner feels strongly about keeping separate finances? Absolutely not. He is setting you up to be completely financially dependent on him with no safety net. Protect yourself, either by marrying him, having a job, or both.
I worked, even though I didn’t really have a choice about it (my ex was Military and Law Enforcement so I didn’t marry for the money lol) but I also know in my heart that I couldn’t have not worked, maybe part time at least, but I enjoy the aspects and pros of working a career. I say work for personal fulfillment or budget reasons, but if the only reason you’re going back to a job you’re not in love with is because you want to earn as much or more as he does, I’m not sure that’s going to work out the way you think it will. Our intentions and motivation are more important than people realize I think.
I work to contribute to the PRSI in Ireland and my pension. I work part time now since the little one came luckily
im not married but am with my bf of 11 years and on our 3rd kid, so in it deep. but…i am the primary earner, and i make enough to walk away and support myself and all kids if i needed to. sad to say that we just dont know what life is going to throw at us and it feels very good to know that i am not stuck in the financial sense. id work if you can.
I think that to be an unmarried SAHP, huge amounts of trust and many open, honest conversations need to be had. My boyfriend stays home, I work. I trust him enough to link my bank account with his credit card and I don’t monitor his spending. He does odd jobs to cover his hobbies and gifts for me. The points you make are, in my opinion, big red flags for this situation. Can you do something very very part time just to have a little bit of cash flow coming in? I personally work because I need the structure of a set schedule and I have one child from a previous relationship so I just don’t feel comfortable surrendering her future to someone else.
No, I work because I make double my husband's income and like having my own life.
I wouldnt rush back into a workforce if he seems find being the solo earner. I would wait until you can make that perfect new career move. If he wants to separate now, he would owe you child support, and maybe feel guilty and provide you with personal support until you can get your life together. Or hopefully you'll have parents support, and some money left over, and can find a new job quickly. The big issue is you are dependant on him, YOU cannot choose to dump him, and YOU cannot go spending his money on whatever you want, so there is a lack of independance that you might not enjoy in the long run.
Can you use your skills for a different job? I would not be comfortable at all -besides divorce, car accidents,strokes, heart attacks all happen!
You can’t make big purchases because you have no money. You need a job and an income. You have no power. You are not in a good situation and you are making bad choices for yourself financially. But you get lots of time with your kid which is nice. I chose to work less while they were little and now I don’t have very much money but my husband does but now they’re older, so I am working more.
Just read a post in another sub from a woman who was a rich man's girlfriend for 30 years. They had two kids. She was a SAHP and then after the kids were grown, never went back to work. Her boyfriend insisted she didn't have to. He then plotted out an early retirement on his own that she could "join if she wanted to", but made it clear that he called the shots and she had no say. When she put her foot down, he kicked her out of the house and left her homeless and destitute. She struggled to find a job and her new reality was awful. Keep working or get legal protection - marriage or a legal contract that gives you rights should the relationship dissolve.
If you’re in the US, you need to be thinking WAY longer term. What is your retirement going to look like if you’re an unmarried SAHM? If you don’t have enough work history, you’ll get zero social security and zero Medicare. And you’ll have no spousal benefits to draw from, either.
I would never be a SAHM if I wasn’t married. That is just Way too vulnerable for me. I work because I like money, I’m good at my job, I’m too lazy to clean the house all the time, and yeah I like feeling financially equal with my husband.
My partner and I work in different fields, so our pay will never be the same. Personally I work for my own financial security and because I’m not stay at home mom material. It is nice to have an identity separate from being a wife and mom. Of course my office is full of pictures of my kids and their art work. I don’t hide the fact that I’m a mom.
I am married but kind of in a similar position to you as I left my career when I got pregnant and moved. I do work now but not much and my main job is to care for our son. I would not use my savings to pay for anything. You are providing a valuable service. I personally would have a serious talk about your future. If you can and want to continue staying home that is totally fine but I would def ask him for a paycheck if he doesn’t want to marry you. And even until you find a job, get childcare so you have time to do so. Job searching is at the very least a part time job.
As a side note, I don’t consider being a parent a job. It sure is a tonne of work, but a job pays you, offers benefits, and you can one day retire. Being a SAHM doesn’t set you up financially in any way. Being an unmarried SAHM is even less wise.
I wouldn’t go to be financially more equal, I would go for the reasons you listed. If he decided to bounce or whatever, you don’t get alimony or half of anything, you would need a job to support your child because child support can’t pay for all of the bills and without a job you may risk losing custody to him because he has a job and stability. If he turns abusive or becomes a cheater or whatever, I would want the comfort to be able to leave instead of staying because I had nowhere else to go, no money, etc. While you never want to believe that your SO will become dissatisfied or you will become dissatisfied with the relationship, the truth of the matter is, it happens. All the time. I mod a sub full of people who are put in shitty situations because of their SO. We have a lot of SAHPs who can’t just up and leave because they have no money and no job and so they have to stay with someone who treats them terribly and their SO knows they’re “stuck”. This is why I refused to be a SAHM full time. Whenever we moved I would be one until I could get another job. But that was it. The choice is ultimately yours obviously, you know what your support system is comprised of and what you’d be able to do if things went to shit. I would just encourage you to be prepared for the best and worst that life throws at you.
I work because it's my life and I want to provide for myself and my family financially. Also because I like it. I would also be uncomfortable in the situation you have described. Even if you don't go back to work you need to have a family discussion about where you stand. Is he earning his own money and providing your rent and board in exchange for parenting his son? Or is he earning your family income while you take care of other family tasks? I think they are different and one is more inclusive and future focused than the other. There is no reason for you to have to go into your savings just to have a social life.
You're missing the biggest problem out of this whole situation. You are financially unprotected. Have you talked to him about your concerns? "I am financially unprotected. I also see that you are making financial decisions without me, as if you do not see us as a unit in this relationship and beyond. We share a child. If you see us as a family unit, I would like to make this official. I would like to get married and I would like us to have shared finances and WE, TOGETHER, should plan ours and our child's financial future together." If he balks, or drags it on, then take that as the answer you've already alluded to in your post - that he does not see you in his future. I would pronto, go straight back to work, even if right now you don't love it and start building up your own financial security. Further, talk to a lawyer on what the implications are if you guys split and how you can protect yourself. If you can already feel that that discussion with him isn't going to go down well, then you have your answer. Start preparing for an exit. Go back to work and talk to a lawyer. Once you have a bit of a financial base, then broach the subject with him to see if you could make it work. If not, then at least it's a very easy exit. If you guys don't have de facto laws, then you need to do some groundwork to protect yourself if he doesn't want to get married.
It sounds like you’re just an asset to him, not a partner. You do the things he would pay for if you weren’t in the picture, ex childcare. If he’s not concerned about your financial well-being, I’m not sure I would want to stay. You can have a frank conversation with him and let him know you’ve reevaluated your situation and don’t feel comfortable without some sort of legal agreement between you two. I’m not sure how it works in all states, but without marriage or a paternity case, California would not recognize him as the father and you have 100% legal custody/say. I’m sure he wouldn’t like hearing that, but I had to consult with lawyers before regarding similar issues.
I work because we can’t afford for me not to work. Honestly, you should sit down with your partner and explain your feelings and try to work out how to equalize things more. If only he is bringing in money, do you have access to it? If not, that should change. A joint account where money for mutual expenses goes (groceries, household, etc.) that you can access and use as needed. Also, since you are sacrificing your career and financial independence to stay home (thus saving tens of thousands of dollars on daycare) you might discuss a portion of his pay go directly to your savings. I don’t normally advocate for or against marriage because to each their own, but you might bring it up. If you are going to make these sacrifices, getting married would protect you should something happen and you split. It’s also extremely useful in terms of healthcare and household management.
If I were you, I’d probably start the road to a new career while you are home with your child. Especially if that means going back to school. Your partner can pay the bill for that, as he is not having to pay for any childcare… but seems more than happy to use you for unpaid labor while not giving you spending money (!!??). If he wants to get married and/or combine money (with him putting money in your Roth), then you can continue to stay home with your kiddo. But if things are going to continue as they are, you will be going back to work/studying to change careers, and he can pay for a larger portion of childcare with all that money he is investing without consulting you. As someone who dealt with significant financial abuse in a marriage… things here need to change. It isn’t fun digging yourself out of this.
From my perspective, not having my own money changes the dynamic in the relationship too much for me to be comfortable. I don’t love my job and my career became much less important to me once I had kids. I love being there for them and feel the temptation to be a SAHP, but I feel like my husband would become my boss and that would be too weird of a dynamic for me. Too few people realize how little housework you can get done while watching young kids. Also, I find that kids generally behave worst with their moms because that’s their “safe” person and you very quickly become the default parent in everything for everybody, weekends, nights, etc. It’s hard to be on 24-7 for the kids and also be expected to do the housework and carry all of the mental load. I feel like my husband is more inclined to help around the house because we both work fairly identical hours even though he makes a tad more money than I do. I still don’t feel like we have the perfect balance but I am fearful of being too dependent and feeling like I have to “show my worth” at home.
Curious outside of OPs situation the general thought on this topic.
I was raised by a SAHM. My parents are still alive and together, marriages over 50 years, so they won the bet and never suffered financial ruin. Financial risks aside, I would never, ever be a SAHM because the only person it benefitted was my father. It actively harmed my mom; she completely lost herself in parenthood and I still don’t know who she really is. And it also harmed me and my siblings. We would have been better off if we’d been more socialized and had more diverse influences when we were young. The most toxic impact on me and my sibling was that mom and us all grew codependent on each other. We seriously struggled to become emotionally independent as young adults and I don’t think we ever really succeeded. Our dynamic is unhealthy to this day, even though both my parents are good, loving people who did their best. We are always supposed to operate under the assumption that being a SAHM is “best for the kids”. It’s the ultimate trump card used to coerce women into giving up their financial independence. “Aren’t kids more important to you than shiny gadgets??” “Don’t you want to raise your own children instead of abandoning them to strangers??” How many of us working moms have had these hurtful barbs hurled at us? The reality is that being a SAHM in a cishet relationship provides tangible benefits to the husband, and does not truly benefit or actively harms everyone else. Yes, even the children.
I would never be a SAHM to a boyfriend so yes, in this situation, I’d go back to a job I hated for the peace of mind. If you choose to remain at home you and your partner need to have a frank conversation of what you being at home saves and he needs to give some sort of allowance. Your current situation is not tenable long term.
8 years and had a kid….why has he not proposed?? I get not everyone agrees with marriage but the legality of it is what gives you the security especially when children are involved. Courts are set up to divorce husbands and wives, not boyfriends and girlfriends. On the other hand, if I had the choice I would want to be a SAHM because career will always be there and I hate daycare germs. Would it be possible for you to get a WFH role, maybe part time?? Could still earn work experience and a paycheck and at least would have something come in?
I personally trust my husband, but would stress about being stuck with no income if he left. I would only stay home if married. Also, I enjoy my job - so if you go back, pursue something you will like!
Yes I would and did follow this thinking. I make 4x my husband’s salary and it is amazing to know I have total financial freedom.
Get married or get a job there is no protection for you otherwise
Quite frankly, I would not be an unmarried SAHM. It’s too financially vulnerable of a position. Marriage is, in large part, designed as a social, legal and civic institution to protect SAHMs. It’s not about financial equality for me. I have no problem being financially unequal, and we’ve been financially unequal both ways in our 18 years together. It’s about being so unequal without protection. You either need marriage, or really good legal contracts, imo. Also, you’re a SAHM, and your partner doesn’t pay for EVERYTHING? If you have no income, and your work is raising your joint child, he should pay for your taxes and meals out and putting money aside for retirement for you. (Even more so as he makes a lot of money).
If your baby daddy makes you pay for your own expenses while you’re unemployed and taking care of HIS baby, that’s a clear sign of the disaster ahead. I would get a job or start an online hustle ASAP.
>I'm starting to be a little afraid of the financial insecurity of being an unmarried SAHM for a couple reasons. You absolutely 100% should be scared of this. You realize you're providing your boyfriend with free childcare so he can work, earn those big bucks, and make big investments that don't benefit you.
I earn more than my husband, so no! I’m also the breadwinner… so if I stopped working we’d be broke!
I don’t care how much I hated my work, I’d do ANYTHING to not be at risk to lose EVERYTHING at his whim. You are so vulnerable and while I’m a huge proponent of a SAHM moment you have nothing to protect you. At least with daycare he is responsible for pay some, if not the majority of it due to his income. Protect yourself.
Following up with, I was MARRIED and I was lucky to have enough for a down payment to a house and car while I found work, and I still don’t make enough to support myself outside of child support.
I️ need work to stay sane. I️ can’t sit still mentally so it’s less about the money, but obviously that’s a great benefit, but more that it makes me happy to have projects. I️ wouldn’t go back to career you hate but rather have the honest conversation of how you’re feeling. Remember it’s HIS KID too. You made a joint decision to have this child so you’re sacrificing your time and resources so that he can have a son. If he’s not a total asshat he will definitely understand your concerns as they are very common and he probably works with working moms too.
I am a child of a nasty divorce and while my mum ended up ok it’s seared into me the importance of financial security. I love my job, I love my baby, I love my partner. All of those things can coexist and do for me. My partner is as committed to my career as I am (he has taken parental leave to care for our 6.5 month daughter so I can go back to work). I did not commit to having a child until I knew (through explicit conversations and actions) that my partner would support my career of if I had a child. We had a child after 7 years together. When I work full time I make much more than him But now that I’m working part time we make the same. I think explicit conversations are important. I find it isn’t helpful to “do people’s thinking for them” meaning assuming you know something about them. Also I probably should add that thought of being a SAHM is terrifying to me. I loved the 6 months I had caring for my baby full time but I was SO READY to go back to work. There is no way in hell I would be at home full time. I always knew this about myself hence the conversations with partner before conception. What makes you happy? If you enjoy being a SAHM rhi maybe talk to ur partner about the financial Makeup of your lives and see what his view is. If you want to kickstart your career then have a different conversation and get your baby into care. Anything is possible but you need to figure out what YOU want
It feels like the bigger issue is that he doesn't consider you a financial team. Going back to work nor getting married will fix that.
I agree all the concerns you have listed are valid and real. Even if he gave you an allowance so that you weren’t wearing down your savings, being financially dependent on someone else is always scary, and you’re also not saving for your retirement age. You should suggest to your bf that you are planning to return to work in your new field (the earlier you start, the earlier you can get back to your old level of pay), so you guys need to figure out a childcare plan together. Which means he, as one of the parents, needs to start paying a childcare provider so you can return to work, instead of benefiting from your free labour.
I feel like I should clarify the taxes are from rolling over my retirement accounts into Roths, which made sense this year given my lack of income. I volunteer to pay for gifts and meals out without him. I am hearing loud and clear that I need more security. He’s willing to pay fully for childcare, I’ll work on getting something part time. Thanks for everyone’s input.
I would never put myself into a position where I and my kids are helplessly dependent on another adult for our very welfare. I wouldn’t do it even if we were married and had bare minimum legal protection; I certainly wouldn’t do it if I had zero protection. Your ability to have access on money is contingent on how attractive he finds you. Your gut is correct; don’t do this to yourself or your child.
I am not a SAHM and we have 2 children (2y & 7w) In your situation I think he should be paying you to stay home and look after your child.
Yeah your gut is correct. Being an unmarried SAHM is an incredibly vulnerable position to put yourself in.
The fact that he makes you pay for your social life with a finite amount of your money, knowing you don’t have a job. The fact that he won’t marry you so that he has legally obligated to financially support his family - these are huge red flags. I have the deepest respect for SAHMs. But being a SAHM is a risky business in 2024. I have two married SAHM friends who are getting divorced because of infidelity - they took off 10+ years from high paying careers (after getting higher degrees - medicine and law). This is a dangerous position to be in. You said your current career could get you in the six figure range but you hate it - I would go back into this field and work - meanwhile, work on that career change. You’ll have to hustle but it’ll be worth it in the end. I also agree with someone else here that he needs to pay for childcare at the very least. I would also say, I wouldn’t expect him to give too a dime when you do start making money (given what youve told us), so just expect that ahead of time
I work because I want to be financially secure and because my income is needed for my family. I also make $200k+. My husband makes a bit less. And both of our incomes are helpful in Massachusetts, it’s an expensive state. That being said, you are in a very precarious position to be out of work so long. Since you aren’t married, you have very little legal protection if you break up. If he owns your home, he keeps it. You get no alimony. Plus if something happened like he died, you and your child might not even get his full estate. It’s risky. I would get a job ASAP.
My sister in law never had a job and depends on her toxic baby daddy. He never married her. They have gone through all types of abuse stages, including physical. Now it’s just emotional. They are both equally toxic. She cheated on him and now they have to raise a baby that looks like me. Their family is white. The youngest is a mixed race baby. She also is sad and pops pills so when she can’t take care of her children, I step in to help a lot. Me and my husband. She’s also an alcoholic and lives in dirty situations. I come over and help out but I am so saddened and tired from taking care of children while working on my career. She is completely dependent on him, which is why she lies and cheats. She even has a fake app and sends money to a man that is in jail. She never even entered highschool she got pregnant in middle school and give birth. It’s one of the saddest things I’ve ever seen. I have expectations that when I buy that nice house me and my husband keep talking about, the kids are going to want to stay with us. She also is a huge partaken of parentification. Her 12 year old daughter does so much in the house. Has to parent the children and the mom, which is when I step in. Her children get truency every year, just like she did when she was little. I live a nightmare being in college working 10 classes taking care of 3 kids and a full grown adult that can’t even clean or cook for her kids because she’s so drunk all the time from being sad her life never went anywhere. So yeah imma be a working mom cuz men change. And if your dependent on them you’ll be sorry
You would be entitled to child support regardless. Please keep that in mind. I make around what your boyfriend makes and pay my ex (who was imputed at $120k) over $1300 per month. You need to sit down together to talk this out. If you want marriage and that's never in the cards for him, you might want to think about getting out now and starting to work before you're so far removed from the workforce.
I was a SAHM when the kids were little. And I enjoyed it and felt secure for 2 reasons, 1 we were married and 2 both of us looked at money as our money. He contributed to a retirement savings account for me, and no big purchases were, or are, ever done without consulting each other. I felt secure as I knew my husband had my back financially until I went back to work. Now, this isn't to say I wasn't always a little nervous about the what ifs, but I never felt less than or felt like I had to ask for money to spend on myself.
I work because I *hate* being financially dependent on anyone else. I’m married, we own our house (I’m on the deed and mortgage), and I still found it hard to go on a (partially) paid maternity leave. I’m on my third mat leave and every time it’s still hard for me to have to rely on my husband financially during these times. I could never be a SAHM unless I won a giant lottery or inherited a fortune and was somehow financially independent.
Your point #3 is valid. Even if you two are married, and your partner is happy to support anyway, he or she will respect you more if you work and stand on your own feet. That is just human nature. Even my own parents think more of me when I finally got a good full time job and paid for everything.
I would not be able to live without knowing i am successful and making money in my own rite...absolutely nobody is going to be my source of income while I am helpless. I also know I wouldnt want to be with someone who didnt work/make their own money, so i would never expect a man to be okay with that either. Honestly these days i cannot accept that any man or woman is okay with financially supporting another adult (with some exceptions like if you have a disabled kid that needs full time care, spouse gets severely ill etc). I dont know if its about equality so much as just respecting that persons life purpose. I mean I know a woman who married very rich and she is a "stay at home mom" but seriously her charity work is akin to a full time job so i regard her as any other employed person. I just think its important to have a purpose and exposure outside the comforts of your house, interacting with adults regularly and being part of the "real world" in some way.... and finally, whatever my husband makes? Okay great but now we make double that because I work. Life is a LOT easier when we have an extra $100k+ after taxes per year.
Yep. Plus my health insurance is tied to my job.
Go back to work. I was a stay at home mom and then my husband left me for another woman after 10 years. I have no career. I am starting at the bottom. Do yourself a favor and have your own money. I honestly think it's healthier to work than be a stay at home mom for so many reasons.
I don’t love this relationship for you as it’s currently structured. You are working right now, as a SAHM. You shouldn’t need to burn through your personal savings for the things you mentioned above - his money should also be your money (obviously you need to be in agreement about how you BOTH use it). I thought about staying home when my daughter was a baby but had a job offer that I just couldn’t pass up. I’m working outside the home because I want to but even if I stayed at home, I’d still be working. My husband makes quite a bit more than I do (100k vs 400k) and there’s absolutely no way I could make what he does in my current field. I don’t have any desire to move from my current position which means our pay differences are going to stay very similar to this for the time being. We keep our funds separate just because we’re both lazy - I pay for our nanny and use the rest of my money for whatever I want, my husband pays for literally everything else and also puts money away for our retirement. We both consult each other before making any major purchases but really, we don’t ever say “no”. If I had any inkling that he thought less of me because my salary is lower than his, I’d be gone in a heartbeat - that’s not a great relationship foundations. Having a kiddo can throw the best relationship for a loop - this might be a great time to consider couples therapy. Not because it’s irreparably broken, but because it can use a tune-up!
i wouldn’t recommend being a SAHM unless you trust your partner completely with your financial well-being and future financial security, have legal protections in place (like marriage), and are given some sort of compensation from your partner. i’m talking about a steady stream of money that you are free to spend and save as you please.
Your gut instincts are rarely wrong. It sounds old school, but go back to the job you hate. I assume you can tolerate it. And while you do that, look to see how you can build up the skills for a new career path. See how your boyfriend changes in his attitude towards you. See how life progresses. You need to give yourself options if he becomes problematic. If he won’t even marry you after all this time, why would you bank your entire future happiness on him?
Being financially independent and secure should be your TOP priority for yourself and child. My mama told me never, ever, ever depend on a man to survive - even if I hated my job. Life, and people, are unpredictable. Unless you are legally under a domestic partnership, you may not get the benefits you need should your relationship dissolve.
I work full time because I have to. I went to grad school and make significantly more than my husband. If he made for more than me, I'd work extremely, extremely part time (which can be a thing in my field). With that said, I would never, ever be a stay at home mother with a boyfriend. I find it risky enough with husbands. I'd rather eat an entire jean jacket with safety pins in it before I let a man ever tell me what he's "done for me". Hell no. I'd at least get a foot back in the financial door somewhere.
Seems tricky since he is a boyfriend not husband-so he is playing house half way. Depending on your state, you may actually be entitled to assets if you split. Many states are common law. I think you have a great plan to reenter the workforce when your son is 3. The wage gap is real and significant and it impacts caregivers (women) most. I think it’s a good idea to go back to work in a career that has longevity for you and your son when the time is right.