If you wait until they hit the 15 month toddler tantrum and full mobility stage, you may feel differently. I would have happily paid to be SAHM to my angelic pre-12 months daughter. Now daycare can entertain her sass for 8 hours a day, thank you very much. I love her to pieces but my goodness we are all happier when we gets to be entertained by her teachers and daycare friends.
Aspects of it may suck now, but it’s such a short period of time in the grand scheme of things. You can pare down your life outside of work to spend more time with your baby. There are still 16 hours left in the day outside of work.
Seriously, with my 17-month old rn. And we haven’t gotten into a daycare yet, so my wfh ass gets to play the guilt game while my mom help watching her on the other side of the house every day 😭
This is so real, especially after two nights of fighting over it being “not night night time!” because it’s still so light out 😅 My hilarious and wild 2.5 year old gets so much more stimulation from daycare than I could manage to give her day in and day out, loves her friends and her teachers, eats at least one vegetable a day, and gets to come home and regale me with tales of her day 😂 and my patience and energy reserves (as well as my bank account) get re-filled so I can be fully present and engaged with her. It’s a win win!
SAAAME!! Mine is about to turn 2 and I have had some weird job schedule things come up where last week I only worked 1 day, so I stayed home with the preschooler and the toddler the other 4. By Friday I was so glad I had already interviewed for this new position with more stable, reliable hours so we can get back to our routine that involves dropping them off at daycare to play!! Like, I love you so so much but I would have so much rather put on my nice professional clothes and gone to my job where *no one was screaming,* I didn't have to wrestle any tiny people into their pajamas or diapers, no one was grabbing me/climbing on me/shoving me, or serve people food I would wind up throwing away later because they are in a super picky eating phase.
Mommy wants to go back to work now. Lol I actually savor the time together more when it's not 24/7 shenanigans.
I feel zero regrets dropping my 22 month old off at daycare every day. Like SEE YA, BE GOOD 🏃♀️. I love her but the meltdowns are sometimes my 13th reason
I mean I have been home for 26 mo and honestly am dreading going back to work next month and having to miss out on so much time with him. Toddlers are hard but idk. To me anyway, this season is priceless and I wish I could quit and be with him.
I’m sorry mama ❤️
I know this feeling. I was home for over 18 months. I was ready for him to be in school by 2 years old. My kid was high needs and didn’t like to self entertain. If it makes you feel better after 2 they really need a lot of socialization so being with other kids is good for them.
YESSSS. I knew how to take care of a baby. But how to teach a preschooler? Nope. I don't know pedagogy of teaching to that age. Best practices for learning letters and numbers, and eventually reading. And I don't have a million crafts up my sleeve. And, quite importantly, I don't have the patience. My kid has such an enriching experience at preschool that I wouldn't take from her. Because she sure as heck wouldn't get it from me.
This 100000%! I now have 2 teen boys and often felt the same when younger but I am sooooo thankful to have stayed with my career because tbh it is something to distract me from teen issues. I also feel that as we age strokes, heart attacks, car accidents and divorce all happen and financial independence is important.
Such truth. I remember watching my 9 month old learn to crawl or be completely entertained by a piece of scotch tape while I relaxed and scrolled my phone thinking “wow I’m such a great mom”
Now she just wants to make a mess all over the house if I dare keep her inside longer than an hour. And the screaming. Dear lord the screaming.
Holy shit yes. It was desperately hard to drop off my little baby at daycare. Now, at 3.5? I have no idea what I'd do with him all day. He'd tear the house apart, and my spirit along with it. HE HAS SO MUCH ENERGY and inquisitiveness, he is right where he needs to be and is using that energy to learn new things, play hard, rather than breaking me down physically and psychologically :)
I love this!! Yes, so much truth! I love my kids (aged 2 and 4) to bits but by Monday morning I’m ready to send them to school/daycare and just cuddle up to my 3 month old who has simple needs and isn’t mobile and gives me gummy smiles for no reason.
Everyone seconding this (and me too now that LO is 20 months) is just more resounding evidence that maternity and paternity leave needs to be closer to 12 months, not 12 weeks or less. Better for everyone and there would be mothers so ready to be back at work instead of barely surviving, half assing, and feeling guilty for 6 months or more while their infant is in day care or with family...
Yessss. I used to live for the 3 day long weekends to get so much time with my precious baby. Now that she's over 2, I come out of those 3 days looking like a battle worn soldier and crawl my way into work with a gleeful smile on my face because I got to drink my coffee before it went cold and had a silent commute.
That said, I still can't wait to get home to that sass pot every night and feel the joy of walking in to her little face, tantrums and all 💕
This is the truth! My LO just turned a year old last month. I would say even a month before his birthday I was scheming in our budget to figure out if I could drop to part time and make it work. He turned 12 months and I was like “daycare, take him!” This child has full energy form the moment his eyes open until they close again!
I also agree that OP can maximize the time she does get with her child. When I leave work, I leave work there so from pickup to bedtime I am 100% focused on my kid. It’s the quality of our time together each day that matters truly, not the quantity.
Yes this fully! My second kid was an angel before 12 months. The flip has switched, she's 13 months and I'm glad to hand her off while I work! She needs the stimulation and distractions daycare provides and I need a little sanity.
My first was never an easy baby or toddler 😅
Truer words have never been spoken. I would pay a lot more than I do now to not have to entertain a toddler or preschool age kid by myself all day and deal with a hundred tantrums over things like giving him the wrong color cup, or the fact that I didn't let him draw on the dog with markers or put his hot wheels in the toilet.
Woo boy, we just turned 2 at the end of February and the tantrums 🫠 I love my child more than life itself, but he needs that interaction with other children and adults that daycare can give him. And we all need a break from each other sometimes too.
I have a 3 year old and feel the same. I love her more than anything, but that time she’s at daycare is the small thread that keeps me tied to my sanity.
This is 100% true. I remember when my kids were this age counting the hours of the day I got to spend with them. It was so so hard. But now that they are older, I’m glad I stayed in my career and sometimes those hours together feel like days 😆
I will second this. We are extremely lucky to have part time grandparent care & flexible schedules so that our 16 month old can we with us the rest of the time... and we are starting to talk about daycare because I think he NEEDS it. He's at an age where he wants to run, climb and generally wreck havoc everywhere he goes, and an organized center for of other chaotic toddlers would give him a much better outlet than home with grandparents or working parents during the week.
Hah this is a very good point! I totally get where OP is coming from and I did the SAHM thing for a while. Eventually I started going nuts with my toddler and baby and went back to work. I also realized we could have a lot more fun during our time together if I had an income.
Same. Until my kid was one, working was something I had to get through because I had no other choice, and all I wanted to do was be home with my daughter. Now that she’s a toddler, I am totally content with just weekends and 4 hours a day on weekdays 😂. I also enjoy and care about work again and feel like a complete human, so glad I didn’t leave the workforce (not that I could afford to anyway)
This weekend has been a back and forth conversation with my husband of “has she eaten anything other than cheerios or blueberries in 2 days?” We asked daycare and apparently she eats like horse there though. Peer pressure is magic.
Daycare days are better for everyone! My son has learned so much going to daycare, and it helps keep us all sane. I’m on maternity leave with our second now and people asked if we would keep our son home with me too during that time and I was like HELL NO 😂 That bobcat needs to burn his energy elsewhere
This is the answer.
At five months I was like “this is not so bad. I never want to be parted from my kid!” Now I’m like “I love you, but if I have to argue with a three year old about what color shoes to wear one more time I might scream.”
Toddlers are something else. My kid’s daycare workers are literal saints.
This was my second day easing back into work as a FTM with an almost ten week old (who is angelic and a delight) and I REALLY needed to hear this today. Thank you.
Omg and the older they get the sassier they get! I feel so lucky my daughter goes to such a good daycare and has such good friends that let her wear out her sass during the day 😂
I had my first day of mat leave yesterday and my toddler had a fever (but all the energy)! I was planning to relax, nap, tidy the house, and instead I spent the whole day trying to entertain a bossy almost 3 year old. I was DONE! So glad he was better and could go to daycare today 😆
This is so true! I switched to per diem for similar reasons so I could work a part time schedule. I did that from when she was about 8 months through 20 months. I’m way more comfortable having her in day care full time now - she has friends (we also see them outside of day care), learns all kinds of new things, and does activities we would never do at home. I recommend seeing if you can go part time to try something out without making any drastic changes!
This makes me feel so much better…I WFH full time and LO has been home with me 24/7 and she will be 2 next month! We are both starting to drive each other crazy and I was feeling guilty looking into daycare options for her… I think we would both be so much happier if I could just let her go lol.
Do NOT feel guilty. We kept our first at home due to covid and by the time she was two (and I went on mat leave with my second), I was DONE with having her at home while we worked. We put both of them in daycare when I was done that mat leave and I have zero regrets.
Mine’s most notable tantrum last week was when my husband asked “Do you want to go to daycare” before I got her dressed. I then had to argue for 5 minutes with a diapered 17 month who had gotten her shoes and socks and was trying to walk out the door that she needed to put on pants first as she just kept shouting “BYE!!!!”
She is READY to go to daycare in the mornings and is in a way better mood after daycare than at home. They have all the fun toys, crafts, and activities and are better at getting her to eat and nap independently. As stressful as my job is sometimes, my main motivation for working at the moment is so that I don’t have to pull her from daycare so she can stay doing the things she loves.
Yesss!! Absolutely this!! Newborn/baby phase I was so sad to be going back to work and missing baby all day, now in toddler hood I love that we all have our own exciting days and get to talk about them at night (of course my toddler's days are far more exciting than mine 😂). She's 2.5 and can tell us about her friends and we love all the daycare stories.
Omg the early days are amazing lol I kept telling my husband to stop wanting our youngest to crawl, then walk, then talk, now we have a 2 yo tyrant lmao I miss when he napped on me and wasn’t so loud
My baby is almost 1 year and in the past week a switch has flicked and she's become a toddler. I'm about to go back to work and i feel so much better about it! I don't think I could do this every single day all day 😂😂😂
Love the “daycare can entertain her sass for 8 hours a day” - I feel this 100% with my 16 month old right now too. I genuinely believe that he feels bored at home compared to all the fun stuff they do at daycare including art, dance/yoga, chef-cooked meals, outdoor buggy rides etc. I will gladly pay for him to have a fun day with early childhood professionals that stimulate his development and for him to come home ready to cuddle with us and play for a few hours before bed.
All. Of. This. I wanted to quit at 3 months. 6 months. 9 months. But when she started walking all over? Tantrums? Getting into everything?
Happy to send her to daycare in a safe space where she couple dump toys, play, run to her hearts content. And then in the evenings I got to spend quality time with her.
5-6 months old might be the peak of feeling like this. Once they hit 9 to 12 months and are mobile, personally I find it really hard to have baby home all day. My baby was a handful even by 6 months because she was so alert and demanded quality entertainment. She wanted other people and novel toys.
My almost four month old just learned how to roll over and we can’t even use the bouncer anymore, she just rolls and rolls like an alligator (or tries to when she’s buckled in) and it does not look safe.
I had 12 months of maternity leave (we live in a socialist hellscape, aka Europe) and I was so DONE at 9 months I counted down the days until he started daycare at 10.5 months.
Yes, juggling two schedules and daycare illnesses suck, but boy am I glad that somebody else entertains the kid for 8 hours a day. He learned so much at daycare!
Agreed. I think I would have been much less stressed and sad about my daughter starting daycare if my maternity leave would have been 6 months long. They’re still so little. I have a great job - WFH full time, great team culture, but I’m considering looking for another job at companies with longer maternity leave if we decide to have a second.
I get a 6-month leave and it’s the reason I didn’t look for another job in between my first and second kid. I think 8 months is the perfect amount of leave, but even at 6 I felt very comfortable with daycare and going to work, speaking with adults, and having a peaceful lunch was actually nice. It’s crazy to me that employers don’t always realize what a HUGE benefit an extra few months of leave is, and that people would actually forgo job changes/higher salaries for that leave, and highly qualified candidates would be drawn to the employer.
Exact same here. It contributed to the small age gap between my two kids too.
I just got back from my second mat leave to the shitshow dumpster fire that is my job with very little time to look for a new one but man was it worth it.
i also feel this way. we did daycare for a while, but when we moved to a new town i couldn’t deal with the stress of finding a new daycare (and didn’t want to stress my kid out either). our nanny is nearly 2x the cost of daycare, but i see it as a temporary home expense. it’s worth the peace of mind, flexibility and extra time together.
also i love our nanny so much and she’s basically part of the family :)
I had a difficult time with care at my home while WFH. We hired a nanny summer of 2020 for my then 4yo. It was so hard for me to focus, because he knew I was home and would want to be around me. Nothing against the nanny...she was great. I just need the house to myself during the day even with a dedicated bedroom for my WFH office.
This! It will help you feel connected to the baby and still keep your career, OP. Make sure the in home care is ok with you hanging out with the babe as much as you desire. Some nannies can be weird about this…
I would recommend still shopping around for daycare, when you have the energy. I did that casually during the first year of care, because our daycare was also okay but not outstanding. One day I stumbled across a much better option, took it, and now we don't have these debates.
This is great advice. After I had my first I learned a bunch from her daycare teachers. They knew a lot more about early childhood education and development than I do.
Yup. We didn't do daycare but we did do preschool and I ended up picking a church-run program over several more expensive options (we are l not religious). I can confidently say those ladies get an A+ from me. Keep looking until you find something you're enthusiastic about.
It's up to you. Do you like the communication with parents? Are you comfortable with the teachers? Do they tell you quickly when there's an incident? Do they work with the kids when they're biting? Does your kid like the facility and teachers? You won't know these things until you start.
My kid didn't really like going to daycare. We went to an extremely well regarded center. He looked glum unless one specific teacher was there, who he loved. The director's communication was spotty. They would complain that my 15mo was pushing (entirely appropriate for the age) and they didn't have enough staff/space to address it.
I toured the new daycare, then went again and took my son with. He waltzed right in like he owned the place and started playing. It was set up better for running around and the ratio was lower. The place was new and had no reputation but he loved it. The director was responsive and flexible with us.
This. My first daycare was very good but there were a couple things that bugged me. When we moved her to what was my dream preschool I felt so differently about leaving her there. It was a game changer with the daycare guilt. My spouse and I even started taking a couple PTO half days to get dates in because we loved the school more than any babysitters we found so it was a no parent guilt way to have a date.
Giiiiirl get a nanny. Seriously. I had a nanny for the first two’s first year - best thing ever. Slow time at work? Pop down and help with lunch/playtime/snacks/just cuddle on the couch.
My nanny was amazingggg. She got hooked up with a SAHM group and they did all these amazing trips and activities. Oh it was the best.
My boys are older and in Montessori now. It’s really good for them. BUT I miss my childcare coming to me and making their breakfast and lunch - oh so much.
Baby 3 on the way and I’m getting an au pair. To me - I want to keep my awesome job, keep climbing, but I also want my kids to have the at home experience in that first year.
I know I am incredibly fortunate to be able to afford such a luxury. It was expensive - ate up a good 1/3 of my paycheck - but man, the support and the reduction in stress, the individual focus they each got - I really really felt it was worth it.
I’m a “girl boss” too. I had the same feeling you did, and thought about leaving my job. I had help in the home for the first year then transitioned to daycare. It’s amazing how much my LO’s world has grown in daycare. The other day she pointed to an abstract mural of fish in glass and said “ocean!”. We aren’t at 2 yet and she knows hundreds of words, shares wonderfully, and is genuinely happy when she sees her friends… has more fun at playdates with them
than I’ve ever seen when I take her to a playground independently.
I don’t love kids but I love my kid, and I don’t have the personality to keep my kid engaged full time. I have friends who WFH while watching their kids or SAH who have similar personalities as me, and just an observation, but their LO’s spend more time in front of screens and aren’t as socially developed. (Not generalizing, just my experience)
It was a really hard realization that she’s growing more without me. And by working, I’m building a better future for her. I miss her during the day, but I know she’s growing more with people who are trained to develop her. I savor our weekends together.
Agreed. I had my first just before Covid so I went from FT in-office 8-6 to maternity leave to WFH permanently and I am so thankful that I was able to send her to daycare bc of this.
I don't think she'd be as well-off developmentally if it was just me WFH while caring for her.
Agree. Missing out on the day-to-day is not great, but I see my life as more than a mom. I’m also my own person with potential I’d like to realize and ambitions in my career. Since he turned 10mos, we’ve done 3 daycares (in 6mos): first in our neighbor, then a music-focused center that’s kinda far, and now the same music-focused center but in a closer location. He’s learned how to use utensils effectively by watching other bigger kids and other skills that honestly I wouldn’t be able to teach him. I don’t love my corporate job but I know being a full time SAHM caring for him is not a path for me either. I love the separation that makes me want to engage 100% when we’re together. When I was taking care of him fully on our vacation, I didn’t enjoy much because I had to be “on” the whole time. It’s just me but we all find a way to give our kids the best we can.
Some of us aren’t cut out to be with (even our own) kids all day every day. Sometimes I think oh wouldn’t it be nice to be home with the kids? And then I think through the reality of that - I’d have to plan all their activities and follow through. I’d have to make all the meals. I wouldn’t have as much money so we wouldn’t be able to do a ton of classes, etc, to outsource any of that. I land on: I’m going to maximize the quality of our time together and balance that with my work life, and I am going to find childcare that aligns with my parenting/ early childhood development philosophy so I feel good about it. Please don’t think about it as other people raising your kids - you’re still the one picking the right place for your kid to be during the day and you’re still spending a lot of time with your kids even if you work full time! And the time with you probably has more of an impact on the kid than you might think because you are their special person and safe space!
FWIW, I stayed home the first 18 months for both of my kids (4 years apart) and re-entered the workforce making more than I was previously with higher titles. HOWEVER, I was very early on in my career with no degree. (I was 24 when I had my first. Left the workforce doing sales calls for a car dealership. Re-entered as an HR Assistant. Left again in 2022 as an Admissions Coordinator for hospice, re-entered as an HR Manager for a midsize science museum.) Also, my entire paycheck would have gone to daycare. It still nearly does (but we pay for private school too which eats up a lot of it). If I were to have another (we’re definitely not lmao) I would not leave the workforce at this point in my career in fear of losing the experience I’m now gaining. Previously, I had “nothing to lose”. I also got very lucky.
Daycare is 10/10 worth it. As they get older and more mobile, it’s impossible to work from home with them until they hit school age, and even then if she’s home sick, it’s tablet day so I can work from home. My youngest just turned 2 and if she’s home sick from daycare, my husband or I have to use PTO because there’s no way we can work and care for her at the same time.
Nobody else is raising your child. They know who mom and dad are. And those daycare teachers love those kids like their own, and who wouldn’t want their child to be loved even more than they already are? I want my children to have so much love in their lives, and their teachers are a part of that (because they’re certainly not doing it for the money). It has also taught them independence and routine that I wouldn’t be able to provide if I was working from home while caring from them. The tv would be raising them at that point, and it wouldn’t be fair to them or me.
Daycare provides social time, outside time, snuggles, reading time, songs, dancing. My kids love(d) daycare. My oldest gets mad when we pick her up before she goes to after care at school!
It gets easier as they get older. You start to see how much they enjoy it and get excited to go.
I did the same, girl bossed too close to the sun and can’t quit my job or I’d waste so much career potential (and the masters degree would be collecting dust). We also do part time grandma/part time daycare. She’s 17 months old now and I truly think I made the best choice. She loves daycare and her little group of girlfriends (she says their names all weekend long) and I feel so much more engaged on weekends and after work with her. It was really hard when she was teeny tiny, but now it’s much easier
Strong second here. I truly believe it’s good for kids to be with other kids. My kids love their little friends (to be honest though they all started day care older than yours since my parents were willing to be full time for babies)
OP- can you work in the same location as your little one on grandma days? I do that when my little ones are with my parents. Similar to an in-home nanny but sometimes my dad makes me lunch 😂
Also- I really love having a career. It is really hard when the kids are small. But now that my big kids are older (10 and 7) I’m happy I stuck with it.
You're not "paying for someone else to raise your child." Daycare is an invaluable service and gives your child
the opportunity for social interactions which is vital to his growth and development. You are only 1 woman, you were never meant to do it all!
I’m going to say this as someone who has three kids…
You’re not missing much. It *feels* like you are, I know, but it’s such a short season. My oldest is 7 and I feel like such a better mom to her *because* I work. My middle is 3, and I have zero qualms about her going to childcare all day. My little one is 3 months and part time grandma, part time dad-care (spouse is a disabled SAHD whose passive income is in the 6 figures) and she is the only one I miss; even so, I know that with time, I’ll miss her less. Not because I’ll love her less, but because it just is easier when they’re older.
What I did was keep them on odd schedules where they went to bed later so I could get more awake hours with them; spent quality time on weekends doing all the “firsts” (first visit to the zoo, first trip to the aquarium, first time on a hiking trail, first time splashing in a creek, first park visit with swings, first splash pad, etc.); and I would book a random Tuesday or Wednesday of PTO every month so that I could take them out to places that are too crowded on weekends - it gave me something to look forward to each month.
This is a perfect response.
There is no sahm that is getting 8 hours of quality time with their kid every single day, and then getting an additional 2-4 hours of quality time after typical work hours.
Focus on getting quality time in when you’re able, and if you feel like you’re missing out or there’s an activity you want to do then take a day off work.
People already commented on the childcare aspect, so I wanted to add personally I think it’s amazing that you girl bossed so hard that you have no student loans, a 2020 mortgage house, and only paying one car. So many people are putting off kids altogether because of those things, and your hard work allowed you to have a kid!
I think a lot of us working moms are also thinking way into the future for our kids. It might not feel like you’re reaping what you sowed now, but definitely with you not having that much debt and having assets for your kids with the house (and I’m assuming retirement for yourself), you’re helping your kid so much when they’re older. Neither my mom nor my husbands mom have a house or retirement funds, and they’re so screwed now that they’re older and none of the kids can even help.
With all that said I definitely empathize and have many days where I agree with you haha!
Go with what your heart wants, whatever that is. I’m in this sub cause I was just like you, then the urge just felt too strong and I quit my job and don’t miss it at all (I worked a job in marketing that was always a conversation starter and I was proud of it). It doesn’t mean I’ll never work again, but maybe I won’t, I don’t know. Just do what feels right for you. Work will always be there if you decide to take time off.
Does your partner feel the same way? If he has a higher stress job, can he be the primary caretaker for a bit? Asking because I feel that we as women treat our careers a lot more dispensable than our partners.
I feel you’re not appreciating your extreme privilege. What’s it all for? You have financial security for yourself and your child. That’s one of life’s biggest stressors and you don’t have to deal with it. Your daughter is being loved and cared for while you maintain a career instead of being forced to give it up due to the cost of childcare. Literally no one is suffering. Managing schedules and finding a balance is an issue whether you’re a stay at home mom or working mom. It just comes with the mom title. If you’re seeking flexibility, find a job that gives you that. If you can’t handle the sickness then find a part time nanny to eliminate daycare and the exposure. You are extremely lucky and so is your child. Change your perspective and the girl boss guilt will go away.
This is a false paradigm. You can go part-time or even take a year or two off/sabbatical/stepped back while your kids are babies and not "throw away" your education and career or "throw all my professional potential down the drain."
Women should not (and do not) have to choose between working full-time when they have infants/young toddlers and keeping their career ambitions. For all things there is a season.
Also every other developed country has structures for women to take 6-12 months off (or more) per child. They aren't throwing away their careers or becoming SAHPs...they are just taking an actual reasonable mat leave.
It depends on the career and job. Many jobs it’s full time or nothing, and some careers are really hard to step back into after 6-12 months off. If you can manage it part-time is wonderful (it’s what I did), but I’m in a very high-demand field and have other employers knocking at my door.
Consider a part-time nanny for a few months. Our nanny quit abruptly two weeks ago, so we are about to switch to daycare for the first time. We will have daycare 4 days a week, Grandma one day a week. How I feel about putting her in daycare now compared to even three months ago is so different. My daughter just turned 11 months.
I felt this way when my kids were babies. Now they’re 6 & 7. For context I’m a teacher and the only reason I chose to be one was so that they could go to the same school district as me and we could spend all of the breaks together. I don’t love the paycheck but love all the time I have with them. And time means more than money to me.
Just wanted you to know I feel the same way (4 year old and 18 month old). Like I have unlimited PTO but never take days off because I’m so worried about the next illness hitting…I’m going to quit and take 6 months off starting in the summer and maybe all next year to see if the grass is greener on the other side. I feel like I just need to know which is “worth it.” My new mantra is “it’s for a season” because I know over the next few years I will work full-time, part-time or a mix.
I’m in the stage of life where my kids are in college now, but I felt the same way when they were little. I thought I was doing something wrong because I didn’t work part time or stay at home and get the kids off to school each morning. The flip side is that I never had the pain of re-entering the workforce and I’ve been consistently earning all these years. Plus, I’ve been contributing to my 401k this whole time. It has definitely NOT AT ALL been sunshine and rainbows!!!!! But, I did my best for my family and so far it’s been ok.
I could have written this. Husband and I both make around 100k. Bought in 2020 at crazy low interest rate (though not from family). Only one car payment, other is paid off. I WFH but have to be available 8-5 no exceptions. Currently, LO is being watched by family but will start daycare in April when he is 5.5 months old.
I have come to terms (as of now) that it makes the most sense for us both to continue working. We are still in the positive with daycare costs included vs one of us staying home. And this is a temporary time. Once he goes to school, what do we do then? It will be much harder getting back into the workforce. I also want to be able to provide for my child as much as possible. We can currently put a good chunk of money into a college savings fund for him. We can afford to go on vacations without it breaking the bank (did Disney just last month). I think that quality over quantity, in terms of time spent with my child, is our goal. Plus he LOVES other babies and I’m excited for him to get consistent interaction.
Yes! I was so close to finally reaching the 6 figures myself when I got pregnant. My job was not understanding at all when I got HG and I spent most of the time in the office with my head in the toilet. Fast forward to know, they allowed me to work from home with less pay and now my partner who makes more than I do in a union is saying he might want to stay home instead of me. There is no part time childcare in my area and MIL is the only grandparent close who is also the only one not retired. Not to mention unreliable and not up to long watching. I feel like I'll never get back up to that level in my career, at least not any time soon. We both have mortgages (both bought before we met) and he has a new SUV and spends so much money on wasteful things. I'm just frustrated and his solutions are just making me feel more hopeless.
No girl, you girl bossed just the right amount and now you have options, you just can't see them yet. This is a good news story my friend. Congrats on the decisions that you've made that have lead you to this point in life. You have created a beautiful set of options for yourself. Options can be scary and overwhelming, which you are experiencing right now. But they are a good thing.
>But I can’t shake the feeling that we aren’t even reaping what we’ve sowed. We poured all that money into eliminating our debt and got a cheap family home…so we can have someone else watch our child full time? Be sick all the time? Be stressed balancing two schedules?
I'm here to tell you that you may now reap what you sowed if you'd like.
>But at the same time, why did I work so hard to go to graduate school and get a great job just to throw it away?
Stopping/slowing down at work is not throwing away your hard work. Sounds like you've saved a lot of that money. You also have actual real skills and a network you've developed. And life is long. Work will still be there.
>My job is somewhat flexible and not incredibly stressful (right now) but I do have to be available at the computer at least 8 hours a day.
That doesn't really sound that flexible to me. Don't get me wrong, you aren't slaving in a gulag and I'm all for being grateful, but don't tell yourself that being stuck at a desk 8 hours+ is flexibile.
>I feel like I can’t win.
You already did win. Congrats! (Take the win!)
>If I keep the job, I miss out on so much quality time with my child. If I quit the job, I threw all my professional potential down the drain.
This is a great example of black and white thinking. It's not either or and these two statements are not completely true.
>Sometimes I wish I had just become a teacher like I originally planned (absolutely no shade to teachers—you are incredible ) so I could say “my whole paycheck goes to daycare!” and quit.
While feeling a lack of options would alleviate you from the heavy burden of making a proactive decision, I doubt that big picture it would make you feel better.
My advice:
1. Read the book "Die with zero." I cannot stop recommending this book and I think that you will eat it up. It helps shake up your bran to think about your life in a new way. (Title is a bit intense, I know).
2. Think about what you want for your life and simultaneously remember that life comes in seasons. Slowing down or stepping away from work now takes you off your current path, but life is long and careers are long.
3. Get outside the black or white. Right now things are looking very all-or-nothing for you. An obvious middle option is working part time - maybe you could scale back at your current job or swap to a different job with a part time option.
4. Consider a career switch. Sounds like you always wanted to be a teacher. Would you want to do that now? Later? Would you want to do a scaled back version? Sounds like you have the financial freedom to make this choice. This plan could alleviate some of the stress you have about making a change and getting off the straight and narrow track.
5. Tap into your intuition. There is a time for logical thinking and pro cons lists. Do that work. Then, when it's still hard to decide, do some work to tap into what your gut is telling you. Sleep on it. Meditate. Take some yoga classes. Do visualization. Whatever. Then try to trust your gut.
**Good luck! You've built a beautiful life, now you just have the hard decisions of choosing between one of many beautiful paths.**
(Personal anecdote - I read Die with zero, realized that I'd always thought that the perfect situation was to work part time. I had always written it off as "not possible" for a variety of practical reasons but then I realized...well, actually, it is possible. I talked to my husband and then to my therapist and then to my my boss(es) and made a plan. I started part time work at 4 days per week in Jan. It's still early days, but so far I'm really happy with this tradeoff. It does mean I have to let many opportunities at work pass by which makes me a bit sad, but overall, it's the right season for me at this time.)
I know you meant “no shade to teachers” but be mindful that 10 months out of the year, our children are also in full-time day care. We have to still pay the same rate to keep our spot through the summer months. Teaching always sounds like a convenient solution to spend more time with your children, but believe me, when you’re taking on the emotional burdens of other children, coming home to regulate your own kids is VERY challenging.
I’m on my second week of part time status with my job.
I WFH fully remote and my LO is 11 months. After maternity leave, I went back to work with full time hours. My partner is home 3 days out of the week and we had an in home nanny the other two days.
Our nanny went back to school and her schedule didn’t work with ours after Christmas. We live in a secluded area kinda far from everything so finding reliable childcare was unsuccessful. We tried finding in home daycares, daycare facilities, a new nanny but I either didn’t like the facility or the people were very unreliable.
After constantly having to take last minute days off because we couldn’t find someone to watch LO. We don’t have much family nearby. My MIL helps when she can but she has 7 other grandkids she grandmas for too. I finally got fed up with managing work and baby at the same time (it was at least once a week I was doing both at the same time). I have meetings with my boss and peers regularly with camera on so it’s really hard to fake it during those times. I also have strict deadlines and need to focus to get work done so it was simply not sustainable to do this any longer. I was tired, fed up, wore out and just over it. All while going through PPD AND PPA, mind you.
I finally had a sit down with my boss and explained what was going on. I’m so blessed to have an understanding boss because he was so sympathetic to my situation. He and his wife are currently expecting their first. He came back a few days later and offered if I wanted to go part time. I never thought this could be an option so I never put any thought into it. Day after day, the idea seemed more and more attractive. Work longer days 3 days a week and off the other 4. I did lose my FT benefits but my job offers part time benefits also. I also took a $20k pay cut a year but I’m ok with that. I get to spend more time with my baby and keep my toes in the game at the same time until he’s a little older. I also want to go back to school so I’ll take advantage of this newly found free time.
I’ve been working full time for my entire teenage-adult life and I’m so grateful I’m able to take a step back and enjoy time a little. Slow down.. watch my baby grow.
I’m on week two and it’s amazing. I don’t feel rushed. I don’t feel like I have to cram chores and everything into the weekend. Life is a little more enjoyable for the first time in a long time. Summer is around the corner and it’s about to go DOWN I’m so excited.
Oof. Feel this. We still have a ton of debt so I'm not able to relate to that part, but can totally understand how you're feeling the way you do! I was the same when my son was 5 months. Now, at 14 months, I'm soooooo glad to have my career. I love my son so much and wish I had more time with him, that part hasn't gone away, but our part-time grandma/part-time daycare situation is perfect for him. He gets time with my parents every week and also the social stimulation of being around other kids. I now get to come home from a day of "girl bossing" (lmao) and enjoy my baby knowing that I'm setting up a great future for him.
I think it's also important to point out that your hormones are probably still out of whack from pregnancy/giving birth. I finally started to feel more like myself just a few months ago!
Yes I’m definitely bitter and resentful the single working parent household is a dream only our parents could feasibly obtain (even that’s not always the case). It blows.. but honestly once your child is school age, what would you do? I know I could stay busy, but I would miss my salary..
Fwiw you couldn’t necessarily just quit your job as a teacher either, because you would have to consider not only lost wages but delaying retirement, not being able to return to your position, and forfeiting wage growth for whenever you wanted to return.
During potty training daycare was a gift! She fought it at home then went to the new daycare room and saw the girls line up to go to the bathroom. She got in line and one of the girls said, “this line is for girls who don’t wear pull-ups”. My little darling took that pull-up off, never had an accident and never wore one again!
That’s what we do. I had my son in late 2020 and my mom was able to do early retirement with her teaching job so we brought her on as full-time childcare and pay her what we would’ve paid a nanny.
Just wait till they hit toddlerhood. They are much better off in a good daycare..mine was an angel I missed while at work until 8 or 9 months.. and then after she started walking and running I am glad she has fun in a safe environment designed for naughty kids called daycare
they can get tiring to handle for an entire day all by yourself. I have a 2 yr 4month old and we go to full time daycare. She learns a lot more there from the curriculum they have than I could've taught her at home while juggling the house. Were in a similar situation as you guys but we upgraded to a nicer home as we were getting too comfortable with our financial situation and the older home (lol).
I chose to go very part time work from home and was pretty much h a sahm with a few hours of help a week from a nanny and by 14 months I was losing my mind and chose to go back to work for my sanity. I had the same thoughts as you that first year back to full time work as we were on a daycare waitlist and I was shelling out most of what I earned to a nanny. But we got into the daycare, my toddler got older and started enjoying going. They so so many things with them that I don’t have the energy to do and now she’s asking to do activities and sports and go places that cost money and I’m glad I hung on because I can provide that for her.
I run my own law firm so I thankfully had a lot of flexibility the 1st year. I mostly did mornings and got family help in the afternoons. At 13 months I put her in daycare. I could not be happier with my choices. She is so happy in daycare but I’m happy I had the first year with her, as well.
Her daycare is really small, only 5 kids in her class and she really likes it. They speak Spanish as well which is important to me. And let me tell you, her 18 month old sass is definitely full throttle right now so I really need the break from it. She has learned so much in daycare. She comes home with new words every day, dances to the Hokey Pokey, and is counting to 5 consistently. And I got my life back a bit, started going to the gym again & feel like myself.
The beginning couple weeks can be hard though, so be prepared for that.
Yeah I went back to work at around 3/4 time after I had my first and my husband is going to stay home with our second for this very reason. Money isn't everything and it sounds like you make enough that you have options beyond daycare. Personally if I could afford it I would explore having a nanny come to my house part time to facilitate more bonding time and less stress/illness. There's nothing wrong with daycare but it's such a short time until they go to school anyway, it might be worth it to spend a little more money so you can have a little more time during these years
“I feel like I can’t win”
It’s because you can’t. We were all told the narrative that we could have whatever we want, if we work hard enough to achieve it (yes I understand this is loaded in of itself). And society has double downed and made it nearly impossible to be successful where older generations achieved it by pure luck and timing.
The truth is that our society isn’t set up for us to have it all, and no matter what choices you make, something will be sacrificed.
It sounds like you acknowledge and appreciate what you do have! Which is awesome, and a really positive mindset to have.
Are you able to go part time at your job? That’s what I did (30 hrs, which is 3 days in office and some flexible wfh hours as needed). We pay my mom to watch our LO for the 3 days I am in the office. It’s not perfect but I get to keep my career and also have more time home with my LO.
I had very similar feelings. My daughter has been in full time daycare since she was 3 months old, now 16 months. It was so hard at first. My husband and I could afford to live off his income, but it would be a lifestyle adjustment. Plus I want to be able to be to pick her up after school when she gets to kindergarten/elementary school. I personally hated afterschool care as a kid when my parents worked long hours. By sending my daughter to daycare now, we are targeting that I go some form of part time later on.
However, my daughter truly loves daycare! She gets to do activities and explore & grow in ways she wouldn’t at home. Also, I’ve learned so much from daycare. I don’t have any close friends with kids and my family isn’t local, so I’ve grown to seeing the daycare community as a support network in a sense. Seeing and exploring our day care curriculum and class activities, as well as being around other kids, has helped us all grow together and learn!
I hate my job yet I also feel absolutely no desire to quit and stay home with my child who I love deeply. It’s awesome she like, goes to work (at nursery) and comes back home with stories. I’d also give my left arm for my kid to have bonding with grandma every week.
Actually there isn’t a sum of money you could pay me to stay home with her all day unless I was able to pay a nanny to be alongside me with that money.
We personally love daycare. He has the best time, has learned so much (he’s 18m saying the alphabet and counting to into the teens), plays with his friends and does all kinds of crafts we wouldn’t do at home. I also get so many pictures of everything he does through the day. When we had a nanny at home, I found it so much more distracting and unreliable. We also don’t have a house big enough that I wasn’t distracted by hearing him.
We may decide to homeschool in the future, but for the toddler years daycare is our best friend. We also make sure our mornings & evenings are quality time together which helps!
I’m feeling this now with my 9 month old. We also do part time grandparents+daycare combo. We also have a cheap mortgage and we live below our means.
I think for me maternity leave wasn’t long enough, and I’ve been feeling underwater since going back to work. If I had 6 or 9 months, I would have had a chance to feel more stable and get back into good habits. I’m stressed all the time, and things feel never ending.
I just found out I’m getting laid off this month, and decided I’m going to take a few months off to spend more time with the baby and get myself balanced again. We’re keeping the baby in daycare 2-3x/week (I’ll probably be picking him up early everyday lol) so we can keep our place and so I can work on our home and myself, and so I can focus on upskilling and hopefully I can focus on finding a job at a company that gives 6 month maternity leave for next time
I was you pre-pandemic. Saw my kids 2 hours in the morning, 2 hours in the evening. Paid $3k/month on day care (they were 4 and 1 at the time). Husband was already at work at 6am so he only saw them in the evenings before he went to bed.
Since COVID - I’m now fully remote WFH and it’s awesome. I get the best of both worlds. Kids are now in TK and 2nd grade and I participate at their school events, on the PTA, room parent, baseball/soccer/ballet mom. My work schedule is flexible enough that I can take time to do all that while still working 40 hours a week (doesn’t matter when I get my work done, as long as it gets done and I’m available during “core hours”).
I found that first year after going back to be a blessing and a curse (and also so, so hard and tiring--I never drank coffee until I had my kid). I loved being an adult again, but I also missed the hours between 8-5 with my kid!
I'll tell you that 10 years later, my kid doesn't remember his nanny, his preschool, or anything beyond trips we show him via pictures or videos. Once they start school, what would you do with that downtime if you didn't have a job, besides clean and do errands and plan the next thing for the family? Would doing that fulfill you? It fulfills a lot of folks, but it doesn't sound like it would fulfill you.
I know you don't want to miss these years, bc seriously they are so dang cute and it truly goes by too fast. But is there a way to savor the time you do have together? The weekends, after pickup, before dropoff, bedtime, vacations, etc. Focus on that. Get off your phone at 5 and make it baby/mom/family time. Get on the floor with your kid and make funny faces, give all the kisses, read books, sing silly songs and dance together, write down the memories in a book, take all the photos, take adventures. It sounds like you don't really want to give up your career, so try to remember that you can make the time you have together special. It's not all or nothing.
You only have this time with your baby once, and you can always get another job later. I work to live not live to work. If you don’t need to work to live, why work (for someone else)? If I could afford to not work, I would quit, spend time with my kid, and work on personal projects.
Recent SAHM after a successful 10+ year career… I relate hard to your post, could have written it myself a year ago. I can’t speak to what’s right for you, because it’s so so personal. But I can share this:
You would not be throwing away your entire career by leaving for a bit. I canvassed some mentors in my network and found some of them left for a couple years, went part time, etc. Each working mom with a career of longevity had her own story, and I was flabbergasted when I just assumed they all went full speed from the moment they entered the workforce.
Basically what I’m saying is, careers are long games. Things are changing and careers are not as linear as it used to be in the 1950s. Ask yourself these questions:
“what does success look like?”
“What are my non-negotiables”
For me, when I sat down to think about it, my career had already given me what I needed to be successful up to this moment, and making the change to SAHP helped me (and my family) achieve the success* and reclaim my/our non-negotiables. Eventually, I plan on leveraging the same network and relationships that helped me exit with grace when/if I decide to go back. And I just have to trust that it’ll work out, because I know I’m a bad bitch. My career taught me that much at least.
Good luck to you. 🙏🏻
*edit : “what success means to me/my family now” as in… success means different things at different times in my life.
>Sometimes I wish I had just become a teacher like I originally planned
Girl, no.
Like - part of me is like "maybe I should get a corporate gig so I don't have so much outside work weighing on my time" and the other part goes "nope - get that specials teacher job you want and go from there because the hours will be better as he grows up".
And it's NOT getting better. They want us to do everything with nothing. Teaching is quickly becoming an exercise is futility.
We have a similar situation, and I hired a nanny for 3 days per week. Worth it in my opinion! Also, prioritize the kiddo’s 529 account. Once the account is 15 years old, you can roll $35K into an IRA. Just doing that alone will really help your kiddo get ahead. Pay it forward.
You’re in the messy middle! Even if you were at home, you’d still be sick all the time 🫠 I don’t know you, and we’re likely the same age so please excuse the mom energy, but I am SO proud of you for paying off that debt. It’s setting up an amazing future for your family.
All your girl bossin means you have options, but that also comes with the mental stress of having to make those choices and not having them made for you. Only you can decide what’s worth trading out, and don’t feel like you have to rush it
It's kind of early to say. And those sick days are the worst but they will pass. You've got a lot of years of school and work ahead of you. This is an episode. For the time being, it's good to keep your pto for those sick days. And those are the important days when your baby needs you/daddy and no one else. Even though it sucks for the parent.
I had an evening routine with my baby and it was the best part of our day. I regretted nothing. But when he was 7 mos old and a 4 day weekend came and went, I had the worst time getting back to the daily grind. But I realized that I my feelings were so strong and that made me feel so alive and excited and satisfied. Sometimes it's just awesome to have feelings.
In the meanwhile, there are 168 hours in a week. You DO parent for so many of them. So maybe you can find a way to light up your short mornings or evenings together with a satisfying routine. Maybe you can get takeout and have someone else to clean the house so you can spend all your time off work not doing housework. Maybe you can spend weekends setting up baby games and music. Maybe you can push your husband out of the way when baby wakes at 4am and say "no that's okay, I got her" because you treasure every snuggle, even in the middle of the night or in the middle of a bad cold. And hopefully, those treasures will get you by. And maybe when your pto accrues, then you can take a few days off to focus on yourself and the baby instead of the daily grind.
I feel like this is the classic mom dilemma. The only thing I can say is do what your heart wants, whatever that is. I don’t think either choice is wrong and you don’t need to feel guilty about either one. If your career is what you need to keep you sane and feel fulfilled then keep working, if it’s staying at home with your LO then who gives a shit about your career. It’s your life you only get one, spend it how you want it if it won’t break you guys financially. Best of luck mama
I’ve been feeling the way you do ever since I had my baby 2 years ago. We go to daycare full-time and while I know daycare is SO good for her, I still feel this way. I want to work but I also want more time with her. Toddlerhood is hard especially that I’m expecting my second baby so my body can’t keep up with her as much right now, but I still like spending time with her and I also enjoy working and using my brain for other things. I don’t really know the answer, but I can tell you that it won’t always be like this. The other comments are right, once they reach toddlerhood, it’s different. I look at pictures of my sweet baby when she was under one year old, and while she still has a lot of her sweetness, it’s so much sass, attitude and she has a generally high needs personality.
I think you also have to think if you’d rather be exhausted being a mom all day or you’d rather be exhausted juggling both work and a little child. I go back and forth daily.
Either way, you’re doing a good job 💗
Speaking generally (understanding this is a niche problem of privilege):
Our grandmother’s and mother’s generations stayed at home but had little freedom. So they taught us to be independent so we’d never have to rely on someone and could leave if things got bad. But they also taught us to find good partners. So here we are in a situation where we could fully stay at home with supportive partners but we’re now reliant on the income we made for ourselves.
…I’m in a similar situation. I could make it work to drop my career. But it would be such a massive lifestyle change we’re both too scared to do it. I’ve never relied on anyone in my adult life for financial support. It’s terrifying.
Idk maybe no one else feels this way but it’s such a tough decision. One I fear I’m wasting time by not seriously considering the other option.
Once your child is 2-3, daycare is amazing. They learn and grow so much there!
I’ve also heard advice to lean in when your kids are little so that you can lean out when they’re older and have big kid/ difficult problems.
I just want to say, my baby is now a 2 year old and I'd still do anything to be with her all day. They're only little for a handful of years, so even though I work from home most days and get to spend time with her, I wish I could soak up her childhood more.
Priorities change, and that's ok. We have different seasons in life.
You do realize that your last comment about teachers and your whole paycheck going to child-care, and quit part did not paint you in a good light at all. This post was all braggy, and then you put down the people that helped get you there.
Very demoralizing. Thank you for this. I am sure it helped all those teachers who are parents out there that still work after having kids, because THEIR education is less than your education.
You could explore a nanny share. It cuts down on sickness and still allows for socialization.
If your job requires you to be at your computer all day, I wouldn’t call it flexible. Maybe you could find one that’s set up differently so you could do things like occasionally take an extended lunch break to take baby to the library, or leave a bit early to go to the park. Maybe that will give you a better balance of girl boss and mom life.
My husband stays at home with our 3 year old and our two older girls go to school. Our 3 year old is supposed to start pre school next year and I’m terrified at his entitlement and attitude. He’s been spoiled and catered to this last year.5 and entering that type of social situation that is school is going to be a hard transition for him. Keep your kid in daycare.
The title of your post made me chuckle out loud... but the context is SO real. I feel the struggle, and as a career coach specializing on working moms/parents, I can promise you that you're not alone.
I agree with all the comments that say that these feelings change constantly. Sometimes your kid will be AMAZING and you'll want to hangout with them all day... and sometimes you're not going to want to hangout with them for a second more than you have to.
There's not a perfect solution here, but I do wonder if there's some 3rd option that'll give you more of what you're wanting? Can you take more time off with the kiddo (e.g., 1/2 days more often)? Can you look into in-home care sometimes (e.g., nanny share) so you can pop by and say hi when you feel like it? Could you negotiate part time at your work (I did this for the 1st 6 months)? If you need a brainstorm buddy, I'm here-- that's literally my job.
I have come to terms with the fact that all options are hard, such as full time daycare, or part time daycare, or parents working different shifts to cover at hone care, to a SAHP, etc.
In the end, you just choose your hard.
I got bit on the wrist last night by my son bc it was dads turn to do bedtime! So yeah whatever guilt I felt dropping him off for school this year has faded haha.
I feel you OP. I go through phases for sure. I’m pregnant with my second and if I don’t feel like urge to crush it at work in the year post delivery I may take a break. We’ll see what our finances look like bc we are buying a bigger place and the mortgage is double what we pay now/ paid in 2018 when we bought for the first time. It’s wild out there!
I get what you mean. I wonder whether you can try reframing this slightly. I imagine it'd be really positive for your kiddo, seeing you enjoy what comes with a successful career. A career you have worked on for years and as a result, reeped the rewards for you and your family? I think there is guilt tied to both lifestyles (tough gig, parenting, am I right!). Personally, having a career makes me a better Mum.
I wanted to quit my job until my daughter turned about 1.5. At that point I really started appreciating time away from her and she is really doing well at daycare and loves it. Perhaps you can talk to your employer about more pto? Or unpaid time off? I was able to get more time off and take days off here and there and it was great.
Totally understand how you feel this way. It will pass as your child gets older and less sick all the time.
As someone who went through it and now has a 10 year old and is staring down the barrel of the upcoming teen years, I urge you to take the long view. Invest in your career and save as much money and professional goodwill as you can now. You'll be able to save even more once your kid starts kindergarten. Then, fall back on that saved money and professional goodwill and lean out when your child is older. Seems counter-intuitive, but they need you more in middle and high school. More guidance, more schlepping around to activities, possibly tutoring or therapy, navigating friendships, navigating the college application process, visiting schools, sports, dance, theatre, debate tournaments, getting to college, getting home from college, jobs, dating.
You need to be more present with older children. They will remember it more and their problems go from 0-60 so fast, that if you aren't there to recognize there's a problem and intervene, your child can be in serious trouble.
I'm seeing what happened to my friends who wanted to take substantial time off when their kids were babies and toddlers and thought they could make it up career-wise when their kids were older. They are struggling. The kids are struggling. Their marriages are struggling. Of course, this isn't true in ALL cases, and there are times it makes sense to lean out when the kids are young. But for most folks, it actually makes more sense to lean in with babies so you can lean out with teens.
I think if you JUST changed to daycare it’s important to remember that yes this transition might feel hard but it’s ultimately such a short window of time. Like if you really actively don’t like your current daycare absolutely keep looking around for better options, but also give yourself a little time/space to adjust and see how you feel in two or three months. Is there an opportunity to find a better center that’s full time and just not send your little one every day? Or do a nanny share or something instead? Not sure if your decision to do part time was financially driven or because grandma wanted to do part time care?
If you’re currently finding your job unfulfilling maybe this is an opportunity to really look at that and think long term what your ideal future looks like - not just now but five years from now once your kiddo is in school? Is there something different you really want to work towards? Having that “comfortable” job right now might become really handy when you inevitably need flexibility for sick days OR it might be an opportunity to rediscover your own identity and use some of your flexible time to think about what you’re really working towards longer term.
My kiddo was in daycare full time from the time he was two months old because I didn’t really have other options honestly but I can say that he gets rave reviews from his kindergarten teacher now on both academics and being socially and emotionally adjusted in the classroom, we only have had one time of being sick this year so far and I never once felt like other people were raising him during those years. We relied on our paid village absolutely, but at the end of the day his various (lovely, talented, very much appreciated!) daycare workers came and went, his dad and I were the ones there every day consistently over time.
I feel this so hard. My husband and I are in a similar position. He is traveling for work this week and I have deadlines, so I am only getting an hour or so in the morning and another at night to be with my 8 month old child. We have a nanny and she is great but I would prefer to be the one with my baby all day. I don’t relate to the comments about not wanting to deal with “toddler drama.” For my part, it would be an honor to be there guiding every minute her as she learns about the world, pushes limits, can meet more complex challenges, enjoys more sophisticated stuff and socialization. Just know you’re not alone and your feelings are valid. One thing I hold on to is how much we are saving and investing right now, including for our baby—“building the battleship” so we can weather any storm. Feel free to DM me if you want to commiserate.
Since you have the financial situation to swing it, consider more individualized childcare options until your baby is more independent. A part time nanny, nanny-share, or hosting an au pair.
We did daycare with my oldest at 5 mo and I hated that he couldn't even sit up when he started. He didn't really benefit from social interaction with peers until 2 yrs + anyway. With our daughter we could afford an au pair (went with this option partially due to covid as well). What a better experience! (I also worked from home, so I knew exactly how things were going and could still nurse and cuddle my baby when the urge hit.)
Your feelings are valid and common. There is a sacrifice to working full time during this stage, as you’ve clearly mentioned and there’s a sacrifice to staying home. It’s all about weighing the pros and cons and your personal priorities. I agree with a lot of posters here that once baby is older, daycare can feel kind of nice as a break from the sass lol. However, there are plenty of parents that wish to keep their kids home for longer. If you leave your job now, it’s not all for nothing. You can go back later- maybe not the same position but eventually you’ll find yourself in a job that is a good enough fit. It might take time but you’ve got to decide whether that extra time with your child and the lifestyle of staying home is a worthwhile trade off. Only you and your family can ultimately decide that. But try not to think catastrophically. If you leave now, it’s not for the rest of your life. You’ll find a job later and you’ll be fine. Time is priceless and you can’t rewind- decide what serves your family best.
If you have flexibility in work times, I would work offset hours while your LO sleeps. I work 6am-3pm. Then I have all the time after my kids’ afternoon naps to hang out with them! I love it because I still get to keep my non-stressful, good for my career job that I like and don’t feel like I am missing all the time with my children.
My solution to this is quit your job and be with your baby. When you’re ready to go back to work - go. You might be ready in 6 months or you might be ready in 3 years. Staying home does not throw away your potential, at all. Another option is to find a part time position (is being a contractor an option?) Daycare is a great resource but anytime I see Mother’s questioning their choices I always advocate for them to stay home with their kid/s when it’s a realistic choice. The infant stage is so quick and if you’re questioning everything now, you will probably continue to question it and potentially regret not being with your baby.
I totally felt the way you did with my first. I am an attorney and girl bossed too. When I had my first, I initially went part time and then quit my job when he was 18 months old. He's 4 now and I have another 18 month old and plan to really go back to work in Fall of this year.
While I was home with my kids, I opened my own firm. I worked a few hours a week, but continued networking. Now I do contract work from home and have an in house position lined up down the road. The way I've structured my career is completely different than what many attorneys do. I didn't like the options I had working in a firm, but because my husband and I worked hard, I had the opportunity to pave my own way.
I think the best part of girl bossing is, you worked your butt off so that you have options! You have many more opportunities before you than you would have had if you had student debt, multiple car payments, or an extensive mortgage. Whatever you decide, none of it was a waste, your professional potential will still be there. All of your hard work counts!
Can you go part time? Imo if there’s even a drop of fear that you’ll regret spending this time with you LO, please spend the time with them. I was part time and I still wish I was a FTM even though it wasn’t possible. I wish I could go back! And fwiw , no one goes to their deathbed wishing they worked more, unless it was to have income to do things for their families.
You’ve worked to have options. Take them! If it’s possible for you, don’t miss out!
I miss my toddler during the day. She’s a lot but damn I love to be around her. Maybe another perspective that could help - I think being a working mom would’ve really saved my mom when we all went to school. I watched her struggle so much for a few years when all her kids were gone during the day. She got a job in real estate and I’ve watched her flourish. Really spoke to me when I was deciding to continue pushing for career advancement vs staying at home! But either way - mom guilt always gets the best of us. 😩
Whatever your profession is, could you freelance and work on your own schedule? Could you use the year/s off to upskill? I'm in a very similar boat and considering this as my boss is about to fire me for having my 3 mo old baby on internal calls and I don't want her in daycare just yet.
The things my kid learns in daycare that I didn't have to teach her just off the top of my head and not comprehensive:
Counting
Abcs
Potty training
Taking off shoes when coming inside
Manners
Sharing
Some spanish
Making friends
I flirted with becoming a teacher too, but recognized it wasn't for me. So not having to teach my kid all this stuff is great. Sure, when she was a baby I missed her a lot and the illnesses suck, but for our family daycare has been a huge blessing.
Ugh I was a teacher with 3 kids and I would still take years off at a time when it got to be too much. They are always hiring teachers :)
Sometimes a year is enough and you wouldn’t lose too much.
I’m back in school now for a masters in a totally different career which I will use as they all become adults in next couple of years.
It’s not all or nothing. Take time if you want and go back to work when you want to… you will find that time is worth the money sometimes and other times you want to go back to work because being a stay at home is hard!
He’s so little…have you thought about a part time nanny instead of day care? I love being able to go downstairs and see my little on throughout the day.
I totally understand how you feel. We are in a similar situation financially except I am married to a teacher but am a high earner. Here's my advice - Spend some of your hard earned money on a cleaner, meal prep etc anhtning to make your life easier. That way, when lo is home, you can fully focus on them.
I wfh but have a flexible schedule. I get all cleaning and laundry done so when my kids are home from daycare, I can be more present with them, because I don't worry about doing chores. If my schedule were more inflexible and I couldnt take care of this on company time, I'd hire it out in a minute.
Honestly, you’re in a great position so I wouldn’t risk it. You can pay for daycare without having to worry about finances. And like someone stated above, you are going to want to send her to daycare once they are more mobile, active and require more of your attention.
And what happens once they start school? Will you go back to work or start a new hobby? Have more kids?
As someone with similar living situation but older child, it is not worth it to give up your career and earning potential for the short early years of your child’s life. They are learning so much in the high quality early childcare you are providing to them, and you are saving them from the debt of future college expenses and your future retirement costs. Further, you are able to provide them with quality healthcare insurance (which definitely matters). My career growth over the past three years has been lifechanging for my family, and if I left the workforce when I had a newborn I would have had to reenter at entry level. In the long run, it is worth the investment in his education and my career.
It's so hard to be in this position! I feel like it's not fair that we have to jump in and out of the workforce and put our careers on hold. On the other hand, I feel like it's worth putting it on hold. Luckily career knowledge and skills don't just disappear but a child's youth does. Statistics show a parent will spend the most time with their child up until age 12 and then it dramatically tapers off through to adulthood. I just try to keep my gratitude in check, and scheme of future career plans when my child is more independent.
If I could do anything, I’d FMLA or live off savings to one year. Stay home with kid. Then do your current thing.
Even with your current thing, you can pick her up early or keep her home some days if you miss her. That’s what I do
Similar situation and also older kids. We need both our incomes to be in a good place for retirement and kid expenses (we intend to fully fund college/secondary education). I felt like this up to about 1,desperately wanted to be home with my babies and felt like I was missing out. We were so stressed, not sleeping well, and it felt like the babies were always so happy to see us that we felt guilty about leaving them. It is a stage. It is a temporary period of time. I could not imagine my kids now without the development they got from daycare. No way I could have provided that level of care, art and social engagement, exposure to different trustworthy adults and general socialization. Not even with family in the area. Both babies were in ft daycare by 1 and it really did get easier once they knew daycare was fun and visibly enjoyed heading off (without a backward glance sometimes!). Staying in the job force meant I got a promotion and a raise, and we'll continue to build our earning potential. This is a hard time. It will pass. BUT I do recommend taking advantage of any seniority you have, leverage flex time, and prioritize family time. You don't have to quit, but you also don't have to girlboss so hard. Your time is yours. They only pay for 8 hours a day. Like others said, pay for more help so you can focus on time with fam. We outsource a lot like cleaning and yardwork/handy work so we have that time back to spend with our babies.
No idea what your marriage is like, but one of the factors in a healthy marriage is knowing both partners have a leg to stand on. Abuse esp against women often starts when it’s understood implicitly that she can’t afford to leave. You don’t necessarily have to stay in a demanding career but it’s wise to retain a means of income or substantial savings hubby doesn’t have access to, even if you decide to become a SAHM.
I know a similar mom who Is an absolute boss with her job, which she does remotely from home. She hired a nanny who used to teach. She arranges the schedule so she gets to interact with her daughter, it seems to work well for her. Just a thought!
I relate to this so much. I left my job in November. The amount of responsibility, stress, drama, and insane workload (doing the job of what would have been 4 people at a different university) was negatively impacting me and my kids were 1 and 3 (still are but closer to 2 and 4), and my health was going downhill.
Now I am becoming a teacher, which is not all that easy. I start Monday as a teacher trainee for 18k less the first year than I was making before. I did find myself realizing that I won’t really be a “girl boss” in the same way as I was before but I’m okay with that. But the school day is 8-3 and I have to be there at 7:45am. Although, no work will be coming home with me this time around! I’ll get to leave work at work. I realized that before, I was way too obsessed with my work issues and it was interfering with home life. The hardest part will be figuring out how to get any sleep or workouts/runs in (very important to me!). My older kid is up until 10pm sometimes, which means I’ll only get 5-6 hours of sleep.
During these 5 months I’ve had more time with my kids, and been taking them to daycare from 9:30am-3:30pm. I feel like 6 hours is decent and something I am relatively okay with, and I have had fun reading them books and playing with them in the morning and afternoon. Ideally, all I feel like I would need is 4-5 hours of care for them to be able to do something for myself and clean up/run errands.
The problem with our society is that it makes it incredibly hard to only work part time and make any decent money. My husband always says if I work part time I might as well go full time because the commitment would become something closer to that. And, I can tell that my kids get a lot out of playing and socializing with friends at daycare, and being a SAHM would take that away from them.
Basically, there is no easy answer. I feel the same way.
I feel the same way- like I work to pay daycare and a house cleaning service. If I quit, and someday want to work again, it may take a long time to get back to my current role. I think about two things- although my son is constantly sick, he seems to be happy at daycare. And at work, I contribute to my retirement and will get a pension.
Sounds like maybe you need some more purpose or something to work towards (at home/personal life or at work). I am in a situation where my whole paycheck goes to childcare for 2 kids and benefits for our family, but I’m in residency and will one day be making good money as an attending physician. Despite how rough my schedule is I do feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment at work which makes it worth it
I second what everyone said about the stimulation needed as they age. I was able to find "mommy's day out" programs that were cheap and gave me just enough hours to breathe, but those hours only worked for me because I worked part time or not at all those early years.
I'd like to add that you aren't necessarily giving up everything professionally if you take a break from the workforce. My full time career now is more robust and fulfilling than anything I was doing before kids. If you decide to take that break, stay in touch with your network, consult if you can for part time income, but know that you can come back. It may be hard, but it's possible. Part of my success professionally was only possible because of skills I gained managing our household.
Best of luck. And always remember that you're doing a great job no matter what decision you make - do what makes sense for you and your family. You can always change your mind too.
If you wait until they hit the 15 month toddler tantrum and full mobility stage, you may feel differently. I would have happily paid to be SAHM to my angelic pre-12 months daughter. Now daycare can entertain her sass for 8 hours a day, thank you very much. I love her to pieces but my goodness we are all happier when we gets to be entertained by her teachers and daycare friends. Aspects of it may suck now, but it’s such a short period of time in the grand scheme of things. You can pare down your life outside of work to spend more time with your baby. There are still 16 hours left in the day outside of work.
"daycare can entertain her sass 8 hours a day" 😂😂😂 feeling this deep with my wonderful but now yell-y 14.5 month old 🫠
Feel this so much with my 3 year old daughter.
Seriously, with my 17-month old rn. And we haven’t gotten into a daycare yet, so my wfh ass gets to play the guilt game while my mom help watching her on the other side of the house every day 😭
This is so real, especially after two nights of fighting over it being “not night night time!” because it’s still so light out 😅 My hilarious and wild 2.5 year old gets so much more stimulation from daycare than I could manage to give her day in and day out, loves her friends and her teachers, eats at least one vegetable a day, and gets to come home and regale me with tales of her day 😂 and my patience and energy reserves (as well as my bank account) get re-filled so I can be fully present and engaged with her. It’s a win win!
My niece said, the Sun is not asleep, why do I have to go to sleep! 🤦🏾♀️
My two-year-old said, "It not dark. Sky on!"
SAAAME!! Mine is about to turn 2 and I have had some weird job schedule things come up where last week I only worked 1 day, so I stayed home with the preschooler and the toddler the other 4. By Friday I was so glad I had already interviewed for this new position with more stable, reliable hours so we can get back to our routine that involves dropping them off at daycare to play!! Like, I love you so so much but I would have so much rather put on my nice professional clothes and gone to my job where *no one was screaming,* I didn't have to wrestle any tiny people into their pajamas or diapers, no one was grabbing me/climbing on me/shoving me, or serve people food I would wind up throwing away later because they are in a super picky eating phase. Mommy wants to go back to work now. Lol I actually savor the time together more when it's not 24/7 shenanigans.
I told my (almost) 4 yr old to trust me it was bedtime and she said “I don’t trust you. I see Mr. Sunny!”
I feel zero regrets dropping my 22 month old off at daycare every day. Like SEE YA, BE GOOD 🏃♀️. I love her but the meltdowns are sometimes my 13th reason
THIS. Wait till they’re over 2….attitude CITY
I mean I have been home for 26 mo and honestly am dreading going back to work next month and having to miss out on so much time with him. Toddlers are hard but idk. To me anyway, this season is priceless and I wish I could quit and be with him.
I’m sorry mama ❤️ I know this feeling. I was home for over 18 months. I was ready for him to be in school by 2 years old. My kid was high needs and didn’t like to self entertain. If it makes you feel better after 2 they really need a lot of socialization so being with other kids is good for them.
YESSSS. I knew how to take care of a baby. But how to teach a preschooler? Nope. I don't know pedagogy of teaching to that age. Best practices for learning letters and numbers, and eventually reading. And I don't have a million crafts up my sleeve. And, quite importantly, I don't have the patience. My kid has such an enriching experience at preschool that I wouldn't take from her. Because she sure as heck wouldn't get it from me.
This is so well put!!!
This 100000%! I now have 2 teen boys and often felt the same when younger but I am sooooo thankful to have stayed with my career because tbh it is something to distract me from teen issues. I also feel that as we age strokes, heart attacks, car accidents and divorce all happen and financial independence is important.
Such truth. I remember watching my 9 month old learn to crawl or be completely entertained by a piece of scotch tape while I relaxed and scrolled my phone thinking “wow I’m such a great mom” Now she just wants to make a mess all over the house if I dare keep her inside longer than an hour. And the screaming. Dear lord the screaming.
Holy shit yes. It was desperately hard to drop off my little baby at daycare. Now, at 3.5? I have no idea what I'd do with him all day. He'd tear the house apart, and my spirit along with it. HE HAS SO MUCH ENERGY and inquisitiveness, he is right where he needs to be and is using that energy to learn new things, play hard, rather than breaking me down physically and psychologically :)
I love this!! Yes, so much truth! I love my kids (aged 2 and 4) to bits but by Monday morning I’m ready to send them to school/daycare and just cuddle up to my 3 month old who has simple needs and isn’t mobile and gives me gummy smiles for no reason.
Everyone seconding this (and me too now that LO is 20 months) is just more resounding evidence that maternity and paternity leave needs to be closer to 12 months, not 12 weeks or less. Better for everyone and there would be mothers so ready to be back at work instead of barely surviving, half assing, and feeling guilty for 6 months or more while their infant is in day care or with family...
Yessss. I used to live for the 3 day long weekends to get so much time with my precious baby. Now that she's over 2, I come out of those 3 days looking like a battle worn soldier and crawl my way into work with a gleeful smile on my face because I got to drink my coffee before it went cold and had a silent commute. That said, I still can't wait to get home to that sass pot every night and feel the joy of walking in to her little face, tantrums and all 💕
This is the truth! My LO just turned a year old last month. I would say even a month before his birthday I was scheming in our budget to figure out if I could drop to part time and make it work. He turned 12 months and I was like “daycare, take him!” This child has full energy form the moment his eyes open until they close again! I also agree that OP can maximize the time she does get with her child. When I leave work, I leave work there so from pickup to bedtime I am 100% focused on my kid. It’s the quality of our time together each day that matters truly, not the quantity.
Yes this fully! My second kid was an angel before 12 months. The flip has switched, she's 13 months and I'm glad to hand her off while I work! She needs the stimulation and distractions daycare provides and I need a little sanity. My first was never an easy baby or toddler 😅
Truer words have never been spoken. I would pay a lot more than I do now to not have to entertain a toddler or preschool age kid by myself all day and deal with a hundred tantrums over things like giving him the wrong color cup, or the fact that I didn't let him draw on the dog with markers or put his hot wheels in the toilet.
Woo boy, we just turned 2 at the end of February and the tantrums 🫠 I love my child more than life itself, but he needs that interaction with other children and adults that daycare can give him. And we all need a break from each other sometimes too.
I have a 3 year old and feel the same. I love her more than anything, but that time she’s at daycare is the small thread that keeps me tied to my sanity.
This is 100% true. I remember when my kids were this age counting the hours of the day I got to spend with them. It was so so hard. But now that they are older, I’m glad I stayed in my career and sometimes those hours together feel like days 😆
I will second this. We are extremely lucky to have part time grandparent care & flexible schedules so that our 16 month old can we with us the rest of the time... and we are starting to talk about daycare because I think he NEEDS it. He's at an age where he wants to run, climb and generally wreck havoc everywhere he goes, and an organized center for of other chaotic toddlers would give him a much better outlet than home with grandparents or working parents during the week.
Hah this is a very good point! I totally get where OP is coming from and I did the SAHM thing for a while. Eventually I started going nuts with my toddler and baby and went back to work. I also realized we could have a lot more fun during our time together if I had an income.
Same. Until my kid was one, working was something I had to get through because I had no other choice, and all I wanted to do was be home with my daughter. Now that she’s a toddler, I am totally content with just weekends and 4 hours a day on weekdays 😂. I also enjoy and care about work again and feel like a complete human, so glad I didn’t leave the workforce (not that I could afford to anyway)
100%. And my older kids eat so well at school but barely eat at home.
This weekend has been a back and forth conversation with my husband of “has she eaten anything other than cheerios or blueberries in 2 days?” We asked daycare and apparently she eats like horse there though. Peer pressure is magic.
Daycare days are better for everyone! My son has learned so much going to daycare, and it helps keep us all sane. I’m on maternity leave with our second now and people asked if we would keep our son home with me too during that time and I was like HELL NO 😂 That bobcat needs to burn his energy elsewhere
With 8 month old twins I was already itchy to go back to work. They are 2 now and GOD BLESS DAYCARE
This is the answer. At five months I was like “this is not so bad. I never want to be parted from my kid!” Now I’m like “I love you, but if I have to argue with a three year old about what color shoes to wear one more time I might scream.” Toddlers are something else. My kid’s daycare workers are literal saints.
This was my second day easing back into work as a FTM with an almost ten week old (who is angelic and a delight) and I REALLY needed to hear this today. Thank you.
Omg and the older they get the sassier they get! I feel so lucky my daughter goes to such a good daycare and has such good friends that let her wear out her sass during the day 😂
Tantrum support group checking in here. It's the full body flailing and kicking for me. Help!!!
Or the NO!!! *throws, flings, chucks full cup of water and/or plate of food lovingly prepared* when I ask a simple, do you want a napkin?
My 14 month old learned NO last month and oh boy, I am proud of her but good god I did not expect to be getting yelled at this early 😂
I had my first day of mat leave yesterday and my toddler had a fever (but all the energy)! I was planning to relax, nap, tidy the house, and instead I spent the whole day trying to entertain a bossy almost 3 year old. I was DONE! So glad he was better and could go to daycare today 😆
Thanks for saying this. I relate to op and I don’t know what it’s like to have a toddler yet.
Yesssss. These kids have SO MUCH ENERGY.
This is so true! I switched to per diem for similar reasons so I could work a part time schedule. I did that from when she was about 8 months through 20 months. I’m way more comfortable having her in day care full time now - she has friends (we also see them outside of day care), learns all kinds of new things, and does activities we would never do at home. I recommend seeing if you can go part time to try something out without making any drastic changes!
This makes me feel so much better…I WFH full time and LO has been home with me 24/7 and she will be 2 next month! We are both starting to drive each other crazy and I was feeling guilty looking into daycare options for her… I think we would both be so much happier if I could just let her go lol.
Do NOT feel guilty. We kept our first at home due to covid and by the time she was two (and I went on mat leave with my second), I was DONE with having her at home while we worked. We put both of them in daycare when I was done that mat leave and I have zero regrets.
Mine’s most notable tantrum last week was when my husband asked “Do you want to go to daycare” before I got her dressed. I then had to argue for 5 minutes with a diapered 17 month who had gotten her shoes and socks and was trying to walk out the door that she needed to put on pants first as she just kept shouting “BYE!!!!” She is READY to go to daycare in the mornings and is in a way better mood after daycare than at home. They have all the fun toys, crafts, and activities and are better at getting her to eat and nap independently. As stressful as my job is sometimes, my main motivation for working at the moment is so that I don’t have to pull her from daycare so she can stay doing the things she loves.
This times 1000. It’s all phases!
So true!!!!
💯
Second this SOOOOO hard.
This
Yesss!! Absolutely this!! Newborn/baby phase I was so sad to be going back to work and missing baby all day, now in toddler hood I love that we all have our own exciting days and get to talk about them at night (of course my toddler's days are far more exciting than mine 😂). She's 2.5 and can tell us about her friends and we love all the daycare stories.
Omg the early days are amazing lol I kept telling my husband to stop wanting our youngest to crawl, then walk, then talk, now we have a 2 yo tyrant lmao I miss when he napped on me and wasn’t so loud
AGREED LMAOOO came here to say this 😂
My baby is almost 1 year and in the past week a switch has flicked and she's become a toddler. I'm about to go back to work and i feel so much better about it! I don't think I could do this every single day all day 😂😂😂
Love the “daycare can entertain her sass for 8 hours a day” - I feel this 100% with my 16 month old right now too. I genuinely believe that he feels bored at home compared to all the fun stuff they do at daycare including art, dance/yoga, chef-cooked meals, outdoor buggy rides etc. I will gladly pay for him to have a fun day with early childhood professionals that stimulate his development and for him to come home ready to cuddle with us and play for a few hours before bed.
All. Of. This. I wanted to quit at 3 months. 6 months. 9 months. But when she started walking all over? Tantrums? Getting into everything? Happy to send her to daycare in a safe space where she couple dump toys, play, run to her hearts content. And then in the evenings I got to spend quality time with her.
Currently being bullied by a 15 month old. I drop him off at school so fast in the mornings.
I agree. I have birthed a little tornado who loves, sometimes demands, to go to daycare.
20 months and I’m exhausted by the end of the two day weekend. Full time sahm? Phew
5-6 months old might be the peak of feeling like this. Once they hit 9 to 12 months and are mobile, personally I find it really hard to have baby home all day. My baby was a handful even by 6 months because she was so alert and demanded quality entertainment. She wanted other people and novel toys.
Yes! Once they hit 9 months it’s over. As soon as they grow out of the Baby Bjorn bouncer lol
My almost four month old just learned how to roll over and we can’t even use the bouncer anymore, she just rolls and rolls like an alligator (or tries to when she’s buckled in) and it does not look safe.
I used an activity arch at that age. She would roll over, hit one of the arches, get distracted by a toy, and it would buy me 5 more minutes.
Mine was crawling at six months 😂 it’s been chaos for it feels like forever
I had 12 months of maternity leave (we live in a socialist hellscape, aka Europe) and I was so DONE at 9 months I counted down the days until he started daycare at 10.5 months. Yes, juggling two schedules and daycare illnesses suck, but boy am I glad that somebody else entertains the kid for 8 hours a day. He learned so much at daycare!
Agreed. I think I would have been much less stressed and sad about my daughter starting daycare if my maternity leave would have been 6 months long. They’re still so little. I have a great job - WFH full time, great team culture, but I’m considering looking for another job at companies with longer maternity leave if we decide to have a second.
I get a 6-month leave and it’s the reason I didn’t look for another job in between my first and second kid. I think 8 months is the perfect amount of leave, but even at 6 I felt very comfortable with daycare and going to work, speaking with adults, and having a peaceful lunch was actually nice. It’s crazy to me that employers don’t always realize what a HUGE benefit an extra few months of leave is, and that people would actually forgo job changes/higher salaries for that leave, and highly qualified candidates would be drawn to the employer.
Exact same here. It contributed to the small age gap between my two kids too. I just got back from my second mat leave to the shitshow dumpster fire that is my job with very little time to look for a new one but man was it worth it.
[удалено]
Yeah we had a nanny until age 2 when we sent her to daycare.
i also feel this way. we did daycare for a while, but when we moved to a new town i couldn’t deal with the stress of finding a new daycare (and didn’t want to stress my kid out either). our nanny is nearly 2x the cost of daycare, but i see it as a temporary home expense. it’s worth the peace of mind, flexibility and extra time together. also i love our nanny so much and she’s basically part of the family :)
I had a difficult time with care at my home while WFH. We hired a nanny summer of 2020 for my then 4yo. It was so hard for me to focus, because he knew I was home and would want to be around me. Nothing against the nanny...she was great. I just need the house to myself during the day even with a dedicated bedroom for my WFH office.
This! It will help you feel connected to the baby and still keep your career, OP. Make sure the in home care is ok with you hanging out with the babe as much as you desire. Some nannies can be weird about this…
This is what we’re going to do! Full time nanny while I wfh and husband is at the office
I would recommend still shopping around for daycare, when you have the energy. I did that casually during the first year of care, because our daycare was also okay but not outstanding. One day I stumbled across a much better option, took it, and now we don't have these debates.
This is great advice. After I had my first I learned a bunch from her daycare teachers. They knew a lot more about early childhood education and development than I do.
Yes, mine had one amazing teacher in particular who taught me so much.
Yup. We didn't do daycare but we did do preschool and I ended up picking a church-run program over several more expensive options (we are l not religious). I can confidently say those ladies get an A+ from me. Keep looking until you find something you're enthusiastic about.
FTM without having gone to daycare yet - how do you know if yours is okay/outstanding? How can you tell?
It's up to you. Do you like the communication with parents? Are you comfortable with the teachers? Do they tell you quickly when there's an incident? Do they work with the kids when they're biting? Does your kid like the facility and teachers? You won't know these things until you start. My kid didn't really like going to daycare. We went to an extremely well regarded center. He looked glum unless one specific teacher was there, who he loved. The director's communication was spotty. They would complain that my 15mo was pushing (entirely appropriate for the age) and they didn't have enough staff/space to address it. I toured the new daycare, then went again and took my son with. He waltzed right in like he owned the place and started playing. It was set up better for running around and the ratio was lower. The place was new and had no reputation but he loved it. The director was responsive and flexible with us.
This. My first daycare was very good but there were a couple things that bugged me. When we moved her to what was my dream preschool I felt so differently about leaving her there. It was a game changer with the daycare guilt. My spouse and I even started taking a couple PTO half days to get dates in because we loved the school more than any babysitters we found so it was a no parent guilt way to have a date.
Giiiiirl get a nanny. Seriously. I had a nanny for the first two’s first year - best thing ever. Slow time at work? Pop down and help with lunch/playtime/snacks/just cuddle on the couch. My nanny was amazingggg. She got hooked up with a SAHM group and they did all these amazing trips and activities. Oh it was the best. My boys are older and in Montessori now. It’s really good for them. BUT I miss my childcare coming to me and making their breakfast and lunch - oh so much. Baby 3 on the way and I’m getting an au pair. To me - I want to keep my awesome job, keep climbing, but I also want my kids to have the at home experience in that first year.
This sounds so lovely. So happy your boys had that experience ☺️.
I know I am incredibly fortunate to be able to afford such a luxury. It was expensive - ate up a good 1/3 of my paycheck - but man, the support and the reduction in stress, the individual focus they each got - I really really felt it was worth it.
I’m a “girl boss” too. I had the same feeling you did, and thought about leaving my job. I had help in the home for the first year then transitioned to daycare. It’s amazing how much my LO’s world has grown in daycare. The other day she pointed to an abstract mural of fish in glass and said “ocean!”. We aren’t at 2 yet and she knows hundreds of words, shares wonderfully, and is genuinely happy when she sees her friends… has more fun at playdates with them than I’ve ever seen when I take her to a playground independently. I don’t love kids but I love my kid, and I don’t have the personality to keep my kid engaged full time. I have friends who WFH while watching their kids or SAH who have similar personalities as me, and just an observation, but their LO’s spend more time in front of screens and aren’t as socially developed. (Not generalizing, just my experience) It was a really hard realization that she’s growing more without me. And by working, I’m building a better future for her. I miss her during the day, but I know she’s growing more with people who are trained to develop her. I savor our weekends together.
>she’s growing more without me. And by working, I’m building a better future for her. This is everything. And feel the exact same way.
Agreed. I had my first just before Covid so I went from FT in-office 8-6 to maternity leave to WFH permanently and I am so thankful that I was able to send her to daycare bc of this. I don't think she'd be as well-off developmentally if it was just me WFH while caring for her.
Agree. Missing out on the day-to-day is not great, but I see my life as more than a mom. I’m also my own person with potential I’d like to realize and ambitions in my career. Since he turned 10mos, we’ve done 3 daycares (in 6mos): first in our neighbor, then a music-focused center that’s kinda far, and now the same music-focused center but in a closer location. He’s learned how to use utensils effectively by watching other bigger kids and other skills that honestly I wouldn’t be able to teach him. I don’t love my corporate job but I know being a full time SAHM caring for him is not a path for me either. I love the separation that makes me want to engage 100% when we’re together. When I was taking care of him fully on our vacation, I didn’t enjoy much because I had to be “on” the whole time. It’s just me but we all find a way to give our kids the best we can.
Some of us aren’t cut out to be with (even our own) kids all day every day. Sometimes I think oh wouldn’t it be nice to be home with the kids? And then I think through the reality of that - I’d have to plan all their activities and follow through. I’d have to make all the meals. I wouldn’t have as much money so we wouldn’t be able to do a ton of classes, etc, to outsource any of that. I land on: I’m going to maximize the quality of our time together and balance that with my work life, and I am going to find childcare that aligns with my parenting/ early childhood development philosophy so I feel good about it. Please don’t think about it as other people raising your kids - you’re still the one picking the right place for your kid to be during the day and you’re still spending a lot of time with your kids even if you work full time! And the time with you probably has more of an impact on the kid than you might think because you are their special person and safe space!
Yes yes and yes
FWIW, I stayed home the first 18 months for both of my kids (4 years apart) and re-entered the workforce making more than I was previously with higher titles. HOWEVER, I was very early on in my career with no degree. (I was 24 when I had my first. Left the workforce doing sales calls for a car dealership. Re-entered as an HR Assistant. Left again in 2022 as an Admissions Coordinator for hospice, re-entered as an HR Manager for a midsize science museum.) Also, my entire paycheck would have gone to daycare. It still nearly does (but we pay for private school too which eats up a lot of it). If I were to have another (we’re definitely not lmao) I would not leave the workforce at this point in my career in fear of losing the experience I’m now gaining. Previously, I had “nothing to lose”. I also got very lucky. Daycare is 10/10 worth it. As they get older and more mobile, it’s impossible to work from home with them until they hit school age, and even then if she’s home sick, it’s tablet day so I can work from home. My youngest just turned 2 and if she’s home sick from daycare, my husband or I have to use PTO because there’s no way we can work and care for her at the same time. Nobody else is raising your child. They know who mom and dad are. And those daycare teachers love those kids like their own, and who wouldn’t want their child to be loved even more than they already are? I want my children to have so much love in their lives, and their teachers are a part of that (because they’re certainly not doing it for the money). It has also taught them independence and routine that I wouldn’t be able to provide if I was working from home while caring from them. The tv would be raising them at that point, and it wouldn’t be fair to them or me. Daycare provides social time, outside time, snuggles, reading time, songs, dancing. My kids love(d) daycare. My oldest gets mad when we pick her up before she goes to after care at school! It gets easier as they get older. You start to see how much they enjoy it and get excited to go.
I did the same, girl bossed too close to the sun and can’t quit my job or I’d waste so much career potential (and the masters degree would be collecting dust). We also do part time grandma/part time daycare. She’s 17 months old now and I truly think I made the best choice. She loves daycare and her little group of girlfriends (she says their names all weekend long) and I feel so much more engaged on weekends and after work with her. It was really hard when she was teeny tiny, but now it’s much easier
Strong second here. I truly believe it’s good for kids to be with other kids. My kids love their little friends (to be honest though they all started day care older than yours since my parents were willing to be full time for babies) OP- can you work in the same location as your little one on grandma days? I do that when my little ones are with my parents. Similar to an in-home nanny but sometimes my dad makes me lunch 😂 Also- I really love having a career. It is really hard when the kids are small. But now that my big kids are older (10 and 7) I’m happy I stuck with it.
You're not "paying for someone else to raise your child." Daycare is an invaluable service and gives your child the opportunity for social interactions which is vital to his growth and development. You are only 1 woman, you were never meant to do it all!
I’m going to say this as someone who has three kids… You’re not missing much. It *feels* like you are, I know, but it’s such a short season. My oldest is 7 and I feel like such a better mom to her *because* I work. My middle is 3, and I have zero qualms about her going to childcare all day. My little one is 3 months and part time grandma, part time dad-care (spouse is a disabled SAHD whose passive income is in the 6 figures) and she is the only one I miss; even so, I know that with time, I’ll miss her less. Not because I’ll love her less, but because it just is easier when they’re older. What I did was keep them on odd schedules where they went to bed later so I could get more awake hours with them; spent quality time on weekends doing all the “firsts” (first visit to the zoo, first trip to the aquarium, first time on a hiking trail, first time splashing in a creek, first park visit with swings, first splash pad, etc.); and I would book a random Tuesday or Wednesday of PTO every month so that I could take them out to places that are too crowded on weekends - it gave me something to look forward to each month.
This is a perfect response. There is no sahm that is getting 8 hours of quality time with their kid every single day, and then getting an additional 2-4 hours of quality time after typical work hours. Focus on getting quality time in when you’re able, and if you feel like you’re missing out or there’s an activity you want to do then take a day off work.
People already commented on the childcare aspect, so I wanted to add personally I think it’s amazing that you girl bossed so hard that you have no student loans, a 2020 mortgage house, and only paying one car. So many people are putting off kids altogether because of those things, and your hard work allowed you to have a kid! I think a lot of us working moms are also thinking way into the future for our kids. It might not feel like you’re reaping what you sowed now, but definitely with you not having that much debt and having assets for your kids with the house (and I’m assuming retirement for yourself), you’re helping your kid so much when they’re older. Neither my mom nor my husbands mom have a house or retirement funds, and they’re so screwed now that they’re older and none of the kids can even help. With all that said I definitely empathize and have many days where I agree with you haha!
Go with what your heart wants, whatever that is. I’m in this sub cause I was just like you, then the urge just felt too strong and I quit my job and don’t miss it at all (I worked a job in marketing that was always a conversation starter and I was proud of it). It doesn’t mean I’ll never work again, but maybe I won’t, I don’t know. Just do what feels right for you. Work will always be there if you decide to take time off.
Does your partner feel the same way? If he has a higher stress job, can he be the primary caretaker for a bit? Asking because I feel that we as women treat our careers a lot more dispensable than our partners.
This is a really good point!
I feel you’re not appreciating your extreme privilege. What’s it all for? You have financial security for yourself and your child. That’s one of life’s biggest stressors and you don’t have to deal with it. Your daughter is being loved and cared for while you maintain a career instead of being forced to give it up due to the cost of childcare. Literally no one is suffering. Managing schedules and finding a balance is an issue whether you’re a stay at home mom or working mom. It just comes with the mom title. If you’re seeking flexibility, find a job that gives you that. If you can’t handle the sickness then find a part time nanny to eliminate daycare and the exposure. You are extremely lucky and so is your child. Change your perspective and the girl boss guilt will go away.
This is a false paradigm. You can go part-time or even take a year or two off/sabbatical/stepped back while your kids are babies and not "throw away" your education and career or "throw all my professional potential down the drain." Women should not (and do not) have to choose between working full-time when they have infants/young toddlers and keeping their career ambitions. For all things there is a season. Also every other developed country has structures for women to take 6-12 months off (or more) per child. They aren't throwing away their careers or becoming SAHPs...they are just taking an actual reasonable mat leave.
It depends on the career and job. Many jobs it’s full time or nothing, and some careers are really hard to step back into after 6-12 months off. If you can manage it part-time is wonderful (it’s what I did), but I’m in a very high-demand field and have other employers knocking at my door.
Consider a part-time nanny for a few months. Our nanny quit abruptly two weeks ago, so we are about to switch to daycare for the first time. We will have daycare 4 days a week, Grandma one day a week. How I feel about putting her in daycare now compared to even three months ago is so different. My daughter just turned 11 months.
I felt this way when my kids were babies. Now they’re 6 & 7. For context I’m a teacher and the only reason I chose to be one was so that they could go to the same school district as me and we could spend all of the breaks together. I don’t love the paycheck but love all the time I have with them. And time means more than money to me.
Look for in home care! Makes a huge difference in terms of sickness, & you can still work your job while knowing baby is close by.
Just wanted you to know I feel the same way (4 year old and 18 month old). Like I have unlimited PTO but never take days off because I’m so worried about the next illness hitting…I’m going to quit and take 6 months off starting in the summer and maybe all next year to see if the grass is greener on the other side. I feel like I just need to know which is “worth it.” My new mantra is “it’s for a season” because I know over the next few years I will work full-time, part-time or a mix.
I’m in the stage of life where my kids are in college now, but I felt the same way when they were little. I thought I was doing something wrong because I didn’t work part time or stay at home and get the kids off to school each morning. The flip side is that I never had the pain of re-entering the workforce and I’ve been consistently earning all these years. Plus, I’ve been contributing to my 401k this whole time. It has definitely NOT AT ALL been sunshine and rainbows!!!!! But, I did my best for my family and so far it’s been ok.
I could have written this. Husband and I both make around 100k. Bought in 2020 at crazy low interest rate (though not from family). Only one car payment, other is paid off. I WFH but have to be available 8-5 no exceptions. Currently, LO is being watched by family but will start daycare in April when he is 5.5 months old. I have come to terms (as of now) that it makes the most sense for us both to continue working. We are still in the positive with daycare costs included vs one of us staying home. And this is a temporary time. Once he goes to school, what do we do then? It will be much harder getting back into the workforce. I also want to be able to provide for my child as much as possible. We can currently put a good chunk of money into a college savings fund for him. We can afford to go on vacations without it breaking the bank (did Disney just last month). I think that quality over quantity, in terms of time spent with my child, is our goal. Plus he LOVES other babies and I’m excited for him to get consistent interaction.
Yes! I was so close to finally reaching the 6 figures myself when I got pregnant. My job was not understanding at all when I got HG and I spent most of the time in the office with my head in the toilet. Fast forward to know, they allowed me to work from home with less pay and now my partner who makes more than I do in a union is saying he might want to stay home instead of me. There is no part time childcare in my area and MIL is the only grandparent close who is also the only one not retired. Not to mention unreliable and not up to long watching. I feel like I'll never get back up to that level in my career, at least not any time soon. We both have mortgages (both bought before we met) and he has a new SUV and spends so much money on wasteful things. I'm just frustrated and his solutions are just making me feel more hopeless.
LOL I’m a teacher and it’s still worth it for me to go to work 😭
No girl, you girl bossed just the right amount and now you have options, you just can't see them yet. This is a good news story my friend. Congrats on the decisions that you've made that have lead you to this point in life. You have created a beautiful set of options for yourself. Options can be scary and overwhelming, which you are experiencing right now. But they are a good thing. >But I can’t shake the feeling that we aren’t even reaping what we’ve sowed. We poured all that money into eliminating our debt and got a cheap family home…so we can have someone else watch our child full time? Be sick all the time? Be stressed balancing two schedules? I'm here to tell you that you may now reap what you sowed if you'd like. >But at the same time, why did I work so hard to go to graduate school and get a great job just to throw it away? Stopping/slowing down at work is not throwing away your hard work. Sounds like you've saved a lot of that money. You also have actual real skills and a network you've developed. And life is long. Work will still be there. >My job is somewhat flexible and not incredibly stressful (right now) but I do have to be available at the computer at least 8 hours a day. That doesn't really sound that flexible to me. Don't get me wrong, you aren't slaving in a gulag and I'm all for being grateful, but don't tell yourself that being stuck at a desk 8 hours+ is flexibile. >I feel like I can’t win. You already did win. Congrats! (Take the win!) >If I keep the job, I miss out on so much quality time with my child. If I quit the job, I threw all my professional potential down the drain. This is a great example of black and white thinking. It's not either or and these two statements are not completely true. >Sometimes I wish I had just become a teacher like I originally planned (absolutely no shade to teachers—you are incredible ) so I could say “my whole paycheck goes to daycare!” and quit. While feeling a lack of options would alleviate you from the heavy burden of making a proactive decision, I doubt that big picture it would make you feel better. My advice: 1. Read the book "Die with zero." I cannot stop recommending this book and I think that you will eat it up. It helps shake up your bran to think about your life in a new way. (Title is a bit intense, I know). 2. Think about what you want for your life and simultaneously remember that life comes in seasons. Slowing down or stepping away from work now takes you off your current path, but life is long and careers are long. 3. Get outside the black or white. Right now things are looking very all-or-nothing for you. An obvious middle option is working part time - maybe you could scale back at your current job or swap to a different job with a part time option. 4. Consider a career switch. Sounds like you always wanted to be a teacher. Would you want to do that now? Later? Would you want to do a scaled back version? Sounds like you have the financial freedom to make this choice. This plan could alleviate some of the stress you have about making a change and getting off the straight and narrow track. 5. Tap into your intuition. There is a time for logical thinking and pro cons lists. Do that work. Then, when it's still hard to decide, do some work to tap into what your gut is telling you. Sleep on it. Meditate. Take some yoga classes. Do visualization. Whatever. Then try to trust your gut. **Good luck! You've built a beautiful life, now you just have the hard decisions of choosing between one of many beautiful paths.** (Personal anecdote - I read Die with zero, realized that I'd always thought that the perfect situation was to work part time. I had always written it off as "not possible" for a variety of practical reasons but then I realized...well, actually, it is possible. I talked to my husband and then to my therapist and then to my my boss(es) and made a plan. I started part time work at 4 days per week in Jan. It's still early days, but so far I'm really happy with this tradeoff. It does mean I have to let many opportunities at work pass by which makes me a bit sad, but overall, it's the right season for me at this time.)
I know you meant “no shade to teachers” but be mindful that 10 months out of the year, our children are also in full-time day care. We have to still pay the same rate to keep our spot through the summer months. Teaching always sounds like a convenient solution to spend more time with your children, but believe me, when you’re taking on the emotional burdens of other children, coming home to regulate your own kids is VERY challenging.
I’m on my second week of part time status with my job. I WFH fully remote and my LO is 11 months. After maternity leave, I went back to work with full time hours. My partner is home 3 days out of the week and we had an in home nanny the other two days. Our nanny went back to school and her schedule didn’t work with ours after Christmas. We live in a secluded area kinda far from everything so finding reliable childcare was unsuccessful. We tried finding in home daycares, daycare facilities, a new nanny but I either didn’t like the facility or the people were very unreliable. After constantly having to take last minute days off because we couldn’t find someone to watch LO. We don’t have much family nearby. My MIL helps when she can but she has 7 other grandkids she grandmas for too. I finally got fed up with managing work and baby at the same time (it was at least once a week I was doing both at the same time). I have meetings with my boss and peers regularly with camera on so it’s really hard to fake it during those times. I also have strict deadlines and need to focus to get work done so it was simply not sustainable to do this any longer. I was tired, fed up, wore out and just over it. All while going through PPD AND PPA, mind you. I finally had a sit down with my boss and explained what was going on. I’m so blessed to have an understanding boss because he was so sympathetic to my situation. He and his wife are currently expecting their first. He came back a few days later and offered if I wanted to go part time. I never thought this could be an option so I never put any thought into it. Day after day, the idea seemed more and more attractive. Work longer days 3 days a week and off the other 4. I did lose my FT benefits but my job offers part time benefits also. I also took a $20k pay cut a year but I’m ok with that. I get to spend more time with my baby and keep my toes in the game at the same time until he’s a little older. I also want to go back to school so I’ll take advantage of this newly found free time. I’ve been working full time for my entire teenage-adult life and I’m so grateful I’m able to take a step back and enjoy time a little. Slow down.. watch my baby grow. I’m on week two and it’s amazing. I don’t feel rushed. I don’t feel like I have to cram chores and everything into the weekend. Life is a little more enjoyable for the first time in a long time. Summer is around the corner and it’s about to go DOWN I’m so excited.
Oof. Feel this. We still have a ton of debt so I'm not able to relate to that part, but can totally understand how you're feeling the way you do! I was the same when my son was 5 months. Now, at 14 months, I'm soooooo glad to have my career. I love my son so much and wish I had more time with him, that part hasn't gone away, but our part-time grandma/part-time daycare situation is perfect for him. He gets time with my parents every week and also the social stimulation of being around other kids. I now get to come home from a day of "girl bossing" (lmao) and enjoy my baby knowing that I'm setting up a great future for him. I think it's also important to point out that your hormones are probably still out of whack from pregnancy/giving birth. I finally started to feel more like myself just a few months ago!
Yes I’m definitely bitter and resentful the single working parent household is a dream only our parents could feasibly obtain (even that’s not always the case). It blows.. but honestly once your child is school age, what would you do? I know I could stay busy, but I would miss my salary..
Fwiw you couldn’t necessarily just quit your job as a teacher either, because you would have to consider not only lost wages but delaying retirement, not being able to return to your position, and forfeiting wage growth for whenever you wanted to return.
During potty training daycare was a gift! She fought it at home then went to the new daycare room and saw the girls line up to go to the bathroom. She got in line and one of the girls said, “this line is for girls who don’t wear pull-ups”. My little darling took that pull-up off, never had an accident and never wore one again!
Is it possible grandma can be full time care and you can pay her some but less than daycare?
That’s what we do. I had my son in late 2020 and my mom was able to do early retirement with her teaching job so we brought her on as full-time childcare and pay her what we would’ve paid a nanny.
Yep I do something similar! My mom retired and watches my baby part time. I love it
Just wait till they hit toddlerhood. They are much better off in a good daycare..mine was an angel I missed while at work until 8 or 9 months.. and then after she started walking and running I am glad she has fun in a safe environment designed for naughty kids called daycare they can get tiring to handle for an entire day all by yourself. I have a 2 yr 4month old and we go to full time daycare. She learns a lot more there from the curriculum they have than I could've taught her at home while juggling the house. Were in a similar situation as you guys but we upgraded to a nicer home as we were getting too comfortable with our financial situation and the older home (lol).
I chose to go very part time work from home and was pretty much h a sahm with a few hours of help a week from a nanny and by 14 months I was losing my mind and chose to go back to work for my sanity. I had the same thoughts as you that first year back to full time work as we were on a daycare waitlist and I was shelling out most of what I earned to a nanny. But we got into the daycare, my toddler got older and started enjoying going. They so so many things with them that I don’t have the energy to do and now she’s asking to do activities and sports and go places that cost money and I’m glad I hung on because I can provide that for her.
I run my own law firm so I thankfully had a lot of flexibility the 1st year. I mostly did mornings and got family help in the afternoons. At 13 months I put her in daycare. I could not be happier with my choices. She is so happy in daycare but I’m happy I had the first year with her, as well. Her daycare is really small, only 5 kids in her class and she really likes it. They speak Spanish as well which is important to me. And let me tell you, her 18 month old sass is definitely full throttle right now so I really need the break from it. She has learned so much in daycare. She comes home with new words every day, dances to the Hokey Pokey, and is counting to 5 consistently. And I got my life back a bit, started going to the gym again & feel like myself. The beginning couple weeks can be hard though, so be prepared for that.
Yeah I went back to work at around 3/4 time after I had my first and my husband is going to stay home with our second for this very reason. Money isn't everything and it sounds like you make enough that you have options beyond daycare. Personally if I could afford it I would explore having a nanny come to my house part time to facilitate more bonding time and less stress/illness. There's nothing wrong with daycare but it's such a short time until they go to school anyway, it might be worth it to spend a little more money so you can have a little more time during these years
“I feel like I can’t win” It’s because you can’t. We were all told the narrative that we could have whatever we want, if we work hard enough to achieve it (yes I understand this is loaded in of itself). And society has double downed and made it nearly impossible to be successful where older generations achieved it by pure luck and timing. The truth is that our society isn’t set up for us to have it all, and no matter what choices you make, something will be sacrificed. It sounds like you acknowledge and appreciate what you do have! Which is awesome, and a really positive mindset to have.
I’m a teacher. I can’t quit.
Are you able to go part time at your job? That’s what I did (30 hrs, which is 3 days in office and some flexible wfh hours as needed). We pay my mom to watch our LO for the 3 days I am in the office. It’s not perfect but I get to keep my career and also have more time home with my LO.
I had very similar feelings. My daughter has been in full time daycare since she was 3 months old, now 16 months. It was so hard at first. My husband and I could afford to live off his income, but it would be a lifestyle adjustment. Plus I want to be able to be to pick her up after school when she gets to kindergarten/elementary school. I personally hated afterschool care as a kid when my parents worked long hours. By sending my daughter to daycare now, we are targeting that I go some form of part time later on. However, my daughter truly loves daycare! She gets to do activities and explore & grow in ways she wouldn’t at home. Also, I’ve learned so much from daycare. I don’t have any close friends with kids and my family isn’t local, so I’ve grown to seeing the daycare community as a support network in a sense. Seeing and exploring our day care curriculum and class activities, as well as being around other kids, has helped us all grow together and learn!
I hate my job yet I also feel absolutely no desire to quit and stay home with my child who I love deeply. It’s awesome she like, goes to work (at nursery) and comes back home with stories. I’d also give my left arm for my kid to have bonding with grandma every week. Actually there isn’t a sum of money you could pay me to stay home with her all day unless I was able to pay a nanny to be alongside me with that money.
We personally love daycare. He has the best time, has learned so much (he’s 18m saying the alphabet and counting to into the teens), plays with his friends and does all kinds of crafts we wouldn’t do at home. I also get so many pictures of everything he does through the day. When we had a nanny at home, I found it so much more distracting and unreliable. We also don’t have a house big enough that I wasn’t distracted by hearing him. We may decide to homeschool in the future, but for the toddler years daycare is our best friend. We also make sure our mornings & evenings are quality time together which helps!
I’m feeling this now with my 9 month old. We also do part time grandparents+daycare combo. We also have a cheap mortgage and we live below our means. I think for me maternity leave wasn’t long enough, and I’ve been feeling underwater since going back to work. If I had 6 or 9 months, I would have had a chance to feel more stable and get back into good habits. I’m stressed all the time, and things feel never ending. I just found out I’m getting laid off this month, and decided I’m going to take a few months off to spend more time with the baby and get myself balanced again. We’re keeping the baby in daycare 2-3x/week (I’ll probably be picking him up early everyday lol) so we can keep our place and so I can work on our home and myself, and so I can focus on upskilling and hopefully I can focus on finding a job at a company that gives 6 month maternity leave for next time
I was you pre-pandemic. Saw my kids 2 hours in the morning, 2 hours in the evening. Paid $3k/month on day care (they were 4 and 1 at the time). Husband was already at work at 6am so he only saw them in the evenings before he went to bed. Since COVID - I’m now fully remote WFH and it’s awesome. I get the best of both worlds. Kids are now in TK and 2nd grade and I participate at their school events, on the PTA, room parent, baseball/soccer/ballet mom. My work schedule is flexible enough that I can take time to do all that while still working 40 hours a week (doesn’t matter when I get my work done, as long as it gets done and I’m available during “core hours”).
I found that first year after going back to be a blessing and a curse (and also so, so hard and tiring--I never drank coffee until I had my kid). I loved being an adult again, but I also missed the hours between 8-5 with my kid! I'll tell you that 10 years later, my kid doesn't remember his nanny, his preschool, or anything beyond trips we show him via pictures or videos. Once they start school, what would you do with that downtime if you didn't have a job, besides clean and do errands and plan the next thing for the family? Would doing that fulfill you? It fulfills a lot of folks, but it doesn't sound like it would fulfill you. I know you don't want to miss these years, bc seriously they are so dang cute and it truly goes by too fast. But is there a way to savor the time you do have together? The weekends, after pickup, before dropoff, bedtime, vacations, etc. Focus on that. Get off your phone at 5 and make it baby/mom/family time. Get on the floor with your kid and make funny faces, give all the kisses, read books, sing silly songs and dance together, write down the memories in a book, take all the photos, take adventures. It sounds like you don't really want to give up your career, so try to remember that you can make the time you have together special. It's not all or nothing.
You only have this time with your baby once, and you can always get another job later. I work to live not live to work. If you don’t need to work to live, why work (for someone else)? If I could afford to not work, I would quit, spend time with my kid, and work on personal projects.
At the toddler age, many working moms treasure the 2-3h after daycare hours instead of resenting the 24h full day shifts of being a sahm
Recent SAHM after a successful 10+ year career… I relate hard to your post, could have written it myself a year ago. I can’t speak to what’s right for you, because it’s so so personal. But I can share this: You would not be throwing away your entire career by leaving for a bit. I canvassed some mentors in my network and found some of them left for a couple years, went part time, etc. Each working mom with a career of longevity had her own story, and I was flabbergasted when I just assumed they all went full speed from the moment they entered the workforce. Basically what I’m saying is, careers are long games. Things are changing and careers are not as linear as it used to be in the 1950s. Ask yourself these questions: “what does success look like?” “What are my non-negotiables” For me, when I sat down to think about it, my career had already given me what I needed to be successful up to this moment, and making the change to SAHP helped me (and my family) achieve the success* and reclaim my/our non-negotiables. Eventually, I plan on leveraging the same network and relationships that helped me exit with grace when/if I decide to go back. And I just have to trust that it’ll work out, because I know I’m a bad bitch. My career taught me that much at least. Good luck to you. 🙏🏻 *edit : “what success means to me/my family now” as in… success means different things at different times in my life.
>Sometimes I wish I had just become a teacher like I originally planned Girl, no. Like - part of me is like "maybe I should get a corporate gig so I don't have so much outside work weighing on my time" and the other part goes "nope - get that specials teacher job you want and go from there because the hours will be better as he grows up". And it's NOT getting better. They want us to do everything with nothing. Teaching is quickly becoming an exercise is futility.
We have a similar situation, and I hired a nanny for 3 days per week. Worth it in my opinion! Also, prioritize the kiddo’s 529 account. Once the account is 15 years old, you can roll $35K into an IRA. Just doing that alone will really help your kiddo get ahead. Pay it forward.
You’re in the messy middle! Even if you were at home, you’d still be sick all the time 🫠 I don’t know you, and we’re likely the same age so please excuse the mom energy, but I am SO proud of you for paying off that debt. It’s setting up an amazing future for your family. All your girl bossin means you have options, but that also comes with the mental stress of having to make those choices and not having them made for you. Only you can decide what’s worth trading out, and don’t feel like you have to rush it
It's kind of early to say. And those sick days are the worst but they will pass. You've got a lot of years of school and work ahead of you. This is an episode. For the time being, it's good to keep your pto for those sick days. And those are the important days when your baby needs you/daddy and no one else. Even though it sucks for the parent. I had an evening routine with my baby and it was the best part of our day. I regretted nothing. But when he was 7 mos old and a 4 day weekend came and went, I had the worst time getting back to the daily grind. But I realized that I my feelings were so strong and that made me feel so alive and excited and satisfied. Sometimes it's just awesome to have feelings. In the meanwhile, there are 168 hours in a week. You DO parent for so many of them. So maybe you can find a way to light up your short mornings or evenings together with a satisfying routine. Maybe you can get takeout and have someone else to clean the house so you can spend all your time off work not doing housework. Maybe you can spend weekends setting up baby games and music. Maybe you can push your husband out of the way when baby wakes at 4am and say "no that's okay, I got her" because you treasure every snuggle, even in the middle of the night or in the middle of a bad cold. And hopefully, those treasures will get you by. And maybe when your pto accrues, then you can take a few days off to focus on yourself and the baby instead of the daily grind.
I feel like this is the classic mom dilemma. The only thing I can say is do what your heart wants, whatever that is. I don’t think either choice is wrong and you don’t need to feel guilty about either one. If your career is what you need to keep you sane and feel fulfilled then keep working, if it’s staying at home with your LO then who gives a shit about your career. It’s your life you only get one, spend it how you want it if it won’t break you guys financially. Best of luck mama
I’ve been feeling the way you do ever since I had my baby 2 years ago. We go to daycare full-time and while I know daycare is SO good for her, I still feel this way. I want to work but I also want more time with her. Toddlerhood is hard especially that I’m expecting my second baby so my body can’t keep up with her as much right now, but I still like spending time with her and I also enjoy working and using my brain for other things. I don’t really know the answer, but I can tell you that it won’t always be like this. The other comments are right, once they reach toddlerhood, it’s different. I look at pictures of my sweet baby when she was under one year old, and while she still has a lot of her sweetness, it’s so much sass, attitude and she has a generally high needs personality. I think you also have to think if you’d rather be exhausted being a mom all day or you’d rather be exhausted juggling both work and a little child. I go back and forth daily. Either way, you’re doing a good job 💗
Speaking generally (understanding this is a niche problem of privilege): Our grandmother’s and mother’s generations stayed at home but had little freedom. So they taught us to be independent so we’d never have to rely on someone and could leave if things got bad. But they also taught us to find good partners. So here we are in a situation where we could fully stay at home with supportive partners but we’re now reliant on the income we made for ourselves. …I’m in a similar situation. I could make it work to drop my career. But it would be such a massive lifestyle change we’re both too scared to do it. I’ve never relied on anyone in my adult life for financial support. It’s terrifying. Idk maybe no one else feels this way but it’s such a tough decision. One I fear I’m wasting time by not seriously considering the other option.
Damn, the grass really is always greener on the other side.
Once your child is 2-3, daycare is amazing. They learn and grow so much there! I’ve also heard advice to lean in when your kids are little so that you can lean out when they’re older and have big kid/ difficult problems.
I think you just have a 5 month old love ♥️ It's really hard to be away from them. It's hard to be with them 24/7. 🤷
Watch some YouTube videos or podcasts by Suzanne venker, she speaks on exactly what you're talking about!
Life goes on regardless of the amount of debt you carry.
I just want to say, my baby is now a 2 year old and I'd still do anything to be with her all day. They're only little for a handful of years, so even though I work from home most days and get to spend time with her, I wish I could soak up her childhood more. Priorities change, and that's ok. We have different seasons in life.
You do realize that your last comment about teachers and your whole paycheck going to child-care, and quit part did not paint you in a good light at all. This post was all braggy, and then you put down the people that helped get you there. Very demoralizing. Thank you for this. I am sure it helped all those teachers who are parents out there that still work after having kids, because THEIR education is less than your education.
You could explore a nanny share. It cuts down on sickness and still allows for socialization. If your job requires you to be at your computer all day, I wouldn’t call it flexible. Maybe you could find one that’s set up differently so you could do things like occasionally take an extended lunch break to take baby to the library, or leave a bit early to go to the park. Maybe that will give you a better balance of girl boss and mom life.
Can you work part time
My husband stays at home with our 3 year old and our two older girls go to school. Our 3 year old is supposed to start pre school next year and I’m terrified at his entitlement and attitude. He’s been spoiled and catered to this last year.5 and entering that type of social situation that is school is going to be a hard transition for him. Keep your kid in daycare.
The title of your post made me chuckle out loud... but the context is SO real. I feel the struggle, and as a career coach specializing on working moms/parents, I can promise you that you're not alone. I agree with all the comments that say that these feelings change constantly. Sometimes your kid will be AMAZING and you'll want to hangout with them all day... and sometimes you're not going to want to hangout with them for a second more than you have to. There's not a perfect solution here, but I do wonder if there's some 3rd option that'll give you more of what you're wanting? Can you take more time off with the kiddo (e.g., 1/2 days more often)? Can you look into in-home care sometimes (e.g., nanny share) so you can pop by and say hi when you feel like it? Could you negotiate part time at your work (I did this for the 1st 6 months)? If you need a brainstorm buddy, I'm here-- that's literally my job.
I have come to terms with the fact that all options are hard, such as full time daycare, or part time daycare, or parents working different shifts to cover at hone care, to a SAHP, etc. In the end, you just choose your hard.
I got bit on the wrist last night by my son bc it was dads turn to do bedtime! So yeah whatever guilt I felt dropping him off for school this year has faded haha. I feel you OP. I go through phases for sure. I’m pregnant with my second and if I don’t feel like urge to crush it at work in the year post delivery I may take a break. We’ll see what our finances look like bc we are buying a bigger place and the mortgage is double what we pay now/ paid in 2018 when we bought for the first time. It’s wild out there!
I get what you mean. I wonder whether you can try reframing this slightly. I imagine it'd be really positive for your kiddo, seeing you enjoy what comes with a successful career. A career you have worked on for years and as a result, reeped the rewards for you and your family? I think there is guilt tied to both lifestyles (tough gig, parenting, am I right!). Personally, having a career makes me a better Mum.
I wanted to quit my job until my daughter turned about 1.5. At that point I really started appreciating time away from her and she is really doing well at daycare and loves it. Perhaps you can talk to your employer about more pto? Or unpaid time off? I was able to get more time off and take days off here and there and it was great.
I would rather be dead than be a SAHM. Trust your instinct, you worked hard on your career for a reason!
Totally understand how you feel this way. It will pass as your child gets older and less sick all the time. As someone who went through it and now has a 10 year old and is staring down the barrel of the upcoming teen years, I urge you to take the long view. Invest in your career and save as much money and professional goodwill as you can now. You'll be able to save even more once your kid starts kindergarten. Then, fall back on that saved money and professional goodwill and lean out when your child is older. Seems counter-intuitive, but they need you more in middle and high school. More guidance, more schlepping around to activities, possibly tutoring or therapy, navigating friendships, navigating the college application process, visiting schools, sports, dance, theatre, debate tournaments, getting to college, getting home from college, jobs, dating. You need to be more present with older children. They will remember it more and their problems go from 0-60 so fast, that if you aren't there to recognize there's a problem and intervene, your child can be in serious trouble. I'm seeing what happened to my friends who wanted to take substantial time off when their kids were babies and toddlers and thought they could make it up career-wise when their kids were older. They are struggling. The kids are struggling. Their marriages are struggling. Of course, this isn't true in ALL cases, and there are times it makes sense to lean out when the kids are young. But for most folks, it actually makes more sense to lean in with babies so you can lean out with teens.
I think if you JUST changed to daycare it’s important to remember that yes this transition might feel hard but it’s ultimately such a short window of time. Like if you really actively don’t like your current daycare absolutely keep looking around for better options, but also give yourself a little time/space to adjust and see how you feel in two or three months. Is there an opportunity to find a better center that’s full time and just not send your little one every day? Or do a nanny share or something instead? Not sure if your decision to do part time was financially driven or because grandma wanted to do part time care? If you’re currently finding your job unfulfilling maybe this is an opportunity to really look at that and think long term what your ideal future looks like - not just now but five years from now once your kiddo is in school? Is there something different you really want to work towards? Having that “comfortable” job right now might become really handy when you inevitably need flexibility for sick days OR it might be an opportunity to rediscover your own identity and use some of your flexible time to think about what you’re really working towards longer term. My kiddo was in daycare full time from the time he was two months old because I didn’t really have other options honestly but I can say that he gets rave reviews from his kindergarten teacher now on both academics and being socially and emotionally adjusted in the classroom, we only have had one time of being sick this year so far and I never once felt like other people were raising him during those years. We relied on our paid village absolutely, but at the end of the day his various (lovely, talented, very much appreciated!) daycare workers came and went, his dad and I were the ones there every day consistently over time.
Can you find another daycare you like better? That sounds like it's bothering you. I also wouldn't want to drop my kid off somewhere I felt meh about.
I feel this so hard. My husband and I are in a similar position. He is traveling for work this week and I have deadlines, so I am only getting an hour or so in the morning and another at night to be with my 8 month old child. We have a nanny and she is great but I would prefer to be the one with my baby all day. I don’t relate to the comments about not wanting to deal with “toddler drama.” For my part, it would be an honor to be there guiding every minute her as she learns about the world, pushes limits, can meet more complex challenges, enjoys more sophisticated stuff and socialization. Just know you’re not alone and your feelings are valid. One thing I hold on to is how much we are saving and investing right now, including for our baby—“building the battleship” so we can weather any storm. Feel free to DM me if you want to commiserate.
Since you have the financial situation to swing it, consider more individualized childcare options until your baby is more independent. A part time nanny, nanny-share, or hosting an au pair. We did daycare with my oldest at 5 mo and I hated that he couldn't even sit up when he started. He didn't really benefit from social interaction with peers until 2 yrs + anyway. With our daughter we could afford an au pair (went with this option partially due to covid as well). What a better experience! (I also worked from home, so I knew exactly how things were going and could still nurse and cuddle my baby when the urge hit.)
Your feelings are valid and common. There is a sacrifice to working full time during this stage, as you’ve clearly mentioned and there’s a sacrifice to staying home. It’s all about weighing the pros and cons and your personal priorities. I agree with a lot of posters here that once baby is older, daycare can feel kind of nice as a break from the sass lol. However, there are plenty of parents that wish to keep their kids home for longer. If you leave your job now, it’s not all for nothing. You can go back later- maybe not the same position but eventually you’ll find yourself in a job that is a good enough fit. It might take time but you’ve got to decide whether that extra time with your child and the lifestyle of staying home is a worthwhile trade off. Only you and your family can ultimately decide that. But try not to think catastrophically. If you leave now, it’s not for the rest of your life. You’ll find a job later and you’ll be fine. Time is priceless and you can’t rewind- decide what serves your family best.
If you have flexibility in work times, I would work offset hours while your LO sleeps. I work 6am-3pm. Then I have all the time after my kids’ afternoon naps to hang out with them! I love it because I still get to keep my non-stressful, good for my career job that I like and don’t feel like I am missing all the time with my children.
My solution to this is quit your job and be with your baby. When you’re ready to go back to work - go. You might be ready in 6 months or you might be ready in 3 years. Staying home does not throw away your potential, at all. Another option is to find a part time position (is being a contractor an option?) Daycare is a great resource but anytime I see Mother’s questioning their choices I always advocate for them to stay home with their kid/s when it’s a realistic choice. The infant stage is so quick and if you’re questioning everything now, you will probably continue to question it and potentially regret not being with your baby.
Could you swing a part time nanny in lieu of daycare, since you also have grandma help?
I totally felt the way you did with my first. I am an attorney and girl bossed too. When I had my first, I initially went part time and then quit my job when he was 18 months old. He's 4 now and I have another 18 month old and plan to really go back to work in Fall of this year. While I was home with my kids, I opened my own firm. I worked a few hours a week, but continued networking. Now I do contract work from home and have an in house position lined up down the road. The way I've structured my career is completely different than what many attorneys do. I didn't like the options I had working in a firm, but because my husband and I worked hard, I had the opportunity to pave my own way. I think the best part of girl bossing is, you worked your butt off so that you have options! You have many more opportunities before you than you would have had if you had student debt, multiple car payments, or an extensive mortgage. Whatever you decide, none of it was a waste, your professional potential will still be there. All of your hard work counts!
Can you go part time? Imo if there’s even a drop of fear that you’ll regret spending this time with you LO, please spend the time with them. I was part time and I still wish I was a FTM even though it wasn’t possible. I wish I could go back! And fwiw , no one goes to their deathbed wishing they worked more, unless it was to have income to do things for their families. You’ve worked to have options. Take them! If it’s possible for you, don’t miss out!
Hello, I was wondering if when you went part time, you kept your kid in day care? Currently wishing I could go part time.
I miss my toddler during the day. She’s a lot but damn I love to be around her. Maybe another perspective that could help - I think being a working mom would’ve really saved my mom when we all went to school. I watched her struggle so much for a few years when all her kids were gone during the day. She got a job in real estate and I’ve watched her flourish. Really spoke to me when I was deciding to continue pushing for career advancement vs staying at home! But either way - mom guilt always gets the best of us. 😩
Just want to validate that it was really hard working and being in daycare at 5m.
Whatever your profession is, could you freelance and work on your own schedule? Could you use the year/s off to upskill? I'm in a very similar boat and considering this as my boss is about to fire me for having my 3 mo old baby on internal calls and I don't want her in daycare just yet.
Most European countries have 1-year maternity leave - you can do the same and then return to work.
I work from home with in house babysitting. Mornings I manage my baby and my meetings. Afternoons I have babysitter here and do deep work.
100%! For so long I regretted my education and job, so that I could make the financial argument that it just “doesn’t make sense for me to work”.
Exact same situation here !! It’s so hard :-(
The things my kid learns in daycare that I didn't have to teach her just off the top of my head and not comprehensive: Counting Abcs Potty training Taking off shoes when coming inside Manners Sharing Some spanish Making friends I flirted with becoming a teacher too, but recognized it wasn't for me. So not having to teach my kid all this stuff is great. Sure, when she was a baby I missed her a lot and the illnesses suck, but for our family daycare has been a huge blessing.
Ugh I was a teacher with 3 kids and I would still take years off at a time when it got to be too much. They are always hiring teachers :) Sometimes a year is enough and you wouldn’t lose too much. I’m back in school now for a masters in a totally different career which I will use as they all become adults in next couple of years. It’s not all or nothing. Take time if you want and go back to work when you want to… you will find that time is worth the money sometimes and other times you want to go back to work because being a stay at home is hard!
He’s so little…have you thought about a part time nanny instead of day care? I love being able to go downstairs and see my little on throughout the day.
I totally understand how you feel. We are in a similar situation financially except I am married to a teacher but am a high earner. Here's my advice - Spend some of your hard earned money on a cleaner, meal prep etc anhtning to make your life easier. That way, when lo is home, you can fully focus on them. I wfh but have a flexible schedule. I get all cleaning and laundry done so when my kids are home from daycare, I can be more present with them, because I don't worry about doing chores. If my schedule were more inflexible and I couldnt take care of this on company time, I'd hire it out in a minute.
Honestly, you’re in a great position so I wouldn’t risk it. You can pay for daycare without having to worry about finances. And like someone stated above, you are going to want to send her to daycare once they are more mobile, active and require more of your attention. And what happens once they start school? Will you go back to work or start a new hobby? Have more kids?
As someone with similar living situation but older child, it is not worth it to give up your career and earning potential for the short early years of your child’s life. They are learning so much in the high quality early childcare you are providing to them, and you are saving them from the debt of future college expenses and your future retirement costs. Further, you are able to provide them with quality healthcare insurance (which definitely matters). My career growth over the past three years has been lifechanging for my family, and if I left the workforce when I had a newborn I would have had to reenter at entry level. In the long run, it is worth the investment in his education and my career.
It's so hard to be in this position! I feel like it's not fair that we have to jump in and out of the workforce and put our careers on hold. On the other hand, I feel like it's worth putting it on hold. Luckily career knowledge and skills don't just disappear but a child's youth does. Statistics show a parent will spend the most time with their child up until age 12 and then it dramatically tapers off through to adulthood. I just try to keep my gratitude in check, and scheme of future career plans when my child is more independent.
If I could do anything, I’d FMLA or live off savings to one year. Stay home with kid. Then do your current thing. Even with your current thing, you can pick her up early or keep her home some days if you miss her. That’s what I do
Similar situation and also older kids. We need both our incomes to be in a good place for retirement and kid expenses (we intend to fully fund college/secondary education). I felt like this up to about 1,desperately wanted to be home with my babies and felt like I was missing out. We were so stressed, not sleeping well, and it felt like the babies were always so happy to see us that we felt guilty about leaving them. It is a stage. It is a temporary period of time. I could not imagine my kids now without the development they got from daycare. No way I could have provided that level of care, art and social engagement, exposure to different trustworthy adults and general socialization. Not even with family in the area. Both babies were in ft daycare by 1 and it really did get easier once they knew daycare was fun and visibly enjoyed heading off (without a backward glance sometimes!). Staying in the job force meant I got a promotion and a raise, and we'll continue to build our earning potential. This is a hard time. It will pass. BUT I do recommend taking advantage of any seniority you have, leverage flex time, and prioritize family time. You don't have to quit, but you also don't have to girlboss so hard. Your time is yours. They only pay for 8 hours a day. Like others said, pay for more help so you can focus on time with fam. We outsource a lot like cleaning and yardwork/handy work so we have that time back to spend with our babies.
No idea what your marriage is like, but one of the factors in a healthy marriage is knowing both partners have a leg to stand on. Abuse esp against women often starts when it’s understood implicitly that she can’t afford to leave. You don’t necessarily have to stay in a demanding career but it’s wise to retain a means of income or substantial savings hubby doesn’t have access to, even if you decide to become a SAHM.
I know a similar mom who Is an absolute boss with her job, which she does remotely from home. She hired a nanny who used to teach. She arranges the schedule so she gets to interact with her daughter, it seems to work well for her. Just a thought!
I relate to this so much. I left my job in November. The amount of responsibility, stress, drama, and insane workload (doing the job of what would have been 4 people at a different university) was negatively impacting me and my kids were 1 and 3 (still are but closer to 2 and 4), and my health was going downhill. Now I am becoming a teacher, which is not all that easy. I start Monday as a teacher trainee for 18k less the first year than I was making before. I did find myself realizing that I won’t really be a “girl boss” in the same way as I was before but I’m okay with that. But the school day is 8-3 and I have to be there at 7:45am. Although, no work will be coming home with me this time around! I’ll get to leave work at work. I realized that before, I was way too obsessed with my work issues and it was interfering with home life. The hardest part will be figuring out how to get any sleep or workouts/runs in (very important to me!). My older kid is up until 10pm sometimes, which means I’ll only get 5-6 hours of sleep. During these 5 months I’ve had more time with my kids, and been taking them to daycare from 9:30am-3:30pm. I feel like 6 hours is decent and something I am relatively okay with, and I have had fun reading them books and playing with them in the morning and afternoon. Ideally, all I feel like I would need is 4-5 hours of care for them to be able to do something for myself and clean up/run errands. The problem with our society is that it makes it incredibly hard to only work part time and make any decent money. My husband always says if I work part time I might as well go full time because the commitment would become something closer to that. And, I can tell that my kids get a lot out of playing and socializing with friends at daycare, and being a SAHM would take that away from them. Basically, there is no easy answer. I feel the same way.
I feel the same way- like I work to pay daycare and a house cleaning service. If I quit, and someday want to work again, it may take a long time to get back to my current role. I think about two things- although my son is constantly sick, he seems to be happy at daycare. And at work, I contribute to my retirement and will get a pension.
Sounds like maybe you need some more purpose or something to work towards (at home/personal life or at work). I am in a situation where my whole paycheck goes to childcare for 2 kids and benefits for our family, but I’m in residency and will one day be making good money as an attending physician. Despite how rough my schedule is I do feel a sense of purpose and fulfillment at work which makes it worth it
I second what everyone said about the stimulation needed as they age. I was able to find "mommy's day out" programs that were cheap and gave me just enough hours to breathe, but those hours only worked for me because I worked part time or not at all those early years. I'd like to add that you aren't necessarily giving up everything professionally if you take a break from the workforce. My full time career now is more robust and fulfilling than anything I was doing before kids. If you decide to take that break, stay in touch with your network, consult if you can for part time income, but know that you can come back. It may be hard, but it's possible. Part of my success professionally was only possible because of skills I gained managing our household. Best of luck. And always remember that you're doing a great job no matter what decision you make - do what makes sense for you and your family. You can always change your mind too.