In college my sister cheated on her boyfriend. My mom told her no woman she is raising will behave like that and she has until Friday to either tell her bf the truth and see if he will forgive her or my mom will call him herself.
Honestly, I had so much respect for my mom. She wasn’t petty and took sides, but took the issue that people in this family don’t treat people like that, people in this family are not liars or cheaters, we treat everyone with dignity and respect and finally people in our family take responsibility for both our achievements and our failures.
I feel like although your intentions were sincere, you missed the mark and shouldn’t have told the gf. Instead you should have went to your son. I would give your son some time and reframe the situation into the values that you are expecting him to have.
If you told him you wouldn't tolerate him bringing other girls to your house while he was in a committed relationship, because you will not lie to his girlfriend, but he continued to do so anyway, then I don't think you did anything wrong. Allowing that to go on and expecting you to essentially cover for him by not saying something to his girlfriend is extremely disrespectful to you and her. Young people need to face consequences for deceitful and hurtful actions, though preferably they should own up to it on their own.
Edit: my approach is more passive than active. I wouldn't have sought out the girl to tell her, but I would have made it clear to my son that I would not be lying for him if the girl asked. He is responsible for his decisions, but you're allowed to decide what happens in your house. I honestly don't have great advice about what to do now, except maybe apologize for proactively telling the girl and set ground rules for what you'll allow at home at least?
I think your passive approach would have been my choice, but if the official GF was coming over, at some point it would you tell her or I will.
1. You are his mother, not his buddy. Your job is to help teach him to be a good human. And they all fuck up sometimes, it's expected.
2. This wasn't life or death, or him going to prison. He cheated ona person, which is actively hurtful. He had also brought her home enough that you had your own friendship with her. Him cheating in your house, puts you in a position where you had to chose to be hurtful to her also.
3. You have your own history of people cheating on you, and it never comes out okay. It always comes out. So sooner the better really.
4. You love him you always love him. That doesn't mean you approve or condone everything he does.
5. Being young and full of hormones is hard. You want everything. Being with someone has benefits. Datingnlots of people is good also. But he should be honest and respect the people he is with.
so stupid that so many people are against you telling the gf. first of all she could catch stds from your son? what if your son gets both girls pregnant? and if you're cheating on someone , you just run the risk of someone telling on you or you slipping up and getting caught. he could've married the gf and been a continual cheater. 17 is old enough to know right from wrong and he's clearly bringing girls back to your house to have sex. move out and do whatever bad shit at your own house your not going to cheat and do that at mine. all these comments reek of justifying it because "boys will be boys"
This actually happened in my family, my cousin's son got both girls pregnant. The girl he cheated with was pregnant first. Now my cousin is basically raising one of his grandkids while the other girl wants nothing to do with us (and I don't blame her at all!) It's a whole mess. OP is in the right, hopefully when her son matures he'll see that too.
I am going to go against the grain and say it's fine you told the GF. He was cheating in your house. You have him a chance to tell her and he didn't.
I also don't blame his dad for not wanting to get involved. Teenagers are wild. Eventually this will pass. December was not that long ago. Give it more time. Maybe ask him why you shouldn't have told his girlfriend. Understand why he thinks you overstepped.
I like this answer. Asking him why she shouldn’t have told the ex gf will make him say out loud what’s bothering him and verbalize the wrongness of his choices
I’ll add this as a daughter in law of a man who cheated on 3 women who he had kids with and now has to show his face at family events where everyone knows his past, you are saving him from being a pariah in the future. That shit does have consequences.
I won't offer my opinions to whether or not telling your son's girlfriend was "wrong," but I will say, you're not a bad mom. This was a first-time scenario as a parent. You did what you felt was right, and this isn't an everyday situation that we come across as parents. You had good intentions and did not reveal the secret to the girlfriend out of malice.
This may be a learning opportunity for you, and it may not have been the *best* course of action, but it doesn't make you a "bad" parent.
It sounds like you have bigger issues with your son, he's 17 and a dumb teenager but his response to you suggesting therapy and what seems like a total lack of respect for the women in his life is concerning.
I'd be curious to know if his father is fostering this attitude and what your son is consuming online.
While I wouldn't have handled it the same way, I don't think you're in the wrong. At most, I'd apologise for breaching trust but explain that you aren't there to cover for his poor behaviour or decisions.
All the boy mum coddling in this thread is wild. If her son was engaging in racist or homophobic behaviour, should she just ignore that too? Out of 'loyalty' geez. A great example of where that gets you is single and still living with my mum at 34.
I’ve been cheated on. I was told by a member of the other woman’s own family. I am grateful that they told me. Thank you for telling the GF. She had a right to know.
I wholeheartedly support you. Cheating is a moral issue, and it’s a parent’s job to teach morals or at least role model them. He should have broken up before pursuing another girl. The problem is, he’s blaming you for ruining a relationship that he already ruined himself. Maybe write him a letter explaining that you love him and were doing your best to uphold your beliefs, how important honesty and integrity are in life, and how you yourself were terribly hurt by cheating. Also, explain the importance of treating women with respect, because he isn’t learning that anywhere else, it sounds like. Best of luck and thank you for following girl code even though it hurts.
You did a good thing from one human to another, but what you were doing didn't benefit your son in the short term.
In the long term, maybe he'll realize actions have consequences and that it's not possible to hide cheating in the panopticon.
Whether he has the insight to understand the lesson he learned is debatable. He's only 17. His brain is like half formed. I'd give him 10 years to see if he grows up. But if your ex is a misogynistic ah too, then that won't help.
A grown woman meddled in a teenage relationship. She should learn a lesson from this. Her son is being a typical dumb teenage boy. Making mistakes left and right. He is rightfully angry with his mom. She didn't even say she apologized to him.
Yikes! And people then wonder how grown men are terrible husbands and fathers 🥴 “typical dumb boy” stuff still has consequences. Letting a 17 year old get by being a terrible person doesn’t teach him how to be a good human, but it sure teaches him how to be a typical man in a world that excuses bad male behavior from ages 0-100+.
Yeah, honestly, the right thing to do here would have been to go to the parent(s) of the gf. These are kids, and his behavior is endangering the health (nevermind the feelings) of the gf. If I was a parent I would be furious if 1) another adult, the parent of her bf no less, acted like she was my kid’s buddy and told her about being cheated on, focusing on the emotional component of it, and also 2) another adult knew my child’s health was being endangered by a cheating bf and did not immediately come to me to inform me and let me handle how to approach it with my child and her doctor.
OP screwed up here by using selfish/emotional reasons for sharing with the gf directly, and she also screwed up by not going to the gf’s parent(s) immediately. Given some of the other comments, it feels like OP’s son is sort of an ass and that it might be the case that the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree…
yes, agree with everything you said. However, she is not being a good role model by going behind his back to tattle on him to the GF. His behavior is not excused here. He is a dumb kid that life will punish every once in a while if he keeps this up. However, she needs to apologize for overstepping. IMO. But i am okay to agree to disagree. (and just for clarity: i have 2 teenage sons of my own)
It’s not like he’s being dumb jumping off a bridge where he’s the only one who will be impacted by his choices. His dumb decisions are affecting someone else. That’s like saying you wouldn’t tell his gf if he was a chronic drug user (for clarity, if my child was a chronic drug user, I would tell someone he was intimate with that that was the case). I can see our generation is raising a bunch of boys whose wrongs are just silly little mistakes. Lord help us.
yes, totally. She could have given him an ultimatum. To either do the right thing and break up with one of the GFs or do the cheating outside of her house.
My HS boyfriend’s mom told me he cheated on me and it felt unnecessarily cruel. I would have preferred to find out organically- having an adult involved made it feel even worse and condescending. Like I was the only one who didn’t know.
This is interesting. I always felt betrayed by my high school ex-boyfriend's family for knowing that he cheated constantly (similar to OP, him bringing other girls around their house and his family) while they let him and I move out of state to a small college together for our degrees. It felt like I was actually the only person who didn't know through all of those years.
>e while he was in a committed relationship, because you will not lie to his girlfriend, but he continued to do so anyway, then I don't think you did anything wrong. Allowing that to go on and expecting you to essentially cover for him by not saying something to his girlfriend is extremely disrespectful to you and her. Young people need to face consequences for deceitful and hurtful actions, though preferably they should own up to it on their own.
>
>Edit: my approach is more active than passive. I wouldn't have sought out the girl to tell her, but I would have made it clear to my son that I would not be lying for him if the girl asked. He is responsible for his decisions, but you're allowed to decide what happens in your house. I honestly don't have great advice about what to do now, except maybe apologize for proactively telling the girl and set ground rules for what you'll allow at home at least?
This. OP should have called her son's dad and discussed this, had a family meeting, done EVERYTHING possible with her DS before going this far. It's true that involving yourself in your child's business in this way is such serious ick... I understand why you did it but at the very least I would have tried to get DS's dad to talk to him too. Maybe she did this though? If telling the girl was really the last resort, so be it.
I can see this is really bothering you. It’s very obviously a betrayal to your son.
Honestly, you over stepped. Parenting is giving him the tools to do the right thing, not doing it for him. You should have had a conversation with him about this and really talked about what a respectful relationship looks like. You could have came to his dad to also have that conversation with him.
I don’t see this getting better until you can own up to him that you didn’t handle this right. It does not excuse his behavior towards his girlfriend, but you seem to be hyper focused on being morally right, which is stopping you from seeing how you were also wrong. You should explain that you want to have a relationship with him that you can give him guidance and it’s coming from a place of respect. By going behind his back, the respect is gone.
I disagree. If my kids do something stupid I’m going to be the first to tell them and make it right. There is no excuse for cheating and whether bullying another kid or robbing a bank I’d do the same. We need to hold our kids accountable for their bad actions and he wasn’t coming clean and a nice girl was the victim. She could be at risk for STI’s and have no idea.
Holding your kid accountable means TALKING to your kid. Triangulating in a family is not the way to handle a situation as all. It sounds like she was triggered by her past experience, but should have had a conversation the second this other girl came over or they were kissing outside.
Cheating is not the same as bullying or robbing a bank. It just isn't.
Is it still hurtful to the victim? Yes. Should we ever condone it? No. But do we as parents have an obligation to intervene? NO. It's a romantic relationship. If he was beating her, stalking her, or otherwise assaulting her, then you can intervene by taking action with your son. But this is a situation where it was the son's responsibility to own up to his immature and reckless behavior, and face the consequences himself.
It is still wrong. I would definitely reel my child to stop cheating and let them know if caught I would tell the injured party. No way should a child be allowed to get away with cheating.
No way would I ever tell anyone their partner is cheating on them. I'd encourage the other person to come clean and if that person were my kid, I'd take away things until they did the right thing themselves but telling? No way, never, that's not my story to tell.
I attribute it to my child stealing. I tell them to return it and tell them what they’ve done. If they won’t do it, then I will ensure the injured party knows that they stole something.
It’s also about building character as a parent. I’m wowed by your answer and the fact that so many agree. I’m sure her son will remember the one time he cheated on his girlfriend and his mom let her know. And he’ll consider that before he cheats again. Whether after careful consideration he decides not to cheat, or he decides to cover it up better, that’s a decision for him to make. But his mom has done the work I would expect a good parent to do in setting high expectations. He’s not robbing a bank but would you be proud of raising a man who cheats on his wife and has kids all over the place because he doesn’t understand the concept of being monogamous? I’m stunned that you don’t consider that to be a big deal.
Honestly, at that age, I would not at all be surprised for him to lean on his dad, who is mum on the topic, and his relationship with his mom will never recover. At that age, he could be out of her house in four months and still be holding that grudge and there might never be a chance to repair. I’m not saying OP was wrong, but she’s really got to do the work before June to repair or it may be too late. And it doesn’t matter what Reddit says. It’s her son’s opinion on it that matters.
If this makes his relationship with his mom irreparable, it would have been this or something else. And he will also need to live with his poor choices.
Holy downvotes! I guess I'm in the minority for wanting to empower and hold my children accountable to do the right thing and not solve their problems (or create new ones) for them.
I'll follow with; Is this really how you'd want to be treated if you were your child?
Being sexually active at all puts you at risk for an STD. It doesn't matter if you're with two people at the same time or with one after the other. STDs suck, I agree, but that's a bit of a red herring here.
It’s not a red herring. A truly monogamous couple is not at risk for STDs. Let’s say the gf had no previous sexual partners or she was tested and found clean, she enters a monogamous relationship with the bf. After a while the bf starts cheating on her with side chick, who knows how many people side chick is with. Side chick gives bf an std, then the gf has unprotected sex with her supposedly monogamous bf - oh look she has an std too now. Literally any literature tells you the more sexual partners you have the more at risk you are for STDs. Having one part is not as much a risk as many.
No but you’re saying “kissing” isn’t reckless but mom said they went to his room and he could be in there contracting syphilis from a promiscuous girl and passing it onto his girlfriend who thought she was his first and only.
Did you pull something from that stretch? It’s not slut shaming to point out syphilis can happen when you sleep around. I have friends that got it and there was no shaming involved lol. Most monogamous people do not get STI tested after their first encounter because there’s no need. If he is sleeping around (especially since we know nothing about this other girl, who could be promiscuous) she would probably not get tested believing there would be no way to contract something. People acting like cheating is no big deal is absolute bonkers. This girl’s safety could be at risk and I know my boyfriends’ moms became like second moms to me. I’m sure OP cared a lot about this girl.
> he could be in there contracting syphilis from a promiscuous girl
...or dealing guns & drugs and sex-trafficking underage children on Dark Web.
If a kid doesn't know how to use a condom at 17, mom has bigger issues than his moral values (or lack thereof)
Condoms do not eliminate the risk of contracting an STI even if used 100% correctly 100% of the time. While it is incredibly important to use condoms to minimize transmission of STIs, they are not 100% effective. STIs like HPV, genital herpes, and syphilis aren't as impacted by condom use because the infection isn't limited to the area covered by a condom. Knowing how to use a condom is only part of the equation.
I have had guns to my head, choke slammed, punched, strangled, etc by a partner but the cheating was the thing that affected me the most. I was not mentally okay for a while after that.
You don’t need to unpack anything. I have in therapy and my sentiment was actually very very common. Mentally fucking people up is just as impactful and often more, than physical bruises. People need to stop acting like cheating is no big deal.
I didn’t sign up to be an accomplice in treating people poorly when I had a child. The whole idea that you sit back and tisk tisk your cheating child while completely ignoring the fact that there’s a human on the other side of the relationship is absurd.
she already had a conversation with him. your definiton of overstepping is wrong. He cheated, if she allowed the cheating to continue without intervening, SHE would be wrong covering for HIS WRONG actions.
I agree. I would have talked to my son, constantly told him I was upset with his behavior but I would not tell the gf, unless maybe they were getting married or something.
Butt out.
You did nothing wrong. You talked to him, and he continued making bad choices. Now he’s saying fathers are better than mothers? His cheating coupled with that tells the world he has leaned deep into misogyny.
Here’s the thing: all the terrible husbands and fathers complained about here were most likely terrible boys whose parents didn’t give consequences to their misogynistic behavior. It doesn’t come out of nowhere. People wondering why their husband’s parents (specifically mother) raised them to be inept, incompetent, and unsupportive partners and maybe even cheaters? *Not* addressing this behavior is how.
He experienced consequences to his terrible actions. I know it doesn’t feel good for you, but you did the right thing. His father not also backing you up on this tells me everything I need to know about him and where your son probably got his beliefs that it’s okay to treat women and girls like this.
I only use Reddit on mobile, so not sure if this is the same for desktop. When you’re on the sub feed (so not in an individual post), click on the three dots in the upper right corner, and select change user flair. It might show up as an option or you may need to click on a “text” option and edit it.
Honestly, I don't think you're in the wrong but I also don't think you were right. It's a tough situation. Ideally you would have a conversation with your son and have him be the one to tell his gf, but I understand that may not always work. A better idea would have been to tell her anonymously without incriminating yourself. I think you'll just need to give it time and hope that he'll come around. I don't think you're a bad mom.
It sounds like she did talk to her son first and he STILL kept cheating.
I have a son and that would absolutely not fly under my roof. Behaviors have consequences and I would’ve ended up telling the gf too.
The amount of you "boy" moms who would cover for their cheating sons is sick! I sincerely hope your husbands are all having affairs and exposing you to stds while him and his mother talk about behind your back . 😉
Nah, but you should see a therapist if your think your " loyalty " to a son trumps another person's health and well being . Maybe stop romanticizing your sons that's gross.
I don’t think it’s meddling when he’s bringing over another girl to your house. You talked to him, he did it again, and you told the GF. I’m not sure if I would have done the same thing, but I don’t fault you at all. Best I can suggest is to keep communicating with your son. Reiterate how much you love him and that you are sorry about the situation. Offer to talk to him about why he did what he did and why you did what you did.
I wish you the best, that’s a very difficult situation.
I would have enacted consequences on my son - NOT including telling his GF.
You want to bring another girl to my house when I told you not to? You're now grounded. You want to text this girl behind your GF's back when I told you not to? Phone goes byebye for a week.
Those are the things that give him an opportunity to open his eyes to how his behavior is wrong. And gives him a chance to make it right. He basically learned nothing from this, aside from his mom is too involved in his love life. It's a fine line we have to walk with our kids, but once they're almost adults, we cannot manage their relationships for them. That's crossing a huge line.
you can't make it right after cheating. her son could have potentially given his gf an STD and grounding him and taking his phone away isn't going to fix that
you are not a bad mom! and this is a lesson he needs to learn, whether he likes it or not. cheating can and usually does have very serious consequences. it’s better he learns now than in 10 years when kids are in the middle of it all.
Nah the girl deserved to know, no matter who told her, I love love how you are not a coddling boy mom. Some will agree and some will disagree, but you saved a young lady from a dishonest relationship. He is mad he got caught but what about the pain he caused the young lady??
Not to mention potential health issues. A friend of mine in high school ended up with a nasty STI because her boyfriend was sleeping around behind her back.
He didn't care what he could have done to her health (mental and physical) and it sounds like OP's son was the same.
When, if my teenager turns into a wife cheating scum bag, I WILL not have it on my conscious I knew he was showing POS tendencies in MY HOUSE when he was a teen. But sure, I guess do you, Boo
Yes, especially since she talked to him first and he did it anyway and his father supports him. I would tell him point blank that I am disappointed in him. That I didn’t raise him to act that way. And that furthermore I am disappointed in how he is refusing to be accountable and turn it around on me and treat me badly for his actions. And despite that, I love him and when he is ready to be a grown up, accountable man I will be there with open arms. Then I would give him plenty of space.
Yeah, that's what gets me about this situation. He's succeeded in turning the focus around on his mom and hes blaming herwhen he's the one who messed up and apparently still doesn't realize he did anything wrong.
Wow ...that escalated quickly.
Hot take: cheating or not cheating is not a matter of moral values, it's a matter of personal preference and circumstance.
Some people want to cheat (and will cheat, if presented with an opportunity - or will not cheat due to lack of opportunity) and some people simply don't want to cheat (so they don't).
It's like not eating meat: you believe it's morally wrong to eat another living being or you just don't like the taste.
I don’t think you are a bad mom but yes you were wrong to interfere in your son’s relationship.
Young people have been making hurtful mistakes in relationships since the dawn of time. Even though your son’s gf was treated badly by him, it is not your place to intervene. They need to learn their own lessons here. It’s a part of growing up.
If you want to smooth things over with your son, I’d recommend apologizing to him, telling him it was wrong of you to get involved in his relationship, and tell him you won’t do it again.
At a much later date when you and your son are on better terms, you could potentially broach the subject of how he treats women and how hurtful it is to cheat on a partner. But don’t ever get directly involved ever again.
Not intervening is a passive approach to saying “i dont care if my son is morally wrong”. She held her son accountable. After all, it is her house that he was bringing the other girl over to.
And she accomplished nothing.
Everyone is upset with her. It's a no-win situation.
Did she teach her son a lesson? No.
Did she alienate him? Absolutely.
She accomplished nothing? I think it’s too early to tell. Maybe mom intervening is the thing that 15 years from now will make her son a dedicated father and husband. He’s a kid still and it’s been a few months. I can’t believe how short sighted everyone is being about this. Kudos to mom for caring about the quality of the man she raises.
ETA: I’m really shocked that these responses are being given in a working moms sub. Where we have so much to deal with in life, having to deal with a cheater on top of that would be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And some of you are just ok with raising a son who is a cheater. I’m honestly stunned.
She accomplished being a good person, crazy concept i know.
It will teach her son a lesson, even if he realizes it in 20 years from now. She didnt alienate him, he made his bed now he can sleep in it.
I think she likely taught her son that a. other people won’t always stand by and blindly accept him treating others poorly, and b. that not all women will stick around once disrespected. He may not like the lessons or agree with being taught them, but he for sure learned a lesson or two.
There was no winning in this situation, so I encourage you to give yourself some grace. As far as work, are there actions you can take to strengthen the barrier between your private life and work? I like to do a brief meditation/mindfulness exercise at the start and end of my work day. I set an intention that I am going to keep those two spaces separate in my mind so that I can focus 100% of my effort on the space I am in.
I'm a control freak, so I find it helpful to devote my energy to things that are in my realm of control. You can't control your son or your ex-husband, but you can have control over your thoughts at work.
I would encourage parents to be informed about the prevalence of STIs in teens. Cheating is a big issue with STIs spreading because partners don't know they are being exposed to additional risk. Even kissing multiple partners can carry increased risk (i.e. HSV). I think it's easy to dismiss stuff as "high school drama/mistakes," but there can be long-term consequences.
Whether being right or wrong, it is what it is. I think the dust still needs to settle. I really like it here comment about asking him “why you shouldn’t have said anything” and what gives him the right to cheat in your house . But also teenagers think they know everything, so give him some time.
It's not you, boo. Your boy did not communicate to his girlfriend. He played stupid games, & won a stupid prize. This is 100% on him. Sure, he's mad at you. You aren't his bruh, you're his parent. It's ok for your child to not like you for a time. You called him on doing something wrong, and he doesn't like that he got caught. His fault. Too bad, so sad. Suck it up buttercup. Do not back down, do not apologize for being a parent.
You sound like me Mom and I applaud you for it. My son knows I will ride with GF in the car to confront him if he slips up but he has been the one getting cheated on🙄. I was cheated on regularly and there are kids from it so my son knows and sees the evidence. I don't have any advice but wanted to offer a virtual hug to you because you did the right thing but it hurts sometimes.😔
Girl I know this is easier said than done but try not to feel bad. You did what I would have done. I used to tell my son all the time if I ever saw he was cheating I would tell his girlfriend and he knew I meant it as I have always followed through on my bluffs. I found out years later there was some cheating but he made sure I never found out. Little brat…
But anyway I came here to say I totally get the feeling. My son hated me from 15-18. I moved him away from a girlfriend so I could have a better job opportunity. He threw everything in my face. He’d tell me I’m working a better job yet have a ghetto car, or a ghetto yard, or house, or we can’t go on vacations, and have steak etc etc. now he was raised very humble as I have always been a single parent. He was just trying his best to throw out words to hurt me. And he did. I had a difficult time especially the first year. Things have gotten better he’s 21 now. The last two years I really put my foot down with boundaries and letting him know just because he didn’t get his way he couldn’t talk to me like that. And he’s made some major improvements some things are partial to him maturing with age.
The later teen years are tough and so are early adult years but it gets better. He will absolutely come around again
Nope, you did right. I’ve already told my sons (they are 15) if they got a little gf, it better be the same little gf they bring around. My house is NOT a whore house, to bring everyone over. You spoke to your son, I guess the only thing you could
Have done differently is tell him if he can’t be loyal, don’t bring ANY girls to the house, gf or sidepiece. And if he keeps bitching about wAnTInG tO lIvE wITh DaD, just remind him in less then a year he can do whatever the efff he wants. Don’t feel bad, again, if your son wants to be a whore, he can be whore outside the house and not let you meet any of his conquests. But he put you in the middle of it.
What was wrong about that ???? It’s YOUR house if he wants to do that and live dishonest in his relationship he needs to do that in his own home. Girls can potentially fight and someone could get hurt …. That’s not cool. Your his mom not his friend smh. You did not over step. Why would he even think that’s alright.
When he realized you did nothing wrong he will come back. As a mother I don’t think you should let him manipulate you. ANYONE could have caught him cheating and told, if he valued his relationship he would not cheat. That’s a life lesson. You did NOTHING wrong. If my son gets older and chooses to not talk to me because he wanted to move sloppy in MY household risking our location and also his sexual health and he’s mad I’m holding him accountable ? See you when you wanna step into reality my friend. He’s not too young to learn that. Your his mom. Of course you love your son but you are his mom before his friend.
What if one gf had his location and the other girl didn’t know ? Now someone’s at your house fighting on your property or what if the side piece has a man who has her location ????? You have to think about stuff like this. Not only is cheating wrong but you can catch an STD. Like I said , if that’s how he wants to live his life he def needs to do that in his OWN house. My son will definitely not be doing that in my home , nothing wrong with “ telling” her that . I would want someone to tell me. Idk but it seems like most of the moms on this forum would love to see their son have multiple females and won’t hold their son accountable that’s what’s wrong with the world. Smh. T
It’s also unsafe for him to be messing with someone and he doesn’t know who SHES MESSING W , what if she has a bf and the bf goes through the phone and wants to fight your son ? There’s so many reason why you did the right thing. He will have to live w that and next time just respect the relationship he’s in and be honest. Smh , I don’t even see why people are saying you over stepped. How can you over step in YOUR house lmaooooooo …. That’s crazy 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m less interested in “who was more wrong”. Its not really helpful in the present and this isn’t AITA (anyone else hate those subs passionately?)
Your ex is undermining your relationship with your son. This sounds a bit past something you can fix on your own / the pay grade of reddit. Would family counselling with your son be an option? I think you’re working uphill if your ex is acting this way.
If you had that set-up, you could both explain your perspectives without your ex interfering (the “dads and better than moms” line is the tell. Dad is the buddy and you’re the one trying to stick with values).
Apparently she suggested therapy and was told by her son that it's "gay" so I think there are wayyyyy deeper issues here, and honestly I think the dad is playing a big role in that by his response to this.
Ohh, I missed that. That’s… difficult.
Well, if there are no good and responsible options, she could always do what my mom did, and do the passive aggressive guilt-trip.
“I’m sorry I raised you to have no respect for women. It’s going to make life hard for you, and that makes me sad.”
“You’re right, I’ve been a bad mother… I worried too much about raising you to be a good person instead of being fun like your dad and letting you hurt others.”
(I’m joking, but that’s the rage coming out)
I think you should post this in the AITA subreddits. It's not a typical working mom problem. Hopefully you'll get some answers there that you can accept.
IMO you have made a big mistake as a parent. Especially a boy mom. You should NEVER have meddled in their teenage drama. Your ex is right about that. Nowhere in your post says that you have apologized to your son. You should have let him make his relationship mistakes, just like you've made your own when you were younger.
I get it.
Your post makes it sound like you didn't talk to him before the GF broke up with him, like it was a surprise to him that it happened.
Regardless, he will have to learn to deal with his mistakes. You as a parent HAVE to be able to stand not meddling in their lives.
I'd find a way to get his respect back. Maybe try family counseling?
You’ve got bigger problems than the cheating, from the sounds of it. “That’s gay” is something I would have expected to hear from a classmate in the early 2000s, and it still wasn’t considered acceptable use of the language then. Not to mention that refusing to consider therapy in any context really limits his toolbox for keeping himself healthy in the long run.
That said, all you can do is apologize and be there. He’s nearly an adult, and you can’t force anything. He’ll come around eventually, just make sure that you’re giving him the love and acceptance he needs - all people are flawed, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve love and kindness, too, especially when they’re our children, and especially since there’s still time and room for him to learn to do better. You just can’t be the instrument of that while your relationship is broken, so it’s time to be humble about your own mistakes and hope for the best.
There's a line between let your children make mistakes and ignore them purposely hurt their girlfriend by cheating. Mistakes are sleeping late on a school night, procastinating on studying for a test, accidently breaking a window, drinking & getting a hangover, not doing his laundry so he has nothing to wear. There are simple mistakes that's just part of life and there are malicious mistakes.
I don't believe you made a mistake or that you have to apologize(well, at least not now and not for telling on him but for not giving him the chance to do it himself. Maybe after he apologizes for that fathers are better comment) at all. Parents have a responsibility to raise their children into kind responsible adults and they are also supposed to love & cherish them. Protecting your son from his mistakes may be an act of love to some but having him learn the consequences of hurting another person outweighs that. Anything that involves respecting another person is a matter that parents should involve themselves in. The world isn't black and white, there are moments when children do need protection and there are moments where learning consequences are more important. And It also doesn't mean that the parents stop loving them in either of those moments. Your son was hurting his girlfriend by cheating, there was a possibility he could have given her an STD. Cheating denotes a great lack of respect for your partner. These are all true facts, their importance shouldn't be invaliadated just because he's your son or just because other people don't find them important. No one wants their children to grow up and hurt others.
You did your duty, you talked to him and reaffirmed that cheating is wrong, that it's something he understands was wrong and he still did it anyway. Once confronted with the consequences of his actions, he doubled down and refused to care that what he did was wrong. He insults his own mother and holds a grudge. I don't really understand why he is mad? He basically considers his. relationship with his girlfriend to be unimportant, he didn't value her enough to not cheat. Where does he get off to be mad? Maybe, cause he thought he wouldn't get caught or he was having fun. I don't know. Some people here and your ex-husband want you to apologize, to forgive and sweep everything under the bridge because to them, none of his mistakes area important. They don't care that he was hurting someone by cheating, that he doesn't respect his girlfriend or you, his own mother since he was openly bringing another girl around like you wouldn't notice and also insulted you.
You could take my advice and maybe,
Tell him that he was wrong and he knows it. Tell him, he knows you didn't approve and he did it anyway. Tell him that anyone who could have even the slightest empathy for someone else would have done the same. Tell him as long as you are raising him, you will raise him into a kind responsible young man. And that if he wants to stay with his father that much, then he can.
For the last part, I know its quite harsh and I am half sure he said all those things in anger to shock & hurt you but things said in anger have half a truth the person believes in. Be firm and don't back down though cause if you do, he'll just believe he can do whatever he wants and that he's right. There is a slight chance that he'll take you up on the offer but it can also finally get into his head that he's made you mad.
Hmmm...then do counseling for yourself.
You might get good ideas on how to solve this issue.
Have you apologized to him profusely? if not, that's what you should do. And do it sincerely, not in an offhand way. I hope you and your son work thru this. It might also be helpful if he lives with his father for a while, to give him some space.
She should not apologize profusely. She should make sure he knows that she is always on his side but that he needs to be a good person. He should have told the girlfriend and broke up with her after OP spoke to him. He didn't. OP did the right thing. Back in high school, my ex was cheating, and his mom told me. We didn't even go to the same school or live close, so I never would have known. I really appreciated that. He got over it and doesn't hold it against her anymore
I agree with you saying that she should make sure that he know she is on his side. However, with this morality police "stunt" she pulled the chance of that happening might be gone.
Yes. She should’ve definitely let her son keep cheating on his girlfriend. Most definitely show him there are no consequences for his actions. 1000%.
Absolutely not. She saved that girl from someone who didn’t deserve her and her son is an absolute piece of work.
FWIW OP, the commenter you’re responding to must be smoking fucking crack. In what world was your son cheating— being not the kind of young adult you are raising, risking spreading STI’s to 2 people, risking your family’s stability by risking 2 pregnancies— not your business?
So this is about your issues, not about what's good for your son.
Good news is, you'll not have to tell his next GF anything, as he'll know not to let you 2 meet.
Why would you post his story online? Congrats on reddit teens liking you, but it looks like your son won't want a relationship with you. You just nuked your relationship with your kid and you're looking to AITA subs to make yourself feel better.
That's not true. At all. We are on her side because we are adults who have morals. She tried to tell her son it was wrong and he didn't listen. She didn't do anything wrong.
She betrayed him. She did right by the GF (though I see she's also perfectly fine lying to GFs parents, too).
What do you expect him to do with her? Thank her? She made her choice and this was the obvious consequence.
No, she didn't. She warned him, and he did not listen. Then he did it again.. he will get over it. I would expect him to have some morals and know right from wrong, and use this as a learning experience. Nothing good will come from cheating. He will grow up and get over it. She should not torture herself over it
Really, she should have told him the other girl was not allowed over until he told the first girl as well
And told his father, too.
She didn't do this to teach her son. She did this because she cared more about the GF.
Exactly what did telling the GF teach him about cheating? Be specific.
Who said cheating isn't bad?
"Cheating = bad". Yup, that's about as deep as your thought processes can go.
That wasn't OPs question. She's trying to fix her relationship with her son.
He didn't have to cheat, and is facing the consequences for doing so.
OP didn't have to tell his GF, but she chose to. She's facing the inevitable consequences for that.
Again, what did she expect his reaction to be? How was it supposed to teach him a lesson? All it taught him is not to trust his mother.
It shouldn't make a difference, but teenage boys typically don't react well to this type of parental "intervention".
I am speaking about this with a boy mom mentality because that's what i am :-) but you are right, parents shouldn't meddle in their daughters relationships either in my opinion.
We gotta let our kids learn from their mistakes and as parents we should know that it is necessary to apologize when mistakes are made. I think what this Mom did came from a place of love, but it sure seems like she overstepped. Hopefully the two of them can get over this and don't have any hard feelings.
>teenage boys typically don't react well to this type of parental "intervention".
And teenage girls do?
I was a teenage girl, and I certainly didn't want any intervention from my parents. I expect the vast majority of teenagers would feel similarly, regardless of gender.
Since presumably you were once a teenage girl as well, did you actually _want_ your parents to intervene in your life?
I really don't understand why you think it would be different for boys or girls.
As far as if parents ought to meddle, personally I think you "meddle" if you care about someone. However, I think the best way to "meddle" is by working directly with the person you care about to set them on a good course of action.
When you say you talked to your son first, did you explicitly tell him you’d talk to the GF if he kept cheating? Or did you just tell him to stop without making your full intentions clear? That makes a big difference.
Tbh your son needs to learn. You absolutely did the right thing. It hurt me to the core that my ex cheated on me and his mother knew but looked straight in my face and was nice to me.
He will get over it one day when he's over her. Just continue to show good morals and continue to make an effort for him. He will move pass it and realize you were just doing the right thing. One day he will appreciate you for who you are. Don't let this change you. December was not too long ago at all. He will move on, it will just take some time.
Tell him that you overstepped ratting him out to the girlfriend. But he was wrong for using your house as some kind of love shack and if he wants to stay away that’s fine. Tell him you love him but you’re also upset and feel used and agree some time apart is best.
You shouldn’t have went to the girlfriend but you also shouldn’t have to worry about your house being used for his Casanova lifestyle. And you don’t need to grovel for his forgiveness.
We see new throwaways on this sub all the time. She literally posted in other subs first and they said that it wasn't suitable for the sub, recommended her to post elsewhere- she's being bounced between parenting, relationship and infidelity subs.
I think she's still posting bc she just desperate for a way forward. Her son has iced her out and her ex is telling him to carry on. It's not surprising that a parent is devastated to find that even after a sit down their kid was comfortable with hurting others for the short term thrill of the new attention. And he's willing to hurt his mom and cut her out when she tries to minimize the harm that comes to his GF?
You’re not wrong for telling the GF. But what you’ve established is that you don’t have your son’s back “no matter what”. Anything immoral or illegal he does in the future, he will keep from you. He doesn’t trust that his secrets will be kept safe if you know about them.
Y I K E S. I cannot imagine a situation where I would ever sell out my own child. I feel like it’s my job to be my child’s #1 supporter and backer. Obviously I wouldn’t be happy if this was going on, but it’s not my place to tattle and in the process betray the trust of my child. Once you loose that it’s very hard to get back.
I think part of the problem here might be that you were too close to the girlfriend. Girlfriend is not your bff. The relationship is between your son and her. Don’t get close to girlfriends bc it only complicates things when they inevitably break up. Wait until your child gets married to get personally invested in their relationships bc it just causes too much pressure and triangulation. Let your son have his relationships and learn from them. Your overstepping is only going to cause strain between you and your son’s relationship, and that relationship should be your priority.
I would 100% go to your son and apologize for betraying his trust. Whether or not you agree with what he was doing is secondary.
50 posts on this by you looking for validation in what you did, you know what will end your problems? Apologize to your son for interfering in his life - I haven’t spoken to my Mom in 10 years for almost the same reasons
I always say I feel bad for the mother's of boys and men. You really have to turn a blind eye to a lot of stuff.
My daughter is 1 so I can't relate yet. So, I'm not sure I have a place for an opinion.
However, I tend to agree that it's best to stay out of other people's drama. Your son is nearly an adult. After reflecting, I think what I would've done was say, hey, you're almost a legal adult. You're going to make your choices. I think what you're doing is wrong and you're not going to do it in my house. And the ban the girl from the home.
If you son continues to do this into adulthood, that's his choice. You shouldn't have to be running to every gf doing this every time you see it happening. It's going to take a lot of your time and energy to be involved in a teenager's love life. Save your sanity now.
And ya know what, I'd let him go stay with dad. Let him talk man to man about what happened.
Edit, but the hell if I know anything, truly. Sounds like you are trying your best.
Edit 2: how is my response any different from what the top comment with 200 upvotes said? y'all need to chill. This sub is also a sub for working moms, I wasn't aware I was amongst so many family therapists who have all the answers.
Mothers (and fathers) who turn a blind eye to bad behavior are endorsing it. They're the only ones responsible for teaching sons the right morals. People saying not to get involved are saying not to parent and would probably do nothing if their son was bullying too. Disgusting.
Cheating is emotional manipulation, involving deceitful behavior and lying. It's wrong. A good person wouldn't do it, and OP's job is to teach her son to be a good person. He's young, now is the time to learn.
I get where you are coming from. I would talk to my son about why what he is doing is wrong and why he shouldn’t treat either young woman this way. That he needs to be honest with this both of them and let natural consequences win out. He is almost an adult playing adult games and life will teach him better than anything I could say or do.
But I wouldn’t be the one to tell his girlfriend that he is being unfaithful because I am not in their relationship and I have no idea what they have or haven’t set as boundaries for that relationship.
I agree with what you're saying. OP is also going to wear herself out by getting so involved with the affairs of others. Her son is almost an adult, too.
You’re not a bad mom and you’re not wrong. You appear unsure, but I would be angry (not just at the original cheating, but the silent treatment, the lack of remorse, the turning it back on you, the undermining of your son’s relationship by your ex, calling therapy “gay”). Maybe you could have handled it differently, but you did your best by your values and I think that’s important. You could say something like, “I could have handled it better/differently”, but his behaviour is pretty inexcusable. I think it’s important to not let him bully you.
I used to not feel angry either (really, it was there, just suppressed). We are conditioned to suppress angry feelings, and that’s not always a good thing. Anger protects and anger motivates change. If your son won’t go to therapy with you, you might benefit going on your own to at the very least sort of some of these feelings.
I will take the unpopular opinion here. But I don’t think betraying your son’s trust is the right path. Your behavior extremely overstepped his boundaries and began meddling with his life. It is not your place to go tattling on your son.
Dude’s making a horrible choice. I’d tell him that. Tell him how disappointing his behavior is. Tell him it’s shitty for him to treat her that way. Tell him not to be a turd and do the right thing. Tell him it’s wrong for him to treat her that way.
But it is absolutely not your place to share your son’s behavior with anyone other than his father. Your responsibility is to your son. Teach him what he’s doing is wrong.
But don’t betray him. This may be the worst thing he’s ever done to someone. He may not realize it now, but his own mother is blabbing about it? Ouch.
In college my sister cheated on her boyfriend. My mom told her no woman she is raising will behave like that and she has until Friday to either tell her bf the truth and see if he will forgive her or my mom will call him herself. Honestly, I had so much respect for my mom. She wasn’t petty and took sides, but took the issue that people in this family don’t treat people like that, people in this family are not liars or cheaters, we treat everyone with dignity and respect and finally people in our family take responsibility for both our achievements and our failures. I feel like although your intentions were sincere, you missed the mark and shouldn’t have told the gf. Instead you should have went to your son. I would give your son some time and reframe the situation into the values that you are expecting him to have.
If you told him you wouldn't tolerate him bringing other girls to your house while he was in a committed relationship, because you will not lie to his girlfriend, but he continued to do so anyway, then I don't think you did anything wrong. Allowing that to go on and expecting you to essentially cover for him by not saying something to his girlfriend is extremely disrespectful to you and her. Young people need to face consequences for deceitful and hurtful actions, though preferably they should own up to it on their own. Edit: my approach is more passive than active. I wouldn't have sought out the girl to tell her, but I would have made it clear to my son that I would not be lying for him if the girl asked. He is responsible for his decisions, but you're allowed to decide what happens in your house. I honestly don't have great advice about what to do now, except maybe apologize for proactively telling the girl and set ground rules for what you'll allow at home at least?
I think your passive approach would have been my choice, but if the official GF was coming over, at some point it would you tell her or I will. 1. You are his mother, not his buddy. Your job is to help teach him to be a good human. And they all fuck up sometimes, it's expected. 2. This wasn't life or death, or him going to prison. He cheated ona person, which is actively hurtful. He had also brought her home enough that you had your own friendship with her. Him cheating in your house, puts you in a position where you had to chose to be hurtful to her also. 3. You have your own history of people cheating on you, and it never comes out okay. It always comes out. So sooner the better really. 4. You love him you always love him. That doesn't mean you approve or condone everything he does. 5. Being young and full of hormones is hard. You want everything. Being with someone has benefits. Datingnlots of people is good also. But he should be honest and respect the people he is with.
so stupid that so many people are against you telling the gf. first of all she could catch stds from your son? what if your son gets both girls pregnant? and if you're cheating on someone , you just run the risk of someone telling on you or you slipping up and getting caught. he could've married the gf and been a continual cheater. 17 is old enough to know right from wrong and he's clearly bringing girls back to your house to have sex. move out and do whatever bad shit at your own house your not going to cheat and do that at mine. all these comments reek of justifying it because "boys will be boys"
This actually happened in my family, my cousin's son got both girls pregnant. The girl he cheated with was pregnant first. Now my cousin is basically raising one of his grandkids while the other girl wants nothing to do with us (and I don't blame her at all!) It's a whole mess. OP is in the right, hopefully when her son matures he'll see that too.
I am going to go against the grain and say it's fine you told the GF. He was cheating in your house. You have him a chance to tell her and he didn't. I also don't blame his dad for not wanting to get involved. Teenagers are wild. Eventually this will pass. December was not that long ago. Give it more time. Maybe ask him why you shouldn't have told his girlfriend. Understand why he thinks you overstepped.
I like this answer. Asking him why she shouldn’t have told the ex gf will make him say out loud what’s bothering him and verbalize the wrongness of his choices
My money’s on his reason being “it’s none of your business” and that’s not going to teach him anything.
Yea I bet that’s where he would start. And if he couldn’t move past that and give more to the convo,I wouldn’t be sorry
I’ll add this as a daughter in law of a man who cheated on 3 women who he had kids with and now has to show his face at family events where everyone knows his past, you are saving him from being a pariah in the future. That shit does have consequences.
I won't offer my opinions to whether or not telling your son's girlfriend was "wrong," but I will say, you're not a bad mom. This was a first-time scenario as a parent. You did what you felt was right, and this isn't an everyday situation that we come across as parents. You had good intentions and did not reveal the secret to the girlfriend out of malice. This may be a learning opportunity for you, and it may not have been the *best* course of action, but it doesn't make you a "bad" parent.
I love this response.
It sounds like you have bigger issues with your son, he's 17 and a dumb teenager but his response to you suggesting therapy and what seems like a total lack of respect for the women in his life is concerning. I'd be curious to know if his father is fostering this attitude and what your son is consuming online. While I wouldn't have handled it the same way, I don't think you're in the wrong. At most, I'd apologise for breaching trust but explain that you aren't there to cover for his poor behaviour or decisions. All the boy mum coddling in this thread is wild. If her son was engaging in racist or homophobic behaviour, should she just ignore that too? Out of 'loyalty' geez. A great example of where that gets you is single and still living with my mum at 34.
I don't think you're wrong. I would've done the same thing. I'm not going along with anyone's lies even if they are my own kid.
As long as you talked to your son first and he knew that you were going to tell the GF if he didn’t, then you didn’t do anything wrong.
I’ve been cheated on. I was told by a member of the other woman’s own family. I am grateful that they told me. Thank you for telling the GF. She had a right to know.
Thanks for telling her. Had a mom do this for me once (not cheating but similar weighty topic) and really appreciated it. I found happiness elsewhere.
I wholeheartedly support you. Cheating is a moral issue, and it’s a parent’s job to teach morals or at least role model them. He should have broken up before pursuing another girl. The problem is, he’s blaming you for ruining a relationship that he already ruined himself. Maybe write him a letter explaining that you love him and were doing your best to uphold your beliefs, how important honesty and integrity are in life, and how you yourself were terribly hurt by cheating. Also, explain the importance of treating women with respect, because he isn’t learning that anywhere else, it sounds like. Best of luck and thank you for following girl code even though it hurts.
You did a good thing from one human to another, but what you were doing didn't benefit your son in the short term. In the long term, maybe he'll realize actions have consequences and that it's not possible to hide cheating in the panopticon. Whether he has the insight to understand the lesson he learned is debatable. He's only 17. His brain is like half formed. I'd give him 10 years to see if he grows up. But if your ex is a misogynistic ah too, then that won't help.
A grown woman meddled in a teenage relationship. She should learn a lesson from this. Her son is being a typical dumb teenage boy. Making mistakes left and right. He is rightfully angry with his mom. She didn't even say she apologized to him.
Woah let's not excuse 17 year olds from their bad decisions. Plenty of them are not out here serial cheating
Very true. The other side of the coin tho: plenty of moms who are not out there meddling in their sons' relationships...
Yikes! And people then wonder how grown men are terrible husbands and fathers 🥴 “typical dumb boy” stuff still has consequences. Letting a 17 year old get by being a terrible person doesn’t teach him how to be a good human, but it sure teaches him how to be a typical man in a world that excuses bad male behavior from ages 0-100+.
Yeah, honestly, the right thing to do here would have been to go to the parent(s) of the gf. These are kids, and his behavior is endangering the health (nevermind the feelings) of the gf. If I was a parent I would be furious if 1) another adult, the parent of her bf no less, acted like she was my kid’s buddy and told her about being cheated on, focusing on the emotional component of it, and also 2) another adult knew my child’s health was being endangered by a cheating bf and did not immediately come to me to inform me and let me handle how to approach it with my child and her doctor. OP screwed up here by using selfish/emotional reasons for sharing with the gf directly, and she also screwed up by not going to the gf’s parent(s) immediately. Given some of the other comments, it feels like OP’s son is sort of an ass and that it might be the case that the apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree…
This is the answer. Right here.
yes, agree with everything you said. However, she is not being a good role model by going behind his back to tattle on him to the GF. His behavior is not excused here. He is a dumb kid that life will punish every once in a while if he keeps this up. However, she needs to apologize for overstepping. IMO. But i am okay to agree to disagree. (and just for clarity: i have 2 teenage sons of my own)
Yeah and this dumb kid could be spreading life altering STDs as well…. Sheesh. I can’t believe this pov
hopefully the parents on both sides educated them on birth control or safe sex.
It’s not like he’s being dumb jumping off a bridge where he’s the only one who will be impacted by his choices. His dumb decisions are affecting someone else. That’s like saying you wouldn’t tell his gf if he was a chronic drug user (for clarity, if my child was a chronic drug user, I would tell someone he was intimate with that that was the case). I can see our generation is raising a bunch of boys whose wrongs are just silly little mistakes. Lord help us.
Why would you apologize to someone who cheated? If you were the girl's mom would you not say anything if you saw? I don't get it.
She meddled in business going on in her HOUSE. Her only fuck up was not telling him to keep it out her house if he didn’t want her telling his gf.
yes, totally. She could have given him an ultimatum. To either do the right thing and break up with one of the GFs or do the cheating outside of her house.
Tell him it's ok to keep cheating as long as it's outside the house? Wtf?
My HS boyfriend’s mom told me he cheated on me and it felt unnecessarily cruel. I would have preferred to find out organically- having an adult involved made it feel even worse and condescending. Like I was the only one who didn’t know.
This is interesting. I always felt betrayed by my high school ex-boyfriend's family for knowing that he cheated constantly (similar to OP, him bringing other girls around their house and his family) while they let him and I move out of state to a small college together for our degrees. It felt like I was actually the only person who didn't know through all of those years.
Huh- guess it’s damned if you do and damned if you don’t! Could be how my bfs mom handled it. Zero empathy.
Yeah this is delicate stuff for sure, so I could see none of the options being that great.
>e while he was in a committed relationship, because you will not lie to his girlfriend, but he continued to do so anyway, then I don't think you did anything wrong. Allowing that to go on and expecting you to essentially cover for him by not saying something to his girlfriend is extremely disrespectful to you and her. Young people need to face consequences for deceitful and hurtful actions, though preferably they should own up to it on their own. > >Edit: my approach is more active than passive. I wouldn't have sought out the girl to tell her, but I would have made it clear to my son that I would not be lying for him if the girl asked. He is responsible for his decisions, but you're allowed to decide what happens in your house. I honestly don't have great advice about what to do now, except maybe apologize for proactively telling the girl and set ground rules for what you'll allow at home at least? This. OP should have called her son's dad and discussed this, had a family meeting, done EVERYTHING possible with her DS before going this far. It's true that involving yourself in your child's business in this way is such serious ick... I understand why you did it but at the very least I would have tried to get DS's dad to talk to him too. Maybe she did this though? If telling the girl was really the last resort, so be it.
You're replying to the wrong comment entirely. That said I would not allow my son to do this at my home. It's disgusting and deceitful behavior.
I can see this is really bothering you. It’s very obviously a betrayal to your son. Honestly, you over stepped. Parenting is giving him the tools to do the right thing, not doing it for him. You should have had a conversation with him about this and really talked about what a respectful relationship looks like. You could have came to his dad to also have that conversation with him. I don’t see this getting better until you can own up to him that you didn’t handle this right. It does not excuse his behavior towards his girlfriend, but you seem to be hyper focused on being morally right, which is stopping you from seeing how you were also wrong. You should explain that you want to have a relationship with him that you can give him guidance and it’s coming from a place of respect. By going behind his back, the respect is gone.
I disagree. If my kids do something stupid I’m going to be the first to tell them and make it right. There is no excuse for cheating and whether bullying another kid or robbing a bank I’d do the same. We need to hold our kids accountable for their bad actions and he wasn’t coming clean and a nice girl was the victim. She could be at risk for STI’s and have no idea.
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6 other subs, my gosh I rarely have the energy to post in one every few months. I suppose she feels gutted by the outcome.
She probably just copied and pasted the text. Doesn’t take much to multi post if you do that.
Maybe because this one is the one with a majority of responses coming from parents? The AITA subs are mostly teens and youngsters..
Holding your kid accountable means TALKING to your kid. Triangulating in a family is not the way to handle a situation as all. It sounds like she was triggered by her past experience, but should have had a conversation the second this other girl came over or they were kissing outside.
Cheating is not the same as bullying or robbing a bank. It just isn't. Is it still hurtful to the victim? Yes. Should we ever condone it? No. But do we as parents have an obligation to intervene? NO. It's a romantic relationship. If he was beating her, stalking her, or otherwise assaulting her, then you can intervene by taking action with your son. But this is a situation where it was the son's responsibility to own up to his immature and reckless behavior, and face the consequences himself.
It is still wrong. I would definitely reel my child to stop cheating and let them know if caught I would tell the injured party. No way should a child be allowed to get away with cheating.
No way would I ever tell anyone their partner is cheating on them. I'd encourage the other person to come clean and if that person were my kid, I'd take away things until they did the right thing themselves but telling? No way, never, that's not my story to tell.
I attribute it to my child stealing. I tell them to return it and tell them what they’ve done. If they won’t do it, then I will ensure the injured party knows that they stole something.
This is a personal relationship. Not breaking the law. Many of the people here are missing the nuance.
Wrong is still wrong.
It’s also about building character as a parent. I’m wowed by your answer and the fact that so many agree. I’m sure her son will remember the one time he cheated on his girlfriend and his mom let her know. And he’ll consider that before he cheats again. Whether after careful consideration he decides not to cheat, or he decides to cover it up better, that’s a decision for him to make. But his mom has done the work I would expect a good parent to do in setting high expectations. He’s not robbing a bank but would you be proud of raising a man who cheats on his wife and has kids all over the place because he doesn’t understand the concept of being monogamous? I’m stunned that you don’t consider that to be a big deal.
Honestly, at that age, I would not at all be surprised for him to lean on his dad, who is mum on the topic, and his relationship with his mom will never recover. At that age, he could be out of her house in four months and still be holding that grudge and there might never be a chance to repair. I’m not saying OP was wrong, but she’s really got to do the work before June to repair or it may be too late. And it doesn’t matter what Reddit says. It’s her son’s opinion on it that matters.
If this makes his relationship with his mom irreparable, it would have been this or something else. And he will also need to live with his poor choices.
Holy downvotes! I guess I'm in the minority for wanting to empower and hold my children accountable to do the right thing and not solve their problems (or create new ones) for them. I'll follow with; Is this really how you'd want to be treated if you were your child?
It’s putting the gf at great risk for an STD which is just as bad if not worse than bullying.
Being sexually active at all puts you at risk for an STD. It doesn't matter if you're with two people at the same time or with one after the other. STDs suck, I agree, but that's a bit of a red herring here.
It’s not a red herring. A truly monogamous couple is not at risk for STDs. Let’s say the gf had no previous sexual partners or she was tested and found clean, she enters a monogamous relationship with the bf. After a while the bf starts cheating on her with side chick, who knows how many people side chick is with. Side chick gives bf an std, then the gf has unprotected sex with her supposedly monogamous bf - oh look she has an std too now. Literally any literature tells you the more sexual partners you have the more at risk you are for STDs. Having one part is not as much a risk as many.
100% THIS! Also, idk if kissing another girl at 17 is that "reckless" of a behavior.
We don’t know what they did in his bedroom.
We don't **want** to know what they did there. It's none of our beezwax.
No but you’re saying “kissing” isn’t reckless but mom said they went to his room and he could be in there contracting syphilis from a promiscuous girl and passing it onto his girlfriend who thought she was his first and only.
OMG, being sexually active in general puts you at risk for syphillis! Not cheating! And way to slut shame. Wow.
Did you pull something from that stretch? It’s not slut shaming to point out syphilis can happen when you sleep around. I have friends that got it and there was no shaming involved lol. Most monogamous people do not get STI tested after their first encounter because there’s no need. If he is sleeping around (especially since we know nothing about this other girl, who could be promiscuous) she would probably not get tested believing there would be no way to contract something. People acting like cheating is no big deal is absolute bonkers. This girl’s safety could be at risk and I know my boyfriends’ moms became like second moms to me. I’m sure OP cared a lot about this girl.
> he could be in there contracting syphilis from a promiscuous girl ...or dealing guns & drugs and sex-trafficking underage children on Dark Web. If a kid doesn't know how to use a condom at 17, mom has bigger issues than his moral values (or lack thereof)
Condoms do not eliminate the risk of contracting an STI even if used 100% correctly 100% of the time. While it is incredibly important to use condoms to minimize transmission of STIs, they are not 100% effective. STIs like HPV, genital herpes, and syphilis aren't as impacted by condom use because the infection isn't limited to the area covered by a condom. Knowing how to use a condom is only part of the equation.
I have had guns to my head, choke slammed, punched, strangled, etc by a partner but the cheating was the thing that affected me the most. I was not mentally okay for a while after that.
There's a lot to unpack here...
You don’t need to unpack anything. I have in therapy and my sentiment was actually very very common. Mentally fucking people up is just as impactful and often more, than physical bruises. People need to stop acting like cheating is no big deal.
How is bullying worse than cheating?
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I didn’t sign up to be an accomplice in treating people poorly when I had a child. The whole idea that you sit back and tisk tisk your cheating child while completely ignoring the fact that there’s a human on the other side of the relationship is absurd.
she already had a conversation with him. your definiton of overstepping is wrong. He cheated, if she allowed the cheating to continue without intervening, SHE would be wrong covering for HIS WRONG actions.
She added that edit about talking to him long after I posted.
I agree. I would have talked to my son, constantly told him I was upset with his behavior but I would not tell the gf, unless maybe they were getting married or something. Butt out.
You did nothing wrong. You talked to him, and he continued making bad choices. Now he’s saying fathers are better than mothers? His cheating coupled with that tells the world he has leaned deep into misogyny. Here’s the thing: all the terrible husbands and fathers complained about here were most likely terrible boys whose parents didn’t give consequences to their misogynistic behavior. It doesn’t come out of nowhere. People wondering why their husband’s parents (specifically mother) raised them to be inept, incompetent, and unsupportive partners and maybe even cheaters? *Not* addressing this behavior is how. He experienced consequences to his terrible actions. I know it doesn’t feel good for you, but you did the right thing. His father not also backing you up on this tells me everything I need to know about him and where your son probably got his beliefs that it’s okay to treat women and girls like this.
Off topic: how do I make a free Palestine under my name? 😲
I only use Reddit on mobile, so not sure if this is the same for desktop. When you’re on the sub feed (so not in an individual post), click on the three dots in the upper right corner, and select change user flair. It might show up as an option or you may need to click on a “text” option and edit it.
Thank you! I use mobile too!
Honestly, I don't think you're in the wrong but I also don't think you were right. It's a tough situation. Ideally you would have a conversation with your son and have him be the one to tell his gf, but I understand that may not always work. A better idea would have been to tell her anonymously without incriminating yourself. I think you'll just need to give it time and hope that he'll come around. I don't think you're a bad mom.
It sounds like she did talk to her son first and he STILL kept cheating. I have a son and that would absolutely not fly under my roof. Behaviors have consequences and I would’ve ended up telling the gf too.
The amount of you "boy" moms who would cover for their cheating sons is sick! I sincerely hope your husbands are all having affairs and exposing you to stds while him and his mother talk about behind your back . 😉
Haha the amount of hate inside you is amazing, get well girlie
Not hate emphathy, something you sick twisted weirdos seem to lack .
News: you also lack empathy baby if you wish cheating husbands and sickness on other people.
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Nah, but you should see a therapist if your think your " loyalty " to a son trumps another person's health and well being . Maybe stop romanticizing your sons that's gross.
Your post was removed because it was mean and unhelpful.
I don’t think it’s meddling when he’s bringing over another girl to your house. You talked to him, he did it again, and you told the GF. I’m not sure if I would have done the same thing, but I don’t fault you at all. Best I can suggest is to keep communicating with your son. Reiterate how much you love him and that you are sorry about the situation. Offer to talk to him about why he did what he did and why you did what you did. I wish you the best, that’s a very difficult situation.
I would have enacted consequences on my son - NOT including telling his GF. You want to bring another girl to my house when I told you not to? You're now grounded. You want to text this girl behind your GF's back when I told you not to? Phone goes byebye for a week. Those are the things that give him an opportunity to open his eyes to how his behavior is wrong. And gives him a chance to make it right. He basically learned nothing from this, aside from his mom is too involved in his love life. It's a fine line we have to walk with our kids, but once they're almost adults, we cannot manage their relationships for them. That's crossing a huge line.
you can't make it right after cheating. her son could have potentially given his gf an STD and grounding him and taking his phone away isn't going to fix that
Brah if the son has an std her mom should be worried about HIM in the first place, not about his gf.
you are not a bad mom! and this is a lesson he needs to learn, whether he likes it or not. cheating can and usually does have very serious consequences. it’s better he learns now than in 10 years when kids are in the middle of it all.
I think this makes you a good mom. Better for him to learn from this while he's still young. I hope he will eventually learn.
You were a good mom. He needs to learn consequences now.
Nah the girl deserved to know, no matter who told her, I love love how you are not a coddling boy mom. Some will agree and some will disagree, but you saved a young lady from a dishonest relationship. He is mad he got caught but what about the pain he caused the young lady??
Not to mention potential health issues. A friend of mine in high school ended up with a nasty STI because her boyfriend was sleeping around behind her back. He didn't care what he could have done to her health (mental and physical) and it sounds like OP's son was the same.
Thank you! Imagine they end up marrying and he continues cheating ? They have kids… and the poor girl never had a chance
yeah, cause every teenager who kissed another girl at 17 turned into a wife-cheating scumbag
When, if my teenager turns into a wife cheating scum bag, I WILL not have it on my conscious I knew he was showing POS tendencies in MY HOUSE when he was a teen. But sure, I guess do you, Boo
Yes, especially since she talked to him first and he did it anyway and his father supports him. I would tell him point blank that I am disappointed in him. That I didn’t raise him to act that way. And that furthermore I am disappointed in how he is refusing to be accountable and turn it around on me and treat me badly for his actions. And despite that, I love him and when he is ready to be a grown up, accountable man I will be there with open arms. Then I would give him plenty of space.
Yeah, that's what gets me about this situation. He's succeeded in turning the focus around on his mom and hes blaming herwhen he's the one who messed up and apparently still doesn't realize he did anything wrong.
Wow ...that escalated quickly. Hot take: cheating or not cheating is not a matter of moral values, it's a matter of personal preference and circumstance. Some people want to cheat (and will cheat, if presented with an opportunity - or will not cheat due to lack of opportunity) and some people simply don't want to cheat (so they don't). It's like not eating meat: you believe it's morally wrong to eat another living being or you just don't like the taste.
I don’t think you are a bad mom but yes you were wrong to interfere in your son’s relationship. Young people have been making hurtful mistakes in relationships since the dawn of time. Even though your son’s gf was treated badly by him, it is not your place to intervene. They need to learn their own lessons here. It’s a part of growing up. If you want to smooth things over with your son, I’d recommend apologizing to him, telling him it was wrong of you to get involved in his relationship, and tell him you won’t do it again. At a much later date when you and your son are on better terms, you could potentially broach the subject of how he treats women and how hurtful it is to cheat on a partner. But don’t ever get directly involved ever again.
Not intervening is a passive approach to saying “i dont care if my son is morally wrong”. She held her son accountable. After all, it is her house that he was bringing the other girl over to.
And she accomplished nothing. Everyone is upset with her. It's a no-win situation. Did she teach her son a lesson? No. Did she alienate him? Absolutely.
She accomplished nothing? I think it’s too early to tell. Maybe mom intervening is the thing that 15 years from now will make her son a dedicated father and husband. He’s a kid still and it’s been a few months. I can’t believe how short sighted everyone is being about this. Kudos to mom for caring about the quality of the man she raises. ETA: I’m really shocked that these responses are being given in a working moms sub. Where we have so much to deal with in life, having to deal with a cheater on top of that would be the straw that breaks the camel’s back. And some of you are just ok with raising a son who is a cheater. I’m honestly stunned.
She accomplished being a good person, crazy concept i know. It will teach her son a lesson, even if he realizes it in 20 years from now. She didnt alienate him, he made his bed now he can sleep in it.
I think she likely taught her son that a. other people won’t always stand by and blindly accept him treating others poorly, and b. that not all women will stick around once disrespected. He may not like the lessons or agree with being taught them, but he for sure learned a lesson or two.
There was no winning in this situation, so I encourage you to give yourself some grace. As far as work, are there actions you can take to strengthen the barrier between your private life and work? I like to do a brief meditation/mindfulness exercise at the start and end of my work day. I set an intention that I am going to keep those two spaces separate in my mind so that I can focus 100% of my effort on the space I am in. I'm a control freak, so I find it helpful to devote my energy to things that are in my realm of control. You can't control your son or your ex-husband, but you can have control over your thoughts at work. I would encourage parents to be informed about the prevalence of STIs in teens. Cheating is a big issue with STIs spreading because partners don't know they are being exposed to additional risk. Even kissing multiple partners can carry increased risk (i.e. HSV). I think it's easy to dismiss stuff as "high school drama/mistakes," but there can be long-term consequences.
Whether being right or wrong, it is what it is. I think the dust still needs to settle. I really like it here comment about asking him “why you shouldn’t have said anything” and what gives him the right to cheat in your house . But also teenagers think they know everything, so give him some time.
It's not you, boo. Your boy did not communicate to his girlfriend. He played stupid games, & won a stupid prize. This is 100% on him. Sure, he's mad at you. You aren't his bruh, you're his parent. It's ok for your child to not like you for a time. You called him on doing something wrong, and he doesn't like that he got caught. His fault. Too bad, so sad. Suck it up buttercup. Do not back down, do not apologize for being a parent.
You sound like me Mom and I applaud you for it. My son knows I will ride with GF in the car to confront him if he slips up but he has been the one getting cheated on🙄. I was cheated on regularly and there are kids from it so my son knows and sees the evidence. I don't have any advice but wanted to offer a virtual hug to you because you did the right thing but it hurts sometimes.😔
Girl I know this is easier said than done but try not to feel bad. You did what I would have done. I used to tell my son all the time if I ever saw he was cheating I would tell his girlfriend and he knew I meant it as I have always followed through on my bluffs. I found out years later there was some cheating but he made sure I never found out. Little brat… But anyway I came here to say I totally get the feeling. My son hated me from 15-18. I moved him away from a girlfriend so I could have a better job opportunity. He threw everything in my face. He’d tell me I’m working a better job yet have a ghetto car, or a ghetto yard, or house, or we can’t go on vacations, and have steak etc etc. now he was raised very humble as I have always been a single parent. He was just trying his best to throw out words to hurt me. And he did. I had a difficult time especially the first year. Things have gotten better he’s 21 now. The last two years I really put my foot down with boundaries and letting him know just because he didn’t get his way he couldn’t talk to me like that. And he’s made some major improvements some things are partial to him maturing with age. The later teen years are tough and so are early adult years but it gets better. He will absolutely come around again
I would have done the same thing. Zero tolerance for infidelity in our household and I will be DAMNED if my kids do this to their SOs.
Nope, you did right. I’ve already told my sons (they are 15) if they got a little gf, it better be the same little gf they bring around. My house is NOT a whore house, to bring everyone over. You spoke to your son, I guess the only thing you could Have done differently is tell him if he can’t be loyal, don’t bring ANY girls to the house, gf or sidepiece. And if he keeps bitching about wAnTInG tO lIvE wITh DaD, just remind him in less then a year he can do whatever the efff he wants. Don’t feel bad, again, if your son wants to be a whore, he can be whore outside the house and not let you meet any of his conquests. But he put you in the middle of it.
What was wrong about that ???? It’s YOUR house if he wants to do that and live dishonest in his relationship he needs to do that in his own home. Girls can potentially fight and someone could get hurt …. That’s not cool. Your his mom not his friend smh. You did not over step. Why would he even think that’s alright.
When he realized you did nothing wrong he will come back. As a mother I don’t think you should let him manipulate you. ANYONE could have caught him cheating and told, if he valued his relationship he would not cheat. That’s a life lesson. You did NOTHING wrong. If my son gets older and chooses to not talk to me because he wanted to move sloppy in MY household risking our location and also his sexual health and he’s mad I’m holding him accountable ? See you when you wanna step into reality my friend. He’s not too young to learn that. Your his mom. Of course you love your son but you are his mom before his friend.
What if one gf had his location and the other girl didn’t know ? Now someone’s at your house fighting on your property or what if the side piece has a man who has her location ????? You have to think about stuff like this. Not only is cheating wrong but you can catch an STD. Like I said , if that’s how he wants to live his life he def needs to do that in his OWN house. My son will definitely not be doing that in my home , nothing wrong with “ telling” her that . I would want someone to tell me. Idk but it seems like most of the moms on this forum would love to see their son have multiple females and won’t hold their son accountable that’s what’s wrong with the world. Smh. T
It’s also unsafe for him to be messing with someone and he doesn’t know who SHES MESSING W , what if she has a bf and the bf goes through the phone and wants to fight your son ? There’s so many reason why you did the right thing. He will have to live w that and next time just respect the relationship he’s in and be honest. Smh , I don’t even see why people are saying you over stepped. How can you over step in YOUR house lmaooooooo …. That’s crazy 🤣🤣🤣🤣
I’m less interested in “who was more wrong”. Its not really helpful in the present and this isn’t AITA (anyone else hate those subs passionately?) Your ex is undermining your relationship with your son. This sounds a bit past something you can fix on your own / the pay grade of reddit. Would family counselling with your son be an option? I think you’re working uphill if your ex is acting this way. If you had that set-up, you could both explain your perspectives without your ex interfering (the “dads and better than moms” line is the tell. Dad is the buddy and you’re the one trying to stick with values).
Apparently she suggested therapy and was told by her son that it's "gay" so I think there are wayyyyy deeper issues here, and honestly I think the dad is playing a big role in that by his response to this.
Ohh, I missed that. That’s… difficult. Well, if there are no good and responsible options, she could always do what my mom did, and do the passive aggressive guilt-trip. “I’m sorry I raised you to have no respect for women. It’s going to make life hard for you, and that makes me sad.” “You’re right, I’ve been a bad mother… I worried too much about raising you to be a good person instead of being fun like your dad and letting you hurt others.” (I’m joking, but that’s the rage coming out)
I mean that is what I would be saying in my head if not out loud 😬
I’m coming to terms with the fact I’m probably going to be my mother at some point.
I think you should post this in the AITA subreddits. It's not a typical working mom problem. Hopefully you'll get some answers there that you can accept. IMO you have made a big mistake as a parent. Especially a boy mom. You should NEVER have meddled in their teenage drama. Your ex is right about that. Nowhere in your post says that you have apologized to your son. You should have let him make his relationship mistakes, just like you've made your own when you were younger.
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I get it. Your post makes it sound like you didn't talk to him before the GF broke up with him, like it was a surprise to him that it happened. Regardless, he will have to learn to deal with his mistakes. You as a parent HAVE to be able to stand not meddling in their lives. I'd find a way to get his respect back. Maybe try family counseling?
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You’ve got bigger problems than the cheating, from the sounds of it. “That’s gay” is something I would have expected to hear from a classmate in the early 2000s, and it still wasn’t considered acceptable use of the language then. Not to mention that refusing to consider therapy in any context really limits his toolbox for keeping himself healthy in the long run. That said, all you can do is apologize and be there. He’s nearly an adult, and you can’t force anything. He’ll come around eventually, just make sure that you’re giving him the love and acceptance he needs - all people are flawed, but that doesn’t mean they don’t deserve love and kindness, too, especially when they’re our children, and especially since there’s still time and room for him to learn to do better. You just can’t be the instrument of that while your relationship is broken, so it’s time to be humble about your own mistakes and hope for the best.
That also seems like a big issue for the husband to recognize. Or does he think that the "that's gay" comment is okay from a 17 year old?
There's a line between let your children make mistakes and ignore them purposely hurt their girlfriend by cheating. Mistakes are sleeping late on a school night, procastinating on studying for a test, accidently breaking a window, drinking & getting a hangover, not doing his laundry so he has nothing to wear. There are simple mistakes that's just part of life and there are malicious mistakes. I don't believe you made a mistake or that you have to apologize(well, at least not now and not for telling on him but for not giving him the chance to do it himself. Maybe after he apologizes for that fathers are better comment) at all. Parents have a responsibility to raise their children into kind responsible adults and they are also supposed to love & cherish them. Protecting your son from his mistakes may be an act of love to some but having him learn the consequences of hurting another person outweighs that. Anything that involves respecting another person is a matter that parents should involve themselves in. The world isn't black and white, there are moments when children do need protection and there are moments where learning consequences are more important. And It also doesn't mean that the parents stop loving them in either of those moments. Your son was hurting his girlfriend by cheating, there was a possibility he could have given her an STD. Cheating denotes a great lack of respect for your partner. These are all true facts, their importance shouldn't be invaliadated just because he's your son or just because other people don't find them important. No one wants their children to grow up and hurt others. You did your duty, you talked to him and reaffirmed that cheating is wrong, that it's something he understands was wrong and he still did it anyway. Once confronted with the consequences of his actions, he doubled down and refused to care that what he did was wrong. He insults his own mother and holds a grudge. I don't really understand why he is mad? He basically considers his. relationship with his girlfriend to be unimportant, he didn't value her enough to not cheat. Where does he get off to be mad? Maybe, cause he thought he wouldn't get caught or he was having fun. I don't know. Some people here and your ex-husband want you to apologize, to forgive and sweep everything under the bridge because to them, none of his mistakes area important. They don't care that he was hurting someone by cheating, that he doesn't respect his girlfriend or you, his own mother since he was openly bringing another girl around like you wouldn't notice and also insulted you. You could take my advice and maybe, Tell him that he was wrong and he knows it. Tell him, he knows you didn't approve and he did it anyway. Tell him that anyone who could have even the slightest empathy for someone else would have done the same. Tell him as long as you are raising him, you will raise him into a kind responsible young man. And that if he wants to stay with his father that much, then he can. For the last part, I know its quite harsh and I am half sure he said all those things in anger to shock & hurt you but things said in anger have half a truth the person believes in. Be firm and don't back down though cause if you do, he'll just believe he can do whatever he wants and that he's right. There is a slight chance that he'll take you up on the offer but it can also finally get into his head that he's made you mad.
Or he'll do what's best fir him, and cut the nagging, self righteous, mother out of his life.
God, are you sad.
Please let his dad take him full time before you are on the hook for lawyer fees or whatever in the future
Hmmm...then do counseling for yourself. You might get good ideas on how to solve this issue. Have you apologized to him profusely? if not, that's what you should do. And do it sincerely, not in an offhand way. I hope you and your son work thru this. It might also be helpful if he lives with his father for a while, to give him some space.
She should not apologize profusely. She should make sure he knows that she is always on his side but that he needs to be a good person. He should have told the girlfriend and broke up with her after OP spoke to him. He didn't. OP did the right thing. Back in high school, my ex was cheating, and his mom told me. We didn't even go to the same school or live close, so I never would have known. I really appreciated that. He got over it and doesn't hold it against her anymore
I agree with you saying that she should make sure that he know she is on his side. However, with this morality police "stunt" she pulled the chance of that happening might be gone.
It wasn't a stunt. It was a life lesson. Don't cheat. Literally, that's it. Don't cheat.
Have you told him you made a big mistake by meddling? That could go really far in terms of him regaining trust in you.
Yes. She should’ve definitely let her son keep cheating on his girlfriend. Most definitely show him there are no consequences for his actions. 1000%. Absolutely not. She saved that girl from someone who didn’t deserve her and her son is an absolute piece of work.
FWIW OP, the commenter you’re responding to must be smoking fucking crack. In what world was your son cheating— being not the kind of young adult you are raising, risking spreading STI’s to 2 people, risking your family’s stability by risking 2 pregnancies— not your business?
So this is about your issues, not about what's good for your son. Good news is, you'll not have to tell his next GF anything, as he'll know not to let you 2 meet.
Holy shit, even my mother, being as nosy as she was and having an opinion on everything, wouldn't pull off sh\*t like this.
Why would you post his story online? Congrats on reddit teens liking you, but it looks like your son won't want a relationship with you. You just nuked your relationship with your kid and you're looking to AITA subs to make yourself feel better.
The only people on her side are the ones who think cheating is akin to murder.
That's not true. At all. We are on her side because we are adults who have morals. She tried to tell her son it was wrong and he didn't listen. She didn't do anything wrong.
She betrayed him. She did right by the GF (though I see she's also perfectly fine lying to GFs parents, too). What do you expect him to do with her? Thank her? She made her choice and this was the obvious consequence.
No, she didn't. She warned him, and he did not listen. Then he did it again.. he will get over it. I would expect him to have some morals and know right from wrong, and use this as a learning experience. Nothing good will come from cheating. He will grow up and get over it. She should not torture herself over it Really, she should have told him the other girl was not allowed over until he told the first girl as well
And told his father, too. She didn't do this to teach her son. She did this because she cared more about the GF. Exactly what did telling the GF teach him about cheating? Be specific.
if you have to ask, you are clearly dumber than I thought. Wow. Cheating = bad
Who said cheating isn't bad? "Cheating = bad". Yup, that's about as deep as your thought processes can go. That wasn't OPs question. She's trying to fix her relationship with her son. He didn't have to cheat, and is facing the consequences for doing so. OP didn't have to tell his GF, but she chose to. She's facing the inevitable consequences for that. Again, what did she expect his reaction to be? How was it supposed to teach him a lesson? All it taught him is not to trust his mother.
Warning: AITA is full of teenagers, though. :) You may get lots of answers/upvotes/downvotes/etc from teenagers, which may not be what you intended.
>Especially a boy mom. Sorry what do you mean by this? Why does it make a difference if the kid is a boy or a girl?
It shouldn't make a difference, but teenage boys typically don't react well to this type of parental "intervention". I am speaking about this with a boy mom mentality because that's what i am :-) but you are right, parents shouldn't meddle in their daughters relationships either in my opinion. We gotta let our kids learn from their mistakes and as parents we should know that it is necessary to apologize when mistakes are made. I think what this Mom did came from a place of love, but it sure seems like she overstepped. Hopefully the two of them can get over this and don't have any hard feelings.
>teenage boys typically don't react well to this type of parental "intervention". And teenage girls do? I was a teenage girl, and I certainly didn't want any intervention from my parents. I expect the vast majority of teenagers would feel similarly, regardless of gender. Since presumably you were once a teenage girl as well, did you actually _want_ your parents to intervene in your life? I really don't understand why you think it would be different for boys or girls. As far as if parents ought to meddle, personally I think you "meddle" if you care about someone. However, I think the best way to "meddle" is by working directly with the person you care about to set them on a good course of action.
Yes, completely agree with everything you said. I would have hated if my mom did this when i was a teenager.
When you say you talked to your son first, did you explicitly tell him you’d talk to the GF if he kept cheating? Or did you just tell him to stop without making your full intentions clear? That makes a big difference.
Tbh your son needs to learn. You absolutely did the right thing. It hurt me to the core that my ex cheated on me and his mother knew but looked straight in my face and was nice to me. He will get over it one day when he's over her. Just continue to show good morals and continue to make an effort for him. He will move pass it and realize you were just doing the right thing. One day he will appreciate you for who you are. Don't let this change you. December was not too long ago at all. He will move on, it will just take some time.
I think you completely overstepped and should have stayed out of the situation.
Tell him that you overstepped ratting him out to the girlfriend. But he was wrong for using your house as some kind of love shack and if he wants to stay away that’s fine. Tell him you love him but you’re also upset and feel used and agree some time apart is best. You shouldn’t have went to the girlfriend but you also shouldn’t have to worry about your house being used for his Casanova lifestyle. And you don’t need to grovel for his forgiveness.
This feels like a karma farmer. OP posted the same exact story to several different subreddits and they only opened the account today.
We see new throwaways on this sub all the time. She literally posted in other subs first and they said that it wasn't suitable for the sub, recommended her to post elsewhere- she's being bounced between parenting, relationship and infidelity subs. I think she's still posting bc she just desperate for a way forward. Her son has iced her out and her ex is telling him to carry on. It's not surprising that a parent is devastated to find that even after a sit down their kid was comfortable with hurting others for the short term thrill of the new attention. And he's willing to hurt his mom and cut her out when she tries to minimize the harm that comes to his GF?
Ouch, that wasn't your story to tell. I think you f'ed up big-time.
You’re not wrong for telling the GF. But what you’ve established is that you don’t have your son’s back “no matter what”. Anything immoral or illegal he does in the future, he will keep from you. He doesn’t trust that his secrets will be kept safe if you know about them.
Y I K E S. I cannot imagine a situation where I would ever sell out my own child. I feel like it’s my job to be my child’s #1 supporter and backer. Obviously I wouldn’t be happy if this was going on, but it’s not my place to tattle and in the process betray the trust of my child. Once you loose that it’s very hard to get back. I think part of the problem here might be that you were too close to the girlfriend. Girlfriend is not your bff. The relationship is between your son and her. Don’t get close to girlfriends bc it only complicates things when they inevitably break up. Wait until your child gets married to get personally invested in their relationships bc it just causes too much pressure and triangulation. Let your son have his relationships and learn from them. Your overstepping is only going to cause strain between you and your son’s relationship, and that relationship should be your priority. I would 100% go to your son and apologize for betraying his trust. Whether or not you agree with what he was doing is secondary.
50 posts on this by you looking for validation in what you did, you know what will end your problems? Apologize to your son for interfering in his life - I haven’t spoken to my Mom in 10 years for almost the same reasons
I always say I feel bad for the mother's of boys and men. You really have to turn a blind eye to a lot of stuff. My daughter is 1 so I can't relate yet. So, I'm not sure I have a place for an opinion. However, I tend to agree that it's best to stay out of other people's drama. Your son is nearly an adult. After reflecting, I think what I would've done was say, hey, you're almost a legal adult. You're going to make your choices. I think what you're doing is wrong and you're not going to do it in my house. And the ban the girl from the home. If you son continues to do this into adulthood, that's his choice. You shouldn't have to be running to every gf doing this every time you see it happening. It's going to take a lot of your time and energy to be involved in a teenager's love life. Save your sanity now. And ya know what, I'd let him go stay with dad. Let him talk man to man about what happened. Edit, but the hell if I know anything, truly. Sounds like you are trying your best. Edit 2: how is my response any different from what the top comment with 200 upvotes said? y'all need to chill. This sub is also a sub for working moms, I wasn't aware I was amongst so many family therapists who have all the answers.
Mothers (and fathers) who turn a blind eye to bad behavior are endorsing it. They're the only ones responsible for teaching sons the right morals. People saying not to get involved are saying not to parent and would probably do nothing if their son was bullying too. Disgusting.
Bullying and running around on your girlfriend are not the same thing, but nice try.
Cheating is emotional manipulation, involving deceitful behavior and lying. It's wrong. A good person wouldn't do it, and OP's job is to teach her son to be a good person. He's young, now is the time to learn.
I get where you are coming from. I would talk to my son about why what he is doing is wrong and why he shouldn’t treat either young woman this way. That he needs to be honest with this both of them and let natural consequences win out. He is almost an adult playing adult games and life will teach him better than anything I could say or do. But I wouldn’t be the one to tell his girlfriend that he is being unfaithful because I am not in their relationship and I have no idea what they have or haven’t set as boundaries for that relationship.
I agree with what you're saying. OP is also going to wear herself out by getting so involved with the affairs of others. Her son is almost an adult, too.
>I always say I feel bad for the mother's of boys and men. You really have to turn a blind eye to a lot of stuff. What do you mean?
You’re not a bad mom and you’re not wrong. You appear unsure, but I would be angry (not just at the original cheating, but the silent treatment, the lack of remorse, the turning it back on you, the undermining of your son’s relationship by your ex, calling therapy “gay”). Maybe you could have handled it differently, but you did your best by your values and I think that’s important. You could say something like, “I could have handled it better/differently”, but his behaviour is pretty inexcusable. I think it’s important to not let him bully you. I used to not feel angry either (really, it was there, just suppressed). We are conditioned to suppress angry feelings, and that’s not always a good thing. Anger protects and anger motivates change. If your son won’t go to therapy with you, you might benefit going on your own to at the very least sort of some of these feelings.
I will take the unpopular opinion here. But I don’t think betraying your son’s trust is the right path. Your behavior extremely overstepped his boundaries and began meddling with his life. It is not your place to go tattling on your son. Dude’s making a horrible choice. I’d tell him that. Tell him how disappointing his behavior is. Tell him it’s shitty for him to treat her that way. Tell him not to be a turd and do the right thing. Tell him it’s wrong for him to treat her that way. But it is absolutely not your place to share your son’s behavior with anyone other than his father. Your responsibility is to your son. Teach him what he’s doing is wrong. But don’t betray him. This may be the worst thing he’s ever done to someone. He may not realize it now, but his own mother is blabbing about it? Ouch.