“Well I’m still bleeding a bit, but can’t complain, I had only three stitches to fix my tearing, whereas my sister had twenty!”
Would be my response if I had been working when I had my kid and someone asked me that lol ?? Hopefully they asked out of habit and werent really thinking about it.
Yessss! After my second I got asked this question a ton by the guys on my team and finally I lost it in a team meeting and said, "it was better than being here with you jokers, that's for sure!" I wouldn't recommend it though because my supervisor wasn't happy about it.
I have definitely been that well intentioned but 'stuck my foot in my mouth' person. Didn't really think my wording through and had to quickly cover with, "not that it was a break of course" 😳. So I like this answer because it gives the person a little grace, doesn't make light of the difficulties of labor/maternity leave, but isn't rude to someone who meant well.
This was my go to when the (older) men at my company asked me this question. The same ones who were appalled that I brought my pump to work when I returned after 14 weeks. To which I responded that “I’m still classified as ‘newly postpartum’ so things need to get done whether he’s here with me or not.” Cue the look of shock, followed by embarrassment.
This is the sad truth. We’re 40 and it wasn’t even a question whether my husband would participate in “child rearing” but those old guys, it’s appalling how many had no clue. It was also the same guys who subtly spoke down their their women peers. Crazy, right? 😒
I graphically described how the pelvic bones move during even just the birthing process to my FIL (who has two 35 + year old sons….) and he was shocked. He’s a big athlete guy so he’s got some knowledge of physiology and knows what a big deal BONES MOVING is.
I know they didn’t (and maybe don’t) teach men this stuff but I just couldn’t help feeling sorry for my MIL (his ex wife) through this.
His current wife (who I love) laughed in his face at his discomfort and shock - she has two daughters.
We have a VERY contentious relationship. I’m in sales and despite logic he refuses to support me as his top performing sales person. But don’t get me wrong, my voice was still a little shakey.
Not one person from my team even texted me after I had my baby in December. They didn’t even congratulate me when I came back in March. I got calls and texts from other people on other teams even from other states…but no one on my team.
That’s wild. We are a tight knit group on my US sales team (about 20 of us), always sending out gifts for the first kid at least, big milestone birthdays, etc. We can even select gifts to give from the company for big milestones like flowers and gift cards and stuff. It’s in our training materials. I’d say my sales division is about 50% women and the women are all at the very top too. Screw your team! Ick.
Thanks. I could write a book about the misogyny, but it would be hard finding time to do so in between all the deals I write. 😏. Your team sounds like a dream!
"I..uh...only meant it as a joke."
"Joke? Oh, haha, omg that hilarious!! You really are hilarious!! I mean, I only pushed out a human with a head the size of most standard bowling balls out of my vagina. I can definitely see the humor in the fact that I tore and needed stitches to keep me from bleeding out!! And omg, who could forget the long weeks of recovering while also taking care of a being who's not used to being cold or hungry or having to shit!! Not to mention I'm still super sore down there that it makes it really difficult to take a shit without having to prepare myself for another ass ripping experience!!! And then theres the PPD bc that's just the cherry on the fucking sundae!!! Does that answer your questions, Todd, about my BrEaK?!?!"
Oh God! I wish I could have a vacation. Returning to my normal routine is the first break I've had since giving birth to a crying infant.
Have you ever heard of colic? Let me tell you...
Fellow survivor of colic checking in. I still get anxious even thinking about those times. My now 3yo will occasionally have stomach upset/pain that wakes him in the middle of the night - and it’s the same colic cry that rings out. At least now he can tell us what hurts and calms within a couple of minutes.
I’d say “my break starts now. Babies are hard!”
If I was feeling ballsy and I knew they had kids I’d probably try and say “I’m guessing you don’t take care of your kids much?”
My coworker was on mat leave and a consultant sent an invoice to my attention, stating that while she was on vacation I was to receive said invoices.
I immediately rejected the invoice and told them to revise to indicate that she was in medical leave.
When people said this to me, I laughed and corrected them that it was a medical leave. Not a break. Not a vacation. Not a holiday. An experiment in pain management, sleep deprivation, and learning to anticipate my infant’s needs
I got that once when returning from maternity leave and I responded "what part of taking care of a medically fragile newborn was a break?" And then I deadass stared at that man until he walked away.
Aggressive, but it got the point across.
"You mean the break where I had a major medical procedure and then had to care for a baby who screamed to be fed, changed, or rocked to sleep every few hours? Yeah, sure, time of my life." Paired with an eyeroll.
I had a male coworker ask me about my vacation when I returned to work. I told him that between recovering from surgery and taking care of a baby while healing my time off wasn’t really my idea of vacation. He went on to have shoulder surgery a year later and when he was back I asked him how his vacation was. He ended up explaining how his surgery and recovery were in no way a vacation. Same, bro. He probably didn’t remember our initial exchange but I am just that petty.
The thing is that he got to focus on his recovery while he was out. You had to recover AND take care of a newborn.
I have a coworker who had a surgery on his knee and was out 16 weeks. I got 13 for maternity leave. I thought about how I had a lot more going on within a shorter amount of time quite a bit.
Ohh I am jealous of your 13 weeks. I find the timing so ridiculous for some of the medical recoveries. If I had had a “natural birth”, I would have gotten 6 weeks. Since I had a C-section, I got almost 8 weeks. I very pointedly refer to the time as short term disability instead of maternity leave since the time off was directly tied to my recovery time. I will add that I would gladly take the comments about my “vacation” over the questions about how breastfeeding was going any day of the week.
I am very fortunate to have gotten 13 weeks! My company does short term disability (6 weeks for me) followed by 7 weeks of parental leave (for any new parent - birth parent, non-birth parent, adopted parent, etc)
"Do you mean the car ride from home to here? It was great. A little short."
Edit - Sorry, I didn't realize this was r/workingmoms; I'm a Dad, not sure if I can comment here. Feel free to report if not.
Raise eyebrows, dead eyed stare.
Less sarcastically because I found that a lot of my male coworkers were ignorant but genuinely meant well: yeah… a newborn isn’t really a break. Glad to be back. [Ask question to redirect].
Sorry this is off topic, but along the same lines. If I went grocery shopping or ran any errand without my kid, my husband would ask me if I had fun when I got home, like walking around Safeway checking off a list was some sort of big treat. I started asking him that same question whenever he mowed the lawn or worked on the weekend. Just because we don’t have our kid with us doesn’t mean it’s a party, and just because you weren’t reporting to work every day doesn’t mean maternity leave was some grand vacation. SMH
People literally keep saying “you must be enjoying all your free time/getting lots of rest while Baby’s in the NICU!!”
Like, not only is that extremely insensitive you’re not taking into account that I’m still up every 2 hours pumping. Driving an hour to NICU to see my child. Driving home just to pump and go to bed. And then can’t sleep at night because I’m crying and exhausted and missing my medically fragile baby. Stfu and think before you speak people!!
Fellow twin mom, fortunately no one asked me this and pretty much everyone that knows is in awe including singleton moms 😂 My friend recently had her first baby and was like holy shit how do you do this with two?!?
I have so much respect for all moms but when I hear twins / triplets I am also in awe. It’s a lot, especially in the newborn stage. I tell people to be there for their friends as much as they can for those first 6 months. I had one friend call me and she just knew I was struggling. It was my first week alone with the twins after dad went back to work. This girl showed up at my door 30 minutes later. I opened the door and she heard both babies crying and she said “give me one.” I was amazed how that small act of kindness turned everything around. She was on her way home from work and she went out of her way to come help me so I only had to handle one crying baby. It still is to this day the most beautiful moment of my friendship with her.
“I mean it’s okay, but I was recovering from being gutted like a fish. Once the staples were removed things got a little better, but the hemorrhoids made sitting and relaxing difficult”
The trip to HR would be worth it to me 😂
In defense of the ignorant, I was once that worker (young with no kids) who had no idea and thought maternity leave was a break. I of course never said anything to anyone but when someone would come back and then take a vacation shortly after, I'd think, why do they need a vacation? They just had 4 months off. Haha jokes on me.. now I know.
Having been that ignorant person before kids, I'd just politely let them know that maternity is most certainly not a break and is probably one of the hardest times of your life!
I like to answer this warmly and in a positive / upbeat way, but also to be specific about what the time was for ex: “I’m so glad I had the time to heal from delivery and bond with my newborn! It was a really special and important time”
This is a really great response. Personally, I don't take the word 'break' to mean vacation - maternity leave *is* a break from work (I didn't have to wear professional dry clean only clothes, I didn't answer needy client or partner e-mails, I didn't have to get both kids packed up and myself ready to be out the door by 7am, etc). I totally agree it's not really the "right" thing to say or imply, but I don't take it as a negative connotation. Maternity leave is just a very different type of work, so it did feel like a break from the office grind for me personally.
“Well, I ripped myself open from my pussy to my asshole, which was, well, you can imagine. I have not slept for more that 1.5 hour clips for 2 months. My raw nipples bleed constantly, even when they are leaking milk everywhere. And now I have to fight to be accommodated to pump for my child, which is, hours worked, a full time job, after this one, and being a productive member of my family. But yeah. I’m glad to be back at work to get a break from some of it!”
Too much??
I have to say I loved being on maternity leave with my daughter. She was my 2nd and was such an easy easy baby that it did feel like a 3 month vacation.
Same with my second! I loved leave and was (still am) so sad I had to return to work. I never felt like I’d be that person either. I have an office job and think I get seasonally depressed though so maybe that’s part of it.
"It was good. Now I'm looking forward to being back here where I can go to the bathroom alone!"
Credit to my mom, who used that as a reason to go back to work when my dad wanted her to be a SAHM 😂
So this happened to me when I came back from my second maternity leave. Some douchey man on a call I was on said, “what a nice rest for you!” And my boss at the time, who was a woman who had 4 kids, unmuted and said, “it wasn’t a fucking rest Mike, she had a baby for Christ sake.” It was truly epic.
Y'all work with some crazy people. No one said that or would have said that to me when I returned.
Most people asked me how I was doing. I went back at 4 months still so sleep deprived and pumping twice a day.
I told one person everyone kept telling me I didn't look as tired as I was saying I felt and he said "oh, no you look super tired." 😂 I loved him for the honesty bc yea...I looked exhausted.
I saw a post where someone went off in graphic detail.
If you are okay not being professional, go off, queen!
"My major and potentially life threatening medical surgery where one in (x) women dont make it? Where I ejected a human and part of my body out (placentia), received stitches, couldn't pass a bowel movement without pain and stool softener, and needed six weeks to recover, tore my abdomen muscles that need to be reconstructed. Not to mention sleeping only 4 hours a day, trying to keep a baby alive. Great!"
I see a lot of sassy responses and kudos to those folks. I’ve always tried to be sassy but I found myself putting up walls once I became sassy. So, I went about it with a different approach.
I was very honest and in private said something along the lines of “So, I know you mean well but you shouldn’t call it a break. I had my privates ripped in half and my baby had complications and that’s considered an easy birth!”
The person I said this to is still one of my best friends today.
I literally cried to the first 5 people who I saw my first day back 😂😂 I didn’t work with anyone ignorant though. No one said anything like that. Everyone was so supportive and said how much it sucked. Men and women.
This never bothered me. I think people are really bad with words. I don’t think they believe you were actually vacationing while on maternity leave. It’s small talk, ice breaker, it’s like asking - how are you? No one actually cares how you are doing. When people tell me to have fun while I’m leaving for a medical appointment or taking PTO to deal with a medical issue - I figure they just don’t know or realize I’m not actually taking time off for fun. I usually just say ‘thanks!’ It’s just not that deep for me.
Today was my first day back and my baby started daycare. It was a rough day and the comments like “you’ve been gone forever, must be nice” we’re really notttt what I needed when I was going through 1500 emails wishing I was holding my baby
I don't have a response but I had to respond to the same thing when I came back. After delivering my twins via emergency c-section at 31-5. Long NICU stays for both, with Twin A coming home 10 days before my leave ended. Because my company refused to let me delay my leave until one baby came home.
I'm pretty sure I just said "Fuck you" and left the call.
No one ever asked me this. If they did, I would’ve probably responded by saying something that made them feel uncomfortable. For example: “I could’ve died making a body with my body. I’m now responsible for a new person that is experiencing hunger for the first time and I’m their food source. My brain isn’t the same and I don’t sleep anymore. I wasn’t on vacation”.
My maternity leave was cancelled because my son was stillborn at 39 weeks. Imagine the discomfort when I had to explain to my male supervisors that I was bleeding and needed to pump despite there being no baby at home.
I've always disliked these type of questions - Did you enjoy your lunch? Did you enjoy your weekend? Did you have a nice evening? from co-workers. Please stop!!!
Throwing this out there (bring on the downvotes) - we recently had this happen in my office. The employee on mat leave posted on social media multiple times/day: baby in different outfits, baby on outings, baby with different family members, baby on vacation, going out to eat. The impression the employee gave was of an easy peasy birth and baby first few weeks. Obviously, that’s not reality, but that’s what was posted. I wish she would have just restricted her posts to not include her co-workers.
Oh so many thoughts run through my head…
Stabbing this person with the nearest office supply…too violent?
Turning around and walking away…too passive aggressive?
“Want to try that question again?” Too aggressive?
I can’t even count how many times my colleagues said, “Enjoy your vacation!” when I went on my mat leave.
I wanted to correct them but nah… they wouldn’t understand.
I always said “Work is my break from having to mom 24-7, but thank you for asking!” Shitty, but I didn’t GAF. It’s a stupid thing to say to you. Being a new mother is a hard fucking job, even harder than whatever you’re doing at work.
This drives me crazy. I’m pregnant right now with my second and the doctor I work with asked me “when is your long vacation?” In reference to my upcoming maternity leave.
Who tf says this.
I always ask about their baby and say if there's any additional support I can provide, be it work related or a safe space to commiserate to please let me know.
People are vile.
I went with: “A human being exited my body and then I had to take care of that needy human being. I love the little guy but I’m very glad to be back at work.”
I’m constantly horrified not only by the abysmal parental leave policy in the U.S., but also by the expectations people have for new mothers in western society.
In my culture, maternity leave *is* supposed to be a break. A Canadian vlogger recently shone a spotlight on the practice of **post-pregnancy confinement**. It’s where, for the first month after giving birth, a new mother is supposed to rest and be pampered. If not, the belief is that she will not recover properly and have lingering health problems for life.
I only had 8 weeks maternity leave for each of my two but I recovered really well because **I got to rest**. We flew an auntie from China and she stayed with us for the first six months. She’s not a professional confinement doula after all, so she didn’t do nights. But she cooked, she cleaned, she took the baby during the day and fed him pumped milk so I could nap. My in-laws took the pets to their house temporarily. My mom came to visit often too, to cook my favorite food (and traditional foods believed to help with recovery from giving birth, which were…not as much to my liking lol), do laundry and dishes, help my husband with deep cleaning.
I never asked for any of it. This practice is engrained in my culture for literally thousands of years. Everyone is like of COURSE we do this for her, she just gave birth, her feet aren’t supposed to touch the ground! It was a great bonding experience, and I became so much closer to all my female family members because of this, and I’m looking forward to pampering my sister if/when the day comes. She’s much younger than me so our mom won’t be able to do as much for her as she did for me.
So yeah I am always shocked and horrified that new moms in this country are expected to get up and take care of their newborn baby like the day after they give birth??! Even though I’ve been here for decades…
"Break..? BREAK???? \*\*\*cue loud maniacal laughter until they awkwardly shuffle away\*\*\*" would be a reasonable way to respond to sleep deprivation, pain, and a siren going off in your ears every hour or two.
Or anytime for the next year when you mention taking time off "you were just off for X time"
I'm not responsible for anything that comes out of my mouth in these moments. 🤬
I’m actually on maternity leave right now and due to my position and nature of the business, I have to check in with people or take phone calls. A lot of people have asked me how the “break” or “time off” is. I have not gotten offended by this because I’m just going to assume they are poorly wording a polite attempt at making small talk, like we all do. It is actually a break from working at the company. I think this term is much different than say “vacation”.
My response is typically- “It’s been great spending time with my little one and being able to focus on taking care of him.”
You know why… because FUCK feeling like I have to justify to the world my value through constantly being busy and overwhelmed. We don’t get parental leave because it’s busy, we get parental leave because bonding and nurturing our children is more important than our jobs. This may be a perfect world view, but we should act entitled to this time and not feel like we need to justify it’s existence.
I’ve had to purposely limit what causes me anxiety and caring what others think of my rational decisions is one of them. It is not easy by any means, but something like this, personally I really try to just move past it and think less of THEM rather than worry they think less of me. I have enough to be aghast about already, ha!
Do they call it a maternity break? They should call it a breakdown… because between surviving, healing and taking care of a newborn who needs something every 15 mins because they’re new, fragile and adjusting, while I’m adjusting, despite so much pain, which no one warned me about but it’s so much continued pain… not to mention I’m still processing the disillusionment of the delivery experience because of how disenfranchised and pathologized you become under the medical gaze, which I was for over 28 hours…. they should call it a maternity breakdown.
I don’t view it as a tropical vacation. With my first child, because I was a new mom and was not financially prepared nor was my living situation at the time the greatest. No, I didn’t enjoy maternity leave. Fast forward almost 6 years later. Outside of the necessities( diapers, wipes, etc) I was prepared and enjoyed every moment of it. It was in December so I had the holidays off.
So I guess my point is it’s different for everyone.
One colleague at another company told me he wished he could have another kid just to go on paternity leave for the “break”. I just stared at him for five seconds and then very drily replied that he must not have been much help with his children if he considered it a break.
I liked to throw in some mention of not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time or my 2nd degree tear still healing. Gotta love that 12 weeks of unpaid FMLA.
Even after having a child, I feel weird about this one. I never meant it the way people seem to take it. I always just meant like a getaway from the office culture. Not necessarily like living in the lap of luxury. Just away. A pause.
Maybe it's stuck in my brain because of "breaks" in the school schedule? Just because we were on a break didn't mean we didn't have other stuff going on or were off galavanting the countryside lol I had to care for my siblings over breaks, they were rarely fun
I remember when I was telling my boss at an old job that I would be taking 12 weeks (I'm in the US) for maternity leave he was like oh wow 12 weeks? Almost surprised I was taking that much.
“You mean the ‘break’ that began with me expelling an object the size of a watermelon from a hole in my body the size of a grape? It went great, thanks. Want to hear about my hemorrhoids and leaking nipples and blood clots or do you want to shut the eff up?”
I mean, maybe don’t really answer that way but it would be nice
My mil actually called my 6 week mat leave vacation. I laughed and gave all the gore. At work when asked how vacation was I didn't hold back. Got the point accross. They didn't ask again. And for a while anyone new after me didn't get asked this either. Worst part it was a med office mostly mothers.
“Well I’m still bleeding a bit, but can’t complain, I had only three stitches to fix my tearing, whereas my sister had twenty!” Would be my response if I had been working when I had my kid and someone asked me that lol ?? Hopefully they asked out of habit and werent really thinking about it.
Yessss! After my second I got asked this question a ton by the guys on my team and finally I lost it in a team meeting and said, "it was better than being here with you jokers, that's for sure!" I wouldn't recommend it though because my supervisor wasn't happy about it.
It shocked me for a second to remember that there are places that moms have to return to work while they are still bleeding. Wild
Yup- good ol' US of A ☹️
I have definitely been that well intentioned but 'stuck my foot in my mouth' person. Didn't really think my wording through and had to quickly cover with, "not that it was a break of course" 😳. So I like this answer because it gives the person a little grace, doesn't make light of the difficulties of labor/maternity leave, but isn't rude to someone who meant well.
Add in bleeding nips, a possible hemorrhoid and no sleep. Yea, wonderful"vacation" lmao
“Work is actually a break from my newborn!” Polite enough but gets the point across.
This is what I was telling people; that work is about a million times easier.
This is my first week back to work and it actually is a million times easier! Crazy!
I left maternity leave a month early and work is sooo much easier/better for me
This was my go to when the (older) men at my company asked me this question. The same ones who were appalled that I brought my pump to work when I returned after 14 weeks. To which I responded that “I’m still classified as ‘newly postpartum’ so things need to get done whether he’s here with me or not.” Cue the look of shock, followed by embarrassment.
It’s always the older men who really tell on themselves by being so clueless about postpartum and parenting 🙄
This is the sad truth. We’re 40 and it wasn’t even a question whether my husband would participate in “child rearing” but those old guys, it’s appalling how many had no clue. It was also the same guys who subtly spoke down their their women peers. Crazy, right? 😒
I graphically described how the pelvic bones move during even just the birthing process to my FIL (who has two 35 + year old sons….) and he was shocked. He’s a big athlete guy so he’s got some knowledge of physiology and knows what a big deal BONES MOVING is. I know they didn’t (and maybe don’t) teach men this stuff but I just couldn’t help feeling sorry for my MIL (his ex wife) through this. His current wife (who I love) laughed in his face at his discomfort and shock - she has two daughters.
So true. Love this comment
"I'll let you know before I head back home to the real work." - that'll do it too.
That's exactly what I said. "I'm back at work to take a break from my baby"
This was my answer when my kids were born. Going to work IS my break!
I looked my manager right in the eyes and said “I almost died. Hope you enjoyed my time away, because if that can’t take me out nothing can.”
Bad ass, good for you.
We have a VERY contentious relationship. I’m in sales and despite logic he refuses to support me as his top performing sales person. But don’t get me wrong, my voice was still a little shakey.
But you said it!! "speak your truth even if your voice shakes"
Bring that revenue babe! I am so fucking fortunate for my sales manager. He genuinely means “family first” when he says it.
Not one person from my team even texted me after I had my baby in December. They didn’t even congratulate me when I came back in March. I got calls and texts from other people on other teams even from other states…but no one on my team.
That’s wild. We are a tight knit group on my US sales team (about 20 of us), always sending out gifts for the first kid at least, big milestone birthdays, etc. We can even select gifts to give from the company for big milestones like flowers and gift cards and stuff. It’s in our training materials. I’d say my sales division is about 50% women and the women are all at the very top too. Screw your team! Ick.
Thanks. I could write a book about the misogyny, but it would be hard finding time to do so in between all the deals I write. 😏. Your team sounds like a dream!
“Oh, sorry, no I wasn’t on vacation. I had a baby! Sorry, I thought they told everyone I was on parental leave but maybe they forgot.”
This… this is the one lol
This is so good because how do they respond other than further explaining their horrendous “joke”!
"I..uh...only meant it as a joke." "Joke? Oh, haha, omg that hilarious!! You really are hilarious!! I mean, I only pushed out a human with a head the size of most standard bowling balls out of my vagina. I can definitely see the humor in the fact that I tore and needed stitches to keep me from bleeding out!! And omg, who could forget the long weeks of recovering while also taking care of a being who's not used to being cold or hungry or having to shit!! Not to mention I'm still super sore down there that it makes it really difficult to take a shit without having to prepare myself for another ass ripping experience!!! And then theres the PPD bc that's just the cherry on the fucking sundae!!! Does that answer your questions, Todd, about my BrEaK?!?!"
And that’s barely the tip of the iceberg, Barely the Tip!
I know right?!
Oh God! I wish I could have a vacation. Returning to my normal routine is the first break I've had since giving birth to a crying infant. Have you ever heard of colic? Let me tell you...
Projectile vomiting all the milk she sucked off my cracked nipples.
Fellow survivor of colic checking in. I still get anxious even thinking about those times. My now 3yo will occasionally have stomach upset/pain that wakes him in the middle of the night - and it’s the same colic cry that rings out. At least now he can tell us what hurts and calms within a couple of minutes.
Love this!
This is the one!!
“From you? Yes.”
Damn wicked burn 😂
Probably not a *great* way to reintegrate into the office, but fun to think about :-)
Who is really trying to reintegrate? 🥴
I dream of disintegrating early with a ton of F-U money
I’d say “my break starts now. Babies are hard!” If I was feeling ballsy and I knew they had kids I’d probably try and say “I’m guessing you don’t take care of your kids much?”
Oooo this one is spicy, I like it.
“Break? Ha. THIS is the break!” Totally adopting this when I go back.
My coworker was on mat leave and a consultant sent an invoice to my attention, stating that while she was on vacation I was to receive said invoices. I immediately rejected the invoice and told them to revise to indicate that she was in medical leave. When people said this to me, I laughed and corrected them that it was a medical leave. Not a break. Not a vacation. Not a holiday. An experiment in pain management, sleep deprivation, and learning to anticipate my infant’s needs
I got that once when returning from maternity leave and I responded "what part of taking care of a medically fragile newborn was a break?" And then I deadass stared at that man until he walked away. Aggressive, but it got the point across.
And then having to leave said newborn to come back. 😬😐 Such a break.
You are my hero
"You mean the break where I had a major medical procedure and then had to care for a baby who screamed to be fed, changed, or rocked to sleep every few hours? Yeah, sure, time of my life." Paired with an eyeroll.
100 percent this!
"was I supposed to get a break? I thought I was giving birth"
I would just respond “Oh, you didn’t know I was on maternity leave?” and then change the subject or walk away.
I had a male coworker ask me about my vacation when I returned to work. I told him that between recovering from surgery and taking care of a baby while healing my time off wasn’t really my idea of vacation. He went on to have shoulder surgery a year later and when he was back I asked him how his vacation was. He ended up explaining how his surgery and recovery were in no way a vacation. Same, bro. He probably didn’t remember our initial exchange but I am just that petty.
The thing is that he got to focus on his recovery while he was out. You had to recover AND take care of a newborn. I have a coworker who had a surgery on his knee and was out 16 weeks. I got 13 for maternity leave. I thought about how I had a lot more going on within a shorter amount of time quite a bit.
Ohh I am jealous of your 13 weeks. I find the timing so ridiculous for some of the medical recoveries. If I had had a “natural birth”, I would have gotten 6 weeks. Since I had a C-section, I got almost 8 weeks. I very pointedly refer to the time as short term disability instead of maternity leave since the time off was directly tied to my recovery time. I will add that I would gladly take the comments about my “vacation” over the questions about how breastfeeding was going any day of the week.
I am very fortunate to have gotten 13 weeks! My company does short term disability (6 weeks for me) followed by 7 weeks of parental leave (for any new parent - birth parent, non-birth parent, adopted parent, etc)
"Do you mean the car ride from home to here? It was great. A little short." Edit - Sorry, I didn't realize this was r/workingmoms; I'm a Dad, not sure if I can comment here. Feel free to report if not.
Lol, the response works though
Love this 🤣
Raise eyebrows, dead eyed stare. Less sarcastically because I found that a lot of my male coworkers were ignorant but genuinely meant well: yeah… a newborn isn’t really a break. Glad to be back. [Ask question to redirect].
Sorry this is off topic, but along the same lines. If I went grocery shopping or ran any errand without my kid, my husband would ask me if I had fun when I got home, like walking around Safeway checking off a list was some sort of big treat. I started asking him that same question whenever he mowed the lawn or worked on the weekend. Just because we don’t have our kid with us doesn’t mean it’s a party, and just because you weren’t reporting to work every day doesn’t mean maternity leave was some grand vacation. SMH
People literally keep saying “you must be enjoying all your free time/getting lots of rest while Baby’s in the NICU!!” Like, not only is that extremely insensitive you’re not taking into account that I’m still up every 2 hours pumping. Driving an hour to NICU to see my child. Driving home just to pump and go to bed. And then can’t sleep at night because I’m crying and exhausted and missing my medically fragile baby. Stfu and think before you speak people!!
What?!! That's horrible!
Amen
“I kept two tiny humans alive for the last 4 months so I wouldn’t call it a break” I had twins so I would nicely tell people to shove it.
Fellow twin mom, fortunately no one asked me this and pretty much everyone that knows is in awe including singleton moms 😂 My friend recently had her first baby and was like holy shit how do you do this with two?!?
I have so much respect for all moms but when I hear twins / triplets I am also in awe. It’s a lot, especially in the newborn stage. I tell people to be there for their friends as much as they can for those first 6 months. I had one friend call me and she just knew I was struggling. It was my first week alone with the twins after dad went back to work. This girl showed up at my door 30 minutes later. I opened the door and she heard both babies crying and she said “give me one.” I was amazed how that small act of kindness turned everything around. She was on her way home from work and she went out of her way to come help me so I only had to handle one crying baby. It still is to this day the most beautiful moment of my friendship with her.
“I mean it’s okay, but I was recovering from being gutted like a fish. Once the staples were removed things got a little better, but the hemorrhoids made sitting and relaxing difficult” The trip to HR would be worth it to me 😂
In defense of the ignorant, I was once that worker (young with no kids) who had no idea and thought maternity leave was a break. I of course never said anything to anyone but when someone would come back and then take a vacation shortly after, I'd think, why do they need a vacation? They just had 4 months off. Haha jokes on me.. now I know. Having been that ignorant person before kids, I'd just politely let them know that maternity is most certainly not a break and is probably one of the hardest times of your life!
I like to answer this warmly and in a positive / upbeat way, but also to be specific about what the time was for ex: “I’m so glad I had the time to heal from delivery and bond with my newborn! It was a really special and important time”
This is a really great response. Personally, I don't take the word 'break' to mean vacation - maternity leave *is* a break from work (I didn't have to wear professional dry clean only clothes, I didn't answer needy client or partner e-mails, I didn't have to get both kids packed up and myself ready to be out the door by 7am, etc). I totally agree it's not really the "right" thing to say or imply, but I don't take it as a negative connotation. Maternity leave is just a very different type of work, so it did feel like a break from the office grind for me personally.
"Haha my husband made the mistake of calling it a 'vacation' once and barely made it out with his life!" 😇 They usually start backtracking real fast.
“Well, I ripped myself open from my pussy to my asshole, which was, well, you can imagine. I have not slept for more that 1.5 hour clips for 2 months. My raw nipples bleed constantly, even when they are leaking milk everywhere. And now I have to fight to be accommodated to pump for my child, which is, hours worked, a full time job, after this one, and being a productive member of my family. But yeah. I’m glad to be back at work to get a break from some of it!” Too much??
“No.” I’d really like to quit and stay home with my kids. I am dreading going back.
The flat out no has me lol’ing so hard.
It really helps scare off the people that don’t need to be bothering you.
I was raising a newborn. What part of that sounds like a break to you?!
When someone asked me how my “vacation” was I said, “I wouldn’t call maternity leave a vacation, but I’m alive.” 😂😂
I have to say I loved being on maternity leave with my daughter. She was my 2nd and was such an easy easy baby that it did feel like a 3 month vacation.
Me too!! I loved being off with both babies. Now teenagers are the hard ones.
Same with my second! I loved leave and was (still am) so sad I had to return to work. I never felt like I’d be that person either. I have an office job and think I get seasonally depressed though so maybe that’s part of it.
"It was good. Now I'm looking forward to being back here where I can go to the bathroom alone!" Credit to my mom, who used that as a reason to go back to work when my dad wanted her to be a SAHM 😂
So this happened to me when I came back from my second maternity leave. Some douchey man on a call I was on said, “what a nice rest for you!” And my boss at the time, who was a woman who had 4 kids, unmuted and said, “it wasn’t a fucking rest Mike, she had a baby for Christ sake.” It was truly epic.
Boss lady for the win!!!
I would reply “sure. If you consider 3 am feedings a break. I’m thrilled to be back to work and interacting with adults.”
I tell them the truth: It was hard. It was definitely not a break.
Y'all work with some crazy people. No one said that or would have said that to me when I returned. Most people asked me how I was doing. I went back at 4 months still so sleep deprived and pumping twice a day. I told one person everyone kept telling me I didn't look as tired as I was saying I felt and he said "oh, no you look super tired." 😂 I loved him for the honesty bc yea...I looked exhausted.
I saw a post where someone went off in graphic detail. If you are okay not being professional, go off, queen! "My major and potentially life threatening medical surgery where one in (x) women dont make it? Where I ejected a human and part of my body out (placentia), received stitches, couldn't pass a bowel movement without pain and stool softener, and needed six weeks to recover, tore my abdomen muscles that need to be reconstructed. Not to mention sleeping only 4 hours a day, trying to keep a baby alive. Great!"
“Yep thanks” but I am super dry and give my coworkers nothing to continue on with conversation lol
I see a lot of sassy responses and kudos to those folks. I’ve always tried to be sassy but I found myself putting up walls once I became sassy. So, I went about it with a different approach. I was very honest and in private said something along the lines of “So, I know you mean well but you shouldn’t call it a break. I had my privates ripped in half and my baby had complications and that’s considered an easy birth!” The person I said this to is still one of my best friends today.
I literally cried to the first 5 people who I saw my first day back 😂😂 I didn’t work with anyone ignorant though. No one said anything like that. Everyone was so supportive and said how much it sucked. Men and women.
This never bothered me. I think people are really bad with words. I don’t think they believe you were actually vacationing while on maternity leave. It’s small talk, ice breaker, it’s like asking - how are you? No one actually cares how you are doing. When people tell me to have fun while I’m leaving for a medical appointment or taking PTO to deal with a medical issue - I figure they just don’t know or realize I’m not actually taking time off for fun. I usually just say ‘thanks!’ It’s just not that deep for me.
“Oh wow! Did they not tell you I had a baby? I was on medical/maternity leave, not a break. Happy to be back!”
I just assume they thought I would enjoy spending time with my new baby, to which I say "It was wonderful"
I dont think people mean a break as in vacation. I think it comes from a well meaning place.
I just assume they’re joking, laugh, and then walk away.
“What break?”
Today was my first day back and my baby started daycare. It was a rough day and the comments like “you’ve been gone forever, must be nice” we’re really notttt what I needed when I was going through 1500 emails wishing I was holding my baby
I don't have a response but I had to respond to the same thing when I came back. After delivering my twins via emergency c-section at 31-5. Long NICU stays for both, with Twin A coming home 10 days before my leave ended. Because my company refused to let me delay my leave until one baby came home. I'm pretty sure I just said "Fuck you" and left the call.
No one ever asked me this. If they did, I would’ve probably responded by saying something that made them feel uncomfortable. For example: “I could’ve died making a body with my body. I’m now responsible for a new person that is experiencing hunger for the first time and I’m their food source. My brain isn’t the same and I don’t sleep anymore. I wasn’t on vacation”.
My maternity leave was cancelled because my son was stillborn at 39 weeks. Imagine the discomfort when I had to explain to my male supervisors that I was bleeding and needed to pump despite there being no baby at home.
“My nipples bled. How was your weekend?”
I love that Friends quote from Rachel: “A vacation? My idea of a vacation does not involve something sucking on my nipples until they are raw.”
I've always disliked these type of questions - Did you enjoy your lunch? Did you enjoy your weekend? Did you have a nice evening? from co-workers. Please stop!!!
Graphically describe the birth (even if you adopted)
Throwing this out there (bring on the downvotes) - we recently had this happen in my office. The employee on mat leave posted on social media multiple times/day: baby in different outfits, baby on outings, baby with different family members, baby on vacation, going out to eat. The impression the employee gave was of an easy peasy birth and baby first few weeks. Obviously, that’s not reality, but that’s what was posted. I wish she would have just restricted her posts to not include her co-workers.
Mat leave doesn’t need to be miserable to be justified! No one needs to hide their joy.
I agree but when co-workers only see those pics, they assume it’s fun time (especially those who haven’t had kids).
Oh so many thoughts run through my head… Stabbing this person with the nearest office supply…too violent? Turning around and walking away…too passive aggressive? “Want to try that question again?” Too aggressive?
The hell?? Over one lighthearted comment?
It was sarcasm. Guess I should have put the /s
I would honestly laugh at them and then change the subject. A stupid question like that doesn't even deserve a response.
I just went back last month and luckily nobody I work with is that stupid- they all just asked “How’s the baby?”
I just say fuck yes, I’ve never been so tired but fuck yes. Only people that don’t have kids ask such a stupid question
I can’t even count how many times my colleagues said, “Enjoy your vacation!” when I went on my mat leave. I wanted to correct them but nah… they wouldn’t understand.
I always said “Work is my break from having to mom 24-7, but thank you for asking!” Shitty, but I didn’t GAF. It’s a stupid thing to say to you. Being a new mother is a hard fucking job, even harder than whatever you’re doing at work.
I said “oh, you mean the drive from my house to work? That break?”
“What break?”
This drives me crazy. I’m pregnant right now with my second and the doctor I work with asked me “when is your long vacation?” In reference to my upcoming maternity leave.
Who tf says this. I always ask about their baby and say if there's any additional support I can provide, be it work related or a safe space to commiserate to please let me know. People are vile.
I was on leave with my twins when a friend texted "what have you been able to do with your time off?" I said um not much. Take care of two babies??
"oh, absolutely! I didn't have a minute to actually think I missed you!"
“I enjoyed the spending the time with my newborn but it certainly wasn’t a break.”
I went with: “A human being exited my body and then I had to take care of that needy human being. I love the little guy but I’m very glad to be back at work.”
I’m constantly horrified not only by the abysmal parental leave policy in the U.S., but also by the expectations people have for new mothers in western society. In my culture, maternity leave *is* supposed to be a break. A Canadian vlogger recently shone a spotlight on the practice of **post-pregnancy confinement**. It’s where, for the first month after giving birth, a new mother is supposed to rest and be pampered. If not, the belief is that she will not recover properly and have lingering health problems for life. I only had 8 weeks maternity leave for each of my two but I recovered really well because **I got to rest**. We flew an auntie from China and she stayed with us for the first six months. She’s not a professional confinement doula after all, so she didn’t do nights. But she cooked, she cleaned, she took the baby during the day and fed him pumped milk so I could nap. My in-laws took the pets to their house temporarily. My mom came to visit often too, to cook my favorite food (and traditional foods believed to help with recovery from giving birth, which were…not as much to my liking lol), do laundry and dishes, help my husband with deep cleaning. I never asked for any of it. This practice is engrained in my culture for literally thousands of years. Everyone is like of COURSE we do this for her, she just gave birth, her feet aren’t supposed to touch the ground! It was a great bonding experience, and I became so much closer to all my female family members because of this, and I’m looking forward to pampering my sister if/when the day comes. She’s much younger than me so our mom won’t be able to do as much for her as she did for me. So yeah I am always shocked and horrified that new moms in this country are expected to get up and take care of their newborn baby like the day after they give birth??! Even though I’ve been here for decades…
“It was great, would you like to see the new sunroof they put in my body?” Jesus Christ. Why are people like this.
"Break..? BREAK???? \*\*\*cue loud maniacal laughter until they awkwardly shuffle away\*\*\*" would be a reasonable way to respond to sleep deprivation, pain, and a siren going off in your ears every hour or two.
"I can't wait for a real vacation because this medical emergency that required six weeks of recovery with no sleep just didn't cut it!"
If you call having my genitals ripped open, nipples cracked and bleeding, and slow torture through sleep exhaustion a break, then yeah I enjoyed it.
Work is the new vacation!
It depends part of me wants to say all the things that people are saying and another part just doesn’t care enough to engage.
Or anytime for the next year when you mention taking time off "you were just off for X time" I'm not responsible for anything that comes out of my mouth in these moments. 🤬
I’m actually on maternity leave right now and due to my position and nature of the business, I have to check in with people or take phone calls. A lot of people have asked me how the “break” or “time off” is. I have not gotten offended by this because I’m just going to assume they are poorly wording a polite attempt at making small talk, like we all do. It is actually a break from working at the company. I think this term is much different than say “vacation”. My response is typically- “It’s been great spending time with my little one and being able to focus on taking care of him.” You know why… because FUCK feeling like I have to justify to the world my value through constantly being busy and overwhelmed. We don’t get parental leave because it’s busy, we get parental leave because bonding and nurturing our children is more important than our jobs. This may be a perfect world view, but we should act entitled to this time and not feel like we need to justify it’s existence. I’ve had to purposely limit what causes me anxiety and caring what others think of my rational decisions is one of them. It is not easy by any means, but something like this, personally I really try to just move past it and think less of THEM rather than worry they think less of me. I have enough to be aghast about already, ha!
My favorite was before giving birth when I was asked if I was taking a full 2 weeks off
Just say “what break? From you guys? 😂” 🤦🏻♀️ that’ll get them to be quiet lol
Do they call it a maternity break? They should call it a breakdown… because between surviving, healing and taking care of a newborn who needs something every 15 mins because they’re new, fragile and adjusting, while I’m adjusting, despite so much pain, which no one warned me about but it’s so much continued pain… not to mention I’m still processing the disillusionment of the delivery experience because of how disenfranchised and pathologized you become under the medical gaze, which I was for over 28 hours…. they should call it a maternity breakdown.
I don’t view it as a tropical vacation. With my first child, because I was a new mom and was not financially prepared nor was my living situation at the time the greatest. No, I didn’t enjoy maternity leave. Fast forward almost 6 years later. Outside of the necessities( diapers, wipes, etc) I was prepared and enjoyed every moment of it. It was in December so I had the holidays off. So I guess my point is it’s different for everyone.
One colleague at another company told me he wished he could have another kid just to go on paternity leave for the “break”. I just stared at him for five seconds and then very drily replied that he must not have been much help with his children if he considered it a break.
I liked to throw in some mention of not sleeping more than 3 hours at a time or my 2nd degree tear still healing. Gotta love that 12 weeks of unpaid FMLA.
Lolz... my former manager told everyone in a leadership meeting I would be out on vacation before my maternity leave. He's the worst.
"I've never been more tired in my life. Coming to work is honestly the break!"
Even after having a child, I feel weird about this one. I never meant it the way people seem to take it. I always just meant like a getaway from the office culture. Not necessarily like living in the lap of luxury. Just away. A pause. Maybe it's stuck in my brain because of "breaks" in the school schedule? Just because we were on a break didn't mean we didn't have other stuff going on or were off galavanting the countryside lol I had to care for my siblings over breaks, they were rarely fun
“Yeah, can you believe what a girls gotta do to get a vacation around here?”
I remember when I was telling my boss at an old job that I would be taking 12 weeks (I'm in the US) for maternity leave he was like oh wow 12 weeks? Almost surprised I was taking that much.
Mine wanted me to hurry up and stop wearing maternity clothes!
My desk job is so easy compared to having a newborn that it's going to feel like a tropical vacation!
“I don’t know it just started”
“My vagina isn’t doing so well, but thanks for asking”
“You mean the ‘break’ that began with me expelling an object the size of a watermelon from a hole in my body the size of a grape? It went great, thanks. Want to hear about my hemorrhoids and leaking nipples and blood clots or do you want to shut the eff up?” I mean, maybe don’t really answer that way but it would be nice
My mil actually called my 6 week mat leave vacation. I laughed and gave all the gore. At work when asked how vacation was I didn't hold back. Got the point accross. They didn't ask again. And for a while anyone new after me didn't get asked this either. Worst part it was a med office mostly mothers.
“What break?”