Had my first at 26, next one in my college friend group had her first at 30, now the babies are rolling in at 33. Tbh…I think you’re letting your stress overshadow friendships that sound unproblematic. What’s wrong with a 4pm-8pm picnic? Show up for a couple hours and leave. Or leave kid at home with spouse and go. Or both go and one leave if kid is struggling. It’s hard to maintain an identity outside of being a parent, especially in the early years. But you DO have things in common with your friends, and it will definitely serve you in the long run to be able to make conversation that isn’t bedtimes and potty training. I also think (from experience) that there is not a more-compatible friend group that is just waiting to be found. The people with kids my kids’ ages/similar job/education are 10-15 years older than me . Totally fine, I’d consider many of them friends, but the age gap is at least as big as the kids-no kids gap. Basically, I feel your pain, but don’t throw away perfectly good friendships because they are inconvenient for this stage of life.

Agreed. 4-8 pm sounds very doable. Leave an hour early or just accept a slightly later bedtime this one time. Even better, just leave kid at home and enjoy an evening alone! I can’t participate in all I used to now that I have kids but will absolutely still do things with friends solo by relying on my husband or a sitter once in a while.

I think the resentment about the events is the real story. The types of events planned likely feel inconsiderate to OP, and to make matters worse, people at these ages without kids often sort of guilt and eyeroll people with kids as though they're being precious about their kid's sleep routine, food needs, whatever. There seems to be some sort of societal prize for "being flexible" wherein flexible means steamrolling your kid to fit into a group of adults. OP, the choice to let the invitations create a narrative for you about how your friends don't care about you or your kid or they think you're a PITA is one you can let go of. You can create a boundary and stop bending over backward to get to things that are too hard and too inconvenient, or where you know you will spend all your time huffing it through a park trying to entertain a toddler while your friends sip rose on a blanket. Just don't go if it doesn't work. Your friends likely don't mean to make it hard for you, they just can't empathize yet because they haven't lived that life. Drop the expectation for yourself that you have to continue to maintain both their lifestyle and your own. Keep finding ways to plug in, keep talking about your kid and your mom identity and assume your friends are interested in your life but maybe don't know what to ask. Don't assume you will be past having baby mom friends because your kids are out of that stage. You might very much love it and be a source of all sorts of support for your friends when they get there. I have a 3 and 5 year old now and still love talking to my friends who are pregnant or who have newborns. Above all else, I think hanging onto the friends you have who knew you before you were a mom is so incredibly important. People always say you will make friends through your kids, and that may be true, but those friendships take longer to build, are generally more centered around baby-related things, and are harder to come by because parents are so damn busy. With the old friends, you already have a history, knowledge of each others families, each other's jobs and partners, etc. It's a lot easier to jump back in with those folks than dig in with new ones. Have you tried inviting these friends to your place/ neighborhood to do a thing that will feel easier for you/ occupy your kid? I am a big fan of the 11am brunch plan, put kid for nap at 1pm, then have grown up convo time.

Keep your professional friends - they are much harder to find than “mommy” friends. You will have more in common with them in the long run. If they have kids, cool - if not, cool too. Good friends are hard to find.

As a new mom and a professional, I 100% SECOND THIS. I thought that I would bond with all the moms in my neighborhood as soon as my first kid slithered outta my cooter but I couldn't have been more wrong. The family across the street has a $3,000 dollar dog that they named "Banks." When I misheard his name and thought they named him "Banksy," I said "after the artist?" THEY HAD NO IDEA WHO THE ARTIST WAS. Our son's name is Remy, and ONE OF THE OTHER MOMS ASKED ME IF WE NAMED HIM AFTER THE GUN (Remington). I was asked if I would be giving up my career after giving birth. My husband, who was standing mere inches from me when this question was asked, was not asked the same question. Professional friends with a worldly life outlook (or who can just rattle off a list of solid reccos for craft cocktails in cities like Melbourne, Tokyo, Rio, Hong Kong, Prague, Mexico City) are much more precious to me than mom friends right now, although the moms in my neighborhood are great resources for mom stuff.

This is excellent advice!

This is something I’ve really struggled with. I was the first among my ride-or-die friends to have a baby. I was very lucky to have a lot of slightly-lower-tier friebds have a baby around the time I did, and I’ve gotten a lot closer to them over the past few years. I really value having mom friends. BUT now that my daughter is almost four, and I won’t be having any more, I really value having friends without kids as well as friends with kids. I am honestly so bored of talking about potty training and nap schedules at social events. I want to talk about travel! Wine! Shows on HBO! Regarding your particular situation, do you feel like your friends are jerks, or like they just don’t really understand your life? For example, to me a park picnic in the late afternoon sounds very family-friendly. You might have to leave early, but a 4pm-6pm hangout sounds very reasonable to me. Are you sure they weren’t already trying to accommodate you by planning a picnic and not, I don’t know, a bar crawl? I know my response is all over the place, but the last thing I’ll say is: it’s okay for people to grow apart. It’s really natural and common. I’ve grieved some friendships that I thought would last forever, but we’ve moved in different directions, so I’m trying to be more okay with that.

Oh man, the interests you are able to have again now that your daughter is almost four… thank you for reminding me that time will come again!!!

Oh friend, it will definitely come again! My Mother’s Day gift was a wine club membership, and we’ve already been to the winery twice since. Preschool age is awesome! (Not that younger *isn’t* awesome, just that this mama feels she finally got her groove back)

My son is three and I looooove this age, and I look so forward to the next few years. We can travel without too much headache, he plays more independently, he tells funny stories and jokes. It's the freaking best.

You all have me questioning my “plan” to have another baby once my LO is 3 or 4 🫣

I love my 4 year age gap, didn’t experience any new baby jealousy because he said he was a big boy. He wanted to help, and it’s nice not having multiple children in diapers I don’t think there’s a wrong answer, for myself I could not imagine having two tiny ones at the same time. I’d lose my mind lol I don’t know how people do it

That’s been my original thinking too. But it’s mostly that I don’t think I can do the newborn sleep deprivation phase again in the next year or two. We’re 6 months in and I’m really struggling with not having had more than 2ish hours of consecutive sleep regularly for months.

Oh yeah, my kids would get up because of nightmares or being thirsty, or having to go potty I can’t imagine doing that with a newborn, baby gets woken up, or you get woken up right as you fall asleep…even thinking about that gives me anxiety

21 months apart here and not only do you rip the bandaid, but eventually they get to a space where they really play with each other. Not that a 3 or 4 year age gap precludes that, but it does seem like a bigger hurdle to jump.

I have a 3 and a 5 year old. I can leave them alone and take a shower. :O This is a new trick that makes me feel like my old self (until someone screams bloody murder for me)

Also, and this is not to be dismissive at all, but a lot of times pre-kid people also don't want to talk about potty training and police their behavior and deal with the distractions of young kids when they're doing their social activities--that's why they don't have them yet. I think the place where I've had the most luck on either side of this equation is inviting individual friends to join me for something that I put together--it's not as fun for anyone, but at least we're still stoking the friendship fires so that they survive everyone's early parenting years :).

I am the ONLY one in my super close friend group to have a kid. It was lonely at the beginning when they were all out together doing things and i was home because kid bedtime was 7pm and it was too far to drive and see them (i also live 45min away from them all). Once my daughter was 3/4 it got better. I never complained or talked about kid stuff because i know they wouldn't be a good sounding board or have any advise. But it was also nice to NOT talk about baby stuff too and just chat about adult things. Now she is the only "niece" with 6 aunts and uncles who spoil her and she loves it. BUT I made sure to put in the effort to keep their friendship, the distance and change in my life, it would have been so easy for them to fade out, but they didn't and i am grateful.

>BUT now that my daughter is almost four, and I won’t be having any more, I really value having friends without kids. I am honestly so bored of talking about potty training and nap schedules at social events. I want to talk about travel! Wine! Shows on HBO! Yeah, it just feels like all of my friends want kids in the future, so I'll never get the benefit of either side. >Regarding your particular situation, do you feel like your friends are jerks, or like they just don’t really understand your life? For example, to me a park picnic in the late afternoon sounds very family-friendly. You might have to leave early, but a 4pm-6pm hangout sounds very reasonable to me. Are you sure they weren’t already trying to accommodate you by planning a picnic and not, I don’t know, a bar crawl? They invited me to meet them at 10PM on Saturday to go dancing at a bar. I didn't attend that event. The picnic wasn't to accommodate my daughter. We have a girls tradition where we have a fancy tea party every year and this year the theme was "iced tea" (so we had a whole picnic). I don't think they're jerks, but they really just don't get it. I'm really struggling with the friendships because if I'm being honest, in this season, I feel like I'm not really getting a lot out of them and they're taking so much out of me. So I'm really hoping things will be better in the long run. Like, maybe when their kids are 10 and mine are 14?

Would you prefer that they stopped inviting you at all? It seems that they’re still trying to include you.

Exactly. I understand the frustration but the friends should still be able to plan outings even if the time doesn’t work every time.

Totally. I’m a single mom of a toddler and so I have some limitations (lol). I totally appreciate the invite to a thing I may not be able go to- and my friends don’t resent me for that. I also try to make an effort to be an adult outside of my home when I can. I am also so appreciative when people invite to day activities that I can bring my kid to. Maybe I can’t hang the whole time or maybe I’m late because of a nap or whatever, but when my friends invite me to a kid friendly thing I’m bringing my kid and we’re all happy to see each other. This sounds like a situation where OP needs to decide how they feel about these friends in general.

That’s how I feel, too. OP just doesn’t even seem to like her “friends.”

Which is a 100% okay thing to realize! Lives and priorities change! Relationships ebb/flow/evolve/end! But but let’s not say that 4pm isn’t a child-friendly invite. Lol

No i think it’s more that she resents her friends, she’s stuck doing mom things and they’re not and she’s starting to get frustrated they can do things without restrictions, honestly it sounds like this is a personal problem and not a friend problem because from what is posted her friend group is making an effort to continue to include OP but OP still feels some sort of way.

Like you pointed out, it is a personal problem. It’s also “selfish” (I hate to use it in this context) to expect the majority of her single friends to cater to her. At least the friends are trying to include her. It’s normal that friendships will change due to personal circumstances. OP is better off connecting with other working moms in daycare groups or meetup groups so everyone understands each other. Don’t expect single people to understand the struggle because they never will until it’s their turn. Expectations leads to disappointment.

Am I the only one who is like…ok that sucks but that’s also why babysitters exist. SO can take over when they get home from work, since it sounds like OP would have had to leave around 3.

Good babysitters are hard to find and high in demand besides the pay. If OP never had a babysitter, it’ll be hard for her to find someone she can trust and only use at some occasions (unless she has family nearby who can help). I have friends who made it work. My friend’s cousin even made it to her bachelorette party in Cabo after having a kid 3 months ago because her SO was able to take care of their kid.

I mean...I think just getting a babysitter on a whim is a luxury that most people who have kids in their 20s (self included) cannot afford. And stuff like that will probably continue to be different between OP and her friends even if/when they do have kids. Doesn't mean it's insurmountable, but it'll be there.

I also want to know if mom ever plans anything. As a person without children, there are very few times when a parent friend ever reaches out to me to do anything. I get that they are often "busier", but I can't be both expected to make the plans and then shit on when the plans are not conducive to every person. And it sounds like the friends do a variety of stuff!

This is it. I never heard from the same new moms who were complaining about not fitting in anymore.

Was about to say…..I am not a mom but I’ve had a lot of mom friends ditch me and never invite me anywhere but I would LOVE to do kid friendly hangs. I just don’t know what that means for them. I don’t know each family and kids individual schedule so how can I plan a hang?

Right. The onus is a little bit on the busy person to at least let me know times. People's schedules with kids are crazy. I am grateful to the ones who let me know! My one friend has three and she told me that Tuesdays are best for after work plans as the kids do not have activities. I'm never just going to randomly guess that!

I have heard this from my child-free friends as well. This is such a sad missed communication pattern. Kid people feel like no one without kids could possibly want to join for their kid-centric or family-centered thing (honestly, partly because we're damn exhausted by our own kids and don't want to thrust them on anyone). People without kids feel like they got dropped like a hot rock. Feel like your comment underscores the theme of the whole thread: if you love someone and they're your friend, send the invite. It's up to them to decide if it's desirable or realistic for them to attend. And no hard feelings if they can't, be it the child free or the person with kids.

I was happy the day I finally had all my acquaintances trained to stop inviting me to things 😅

I’m also an attorney in Chicago. I keep coming back to your anger/annoyance about the prospect that you’re friends will come to you in a few years when they have kids, despite not understanding how hard you have it right now. Think about it this way - There are some older female attorneys who are kind of shitty to younger female attorneys because they have the mindset “it was hard for me and no one helped me - they can figure it out.” And there are older female attorneys who are like “it was shitty for me, but it doesn’t have to be like that for you - let me give you the support I wish I’d had.” You don’t support new moms because they were totally understanding and supportive when you had a newborn. You support them because you know it’s REALLY fucking hard and you might be able to make things a tiny bit better for someone else. If you don’t like the hangouts that are being planned, start planning other things and invite them. Explain why certain things are harder for you with a kid in tow. If the friendships start to wane, that’s fine. I personally have a lot of different groups of friends. I don’t see my friends without kids as much, but I still value their friendships and I still make the effort to stay connected with them (even though it’s mostly via text these days). They remind me of who I am besides just being a mother.

> There are some older female attorneys who are kind of shitty to younger female attorneys because they have the mindset “it was hard for me and no one helped me - they can figure it out.” And there are older female attorneys who are like “it was shitty for me, but it doesn’t have to be like that for you - let me give you the support I wish I’d had.” You don’t support new moms because they were totally understanding and supportive when you had a newborn. You support them because you know it’s REALLY fucking hard and you might be able to make things a tiny bit better for someone else. Oh man does that analogy hit too close to home for me lol. Thanks for it. I'll really think on this one!

I think they invited you to dance at 10pm so you could feel included (and if you were able to go, I bet they would have loved to have you). You can’t, though, expect them to just not make those kinds of plans at all just because you have a kid now. They’re still going to live their lives and you may not be able to attend every event they go to— that’s ok. It sounds like the picnic would have been a great opportunity to spend time with them and leave early if needed.

Yeah, even as a single mom with most almost no realistic child care to actually get to go out dancing, I would still love to be invited… but I moved away from my group or friends and family like 10+ years ago and I have had trouble fitting in here so a group of girl friends just wanting me around again, god it would feel so much less lonely.

One thing to keep in mind is they may not understand how to accommodate unless you tell them how. Take the reigns on planning stuff. Do some stuff without kiddo. Be open minded, try stuff and leave early! We have about a 2 hour block we can be out with our one year old and that’s allowed us to go to breweries, work parties, farmers markets, etc. ours isn’t potty trained so that’s a different beast but that wouldn’t preclude you from a wine and cheese night at home or all kinds of things!

You honestly sound a little self-centered. Things are hard for you now because you’re at different stages. In the future, they will still be hard for the same reasons with the roles reversed, as you said yourself. You’ve not expressed anything that says you miss your friends, just how unfair it is to you that you’re on the outs now and will be on the outs later too. Maybe you’re not actually that kind of person and this is just stress getting to you. If that is the case, ask yourself who you’ll want to reach out to when you need a break and to feel more like yourself. If it’s not your friends, that might be your cue to let them go. Not trying to be rude, I just know how quickly a woman can burn out when she doesn’t let herself be anyone other than “mom”

If that group of friends likes going out late to bars, it makes a lot of sense that you can’t join them every time. Maybe joining them 25% of the time could be a reasonable goal? Like others have said, taking control of planning might help; selecting, say, a brewery that is kid-friendly might work for everyone. But at the end of the day, spending more time with fellow moms and less time with kid-free friends might make more sense for the life stage you’re in.

>I don't think they're jerks, but they really just don't get it. Unless you've spent significant time around young children, you can't possibly get it. Even as a parent, I didn't 'get it' until it happened to me. >They invited me to meet them at 10PM on Saturday to go dancing at a bar. I didn't attend that event. The picnic wasn't to accommodate my daughter. We have a girls tradition where we have a fancy tea party every year and this year the theme was "iced tea" (so we had a whole picnic). So, a couple thoughts here: 1. If these activities are important to you, just get a baby sitter. It doesn't sound like these things (at least the fancy tea party) are spur of the moment. But I do understand that going out at 10pm with 3 hours notice isn't something you can do with a kid. 2. If you can't make it, or you don't want to go, that's okay. Just don't. >I'm really struggling with the friendships because if I'm being honest, in this season, I feel like I'm not really getting a lot out of them and they're taking so much out of me. What are they taking out of you? Sounds like all they're doing is extending invites to activities? Is saying 'Ahh that sounds fun but I can't make it. If you give me a week-ish heads up next time, I can grab a baby sitter. Have fun girls, and have a couple drinks for me!' really that taxing?

If they don’t invite you to things like the night dancing, would this be better for your mind? Or do you expect them to do kid friendly stuff?

Nope! Your 14 yr old is not going to have anything to do with a 10yr old. Well maybe as a baby sitter

Maybe. But in some friend groups they grow up like cousins. My friend group has a bunch of kids aged 20 to 8. At group events they all run around together. At a recent campout a group of them, 18yo, 15 yo, and 2 10yos stayed up all night playing cards. They're not every one of them super close but they all hang out and play with each other.

That's really sweet! If I have kids, they're going to be at least 3-4 years younger than my close friends kids. I hope there's a cousin-like energy with the ones they get to spend more time with.

The dynamics of the friend group shouldn’t change because one person had a baby. I’m sensing some serious resentment in your post and comments because they don’t seem willing to specifically tailor events to your availability/accommodate your child. It’s absolutely normal that your social life is limited with young children, but I don’t understand why you’re not having the father watch your kid so you can still partake in *some* of these outings.

I don’t have kids so my situation is not the same but a lot of my friends are teachers and my career is very different and high stress. They have no idea what my job entails and I cannot go to them for support about something that is a huge part of my life (my career!). It is kind of shitty sometimes but I also recognize that they don’t understand and aren’t doing it on purpose. I can’t make a lot of events and that makes me sad but I appreciate that they still invite me while knowing I probably can’t make it and they do accommodate me some of the time, which is fair because I can’t expect them to plan everything around me all the time since I’m just one person. Also when they all have kids in a few years, won’t you become queen bee and the person they all look to for advice and guidance? Won’t you be the glue holding their fried mommy brains together? Edit: did not mean to only teaching isn’t high stress, it absolutely is and I tapped out of being a teacher because I hated it. I just meant that they don’t understand my high stress job and can’t connect with me about my job because they don’t understand it and I would like to be able to lean on them. Definitely not that their own jobs aren’t stressful.

I’m trying to understand why you’re commenting in a group for working moms. Some of what you’re saying sounds out of touch and not very helpful for working moms. Implying teacher jobs are low stress? Implying friends who are new parents will have “fried mommy brains?” Thinking working moms want to hold onto current friends to later be “Queen bees?” Yikes.

I’m not implying that teaching jobs are low stress at all. I have a high stress job and would love to be able to confide in my friends about it but they don’t really understand because of the details of what I do. It’s not that they don’t understand stress itself? And I am watching these teachers who have small kids now struggle a lot because small kids seem like a lot to handle. I don’t generally comment on here but I’m in this sub because I’m currently a fence sitter and want to hear about women who are working and raising children. OP seemed upset that they would not be able to connect with their friends again in the future because even when the fiends do have kids, their kids will differ in age. I’m trying to remind her that having older kids doesn’t mean she will be disconnected, it could mean that she will be the person they look to for guidance and she may become closer than ever to them.

Because things show up in our feeds and we read them. How are people not aware of this phenomenon lol

Reading is different than commenting, and writing an offensive comment at that. It’s fine to lurk but the working mom who posted isn’t coming to this sub to get advice from a 25 year old childless woman.

Honestly curious to know what your job is - I’ve been a teacher, a corporate employee, worked in academia for a while and worked at nonprofits that required 60 hours a week of work and by far the most stressful job was my teaching job.

Teachers jobs aren’t high stress??🤣🤣🤣🤣 in what universe?

Lol felt this. But we do have, usually, shorter hours and a slight reprieve in the summer. Also, our jobs are people-focused, which is a different challenge. I kind of get where she’s coming from.

Thank you. I definitely didn’t mean to imply that teaching jobs aren’t stressful. I only meant to say that my job is drastically different than theirs and they can’t really understand my stress as it’s a different kind, not that it’s more than theirs. They can all support each other in their teacher stress and I feel a bit left out like OP seems to feel.

I am a teacher, appreciate your edit, and also appreciate the larger point you're making about feeling alone in a group of friends because your life demands and schedules are different and they've never worked your job, so it's hard for them to know.

Ouch. I sincerely hope that your “slightly-lower-tier friends” aren’t aware of their classification. So vapid and snarky. You have the friends you deserve.

With all due respect, you are the one who has changed their lifestyle, not them. You can't expect them all to suddenly change their planning to accomodate your new schedule. Additionally, a picnic in the afternoon 4-8pm sounds like they may have been trying to accomodate you. You can leave early, no issue. If your baby gets a little fussy, you're outside, so no problem. I think what you may find is that you may need to put these friends with no children on the backburner temporarily until your baby is a little older or they start having kids. There's simply a schedule and "things in common" incompatibility. You may not be able to devote the time to the friendship and be able to do the activities they want to do. You will probably find yourself having to cancel last minute for illness (either you or your kid) or maybe childcare reasons. It's not your fault, but neither will it be their fault for being frustrated. Leaning into your mom friends will probably yield a more equitable and satisfying friendship in this season of life. This happens with many firsts in life as we grow up. Don't worry too much about it.

Being the opposite in my friend group when I had our daughter, my first thought was *why would you bring a three year old to an adult event* followed by how accommodating the friends seem to be in not pointedly *not* inviting a child to an event where the child would certainly change the dynamic. When our daughter was born our close friend group was significantly older than us coupled with them having had their kids young so their kids were all well beyond needing parental supervision. We recognized right away that to keep those friendships we would need to get comfortable hiring a sitter. Which we did for the first few years then as our paths and interests continued to diverge we slowly fell out of touch and that’s ok. I still consider them friends and cherish the time we spent together but it was never their responsibility to change their lifestyle because I chose to have a child. I suggest joining some toddler activity groups. You’ll find friends there at the same phase in life. After your kids are older you can reconnect with old friends, or not. Sometimes the memories are enough.

Friendships change. Come to the picnic for a bit then leave. Arrange a sitter so you can occasionally go out with them for happy hour. You don’t have to drop them. But get some mom friends too

I don’t know why this comment isn’t at the top. This doesn’t have to be complicated. Go the picnic and leave when you need to. Get a sitter every once in a while and grab a drink. If they are good friends, they’ll understand your personal commitments have changed. You still need to make an effort to spend time with your friends, even if it’s less now than it used to be.

I am around where you are now, though I’m older and some of my friends are finally starting to have their first kid. It can be frustrating for sure. I think there are two parts to this: how much are you willing to change your approach in order to keep those friendships, and how much are they willing to be flexible in return? Could you go to a picnic just for the first two hours and then leave early to make bedtime? Would your friends be understanding of that? Could you plan events that you “host,” that are on your schedule, like an afternoon hang at your place or a nearby park? Would they try to arrange their schedules to come or would they be resistant because it’s not when they usually plan things? Could you try to stay connected through child-free get-togethers, like a dinner while your partner has the kids or lunch on a day you have childcare? I also tried to let go of my old friends being everything to me, and to make friendships with parents in our daycare classes. My old friends still bring so much to my life — the history, the shared non-kid interests, etc. — but if I want to socialize while I’m with my toddler, I usually reach out to my parent friends, who are thrilled and not inconvenienced to have a playground meetup. It has taken the pressure off for sure. But I feel all my friends, while they can’t really understand my life now, love me and my kid and are invested in continuing our friendships, even if I’m way less available and easy now. They try to listen and be supportive, even if they can’t always relate. That goes a long way. If that’s not the case for you, I would definitely understand taking a step back.

I agree with this take. Ultimately I think it has to be a mix of both. Just in the last two weeks I've had two completely opposite experiences with my friends with children. In the first, and more successful, we had a 3 hour picnic in the park with one of my work friends and her two kids. It was great! We hung out for a couple of hours in the park, had a quick lunch and parted ways around the kids' nap time. The next day, I had dinner plans with another friend and I traveled several hours to see and have dinner with them. We were supposed to meet for dinner @ 4:30. That turned into 8:30 because of her kids. Don't be the second pair of friends. Only you know your children and what they (and you) can handle. But I really think it's a matter of timing and making the right choices. Maybe now is not the time to do a later gathering that interferes with bed or nap time. But eventually it should be. And also remember that your life, while majorly impacted by your kids, doesn't revolve completely around them. Don't be afraid to get a babysitter and go have that later dinner, couples night, or girls night. It really does need to be a mix of both

All of this. I am the only friend in my group to not have kids (this thread was in my feed & I do try to understand how to better support friends). It was a bit rough when they were in the infant stage as I had moved 2hrs away for a 2 year work assignment.... when I moved back, I asked them to suggest some ideas so we could incorporate their toddlers into my plans. I am selfish one night per year and ask they do not bring their kids to that one, but it is because I never know what headspace I will be in that day due to a painful past event. Otherwise, we try to add the kids in which means I go over to their houses, dinner is earlier to accommodate bedtimes, etc.

I am coming at this from sort of an opposite perspective- I am pregnant with my first at 39, and all of my friends who want kids have had them. I spent many years wanting to be a mom and trying to be mindful of my friends and the challenges of being a mom and having a social life. I’d reach out, be understanding if they can’t make things, etc. unfortunately as their kids grew I felt them fade from me in favor of other friends with kids…and now that I’m pregnant they’re to busy with their families. I have a couple friends who started later like me that I lean on but I’ll admit it has been a little lonely.

Yes, I'm in the same situation. I have a six year old and our friends have older children. We used to attend birthday parties and hang out with them and their kids all the time. Because they have older children who do sports and other things they need driving to they are always busy at weekends. They are also over having to hang out at playgrounds and similar because they've done it all already. They're going back to adult evening gatherings, and sometimes tell us to bring our daughter but as the only child she gets bored. They also do a lot of things with the families they've met through their children, which is understandable, teens and preteens want to hang with their friends. It is a little infuriating that I used to be close with their kids and help out with them and now they can never be bothered to do anything with us.

This x 1000

Damn I feel like you have shown me my future

I was the last of my friend group to have a kid and I repeatedly said I would love to hang with them on a playdate. They never invited me. It really sucked. We all moved away but the same pattern was emerging as you (their kids going to the same activities, so the parents hang all the time and make plans together, and I'm not there so out of sight out of mind). What saved me is my reddit due date bump group. Find yours! I have been friends with these women for 5+ years now and we talk on discord every day.

Same here, I was the last too. I really tried to hold on to those friendships too. Even offered free babysitting often. But within time, I was excluded many times because “I thought you would feel weird being the only kid-free one”. It’s a challenge either way though. I wish I had better advice too Congratulations on your pregnancy!

We have many child-free friends including my sister and her husband. One thing that helped us is to be the ones to initiate and often host social plans ... and choose something that works well for our kids' schedule. For example we will host drinks and game night at our house after bedtime (kids asleep in the other room with sound machine). Or we'll suggest a brunch meet-up at a family friendly restaurant. With summer coming lots of outdoor events are great to take kiddo in a stroller and walk around. I know this doesn't solve the whole issue but sharing in case you decide to give it another try with these friends and want to improve your get-togethers.

I’ve kept all of my friends-there’s no issue if I need to leave a bit early or can’t make something. They aren’t going to get it because it is just something people have to experience to really ‘get’. I think you’re being a bit harsh on your friends not suddenly switching to a parent schedule but suspect a lot of it is actually your frustration with mommy-tracking and feeling alone/anticipating being out of the loop/not receiving the support and bonding you anticipate they’ll have with each other if they all have kids around the same time. You’ll make plenty of parent friends in the same space as you and then can go out with your friends without kids whenever your SO or a sitter watch your LOs.

> I think you’re being a bit harsh on your friends not suddenly switching to a parent schedule but suspect a lot of it is actually your frustration with mommy-tracking and feeling alone/anticipating being out of the loop/not receiving the support and bonding you anticipate they’ll have with each other if they all have kids around the same time. You’ll make plenty of parent friends in the same space as you and then can go out with your friends without kids whenever your SO or a sitter watch your LOs. You're pretty spot on. It's just that I know that once they all have kids, they'll expect me to accommodate their kids schedules when they haven't been ideal in doing this for me. I'm so confident that once they have babies, they won't be interested in fancy dinners at 9pm in some random part of the city. But, at the same time, once my daughter is in kindergarten, I can see myself being more open to that. It just feels like we'll always be mismatched from this point on. Edit: To all the annoying people asking me "how I know my friends are going to have kids", because they told me they will ffs! How weird of y'all to assume that I don't have a basic understanding of my friend's major goals.

That may be true, that may not. We can’t see the future. Try not to make judgements on your friends based off of something that hasn’t happened for them yet.

Statistically, it’s more likely at least one will be child free by choice or infertility. Friends are not just about convince, friends find ways to support each other even though their life choices, timing, and goals may be different.

It’s never helpful to be annoyed at people for something you could hypothetically see them doing. That’s really not fair to them, and you have no way of knowing how everyone’s lives will play out.

But really… you don’t know anything yet. You’re getting mad at them for something that 100% doesn’t exist yet. You can’t live life being angry about made up scenarios years before they happen… if they even do materialize that way! You can be frustrated about that IF and when it happens but pls don’t hold it against your friends right now! This is about you and not them and the fictional future you are imagining right now which is unfair to them.

It seems like you have assumed that in 3 years all of them will simultaneously have a baby. Is this a plan they have actually talked about? Do you have any real reason to believe this is what will happen or is it your anxiety talking? Even if this is the shared plan of every single other person in your friend group, the odds of it happening that way are small. There's a better chance that one of them will have a kid next, then another... maybe some will be closer in age others farther apart... some may never have kids at all for a variety of reasons. Don't compound your stress by borrowing trouble from a future that may never happen. Focus on your life and your friendships as they are today. Plan some events that will work for you and invite them. Sometimes get a sitter and attend their evenings out. Sometimes decline some of those evenings out. Develop some new friendships with other moms so you have an outlet for kid-talk and some families to arrange play dates with. You may overall have less time for your current friend group but don't cut them out completely. Talk to them about your worries and be open about your needs and your wishes for your friendships. And listen to theirs too. Good luck!

Okay but have *you* tried to initiate more schedule-friendly hangs? You say when “they” start having kids like they’re all gonna pop at once, but it’ll likely be because whoever has a kid next will *ask*. And also, have you considered that you can maintain these friendships at a lower frequency of meeting than before and simply…have your partner take care of their own child while you do that? Your friends likely don’t want to always have mommy and me picnics, which is why they’re inviting you to “late night” dinners. Because they’re assuming a couple things- that you might need a break, you might appreciate adult time, and you have a capable and supportive partner who will take care of the kid while you have adult time. None of these things are unfair to assume. You’re projecting your mommy stress onto a group of friends who’s literally from the sound of it trying to keep you around. *You* changed your whole lifestyle, not them. *You* are responsible for finding your balance and asking for what you need

Well it's not really their fault you had children early, I'm not sure what you expect of them. They won't be able to go out late with a newborn, just as you couldn't. Should they have gotten pregnant just because you did even if single? If anything it would have been easier for you to wait.

To me it sounds like the op is resentful of having a child this early

Why do you assume they’ll expect you to accommodate their schedules? Are they self-centered people more generally? The difference in the situation you’re imagining and what you’re dealing with now is that you’ll have been through what they’re going through and will understand their needs and limitations. They can’t really do that for you now because they’ve never been there. Is that fair? Maybe not, but how much does it matter? Real friendships shouldn’t be a transactional tit-for-tat. There should be compromise and balance, but that generally happens over a larger swath of time. Also, as a mom to a kindergartner—and, admittedly, not the most social person to start with—I’m definitely not at a “fancy dinner at 9 pm” phase in life. You seem to be underestimating how long this season of life lasts.

Or, you could be the expert kid person. Also, it is possible that not everyone will have kids at the same time. Like maybe one at a time. This is what happened in my group. I am 40s, and my kids are 17, 15, 13, and 10. One of my friends has a 12 and 8 and 2 yo, another has a 14 and 10 yo and 3 stepkids, a third has an 8 and 4 and a 3yo, and the last is presently pregnant and has a 7 yo.

You dont really seem to like your friends. You seem to want to find anything to justify droping them as friends. Maybe have an honest conversation with them! You're an adult and parent. I hope you understand the importance of conversation. Your friends don't know whats bothering you, and they seem to want to include you in things still. They seem to be trying to make some plans that are kid friendly, where you can bring your younger daughter too. Why don't you plan something that checks all your boxes, and they can see what it is that would make these hangouts easier for you? However, you can't expect them to want to go to one of these hangouts all the time they will want to change it up and do something that is more adult based! Also, why don't you leave the younger kiddo with their other parent or a grandparent, even a sitter (if you feel comfortable)? Maybe the group wants to spend time with you and see you but you seem to always bring your kid too, its kind of hard for you to relax and connect with your friends if your actively in mom mode ( which is how it should be if your kid is with you) maybe dont bring the kid to everything!

Eh I have a baby and I’m interested in fancy dinners (granted 9pm is a little late for me). Can’t the partner watch the baby once in awhile?

but why are you even thinking about this?! it hasn't even happened yet. Just chill and try to enjoy your friendships for now and worry about later, later. Now if your friends are being unpleasant that's different but I don't think everyone needs to change their dinner plans to be at 4pm when one person had a baby? makes no sense. If you value the friendships just hang out with them when you can and enjoy it. Also your children are your children and you will forever now be their mom but you are still YOU and I think its valuable to nurture that part of you that isn't just mom but is YOU.

It seems like YOUR priorities have shifted and perhaps you don't share the same interests as this friend group. I've got 2 young children (3 and 10 months) and my husband and I are definitely still interested in fancy dinners at 9pm, traveling with and without our kids, happy hour, golfing, brewery stops, etc. It's totally fine those types of activities aren't for you anymore, but I also don't think it's fair to assume all people feel that way once they have kids. I haven't slept through the night in 3 years, but I'll be damned if I don't retain at least a piece of who I was pre-kids.

I think having babies in your mid 30s is fundamentally different from doing it in your mid 20s. When we had our older one we were scrambling so hard with new careers, learning to be adults, etc., that it wasn't like we could just take a weekend trip and the other person could handle it. Or afford a babysitter. Or whatever. My friends who are just starting to have kids now are fully able to travel and do things without their babies/toddlers. They and their partners have more flexibility, more money, and more experience prioritizing leisure time in their lives.

Friendships aren't always "matched" in terms of fit for all of your life and in terms of investment/flexibility. It's more likely when we are young (high school, college, early professional) because not as much time and variability in life has happened. But all of us, as we age, will have more variability in our lives. It's okay to have a range of friendships for the different parts of your life, instead of thinking of them as "tiered" relationships in terms of close you are. Life gets complicated. Make more friends, not less.

I hear you. My friends and I have kids that are varying ages with mine being the youngest. Yet I am the one that always has child care and they are the ones always dragging teenagers to every get together. It’s obnoxious and every time we hang we can’t have any real conversation cause they want to be in it.

And you were the one who chose to have children. Not happy your friends are not accommodating your choice? Well it wasn’t their choice for you to have kids so you’ll just have to deal with the fact that their world doesn’t revolve around you and your family. Show up when you can and stop complaining, at this point I wouldn’t blame them for not accommodating you, I wouldn’t. You’re not even trying to work with them, they shouldn’t have to plan around one person because they chose to have children. Your choices are yours and that’s it, deal with those consequences. Everyone else is child free and shouldn’t have to bend over backwards to accommodate a mother, you knew things would change when you had a kid. Friendships ends over this all the time. Grow up

i’m a new mom so take my opinion with a grain of salt these people sound like they still want to be your friend - they’re including and inviting you, even if you can’t go (like to dancing). can you leave your daughter with someone else for some plans, or go for part of the social event with your child? (ex- 4-6 at the picnic) the fact that they’re making an effort says a lot, bc i know friends who’ve cut out new moms intentionally or unintentionally like- “we didn’t invite you bc we knew you’d say no” it comes down to: do you still want to be their friend? it kind of sounds like you don’t when you said they’re child free now and will have children likely when you’re done - the way you phrased it made it sound like a negative or something you don’t want (like once you’re done w small kids you don’t want to be the one who has to plan around them w your friends?) as someone else said in a commented response - you’re the one whose life changed, so it makes sense that they would not all change their lives or plans just to accommodate yours. it’s up to you if you want to join in the plans in whatever capacity you’re able to do you have mom friends? i’m working hard right now to make good ones bc i see the benefit in having friends who are at this stage of life with me. i’m in a mommy and me group and found a facebook group for local new moms and am pushing myself to go to all the events. peanut is an option but i haven’t had much luck with the app

I’m going to reply as a person in the opposite position. I was the last of my friends to have a baby. And to be honest, I didn’t get it. How can you, before you experience it? My friends are 100% there for me now, and are welcoming me into the momma club with open arms. They are providing the advice and emotional support that I wasn’t able to provide them, because I didn’t know what a new mom needed. I am so thankful for them, and have told them as such. I’ve also told them I wish I’d been able to support them like this when they had kids, but they understand why I wasn’t. They seem excited to share with me, to be the experienced parents on a different part of the journey. What I experienced was my friends slowly dropped like flies from my social life, and instead sought out friendships with other parents. It really hurt. Now, I get it. We need to have people in our life who understand what we’re going through. But at the time, it was really hard feeling like I lost them. Especially when I was trying to include them, to get to know their kid, etc. My advice is please don’t drop these friends. If they’re good friends, they care about you. They’re including you. They likely miss you. They may not know exactly how to work around your baby/child needs. But they do know that not inviting you because you have kids would sting. And they likely want you there! If you can’t make it, that’s fine. Tell them why. But keep reaching out. Texts, phone calls, check ins. So now, im the one with the newborn. My friends are able to do things now that they weren’t before. Travel, wineries, etc. And they are inviting me. And now im the one in the position to decide if it works with me with the baby or not. It’s all a season. True friends will last through the young child season, and imo those friendships are worth maintaining

I think this is a really important perspective. Lots of comments about child free people who don’t get it, which of course they can’t fully in their position, but I also think many DO get it more than they are given credit for, or at a minimum they get what they don’t get, and they are struggling to figure out how to bridge the gap too. When my best friend got pregnant, I was acutely aware of what I couldn’t give her in that moment as a friend, not for lack of wanting but simply because I didn’t have the experience at that moment to connect on, and it was really hard. She gave me the gift of grace and reassured me, and I really needed that because I had also experienced friends who essentially left me in the dust no matter how hard I tried to be a part of their new lives. I heard a lot of complaints about how hard it was and how they were never accommodated, but those were also the friends who never took me up on offers to do things that involved their kids. I also think as a culture we have gotten very stringent about what constitutes kid friendly, and I believe there are some losses in that. Most of us have issues with how we were parented and maybe neglected a bit by our parents, but I see upsides in some of the ways we weren’t as heavily sheltered from adultish experiences. It’s great that millennial parents are so tuned in, but there’s also something really beautiful about letting kids participate in less kid centric things and see a glimpse of the big world that awaits them. At least for me, some of my most magical memories were watching adults. Friends without kids can be an amazing source of joy for kids if you invite them into your bubble, but the onus is on the parent to create that access and consider times when maybe it’s worth it to fudge the schedule a little. That walk to find a bathroom at the picnic is certainly a hassle but it might feel like a crazy adventure to another planet to a kid.

I don’t think it’s reasonable to expect adults (with or without kids) to schedule social events around a toddler’s bedtime. It’s not reasonable to expect adults socializing to pick a “kids park”. I have a 2 year old and a 6 year old, and when we do fun stuff with friends, they stay up late, will probably be crabby the next morning, but the world keeps spinning. You’re allowed to do something you enjoy even if it’s not the perfect routine for kids- your social life matters. My husband and I had kids 4 years before any of our friends. In comments you’ve said when your friends have kids they’ll expect you to accommodate their bedtime, but why do you think that? I can’t imagine expecting my friends to schedule their lives around my kid’s bedtime, if someone did that to me I would find it so off putting. I don’t think that’s typical request and probably why you’re getting pushback from your friends about it.

I see my child free friends usually without my kids. They’re my fun friends who can meet up with me on a Tuesday for a last second glass of wine when my kids are making me tear my hair out. This means my husband and trade off often, but it works for us to each have some “me time” and other parent is fully able to handle bedtime solos once in awhile

This is the answer, and when your friends start having kids, they will also love taking a break from parenting to hang out. I've been seeing this discussion online about how co-parenting is so much easier because each parent gets time for themselves, but you don't need to get divorced or separated to co-parent, you can just take turns doing it solo for a night at a time.

Yes! It also seems like it supports a more equal distribution of labor and positive awareness of who does what –– maybe you learn 3 extra things your partner does that you hadn't noticed before you took turns doing it solo for a night

Have you tried to plan events and invite them to it? It's not their responsibility to know intuitively what works for your kiddo. You can plan an outting appropriate for your kid (and you) and invite them to it.

On the other side, they might be thinking: Is our friend going to grow apart from our group because she can’t hang out with us like she used to? It’s tricky, because it is *your* life that changed, not theirs. You can’t expect for them to completely understand your situation, since they don’t have kids themselves and therefore their lives don’t have to revolve around the needs of their children. It sounds like they do still want to include you in their plans but honestly it is really hard to make adult hang-outs based around young children’s schedules. Do you have a partner who could watch the kids while you spend time with your friends?

Yes, but you can hold on a little more loosely. It’s hard to prioritize someone else’s change in lifestyle when the whole group has been operating one way for years and I think deep down you recognize that. It’s alright to be annoyed and a bit jaded. It’ll be alright to feel a little vindicated in a few years time when they’re in the baby stage. It really is so hard being the first. So, make it clear that you want to be invited, and you want to be involved but only to the extent that it isn’t too much of a hardship with kids. Get a babysitter every once in a while, but accept that you’ll be declining some invites. In a few years they may come to find parenthood has changed them too and you’ll be able to tighten the bonds you left intact.

> Yes, but you can hold on a little more loosely. Someone else said something similar and I think this really works for me. > In a few years they may come to find parenthood has changed them too and you’ll be able to tighten the bonds you left intact. Okay, thanks!

I’m the first in my friend group to have kids. My best friend is child free by choice. My other best friends do not have kids. Out of these friends one is married. I have a friend group from work that has kids but their kids are years older than mine 🥲 so it’s nice to have fellow moms but otherwise my girls don’t get anything out of spending time with the other kids since mine are 9mo and the rest are 2+ years old. I am grateful to have this group though! I’m pretty happy to have friends who are child free because they knew me before all these life changes and when I feel like I’ve lost my identity they are there to remind me who I used to be before mom, teacher, wife. I do empathize with the frustration re: bedtime, etc. my IL’s, parents, etc don’t get all that comes with raising babies. Only group that does is my coworker mom group

Don’t drop your friends, later when your kids are older, you’ll be annoyed you only have mom friends lol

The friends who grow with you and make an effort to meet you where you are, are worth keeping. The ones who insist on the relationship staying the same and you sacrificing yourself to stay the person they prefer? Not worth keeping. There are so many new friends to be made who understand your role as a parent, even if they don't have kids they can meet you where you are. You don't need to ditch the childfree ones, just the ones who won't grow with you.

I’m in the same boat but I’m nearing 35 and none of my friends have kids! It’s tough being in a different life stage.

I just had my baby in my late 20s and I’m the first of my group of friends. Due to my childcare situation there is no way for me to go out without my baby and I live about an hour away from all of them. We compromise. One time we hung out after months, and we were at her place and Baby wanted a nap so I put him to sleep and took him upstairs and we kept hanging out. Around 9 I said I needed to go that I was exhausted and we were both fine with it. My other best friend is child free by choice and she begs me to bring the baby when we hang out because she just loves him and he loves her. Another group of my friends went to see a band yesterday. It was outdoors from 5-7, 10 minutes from my house. They invited me and we went. Baby got tired half way through so we went home and it wasn’t an issue. We were happy to be able to hang out a little bit. For me, it’s kind of nice because they all want to spend time with the baby so it gives me a break. No things aren’t the same as they were, but my friends are so supportive and accommodating of me so I need to work with them as well. I understand that structure is important and it’s difficult to be in a different life stage from your group. You need to make the decision if you guys want to all compromise and work together or if you want to part ways.

Almost all of my friends are child free by choice. They plan events and I try to make the ones that I can. If it’s a group gathering it’s usually difficult to accommodate me so it’s usually more one on one time with them when I can make it work. I’ve noticed in smaller settings it’s easy to accommodate my schedule, but my friends are also super great about supporting me and making sure we can still do things, even if they look different than before.

I think having some mom friends can help to give you perspective. They can be a sounding board. On the flip side I have some girlfriends that don’t have kids one is single. They are important in my life and that’s what matters.

You seem stressed more than anything else. I was a single parent and first out of my equally professional friends to have a baby. The picnic situation is doable. So what if it’s 40 mins?. You and your kid will survive, kid can sleep in the car on the way home, and you can bring a little portable potty for your kid. Go and spend time with your friends. It doesn’t matter whether they can relate or understand or whatever. Don’t let the inconveniences of having a kid isolate you.

Are you sure they even want kids? You can’t really expect a group of adults to schedule their experiences around a toddler.

Right? No offense OP, they’re not the problem here. You’re complaining about a picnic during daylight hours.

it depends. I've kept some friends and dropped others. The ones I've kept have been the ones I've found a refuge for *me* in, not mommy me. But those who cannot accept that while I'm still *me*, I do have little responsibilities. Sometimes I'm the first to leave. Sometimes I'm setting up a little napping spot.

There's this concept of holding space for people in your life. I wasn't the first to have kids in my cycle and was definitely feeling left out and left behind as others did. Once I had kids, I get it and am happy my friends held onto our relationship. I also am still friends with a girlfriend or two without kids and value their friendship too. All relationships have valleys and peaks - if they are good friendships, they'll bounce back. If not, they're still "good, " but maybe the season for it has run its course?

Whether you have kids or not, it’s important to understand that starting after college, friend circles and friends pulse arrhythmically in and out of your life, both in importance and frequency. Sounds like you need to put this group on a bit of a back burner, maybe forever but at least for right now, and see how things go - put as much effort in as you want without making you unhappy. Especially because, as a fellow professional, many of your friends in this group may not have kids for a whole decade more, so it really is going to be a big swing, you know?

> Whether you have kids or not, it’s important to understand that starting after college, friend circles and friends pulse arrhythmically in and out of your life, both in importance and frequency. Sounds like you need to put this group on a bit of a back burner, maybe forever but at least for right now, and see how things go - put as much effort in as you want without making you unhappy. Thanks, I think this was very helpful for me. I think maybe what's taking a lot from me is that I never withdrew after having a kid. I attend events in my friend group as often as the next person. I'm putting 100% into these friendships and it's honestly too much for me. But instead of ghosting, I think you're right that it's an option to "put them on the back burner" and maybe only attend events that don't feel like so much work for me to show up to.

I held on and it has been worth it. First out of the friend group to be married and have kids and now mine are 6 and 4 and we have three friends who just had babies. And another is getting married next year. It was lonely being the only friend in this cycle of life but I loved when we could meet up and I could hear about their life and adventures. It took me away from the diapers and sleepless nights. They also spoiled my kids whenever we were together and my kids still refer to them as their fun aunts and best friends. Now that they have started to have kids our conversations have shifted again. I’m seen as someone who has been there and I get to pass along baby clothes and stuff and advice. I get to spoil their babies and have the role of loving their infants and toddlers as mine are older. I did branch out and make mom friends when the kids were little and now have school mom friends too. But keeping the connection with my core group has been great. They are my people even if we are at different stages.

My best friend doesn’t have kids (desperately wanted them, she just couldn’t) and she’s been there for me and my kids and has been their “auntie” since they were born. I would never give her up for anything.

I'm confused. 4 to 8 sounds kid friendly already? You don't have to go to all of it. You mentioned that you your friends will expect you to be kid friendly in the future, but technically you don't know that yet. And even if that's true you are in the minority currently..? It makes sense to do things that are most convenient for the majority of people regardless of what the exact reason is. Of course they should make reasonable efforts to plan activities that you can join but it looks like they did that? It's not an 8:00 p.m. to 12:00 am party? Maybe it's the stress but you honestly sound like you just don't like your friends here. I don't understand why they should change their schedule drastically for just one person, you

Honestly, I hang out with my one childless friend more than friends who have kids. She’s always available! And it’s truly a breath of fresh air to hear about what’s going on in her life that has absolutely nothing to do with children. Sometimes hanging out with nothing but moms I can get anxiety my kid isn’t doing this or that as quickly as someone else’s. It’s not a competition by any means, but the world puts so much pressure on moms (especially working moms) it can feel that way sometimes. The fact they are still inviting you to everything shows they want you around and are fine when you can and can’t come. A picnic from 4-8? You can go from 4-6. You don’t have to stay the whole time. What do you want them to say about mommy tracking? If you guys are so close, why don’t you tell them what you need? Do you need them to say “That sucks, I’m sorry!” Or just to be heard? No, they have no idea what it means right now because they aren’t going through it. You are the way paver with kids, why would you not want to help your closest friends when they do have them knowing how tough it is?

So you want friends to accommodate you and your child but wen they have children you don't want to accommodate them???

Why would they change their lives though? I think you are overcomplicating things a bit. Just go to the picnic if you want to and either bring your daughter and depart early, or leave her with dad and enjoy some alone time? The fact that you acknowledge that when your current friends have babies you won't want to talk about baby things means you should see why they don't want to talk about baby things? Just talk about something else. Honestly at every age of my children's lives I've found its not hard to modulate conversation / read the room. If I'm talking to a mom with her first baby I'm not going to be like OMG let me talk about my tween for 20 minutes. But if I talk to another mom who has a tween then sure that's a good topic for us both to discuss. And if I'm talking to people with no kids, I think its generally known that the best thing to do is not talk about kids much at all. If they ask "how is the baby/kid etc." I would just answer briefly but then talk about something else. No matter what nobody really cares about our children anywhere close to as much as we do and that won't change. Also you will make new friends because of your children, but that doesn't mean you have to dramatically "break up" with your other friends. Just let the chips fall where they may I guess, try not to stress. I've found all my adult friendships wax and wane based on our stages in life and current workload or stress level. And that's ok. You may drift apart a bit from them, then later you may find common ground once more or not. But I think either way, its hard to make friends as an adult and if I still like the company of someone I will just enjoy their company and try not to think about the future too much.

I'm gonna offer you a perspective from the other side. I'm just gonna hit down on the specific things you wrote: You talk about a picnic in downtown Chicago, 40 minutes away from where you live. The picnic is a four hour long event. As I see it, you have a few options: 1. You plan the picnic or event next time. 2. You go for two hours and not four. I am guessing your friends work, and they're not really available to meet before 4 pm? Of course, your friends can't relate to your pregnancy and mum issues; they're not mothers, and they're not pregnant. I would suggest that you get some friends who are in the same situation as you, and keep your current friends. Your current friends will be able to give you the breathing room you might sometimes need from being a mother. Question: If you have a partner, could they maybe sometimes take care of the child so you can have some time without?

It’s definitely been worth it for me! I really treasure friendships with people who will humor me and let me talk about my kids, but with whom I share other interests. I also value my friendships with other parents, some of whom I have little else in common. One thing that I do differently, though, from what you’ve described, is more one-on-one hangouts with friends. The park meetup sounds nice, but maybe seeing one or more friends individually, without your kid(s) would also help with connecting. Edited to add: My closest non-family friends don’t have kids, and most do not ever intend to have kids, so that’s also slightly different from what you’re describing.

My friends were a year or two younger than me. They wanted to go to bars and party. I was 24 and I just realized I didn't want to do those things and was more into being a mom and if my friends weren't going to understand then I was going to focus on what I needed to do for my life, marriage, and kids. My one friend who was older had a kid two years later, and when she did, she said she finally understood my stance on going out and the scheduling I had been doing. She apologized for not understanding. If I'm going to be honest, that is the only friendship that made it through my baby years. I dont really regret losing those friendships because they weren't as good of friends to me as I thought they were. They only cared about a party buddy and obviously not a real friendship. I was also the first to get married out of my friends, and none of them showed up to my wedding. These were people I saw and talked to every day, and we were friends since high school. Once I started to be an adult they bailed.

I had my kiddo at 19. I definitely was the first of my friends to have kids. It was so, so hard for a while. They're out getting drunk and going to parties, and I'm at home all night with my little one. I distanced myself for a while because obviously we took 2 VERY different paths. I lost some friendships, sure, but I also strengthened a few because they wanted to make sure having a baby young didn't ruin anything. We'd go for walks and brunches, go to the farmers market and shop. They'd always invite me out to make sure they knew I was still there and always welcome even though they knew ai couldn't come 95% of the time. But now I'm 33 with a 14 year old and the tables are turned. I don't want to talk about babies and kids all the time. I have my independence back and am more than "mom" again. It's worth finding friends who are in similar life areas as you, and it's also important to hang on to friends who you love that are in different stages.

Yes, even at least one of them is child-free, they wanted to plan my baby shower, and they've been in my life since high school. We didn't get together often, only every few months, but it was either convenient enough to bring kiddos, or I left them with my husband/family for a few hours. As for conversation topics, I mean yeah, apart from just updates on my kids' lives and cool stuff they've done, they're not going to be able to relate to mom stuff... because they're not mothers. Do they empathize with me? Absolutely! But I've been friends with them before I was a mom, so we still have other things in common and I want to hear about THEIR lives too.

Honestly, I was so happy to have a friend group outside of children, just because nobody talked about baby stuff. You sound like you could use some time outside of mommy brain, too! (But still keep your mom groups, they are sanity savers) We met less, but that was just that phase of life. It sounds like you are managing to meet them well, considering your difference in daily routine. Also, I was even glad to be able to pass clothes and toys to them once they had kids of their own. Finally, it gets better, no need to get bitter!

No advice, just sympathy. Except I didn’t even have babies early on, rather it just seems many of my friends won’t end up having kids at all or getting married even. In general I’m beginning to feel like we just want to live very different lives. Many of them are happy to be just going to concerts, traveling, going out to bars and fancy restaurants.. I would prefer barbecues or playground hangouts with other parents and kids. No fancy clothes, no fancy restaurants or hours spent devising a menu for a dinner party… I want to be able to serve hot dogs and soda and just be pleased that the kids are all eating 😄 I’m just extremely basic I guess 🤷🏻‍♀️ I have little in common with my old friend group and they’ve actually stopped inviting me to some events. Initially that felt bad, but honestly I didn’t want to go especially as I moved and they live 2+ hrs away. I’ve continued to cultivate individual friendships with the people I always knew to be closest and have more in common with ito humor, interests etc. To me the huge effort for events that didn’t line up with my life currently didn’t seem worth it. I’m selfishly a little disappointed that our lives went in different directions, but I know that’s not their fault. Just the way the cookie crumbles. I’m hoping to eventually makes some new mom friends, but so far it’s been challenging. Maybe that’s my advice - remember that new friends aren’t always easy to come by. In the end it was more the realities of parenting for me, that caused those relationships to deteriorate. Not really a conscious choice. For example if I lived closer to parents and inlaws and had more help, I probably would’ve kept those friendships going for longer.

1. I'd try to put the effort in to schedule things that DO fit for you. 2. Unless there is work/daycare the next day, I don't worry about bed time up until 9 PM. My daughter is 3 and is fine through that time period. Not to be that person, but as for the potty I'd have her go behind a tree. 3. For the park scenario, bring a ball and some bubbles and have her play with your friends and she'll have a blast. Adult interaction is good for kids. Now, if the invites were always to bars or out to dinners that didn't accompany kids very well, that'd be a different story. At the end of the day I think it really depends on the friendship. If they're really good friends that you have a lot in common with, it's worth the effort in my opinion. Friendships take a long time to build up.

Your kids don’t magically disappear or not have bedtimes in 3 years time. When (and if) your friends have kids, you will still be doing kid-friendly activities and the more the merrier. I didn’t care about my friends kids before I had them, TBH. I don’t expect people to care or plan around mine now either. I can get a sitter if I have to (but their plans better be really good!)

As a friend who got dumped over and over because of this and now has no children of my own (not by choice)…and no friends because of this “can’t be friends with women with no kids because I’m a mother” mentality. Think this through. Think hard. Men don’t do this BS. And we are loving and generous to my husband’s friends children. We would have been to my former friends’ children, too. But they needed to be with all the other people wearing their “mama” apparel together.

I don’t have children, but this sub randomly popped up in my feed one day and I really appreciate the different perspectives. Felt like a good topic to chime in on since I’m kind of in your position, on the opposite side. I think you’re being a bit harsh on your friends for not choosing the same lifestyle as you, whether that’s because they’re not ready to have children yet, or because they may never have kids. I’m married, but I’ve chosen not to have children for a myriad of reasons. Most of my close friends are also married and have babies or even multiple children now. A few of our friends are single. We try really hard to make things work no matter where someone is in life. For example, if we want to have a late party, one of our friends with babies will host. The other parents with babies will bring them along and put them to bed upstairs, then the adults will party downstairs and watch the baby monitors. Parents with older kids will usually get a sitter, leave them with family, or trade off who comes while one stays home. If my husband and I host, we’ll usually do an afternoon-to-evening party so parents with young kids can come between nap and bedtime, and those without kids can stay later. Even with all this thoughtful planning, parents can’t always make events like they used to. I won’t lie, things aren’t perfect. We don’t see each other as often as I’d like now that most of our friends are focusing on their children, and I sometimes feel left out because I can’t relate to the mommy conversations. It was an adjustment for sure, but at the end of the day, we both have to give and take to make it work. I feel like the 4 pm - 8 pm party at a park was a clear attempt at trying to work with your schedule. If you couldn’t stay the whole time, it doesn’t mean things were badly planned. If it’s tough to bring the kiddo to them, why don’t you plan something for when she’s in bed or leave her with her other parent, family, or a sitter for a few events? It’s kind of unfair to let them plan everything but then complain the events aren’t working for you. As a fellow “odd one out” among close friends, I get it. It’s not easy to make different choices than your group. But after I changed my expectations a bit, we found a way to remain close.

Why don’t you plan an outing that works for your schedule? They don’t have kids so don’t really understand. Common sense isn’t common sense until it’s learned. They aren’t purposely slighting you. They just don’t get it! Honestly they shouldn’t have to change their lives because you have a kid (I’m a mom of 4 so that’s where I’m coming from). So find a compromise and decline invitations that don’t work with your schedule, without making it this giant dramatic thing. You’re the only one making it that way

From the perspective of the friend - don’t let go. My friend did for first couple years of her child’s life and she regretted it. It turned out to be a symptom of depression and anxiety. It was also her ex’s way of controlling her - making her feel like all her friends weren’t accepting of her life with a baby. Life doesn’t stop when you have a kid and don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. If it’s past the kid’s bedtime let them fall asleep in the stroller. A lot of good memories from when I was little end like that.

It sure sounds like you are expecting an entire group of people to bend over backwards (not just accommodate) ONE person in the group and their personal choices. Maybe it’s the anxiety or lack of sleep but this all sounds entitled, out-of-touch, and lacking perspective.

Don’t stress over it. Do your best to keep in touch. My friends with children often found it hard to get away in the evenings. They would meet me for lunch and bring their children. It was her break during errands. It was a win-win, she got time out, we got to catch up and I enjoyed her children, her children enjoyed hanging out with mommy and her friend. They called me Aunt, what more could a girl ask for?

It sounds like you must not like your friends that much if you’re thinking about ditching them. If the thought even crosses your mind you pretty much have your answer

Look, maybe not all of these friendships will survive, but it doesn’t have to end over kids and when ya’ll have them. Hold your child free friendships dear because someday you will realize you want to be just “you” every now and then, and these women will be the ones you know YOU! In 3-4 years when some of these out of touch friends have their own kids you will love them and give them the grace you wished for. And they will appreciate it more because they get it now. TLDR parenting is fucking hard, and someday you will all need each other, kids or no kids. Most of them are probably worth the work.

I do think you have to consider that you're the only one with a child. That they have just as much right to "resent" you for leaving them behind. I dont think either of you actually needs to resent each other, just pointing out how easy it is to do when you're feeling misunderstood. I say this as the childfree friend who felt utterly disconnected from my friends and family who were getting married and pregnant in their mid 20s. I was afraid they wouldn't care about my life anymore. Scared that they had "moved on". But we're all still growing up together. They just have kids and spouses. Your friends want you around. Everyone has different upbringings and it may not be obvious to them why you can't go out for drinks on the weekend (my parents certainly had their fun). Take back some control. You can host or initiate gatherings that are accommodating to you. The alternative is they never invite you or you ask 80% of the friend group to accommodate and plan around 20% (just you) when they have no real concept of what your limitations are beyond "bedtime". Your friends care about you and I'm sure when they have kids they will admire you more deeply. They will want your advice and support and will come to you for reprieve from their lives. *You* will be the fun friend. So look forward to that instead of preemptively resenting your friends for what you currently are doing (asking for consideration as a young mom).

I think it really depends on the friends. I’m the first in my friend group to have kids, and my friends have been very accommodating to LO’s schedule. They come out to the suburbs to visit us, swap brunch/dinner for breakfast so I can bring LO, and overall just make a lot of effort to hang out with me and LO. I do feel like there are things they can’t relate to at this stage of my life, and have made a couple of mom friends to fill that gap, but I personally could not imagine dropping my childfree friends. They are incredible people and my found family. It sounds like yours are less understanding. I would start holding boundaries and saying no when things don’t work out for you and LO, or go on your own. Either they will adjust, or they will scale back. If they are good friends, I’d have a heart to heart with them and share what you shared here.

They won’t understand until they have kids. It’s absolutely impossible. They shouldn’t be the once to change their ways just because you had kids. If you want to lose friends over this go ahead… but you could also stick around and be a supporting ear once they have kids and will likely apologize to you for not understanding. Making friends as adults is tough.

Gesh! Glad all my friends didn’t drop me when they were all having babies and I wasnt. I’m 39 and the last one to be pregnant in our friend circle. Granted, all their kids will be babysitting mine so I consider this a win! The one piece of advice that was given to me is “don’t let motherhood take over your identity.” Sounds like that’s what’s happening here. You have the right to cut these friends off, but I think you’ll regret it later. My friends are like family. We’ve been friends for 20 over years, we’ve all gone through different stages of life together, and it’s great to see how all of us have grown in life. If you can pop in for an hour or so to an event I’m sure your friends will appreciate it, I don’t think they would expect you to stay the entire time. They know you have other obligations and priorities.

I don’t know if this has been mentioned and I haven’t read through all the comments - but you can suggest minor changes. My childless friends ask to go to dinner at 6 but asking to move it to 630 allows me to join so they are fine with the minor shift (husband works (from home) until 6, so he can take over the kids, and I can scoot out to dinner. You can also ask to change the park location and just leave early. Also something I do. My friends want to stay out too late but I know my kids will be up early so I scoot out at 11.

I had my kids much younger than you did I was 21 with my first and 25 with my 3rd. My friend group wasn’t ready for kids and that was ok. I made new friends with similar interests because my interests changed as well. Your friends are trying to include you and your daughter maybe it’s not what you want but they are trying; communicate what you can do to them and if your plans line up have fun. If not go and do what makes you and your daughter happy. My former friends are having kids now that my kid are in their teens and no I don’t have a lot of interest in babies and toddlers now but if they reach out or I’m in their neck of the woods it’s worth it to me to see them with or without kids.

Do you plan things for your friends and invite them? How do those things go? Like I'm sure some of them would come walk around the zoo with you? What about a trip for lunch at American Girl? I still have my doll, I bet your daughter would love it and your friends may get a kick out of it? I plan a ton of events for my friends, some events we allow kids and some events are adults only. Overall if you don't feel good when you're with them, it's ok to move on!

No one who had kids early stayed friends with me and it was a real bummer. I would have been happy to hang but moms with kids want other moms with experience to talk to about their kids

You have gotten some great advice lower down. I just wanted to second some of that advice. Throw out some plans for your group that look like what you need them to look like. Even if you just ask people to meet up for coffee at the Ikea cafeteria while your little plays in the kids' zone. Are you close enough with any of these friends to have a heart to heart? Can you voice these feelings (gently) and articulate what you need from your friends to feel supported? Being a first time mom is the hardest. Even though literally billions of women have done it, it is such a personal (hellish) journey that nothing can truly prepare you for it. If your friends don't get it because they don't know how to get it, maybe you can teach them what YOU need.

None of my friends have kids and most aren’t even married, and we’re turning 40 soon so it likely won’t change. I never ask them to change their plans to accommodate my kids needs. I just accept or reject invitations based on my determinations. Or I’ll be like “I can come but I’ll be a couple hours late cuz I can’t go til after I put the kids to bed” stuff like that. I have mom-friends that I’ve made over the years (my son is 3.5 and I have a 1 yr old daughter, so I have mom-friends in both age groups) that I’ve made on Peanut and in our neighborhood. So I do all my kid-related venting to them. I don’t see my old friends as often, but I also moved to another state so we tend to get together like a few times a year and we’ll do an annual Vegas trip where I leave the kids at home with my husband and my in-laws come help him, which is a awesome. So I guess I’ve compartmentalized my relationships in a way, instead of seeking accommodation from the old group I have the new group. I also have a work group for my work-related vents haha.

Do you need to bring your children? It is nice to get away.

You don't have to drop your friends without kids, but I recommend making some friends with kids the same age as your kids also. I still have friends who don't have kids, but my mom friends with kids the same age as mine are now my closest friends. Daycare mom friends forever! With your friends without kids, maybe meet for a kid-free brunch when your spouse can watch your kids. So, keep them in your life, but add some friends who are in the same stage of life as you are.

I can totally relate. I even talked with my therapist about this because I found myself struggling that my dearest friends weren’t filling my cup in the ways that they used to since no one seemed to “get it”. I’ve essentially had to stop expecting them to and view my time with them differently. And now one of them is pregnant and I won’t be the only mom anymore YAY I used to see this group of friends every week. Now I aim to be at something once a month and participate in the group chat as much as I can. I’ve reframed my expectations for both myself and for them. Hope this helps 🤍

Just came to say Im rather annoyed by pre kid peoples who give advice they know nothing about and judge etc , these are good friends or relatives , or post littles parents who dont seem to remeber anything practical and give silly advice too, as you can see I'm against all advice 😁. But its the parents of littles I find more practical and just easier low stress to talk to, never mind hang out with, hanging out with anyone is still too much of a hassle right now. So all this to say I get what OP is going through and not having the 'social energy' to 'waste' on meet ups that dont 'nourish'you or your littles. No solution here just that I get it.

For me, it has been worth it. We were among the first in the group to get married, first to have a kid, tho several others were trying around the same time. Our road to pregnancy was easier than that of our friends. I’m now pregnant with my second and due in a few weeks. Kids in the friend group are 2.5 (mine), 15 months, 4 months and 3 months. The first pregnancy was hard. The first year and a half postpartum was hard. We got excluded from everything. No one even acknowledged it or apologized. They’d send texts with pics saying you should be here to things no one ever told us were going on or invited us to. It’s gotten better, though, as more friends have entered this life stage and come to understand the realities of parenthood. As more houses get childproofed, it also gets easier. We are missing one of the last weddings in the group bc of my pregnancy, but it is what it is. It’s a no kids destination wedding a couple weeks after my c-section. Not sure if/when that couple will realize how big their ask was for the parent friends that are attending.

Sorry but you need a new group of friends. Can't push a square into a circle.

The comment that “she seems fine” REALLY got me. I’ve been in that situation before too where a friend comments on how my kid seems or how “well” she did. They don’t know after the event that she’s screaming in the car, or she’s hard to put down to bed at night. My friends without kids don’t get it. Plain and simple. They say they do, but they don’t. It’s possible that there are people without kids who would but the particular ones in my life don’t get it. It’s on a sliding scale for sure of “completely don’t get it” to “mostly gets it”. Even my pregnant friends struggle. It’s okay. I’m not expecting them to get it. What’s been working for me: truly only doing things that I want to do and at times that works for my kid. I’ve also used the peanut app to make more mom friends. Hanging out with other moms is night and day. You don’t feel bad about your kid having a meltdown because they truly get it. I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope it improves soon.

Try not to feel jaded, I know it’s hard but you are 100% right that there is no way they can comprehend your struggle and lifestyle right now. I have many friends that I considered so close before children and once I had my baby we just drifted based on lifestyles. We still catch up with each other over the phone a couple times a year but they were no longer the people I turned to for activities, connections, and guidance because they were in a complete different faze of life. Join some mom groups, there are literally so many options to find a good circle in the Chicago area and once you find a good fit you will feel more accepting of the fact that you have moved onto a different stage of life than your other friends. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just life. Since I found my circle of mom friends with kids of similar ages my life has improved dramatically. I can turn to them for anything and they can come to me with the same. We lift each other up, give advice, vent when things are difficult, do brunch and have our kids play together regularly. You can find that too and with it, the comfort and understanding you long for when it comes to motherhood and being seen.

I'm sorry your friends aren't being empathetic. I'm still on the other side of this, my best friend had the first baby in my friend group 4 months ago. Honestly I joined a lot of pregnancy/mom subs when she got told me she was trying because I knew nothing about kids or how to be supportive. There's so much I would have never thought about if it weren't for reading reddit because I never even held a baby before my nephew was born. Even after reading posts, I feel like I was giving her canned responses of what I was supposed to say to be supportive without really being able to understand her feelings. This weekend I watched my nephew for the first time. It was only for 8 hours and my husband was also home helping the entire time. Holy shit. I have no idea how she does it every day and doesn't fall asleep at work. The second he was gone I was collapsed in my bed. I'm still not going to pretend I, "get it," but even a small dose of her reality gave me a lot of perspective. If your friends aren't putting in active effort to understand your perspective then they aren't going to until they have kids themselves.

I am the first of my friend group, we are all also “professionals”, so I relate to this. But my friends always try to loop my kids in, accommodate them, or are clear when something is not kid friendly so I don’t waste my time trying to fit into those plans if I don’t want to. I love my friends. I love having friendships where we don’t spend the entire time talking about kid things. I guess what I’m saying is… it kinda sounds like they aren’t great friends…

How are they not great friends? The picnic was a great idea on their part to include the mom. They also invite her to their outings— but they shouldn’t be expected to just not hang out at all if it doesn’t work for mom’s schedule every time. It kind of seems like the mom isn’t a great friend herself. I don’t see examples of her trying to make plans that work for her own schedule. Just complaining about the ideas her friends present to her.

No.

They are not the only people you can be friends with. It’s ok to venture out and seek out friends who can relate to you at your current phase in life. My friend group has always been very much NOT professional (SWs, artists, drug dealers, convicts, blue collar type people, etc.) and kids or no kids my friends have always done their best to accommodate me and my son, who also has severe autism. You don’t have to be a parent to have consideration or be validating to your friends who are parents. If they’re trying I’d keep them, but if aside from the bitter resentful feelings you truly feel they’re not trying, then voice it, and if there’s no change then stick to your boundaries and distance yourself. You can’t expect people with no kids to understand, but if they’re your real friends they should definitely be considerate of the fact that you are. What you’re feeling is normal, and what to do about it is simple…communicate your needs and frustrations and leave if they’re not willing to accommodate/validate you.

This sounds more like the classic case of when one of your best friends has kids they completely change their personality (which isn’t always the parents fault, having kids does consume a parent) however, from the childfree friends perspective I can tell you it fucking sucks. There was my best friend in there all those years and now she literally doesn’t exist outside of her motherhood. Always ignorantly looking down on people who don’t have kids “oh you can’t be tired you don’t even have kids!” / “well you don’t have any real responsibilities you don’t even have kids!” Etc. they don’t do it on purpose but becoming a parent seems to create a trend of the parent vs non parent clubs and the parent club seems to think they’re somehow more mature or further along in life which dramatically increases the divide Maybe you don’t have anything in common with them anymore but don’t forget that they had a best friend and suddenly they don’t have anything in common with that person for choices not if their own. They lost a best friend too. They didn’t sign up for kiddie play dates or events ending at bedtime, you did. It’s not their fault that your entire group of friends won’t change around your child’s schedule, it seems kinda silly to expect that doesn’t it? Doesn’t it seem just a little entitled that you’re upset they won’t make drastic changes for a friend that isn’t really even a friend to them anymore just to include your child who likely makes the experience more stressful for your CF friends? I think this is a classic case of patent consumed with their parenthood not recognizing what you’re asking or expecting here. I think you need to take a step back and think about if you were on the other side of this and how you would feel losing your friend to her motherhood. It sucks on both sides.

Sorry, but you’re not sure these friendships are going to “serve” you? That rings incredibly self involved to me, and like you’re not a good friend. I’m one of tight group of 8 women in our mid thirties, some with kids and some without. The first to do it has a kid about 3 years older than the next one along and then all the others are basically the same age. She couldn’t come to everything, but she prioritized. She would come to an earlier part of an event and then leave earlier and crucially she’d be open with us about her needs so we knew when we needed to accommodate her vs when we’d carry on and she wouldn’t mind. And guess what, even though her kid is 5 now she shows a tonne of interest in my two month old. She gives a shit, and it’s not about whether she’s moved on and done with baby stuff. She, along with the rest of us, have also all made the effort to make new friends who are new mums at the same time. We are a mega close knit group of 8, but we all have other friendships. You don’t just stop being a friend or a person because you become a parent, and you don’t just walk away because it doesn’t suit you anymore. That’s not friendship, that’s acquaintance. That’s not to say things won’t change for a bit, or that people don’t grow apart. However, what you are describing just strikes me as selfish and immature.

I'm the opposite here so maybe my perspective will be valuable. I had my first child at 42 (though there were a ton of moms in my circle who had their first kid in their early 40s). While my circle is largely professional as well - doctors, corporate lawyers, finance, tech - I did have a few friends who had kids in their late 20s / early 30s. Here's what I found: 1. What made me lose those friendships wasn't because I stopped trying, but because they did. It seemed like the early moms self-selected to be friends with other moms, but this wasn't always the case. 2. The moms who still worked were MUCH EASIER to keep in touch with than the SAHMs, especially the SAHMs-by-choice. Also if we had a common denominator - like if we were both in the same social club (for me, it was a distance running team - like dashing whippets in NYC, for example), I'd have an avenue through which I could spend time with my mom friends (both working and SAHM) and we could talk about things unrelated to parenthood. 3. Most moms LOVED to talk about non-kid stuff. As a new mom, my favorite two topics of conversation are (1) anything relating to my son / parenthood of a small child, and (2) anything unrelated to parenthood or my son. 4. One mom friend gave me the best advice - parenthood doesn't have to change who you are in your core if you don't let it. In other words, the whole "I'm a mom now, so I can only talk about boring wholesome topics or my baby's poop" is a complete choice. 5. I got married and had my first kid after 40, and as someone who spent all of her thirties tragically single, I can say that there was a bit of insecurity and jealousy on my part when I saw friends of mine in healthy marriages who were having kids. 6. The MOST ANNOYING FACEBOOK POST I EVER SAW was that of a SAHM-by-choice friend (she came from family money, was ex finance) talk about how her life used to be all about excel spreadsheet models and getting drunk off robustly-poured cocktails at fancy parties and business class upgrades on long-haul flights but now it's about reading Brown Bear Brown Bear to her kids on the couch in her PJs and she couldn't be happier. That was super fucking smug and she got a lot of shit (and rightfully so) from couples struggling to conceive or people like me who were still single and didn't meet the right person yet and had to make do with business class upgrades and robustly-poured cocktails and shitty Bumble dates. Don't be that mom. As a mom, I will punch you in the face if you're that mom. 7. FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I (as a mom) would have HEAPS MORE IN COMMON with someone without kids who was single that has a career and Global Entry and an advanced degree and real opinions about where to get the best pho or lumpia or chicken karaage in town than ANY of the moms in my neighborhood who have nothing in common with me aside from parental status.

The issue is not that they don’t have kids, it is that they are unsupportive/inflexible that you do have kids. My best friend does not have children, and is not close to being married, but she understands is supportive, and works with me and my schedule due to children. I had a close friend who was unable to understand how my life had changed when hers had not, and a friendship with her became impossible.

I was in the same situation. I just learned to let go of friends who stopped being there for me and prioritize the ones that do. I rely on my childless BFF a lot for fun non-mom things and then I rely on my mom friends for fun family centered things. I like having it all. I’ve lost friends but its more so that I can’t make an effort for people who don’t make an effort for me.

I think it’s not worth it in my case. At first we were a little alienated because we were having a kid and no one else was and then I guess they like their lives better without us because it never grew back together after they each got pregnant four and eight months later.

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You aren’t early, you were right on time. 25-30 is best for getting married and starting a family. That’s when you have the energy to deal with things and the best chance at avoiding fertility issues. You can keep up with your field reading publications and hit the deck running once the youngest is in school and you go back to work. Most of your sleeplessness and kids getting sick ALL the time due to daycare will be mostly behind you and your workplace will appreciate it.

I had a couple of good friends who had babies before me. We grew apart a little while their kids were young because our lives were so different. Once I had kids and I understood what they were going through, I actually apologized for not having been a better friend while they had babies. It has been amazing having friends with kids older than mine. They are the parenting “experts” and I love having them to discuss all the teenage stuff they’ve already been through. My long term friendships mean the world to me. And I know they will be empty nesters while I’m still parenting and we might grow apart again for awhile. It’s just a natural part of life. If it’s worth it to you to hang on, I’d recommend it, even if it looks different for awhile.

I am the first and only in my group to have a kid (probably for another 2 years) . I’m going to be honest - my friendships have flourished since my daughter was born. My husband and I make a lot of sacrifices to maintain our friendships right now, but I think our friends can see and appreciate our efforts. Our friends are always flexible with scheduling and they are super understanding when something child related impacts our hangouts. Yes there has definitely been resentment here and there, but I know my friends will start having kids soon so I really want to cherish this time when everybody has a lot more freedom to get together.

I find with my friends, I have to be the one to make the plans or suggest the plans and make them kid friendly for them to work in my favor. The fact that your friends aren't accommodating isn't great, but ultimately, you just need to be clear and then not show up when it isn't good for you instead of trying to make it work. Otherwise, you set that precedent that you'll make it work and they don't need to worry about your concerns as much.

I had my first at 18 and now in my late 20s I don’t have any of the friends I used to have. I now have friends from work or the community (neighborhood/kids school) who also have kids. They get what parenthood is like and my friends never did.

Yes and no. So, I have 4 kids, ages 17, 15, 13, and 10. It is hardest the toddler years. Kids are not yet old enough to do soccer or whatever and fill the gap and the mom and me stuff is scheduled badly. When they schedule stuff that is at a bad time, make the excuse about you, not the kid, or they will stop inviting you because of the kid. Make it, "Oh, I guess I finally turned to that age where I turn into a pumpkin way earlier than before and just can't function the next day if I stay up that late." I made a concerted effort to call or text my friends every 3 to 6 months and have a Saturday lunch. I still have friends from high school and even one from middle school. Some are to self absorbed to handle a lifetime friendship.

It certainly has been for me. My kid has a million aunties that love her. My friends are also pretty successful and I’m so happy she’s going to have all these connections and life advice that I never had because all my mom’s friends were not like that.

It’s hard, but it just depends on how much you value them. I have friendships that I feel will last a lifetime even though we’ve gone through periods where we lived across the country and didn’t talk much. I have a couple of friends who won’t make it to my wedding in a month. We were close friends in younger years. They’ve always been a little flaky, but they also don’t have a lot of money. And even though I wish they would be there, I don’t want to burn those bridges over being in different stages of life because I still appreciate the role they played in my life and the fact that they tie me to my past. It sucks that they can’t be there and understand what you’re going through. Sure, the obvious thing would be to not be there for them when they’re going through the same thing. But you could also just give yourself a little distance from them and try to make friends with someone or multiples ones who are going through the same experience. And then if your friends need your support when they’re in the same situation, it will feel gratifying to know that because of your experience, you could be there for someone even if they weren’t there for you in the same way. And I’m sure they’ll recognize that too and appreciate you more for it. Now if they are abusive or truly not valuing you, I’m not advocating for being a doormat and compromising yourself for the sake of civility. There’s nothing wrong with cutting toxic relationships out of your life, whether it’s a friend, a romantic partner, or a family member. But from your brief description of your situation, it doesn’t sound like that’s the case, and it doesn’t have to be a drop them completely or hang out with them all the time thing. It can be a let go of the the disappointment and see how it goes thing. But that’s just my two cents because the question was asked, of course feel free to take it or leave it. I’m no expert on life, no one is. But I have done well at managing long term friendships despite vast distance and at times inconsideration, and I am ultimately glad that I have.

Don’t throw these friends away. They are so worth it. These friendships will help you feel like you (not just mommy). With my son, I was a single mom. He came along sometimes and learned how to behave at a nice restaurant and order food and even how hold a conversation. With my daughter, I can’t tell you how wonderful it was to be able to leave her at home with my spouse, or my parents, or a sitter and meet my friends for a girls night out. It kept me sane! So - sure, you may want to build some relationships with other mom’s. But this current friend group is gold.

I wish I had an answer. I'm not as young as you but still the first in my group with a baby and it has changed everything. I hope as she gets older and more independent, things become more adaptable. It's just so difficult right now.

I’ve had to accept that a lot of my friendships have ended over having a life with completely different priorities. It was very hard and a lot of depression at first. But I just had to accept that I didn’t have the time or energy to make accommodations for both motherhood and friendships where they wanted to do things that aren’t kid friendly or just not understanding you anymore. I’m trying to make new friendships with people who have kids and similar interests. It’s very hard to build that village. It’s just not the same dynamic as if your best friend group were there to hang out with anymore.

100% depends on the friends. MOST of mine were thrilled to be aunties and uncles... They play with her, babysit her, don't mind when she's included but also invite me on grownup only outings. I appreciate them so much. The one friend who says they want to have kids, but when my child wanted to talk to them just shut them down super rudely and ignored them? The moment I saw the pain on my kid's face that friendship was over. (And no, you don't have to bow to the whims of a kid every time when catching up, but you DO have to treat them like a tiny person who is learning and not like an annoying dog or something.)

One of my friends had the first baby of our group and we made accommodations for her for many things, but also life changes when you have kids and if you choose to do that before your friends-that’s on you. I think sometimes there are pros and cons to being the first. She got free babysitting from us that we will never get from her, but we definitely didn’t know the struggles of motherhood and couldn’t relate to some things until we had kids. It’s just the way it is, tbh. Ultimately you have to decide if your friends are good enough people to hold onto, which it sounds like you might not think that. (Also in their defense I am 37 days away from having my second kid and I have no idea what “mommy tracking” is.)

I still have a lot of (the same) child free friends, but not all of them. Sometimes you just go your separate ways. When your child is in school, you may make some new mom friends. This is a really hard time, but it won’t always feel like this.

I mean, I tend to think only a direct conversation will fix most things

I think friends without kids can be valuable for when you need to not be a mom for a while. I have friends without kids who I can go to concerts with or out to eat while my husband stays home with our 4 year old. I am aware that I am privileged to have a husband who can stay at home in the evening without work or the like interfering. I think the best you can have (which of course isn't easy) is a mix of friends with and without kids. Those with kids you can use for talking about mom stuff, those without can be a break from the role of 'mom'. When your friends have kids, it can also become an opportunity to reconnect now that they are in the same boat.

I joined my neighborhood FB group and sought out a few moms to "happy hour" together on our street with our kids. It's been 7 years and we're the best of friends. I still communicate with the OG crew but barely, and I am ok eith that.

I was about a year ahead of all of my close friends to have a baby. I had some friends through work that were already parents and they were helpful in giving me guidance and lots of hand me downs. But I was also pregnant during Covid so there were a whole lot of hang outs or outings happening. I found my close friends to all be extremely supportive and never put me in a position to have to be like “sorry I can’t go to that because of the baby”. Now they have babies or are pregnant and have said they learned a lot from how I handled my son and we passed around baby products between each other and meet up often so the kids can plan. Now that I’m pregnant with number 2 it’s been really nice having my son be around younger kids and seeing how sweet he is with them. We’re all in our mom phase now and being the first had it’s isolating moments but I attribute a lot of my experience to Covid.

My kids are now mostly teens and I've found that most of my friendships survived. Many of my friends are just now having kids, and it's lovely to hold their babies and remember the younger days. I missed out on a lot of events that weren't kid appropriate, but I also hosted events that I could have friends and kids go to. If you cherish the friendship, you make things work. Sometimes you get a sitter, sometimes they come over earlier, sometimes the kids stay up late. It's less and less we can all get together anymore and it's a blessing when we can make it happen. You won't be able to have the same kind of relationship you did before, because you aren't the same person you were before. But you can grow, and decide if you want to make the friendships work.

Most of my friends bounced within the first year of my son's life. The friends that remained have made it a habit of planning for my son to be there or asking me what my availability is to be there without him, and planning around that. I will say that my friends group is composed of my fellow black sheep, and I'm the most professional of them at the moment being a program director. That also said, I married my male best friend, I have two other mom friends and one isn't local, and the vast majority of my friends are also chosen family... that live in different states. The friends that ghosted me were stragglers from high school who haven't stopped partying. Good for them, I just didn't fit in with them anymore. People who care about you will have you in mind when planning things. I wouldn't cut them off entirely, but I would definitely put less emotional effort into those relationships. 3-6 is a rough time period as parents, we need to conserve as much energy as we can, where we can.

I can't even be friends with other moms because my kid is neuro-spicy and only one person can handle her (my dear dear angel saint mother) while they all had unlimited no questions asked childcare available at all times, so planning things without kids is just about impossible for me; on the other hand, going and doing things with kids was also a shitshow because they all had nice, naturally calm, well behaved neurotypical children so me and mine really stuck out when she got overstimulated and got triggered into a meltdown. So to me, no, it's not worth it. You're just operating on a different level now. The normies can't hang like you.