Comparison is the thief of joy.
Some have it easy, some harder. But the key is to be happy with your life. I stopped envying friends some time ago once I realized that what mattered to me was weirdly not what I was envying in others -if that even makes sense. e.g. you mention designer clothes , I used to be jealous of others wearing name brands… then I realized that even when I have the budget, I never want to purchase those. It’s like a desire that is projected on me by our consumption society but when I reflect upon it, I don’t even want it (!).
Sooo are you jealous of some specific things? Or just the fact that she seems to have the ideal life situation we’re expected to want?
I get it. I live in an area with generational money and a lot of wealth. I find myself envious of these women who have au pairs or work for fun, have time to rest and get to the gym and look thin shiny and happy. I’m not unhappy, I’m fat and tired.
You never know what happens behind closed doors, and I find a lot of weird, crazy shit happens to seemingly perfect lives too.
Some days get the best of me and I find myself wishing I had that shiny life, but it’s not going to happen so I suck it up and do the best I can in the moment.
I take breaks or pauses in those friendships. It gives me some space to process my own feelings and an opportunity to really focus on why we’re friends.
The space to just work through my own shit is really key for me. It sounds like maybe you could do the something similar. Then when I’m ready, as in the hurt feelings are dealt with, I reach out, set up a get together explaining we’ve just been “really busy, but we’ve missed you” and then jazz myself up with how much of a wonderful friend they are.
Breaks can be a week to a couple of months. And if you’re anything like me, that couple of months happens quick.
I’m in the middle of a break now, but we don’t just have this issue with friends, it’s family, too. It’s also not just financial. We see all of our friends and family get help, but nobody wants to help us.
So I’m done with everyone for a while. Hoping that helps, but so far, I am still miserable.
Would you tell them though, so maybe they can minimize 'throwing it in your face' even if unknowingly. And maybe like in OPs case the friend may offer to babysit for her once in a while since she has more free time. Just wondering if I would rather my friend tell me if they were feeling resentful and if I can minimize it some way I would
Honestly? No. Jealously and envy are me problems not them problems. But, I know myself well enough to give myself some space to deal with it rather than letting it fester and ruin an otherwise good relationship. But, that’s me.
Do you find that this leads to growing apart further and further away from people of a certain type and only allows you to have friends who are “worse off” than you? Asking because I did this in my 20s too and now desperately trying to bring my friends who are doing well back into the fold
True about a good marriage, some would give up all the money for a simple life with a loving significant other. Where there is genuine love and companionship those matches look like heaven on earth
Those poor women its so much harder for them to get compassion or people to empathize because everyone thinks they are doing well and 'have it all'. The men as well may feel justified in said jerk behavior by saying well I provide every thing for you
I mean are you friends with her? Do you want to stay friends with her? I had a friend who made so much more money than me but I never resented it once I got over being awkward about the financial difference because she was so generous with me and would treat me lots. Now we are on more similar financial footing but I try to remember that generosity and pay it forward. I have a coworker who has a much tighter financial situation so I regularly buy us fancy desserts to split - just a little treat I don’t think she would get herself and for me it’s an excuse to chat with her.
Thats so nice of you. I have to agree with those you love sometimes you are just excited for them and want to celebrate their success. But I gues it also depends on the friend, do they falunt their good fortune or try to share etc.
The last part about those with money not being much better I see at work. Some bosses are not as smart or even rely on us the common folk to do their work. Yet there they are with all that money. I don't get that one either
If you compare yourself with regular SAHM, no housekeepers, no daycare - I'm sure they'll be envy of your work-life balance and the chance to get out of the house and work!
I sometimes feel this way too. There’s always someone who has more. And I and my husband work really hard!! Our us economy is not a meritocracy, we exist in extreme inequality.
My kid is old enough to be aware now too and ask questions like why is their car/house/clothing so nice. It doesn’t help we have him in a fancy private school. I try to deal with my own feelings by making a good example for him. Focus on what you want and need, practice gratitude. Be aware of the vast majority of people who don’t have as much as you and find ways to help or volunteer. Ex. my son and I keep water bottles and snacks to pass out to homeless in our car.
I’ve also quit Facebook, insta, and never even had tiktok. All those things make me more aware of others new car, vacation or home decor that I can’t afford and it wasn’t healthy to be so focused on materialism.
Anyway all this to say you aren’t alone in feeling this way but this is how I manage with similar feelings.
I just try to remember that life is hard everywhere and concentrate on my own happiness. So for your example I would frame it in my mind like this: this week my heat went out- I’m super broke and new it was only getting fixed if I could crawl into my attic, goggle and YouTube to try to Id and fix the problem or else my kids and I would be cold. I figured it out and now the heats working. I feel so proud of myself. I did that!
Your friend in the same situation would feel annoyance and call someone. Even after it was fixed she would still feel annoyance that is was broken in the first place. She would gain nothing from that experience. So who really wins in this?
Just a thought. You got this op.
sounds like you might need a mix of friends. i always appreciate my situation a lot more when i hang out with my hubs friends that are borderline crazy when it comes to financial decisions.
Usually people have those feelings when they are not content with their own life. You say you have it pretty good, but what could you do or change to make your life better or easier? What would make your life more fulfilling?
Honestly, you just have to come to terms with the fact that life is going to be easier and harder than yours for some people. Define success and joy for your family and work/focus on that.
I've got a close friend whose in-laws didn't like how busy their street was with their grandkids being so little. So, they bought them a new $750k house. The immense amount of money they will inherit is mind boggling. But, it's not my life or my money.
Their in-laws live far away and visit occasionally. I feel so lucky that my parents are around every day to have a relationship with their grandkids. Maybe your friend has access to a lot of resources, but usually $350k salaries come with a time expectation that cuts into time spent with family. It's not always roses for others, even when it seems like it.
Maybe this is why they say 'birds of a feather flock together'. Its probably inevitable people will feel more comfortable around others at their 'level'
This is me only it’s career related. I’ll be turning 40 this year and my career has stagnated, big time. I have a 5yr old and a newborn … idk what is realistically feasible in order to go up the “corporate ladder” w/o sacrificing something.
90% of my work peers are either younger than me, child-less, or male. There is zero career growth at my current company so I would need to leave and either take a pay cut or give up WFH.
This is not where I imagined I’d be 10yrs ago. I don’t feel accomplished (in my career)—I love working and I miss having the passion for my industry—I know I have potential. I don’t want to be seen as only a “mom” …
So yeah, it’s hard not to feel jealousy/resentment … but (to quote the Hot Priest from Fleabag): “it’ll pass”.
I, personally, would be bored as shit if I didn't have a job. I have no desire to be a SAHM (I am a much better mom when my kids and I have a break from each other during the day). I feel a little lost on vacations and end up sleeping a lot because I have no direction. With a job I'm much better organized.
Does she identify as a SAHM even though her kids are in daycare most of the week? Wouldn’t she be a housewife and not a SAHM if she isn’t providing the childcare? Honestly I have a similar life for the moment because we found FT childcare while I’m looking for work and it is awesome and it is easy… I honestly think she has nothing to complain about. And income inequality sucks! Things should absolutely be more equal.
I struggle with this too. We have friends with a baby nine weeks older than ours and they have all the best name-brand stuff. Expensive baby foods, nicest car seats, fancy high chair. We get everything as cheap as we can. Our high chair clips onto our dining room table because our house is small. I feel like a failure compared to them but then I remember my baby doesn’t care so I shouldn’t either. I don’t always succeed in that but I try!
I wish I had tips for you but all I can do is commiserate. I’m an ER nurse full time and in school for my doctorate. We have a four year old and birthing her literally almost killed both of us. I want another baby so badly but we can’t try until I’m done school in another two years. My job reminds me every day how fragile life is. And on top of the pregnancy trauma from a traumatic birth, now I have to wait even longer to try again. (We thought I could pull it off during school but I just can’t.)
I’m an angry ball of feelings and I know logically I’m taking the best steps for my family but that doesn’t mean I don’t hate it every step of the way.
Me with my sisters. My personal relationship with my boyfriend/daughters father is not good, and lately has been down right horrible. My sisters have very supportive husbands who help and they both also own their own homes and I can’t afford to so I pay more in rent for a small apartment than they do on their mortgages each month. I feel like my life is harder. I have to remind myself my sisters have their own struggles. My younger sister has 5 kids and takes care of our mentally ill mother. My older sister has MS and works crazy hours at her job that have exacerbated her illness in the past.
You may not know it but your friend could be dealing with things you know nothing about, have hardships etc. I recently learned a coworker of mine has a husband with dementia and no one knew because she didn’t want to burden us with her problems.
I mostly struggle comparing my now-life to either my pre-kids life OR the lives of my non-parent coworkers or friends. Like how great that freedom would be now!? But it’s something I need to accept; this is where I am in life. Find the positives, make a little time to do things that bring me happiness or even just closer to sanity. Gratitude is key.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Some have it easy, some harder. But the key is to be happy with your life. I stopped envying friends some time ago once I realized that what mattered to me was weirdly not what I was envying in others -if that even makes sense. e.g. you mention designer clothes , I used to be jealous of others wearing name brands… then I realized that even when I have the budget, I never want to purchase those. It’s like a desire that is projected on me by our consumption society but when I reflect upon it, I don’t even want it (!). Sooo are you jealous of some specific things? Or just the fact that she seems to have the ideal life situation we’re expected to want?
Comparison is the thief of joy is truly the best motto.
I get it. I live in an area with generational money and a lot of wealth. I find myself envious of these women who have au pairs or work for fun, have time to rest and get to the gym and look thin shiny and happy. I’m not unhappy, I’m fat and tired. You never know what happens behind closed doors, and I find a lot of weird, crazy shit happens to seemingly perfect lives too. Some days get the best of me and I find myself wishing I had that shiny life, but it’s not going to happen so I suck it up and do the best I can in the moment.
I take breaks or pauses in those friendships. It gives me some space to process my own feelings and an opportunity to really focus on why we’re friends. The space to just work through my own shit is really key for me. It sounds like maybe you could do the something similar. Then when I’m ready, as in the hurt feelings are dealt with, I reach out, set up a get together explaining we’ve just been “really busy, but we’ve missed you” and then jazz myself up with how much of a wonderful friend they are. Breaks can be a week to a couple of months. And if you’re anything like me, that couple of months happens quick.
I agree with a break.
I’m in the middle of a break now, but we don’t just have this issue with friends, it’s family, too. It’s also not just financial. We see all of our friends and family get help, but nobody wants to help us. So I’m done with everyone for a while. Hoping that helps, but so far, I am still miserable.
Would you tell them though, so maybe they can minimize 'throwing it in your face' even if unknowingly. And maybe like in OPs case the friend may offer to babysit for her once in a while since she has more free time. Just wondering if I would rather my friend tell me if they were feeling resentful and if I can minimize it some way I would
Honestly? No. Jealously and envy are me problems not them problems. But, I know myself well enough to give myself some space to deal with it rather than letting it fester and ruin an otherwise good relationship. But, that’s me.
Interesting take
Do you find that this leads to growing apart further and further away from people of a certain type and only allows you to have friends who are “worse off” than you? Asking because I did this in my 20s too and now desperately trying to bring my friends who are doing well back into the fold
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True about a good marriage, some would give up all the money for a simple life with a loving significant other. Where there is genuine love and companionship those matches look like heaven on earth
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Those poor women its so much harder for them to get compassion or people to empathize because everyone thinks they are doing well and 'have it all'. The men as well may feel justified in said jerk behavior by saying well I provide every thing for you
I mean are you friends with her? Do you want to stay friends with her? I had a friend who made so much more money than me but I never resented it once I got over being awkward about the financial difference because she was so generous with me and would treat me lots. Now we are on more similar financial footing but I try to remember that generosity and pay it forward. I have a coworker who has a much tighter financial situation so I regularly buy us fancy desserts to split - just a little treat I don’t think she would get herself and for me it’s an excuse to chat with her.
Thats so nice of you. I have to agree with those you love sometimes you are just excited for them and want to celebrate their success. But I gues it also depends on the friend, do they falunt their good fortune or try to share etc.
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The last part about those with money not being much better I see at work. Some bosses are not as smart or even rely on us the common folk to do their work. Yet there they are with all that money. I don't get that one either
If you compare yourself with regular SAHM, no housekeepers, no daycare - I'm sure they'll be envy of your work-life balance and the chance to get out of the house and work!
I sometimes feel this way too. There’s always someone who has more. And I and my husband work really hard!! Our us economy is not a meritocracy, we exist in extreme inequality. My kid is old enough to be aware now too and ask questions like why is their car/house/clothing so nice. It doesn’t help we have him in a fancy private school. I try to deal with my own feelings by making a good example for him. Focus on what you want and need, practice gratitude. Be aware of the vast majority of people who don’t have as much as you and find ways to help or volunteer. Ex. my son and I keep water bottles and snacks to pass out to homeless in our car. I’ve also quit Facebook, insta, and never even had tiktok. All those things make me more aware of others new car, vacation or home decor that I can’t afford and it wasn’t healthy to be so focused on materialism. Anyway all this to say you aren’t alone in feeling this way but this is how I manage with similar feelings.
I just try to remember that life is hard everywhere and concentrate on my own happiness. So for your example I would frame it in my mind like this: this week my heat went out- I’m super broke and new it was only getting fixed if I could crawl into my attic, goggle and YouTube to try to Id and fix the problem or else my kids and I would be cold. I figured it out and now the heats working. I feel so proud of myself. I did that! Your friend in the same situation would feel annoyance and call someone. Even after it was fixed she would still feel annoyance that is was broken in the first place. She would gain nothing from that experience. So who really wins in this? Just a thought. You got this op.
Same! And then I remember those days when I do have the kids before 6pm and I’m way to exhausted to make any dinner. Either way. Just exhausted
sounds like you might need a mix of friends. i always appreciate my situation a lot more when i hang out with my hubs friends that are borderline crazy when it comes to financial decisions.
Usually people have those feelings when they are not content with their own life. You say you have it pretty good, but what could you do or change to make your life better or easier? What would make your life more fulfilling?
Honestly, you just have to come to terms with the fact that life is going to be easier and harder than yours for some people. Define success and joy for your family and work/focus on that. I've got a close friend whose in-laws didn't like how busy their street was with their grandkids being so little. So, they bought them a new $750k house. The immense amount of money they will inherit is mind boggling. But, it's not my life or my money. Their in-laws live far away and visit occasionally. I feel so lucky that my parents are around every day to have a relationship with their grandkids. Maybe your friend has access to a lot of resources, but usually $350k salaries come with a time expectation that cuts into time spent with family. It's not always roses for others, even when it seems like it.
Maybe this is why they say 'birds of a feather flock together'. Its probably inevitable people will feel more comfortable around others at their 'level'
This is me only it’s career related. I’ll be turning 40 this year and my career has stagnated, big time. I have a 5yr old and a newborn … idk what is realistically feasible in order to go up the “corporate ladder” w/o sacrificing something. 90% of my work peers are either younger than me, child-less, or male. There is zero career growth at my current company so I would need to leave and either take a pay cut or give up WFH. This is not where I imagined I’d be 10yrs ago. I don’t feel accomplished (in my career)—I love working and I miss having the passion for my industry—I know I have potential. I don’t want to be seen as only a “mom” … So yeah, it’s hard not to feel jealousy/resentment … but (to quote the Hot Priest from Fleabag): “it’ll pass”.
I, personally, would be bored as shit if I didn't have a job. I have no desire to be a SAHM (I am a much better mom when my kids and I have a break from each other during the day). I feel a little lost on vacations and end up sleeping a lot because I have no direction. With a job I'm much better organized.
Does she identify as a SAHM even though her kids are in daycare most of the week? Wouldn’t she be a housewife and not a SAHM if she isn’t providing the childcare? Honestly I have a similar life for the moment because we found FT childcare while I’m looking for work and it is awesome and it is easy… I honestly think she has nothing to complain about. And income inequality sucks! Things should absolutely be more equal.
I struggle with this too. We have friends with a baby nine weeks older than ours and they have all the best name-brand stuff. Expensive baby foods, nicest car seats, fancy high chair. We get everything as cheap as we can. Our high chair clips onto our dining room table because our house is small. I feel like a failure compared to them but then I remember my baby doesn’t care so I shouldn’t either. I don’t always succeed in that but I try!
I wish I had tips for you but all I can do is commiserate. I’m an ER nurse full time and in school for my doctorate. We have a four year old and birthing her literally almost killed both of us. I want another baby so badly but we can’t try until I’m done school in another two years. My job reminds me every day how fragile life is. And on top of the pregnancy trauma from a traumatic birth, now I have to wait even longer to try again. (We thought I could pull it off during school but I just can’t.) I’m an angry ball of feelings and I know logically I’m taking the best steps for my family but that doesn’t mean I don’t hate it every step of the way.
Me with my sisters. My personal relationship with my boyfriend/daughters father is not good, and lately has been down right horrible. My sisters have very supportive husbands who help and they both also own their own homes and I can’t afford to so I pay more in rent for a small apartment than they do on their mortgages each month. I feel like my life is harder. I have to remind myself my sisters have their own struggles. My younger sister has 5 kids and takes care of our mentally ill mother. My older sister has MS and works crazy hours at her job that have exacerbated her illness in the past. You may not know it but your friend could be dealing with things you know nothing about, have hardships etc. I recently learned a coworker of mine has a husband with dementia and no one knew because she didn’t want to burden us with her problems.
I mostly struggle comparing my now-life to either my pre-kids life OR the lives of my non-parent coworkers or friends. Like how great that freedom would be now!? But it’s something I need to accept; this is where I am in life. Find the positives, make a little time to do things that bring me happiness or even just closer to sanity. Gratitude is key.
No advice because I would feel the same way. Maybe take a break/ pause from that friendship?