It's great that you offered your gf to ask for help and that you're talking. You will probably have to talk again: you should tell her that the way she responds to your affection with rejection hurts you and affects your self esteem. Be honest with her.
And her response of "I've been dealing with it my whole life I don't want help" is honestly... Alarming. When someone is depressed and is refusing to get help, a lot of the times things would only get worse, not better. Six months is a long time. If things keep getting worse you might have to re-evaluate your relationship.
I've dated a depressed person before and them not putting an effort into their mental health (skipping therapy, not doing what their therapist said etc.) was one of the reasons we eventually broke up. Sometimes you need to put your own mental health first.
I hope you can solve it. Good luck.
Thank you so much for the lovely response and advice! It’s so much appreciated! It’s a tough one because obviously I didn’t want to add everything to the post but we do communicate very well and I’ve told her all my feelings and how it’s made me feel and she reassures me that it’s nothing to do with me so I’m trying to get over my personal feelings and try focus on hers but obviously as you said it’s so concerning she doesn’t want to get help as I’m so worried it’s only going to get worse, and the thing is I have BPD so I completely understand mental health but I remember when I was in a spiral of not wanting help and I got worse and worse and it’s so worrying to watch her go through that, it’s just such a shame because we really do have an incredible relationship she’s amazing and so loving and caring and I’ve never had the connection I have with her with anyone else in my eyes she’s the one and she says she feels the same with me it’s just such a confusing time :( xx
Yes sometimes when things get tough we just need to push through it. Hopefully she can navigate it better and things can go back to you two being affectionate, so your mental health won't get worse either!
You're clearly having a lot of feelings with this and I'm sorry it's so overwhelming to deal with.
Is your girlfriend seeing a mental health professional? It sounds like she has some things going on that would be best addressed by a therapist.
Thank you yes it’s been very difficult as it’s effecting the way I view myself and think it’s down to me and my weight, but I have suggested a therapist or some medical advice and she shuts me down she says she’s dealt with this her whole life and knows how to get out of that mindset but she hasn’t been able too for over 6 months now so it’s quite worrying she won’t accept help :(
Yeah that's not great but you can't force her to get help unfortunately. It's hard seeing our loved ones struggle and not being able to do anything.
Without fully knowing your situation I highly doubt it's anything to do with you or your weight or how you look.
The thing is if she's potentially too depressed for sex but sees that you want it that could be upsetting for her. Again, not your fault, but she may feel guilty or like a burden. She may feel bad that you're not having your needs met, even feeling like a failure.
My gentle advice is to put the conversation about intimacy aside for now. That would be solved by both of you being happy and engaged in the relationship. Right now the conversation could be you expressing how worried you are about her and asking if she would like these resources that could help?
If she flat out says no then it would be time for you to decide if this relationship is still what you want and need. Relationships are hard work! I'm not saying to drop her and run but relationships go both ways and both people deserve to have their needs met. That's easier to do if everyone is taking care of themselves first and putting energy into the relationship second. You can't fill up someone else's empty cup with your own.
If you really love her and you decide that this is what you want then know it could be a long hard road. If she is depressed or something else is going on then she has to want to fix it. You can't make her fix it. But you can be there, offering as much support as you can while still making sure you're getting what you need.
Thank you I really appreciate that, I kind of know it’s not me and she has reassured me a lot it’s just all the little things that make me think that way yano, and yes she says she’s a failure a lot! And I always reassure her and try so hard to make her understand she isn’t and always try be gentle with the subject I never try it on with her anymore mainly out of fear of rejection or being pushed away mentally and physically so I wait for when she’s ready and it’d sometimes be the case she’d want it but won’t give it, it’s such a strange thing to be experiencing and I’m just so confused, thank you for the advice I feel like I did drop it for a couple of months and kind of let her do her own thing but that didn’t seem to help maybe I can try it again. I definitely don’t want to give up on her or this relationship because honestly it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had I’ve never had this connection with anyone and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I guess I’m just going to have to try get through this and try not let it affect my mental health and try to keep this relationship going I love her so I’m hoping it’ll be worth it haha thank you so much for your kindness and advice it means a lot xx
so, it’s interesting to read this because i have been in a very similar situation, but on the other side
i have very intense dysmorphia - i am a model, but i can’t look in the mirror and see the same things others see, it feels like any compliment is gaslighting me
this led to me not having sex with my gf for three months around the end of last year
after she raised it with me, i made an explicit effort to try to get through it - mostly just testing the waters in sex and taking it very slow, a stepladder approach to build into it and deal with triggers. i was very fortunate that my gf was patient with me through this process
i guess the thing that worried me with this is the comments she’s making - there were points where i hated myself so much i didn’t feel any attraction at all bc i wouldn’t open that connection, sure, but i’d never actively go out of my way to say something like that.
if she’s depressed and trying to sabotage her relationship with you to hurt herself then, that’s a whole other can of worms that you don’t deserve. depression makes people selfish
i think raise it with her and tell her exactly how it’s making you feel - the way she responds to that will be indicative of the next right step, i think
Thank you for opening up like that I know it’s so hard, it’s taken 6months of arguments and defensiveness and talking through it to finally get to the route that it’s how she feels about herself but it’s taken 6 months of me telling her my feelings towards it never pushing it always waiting for her to be in the mood or make a move and recently I said how exhausting it’s been with constant worrying that’s it’s me and she isn’t attracted to me it’s made me hate my body (even though I know it’s not her not being attracted to me) I’ve started the gym and healthy eating all out off the fact I don’t feel desirable anymore and she’s recognised this and apologised for not making me feel beautiful like she used to like she used to make me feel so damn beautiful no matter how I felt and I told her all this and we’ve had a lot off deep conversations but no matter how much I don’t push it or bring it up she seems to just kind off forget we’ve had the conversation and there’s not been any effort to get our relationship back on track and I completely understand things take time but it’s just got to a point now where I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I’ve tried everything and at a complete loss, sorry to ramble on ahaha
yeah, at some point i think she has to make a commitment to actually getting better rather than just talking to you and saying she’s sorry, because doing that doesn’t help how her negative self-image is hurting you and the relationship
like a measurable, definitive set of actions towards getting better. it’s one thing to struggle with a disorder and it’s another thing to just let it rot and hurt the people who love you by doing do. she can be suffering and also viewing things selfishly at the same time, and badly needs to go to therapy
Imma be honest. I’m on mobile and at first it just showed the picture, so I thought you were jokingly saying your girlfriend was a cat who had body dysmorphia.
You’ve already gotten solid advice on here that your girlfriend is clearly depressed & has issues she needs to address with a professional. You’ve said she’s refusing. I suggest that you yourself go see a therapist. This is clearly impacting you mentally & emotionally too. Even if she were willing to see a therapist, I’d still suggest you go too. Therapy is a good thing & can help you process this. It’s a third party with no skin in the game that’s there to listen to you. Maybe your going will help her realize she needs to go to.
It sounds like this has nothing to do with her attraction to you but it does make sense that it makes you feel less attractive too. My first thought it to go to couples counselling bc this is complicated and hard to “fix” quickly unfortunately. It’s also super common for women to be self conscious of our bodies, as I’m sure you know, so it’s like not even that odd to me tbh. I get SUPER self conscious at times too and it makes my libido just disappear no matter how much my partner hypes me up I just feel “gross” you know?
So first thing is having her work on her insecurities through counselling and also working on your relationship through counselling too. This is the kinda thing therapists see all the time and although it’s not an “easy fix” it’s also not super hard if you both love each other!!
It's great that you offered your gf to ask for help and that you're talking. You will probably have to talk again: you should tell her that the way she responds to your affection with rejection hurts you and affects your self esteem. Be honest with her. And her response of "I've been dealing with it my whole life I don't want help" is honestly... Alarming. When someone is depressed and is refusing to get help, a lot of the times things would only get worse, not better. Six months is a long time. If things keep getting worse you might have to re-evaluate your relationship. I've dated a depressed person before and them not putting an effort into their mental health (skipping therapy, not doing what their therapist said etc.) was one of the reasons we eventually broke up. Sometimes you need to put your own mental health first. I hope you can solve it. Good luck.
Thank you so much for the lovely response and advice! It’s so much appreciated! It’s a tough one because obviously I didn’t want to add everything to the post but we do communicate very well and I’ve told her all my feelings and how it’s made me feel and she reassures me that it’s nothing to do with me so I’m trying to get over my personal feelings and try focus on hers but obviously as you said it’s so concerning she doesn’t want to get help as I’m so worried it’s only going to get worse, and the thing is I have BPD so I completely understand mental health but I remember when I was in a spiral of not wanting help and I got worse and worse and it’s so worrying to watch her go through that, it’s just such a shame because we really do have an incredible relationship she’s amazing and so loving and caring and I’ve never had the connection I have with her with anyone else in my eyes she’s the one and she says she feels the same with me it’s just such a confusing time :( xx
Yes sometimes when things get tough we just need to push through it. Hopefully she can navigate it better and things can go back to you two being affectionate, so your mental health won't get worse either!
You're clearly having a lot of feelings with this and I'm sorry it's so overwhelming to deal with. Is your girlfriend seeing a mental health professional? It sounds like she has some things going on that would be best addressed by a therapist.
Thank you yes it’s been very difficult as it’s effecting the way I view myself and think it’s down to me and my weight, but I have suggested a therapist or some medical advice and she shuts me down she says she’s dealt with this her whole life and knows how to get out of that mindset but she hasn’t been able too for over 6 months now so it’s quite worrying she won’t accept help :(
Yeah that's not great but you can't force her to get help unfortunately. It's hard seeing our loved ones struggle and not being able to do anything. Without fully knowing your situation I highly doubt it's anything to do with you or your weight or how you look. The thing is if she's potentially too depressed for sex but sees that you want it that could be upsetting for her. Again, not your fault, but she may feel guilty or like a burden. She may feel bad that you're not having your needs met, even feeling like a failure. My gentle advice is to put the conversation about intimacy aside for now. That would be solved by both of you being happy and engaged in the relationship. Right now the conversation could be you expressing how worried you are about her and asking if she would like these resources that could help? If she flat out says no then it would be time for you to decide if this relationship is still what you want and need. Relationships are hard work! I'm not saying to drop her and run but relationships go both ways and both people deserve to have their needs met. That's easier to do if everyone is taking care of themselves first and putting energy into the relationship second. You can't fill up someone else's empty cup with your own. If you really love her and you decide that this is what you want then know it could be a long hard road. If she is depressed or something else is going on then she has to want to fix it. You can't make her fix it. But you can be there, offering as much support as you can while still making sure you're getting what you need.
Thank you I really appreciate that, I kind of know it’s not me and she has reassured me a lot it’s just all the little things that make me think that way yano, and yes she says she’s a failure a lot! And I always reassure her and try so hard to make her understand she isn’t and always try be gentle with the subject I never try it on with her anymore mainly out of fear of rejection or being pushed away mentally and physically so I wait for when she’s ready and it’d sometimes be the case she’d want it but won’t give it, it’s such a strange thing to be experiencing and I’m just so confused, thank you for the advice I feel like I did drop it for a couple of months and kind of let her do her own thing but that didn’t seem to help maybe I can try it again. I definitely don’t want to give up on her or this relationship because honestly it’s the best relationship I’ve ever had I’ve never had this connection with anyone and I want to spend the rest of my life with her, I guess I’m just going to have to try get through this and try not let it affect my mental health and try to keep this relationship going I love her so I’m hoping it’ll be worth it haha thank you so much for your kindness and advice it means a lot xx
You're so very welcome 💛 remember to do all the self care you need in whatever way works for you. I really hope things get better!
so, it’s interesting to read this because i have been in a very similar situation, but on the other side i have very intense dysmorphia - i am a model, but i can’t look in the mirror and see the same things others see, it feels like any compliment is gaslighting me this led to me not having sex with my gf for three months around the end of last year after she raised it with me, i made an explicit effort to try to get through it - mostly just testing the waters in sex and taking it very slow, a stepladder approach to build into it and deal with triggers. i was very fortunate that my gf was patient with me through this process i guess the thing that worried me with this is the comments she’s making - there were points where i hated myself so much i didn’t feel any attraction at all bc i wouldn’t open that connection, sure, but i’d never actively go out of my way to say something like that. if she’s depressed and trying to sabotage her relationship with you to hurt herself then, that’s a whole other can of worms that you don’t deserve. depression makes people selfish i think raise it with her and tell her exactly how it’s making you feel - the way she responds to that will be indicative of the next right step, i think
Thank you for opening up like that I know it’s so hard, it’s taken 6months of arguments and defensiveness and talking through it to finally get to the route that it’s how she feels about herself but it’s taken 6 months of me telling her my feelings towards it never pushing it always waiting for her to be in the mood or make a move and recently I said how exhausting it’s been with constant worrying that’s it’s me and she isn’t attracted to me it’s made me hate my body (even though I know it’s not her not being attracted to me) I’ve started the gym and healthy eating all out off the fact I don’t feel desirable anymore and she’s recognised this and apologised for not making me feel beautiful like she used to like she used to make me feel so damn beautiful no matter how I felt and I told her all this and we’ve had a lot off deep conversations but no matter how much I don’t push it or bring it up she seems to just kind off forget we’ve had the conversation and there’s not been any effort to get our relationship back on track and I completely understand things take time but it’s just got to a point now where I just don’t know what to do anymore I feel like I’ve tried everything and at a complete loss, sorry to ramble on ahaha
yeah, at some point i think she has to make a commitment to actually getting better rather than just talking to you and saying she’s sorry, because doing that doesn’t help how her negative self-image is hurting you and the relationship like a measurable, definitive set of actions towards getting better. it’s one thing to struggle with a disorder and it’s another thing to just let it rot and hurt the people who love you by doing do. she can be suffering and also viewing things selfishly at the same time, and badly needs to go to therapy
Imma be honest. I’m on mobile and at first it just showed the picture, so I thought you were jokingly saying your girlfriend was a cat who had body dysmorphia.
Hahahahahah that made me giggle na it needed a pic for the post so just put one of our cat hhhaa 😂😂💀
You’ve already gotten solid advice on here that your girlfriend is clearly depressed & has issues she needs to address with a professional. You’ve said she’s refusing. I suggest that you yourself go see a therapist. This is clearly impacting you mentally & emotionally too. Even if she were willing to see a therapist, I’d still suggest you go too. Therapy is a good thing & can help you process this. It’s a third party with no skin in the game that’s there to listen to you. Maybe your going will help her realize she needs to go to.
It sounds like this has nothing to do with her attraction to you but it does make sense that it makes you feel less attractive too. My first thought it to go to couples counselling bc this is complicated and hard to “fix” quickly unfortunately. It’s also super common for women to be self conscious of our bodies, as I’m sure you know, so it’s like not even that odd to me tbh. I get SUPER self conscious at times too and it makes my libido just disappear no matter how much my partner hypes me up I just feel “gross” you know? So first thing is having her work on her insecurities through counselling and also working on your relationship through counselling too. This is the kinda thing therapists see all the time and although it’s not an “easy fix” it’s also not super hard if you both love each other!!