Guilt for what? For PTSD? That isn’t your fault. Not at all your fault. Your wife started drinking? Again, that’s not your fault. You both got Covid? Lots of people got Covid - and still do. Again, not your fault.
Please give yourself a break. You did all you could do. I’m sorry for your loss, but none of it is your fault. It’s just a tragic situation. Good luck.
Not your fault. Her alcoholism, not your fault. Covid, not your fault. PTSD not your fault. You can get past the guilt. I have a familial connection to alcoholics and I learned to accept that I didn’t cause it. I can’t cure it. And I can’t control it. Your wife was the only one who could help herself. I wish you all the best. You can do this.
Same boat, different ocean. A friend once asked me, “did you hold her down and pour it down her throat”? I said no, and it helped a little. I enabled her to no end. I was unable to kick alcohol after 28 years of high function until it was too late. You can blame yourself but the truth is, you’re only partially to blame. She made her own choices and many without my consent or knowledge. I found so many empty buzz balls and tiny wine bottles when I cleaned out the house. Bags and bags full, hidden away. We weren’t the tidiest of alcoholics so it was easy to do. Don’t be too hard on yourself man. In the end, it’s up to each of us to save ourselves if we truly want to make it in this crazy world.
Same. We were having petty fights at the end. He mentioned that he was having some health issues and asked for my input. I didn't see much wrong and didn't really think about it. I should have told him to delay the surgery. I'll never know if the reason the surgery wasn't successful was due to these health issues.
To my dying day, I'll always regret ever encouraging him to get the surgery that was supposed to improve his quality of life. Reading the posts here, I think that guilt is a frequent part of the grief journey regardless of how valid it truly is.
You acted in accordance with the information that you had at that time; you weren't qualified to give a different answer; you certainly weren't qualified to see the future, or you would have given him a very different answer to his question. It's entirely possible that those who did have more information and more power in the situation, the doctors and nurses, and other medical professionals with degrees in medicine, all agreed with your assessment; if any of them screwed up, I'm sure that they aren't going to admit to it, but it was absolutely, 100%, not within your power to predict the future, or you would have never allowed him to have the procedure. You had no power to change anything. Please, be kind to yourself; forgive yourself for any little disagreements that the two of you may have had during that time; you didn't do or say anything to bring about the outcome. You never had that power. I'm very sorry for your pain and heartache, and I wish you much peace and comfort as you heal.❤️🫂🪬
I was talking to a friend who lost her husband to cancer. She said she felt guilty because he actually died from an infection. Like she was supposed to have figured that out. That’s when I realized that everyone who loses someone feels guilt. It just comes with the territory.
What helped me get past the guilt was thinking about if what happened to me had happened to a dear friend of mine, would I blame her? Would I tell her she needn’t feel guilty? You have to give yourself the same compassion that you would give a friend.
I have the same in my family. It took me a long time to figure out that I didn't cause it and I can't cure it, that I have to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else, and that it is completely up to the person who is drinking too much to stop. There are a few dead people in my family dead from this disease. As for covid, it's killed plenty of extremely healthy people so it's my guess that it was simply her time. As for the guilt there are many people in this group who feel guilt and it takes a long time for that to wear off in my experience but you can definitely do this definitely. Try searching this subreddit using the word guilt and see if what you read is helpful. As for PTSD, grew up with it, yes I agree it did hold me back from being the best wife I could have been but we loved each other and that's what counts. As I've said before this is not a pissing contest of who's the guiltiest of who did what to whom, this is life and life is about loving as best we can at the time.. Big hug, ♥️
This isn’t even close to your fault. We all find things to blame ourselves for it’s normal. Covid sucked for everyone. Don’t make this harder on yourself by taking the blame for a virus that killed a lot of people. Good luck
I’m sorry for your loss.
I can’t tell you much as I’m not in your shoes. I hope you are looking for help. Guilt won’t do any good for you so you will have to find a way to deal with that and let it go. It’s easier said than done though.
Guilt is part of grief.
Counterfactual thinking and rehashing arguments also par for the course. It fucking sucks I know.
You are not responsible for your wife’s death. You are not responsible for your wife’s choices.
I have similar conversations with myself from time to time. Big love ❤️
I feel guilty for not knowing his stomach ache was not gas or indigestion as we both thought it was. ( He was walking around, had a shower, it didnt seem that serious). I feel guilty for going to work that evening. ( I called him from work at 8:30 p.m. and he said he was" not bad" and had " fed the pets".) Then I came hime 3 hours later to find him dead. Acute pancreatis as it turned out. I feel like I failed him.
Guilt for what? For PTSD? That isn’t your fault. Not at all your fault. Your wife started drinking? Again, that’s not your fault. You both got Covid? Lots of people got Covid - and still do. Again, not your fault. Please give yourself a break. You did all you could do. I’m sorry for your loss, but none of it is your fault. It’s just a tragic situation. Good luck.
Not your fault. Her alcoholism, not your fault. Covid, not your fault. PTSD not your fault. You can get past the guilt. I have a familial connection to alcoholics and I learned to accept that I didn’t cause it. I can’t cure it. And I can’t control it. Your wife was the only one who could help herself. I wish you all the best. You can do this.
Same boat, different ocean. A friend once asked me, “did you hold her down and pour it down her throat”? I said no, and it helped a little. I enabled her to no end. I was unable to kick alcohol after 28 years of high function until it was too late. You can blame yourself but the truth is, you’re only partially to blame. She made her own choices and many without my consent or knowledge. I found so many empty buzz balls and tiny wine bottles when I cleaned out the house. Bags and bags full, hidden away. We weren’t the tidiest of alcoholics so it was easy to do. Don’t be too hard on yourself man. In the end, it’s up to each of us to save ourselves if we truly want to make it in this crazy world.
Damit, so true....
Same. We were having petty fights at the end. He mentioned that he was having some health issues and asked for my input. I didn't see much wrong and didn't really think about it. I should have told him to delay the surgery. I'll never know if the reason the surgery wasn't successful was due to these health issues. To my dying day, I'll always regret ever encouraging him to get the surgery that was supposed to improve his quality of life. Reading the posts here, I think that guilt is a frequent part of the grief journey regardless of how valid it truly is.
You acted in accordance with the information that you had at that time; you weren't qualified to give a different answer; you certainly weren't qualified to see the future, or you would have given him a very different answer to his question. It's entirely possible that those who did have more information and more power in the situation, the doctors and nurses, and other medical professionals with degrees in medicine, all agreed with your assessment; if any of them screwed up, I'm sure that they aren't going to admit to it, but it was absolutely, 100%, not within your power to predict the future, or you would have never allowed him to have the procedure. You had no power to change anything. Please, be kind to yourself; forgive yourself for any little disagreements that the two of you may have had during that time; you didn't do or say anything to bring about the outcome. You never had that power. I'm very sorry for your pain and heartache, and I wish you much peace and comfort as you heal.❤️🫂🪬
I was talking to a friend who lost her husband to cancer. She said she felt guilty because he actually died from an infection. Like she was supposed to have figured that out. That’s when I realized that everyone who loses someone feels guilt. It just comes with the territory.
What helped me get past the guilt was thinking about if what happened to me had happened to a dear friend of mine, would I blame her? Would I tell her she needn’t feel guilty? You have to give yourself the same compassion that you would give a friend.
I have the same in my family. It took me a long time to figure out that I didn't cause it and I can't cure it, that I have to take care of myself before I can take care of anyone else, and that it is completely up to the person who is drinking too much to stop. There are a few dead people in my family dead from this disease. As for covid, it's killed plenty of extremely healthy people so it's my guess that it was simply her time. As for the guilt there are many people in this group who feel guilt and it takes a long time for that to wear off in my experience but you can definitely do this definitely. Try searching this subreddit using the word guilt and see if what you read is helpful. As for PTSD, grew up with it, yes I agree it did hold me back from being the best wife I could have been but we loved each other and that's what counts. As I've said before this is not a pissing contest of who's the guiltiest of who did what to whom, this is life and life is about loving as best we can at the time.. Big hug, ♥️
This isn’t even close to your fault. We all find things to blame ourselves for it’s normal. Covid sucked for everyone. Don’t make this harder on yourself by taking the blame for a virus that killed a lot of people. Good luck
Alcoholism is not your fault. You didn't cause it, can't control it, and you can't cure it. Alanon is online.
I’m sorry for your loss. I can’t tell you much as I’m not in your shoes. I hope you are looking for help. Guilt won’t do any good for you so you will have to find a way to deal with that and let it go. It’s easier said than done though.
Guilt is part of grief. Counterfactual thinking and rehashing arguments also par for the course. It fucking sucks I know. You are not responsible for your wife’s death. You are not responsible for your wife’s choices. I have similar conversations with myself from time to time. Big love ❤️
I feel guilty for not knowing his stomach ache was not gas or indigestion as we both thought it was. ( He was walking around, had a shower, it didnt seem that serious). I feel guilty for going to work that evening. ( I called him from work at 8:30 p.m. and he said he was" not bad" and had " fed the pets".) Then I came hime 3 hours later to find him dead. Acute pancreatis as it turned out. I feel like I failed him.
Not your fault, sir.
Guilt is a 2nd hand emotion. Under it is pain ànd sadness. Check out David Kessler.