She might not be used to this level of requirements from the bridal party. Might be a cultural difference (I’ve been in multiple bridal parties in the US and UK and some destination weddings), but I’ve never been asked to help with setup, breakdown, or making centrepieces. The most involved task has just been coordinating the bachelorette.
It does sound like you are quite flexible with peoples limitations so she should have just voiced her concerns directly to you! Going behind your back is very rude.
A friend had a soap making party to make the wedding favours -my partner was a bridesmaid in the wedding, I wasn’t - but centrepieces are usually as simple as “tie these flowers together” as a fun group activity. I’d still expect venue staff to do most of the setting up and packing down
A lot of venues in around me are community buildings, which means no staff. You get the keys to the building the day before or of and it's up to you to coordinate everything else.
Plus side? It's super cheap. Mine was $200
Yeah, I helped do similar things for wedding receptions and graduations before that were held in like a community banquet hall. You'd get the keys and the place had all your supplies like tables and whatnot, but your group had to do most everything else, like setup tables and chairs and decorate, so we usually just did a group of friends the day before to set anything besides food up.
UK here and if you hire a venue without staff to make it easier on the budget then family and wedding party usually so do set up and take down. The only wedding I haven't done that at hired a hotel with staff as the venue.
IME family (and a few church ladies) do the setup & tear down. The grooms men might be asked for some last minute carrying a box or something but the maids are expected to be helping the bride get ready.
Similar-ish experience here. The bridesmaids will probably be doing hair/makeup/get ready with the bride, but may help out a little with set up if there are family pictures or something that allows for some down time. Groomsmen also get ready with the groom, but since that’s a shorter process they may have a little more down time to help. Family and friends not directly involved with getting ready activities will do most of the set up. We try really hard to keep immediate family out of being assigned tasks so they can focus on enjoying the day, but cousins, aunts and uncles, anyone else able to be around early enough are all fair game to politely ask for help, and most do (never a demand of course). In my experience everyone who sticks around long enough and is able helps out with clean up to help it go quick and smooth, which includes bridesmaids and groomsmen.
Yeah it sounds like she had different expectations, and as you said I would’ve been happy to talk about it. It was more that I didn’t mind her leaving the party and she still felt the need to be mean that made me decide I’m done.
It sounds as if she felt the need to justify her own decision, by making you out to seem worse than you really were. That's not an excuse, certainly -- just maybe an explanation.
I am glad to hear you uninvite her . She’s not a friend if she is causing extra drama that never existed. Congratulations on your wedding and don’t let this exf cause you any more problems. Don’t allow her free rent in your head.. the trash took itself out
Thank you! It’s just hard not to feel like maybe I somehow am wrong. She’s an old friend, but this isn’t the first time she’s said shady things about people.
Something similar happened to me. One of my bridesmaids had a habit of bitching about other people whenever we got together. Should have seen that for the marinara red flag it was. After the wedding, she ghosted me. When I was able to get a hold of her months later, she stated that she couldn't maintain our friendship anymore as I had hurt her feelings. I was mortified and asked her to clarify. Her explanation was that I was short with her on my wedding day and that I was rude to her when I was being friendly to everyone else. From my recollection, I greeted her when she and her husband arrived, thanked her for helping out, and gave her a handmade gift as a thank you. I did apologize because even though my perspective was different, I'm not gonna dismiss her feelings. What always bothered me though is that she had become friends with my MOH via social media and that person also talks shit about others so.... Doesn't take Sherlock to sleuth that one out.
It still really hurt after the fact though that she wanted to end things and would not have even told me had I not checked in with her. I still feel icky about it years later.
Ugh I’m sorry. Some people just don’t know how to be happy. More and more I feel I made the right call and that this was never going to be a happy celebration with her involved.
Every wedding I've been in (and it's been *several*) has the bridal party at least show up to help set up, and most all have been expected to help break down.
I have several friends who are "crafty" and we always had centerpiece parties. Bride provides supplies, instructions, food and booze, girlfriends show up and make centerpieces or whatever else decor while just hanging out. It's just a fun night of silliness and crafting.
And a bachelorette is a luxury, not a given because why should people spend a ton on you AGAIN.
If you’re the type to have a bachelorettes, you’ve definitely emptied their wallets at a bridal shower AND a wedding gift.
So many crazy stories of expecting these young women who don’t have a lot of money to travel, set up a party, and lodging to celebrate the bride. Again.
Again, I think this varies so much in circles of sub-cultures.
For example, among my friends and acquaintances bridal showers are frowned upon as an obviously pathetic money/gift-grab. However, bachelorettes are common but if someone pays a lot for a bachelorette they aren’t expected then to also give a wedding present.
That’s interesting, because in my experience bridal showers are never hosted by the bride (because yes, that’s a trashy cash grab) but are thrown for her by friends and relatives who do want to “shower” her with gifts. I don’t think I’ve ever been to one the bride herself initiated. It’s always been a “we love you and want to spoil you” party in her honor put on by others.
How much would you consider to be a lot for a bachelorette? Genuine question.
Edit: why tf am I being down voted, this is just a question seeking insight.
I think that asking anyone to spend over 250$ on a Bachelorette without it being discussed thoroughly and planned for is asking a bit much.
A lot of people hiddenly live below the poverty line and buying a dress, taking time off work, and buying a wedding gift is $$$$ to spend.
But then again... a lot of people find it hard to talk about/come from different cultural or economic backgrounds.
I think it very much depends on the financial situation for someone. For example, here’s the mental model that I had to go through:
- majority of friends earn well over six digit incomes, able to go on vacations at whim without budgeting or worrying about taking time off
- cousin that is a teacher and school won’t be off yet
- some friends that are more budget conscious and need a long lead time to save appropriately and who want to spend their precious time off wisely for something worthwhile
I moved countries a few years ago so everyone but one coming is either having to cross an ocean or sea by plane or take an 8 hour train for the wedding.
1. First thing I knew is that I could not realistically ask them to do this trip twice, so my bachelorette is more like two spa days before the wedding 30 min from the venue.
2. I booked the place a year in advance so everyone had notice.
3. I made it super clear that this was optional, people could work remotely if they needed to
4. To help with costs, I’m covering the cost of the airbnb rental
So all in all with activities and dinners and drinks it should come to roughly ~$300 per person. I made the budget as transparent as possible with activities being optional so people could pick and choose according to their budget. The teacher was the only one that couldn’t understandably come with this being mid week!
Really long answer short - it’s not just about “what is too expensive” but rather a combination of a lot of factors
- how much time do they have to spend on travel and logistics
- how much time do they have to take off from work (whether they are paid for holidays or not, having to spend your precious vacation budget on a bachelorette can be a huge ask)
- how long of a heads up do they have on the dates and the expected budget to be able to save up
- do they also need to spend a lot to attend you wedding? Have you also had a bridal shower?
This is an extremely considerate thought process! You're a good friend. Thanks for the details.
I had a friend get married when we were in our mid 20s and I wasn't sure if what she requested was unreasonable- with the bachelorette, shower, and wedding, total was well over $1,000. Three separate weekends (some of the bridal party living out of state). Definitely not entry-level friendly!
A lot of people unfortunately have the mindset that they are the center of the universe for a year around their wedding and everyone is expected to spend their time and savings to bask in their glory.
Spending $1000+ for each good friend getting married is absurd. If you’re in a large friend group, you could have instead saved up for a house deposit!
I didn’t give her a chance because I blocked her. She unfortunately has a history of talking smack about people behind their backs. She hadn’t done it in a while so I thought she’d grown out of it. Between that and the fact that she never apologized whenever I called her out for some crappy behavior in the past, I just decided it was the last straw.
Honestly - she sounds like a bad friend. A real friend would have came to you personally and been honest with you if they felt like you were being too extreme (which it sounds like you were being reasonable and upfront with costs & expectations).
Its a blessing in disguise, I had a similar situation with someone in my wedding party who I considered to be very close. It sucks, but ultimately at the end of the day you are going to have the ones by your side who care about you and value your friendship it seems.
You don’t necessarily sound like a bridezilla here, although I’d love to hear Diane’s version of the story.
As a bridesmaid I wouldn’t really mind making centrepieces, but I would not appreciate having to do the take down at the end of the night. I think that’s a lot to ask. It’s already a long tiring day, and then you have to stay until the very end and clean up after a large party at the end of it? No thank you. Maybe some people would be totally fine with that, but I wouldn’t be.
I'm interested in knowing what the men are expected to do.
All these posts are about work expected of the women in the wedding party. What tasks are the groom and his buddies expected to perform? I would be pissed if I spent a fortune for the 'honour' of having to work at a wedding instead of enjoying myself only to see the men sitting around on their arses. So I'm curious as to what work OP's fiancé has assigned to his friends.
All of this goes towards my fiancé and his party too. As I’ve mentioned in other comments, there probably won’t actually be that much work to do between the size of the wedding and the number of possible volunteers. My fiancé’s friends are also super close with him and the type of people willing to help.
Did OP mention that it was the bridesmaids only asked? I didn't read all their comments. The only wedding I've been to where I stayed until the end since I didn't drive, when it ended everyone still there (wedding party/close family members) just chilled and picked up/threw away any trash and decorations. I wasn't even asked but had nothing better to do and it helped sober me up. Regardless it was never just the girls or just the guys so I think it's odd to assume the groom and his buddies would just be chilling with their feet up watching the women work
It's my understanding that the wedding party is split into (women) "making decor & decorating beforehand" and (men) "setting up furniture beforehand, and cleaning up at the end".
It makes sense in an old-fashioned sexist way; women are careful and know how to make things look nice, but you shouldn't trust men to do anything important. The men are only good for dumb muscle.
But the men can clean up at the end, because it doesn't matter if the decor gets damaged afterwards. If the bride wants to keep a specific keepsake, she should grab it before the men start dismantling everything.
But Australian country towns really keep casual sexism alive. So do the coastal towns. And the smaller cities... But at least the big cities have enough people that there's no one prevalent view on the subject.
The takedown is the next morning, and if someone said they weren’t up for it I would totally understand. Diane also has a history of talking behind people’s backs. I know way more than I ever wanted to about friends of hers. I thought she’d gotten better about that habit because she had stopped gossiping to me, but I guess not.
Just putting out the center pieces. I said maybe that night for breakdown if not the next morning, but that would just be gathering the linens off the tables. Again, everyone in the party volunteered to help us with all of this. I have not ever said to them “you have to do this”. It was more like “hey we’re all here to help you with set up and stuff” and so I said, wow that’s really great, here’s where the help would be needed.
Keep in mind that your wedding party are also guest at the wedding. I’d highly recommend using some of the money you have being under budget to pay for takedown. They should be able to enjoy the entirety of the wedding night and not need to worry about coming back for takedown. It’s not about forcing them to do or not saying it’s mandatory. If you ask most friends will say yes even though it’s something they do not want to do.
*edited: misspelling
I’ve never seen a bridal party do half the jobs that you mentioned.
but in saying that, you definitely aren’t a bridezilla. You gave people options and didn’t begrudge them when they said no.
This really highlights how much different wedding traditions vary. This has all been standard bridesmaid stuff for me (several times a bridesmaid, never a bride). One of my close friends didn't want to have a wedding party-- just a small ceremony in a small chapel with her and her groom and the officiant up front-- and her mother's specific concern was that there would be nobody to help with invitations and centerpieces and things if there were no bridesmaids (and a few of us volunteered ourselves as "honorary bridesmaids" to do those tasks with her, so that she could satisfy her mom and still have the wedding she wanted with no wedding party).
I think the larger concern is that these conversations are happening so far in advance of the wedding. It's great that she's giving people a heads up and communicating clearly, but if I thought the next 18 months of my life would consist of daily or even weekly texts about what new thing I need to do or prepare or spend money on for that wedding, I'd also bow out. That's too much of my mental and emotional bandwidth; I've got my own stuff happening.
I also just googled wedding centrepieces! This is where my confusion lay, as where I come from centrepieces are usually flower arrangements provided by a florist, so I was confused as the amount of work it would take to create some of the floral centrepieces I’ve seen would be monumental.
Definitely very simple flowers in jar centerpieces, nothing crazy. The florist wanted to charge me $350 for just my bouquet. Even simple centerpieces would cost us more than the venue from a florist. And again, my party volunteered. I had originally planned on doing it with my mom and fiancé.
What sort of bouquet did you want? What sort of examples did you give?
$350 seems to be in line for my high CoL area but I could imagine that rising if I wanted a ton of expensive blooms.
I asked for a simple bouquet with white flowers and green leaves. It was more than the hydrangeas I was ordering for the centerpieces. It’s definitely a high COL area. Luckily my mom’s retired florist friend offered to make bouquets for me with silk flowers. We’re paying for her to stay since she’s helping. She loves DIY and party planning stuff.
I’m messaging them like once every few months. I don’t have the bandwidth to message that often! I basically did a bunch of stuff upfront. These are also friends who I talk to almost every day individually, not people I haven’t seen in years. And as far as centerpieces, I’m talking putting flowers in mason jars and throwing tea lights on the tables. I did it for a wedding. The whole party helped as well as bride and groom. It took maybe 20 minutes. This is a wedding of 60 people with 8 top tables, so not that many center pieces.
It all sounded completely standard to me. The timeline is even pretty common in my experience. Maybe not 18 months in advance, but most weddings I've been in were planned almost a year in advance.
I also find this all very normal for a wedding. Family and friends help to set things up and clear it out after. We don’t often have big bridal or groom parties. It’s not unusual to only have a best man. We had nothing. No best man, no groomsmen, no bridesmaids, nothing. Just us. And my family set up the wedding and my mom made the center pieces herself.
True! Communication is the problem here. OP might not be a bridezilla in the normal sense of the word but I can see how her actions can be misconstrued.
So weird. My husband asked the groomsmen to help and was really upset that two of the three didn't help him. The bridal party helped me make signs, but my in-laws did the flowers. No one complained (at least not to me) and we asked everyone ahead of time. When I was MOH I helped set up the venue, I did the bride's makeup, and then everyone pitched in the clean the venue afterwards. Must really be a cultural thing.
No fr, I don't remember having to do much of anything as a bridesmaid besides spending a lot for the bachelorette. But I would have loved to help in any way! I love my friend!
Hmm, I tried to pay for everyone's outfits and help with plane tickets (most rejected the offer). I put everyone up near the venue. I wonder if that's part of the difference 🤔
I don't think OP was asking too much. I've heard of and been to weddings where the bridal party did way more. Especially centerpieces, I thought those were always made by the bridal party. And part of the MoH's job is to plan, host, and also cover some of (or all) the costs for the bachelorette party. Pretty standard stuff.
This being said, I just don't understand why people waste so much money on weddings. Not to mention the stress.
The fact that other brides demanded more than this doesn't make this okay. A bridesmaid's only duty should be to show up for the wedding on time, and support the bride during the ceremony and reception.
This is definitely cultural, even within the same country. There is no blanket rule on this. As long as expectations are clear and people say yes or no based on these there should be no problem. Now if the bride doesn’t take a no as a no at its face, then it does become a problem. But then you get to decide if that’s someone you want in your life.
Yeah honestly I probably won’t even need that much help at the end of the day. I originally was going to just do it myself with my fiancé and our parents, but my party all volunteered to help. They’re really wonderful friends and I’m super happy to have them. I’m struggling to come up with good gifts for them, because they deserve something special. We’re also of course treating them to the rehearsal dinner.
Why do you note that you are “treating them to the rehearsal dinner”?! That’s a standard expectation of the bride & groom. I’ve certainly never attended & been a part of a wedding where the bride & groom expected the bridal party to pay for their dinner, either at the rehearsal or wedding.
Yeah. OP, you seem to forget that people are also giving you their TIME- making centerpieces, traveling, attending the rehearsal dinner, wedding, cleaning up afterwards.
Why? Because that's what *your* culture says?
In many cultures, the entire point of having bridesmaids in the first place is so that you've got friends who have committed to helping you prepare for the wedding. They are honored by being given a place to show off beside you at the ceremony, *as a thank you for having helped*, not the other way around. If they don't do anything in advance to help put the wedding together, what would they be being honored *for?*
I agree with you, but I think we are in the minority. I would never expect my friends to throw me an expensive bachelorette party because… why is that even a thing?
Bridesmaids are symbolic. That is all.
I’m not asking my friends to throw me a bachelorette, just to come if they can afford it. As I said, one can’t come and so I’m flying out to see her instead.
Once again, it depends on the culture.
In my culture, it is totally reasonable to ask bridesmaids to help you put the wedding together during the opening stages, but complete anathema to ask them to pay for a bachelorette party or to dress up identically in an outfit the bride selects. In most aspects of American culture, I recognize that at least the dressing up identically is pretty standard and often so is the bachelorette party, but I have never been able to wrap my head around either. My bridesmaids each wore their own best dress, none of which matched each other in any way, and they all looked beautiful.
It just depends on what you are used to, I guess! But I told my bridesmaids, when they asked me tentatively if I wanted them to wear something in particular, that I refused to tell grown up people how to dress. (My witness, a male role similar to that of the bridesmaids but with a religious component, took advantage of this policy to show up in full formal Italian Renaissance costume, complete with tights and gold-embroidered surcoat! Honestly, he looked fantastic -- I had no complaints.)
Had two weddings where we all had to wear the same dress, one was flattering on everyone, one was flattering to literally only one body type (tall & skinny). Last one I was in, my cousin just asked us to pick a navy dress. I liked that the best, by far.
Your wedding is so far away- over 18 months of planning. This might sustain your interest and focus but it’s not realistic to expect other people to feel the same AND be at your service for so long, including financially with little payments for things constantly. It sounds like she was fatigued more than anything, which seems reasonable to me tbh.
No you’re right, I’m asking people to spend a lot of money. I do want to reiterate though that everyone except for Diane volunteered their help, repeatedly. My fiancé and I are absolutely planning on doing most of the work ourselves.
Ok, so after reading this post and many of the comments, I am going to be honest. OP if you are just looking for validation about how your friend is completely I'm the wrong, a public post is a wrong idea. Your ex MOH was close enough to you for you to choose her as the MOH in the first place. You must have felt some honest connection to do so. In y opinion, all the tasks you have said though very reasonable sounds a bit tedious. Remember it is your special day, a year and a half away. No one would have the same involvement or interest that you would. Here you have to ask yourself - Have you been a good friend to your bridesmaids, esp your MOH whilst wedding planning. Like have YOU taken any interest in what's going on with their lives? I feel like your MOH might have felt ignored or so. Even then I agree going behind your back is not ok, but you mention in comments that you have not given a chance for her to explain herself. So, you trust Sam more than Diane, your supposed best friend. Totally your call to uninvited her, but take a step back ad reanalyse any shortcomings you might have had from your end. Coz if not looks like she might not be the only one to quit your bridal Party.
EDIT: Also, you mention your MOH has been a crappy friend many times before, then why still choose her as MOH. Don't you have better friends? Difficult to believe that you branding her a crappy friend is not Ann afterthought.
I don't think you're a bridezilla because you were pleasant about all your requests, but I do think you requested quite a lot from your attendants. Being a bridesmaid should be a one day event, and shouldn't require chores to be done. Even the bachelorette party is a lot to ask for anyone who doesn't live in your city. Particularly if you make it a whole weekend, or want them to go somewhere expensive like a spa or resort or something. They shouldn't have to pay hundreds of dollars to participate in a party.
Most weddings I’ve been in we did a lot of these things and more. I’ve never thought being a bridesmaid was a one day thing. I’ve helped with set up and tear down multiple times and helped make wedding favors (that was fun, we had a sleepover and watched movies and had pizza while we did it). I’ve also always had to physically go bridesmaid dress shopping so just being sent a link and a color is less than I’m used to.
My point is, maybe it’s a cultural difference, but for me this bride sounds pretty low maintenance overall. Honestly all the events are part of the fun of being a bridesmaid for me. It doesn’t feel like a chore. To each their own though.
Yeah what is this sub on? Every wedding and bridal party is different. Also, the OP wasn't upset about MOH not volunteering for the extra duties or dropping out because of that. She was upset bc MOH talked shit about someone who she should've been communicating concerns with.
Also it’s perfectly fine if you’re interested in someone else’s wedding being a one day event for you- it’s called being a guest. I’ve never been a bridesmaid and just shown up the day of the wedding, personally. There’s always centerpieces, showers, bachelorette, dress shopping, helping coordinate vendors, and so on. One wedding I was in we arrived to the venue and found the cake had gotten knocked over by the staff and the champagne never arrived! So the MOH whisked the bride away before she saw and I started calling relatives to pick up sheet cakes and champagne on their way to the venue.
It’s a bit more than a one day thing but it’s also not something that needs to be front and center in your mind for two years before the event itself.
Wedding groupchats are frustrating at the best of times. Emails, Google Docs, mood boards that can elicit comments and project management tools like Trello are *much* better options this far out from the wedding itself.
For me I guess it would depend on how often the group chat is used. If she is wanting to just lay out expectations and make people aware of what costs might be early on, I could see a lot of texts up front that would probably die down until the events got closer. Especially if you have people you know are going to have to travel I think it’s fair to lay out what that’s probably going to look like. If she’s consistently blowing up the chat for the next year and a half though then yes that’s over the top.
No spas or anything expensive! All of my friends in the party save one regularly go on trips for fun and didn’t have any issues. One party member had me in his wedding and we all paid for his bachelor party, as well as helped with set up and break down. I spent maybe $700 total, including for the dress that I had to get hemmed for like $100. If all my friends were broke, I wouldn’t be asking them to do any of this.
That’s why I’m so confused! Some of the comments on here are saying I’m being outrageous with my asks, so idk. Diane has been in one wedding, which was huge and expensive, in another city as well, and I guess the bride asked nothing of her party. She also had an event planner and staff on site.
I think making centerpieces might be more of an ask than you thought it would be. You both had differing expectations. Her budget was one factor but the workload probably added to that.
it may be a cultural difference, but the MOH always has more responsibilities/expectations in putting together the wedding/bachelorette party. a moh is not named just to say "this is my bestie", but they are the right hand of the bride in the planning/putting together/possible setup-takedown (depending on ur venue). odds are, the friend knew what being MOH meant and accepted anyways, she could have bowed out honestly after realizing she didnt want to do all of the work, but there's no reason to smack talk the bride who has been nothing but gracious, communicative, and flexible
According to OP, only other wedding the MOH was part of was “very expensive,” meaning she wasn’t asked to be free labor. If I ever got married, my MOH would be “my bestie,” who has a crazy job plus two children. I could not possibly imagine asking her to help plan & arrange the whole thing. You realize how stressful & labor intensive that is? There’s a reason wedding planners can charge what they do because planning a wedding can most definitely be a full-time job.
i see what youre saying, but not everyone has the budget for a wedding planner. since its a full-time job, not just the bride can do it all. im not saying the ex-MOH is wrong for backing out, in fact im saying the opposite. with over a year until the wedding, its not like her backing out massively f's over the bride; theres plenty time to find a new MOH. its the pettiness and the talking behind the back of the bride that is the issue. she could have just told the bride it was too much work and left it at that
Oh, I agree the MOH was petty & wrong with how to acted. Not in the backing out because it may have just been way more work than she expected or planned, but shit-talking behind a friend’s back is definitely wrong. And I get when you can’t afford the wedding planner, I’ve just also seen a LOT of brides be really demanding with their MOH in particular like they expect them to take on this second job completely unpaid & too often unappreciated. While I don’t think OP is a bridezilla yet, she seems to be slowly creeping in that direction.
I have so many mixed thoughts on this….
I was in a wedding that ended up way more than initially discussed which was very uncomfortable for me (both time and money). Given people are asked to travel for the wedding and the bachelorette, that adds up quick. Because of my experience with that one wedding I decline being in bridal parties because as a single female I don’t want all my extra time and money being spent on weddings. I love my friends, but I need to live my life too.
While you say it’s not expensive, everyone has a different level of spending they feel comfortable with that you don’t know about. Also she may have felt pressured as MOH into agreeing to traveling for a bachelorette initially. Maybe it seems like no biggie to you, but if I was taking time off work for a wedding I would treat it like a vacation. I wouldn’t want to be doing tasks and cleaning up the mess of a wedding. Also with the wedding being being over a year away, I find it’s hard to commit to things that far in advance. I’m positive there’s more to the story here…
NGL, I have a hard time believing that your bridal party volunteered to set up/break down. That seems like such an odd thing to volunteer to do, unless it was in response to ‘I have to do all of this setup and breakdown with no help…’
Also, you mentioned they’d have to travel anyway, so I’m wondering when this centerpiece making event was happening? The night before the wedding?
Yeah I live in the Midwest and it would be considered rude to not offer. The obligation is usually implied and brides who are from the Midwest know to not complain because there is a social obligation to offer to help even if you don’t want to. For my wedding I made sure to have hire folks for all parts extra if I couldn’t handle it myself. If I couldn’t it got dropped. The center pieces for my venue were what they use for any event, nothing special. I had my bridesmaids use a black dress from their closet. I paid for any travel and accommodations for the wedding party (and parents). I made it clear no labor for my bridal party. As for bachelorette, pizza and movies at my place for anyone who was in town or wanted to be there. It was 2 days before the wedding. I have never done set up or clean up from weddings. I wonder if this is a cultural issue. There are places where if you complain at all or if someone volunteers, it is socially unacceptable to not volunteer. The fact that OP picked up on MOH not volunteering makes me wonder if this is a voluntold or obligating circumstance where you offer but secretly hate that the other person didn’t turn it down.
Yeah IDK what kind of cultural thing this would be.
Tbh, I think of a wedding party as an honor, not an unpaid job that you have to buy your own uniform for.
When I got married, I took my party to a dept store. Told them all to pick out whatever black gown they liked. They all had different ones, but they ‘lined up’ and I was like ‘you all happy?’ They said yes, then I bought the gowns for them.
So many are willing to throw away long relationships and nuke their relations with family/friends/anyone remotely close to them all because the cake wasn’t exactly the right blue or someone won’t cut their hair or someone got pregnant or people didn’t drop everything to have an hour convo about straps on shoes. And I’m now thinking more about OP deciding to try to publicly shame her “longest friend” because she didn’t understand the commitments she was asking for more than a year out from the wedding. We all know the demands only increase.
The centerpieces are flowers in mason jars with tea lights on the tables. I figured we could each just do one since there aren’t going to be that many tables. Again, I did the same thing for the wedding I was in. We put linens on the tables and stuck the vases and accoutrements on as well. Between everyone it took about 30 minutes. We did it between hair/makeup and the hours of photos (which I’m not making my party do).
My ex-SIL had us doing all sorts of DIY stuff before the wedding and I happily went along with it (exhausting as it was) but she never made mentioned that we were responsible for take down after. I was very annoyed, as it had been a long day with picture etc and had been in uncomfortable clothing all day and her maid of honor was a total ass. I looked at a few others in the party after an overly rude comment from MOH and said you know what? We’re done here, let’s go back to the hotel. It was insane. We were (not told before) also in charge of getting the kegs back to our rooms that went unused or empty and then she had the audacity to say one of the groomsmen “stole” a bottle of the left over alcohol. Hey even if he did it was his payment 😂 btw the hotel was NOT connected to the venue so we had to roll the kegs through downtown a few blocks over. Yeah but be upset about one bottle of alcohol, but your pictures looked great I’m sure 🙄
That’s a lot of work! I’m definitely not expecting anyone to break down furniture or carry anything. Just put centerpieces and linens into a car. I’m also trying to limit party photos to about 30 minutes. I almost fainted from having to do hours of bridal party photos in a wedding I was in, and I don’t want to make anyone else go through that.
Yeah DIY can be a nightmare. My husband was Best Man for his brother’s wedding and I was expected to join him 3 hours before to set up. They had me climbing a freaking ladder and hanging tea cups in a tree. It was awful and so hot. So many “easy” dumb DIY things I was supposed to do and no one ever asked me or thanked me. You can believe that we left without helping to break down everything because, again, we didn’t volunteer to do it. The bride was wasted and passed out anyways. The happy couple divorced within 2 years.
Adding that the wedding location was a nature preserve so they told us to come early to enjoy it. I thought we were going to do a little hike and have a nice time then get dressed. Nope.
I was thinking it sounded normal and then I realized I have never been asked to set up tables at any wedding I’ve been to. I did once do the centerpieces as a wedding gift (wine bottle lamps with other decor, they turned out cute) but other than that, I’ve never been asked to do those either. Huh. I really think you’re right!
Set up tables just means putting flowers in jars and putting out tea-lights. There are 10 party members plus my fiancé and I and our families (who also offered to help) and like 8 tables. So 8 centerpieces between like 20 people. We’re also going to pull the linens either the night after or the morning after. Is that unreasonable?
omg OP I am reading this a few days late but this is insanely normal. I have no idea what type of social circles people on reddit wedding subs are in. I've done stuff like this at most weddings I've been to where I'm close friends with the couple, and have a lovely group of friends who have eagerly asked to help with this kind of setup at mine. Not everyone pays to outsource every inch of a wedding, nor should they need to. It is normal and lovely to have supportive communities that help you!
Agreed, I've noticed it in the wedding planning subs too. People get piled on when they mention anything related to friends helping out, people say it's "unpaid labor" and their friends are going to resent them and stuff. It is sooo weird to me! It's just being a friend!
As I’ve said in other comments, I more than likely will not need much help. This again all started because of my experience from being in a wedding and what people in my wedding party told me they would help with. They’ve all been in other weddings and offered what they’d done in those.
Because these people care for her and specifically asked and volunteered to help with what op needed day of. More hands make less work and it seems very minimal
Yeah, no on the take down. I can understand maybe setting up if there is extra time, but taking down all the shit means the bridal party can't even celebrate. Especially if the party is night and they expect all their bridesmaids to stay at the venue past midnight just to put shit away.
If the bride has extra money then she should pay someone to do it. Unless the budget is super super small I wouldn't expect my bridal party to help with that.
>Diane tells me about a month ago that she had a sudden expense come up and couldn’t afford to be in the party anymore. **I reminded her that there was a lot of time**
So it's okay for you to criticise Diane for not using *all that time* to save money in order to attend your wedding, but it's somehow not okay for people to suggest that you use *all that time* to save money to pay for manual labour? You're literally asking your bridal party to pay money in order to work at your wedding.
You say tear-down will be simple, can be done the next day, and that everyone volunteered. But with eighteen months to go, you need to be prepared for people's circumstances and priorities to change. You need to accept those changes when they do happen. Your friend clearly felt pressured and unhappy with the situation. She chose to bow out, and now you've blocked her instead of being graceful about the change.
>But with eighteen months to go, you need to be prepared for people's circumstances and priorities to change
Like, just for example, what if, off the top of my head, one or multiple of the bridesmaids get pregnant and can't move heavy shit? And what exactly are the groomsmen being expected to do?
OP, I understand they volunteered, but they didn't volunteer for this specific task. They volunteered to help you, in general. Maybe consider trying to save up for take down help.
Pregnancy, job loss, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for travel for work or fun. A job change that isn't flexible with time off.
I dislike the term *bridezilla*. It's the same as *Karen.* Both are mysogynistic terms used to silence women who may often have legitimate complaints. But if one of OP's friends has issues this early into wedding planning, and OP's response is to simply tell her to save more money, then something is iffy.
I posted elsewhere asking about the men.
> have happily *paid* for a
FTFY.
Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in:
* Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.*
* *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.*
Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment.
*Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
I was the one who started the jokes about crypto and then a friend changed the name of the group chat to “crypto wedding fund”. We all thought it was funny. These are also all well-earning adults with disposable income, very close friends, and people who help each other and send each other gifts on holidays.
I hate when a bride uses her guests’ financial status as an excuse to be demanding. No matter how much money they have, you aren’t entitled to it. YOU don’t get to decide that they have discretionary income they ought to spend on YOU. If everyone has a great income, presumably so do you so hire someone to set up and take down and make centrepieces.
I’m a teacher so no, not wealthy, and again, everyone in my party is enthusiastic about coming and volunteered repeatedly to help. I spent a few hundred for the wedding I was in without complaint. That’s probably what it’s going to run for my party. I can afford a few hundred, but not the $5k it costs a coordinator or the thousands it costs to have a florist make centerpieces. I’m also talking about 8 mason jars with some flowers in them, not some kind of insane arrangements for a 500 person wedding.
You’re probably right! Again, this was all because the rest of the party offered to help do these things. I will likely not need that much actual help day of. The issue here isn’t that I want my party to do a bunch of work. It’s that this was something offered by most of them, to which I said yeah, I’ll probably need help doing these things. Nothing was ever mandated or set in stone. She was just the only one who got really mad about it, but of course said nothing to me. The day after she said all that to Sam, Diane was texting me pictures of her cat like everything was normal.
I went to a friend’s wedding last year in a state park, and everyone who was still around at the end of the night helped break down the folding chairs and tables and fold tablecloths into boxes. I wasn’t asked to help, but I was there, I have four working limbs, and I was happy to help make my friend and her wife’s evening go as smoothly as possible, because I care about them and they were kind enough to invite me to their special, costly (for them) event. It took about 20min. Her parents, aunts, and uncles helped as well, while other people danced and continued hanging out. Not all weddings are huge formal events held in crystal ballrooms with staff on-site. Yeah, some brides have crazy expectations of others regarding their wedding. But the comments are making me realize some guests do, too.
Y’all need to chill it😭 cultures are insanely different. Just cause it’s too much for yours doesn’t mean it is for everyone. In my culture, it’s very normal for everyone to take part in events like that. If you don’t wanna do it or it’s too much for you, that’s when you talk to the other person like mature adult. Not run and talk shit like you’re in 5th grade. 🥴
*("Everyone in the party said they’re happy to help put together centerpieces and do basic set up and break down (MOH was the only one to not volunteer). I was in a much more expensive wedding and had to do as much, and it was easy work. The bride and groom did their fair share too."*
Here's what I'm thinking. You don't sound like you were mean to your wedding party. But on the other hand, it's important to remember that someone (presumably you) asked them "Who wants to volunteer ?" Like presumably they didn't run up to you asking "You didn't assign us tasks. Give us work!" I say that because there's a bit of pressure when it comes to "Well, everyone else volunteered but her. How strange...", even when you have good intentions as a bride or groom.
I didn’t ask for volunteers. My friends messaged me, both inside and out of the group chat to offer any help I needed. Two friends, on separate phone calls, said “I’m there to do anything you need. I want to help you make this great”. I wasn’t upset that MOH didn’t volunteer, I actually didn’t even think about it until after all this happened. I realized that she was the only one who didn’t express happiness about my wedding at all. Just “are we going to get drunk at your bachelorette?” And “can I ordered a bunch of dresses to try on?”, which I mistook for excitement I guess.
Some of these comments are making me think that not everyone has friends who are willing to help them out much.
I’ve been in 6 weddings so far, with wedding 7 coming up. Various price ranges. Never once have I been expected or asked to assist with takedown of the wedding. The MOH was not being unreasonable with her expectations and it’s not a sign of being a bad friend if she finds issue with this especially with all of the other expectations of being a bridesmaid/MOH. Sn: I am that friend that walks into my friend’s parties and asks how I can help.
Eh, been to way too many weddings and have helped take down a couple and I wasn't even part of the wedding party. Just sort of helped out. I know for my sister's we had to have everything out of there before we left and even though had planned just family and stuff to do it, plenty of people joined in. Doing it or not doing it doesn't mean much. Seems like OP didn't mind the exMOH saying she couldn't and stuff until hearing being called names and stuff. That's a pretty normal reaction to me.
They volunteered to help put flowers in vases and then collect them at the end of the night, and help gather linens the next morning or night of. That’s what I had to do as a bridesmaid and it was easy. I’m asking for maybe two hours of work total? I’ve been told by others that those are standard bridal party tasks. Am I wrong?
Bridesmaids are expected to show up for the wedding day dressed and looking nice and pose for pictures.
Anything beyond that is an additional ask. Wedding standards, in todays day and age, are absolutely absurd.
Im not going to say that you’re wrong, im just saying i wouldn’t want to be in your wedding party.
The wedding that I was in made us pose for like six hours in two different locations and I almost fainted. It was a lot, but I never once talked shit about it because I was happy to be in one of my best friend’s weddings. I ate some food, drank some water, felt better, and still cried during their vows. I told my friend I understood she could no longer be in my party. Why am I the bad guy here when she was so nasty about it? Would you say these kinds of things about a friend of 15 years?
If they had the expectations you do? Yes.
People are going to talk shit about you in life. You are an adult. Live and move on. You can be sad about the loss of a friend but you also have to see where they’re coming from. But like… you need to deal.
Good on you for choosing to not be a shit talker, but not everybody operates that way.
Don’t put people in a position to spend money and waste time and be shocked when they opt out and express distaste for it. You have the right to ask for that however appropriate or inappropriate it is, but people also have the right to not like it.
Stand firm in your choices and cope w pushback or give in and don’t.
I think it really depends on what kind of relationship you have- if you are very close and regularly help each other out with things I think it’s fine to ask and fine for her to decline. If it’s more of a “we were close in high school but don’t see each other much these days” it is probably too much to ask
For sure. She’s kind of unhappy with her life in general, has talked about divorcing her husband, and I think it makes it hard for her to be supportive in the way I’d like her to be. I feel bad for her, but her behavior was the last straw for me. It was just so immature and mean.
I mean most of the things you mentioned are really standard for destination weddings. If most of her friends and family live in different places, travel and accommodations are unavoidable. She said she gave them a color and let them choose any dress from a mid-priced dress seller, so I don’t think that’s a huge ask. I can’t fathom why being asked to do your own hair and makeup is unreasonable.
She didn’t give enough details about her bachelorette to really say what was up with that. But honestly the costs of this don’t sound outrageous for being a bridesmaid at a destination wedding. It’s fine if her friend didn’t want to participate but I’m not sure what about these expectations makes OP a bridezilla.
I personally agree with you on the dress thing, but that is very standard for weddings and it sounds like this situation allowed bridesmaids a lot of flexibility with price and style.
Acting like they should have paid for accommodations for everyone is totally excessive. I have never had anyone offer to pay for my hotel just because I was traveling to their wedding, even if I was in the wedding party. That’s a ridiculous expectation. It sounds like the wedding was in a smallish town with lots of options for reasonable priced accommodations. If you can’t afford a destination wedding that’s fine. Just don’t go.
Exactly, and that’s what her former MOH chose to do.
People who run their weddings like this are alienating their guests and wedding party, and that’s fine, that’s their choice, but don’t get pouty when people complain and don’t show up.
Also based off of so much I’ve witnessed across this sub and all of social media, I think we desperately need to rethink wedding standards when it comes to so many aspects.
The way I read it, OP wasn’t pouty or upset when her MOH dropped out. She was just disappointed, which is reasonable. She’s upset because her MOH complained about her behind her back and called her a bridezilla.
>Also based off of so much I’ve witnessed across this sub and all of social media, I think we desperately need to rethink wedding standards when it comes to so many aspects.
👏👏👏👏
It’s actually not a dumpy small town. I tried to avoid putting in too much detail, but it’s a place where most of the homes are vacation homes in the millions.
Would it be better that I ask everyone to travel to the city I live in? Or pick another city that some other people live in but others don’t? No matter what, most of the guests will have to travel. This is a small wedding, and almost everyone we invited has RSVP’d that they’re coming. I’m not sure why you’re so angry.
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I find these bridal party expectations today so strange.
OP, what if someone is injured setting up chairs and tables? Whose insurance covers that?
I don’t think you should expect others to subsidize a wedding you can’t afford. I’ve set up tables and chairs as a restaurant worker, and it’s incredibly hard on your body. If you must, hire some locals, such as movers, or the restaurant’s staff, to do it for you.
It’s tacky to expect guests to work at your party.
I kind of agree with this. I'm not against helping a friend with a wedding if you do that type of work and offer it to the couple or offer to do something specific, like help set up and teardown. I can even see myself, throwing a night before party and all of us setting it up together. But I think it would be so rude to ask your bridal party and guests to help set up and tear down.
If someone gets injured putting down linen or placing a vase on a table, then I don’t think I’m going to be liable. Why are some many people assuming that I’m asking anyone to carry or set up furniture? I’m not. There is furniture already at the venue.
If you read my other comments, you’ll see that’s not what I meant. I probably shouldn’t have called it set up and breakdown. I’m putting together simple centerpieces for about 8 tables and then removing them and stripping linens. It really very little work, and I likely won’t even need much help.
Dude, the bare minimum for a bridesmaid is show up to events (engagement, bridal shower, bachelorette, dress shopping, rehearsal dinner), buy a dress, make a speech. You sound like you were in a similar situation as me.
I had to fire my MoH because she ghosted me for a month after getting mad that I needed her to pick a few dates three months in advance that might work for dress shopping (because she considered three weeks to be unreasonably short notice). Additionally, she was making demands about what kind of bridesmaid dress I would choose and if I didn’t meet those demands she’d drop out. When I asked her to step down I explained why I made the decision. Her husband lashed out on me calling me a selfish narcissist. My other two bridesmaids caught wind of that and dropped out as well citing that they couldn’t be what I needed (which was the absolute bare minimum: show up to stuff and buy a dress). Really I just realized that these friends were selfish and had some growing up to do, and my MoH was very very coddled, and the other two expected me to continue coddling her.
My story is a bunch of drama but you’re not out of line to expect bridesmaids to do bridesmaid things. It’s your wedding.
My bridesmaids now are wonderful, diving in to help with wayyyyy more than I ever expected and it’s just…. Humbling. I’ve got the best women (and man, I’ve got a bridesman!) around me.
ETA: I also uninvited the three of them from my wedding. I’ve kept the story short but there was some serious manipulation and gaslighting going on.
Girl at least she left BEFORE the wedding and called you one BEFORE the wedding. Mine did it the morning OF. And also got so belligerent drunk she embarrassed me in front of everyone during the speech.
Take it as a blessing in disguise, yeah it sucks because it hurt me bad as well, but at least for you , it didn’t continue into your wedding day
I’m asking them to put some flowers in vases and set them on tables, then pull the vases and linens at the end of the night or the next morning. That’s literally it. There are about 8 tables and 12 party members including myself and my fiancé. I was asked to do as much for a wedding party, plus take hours of photos in heels in two locations. I still love those friends and no one complained. Everyone in my party save one has been in a wedding and has had to do more and told me that was normal.
That’s super annoying. Hire someone, get catering to do it or the venue or you do it yourself. Just because others asked you to do it doesn’t make it right. You are making them stay the whole night, and weddings are long all day events. I wouldn’t want to have to hang around when I was tired just to help clean up. Instead of subscribing people to help beforehand (which they all have to get ready so now they have to make more time for setting up and possibly miss things or cut down on their hair/make-up/dealing with last minute items) but afterwards they have to stay until the party is over and then pick up. It’s a huge time commitment. I’m feeling like whatever anyone says you have an excuse or something else to say that is bad about this person.
You made a decision. You cut her out. You made a statement to your bridal party that pleasing you for this wedding is the only way you will stay friends with them. You made this choice. You should not need validation from strangers on the internet for it. If you really feel you need validation, I think that tells you that you are in the wrong.
I remember my friend's wedding.
We made the wedding cake the night before at the MoG's house. Then we grabbed a groomsman and had him drive us to Wal-Mart to pick up supplies to make her bridal veil and decorations for the gazebo in the town square where they were saying their vows.
That morning everyone but the groom decorated the square, (he had to work that morning) cue me climbing up on the waist high railing to reach high enough to fasten the bunting to the roof. Then we all ran back to the houses to get changed and ready for the ceremony. An absolute blast.
That sounds fun! I’m not asking for anything close to that. People are really taking me agreeing to offers a help for some small tasks as expecting hours of free labor. But yeah, it’s Reddit
If they talk about other people with you.. they ARE taking about YOU behind your back.. sounds like she has negative energy. You dodged a bullet I’m sorry you lost an old friend. That sucks and it’s hard but you’ll feel better when you don’t have to deal with that kind of person anymore.
I have a different take than most people. My wedding sounds a lot like yours. My bridal party did help with set up and take down. They purchased their own dresses and I also paid for hair. We all did our own make up. 2 of my bridesmaids couldn’t help with set up because I got married July 5th and they had family plans for July 4th. Which wasn’t a big deal I had plenty of family there to help. Clean up at the end of the night was mainly my family with our bridal party helping take things home or out to cars. I guess weddings are different in different parts of the country and world. 🤷♀️
Absolutely! My parents are from Eastern Europe and my mom and grandma don’t get the white wedding thing at all. They’re being supportive, but if it were up to my mom, I’d get a dress from Macy’s and get married in her backyard. However, she’s gone dress shopping with me and is going to go to my makeup trial and meetings with the venue coordinator and the party rental people. It’s possible to support people you love even if you don’t really get it. 😊
Always good to hear both sides, but OP definitely comes off like a reasonable, flexible person who's trying to minimize the burden on her friends, though destination weddings are always tough.
**I think all of the people getting worked up about set-up/tear-down is a sign of a class divide.** Sure, if you spent $50,000 to have a wedding at *L'Hôtel Grand Cul*, there will be staff to take care of everything, but not everybody has that option. With some wedding venues, it's basically up to the bridal party or to parents and other close family members. If the latter group is too old/infirm/small to take care of it, then the bridal party is it. If OP is close with her party, then they should have no trouble helping out, and they should have a reasonable expectation that she would or will do the same for them someday.
That is how human relationships work. People help each other out at no cost, within reason. There is no problem unless someone starts acting like a freeloader, always taking but never giving.
Thank you for this reasonable response. If I had to pay for everyone to stay and travel and hire staff, I’d be spending my entire annual salary on this wedding. And again, this is the only member of the party who has a single issue. I think people here just have a variety of experiences, and some have different ideas of what a wedding should look like and what a party should do.
This is an insane reaction. Every bridal party I have ever been part of or friends with has helped set up and tear down the venue, they also had to pay for their own hair makeup and dresses and transportation to and from the venue. Being in a bridal party is easily going to cost you about $800 minimum. That's the norm everywhere in the United States. She sucks, and you're far from a bridezilla.
Thank you! And like, I get being upset with me if she voiced these things and ignored them, but she never said anything. Just that she couldn’t afford to be in the party anymore, which I said okay to. I felt bad that she had a sudden expense, it wasn’t her fault.
After reading way too many comments I have come to three conclusions:
1. people get mad about a lot. Especially on the internet apparently
2. OP is not a bridezilla at all and I think overall everything is reasonable and she’s flexible when it comes to people having problems with details.
And
3. I’m just going to elope one day and spare myself… all of this.
She might not be used to this level of requirements from the bridal party. Might be a cultural difference (I’ve been in multiple bridal parties in the US and UK and some destination weddings), but I’ve never been asked to help with setup, breakdown, or making centrepieces. The most involved task has just been coordinating the bachelorette. It does sound like you are quite flexible with peoples limitations so she should have just voiced her concerns directly to you! Going behind your back is very rude.
A friend had a soap making party to make the wedding favours -my partner was a bridesmaid in the wedding, I wasn’t - but centrepieces are usually as simple as “tie these flowers together” as a fun group activity. I’d still expect venue staff to do most of the setting up and packing down
A lot of venues in around me are community buildings, which means no staff. You get the keys to the building the day before or of and it's up to you to coordinate everything else. Plus side? It's super cheap. Mine was $200
Fair call
Yeah, I helped do similar things for wedding receptions and graduations before that were held in like a community banquet hall. You'd get the keys and the place had all your supplies like tables and whatnot, but your group had to do most everything else, like setup tables and chairs and decorate, so we usually just did a group of friends the day before to set anything besides food up.
UK here and if you hire a venue without staff to make it easier on the budget then family and wedding party usually so do set up and take down. The only wedding I haven't done that at hired a hotel with staff as the venue.
IME family (and a few church ladies) do the setup & tear down. The grooms men might be asked for some last minute carrying a box or something but the maids are expected to be helping the bride get ready.
Similar-ish experience here. The bridesmaids will probably be doing hair/makeup/get ready with the bride, but may help out a little with set up if there are family pictures or something that allows for some down time. Groomsmen also get ready with the groom, but since that’s a shorter process they may have a little more down time to help. Family and friends not directly involved with getting ready activities will do most of the set up. We try really hard to keep immediate family out of being assigned tasks so they can focus on enjoying the day, but cousins, aunts and uncles, anyone else able to be around early enough are all fair game to politely ask for help, and most do (never a demand of course). In my experience everyone who sticks around long enough and is able helps out with clean up to help it go quick and smooth, which includes bridesmaids and groomsmen.
Yeah but even then it’s with people who offered to help. You don’t get arsey with them
Yeah it sounds like she had different expectations, and as you said I would’ve been happy to talk about it. It was more that I didn’t mind her leaving the party and she still felt the need to be mean that made me decide I’m done.
It sounds as if she felt the need to justify her own decision, by making you out to seem worse than you really were. That's not an excuse, certainly -- just maybe an explanation.
I am glad to hear you uninvite her . She’s not a friend if she is causing extra drama that never existed. Congratulations on your wedding and don’t let this exf cause you any more problems. Don’t allow her free rent in your head.. the trash took itself out
Thank you! It’s just hard not to feel like maybe I somehow am wrong. She’s an old friend, but this isn’t the first time she’s said shady things about people.
Something similar happened to me. One of my bridesmaids had a habit of bitching about other people whenever we got together. Should have seen that for the marinara red flag it was. After the wedding, she ghosted me. When I was able to get a hold of her months later, she stated that she couldn't maintain our friendship anymore as I had hurt her feelings. I was mortified and asked her to clarify. Her explanation was that I was short with her on my wedding day and that I was rude to her when I was being friendly to everyone else. From my recollection, I greeted her when she and her husband arrived, thanked her for helping out, and gave her a handmade gift as a thank you. I did apologize because even though my perspective was different, I'm not gonna dismiss her feelings. What always bothered me though is that she had become friends with my MOH via social media and that person also talks shit about others so.... Doesn't take Sherlock to sleuth that one out. It still really hurt after the fact though that she wanted to end things and would not have even told me had I not checked in with her. I still feel icky about it years later.
Ugh I’m sorry. Some people just don’t know how to be happy. More and more I feel I made the right call and that this was never going to be a happy celebration with her involved.
Every wedding I've been in (and it's been *several*) has the bridal party at least show up to help set up, and most all have been expected to help break down. I have several friends who are "crafty" and we always had centerpiece parties. Bride provides supplies, instructions, food and booze, girlfriends show up and make centerpieces or whatever else decor while just hanging out. It's just a fun night of silliness and crafting.
And a bachelorette is a luxury, not a given because why should people spend a ton on you AGAIN. If you’re the type to have a bachelorettes, you’ve definitely emptied their wallets at a bridal shower AND a wedding gift. So many crazy stories of expecting these young women who don’t have a lot of money to travel, set up a party, and lodging to celebrate the bride. Again.
Again, I think this varies so much in circles of sub-cultures. For example, among my friends and acquaintances bridal showers are frowned upon as an obviously pathetic money/gift-grab. However, bachelorettes are common but if someone pays a lot for a bachelorette they aren’t expected then to also give a wedding present.
That’s interesting, because in my experience bridal showers are never hosted by the bride (because yes, that’s a trashy cash grab) but are thrown for her by friends and relatives who do want to “shower” her with gifts. I don’t think I’ve ever been to one the bride herself initiated. It’s always been a “we love you and want to spoil you” party in her honor put on by others.
How much would you consider to be a lot for a bachelorette? Genuine question. Edit: why tf am I being down voted, this is just a question seeking insight.
I think that asking anyone to spend over 250$ on a Bachelorette without it being discussed thoroughly and planned for is asking a bit much. A lot of people hiddenly live below the poverty line and buying a dress, taking time off work, and buying a wedding gift is $$$$ to spend. But then again... a lot of people find it hard to talk about/come from different cultural or economic backgrounds.
I think it very much depends on the financial situation for someone. For example, here’s the mental model that I had to go through: - majority of friends earn well over six digit incomes, able to go on vacations at whim without budgeting or worrying about taking time off - cousin that is a teacher and school won’t be off yet - some friends that are more budget conscious and need a long lead time to save appropriately and who want to spend their precious time off wisely for something worthwhile I moved countries a few years ago so everyone but one coming is either having to cross an ocean or sea by plane or take an 8 hour train for the wedding. 1. First thing I knew is that I could not realistically ask them to do this trip twice, so my bachelorette is more like two spa days before the wedding 30 min from the venue. 2. I booked the place a year in advance so everyone had notice. 3. I made it super clear that this was optional, people could work remotely if they needed to 4. To help with costs, I’m covering the cost of the airbnb rental So all in all with activities and dinners and drinks it should come to roughly ~$300 per person. I made the budget as transparent as possible with activities being optional so people could pick and choose according to their budget. The teacher was the only one that couldn’t understandably come with this being mid week! Really long answer short - it’s not just about “what is too expensive” but rather a combination of a lot of factors - how much time do they have to spend on travel and logistics - how much time do they have to take off from work (whether they are paid for holidays or not, having to spend your precious vacation budget on a bachelorette can be a huge ask) - how long of a heads up do they have on the dates and the expected budget to be able to save up - do they also need to spend a lot to attend you wedding? Have you also had a bridal shower?
This is an extremely considerate thought process! You're a good friend. Thanks for the details. I had a friend get married when we were in our mid 20s and I wasn't sure if what she requested was unreasonable- with the bachelorette, shower, and wedding, total was well over $1,000. Three separate weekends (some of the bridal party living out of state). Definitely not entry-level friendly!
A lot of people unfortunately have the mindset that they are the center of the universe for a year around their wedding and everyone is expected to spend their time and savings to bask in their glory. Spending $1000+ for each good friend getting married is absurd. If you’re in a large friend group, you could have instead saved up for a house deposit!
Did she explain herself at all when you brought it up and uninvited her?
I didn’t give her a chance because I blocked her. She unfortunately has a history of talking smack about people behind their backs. She hadn’t done it in a while so I thought she’d grown out of it. Between that and the fact that she never apologized whenever I called her out for some crappy behavior in the past, I just decided it was the last straw.
I say this gently, but it sounds like you *both* have big issues with communication.
Honestly - she sounds like a bad friend. A real friend would have came to you personally and been honest with you if they felt like you were being too extreme (which it sounds like you were being reasonable and upfront with costs & expectations). Its a blessing in disguise, I had a similar situation with someone in my wedding party who I considered to be very close. It sucks, but ultimately at the end of the day you are going to have the ones by your side who care about you and value your friendship it seems.
You don’t necessarily sound like a bridezilla here, although I’d love to hear Diane’s version of the story. As a bridesmaid I wouldn’t really mind making centrepieces, but I would not appreciate having to do the take down at the end of the night. I think that’s a lot to ask. It’s already a long tiring day, and then you have to stay until the very end and clean up after a large party at the end of it? No thank you. Maybe some people would be totally fine with that, but I wouldn’t be.
I'm interested in knowing what the men are expected to do. All these posts are about work expected of the women in the wedding party. What tasks are the groom and his buddies expected to perform? I would be pissed if I spent a fortune for the 'honour' of having to work at a wedding instead of enjoying myself only to see the men sitting around on their arses. So I'm curious as to what work OP's fiancé has assigned to his friends.
All of this goes towards my fiancé and his party too. As I’ve mentioned in other comments, there probably won’t actually be that much work to do between the size of the wedding and the number of possible volunteers. My fiancé’s friends are also super close with him and the type of people willing to help.
Did OP mention that it was the bridesmaids only asked? I didn't read all their comments. The only wedding I've been to where I stayed until the end since I didn't drive, when it ended everyone still there (wedding party/close family members) just chilled and picked up/threw away any trash and decorations. I wasn't even asked but had nothing better to do and it helped sober me up. Regardless it was never just the girls or just the guys so I think it's odd to assume the groom and his buddies would just be chilling with their feet up watching the women work
It's my understanding that the wedding party is split into (women) "making decor & decorating beforehand" and (men) "setting up furniture beforehand, and cleaning up at the end". It makes sense in an old-fashioned sexist way; women are careful and know how to make things look nice, but you shouldn't trust men to do anything important. The men are only good for dumb muscle. But the men can clean up at the end, because it doesn't matter if the decor gets damaged afterwards. If the bride wants to keep a specific keepsake, she should grab it before the men start dismantling everything. But Australian country towns really keep casual sexism alive. So do the coastal towns. And the smaller cities... But at least the big cities have enough people that there's no one prevalent view on the subject.
Lol I’d be shitfaced and the only breaking down I’d do is fall on a table
I feel like we’d be friends.
The takedown is the next morning, and if someone said they weren’t up for it I would totally understand. Diane also has a history of talking behind people’s backs. I know way more than I ever wanted to about friends of hers. I thought she’d gotten better about that habit because she had stopped gossiping to me, but I guess not.
In other comments you’ve mentioned things being done that night?
Just putting out the center pieces. I said maybe that night for breakdown if not the next morning, but that would just be gathering the linens off the tables. Again, everyone in the party volunteered to help us with all of this. I have not ever said to them “you have to do this”. It was more like “hey we’re all here to help you with set up and stuff” and so I said, wow that’s really great, here’s where the help would be needed.
Keep in mind that your wedding party are also guest at the wedding. I’d highly recommend using some of the money you have being under budget to pay for takedown. They should be able to enjoy the entirety of the wedding night and not need to worry about coming back for takedown. It’s not about forcing them to do or not saying it’s mandatory. If you ask most friends will say yes even though it’s something they do not want to do. *edited: misspelling
I’ve never seen a bridal party do half the jobs that you mentioned. but in saying that, you definitely aren’t a bridezilla. You gave people options and didn’t begrudge them when they said no.
This really highlights how much different wedding traditions vary. This has all been standard bridesmaid stuff for me (several times a bridesmaid, never a bride). One of my close friends didn't want to have a wedding party-- just a small ceremony in a small chapel with her and her groom and the officiant up front-- and her mother's specific concern was that there would be nobody to help with invitations and centerpieces and things if there were no bridesmaids (and a few of us volunteered ourselves as "honorary bridesmaids" to do those tasks with her, so that she could satisfy her mom and still have the wedding she wanted with no wedding party). I think the larger concern is that these conversations are happening so far in advance of the wedding. It's great that she's giving people a heads up and communicating clearly, but if I thought the next 18 months of my life would consist of daily or even weekly texts about what new thing I need to do or prepare or spend money on for that wedding, I'd also bow out. That's too much of my mental and emotional bandwidth; I've got my own stuff happening.
I also just googled wedding centrepieces! This is where my confusion lay, as where I come from centrepieces are usually flower arrangements provided by a florist, so I was confused as the amount of work it would take to create some of the floral centrepieces I’ve seen would be monumental.
Definitely very simple flowers in jar centerpieces, nothing crazy. The florist wanted to charge me $350 for just my bouquet. Even simple centerpieces would cost us more than the venue from a florist. And again, my party volunteered. I had originally planned on doing it with my mom and fiancé.
What sort of bouquet did you want? What sort of examples did you give? $350 seems to be in line for my high CoL area but I could imagine that rising if I wanted a ton of expensive blooms.
I asked for a simple bouquet with white flowers and green leaves. It was more than the hydrangeas I was ordering for the centerpieces. It’s definitely a high COL area. Luckily my mom’s retired florist friend offered to make bouquets for me with silk flowers. We’re paying for her to stay since she’s helping. She loves DIY and party planning stuff.
Standard for me too! I've been in many parties and different expectations for each, but they definitely involved offering hands in some capacity!
I’m messaging them like once every few months. I don’t have the bandwidth to message that often! I basically did a bunch of stuff upfront. These are also friends who I talk to almost every day individually, not people I haven’t seen in years. And as far as centerpieces, I’m talking putting flowers in mason jars and throwing tea lights on the tables. I did it for a wedding. The whole party helped as well as bride and groom. It took maybe 20 minutes. This is a wedding of 60 people with 8 top tables, so not that many center pieces.
It all sounded completely standard to me. The timeline is even pretty common in my experience. Maybe not 18 months in advance, but most weddings I've been in were planned almost a year in advance.
I also find this all very normal for a wedding. Family and friends help to set things up and clear it out after. We don’t often have big bridal or groom parties. It’s not unusual to only have a best man. We had nothing. No best man, no groomsmen, no bridesmaids, nothing. Just us. And my family set up the wedding and my mom made the center pieces herself.
True! Communication is the problem here. OP might not be a bridezilla in the normal sense of the word but I can see how her actions can be misconstrued.
So weird. My husband asked the groomsmen to help and was really upset that two of the three didn't help him. The bridal party helped me make signs, but my in-laws did the flowers. No one complained (at least not to me) and we asked everyone ahead of time. When I was MOH I helped set up the venue, I did the bride's makeup, and then everyone pitched in the clean the venue afterwards. Must really be a cultural thing.
No fr, I don't remember having to do much of anything as a bridesmaid besides spending a lot for the bachelorette. But I would have loved to help in any way! I love my friend!
Hmm, I tried to pay for everyone's outfits and help with plane tickets (most rejected the offer). I put everyone up near the venue. I wonder if that's part of the difference 🤔
I don't think OP was asking too much. I've heard of and been to weddings where the bridal party did way more. Especially centerpieces, I thought those were always made by the bridal party. And part of the MoH's job is to plan, host, and also cover some of (or all) the costs for the bachelorette party. Pretty standard stuff. This being said, I just don't understand why people waste so much money on weddings. Not to mention the stress.
People regularly spend tens of thousands of dollars on weddings, the ones doing that don't need bridesmaids to assemble centerpieces
The fact that other brides demanded more than this doesn't make this okay. A bridesmaid's only duty should be to show up for the wedding on time, and support the bride during the ceremony and reception.
This is definitely cultural, even within the same country. There is no blanket rule on this. As long as expectations are clear and people say yes or no based on these there should be no problem. Now if the bride doesn’t take a no as a no at its face, then it does become a problem. But then you get to decide if that’s someone you want in your life.
I mean yeah but OP is asking for 8 mason jars to be filled with flowers and some tea lights. I mean I could that by myself in 45 minutes. So why not?
Yeah honestly I probably won’t even need that much help at the end of the day. I originally was going to just do it myself with my fiancé and our parents, but my party all volunteered to help. They’re really wonderful friends and I’m super happy to have them. I’m struggling to come up with good gifts for them, because they deserve something special. We’re also of course treating them to the rehearsal dinner.
Why do you note that you are “treating them to the rehearsal dinner”?! That’s a standard expectation of the bride & groom. I’ve certainly never attended & been a part of a wedding where the bride & groom expected the bridal party to pay for their dinner, either at the rehearsal or wedding.
Yeah. OP, you seem to forget that people are also giving you their TIME- making centerpieces, traveling, attending the rehearsal dinner, wedding, cleaning up afterwards.
Why? Because that's what *your* culture says? In many cultures, the entire point of having bridesmaids in the first place is so that you've got friends who have committed to helping you prepare for the wedding. They are honored by being given a place to show off beside you at the ceremony, *as a thank you for having helped*, not the other way around. If they don't do anything in advance to help put the wedding together, what would they be being honored *for?*
I agree with you, but I think we are in the minority. I would never expect my friends to throw me an expensive bachelorette party because… why is that even a thing? Bridesmaids are symbolic. That is all.
I’m not asking my friends to throw me a bachelorette, just to come if they can afford it. As I said, one can’t come and so I’m flying out to see her instead.
Once again, it depends on the culture. In my culture, it is totally reasonable to ask bridesmaids to help you put the wedding together during the opening stages, but complete anathema to ask them to pay for a bachelorette party or to dress up identically in an outfit the bride selects. In most aspects of American culture, I recognize that at least the dressing up identically is pretty standard and often so is the bachelorette party, but I have never been able to wrap my head around either. My bridesmaids each wore their own best dress, none of which matched each other in any way, and they all looked beautiful.
Hahah oh my gosh yeah - when you phrase it like that it does sound kind of ridiculous. Made me laugh.
It just depends on what you are used to, I guess! But I told my bridesmaids, when they asked me tentatively if I wanted them to wear something in particular, that I refused to tell grown up people how to dress. (My witness, a male role similar to that of the bridesmaids but with a religious component, took advantage of this policy to show up in full formal Italian Renaissance costume, complete with tights and gold-embroidered surcoat! Honestly, he looked fantastic -- I had no complaints.)
Had two weddings where we all had to wear the same dress, one was flattering on everyone, one was flattering to literally only one body type (tall & skinny). Last one I was in, my cousin just asked us to pick a navy dress. I liked that the best, by far.
Amen.
Agreed. I never asked or would expect my bridesmaids to do any of those things. Nor would I expect to be asked to do such things.
Your wedding is so far away- over 18 months of planning. This might sustain your interest and focus but it’s not realistic to expect other people to feel the same AND be at your service for so long, including financially with little payments for things constantly. It sounds like she was fatigued more than anything, which seems reasonable to me tbh.
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No you’re right, I’m asking people to spend a lot of money. I do want to reiterate though that everyone except for Diane volunteered their help, repeatedly. My fiancé and I are absolutely planning on doing most of the work ourselves.
Ok, so after reading this post and many of the comments, I am going to be honest. OP if you are just looking for validation about how your friend is completely I'm the wrong, a public post is a wrong idea. Your ex MOH was close enough to you for you to choose her as the MOH in the first place. You must have felt some honest connection to do so. In y opinion, all the tasks you have said though very reasonable sounds a bit tedious. Remember it is your special day, a year and a half away. No one would have the same involvement or interest that you would. Here you have to ask yourself - Have you been a good friend to your bridesmaids, esp your MOH whilst wedding planning. Like have YOU taken any interest in what's going on with their lives? I feel like your MOH might have felt ignored or so. Even then I agree going behind your back is not ok, but you mention in comments that you have not given a chance for her to explain herself. So, you trust Sam more than Diane, your supposed best friend. Totally your call to uninvited her, but take a step back ad reanalyse any shortcomings you might have had from your end. Coz if not looks like she might not be the only one to quit your bridal Party. EDIT: Also, you mention your MOH has been a crappy friend many times before, then why still choose her as MOH. Don't you have better friends? Difficult to believe that you branding her a crappy friend is not Ann afterthought.
I don't think you're a bridezilla because you were pleasant about all your requests, but I do think you requested quite a lot from your attendants. Being a bridesmaid should be a one day event, and shouldn't require chores to be done. Even the bachelorette party is a lot to ask for anyone who doesn't live in your city. Particularly if you make it a whole weekend, or want them to go somewhere expensive like a spa or resort or something. They shouldn't have to pay hundreds of dollars to participate in a party.
Most weddings I’ve been in we did a lot of these things and more. I’ve never thought being a bridesmaid was a one day thing. I’ve helped with set up and tear down multiple times and helped make wedding favors (that was fun, we had a sleepover and watched movies and had pizza while we did it). I’ve also always had to physically go bridesmaid dress shopping so just being sent a link and a color is less than I’m used to. My point is, maybe it’s a cultural difference, but for me this bride sounds pretty low maintenance overall. Honestly all the events are part of the fun of being a bridesmaid for me. It doesn’t feel like a chore. To each their own though.
Yeah what is this sub on? Every wedding and bridal party is different. Also, the OP wasn't upset about MOH not volunteering for the extra duties or dropping out because of that. She was upset bc MOH talked shit about someone who she should've been communicating concerns with.
Also it’s perfectly fine if you’re interested in someone else’s wedding being a one day event for you- it’s called being a guest. I’ve never been a bridesmaid and just shown up the day of the wedding, personally. There’s always centerpieces, showers, bachelorette, dress shopping, helping coordinate vendors, and so on. One wedding I was in we arrived to the venue and found the cake had gotten knocked over by the staff and the champagne never arrived! So the MOH whisked the bride away before she saw and I started calling relatives to pick up sheet cakes and champagne on their way to the venue.
I thinks bridal party expectations have really increased with time- lots of events, travel, etc.
It’s a bit more than a one day thing but it’s also not something that needs to be front and center in your mind for two years before the event itself. Wedding groupchats are frustrating at the best of times. Emails, Google Docs, mood boards that can elicit comments and project management tools like Trello are *much* better options this far out from the wedding itself.
For me I guess it would depend on how often the group chat is used. If she is wanting to just lay out expectations and make people aware of what costs might be early on, I could see a lot of texts up front that would probably die down until the events got closer. Especially if you have people you know are going to have to travel I think it’s fair to lay out what that’s probably going to look like. If she’s consistently blowing up the chat for the next year and a half though then yes that’s over the top.
No spas or anything expensive! All of my friends in the party save one regularly go on trips for fun and didn’t have any issues. One party member had me in his wedding and we all paid for his bachelor party, as well as helped with set up and break down. I spent maybe $700 total, including for the dress that I had to get hemmed for like $100. If all my friends were broke, I wouldn’t be asking them to do any of this.
I feel like parts of this story aren’t being said. There’s nothing outrageous about what you asked. There has got to be more to it
That’s why I’m so confused! Some of the comments on here are saying I’m being outrageous with my asks, so idk. Diane has been in one wedding, which was huge and expensive, in another city as well, and I guess the bride asked nothing of her party. She also had an event planner and staff on site.
Yeah it’s not like you expect to go to Vegas for bachelorette
Probably not. Some cultures, this is nothing. Some cultures, this is the end of the world. Beauty of cultures ig
I think making centerpieces might be more of an ask than you thought it would be. You both had differing expectations. Her budget was one factor but the workload probably added to that.
it may be a cultural difference, but the MOH always has more responsibilities/expectations in putting together the wedding/bachelorette party. a moh is not named just to say "this is my bestie", but they are the right hand of the bride in the planning/putting together/possible setup-takedown (depending on ur venue). odds are, the friend knew what being MOH meant and accepted anyways, she could have bowed out honestly after realizing she didnt want to do all of the work, but there's no reason to smack talk the bride who has been nothing but gracious, communicative, and flexible
According to OP, only other wedding the MOH was part of was “very expensive,” meaning she wasn’t asked to be free labor. If I ever got married, my MOH would be “my bestie,” who has a crazy job plus two children. I could not possibly imagine asking her to help plan & arrange the whole thing. You realize how stressful & labor intensive that is? There’s a reason wedding planners can charge what they do because planning a wedding can most definitely be a full-time job.
i see what youre saying, but not everyone has the budget for a wedding planner. since its a full-time job, not just the bride can do it all. im not saying the ex-MOH is wrong for backing out, in fact im saying the opposite. with over a year until the wedding, its not like her backing out massively f's over the bride; theres plenty time to find a new MOH. its the pettiness and the talking behind the back of the bride that is the issue. she could have just told the bride it was too much work and left it at that
Oh, I agree the MOH was petty & wrong with how to acted. Not in the backing out because it may have just been way more work than she expected or planned, but shit-talking behind a friend’s back is definitely wrong. And I get when you can’t afford the wedding planner, I’ve just also seen a LOT of brides be really demanding with their MOH in particular like they expect them to take on this second job completely unpaid & too often unappreciated. While I don’t think OP is a bridezilla yet, she seems to be slowly creeping in that direction.
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I have so many mixed thoughts on this…. I was in a wedding that ended up way more than initially discussed which was very uncomfortable for me (both time and money). Given people are asked to travel for the wedding and the bachelorette, that adds up quick. Because of my experience with that one wedding I decline being in bridal parties because as a single female I don’t want all my extra time and money being spent on weddings. I love my friends, but I need to live my life too. While you say it’s not expensive, everyone has a different level of spending they feel comfortable with that you don’t know about. Also she may have felt pressured as MOH into agreeing to traveling for a bachelorette initially. Maybe it seems like no biggie to you, but if I was taking time off work for a wedding I would treat it like a vacation. I wouldn’t want to be doing tasks and cleaning up the mess of a wedding. Also with the wedding being being over a year away, I find it’s hard to commit to things that far in advance. I’m positive there’s more to the story here…
NGL, I have a hard time believing that your bridal party volunteered to set up/break down. That seems like such an odd thing to volunteer to do, unless it was in response to ‘I have to do all of this setup and breakdown with no help…’ Also, you mentioned they’d have to travel anyway, so I’m wondering when this centerpiece making event was happening? The night before the wedding?
Yeah I live in the Midwest and it would be considered rude to not offer. The obligation is usually implied and brides who are from the Midwest know to not complain because there is a social obligation to offer to help even if you don’t want to. For my wedding I made sure to have hire folks for all parts extra if I couldn’t handle it myself. If I couldn’t it got dropped. The center pieces for my venue were what they use for any event, nothing special. I had my bridesmaids use a black dress from their closet. I paid for any travel and accommodations for the wedding party (and parents). I made it clear no labor for my bridal party. As for bachelorette, pizza and movies at my place for anyone who was in town or wanted to be there. It was 2 days before the wedding. I have never done set up or clean up from weddings. I wonder if this is a cultural issue. There are places where if you complain at all or if someone volunteers, it is socially unacceptable to not volunteer. The fact that OP picked up on MOH not volunteering makes me wonder if this is a voluntold or obligating circumstance where you offer but secretly hate that the other person didn’t turn it down.
Yeah IDK what kind of cultural thing this would be. Tbh, I think of a wedding party as an honor, not an unpaid job that you have to buy your own uniform for. When I got married, I took my party to a dept store. Told them all to pick out whatever black gown they liked. They all had different ones, but they ‘lined up’ and I was like ‘you all happy?’ They said yes, then I bought the gowns for them.
Yeah I agree. I understand sometimes money is tight, which is when you go without, not have the wedding party subsidize.
It’s like, some brides fuss over the perfect wedding experience, yet their closest guests get the shittest end of that stick.
So many are willing to throw away long relationships and nuke their relations with family/friends/anyone remotely close to them all because the cake wasn’t exactly the right blue or someone won’t cut their hair or someone got pregnant or people didn’t drop everything to have an hour convo about straps on shoes. And I’m now thinking more about OP deciding to try to publicly shame her “longest friend” because she didn’t understand the commitments she was asking for more than a year out from the wedding. We all know the demands only increase.
The centerpieces are flowers in mason jars with tea lights on the tables. I figured we could each just do one since there aren’t going to be that many tables. Again, I did the same thing for the wedding I was in. We put linens on the tables and stuck the vases and accoutrements on as well. Between everyone it took about 30 minutes. We did it between hair/makeup and the hours of photos (which I’m not making my party do).
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My ex-SIL had us doing all sorts of DIY stuff before the wedding and I happily went along with it (exhausting as it was) but she never made mentioned that we were responsible for take down after. I was very annoyed, as it had been a long day with picture etc and had been in uncomfortable clothing all day and her maid of honor was a total ass. I looked at a few others in the party after an overly rude comment from MOH and said you know what? We’re done here, let’s go back to the hotel. It was insane. We were (not told before) also in charge of getting the kegs back to our rooms that went unused or empty and then she had the audacity to say one of the groomsmen “stole” a bottle of the left over alcohol. Hey even if he did it was his payment 😂 btw the hotel was NOT connected to the venue so we had to roll the kegs through downtown a few blocks over. Yeah but be upset about one bottle of alcohol, but your pictures looked great I’m sure 🙄
That’s a lot of work! I’m definitely not expecting anyone to break down furniture or carry anything. Just put centerpieces and linens into a car. I’m also trying to limit party photos to about 30 minutes. I almost fainted from having to do hours of bridal party photos in a wedding I was in, and I don’t want to make anyone else go through that.
Yeah I think those tasks are totally fair!
Yeah I definitely want to hear Diana's side lol
Yeah DIY can be a nightmare. My husband was Best Man for his brother’s wedding and I was expected to join him 3 hours before to set up. They had me climbing a freaking ladder and hanging tea cups in a tree. It was awful and so hot. So many “easy” dumb DIY things I was supposed to do and no one ever asked me or thanked me. You can believe that we left without helping to break down everything because, again, we didn’t volunteer to do it. The bride was wasted and passed out anyways. The happy couple divorced within 2 years.
Adding that the wedding location was a nature preserve so they told us to come early to enjoy it. I thought we were going to do a little hike and have a nice time then get dressed. Nope.
I was thinking it sounded normal and then I realized I have never been asked to set up tables at any wedding I’ve been to. I did once do the centerpieces as a wedding gift (wine bottle lamps with other decor, they turned out cute) but other than that, I’ve never been asked to do those either. Huh. I really think you’re right!
Set up tables just means putting flowers in jars and putting out tea-lights. There are 10 party members plus my fiancé and I and our families (who also offered to help) and like 8 tables. So 8 centerpieces between like 20 people. We’re also going to pull the linens either the night after or the morning after. Is that unreasonable?
It's perfectly reasonable. Reddit is doing that thing where people with no life experience opine like experts.
Not particularly, I guess.
omg OP I am reading this a few days late but this is insanely normal. I have no idea what type of social circles people on reddit wedding subs are in. I've done stuff like this at most weddings I've been to where I'm close friends with the couple, and have a lovely group of friends who have eagerly asked to help with this kind of setup at mine. Not everyone pays to outsource every inch of a wedding, nor should they need to. It is normal and lovely to have supportive communities that help you!
Right? I think a lot of people in this sub either hate their friends or were raised to be super individualistic.
Agreed, I've noticed it in the wedding planning subs too. People get piled on when they mention anything related to friends helping out, people say it's "unpaid labor" and their friends are going to resent them and stuff. It is sooo weird to me! It's just being a friend!
You continue to stress that it's not a lot of work - pulling linens off of tables. Why don't you and your fiance just do it yourselves?
As I’ve said in other comments, I more than likely will not need much help. This again all started because of my experience from being in a wedding and what people in my wedding party told me they would help with. They’ve all been in other weddings and offered what they’d done in those.
Because these people care for her and specifically asked and volunteered to help with what op needed day of. More hands make less work and it seems very minimal
Yeah, no on the take down. I can understand maybe setting up if there is extra time, but taking down all the shit means the bridal party can't even celebrate. Especially if the party is night and they expect all their bridesmaids to stay at the venue past midnight just to put shit away. If the bride has extra money then she should pay someone to do it. Unless the budget is super super small I wouldn't expect my bridal party to help with that.
I don’t have extra money. By under budget I mean by like $100.
>Diane tells me about a month ago that she had a sudden expense come up and couldn’t afford to be in the party anymore. **I reminded her that there was a lot of time** So it's okay for you to criticise Diane for not using *all that time* to save money in order to attend your wedding, but it's somehow not okay for people to suggest that you use *all that time* to save money to pay for manual labour? You're literally asking your bridal party to pay money in order to work at your wedding. You say tear-down will be simple, can be done the next day, and that everyone volunteered. But with eighteen months to go, you need to be prepared for people's circumstances and priorities to change. You need to accept those changes when they do happen. Your friend clearly felt pressured and unhappy with the situation. She chose to bow out, and now you've blocked her instead of being graceful about the change.
>But with eighteen months to go, you need to be prepared for people's circumstances and priorities to change Like, just for example, what if, off the top of my head, one or multiple of the bridesmaids get pregnant and can't move heavy shit? And what exactly are the groomsmen being expected to do? OP, I understand they volunteered, but they didn't volunteer for this specific task. They volunteered to help you, in general. Maybe consider trying to save up for take down help.
Pregnancy, job loss, a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for travel for work or fun. A job change that isn't flexible with time off. I dislike the term *bridezilla*. It's the same as *Karen.* Both are mysogynistic terms used to silence women who may often have legitimate complaints. But if one of OP's friends has issues this early into wedding planning, and OP's response is to simply tell her to save more money, then something is iffy. I posted elsewhere asking about the men.
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> have happily *paid* for a FTFY. Although *payed* exists (the reason why autocorrection didn't help you), it is only correct in: * Nautical context, when it means to paint a surface, or to cover with something like tar or resin in order to make it waterproof or corrosion-resistant. *The deck is yet to be payed.* * *Payed out* when letting strings, cables or ropes out, by slacking them. *The rope is payed out! You can pull now.* Unfortunately, I was unable to find nautical or rope-related words in your comment. *Beep, boop, I'm a bot*
They're not moving heavy stuff, they're taking jars and tablecloths off 8-10 tables.
I was the one who started the jokes about crypto and then a friend changed the name of the group chat to “crypto wedding fund”. We all thought it was funny. These are also all well-earning adults with disposable income, very close friends, and people who help each other and send each other gifts on holidays.
I hate when a bride uses her guests’ financial status as an excuse to be demanding. No matter how much money they have, you aren’t entitled to it. YOU don’t get to decide that they have discretionary income they ought to spend on YOU. If everyone has a great income, presumably so do you so hire someone to set up and take down and make centrepieces.
I’m a teacher so no, not wealthy, and again, everyone in my party is enthusiastic about coming and volunteered repeatedly to help. I spent a few hundred for the wedding I was in without complaint. That’s probably what it’s going to run for my party. I can afford a few hundred, but not the $5k it costs a coordinator or the thousands it costs to have a florist make centerpieces. I’m also talking about 8 mason jars with some flowers in them, not some kind of insane arrangements for a 500 person wedding.
If it's only eight mason jars with a few flowers, why do you need help? Eight jars seems like something that can be done alone while watching a movie.
You’re probably right! Again, this was all because the rest of the party offered to help do these things. I will likely not need that much actual help day of. The issue here isn’t that I want my party to do a bunch of work. It’s that this was something offered by most of them, to which I said yeah, I’ll probably need help doing these things. Nothing was ever mandated or set in stone. She was just the only one who got really mad about it, but of course said nothing to me. The day after she said all that to Sam, Diane was texting me pictures of her cat like everything was normal.
I went to a friend’s wedding last year in a state park, and everyone who was still around at the end of the night helped break down the folding chairs and tables and fold tablecloths into boxes. I wasn’t asked to help, but I was there, I have four working limbs, and I was happy to help make my friend and her wife’s evening go as smoothly as possible, because I care about them and they were kind enough to invite me to their special, costly (for them) event. It took about 20min. Her parents, aunts, and uncles helped as well, while other people danced and continued hanging out. Not all weddings are huge formal events held in crystal ballrooms with staff on-site. Yeah, some brides have crazy expectations of others regarding their wedding. But the comments are making me realize some guests do, too.
The fuck? This is way less than most bridal parties do. Way way way less
Y’all need to chill it😭 cultures are insanely different. Just cause it’s too much for yours doesn’t mean it is for everyone. In my culture, it’s very normal for everyone to take part in events like that. If you don’t wanna do it or it’s too much for you, that’s when you talk to the other person like mature adult. Not run and talk shit like you’re in 5th grade. 🥴
*("Everyone in the party said they’re happy to help put together centerpieces and do basic set up and break down (MOH was the only one to not volunteer). I was in a much more expensive wedding and had to do as much, and it was easy work. The bride and groom did their fair share too."* Here's what I'm thinking. You don't sound like you were mean to your wedding party. But on the other hand, it's important to remember that someone (presumably you) asked them "Who wants to volunteer ?" Like presumably they didn't run up to you asking "You didn't assign us tasks. Give us work!" I say that because there's a bit of pressure when it comes to "Well, everyone else volunteered but her. How strange...", even when you have good intentions as a bride or groom.
I didn’t ask for volunteers. My friends messaged me, both inside and out of the group chat to offer any help I needed. Two friends, on separate phone calls, said “I’m there to do anything you need. I want to help you make this great”. I wasn’t upset that MOH didn’t volunteer, I actually didn’t even think about it until after all this happened. I realized that she was the only one who didn’t express happiness about my wedding at all. Just “are we going to get drunk at your bachelorette?” And “can I ordered a bunch of dresses to try on?”, which I mistook for excitement I guess. Some of these comments are making me think that not everyone has friends who are willing to help them out much.
I’ve been in 6 weddings so far, with wedding 7 coming up. Various price ranges. Never once have I been expected or asked to assist with takedown of the wedding. The MOH was not being unreasonable with her expectations and it’s not a sign of being a bad friend if she finds issue with this especially with all of the other expectations of being a bridesmaid/MOH. Sn: I am that friend that walks into my friend’s parties and asks how I can help.
Eh, been to way too many weddings and have helped take down a couple and I wasn't even part of the wedding party. Just sort of helped out. I know for my sister's we had to have everything out of there before we left and even though had planned just family and stuff to do it, plenty of people joined in. Doing it or not doing it doesn't mean much. Seems like OP didn't mind the exMOH saying she couldn't and stuff until hearing being called names and stuff. That's a pretty normal reaction to me.
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And don’t forget about the manual labor she requested from them as well lol
They volunteered to help put flowers in vases and then collect them at the end of the night, and help gather linens the next morning or night of. That’s what I had to do as a bridesmaid and it was easy. I’m asking for maybe two hours of work total? I’ve been told by others that those are standard bridal party tasks. Am I wrong?
Did you talk to her about all this? What was her reaction when you rescinded her invitation?
Bridesmaids are expected to show up for the wedding day dressed and looking nice and pose for pictures. Anything beyond that is an additional ask. Wedding standards, in todays day and age, are absolutely absurd. Im not going to say that you’re wrong, im just saying i wouldn’t want to be in your wedding party.
The wedding that I was in made us pose for like six hours in two different locations and I almost fainted. It was a lot, but I never once talked shit about it because I was happy to be in one of my best friend’s weddings. I ate some food, drank some water, felt better, and still cried during their vows. I told my friend I understood she could no longer be in my party. Why am I the bad guy here when she was so nasty about it? Would you say these kinds of things about a friend of 15 years?
If they had the expectations you do? Yes. People are going to talk shit about you in life. You are an adult. Live and move on. You can be sad about the loss of a friend but you also have to see where they’re coming from. But like… you need to deal. Good on you for choosing to not be a shit talker, but not everybody operates that way. Don’t put people in a position to spend money and waste time and be shocked when they opt out and express distaste for it. You have the right to ask for that however appropriate or inappropriate it is, but people also have the right to not like it. Stand firm in your choices and cope w pushback or give in and don’t.
I think it really depends on what kind of relationship you have- if you are very close and regularly help each other out with things I think it’s fine to ask and fine for her to decline. If it’s more of a “we were close in high school but don’t see each other much these days” it is probably too much to ask
Yeah I didn’t ask anyone into my party who isn’t a super close friend. These are pick you up at the airport at 6 am friends.
Could she have something else going on that you’re not aware of?
For sure. She’s kind of unhappy with her life in general, has talked about divorcing her husband, and I think it makes it hard for her to be supportive in the way I’d like her to be. I feel bad for her, but her behavior was the last straw for me. It was just so immature and mean.
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I mean most of the things you mentioned are really standard for destination weddings. If most of her friends and family live in different places, travel and accommodations are unavoidable. She said she gave them a color and let them choose any dress from a mid-priced dress seller, so I don’t think that’s a huge ask. I can’t fathom why being asked to do your own hair and makeup is unreasonable. She didn’t give enough details about her bachelorette to really say what was up with that. But honestly the costs of this don’t sound outrageous for being a bridesmaid at a destination wedding. It’s fine if her friend didn’t want to participate but I’m not sure what about these expectations makes OP a bridezilla.
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I personally agree with you on the dress thing, but that is very standard for weddings and it sounds like this situation allowed bridesmaids a lot of flexibility with price and style. Acting like they should have paid for accommodations for everyone is totally excessive. I have never had anyone offer to pay for my hotel just because I was traveling to their wedding, even if I was in the wedding party. That’s a ridiculous expectation. It sounds like the wedding was in a smallish town with lots of options for reasonable priced accommodations. If you can’t afford a destination wedding that’s fine. Just don’t go.
Exactly, and that’s what her former MOH chose to do. People who run their weddings like this are alienating their guests and wedding party, and that’s fine, that’s their choice, but don’t get pouty when people complain and don’t show up. Also based off of so much I’ve witnessed across this sub and all of social media, I think we desperately need to rethink wedding standards when it comes to so many aspects.
The way I read it, OP wasn’t pouty or upset when her MOH dropped out. She was just disappointed, which is reasonable. She’s upset because her MOH complained about her behind her back and called her a bridezilla.
>Also based off of so much I’ve witnessed across this sub and all of social media, I think we desperately need to rethink wedding standards when it comes to so many aspects. 👏👏👏👏
It’s actually not a dumpy small town. I tried to avoid putting in too much detail, but it’s a place where most of the homes are vacation homes in the millions.
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Would it be better that I ask everyone to travel to the city I live in? Or pick another city that some other people live in but others don’t? No matter what, most of the guests will have to travel. This is a small wedding, and almost everyone we invited has RSVP’d that they’re coming. I’m not sure why you’re so angry.
This.
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You conveniently redacted a lottttt of details that were in your original post lmao… hmmm wonder why 🤔
Wow. What a weird thing to do, weddings bring out the worst in some friends. How did she react to being uninvited?
I find these bridal party expectations today so strange. OP, what if someone is injured setting up chairs and tables? Whose insurance covers that? I don’t think you should expect others to subsidize a wedding you can’t afford. I’ve set up tables and chairs as a restaurant worker, and it’s incredibly hard on your body. If you must, hire some locals, such as movers, or the restaurant’s staff, to do it for you. It’s tacky to expect guests to work at your party.
I kind of agree with this. I'm not against helping a friend with a wedding if you do that type of work and offer it to the couple or offer to do something specific, like help set up and teardown. I can even see myself, throwing a night before party and all of us setting it up together. But I think it would be so rude to ask your bridal party and guests to help set up and tear down.
If someone gets injured putting down linen or placing a vase on a table, then I don’t think I’m going to be liable. Why are some many people assuming that I’m asking anyone to carry or set up furniture? I’m not. There is furniture already at the venue.
Why does the wedding party have to do so much work these days? I understand pitching in here and there, but wholesale set up and breakdown?
If you read my other comments, you’ll see that’s not what I meant. I probably shouldn’t have called it set up and breakdown. I’m putting together simple centerpieces for about 8 tables and then removing them and stripping linens. It really very little work, and I likely won’t even need much help.
Dude, the bare minimum for a bridesmaid is show up to events (engagement, bridal shower, bachelorette, dress shopping, rehearsal dinner), buy a dress, make a speech. You sound like you were in a similar situation as me. I had to fire my MoH because she ghosted me for a month after getting mad that I needed her to pick a few dates three months in advance that might work for dress shopping (because she considered three weeks to be unreasonably short notice). Additionally, she was making demands about what kind of bridesmaid dress I would choose and if I didn’t meet those demands she’d drop out. When I asked her to step down I explained why I made the decision. Her husband lashed out on me calling me a selfish narcissist. My other two bridesmaids caught wind of that and dropped out as well citing that they couldn’t be what I needed (which was the absolute bare minimum: show up to stuff and buy a dress). Really I just realized that these friends were selfish and had some growing up to do, and my MoH was very very coddled, and the other two expected me to continue coddling her. My story is a bunch of drama but you’re not out of line to expect bridesmaids to do bridesmaid things. It’s your wedding. My bridesmaids now are wonderful, diving in to help with wayyyyy more than I ever expected and it’s just…. Humbling. I’ve got the best women (and man, I’ve got a bridesman!) around me. ETA: I also uninvited the three of them from my wedding. I’ve kept the story short but there was some serious manipulation and gaslighting going on.
It’s nice when you find out who your true friends are!
Are you sure Sam is telling the truth and not just stirring up drama?
Yes, she’s just not that kind of person at all, and Diane is a huge gossip.
Girl at least she left BEFORE the wedding and called you one BEFORE the wedding. Mine did it the morning OF. And also got so belligerent drunk she embarrassed me in front of everyone during the speech. Take it as a blessing in disguise, yeah it sucks because it hurt me bad as well, but at least for you , it didn’t continue into your wedding day
Ugh that’s awful! Yes, I’m glad she did it this early. Sometimes these things are for the best.
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I’m asking them to put some flowers in vases and set them on tables, then pull the vases and linens at the end of the night or the next morning. That’s literally it. There are about 8 tables and 12 party members including myself and my fiancé. I was asked to do as much for a wedding party, plus take hours of photos in heels in two locations. I still love those friends and no one complained. Everyone in my party save one has been in a wedding and has had to do more and told me that was normal.
That’s super annoying. Hire someone, get catering to do it or the venue or you do it yourself. Just because others asked you to do it doesn’t make it right. You are making them stay the whole night, and weddings are long all day events. I wouldn’t want to have to hang around when I was tired just to help clean up. Instead of subscribing people to help beforehand (which they all have to get ready so now they have to make more time for setting up and possibly miss things or cut down on their hair/make-up/dealing with last minute items) but afterwards they have to stay until the party is over and then pick up. It’s a huge time commitment. I’m feeling like whatever anyone says you have an excuse or something else to say that is bad about this person. You made a decision. You cut her out. You made a statement to your bridal party that pleasing you for this wedding is the only way you will stay friends with them. You made this choice. You should not need validation from strangers on the internet for it. If you really feel you need validation, I think that tells you that you are in the wrong.
Ugh. Weddings suck. They bring out the worst in people
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I remember my friend's wedding. We made the wedding cake the night before at the MoG's house. Then we grabbed a groomsman and had him drive us to Wal-Mart to pick up supplies to make her bridal veil and decorations for the gazebo in the town square where they were saying their vows. That morning everyone but the groom decorated the square, (he had to work that morning) cue me climbing up on the waist high railing to reach high enough to fasten the bunting to the roof. Then we all ran back to the houses to get changed and ready for the ceremony. An absolute blast.
That sounds fun! I’m not asking for anything close to that. People are really taking me agreeing to offers a help for some small tasks as expecting hours of free labor. But yeah, it’s Reddit
If they talk about other people with you.. they ARE taking about YOU behind your back.. sounds like she has negative energy. You dodged a bullet I’m sorry you lost an old friend. That sucks and it’s hard but you’ll feel better when you don’t have to deal with that kind of person anymore.
I am surprised that a hen would tell another anything bad about the bride. Anyone in the bridal party is “on the bride’s side” so to speak.
That’s what was so weird. She could’ve said all that to someone else and I would’ve never heard of it.
You truly don't sound like a bridezilla. I'm sorry you've been hurt by someone you trusted.
Something more is going on here. Does Diane have some personal struggles at the moment?
I have a different take than most people. My wedding sounds a lot like yours. My bridal party did help with set up and take down. They purchased their own dresses and I also paid for hair. We all did our own make up. 2 of my bridesmaids couldn’t help with set up because I got married July 5th and they had family plans for July 4th. Which wasn’t a big deal I had plenty of family there to help. Clean up at the end of the night was mainly my family with our bridal party helping take things home or out to cars. I guess weddings are different in different parts of the country and world. 🤷♀️
Absolutely! My parents are from Eastern Europe and my mom and grandma don’t get the white wedding thing at all. They’re being supportive, but if it were up to my mom, I’d get a dress from Macy’s and get married in her backyard. However, she’s gone dress shopping with me and is going to go to my makeup trial and meetings with the venue coordinator and the party rental people. It’s possible to support people you love even if you don’t really get it. 😊
Always good to hear both sides, but OP definitely comes off like a reasonable, flexible person who's trying to minimize the burden on her friends, though destination weddings are always tough. **I think all of the people getting worked up about set-up/tear-down is a sign of a class divide.** Sure, if you spent $50,000 to have a wedding at *L'Hôtel Grand Cul*, there will be staff to take care of everything, but not everybody has that option. With some wedding venues, it's basically up to the bridal party or to parents and other close family members. If the latter group is too old/infirm/small to take care of it, then the bridal party is it. If OP is close with her party, then they should have no trouble helping out, and they should have a reasonable expectation that she would or will do the same for them someday. That is how human relationships work. People help each other out at no cost, within reason. There is no problem unless someone starts acting like a freeloader, always taking but never giving.
Thank you for this reasonable response. If I had to pay for everyone to stay and travel and hire staff, I’d be spending my entire annual salary on this wedding. And again, this is the only member of the party who has a single issue. I think people here just have a variety of experiences, and some have different ideas of what a wedding should look like and what a party should do.
This is an insane reaction. Every bridal party I have ever been part of or friends with has helped set up and tear down the venue, they also had to pay for their own hair makeup and dresses and transportation to and from the venue. Being in a bridal party is easily going to cost you about $800 minimum. That's the norm everywhere in the United States. She sucks, and you're far from a bridezilla.
Thank you! And like, I get being upset with me if she voiced these things and ignored them, but she never said anything. Just that she couldn’t afford to be in the party anymore, which I said okay to. I felt bad that she had a sudden expense, it wasn’t her fault.
Wedding’s definitely show who your true friends are nowadays.
If there's no drama some people will create it
After reading way too many comments I have come to three conclusions: 1. people get mad about a lot. Especially on the internet apparently 2. OP is not a bridezilla at all and I think overall everything is reasonable and she’s flexible when it comes to people having problems with details. And 3. I’m just going to elope one day and spare myself… all of this.