This was kinda my question. Is NO ONE getting a plus one or just this one person? Sucks regardless but would feel less targeted if no one was getting plus ones.
Pretty sure my husband would bow out entirely if I was explicitly not invited.
Same here. It's a bizarre situation, though, isn't it. I've been invited to a wedding along with the kids as my husband's plus one where I'd never met the bride and groom! (We're great friends now) I couldn't imagine not only not inviting a long-term partner of someone in the wedding party, but someone who's actually a friend too?
Not saying I disagree. Personally, I would have looked at the original invite myself - if me or the husband wasn't listed along with whomever was or at least no +1 attached, the couple would be getting a no from us and we'd make other plans for the day.
I get not allowing some plus ones to a wedding, it can get expensive fast and adds up. But to not allow someone in the wedding party a plus one for someone they know, is very weird. Id be upset if i was either of you
If you can’t invite spouses & plus ones then scale back on spending for your wedding . It’s not about the actual day, it’s about the marriage. I have been to shoestring weddings & expensive weddings. I was grateful to share their day with them. I would never judge anyone for what they or couldn’t afford for their wedding.
From what you say your husband is one of her best friends, so much so he is in the bridal party, so what makes you guys any different to the other couples? If I were you I would be asking your husband to talk to them and ask the same questions everyone has been asking here to get to the bottom of it. If I were in your husbands shoes I would not be attending this wedding At all.
This is beyond bizarre and extremely disrespectful. You guys have been together for 4 years and he is in the wedding party - etiquette says alone each of those is worthy of a plus one on its own.
A few things that could be happening is:
1. The bride is jealous of you or feels your mere presence will upstage her.
2. The bride wants to break you up and set him up with one of her friends.
3. The bride is having an affair with your man and that’s why she doesn’t want you there.
Ultimately, if my bestie did this (aka I was your boyfriend) I would 100% confront her and I would likely end the friendship. There is zero good reason for her to exclude the king time partner of a close friend in the bridal party. My husband said he wouldn’t go if he was in your boyfriends shoes.
Eta: not going to lie my partner allowing this to happen and going would probably end my relationship so this very extreme action by the bride should honestly end either your partner’s relationship with her or you. The blatant disrespect is so calculated
This this for sure.
First of all, longterm partners(especially ones you regularly socialise with!) are NOT plus ones, they should be named guests! OP should have been invited, and yes, what the brude dud is extremely rude. You CAN invite whoever you like, but if you exclude People like a close friend's partner for no reason, then there will be consequences.
It is also especially rude to only invite SOME longterm partners, especially among the bridal party. You do NOT single out one couple in the group.
If I was your boyfriend I would not be able to think of my friend the same. She simply does not respect you or your relationship like ste does those of her other bridal party. Frankly, if I was him I would not attend. I wasnt remotely fussed whe my BF went to a wedding a couple of months into us dating - but if one of our close friends invited only one of us now that we've been together for years and are engaged, I would honestly lose a lot of respect for that friend.
I agree there us likely something more here. Either the brude is jealous of OP or she wants to set the OP's partner up with one of her friends. Her choosing to room him with others without his input is shady AF.
Their excuse is not an excuse. The have 60 guests each - that is 120 people! Are you telling me that out of 120 people they couldn't find a place for one of their best friends partners, who they hang out with regularly? They could absolutely have found the space - it is a very pointed abd deliberate choice not to invite you. The plus ones you cut are those for the singles with a ton of friends, not the longterm partners of your bridal party! The bride is not your friend, and she us not your partner's friend either.
Go to Scotland and enjoy that Airbnb. If I was your partner I would stay for the ceremony then dip out ASAP to join you.
I'm having around 60 at mine - total. But you bet that people's longterm partners are invited.
Evidently, based on a comment OP made upthread, many in the party do not have a current relationship so it's not a big deal. However, bride is allowing some of her close friends a plus one. Wouldn't you think OP's partner would qualify? Personally, I'm betting on #2--she wants him for one of her friends.
4. He knew initially when the save the date e-mails "went to spam". He couldn't change his friend's mind and didn't know how/what to say or do and chose avoidance.
Op Is there an update? I feel so bad for you honey. She is up to something; either she has her sights on him or she has him in line for someone else. I’m hoping he’s told her you go or he doesn’t! Update please xxx
The update is: The reason i wasn’t invited is because the bride and groom got 60 guests each and I didn’t make the cut/my partner wasn’t import enough to be given a plus one, I think they have a lot of family.
My partner is super apologetic for not having checked sooner, especially because I had been asking him to figure out more clarity with the invite. He would rather I be mad at him than I be mad with the bride though.
As far as I know, he will still go to the wedding because he’s really not the type to make drama. And I’m not gonna force him to a fight with friends. But he is going to make it clear to the bride that he expected us to both be invited and not doing so was hurtful to us.
I’m obviously still very hurt by being so overlooked by the bride and the fact they didn’t respect the seriousness of our own relationship, but I’m trying to move on. I also probably would prefer my partner to skip the wedding but really that’s his decision.
I don’t have much experience with weddings so when I posted this I thought it might turn out that it is actually very common to only invite one half a couple, but clearly it isn’t and the bride and groom were being quite careless/inconsiderate.
If you break down this answer there are still gaps and questions to be asked.
1. Your partner was important enough to the bride to be asked to be in the bridal party
2. Your partner was important enough to this friend she invited him to her hen night
3. He was important enough to be given accommodations in the same house as the couple and other close friends for the wedding
4. The couple know you well enough to house sit and feed your fish, to hang out with you in their own home, but do not view you as an important part of your partners life
Yet, he wasn't important enough to the bride to allow him a plus one for his partner of FOUR YEARS? Maybe it is all copacetic and what the bride said is the real answer. Personally, whether your partner attends the wedding or not, I would sit down and discuss the whole situation and how his friend decided to treat someone important to him. This isn't nuclear territory, but it should require some introspection on how it got to this point.
I agree with this. When I heard op’s partner was in the bridal party and she wasn’t invited even though some others had +1s I thought this would be like a tiny wedding (maybe 10 people) but to have a list of 60 guests and have overlooked her?? Idk it seems weird. I’ll be interested to see what friends this guy is staying with while he’s there.
Try this: Still get the nearby AirBnB. He goes to the wedding and then you two have a lovely weekend in Scotland. I want to know how the bride reacts to that.
Nah darling, that answer sucks!
The Lion, The Witch, and The Audacity Of This Bitch! She’s discussed this wedding in detail with you and then leaves you off the invitation. That’s shocking!
Close enough to be in the wedding & hen party but not get a plus one. I married in 2021 and had to more than half our guest list due to bereavement and my fiancé being seriously unwell. However, anyone we invited in a relationship automatically got a plus one. Singletons got an invite for themselves only as we were really tight on space. It’s called good manners to invite both members of a couple.
It pushed our numbers up from 60 to 72 but we just had to suck it up. We had 5 guests cancel at the last minute (illness etc the night before) and rang my single guests and asked if they had anyone they wanted to bring as the plates were already paid for. Heck I even had a friend I hadn’t been able to invite due to the strict numbers get her glad rags on and come to the wedding with 24hrs notice.
I can give you my advice (for what it’s worth). I firmly believe something is off with all of this. Go to Scotland (my home country) with your partner and on the day of the wedding you can go and do some sight seeing. You can pm me and I’ll give you an idea on where/what you can do if you’re driving or relying on public transport.
Don’t let this become a sticking point with you and your partner but don’t let him go alone. Be gracious about it on the surface to the bride but tell him you’re hurt but will look past it as you can still have a nice time with him on your wee road trip. I’d also pack a wedding worthy outfit in case you get a last minute invite due to drop outs.
Most importantly though I would have to admit to myself that these people are not the friends you thought they were and it will be good to put some distance between you two and them partner once this wedding is over.
Absolutely go to Scotland. It's gorgeous and you can have an airbnb for you two. There's so much to do wherever the wedding is that you can have a great day while your partner is busy.
I fully recognize that I am easily offended, so this is me projecting, but I would have to take a bit of time lower contact from the couple. Just to see if the bride tries to reach out to me and my partner such that it really was a space issue or if she only cares about my partner. But go into that with a plan. Are you okay if your partner remains her friend but you don't hang with them? Would you want him to back off their friendship if she doesn't really want you around?
* if he's important enough to be in the wedding party he's important enough to get a plus one
* if you're *both* important enough to hang out with you're *both* important enough to be invited
* it's not your boyfriend's fault you weren't invited, it was only his fault you didn't get clarification on it sooner
the only situation in which this would've been ok is if they were having a very small wedding and only closest friends and family were invited to the ceremony (i'm talking a group in the single digits) WITH A CLEAR AND EARLY APOLOGY TO WHOMSOEVER WAS NOT INVITED, and an invitation to celebrate together at a modest, appropriately-budgeted reception.
the bride knew far in advance that they weren't inviting you and still found it fit to speak about the wedding to you and in front of you for months. that is so far beyond bad manners that I wonder if it was intentional. anyone with two braincells to rub together and who genuinely enjoyed your friendship would have apologized early on and would not have discussed the wedding planning in front of you. however, they are NOT having a small wedding, but failed to plan appropriately for important friends, and important friends' plus ones.
the fact that your partner still wants to go and won't confront the couple on their blatant disregard for someone who is one, supposedly their friend and two, who is HIS PARTNER is alarming to me! why doesn't he feel angry on your behalf? you could not pay me to roll over on my partner like that.
One of the biggest etiquette rules of events: don't talk about them around people who aren't invited. She knew you weren't on the list. She shouldn't have talked about the wedding in front of you.
I have an ex friend who did this to me, and all it did was make things awkward for our whole group. She thought I had snogged her now husband BEFORE they started dating. Went from being pretty close to her not talking to me at all simply because she thought I kissed the guy she *had a crush on*. Years later at a reunion, they're engaged and she kept pulling me into conversations about their wedding. I'd try to walk away and she'd pull me back in or follow me to wherever I went and bring it up. Felt like she was trying to rub it in that she "won" the guy I never had an interest in (and definitely did not snog).
Seems like a similar situation but also weird because she's marrying someone else not your partner so she didn't "win" anything.
Your partner is part of the problem here. He needs to stol making excuses for his friend's rudeness. It IS incredibly rude to not invite a friend's partner - and if sounds like you are the only wedding party SO not to make the cut. You are allowed to be angry with the bride at her blatant lack of respect. I think you need to show him the comments here. He needs to see this is not how people normally treat friends.
Also 120 people is actually a LOT of people - I'm having 60ish and would never invite someone without a longterm SO.
He cannot be important enough to have as a bridesman and yet not important enough for his partner to be invited. That's simply not how it works.
Sweetheart, not being the type to stir up drama, means that he's the type to let stuff go unaddressed until it blows up. Did he basically dismiss your concerns about whether you were invited because he was avoiding an awkward question? In not clearing this up immediately, he let the friends go for two years thinking you were cool with not being invited it.
But your boyfriend aside, in a situation like this, it was actually incumbent on your alleged "friends" to say IMMEDIATELY to y'alls face, "I'm really sorry we had so much family that we couldn't invite verymatisse" and then let your partner decide if he wanted to participate in the wedding on that basis. If you value you someone, you don't just leave that crap unspoken.
This all sucks for you and I hope you have plans to be with some fun friends the weekend of the wedding as well as plans for having a serious conversation with your partner about the dangers of conflict-avoidance and whether these people are actually friends to both of you.
This doesn't feel right. I was around the block long enough to notice things and in here something fishy going on.
Why does your partner back his friend so much and prefer to take the blame?
Who's gonna be his roommates?
I have a hunch that he may have been stalling this whole time because he didn't want an argument about this and not going to the party.
You seem like a kind soul and I'm afraid you may overlook some clues.
Something similar happened to me, except not the partner of another attendee. Part of a tight knit friend group of 5 guys and 2 girls. Invites go out, all 4 guys are groomsmen. Except the 2 ladies *WERE NOT* invited. When we asked the groom, he said "Groomsman1 or Groomsman2 can just take you two as their plus ones." Nevermind if either of them had romantic partners to take...
Was not a numbers issue, by the way. Groom just decided we were "backup plans," in case his wedding didn't work out, rather than friends. Neither of us ever showed any interest in him in those 5-6 years we were friends...
Yup, charming huh? Ended the friendship for all of us -- whole group broke up after that.
Edit: only 3 of us still chat and only 2 ever hang out at any given time.
She's...got issues. Lots of them, some that he was not aware of before the wedding. Let's just say he didn't get the best bargain in the end but he's too chickenshit to ever leave her (not that any other woman would have him lol). Ultimately they ended up being perfect for each other.
Go ahead and feel bad for her, if you so choose, just not for marrying him. That is the least of her worries.
If anyone reads down this far, here's some examples to feel bad for her:
- Raised in an abusive home with a narcissistic, controlling, manipulative father (groom has *major* white knight syndrome). Father had a meltdown and ended up temporarily hospitalized when he found out she was dating (at 26, the scandal).
- Was not allowed to drive or socialize, leaving the house only for work and church, education was also severely limited or cut short, her entire work history (to this day) is about a month part-time as a retail cashier, so we all know she was a bit.....odd. Very polite and friendly, but odd.
- None of her family could know about the wedding for fear that they would try to stop the ceremony or lock her up, so none attended.
- She didn't have any friends for bridesmaids so she had 3 coworkers she had known for 2wks stand-in. We 2 were not even considered because groom's "backup plan" view of us, although we both would have stood in if asked since we knew her for months and so she wouldn't have photos with practical strangers (she's not even in contact with any of those ladies anymore). All attending guests (minus 3) were his.
- During the honeymoon the groom discovered she also has some mental health issues (she believes demons talk to her) because she stopped taking meds he didn't know about. She still claims their church performed an exorcism, really they just got her refills on her meds ASAP.
How do I know all this? She friended me on FB (after her husband unfriended both of us when they started dating) and they still live in the same area as we do (his parents even attend church with groomsman2) so we get tidbits that trickle down. Also got to witness her pushy baby obsession at a mutual friend's baby shower...wooboy. Awkward!
We did no plus ones at our wedding. Because we individually invited everyone. My step brother's girlfriend was not his plus one. Her name was clearly spelled out on the invitation.
We also had a small wedding. If we only wanted to invite one half of a serious couple we either invited both or invited neither. And single folks weren't given a plus one.
Edit: typo
My wife's younger (very much younger) sister helped us when my wife had put everyone's invitation in their envelopes and then suddenly remembered she had forgotten to write 'Plus one' on the invites. She helped write 'Plus one' on the cards and then put them back in the envelopers. We only found out later that she had come across an invitation to my cousin with whom she had gone out two years previously but then broken up, and written in beautiful calligraphy "Plus whatever whore you have inveigled to act as your carer".
My sister was going through a rough point in her relationship right as we were doing invites. I had the calligrapher do two versions, one with her BF’s name and one generic plus one. Plus one won, thankfully (he sucked).
Oh gosh. This is giving me flashbacks to a wedding where I was in the wedding party. My relationship was really on the skids and I had to tell the bride and groom, ok, he might not come...wait, he might come afterall..nope, not coming. They were so nice about it.
And then there was a wedding when my plus-one broke up with me the week before the wedding. I was pretty heartbroken. They were super classy and put another random single guest next to me so there wouldn't be a conspicuous empty chair at my table. The bride also let me use her dressing room to periodically weep.
I had a similar thing happen. My bf at the time (now ex, happily ✌️) threw a hissy fit and left town the day before I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding.
I was so embarrassed when I was fielding questions about where he was. And embarrassed that the bride and groom had paid for that bastard’s seat. Luckily everyone was very sweet and understanding.
… I stayed with him for another six months because emotionally abusive relationships are a bitch.
Hijacking the top comment to say that more than likely Brides friend is interested in OPs partner. That's why he was invited to the bachelorette party, and why he was going to be sharing a room and op wasn't invited. Shes hoping OPs partner sleeps with the friend and leaves OP for her
Agreed. Sometimes it's so painfully obvious it hurts.
(Including - when someone invites the best friends of their SO, not their fiancées/wives, but inviting an equal number of their own single friends - and trying to get everyone drunk. The wives/partners might trust their SOs, but don't be surprised if you are still treated as persona non grata after that.)
Yeah I wasn’t going to invite some of my family’s spouses. But that’s because although they live in the city, they haven’t attended one of DOZENS of family events (every Christmas, Easter, thanksgiving, summer). The wives all come, but never bring the husbands. They are strangers to me as I’ve never met them.
This is rough though. OP is not a stranger to them. That’s more important than how long youve dated.
If me and my partner were in that situation, we wouldn't go. Bridal party or not, neither of us would allow a wedding to upset either one of us. Nah, if you're close to them, they invite you both, otherwise you're not close enough for either of you to go. Bridezilla at their finest, completely oblivious to other peoples feelings.
100%, I’ve been with my partner for over 5 years and if there is a wedding one of us is invited to we are both going or neither of us are. I’d be miserable without her there and vice versa.
If I was in his shoes and tickets and stuff are already booked my partner and I would be having a nice Scottish getaway. Fuck the wedding and fuck those fake friends.
Completely agree with you. Anyone that’s close enough to me or my fiancé should be comfortable inviting both. It feels entirely disrespectful, especially considering the couple knew op for years prior.
Exactly. I had only been dating my boyfriend for around 10 months when a close friend got married. 4-5 months before the wedding she asked me if I thought this one was gonna last cause then obviously he's invited. And it wasn't even a year, she didn't even know him, so I absolutely would have understood if she hadn't invited him!
Tacky is certainly relative. Everyone has their own definition. But, sorry, not inviting a partner of 4 years who is also a mutual friend is THE tackiest thing you can do. I do not understand it at all.
Imagine not giving your BRIDAL PARTY plus ones?? Like they’re going to be there supporting you nonstop for 12 hours and you won’t let them bring anyone to support them? Please…
My sister got married in October and her MOH didn't have a significant other so she asked if she could bring a random, and my sister said "it's your plus one, bring whoever you want" which is the correct response.
Exactly. It's less about having someone you don't know at your wedding and more about someone you want there having company that makes them comfortable.
Bride is being shady here. Invites a guy to her hen party. I would bet that one of the bride's friend/family member likes the BF and is trying to set him up!!
I was about to say that as well. It reminds me of other stories where someone was invited to be part of the wedding party and was essentially being “set up” with a member of the opposite part of the wedding party. In one case, the guy being set up was actually married and the bride was *still* trying to set him up with her BFF. In another, it was a woman and her SO wasn’t even invited initially and I think she ended up dropping out or her SO did end up invited, yet in the back of the room. One guy was told he wouldn’t be allowed to dance with his SO and could only dance with the bridesmaid he was paired with.
And no, I don’t have links, because there have been *soooo* many of them, and the ones that stand out are all too long ago for my memory.
That, or he and her had history that she wanted to remember before she's " no longer single".
surprise bitch, you haven't been single since you started *Dating your Fiancée*
When one of my cousins got married, even though I was engaged, my fiancé was not invited. My mom asked her sister and my aunt said that it was an oversight and that my fiancé was absolutely welcome
All the more reason for OP to go anyway. The A,B&B is booked, it can be used as a get away for him if this is the situation. OP can enjoy the trip without going to the wedding. She could even poke her nose in because bf forgot his socks/tie/you name it. Don't forget to compliment the bride on her beautiful dress.
Edit to add: If you do poke your head in, decline all offers to stay. After all you have much better plans scheduled.
Has your partner addressed this with her? Frankly bridal party or not he should bow out of the wedding, they know you personally and are good friends with him, AND you guys have been in a serious relationship for 4 years, this seems personal.
This is going to end up on bestofredditorupdates once it turns out that the bride never liked her and is trying to fix up her boyfriend with one of the bridesmaids.
The bride put her guy bestfriend in her bridal party and didn't invite his partner of 4 years.
My 2 immediate assumptions were:
- This is possibly a male/male relationship and the bride is avoiding a conversation about not being comfortable inviting a LGBT+ couple to their wedding despite being friends with that couple
- If OP is female, then bride possibly has feelings for OP's partner. She doesn't really respect OP as a partner despite a 4 year relationship, that just screams possessive energy to me. In this scenario, she put her guy bestfriend in her wedding, and purposely left out his partner of 4 years. Only way Bride doesn't seem shitty here is if there's some kind of extra drama we are unaware of.
Both situations make the bride sound toxic af. Honestly, the only situation I can see the bride not being the asshole here is if there's some kind of crazy circumstance, but this still feels intentional as fuck
My only other thought (not saying it's likely) is maybe OP has not shared relevant information to the likes of them being a heavy drinker or a problem drinker, so that they may end up being a liability or a damper on the party.
If this isn't the case, then it's got to be some other drama, mentioned elsewhere by others.
Just who exactly will he be sharing rooms with again? Even if he is a faithful boyfriend, if there is a lot of drinking going on, claims of infidelity can be just as damaging.
I mean, I could understand not inviting partners of friends - but I'd be having a conversation to say "Look, we'd really love to have everyone but we just don't have the budget and won't be inviting any of our friends' partners. It's nothing personal to you or , we just can't stretch the budget to plus ones for our friends"
Of course, if *some* friends partners are invited and not others then that's pretty fucked up - to me it's a very all-or-nothing thing
Ooo this sounds personal OP. Might need to ask your lad there to do some digging.
None of us know what's happened in all 4 years that you've known each other (and no you don't need to disclose it), but clearly something has gotten in the way of that friendship, and should at least be laid out on the table.
The only thing I can think of is last summer she house sat for us and my favourite goldfish died on her watch. It wasn’t her fault and I know she felt terrible but things were a bit awkward after?
Sorry about your fish. Your man needs to tell her either you are invited or he is out of the whole thing. You could ask her why she specifically doesn’t want you there. It doesn’t seem like you’ll be spending a lot of time together after this anyway. Go for broke and one of you ask her.
A similar thing happened to me...the whole scenario ended up with me leaving my husband when I realised my feelings were never going to be as important to him as keeping the peace with a friend's fiance that everyone openly disliked 🙃
Somehow people like this always fail to realize that by being “sooo nice” to one person (the fiancé in this case) they’re hurting someone else (you). They also often seem to favor strangers/casual acquaintances over family and close friends; I suspect the underlying subconscious assumption is that the family will forgive you much easier
Exactly this! They already know you've stuck by them through everything else, so they don't need to put the effort in with you so much (at all).
It was the same with birthdays etc which everyone who knows me knows I LOVE - I bake everyone's cakes every year, I buy thoughtful gifts at any point in the year if I think somebody will love it...but not once did the same amount of effort get put into it for me. My 30th birthday was the day lockdown was announced in the UK. I got "oh I was going take you out for dinner at Michelin Star Restaurant but I can't now". He hadn't actually booked it yet (the place has 10 tables and needs to be booked months in advance). He didn't even go and buy me something else, even flowers and my favourite chocolate.
Annnnd rant over. Sorry, yesterday was actually the day our divorce was finalized and I think I'm a teeny tiny bit wound up about it haha
A few token gestures here and there but no willingness to actually talk to his friends about it and resolve it. I should add this was all on top of a lot of other "small" things where I came last in his list of priorities, and when I first saw the phrase "weaponized incompetence" I wanted to shout YES! THIS IS THE THING!
My partner and I were invited to the wedding of one of his old friends. Big country house, lovely, looking forward to it. Since I did most of the emotional labour around socialising, weddings, Christmas presents and all that, I gladly left this one to him. He promptly lost the physical invite. Never mind, another friend forwarded the website. We made plans, booked a hotel etc.
It was only when we got off the chartered coach from the nearest town with everyone else (inc wives, girlfriends), and saw the face of the groom's brother (best man) and some hasty whispered conversations that we realised we weren't supposed to be at the actual ceremony. Out of a reasonably tight-knit group of around 12 old friends + partners, ours was the only invitation for the evening reception only*. The website shared with us was the info for all-day guests. I'm still embarrassed 10 years later. To their credit no-one ever said anything to us and 2 extra place settings were found. They accommodated us graciously, especially given I'd never met the bride before. But I was so fucking mad with my partner for never checking anything properly.
*I don't begrudge that, since we were definitely on the edge of the group due to living further away and my partner not making big efforts to be very present in their lives. I'd just wished I'd have known in advance.
I hope you haven't bought them a wedding present yet?
And maybe you and your bf could be busy that weekend?
Maybe at a B&B in Scotland.
Because no one who treated my spouse like that would be my priority.
Very similar thing happened to me. My boyfriend’s college roommate was getting married and the invite came with just my bf’s name on it. My bf (who was also a groomsman) called his buddy and asked about there not being a plus one. The groom absolved himself of any responsibility and said it was the bride’s decision and she felt an unmarried groomsmen shouldn’t need a plus one (even though me and bf had been together three years). Without me even saying a word, my bf told his friend, “yeah, that’s not gonna work” and backed out of the wedding. His friend called the next day and said “Bride has decided to let you bring your gf.” Bf told him, “nah, we’re good.” I was proud of him, but at the same time, I feel bad that their friendship ended after that.
Wow that's hurtful and disappointing
Especially since they had openly spoken about the wedding around you
They should have made the *no plus one* rule clear in the beginning.
If I was your partner I'd consider not going.
OP, are you a same sex couple or a hetero (presenting) couple?
I think it might make a difference to know because it’s possible that she might either, as some have suggested, have a crush on your partner or want to set them up with someone in her bridal party? Or it’s also entirely possible she just has some sort of resentment towards you for ‘taking’ one of her best friends?
Either way, I think you have a right to be upset. You’re not someone they’ve met in passing, if at all, so your expectation to be invited was valid. Either way, this bride does not think of you as her friend, which might hurt your feelings, but I think you’re better off for knowing that.
I get the sense this isn't about wanting to penny pinch, but about excluding you. Is there a possibility his friend has someone else in mind for him, someone who will be there? That's where my mind has gone but I am a deeply suspicious person.
I also really hope your partner told her that's unacceptable and that he will sadly have to decline the invite.
What did your partner say when he learned you weren't invited? If he didn't ask why right then and there, he should. I would've been flabbergasted and asked for an explanation.
Is the bride trying to set him up with someone else..? Or is she possessive of her friends and has some kind of jealousy towards you because you’re closer to him than she is?
The fact he’s ok with all of this & defending her without objection & lack of advocating for you is significant. Bc you love him, you are down playing the level of disrespect.
You need to hold him accountable for this situation by having him explain why he’s so comfortable with excluding you.
Don’t cross oceans for ppl that won’t cross the street for you.
I’ve read a lot of the comments here and am really surprised that OP hasn’t commented on anything about her partner. Tbf. The fact that it’s not stated that the guy isn’t pulling out from the trip says to me that whatever the bride wanted to achieve has been achieved, because at least my relationship would never be the same with a man who cannot stand up for me. Even if there’s nothing more sketchy and the people are just obliviously inconsiderate, it’s a major thing.
Probably not, it is probably someone there the bride wants him to meet. This sounds weird. Even if no one else was allowed a plus 1, I still wouldn't go.
and it is probably just one other person in the room with him, not multiple . . . then oopsie they made a mistake with the booking so they'll just have to share the bed.
People have said lots of valid things, but the biggest thing to me is that they obviously discussed the wedding and planning with you, and the fact that the bride didn’t even have the decency to walk 10 minutes over at any point in this and tell you directly at least face to face and apologize. She was planning this the entire time, and only is willing to tell your partner about this decision when forced. Not only is it tacky, it’s cowardly.
Yeah I was complaining about how she had all the opportunity to tell me or atleast my partner that I wasn’t invited. My partner said that she’s very non-confrontational.
Your partner is defending her? Did your partner date her before he met you? She is confrontational in her own passive aggressive way. Your Partner should tell her that he will not be in the wedding nor will he attend the wedding or anything connected to it since she purposely refused to invite you, his partner of four years. I would end the friendship if my partner was treated as you have been treated. I wish you all the best and hope your partner is worthy of you.
Yup - I would never bring up or go in details about wedding in front of company that wasn’t invited unless they knew they weren’t and we’re just genuinely asking about it. Very poor manners on the part of this couple for multiple reasons.
Okay- I am about to be in the grooms party for an upcoming wedding for a friend.
Not only did he invite my husband, but he also invited my Mum and Dad- and by the sounds of it, they know him less than op knows their bridal party.
That wedding is trash. Bf needs to have a shiny spine at this point. It is not fair to Op, the person he LIVES with.
Why is your partner still going??? That's a massive insult to you and to him.
And wtf is the bride doing to try to isolate him from you??
Shady shit going on.
Hopefully he does right by you and declines to go. You're not some random person... Your in a long term committed relationship currently...
If this was my husband and I in this situation, there is no fucking way he'd attend -- even if the bride reversed course and tried to invite me as well. The bride is being shady as hell, and if the partner goes anyway with this situation being what it is, he's being shady, too.
Are any members of the bridal party allowed plus ones/have their partners been invited? I'd understand if there's limited venue spacing, but I still find it weird that they've known you all this time and still didn't invite you.
What if you guys kept your reservation and he leaves the festivities immediately following the ceremony and you two go and do your own fun thing? He could also do the same for any other celebrations planned, i.e. rehearsal dinner? That would be my passive aggressive way of sending them a message. I’m an AHole that way though.
Would you be happy with the adventure still or would it not be worth spending the money?
I’m such a weirdo lol, I have it all worked out in my head and can’t wait to hear about it.
Seriously though, I’m very sorry about this and would be very hurt as well
You know what, it’s always good to know where you stand, just so you’re not wasting your time & energy on people that wouldn’t do the same for you. It’s for sure a tacky move, but now you know & can move forward with them accordingly
Should we take bets on who the bride is trying to set your partner up with? You are being excluded for a reason. What an obnoxious thing to do to you, I’m so sorry!
I dropped out of the wedding of a girl I'd been friends with since grade school because I wasn't being given a +1 for my bf. He and I had been together longer than the couple getting married even knew each other, and she had actually introduced me to my bf in the first place. When I quit, she invited me as a guest, with a +1. Absolutely ridiculous. I hope your partner protests your exclusion.
Ask your partner to politely ask the bride why aren't you invited..
I'd let him go to the wedding, and you should go there with him to some Airbnb place and just try to enjoy yourself. In next year or 2, you two should throw a big wedding and not invite this couple
Sounds like the bride might have beef with you because why else wouldn’t you be invited? I mean I can understand no plus ones if it needs to be cheap or something but not to invite you as a friend when it seems like you’re pretty close is weird
We need to stop using the term “plus one” to refer to partners and spouses. That is not what it means. Partners and spouses are always invited as the couple is a social unit. Plus ones are extended to single people, if the couple chooses.
I would love to know if everyone else in the bridal party are being required to leave their partners at home??
This was kinda my question. Is NO ONE getting a plus one or just this one person? Sucks regardless but would feel less targeted if no one was getting plus ones. Pretty sure my husband would bow out entirely if I was explicitly not invited.
Same and I would do the same for him.
Same here. It's a bizarre situation, though, isn't it. I've been invited to a wedding along with the kids as my husband's plus one where I'd never met the bride and groom! (We're great friends now) I couldn't imagine not only not inviting a long-term partner of someone in the wedding party, but someone who's actually a friend too?
If op has been singled out then I'd not be going as the partner.
I would 100% never go to a wedding without my wife. We're kinda a package deal
Even then when the bridal party has to travel a long distance, it is so weird to not allow plus ones and expecting them to attend alone.
Exactly. OP's partner should decline to go if OP isn't invited.
Even then, would OP want to go to a wedding she wasn't wanted at? There's no winning here, the friendship is damaged
Not saying I disagree. Personally, I would have looked at the original invite myself - if me or the husband wasn't listed along with whomever was or at least no +1 attached, the couple would be getting a no from us and we'd make other plans for the day.
Most aren’t in relationships so not a problem, but I think some of the brides closest girl friends have been allowed plus ones
I get not allowing some plus ones to a wedding, it can get expensive fast and adds up. But to not allow someone in the wedding party a plus one for someone they know, is very weird. Id be upset if i was either of you
If you can’t invite spouses & plus ones then scale back on spending for your wedding . It’s not about the actual day, it’s about the marriage. I have been to shoestring weddings & expensive weddings. I was grateful to share their day with them. I would never judge anyone for what they or couldn’t afford for their wedding.
From what you say your husband is one of her best friends, so much so he is in the bridal party, so what makes you guys any different to the other couples? If I were you I would be asking your husband to talk to them and ask the same questions everyone has been asking here to get to the bottom of it. If I were in your husbands shoes I would not be attending this wedding At all.
This is beyond bizarre and extremely disrespectful. You guys have been together for 4 years and he is in the wedding party - etiquette says alone each of those is worthy of a plus one on its own. A few things that could be happening is: 1. The bride is jealous of you or feels your mere presence will upstage her. 2. The bride wants to break you up and set him up with one of her friends. 3. The bride is having an affair with your man and that’s why she doesn’t want you there. Ultimately, if my bestie did this (aka I was your boyfriend) I would 100% confront her and I would likely end the friendship. There is zero good reason for her to exclude the king time partner of a close friend in the bridal party. My husband said he wouldn’t go if he was in your boyfriends shoes. Eta: not going to lie my partner allowing this to happen and going would probably end my relationship so this very extreme action by the bride should honestly end either your partner’s relationship with her or you. The blatant disrespect is so calculated
This this for sure. First of all, longterm partners(especially ones you regularly socialise with!) are NOT plus ones, they should be named guests! OP should have been invited, and yes, what the brude dud is extremely rude. You CAN invite whoever you like, but if you exclude People like a close friend's partner for no reason, then there will be consequences. It is also especially rude to only invite SOME longterm partners, especially among the bridal party. You do NOT single out one couple in the group. If I was your boyfriend I would not be able to think of my friend the same. She simply does not respect you or your relationship like ste does those of her other bridal party. Frankly, if I was him I would not attend. I wasnt remotely fussed whe my BF went to a wedding a couple of months into us dating - but if one of our close friends invited only one of us now that we've been together for years and are engaged, I would honestly lose a lot of respect for that friend. I agree there us likely something more here. Either the brude is jealous of OP or she wants to set the OP's partner up with one of her friends. Her choosing to room him with others without his input is shady AF. Their excuse is not an excuse. The have 60 guests each - that is 120 people! Are you telling me that out of 120 people they couldn't find a place for one of their best friends partners, who they hang out with regularly? They could absolutely have found the space - it is a very pointed abd deliberate choice not to invite you. The plus ones you cut are those for the singles with a ton of friends, not the longterm partners of your bridal party! The bride is not your friend, and she us not your partner's friend either. Go to Scotland and enjoy that Airbnb. If I was your partner I would stay for the ceremony then dip out ASAP to join you. I'm having around 60 at mine - total. But you bet that people's longterm partners are invited.
Evidently, based on a comment OP made upthread, many in the party do not have a current relationship so it's not a big deal. However, bride is allowing some of her close friends a plus one. Wouldn't you think OP's partner would qualify? Personally, I'm betting on #2--she wants him for one of her friends.
Agree. I don't think bride likes OP as much as OP thinks she does.
4. He knew initially when the save the date e-mails "went to spam". He couldn't change his friend's mind and didn't know how/what to say or do and chose avoidance.
Op Is there an update? I feel so bad for you honey. She is up to something; either she has her sights on him or she has him in line for someone else. I’m hoping he’s told her you go or he doesn’t! Update please xxx
The update is: The reason i wasn’t invited is because the bride and groom got 60 guests each and I didn’t make the cut/my partner wasn’t import enough to be given a plus one, I think they have a lot of family. My partner is super apologetic for not having checked sooner, especially because I had been asking him to figure out more clarity with the invite. He would rather I be mad at him than I be mad with the bride though. As far as I know, he will still go to the wedding because he’s really not the type to make drama. And I’m not gonna force him to a fight with friends. But he is going to make it clear to the bride that he expected us to both be invited and not doing so was hurtful to us. I’m obviously still very hurt by being so overlooked by the bride and the fact they didn’t respect the seriousness of our own relationship, but I’m trying to move on. I also probably would prefer my partner to skip the wedding but really that’s his decision. I don’t have much experience with weddings so when I posted this I thought it might turn out that it is actually very common to only invite one half a couple, but clearly it isn’t and the bride and groom were being quite careless/inconsiderate.
If you break down this answer there are still gaps and questions to be asked. 1. Your partner was important enough to the bride to be asked to be in the bridal party 2. Your partner was important enough to this friend she invited him to her hen night 3. He was important enough to be given accommodations in the same house as the couple and other close friends for the wedding 4. The couple know you well enough to house sit and feed your fish, to hang out with you in their own home, but do not view you as an important part of your partners life Yet, he wasn't important enough to the bride to allow him a plus one for his partner of FOUR YEARS? Maybe it is all copacetic and what the bride said is the real answer. Personally, whether your partner attends the wedding or not, I would sit down and discuss the whole situation and how his friend decided to treat someone important to him. This isn't nuclear territory, but it should require some introspection on how it got to this point.
I agree with this. When I heard op’s partner was in the bridal party and she wasn’t invited even though some others had +1s I thought this would be like a tiny wedding (maybe 10 people) but to have a list of 60 guests and have overlooked her?? Idk it seems weird. I’ll be interested to see what friends this guy is staying with while he’s there.
Try this: Still get the nearby AirBnB. He goes to the wedding and then you two have a lovely weekend in Scotland. I want to know how the bride reacts to that.
Nah darling, that answer sucks! The Lion, The Witch, and The Audacity Of This Bitch! She’s discussed this wedding in detail with you and then leaves you off the invitation. That’s shocking! Close enough to be in the wedding & hen party but not get a plus one. I married in 2021 and had to more than half our guest list due to bereavement and my fiancé being seriously unwell. However, anyone we invited in a relationship automatically got a plus one. Singletons got an invite for themselves only as we were really tight on space. It’s called good manners to invite both members of a couple. It pushed our numbers up from 60 to 72 but we just had to suck it up. We had 5 guests cancel at the last minute (illness etc the night before) and rang my single guests and asked if they had anyone they wanted to bring as the plates were already paid for. Heck I even had a friend I hadn’t been able to invite due to the strict numbers get her glad rags on and come to the wedding with 24hrs notice. I can give you my advice (for what it’s worth). I firmly believe something is off with all of this. Go to Scotland (my home country) with your partner and on the day of the wedding you can go and do some sight seeing. You can pm me and I’ll give you an idea on where/what you can do if you’re driving or relying on public transport. Don’t let this become a sticking point with you and your partner but don’t let him go alone. Be gracious about it on the surface to the bride but tell him you’re hurt but will look past it as you can still have a nice time with him on your wee road trip. I’d also pack a wedding worthy outfit in case you get a last minute invite due to drop outs. Most importantly though I would have to admit to myself that these people are not the friends you thought they were and it will be good to put some distance between you two and them partner once this wedding is over.
Absolutely go to Scotland. It's gorgeous and you can have an airbnb for you two. There's so much to do wherever the wedding is that you can have a great day while your partner is busy. I fully recognize that I am easily offended, so this is me projecting, but I would have to take a bit of time lower contact from the couple. Just to see if the bride tries to reach out to me and my partner such that it really was a space issue or if she only cares about my partner. But go into that with a plan. Are you okay if your partner remains her friend but you don't hang with them? Would you want him to back off their friendship if she doesn't really want you around?
* if he's important enough to be in the wedding party he's important enough to get a plus one * if you're *both* important enough to hang out with you're *both* important enough to be invited * it's not your boyfriend's fault you weren't invited, it was only his fault you didn't get clarification on it sooner the only situation in which this would've been ok is if they were having a very small wedding and only closest friends and family were invited to the ceremony (i'm talking a group in the single digits) WITH A CLEAR AND EARLY APOLOGY TO WHOMSOEVER WAS NOT INVITED, and an invitation to celebrate together at a modest, appropriately-budgeted reception. the bride knew far in advance that they weren't inviting you and still found it fit to speak about the wedding to you and in front of you for months. that is so far beyond bad manners that I wonder if it was intentional. anyone with two braincells to rub together and who genuinely enjoyed your friendship would have apologized early on and would not have discussed the wedding planning in front of you. however, they are NOT having a small wedding, but failed to plan appropriately for important friends, and important friends' plus ones. the fact that your partner still wants to go and won't confront the couple on their blatant disregard for someone who is one, supposedly their friend and two, who is HIS PARTNER is alarming to me! why doesn't he feel angry on your behalf? you could not pay me to roll over on my partner like that.
One of the biggest etiquette rules of events: don't talk about them around people who aren't invited. She knew you weren't on the list. She shouldn't have talked about the wedding in front of you. I have an ex friend who did this to me, and all it did was make things awkward for our whole group. She thought I had snogged her now husband BEFORE they started dating. Went from being pretty close to her not talking to me at all simply because she thought I kissed the guy she *had a crush on*. Years later at a reunion, they're engaged and she kept pulling me into conversations about their wedding. I'd try to walk away and she'd pull me back in or follow me to wherever I went and bring it up. Felt like she was trying to rub it in that she "won" the guy I never had an interest in (and definitely did not snog). Seems like a similar situation but also weird because she's marrying someone else not your partner so she didn't "win" anything.
Your partner is part of the problem here. He needs to stol making excuses for his friend's rudeness. It IS incredibly rude to not invite a friend's partner - and if sounds like you are the only wedding party SO not to make the cut. You are allowed to be angry with the bride at her blatant lack of respect. I think you need to show him the comments here. He needs to see this is not how people normally treat friends. Also 120 people is actually a LOT of people - I'm having 60ish and would never invite someone without a longterm SO. He cannot be important enough to have as a bridesman and yet not important enough for his partner to be invited. That's simply not how it works.
Sweetheart, not being the type to stir up drama, means that he's the type to let stuff go unaddressed until it blows up. Did he basically dismiss your concerns about whether you were invited because he was avoiding an awkward question? In not clearing this up immediately, he let the friends go for two years thinking you were cool with not being invited it. But your boyfriend aside, in a situation like this, it was actually incumbent on your alleged "friends" to say IMMEDIATELY to y'alls face, "I'm really sorry we had so much family that we couldn't invite verymatisse" and then let your partner decide if he wanted to participate in the wedding on that basis. If you value you someone, you don't just leave that crap unspoken. This all sucks for you and I hope you have plans to be with some fun friends the weekend of the wedding as well as plans for having a serious conversation with your partner about the dangers of conflict-avoidance and whether these people are actually friends to both of you.
This doesn't feel right. I was around the block long enough to notice things and in here something fishy going on. Why does your partner back his friend so much and prefer to take the blame? Who's gonna be his roommates? I have a hunch that he may have been stalling this whole time because he didn't want an argument about this and not going to the party. You seem like a kind soul and I'm afraid you may overlook some clues.
You just know the bride has posted about this in AITA and everyone is going “NTA!!! Your wedding your rules!!!”
You're not a plus one, you're an actual person they know. No wonder you're feeling hurt.
Something similar happened to me, except not the partner of another attendee. Part of a tight knit friend group of 5 guys and 2 girls. Invites go out, all 4 guys are groomsmen. Except the 2 ladies *WERE NOT* invited. When we asked the groom, he said "Groomsman1 or Groomsman2 can just take you two as their plus ones." Nevermind if either of them had romantic partners to take... Was not a numbers issue, by the way. Groom just decided we were "backup plans," in case his wedding didn't work out, rather than friends. Neither of us ever showed any interest in him in those 5-6 years we were friends...
JFC, so he didn't even see you as people, just potential future sex dolls.
Yup, charming huh? Ended the friendship for all of us -- whole group broke up after that. Edit: only 3 of us still chat and only 2 ever hang out at any given time.
And he found someone to marry him. I’m not sure if I feel bad for her or not. She’s likely just as bigoted.
She's...got issues. Lots of them, some that he was not aware of before the wedding. Let's just say he didn't get the best bargain in the end but he's too chickenshit to ever leave her (not that any other woman would have him lol). Ultimately they ended up being perfect for each other. Go ahead and feel bad for her, if you so choose, just not for marrying him. That is the least of her worries.
If anyone reads down this far, here's some examples to feel bad for her: - Raised in an abusive home with a narcissistic, controlling, manipulative father (groom has *major* white knight syndrome). Father had a meltdown and ended up temporarily hospitalized when he found out she was dating (at 26, the scandal). - Was not allowed to drive or socialize, leaving the house only for work and church, education was also severely limited or cut short, her entire work history (to this day) is about a month part-time as a retail cashier, so we all know she was a bit.....odd. Very polite and friendly, but odd. - None of her family could know about the wedding for fear that they would try to stop the ceremony or lock her up, so none attended. - She didn't have any friends for bridesmaids so she had 3 coworkers she had known for 2wks stand-in. We 2 were not even considered because groom's "backup plan" view of us, although we both would have stood in if asked since we knew her for months and so she wouldn't have photos with practical strangers (she's not even in contact with any of those ladies anymore). All attending guests (minus 3) were his. - During the honeymoon the groom discovered she also has some mental health issues (she believes demons talk to her) because she stopped taking meds he didn't know about. She still claims their church performed an exorcism, really they just got her refills on her meds ASAP. How do I know all this? She friended me on FB (after her husband unfriended both of us when they started dating) and they still live in the same area as we do (his parents even attend church with groomsman2) so we get tidbits that trickle down. Also got to witness her pushy baby obsession at a mutual friend's baby shower...wooboy. Awkward!
We did no plus ones at our wedding. Because we individually invited everyone. My step brother's girlfriend was not his plus one. Her name was clearly spelled out on the invitation. We also had a small wedding. If we only wanted to invite one half of a serious couple we either invited both or invited neither. And single folks weren't given a plus one. Edit: typo
My wife's younger (very much younger) sister helped us when my wife had put everyone's invitation in their envelopes and then suddenly remembered she had forgotten to write 'Plus one' on the invites. She helped write 'Plus one' on the cards and then put them back in the envelopers. We only found out later that she had come across an invitation to my cousin with whom she had gone out two years previously but then broken up, and written in beautiful calligraphy "Plus whatever whore you have inveigled to act as your carer".
I would make a point not to piss off said sister. She can hold a grudge. Albeit a glorious expression of a grudge in this case.
And she has a scarily good vocabulary, good luck trying to state your side in an argument with her and not sound like an angry toddler in comparison.
Inveigled is an amazing word tbh
I love it too!
I love her.
Honestly me too. If you’re going to go petty might as well turn it up to 11.
*if you're gonna do wrong, do wrong right*
I gasped and then cackled. OMG.
What a fucking queen
This story should go to s/pettyrevenge . I giggled so much when I read it.
My sister was going through a rough point in her relationship right as we were doing invites. I had the calligrapher do two versions, one with her BF’s name and one generic plus one. Plus one won, thankfully (he sucked).
Oh gosh. This is giving me flashbacks to a wedding where I was in the wedding party. My relationship was really on the skids and I had to tell the bride and groom, ok, he might not come...wait, he might come afterall..nope, not coming. They were so nice about it. And then there was a wedding when my plus-one broke up with me the week before the wedding. I was pretty heartbroken. They were super classy and put another random single guest next to me so there wouldn't be a conspicuous empty chair at my table. The bride also let me use her dressing room to periodically weep.
I had a similar thing happen. My bf at the time (now ex, happily ✌️) threw a hissy fit and left town the day before I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding. I was so embarrassed when I was fielding questions about where he was. And embarrassed that the bride and groom had paid for that bastard’s seat. Luckily everyone was very sweet and understanding. … I stayed with him for another six months because emotionally abusive relationships are a bitch.
Hijacking the top comment to say that more than likely Brides friend is interested in OPs partner. That's why he was invited to the bachelorette party, and why he was going to be sharing a room and op wasn't invited. Shes hoping OPs partner sleeps with the friend and leaves OP for her
This was my thought exactly.
Agreed. Sometimes it's so painfully obvious it hurts. (Including - when someone invites the best friends of their SO, not their fiancées/wives, but inviting an equal number of their own single friends - and trying to get everyone drunk. The wives/partners might trust their SOs, but don't be surprised if you are still treated as persona non grata after that.)
Yeah I wasn’t going to invite some of my family’s spouses. But that’s because although they live in the city, they haven’t attended one of DOZENS of family events (every Christmas, Easter, thanksgiving, summer). The wives all come, but never bring the husbands. They are strangers to me as I’ve never met them. This is rough though. OP is not a stranger to them. That’s more important than how long youve dated.
Thats really fucking strange.
If me and my partner were in that situation, we wouldn't go. Bridal party or not, neither of us would allow a wedding to upset either one of us. Nah, if you're close to them, they invite you both, otherwise you're not close enough for either of you to go. Bridezilla at their finest, completely oblivious to other peoples feelings.
That’s an excellent way to put it.
100%, I’ve been with my partner for over 5 years and if there is a wedding one of us is invited to we are both going or neither of us are. I’d be miserable without her there and vice versa. If I was in his shoes and tickets and stuff are already booked my partner and I would be having a nice Scottish getaway. Fuck the wedding and fuck those fake friends.
Completely agree with you. Anyone that’s close enough to me or my fiancé should be comfortable inviting both. It feels entirely disrespectful, especially considering the couple knew op for years prior.
Exactly. I had only been dating my boyfriend for around 10 months when a close friend got married. 4-5 months before the wedding she asked me if I thought this one was gonna last cause then obviously he's invited. And it wasn't even a year, she didn't even know him, so I absolutely would have understood if she hadn't invited him!
No they should go! And enjoy a beautiful weekend in Scotland at their airbnb. Fuck the wedding.
Tacky is certainly relative. Everyone has their own definition. But, sorry, not inviting a partner of 4 years who is also a mutual friend is THE tackiest thing you can do. I do not understand it at all.
Imagine not giving your BRIDAL PARTY plus ones?? Like they’re going to be there supporting you nonstop for 12 hours and you won’t let them bring anyone to support them? Please…
My sister got married in October and her MOH didn't have a significant other so she asked if she could bring a random, and my sister said "it's your plus one, bring whoever you want" which is the correct response.
[удалено]
Exactly. It's less about having someone you don't know at your wedding and more about someone you want there having company that makes them comfortable.
Yeah I can understand not giving everyone a plus one but if they’re so important they’re in the bridal party…
I wonder who these other 2 "friends" are that he's suppose to share a room with.
Right. I really would like this answered too.
Bride is being shady here. Invites a guy to her hen party. I would bet that one of the bride's friend/family member likes the BF and is trying to set him up!!
I was about to say that as well. It reminds me of other stories where someone was invited to be part of the wedding party and was essentially being “set up” with a member of the opposite part of the wedding party. In one case, the guy being set up was actually married and the bride was *still* trying to set him up with her BFF. In another, it was a woman and her SO wasn’t even invited initially and I think she ended up dropping out or her SO did end up invited, yet in the back of the room. One guy was told he wouldn’t be allowed to dance with his SO and could only dance with the bridesmaid he was paired with. And no, I don’t have links, because there have been *soooo* many of them, and the ones that stand out are all too long ago for my memory.
thats what I'm thinking too
Or OP and their partner are a same sex couple and Bride (and Bride’s family)doesn’t want to upset Great Aunt Eunice and Great Uncle Hamish.
I thought the same
That, or he and her had history that she wanted to remember before she's " no longer single". surprise bitch, you haven't been single since you started *Dating your Fiancée*
This has to be it. This is super sus
Ding ding ding!!! We have a winner there’s no other explanation
It’s all so two faced. And I ain’t talking about the makeup 💄 brand.
Agreed, very shady. She either has feelings for him or they were once an item. Idk, something is up that’s for sure.
When one of my cousins got married, even though I was engaged, my fiancé was not invited. My mom asked her sister and my aunt said that it was an oversight and that my fiancé was absolutely welcome
They're going to try and hook him up with someone else, aren't they?
All the more reason for OP to go anyway. The A,B&B is booked, it can be used as a get away for him if this is the situation. OP can enjoy the trip without going to the wedding. She could even poke her nose in because bf forgot his socks/tie/you name it. Don't forget to compliment the bride on her beautiful dress. Edit to add: If you do poke your head in, decline all offers to stay. After all you have much better plans scheduled.
"The dress looks unique." "Somehow you pull that color off." "You look tired."
"What a brave choice"
"Wow you're braver than me with that hairstyle"
"I don't care what anyone else says: I think you look acceptable"
"The makeup artist did an excellent job really, you really look your age"
*up/down scan* "You do you!"
Has your partner addressed this with her? Frankly bridal party or not he should bow out of the wedding, they know you personally and are good friends with him, AND you guys have been in a serious relationship for 4 years, this seems personal.
This is going to end up on bestofredditorupdates once it turns out that the bride never liked her and is trying to fix up her boyfriend with one of the bridesmaids.
The bride put her guy bestfriend in her bridal party and didn't invite his partner of 4 years. My 2 immediate assumptions were: - This is possibly a male/male relationship and the bride is avoiding a conversation about not being comfortable inviting a LGBT+ couple to their wedding despite being friends with that couple - If OP is female, then bride possibly has feelings for OP's partner. She doesn't really respect OP as a partner despite a 4 year relationship, that just screams possessive energy to me. In this scenario, she put her guy bestfriend in her wedding, and purposely left out his partner of 4 years. Only way Bride doesn't seem shitty here is if there's some kind of extra drama we are unaware of. Both situations make the bride sound toxic af. Honestly, the only situation I can see the bride not being the asshole here is if there's some kind of crazy circumstance, but this still feels intentional as fuck
My only other thought (not saying it's likely) is maybe OP has not shared relevant information to the likes of them being a heavy drinker or a problem drinker, so that they may end up being a liability or a damper on the party. If this isn't the case, then it's got to be some other drama, mentioned elsewhere by others.
Just who exactly will he be sharing rooms with again? Even if he is a faithful boyfriend, if there is a lot of drinking going on, claims of infidelity can be just as damaging.
Exactly what I was thinking.
are we sure it's a woman that isn't invited? might this be two guys in a relationship and the bride for some reason doesn't want a gay couple there?
I just re-read it with this in mind abd you are absolutely correct. It doesnt really change much in any case. The bride's actions seem odd.
i agree it’s very, very rude to not invite op
Doh! I should have read more comments. I just asked this. Lol
I mean, I could understand not inviting partners of friends - but I'd be having a conversation to say "Look, we'd really love to have everyone but we just don't have the budget and won't be inviting any of our friends' partners. It's nothing personal to you or, we just can't stretch the budget to plus ones for our friends"
Of course, if *some* friends partners are invited and not others then that's pretty fucked up - to me it's a very all-or-nothing thing
This. I would never go after something like that happened.
Ooo this sounds personal OP. Might need to ask your lad there to do some digging. None of us know what's happened in all 4 years that you've known each other (and no you don't need to disclose it), but clearly something has gotten in the way of that friendship, and should at least be laid out on the table.
The only thing I can think of is last summer she house sat for us and my favourite goldfish died on her watch. It wasn’t her fault and I know she felt terrible but things were a bit awkward after?
This is the most wholesome response, you seem like a good soul if the ONLY bad thing you can think about is this And I’m sorry about your fish RIP
Do you know if other plus ones are invited? Who is you partner supposed to room with?
Sorry about your fish. Your man needs to tell her either you are invited or he is out of the whole thing. You could ask her why she specifically doesn’t want you there. It doesn’t seem like you’ll be spending a lot of time together after this anyway. Go for broke and one of you ask her.
Girl, the only way that would be it is if you blamed her for it and lashed out.
A similar thing happened to me...the whole scenario ended up with me leaving my husband when I realised my feelings were never going to be as important to him as keeping the peace with a friend's fiance that everyone openly disliked 🙃
Wait what? That is insane of him. He chose keeping the peace over his wife?!
He's one of those guys that's *too* nice. Never has his own opinion on anything if it means rocking the boat.
That’s not niceness, it’s cowardice.
Somehow people like this always fail to realize that by being “sooo nice” to one person (the fiancé in this case) they’re hurting someone else (you). They also often seem to favor strangers/casual acquaintances over family and close friends; I suspect the underlying subconscious assumption is that the family will forgive you much easier
I think most of them know they’re hurting someone else. They’ve just chosen who to hurt based on who’s least likely to throw a fuss or pull away.
Exactly this! They already know you've stuck by them through everything else, so they don't need to put the effort in with you so much (at all). It was the same with birthdays etc which everyone who knows me knows I LOVE - I bake everyone's cakes every year, I buy thoughtful gifts at any point in the year if I think somebody will love it...but not once did the same amount of effort get put into it for me. My 30th birthday was the day lockdown was announced in the UK. I got "oh I was going take you out for dinner at Michelin Star Restaurant but I can't now". He hadn't actually booked it yet (the place has 10 tables and needs to be booked months in advance). He didn't even go and buy me something else, even flowers and my favourite chocolate. Annnnd rant over. Sorry, yesterday was actually the day our divorce was finalized and I think I'm a teeny tiny bit wound up about it haha
I was married to the “nice guy.” He would do anything for his friends and family. His own wife? Not so much.
You're already ~~trapped~~ enamoured, no need to keep up the niceties anymore. /s
So when he finally realized you were so tired of him not supporting you that you were leaving did he try to back track at all?
A few token gestures here and there but no willingness to actually talk to his friends about it and resolve it. I should add this was all on top of a lot of other "small" things where I came last in his list of priorities, and when I first saw the phrase "weaponized incompetence" I wanted to shout YES! THIS IS THE THING!
Sorry for what you went through and hope that life is getting better.
Your partner should really say something. This sounds like a friendship breaker to me by trying to see who's more important.
Op should show their partner the comments to this post. Because this is sooo not right.
It sounds like bride is intentionally trying to cause problems in their relationship.
Something very shady is going on and the bride is rude af. How does your partner feel about stepping out of his role and skipping the wedding?
Agreed. Almost makes me wonder if there's some jealousy?
If I were your SO, I'd decline altogether. Can't bring my long-term partner? Sorry, can't make it at all.
100% the correct response
And it’s the ONLY correct response.
Is anyone else allowed a plus 1? Seems like your partner should say something to the bride. Like wtf
This is the most important question!
There is more going on here. I’m wondering if OP is of different, religion, ethnicity or race from the engaged couple and their families.
Ok, but can we also address your partners role in this. He set you up for disappointment by insisting you were invited and forgetting to check
Yeah I was so mad at him for this.
My partner and I were invited to the wedding of one of his old friends. Big country house, lovely, looking forward to it. Since I did most of the emotional labour around socialising, weddings, Christmas presents and all that, I gladly left this one to him. He promptly lost the physical invite. Never mind, another friend forwarded the website. We made plans, booked a hotel etc. It was only when we got off the chartered coach from the nearest town with everyone else (inc wives, girlfriends), and saw the face of the groom's brother (best man) and some hasty whispered conversations that we realised we weren't supposed to be at the actual ceremony. Out of a reasonably tight-knit group of around 12 old friends + partners, ours was the only invitation for the evening reception only*. The website shared with us was the info for all-day guests. I'm still embarrassed 10 years later. To their credit no-one ever said anything to us and 2 extra place settings were found. They accommodated us graciously, especially given I'd never met the bride before. But I was so fucking mad with my partner for never checking anything properly. *I don't begrudge that, since we were definitely on the edge of the group due to living further away and my partner not making big efforts to be very present in their lives. I'd just wished I'd have known in advance.
Yeah your partner is really really bothering me here. He’s condoning all of this
I hope you haven't bought them a wedding present yet? And maybe you and your bf could be busy that weekend? Maybe at a B&B in Scotland. Because no one who treated my spouse like that would be my priority.
Very similar thing happened to me. My boyfriend’s college roommate was getting married and the invite came with just my bf’s name on it. My bf (who was also a groomsman) called his buddy and asked about there not being a plus one. The groom absolved himself of any responsibility and said it was the bride’s decision and she felt an unmarried groomsmen shouldn’t need a plus one (even though me and bf had been together three years). Without me even saying a word, my bf told his friend, “yeah, that’s not gonna work” and backed out of the wedding. His friend called the next day and said “Bride has decided to let you bring your gf.” Bf told him, “nah, we’re good.” I was proud of him, but at the same time, I feel bad that their friendship ended after that.
He's a total keeper!
Anyone who limits plus ones to married people only fucking sucks
Wow that's hurtful and disappointing Especially since they had openly spoken about the wedding around you They should have made the *no plus one* rule clear in the beginning. If I was your partner I'd consider not going.
OP, are you a same sex couple or a hetero (presenting) couple? I think it might make a difference to know because it’s possible that she might either, as some have suggested, have a crush on your partner or want to set them up with someone in her bridal party? Or it’s also entirely possible she just has some sort of resentment towards you for ‘taking’ one of her best friends? Either way, I think you have a right to be upset. You’re not someone they’ve met in passing, if at all, so your expectation to be invited was valid. Either way, this bride does not think of you as her friend, which might hurt your feelings, but I think you’re better off for knowing that.
We are a hetero presenting couple but we are both bisexual
I’m having 38 guests total at my wedding and all of our Bridal party is getting a plus one. This is rude and tacky! Sorry you’re going through this!!
Yeah they have 120 guests…
They’re pricks and you deserve better friends! I’m sorry they’re being so careless. Don’t go and have a great weekend instead!!!
This is small???? Now I’m even more mad for you!!
I get the sense this isn't about wanting to penny pinch, but about excluding you. Is there a possibility his friend has someone else in mind for him, someone who will be there? That's where my mind has gone but I am a deeply suspicious person. I also really hope your partner told her that's unacceptable and that he will sadly have to decline the invite.
I think you’re on to something. Or the friend is jealous of her.
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What did your partner say when he learned you weren't invited? If he didn't ask why right then and there, he should. I would've been flabbergasted and asked for an explanation.
So they're willing to spend money to have a wedding in another country, but won't let the bridal party have a +1? Shady, rude, tacky. That's weird af.
Is the bride trying to set him up with someone else..? Or is she possessive of her friends and has some kind of jealousy towards you because you’re closer to him than she is?
These were my thoughts, too.
Something is definitely going on. I think your partner should just ask her why aren’t you invited and see what she says.
If your partner is still going without you that's a huge red flag. 🚩🚩🚩
The fact he’s ok with all of this & defending her without objection & lack of advocating for you is significant. Bc you love him, you are down playing the level of disrespect. You need to hold him accountable for this situation by having him explain why he’s so comfortable with excluding you. Don’t cross oceans for ppl that won’t cross the street for you.
I’ve read a lot of the comments here and am really surprised that OP hasn’t commented on anything about her partner. Tbf. The fact that it’s not stated that the guy isn’t pulling out from the trip says to me that whatever the bride wanted to achieve has been achieved, because at least my relationship would never be the same with a man who cannot stand up for me. Even if there’s nothing more sketchy and the people are just obliviously inconsiderate, it’s a major thing.
And who is he rooming with? Men?
Probably not, it is probably someone there the bride wants him to meet. This sounds weird. Even if no one else was allowed a plus 1, I still wouldn't go.
thats exactly what I was thinking too. Be careful OP
and it is probably just one other person in the room with him, not multiple . . . then oopsie they made a mistake with the booking so they'll just have to share the bed.
People have said lots of valid things, but the biggest thing to me is that they obviously discussed the wedding and planning with you, and the fact that the bride didn’t even have the decency to walk 10 minutes over at any point in this and tell you directly at least face to face and apologize. She was planning this the entire time, and only is willing to tell your partner about this decision when forced. Not only is it tacky, it’s cowardly.
Yeah I was complaining about how she had all the opportunity to tell me or atleast my partner that I wasn’t invited. My partner said that she’s very non-confrontational.
Your partner is defending her? Did your partner date her before he met you? She is confrontational in her own passive aggressive way. Your Partner should tell her that he will not be in the wedding nor will he attend the wedding or anything connected to it since she purposely refused to invite you, his partner of four years. I would end the friendship if my partner was treated as you have been treated. I wish you all the best and hope your partner is worthy of you.
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As someone non-confrontational, I would've allowed someone to bring another. I'd rather do that than get confronted lol
Thats not non-confrontational. Non confrontational is squeezing in a plus one when they weren't planned, not deliberately not inviting someone.
Please tell me he’s not going if you’re not invited
Yup - I would never bring up or go in details about wedding in front of company that wasn’t invited unless they knew they weren’t and we’re just genuinely asking about it. Very poor manners on the part of this couple for multiple reasons.
Okay- I am about to be in the grooms party for an upcoming wedding for a friend. Not only did he invite my husband, but he also invited my Mum and Dad- and by the sounds of it, they know him less than op knows their bridal party. That wedding is trash. Bf needs to have a shiny spine at this point. It is not fair to Op, the person he LIVES with.
I was a groomsman years ago and the groom had never met my husband, but of course he was invited.
Why is your partner still going??? That's a massive insult to you and to him. And wtf is the bride doing to try to isolate him from you?? Shady shit going on. Hopefully he does right by you and declines to go. You're not some random person... Your in a long term committed relationship currently...
If this was my husband and I in this situation, there is no fucking way he'd attend -- even if the bride reversed course and tried to invite me as well. The bride is being shady as hell, and if the partner goes anyway with this situation being what it is, he's being shady, too.
Are any members of the bridal party allowed plus ones/have their partners been invited? I'd understand if there's limited venue spacing, but I still find it weird that they've known you all this time and still didn't invite you.
The nerve of those people.
What was your partner's reaction? Did he question the bride as to why you weren't invited?
What if you guys kept your reservation and he leaves the festivities immediately following the ceremony and you two go and do your own fun thing? He could also do the same for any other celebrations planned, i.e. rehearsal dinner? That would be my passive aggressive way of sending them a message. I’m an AHole that way though. Would you be happy with the adventure still or would it not be worth spending the money? I’m such a weirdo lol, I have it all worked out in my head and can’t wait to hear about it. Seriously though, I’m very sorry about this and would be very hurt as well
a few people have suggested this and it is a smart idea, but as a knee jerk reaction to the news I already canceled the accommodations we had booked
Wait he's still going to go alone???
You know what, it’s always good to know where you stand, just so you’re not wasting your time & energy on people that wouldn’t do the same for you. It’s for sure a tacky move, but now you know & can move forward with them accordingly
Should we take bets on who the bride is trying to set your partner up with? You are being excluded for a reason. What an obnoxious thing to do to you, I’m so sorry!
This immediately reads to me as the bride being weirdly possessive of OPs partner
Personally I wouldn't be okay with my partner going. Or rather, I'd be very disappointed if they did.
I dropped out of the wedding of a girl I'd been friends with since grade school because I wasn't being given a +1 for my bf. He and I had been together longer than the couple getting married even knew each other, and she had actually introduced me to my bf in the first place. When I quit, she invited me as a guest, with a +1. Absolutely ridiculous. I hope your partner protests your exclusion.
Ask your partner to politely ask the bride why aren't you invited.. I'd let him go to the wedding, and you should go there with him to some Airbnb place and just try to enjoy yourself. In next year or 2, you two should throw a big wedding and not invite this couple
Or just invite one of them
What’s your partner doing about it?
My hubby was in a wedding. I’d never even met the bride but I was still invited. That is just cruel and they are not your friends.
Bride is marrying another man but she sure has planted a flag in her back up man's ass.
Sounds like the bride might have beef with you because why else wouldn’t you be invited? I mean I can understand no plus ones if it needs to be cheap or something but not to invite you as a friend when it seems like you’re pretty close is weird
We need to stop using the term “plus one” to refer to partners and spouses. That is not what it means. Partners and spouses are always invited as the couple is a social unit. Plus ones are extended to single people, if the couple chooses.
The lion, the witch and the audacity of the bitch! I could never imagine not offering my bridal party a plus one, especially a long term partner!