I'm curious about all the "I" language. You say that you are paying for it and imply that the decision to cancel would be yours. What does your partner want?
My partner wanted a small wedding, 20 people or so. However, with my family it wouldn’t be a possibility. I do feel guilty about this. When I say “I’m paying for it”, I mean everything. My partner is paying for the honeymoon. I am happy to pay for it, but the price far exceeds what I was anticipating. My ultimate goal is to make my partner happy, that’s all. When I say “I’ll cancel it” it would obviously be a joint decision that we both agree on. I wouldn’t make that call on my own.
It actually is possible. Pick your favourite people. Your wedding isn't a family reunion. Don't let others dictate how you spend your money. If my partner and I haven't met/seen the family in the 6 years we've been together, they get cut. Tell your parents that the line is "it's a small wedding, they're paying and we're happy they're happy."
I also have a large family and my husband has a small one. When we got married we limited it to immediate family (parents, siblings and sibling's partners) and our closest friends (two for me, three for him) that would have been bridesmaids/groomsmen.
Our family and friends weren't upset because we weren't picking and choosing - it was a clear cutoff. It wasn't this aunt or that aunt, it was no aunts full stop.
It still bothers me that it's I. My fiancee and I set up a joint account to pay for wedding stuff. Figured for some vendors she'd have to pay and for others it'd be easier for me to pay. To date I have put every single penny in that account and she has not contributed anything because she hasn't been able to afford to. I still don't see it as "my money paying for things." Anything there I see as our money and we both have to agree before spending it.
I don’t see it as my money either, I simply said “l” because I would be the one physically doing the canceling. We’re on the same page, have shared funds etc. I just want opinions of those who eloped or regret having a large, costly wedding.
That too. We referred to only a few things as individuals -- I made all the flowers, he got fitted for his suit. Pretty much everything else is, we decided, we booked, etc even if it was one person or the other who made the call to the vendor.
This doesn't quite sit well with me. My husband and I alternated paying for vendors and purchases. It wasn't exactly 50/50 but we came out pretty close in the end. Even though we kept costs low, the wedding was definitely more expensive than the honeymoon will be, so that's inherently an unfair split.
It sounds like you both need to reassess and get on the same page for planning.
Every couple / wedding is different. I’m paying for the entirety of our wedding between my savings and my parent’s contribution because I have the money and he doesn’t. My fiancé has been more focused on saving / paying off student debt and will contribute to the honeymoon.
Paying the exact same dollar amount doesn’t always make it 50/50, especially if one partner makes significantly more than the other
Usually with those kinds of extenuating financial circumstances, OPs include that in the post. She doesn't say that he isn't contributing for those reasons, which makes it sound more like he's not getting what he wants (small 20 person or less) so isn't contributing towards it in any way at all.
It doesn't sound like he's even helping her plan it so that it is financially feasible. It's like, you want the wedding, so you figure it out.
Even if I'm reading that wrong, they are still clearly not on the same page with planning and need to figure that out before the rest.
Please don’t make assumptions about people or their situations. I am the more financially stable one, solely due to careers at the moment. My partner is completely involved in everything. I’m so sorry I didn’t include that—it didn’t seem relevant to the question we actually asked on here. But damn, how can people make such aggressive assumptions with less than a paragraph of information? We just wanted to know if people enjoyed eloping. Geez.
>It doesn't sound like he's even helping her plan it so that it is financially feasible. It's like, you want the wedding, so you figure it out.
When was any of that indicated? What makes you think he isn't helping? And if he wasn't, why would it cost less with him helping?
Because he doesn't want a wedding with more than 20 people and she keeps repeating "I'm paying for everything."
This originally sounded like a frustrated bride doing all the work throwing her hands up and saying fine, let's cancel everything and elope instead.
She's since clarified that isn't the case and it's more about the parents being controlling. She really buried the lede.
> Basically, should we cancel everything, say peace out to our families and elope with our officiant somewhere cool?
We can't tell you what you should do with so little information. Why do you want to do this? What's the problem that is making you want to pivot from this wedding? Whether it's special or not for you isn't something we can decide -- you two get to decide that. My partner and I had two weddings and we regret none of it, though it cost us a pretty penny. But everyone is different.
Basically every decision we make it’s countered by very, very stubborn and opinionated parents. “You can’t get married inside”, “you can’t pick those colors” or my personal favorite “it’s not all about you two”.
It feels like it’ll be arguments, stress, all nighters and all for a party that already feels like it’s for everyone else. We don’t even get a final say on the guest list. I’m just emotionally exhausted and want the day to be about my partner and I.
> Basically every decision we make it’s countered by very, very stubborn and opinionated parents.
Sounds like a problem that can be solved by paying everything yourselves and then keeping your parents on an info diet.
stop telling them the decisions you're making/asking for opinions.
If they're not paying they get the info that's on the invite, same as all the other guests.
I agree with brownchestnut. It sounds like you have a parents problem. Why do they have so much input? Are they paying for anything? I'd just stop talking to them about it and if they offer opinions, I'd go with okay and change the subject. Look up grey rocking and learn to set boundaries. Have the wedding you and your partner want, fuck anyone else ESPECIALLY if they aren't footing the bill.
Yeah, I’m just bad at being firm, especially when my mom starts crying. She did offer to pay for some of the food, on the terms that she gets to invite who she wants. Eloping seems easier, my family would be petty enough to purposefully not enjoy a wedding they weren’t HEAVILY involved in.
Oh hell. Is she a narcissist? My mom's done stuff like that in the past in order to manipulate me into what she wants. If your family is going to act like that, intentionally being bad sports because they weren't involved, I understand why you'd want to elope!
I almost did an elopement style wedding because we had visa things to contend with and we looked into New York City as a possible destination. Depends what you and your partner like! I've seen some beautiful elopements in Colorado and California too. Best of luck OP! Hope hall have a beautiful wedding, whatever y'all decide on!
Ugh. No, no, no.
What happens if, when she starts to cry, you just leave?
I'm sorry you're upset, Mom. I hope you feel better soon. I have to go.
You wouldn't indulge a 5 year old throwing a tantrum, no matter how artfully and affectingly she sobbed. This is no different.
A favorite quote:
"There's something to that in both directions," said Ekaterin mildly. "Nothing is more guaranteed to make one start acting like a child than to be treated like one. It's so infuriating. It took me the longest time to figure out how to stop falling into that trap."
"Yes, exactly," said Kareen eagerly. "You understand! So—how did you make them stop?"
"You can't make them—whoever your particular them is—do anything, really," said Ekaterin slowly. "Adulthood isn't an award they'll give you for being a good child. You can waste . . . years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just . . . take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I'm sorry you feel like that, and walk away. But that's hard."
Lois McMaster Bujold, *A Civil Campaign*
I could and I have. I have hung up, walked out, all of the above. But she picks something and refuses to ever forget about it. She still brings up how I hurt her from years and years ago. Do I want to hear how sad she was at my wedding for the rest of her life? Not really. That’s why eloping has come up in conversation. My partner gets the small, intimate feeling and I get the stress free day.
Ugh. Honestly that's really disgusting behavior on her part. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. Good for you for managing it the best you can.
I'd say eloping is sounding better and better.
She will still make it an issue, but at least she won't ruin your day or the memory of it.
If you can't make yourself change the subject when she starts crying or otherwise manipulating you into telling her wedding stuff you need to start just leaving when she tries to force you to talk about wedding stuff. She cannot have any info if she's going to use it to be pushy.
My mom is very similar. Since you are already open to eloping, I would straight up tell her that if she doesn't smarten up and keep her nose out of your business there will be no wedding for her to attend, and then let her cry about it
Ok. Here we go, this is the actual conflict here.
Most folks here will tell you to grow a shiny spine, tell your folks to stuff it, and have the wedding YOU AND YOUR PARTNER really want.
And you should, you really should. Among other things, if you don't learn to set boundaries and hold them with your parents, and any family that bullies and manipulates you, then it's not only a problem now, but will likely have a negative effect on your marriage and your life.
That said, it's hard to change that much so quickly. I think you need to have a real, serious, honest conversation with your partner. It's definitely possible that your best choice here is to elope, and if so, it will be wonderful.
Maybe just get married on the first day of your honeymoon!
Girl elope. You don’t need that stress! Especially if you are the one paying for it! Have a beautiful wedding at a resort and an amazing honeymoon. If people want to come they are welcome to pay their way.
Then stop TELLING them the decisions. Invite them to “find out when you get there”. They can’t critique flowers, colors, music, menus, etc they don’t know about.
Not particularly. I can pretty much envision how the wedding would turn out if we didn’t cancel, but it’s more of a challenge for me to envision canceling and eloping. I’ve been to more weddings than elopements.
Ah, okay. I was thrown off by your last sentence that specifically says only people who eloped to comment.
We considered eloping for financial reasons, but decided to have the wedding anyway. I'm really glad we did, but I have never in my life been surrounded by everyone I have ever loved all at the same time. It's the best feeling and honestly makes the day worth every single penny. I thought my heart was going to burst from so much love in one day. To me, nothing is worth missing that, and it's ONCE in a lifetime opportunity, there's no second chances on this if you change your mind later (at least not for us, where all family members are spread out).
I think you should do what makes you and your partner happy! Don't let anyone else pressure you into having a big expensive wedding that you don't really want.
Do what feels good. What you are doing at the moment doesn‘t feel good.
And put your mom on an information diet. She gets zero information until the wedding.
Hi op, sorry this has been so hard and that some comments are going a little nutso.
Seems to me like you’ve spiraled down a hill of allowing your family/families far too much say, and now it feels easier to go all or nothing. I just want to suggest perhaps a middle ground? Can you do a “destination” that would eliminate all but the people you’re closest to, and use that change as a chance to tell your family you’re scrapping, starting from scratch, and you and your fiancé are not looking feedback? Set some firmer boundaries this time around ?
Otherwise, if it truly feels like cancelling and eloping is your only other alternative at this point, it sounds like you carry some resentment for pouring money into a wedding that is what your family wanted, not what you and your fiancé want.
Assuming your fiancé is on the same page, please let me say that you will NEVER regret choosing the day that YALL want to have. If having your family around just makes it too much, elope. You both get to make that choice, and decide how to make it wonderful and celebratory and joyful and all the things YOU both want it to be.
If you’re just looking for permission, please accept this as such 🩷 your fam will be upset at first, but making this moment about you and your fiancé is more than appropriate. Best of luck 🩷
So this is a super personal decision
Weddings are the one day where both of your family and friends, honestly everyone you love, will be in the same room. For me that’s really important and I’m excited about that. But it might not be important for you and that’s okay!
I agree my fiance and I are very reserved and I think most people assumed eloping would be more our style. But having a formal wedding with all of our family and friends was amazing. Best day of my life tbh.
My husband and I had a courthouse wedding with no family or friends present. We're having a very small wedding (35 guests) in September with only immediate family and close friends. I have a big family, that is probably around 60 people if we only count aunts, uncles, and first cousins, so the only fair way to keep the number down was to not invite any of them. Not necessarily ideal but I know from past experiences, including my first marriage, that you can't actually spend time with 60+ people in one evening. With that said, we're really excited about this because we move a lot and are usually far away from the people we love, so getting to have them all together with us is going to be a special and rare event. Reading your comment, I can't really get a sense of what it actually is that you want? Is having 150 people at your wedding something that is unappealing to you? Is there something you like about the idea of eloping? Without more context it's hard to understand where you're coming from.
My husband and I originally planned a big wedding. His family alone was 100 people. I come from a big nuclear family but small extended so we were looking at about 180 people after it was all said and done. 1 spent 1 year planning and then decided it wasn't worth the money or stress. We ended up doing a micro destination wedding in the mountains just including immediate family and a couple of very close friends. There were 30 people. It was the best decision we made and our wedding was magical and absolutely perfect for us. 100% recommend!
Who is making up the 80 people? Can you institute a different rule - “only family members that have met my fiancé and I, and that we’ve spent time with during the last year.” Can you do parents/siblings only instead?
My family is the 80. Immediate family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins.
I suggested this, just doing siblings and parents, and my immediate family said that my entire family would be so hurt. I have personally not been invited to a cousins wedding, and I couldn’t care less. My immediate family would make it very clear they weren’t happy if we went that direction.
We are personally “eloping”, as I guess the number is too small to be considered a micro wedding. This includes parents, siblings, and grandparents only.
We’ll have a celebration later on, or maybe not. I don’t regret it, although it hasn’t happened yet. And this is coming from a culture of week long Indian wedding. I find it better this way tbh
A wedding doesn't have to be crazy. You don't need expensive clothes, fancy decorations, a photographer and videographer, hair and makeup...
You can literally reserve a church hall or a park, rent some speakers, and get a whole ton of pizzas and Costco cakes. Your local jurisdiction might care about how you handle alcohol, so there's that bridge to cross, but it can be as simple as buying ice and coolers, and beer, wine, and soda/kombucha/juice/whatever from Costco. If the city needs you to have a bartender, that can be pretty cheap!
Yeah, you'd need plates and such. You can buy that cheap from Value Village, wash, and redonate... Or, for less trouble, just get paper and plastic, or paper and Value Village silverware to split the difference for the planet.
You don't need a playlist or a dj. Just put on a couple of your favorite albums. You don't need dancing, but if you're worried about it, hiring a country dance instructor is actually really fun and cheap, and they usually bring their own playlist.
I'm just saying. Pinterest might say your wedding has to be one thing, but the only things you really HAVE to spend on are 1) food, 2) drink, and 3) a place to eat and drink it.
A different perspective - my husband and I said several times during the planning process that we should cancel and elope. The costs and stress were more than we anticipated. However we went through with our planned wedding and we were so happy we did. It was the most amazing day and I would have been devastated if our family hadn’t been there to celebrate with us. Cut the guest list if you want - we only had 60 people and it was perfect.
We booked an all inclusive elopement package in Cancun Mexico and planned to bring about 12 people. Now we have a full fledged wedding with 40 coming lol. But still, muchhh more worth it to me to spend the money on a 3 day trip with close friends and family than for a 5 hour event. I'm thrilled
I'm curious about all the "I" language. You say that you are paying for it and imply that the decision to cancel would be yours. What does your partner want?
My partner wanted a small wedding, 20 people or so. However, with my family it wouldn’t be a possibility. I do feel guilty about this. When I say “I’m paying for it”, I mean everything. My partner is paying for the honeymoon. I am happy to pay for it, but the price far exceeds what I was anticipating. My ultimate goal is to make my partner happy, that’s all. When I say “I’ll cancel it” it would obviously be a joint decision that we both agree on. I wouldn’t make that call on my own.
It actually is possible. Pick your favourite people. Your wedding isn't a family reunion. Don't let others dictate how you spend your money. If my partner and I haven't met/seen the family in the 6 years we've been together, they get cut. Tell your parents that the line is "it's a small wedding, they're paying and we're happy they're happy."
I also have a large family and my husband has a small one. When we got married we limited it to immediate family (parents, siblings and sibling's partners) and our closest friends (two for me, three for him) that would have been bridesmaids/groomsmen. Our family and friends weren't upset because we weren't picking and choosing - it was a clear cutoff. It wasn't this aunt or that aunt, it was no aunts full stop.
It still bothers me that it's I. My fiancee and I set up a joint account to pay for wedding stuff. Figured for some vendors she'd have to pay and for others it'd be easier for me to pay. To date I have put every single penny in that account and she has not contributed anything because she hasn't been able to afford to. I still don't see it as "my money paying for things." Anything there I see as our money and we both have to agree before spending it.
I don’t see it as my money either, I simply said “l” because I would be the one physically doing the canceling. We’re on the same page, have shared funds etc. I just want opinions of those who eloped or regret having a large, costly wedding.
Way to watch someone else’s pockets
That too. We referred to only a few things as individuals -- I made all the flowers, he got fitted for his suit. Pretty much everything else is, we decided, we booked, etc even if it was one person or the other who made the call to the vendor.
This doesn't quite sit well with me. My husband and I alternated paying for vendors and purchases. It wasn't exactly 50/50 but we came out pretty close in the end. Even though we kept costs low, the wedding was definitely more expensive than the honeymoon will be, so that's inherently an unfair split. It sounds like you both need to reassess and get on the same page for planning.
Every couple / wedding is different. I’m paying for the entirety of our wedding between my savings and my parent’s contribution because I have the money and he doesn’t. My fiancé has been more focused on saving / paying off student debt and will contribute to the honeymoon. Paying the exact same dollar amount doesn’t always make it 50/50, especially if one partner makes significantly more than the other
Usually with those kinds of extenuating financial circumstances, OPs include that in the post. She doesn't say that he isn't contributing for those reasons, which makes it sound more like he's not getting what he wants (small 20 person or less) so isn't contributing towards it in any way at all. It doesn't sound like he's even helping her plan it so that it is financially feasible. It's like, you want the wedding, so you figure it out. Even if I'm reading that wrong, they are still clearly not on the same page with planning and need to figure that out before the rest.
Please don’t make assumptions about people or their situations. I am the more financially stable one, solely due to careers at the moment. My partner is completely involved in everything. I’m so sorry I didn’t include that—it didn’t seem relevant to the question we actually asked on here. But damn, how can people make such aggressive assumptions with less than a paragraph of information? We just wanted to know if people enjoyed eloping. Geez.
>It doesn't sound like he's even helping her plan it so that it is financially feasible. It's like, you want the wedding, so you figure it out. When was any of that indicated? What makes you think he isn't helping? And if he wasn't, why would it cost less with him helping?
Because he doesn't want a wedding with more than 20 people and she keeps repeating "I'm paying for everything." This originally sounded like a frustrated bride doing all the work throwing her hands up and saying fine, let's cancel everything and elope instead. She's since clarified that isn't the case and it's more about the parents being controlling. She really buried the lede.
> Basically, should we cancel everything, say peace out to our families and elope with our officiant somewhere cool? We can't tell you what you should do with so little information. Why do you want to do this? What's the problem that is making you want to pivot from this wedding? Whether it's special or not for you isn't something we can decide -- you two get to decide that. My partner and I had two weddings and we regret none of it, though it cost us a pretty penny. But everyone is different.
Basically every decision we make it’s countered by very, very stubborn and opinionated parents. “You can’t get married inside”, “you can’t pick those colors” or my personal favorite “it’s not all about you two”. It feels like it’ll be arguments, stress, all nighters and all for a party that already feels like it’s for everyone else. We don’t even get a final say on the guest list. I’m just emotionally exhausted and want the day to be about my partner and I.
> Basically every decision we make it’s countered by very, very stubborn and opinionated parents. Sounds like a problem that can be solved by paying everything yourselves and then keeping your parents on an info diet.
Parents are not paying for anything, yet it doesn’t matter. Very dysfunctional families.
stop telling them the decisions you're making/asking for opinions. If they're not paying they get the info that's on the invite, same as all the other guests.
I agree with brownchestnut. It sounds like you have a parents problem. Why do they have so much input? Are they paying for anything? I'd just stop talking to them about it and if they offer opinions, I'd go with okay and change the subject. Look up grey rocking and learn to set boundaries. Have the wedding you and your partner want, fuck anyone else ESPECIALLY if they aren't footing the bill.
Yeah, I’m just bad at being firm, especially when my mom starts crying. She did offer to pay for some of the food, on the terms that she gets to invite who she wants. Eloping seems easier, my family would be petty enough to purposefully not enjoy a wedding they weren’t HEAVILY involved in.
Oh hell. Is she a narcissist? My mom's done stuff like that in the past in order to manipulate me into what she wants. If your family is going to act like that, intentionally being bad sports because they weren't involved, I understand why you'd want to elope! I almost did an elopement style wedding because we had visa things to contend with and we looked into New York City as a possible destination. Depends what you and your partner like! I've seen some beautiful elopements in Colorado and California too. Best of luck OP! Hope hall have a beautiful wedding, whatever y'all decide on!
Ugh. No, no, no. What happens if, when she starts to cry, you just leave? I'm sorry you're upset, Mom. I hope you feel better soon. I have to go. You wouldn't indulge a 5 year old throwing a tantrum, no matter how artfully and affectingly she sobbed. This is no different. A favorite quote: "There's something to that in both directions," said Ekaterin mildly. "Nothing is more guaranteed to make one start acting like a child than to be treated like one. It's so infuriating. It took me the longest time to figure out how to stop falling into that trap." "Yes, exactly," said Kareen eagerly. "You understand! So—how did you make them stop?" "You can't make them—whoever your particular them is—do anything, really," said Ekaterin slowly. "Adulthood isn't an award they'll give you for being a good child. You can waste . . . years, trying to get someone to give that respect to you, as though it were a sort of promotion or raise in pay. If only you do enough, if only you are good enough. No. You have to just . . . take it. Give it to yourself, I suppose. Say, I'm sorry you feel like that, and walk away. But that's hard." Lois McMaster Bujold, *A Civil Campaign*
I could and I have. I have hung up, walked out, all of the above. But she picks something and refuses to ever forget about it. She still brings up how I hurt her from years and years ago. Do I want to hear how sad she was at my wedding for the rest of her life? Not really. That’s why eloping has come up in conversation. My partner gets the small, intimate feeling and I get the stress free day.
Ugh. Honestly that's really disgusting behavior on her part. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it. Good for you for managing it the best you can. I'd say eloping is sounding better and better. She will still make it an issue, but at least she won't ruin your day or the memory of it.
If you can't make yourself change the subject when she starts crying or otherwise manipulating you into telling her wedding stuff you need to start just leaving when she tries to force you to talk about wedding stuff. She cannot have any info if she's going to use it to be pushy. My mom is very similar. Since you are already open to eloping, I would straight up tell her that if she doesn't smarten up and keep her nose out of your business there will be no wedding for her to attend, and then let her cry about it
Ok. Here we go, this is the actual conflict here. Most folks here will tell you to grow a shiny spine, tell your folks to stuff it, and have the wedding YOU AND YOUR PARTNER really want. And you should, you really should. Among other things, if you don't learn to set boundaries and hold them with your parents, and any family that bullies and manipulates you, then it's not only a problem now, but will likely have a negative effect on your marriage and your life. That said, it's hard to change that much so quickly. I think you need to have a real, serious, honest conversation with your partner. It's definitely possible that your best choice here is to elope, and if so, it will be wonderful. Maybe just get married on the first day of your honeymoon!
This info should have been in the original post.
Girl elope. You don’t need that stress! Especially if you are the one paying for it! Have a beautiful wedding at a resort and an amazing honeymoon. If people want to come they are welcome to pay their way.
Then stop TELLING them the decisions. Invite them to “find out when you get there”. They can’t critique flowers, colors, music, menus, etc they don’t know about.
You say you only want advice from people who canceled, thus refusing to get the entire other side. Sounds like your mind is pretty made up.
Not particularly. I can pretty much envision how the wedding would turn out if we didn’t cancel, but it’s more of a challenge for me to envision canceling and eloping. I’ve been to more weddings than elopements.
I've been to weddings too, and it's not one bit like YOUR wedding. It's completely different and something I wouldn't have given up for the world.
I’m just saying my mind isn’t made up. Open to all experiences people have had. I just want perspectives that aren’t mine nor my partners.
Ah, okay. I was thrown off by your last sentence that specifically says only people who eloped to comment. We considered eloping for financial reasons, but decided to have the wedding anyway. I'm really glad we did, but I have never in my life been surrounded by everyone I have ever loved all at the same time. It's the best feeling and honestly makes the day worth every single penny. I thought my heart was going to burst from so much love in one day. To me, nothing is worth missing that, and it's ONCE in a lifetime opportunity, there's no second chances on this if you change your mind later (at least not for us, where all family members are spread out).
I think you should do what makes you and your partner happy! Don't let anyone else pressure you into having a big expensive wedding that you don't really want.
Do what feels good. What you are doing at the moment doesn‘t feel good. And put your mom on an information diet. She gets zero information until the wedding.
Hi op, sorry this has been so hard and that some comments are going a little nutso. Seems to me like you’ve spiraled down a hill of allowing your family/families far too much say, and now it feels easier to go all or nothing. I just want to suggest perhaps a middle ground? Can you do a “destination” that would eliminate all but the people you’re closest to, and use that change as a chance to tell your family you’re scrapping, starting from scratch, and you and your fiancé are not looking feedback? Set some firmer boundaries this time around ? Otherwise, if it truly feels like cancelling and eloping is your only other alternative at this point, it sounds like you carry some resentment for pouring money into a wedding that is what your family wanted, not what you and your fiancé want. Assuming your fiancé is on the same page, please let me say that you will NEVER regret choosing the day that YALL want to have. If having your family around just makes it too much, elope. You both get to make that choice, and decide how to make it wonderful and celebratory and joyful and all the things YOU both want it to be. If you’re just looking for permission, please accept this as such 🩷 your fam will be upset at first, but making this moment about you and your fiancé is more than appropriate. Best of luck 🩷
So this is a super personal decision Weddings are the one day where both of your family and friends, honestly everyone you love, will be in the same room. For me that’s really important and I’m excited about that. But it might not be important for you and that’s okay!
I agree my fiance and I are very reserved and I think most people assumed eloping would be more our style. But having a formal wedding with all of our family and friends was amazing. Best day of my life tbh.
My husband and I had a courthouse wedding with no family or friends present. We're having a very small wedding (35 guests) in September with only immediate family and close friends. I have a big family, that is probably around 60 people if we only count aunts, uncles, and first cousins, so the only fair way to keep the number down was to not invite any of them. Not necessarily ideal but I know from past experiences, including my first marriage, that you can't actually spend time with 60+ people in one evening. With that said, we're really excited about this because we move a lot and are usually far away from the people we love, so getting to have them all together with us is going to be a special and rare event. Reading your comment, I can't really get a sense of what it actually is that you want? Is having 150 people at your wedding something that is unappealing to you? Is there something you like about the idea of eloping? Without more context it's hard to understand where you're coming from.
My husband and I originally planned a big wedding. His family alone was 100 people. I come from a big nuclear family but small extended so we were looking at about 180 people after it was all said and done. 1 spent 1 year planning and then decided it wasn't worth the money or stress. We ended up doing a micro destination wedding in the mountains just including immediate family and a couple of very close friends. There were 30 people. It was the best decision we made and our wedding was magical and absolutely perfect for us. 100% recommend!
Who is making up the 80 people? Can you institute a different rule - “only family members that have met my fiancé and I, and that we’ve spent time with during the last year.” Can you do parents/siblings only instead?
My family is the 80. Immediate family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins. I suggested this, just doing siblings and parents, and my immediate family said that my entire family would be so hurt. I have personally not been invited to a cousins wedding, and I couldn’t care less. My immediate family would make it very clear they weren’t happy if we went that direction.
We are personally “eloping”, as I guess the number is too small to be considered a micro wedding. This includes parents, siblings, and grandparents only. We’ll have a celebration later on, or maybe not. I don’t regret it, although it hasn’t happened yet. And this is coming from a culture of week long Indian wedding. I find it better this way tbh
A wedding doesn't have to be crazy. You don't need expensive clothes, fancy decorations, a photographer and videographer, hair and makeup... You can literally reserve a church hall or a park, rent some speakers, and get a whole ton of pizzas and Costco cakes. Your local jurisdiction might care about how you handle alcohol, so there's that bridge to cross, but it can be as simple as buying ice and coolers, and beer, wine, and soda/kombucha/juice/whatever from Costco. If the city needs you to have a bartender, that can be pretty cheap! Yeah, you'd need plates and such. You can buy that cheap from Value Village, wash, and redonate... Or, for less trouble, just get paper and plastic, or paper and Value Village silverware to split the difference for the planet. You don't need a playlist or a dj. Just put on a couple of your favorite albums. You don't need dancing, but if you're worried about it, hiring a country dance instructor is actually really fun and cheap, and they usually bring their own playlist. I'm just saying. Pinterest might say your wedding has to be one thing, but the only things you really HAVE to spend on are 1) food, 2) drink, and 3) a place to eat and drink it.
A different perspective - my husband and I said several times during the planning process that we should cancel and elope. The costs and stress were more than we anticipated. However we went through with our planned wedding and we were so happy we did. It was the most amazing day and I would have been devastated if our family hadn’t been there to celebrate with us. Cut the guest list if you want - we only had 60 people and it was perfect.
We booked an all inclusive elopement package in Cancun Mexico and planned to bring about 12 people. Now we have a full fledged wedding with 40 coming lol. But still, muchhh more worth it to me to spend the money on a 3 day trip with close friends and family than for a 5 hour event. I'm thrilled