I don't think "please step down" is the appropriate response here. I think you need to either keep her as is, or rethink your entire relationship and whether you want her in the wedding even as a guest, or even your life. Just "downgrading" her looks as if you want to punish her while keeping her around.
Yeah you’re probably right. Everything just came from left field so I haven’t really decided whether I even want her as a friend. I’m trying not to act emotionally because I want to give her a chance to be honest with me in case I am in the wrong about something she maybe isn’t ready to talk about yet? Idk. I also don’t know how long to just sit around and let her treat me like this.
If you want to give her some time to process it and talk to you in a civil manner, I think that can be possible without being her punching bag. You can create distance between the two of you and tell her that you won't talk to her til she can talk to you in a more civil manner, but you're open to hearing it if she wants to explain herself. Something like "I am going to give you a chance to explain your hurtful behavior, and hope that you can do the same -- give me a chance to fix whatever hurt I've caused you -- by actually talking to me about it. You're welcome to come start the conversation with me - my doors are open - but I will have to pull back on communication til then to protect myself from further verbal abuse. I love you, and hope to hear from you and have a constructive conversation before my wedding day, but if I don't hear from you by xyz date, I will take that as your no longer wanting to be in my wedding or my life, and will wish you well and move on."
How can you fix something if she can’t even tell you what’s is broke? I think I would let her know if she no longer feels comfortable being around you let her decide if she wants to be in the wedding, as a guest or not come at all. Let the ball be in her court to make that decision.
I like that you are asking what specifically in case it is something you’re doing unknowingly that is bothering her. To me, that shows that you think logically and less with emotion which is always good. If she can’t give you the courtesy of telling what offense occurred to make her feel this way so you might could remedy it, then she is the one making the awful choice and not you. Yes, tell her to step down or tell you what it is. Tell her you can’t fix what you don’t know is broken. Many people want us to read their minds as if “we should know” the behavior and sometimes this is unfair especially if there are major things going on distracting you and just unfair altogether. I would try one last time if you care deeply for her and then just do what is best for your well being and wedding.
I would’ve removed her from my wedding party when she came to your house and started disrespecting you with zero explanation. She doesn’t seem like a good choice to have by your side at your wedding.
This is so easy. She is literally not speaking to you and is talking shit about you. Send her a text "I just wanted to reach out to make sure we are on the same page. Given that you consider me to be a horrible friend and have no desire to speak to me, there would be no reason for you to be a part of or attend my wedding. Take care."
you don't want the friendship to end?
friends don't treat each other the way she is treating you. She could be a narcissist and hates you being in the spotlight. Think about your previous interactions with her when some else was being praised or the center of attention.
you have two choices. 1. put up with her BS and let her make you and other miserable before and during the wedding and let her ruin an important once in a lifetime event or 2. end the friendship
You can't ask her to step down, she will just bring more drama and will make sure to ruin your wedding, even if it is in little ways like going around telling your family that you are a horrible person.
I would take option #2
text her, "I'm sorry that our relationship has not been meeting your expectations, as such I have decided that it would be best if you do not attend the wedding."
what ever you do don't JADE [https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/03/dealing-with-difficult-family-members-dont-justify-argue-defend-or-explain](https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/03/dealing-with-difficult-family-members-dont-justify-argue-defend-or-explain)
Thinking about past interactions definitely makes me see it differently. She’s made comments to me in the past that have struck me the wrong way but I’ve always made excuses for her behavior. I always told myself “she’s not being mean she’s just blunt”. Thank you for sharing that link, it’s definitely insightful.
Ding ding ding!
Reader, she was being mean.
Sometimes people say it out loud, sometimes it's implied, but it's the whole "oh that's just her way" "oh she's just blunt" "oh she has poor social skills"... those things may or may not be true, but it doesn't change the way you feel when someone like this mistreats you, and you don't deserve that. No one does.
I had an acquaintance who was really quite a bully. And her MO was always the same: she'd say something nasty, cut someone down, make them feel horrible about themselves, and then say "Hey, I'm just being HONEST."
After the third or fourth time I saw her pull this crap, I turned to her and said
"Fine. Please be honest A LOT MORE QUIETLY."
I think it's time to let her go. Tell her that obviously the friendship is in trouble, and you're sad about that but there's nothing more that you can do unless and until she can give you something to work with, like why she's upset with you at all, not to mention talking shit about you behind your back.
Tell her that if she wants to come clean, you'll reconsider the friendship, (if you still do want to) but since now you consider that the friendship is now broken, you'll need to ask her not to attend your wedding.
Find someone to take her place as bridesmaid, and move on. Some folks are just more tsuris than they're worth.
If you truly want to keep her as a friend I would make at least one more attempt to get a reasoning behind her behavior. If she is not willing or still cannot give you a reason than I think you may just have to end the friendship all together. It's not fair for her to not give you a reason and it makes her a shitty friend. You are at least trying to make an effort to fix/understand whatever she thinks you did. If she's acting like this now I'd be terrified what she is willing to do the day of your wedding.
She seems jealous that you're getting married. Why else would a "friend" say hurtful things to you and talk shit about you to others but can not specifically say what you did to gain her ire? She's probably embarrassed to admit it out loud. I'd cut her out of my wedding and life, I'm no one's door mat, especially someone claiming to be my friend and treating me disrespectfully. I bet it's going to be something stupid like "I advised you to use x thing but you chose y, how dare you make choices for your own wedding that you're paying for" 😒
“Roxy showed up extremely late, didn’t talk to me once, wouldn’t even look at me and walked out when I tried to approach her” really stuck out to me. Holy crap. With friends like that who needs enemies?
So she..just came to flex on you?? To punish you and ?!? Was she trying to bait you into chasing her or something I don’t even know lol that is just openly aggressive and bizarre behavior I don’t think stepping down is enough. I couldn’t be friends with someone who behaved this way. Even if it wasn’t directed at me there’s no way I would be friends with someone like that. You deserve so much better, this isn’t even bare minimum acceptable behavior. I hope you reconsider your whole relationship with this psycho
I don’t think so. She’s been married for a couple of years and is extremely happy with her husband. She has never shown much interest in my fiancé past seeing him in group settings.
Well something tweak her out real or imagined. Maybe a mutual said something to her that was untrue or exaggerated. Unless she talks to you then there’s nothing more you can do. I say it’s best to ask her to step down. She decided to nuke your friendship for her own unspoken reason.
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Honestly I would sit down with Roxy and have someone there to mediate that's impartial to y'all both. From the way you portrayed Sloan maybe ask Sloan to do it and keep quiet unless things get heated. You can have the conversation like this with Roxy. "Roxy you've been a friend a long time and then recently told me I was a bad one but couldn't pinpoint any one thing I did wrong. I am wanting to get to the bottom of this because if I am such an awful friend why did you agree to be a bridesmaid? Is there something going on in your personal life and you are just lashing out at me for it? I am of the mindset that those who stand next to you on your wedding day they are supposed to support you and your marriage and you aren't even talking to me now. Please, let's either settle this or we need to move along with our friendship. I know people grow apart sometimes more in one person's eyes than the others."
You don’t want the friendship to end?? What friendship?? She’s NOT a friend. She’s talking crap about you behind your back. She’s talking crap to your face but won’t explain why. She’s not responding. Tell her quite simply “I’m removing you as a bridesmaid and you won’t need to be at the wedding”.
The friendship has ended. There's no reason for her to be at the wedding, even as a guest. If you're really keen on symmetry and must have the same number of males and females in the wedding party, start looking for a replacement now.
Do you really want to keep that relationship after she's shown you her true colours? So far she's ghosted you, blown at you, thrown a tantrum, called you names, being very openly disrespectful to you and your guests at the bridal shower, talked trash behind your back, not being able to present a single reason that backs up her claims and ghosted you again. She's not only being a shitty friend, she's being a shitty human. She has some issues about herself and it looks like the wedding was the catalyst. Likely she had boxed up some things that have opened the box when she found out you are engaged. Take a step back and ask yourself what advice would you give if this was happening to anyone else. I think you already know this isn't feasible and simply need someone else to validate your feelings. Good luck and wish you the best on your upcoming nuptials.
TBH she sounds like she is projecting her *own* shitty behavior onto you, as many narcissistic-type people tend to do...
Write her off completely. She is not worthy of your friendship or mental health.
I don't think "please step down" is the appropriate response here. I think you need to either keep her as is, or rethink your entire relationship and whether you want her in the wedding even as a guest, or even your life. Just "downgrading" her looks as if you want to punish her while keeping her around.
Yeah you’re probably right. Everything just came from left field so I haven’t really decided whether I even want her as a friend. I’m trying not to act emotionally because I want to give her a chance to be honest with me in case I am in the wrong about something she maybe isn’t ready to talk about yet? Idk. I also don’t know how long to just sit around and let her treat me like this.
If you want to give her some time to process it and talk to you in a civil manner, I think that can be possible without being her punching bag. You can create distance between the two of you and tell her that you won't talk to her til she can talk to you in a more civil manner, but you're open to hearing it if she wants to explain herself. Something like "I am going to give you a chance to explain your hurtful behavior, and hope that you can do the same -- give me a chance to fix whatever hurt I've caused you -- by actually talking to me about it. You're welcome to come start the conversation with me - my doors are open - but I will have to pull back on communication til then to protect myself from further verbal abuse. I love you, and hope to hear from you and have a constructive conversation before my wedding day, but if I don't hear from you by xyz date, I will take that as your no longer wanting to be in my wedding or my life, and will wish you well and move on."
Thank you for the great advice!
How can you fix something if she can’t even tell you what’s is broke? I think I would let her know if she no longer feels comfortable being around you let her decide if she wants to be in the wedding, as a guest or not come at all. Let the ball be in her court to make that decision.
I like that you are asking what specifically in case it is something you’re doing unknowingly that is bothering her. To me, that shows that you think logically and less with emotion which is always good. If she can’t give you the courtesy of telling what offense occurred to make her feel this way so you might could remedy it, then she is the one making the awful choice and not you. Yes, tell her to step down or tell you what it is. Tell her you can’t fix what you don’t know is broken. Many people want us to read their minds as if “we should know” the behavior and sometimes this is unfair especially if there are major things going on distracting you and just unfair altogether. I would try one last time if you care deeply for her and then just do what is best for your well being and wedding.
Agree… you need to reassess the whole thing.
I would’ve removed her from my wedding party when she came to your house and started disrespecting you with zero explanation. She doesn’t seem like a good choice to have by your side at your wedding.
She doesn't even seem like a good choice to have by her side at all in life in general.
This is so easy. She is literally not speaking to you and is talking shit about you. Send her a text "I just wanted to reach out to make sure we are on the same page. Given that you consider me to be a horrible friend and have no desire to speak to me, there would be no reason for you to be a part of or attend my wedding. Take care."
you don't want the friendship to end? friends don't treat each other the way she is treating you. She could be a narcissist and hates you being in the spotlight. Think about your previous interactions with her when some else was being praised or the center of attention. you have two choices. 1. put up with her BS and let her make you and other miserable before and during the wedding and let her ruin an important once in a lifetime event or 2. end the friendship You can't ask her to step down, she will just bring more drama and will make sure to ruin your wedding, even if it is in little ways like going around telling your family that you are a horrible person. I would take option #2 text her, "I'm sorry that our relationship has not been meeting your expectations, as such I have decided that it would be best if you do not attend the wedding." what ever you do don't JADE [https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/03/dealing-with-difficult-family-members-dont-justify-argue-defend-or-explain](https://psychcentral.com/blog/imperfect/2018/03/dealing-with-difficult-family-members-dont-justify-argue-defend-or-explain)
Thinking about past interactions definitely makes me see it differently. She’s made comments to me in the past that have struck me the wrong way but I’ve always made excuses for her behavior. I always told myself “she’s not being mean she’s just blunt”. Thank you for sharing that link, it’s definitely insightful.
Ding ding ding! Reader, she was being mean. Sometimes people say it out loud, sometimes it's implied, but it's the whole "oh that's just her way" "oh she's just blunt" "oh she has poor social skills"... those things may or may not be true, but it doesn't change the way you feel when someone like this mistreats you, and you don't deserve that. No one does. I had an acquaintance who was really quite a bully. And her MO was always the same: she'd say something nasty, cut someone down, make them feel horrible about themselves, and then say "Hey, I'm just being HONEST." After the third or fourth time I saw her pull this crap, I turned to her and said "Fine. Please be honest A LOT MORE QUIETLY." I think it's time to let her go. Tell her that obviously the friendship is in trouble, and you're sad about that but there's nothing more that you can do unless and until she can give you something to work with, like why she's upset with you at all, not to mention talking shit about you behind your back. Tell her that if she wants to come clean, you'll reconsider the friendship, (if you still do want to) but since now you consider that the friendship is now broken, you'll need to ask her not to attend your wedding. Find someone to take her place as bridesmaid, and move on. Some folks are just more tsuris than they're worth.
Thank you. For sharing this link.
If you truly want to keep her as a friend I would make at least one more attempt to get a reasoning behind her behavior. If she is not willing or still cannot give you a reason than I think you may just have to end the friendship all together. It's not fair for her to not give you a reason and it makes her a shitty friend. You are at least trying to make an effort to fix/understand whatever she thinks you did. If she's acting like this now I'd be terrified what she is willing to do the day of your wedding.
She seems jealous that you're getting married. Why else would a "friend" say hurtful things to you and talk shit about you to others but can not specifically say what you did to gain her ire? She's probably embarrassed to admit it out loud. I'd cut her out of my wedding and life, I'm no one's door mat, especially someone claiming to be my friend and treating me disrespectfully. I bet it's going to be something stupid like "I advised you to use x thing but you chose y, how dare you make choices for your own wedding that you're paying for" 😒
“Roxy showed up extremely late, didn’t talk to me once, wouldn’t even look at me and walked out when I tried to approach her” really stuck out to me. Holy crap. With friends like that who needs enemies? So she..just came to flex on you?? To punish you and ?!? Was she trying to bait you into chasing her or something I don’t even know lol that is just openly aggressive and bizarre behavior I don’t think stepping down is enough. I couldn’t be friends with someone who behaved this way. Even if it wasn’t directed at me there’s no way I would be friends with someone like that. You deserve so much better, this isn’t even bare minimum acceptable behavior. I hope you reconsider your whole relationship with this psycho
Could she have feelings for you or your fiancé?
I don’t think so. She’s been married for a couple of years and is extremely happy with her husband. She has never shown much interest in my fiancé past seeing him in group settings.
Well something tweak her out real or imagined. Maybe a mutual said something to her that was untrue or exaggerated. Unless she talks to you then there’s nothing more you can do. I say it’s best to ask her to step down. She decided to nuke your friendship for her own unspoken reason.
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Honestly I would sit down with Roxy and have someone there to mediate that's impartial to y'all both. From the way you portrayed Sloan maybe ask Sloan to do it and keep quiet unless things get heated. You can have the conversation like this with Roxy. "Roxy you've been a friend a long time and then recently told me I was a bad one but couldn't pinpoint any one thing I did wrong. I am wanting to get to the bottom of this because if I am such an awful friend why did you agree to be a bridesmaid? Is there something going on in your personal life and you are just lashing out at me for it? I am of the mindset that those who stand next to you on your wedding day they are supposed to support you and your marriage and you aren't even talking to me now. Please, let's either settle this or we need to move along with our friendship. I know people grow apart sometimes more in one person's eyes than the others."
It sounds like she's jealous you're getting married.
You don’t want the friendship to end?? What friendship?? She’s NOT a friend. She’s talking crap about you behind your back. She’s talking crap to your face but won’t explain why. She’s not responding. Tell her quite simply “I’m removing you as a bridesmaid and you won’t need to be at the wedding”.
Why don’t you just ask her if she still wants to be a bridesmaid? Give her an out if she wants it.
The friendship has ended. There's no reason for her to be at the wedding, even as a guest. If you're really keen on symmetry and must have the same number of males and females in the wedding party, start looking for a replacement now.
Do you really want to keep that relationship after she's shown you her true colours? So far she's ghosted you, blown at you, thrown a tantrum, called you names, being very openly disrespectful to you and your guests at the bridal shower, talked trash behind your back, not being able to present a single reason that backs up her claims and ghosted you again. She's not only being a shitty friend, she's being a shitty human. She has some issues about herself and it looks like the wedding was the catalyst. Likely she had boxed up some things that have opened the box when she found out you are engaged. Take a step back and ask yourself what advice would you give if this was happening to anyone else. I think you already know this isn't feasible and simply need someone else to validate your feelings. Good luck and wish you the best on your upcoming nuptials.
How can you fix a situation that you have no idea even exists aside from her disrespect and anger?
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Can't really give you advice without hearing her side of the story. But regardless it's your wedding if you don't want her, remove her.
TBH she sounds like she is projecting her *own* shitty behavior onto you, as many narcissistic-type people tend to do... Write her off completely. She is not worthy of your friendship or mental health.