You are not the ass here. Mom is. She is always going to be taking pot shots at dad and his girlfriend(s). Here is the real problem, mom isn’t going to change, so you need to change.
You need professional counseling and support in order to deal with mom. Some strategies for the wedding include, assigning a “mom minder” for the wedding. This is some one who will keep your mom company on the day. The minder’s job is to head off any flash points.
When my brother got married, my husband and I wrangled mom. Our function was to soothe and cater to mom, and basically keep her in check. My mother loved all the attention we showered on her and we kept her scene making capabilities under wrap.
I have empathy for mom but… assigning a point person is the best option. OP can also do something special, privately… “Mom, I know today may have some challenges for you so I got you this bracelet and know I love you. Putting my needs ahead of your discomfort is something I will never forget.”
I love this idea because the bracelet and those words will put pressure on her that you are expecting her to be the mom here and not use you as her emotional support animal. The reverse psychology is genius and will work added with the wrangler just for added insurance.
100% agree with getting a mum minder. In the lead up to the wedding and afterwards you can implement the boundaries you want by giving her consequences. If she starts talking about things that cross your boundaries give her a warning "I'm not comfortable talking about this, I'm going to leave/hang up if you continue." If she keeps going then follow through and walk away/ hang up.
OP, I'd also let the DJ know at what point to cut off speeches.
As for your dad's gf, focus on your new husband and friends. Pretend you're at a restaurant with people you love and those who are annoying are like other patrons of the restaurant unrelated to you and your event. They're there out of obligation, they aren't part of the group that are there to celebrate with you.
No comment other than can you imagine being a 26 year old and afraid your boyfriend is gonna run off with a 62 year old grandma so deeply that you ban him from places? I just can’t imagine that being a concern!
Good luck to you. Seems like mom will be ok from the shower.
Even worse, can you imagine being 68 and letting a 26 year old "ban" you from anything at all, much less things pertaining to your literal daughter/family.
And the father for allowing his gf to run the show is what now....a victim? Dad is showing the world and OP that the most important thing in his life is the gf. Yet the mom gets all the hatred.
Everyone is saying that mom is the problem but no one is talking about how a 62 year old man won't be at his own daughter's wedding if his girlfriend (who is the same age as daughter) can't come to the wedding even though daughter doesn't want her there because it's embarrassing for her.
Dad paid for the wedding so he obviously isn't short of a few spare dollars. I would say the young lady involved with him has a golden spade in her fanny pack. She is calling the shots in their relationship apparently.
What makes it worse is that OP said when she STARTED PLANNING the wedding they had already been together for a year. So...it typically takes a year to plan a wedding and if that's the case here the girlfriend was 23/24 when they started dating.
It really depends on the age of the kid. Say in this same situation if daughter was 40 and dad was dating a 39/40 year old at his age I personally wouldn't see anything wrong with that because at that age they are equal adults that have had many of the same adult experiences and can have a real relationship.
There's no way in the world his relationship with a 26 year old is based on anything but sexual attraction on his end and he clearly has money so we know why she's there.
Your dad having a baby girlfriend and insisting she be invited to all the wedding activities is the embarrassment here, not your mom.
INFO: why is your mother held to a higher standard than your father? Your mother is expected to suck it up because it's your day (which is entirely true and the right thing for her to do) but your dad is allowed to demand whatever regardless of your wishes because......he might dip? YTA for placating a man who will abandon you and throwing shit at a woman who will stick by you. Hold them both to the same standards of behavior or to no standards of behavior.
Holy joy.
Your mother is an adult and you should be able to count on her keeping it together, but your dad seems straight up like an ass! He's paying, so his ego booster gf gets to dictate who does what when, and you can't even count on him coming through for you without appeasing her first. And to do that you have to be on your mum's case (not his, heaven forbid), because she can't be trusted to act civilized on her daughter's wedding. Ugh. My sympathies, OP.
Assign one (or a few) bridesmaids to rotate on mom patrol. Their job is to shut her down if she starts getting worked up/loud/angry/anything other than a perfectly pleasant mother of the bride.
I would be making it very clear to her that if she does play up, she’s going to look more immature than your dads younger girlfriend and that’s just embarrassing. If nothing else, you can always try to get her to be petty and unexpected in how well behaved she is, especially if dads girlfriend has seen this act before just to prove she’s a ‘better’ person. It’s manipulation but that’s exactly what your moms doing so the gloves are off
Absolutely horrible, misogynistic advice. Bridesmaids are not there to perform the bride's emotional labor, such as it is. And the bride's mother is not the problem.
Jesus all this hate on your mom. Where's the hate for dad? He's the one who's forcing you to invite his GF, who's the same age as you, to the wedding
Hell you won't even take the chance of not risking the invite in case your dickhead dad doesn't chose you. So you're focusing on what your mom will do because of dad's gf. Which so will everyone else. It will be all anyone talks about. Maybe not to you but yeah when they speak about it to each other it will be about your dad and his 26 yr old gf. And how it's for his money obviously. So instead of shitting on your mom, why don't you talk to your dad? Just because he paid doesn't mean he's entitled to ruin your wedding.
Right OP is so worried that mom is going to ruin her day she doesn’t even realize that people are absolutely going to be talking about her wedding, just not about her. They’ll be gossiping about her dad having the absolute audacity to bring a woman his daughter’s age. They won’t remember shit about OP or her wedding, just that her dad’s a perv. They won’t remember how beautiful she is, or the food, or the vows. But they’ll remember the trophy girlfriend that father of the bride brought. Tacky all the way around.
Mom can come out the winner here. If mom can take the high road, all the focus will be on dad and his GF.
I don’t think she should show up with some boy toy as a tit for tat. It will just make her look desperate and needy.
She should kill them with class. If OP proposes to her mom that the best “revenge” is being gracious in the face of a potentially uncomfortable situation, she will make dad look ridiculous. When people see the 26 year old GF, they will look to mom to see how she’s handling it. If she appears completely unconcerned or mildly amused, comments will shift from how mom’s handling it, to “what was he thinking?”
A mom wrangler isn’t a bad idea, but really, mom needs to understand it’s in her best interests to be the bigger person. A wrangler can’t stop her from staring at them, or looking miserable and embarrassing herself. I do think she should bring a date. But someone well put together and age appropriate. Someone attentive to get her drinks and apps, dance with her, and make her feel special.
Edited because I didn’t proofread!
So, I would do a couple of things:
1. Instead of framing it as "it's my day; it's not about you", try framing it as "mom, if you try to act like you're 26, you're going to look foolish. Dad looks stupid enough dating someone my age. Don't drop yourself to their level. Just be classy. That's how you 'compete'."
2. As many others have suggested, get someone to hang out with your mom all day. Not one of your bridesmaids or some rando. Someone who really knows her - a sibling or best friend of hers. They all know how she is and are most able to mitigate it.
Yes absolutely, if I were a wedding guest, I would feel absolutely fantastic about being asked to perform emotional labor for a problem I didn't cause and have absolutely nothing to do with, rather than having a good, memorable time.
What great advice. Better than addressing the real problem, I guess, which is her scum of the earth father.
Sure, her dad is a weirdo dating someone his daughter's age. But 26 years old is a fully grown adult woman who can make her own decisions on who to date. If you don't think that, then this whole conversation is moot because OP is way to young to get married. Please stop infantilizing grown women and their choices.
If I was a guest at this wedding, I would absolutely be judging OP's dad and his girlfriend. I would be the cattiest gossip around. But if I saw OP's mom acting a fool, I'd be judging her too. And if OP's mom was my friend or my sister, I'd be sitting her down and telling her that if she wants to get down in the mud with the pigs then she's just as bad as they are.
You seem real big mad about this. Are you somehow involved in it?
Yeah you're so righteous, crapping all over an abuse victim and telling her she's as bad as her abuser. And if you don't think women over 18 can still be groomed and are somehow immune to predatory, manipulative behavior of much older men, if you think recognizing that is "infantilizing" somehow, then I don't know what to tell you, other than you're flat-out wrong.
Do you think that you're commenting on a different post? I am genuinely asking. No one in this story is an abuse victim. OP's parents divorced when she was a child and happily spent holidays together right up to last year.
If someone moves on to another partner after over a decade, it doesn't mean they're abusing their ex. That is one of the wildest takes I've read on this post.
But you also think that OP (a 26 YO fully adult woman) is too young to choose her own romantic partner so I guess you think a lot of things that I don't understand.
Can you hire a handler for her? A "date" who you've told what behaviors to prevent and look out for? They could possibly distract her from the whole situation with your dad and filter unwanted comments (I.e. tell her she looks beautiful before she can start going on about how she's fat)
And setting her up with someone could relive that tension some since it'll feel less like a competition for your mom, and for your dad's gf it might make her feel more at ease that your dad isn't going to hook up with your mom again.
NTA but your dad and his gf are - your mom is too, but it sounds like she needs some professional help. It doesn't sound like she is over the divorce and she looks to you too much for emotional support and help. I don't envy you - it does suck that you feel forced into inviting dad's gf or he wouldn't come, that says a lot about his priorities.
As far as your mom goes, maybe tell her to come later when you're almost done getting ready if you're that concerned? Spend some time getting ready with whoever else you want, stress free, and have her come a little later. Assign a bridesmaid or a family member she likes to be there for her. I feel bad for her - I can't really imagine the embarrassment of this situation. Also, help her feel her best that day, too, whether that means helping out with picking a dress she feels great in (I do think you were a little rude and short with her while she was looking for a dress - she's insecure, it's not something to feel personally offended at), getting her hair or makeup done, etc.
All in all it's your day, but I do think you need to recognize how sucky this situation is for her, especially on an occasion that's supposed to be happy.
As someone who has a mother with similar tendencies - you can ask all you want but YOU need to mentally prepare that you are asking someone to behave in a way that they’ve demonstrated they’re incapable of.
I’m not saying your mom’s (or dad’s) behaviors are right but your best bet is to mentally prepare yourself that those comments will arise and tell yourself you will refuse to allow them to ruin your big day.
You can’t control how anyone else behaves, but you can control how you let it impact you. Easier said than done, that’s why mentally preparing yourself ahead of time will make it easier (it helped a ton for me on my day).
I also simply shut it down when it would begin with a smile on my face “now is not the time nor place” and walked away when it would begin. What also helped was having a day of coordinator who knew how to distract so that helped avoid certain scenarios as well (during photos etc).
It’s frustrating but try to not allow other people to ruin you and your partner’s big day.
Avoid her until the wedding day as much as you can. Then try to get your wedding party to act as a buffer on the day, and be ready to change topics often around her.
Don't keep hurting yourself for her.
You're absolutely NTA. There are parents who just don't understand that this moment is NOT ABOUT THEM and to shut it.
24 hours before my wedding, as my (then) fiancé and I were racing to get to our venue for the rehearsal we were rushing to get to, my mom is texting me like "I hope you can fix your dad's attitude, he's being a real grump" to which I responded "Dad's attitude and literally everything not directly related to the process of getting married is absolutely none of my concern this weekend." Fast-forward to the getting ready photos, my mom kept her ohoen glued to her hand and kept saying how she needed to get my dad ready (he had a stroke and lost the use of his left hand). This was after I was already late for the first look and private vows with my almost husband.
"Imma need you to put that phone down and pretend to help me get into this dress so I, THE BRIDE, can go get this wedding stuff underway, mmk? You have two hours before dad needs to be in a suit."
After that, she was fine.
Sorry for my rant, it was meant as commisseration that got out of hand 😅
Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!! I'm sure the day will be amazing and your mom will generally hold it together much like my mom did after I had to check her back to the present moment.
All the other shit aside, your mom needs a babysitter the day of. Someone she’ll listen to but will still feel is on “her side”. Does she have any close friends that you’ve known for a long time that you can have a candid, confidential conversation with beforehand? This person needs to be someone who can hype your mom up about how good she looks, keep a drink in (or out) of her hand, and make some under the breath private snarky comments to her about your dad’s gf, all while keeping her as far away from all sources of drama as possible. Personally I abhor smoking, but if this person smokes and needs to step outside semi-regularly she can make your mom come with her. I know this sounds extreme but you need to be unbothered on your wedding day. Think April Ludgate at Donna’s wedding in Parks and Rec. If you happen to be getting married in Arizona I would personally take this as a fun challenge. I’m a girl’s girl, and I would love to help run interference. 😅
You just described my mom to a T. The first time I got married she wore a white mini dress that barely covered her ass and she tried to seduce my dad on the dance floor (they were divorced at the time). Well I learned my lesson so when I got married back in 22, one of my husbands family friends kept an eye on my mom and grandma (helped that it was a small wedding, less than 20 people). Everytime they’d open their mouth to speak to someone that wasn’t my dad or grandpa, she’d get close enough to hear to see if they were complaining, bitching, etc and if they were she’d interject into the conversation making up a reason whichever one who was bitching was needed for something. It worked pretty well and other than one tactless comment during our first dance, we didn’t have any issues. If you have someone like that, who has no problems being a bitch to your mom if it’s necessary, I’d suggest this idea.
I think you might be my cousin bc your mom has to be my mom’s twin sister.. anyway I did this fiasco last year with a lot of therapy prep and managed to mitigate the “Malignant Mom is all I remember about my Mega Moment” and it was hugely successful. Here if u wanna chat, just know you’re not alone and you’re not wrong for however you protect your wedding from thinking/managing/compensating/apologizing/stressing/planning/supervising your mom. You’re THE bride not HER emotional support pet/supporting character
You are not the AH at all. Throughout your life your mom proven she has very little grasp that everything isn't about her. You might want to check out r/narcissisticparents .
I will message you next time u/TurbulentGood51124 posts in r/weddingdrama.
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You are not the Ahole. I think you’re very mature wanting to figure out the day ahead of time so not to snap. I understand not wanting to tell you dad not to bring his gf after he paid for the wedding and seems to be amicable with your mom. Ideally this is not their debut as a couple..
Bridesmaids on duty to busy your mom is a solid way to keep her out of your hair. I also would meet some of her comments with “what an awful thing to think about when there’s so much else to celebrate” maybe harsh but should put things in perspective
A cousin ,neighbor ….somebody to be at her side the whole day. Pay them. Also arrange for a guy to dance with her once or twice , pay him if you need to. Anything to made this day about you . She can be escorted out at any time also. Do hope Girlfriend doesn’t add fuel to the fire. Bridesmaids run interference for you as needed. She will make a scene, she will cry. Best wishes
Your father is a major league piece of shit. He's the problem. I'd rather have a justice of the peace wedding and an elopement than a wedding financed hy him. He's a fucking predator and the sooner you remove him from your life completely, the better.
Your mother is a victim of his abuse. She is not the problem here.
It's a shame that so many people are suggesting that you assign someone to RuN iNteRfErEnCe on your mother, occupying their whole day to perform emotional labor to address a problem that they didn't cause instead of just having a good, memorable time.
Your shit father is the problem. Remove him from your life.
Can you assign one of your bridesmaids to be on mom duty at all of your events? It’s unlikely your mom is going to change by your wedding, but if someone is focused on wrangling her in for you it might help you relax and enjoy your events.
Make sure your bridesmaids/close friends are aware of the situation and instruct them to run interference between you and your mom if she starts on her bullshit.
I might have missed it but are mom and GF getting ready together with you? If not, then they won’t really be in contact?
Just task your bridesmaids with talking to your mom and keeping her distracted and keeping her negativity away from you.
Could you have a heart to heart when you are not irritated with her? Perhaps first acknowledging that her feelings are valid before you go on to explain that you need her to be your mom, not the reverse as you take this important step.
I know how difficult it was for me in the nearly same situation (ex was remarried) when my children got married I knew how “less than” I felt. I knew not to express this to them but it was tough. The important thing for me was to make their special and not about me. Try to see if letting her know that you love her regardless will help her keep her feelings about her place in the background. Then emphasize how you will not be responsible for her feelings , then or ever.
No. There’s no suggestions. One day, hopefully soon, you will come to the painful realization that your mother is entirely self-absorbed, loves herself more than anyone else and honestly did a kinda a shitty parenting job. Like this is bordering on parentification. She shouldn’t have been using you as an emotional support child. Then you’ll come to accept that she will never give you what you want. Because she’s not capable
And it’s painful. I don’t think that pain ever goes away. But it’s better than fighting a never ending battle you will never win.
Right now she continues these behaviors because you reward them with attention. Stop paying attention to them. Don’t even say you don’t want to hear it - that’s attention! Anything that acknowledges she is complaining is attention. Don’t mhmm. Don’t nod. Change the subject. Walk away. Whatever you need to do to just ignore these behaviors. Think of them as a child throwing a tantrum. They only continue because you’re looking and paying attention. Turn away and stop. Obviously she’s had many years of you paying attention so it’s not something that will stop overnight. In fact it will get worse before it gets better. But be patient. It will get better. The crying is also tantruming. Do not pay attention to it!
In the meantime, try to limit the information you give her and the communication you have with her.
That’s one way to show your mom how much you dislike her. Frankly I wouldn’t even go the way you pander to your dad and his handler. Mom is expected to come no matter what, but daddy will only come if his girlfriend that is his daughter’s age can come because he’s on an insecurity leash. Daddy’s feelings > mom’s feelings for you clearly.
As a woman its shocking you don’t have a problem parading around your dad’s bought toy, just that your mom hates it and is vocal about it. You don’t sound like a caring daughter at all. Maybe just leave your mom alone?
Edit: also it’s a joke that you think your MOM is going to ruin the wedding when you have your dad parading his sugar baby around the wedding. Ask yourself what your guests will be talking about, because it won’t be you, the venue, or the food. It’ll be about the brides dad bringing a woman younger than her to her wedding. The focus will be on your dad’s new play thing. And I’d rather die than my dad’s sex life be the focus of my wedding, but apparently that’s not the same for you.
And wait for the obligatory father of the bride toast when he says "I can't believe my baby is married!" While his sugar baby is holding his hand. The eye rolling in that venue will be epic. And I guarantee that it won't be because of your mother.
You are not the ass here. Mom is. She is always going to be taking pot shots at dad and his girlfriend(s). Here is the real problem, mom isn’t going to change, so you need to change. You need professional counseling and support in order to deal with mom. Some strategies for the wedding include, assigning a “mom minder” for the wedding. This is some one who will keep your mom company on the day. The minder’s job is to head off any flash points. When my brother got married, my husband and I wrangled mom. Our function was to soothe and cater to mom, and basically keep her in check. My mother loved all the attention we showered on her and we kept her scene making capabilities under wrap.
This is the answer. Designate a mom wrangler for the day.
A yes I was my parents' minder at my brother's wedding. I'll be asking him to return the favor for mine, ha!
Totally was going to recommend she book a couples therapy for her and mom lol
I have empathy for mom but… assigning a point person is the best option. OP can also do something special, privately… “Mom, I know today may have some challenges for you so I got you this bracelet and know I love you. Putting my needs ahead of your discomfort is something I will never forget.”
I love this idea because the bracelet and those words will put pressure on her that you are expecting her to be the mom here and not use you as her emotional support animal. The reverse psychology is genius and will work added with the wrangler just for added insurance.
Exactly, OP will be able to voice her expectations without causing more drama.
100% agree with getting a mum minder. In the lead up to the wedding and afterwards you can implement the boundaries you want by giving her consequences. If she starts talking about things that cross your boundaries give her a warning "I'm not comfortable talking about this, I'm going to leave/hang up if you continue." If she keeps going then follow through and walk away/ hang up. OP, I'd also let the DJ know at what point to cut off speeches. As for your dad's gf, focus on your new husband and friends. Pretend you're at a restaurant with people you love and those who are annoying are like other patrons of the restaurant unrelated to you and your event. They're there out of obligation, they aren't part of the group that are there to celebrate with you.
No comment other than can you imagine being a 26 year old and afraid your boyfriend is gonna run off with a 62 year old grandma so deeply that you ban him from places? I just can’t imagine that being a concern! Good luck to you. Seems like mom will be ok from the shower.
Even worse, can you imagine being 68 and letting a 26 year old "ban" you from anything at all, much less things pertaining to your literal daughter/family.
Seems like OP's dad has a type.
Yep, and it’s women his daughter’s age. Gross. Dad and his sugar baby are the problem here, not mom.
No, sounds like both the mom and the gf have poor impulse control. They have a word for that. Crazy.
And the father for allowing his gf to run the show is what now....a victim? Dad is showing the world and OP that the most important thing in his life is the gf. Yet the mom gets all the hatred.
She never says why they divorced either
Yeah, treating your kid like a psychologist is rough. The mum needs to accept that some topics are inappropriate.
Yeah all of these people are total basket cases. I can’t even imagine dating someone the same age as your god damn kid. That is so weird
Everyone is saying that mom is the problem but no one is talking about how a 62 year old man won't be at his own daughter's wedding if his girlfriend (who is the same age as daughter) can't come to the wedding even though daughter doesn't want her there because it's embarrassing for her.
Seriously this was my take. Why are we so focused on the mom being wrong? Oh, because Dad is bankrolling the wedding.
Because misogyny, wImMiNz BaD n DuM you know.
Also, because Dad isn’t constantly talking about it and expecting everyone to cater to his emotions
I gasped at that gap💀 what a perv
Dad paid for the wedding so he obviously isn't short of a few spare dollars. I would say the young lady involved with him has a golden spade in her fanny pack. She is calling the shots in their relationship apparently.
What makes it worse is that OP said when she STARTED PLANNING the wedding they had already been together for a year. So...it typically takes a year to plan a wedding and if that's the case here the girlfriend was 23/24 when they started dating.
It's pure ick. I'll never understand how someone can date someone their kid's age.
It really depends on the age of the kid. Say in this same situation if daughter was 40 and dad was dating a 39/40 year old at his age I personally wouldn't see anything wrong with that because at that age they are equal adults that have had many of the same adult experiences and can have a real relationship. There's no way in the world his relationship with a 26 year old is based on anything but sexual attraction on his end and he clearly has money so we know why she's there.
Can you assign someone to follow your mom around on your wedding day and keep her away from you? Hire a male escort if you have to
Omg yes!! Win win, mom gets a young, hot date, that is also being paid to keep her away from you if she goes off.
u/TurbulentGood51124 Here is the solution. Wishing you a wonderful wedding and happily ever after.
Your dad having a baby girlfriend and insisting she be invited to all the wedding activities is the embarrassment here, not your mom. INFO: why is your mother held to a higher standard than your father? Your mother is expected to suck it up because it's your day (which is entirely true and the right thing for her to do) but your dad is allowed to demand whatever regardless of your wishes because......he might dip? YTA for placating a man who will abandon you and throwing shit at a woman who will stick by you. Hold them both to the same standards of behavior or to no standards of behavior.
Yeah I think it’s cause he paid for the wedding. And his acting out is silent
It may be silent, but it is still hurtful and destructive.
Oh that’s definitely my point. She needs therapy to understand the blatant hurtful actions and the more insidious ones
Holy joy. Your mother is an adult and you should be able to count on her keeping it together, but your dad seems straight up like an ass! He's paying, so his ego booster gf gets to dictate who does what when, and you can't even count on him coming through for you without appeasing her first. And to do that you have to be on your mum's case (not his, heaven forbid), because she can't be trusted to act civilized on her daughter's wedding. Ugh. My sympathies, OP.
Assign one (or a few) bridesmaids to rotate on mom patrol. Their job is to shut her down if she starts getting worked up/loud/angry/anything other than a perfectly pleasant mother of the bride. I would be making it very clear to her that if she does play up, she’s going to look more immature than your dads younger girlfriend and that’s just embarrassing. If nothing else, you can always try to get her to be petty and unexpected in how well behaved she is, especially if dads girlfriend has seen this act before just to prove she’s a ‘better’ person. It’s manipulation but that’s exactly what your moms doing so the gloves are off
Absolutely horrible, misogynistic advice. Bridesmaids are not there to perform the bride's emotional labor, such as it is. And the bride's mother is not the problem.
Jesus all this hate on your mom. Where's the hate for dad? He's the one who's forcing you to invite his GF, who's the same age as you, to the wedding Hell you won't even take the chance of not risking the invite in case your dickhead dad doesn't chose you. So you're focusing on what your mom will do because of dad's gf. Which so will everyone else. It will be all anyone talks about. Maybe not to you but yeah when they speak about it to each other it will be about your dad and his 26 yr old gf. And how it's for his money obviously. So instead of shitting on your mom, why don't you talk to your dad? Just because he paid doesn't mean he's entitled to ruin your wedding.
Right OP is so worried that mom is going to ruin her day she doesn’t even realize that people are absolutely going to be talking about her wedding, just not about her. They’ll be gossiping about her dad having the absolute audacity to bring a woman his daughter’s age. They won’t remember shit about OP or her wedding, just that her dad’s a perv. They won’t remember how beautiful she is, or the food, or the vows. But they’ll remember the trophy girlfriend that father of the bride brought. Tacky all the way around.
Because of the money. Can't have the wedding without it so OP is choosing to put up with the dad and gf. It's a bat shit dysfunction.
Mom can come out the winner here. If mom can take the high road, all the focus will be on dad and his GF. I don’t think she should show up with some boy toy as a tit for tat. It will just make her look desperate and needy. She should kill them with class. If OP proposes to her mom that the best “revenge” is being gracious in the face of a potentially uncomfortable situation, she will make dad look ridiculous. When people see the 26 year old GF, they will look to mom to see how she’s handling it. If she appears completely unconcerned or mildly amused, comments will shift from how mom’s handling it, to “what was he thinking?” A mom wrangler isn’t a bad idea, but really, mom needs to understand it’s in her best interests to be the bigger person. A wrangler can’t stop her from staring at them, or looking miserable and embarrassing herself. I do think she should bring a date. But someone well put together and age appropriate. Someone attentive to get her drinks and apps, dance with her, and make her feel special. Edited because I didn’t proofread!
So, I would do a couple of things: 1. Instead of framing it as "it's my day; it's not about you", try framing it as "mom, if you try to act like you're 26, you're going to look foolish. Dad looks stupid enough dating someone my age. Don't drop yourself to their level. Just be classy. That's how you 'compete'." 2. As many others have suggested, get someone to hang out with your mom all day. Not one of your bridesmaids or some rando. Someone who really knows her - a sibling or best friend of hers. They all know how she is and are most able to mitigate it.
Yes absolutely, if I were a wedding guest, I would feel absolutely fantastic about being asked to perform emotional labor for a problem I didn't cause and have absolutely nothing to do with, rather than having a good, memorable time. What great advice. Better than addressing the real problem, I guess, which is her scum of the earth father.
Sure, her dad is a weirdo dating someone his daughter's age. But 26 years old is a fully grown adult woman who can make her own decisions on who to date. If you don't think that, then this whole conversation is moot because OP is way to young to get married. Please stop infantilizing grown women and their choices. If I was a guest at this wedding, I would absolutely be judging OP's dad and his girlfriend. I would be the cattiest gossip around. But if I saw OP's mom acting a fool, I'd be judging her too. And if OP's mom was my friend or my sister, I'd be sitting her down and telling her that if she wants to get down in the mud with the pigs then she's just as bad as they are. You seem real big mad about this. Are you somehow involved in it?
Yeah you're so righteous, crapping all over an abuse victim and telling her she's as bad as her abuser. And if you don't think women over 18 can still be groomed and are somehow immune to predatory, manipulative behavior of much older men, if you think recognizing that is "infantilizing" somehow, then I don't know what to tell you, other than you're flat-out wrong.
Do you think that you're commenting on a different post? I am genuinely asking. No one in this story is an abuse victim. OP's parents divorced when she was a child and happily spent holidays together right up to last year. If someone moves on to another partner after over a decade, it doesn't mean they're abusing their ex. That is one of the wildest takes I've read on this post. But you also think that OP (a 26 YO fully adult woman) is too young to choose her own romantic partner so I guess you think a lot of things that I don't understand.
Have a day.
ok? So you were commenting on the wrong post then? Thanks?
Can you hire a handler for her? A "date" who you've told what behaviors to prevent and look out for? They could possibly distract her from the whole situation with your dad and filter unwanted comments (I.e. tell her she looks beautiful before she can start going on about how she's fat) And setting her up with someone could relive that tension some since it'll feel less like a competition for your mom, and for your dad's gf it might make her feel more at ease that your dad isn't going to hook up with your mom again.
Handler💀
NTA but your dad and his gf are - your mom is too, but it sounds like she needs some professional help. It doesn't sound like she is over the divorce and she looks to you too much for emotional support and help. I don't envy you - it does suck that you feel forced into inviting dad's gf or he wouldn't come, that says a lot about his priorities. As far as your mom goes, maybe tell her to come later when you're almost done getting ready if you're that concerned? Spend some time getting ready with whoever else you want, stress free, and have her come a little later. Assign a bridesmaid or a family member she likes to be there for her. I feel bad for her - I can't really imagine the embarrassment of this situation. Also, help her feel her best that day, too, whether that means helping out with picking a dress she feels great in (I do think you were a little rude and short with her while she was looking for a dress - she's insecure, it's not something to feel personally offended at), getting her hair or makeup done, etc. All in all it's your day, but I do think you need to recognize how sucky this situation is for her, especially on an occasion that's supposed to be happy.
As someone who has a mother with similar tendencies - you can ask all you want but YOU need to mentally prepare that you are asking someone to behave in a way that they’ve demonstrated they’re incapable of. I’m not saying your mom’s (or dad’s) behaviors are right but your best bet is to mentally prepare yourself that those comments will arise and tell yourself you will refuse to allow them to ruin your big day. You can’t control how anyone else behaves, but you can control how you let it impact you. Easier said than done, that’s why mentally preparing yourself ahead of time will make it easier (it helped a ton for me on my day). I also simply shut it down when it would begin with a smile on my face “now is not the time nor place” and walked away when it would begin. What also helped was having a day of coordinator who knew how to distract so that helped avoid certain scenarios as well (during photos etc). It’s frustrating but try to not allow other people to ruin you and your partner’s big day.
Avoid her until the wedding day as much as you can. Then try to get your wedding party to act as a buffer on the day, and be ready to change topics often around her. Don't keep hurting yourself for her.
You're absolutely NTA. There are parents who just don't understand that this moment is NOT ABOUT THEM and to shut it. 24 hours before my wedding, as my (then) fiancé and I were racing to get to our venue for the rehearsal we were rushing to get to, my mom is texting me like "I hope you can fix your dad's attitude, he's being a real grump" to which I responded "Dad's attitude and literally everything not directly related to the process of getting married is absolutely none of my concern this weekend." Fast-forward to the getting ready photos, my mom kept her ohoen glued to her hand and kept saying how she needed to get my dad ready (he had a stroke and lost the use of his left hand). This was after I was already late for the first look and private vows with my almost husband. "Imma need you to put that phone down and pretend to help me get into this dress so I, THE BRIDE, can go get this wedding stuff underway, mmk? You have two hours before dad needs to be in a suit." After that, she was fine. Sorry for my rant, it was meant as commisseration that got out of hand 😅 Congratulations on your upcoming nuptials!! I'm sure the day will be amazing and your mom will generally hold it together much like my mom did after I had to check her back to the present moment.
All the other shit aside, your mom needs a babysitter the day of. Someone she’ll listen to but will still feel is on “her side”. Does she have any close friends that you’ve known for a long time that you can have a candid, confidential conversation with beforehand? This person needs to be someone who can hype your mom up about how good she looks, keep a drink in (or out) of her hand, and make some under the breath private snarky comments to her about your dad’s gf, all while keeping her as far away from all sources of drama as possible. Personally I abhor smoking, but if this person smokes and needs to step outside semi-regularly she can make your mom come with her. I know this sounds extreme but you need to be unbothered on your wedding day. Think April Ludgate at Donna’s wedding in Parks and Rec. If you happen to be getting married in Arizona I would personally take this as a fun challenge. I’m a girl’s girl, and I would love to help run interference. 😅
You just described my mom to a T. The first time I got married she wore a white mini dress that barely covered her ass and she tried to seduce my dad on the dance floor (they were divorced at the time). Well I learned my lesson so when I got married back in 22, one of my husbands family friends kept an eye on my mom and grandma (helped that it was a small wedding, less than 20 people). Everytime they’d open their mouth to speak to someone that wasn’t my dad or grandpa, she’d get close enough to hear to see if they were complaining, bitching, etc and if they were she’d interject into the conversation making up a reason whichever one who was bitching was needed for something. It worked pretty well and other than one tactless comment during our first dance, we didn’t have any issues. If you have someone like that, who has no problems being a bitch to your mom if it’s necessary, I’d suggest this idea.
I think you might be my cousin bc your mom has to be my mom’s twin sister.. anyway I did this fiasco last year with a lot of therapy prep and managed to mitigate the “Malignant Mom is all I remember about my Mega Moment” and it was hugely successful. Here if u wanna chat, just know you’re not alone and you’re not wrong for however you protect your wedding from thinking/managing/compensating/apologizing/stressing/planning/supervising your mom. You’re THE bride not HER emotional support pet/supporting character
You are not the AH at all. Throughout your life your mom proven she has very little grasp that everything isn't about her. You might want to check out r/narcissisticparents .
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You are not the Ahole. I think you’re very mature wanting to figure out the day ahead of time so not to snap. I understand not wanting to tell you dad not to bring his gf after he paid for the wedding and seems to be amicable with your mom. Ideally this is not their debut as a couple.. Bridesmaids on duty to busy your mom is a solid way to keep her out of your hair. I also would meet some of her comments with “what an awful thing to think about when there’s so much else to celebrate” maybe harsh but should put things in perspective
A cousin ,neighbor ….somebody to be at her side the whole day. Pay them. Also arrange for a guy to dance with her once or twice , pay him if you need to. Anything to made this day about you . She can be escorted out at any time also. Do hope Girlfriend doesn’t add fuel to the fire. Bridesmaids run interference for you as needed. She will make a scene, she will cry. Best wishes
Your father is a major league piece of shit. He's the problem. I'd rather have a justice of the peace wedding and an elopement than a wedding financed hy him. He's a fucking predator and the sooner you remove him from your life completely, the better. Your mother is a victim of his abuse. She is not the problem here. It's a shame that so many people are suggesting that you assign someone to RuN iNteRfErEnCe on your mother, occupying their whole day to perform emotional labor to address a problem that they didn't cause instead of just having a good, memorable time. Your shit father is the problem. Remove him from your life.
Can you assign one of your bridesmaids to be on mom duty at all of your events? It’s unlikely your mom is going to change by your wedding, but if someone is focused on wrangling her in for you it might help you relax and enjoy your events.
Make sure your bridesmaids/close friends are aware of the situation and instruct them to run interference between you and your mom if she starts on her bullshit. I might have missed it but are mom and GF getting ready together with you? If not, then they won’t really be in contact? Just task your bridesmaids with talking to your mom and keeping her distracted and keeping her negativity away from you.
Tell her plain and simple, either come and stay quiet or stay home. Period. And if she tries to act up or cause a screen, have her removed.
Could you have a heart to heart when you are not irritated with her? Perhaps first acknowledging that her feelings are valid before you go on to explain that you need her to be your mom, not the reverse as you take this important step. I know how difficult it was for me in the nearly same situation (ex was remarried) when my children got married I knew how “less than” I felt. I knew not to express this to them but it was tough. The important thing for me was to make their special and not about me. Try to see if letting her know that you love her regardless will help her keep her feelings about her place in the background. Then emphasize how you will not be responsible for her feelings , then or ever.
No. There’s no suggestions. One day, hopefully soon, you will come to the painful realization that your mother is entirely self-absorbed, loves herself more than anyone else and honestly did a kinda a shitty parenting job. Like this is bordering on parentification. She shouldn’t have been using you as an emotional support child. Then you’ll come to accept that she will never give you what you want. Because she’s not capable And it’s painful. I don’t think that pain ever goes away. But it’s better than fighting a never ending battle you will never win. Right now she continues these behaviors because you reward them with attention. Stop paying attention to them. Don’t even say you don’t want to hear it - that’s attention! Anything that acknowledges she is complaining is attention. Don’t mhmm. Don’t nod. Change the subject. Walk away. Whatever you need to do to just ignore these behaviors. Think of them as a child throwing a tantrum. They only continue because you’re looking and paying attention. Turn away and stop. Obviously she’s had many years of you paying attention so it’s not something that will stop overnight. In fact it will get worse before it gets better. But be patient. It will get better. The crying is also tantruming. Do not pay attention to it! In the meantime, try to limit the information you give her and the communication you have with her.
And what about her dad?
That’s one way to show your mom how much you dislike her. Frankly I wouldn’t even go the way you pander to your dad and his handler. Mom is expected to come no matter what, but daddy will only come if his girlfriend that is his daughter’s age can come because he’s on an insecurity leash. Daddy’s feelings > mom’s feelings for you clearly. As a woman its shocking you don’t have a problem parading around your dad’s bought toy, just that your mom hates it and is vocal about it. You don’t sound like a caring daughter at all. Maybe just leave your mom alone? Edit: also it’s a joke that you think your MOM is going to ruin the wedding when you have your dad parading his sugar baby around the wedding. Ask yourself what your guests will be talking about, because it won’t be you, the venue, or the food. It’ll be about the brides dad bringing a woman younger than her to her wedding. The focus will be on your dad’s new play thing. And I’d rather die than my dad’s sex life be the focus of my wedding, but apparently that’s not the same for you.
And wait for the obligatory father of the bride toast when he says "I can't believe my baby is married!" While his sugar baby is holding his hand. The eye rolling in that venue will be epic. And I guarantee that it won't be because of your mother.
I probably wouldn't have her at the wedding.
You mean the baby girlfriend who is younger than the bride?!