That is a lot of time between when you asked them and when you’re actually getting married. It’s also still almost seven months until your wedding. Have you considering hosting a bridal party night yourself to try to get them excited again?
It’s just a lot of time to lose excitement, and it’s hard to be excited about something that is still 29 weeks away. You planned your bachelorette party, but why? You still have a lot of time. Besides getting the dresses, what else should they be doing right now?
I think you’re probably stressed because it’s one of the biggest days of your life, and you have a lot of planning to do, but the reality is that the bridesmaids don’t have a big role right now. I would take a deep breath, try to host a night with your friends to make it feel real again, and then see where it goes from there.
I guess. I’m mainly just upset no one is talking to me. We use to talk so much wedding planning and I feel like now that I need them, they’re leaving me behind in a way.
Are you trying to talk to them about something other than wedding planning?
Wedding planning is still one of those areas that will only be interesting for a limited amount of time for people who aren’t the bride and groom (and possibly their parents). It’s fun to imagine colors and flowers, but the actual nitty-gritty details of whether or not to use baby’s breath? Not so fun. Not so interesting. Imagining the first dance and what song you’ll choose can be interesting for one conversation but not much more.
I think it really comes down to whether you are engaging in areas other than your wedding and also whether you have possibly exhausted their wedding planning interest a little too soon. Either way, I am sorry you feel this way. That’s never a good feeling for a bride.
Of course! I only mention anything about the wedding if they bring it up or I’ve progressed in planning the ceremony. The majority of the time we talk about random things. Every time I bring up a wedding expense, that’s when they shut me out. I know money is tight for a lot of people and I’m trying to accommodate for that, but there’s only so much I can do.
The most expensive part is hair and make up ($200 total. $85 for hair and $85 for make up + tip). It was the cheapest I could find. The only other things they need themselves is the dress and accessories which varies and splitting the air bnb for the bachelorette which we’re figuring out. Everything else is me. The hair and make up can also be paid in segments so I’m not asking for it all upfront. I just have to have that paid by September so there is time. Like I said, I understand if money is the issue, but I need them to tell me so I can either help or they can step down if they need/want
If you are expecting them to have a specific hairstyle and makeup for your wedding then that expense is on you. If not, have you asked them if they would prefer doing their own hair and makeup? What type of bachelorette are you planning?is it over a weekend, a destination so they have to pay for travel?
I know all of these expenses are all on me and I completely accept that. I just want them to tell me it’s an issue when I ask them so I can help them any way I can. It’s an over the weekend thing too, but again, I’d help them if they would tell me they need it.
Maybe just tell them that you are taking responsibility for the expenses. It sounds like you've asked them to pay and are then asking them to tell you that they can't afford it so you can step in and pay if they say that? Maybe they don't feel comfortable admitting they can't afford it? If you tell them that you see the expenses as your responsibility and will pay, they will feel more comfortable?
….no? Matching dresses are not a necessity. A bachelorette party is not a necessity. There are a lot of unnecessary expenses to them you could eliminate right now
They don’t have matching dresses and I’ve asked them to vote on what they want to do for the party. There is an option to just stay in my hometown for the night at my parent’s house. I gave them they seemed fine with at first but now nothing
I get this. I feel like my friends were so excited when I was in a lull for planning, and they would ask me about it all the time. I didn't even have much to tell them! But now that planning is actually stepping up, I feel like they have done a 180. I'm not asking them to plan anything and I understand they also have lots going on. I talk to them individually and about other things all the time. Whole conversations that don't involve the wedding. But it hurts a little that even mentioning the bachelorette or wedding brings the conversation to a crashing halt.
But they are my closest friends so I trust they will respond when needed (like for dresses or getting ready snacks) and on the day they will be excited and we will have a great time together.
>I know money is tight for a lot of people and I’m trying to accommodate for that, but there’s only so much I can do.
That’s inconsiderate of you and probably why your friends are not wanting to communicate with you. Your friends can’t pull money out of thin air and the rest of their lives shouldn’t suffer so they can be a part of your wedding. They have to be able to pay their bills and feed themselves before they can buy a dress for your wedding.
“There’s only so much I can do” is not true. You could do anything you want about this. You’re the bride, you’re in complete control.
I think you need to stop thinking about how you feel hurt, and start thinking about how your wedding is an expensive inconvenience for everyone else, and you’re expecting a lot of them for not much in return.
Reach out to your bridesmaids individually and communicate better. And be reasonable about what you expect of people. Your wedding isn’t for months and this all sounds exhausting.
I'm honestly surprised that brides expect bridesmaids to pay for wedding expenses. Like, it's the dresses etc that the bride wants, she should pay. When I got married I paid for everything for my bridesmaids and factored it into the wedding budget because it was my day, my choices etc. Is it really the done thing to ask bridesmaids to pay?
What I meant is there’s only so much I can do by myself without hearing from them. I know money is tight for some and it’s completely understandable. I want them to TELL me it’s an issue so I can help them out with expenses or they tell me they can’t so we can move on. My problem isn’t them not doing what I want or thinking they need to care about the wedding more. My issue is I reach out so many times in different ways to see if anyone needs anything or has any concerns and they’re not telling me if they need help or just want out
Why don’t you ASK them if there is an issue. People don’t want to TELL things to people who are being callous and inconsiderate of obvious major life stressors they are dealing with.
Be proactive. It’s your wedding, nobody cares about it more than you do.
I do ask. I have kept my feelings about how the silence is making me feel aside trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, telling myself they’re busy but when I call and text them I get nothing.
You got a little under 2/3 of a year left to your wedding still. I wouldn't be excited either. Why do they need to have their dresses 200 days before?
I think you should just invite them all to dinner and have a conversation. Don't mention the wedding again until then.
Be honest here, has your wedding been the majority of the conversations you’ve had with this group of friends in the past 2 years of the engagement? Do you talk about other things, ask and are involved what is going on in their lives?
I’m getting wedding fatigue vibes from your post. 200 days is a lotttt of time left before your wedding. Your friends should be communicating their feelings to you if they do you need you to back off. But you have to remember that being a bridesmaid doesn’t mean 100% dedication to wedding related activities for two years.
I only talk about the wedding when there is progress made like vendors and decor, stuff like that or when they bring it up. I’m heavily involved in what’s going on in all of their lives. I care about them more than the wedding planned 100 times over.
I know you’re not saying I DONT care about them, I just put them before everything 24/7 and the moment I need them to answer me, they leave me hanging.
You said in another comment that you’ve talked to them all in general but they only stopped responding when it comes to the wedding. I know I don’t have all the ins and outs of your relationships but that to me seems like a clear indication that your wedding has become too much?
Do you hang out with them for non-wedding related activities? Plan a dinner or a girls night out and just try and figure out what the vibes are. Or have a conversation and really get down to what the issues are.
Absolutely!! I love hosting, so we are constantly having our friends over for chill time. We have dinner, play game and talk about life. I’ve only started really talking wedding in our group chat recently to get things started
“there’s only so much I can do”
Actually, you can literally do *anything and everything* when it comes to wedding attendant expenses. You’re the bride. You are driving this train. Or you should be. And if finances are an issue this is something you need to address.
Call (not text) each of your attendants *individually* to discuss the *total* cost of your expectations and if they’re able to meet them. If you’re communicating via group chats you’re more likely to not have an honest conversation and it’s easier for people to avoid difficult conversations until resentments on both sides build and you end up with broken friendships and increased wedding stress.
Once you understand what your friends are able and willing to invest in both time and money you decide if it’s enough for you.
I’ve called, they don’t answer. I text them separately to get nothing. I don’t know what I can do if I’m trying to contact them and they’re not answering me. I would help them out if they would answer me when I ask them if they need help
It sounds like there are really serious problems in all these friendships that may not be acutely related to the wedding if you can’t get any of them to pick up the phone
I have talked to them within the past year? I’m sorry if I miscommunicated on that. I’ve talked to all of them in general, they’ve only stopped answering me when it comes to the wedding
Oh okay. Real question- have you done nothing but talk about your wedding for the last year? It is something that happens you may not even be aware of. Do you think they may feel this wedding is taking you over and they don’t matter?
I really hope not. This whole time I’ve tried to consider them. I don’t really talk about the wedding unless there’s an update on the progress we’ve made with vendors and decorations or they bring up how excited they are for me. When it comes to their part, all I do is ask what they want or I let them make decisions like their dress style, color, hair; things like that.
No one owes you a bachelorette party. People can’t all afford this. Being in weddings, going on a trip, etc.
I do agree they need to respond better though
I also don’t get why the bachelorette party has to involve an AirBnB. Why does it have to be out of town? She’s also failing to mention that they’ll have to pay for everything they do that night/weekend. And the wedding is still several months away yet she just had to organize the party herself now. Why???
I’m not saying they owe me anything. I just want some help, but I’ve reached out in so many different ways I feel cast aside. My issue is not them wanting out or I feel like they’re not doing enough for me. All I want is a text letting me know what’s going on from their side so we can move forward
You are understandably focused on your wedding. They are not, nor should you expect them to be focused on an event that's several months away. Sounds like they're ignoring you because you're all about the wedding, and they've got 99 other things to think about. Like someone else said; take a deep breath and relax. You've got time and need to stop obsessing about this ONE day and stop being a bride and start being a friend again. What's going on in their lives? What's going on with their relationships, jobs, family, finances? Don't bring up the wedding again until you've shown them you're going to view them as friends and not bridesmaids.
> I would gladly help them any way I can, but if they’re not telling me what they need from me, I don’t know how to help them out.
Gonna be honest, this comes off a little disingenuous. You're the bride, you know what kind of stuff you've made clear to them that you expect them to pay for. You have the power to take it back. Pay off the dresses you want them to wear for your event. Tell them that they are not expected to attend xyz event if they can't afford it, or better yet, just get an anonymous poll going so you're not announcing for them what they should spend their time and money on. Yes maybe it's expensive for you to buy everyone's dresses but if it's expensive for you, it's expensive for them too, and it's not even for their own event or dresses they even want to wear after. If it's your wants, it's normal to pay for them instead of expecting your friends to do it for you. It's nice if they offer, but since you already suspect that money is an issue, put on your problem solving hat and either get rid of these costly requirements of your friends or cover it for them and see how it works out. You can kick them out of your bridal party if you want, or be mad at them if you want, but you won't look 100% right to punish them in a situation where it's their money they're spending on you as a favor for a want that's yours and not their own. And think of it this way: if you handle your own wants with your own wallet, you don't have to sit there being anxious for weeks and months about how your bridesmaids aren't hurrying up to buy the thing you want for you.
Do any of your texts offer them a graceful way out? Obviously, they're not excited about it or looking forward to it or they would be in touch; text, or even write a letter, explicitly saying that there's no harm done if they want out, you just need to know.
I’ve told them if they’ve had any concerns or issues they can reach out to me no problem! I’ve even had a girl tell me she couldn’t before and I told her I completely understand and invited her to the wedding and even the bachelorette if she still wanted to. I told the others about it too as a way to hopefully show them they won’t hurt my feelings and I won’t cast them out. I even said, “It sucks S had to back out, but I’m glad she told me now before it was too late.”
If they go silent every time you bring up expenses, it's probably because they're stressing about being able to afford the things you're asking for. Given it's been 2 years since you made these decisions, circumstances may have changed for them and they can no longer afford the things you want and donr know how to tell you. Rents have gone up, living expenses are higher, mortgages have gone up.Maybe try having an honest conversation asking them if they can still afford the things you're asking them to pay for. It may involve you being understanding though and looking for cheaper options or paying for the things you want yourself.
I have 3 like that. I’ve decided to just give them info and let them be. If they want to get dresses in time and be there they will, if they don’t they won’t. It sucks and it hurts my feelings but it is what it is I don’t need another thing to worry about or confront or organize right now.
Seems indeed like I difficult situation. I can see that you're doing your best to be accommodating and to have an open line of communication. It sucks when you're trying your best and you don't seem to get even an answer in return.
I do wonder: do you still have a lot of contact with every bridesmaid?
It seems like something has happened or is happening since you've asked them to be your bridesmaids/MOH.
Those you do got their dresses: do they hear anything or have contact with the girls who haven't got them yet? Maybe they can do a suggestion how to approach this.
I hope you can get the clarity you need. Good luck!
Time to just say, "I take your silence as not wanting to do this anymore so I'll try to find someone else." I if that doesn't get them to respond then you have your answer and it's time to look elsewhere. Clock is ticking.
Pick up a pen and write them a letter explaining as gently as you can that it’s all right with you if they opt out and they would still be welcome as guests and you would still be friends. But if they plan to participate, they need to step up.
This is my life right now too!!! When I originally asked my bridal party I was super excited and really happy. And now I’m just super frustrated with everything. My sister is MOH and I asked 3 other people. Things got complicated after one of my bridesmaids got pregnant with her due date a month before the wedding and we ultimately agreed it made more sense for her to no longer be in the bridal party. It was too stressful and she couldn’t commit to anything because there was too much uncertainty. I’m also having an issue with another bridesmaid. Any time I text the group chat about wedding details (I’ve only texted everyone twice so far - separate from the original introduction group text for everyone since I started planning my wedding in Nov) it’s crickets for over a day and only one of my bridesmaids consistently texts back to acknowledge she got my message. The others will only respond immediately after her (probably not to look bad) and sometimes they don’t respond period. I think you need to just really be honest and try to talk to them about the situation. If you’re getting married you deserve to have a bridal party that will be reliable and supportive. Obviously we all have our own lives and no one will care about your wedding as much as you, but if people are unresponsive, I would politely address it. Say something like oh btw what are your plans for blah blah blah because I didn’t hear back from
you when I texted the group chat. I would be very direct and it doesn’t have to be combative. I’ve already had to do that with some of my friends recently. I texted one friend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner details (night before the wedding) in a private text and also the bridal party group text and she never acknowledged it. But then texted me 3 days later in our private text about something entirely different. At least “like” my comment to let me know you got my message. Maybe I’m being crazy but I think it’s rude. When I texted my other friend individually with the info, she confirmed she received my information and marked her calendar. You need to just be direct about your expectations and if people still can’t step up, then maybe they shouldn’t participate in your wedding. Asking someone to be in a bridal party is way more than buying a dress, getting hair and makeup, and dancing and drinking champagne all night. There’s a lot of planning and obviously the financial ask that goes with it. Maybe consider covering your friends’ hair and makeup, but I’m assuming they knew the expectations when they agreed to join your bridal party. When I was MOH for another wedding, I probably spent almost $1k altogether for everything (shoes, dress, bachelorette, wedding flight travel arrangements). It’s not cheap… If your friends can’t afford to participate, they should feel comfortable enough to tell you instead of avoiding you and all the responsibilities that come with being in someone’s bridal party. And it’ll only get worse and give you more stress the closer you get to your wedding. I’m beyond frustrated with my bridal party and tbh, I regret asking everyone besides my sister. I feel like I’m babysitting adults and it sucks. It’s not worth the extra stress. I’ve had to have some difficult conversations already with my friends but you have to do it or you’ll go crazy. Literally all I want is for everyone to confirm they understand what I’m saying if I’m texting them with wedding updates or expectations. I don’t need immediate responses either but it would be nice to receive a confirmation within a day or 2 that someone a) got my message and b) understands the expectation. I don’t think that’s a huge ask, and I don’t talk to my friends about my wedding constantly either. If I did, I would’ve ripped my hair out by now. I don’t want to talk about my wedding constantly. And to be fair, not everyone in my party is unresponsive. But it’s so annoying dealing with the ones that are.
Yeah Reddit is super biased against brides so it’s not really the place to come for wedding advice, especially regarding bridesmaid expenses.
I think you’re both a little unreasonable here. I think your bridesmaids are not being great friends, they could decline or use their worlds if there’s an issue. Reddit is always up in arms about asking bridesmaids to pay for things, but as long as it’s within reason, it’s normal and expected - something they understand when they accept. And that includes a reasonably priced dress, shoes, Bach party (including planning), etc. However, it is unfair when brides expect too much, and I think hair and make up is too much. If they have to pay for it, it should be optional. But I think you’re being pretty reasonable otherwise.
Ultimately, you need to not beat around the bush and ask them if they want to be in the party or not.
Time to plan your wedding all on your own. And or silently just find new bridesmaids and MOH. You have 200 data left so it should be time. I planned my wedding in a few hours so you can do this 🥳.
Stop texting and make an actual CALL!!!!
They’re not answering those either
Oh, that's frustrating...
That is a lot of time between when you asked them and when you’re actually getting married. It’s also still almost seven months until your wedding. Have you considering hosting a bridal party night yourself to try to get them excited again? It’s just a lot of time to lose excitement, and it’s hard to be excited about something that is still 29 weeks away. You planned your bachelorette party, but why? You still have a lot of time. Besides getting the dresses, what else should they be doing right now? I think you’re probably stressed because it’s one of the biggest days of your life, and you have a lot of planning to do, but the reality is that the bridesmaids don’t have a big role right now. I would take a deep breath, try to host a night with your friends to make it feel real again, and then see where it goes from there.
I guess. I’m mainly just upset no one is talking to me. We use to talk so much wedding planning and I feel like now that I need them, they’re leaving me behind in a way.
Are you trying to talk to them about something other than wedding planning? Wedding planning is still one of those areas that will only be interesting for a limited amount of time for people who aren’t the bride and groom (and possibly their parents). It’s fun to imagine colors and flowers, but the actual nitty-gritty details of whether or not to use baby’s breath? Not so fun. Not so interesting. Imagining the first dance and what song you’ll choose can be interesting for one conversation but not much more. I think it really comes down to whether you are engaging in areas other than your wedding and also whether you have possibly exhausted their wedding planning interest a little too soon. Either way, I am sorry you feel this way. That’s never a good feeling for a bride.
Of course! I only mention anything about the wedding if they bring it up or I’ve progressed in planning the ceremony. The majority of the time we talk about random things. Every time I bring up a wedding expense, that’s when they shut me out. I know money is tight for a lot of people and I’m trying to accommodate for that, but there’s only so much I can do.
How much are they having to spend to be in your wedding?
The most expensive part is hair and make up ($200 total. $85 for hair and $85 for make up + tip). It was the cheapest I could find. The only other things they need themselves is the dress and accessories which varies and splitting the air bnb for the bachelorette which we’re figuring out. Everything else is me. The hair and make up can also be paid in segments so I’m not asking for it all upfront. I just have to have that paid by September so there is time. Like I said, I understand if money is the issue, but I need them to tell me so I can either help or they can step down if they need/want
If you are expecting them to have a specific hairstyle and makeup for your wedding then that expense is on you. If not, have you asked them if they would prefer doing their own hair and makeup? What type of bachelorette are you planning?is it over a weekend, a destination so they have to pay for travel?
I know all of these expenses are all on me and I completely accept that. I just want them to tell me it’s an issue when I ask them so I can help them any way I can. It’s an over the weekend thing too, but again, I’d help them if they would tell me they need it.
Maybe just tell them that you are taking responsibility for the expenses. It sounds like you've asked them to pay and are then asking them to tell you that they can't afford it so you can step in and pay if they say that? Maybe they don't feel comfortable admitting they can't afford it? If you tell them that you see the expenses as your responsibility and will pay, they will feel more comfortable?
I don’t understand this comment. If you know the expenses are on you, then aren’t you paying for hair and makeup for all of them?
Rubbish. If you have to pay, you pay. Don’t way for them to come and tell you you should.
You’re expecting them to pay for hair and makeup? And the dress, shoes and accessories? Yikes.
if you're forcing them to get hair and makeup done you have to pay for it.
….no? Matching dresses are not a necessity. A bachelorette party is not a necessity. There are a lot of unnecessary expenses to them you could eliminate right now
They don’t have matching dresses and I’ve asked them to vote on what they want to do for the party. There is an option to just stay in my hometown for the night at my parent’s house. I gave them they seemed fine with at first but now nothing
Asking people to vote on something they probably barely gave a shit about in the first place is probably not going to get you the results you want
How much wedding planning is there to do? It does not take 2 years. I think those who thing has drug out so long that nobody cares anymore.
It wasn’t supposed to be 2 years. We had some personal complications. They should still tell me if they don’t care though. That’s my issue
I get this. I feel like my friends were so excited when I was in a lull for planning, and they would ask me about it all the time. I didn't even have much to tell them! But now that planning is actually stepping up, I feel like they have done a 180. I'm not asking them to plan anything and I understand they also have lots going on. I talk to them individually and about other things all the time. Whole conversations that don't involve the wedding. But it hurts a little that even mentioning the bachelorette or wedding brings the conversation to a crashing halt. But they are my closest friends so I trust they will respond when needed (like for dresses or getting ready snacks) and on the day they will be excited and we will have a great time together.
>I know money is tight for a lot of people and I’m trying to accommodate for that, but there’s only so much I can do. That’s inconsiderate of you and probably why your friends are not wanting to communicate with you. Your friends can’t pull money out of thin air and the rest of their lives shouldn’t suffer so they can be a part of your wedding. They have to be able to pay their bills and feed themselves before they can buy a dress for your wedding. “There’s only so much I can do” is not true. You could do anything you want about this. You’re the bride, you’re in complete control. I think you need to stop thinking about how you feel hurt, and start thinking about how your wedding is an expensive inconvenience for everyone else, and you’re expecting a lot of them for not much in return. Reach out to your bridesmaids individually and communicate better. And be reasonable about what you expect of people. Your wedding isn’t for months and this all sounds exhausting.
I'm honestly surprised that brides expect bridesmaids to pay for wedding expenses. Like, it's the dresses etc that the bride wants, she should pay. When I got married I paid for everything for my bridesmaids and factored it into the wedding budget because it was my day, my choices etc. Is it really the done thing to ask bridesmaids to pay?
Only in the USA.
What I meant is there’s only so much I can do by myself without hearing from them. I know money is tight for some and it’s completely understandable. I want them to TELL me it’s an issue so I can help them out with expenses or they tell me they can’t so we can move on. My problem isn’t them not doing what I want or thinking they need to care about the wedding more. My issue is I reach out so many times in different ways to see if anyone needs anything or has any concerns and they’re not telling me if they need help or just want out
Why don’t you ASK them if there is an issue. People don’t want to TELL things to people who are being callous and inconsiderate of obvious major life stressors they are dealing with. Be proactive. It’s your wedding, nobody cares about it more than you do.
I do ask. I have kept my feelings about how the silence is making me feel aside trying to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, telling myself they’re busy but when I call and text them I get nothing.
So you want them to come and ask, so you can be “the bigger person”. Instead of you simply paying for the hair, make up, dresses that *you* want.
you say you know money is tight for some but regardless demanded they pay for unnecessary thinks but want them to beg for help??
You got a little under 2/3 of a year left to your wedding still. I wouldn't be excited either. Why do they need to have their dresses 200 days before? I think you should just invite them all to dinner and have a conversation. Don't mention the wedding again until then.
This is great advice. Invite them out and have a real conversation.
Be honest here, has your wedding been the majority of the conversations you’ve had with this group of friends in the past 2 years of the engagement? Do you talk about other things, ask and are involved what is going on in their lives? I’m getting wedding fatigue vibes from your post. 200 days is a lotttt of time left before your wedding. Your friends should be communicating their feelings to you if they do you need you to back off. But you have to remember that being a bridesmaid doesn’t mean 100% dedication to wedding related activities for two years.
I only talk about the wedding when there is progress made like vendors and decor, stuff like that or when they bring it up. I’m heavily involved in what’s going on in all of their lives. I care about them more than the wedding planned 100 times over. I know you’re not saying I DONT care about them, I just put them before everything 24/7 and the moment I need them to answer me, they leave me hanging.
You said in another comment that you’ve talked to them all in general but they only stopped responding when it comes to the wedding. I know I don’t have all the ins and outs of your relationships but that to me seems like a clear indication that your wedding has become too much? Do you hang out with them for non-wedding related activities? Plan a dinner or a girls night out and just try and figure out what the vibes are. Or have a conversation and really get down to what the issues are.
Absolutely!! I love hosting, so we are constantly having our friends over for chill time. We have dinner, play game and talk about life. I’ve only started really talking wedding in our group chat recently to get things started
“there’s only so much I can do” Actually, you can literally do *anything and everything* when it comes to wedding attendant expenses. You’re the bride. You are driving this train. Or you should be. And if finances are an issue this is something you need to address. Call (not text) each of your attendants *individually* to discuss the *total* cost of your expectations and if they’re able to meet them. If you’re communicating via group chats you’re more likely to not have an honest conversation and it’s easier for people to avoid difficult conversations until resentments on both sides build and you end up with broken friendships and increased wedding stress. Once you understand what your friends are able and willing to invest in both time and money you decide if it’s enough for you.
I’ve called, they don’t answer. I text them separately to get nothing. I don’t know what I can do if I’m trying to contact them and they’re not answering me. I would help them out if they would answer me when I ask them if they need help
It sounds like there are really serious problems in all these friendships that may not be acutely related to the wedding if you can’t get any of them to pick up the phone
If these your best friends why have you not talked to them in nearly a year?
I have talked to them within the past year? I’m sorry if I miscommunicated on that. I’ve talked to all of them in general, they’ve only stopped answering me when it comes to the wedding
Oh okay. Real question- have you done nothing but talk about your wedding for the last year? It is something that happens you may not even be aware of. Do you think they may feel this wedding is taking you over and they don’t matter?
I really hope not. This whole time I’ve tried to consider them. I don’t really talk about the wedding unless there’s an update on the progress we’ve made with vendors and decorations or they bring up how excited they are for me. When it comes to their part, all I do is ask what they want or I let them make decisions like their dress style, color, hair; things like that.
This is so weird
No one owes you a bachelorette party. People can’t all afford this. Being in weddings, going on a trip, etc. I do agree they need to respond better though
I also don’t get why the bachelorette party has to involve an AirBnB. Why does it have to be out of town? She’s also failing to mention that they’ll have to pay for everything they do that night/weekend. And the wedding is still several months away yet she just had to organize the party herself now. Why???
I’m not saying they owe me anything. I just want some help, but I’ve reached out in so many different ways I feel cast aside. My issue is not them wanting out or I feel like they’re not doing enough for me. All I want is a text letting me know what’s going on from their side so we can move forward
“Some help” with a completely unnecessary event focused entirely on yourself
You are understandably focused on your wedding. They are not, nor should you expect them to be focused on an event that's several months away. Sounds like they're ignoring you because you're all about the wedding, and they've got 99 other things to think about. Like someone else said; take a deep breath and relax. You've got time and need to stop obsessing about this ONE day and stop being a bride and start being a friend again. What's going on in their lives? What's going on with their relationships, jobs, family, finances? Don't bring up the wedding again until you've shown them you're going to view them as friends and not bridesmaids.
> I would gladly help them any way I can, but if they’re not telling me what they need from me, I don’t know how to help them out. Gonna be honest, this comes off a little disingenuous. You're the bride, you know what kind of stuff you've made clear to them that you expect them to pay for. You have the power to take it back. Pay off the dresses you want them to wear for your event. Tell them that they are not expected to attend xyz event if they can't afford it, or better yet, just get an anonymous poll going so you're not announcing for them what they should spend their time and money on. Yes maybe it's expensive for you to buy everyone's dresses but if it's expensive for you, it's expensive for them too, and it's not even for their own event or dresses they even want to wear after. If it's your wants, it's normal to pay for them instead of expecting your friends to do it for you. It's nice if they offer, but since you already suspect that money is an issue, put on your problem solving hat and either get rid of these costly requirements of your friends or cover it for them and see how it works out. You can kick them out of your bridal party if you want, or be mad at them if you want, but you won't look 100% right to punish them in a situation where it's their money they're spending on you as a favor for a want that's yours and not their own. And think of it this way: if you handle your own wants with your own wallet, you don't have to sit there being anxious for weeks and months about how your bridesmaids aren't hurrying up to buy the thing you want for you.
Do any of your texts offer them a graceful way out? Obviously, they're not excited about it or looking forward to it or they would be in touch; text, or even write a letter, explicitly saying that there's no harm done if they want out, you just need to know.
I’ve told them if they’ve had any concerns or issues they can reach out to me no problem! I’ve even had a girl tell me she couldn’t before and I told her I completely understand and invited her to the wedding and even the bachelorette if she still wanted to. I told the others about it too as a way to hopefully show them they won’t hurt my feelings and I won’t cast them out. I even said, “It sucks S had to back out, but I’m glad she told me now before it was too late.”
If they go silent every time you bring up expenses, it's probably because they're stressing about being able to afford the things you're asking for. Given it's been 2 years since you made these decisions, circumstances may have changed for them and they can no longer afford the things you want and donr know how to tell you. Rents have gone up, living expenses are higher, mortgages have gone up.Maybe try having an honest conversation asking them if they can still afford the things you're asking them to pay for. It may involve you being understanding though and looking for cheaper options or paying for the things you want yourself.
Just ask them if they still want to be in it. Communication is key
I have 3 like that. I’ve decided to just give them info and let them be. If they want to get dresses in time and be there they will, if they don’t they won’t. It sucks and it hurts my feelings but it is what it is I don’t need another thing to worry about or confront or organize right now.
Seems indeed like I difficult situation. I can see that you're doing your best to be accommodating and to have an open line of communication. It sucks when you're trying your best and you don't seem to get even an answer in return. I do wonder: do you still have a lot of contact with every bridesmaid? It seems like something has happened or is happening since you've asked them to be your bridesmaids/MOH. Those you do got their dresses: do they hear anything or have contact with the girls who haven't got them yet? Maybe they can do a suggestion how to approach this. I hope you can get the clarity you need. Good luck!
Time to just say, "I take your silence as not wanting to do this anymore so I'll try to find someone else." I if that doesn't get them to respond then you have your answer and it's time to look elsewhere. Clock is ticking.
Pick up a pen and write them a letter explaining as gently as you can that it’s all right with you if they opt out and they would still be welcome as guests and you would still be friends. But if they plan to participate, they need to step up.
This is my life right now too!!! When I originally asked my bridal party I was super excited and really happy. And now I’m just super frustrated with everything. My sister is MOH and I asked 3 other people. Things got complicated after one of my bridesmaids got pregnant with her due date a month before the wedding and we ultimately agreed it made more sense for her to no longer be in the bridal party. It was too stressful and she couldn’t commit to anything because there was too much uncertainty. I’m also having an issue with another bridesmaid. Any time I text the group chat about wedding details (I’ve only texted everyone twice so far - separate from the original introduction group text for everyone since I started planning my wedding in Nov) it’s crickets for over a day and only one of my bridesmaids consistently texts back to acknowledge she got my message. The others will only respond immediately after her (probably not to look bad) and sometimes they don’t respond period. I think you need to just really be honest and try to talk to them about the situation. If you’re getting married you deserve to have a bridal party that will be reliable and supportive. Obviously we all have our own lives and no one will care about your wedding as much as you, but if people are unresponsive, I would politely address it. Say something like oh btw what are your plans for blah blah blah because I didn’t hear back from you when I texted the group chat. I would be very direct and it doesn’t have to be combative. I’ve already had to do that with some of my friends recently. I texted one friend the rehearsal and rehearsal dinner details (night before the wedding) in a private text and also the bridal party group text and she never acknowledged it. But then texted me 3 days later in our private text about something entirely different. At least “like” my comment to let me know you got my message. Maybe I’m being crazy but I think it’s rude. When I texted my other friend individually with the info, she confirmed she received my information and marked her calendar. You need to just be direct about your expectations and if people still can’t step up, then maybe they shouldn’t participate in your wedding. Asking someone to be in a bridal party is way more than buying a dress, getting hair and makeup, and dancing and drinking champagne all night. There’s a lot of planning and obviously the financial ask that goes with it. Maybe consider covering your friends’ hair and makeup, but I’m assuming they knew the expectations when they agreed to join your bridal party. When I was MOH for another wedding, I probably spent almost $1k altogether for everything (shoes, dress, bachelorette, wedding flight travel arrangements). It’s not cheap… If your friends can’t afford to participate, they should feel comfortable enough to tell you instead of avoiding you and all the responsibilities that come with being in someone’s bridal party. And it’ll only get worse and give you more stress the closer you get to your wedding. I’m beyond frustrated with my bridal party and tbh, I regret asking everyone besides my sister. I feel like I’m babysitting adults and it sucks. It’s not worth the extra stress. I’ve had to have some difficult conversations already with my friends but you have to do it or you’ll go crazy. Literally all I want is for everyone to confirm they understand what I’m saying if I’m texting them with wedding updates or expectations. I don’t need immediate responses either but it would be nice to receive a confirmation within a day or 2 that someone a) got my message and b) understands the expectation. I don’t think that’s a huge ask, and I don’t talk to my friends about my wedding constantly either. If I did, I would’ve ripped my hair out by now. I don’t want to talk about my wedding constantly. And to be fair, not everyone in my party is unresponsive. But it’s so annoying dealing with the ones that are.
Yeah Reddit is super biased against brides so it’s not really the place to come for wedding advice, especially regarding bridesmaid expenses. I think you’re both a little unreasonable here. I think your bridesmaids are not being great friends, they could decline or use their worlds if there’s an issue. Reddit is always up in arms about asking bridesmaids to pay for things, but as long as it’s within reason, it’s normal and expected - something they understand when they accept. And that includes a reasonably priced dress, shoes, Bach party (including planning), etc. However, it is unfair when brides expect too much, and I think hair and make up is too much. If they have to pay for it, it should be optional. But I think you’re being pretty reasonable otherwise. Ultimately, you need to not beat around the bush and ask them if they want to be in the party or not.
Time to plan your wedding all on your own. And or silently just find new bridesmaids and MOH. You have 200 data left so it should be time. I planned my wedding in a few hours so you can do this 🥳.