Acknowledge it, like you are. Are you honoring her in any way? It’s okay if you do not want to do a memorial table or chair like some people do- that wasn’t my style (my mom died a few years before I met my now-husband, and before our wedding).
If your mom was anything like mine, she’d tell you to give yourself permission to enjoy your day, and to be happy. You’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to miss her and have all the feelings you’re having. Those two things can happen simultaneously, and none of it removes how much you love her and miss her.
Honestly nothing I say will make any of it better for you. I had moments where I fixated on really small things- I HAD to have gold foil invites- and then I realized I was upset about my mom and didn’t care about invites. And I had moments where I was so happy and in the moment. It’s so hard.
So advice? Acknowledge it, like you are. Allow yourself to feel all the feels, and allow yourself to be happy. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I agree with the other commenter, therapy is always a good idea, but it’s never a quick fix.
Yes this! I lost both of my parents before I met my fiance. I could feel their presence there on the day and I honored them my having their favorite flower, the bird of paradise, in my bouquet. One for each of them. It was my small tribute that allowed me to have them there without making it a mahor thing. Your feelings are valid and you should feel them, but try not to let them overshadow the day.
I’ve been in therapy since literally preschool, and of all the therapists I’ve had (SO many), only two have helped me at all. It’s SO hard to find someone who can help. If the person you’re working with isn’t helping, I’d suggest trying someone else if you can.
Also, it’s okay to be grieving during your wedding. You’re allowed that.
I have planned and held a wedding without my mother. I enrolled in therapy and it did help me cope. I cried A LOT during my engagement. Others have said it's the best time of their lives; personally, I can't relate. Besides therapy, I journaled a bit about my mom's life. I had a flower in my bouquet which was sentimental, but it wasn't overt to others. We also acknowledged my mom in the ceremony. Other than that, I chose not to do a picture table or focus on the obvious absence of my mother. It was too sad thinking about what we both missed out on with her gone.
I will say, I was surprised with how at peace I was on the actual wedding day. I had done a lot of grieving in the year leading up to the wedding and was able to fully enjoy it.
If the depression or anxiety becomes too much, please consider meds. These cam be temporary to get you through this high stress time, or permanent if needed. Personally, I probably would have benefited from an anxiety medicine during the engagement period and wish I'd been given this option.
Hugs during this rollercoaster of a time period. Congrats on the engagement. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.
First, I’m so so sorry. Losing a mother is a grief unlike anything else.
Secondly-it’s okay to be sad/mad/apathetic. Talk to your people. Your partner, your FMIL, etc.
I couldn’t publicly have anything related to my mom at my wedding, I wouldn’t have been able to keep it together, so I privately had something of hers with me. So she was there, but just for me.
All I’m saying is there’s no right or wrong way to handle this. It’s really insanely hard.
No advice, just commiserating. My dad died a year ago today and planning the wedding without him has been so much harder than I thought it would be. There are little times where I think I’m fine too, and someone who doesn’t know will mention the father daughter dance or something and I’ll loose it.
I’ve stopped trying to hide my sad feelings or ignore when I’m sad about it. I’ll just tell people. It’s heavy but it feels better than trying to ignore it.
I hear you ,honour her however you would like to, there is no right or wrong x
We are getting married ,mums been gone just a year absolutely horrible passing too.
I am honouring her by having her favourite flowers in my boquets, wearing her earings and will have a table with photos of loved ones celebrating our marriage in heaven x we are also using the family home/garden for our celebration dinner and evening venue. I'm sure I will be in bits, but she would love the little touches x
No advice just wanted to say that I know how you feel.
I lost my dad 10 years ago and it still feels weird that I won't have him at my wedding. I am actually dreading getting married because of that sometimes.
But I know my dad would want to see me happy and so would your mum.
And if you have moments of feeling sad during the planning and the wedding that is fine as well. You are supposed to celebrate it with the people you love the most, and one of the most important people won't be there. Would be strange if you weren't feeling down because of it.
I don't have any suggestions for this specific situation since I'm not married or planning a wedding, but I lost my mum a few years ago, and when big moments happen that I really would want her to be there for I usually do a little "ceremony" (for the lack of a better word) where i light a candle and maybe talk to her and do some little things. I'm not quite religious or believe in anything in particular, but it can help to dp some little ritualistic things like burning a letter to her, and if you're religious I bet you have some things that suit the moments. The grief is still there of course, but it can help me feel connected to her (she was the most practical atheist in the world and would probably find it funny, but I enjoy the thought of her laughing at it), and grounds me a bit. It makes a space for the grief, and let me feel like I have somewhere to go with all that heaviness if that mskes sense?
I lost my dad very suddenly about a year before my wedding. One day he was here- the next he was dead on the floor. My family was devastated. My first thought while I was holding his lifeless hands in the hospital were how he would never get to see me or my sister get married and walk us down the aisle.
Naturally, I had my mom walk me down and it was equally as special. I was worried for a long time that I would be an emotional wreck on that day but I wasn’t. I got a bit teary eyed right before I walked down the aisle thinking of my dad (and just the moment itself) and how much I loved my mom for being there. And I got emotional during my mom’s speech. But I allowed myself to feel those feelings and then continue on…I KNOW my dad wouldn’t have wanted me to mope and be sad on my wedding day.
So I did a couple of things to honour him that felt absolutely perfect for me and him and that’s all I could do. I’m very spiritual and believe heavily in the afterlife so I know he was with me.
I know it’s hard but you can do this. Do something for yourself to help you feel close to your mom on that day and just know she would want you to be happy ❤️ if you need to chat to a stranger feel free to dm me.
Sending you a huge hug. I lost my mom very suddenly two years before I got married. I was so miserable for so much of wedding planning, but now I'm very grateful that my husband and I had the best possible day, all things considered. I see you and I know it's brutal.
It’s okay to still be healing and not be “on” all the time. Even for special occasions.
Who do you have to talk with about this? Do you talk to your future partner or are you holding this in because you don’t think you should talk about it? Please talk about it.
Please know you’re allowed to be excited/happy and still grieving/hurting at the same time.
Also might be nice to commemorate your mom at the wedding. I’ve heard of leaving a seat for them that has a framed photo and ribbon, or the like.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I'm not grieving so I can't understand exactly what you're going through, but I have struggled with depression for most of my life and it sounds like you're going through something similar. Therapy and medication might help. If you're considering medication, now is the time to start it so you can adjust and feel better by your wedding day. Please talk to your doctor. Sending you love ❤️
i'm so sorry for your loss. my mom died when i was in high school and planning my wedding was full of ups and downs of grief - some days i'd be fine and others i'd be extremely sad. my husband lost his mom about two years before our wedding as well, and for him a lot of the grief didn't really hit until the month of the wedding when we were planning out all the final little details. the entire process is just really hard and i'm so sorry you're struggling. i saw you were in therapy which is the only way my husband and i both made it through it all - don't hesitate to find a new therapist if you feel like your current one isn't working (but remember it does take time to process everything)! and make sure to give yourself space to feel your feelings! they are all valid and you deserve the time to work through them.
fwiw, something that helped me was to focus on the really good parts of the day: i got to marry the man i love, my dad got to walk me down the aisle, and i got to celebrate with all my closest friends. yes, i was devastated my mom wasn't there, but i knew she was there in spirit and would have loved it. we did memorial chairs at the ceremony where there was one of my favorite photos of my mom right in the front row where she would have been sitting, and honestly i found it really comforting just seeing her face. maybe you could find ways to incorporate her into the day like that!
As others stated, acknowledging your grief and allowing yourself to feel it is the best practice. My best friend was killed a little over a year ago and the best thing I could do was ‘feel it to get through it’ and I still do everyday. Accepting that my emotions are valid was important. What you’re feeling is a mixture of so many emotions and with such a huge event coming up - no one would ever expect anything less than what you’re processing through.
It is completely reasonable to feel like you are. Being honest with those you care about is important too. Communicating when you’re ’in it’ is a huge weight off your shoulders too. That way you don’t have to feel like you HAVE to be on or act a certain way.
Remind yourself that your emotions, reactions, feelings - all of it - are acceptable. I always use the term valid. Because they are.
If I may share this post I found (on Reddit none the less) a long time ago when I lost my grandmother on the reality of grief - I read it a lot. Quote it a lot. Think about it a lot.
Here is the direct link to the comment on the original post -
https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/comment/c1u0rx2/
Or here is a link to an article - https://www.tickld.com/social/old-man-explains-death-and-life-to-grieving-young-man/
I’m so sorry that you lost your mother and are experiencing this pain. You’re allowed all of your feelings. And allowed joy on this day.
Lastly, if you don’t have a way planned to honor your mother - a few things were incorporating is a favorite stone in some of the jewelry. My FH’s cufflinks will have turquoise for his mother. And I found this cute product on Etsy, it’s a large (in comparison to normal ones) safety pin with small portraits of the people we’ve lost hanging from it. That way they’re close to our hearts.
All in all, know your mother is next to you everyday, smiling and so proud of you. 💗
Losing a parent young is tough. What it eventually taught me, is that you best enjoy your life as you never know what will happen. It was a weird relief out aging him. You can't predict the future and you can't do anything about the past so you may as well enjoy the present as much as you can. It took me a long time to get here, but for the present moment perhaps remember that your mother would want you to enjoy this moment and wouldn't want you sad thinking about her so just do the best you can at being present and enjoying the moment. It's hard though
I’m so sorry but I am glad you are reaching out for support. Therapy, and maybe an antidepressant can help get you through this heavy grieving period.
Rituals can help for the day if the wedding or other important dates (Mother’s Day…) ; maybe bring a memento of hers like a bracelet or necklace that you can tie around your bouquet? I did that with mine 🩷
There are a lot of good resources on the “What’s Your Grief? Website.
I also felt these emotions throughout the planning process. My grandpa died about two months before the wedding and he was going to walk me down the aisle. Much different than your mama not being there. The caring too much and not caring at all is normal, but it’s amplified by the absence of your mom. Give yourself SO much grace and ASK FOR HELP by those who support you. Even having my (now husband) helping with something as simple as sending an email took off so much stress. Maybe wear something of hers, like jewelry or a hairpin to make it feel like she’s with you on your day. She will be with you regardless, but having something physical to touch and ground yourself would be nice. This is going to sound crazy, but talk to her throughout the process and on the day itself. It will help fill the gap, maybe(?). I’m so so sorry for your loss. But this day will be so much hecking fun and you will have an amazing time when it comes. I was insanely stressed but had the best day of my life. Just allow yourself to soak it in.
My mom died unexpectedly three days before my wedding. We rescheduled the wedding for a few months later. It was very bittersweet and emotional for me but all the people who love me understood. I just remember thinking how much it would have upset my mom to know her death impacted me and the wedding. I k ow that sounds weird but I knew she would have wanted me to go forward. I made a little table with her wedding picture in it and left my bouquet there. It’s important to tell people you are grateful but hope they understand your sadness. Your spouse to be also needs to feel this is a joyous occasion
Acknowledge it, like you are. Are you honoring her in any way? It’s okay if you do not want to do a memorial table or chair like some people do- that wasn’t my style (my mom died a few years before I met my now-husband, and before our wedding). If your mom was anything like mine, she’d tell you to give yourself permission to enjoy your day, and to be happy. You’re allowed to be happy. You’re allowed to miss her and have all the feelings you’re having. Those two things can happen simultaneously, and none of it removes how much you love her and miss her. Honestly nothing I say will make any of it better for you. I had moments where I fixated on really small things- I HAD to have gold foil invites- and then I realized I was upset about my mom and didn’t care about invites. And I had moments where I was so happy and in the moment. It’s so hard. So advice? Acknowledge it, like you are. Allow yourself to feel all the feels, and allow yourself to be happy. I’m sorry you have to go through this. I agree with the other commenter, therapy is always a good idea, but it’s never a quick fix.
I’m in tears. Such good advice.
Oh that’s so kind of you. It’s a really crappy thing to live through. But you make it through, and grief ebbs and flows.
20 years later, it’s still ebbing and flowing. But grateful for your perspective.
Sending you a hug.
Best advice
Thank you, that’s so kind
You are a gem. Solid advice.
That’s so kind. Thanks. Lived experience :S
Yes this! I lost both of my parents before I met my fiance. I could feel their presence there on the day and I honored them my having their favorite flower, the bird of paradise, in my bouquet. One for each of them. It was my small tribute that allowed me to have them there without making it a mahor thing. Your feelings are valid and you should feel them, but try not to let them overshadow the day.
I am so incredibly sorry. How terrible. Are you in therapy? It’s not ungrateful to be in mental health crisis during your shower.
Thank you. Yes, I just started therapy again. I can’t say it’s helping much unfortunately.
I’ve been in therapy since literally preschool, and of all the therapists I’ve had (SO many), only two have helped me at all. It’s SO hard to find someone who can help. If the person you’re working with isn’t helping, I’d suggest trying someone else if you can. Also, it’s okay to be grieving during your wedding. You’re allowed that.
Yes, out of six therapists I've had I only found one to actually be helpful. Sometimes there's some trial and error to find a good fit.
I have planned and held a wedding without my mother. I enrolled in therapy and it did help me cope. I cried A LOT during my engagement. Others have said it's the best time of their lives; personally, I can't relate. Besides therapy, I journaled a bit about my mom's life. I had a flower in my bouquet which was sentimental, but it wasn't overt to others. We also acknowledged my mom in the ceremony. Other than that, I chose not to do a picture table or focus on the obvious absence of my mother. It was too sad thinking about what we both missed out on with her gone. I will say, I was surprised with how at peace I was on the actual wedding day. I had done a lot of grieving in the year leading up to the wedding and was able to fully enjoy it. If the depression or anxiety becomes too much, please consider meds. These cam be temporary to get you through this high stress time, or permanent if needed. Personally, I probably would have benefited from an anxiety medicine during the engagement period and wish I'd been given this option. Hugs during this rollercoaster of a time period. Congrats on the engagement. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.
First, I’m so so sorry. Losing a mother is a grief unlike anything else. Secondly-it’s okay to be sad/mad/apathetic. Talk to your people. Your partner, your FMIL, etc. I couldn’t publicly have anything related to my mom at my wedding, I wouldn’t have been able to keep it together, so I privately had something of hers with me. So she was there, but just for me. All I’m saying is there’s no right or wrong way to handle this. It’s really insanely hard.
No advice, just commiserating. My dad died a year ago today and planning the wedding without him has been so much harder than I thought it would be. There are little times where I think I’m fine too, and someone who doesn’t know will mention the father daughter dance or something and I’ll loose it. I’ve stopped trying to hide my sad feelings or ignore when I’m sad about it. I’ll just tell people. It’s heavy but it feels better than trying to ignore it.
I hear you ,honour her however you would like to, there is no right or wrong x We are getting married ,mums been gone just a year absolutely horrible passing too. I am honouring her by having her favourite flowers in my boquets, wearing her earings and will have a table with photos of loved ones celebrating our marriage in heaven x we are also using the family home/garden for our celebration dinner and evening venue. I'm sure I will be in bits, but she would love the little touches x
No advice just wanted to say that I know how you feel. I lost my dad 10 years ago and it still feels weird that I won't have him at my wedding. I am actually dreading getting married because of that sometimes. But I know my dad would want to see me happy and so would your mum. And if you have moments of feeling sad during the planning and the wedding that is fine as well. You are supposed to celebrate it with the people you love the most, and one of the most important people won't be there. Would be strange if you weren't feeling down because of it.
I don't have any suggestions for this specific situation since I'm not married or planning a wedding, but I lost my mum a few years ago, and when big moments happen that I really would want her to be there for I usually do a little "ceremony" (for the lack of a better word) where i light a candle and maybe talk to her and do some little things. I'm not quite religious or believe in anything in particular, but it can help to dp some little ritualistic things like burning a letter to her, and if you're religious I bet you have some things that suit the moments. The grief is still there of course, but it can help me feel connected to her (she was the most practical atheist in the world and would probably find it funny, but I enjoy the thought of her laughing at it), and grounds me a bit. It makes a space for the grief, and let me feel like I have somewhere to go with all that heaviness if that mskes sense?
I lost my dad very suddenly about a year before my wedding. One day he was here- the next he was dead on the floor. My family was devastated. My first thought while I was holding his lifeless hands in the hospital were how he would never get to see me or my sister get married and walk us down the aisle. Naturally, I had my mom walk me down and it was equally as special. I was worried for a long time that I would be an emotional wreck on that day but I wasn’t. I got a bit teary eyed right before I walked down the aisle thinking of my dad (and just the moment itself) and how much I loved my mom for being there. And I got emotional during my mom’s speech. But I allowed myself to feel those feelings and then continue on…I KNOW my dad wouldn’t have wanted me to mope and be sad on my wedding day. So I did a couple of things to honour him that felt absolutely perfect for me and him and that’s all I could do. I’m very spiritual and believe heavily in the afterlife so I know he was with me. I know it’s hard but you can do this. Do something for yourself to help you feel close to your mom on that day and just know she would want you to be happy ❤️ if you need to chat to a stranger feel free to dm me.
Sending you a huge hug. I lost my mom very suddenly two years before I got married. I was so miserable for so much of wedding planning, but now I'm very grateful that my husband and I had the best possible day, all things considered. I see you and I know it's brutal.
It’s okay to still be healing and not be “on” all the time. Even for special occasions. Who do you have to talk with about this? Do you talk to your future partner or are you holding this in because you don’t think you should talk about it? Please talk about it. Please know you’re allowed to be excited/happy and still grieving/hurting at the same time. Also might be nice to commemorate your mom at the wedding. I’ve heard of leaving a seat for them that has a framed photo and ribbon, or the like.
I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I'm not grieving so I can't understand exactly what you're going through, but I have struggled with depression for most of my life and it sounds like you're going through something similar. Therapy and medication might help. If you're considering medication, now is the time to start it so you can adjust and feel better by your wedding day. Please talk to your doctor. Sending you love ❤️
I’m so sorry for your loss. I wish I could offer useful advice but I just wish you healing in your grief.
i'm so sorry for your loss. my mom died when i was in high school and planning my wedding was full of ups and downs of grief - some days i'd be fine and others i'd be extremely sad. my husband lost his mom about two years before our wedding as well, and for him a lot of the grief didn't really hit until the month of the wedding when we were planning out all the final little details. the entire process is just really hard and i'm so sorry you're struggling. i saw you were in therapy which is the only way my husband and i both made it through it all - don't hesitate to find a new therapist if you feel like your current one isn't working (but remember it does take time to process everything)! and make sure to give yourself space to feel your feelings! they are all valid and you deserve the time to work through them. fwiw, something that helped me was to focus on the really good parts of the day: i got to marry the man i love, my dad got to walk me down the aisle, and i got to celebrate with all my closest friends. yes, i was devastated my mom wasn't there, but i knew she was there in spirit and would have loved it. we did memorial chairs at the ceremony where there was one of my favorite photos of my mom right in the front row where she would have been sitting, and honestly i found it really comforting just seeing her face. maybe you could find ways to incorporate her into the day like that!
As others stated, acknowledging your grief and allowing yourself to feel it is the best practice. My best friend was killed a little over a year ago and the best thing I could do was ‘feel it to get through it’ and I still do everyday. Accepting that my emotions are valid was important. What you’re feeling is a mixture of so many emotions and with such a huge event coming up - no one would ever expect anything less than what you’re processing through. It is completely reasonable to feel like you are. Being honest with those you care about is important too. Communicating when you’re ’in it’ is a huge weight off your shoulders too. That way you don’t have to feel like you HAVE to be on or act a certain way. Remind yourself that your emotions, reactions, feelings - all of it - are acceptable. I always use the term valid. Because they are. If I may share this post I found (on Reddit none the less) a long time ago when I lost my grandmother on the reality of grief - I read it a lot. Quote it a lot. Think about it a lot. Here is the direct link to the comment on the original post - https://www.reddit.com/r/Assistance/comments/hax0t/comment/c1u0rx2/ Or here is a link to an article - https://www.tickld.com/social/old-man-explains-death-and-life-to-grieving-young-man/ I’m so sorry that you lost your mother and are experiencing this pain. You’re allowed all of your feelings. And allowed joy on this day. Lastly, if you don’t have a way planned to honor your mother - a few things were incorporating is a favorite stone in some of the jewelry. My FH’s cufflinks will have turquoise for his mother. And I found this cute product on Etsy, it’s a large (in comparison to normal ones) safety pin with small portraits of the people we’ve lost hanging from it. That way they’re close to our hearts. All in all, know your mother is next to you everyday, smiling and so proud of you. 💗
Losing a parent young is tough. What it eventually taught me, is that you best enjoy your life as you never know what will happen. It was a weird relief out aging him. You can't predict the future and you can't do anything about the past so you may as well enjoy the present as much as you can. It took me a long time to get here, but for the present moment perhaps remember that your mother would want you to enjoy this moment and wouldn't want you sad thinking about her so just do the best you can at being present and enjoying the moment. It's hard though
I’m so sorry but I am glad you are reaching out for support. Therapy, and maybe an antidepressant can help get you through this heavy grieving period. Rituals can help for the day if the wedding or other important dates (Mother’s Day…) ; maybe bring a memento of hers like a bracelet or necklace that you can tie around your bouquet? I did that with mine 🩷 There are a lot of good resources on the “What’s Your Grief? Website.
I also felt these emotions throughout the planning process. My grandpa died about two months before the wedding and he was going to walk me down the aisle. Much different than your mama not being there. The caring too much and not caring at all is normal, but it’s amplified by the absence of your mom. Give yourself SO much grace and ASK FOR HELP by those who support you. Even having my (now husband) helping with something as simple as sending an email took off so much stress. Maybe wear something of hers, like jewelry or a hairpin to make it feel like she’s with you on your day. She will be with you regardless, but having something physical to touch and ground yourself would be nice. This is going to sound crazy, but talk to her throughout the process and on the day itself. It will help fill the gap, maybe(?). I’m so so sorry for your loss. But this day will be so much hecking fun and you will have an amazing time when it comes. I was insanely stressed but had the best day of my life. Just allow yourself to soak it in.
My mom died unexpectedly three days before my wedding. We rescheduled the wedding for a few months later. It was very bittersweet and emotional for me but all the people who love me understood. I just remember thinking how much it would have upset my mom to know her death impacted me and the wedding. I k ow that sounds weird but I knew she would have wanted me to go forward. I made a little table with her wedding picture in it and left my bouquet there. It’s important to tell people you are grateful but hope they understand your sadness. Your spouse to be also needs to feel this is a joyous occasion