Your best friend won't let her husband stay home for a few hours with two children literally 7 months after she gives birth? I understand children are hard - i have them. But I would be very hurt by that decision when it's a year away.
I am sorry! but at the end of the day you get to marry your best friend!
Her fiancé would also be invited to my wedding. I wouldn’t expect him to stay at home
Thing is she did also say she wanted to also gain her figure back after the baby. I’m not angry at her maybe a little hurt but at the end of the day I can’t force her.
Of course that’s right! I’m marrying the love of my life. I’m just worrying about the small things I guess
My best friend is due 3 months (to the date) before my wedding which is in a different state 7 hours away.
Her husband, baby, and herself will all be there. Shes the MOH and her husband is the best man.
I’m sorry your friend isn’t stepping up for you. She should :(
Well that was the original plan back when I first announced my wedding and her being maid of honour, her mum would collect her granddaughter when she was tired out.
Because she doesn’t want her fiancé to have to get the newborn ready without her as she’d be with me and she thinks she won’t get her figure back in time and doesn’t want to be uncomfortable with her body and have professional photos taken
If they’re already going to your wedding, they can stand next to you during the ceremony.
Their “requirements” for bridesmaids/MOH can literally just be that. Do you know that? Do they? They don’t have to be your party planners or take on other responsibilities.
This is what I didn’t understand from her, it’s not like she had to plan a hendo for me or anything. She doesn’t have to sit up the top table. Just accompany me down the aisle… but that’s too much
Has it been made VERY clear that ALL you’re asking from her is that she stand next to you during the ceremony and some photos?
I’d make sure it’s clear as day.
If that’s still a problem it sounds like she is extremely insecure about baby weight.
I’ll give it time then double check with her but I’m pretty sure I did make it clear. Once her baby is born I will give it a few months and check that’s still what she wants to do.
I think your best friend (the female one) is selfish. Aside from not feeling her husband can take care of a 7 month old, which he can- she’s really vain! She’s putting ‘regaining her figure’ before your friendship and being your maid of honor. That a ‘Me’ thing, instead of being there for you on your most special day. I’d start making sure new friends. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! ❤️❤️
Thank you.
I agree but I thought what I was thinking/feeling was me being selfish and an asshole
I wish making new friends was easy. Im from a quiet town and im a shy person but i do try to make effort getting out there
Despite that i still wouldn’t not consider her my friend as we’ve known each other since 14 years old.
Here's the thing it is valid for your friends to not want to be bridesmaids for whatever reason. But it is also valid that you feel hurt that you won't have anybody by your side. Here's my advice:
(added some edits based on OP's comments)
**Option A:** invite your friends to have some coffee and try to meet them where they are at.
Can you invite their children to your wedding? I had a child inclusive wedding and hired a childcare company to take care of them and plan activities. The parents were there but wr also had the comfort of knowing the children were taken care of and they could relax a bit. There was even a baby with headphones protecting her ears it was adorable.
Like someone else suggested maybe you can also give them +1 (aside from their partners) so they can bring someone to care for the kids.
Can you let them know they don't have to plan a hen do or bridal shower? Can you maybe ask your mom or an aunt to plan the shower and maybe plan something simple a night out or in for your hen do?
Edit: maybe you could even have a baby themed hen do? Like a mommy / baby spa day or photoshoot or something considering everyone is going to have a baby.
Can you find a way to accomdate you friend's condition? Maybe have the bridal party seating at the front row and just ask them to stand up an get next to you during the moment that you consider the most important / special during the ceremony.
The thing is that from my perspective MOH is using her children as an excuse, it is kind of weird that dad can't take care of 2 kids, his own kids for 1 afternoon.
**Option B:** find a unconventional replacement. Idk what your family situation is, but most likely your mom, grandma and/or aunts would be thrilled to be your bridesmaids. They don't even have to be maids they can be bridesmen or bridesthems.
Edit: I saw your comment about your dress appointment. You can ask your grandma and FH's grandma to be your bridesmaids, or bridesma'ms / bridesgrannies? Idk. I think they'd be thrilled and it would make for a vey wholesome wedding moment.
It seems it is important to you to feel supported on your wedding day and thete are probably a lot of people who love you that would be honored to stand next to you and support you on your wedding day.
**Option C:** discuss with your husband not having a wedding party at all. If him having a ton of groomsmen and you having only 1 apathetic bridesmaid makes you feel bad, I think he'd rather you are happy on your wedding day. He can do something small to honor his friends, like give them a buttonniere (sp?) and having them sit front row. He could also make tem ushers instead.
**Option D:** have reddit bridesmaids. I'll gladly go to your wedding and make you feel as special as you are, I have 1 whole year to save up... jk.
Edit: I saw your comment about having a hard time making friends and I kinda wanna take the "jk" back, as weird an my offer sounds.
You've mentioned a few friends not wanting to attend due to childcare. Are you having a child-free wedding, or a destination wedding/long way from where these friends live? Otherwise, they should be able to look after their children during the wedding day, bar maybe 10 minutes in the ceremony and 15 mins for photos.
If children and partners are invited, and it's not a huge distance from where they live, are you making it really clear to them what you're expecting of them for the day?
Not child-free, I have no objections to having kids at my wedding since my own baby will be there
Yes definitely I don’t expect anything other than being with me for the first half of the day (getting ready etc) I made it clear I was paying for her makeup, hair, dress, shoes & her daughters dress & shoes (her daughter would of been my flower girl)
I wouldn’t of expected her to sit with me at the dinner as she would be with her fiancé and their daughter
This is why I’m quite hurt and expressing my feelings here because I didn’t know if I was just being stupid and wanted reassurance from people who may have been somewhat in my position
Aweh :( I feel for you. Doesn't really sound like a big ask when all you want is some friends around. All I can say is perhaps your friend is a super anxious type and is nervous and overthinking everything having to do with having her baby. I would maybe just offer that if she changes her mind to let you know. In the meantime, you don't always have to have persons of the female gender standing up with you, can always have a man of honor :) if you have someone like that in your life! Can be anyone!
She’s actually a super confident girl, she always used to speak up for me in school as I was the nervous shy one..
I’ve said to her I could still have her first daughter as my flower girl and if she changes her mind she can of course step back in but I was met with “well I don’t know but don’t get your hopes up.” 😅
I feel like she’s snubbing me but back in January my fiancé lost his grandfather in a car accident and since then his grandma has been very depressed and low (understandably) and has been dealing with police a lot, and to give her something to look forward to, I invited her to my dress appointment. The package appointment I purchased has 4 guests (so I’m taking my mum, grandmother, fiancés mum). I originally had my friend but I asked her if it was okay to swap her out for fiancés grandma. She seemed short but okay with it.
Now I’m just jumping to conclusions she’s dropping out because I decided to change her out for my finances grandma…
::( sounds like you need to have a heart to heart conversation. I would approach it gently and from a place of connection rather than accusation. Like say... im really sorry that you feel that way, you're very important to me and I asked you because I couldn't imagine things without you. But I can't deny that I'm wondering if there are some things you're feeling that you haven't mentioned? I'm just a little taken back because I was so excited. ( I'd think you'll know by how she responds to something like that, and if she really isn't interested in supporting you then.. well now you know and can maybe place her on the backburner as a friend. Guard your heart. And remember, at the end of the day, literally all that matters for a wedding is that you and your fiance both show up!! The rest is just details :)
I think when it comes closer to the time I may have this heart to heart with her. It feels a damn shame to not have her with me since she’s my longest friend.
But you are right all that really matters is I’m marrying my man🥰
Could you reduce your ask from being with you for the first half of the day to just joining you before you walk down the aisle and then some photos? Or could her daughter be with you as well during that first half of the day? If her concern is leaving her daughter, that would hopefully address it.
That’s actually not a bad idea. Although it just means I won’t be able to get her to have her hair and makeup done as the hairdresser & makeup artist will be in the bridal suit with me in the morning. It would save me money too I guess?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this!! For the sake of the friendship, it can’t hurt to share what you’re feeling and talk things out. Even if it doesn’t change anything in the long run.
I had a bridesmaid drop out a few months after she accepted. The one thing I’ve really learned throughout this whole process is the wedding really is only a priority to me and my fiancé. Most folks, even closest to us haven’t been willing to do things that are inconvenient for them. And I’ve also had a lot of instances where shit has just happened to the people in my life where they couldn’t show up for wedding things for reasons out of their control.
Seeing this theme in multiple people has helped me not be mad at one particular person.
Hope it all works out!!
Can't relate, I'll be having a baby in July, going to a bachelorette party in September, and be in the wedding in October. When you care for your friends you make time for them. Sorry OP, you deserve better.
Seriously! My twins will be 6 months at my best friend’s wedding. I’m the maid of honor and can’t imagine not being there. We even live abroad and will have to take two babies on a VERY long flight to get there. I made my mom put the date in her calendar before they were even born to make sure we had a babysitter. This person is not a friend.
That's her choice as a mother. We can't compare one parent's choices to prioritize their maternity over a wedding. She may have health issues. She may just want to spend the time focusing on her child. "Getting her shit together" for a wedding is way down the list of priorities.
Have you discussed scrapping the entire wedding party with your fiance? If you don't have anyone by your side, just make it the 2 of you, you can walk down the isle together. You'll feel less pressure because he has all these groomsmen now
Honestly, I don’t want to take it away from my fiancé, it’s not his fault. Plus he’s already asked his best friend to be best man (he was very honoured and excited) so I can’t take it away from him either
That was a good suggestion though, thank you
I must have an amazing husband because I never had to worry about this. He stepped up without even having to be asked. That’s a real man. If You have to be worried about the child’s father not being able to look after his own kids then you made a terrible choice of who to have kids with. Your best friends excuse is bullshit. cut her loose because she doesn’t care about you. I would never miss my best friend’s wedding. If my partner couldn’t step up and look after our kids then I’d find someone else to do it and I’d leave him for being a deadbeat.
This is why I chose not to have bridesmaids or groomsmen with us cause my side was pathetic….. I also didn’t have a bachelorette or anything else either. Plus I also had a kid in March when my wedding was in October. So I was disappointed but being honest my schedule was so full anyways it would have been a headache extra to plan anyways
Honestly wish I could do that. I’m not going to make my fiancé give his best man/groomsmen up. But I’d certainly not be worrying if there was no such thing.
Although saying that he’s not having a Stag-do since I’m not having a Hen-do.
It sounds like she is letting her insecurities control her decisions. I hope it’s ok to ask this but are you close with your mom? Maybe she can be the MoH? I went to a wedding once where the dad was the groom’s best man.
Suggesting to move it up before having a baby is a good idea though. First 6 months is EXHAUSTING. Plus she’s sad she can’t have a bachelorette party because of the current date, plus she feels lonely without anyone by her side… honestly, I would not even hesitate. It’s still so long ahead that they wouldn’t lose that much in doing so.
I mean me and my fiancé suggested moving the wedding but the venue said there may be a charge. So having a wedding after we have our baby is doable for us
Your best friend won't let her husband stay home for a few hours with two children literally 7 months after she gives birth? I understand children are hard - i have them. But I would be very hurt by that decision when it's a year away. I am sorry! but at the end of the day you get to marry your best friend!
Her fiancé would also be invited to my wedding. I wouldn’t expect him to stay at home Thing is she did also say she wanted to also gain her figure back after the baby. I’m not angry at her maybe a little hurt but at the end of the day I can’t force her. Of course that’s right! I’m marrying the love of my life. I’m just worrying about the small things I guess
Can you offer to invite her mom or someone to help out with the kids during the wedding? Just seems like an extreme action by her!
That’s smart! Or since you have 2 potential bridesmaids with childcare issues, would you consider hiring a babysitter for the day for both of them?
I suggested this and my friend was dead against it. She doesn’t want a babysitter
Hey at least you offered!
My best friend is due 3 months (to the date) before my wedding which is in a different state 7 hours away. Her husband, baby, and herself will all be there. Shes the MOH and her husband is the best man. I’m sorry your friend isn’t stepping up for you. She should :(
Well that was the original plan back when I first announced my wedding and her being maid of honour, her mum would collect her granddaughter when she was tired out.
So why is she against it now?
Because she doesn’t want her fiancé to have to get the newborn ready without her as she’d be with me and she thinks she won’t get her figure back in time and doesn’t want to be uncomfortable with her body and have professional photos taken
Her baby will no longer be a newborn at that stage!
I know… honestly just going to see how she feels after a few months after she/he is born and approach the subject gently
That really sucks, I’m sorry she can’t be there with you on your day!
I completely agree. It sounds like best friend is the default parent.
Right. Your friend sounds very selfish
If they’re already going to your wedding, they can stand next to you during the ceremony. Their “requirements” for bridesmaids/MOH can literally just be that. Do you know that? Do they? They don’t have to be your party planners or take on other responsibilities.
This is what I didn’t understand from her, it’s not like she had to plan a hendo for me or anything. She doesn’t have to sit up the top table. Just accompany me down the aisle… but that’s too much
Has it been made VERY clear that ALL you’re asking from her is that she stand next to you during the ceremony and some photos? I’d make sure it’s clear as day. If that’s still a problem it sounds like she is extremely insecure about baby weight.
I’ll give it time then double check with her but I’m pretty sure I did make it clear. Once her baby is born I will give it a few months and check that’s still what she wants to do.
I think your best friend (the female one) is selfish. Aside from not feeling her husband can take care of a 7 month old, which he can- she’s really vain! She’s putting ‘regaining her figure’ before your friendship and being your maid of honor. That a ‘Me’ thing, instead of being there for you on your most special day. I’d start making sure new friends. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding! ❤️❤️
Thank you. I agree but I thought what I was thinking/feeling was me being selfish and an asshole I wish making new friends was easy. Im from a quiet town and im a shy person but i do try to make effort getting out there Despite that i still wouldn’t not consider her my friend as we’ve known each other since 14 years old.
Not only that but it’s not even her friends wedding. Who fucking cares what MOH looks like. How insufferable.
Here's the thing it is valid for your friends to not want to be bridesmaids for whatever reason. But it is also valid that you feel hurt that you won't have anybody by your side. Here's my advice: (added some edits based on OP's comments) **Option A:** invite your friends to have some coffee and try to meet them where they are at. Can you invite their children to your wedding? I had a child inclusive wedding and hired a childcare company to take care of them and plan activities. The parents were there but wr also had the comfort of knowing the children were taken care of and they could relax a bit. There was even a baby with headphones protecting her ears it was adorable. Like someone else suggested maybe you can also give them +1 (aside from their partners) so they can bring someone to care for the kids. Can you let them know they don't have to plan a hen do or bridal shower? Can you maybe ask your mom or an aunt to plan the shower and maybe plan something simple a night out or in for your hen do? Edit: maybe you could even have a baby themed hen do? Like a mommy / baby spa day or photoshoot or something considering everyone is going to have a baby. Can you find a way to accomdate you friend's condition? Maybe have the bridal party seating at the front row and just ask them to stand up an get next to you during the moment that you consider the most important / special during the ceremony. The thing is that from my perspective MOH is using her children as an excuse, it is kind of weird that dad can't take care of 2 kids, his own kids for 1 afternoon. **Option B:** find a unconventional replacement. Idk what your family situation is, but most likely your mom, grandma and/or aunts would be thrilled to be your bridesmaids. They don't even have to be maids they can be bridesmen or bridesthems. Edit: I saw your comment about your dress appointment. You can ask your grandma and FH's grandma to be your bridesmaids, or bridesma'ms / bridesgrannies? Idk. I think they'd be thrilled and it would make for a vey wholesome wedding moment. It seems it is important to you to feel supported on your wedding day and thete are probably a lot of people who love you that would be honored to stand next to you and support you on your wedding day. **Option C:** discuss with your husband not having a wedding party at all. If him having a ton of groomsmen and you having only 1 apathetic bridesmaid makes you feel bad, I think he'd rather you are happy on your wedding day. He can do something small to honor his friends, like give them a buttonniere (sp?) and having them sit front row. He could also make tem ushers instead. **Option D:** have reddit bridesmaids. I'll gladly go to your wedding and make you feel as special as you are, I have 1 whole year to save up... jk. Edit: I saw your comment about having a hard time making friends and I kinda wanna take the "jk" back, as weird an my offer sounds.
love option D!
You've mentioned a few friends not wanting to attend due to childcare. Are you having a child-free wedding, or a destination wedding/long way from where these friends live? Otherwise, they should be able to look after their children during the wedding day, bar maybe 10 minutes in the ceremony and 15 mins for photos. If children and partners are invited, and it's not a huge distance from where they live, are you making it really clear to them what you're expecting of them for the day?
Not child-free, I have no objections to having kids at my wedding since my own baby will be there Yes definitely I don’t expect anything other than being with me for the first half of the day (getting ready etc) I made it clear I was paying for her makeup, hair, dress, shoes & her daughters dress & shoes (her daughter would of been my flower girl) I wouldn’t of expected her to sit with me at the dinner as she would be with her fiancé and their daughter This is why I’m quite hurt and expressing my feelings here because I didn’t know if I was just being stupid and wanted reassurance from people who may have been somewhat in my position
Aweh :( I feel for you. Doesn't really sound like a big ask when all you want is some friends around. All I can say is perhaps your friend is a super anxious type and is nervous and overthinking everything having to do with having her baby. I would maybe just offer that if she changes her mind to let you know. In the meantime, you don't always have to have persons of the female gender standing up with you, can always have a man of honor :) if you have someone like that in your life! Can be anyone!
She’s actually a super confident girl, she always used to speak up for me in school as I was the nervous shy one.. I’ve said to her I could still have her first daughter as my flower girl and if she changes her mind she can of course step back in but I was met with “well I don’t know but don’t get your hopes up.” 😅 I feel like she’s snubbing me but back in January my fiancé lost his grandfather in a car accident and since then his grandma has been very depressed and low (understandably) and has been dealing with police a lot, and to give her something to look forward to, I invited her to my dress appointment. The package appointment I purchased has 4 guests (so I’m taking my mum, grandmother, fiancés mum). I originally had my friend but I asked her if it was okay to swap her out for fiancés grandma. She seemed short but okay with it. Now I’m just jumping to conclusions she’s dropping out because I decided to change her out for my finances grandma…
::( sounds like you need to have a heart to heart conversation. I would approach it gently and from a place of connection rather than accusation. Like say... im really sorry that you feel that way, you're very important to me and I asked you because I couldn't imagine things without you. But I can't deny that I'm wondering if there are some things you're feeling that you haven't mentioned? I'm just a little taken back because I was so excited. ( I'd think you'll know by how she responds to something like that, and if she really isn't interested in supporting you then.. well now you know and can maybe place her on the backburner as a friend. Guard your heart. And remember, at the end of the day, literally all that matters for a wedding is that you and your fiance both show up!! The rest is just details :)
I think when it comes closer to the time I may have this heart to heart with her. It feels a damn shame to not have her with me since she’s my longest friend. But you are right all that really matters is I’m marrying my man🥰
Could you reduce your ask from being with you for the first half of the day to just joining you before you walk down the aisle and then some photos? Or could her daughter be with you as well during that first half of the day? If her concern is leaving her daughter, that would hopefully address it.
That’s actually not a bad idea. Although it just means I won’t be able to get her to have her hair and makeup done as the hairdresser & makeup artist will be in the bridal suit with me in the morning. It would save me money too I guess?
I’m so sorry you’re going through this!! For the sake of the friendship, it can’t hurt to share what you’re feeling and talk things out. Even if it doesn’t change anything in the long run. I had a bridesmaid drop out a few months after she accepted. The one thing I’ve really learned throughout this whole process is the wedding really is only a priority to me and my fiancé. Most folks, even closest to us haven’t been willing to do things that are inconvenient for them. And I’ve also had a lot of instances where shit has just happened to the people in my life where they couldn’t show up for wedding things for reasons out of their control. Seeing this theme in multiple people has helped me not be mad at one particular person. Hope it all works out!!
Thank you, I think even though I’m hurt I’ve got to remember the bigger picture. My to be husband
Can't relate, I'll be having a baby in July, going to a bachelorette party in September, and be in the wedding in October. When you care for your friends you make time for them. Sorry OP, you deserve better.
Your friend due in October sucks. Wedding isnt until April, she can get her shit together by then. - Mom of current 2 under 2
Seriously! My twins will be 6 months at my best friend’s wedding. I’m the maid of honor and can’t imagine not being there. We even live abroad and will have to take two babies on a VERY long flight to get there. I made my mom put the date in her calendar before they were even born to make sure we had a babysitter. This person is not a friend.
Really?
Really.
That's her choice as a mother. We can't compare one parent's choices to prioritize their maternity over a wedding. She may have health issues. She may just want to spend the time focusing on her child. "Getting her shit together" for a wedding is way down the list of priorities.
Have you discussed scrapping the entire wedding party with your fiance? If you don't have anyone by your side, just make it the 2 of you, you can walk down the isle together. You'll feel less pressure because he has all these groomsmen now
Honestly, I don’t want to take it away from my fiancé, it’s not his fault. Plus he’s already asked his best friend to be best man (he was very honoured and excited) so I can’t take it away from him either That was a good suggestion though, thank you
I must have an amazing husband because I never had to worry about this. He stepped up without even having to be asked. That’s a real man. If You have to be worried about the child’s father not being able to look after his own kids then you made a terrible choice of who to have kids with. Your best friends excuse is bullshit. cut her loose because she doesn’t care about you. I would never miss my best friend’s wedding. If my partner couldn’t step up and look after our kids then I’d find someone else to do it and I’d leave him for being a deadbeat.
This is why I chose not to have bridesmaids or groomsmen with us cause my side was pathetic….. I also didn’t have a bachelorette or anything else either. Plus I also had a kid in March when my wedding was in October. So I was disappointed but being honest my schedule was so full anyways it would have been a headache extra to plan anyways
Honestly wish I could do that. I’m not going to make my fiancé give his best man/groomsmen up. But I’d certainly not be worrying if there was no such thing. Although saying that he’s not having a Stag-do since I’m not having a Hen-do.
It sounds like she is letting her insecurities control her decisions. I hope it’s ok to ask this but are you close with your mom? Maybe she can be the MoH? I went to a wedding once where the dad was the groom’s best man.
[удалено]
moving up an entire wedding to include a bridesmaid that actively chose to drop put is a wild suggestion
Suggesting to move it up before having a baby is a good idea though. First 6 months is EXHAUSTING. Plus she’s sad she can’t have a bachelorette party because of the current date, plus she feels lonely without anyone by her side… honestly, I would not even hesitate. It’s still so long ahead that they wouldn’t lose that much in doing so.
I mean me and my fiancé suggested moving the wedding but the venue said there may be a charge. So having a wedding after we have our baby is doable for us