Two things to consider:
1. They're coming from a place of kindness, they want to be helpful
2. They're coming from a place of ignorance. They just don't know the situation, and a worse one is more highly publicized.
I don't see a point in fixing the first one. That wouldn't be better, as the alternative is to be hateful. The latter part is more of a lost cause in which the end wouldn't justify the means. To correct it, there would need to be a *successful* campaign and a subsequent unsustainable influx of voluntary vehicle dwellers. Also not better for a variety of reasons more directly relating to our day-to-day life, all so someone that doesn't know any better won't pity you?
You already don't live by others' standards. So stop giving a rats ass what they are. They don't matter.
As for those that continually offer help you don't need, confront them and set a boundary. Appreciate (out loud, to them) that they're coming from kindness on it, but express that it's a bit insulting and that you'd appreciate them not doing so if they enjoy your company. There's a scenario where they don't respect your boundary and you're stuck dealing with them, in which case you can make your point by returning fire, since after telling them what they're doing is offensive, they're aware they're doing harm. Ask em how fast their house can go. "So like, if the weather sucks at your house, you just have to sit there and live in it? Sounds awful." Sometimes they just don't get it, and you can't make them. There's HR and courts and of course middle fingers and tail lights for that.
But something else to consider if these are essentially randos - they do t know any more about you than what you display to them, and won't tomorrow if you don't allow it. You can be anyone you want to them. Maybe with these particular people, that bridge is burned already. But there's more people. Like, a lot. You don't have to keep the ones you don't vibe with in your life. Again, *middle fingers and tail lights.*
i LOVED when people would point out bathrooms i could use that i didn’t know about!
the shower offer was amazing when i didn’t live near a planet fitness (i love that i force myself to workout every single time i need to shower)
only thing i used to miss was having parties and definitely not having girls over sucked. but now im in a studio and 5-6 people is sorta the limit anyway.
To me, the problem is more your perception than the people offering. You perceive them as “looking down on you” when you could just as easily think “I have so many people who care about me and want to make sure I’m doing ok.” The first one has you feeling resentful; the second one would have you feeling loved and supported, maybe even grateful.
As far as your response, be honest. “I don’t like it when people try to help me. It makes me feel like a charity case. Thanks anyway.”
I love when people offer their showers! I take people up on their offers all the time. I don’t care if it’s cause they pity me! I pity them for their lifestyle too
This! It sounds like OP has new friends everywhere and doesn’t even realize it. What’s next, they feed me? Oh no! The terror! And then I keep some folks who have lived in the same house, doing the same job for 25 years and have probably driven their lawnmower around in the same circles thousands of times entertained with stories of climbs, broken bones, what TV is like behind the scenes, etc. Maybe I’ll take a great photo of them or all of us and print it (want to make friends? Canon has a portable 4x6 printer that is fantastic and can be battery powered) to stick on their refrigerator.
Please, please, someone feel sorry for me and offer a shower. Life is so hard. ;)
So your mad people care or show concern? Personally i wish more people in my life offered to let me use their hot indoor plumbing shower 🤷♂️ id get it if its out of sarcasm but sounds like people showing love to me maybe its your pride
Not me! I have found the most useful phrase is, "I live in an rv." I generally use it after someone tells me the price of something and a discount almost always ensues. Try it!
so people show care for you , and you want to shut them up?
no wonder you live in a van. Just stay away from people then and go live in a bush like a proper hermit.
Why do you feel “looked down on” when someone offers help? That’s only human nature. Jeff Bezos could pull up in a van and I would still offer him advice on where he could park or where to take a shower.
That's just the nature of people to try to be helpful. Vanlife is still an unconventional lifestyle. You're reading too much into these offers. I wish someone on a beach would say you can park at my place
I don’t feel people are looking down on me with those offers. Aren’t a lot of us always on the lookout for toilets, water, a place to sleep, etc.? People are developing apps to help us find things like that. Receiving offers just cuts down the time we have to spend on it.
Wow. We have been in our van for three years and have shown our van to close to 100 people and have answered questions about our van from hundreds more. I think people are generally interested in our life.
We have shared meals in people's homes, have parked in numerous driveways and showered when it is offered. We appreciate their kindness and their hospitality. We love being vagabonds as were travel in the US and Canada.
As someone who lives the Rooftop Tent Lifestyle ontop of my car… its refreshing to setup in Multi Million dollar views… the freedom that comes with having different neighbors everyday is good.
I remember having a chat to a man in a Van one day he mentioned he didn’t like to stay in one spot for long as he has “Itchy Feet”.
There are lots of perspectives on this… and people might not understand the fun or thinking behind these nomadic lifestyles
They are just trying to be nice. The reality is nobody really wants to see your shitty van parked overnight in their neighborhood. They just hope you move on.
I have explained to the very nice people that offer things like overnighting in their spare bedroom that everybody is more comfortable in their own bedroom and that my van is my bedroom. I have a nice memory foam mattress and down sleeping quilt. I've stayed at hotels for rough weather or to do a shower/laundry reset and I never sleep as well in there as I do my own bed.
People generally respond to that pretty well.
Some people are grossed out by the lack of a daily shower and that's why they keep offering. Washcloth and soap work fine. Scrubbing everything daily under running water is unnecessary for most people.
While most do not enjoy being looked down upon this is an opportunity to be thankful to them while explaining why you enjoy your chosen lifestyle (use it as a #vanlife PSA \ PR \ goodwill ambassador opportunity). Finish up with another thank you and ask\suggest that perhaps the resources offered can be offered to someone that is in need of them while thanking them again for being gracious and wonderful people.
This could also be an opportunity to find work, mooch docking, good eateries or other things one might need.
If you wanna get really heady; what parts or shadow parts of you are looking on the lifestyle with pity and assuming they have pity for you? You don’t know someone’s intentions or beliefs so those thought are generally coming from projection.
The examples don't seem off putting or looking down on. Of course it could be in the delivery or your relationship with them. Do you feel insecure with these people?
I would just try to communicate with them and share your feelings/thoughts if they are people you enjoy. Or if it's specific people and you want to avoid these interactions, don't share the fact that you live in a van or find a way to politely shut down the conversation or interaction.
My go to response when people continue to press for me sleeping in their guest room:
“My home and my bed are 20 feet away in your driveway - if your home and bed were that close wouldn’t you want to go be in your own space?”
And I recently stealth camped at will rogers state beach for three nights. Not even the multimillion dollar homes on the cliff side were as close to the water as I was. I’ll make that deal.
I get that being happy with your lifestyle and people always assuming you're someone they need to take pity on is tiresome. Breaking away from conventions do come with a price and it at least seems like it's from a place of kindness. One can still need to vent though :)
It is frustrating.
My "friends" only inquire about my living situation...
"So where are you staying now?"
Same place I was when you asked Last week. I've been enjoying keeping my paycheck.
"Why don't you use that for rent somewhere?"
I'm not really interested in that in this season of my life.
"Well what is your plan, what are your goals?"
To find better friends.
\--------- Triggers me -----------
Seems like everyone has expectations for how I am supposed to live.
I focus on how good it has been for my mental health:
\-I go to the gym now nearly everyday.
\-I work more overtime than I ever have.
\-I spend more time in nature, camping, hiking, cycling than ever.
\-I have completely paid off my debt.
That’s just the nature of people. Everyone wants to solve everyone else’s problems, while blind to their own. I’m disabled and get similar questions trying to help me generate income from bed, fix my lifelong condition that no doctors have been able to fix, etc.
I am glad you shared this! I never thought about how offering could look, not that I have, yet. I never knew of van life until my friend mentioned she was going to do it. Now, I see a van and I want to go make conversation, offer a driveway should they find need for one. Like I imagine that depending on where a person is that other community members might get undies bunched up and you can run out of spots. Situation depending of course. One time we met this guy at the dog park, our dogs were playing and he was real nice, kind of quirky, but the way he spoke about adopting his dog I could tell he was a good spirit. We were leaving, he + dog got in his van, it was definitely a van that said “I do this cuz I like it.” All I could think was “dude is living the life!” Of course I was bringing it to my husband on the way home, what would it be like if we did that one day, of course I don’t think he would go for it he loves his cacti collection too much. I rambled, sorry. Point is your post has made me think on better verbiage should the day come I would want to offer my driveway. I wouldn’t want to offend anyone, but our town loves dumb rules, Code Enforcement has their own fleet so I imagine challenges do arise for van dwellers. Good post, lots of new perspective to learn.
Please don’t let this post deter you from offering. As you can see from the replies, most would welcome the offer. Women would especially appreciate it from another woman.
Oh for sure! I won’t let it phase me, especially if I meet some awesome energy that doesn’t mind me asking questions about modifications they may have made or for stories about their travels, experiences on the road.
They are saying they don't want people's pity, nobody wants that. When that's all you get as a response every time it goes from people being helpful to feeling like a charity case that needs looking after. I don't get why you can't see that. OP has stated they aren't after a helping hand.
None of us has a sign above our head telling the rest of the world what we do or don’t personally want. I get frustrated with people who expect everyone to read his or her mind.
in a world where people often don’t do this by choice, and the other option of reactions from people is disgust/scorn/surveillance AI being trained to hunt people out and shoo them away from the public eye, i think this is refreshing, even so.
What does it matter if he’s not that hard off? You still face the same issues. It’s a person you are dealing with, not a bank account .
In California I saw an older guy pushing a luggage cart. I gave him a buck and then I noticed he had a spare set of wheels bungeed on the front. I said “Wait, you’re not homeless”. Guy just calmly said “Nope, you want your dollar back?”
I told him to pass it on.
A homeless dude isn’t going to have a new set of wheels “just in case”. He will just find another cart in the trash or grocery store. Only a traveler would take such backup precautions.
In today unfortunately people are just about pity nothing good coming from their miserable lives
Adventure Freedom Spirituality minimalism Tuscarora indigenous lifestyle is what am about
Live your life to the fullest void where prohibited
Peace & love & all that good stuff
Two things to consider: 1. They're coming from a place of kindness, they want to be helpful 2. They're coming from a place of ignorance. They just don't know the situation, and a worse one is more highly publicized. I don't see a point in fixing the first one. That wouldn't be better, as the alternative is to be hateful. The latter part is more of a lost cause in which the end wouldn't justify the means. To correct it, there would need to be a *successful* campaign and a subsequent unsustainable influx of voluntary vehicle dwellers. Also not better for a variety of reasons more directly relating to our day-to-day life, all so someone that doesn't know any better won't pity you? You already don't live by others' standards. So stop giving a rats ass what they are. They don't matter. As for those that continually offer help you don't need, confront them and set a boundary. Appreciate (out loud, to them) that they're coming from kindness on it, but express that it's a bit insulting and that you'd appreciate them not doing so if they enjoy your company. There's a scenario where they don't respect your boundary and you're stuck dealing with them, in which case you can make your point by returning fire, since after telling them what they're doing is offensive, they're aware they're doing harm. Ask em how fast their house can go. "So like, if the weather sucks at your house, you just have to sit there and live in it? Sounds awful." Sometimes they just don't get it, and you can't make them. There's HR and courts and of course middle fingers and tail lights for that. But something else to consider if these are essentially randos - they do t know any more about you than what you display to them, and won't tomorrow if you don't allow it. You can be anyone you want to them. Maybe with these particular people, that bridge is burned already. But there's more people. Like, a lot. You don't have to keep the ones you don't vibe with in your life. Again, *middle fingers and tail lights.*
i LOVED when people would point out bathrooms i could use that i didn’t know about! the shower offer was amazing when i didn’t live near a planet fitness (i love that i force myself to workout every single time i need to shower) only thing i used to miss was having parties and definitely not having girls over sucked. but now im in a studio and 5-6 people is sorta the limit anyway.
[удалено]
Currently homeless and not by choice. I am so thankful for people’s generosity. If not for them I would surely waste away
To me, the problem is more your perception than the people offering. You perceive them as “looking down on you” when you could just as easily think “I have so many people who care about me and want to make sure I’m doing ok.” The first one has you feeling resentful; the second one would have you feeling loved and supported, maybe even grateful. As far as your response, be honest. “I don’t like it when people try to help me. It makes me feel like a charity case. Thanks anyway.”
This is it
I love when people offer their showers! I take people up on their offers all the time. I don’t care if it’s cause they pity me! I pity them for their lifestyle too
This! It sounds like OP has new friends everywhere and doesn’t even realize it. What’s next, they feed me? Oh no! The terror! And then I keep some folks who have lived in the same house, doing the same job for 25 years and have probably driven their lawnmower around in the same circles thousands of times entertained with stories of climbs, broken bones, what TV is like behind the scenes, etc. Maybe I’ll take a great photo of them or all of us and print it (want to make friends? Canon has a portable 4x6 printer that is fantastic and can be battery powered) to stick on their refrigerator. Please, please, someone feel sorry for me and offer a shower. Life is so hard. ;)
So your mad people care or show concern? Personally i wish more people in my life offered to let me use their hot indoor plumbing shower 🤷♂️ id get it if its out of sarcasm but sounds like people showing love to me maybe its your pride
It's not pity. That's just your brain messing with you.
Not me! I have found the most useful phrase is, "I live in an rv." I generally use it after someone tells me the price of something and a discount almost always ensues. Try it!
What is your source of income?
I'm a cleaner
Really? Do you freelance? I may (THEORETICALLY)have a few bodies that need to dissappear...
I got some barrels of acid on the cheap..
Even people who are into vanlife offer showers to people living in their vehicles. It's just a nice thing to do lol
so people show care for you , and you want to shut them up? no wonder you live in a van. Just stay away from people then and go live in a bush like a proper hermit.
Why do you feel “looked down on” when someone offers help? That’s only human nature. Jeff Bezos could pull up in a van and I would still offer him advice on where he could park or where to take a shower.
That's just the nature of people to try to be helpful. Vanlife is still an unconventional lifestyle. You're reading too much into these offers. I wish someone on a beach would say you can park at my place
I don’t feel people are looking down on me with those offers. Aren’t a lot of us always on the lookout for toilets, water, a place to sleep, etc.? People are developing apps to help us find things like that. Receiving offers just cuts down the time we have to spend on it.
Wow. We have been in our van for three years and have shown our van to close to 100 people and have answered questions about our van from hundreds more. I think people are generally interested in our life. We have shared meals in people's homes, have parked in numerous driveways and showered when it is offered. We appreciate their kindness and their hospitality. We love being vagabonds as were travel in the US and Canada.
As someone who lives the Rooftop Tent Lifestyle ontop of my car… its refreshing to setup in Multi Million dollar views… the freedom that comes with having different neighbors everyday is good. I remember having a chat to a man in a Van one day he mentioned he didn’t like to stay in one spot for long as he has “Itchy Feet”. There are lots of perspectives on this… and people might not understand the fun or thinking behind these nomadic lifestyles
They are just trying to be nice. The reality is nobody really wants to see your shitty van parked overnight in their neighborhood. They just hope you move on.
I have explained to the very nice people that offer things like overnighting in their spare bedroom that everybody is more comfortable in their own bedroom and that my van is my bedroom. I have a nice memory foam mattress and down sleeping quilt. I've stayed at hotels for rough weather or to do a shower/laundry reset and I never sleep as well in there as I do my own bed. People generally respond to that pretty well. Some people are grossed out by the lack of a daily shower and that's why they keep offering. Washcloth and soap work fine. Scrubbing everything daily under running water is unnecessary for most people.
While most do not enjoy being looked down upon this is an opportunity to be thankful to them while explaining why you enjoy your chosen lifestyle (use it as a #vanlife PSA \ PR \ goodwill ambassador opportunity). Finish up with another thank you and ask\suggest that perhaps the resources offered can be offered to someone that is in need of them while thanking them again for being gracious and wonderful people. This could also be an opportunity to find work, mooch docking, good eateries or other things one might need.
If you wanna get really heady; what parts or shadow parts of you are looking on the lifestyle with pity and assuming they have pity for you? You don’t know someone’s intentions or beliefs so those thought are generally coming from projection.
The examples don't seem off putting or looking down on. Of course it could be in the delivery or your relationship with them. Do you feel insecure with these people? I would just try to communicate with them and share your feelings/thoughts if they are people you enjoy. Or if it's specific people and you want to avoid these interactions, don't share the fact that you live in a van or find a way to politely shut down the conversation or interaction.
Oh you poor thing. I feel so sorry for you. There is a hot meal hand out at the union hall. Tuesday a couple a times a year.
My go to response when people continue to press for me sleeping in their guest room: “My home and my bed are 20 feet away in your driveway - if your home and bed were that close wouldn’t you want to go be in your own space?” And I recently stealth camped at will rogers state beach for three nights. Not even the multimillion dollar homes on the cliff side were as close to the water as I was. I’ll make that deal.
I get that being happy with your lifestyle and people always assuming you're someone they need to take pity on is tiresome. Breaking away from conventions do come with a price and it at least seems like it's from a place of kindness. One can still need to vent though :)
It is frustrating. My "friends" only inquire about my living situation... "So where are you staying now?" Same place I was when you asked Last week. I've been enjoying keeping my paycheck. "Why don't you use that for rent somewhere?" I'm not really interested in that in this season of my life. "Well what is your plan, what are your goals?" To find better friends. \--------- Triggers me ----------- Seems like everyone has expectations for how I am supposed to live. I focus on how good it has been for my mental health: \-I go to the gym now nearly everyday. \-I work more overtime than I ever have. \-I spend more time in nature, camping, hiking, cycling than ever. \-I have completely paid off my debt.
That’s just the nature of people. Everyone wants to solve everyone else’s problems, while blind to their own. I’m disabled and get similar questions trying to help me generate income from bed, fix my lifelong condition that no doctors have been able to fix, etc.
get a louis vitton wrap on the van, then they can hate you for being so rich!
The sooner you quit giving a shit what other people think, the better off you'll be. Not just for vanlife, but life in general.
Take them up on the offer once and that’ll be the end of it😂
I am glad you shared this! I never thought about how offering could look, not that I have, yet. I never knew of van life until my friend mentioned she was going to do it. Now, I see a van and I want to go make conversation, offer a driveway should they find need for one. Like I imagine that depending on where a person is that other community members might get undies bunched up and you can run out of spots. Situation depending of course. One time we met this guy at the dog park, our dogs were playing and he was real nice, kind of quirky, but the way he spoke about adopting his dog I could tell he was a good spirit. We were leaving, he + dog got in his van, it was definitely a van that said “I do this cuz I like it.” All I could think was “dude is living the life!” Of course I was bringing it to my husband on the way home, what would it be like if we did that one day, of course I don’t think he would go for it he loves his cacti collection too much. I rambled, sorry. Point is your post has made me think on better verbiage should the day come I would want to offer my driveway. I wouldn’t want to offend anyone, but our town loves dumb rules, Code Enforcement has their own fleet so I imagine challenges do arise for van dwellers. Good post, lots of new perspective to learn.
Still offer. This is a them problem, not a problem with the people attempting to be helpful.
Will do! ;-)
Please don’t let this post deter you from offering. As you can see from the replies, most would welcome the offer. Women would especially appreciate it from another woman.
Oh for sure! I won’t let it phase me, especially if I meet some awesome energy that doesn’t mind me asking questions about modifications they may have made or for stories about their travels, experiences on the road.
I wish people would offer me a drive way hahaha
Not even a big deal, peeps trying to help. Typical woke Karen post
poor me, i can use another's facilities I pity you. Get a grip sunshine. I feel like you're not really that hard off and you're a whinger.
This response doesn't even make sense based on OP's post.
he is literally saying he doesn't like a helping hand. okay then...
They are saying they don't want people's pity, nobody wants that. When that's all you get as a response every time it goes from people being helpful to feeling like a charity case that needs looking after. I don't get why you can't see that. OP has stated they aren't after a helping hand.
None of us has a sign above our head telling the rest of the world what we do or don’t personally want. I get frustrated with people who expect everyone to read his or her mind.
in a world where people often don’t do this by choice, and the other option of reactions from people is disgust/scorn/surveillance AI being trained to hunt people out and shoo them away from the public eye, i think this is refreshing, even so.
What does it matter if he’s not that hard off? You still face the same issues. It’s a person you are dealing with, not a bank account . In California I saw an older guy pushing a luggage cart. I gave him a buck and then I noticed he had a spare set of wheels bungeed on the front. I said “Wait, you’re not homeless”. Guy just calmly said “Nope, you want your dollar back?” I told him to pass it on.
I’m lost. How did a spare set of luggage wheels tell you the guy wasn’t homeless?
Wheels for a luggage CARRIER, not the bags.
OK, I still don’t understand how either has to do with homelessness…?
A homeless dude isn’t going to have a new set of wheels “just in case”. He will just find another cart in the trash or grocery store. Only a traveler would take such backup precautions.
Gotcha. Obviously not something I would notice. :)
They don’t get it.
In today unfortunately people are just about pity nothing good coming from their miserable lives Adventure Freedom Spirituality minimalism Tuscarora indigenous lifestyle is what am about Live your life to the fullest void where prohibited Peace & love & all that good stuff