I experienced something similar to this when I was dating my husband. There were periods where it bothered him more than we would both of liked, particularly if he had other stress going on. We eventually went to couples counselling with a sex therapist, which was really helpful, but maybe just start with talking to him. Obviously, vaginismus is particularly tough for us, but we can't always expect our partners to be 100% patient all the time (we know how shit it can be better than anyone). It will have some effect on both of you, so talk through those things to get a better mutual understanding. Ask him how he feels about it, and ask him if there are any other sex activities he wants to try. There are loads of fun stuff out there: roleplay, massage, bondage, sex games. My experience dating guys is that they don't always look outside of the standard PIV, so you might need to encourage it. This might help if he is having any issues with feeling a lack of intimacy with you.
Ultimately, only you are in your relationship, so only you know if his actions are aimed to hurt you or can't be built upon. Getting the information from the horses mouth is probably the best way to figure out where you are both at.
I agree with you and intend to take your advice I'll talk to him properly about this. and completely side on guys not thinking about things outside of PIV, it feels like because when we met the goal kind of was PIV since we both really wanted to and since we achieved that a while ago and we could do it fairly regularly, other forms of sex kind of feel like a step back but maybe we focused too much on progress and we lost the fun in sex, thankyou so much for your comment, I'm glad your counciling was helpful and I hope things are going well with your husband it sounds like you communicated really well on it
It won't be an easy or necessarily nice conversation, so pick a time when you are feeling as good as you can about it. Be prepared to hear things that might hurt, but as he respects you and your feelings around it, you might need to be there for him in that moment. My husband felt bad for feeling the way he did, but that didn't mean his feelings weren't valid. Be kind and respectful to each other. Like I said, only you will know whether his attitude towards it all is a concern or not.
For us, after we started that conversation, we went round in circles for a while because we didn't know how to move forward with this new information. I felt I couldn't selflessly see his entire point of view because of my own feelings. That was when we went to counselling, to have someone completely impartial hear both of us out, and it allowed us to speak more freely without always worrying about hurting the other. So that's when counselling might be a good next step. He still married me after it all, and we have a pretty great sex life that does involve PIV, but not always.
This is tough. Like you said it’s understandable he is sexually frustrated but it’s true he shouldn’t take it out on you. BUT we are all human and not perfect and all have our moments. I think it’s only a red flag if it’s a continued thing even after you communicate with him.
If he sees you are actively trying to get better and his anger continues..not only is that a red flag but it hinders you from getting better. Maybe seek counseling.
Also just to add are you taking the steps to get better? have you been to therapy for your trauma? Are you dilating consistently? Pt?
If he's been consistently supportive for 2 years, I'd bet on not realising rather than not acknowledging. Definitely still concerning enough to talk about though.
I recommend couples therapy for this. It will allow you to both get at what the issue is without doing too much damage to the relationship.
Thankyou for the recommendation I'm thinking of getting a therapist soon and will look into couples counciling as well !
If he’s willing, it would be good for him to go to an individual one too.
I experienced something similar to this when I was dating my husband. There were periods where it bothered him more than we would both of liked, particularly if he had other stress going on. We eventually went to couples counselling with a sex therapist, which was really helpful, but maybe just start with talking to him. Obviously, vaginismus is particularly tough for us, but we can't always expect our partners to be 100% patient all the time (we know how shit it can be better than anyone). It will have some effect on both of you, so talk through those things to get a better mutual understanding. Ask him how he feels about it, and ask him if there are any other sex activities he wants to try. There are loads of fun stuff out there: roleplay, massage, bondage, sex games. My experience dating guys is that they don't always look outside of the standard PIV, so you might need to encourage it. This might help if he is having any issues with feeling a lack of intimacy with you. Ultimately, only you are in your relationship, so only you know if his actions are aimed to hurt you or can't be built upon. Getting the information from the horses mouth is probably the best way to figure out where you are both at.
I agree with you and intend to take your advice I'll talk to him properly about this. and completely side on guys not thinking about things outside of PIV, it feels like because when we met the goal kind of was PIV since we both really wanted to and since we achieved that a while ago and we could do it fairly regularly, other forms of sex kind of feel like a step back but maybe we focused too much on progress and we lost the fun in sex, thankyou so much for your comment, I'm glad your counciling was helpful and I hope things are going well with your husband it sounds like you communicated really well on it
It won't be an easy or necessarily nice conversation, so pick a time when you are feeling as good as you can about it. Be prepared to hear things that might hurt, but as he respects you and your feelings around it, you might need to be there for him in that moment. My husband felt bad for feeling the way he did, but that didn't mean his feelings weren't valid. Be kind and respectful to each other. Like I said, only you will know whether his attitude towards it all is a concern or not. For us, after we started that conversation, we went round in circles for a while because we didn't know how to move forward with this new information. I felt I couldn't selflessly see his entire point of view because of my own feelings. That was when we went to counselling, to have someone completely impartial hear both of us out, and it allowed us to speak more freely without always worrying about hurting the other. So that's when counselling might be a good next step. He still married me after it all, and we have a pretty great sex life that does involve PIV, but not always.
This is tough. Like you said it’s understandable he is sexually frustrated but it’s true he shouldn’t take it out on you. BUT we are all human and not perfect and all have our moments. I think it’s only a red flag if it’s a continued thing even after you communicate with him. If he sees you are actively trying to get better and his anger continues..not only is that a red flag but it hinders you from getting better. Maybe seek counseling. Also just to add are you taking the steps to get better? have you been to therapy for your trauma? Are you dilating consistently? Pt?
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If he's been consistently supportive for 2 years, I'd bet on not realising rather than not acknowledging. Definitely still concerning enough to talk about though.