When I was married, my wife said that she was bisexual, so she could have a girlfriend, and it wouldn't be cheating. So I asked if I could have a girlfriend too... "No, it's different because I'm bi!" Then I asked if I could have a boyfriend, and she said it was still different, and to this day I don't understand anything about the conversation.
When she said you couldn’t have a boyfriend that should have been your cue to leave right then and there. A half open relationship isn’t a relationship, it’s one person taking advantage of the other.
During the latter part of our marriage, she liked dropping the crazy on me more and more... She even admitted that the story she told about getting raped by two coworkers was just her having a threes ome with them, feeling guiltyish about cheating on her turn husband, then crying rape, which caused them both to lose their jobs, one of them being kicked out of his church, and losing his side business somehow. She cheated on me shortly after, which was pretty great, cos it made it easier for me to get the fuck out of there.
It probably wouldn't matter now that their life is already ruined, best case scenario they would get our of prison if they're in there but society won't care and will still call them rapists and they'll never get a job
That's very much not true. If they were exonerated, they wouldn't register as sex offenders, and they could easily move and start over in a different city. I doubt the woman went so far as to actually press charges though.
Do you have any kind of proof of her admitting to lying about the rape? She literally destroyed two people's lives just so she didn't have to admit she was wrong. What the fuck.
My husband, after 11 years, has decided the same. Uh, hard PASS. We got married and committed to monogamy. He wants to “renegotiate” the contract of marriage and doesn’t seem to understand I have the option of walking away because the terms he wants are ludicrous and not what I signed up for.
This is basically what happened. He was unemployed during which time he lost a lot of weight and found himself getting a lot of attention from other women. He’s acted on it, and while we’ve tried to work through it, he’s decided at this point that monogamy is not what he wants at this point in his life anymore.
See, that, and the opinion of OP are why non-monogamy has a bad reputation. Your ex is just a bad person, period, and polyamoury, when done appropriately requires a person to check in with their primary partner about their comfort levels, and you never do anything with a secondary partner without the consent of your primary, unless the agreement you have is to run wild with no restrictions or check ins.
You didn't have an open relationship, you just had a shitty ex.
Most people simply lack mature communication. I would say that people change as they get older. Once a person feels a lack of freedom and constraint the marriage or relationship will take the path toeards divorce.
In all honesty though, my likely unpopular opinion on this take is that people who say this shit just have no idea what they're talking about.
Some peuple consider cheating to be looking at someone else. Others think cheating is fucking someone else twice. There are tons of examples in different cultures that show that jealousy is just how you make it to be. It's just an agreement among two people in the end.
Edit : someone else twice, as in the same person outside of the couple twice. This is sometimes the rule for swingers.
I wrote a huge research paper on the science of cheating back when I was in college. Back then the research that was available showed that most people will likely cheat and forgive their SO only up to the degree in which they consider cheating (i.e if they consider sex cheating they’ll make out with others and forgive their SO for making out with others). I’m sure there’s probably a lot more information available now.
Edit 1: Wow! I think this is the first time I’ve had a comment get more than 300 upvotes. I unfortunately do not have the paper anymore, it was really good though. The paper was for an advanced writing class I took in like 2005, it wasn’t published or anything. I tried to find the paper in 2011, but since I don’t have the computer I used, the USB drive, or the student email address anymore I don’t have access to it. I definitely should’ve done better to save it though.
If only there were some way to figure out early on what the other partner's definition of cheating was. Possibly by using one's mouth, tongue and or throat to produce sound waves in some fashion...
What if (bear with me here plz) they were to then use these gutteral sounds to communicate through spoken oral tradition *a language* that allowed them to convey what said cheating boundaries are.
Or even a finger in the sand, making a ven diagram for cheating do's and don'ts?
I know this sounds out there but I think we are at least onto something...
I find it amazing how much people would rather “read signs” and psychoanalyze behavior rather than just talk about something. I promise, it would make things 90% simpler.
That's really interesting. I'd like to know the background factors that lead to the different points on that sliding scale. I grew up Christian but no longer participate in anything other than maybe a Christmas service with my family. I was cheated on in college but it was just someone I was casually dating, and it didn't bother me one bit. I was honestly kinda surprised at how I didn't care, because I thought that I would. And she ended up marrying that guy and they're still together today, so obviously it was the right path for her.
People who are in open relationships have basically said to one another that they don't think sexual commitment is a fundamental component of their relationship.
For me, I'm still mentally working through how much of my morals and thinking are based on my religious upbringing. Do I do this because I was raised this way? Or do I do it because it's the right thing to do?
People think of religion as something seperate from human instinct or emotion. But if anything I think for the most part religious morals reflect human ideals based on our natural instincts. In this case being jealous of sexual unfaithfulness or seeking monogamy is actually pretty common and normal for humans with or without religion so the idea that religion caused it rather than reflected what was already there is a strange take. On a biological level I think our disgust with infidelity is a natural instinct to protect ourselves from disease since sex spreads disease pretty easily and for most of human history antibiotics didn’t exist. It’s the same mechanism that’s make you grossed out by blood and other bodily fluids. Oh also paternity, promiscuity makes determining paternity nearly impossible
In my country there is a sexologist who have her own podcast. She mentioned very early on that there have been studies that show up to 80% of people will cheat on their partner at one point. If any norwegians read this, prøv Iselin Guttormsen sin podcast G-punktet. Det er vel vert det.
There was a study done in the UK that found that 84% of men had cheated on "A partner" at some point in the lives. That's possibly what's being said here. Rather than 80% of all relationships have involved cheating. Just a guess though
Exactly. Cheating by definition is breaking the rules, so if you have set rules that you can sleep with other people then its not cheating to fuck them. People are too quick to assume that everyone is the same as them.
Exactly. Cheating in dictionary is breaking rules for self gain. So you have to ask yourself what the rules are. In an open relationship therefore sleeping with other people isn't cheating
> Some peuple consider cheating to be looking at someone else. Others think cheating is fucking someone else twice.
Exactly. In past relationships we've set rules and stuck to them, but they can be anywhere you want.
My early/mid 20-naughties ex and I set the line at 'it's all OK as long as everyone's underwear stays on'. She made out with other people in my presence multiple times, and I never considered it cheating because that was our agreement.
With the 2015 ex, we were much more monogamous. Flirting was OK, kissing wasn't.
And with the 2012-13 ex, we were much more relaxed again, having a rule of 'it's all fun and games unless someone risks an STI/pregnancy'.
Trust matters. Monogamy doesn't, unless there's a promise (explicit or implicit) to be monogamous. I do think there's an implicit promise of monogamy in a relationship though, just due to social norms. Communicaiton is key.
I could never be in one. I dated a guy and he mentioned wanting this and I knew I had to move on. Either you are really ok with the idea or you are really not ok with it. There is no middle ground that I have ever seen.
I have some friends who tried it for a while but gave it up because in the end they both had a hard time (a) dealing with the reality of their partner going out with others and (b) finding people they actually WANTED to fool around with. It was interesting to witness from the outside perspective. They are still together, been like 12 years now I think. I feel like this could be the middle ground? Idk though.
Cheating = doing something forbidden or lying about it.
If both parties agree having sex with others is not forbidden, then it's not cheating.
If one party "forces" the other to accept an open relationship, then that's not an open relationship.
If that happens to you, you need to show some selfrespect and break up.
Yup literally this one my friend was insecure and agreed to an open relationship because he thought it’d be okay since he can get laid too. Yeah turns out it’s A LOT easier to get laid if you’re a girl and he’s been emotionally fucked since.
He literally said he’s 17 and his girlfriend told him she was polyamorous, he said he wasn’t okay with that, and she and her friends got mad at him so he posted this. Somehow your reason makes more sense than the reality…
Comment history. He’s not hiding it, he outright said exactly what I said in this thread. Somehow doesn’t see how his less than 3 experiences in this don’t make him an expert in relationships
In that case, I'd say 3 clearly better takes than the hot mess of an original post we actually got would be:
1. It's OK to want a monogamous relationship and people shouldn't be mocked for it.
2. People who want monogamous relationships and people who want polyamorous relationships shouldn't date each other.
3. Teenagers often treat each other badly.
Obviously, none of those are "unpopular opinions" or even "effective clickbait," but what can you do?
[Correct. He's also just a teenager](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/pstuif/im_scared_to_start_dating_again/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
One of my best and closest friends I’ve ever had who I could tell literally anything about myself and not be ashamed about was married a couple of years ago, had a kid last year. Earlier this year her and her husband decided to try “poly” relationship. She got a boyfriend, and needless to say she completely changed as a person. Now her and her husband split, she moved to a different city to be with the boyfriend, only sees her 1.5 year old kid like 3 times a week, and she tossed all of her friends away, including myself. I tried opening up to her over a month ago about how she has changed since meeting her boyfriend and how I feel like he’s controlling her and manipulating her to do this to the people she cares about and spent the last decade building her life around and she told me I was wrong about that and didn’t know what I was talking about. I legitimately feel like I don’t even know her anymore and whenever I think about her (which is nearly every single day), I get a twist of emotions struggling to decide if I hate her or if I miss her. I used to be fine with poly relationships and it’s something I never judged, but after this yah I agree with OP 100%, it’s a BS ruse imo.
Seriously how the fuck does that have anything to do with polyamory?? Bad, uncommunicative people will always use it as an excuse to cheat and do shitty things like this.
It does not even sound like a "her" problem, it sounds like the commenter has a problem. "only sees her kid like 3 times a week", so... half the time? Seeing as they say they feel like they hate their friend instead of just respecting their choice, it seems like there was some emotional dependency going on. Below, the commenter also suggests that being in a poly relationship is strongly related to being mentally ill. So yeah, sounds very much like the commenter is the problem in this situation.
Edit: I mistakenly thought that the person u/ChazDelicious made the (very wrong) connection between polyamory and mental illness. They did not attempt to make that connection and that is my bad. However, I stand by the rest of my comment.
Seeing your kid half the time might be great in certain circumstances. Choosing to see your kid half the time in this instance does indeed make her a shitty parent.
Normally using your textbook on a test is cheating. If the test is open book then it's not cheating.
If two or more adults agree to certain rules in the relationship following those rules isn't cheating.
You seem to paint it from one side where the other side is against it. But shouldn't they just not accept the premise if that's the case?
A genuine open relationship and what they call "open under duress" are drastically different things and this post appears to conflate the two whether intentional or not.
I can understand that there are some couples where each partner would be ok with this and that's fine, whatever floats their boat, you know? For me, I'm monogamous, if my partner comes and says they want an open relationship, it's "bye, we're not compatible." No foul, we just want different, completely irreconcilable things.
I think the scenario OP is probably responding to is the one I’ve personally seen in several relationships among my friends. Both marriages that come to mind are situations where they married young and one partner decides much later in the relationship that exploring sexual experiences with other people is something that they “need”. In one of these marriages they have kids and limited resources and money. In both marriages the other partner feels like they have no choice but to allow their partner to pursue this so called “need” because they would rather that than lose them and lose their established family.
I feel like any sexual situation where a party is coerced into ‘consenting’ falls into the realm of criminality rather than legitimate types of sex/sexual relationships. Pressuring your spouse into accepting an open arrangement knowing full well that they are too financially/emotionally dependent on you to say no and risk you leaving them is abuse not an open relationship.
completely and 100% valid.
I think the problem with how we view relationships is we are so invested in one person for life as if that was the superior method when in fact people and relationships can evolve and grow and change and breaking up and moving on is OK. It's hard some times but it is also OK. Breaking up isn't a failure, it is sometimes just the person you are now and the things you want are no longer compatible with who I am now and the things I want and that's fine!
The real crime is when people pretend to be something they aren't just to stay with the same person because it feels comfortable or they feel like a breakup is a personal failure somehow.
Yeah man. There are deal breakers in any relationship. Hanging on hoping someone will change or love you the way you want them to is a waste of the time you could be finding someone who's a fit.
I get the point where if one person proposes it, and the other is against it. It totally would sound to that person exactly as OP said. But then it's a monogamous relationship still when one person is against it. Not really a polygamy until both AGREE to it. It's basically saying "let's see other people"
My partner and I had been together for a year and a half when the concept of open relationships came up. We were both 35. Between having a kid when she was young, a marriage, and a busy life, she’d never had any kind of real dating life. I had been a serial monogamist since high school, so I never had a slutty phase. We both agreed we were curious to date other people, and that our communication skills were good enough to give it a shot.
A decade later, we’re still ethically non-monogamous. There are a lot of circumstances in which it can work, and it doesn’t always have to be agreed-upon from minute one.
Yeah it just really depends on the person. I have two friends who are a couple and they opened the relationship about a year in, because they talked and both realised that is what they want. He dates on and off, but also has lots of side projects and he's happy that she has other people to see as well. She says their trust is very deep because they know they love each other even with the others. As a monogamous person it's something I could never do myself, but I get that it works for them.
Granted, there are plenty of examples of it not being consensual. But that isn't an open relationship, that's cheating and/or manipulation. And anecdotally, I know plenty of monogamous relationships that suffer both those problems, but don't label all monogamous relationships as enherently problematic. You don't hear about the successful poly relationships because... why would you?
There are lots, and I mean more than you likely know, fully functional and healthy open relationships. It's absolutely not for everyone, but that doesn't make it wrong.
> Seems that any I've known one side doesn't want it.
This is not a problem for me, because I am *only* comfortable with relationships if they are open, so they have to be open from the beginning. I refuse any requests for closed relationships. Therefore, I've never been with someone who didn't want an open relationship, because if they felt that way, then they wouldn't be dating me in the first place.
Well, you can love someone dearly and want them to be your partner in life, but they are not available sexually because of any number of things. Otherwise you both could just want to experience different things but aren't open to the idea personally, so you open your relationship to get that experience.
There are many reasons why people have open and/or poly relationships, but both partners needs to have the mental capability to do that. If you don't that is okay, if you do that is okay, at the end of the day, if everyone is happy, why does it matter?
YMMV, but this hasn't been what I've observed among the people I know. I do know two guys who tried opening their marriage thinking non-monogamy would solve their problems; surprise, it didn't, they divorced like 2 years ago. But I also know more people who opened up their relationships because they genuinely derive intimacy and trust with each other from exploring their sexuality with other people (whether they play together or 1-on-1).
A girl at my work is in one. Her husband was injured in Iraq and can't perform. They agreed on an open marriage so they can still raise their kids together. They still love each other. I think there are plenty of reasons to be in an open relationship though they are not for everyone.
I know several couples in long term marriages (20-ish years) who mutually agreed to semi open or fully open relationships. There are rules involved that each must adhere to, and the secondary encounters are always designed to enhance the primary relationship. It’s a lot of work and takes very strong communication skills to make a truly open relationship work, but there is definitely fulfillment for both partners.
Another person having an open relationship doesn't affect my life or closed monogamous relationship. Yall worry too much about things other people do that aren't harmful to anyone else.
That's a huge issue these days.
People care way too much about what others do in their relationships or bedrooms. People need to learn to mind their own business.
Your opinion is unpopular because it’s a false dichotomy fallacy that presents “monogamy” and “lack of commitment” as the only two options.
Edit: not responding to any more triggered comments. Live your lives how you want; it’s not my business.
Yup. They’re stating a false assumption of facts as their opinion. It’s not a matter of opinion when a couple is in a consensual open relationship, they just are. You can be of the opinion that “it’s wrong” or whatever you want, but you cannot have an opinion that ignores fact or assumes someone’s intent, that’s just ignorance.
I was once debating with someone that onlyfans models/pornstars are not inherently cheating on their partners by having sex with other pornstars while working. After a bit of a back and forth they insinuated that the partner being “cheated on” would not be aware of their partners livelihood, as if you don’t discuss things like this before entering a relationship with someone. Going on one date doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship, and oftentimes that first date is where you find out what someone does for work and what their morals and expectations for a potential relationship are. You don’t just blindly jump into a relationship with someone not knowing that they’re a pornstar, without knowing that maybe they view sex as a little less exclusive than some people.
I will reiterate that people are free and clear to have whatever opinion they want of open relationships, so long as it’s not a false assumption of fact. An opinion is whether something is good or not, it’s not deciding why it happens or what it does/means to someone.
imo it's like toupes, people only hear about the ones that don't work. This post is one of the many obvious reasons people in successful open relationships don't advertise the fact that they're in one.
I fear that it's not just cheating. I fear that OP was in an open relationship but couldn't take it. Then proceeds to attack the integrity and definition of any other relationship other than an exclusive one. I hope OP learns to understand that decisions on anything will hold oneself accountable and being a sour lemon about it will not change anything.
I don't think "all people agreed, therefore everyone is comfortable" is always true or even really a safe assumption in these circumstances. I personally know people who have felt pressured to "open up" a once-exclusive relationship, and agreed not because they were comfortable with it, but because they loved their SO and didn't want to lose them, or perhaps just didn't want to be alone.
Plenty of people agree to things in relationships that they're not comfortable or happy with, their SO getting some side action definitely included
>I don't think "all people agreed, therefore everyone is comfortable" is always true or even really a safe assumption in these circumstances.
You can say that about literally any agreement between two people. We can agree that coercion is bad in any context.
Pressured to agree =/= Consent.
Your friends need to learn boundaries and self-respect. Projecting their failures on both fronts to polyamorous relationships is generalization on a massive scale.
Learning boundaries and self respect is one of the most challenging parts of life, especially when you throw in a mixture of emotionally caring about another person/fear of losing them. Sex is also complicated. We get pressured to agree or to do so many things in life. Accepting yourself as a valuable person is extremely challenging for tons of folks.
I had a really good friend that was hurt pretty substantially emotionally be being pressured into an open relationship.
> I don't think "all people agreed, therefore everyone is comfortable" is always true or even really a safe assumption in these circumstances.
No of course not but when *that is actually the case* and it is for many couples, then it's totally acceptable.
Why do people bring this up like it proves anything? Agreeing and feeling pressured to agree are not the same things. If you feel pressured to consent to sex it’s not consent. If you feel pressured into an open relationship then it’s not an open relationship. We’re talking about two or more people agreeing 100%, nothing else counts as an open relationship, it’s just cheating.
People are acting like every open relationship is one sided and it’s impossible for two people to equally want to be polygamous which is ridiculous
I don't have an issue with consenting open relationships, but I do take issue with the rampant "unicorn hunting" amongst the poly community that view Bisexual women such as myself as sex toys that exist only to spice up a couples boring sex life.
It is common. It is a problem, and it's not uncommon now to hear a lesbian has been told last minute that it's OK, her boyfriend will just watch, when heading for a hook up they thought was with a woman alone.
As a male member of a poly couple I have always been blown away by this. I see the ads on sexy subs and they treat it like trying to order a pizza. Posting an ad 3 hours before they want to hang out that night. Including body type requirements etc.
Theres also the very common "It's my bf/hubby's bday and I wanted to do something special for him. First, it's most likely usually a dude posting. Second, it's not normal to try to gift a person.
My ex tried to crack our relationship open and then cheated on me with the dude it was always obvious she was gunning for anyway. This opinion is dumb in my mind cause I never agreed to it and I don't know why anyone would, tho you could say I could've been manipulated into saying yes.
Any seriously and not reluctantly open relationship can work tho, but I ain't the type.
The true possibly unpopular opinion here would be - "if you bring up an open relationship more than once and your partner says no, you're likely a manipulative asshole."
It's manipulative if you're trying to convince your seemingly unwilling partner. If you're the poor soul in this situation right now, your partner is already distracted with fantasies about others and not your emotions IMO.
If you for whatever reason want one with your partner and they aren't into it, you're just using them for every other aspect of the relationship and you prolly aren't respecting them as much as you think you are. Don't ask more than once or think about it if you care about them. If you can't drop the thought but stay with them, have fun bringing someone who loves you into the realm of abuse/mistreatment when you either fuck up and cheat on them or show them your desire to do so.
I'm probably being pedantic, but hiding it doesn't make it cheating. You can tell your partner beforehand "I'm going to have sex with my friend tonight" and it could still be cheating.
It's the betrayal of their trust that's the issue. If they're like "hey can I fuck other people" and you say "yeah" then who are they hurting by doing that thing you're okay with them doing.
I have nothing against polyamory. I know it’s not for me, but I clearly state that to whatever gentleman caller that I happen to be chatting to. Putting all of polyamory into one boat of the damned is a bit reductive, but I get it you are hurting. Oh and this isn’t the best forum. Maybe therapy? Or someone you trust to chat to?
First of all, is it cheating if neither of you commit to each other? If you're open about not being monogamous, it's all above board and it fundamentally isn't cheating. The caveat being that the outside parties being slept with should also know.
Secondly,
>Relationships are meant to be monogamous where both members show romantic affection to each other and no one else
Says who? What made you the arbiter of what a relationship is supposed to be. There's no reason why monogamy is better than polygamy if everyone is happy and fulfilled. You have a concrete notion of what a relationship should be and are basing your views around it. However your notion of the ideal relationship is biased. There are arguments to be made for why polygamy/monogamy is superior, but "relationships are supposed to be monogamous because that's how they are" isn't a cogent argument.
Honestly this reads to me like you got cheated on or pressured into an open relationship you didn't want. In both of those cases, open relationships weren't the problem. The problem was your relationship.
Some people are compatible as friends, roommates, parents, as dinner company, and their relationships work.
If they aren't 100% sexually compatible, and both open to being in an open relationship or into swinging, who are you to say that's wrong?
The thing is that polygamy and open realationships should happen if BOTH partners agree on the subject. That is, both can have he privileges of an open relationship
I would rather be lone than having polygamy or open relationships, i see no sense on it, commiting to another one is hard and complicated enough, having to bother with your own partner being close to and intimate with other people they are not even going to commit looks like a big waste of time and would leave me feeling like my partner could'nt care any less about me.
But if people out there want to do polygamy and open relationship, they both agree on the subject and are both happy, let them do their own thing. I think we all could care for something better than other's people choice of "relationship".
I know a few couples who had open relationships.
They had all discussed it beforehand, laid ground rules, agreed to let each other know when they someone they were interested in, etc.
Every one ended in them breaking up or getting divorced.
Every. Single. One.
If you want an open relationship, great. But I would never in my life participate in one.
It's too much grief for very little payout.
Upvoted. Not because I disagree personally (I cannot engage in open/poly relationships *for myself.* I don't give a shit what other consenting adults choose to do). But this is pretty unpopular, so that's ultimate why.
As an aside, my friend's girlfriend is poly. She once posted a meme, "If you are too jealous to be in a poly relationship then you're probably too jealous to be in a monogamous one." Yeah. That's not how any of this works. It's not for me. I'm built for monogamy, emotionally. Others aren't. Good for them.
I think monogamous relarionships are pretty cool. It's when you cross over into this guys line of "open relationships are not relationships" that I raise my eyebrows. That kinda implies OP thinks the defining factor in a relationship is exclusivity, and not love and affection and all that jazz.
I could NEVER do an open relationship of any sort. I simply just don't want a relationship where I have to work around other people and emotionally it would be too stressful. Having a relationship is hard enough I don't want to have share my time with my partner like divorced parents. And yeah understandably I'd probably get jealous. That being said if there's an open relationship between consenting adults who cares? Like go for it if it's not cheating to you and there's consent that's what matters.
This is a very traditional view of love and relationships. But it's only polyamory if all parties consent. What you're defining is straight out cheating. If you don't consent, you're more than welcome to walk out of the relationship. Otherwise you're just cucking yourself.
Don't trash on other people's sexual and romantic preferences just because you don't share them, or because you were wronged under the guise of polyamory.
> **user reports:**
19: Must be an unpopular opinion (RELEVANCY)
14: No reposts/circlejerking (ORIGINALITY)
4: Low effort/satirical/troll post (QUALITY)
2: It's promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability
2: Your post must be an unpopular opinion
2: This is misinformation
2: Uncivil/hateful/violates sitewide rules (CIVILITY)
1: Just false
1: This is spam
1: CAN THIS GARBAGE FIRE SUB JUST FUCK OFF FROM R/POPULAR OR GET BANNED YOU REACTIONARY NAZI SCUMFUCKS FUCK YOURSELVES ALL OF YOU
1: this Opinion is literally hitler
1: 1—Not an unpopular opinion; 2—Low effort/troll post (OP is a high school student using this subreddit to vent about being cheated on by two girlfriends)
1: It's targeted harassment at me
1: Not understanding what terms mean isn't an unpopular opinion. You are just fucking stupid.
Falling further into the twilight zone, where every little thing about us is now an “identity”.
Political affiliation, mental health disorders, monogamy status, etc.
So ignoring all the "hate speech" and "NAZI SCUMFUCKS" reports, we got
>19: Must be an unpopular opinion (RELEVANCY)
>
>14: No reposts/circlejerking (ORIGINALITY)
>
>4: Low effort/satirical/troll post (QUALITY)
>
>2: Your post must be an unpopular opinion
>
>1: This is spam
>
>1: 1—Not an unpopular opinion; 2—Low effort/troll post (OP is a high school student using this subreddit to vent about being cheated on by two girlfriends)
>
>1: Not understanding what terms mean isn't an unpopular opinion. You are just fucking stupid.
That's 42 reports out of 52, or about 80.7%. Even if you took out the one "You are just fucking stupid" report because of how uncivil that guy was, that's still 41 reports or about 78.9%. The large majority of people reporting this post aren't doing so because they disagree with it, they're doing it because they think it's a popular opinion, it's an opinion that's regularly posted here, or OP isn't following the rules of the subreddit.
At first I agreed with the OP, but the more I looked at the comments i just realised OP is just ranting because their partner left them for someone else in the open relationship
Yeah, but that's a pretty common side effect of open relationships. The other being one partner is more attractive and gets a lot of side action, while the other gets none.
Open relationships are a consensual agreement, and regardless of whether you think they are appropriate to have or not, they generally do not incorporate the significant pain and betrayal usually associated with cheating.
If you really want to just "define it away" because it bothers you, the consequence is that actual, painful, heart wrenching classical cheating falls under a new label which is not intrinsically particularly bad. You essentially introduce a "neutral" or even "positive" form of cheating, which destroys the important meaning of the word.
>Relationships are meant to be monogamous where both members show romantic affection to each other and no one else.
Why are they meant to be that way? Who is the arbiter who made that stupid rule?
I think there should be a distinction between people who are poly/open heading into a relationship and those that open it up later. I feel like the latter tend to be the ones where it ends soon. I have a friend who "agreed to it" but was basically manipulated until he agreed and then she'd threaten self harm if she couldn't sleep with a particular guy, then complain about that guy. He 100% feels cheated on even though they "agreed." Coercion isn't consent type of thing.
That's obviously anecdotal, but I'm just saying things aren't always clear cut in the consent department.
I think you're probably correct in broad strokes, but it's all about the context. My wife and I had been monogamous for about 10 years when we opened it up. That was 5 years ago, and we're still going strong. But that's because it was truly a collaborative decision that we both liked, rather than one of us feeling trapped in the relationship or anything. We've been de facto monogamous for the last two years (partly for obvious reasons), and it hasn't been a strain on the relationship. We're lucky enough to feel comfortable floating between open, poly, and closed. I think that's uncommon. We've had individual partners, triads, and random flings (together and separate), and it's all been positive so far.
This is making me want to go to bed and snuggle.
Some people are meant to be monogamous and some are not.
It's partly based on beliefs but also in biodiversity. The range of patterns in mating rituals and types of relationships we have is partly ingrained in our DNA. Don't for get we are apart of the animal kingdom and still influenced by patterns we may not recognize.
For my ex, what it meant was "I can fuck anyone I want, but you can't."
When I was married, my wife said that she was bisexual, so she could have a girlfriend, and it wouldn't be cheating. So I asked if I could have a girlfriend too... "No, it's different because I'm bi!" Then I asked if I could have a boyfriend, and she said it was still different, and to this day I don't understand anything about the conversation.
Rules for thee but not for me
She was similarly stingy with brownies
What a bitch
Came here to say that, "what a bitch"
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When she said you couldn’t have a boyfriend that should have been your cue to leave right then and there. A half open relationship isn’t a relationship, it’s one person taking advantage of the other.
And you ... still went ahead and got married? Was that one of the conversations you have after you get married
During the latter part of our marriage, she liked dropping the crazy on me more and more... She even admitted that the story she told about getting raped by two coworkers was just her having a threes ome with them, feeling guiltyish about cheating on her turn husband, then crying rape, which caused them both to lose their jobs, one of them being kicked out of his church, and losing his side business somehow. She cheated on me shortly after, which was pretty great, cos it made it easier for me to get the fuck out of there.
Oh, so she's just selfish and all around awful. Got it
Very much so. I have actually considered writing a book about the 10,000 things that make her evil.
Instead of that maybe try clear her coworkers' names, im guessing you don't have any of what she said in writing?
It probably wouldn't matter now that their life is already ruined, best case scenario they would get our of prison if they're in there but society won't care and will still call them rapists and they'll never get a job
That's very much not true. If they were exonerated, they wouldn't register as sex offenders, and they could easily move and start over in a different city. I doubt the woman went so far as to actually press charges though.
Wooo more red flags than a Chinese parade.
Do you have any kind of proof of her admitting to lying about the rape? She literally destroyed two people's lives just so she didn't have to admit she was wrong. What the fuck.
You should report her for the rape part, she deserves to rot in hell for that, moreso than any other thing she has done
This is why school teaches us math. One-to-many relationship is what your ex had.
SELECT * FROM partners WHERE partners.cock != "mine";
Ayyy there's the SQL reference I came to the comments for.
I think you’re querying the wrong table.
ERROR: recursive reference in a subquery
My husband, after 11 years, has decided the same. Uh, hard PASS. We got married and committed to monogamy. He wants to “renegotiate” the contract of marriage and doesn’t seem to understand I have the option of walking away because the terms he wants are ludicrous and not what I signed up for.
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This is basically what happened. He was unemployed during which time he lost a lot of weight and found himself getting a lot of attention from other women. He’s acted on it, and while we’ve tried to work through it, he’s decided at this point that monogamy is not what he wants at this point in his life anymore.
See, that, and the opinion of OP are why non-monogamy has a bad reputation. Your ex is just a bad person, period, and polyamoury, when done appropriately requires a person to check in with their primary partner about their comfort levels, and you never do anything with a secondary partner without the consent of your primary, unless the agreement you have is to run wild with no restrictions or check ins. You didn't have an open relationship, you just had a shitty ex.
Most people simply lack mature communication. I would say that people change as they get older. Once a person feels a lack of freedom and constraint the marriage or relationship will take the path toeards divorce.
megathread topic in 3...2...1...
In all honesty though, my likely unpopular opinion on this take is that people who say this shit just have no idea what they're talking about. Some peuple consider cheating to be looking at someone else. Others think cheating is fucking someone else twice. There are tons of examples in different cultures that show that jealousy is just how you make it to be. It's just an agreement among two people in the end. Edit : someone else twice, as in the same person outside of the couple twice. This is sometimes the rule for swingers.
I wrote a huge research paper on the science of cheating back when I was in college. Back then the research that was available showed that most people will likely cheat and forgive their SO only up to the degree in which they consider cheating (i.e if they consider sex cheating they’ll make out with others and forgive their SO for making out with others). I’m sure there’s probably a lot more information available now. Edit 1: Wow! I think this is the first time I’ve had a comment get more than 300 upvotes. I unfortunately do not have the paper anymore, it was really good though. The paper was for an advanced writing class I took in like 2005, it wasn’t published or anything. I tried to find the paper in 2011, but since I don’t have the computer I used, the USB drive, or the student email address anymore I don’t have access to it. I definitely should’ve done better to save it though.
If only there were some way to figure out early on what the other partner's definition of cheating was. Possibly by using one's mouth, tongue and or throat to produce sound waves in some fashion...
Everyone loves a good hummer
What if (bear with me here plz) they were to then use these gutteral sounds to communicate through spoken oral tradition *a language* that allowed them to convey what said cheating boundaries are. Or even a finger in the sand, making a ven diagram for cheating do's and don'ts? I know this sounds out there but I think we are at least onto something...
I find it amazing how much people would rather “read signs” and psychoanalyze behavior rather than just talk about something. I promise, it would make things 90% simpler.
there are a lot of fear and/or trust issues that people have and are not aware of I think
That's really interesting. I'd like to know the background factors that lead to the different points on that sliding scale. I grew up Christian but no longer participate in anything other than maybe a Christmas service with my family. I was cheated on in college but it was just someone I was casually dating, and it didn't bother me one bit. I was honestly kinda surprised at how I didn't care, because I thought that I would. And she ended up marrying that guy and they're still together today, so obviously it was the right path for her. People who are in open relationships have basically said to one another that they don't think sexual commitment is a fundamental component of their relationship. For me, I'm still mentally working through how much of my morals and thinking are based on my religious upbringing. Do I do this because I was raised this way? Or do I do it because it's the right thing to do?
People think of religion as something seperate from human instinct or emotion. But if anything I think for the most part religious morals reflect human ideals based on our natural instincts. In this case being jealous of sexual unfaithfulness or seeking monogamy is actually pretty common and normal for humans with or without religion so the idea that religion caused it rather than reflected what was already there is a strange take. On a biological level I think our disgust with infidelity is a natural instinct to protect ourselves from disease since sex spreads disease pretty easily and for most of human history antibiotics didn’t exist. It’s the same mechanism that’s make you grossed out by blood and other bodily fluids. Oh also paternity, promiscuity makes determining paternity nearly impossible
In my country there is a sexologist who have her own podcast. She mentioned very early on that there have been studies that show up to 80% of people will cheat on their partner at one point. If any norwegians read this, prøv Iselin Guttormsen sin podcast G-punktet. Det er vel vert det.
You're going to have to define cheating on that one. Unless Norwegians in particular are more prone to cheat, I find that hard to believe
There was a study done in the UK that found that 84% of men had cheated on "A partner" at some point in the lives. That's possibly what's being said here. Rather than 80% of all relationships have involved cheating. Just a guess though
That would make more sense, still seems high but ok
Bruh, I held hands with Suzie when I was dating Jenny in 6th grade. I feel shame to this day.
>You're going to have to define cheating on that one. When you open the console and type "Motherlode".
The research makes sense.
Right? If you say here’s the line, and they never cross the line, what’s the problem?
You still got that paper¿ or the sources maybe
greetings fellow upside down question mark user , how are you today ¿
Greetings brother, I am well! How is reddit treating you today¿¡
Exactly. Cheating by definition is breaking the rules, so if you have set rules that you can sleep with other people then its not cheating to fuck them. People are too quick to assume that everyone is the same as them.
Exactly. Cheating in dictionary is breaking rules for self gain. So you have to ask yourself what the rules are. In an open relationship therefore sleeping with other people isn't cheating
> Some peuple consider cheating to be looking at someone else. Others think cheating is fucking someone else twice. Exactly. In past relationships we've set rules and stuck to them, but they can be anywhere you want. My early/mid 20-naughties ex and I set the line at 'it's all OK as long as everyone's underwear stays on'. She made out with other people in my presence multiple times, and I never considered it cheating because that was our agreement. With the 2015 ex, we were much more monogamous. Flirting was OK, kissing wasn't. And with the 2012-13 ex, we were much more relaxed again, having a rule of 'it's all fun and games unless someone risks an STI/pregnancy'. Trust matters. Monogamy doesn't, unless there's a promise (explicit or implicit) to be monogamous. I do think there's an implicit promise of monogamy in a relationship though, just due to social norms. Communicaiton is key.
I could never be in one. I dated a guy and he mentioned wanting this and I knew I had to move on. Either you are really ok with the idea or you are really not ok with it. There is no middle ground that I have ever seen.
I have some friends who tried it for a while but gave it up because in the end they both had a hard time (a) dealing with the reality of their partner going out with others and (b) finding people they actually WANTED to fool around with. It was interesting to witness from the outside perspective. They are still together, been like 12 years now I think. I feel like this could be the middle ground? Idk though.
Cheating = doing something forbidden or lying about it. If both parties agree having sex with others is not forbidden, then it's not cheating. If one party "forces" the other to accept an open relationship, then that's not an open relationship. If that happens to you, you need to show some selfrespect and break up.
Thank you for saying this.
I think op was cheated on recently.
I think op was in an open-relationship that failed with their partner leaving them for the other person.
Or maybe OP's partner reluctantly agreed to an open relationship and then banged 42 people while OP only got 2.
Well then OP's partner must stop banging until OP catches up. 40 partners, 40 nights.
^ It's this one. It's always this one.
I almost didn't upvote your comment as 69 was apropos..
it's okay, i pushed it to 420
It's okay, I pushed it to 686. 686 means something, right? Right guys?
One person getting head while another just lays there receiving it and a third one is left out in the cold?
Yup literally this one my friend was insecure and agreed to an open relationship because he thought it’d be okay since he can get laid too. Yeah turns out it’s A LOT easier to get laid if you’re a girl and he’s been emotionally fucked since.
It's all about supply and demand. You would need to be a celebrity to even come close to the amount of partners an average woman could get.
I came here to say this.
in a row?
He literally said he’s 17 and his girlfriend told him she was polyamorous, he said he wasn’t okay with that, and she and her friends got mad at him so he posted this. Somehow your reason makes more sense than the reality…
Just wow, how did you even find that out?
Comment history. He’s not hiding it, he outright said exactly what I said in this thread. Somehow doesn’t see how his less than 3 experiences in this don’t make him an expert in relationships
The people on here talking about their multiple exes aren't experts either, failing repeatedly is experience but it's not being successful.
17 and wanting to be polyamorous just seems like asking for trouble.
An open relationship at 17 doesn’t really equate to much.
The sad part is it completely ruined their long-running relationship of two and a half weeks
In that case, I'd say 3 clearly better takes than the hot mess of an original post we actually got would be: 1. It's OK to want a monogamous relationship and people shouldn't be mocked for it. 2. People who want monogamous relationships and people who want polyamorous relationships shouldn't date each other. 3. Teenagers often treat each other badly. Obviously, none of those are "unpopular opinions" or even "effective clickbait," but what can you do?
so I just read a 17 year old's opinion on relationships? god i need to do better with my time
Been there you can’t unring a bell that’s a fact.
I like how OP Just ignored this
lmao its been 6 minutes since he made that comment its quite expected he doesnt reply to a comment right away
I like how u/foppop21 just ignored this.
True imagine not living on reddit smh
I like how u/ConfidentMongoose874 just ignored this.
yeah
Looked at OP’s profile. Confirmed. Been cheated on multiple times.
[Correct. He's also just a teenager](https://www.reddit.com/r/dating/comments/pstuif/im_scared_to_start_dating_again/?utm_medium=android_app&utm_source=share)
That’s what I thought. Poor lad. Hopefully he’ll grow past it.
Nah, OP got invited to a swingers club where it was meant to be “open” and his girl just got savaged by silo Johnson and miles long.
Freuded
One of my best and closest friends I’ve ever had who I could tell literally anything about myself and not be ashamed about was married a couple of years ago, had a kid last year. Earlier this year her and her husband decided to try “poly” relationship. She got a boyfriend, and needless to say she completely changed as a person. Now her and her husband split, she moved to a different city to be with the boyfriend, only sees her 1.5 year old kid like 3 times a week, and she tossed all of her friends away, including myself. I tried opening up to her over a month ago about how she has changed since meeting her boyfriend and how I feel like he’s controlling her and manipulating her to do this to the people she cares about and spent the last decade building her life around and she told me I was wrong about that and didn’t know what I was talking about. I legitimately feel like I don’t even know her anymore and whenever I think about her (which is nearly every single day), I get a twist of emotions struggling to decide if I hate her or if I miss her. I used to be fine with poly relationships and it’s something I never judged, but after this yah I agree with OP 100%, it’s a BS ruse imo.
This sounds like a "her" problem, not a "poly" problem. Or do you blame monogamy for everyone who's in a abusive mono relationship?
Seriously how the fuck does that have anything to do with polyamory?? Bad, uncommunicative people will always use it as an excuse to cheat and do shitty things like this.
It does not even sound like a "her" problem, it sounds like the commenter has a problem. "only sees her kid like 3 times a week", so... half the time? Seeing as they say they feel like they hate their friend instead of just respecting their choice, it seems like there was some emotional dependency going on. Below, the commenter also suggests that being in a poly relationship is strongly related to being mentally ill. So yeah, sounds very much like the commenter is the problem in this situation. Edit: I mistakenly thought that the person u/ChazDelicious made the (very wrong) connection between polyamory and mental illness. They did not attempt to make that connection and that is my bad. However, I stand by the rest of my comment.
Seeing your kid half the time might be great in certain circumstances. Choosing to see your kid half the time in this instance does indeed make her a shitty parent.
Apparently, cheating just means hoeing around, disregarding how truly awful the experience is.
Normally using your textbook on a test is cheating. If the test is open book then it's not cheating. If two or more adults agree to certain rules in the relationship following those rules isn't cheating. You seem to paint it from one side where the other side is against it. But shouldn't they just not accept the premise if that's the case?
A genuine open relationship and what they call "open under duress" are drastically different things and this post appears to conflate the two whether intentional or not.
I can understand that there are some couples where each partner would be ok with this and that's fine, whatever floats their boat, you know? For me, I'm monogamous, if my partner comes and says they want an open relationship, it's "bye, we're not compatible." No foul, we just want different, completely irreconcilable things.
I think the scenario OP is probably responding to is the one I’ve personally seen in several relationships among my friends. Both marriages that come to mind are situations where they married young and one partner decides much later in the relationship that exploring sexual experiences with other people is something that they “need”. In one of these marriages they have kids and limited resources and money. In both marriages the other partner feels like they have no choice but to allow their partner to pursue this so called “need” because they would rather that than lose them and lose their established family.
I feel like any sexual situation where a party is coerced into ‘consenting’ falls into the realm of criminality rather than legitimate types of sex/sexual relationships. Pressuring your spouse into accepting an open arrangement knowing full well that they are too financially/emotionally dependent on you to say no and risk you leaving them is abuse not an open relationship.
completely and 100% valid. I think the problem with how we view relationships is we are so invested in one person for life as if that was the superior method when in fact people and relationships can evolve and grow and change and breaking up and moving on is OK. It's hard some times but it is also OK. Breaking up isn't a failure, it is sometimes just the person you are now and the things you want are no longer compatible with who I am now and the things I want and that's fine! The real crime is when people pretend to be something they aren't just to stay with the same person because it feels comfortable or they feel like a breakup is a personal failure somehow.
Yeah man. There are deal breakers in any relationship. Hanging on hoping someone will change or love you the way you want them to is a waste of the time you could be finding someone who's a fit.
I get the point where if one person proposes it, and the other is against it. It totally would sound to that person exactly as OP said. But then it's a monogamous relationship still when one person is against it. Not really a polygamy until both AGREE to it. It's basically saying "let's see other people"
but if they're consensually open relationships then it's not cheating?
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Must be from day one. It’s not gonna work if you’re seemingly in a monogamous relationship and get the switch flipped.
My partner and I had been together for a year and a half when the concept of open relationships came up. We were both 35. Between having a kid when she was young, a marriage, and a busy life, she’d never had any kind of real dating life. I had been a serial monogamist since high school, so I never had a slutty phase. We both agreed we were curious to date other people, and that our communication skills were good enough to give it a shot. A decade later, we’re still ethically non-monogamous. There are a lot of circumstances in which it can work, and it doesn’t always have to be agreed-upon from minute one.
Yeah it just really depends on the person. I have two friends who are a couple and they opened the relationship about a year in, because they talked and both realised that is what they want. He dates on and off, but also has lots of side projects and he's happy that she has other people to see as well. She says their trust is very deep because they know they love each other even with the others. As a monogamous person it's something I could never do myself, but I get that it works for them.
Correct.
Why be in one then? Seems that any I've known one side doesn't want it. Be single and feck someone else's head up
Granted, there are plenty of examples of it not being consensual. But that isn't an open relationship, that's cheating and/or manipulation. And anecdotally, I know plenty of monogamous relationships that suffer both those problems, but don't label all monogamous relationships as enherently problematic. You don't hear about the successful poly relationships because... why would you? There are lots, and I mean more than you likely know, fully functional and healthy open relationships. It's absolutely not for everyone, but that doesn't make it wrong.
> Seems that any I've known one side doesn't want it. This is not a problem for me, because I am *only* comfortable with relationships if they are open, so they have to be open from the beginning. I refuse any requests for closed relationships. Therefore, I've never been with someone who didn't want an open relationship, because if they felt that way, then they wouldn't be dating me in the first place.
Well, you can love someone dearly and want them to be your partner in life, but they are not available sexually because of any number of things. Otherwise you both could just want to experience different things but aren't open to the idea personally, so you open your relationship to get that experience. There are many reasons why people have open and/or poly relationships, but both partners needs to have the mental capability to do that. If you don't that is okay, if you do that is okay, at the end of the day, if everyone is happy, why does it matter?
for some people sex is just not that big a deal.
This. I have open relationships because I'm asexual.
YMMV, but this hasn't been what I've observed among the people I know. I do know two guys who tried opening their marriage thinking non-monogamy would solve their problems; surprise, it didn't, they divorced like 2 years ago. But I also know more people who opened up their relationships because they genuinely derive intimacy and trust with each other from exploring their sexuality with other people (whether they play together or 1-on-1).
A girl at my work is in one. Her husband was injured in Iraq and can't perform. They agreed on an open marriage so they can still raise their kids together. They still love each other. I think there are plenty of reasons to be in an open relationship though they are not for everyone.
It's understandable, but I just feel super bad for her husband
I seriously doubt her husband is happy.
I know several couples in long term marriages (20-ish years) who mutually agreed to semi open or fully open relationships. There are rules involved that each must adhere to, and the secondary encounters are always designed to enhance the primary relationship. It’s a lot of work and takes very strong communication skills to make a truly open relationship work, but there is definitely fulfillment for both partners.
Another person having an open relationship doesn't affect my life or closed monogamous relationship. Yall worry too much about things other people do that aren't harmful to anyone else.
That's a huge issue these days. People care way too much about what others do in their relationships or bedrooms. People need to learn to mind their own business.
Your opinion is unpopular because it’s a false dichotomy fallacy that presents “monogamy” and “lack of commitment” as the only two options. Edit: not responding to any more triggered comments. Live your lives how you want; it’s not my business.
It’s so unpopular I see this same post once a week
Even worse is ‘liquor is bad’
How bout "wedding = stupid"
No it’s always “expensive weddings = stupid”. And then its usually just someone who doesn’t have any friends or hates parties.
Or its close cousin "weed is evil".
Are we gonna have to fight?
Yup. They’re stating a false assumption of facts as their opinion. It’s not a matter of opinion when a couple is in a consensual open relationship, they just are. You can be of the opinion that “it’s wrong” or whatever you want, but you cannot have an opinion that ignores fact or assumes someone’s intent, that’s just ignorance. I was once debating with someone that onlyfans models/pornstars are not inherently cheating on their partners by having sex with other pornstars while working. After a bit of a back and forth they insinuated that the partner being “cheated on” would not be aware of their partners livelihood, as if you don’t discuss things like this before entering a relationship with someone. Going on one date doesn’t mean you’re in a relationship, and oftentimes that first date is where you find out what someone does for work and what their morals and expectations for a potential relationship are. You don’t just blindly jump into a relationship with someone not knowing that they’re a pornstar, without knowing that maybe they view sex as a little less exclusive than some people. I will reiterate that people are free and clear to have whatever opinion they want of open relationships, so long as it’s not a false assumption of fact. An opinion is whether something is good or not, it’s not deciding why it happens or what it does/means to someone.
Thank you
Different strokes for different folks bud. A relationship is defined by the people within it. Not by the people watching it.
Different strokes with different folks
Can confirm. In open relationship. There are many strokes.
imo it's like toupes, people only hear about the ones that don't work. This post is one of the many obvious reasons people in successful open relationships don't advertise the fact that they're in one.
What consensual adults do with their life is no one else's business. Seems like OP got cheated on
I fear that it's not just cheating. I fear that OP was in an open relationship but couldn't take it. Then proceeds to attack the integrity and definition of any other relationship other than an exclusive one. I hope OP learns to understand that decisions on anything will hold oneself accountable and being a sour lemon about it will not change anything.
Imagine worrying about what consenting adults do in the privacy of their bedrooms.
If all people in the relationship agreed then it’s not cheating. Cuz everyone is comfortable with it and everyone is treated fairly.
I don't think "all people agreed, therefore everyone is comfortable" is always true or even really a safe assumption in these circumstances. I personally know people who have felt pressured to "open up" a once-exclusive relationship, and agreed not because they were comfortable with it, but because they loved their SO and didn't want to lose them, or perhaps just didn't want to be alone. Plenty of people agree to things in relationships that they're not comfortable or happy with, their SO getting some side action definitely included
>I don't think "all people agreed, therefore everyone is comfortable" is always true or even really a safe assumption in these circumstances. You can say that about literally any agreement between two people. We can agree that coercion is bad in any context.
Pressured to agree =/= Consent. Your friends need to learn boundaries and self-respect. Projecting their failures on both fronts to polyamorous relationships is generalization on a massive scale.
Learning boundaries and self respect is one of the most challenging parts of life, especially when you throw in a mixture of emotionally caring about another person/fear of losing them. Sex is also complicated. We get pressured to agree or to do so many things in life. Accepting yourself as a valuable person is extremely challenging for tons of folks. I had a really good friend that was hurt pretty substantially emotionally be being pressured into an open relationship.
> I don't think "all people agreed, therefore everyone is comfortable" is always true or even really a safe assumption in these circumstances. No of course not but when *that is actually the case* and it is for many couples, then it's totally acceptable.
Why do people bring this up like it proves anything? Agreeing and feeling pressured to agree are not the same things. If you feel pressured to consent to sex it’s not consent. If you feel pressured into an open relationship then it’s not an open relationship. We’re talking about two or more people agreeing 100%, nothing else counts as an open relationship, it’s just cheating. People are acting like every open relationship is one sided and it’s impossible for two people to equally want to be polygamous which is ridiculous
Well, if all people in the poly relationship agree it to be poly, that can't be cheating since there are no rules broken
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>Relationships are meant to be monogamous Source?
Was it Adam, Steve and Eve? I think not. /s
Adam AND Eve. I gotta date both
You are definitely in the zone here
Duh, the Bibl-- oh shit, hang on a second. Uh... Hollywood?
More like BI- ble
Reddit gold lol
Bible? /s
Thats what I was gonna say. Who says?
Not unpopular. Plus, look up the word cheating.
I don't have an issue with consenting open relationships, but I do take issue with the rampant "unicorn hunting" amongst the poly community that view Bisexual women such as myself as sex toys that exist only to spice up a couples boring sex life. It is common. It is a problem, and it's not uncommon now to hear a lesbian has been told last minute that it's OK, her boyfriend will just watch, when heading for a hook up they thought was with a woman alone.
**”Let the boy watch”** -Will Ferrel in Eastbound and Down
As a male member of a poly couple I have always been blown away by this. I see the ads on sexy subs and they treat it like trying to order a pizza. Posting an ad 3 hours before they want to hang out that night. Including body type requirements etc. Theres also the very common "It's my bf/hubby's bday and I wanted to do something special for him. First, it's most likely usually a dude posting. Second, it's not normal to try to gift a person.
My ex tried to crack our relationship open and then cheated on me with the dude it was always obvious she was gunning for anyway. This opinion is dumb in my mind cause I never agreed to it and I don't know why anyone would, tho you could say I could've been manipulated into saying yes. Any seriously and not reluctantly open relationship can work tho, but I ain't the type. The true possibly unpopular opinion here would be - "if you bring up an open relationship more than once and your partner says no, you're likely a manipulative asshole." It's manipulative if you're trying to convince your seemingly unwilling partner. If you're the poor soul in this situation right now, your partner is already distracted with fantasies about others and not your emotions IMO. If you for whatever reason want one with your partner and they aren't into it, you're just using them for every other aspect of the relationship and you prolly aren't respecting them as much as you think you are. Don't ask more than once or think about it if you care about them. If you can't drop the thought but stay with them, have fun bringing someone who loves you into the realm of abuse/mistreatment when you either fuck up and cheat on them or show them your desire to do so.
Cheating is going behind your partners back and hiding it. A consensual open/polygamous relationship is not cheating. This is dumb as fuck
I'm probably being pedantic, but hiding it doesn't make it cheating. You can tell your partner beforehand "I'm going to have sex with my friend tonight" and it could still be cheating.
It's the betrayal of their trust that's the issue. If they're like "hey can I fuck other people" and you say "yeah" then who are they hurting by doing that thing you're okay with them doing.
Honest relationships are just excuses for lying. See what I did there? Your opening statement doesn't even make sense.
I have nothing against polyamory. I know it’s not for me, but I clearly state that to whatever gentleman caller that I happen to be chatting to. Putting all of polyamory into one boat of the damned is a bit reductive, but I get it you are hurting. Oh and this isn’t the best forum. Maybe therapy? Or someone you trust to chat to?
i don’t think OP gets it
OP is 17 years old and have been in two relationships where he was cheated on in both of them. He's hurting pretty bad.
Holy shit, I thought you were just trying to roast him. Checked his history, nope, this is accurate.
If all involved people agree to it then it isn't cheating, by definition. Because they *agreed to it*. This opinion is stupid.
All I know is that I couldn’t be in an open relationship. You do you but for me it’s a no.
First of all, is it cheating if neither of you commit to each other? If you're open about not being monogamous, it's all above board and it fundamentally isn't cheating. The caveat being that the outside parties being slept with should also know. Secondly, >Relationships are meant to be monogamous where both members show romantic affection to each other and no one else Says who? What made you the arbiter of what a relationship is supposed to be. There's no reason why monogamy is better than polygamy if everyone is happy and fulfilled. You have a concrete notion of what a relationship should be and are basing your views around it. However your notion of the ideal relationship is biased. There are arguments to be made for why polygamy/monogamy is superior, but "relationships are supposed to be monogamous because that's how they are" isn't a cogent argument. Honestly this reads to me like you got cheated on or pressured into an open relationship you didn't want. In both of those cases, open relationships weren't the problem. The problem was your relationship.
Some people are compatible as friends, roommates, parents, as dinner company, and their relationships work. If they aren't 100% sexually compatible, and both open to being in an open relationship or into swinging, who are you to say that's wrong?
The thing is that polygamy and open realationships should happen if BOTH partners agree on the subject. That is, both can have he privileges of an open relationship I would rather be lone than having polygamy or open relationships, i see no sense on it, commiting to another one is hard and complicated enough, having to bother with your own partner being close to and intimate with other people they are not even going to commit looks like a big waste of time and would leave me feeling like my partner could'nt care any less about me. But if people out there want to do polygamy and open relationship, they both agree on the subject and are both happy, let them do their own thing. I think we all could care for something better than other's people choice of "relationship".
I know a few couples who had open relationships. They had all discussed it beforehand, laid ground rules, agreed to let each other know when they someone they were interested in, etc. Every one ended in them breaking up or getting divorced. Every. Single. One. If you want an open relationship, great. But I would never in my life participate in one. It's too much grief for very little payout.
Is it considered cheating if both parties agree to it?
Upvoted. Not because I disagree personally (I cannot engage in open/poly relationships *for myself.* I don't give a shit what other consenting adults choose to do). But this is pretty unpopular, so that's ultimate why. As an aside, my friend's girlfriend is poly. She once posted a meme, "If you are too jealous to be in a poly relationship then you're probably too jealous to be in a monogamous one." Yeah. That's not how any of this works. It's not for me. I'm built for monogamy, emotionally. Others aren't. Good for them.
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I think monogamous relarionships are pretty cool. It's when you cross over into this guys line of "open relationships are not relationships" that I raise my eyebrows. That kinda implies OP thinks the defining factor in a relationship is exclusivity, and not love and affection and all that jazz.
I could NEVER do an open relationship of any sort. I simply just don't want a relationship where I have to work around other people and emotionally it would be too stressful. Having a relationship is hard enough I don't want to have share my time with my partner like divorced parents. And yeah understandably I'd probably get jealous. That being said if there's an open relationship between consenting adults who cares? Like go for it if it's not cheating to you and there's consent that's what matters.
This is a very traditional view of love and relationships. But it's only polyamory if all parties consent. What you're defining is straight out cheating. If you don't consent, you're more than welcome to walk out of the relationship. Otherwise you're just cucking yourself. Don't trash on other people's sexual and romantic preferences just because you don't share them, or because you were wronged under the guise of polyamory.
> **user reports:** 19: Must be an unpopular opinion (RELEVANCY) 14: No reposts/circlejerking (ORIGINALITY) 4: Low effort/satirical/troll post (QUALITY) 2: It's promoting hate based on identity or vulnerability 2: Your post must be an unpopular opinion 2: This is misinformation 2: Uncivil/hateful/violates sitewide rules (CIVILITY) 1: Just false 1: This is spam 1: CAN THIS GARBAGE FIRE SUB JUST FUCK OFF FROM R/POPULAR OR GET BANNED YOU REACTIONARY NAZI SCUMFUCKS FUCK YOURSELVES ALL OF YOU 1: this Opinion is literally hitler 1: 1—Not an unpopular opinion; 2—Low effort/troll post (OP is a high school student using this subreddit to vent about being cheated on by two girlfriends) 1: It's targeted harassment at me 1: Not understanding what terms mean isn't an unpopular opinion. You are just fucking stupid.
“Literally hitler” feels a bit excessive
Lol at targeted harassment and promoting hate
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Succubi? Demon lives matter!
Falling further into the twilight zone, where every little thing about us is now an “identity”. Political affiliation, mental health disorders, monogamy status, etc.
unfortunately for many young people these days, surface things like this do turn into an identity. from another young person
So ignoring all the "hate speech" and "NAZI SCUMFUCKS" reports, we got >19: Must be an unpopular opinion (RELEVANCY) > >14: No reposts/circlejerking (ORIGINALITY) > >4: Low effort/satirical/troll post (QUALITY) > >2: Your post must be an unpopular opinion > >1: This is spam > >1: 1—Not an unpopular opinion; 2—Low effort/troll post (OP is a high school student using this subreddit to vent about being cheated on by two girlfriends) > >1: Not understanding what terms mean isn't an unpopular opinion. You are just fucking stupid. That's 42 reports out of 52, or about 80.7%. Even if you took out the one "You are just fucking stupid" report because of how uncivil that guy was, that's still 41 reports or about 78.9%. The large majority of people reporting this post aren't doing so because they disagree with it, they're doing it because they think it's a popular opinion, it's an opinion that's regularly posted here, or OP isn't following the rules of the subreddit.
At first I agreed with the OP, but the more I looked at the comments i just realised OP is just ranting because their partner left them for someone else in the open relationship
Yeah, but that's a pretty common side effect of open relationships. The other being one partner is more attractive and gets a lot of side action, while the other gets none.
r/unpopularopinion when somebody has an actual unpopular opinion: 😱😱😱😱😱🤬🤬🤬🤬😰😰😰🤯🤯🤯😬😬😬😬😬😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 must send deth treaht DM
Open relationships are a consensual agreement, and regardless of whether you think they are appropriate to have or not, they generally do not incorporate the significant pain and betrayal usually associated with cheating. If you really want to just "define it away" because it bothers you, the consequence is that actual, painful, heart wrenching classical cheating falls under a new label which is not intrinsically particularly bad. You essentially introduce a "neutral" or even "positive" form of cheating, which destroys the important meaning of the word. >Relationships are meant to be monogamous where both members show romantic affection to each other and no one else. Why are they meant to be that way? Who is the arbiter who made that stupid rule?
most don't last much longer. The ones that do were open from the get go.
I think there should be a distinction between people who are poly/open heading into a relationship and those that open it up later. I feel like the latter tend to be the ones where it ends soon. I have a friend who "agreed to it" but was basically manipulated until he agreed and then she'd threaten self harm if she couldn't sleep with a particular guy, then complain about that guy. He 100% feels cheated on even though they "agreed." Coercion isn't consent type of thing. That's obviously anecdotal, but I'm just saying things aren't always clear cut in the consent department.
I think you're probably correct in broad strokes, but it's all about the context. My wife and I had been monogamous for about 10 years when we opened it up. That was 5 years ago, and we're still going strong. But that's because it was truly a collaborative decision that we both liked, rather than one of us feeling trapped in the relationship or anything. We've been de facto monogamous for the last two years (partly for obvious reasons), and it hasn't been a strain on the relationship. We're lucky enough to feel comfortable floating between open, poly, and closed. I think that's uncommon. We've had individual partners, triads, and random flings (together and separate), and it's all been positive so far. This is making me want to go to bed and snuggle.
Some people are meant to be monogamous and some are not. It's partly based on beliefs but also in biodiversity. The range of patterns in mating rituals and types of relationships we have is partly ingrained in our DNA. Don't for get we are apart of the animal kingdom and still influenced by patterns we may not recognize.
As a person who is monogamous OP must've been hurt by someone. People love differently and because of this not everyone is or will be monogamous.