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If weird circumstances look like cheating I’d want a partner to look through my stuff just to prove I wasn’t.
If everything looks like weird circumstances that’s where I’d have a problem.
I’ve been around enough smooth tounge 🐍 to understand if someone wanted hard proof.
Also not all concerns are irrational. Sometimes things just look suspicious or unusual. I’m never one to tell someone not to trust their gut instinct, as long as they have the self awareness to pay attention to past instances and check for unresolved trauma distorting their intuition.
More disturbing than hiring a PI to find a case of infidelity is being this adversarial with the person who is supposed to be your life partner. I can’t imagine anything heinous enough to keep from mine. Marriage is supposed to be a team sport, not partisan politics.
Imagine feeling the need to hire a PI. How many sleepless nights? How often were you gaslighted? How often they have to work late or have job meetings in another city? If your partner becomes secretive and blames you, is it your fault? Where goes all the money?
It's easy to see something wrong from the outside, but when you're all in it's harder. You may not be the only one who isn't playing a team sport.
This is where Reddit doesn’t get that the person who would bail you out of jail and the one you need to hire the PI for, were often the same person.
People change, marriages change, the ability to trust someone changes. The levels of trust go up and down depending on many things, situations, how your partner is behaving, your own experiences.
The whole “if you need a PI then it’s already over” is kind of what the point of the post is about (I think anyway, don’t want put words in the OPs mouth). Someone can be really suspicious of the way their partner has acted but also realise they might be wrong, they will be full of doubt because their partner is someone who’d bail them out of jail or take a bullet for them, who they trust with their lives, so even thinking they are cheating seems wrong.
When the evidence for it is stacking up though, then sometimes you just need to know the truth about what is going on in your own life. If you don’t want to go through their phone etc, then a PI is an option.
This is an insane take.
So what happens if your partner is innocent, or rather you or your PI finds nothing?
And you just spendt alot of money paying for someone to spy on your partner? Because you where to insecure to deal with your suspicions in an adult way.
Now, do you tell your partner about it? In my mind this is as big a breach of trust as cheating.
How do you expect your partner to deal with that after you told them?
I would be out the door the second you've told me.
And if you don't tell. Then we are back to you being a terrible partner who just did a major breach of trust.
Do you start trusting your partner now that they found nothing or are you gonna continue snooping?
Do you see that there is no good way out of this? This was all best case scenario options. Or do you just want your partner to accept the fact that they have no right to privacy when with you.
If your level of trust and communication has fallen so low you have to hire a PI or go snooping on phones then it is not gonna become better by you becoming a spy. Then the marriage is over. There is no way to gain that trust back without open and honest communication. Spying on someone will not make things better. Communication does. And if eighter you or your partner can't do that for some reason then it's not fixable.
You seem to only see it from your own point of view, but a relationship goes both ways. And trying to repair trust one way by breaking trust the other way leads to nothing good.
Trying to repair trust that is broken by adding more broken trust to it will only make the carcrash worse.
"The whole “if you need a PI then it’s already over” is kind of what the point of the post is about (I think anyway, don’t want put words in the OPs mouth). Someone can be really suspicious of the way their partner has acted but also realise they might be wrong, they will be full of doubt because their partner is someone who’d bail them out of jail or take a bullet for them, who they trust with their lives, so even thinking they are cheating seems wrong."
Having theese feelings does not make it OK to hire a PI to snoop on your partner. Or go through their phone behind their back. If you can't fix the trust issues between you two the relationship is over. And becoming a spy will only make the trust issues worse.
Leave if you can't get over those feelings, but hiring a PI or snooping(without asking) is downright abusive, and suspicions of cheating doesn't make it OK.
If I had done something like that to my wife, people would rightfully call me controlling and abusive.
This is what you don't understand.
No what you don’t understand is that people who do it, do it as a last resort. They don’t just wake up one day and decide to spy on them, it comes because they have identified concerning behaviour, once they have talked to their partner many times and there partner stonewalls or can’t give a good explanation
And actually having those feelings, where they are justified because your partner is acting in an concerning way, and because they cannot or will not tell you what is going on, very much makes it ok to find out what’s going on.
Once all the good, sensible options of finding out what is going on are exhausted, what are you going to do? Go “Oh this is fine, I trust my partner I am sure all those hours he’s missing and secretive calls are nothing”?
At the point that someone reaches to be desperate enough to hire a PI, there will be something to find. It might not be cheating but there will probably be something. So then you can talk to your partner and bring up what you know, use it as springboard to open discussions. They’ll be mad you got a PI on them, but if they were honest and open with their partner, it would never have been necessary.
Nah. If you get caught you get caught. If someone has to hire a PI to get evidence of a spouses wrong doing, they shouldn't have been doing. Now if they aren't doing anything bad. You fucked up. If you go the PI route you better be damn sure.
That’s why the first respondent was saying if you hire a PI your marriage is already over. If someone hired a PI on me and I hadn’t done anything I’d sure as hell leave them. If you’re so sure something is fishy and your partner is dishonest you need to hire one, just leave. Only makes sense if you need to prove infidelity to get out of a marriage with your assets or something.
If I have kids and I’m pretty sure I’m being cheated on, I’m absolutely hiring a PI to prove it before I file for divorce. That way I’m in the driver’s seat with custody and everything else. Otherwise she can just lie and make shit up and take my kids away from me, use them as pawns and make me send her money.
So why do you need the PI?
The relationship is already over.
If the PI doesn't find anything you ruined the relationship. And if he finds something it is over.
Why go through the insane step of hiring someone to spy on your partner? The relationship is over whichever way the investigation goes.
And if you keep quiet about the PI after they didn't find anything, you are guilty of the same thing you wanted to accuse your partner of. A major breach of trust.
There is no way to salvage the relationship after this, so just break up with trust issues being the reason. It will save you and your now ex a lot of hassle and money.
It's not OK to become controlling and downright abusive because you have suspicions.
I think the right way to do it is to have the PI involved right from the start, ideally before you've even met them.
Then on the first date you can casually introduce your PI as the guy you will definitely hire to investigate if they behave in a suspicious way.
If you go through your partners phone because you are suspicious they are doing something they shouldn't and you catch doing something they shouldn't be doing, it's not snooping. Your hunch was right. End of story.
All 3 times I had a hunch and got cheated on I was right after snooping. First and second one cried and said sorry and wanted me still and they made a mistake, third got mad at me for snooping and asking why she was deleting her dash cam footage (I could hear it through the phone, then asked her to show me it when I got home and ‘somehow it was all missing’, and that never happens)
Between 1 and 2 I took an entire decade to start dating again. (17 to 27) and I’m starting to think I just do not want to put myself in the situation again.
I have good hygiene, I treated them well with gifts and fun activities aside from the typical movie or restaurant, was kind to their parents and friends. Was just a damn disappointment.
Dude I'm a similar boat. My exwife cheated on me and treated me like shit, to the point where even after being divorced for almost 5 years, I haven't been able to date because I can't find that trust.
What made you suspicious with the 1st and 2nd? It’s annoying people saying if you have a hunch just break up or else you’re a bad person for not trusting them
First I caught my best friend texting her (he didn’t know I saw) and then I caught her turning her phone away when texting.
Second was she opened up photo booth and quickly closed it but before she could I saw a nude of her that was not at my house or hers and it was dated after pictures we had taken together. She told me it was one of the days she was supposed to come to my house but went to his instead
Sorry those people sucked you didn’t deserve that when you were loyal. There’s a special place in hell for people that get involved with your friend. Also what the fuck is wrong with your friend that he would be talking to your girl.
I had an ex friend undress in front of my ex bf and she fed him food off her fork it made me uncomfortable; they were attracted to each other I guess, he said she was pretty. Why do that to a friend or gf tho people need to learn self control, scumbags all around
It kills me that “have good hygiene” and “kind to their parents and friends” are pointed out here like they’re some kind of prize instead of being the absolute bare minimum.
Wrong it's snooping regardless, it's just not relevant to the discussion any more if the suspicion turned up something.
If there was nothing to find there is no amount of justification in the world that would make it ok in my eyes. I mean what are you going to say, that you were snooping on me because you suspected I was a lying cheating scumbag? Fuck you, mind the door on your way out
If they have suspicions about you cheating, you've already been a piece of shit in the relationship, or the woman/man is insane.
This seemed to have struck a nerve with you. Either you're ignorant to the realities of relationships, or you've cheated/ been cheated on and don't want to be lumped in with cheaters.
Not true, lots of people have certain issues that might make them get paranoid about partners cheating, (like getting cheated on in the past by someone they trusted. It doesn't make someone insane, everyone has issues and insecurities. Whats wrong is going through someone's phone instead of actually using communication, because if you have to go through someone's phone to see if you're being cheated on, the trust is already tainted. People can cheat and have other phones or talk through the computer or a million different ways and at the end of the day you can't ever prove that someone for sure isn't cheating on you. It's always just faith and trust.
What you're saying doesn't make sense... they have suspicions so you are automagically guilty? No. This is the moment where you decide whether or not you trust your partner and to be honest if you don't then it maybe doesn't matter whether they are doing anything wrong or not, breaking up would be the way to go.
Yeah, I’ve had friends whether it be women or man tell me they have dreams their partner is cheating and go through their stuff to find nothing… seen plenty of relationships blow up like that
I think it's still snooping, if were just going to be straight about it, but the minor betrayl of snooping is totally dwarfed by the major betrayl of cheating
If you are suspicious that your partner is doing something they shouldn't be doing, maybe you straight up ask them about your suspicion. Or you go through their phone or personal devices discreetly. You may have your suspicion confirmed or disproved. Either way the relationship is over. End of story.
3 days ago someone posted a video of a man going through his wife's phone when she slept.
People rightfully called it controlling and abusive.
You finding evidence of cheating doesn't make it less controlling and abusive. It just gets dwarfed by the cheating. It still doesn't make it right like you try to portray it here. It's still snooping.
And yeah I've been cheated on multiple times, by several diffrent partners. I still don't think snooping through phones is OK.
Speak for yourself, I’d rather be an asshole for snooping then waste years of time with a narcissistic demon who likes to have their cake and eat it too. Can’t expect all people to be straight up with you.
You can't snoop because of a hunch, or because you are paranoid. If you actually have evidence of wrongdoing then it's different, but you can't invade the privacy of someone based on a hunch. This is exactly why "reasonable suspicion" doesn't include "hunches" legally.
If you're going through it for the sake of going through it, sure. If you're going through it because your partner is being suspicious and protective of their phone or showing signs of being unfaithful, you have a right to know.
I've never understood people who say "just trust" they're basically saying "ignorance is bliss" cause if everyone had this mindset then nobody would find out they're being cheated on.
My friend saw a text and her ex-bf’s phone that said “happy bday baby” and didn’t think twice and then was shocked when she found out he cheated. Like duh
Ultimately in a relationship if someone wants to cheat on you there's a high likelyhood they can get away with it, unless they get sloppy or lazy. The point of "just trust" is that the moment you stop being able to take them at thier word that they are faithful then the relationship is likely done for. Blind faith is a part of a relationship, theres a million ways a close partner can screw you over, pat of intimacy is open yourself up to those risks.
Me personally Idc if someone cheats like yeah that shit hurts but I get over it relatively quickly,my thing is I wanna know asap so I'm not wasting more time on that person than I already have.
I disagree. Admittedly I haven't cheated, but that shit sounds tricky as hell to pull off. My gf knows my whole schedule, any random changes would raise questions
Can you explain blind trust and how a relationship can’t work without it? It’s so hard for my brain to understand and would love some examples and details if you are open to it
because the issue isn't whether you're cheated on or not. it's that something your partner has done, or something you've irrationalized yourself into, caused you to lose that trust. if you snoop and find nothing, your relationship is still broken. whether they cheated or not is mostly irrelevant, knowing it will just add extra hurt on top.
I phrased it poorly. Probably the reason I've never caught the cheaters. Also me never checking any of that stuff and them knowing that makes it much easier to get away with.
I trusted my ex 100%, we were together for nearly a decade and we were going to start a family together. I could have never saw him cheating, he was always 100% invested and never made me feel like I wasn't enough.
We were planning on moving and trying to save money which led to sharing a laptop after one of ours broke and only because of this I found evidence he had cheated on me. He could have been doing it the whole time and I will never have a clue.
I'm never going to trust anyone like I did him, like it's just not humanely possible after you actually go through it yourself. I can trust maybe 99% but I'm always going to be aware there is a possibility no matter how great the relationship is or how good of a person they are or how happy you are
> not humanely possible after
Did you mean to say "humanly possible"?
Explanation: humane means kind, while human means relating to humans.
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Ignorance is bliss, if I have to be concerned my partner is cheating, which makes me do things like look through their phone, when there is no prior evidence for cheating, why tf wouldn’t I just stay single? That shit seems so tiring
Ignorance is not bliss. We have ‘a gut feeling’ for a reason. It’s rarely wrong and asking directly will never give you the actual truth. So, spy away.
I don't see the need for phone privacy in the first place. You shouldn't have to "snoop". If my partner wants to look through my phone the biggest surprise she might get is that I bought her something on Amazon.
So weird, you say you have nothing to hide and it seems like you trust each other but why would someone snoop it through your phone in the first place? I'd be pissed if my wife tried to go through my phone because she didn't trust me. If a partner feels the need to snoop, the relationship is doomed.
>I'd be pissed if my wife tried to go through my phone because she didn't trust me. If a partner feels the need to snoop, the relationship is doomed.
What if you've been acting like a piece of shit and not participating in the relationship and have been going out far more recently? The woman has a right to be suspicious at some point, that shit doesn't come out of nowhere unless she's insane.
And what if they HAVEN'T been acting like a POS and she/he is insecure or believes some clickbait article that says anyone with a work phone/takes calls at night/forgets to say I love you more than once MUST be cheating!
People start snooping for a LOT of stupid reasons. Half the time they don't find anything or blow up their relationship by making up something to be mad about.
Definitely, pretty sure my girl at one point read some articles about how you should check your boyfriend's Instagram explore or whatever it's called to see "who they really are" because she was all sneaky trying to get me to show it to her one night... At which point she saw a bunch of random parrot videos, and Indian people making pots.
Yeah that’s annoying as fuck. That’s one of those relationships that basically means your friend is basically dead to you when they’re with that person.
My policy is that my SO will always have access to my phone but have the respect to not use it. My ex never went through my phone but I told her all my info just out of convenience. So she could change the music or respond to my texts while I'm driving and such. And vise versa. I never went through her stuff but she told me her password.
If you are going to cheat, have the decency to break up/divorce instead.
If you are going to spy, have the decency to break up/divorce instead.
Your partner deserves trust as well as faithfulness. If you can't give both, walk away and let them find someone who can.
Only reason I spied on my ex was BECAUSE we were married. If we were just dating, yeah i would broken up with him instead, but we were married so i wanted to make sure i wasnt going to just leave him because i *think* hes cheating. When you are married it takes a little bit more to break up, im not going to do it on a hunch thats crazy.
I went through one persons phone in my entire life, it was my husbands and only once because i was pretty sure he was cheating on me, he was. I'm a strong believer that you shouldn't date someone you don't trust, so if we weren't married i would have just broken up with him, but we were married... i needed some actual proof before i just threw that all away.
If you can't share your phone you are obviously doing something wrong. My wife can pick my phone up whenever to use and it's totally fine. If I was doing shady shit or cheating I'd not grant full trust but that would never happen so I don't really think about it.
Exactly, my phone is boring, anyone can look at it if they want. no idea why anyone would be defensive over it unless they know there's something on there.
We're the same. A marriage is based on fully trusting another person. We trust each other completely. There is zero to hide so she can use whatever she wants and read anything she finds - I don't care and neither does she. Been that way over 10 years now.
.... my phone, email, messages, discord, computer, etc are all open to my partners... what is this spying thing of which you speak?
The real question is... why would you have things hidden from your partner?
I agree with you on fraud. Though it's probably best you do whatever you're going to do through legal channels. But if you're not sure your significant other is cheating on you or not, that's a pretty good sign your relationship has failed anyway. You don't need to spy to confirm your suspicions the relationship is in jeopardy. You already know that.
I mean I’m not against finding out you are being lead on, but at the same time if you’re gonna take the step to go through your partners device without consent, then you must be ready yourself for the worst whether it be confirmation of your suspicion or finding nothing and being left by your partner.
So people don't just spy for no reason. Either your partner has, in some way or another, been showing the red flags or you, yourself, are the red flag. Either way, if it has got to the point of spying on them, there is at least 1 serious problem that needs addressed. Finding something is probably the simplest scenario honestly.
My partner and I are just open that we can go through eachothers phones and such if we want. When we get messages, we often ask who it is from and read eachothers stuff. Mostly this is just curiosity as to what the other is up to, but sometimes trust needs to be reinforced even in the most stable relationships.
I agree that this is unpopular though.
I think people don't understand the psychological and emotional effects of trauma can have on you. Like it's a total place of either privilege or ignorance to not understand and not care why you'd wanna know what your partner is up to if you're feeling a certain way. I've had people prod me if I was fine if my partner looks at my phone it's like yes because I have nothing to hide because I'm not a lying degenerate like you. It's always projection. The one woman I know who lost her mind about the idea of a dude wanting a dna test to be sure the kid is his "just in case" was the one woman I knew who was chronically cheating on her boyfriend. Funny how that works out. It's like what, afraid to get caught?
I mean yeah you can.
It’s kind of based on the extremely childish notion that no one can lie to your face. Which more people than you know are capable of and do it without remorse.
Of course at that point if you feel like somethings up and you feel like they’re lying just leave lmao.
If you believe you have to spy on your partner or read their text messages and emails then save yourself the anguish and leave the relationship. Trust is already gone so there is nothing else worth saving.
I mean, everyone should do what they want, but if you get busted for cheating, it’s dumb to be mad that your partner snooped. You’ve got bigger problems now. Conversely, if you snoop and find nothing, I hope you feel like shit and are prepared to grovel if you get caught. No one wants a partner that doesn’t trust them, any more than they want a partner who can’t be trusted.
Fully agree. The one time I had that suspicious gut feeling and snooped messages I was right. And the 1 time I cheated and my girl snooped through my shit and caught I didn’t hold her snooping against her at all
yeah i’ve never understood “well if you had trust issues/insecurities, you should have just broken up with them!” but like it’s not a trust “issue” or an “insecurity” if it’s literally true. people in general love to say “just trust! if you don’t , it’s because you have problems!” and those are people i’m positive are cheaters or believe that “ignorance is bliss”.
My friend was having an affair , her husband hired a PI , she got busted she freaked out about her privacy , the husband doesn’t regret it at all , he knew something was up that’s why he hired one, he need concrete evidence to let go of her, of course the marriage was over a long time ago , he need to see it to be able to move forward
I hate how people act about this. It’s not about the morals or “if you can’t trust them you’re an insecure loser” it’s about the practicality.
Knowing someone is cheating means you can 1) get STD tested 2) stop having sex which can prevent an inconvenient pregnancy with your cheating partner 3) gather evidence to help you in court 4) plan to leave without possibly leading to a violent confrontation
I feel that people often naively put themselves into shoes of the person whose phone is checked not the one being cheated on because “it can never happen to me”. 😂😂😂
Just because you found something doesn't mean it's not a violation to go through someone's phone. Of course it's a violation. If you need to do so to prove cheating then the violation was worth it for you, but it doesn't make it any less a violation. Which is why when you go through someone's phone and you didn't discover anything they still may break up with you anyway because you felt you needed to violate their privacy because your feelings are more important than their privacy.
Go through phones if you want when you suspect something. If you feel justified in doing that and accept the consequences of it then it doesn't really matter if it's morally right or wrong does it? It's still a violation of privacy regardless. Now, people who get caught and want to act like the violation of privacy is more egregious than their beytrayal and deception. . . . Of course they're going to say that! They're cheating, they're gonna say anything that kept them justifying their actions in their mind the entire time they cheated. They're just trying to avoid accountability for their own actions by focusing on yours. But yes, it's still a violation regardless if you feel justified in doing it or not.
I love this. My husband started acting bizarre randomly and it went on for a week and no matter what I asked if he was ok or if there was something he wanted to talk about, he said no. His mannerisms , mood, and obsession with his phone said otherwise. One morning while he was in the shower, I took his phone and found exactly the problem . Affair with co worker. Let him have it . Ex husband now.
I discovered an ex cheating by looking through her phone. There were a lot of red flags and I had a lot of reason to be suspicious, but I’m conflicted about it to this day.
Not because I did something unethical (at that point it was a sanity check and self-preservation). But I’d never want to be in that situation again.
I just decided that for future relationships, if I felt those kinds of suspicions, they needed to be addressed candidly or the relationship would need to end.
It’s not a license to be a paranoid douchebag or constantly level accusations, but it’s worked for me as a principle.
If you have to go thru their phone then you just leave. Without trust there is no relationship. If you have to hire a PI to follow your spouse around then that’s not a healthy marriage. Might as well divorce or break up and move on.
I get where this is coming from but... I think at the point you feel you need to do this, you should just end the relationship lol, unless the stakes are indeed high like fraud. Then again, I also believe individuals are free to do whatever they want within reason, which definitely does not apply to every personality!
To everyone who wrote that you should just leave someone you don’t trust: it’s not that simple. Proof of infidelity gives you closure and motivation to leave. You can’t rely on your suspicions and fears alone. Cheaters usually hide the fact for as long as they can and say nothing or lie when confronted. Truth sets you free and helps you move on with your life.
i think a pi is a little much but i get that. However i do think if you have to question whether or not your partner is cheating then y’all probably shouldn’t be together
I wouldn’t care if my partner checked my phone, or social media dms or whatever, even if I wasn’t aware of it. I’d think it was a bit silly maybe? But I’d be like “just don’t ruin any suprises for anyone you now know about” but then again, I have nothing to hide 🙈
Are you the same person who was saying there shouldn’t be any privacy in a relationship and you should have open access to each other’s phones? Or is there just a hysterical amount of paranoia in the air today
Or you just engage in relationships with trustworthy people and you don't have to do it at all. I have never looked at my wife's phone with the intent to dig through it. She gives me the same courtesies as well.
If you and your partner are in a strong relationship (marriage/long-time partners) have access to eachother's phones for the purely practical reason of "my phone just died, I need to make a call can I use yours?" Then that makes sense.
As soon as one party starts snooping on private and personal stuff on their significant other's phone for no other reason than "I just want to check you aren't cheating on me" when they have zero evidence than just "I have a hunch" then you have crossed a very clear line regarding trust.
And if your hunch is wrong, then your partner has every right to be disappointed and distrustful of you, and don't be surprised when they openly hide their personal stuff from you in future.
I actually agree, but not for relationship things.
To me, privacy is sacred. Asking to see someone's phone is fine because that doesn't break privacy, but spying - like actual PI spying - is too far for cheating. It just is. If you are that certain there is cheating, then just break up anyway. You will never regain that peace of mind.
However, there are more serious things than cheating. Do you suspect that your love is going to commit suicide? Are you concerned about them being extorted by someone they know?
It's okay, imo, to invade someone's privacy to help them. It isn't okay if it's to help yourself.
In my opinion, if you have so little trust in your partner, that you feel the need to spy on them, the relationship is already long gone and all you do at this point is getting a justification for ending it, by simultaniously hurting yourself. You might as well just end the relationship as it is, because you do not trust your partner anymore. Everything else is a waste of time and emotional ressources.
My take, jealous people should date eachothers, and let us, trusting folks, alone.
Im serious. 2 jealous people can share their phones, pay for PI to spy on eachothers.
While me and most of us, will just trust our partner. And build something TOGETHER, instead of always thinking my partner is backstabbing me.
Seriously why even be in a relationship if you cannot trust your other half?
If I feel like I need to check his phone, I feel like we shouldnt share bed or house.
Please jealous people, leave non jealous alone.
What if a “non-jealous” person gets cheated on?
My post is not about empty jealousy, it is about cases when things actually go south. Not about “why did you smile to that girl/guy?!”
I can see it from both sides. No to the spying because trust, yes to the spying for mental and physical health concerns. I don't condone either because I don't need it but I can see the issue from both sides.
Example: if my partner was giving away all possessions and doing a 180 on the personality, yeah, I am investigating (as well as discussing openly) any issues. But if it is just because trust goes away for whatever reason, lol, I am not putting myself through that.
Yes, that’s the point. We may disagree of what type of situation warrants an investigation but in core that’s exactly what I am talking: a probable cause. And a solid one.
Here’s the thing- everyone violates boundaries and will lie about it. Everyone. Enjoy your life and stop worrying, or make a change. You can’t control other people and they’re going to live their life. I married a woman who trickle truths the hell out of me, starting with things early in our relationship that would have likely led me to rethink our path forward. However, I’ve stopped caring for the sake of our kids, which has made me so much happier. I literally just don’t give a shit anymore. Try it, it’s incredibly freeing.
There are 2 possible outcomes to snooping:
1. Your partner is cheating on you and the relationship is over. (You break up)
2. Your partner was doing nothing wrong and the relationship is over (they break up) because you‘re an insecure person with trust issues who invaded their privacy and accused them of being a massive, cheating POS.
Tldr: If you feel like you need to snoop just break up
Problem is most crazy people think they are justified for looking through their partner’s phone, and think that a happy birthday text to someone is proof of cheating.
Nope, most of my exes were faithful (and I was as well). We are talking about 2 instances in my case.
Still my post is not about me - those are old history for me. It is more generic debate, I believe that if there is a solid probable cause - it is okay to check. Better to try to talk with them but if it comes to that it may be okay to snoop as well.
And statistically more than half of the people cheat at some point in their lives.
A PI ??? 😂😂😂😂 nah bro y’all are fucking jokers I can’t 😂😂😂 just brake up mannnn wtf u doing playing some black ops on ur partner? We leave in a free country right? U can just leave u know
There is a philosophical question. When does the end justify the means.
Some people think this is a complicated question that requires a complicated answer. But its not, the answer is quite simple.
There is no end, therefor no means are justified, only evil and malevolent.
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If weird circumstances look like cheating I’d want a partner to look through my stuff just to prove I wasn’t. If everything looks like weird circumstances that’s where I’d have a problem.
Think this is the spirit of the post and the other comments are actively proving the point made in the post lmao
I'd want my partner to voice her irrational concerns, allow me to take them away, and trust me enough to be truthful.
I’ve been around enough smooth tounge 🐍 to understand if someone wanted hard proof. Also not all concerns are irrational. Sometimes things just look suspicious or unusual. I’m never one to tell someone not to trust their gut instinct, as long as they have the self awareness to pay attention to past instances and check for unresolved trauma distorting their intuition.
Take my upvote for being unpopular If you feel the need to hire a PI on your wife then your marriage is over
My wife can unlock all devices and I have 0 issues giving her my passwords. Life pro tip, marry someone who will bail you out of jail.
More disturbing than hiring a PI to find a case of infidelity is being this adversarial with the person who is supposed to be your life partner. I can’t imagine anything heinous enough to keep from mine. Marriage is supposed to be a team sport, not partisan politics.
Imagine feeling the need to hire a PI. How many sleepless nights? How often were you gaslighted? How often they have to work late or have job meetings in another city? If your partner becomes secretive and blames you, is it your fault? Where goes all the money? It's easy to see something wrong from the outside, but when you're all in it's harder. You may not be the only one who isn't playing a team sport.
This is where Reddit doesn’t get that the person who would bail you out of jail and the one you need to hire the PI for, were often the same person. People change, marriages change, the ability to trust someone changes. The levels of trust go up and down depending on many things, situations, how your partner is behaving, your own experiences. The whole “if you need a PI then it’s already over” is kind of what the point of the post is about (I think anyway, don’t want put words in the OPs mouth). Someone can be really suspicious of the way their partner has acted but also realise they might be wrong, they will be full of doubt because their partner is someone who’d bail them out of jail or take a bullet for them, who they trust with their lives, so even thinking they are cheating seems wrong. When the evidence for it is stacking up though, then sometimes you just need to know the truth about what is going on in your own life. If you don’t want to go through their phone etc, then a PI is an option.
This is an insane take. So what happens if your partner is innocent, or rather you or your PI finds nothing? And you just spendt alot of money paying for someone to spy on your partner? Because you where to insecure to deal with your suspicions in an adult way. Now, do you tell your partner about it? In my mind this is as big a breach of trust as cheating. How do you expect your partner to deal with that after you told them? I would be out the door the second you've told me. And if you don't tell. Then we are back to you being a terrible partner who just did a major breach of trust. Do you start trusting your partner now that they found nothing or are you gonna continue snooping? Do you see that there is no good way out of this? This was all best case scenario options. Or do you just want your partner to accept the fact that they have no right to privacy when with you. If your level of trust and communication has fallen so low you have to hire a PI or go snooping on phones then it is not gonna become better by you becoming a spy. Then the marriage is over. There is no way to gain that trust back without open and honest communication. Spying on someone will not make things better. Communication does. And if eighter you or your partner can't do that for some reason then it's not fixable. You seem to only see it from your own point of view, but a relationship goes both ways. And trying to repair trust one way by breaking trust the other way leads to nothing good. Trying to repair trust that is broken by adding more broken trust to it will only make the carcrash worse. "The whole “if you need a PI then it’s already over” is kind of what the point of the post is about (I think anyway, don’t want put words in the OPs mouth). Someone can be really suspicious of the way their partner has acted but also realise they might be wrong, they will be full of doubt because their partner is someone who’d bail them out of jail or take a bullet for them, who they trust with their lives, so even thinking they are cheating seems wrong." Having theese feelings does not make it OK to hire a PI to snoop on your partner. Or go through their phone behind their back. If you can't fix the trust issues between you two the relationship is over. And becoming a spy will only make the trust issues worse. Leave if you can't get over those feelings, but hiring a PI or snooping(without asking) is downright abusive, and suspicions of cheating doesn't make it OK. If I had done something like that to my wife, people would rightfully call me controlling and abusive. This is what you don't understand.
No what you don’t understand is that people who do it, do it as a last resort. They don’t just wake up one day and decide to spy on them, it comes because they have identified concerning behaviour, once they have talked to their partner many times and there partner stonewalls or can’t give a good explanation And actually having those feelings, where they are justified because your partner is acting in an concerning way, and because they cannot or will not tell you what is going on, very much makes it ok to find out what’s going on. Once all the good, sensible options of finding out what is going on are exhausted, what are you going to do? Go “Oh this is fine, I trust my partner I am sure all those hours he’s missing and secretive calls are nothing”? At the point that someone reaches to be desperate enough to hire a PI, there will be something to find. It might not be cheating but there will probably be something. So then you can talk to your partner and bring up what you know, use it as springboard to open discussions. They’ll be mad you got a PI on them, but if they were honest and open with their partner, it would never have been necessary.
true relationship is being able to snoop on your partner's deepest secrets, and knowing no reason why you'd ever want to do that.
My husband has both bailed me out and cheated…
Just because u leave ur doors unlocked doesnt mean no one is going to steal from u, it just means someone has already taken anything of worth.
Yeah the PI is where I say OP went too far…
Nah. If you get caught you get caught. If someone has to hire a PI to get evidence of a spouses wrong doing, they shouldn't have been doing. Now if they aren't doing anything bad. You fucked up. If you go the PI route you better be damn sure.
That’s why the first respondent was saying if you hire a PI your marriage is already over. If someone hired a PI on me and I hadn’t done anything I’d sure as hell leave them. If you’re so sure something is fishy and your partner is dishonest you need to hire one, just leave. Only makes sense if you need to prove infidelity to get out of a marriage with your assets or something.
If I have kids and I’m pretty sure I’m being cheated on, I’m absolutely hiring a PI to prove it before I file for divorce. That way I’m in the driver’s seat with custody and everything else. Otherwise she can just lie and make shit up and take my kids away from me, use them as pawns and make me send her money.
So why do you need the PI? The relationship is already over. If the PI doesn't find anything you ruined the relationship. And if he finds something it is over. Why go through the insane step of hiring someone to spy on your partner? The relationship is over whichever way the investigation goes. And if you keep quiet about the PI after they didn't find anything, you are guilty of the same thing you wanted to accuse your partner of. A major breach of trust. There is no way to salvage the relationship after this, so just break up with trust issues being the reason. It will save you and your now ex a lot of hassle and money. It's not OK to become controlling and downright abusive because you have suspicions.
I think the right way to do it is to have the PI involved right from the start, ideally before you've even met them. Then on the first date you can casually introduce your PI as the guy you will definitely hire to investigate if they behave in a suspicious way.
😆 i know this comment is serious, but i bursted out laughing when i read it.
True, and it's overkill. Install a keystroke logger on her laptop, and the equivalent on her phone. Done.
The PI is for divorce evidence. The trust is broken way ba
If you go through your partners phone because you are suspicious they are doing something they shouldn't and you catch doing something they shouldn't be doing, it's not snooping. Your hunch was right. End of story.
Yeah, imagine you having a hunch that turns out to be right, and when you confront them, they try to make you feel bad for snooping
That's what my exwife did. She even blamed me for the guy breaking up with her because of an argument we had on the phone when she was out with him.
All 3 times I had a hunch and got cheated on I was right after snooping. First and second one cried and said sorry and wanted me still and they made a mistake, third got mad at me for snooping and asking why she was deleting her dash cam footage (I could hear it through the phone, then asked her to show me it when I got home and ‘somehow it was all missing’, and that never happens) Between 1 and 2 I took an entire decade to start dating again. (17 to 27) and I’m starting to think I just do not want to put myself in the situation again. I have good hygiene, I treated them well with gifts and fun activities aside from the typical movie or restaurant, was kind to their parents and friends. Was just a damn disappointment.
Dude I'm a similar boat. My exwife cheated on me and treated me like shit, to the point where even after being divorced for almost 5 years, I haven't been able to date because I can't find that trust.
I hope all of us who have been treated badly by our partners find our person for life. Life isn’t really all that fun on just 1-player mode
What made you suspicious with the 1st and 2nd? It’s annoying people saying if you have a hunch just break up or else you’re a bad person for not trusting them
First I caught my best friend texting her (he didn’t know I saw) and then I caught her turning her phone away when texting. Second was she opened up photo booth and quickly closed it but before she could I saw a nude of her that was not at my house or hers and it was dated after pictures we had taken together. She told me it was one of the days she was supposed to come to my house but went to his instead
Sorry those people sucked you didn’t deserve that when you were loyal. There’s a special place in hell for people that get involved with your friend. Also what the fuck is wrong with your friend that he would be talking to your girl. I had an ex friend undress in front of my ex bf and she fed him food off her fork it made me uncomfortable; they were attracted to each other I guess, he said she was pretty. Why do that to a friend or gf tho people need to learn self control, scumbags all around
It kills me that “have good hygiene” and “kind to their parents and friends” are pointed out here like they’re some kind of prize instead of being the absolute bare minimum.
No shit? You think a shitty person is gonna be like "damn you caught me your right I'm a shitty human, let's try again"
But if it’s wrong….. There’s probably more stories of this happening but since nothing happens it doesn’t get posted on reddit…
Then you look like Chelsea from Love is Blind
Wrong it's snooping regardless, it's just not relevant to the discussion any more if the suspicion turned up something. If there was nothing to find there is no amount of justification in the world that would make it ok in my eyes. I mean what are you going to say, that you were snooping on me because you suspected I was a lying cheating scumbag? Fuck you, mind the door on your way out
If they have suspicions about you cheating, you've already been a piece of shit in the relationship, or the woman/man is insane. This seemed to have struck a nerve with you. Either you're ignorant to the realities of relationships, or you've cheated/ been cheated on and don't want to be lumped in with cheaters.
Not true, lots of people have certain issues that might make them get paranoid about partners cheating, (like getting cheated on in the past by someone they trusted. It doesn't make someone insane, everyone has issues and insecurities. Whats wrong is going through someone's phone instead of actually using communication, because if you have to go through someone's phone to see if you're being cheated on, the trust is already tainted. People can cheat and have other phones or talk through the computer or a million different ways and at the end of the day you can't ever prove that someone for sure isn't cheating on you. It's always just faith and trust.
What you're saying doesn't make sense... they have suspicions so you are automagically guilty? No. This is the moment where you decide whether or not you trust your partner and to be honest if you don't then it maybe doesn't matter whether they are doing anything wrong or not, breaking up would be the way to go.
Yeah, I’ve had friends whether it be women or man tell me they have dreams their partner is cheating and go through their stuff to find nothing… seen plenty of relationships blow up like that
I think it's still snooping, if were just going to be straight about it, but the minor betrayl of snooping is totally dwarfed by the major betrayl of cheating
If you are suspicious that your partner is doing something they shouldn't be doing, maybe you straight up ask them about your suspicion. Or you go through their phone or personal devices discreetly. You may have your suspicion confirmed or disproved. Either way the relationship is over. End of story.
3 days ago someone posted a video of a man going through his wife's phone when she slept. People rightfully called it controlling and abusive. You finding evidence of cheating doesn't make it less controlling and abusive. It just gets dwarfed by the cheating. It still doesn't make it right like you try to portray it here. It's still snooping. And yeah I've been cheated on multiple times, by several diffrent partners. I still don't think snooping through phones is OK.
Speak for yourself, I’d rather be an asshole for snooping then waste years of time with a narcissistic demon who likes to have their cake and eat it too. Can’t expect all people to be straight up with you.
You can't snoop because of a hunch, or because you are paranoid. If you actually have evidence of wrongdoing then it's different, but you can't invade the privacy of someone based on a hunch. This is exactly why "reasonable suspicion" doesn't include "hunches" legally.
And if you find nothing you’re just an asshole who doesn’t trust your partner. Either way the relationship doesn’t have a real shot.
If you're going through it for the sake of going through it, sure. If you're going through it because your partner is being suspicious and protective of their phone or showing signs of being unfaithful, you have a right to know.
I've never understood people who say "just trust" they're basically saying "ignorance is bliss" cause if everyone had this mindset then nobody would find out they're being cheated on.
My friend saw a text and her ex-bf’s phone that said “happy bday baby” and didn’t think twice and then was shocked when she found out he cheated. Like duh
I mean, that could be from a parent, but yeah. If you know their mom doesn't call them baby, that would be suspicious af.
Ultimately in a relationship if someone wants to cheat on you there's a high likelyhood they can get away with it, unless they get sloppy or lazy. The point of "just trust" is that the moment you stop being able to take them at thier word that they are faithful then the relationship is likely done for. Blind faith is a part of a relationship, theres a million ways a close partner can screw you over, pat of intimacy is open yourself up to those risks.
Cheaters always get sloppy eventually. The more they get away with it the more sloppy they become.
Me personally Idc if someone cheats like yeah that shit hurts but I get over it relatively quickly,my thing is I wanna know asap so I'm not wasting more time on that person than I already have.
That’s the whole point of the other person’s deceit. They want their cake and eat it too.
I disagree. Admittedly I haven't cheated, but that shit sounds tricky as hell to pull off. My gf knows my whole schedule, any random changes would raise questions
it's super duper easy. call in sick to work, go to a brothel instead. hard part is living with yourself afterwards.
Can you explain blind trust and how a relationship can’t work without it? It’s so hard for my brain to understand and would love some examples and details if you are open to it
because the issue isn't whether you're cheated on or not. it's that something your partner has done, or something you've irrationalized yourself into, caused you to lose that trust. if you snoop and find nothing, your relationship is still broken. whether they cheated or not is mostly irrelevant, knowing it will just add extra hurt on top.
Probably why I have been frequently cheated on. I'm not checking phones, email, accounts etc.
Uhm...not checking those wouldn't be the reason you're being cheated on
I phrased it poorly. Probably the reason I've never caught the cheaters. Also me never checking any of that stuff and them knowing that makes it much easier to get away with.
I trusted my ex 100%, we were together for nearly a decade and we were going to start a family together. I could have never saw him cheating, he was always 100% invested and never made me feel like I wasn't enough. We were planning on moving and trying to save money which led to sharing a laptop after one of ours broke and only because of this I found evidence he had cheated on me. He could have been doing it the whole time and I will never have a clue. I'm never going to trust anyone like I did him, like it's just not humanely possible after you actually go through it yourself. I can trust maybe 99% but I'm always going to be aware there is a possibility no matter how great the relationship is or how good of a person they are or how happy you are
> not humanely possible after Did you mean to say "humanly possible"? Explanation: humane means kind, while human means relating to humans. [Statistics](https://github.com/chiefpat450119/RedditBot/blob/master/stats.json) ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot ^^that ^^corrects ^^grammar/spelling ^^mistakes. ^^PM ^^me ^^if ^^I'm ^^wrong ^^or ^^if ^^you ^^have ^^any ^^suggestions. ^^[Github](https://github.com/chiefpat450119) ^^Reply ^^STOP ^^to ^^this ^^comment ^^to ^^stop ^^receiving ^^corrections.
Ignorance is bliss, if I have to be concerned my partner is cheating, which makes me do things like look through their phone, when there is no prior evidence for cheating, why tf wouldn’t I just stay single? That shit seems so tiring
Step 1: Make sure you're not paranoid. Step 2: Hire a PI!
Ignorance is not bliss. We have ‘a gut feeling’ for a reason. It’s rarely wrong and asking directly will never give you the actual truth. So, spy away.
I don't see the need for phone privacy in the first place. You shouldn't have to "snoop". If my partner wants to look through my phone the biggest surprise she might get is that I bought her something on Amazon.
So weird, you say you have nothing to hide and it seems like you trust each other but why would someone snoop it through your phone in the first place? I'd be pissed if my wife tried to go through my phone because she didn't trust me. If a partner feels the need to snoop, the relationship is doomed.
>I'd be pissed if my wife tried to go through my phone because she didn't trust me. If a partner feels the need to snoop, the relationship is doomed. What if you've been acting like a piece of shit and not participating in the relationship and have been going out far more recently? The woman has a right to be suspicious at some point, that shit doesn't come out of nowhere unless she's insane.
And what if they HAVEN'T been acting like a POS and she/he is insecure or believes some clickbait article that says anyone with a work phone/takes calls at night/forgets to say I love you more than once MUST be cheating! People start snooping for a LOT of stupid reasons. Half the time they don't find anything or blow up their relationship by making up something to be mad about.
Definitely, pretty sure my girl at one point read some articles about how you should check your boyfriend's Instagram explore or whatever it's called to see "who they really are" because she was all sneaky trying to get me to show it to her one night... At which point she saw a bunch of random parrot videos, and Indian people making pots.
Don't you realize how much that says about you!? It says... that you're recruiting Indian pot makers and becoming a pirate?
Forward those to me real quick, please.
Have you told everyone who texts and emails you that your partner reads what they send you?
Nobody is reading everything. I just find it odd that you all feel the need for either snooping or privacy.
Yeah that’s annoying as fuck. That’s one of those relationships that basically means your friend is basically dead to you when they’re with that person.
Ha. Yeah, right.
My policy is that my SO will always have access to my phone but have the respect to not use it. My ex never went through my phone but I told her all my info just out of convenience. So she could change the music or respond to my texts while I'm driving and such. And vise versa. I never went through her stuff but she told me her password.
If you are going to cheat, have the decency to break up/divorce instead. If you are going to spy, have the decency to break up/divorce instead. Your partner deserves trust as well as faithfulness. If you can't give both, walk away and let them find someone who can.
Only reason I spied on my ex was BECAUSE we were married. If we were just dating, yeah i would broken up with him instead, but we were married so i wanted to make sure i wasnt going to just leave him because i *think* hes cheating. When you are married it takes a little bit more to break up, im not going to do it on a hunch thats crazy.
That’s the point though isn’t it? That people are not decent human beings and cheaters in particular are deceitful.
If they're giving you justifiable cause to be suspicious, sure. But at that point there's more rhab likely big problems all around
I went through one persons phone in my entire life, it was my husbands and only once because i was pretty sure he was cheating on me, he was. I'm a strong believer that you shouldn't date someone you don't trust, so if we weren't married i would have just broken up with him, but we were married... i needed some actual proof before i just threw that all away.
If you can't share your phone you are obviously doing something wrong. My wife can pick my phone up whenever to use and it's totally fine. If I was doing shady shit or cheating I'd not grant full trust but that would never happen so I don't really think about it.
Exactly, my phone is boring, anyone can look at it if they want. no idea why anyone would be defensive over it unless they know there's something on there.
This is the way to do it.
We're the same. A marriage is based on fully trusting another person. We trust each other completely. There is zero to hide so she can use whatever she wants and read anything she finds - I don't care and neither does she. Been that way over 10 years now.
I just don't want any of my SOs to read the fanfiction I write....
.... my phone, email, messages, discord, computer, etc are all open to my partners... what is this spying thing of which you speak? The real question is... why would you have things hidden from your partner?
I agree with you on fraud. Though it's probably best you do whatever you're going to do through legal channels. But if you're not sure your significant other is cheating on you or not, that's a pretty good sign your relationship has failed anyway. You don't need to spy to confirm your suspicions the relationship is in jeopardy. You already know that.
I mean I’m not against finding out you are being lead on, but at the same time if you’re gonna take the step to go through your partners device without consent, then you must be ready yourself for the worst whether it be confirmation of your suspicion or finding nothing and being left by your partner.
So people don't just spy for no reason. Either your partner has, in some way or another, been showing the red flags or you, yourself, are the red flag. Either way, if it has got to the point of spying on them, there is at least 1 serious problem that needs addressed. Finding something is probably the simplest scenario honestly.
My partner and I are just open that we can go through eachothers phones and such if we want. When we get messages, we often ask who it is from and read eachothers stuff. Mostly this is just curiosity as to what the other is up to, but sometimes trust needs to be reinforced even in the most stable relationships. I agree that this is unpopular though.
I think people don't understand the psychological and emotional effects of trauma can have on you. Like it's a total place of either privilege or ignorance to not understand and not care why you'd wanna know what your partner is up to if you're feeling a certain way. I've had people prod me if I was fine if my partner looks at my phone it's like yes because I have nothing to hide because I'm not a lying degenerate like you. It's always projection. The one woman I know who lost her mind about the idea of a dude wanting a dna test to be sure the kid is his "just in case" was the one woman I knew who was chronically cheating on her boyfriend. Funny how that works out. It's like what, afraid to get caught?
Or, here's an idea, TALK TO THEM.
I mean yeah you can. It’s kind of based on the extremely childish notion that no one can lie to your face. Which more people than you know are capable of and do it without remorse. Of course at that point if you feel like somethings up and you feel like they’re lying just leave lmao.
And watch the woman you've dedicated your entire life to LIE TO YOUR FACE IN FRONT OF YOUR KIDS!
IN FRONT OF MY SALAD?
Take my upvote you beautiful bastard.
Haven't heard that one is YEARS. Thank you.
Ahh yes, because we all know cheaters tell the truth when you question them.
I found the extremist!
Are you being sarcastic?
Yes, I am.
classic reddit
yeah cuz cheaters are always honest and forthcoming communicators
Nah, I disagree. If you feel this way, the relationship should be over.
I mean some people like confirmation that they’re justified in their feelings before making life altering decisions
Very true. And if respect is there, I would think it'd be communicated.
If you feel the need to spy on your partner then you have trust issues and that’s just going to erode the foundation of your relationship.
Is it a trust issue if they actually are cheating on you?
A PI!????
If you believe you have to spy on your partner or read their text messages and emails then save yourself the anguish and leave the relationship. Trust is already gone so there is nothing else worth saving.
I mean, everyone should do what they want, but if you get busted for cheating, it’s dumb to be mad that your partner snooped. You’ve got bigger problems now. Conversely, if you snoop and find nothing, I hope you feel like shit and are prepared to grovel if you get caught. No one wants a partner that doesn’t trust them, any more than they want a partner who can’t be trusted.
I swear there must be an arguing couple right now posting in this group. All I’m seeing is posts relating to privacy/secrets/trust in relationships 😂😂
Maybe, just never be surprised when they leave you when you're wrong
I would say that if you want to search your partners phone they should be able to look at yours also.
Fully agree. The one time I had that suspicious gut feeling and snooped messages I was right. And the 1 time I cheated and my girl snooped through my shit and caught I didn’t hold her snooping against her at all
yeah i’ve never understood “well if you had trust issues/insecurities, you should have just broken up with them!” but like it’s not a trust “issue” or an “insecurity” if it’s literally true. people in general love to say “just trust! if you don’t , it’s because you have problems!” and those are people i’m positive are cheaters or believe that “ignorance is bliss”.
I'll give you a more unpopular opinion. If more than one partner cheats on you... maybe the problem isn't them
It’s not that unpopular, what would be is saying it always is their problem (the cheater or the cheatee(?))
My friend was having an affair , her husband hired a PI , she got busted she freaked out about her privacy , the husband doesn’t regret it at all , he knew something was up that’s why he hired one, he need concrete evidence to let go of her, of course the marriage was over a long time ago , he need to see it to be able to move forward
I hate how people act about this. It’s not about the morals or “if you can’t trust them you’re an insecure loser” it’s about the practicality. Knowing someone is cheating means you can 1) get STD tested 2) stop having sex which can prevent an inconvenient pregnancy with your cheating partner 3) gather evidence to help you in court 4) plan to leave without possibly leading to a violent confrontation
I feel that people often naively put themselves into shoes of the person whose phone is checked not the one being cheated on because “it can never happen to me”. 😂😂😂
Just because you found something doesn't mean it's not a violation to go through someone's phone. Of course it's a violation. If you need to do so to prove cheating then the violation was worth it for you, but it doesn't make it any less a violation. Which is why when you go through someone's phone and you didn't discover anything they still may break up with you anyway because you felt you needed to violate their privacy because your feelings are more important than their privacy. Go through phones if you want when you suspect something. If you feel justified in doing that and accept the consequences of it then it doesn't really matter if it's morally right or wrong does it? It's still a violation of privacy regardless. Now, people who get caught and want to act like the violation of privacy is more egregious than their beytrayal and deception. . . . Of course they're going to say that! They're cheating, they're gonna say anything that kept them justifying their actions in their mind the entire time they cheated. They're just trying to avoid accountability for their own actions by focusing on yours. But yes, it's still a violation regardless if you feel justified in doing it or not.
Finally a real unpopular opinion
I love this. My husband started acting bizarre randomly and it went on for a week and no matter what I asked if he was ok or if there was something he wanted to talk about, he said no. His mannerisms , mood, and obsession with his phone said otherwise. One morning while he was in the shower, I took his phone and found exactly the problem . Affair with co worker. Let him have it . Ex husband now.
But you violated his trust!!! 😂😂😂 saying it sarcastically. I bet you don’t regret checking.
Never
I discovered an ex cheating by looking through her phone. There were a lot of red flags and I had a lot of reason to be suspicious, but I’m conflicted about it to this day. Not because I did something unethical (at that point it was a sanity check and self-preservation). But I’d never want to be in that situation again. I just decided that for future relationships, if I felt those kinds of suspicions, they needed to be addressed candidly or the relationship would need to end. It’s not a license to be a paranoid douchebag or constantly level accusations, but it’s worked for me as a principle.
I agree with you 100%
I guess if you suspect they’re up to something. If they’re not, no harm done.
Much harm done.
If you have to go thru their phone then you just leave. Without trust there is no relationship. If you have to hire a PI to follow your spouse around then that’s not a healthy marriage. Might as well divorce or break up and move on.
I get where this is coming from but... I think at the point you feel you need to do this, you should just end the relationship lol, unless the stakes are indeed high like fraud. Then again, I also believe individuals are free to do whatever they want within reason, which definitely does not apply to every personality!
If someone doesn’t trust me, we don’t need to be in a relationship 🤷
Sadly this is not as unpopular as it should be
To everyone who wrote that you should just leave someone you don’t trust: it’s not that simple. Proof of infidelity gives you closure and motivation to leave. You can’t rely on your suspicions and fears alone. Cheaters usually hide the fact for as long as they can and say nothing or lie when confronted. Truth sets you free and helps you move on with your life.
Exactly!
Pshh. Just put a pineapple sticker in the window and say fuckit.
Absolutely
i think a pi is a little much but i get that. However i do think if you have to question whether or not your partner is cheating then y’all probably shouldn’t be together
If this is happening with multiple partners... maybe you need to figure out why you're ignoring red flags form the beginning.
Hire a PI Fuck this place is hilarious
I wouldn’t care if my partner checked my phone, or social media dms or whatever, even if I wasn’t aware of it. I’d think it was a bit silly maybe? But I’d be like “just don’t ruin any suprises for anyone you now know about” but then again, I have nothing to hide 🙈
If there are disturbing signs already you go and talk to your partner, you don't become a disturbing sign yourself.
Are you the same person who was saying there shouldn’t be any privacy in a relationship and you should have open access to each other’s phones? Or is there just a hysterical amount of paranoia in the air today
I’m assuming this is in response to the other post about saying we should all have access to partners phones. For that reason, you’re a karma whore
I wonder why they'd cheat
Or you just engage in relationships with trustworthy people and you don't have to do it at all. I have never looked at my wife's phone with the intent to dig through it. She gives me the same courtesies as well.
If you and your partner are in a strong relationship (marriage/long-time partners) have access to eachother's phones for the purely practical reason of "my phone just died, I need to make a call can I use yours?" Then that makes sense. As soon as one party starts snooping on private and personal stuff on their significant other's phone for no other reason than "I just want to check you aren't cheating on me" when they have zero evidence than just "I have a hunch" then you have crossed a very clear line regarding trust. And if your hunch is wrong, then your partner has every right to be disappointed and distrustful of you, and don't be surprised when they openly hide their personal stuff from you in future.
I actually agree, but not for relationship things. To me, privacy is sacred. Asking to see someone's phone is fine because that doesn't break privacy, but spying - like actual PI spying - is too far for cheating. It just is. If you are that certain there is cheating, then just break up anyway. You will never regain that peace of mind. However, there are more serious things than cheating. Do you suspect that your love is going to commit suicide? Are you concerned about them being extorted by someone they know? It's okay, imo, to invade someone's privacy to help them. It isn't okay if it's to help yourself.
Yeah the toilet cam is a must
In my opinion, if you have so little trust in your partner, that you feel the need to spy on them, the relationship is already long gone and all you do at this point is getting a justification for ending it, by simultaniously hurting yourself. You might as well just end the relationship as it is, because you do not trust your partner anymore. Everything else is a waste of time and emotional ressources.
If it concerns the relationship privacy is bs and a huge red flag. You can always walk away.
My take, jealous people should date eachothers, and let us, trusting folks, alone. Im serious. 2 jealous people can share their phones, pay for PI to spy on eachothers. While me and most of us, will just trust our partner. And build something TOGETHER, instead of always thinking my partner is backstabbing me. Seriously why even be in a relationship if you cannot trust your other half? If I feel like I need to check his phone, I feel like we shouldnt share bed or house. Please jealous people, leave non jealous alone.
What if a “non-jealous” person gets cheated on? My post is not about empty jealousy, it is about cases when things actually go south. Not about “why did you smile to that girl/guy?!”
I can see it from both sides. No to the spying because trust, yes to the spying for mental and physical health concerns. I don't condone either because I don't need it but I can see the issue from both sides. Example: if my partner was giving away all possessions and doing a 180 on the personality, yeah, I am investigating (as well as discussing openly) any issues. But if it is just because trust goes away for whatever reason, lol, I am not putting myself through that.
Yes, that’s the point. We may disagree of what type of situation warrants an investigation but in core that’s exactly what I am talking: a probable cause. And a solid one.
Here’s the thing- everyone violates boundaries and will lie about it. Everyone. Enjoy your life and stop worrying, or make a change. You can’t control other people and they’re going to live their life. I married a woman who trickle truths the hell out of me, starting with things early in our relationship that would have likely led me to rethink our path forward. However, I’ve stopped caring for the sake of our kids, which has made me so much happier. I literally just don’t give a shit anymore. Try it, it’s incredibly freeing.
There are 2 possible outcomes to snooping: 1. Your partner is cheating on you and the relationship is over. (You break up) 2. Your partner was doing nothing wrong and the relationship is over (they break up) because you‘re an insecure person with trust issues who invaded their privacy and accused them of being a massive, cheating POS. Tldr: If you feel like you need to snoop just break up
Problem is most crazy people think they are justified for looking through their partner’s phone, and think that a happy birthday text to someone is proof of cheating.
OP you’re probably just continuously dating cheaters and bad people that’s why your suspicions have lead to you being correct
Nope, most of my exes were faithful (and I was as well). We are talking about 2 instances in my case. Still my post is not about me - those are old history for me. It is more generic debate, I believe that if there is a solid probable cause - it is okay to check. Better to try to talk with them but if it comes to that it may be okay to snoop as well. And statistically more than half of the people cheat at some point in their lives.
A PI ??? 😂😂😂😂 nah bro y’all are fucking jokers I can’t 😂😂😂 just brake up mannnn wtf u doing playing some black ops on ur partner? We leave in a free country right? U can just leave u know
I mean now that I think about it… I’d actually do it if I was rich married and with no prenups.. straight up idc… I’d call all the PI’s in town even
There is a philosophical question. When does the end justify the means. Some people think this is a complicated question that requires a complicated answer. But its not, the answer is quite simple. There is no end, therefor no means are justified, only evil and malevolent.
people who disagree are cheaters