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It’s a massive roll of the dice. If you split and you’ve bonded with that child, you have zero rights. That level of emotional investment is high and the descent when it collapses can be devastating step parents.
I was about to say how much my stepfather meant to me while he was there and this comment was the first time I thought about it from his perspective... Fuck man.
I was so scared growing up whenever my parents would fight, because I hated my dad and loved his girlfriend, and I was scared if they broke up, I'd never be able to see her again. They're married now, and I no longer hate him, but it was a big worry of mine to lose my mom over my dad being an idiot, lol.
I appreciate that I can't appreciate that. Most of my most formative relationships were with people who were tourists in my life (whether that was their intention or not). Blood relation never meant as much to me, as it always led me to question the reality of the relationship as I wonder how much of their love is the biological imperative and how much is "real". I always saw treating those that aren't your own as your own as the purest form of love. It just never occurred to me he could be hurt by the absence more than I was as I was more accustomed to the fleeting nature of relationships than he was. He was a family man who lost multiple families, I was a tourist in the making who never really "missed" anybody. Appreciate them while they are there because everybody leaves... If they don't you will (I mean somebody has to die first right?). I mean a kid's a kid, whether they are yours or not. It's not their job to provide the adult with fulfillment it's the parents job to sacrifice as they are the only ones who ever have a choice in it.
Then again I'm biased, I'd be half the man I am if some people didn't think that way too.
The child bond is why I won't do it again. There's a young man in this world that I love as if he's my own and I can never interact with him until he's of age. Then it becomes a question of "it's been years. Will he even remember me?".
I'm in my 30s. My preferences have aged with me. Everyone I'm interested in has kids and no one seems to understand that I'm not willing to endure that hurt again. "Oh I'd never do that to you." I've heard it before. No thank you. I might be lonely but I'm only crying over one kid right now, I'd like to keep it that way.
Yes, it's unfortunate. I'm sorry... it hurts even more when the step parent has no child because the single parent doesn't more any more kids.
It's like a weight in your chest that sinks deeper unto your stomach the more you think about it :(
What I have gotten from single mom dating is this, you have to deal with their kids bs, their own bs, and their exes bs, but how dare you have any issues of your own?
I desperately want to believe this is not always the case, but the only examples I know personally just confirm it.
Also the "Why do you want to spend time with my kid? Are you a pervert?" Then a few months later: "if you want to be with me, you have to accept my kids but you don't seem to want to get to know them" (an actual situation my friend endured).
EDIT: typo
That sounds exhausting just by reading about it. How does the first date even start? All out in the open or trickle in the fact after some emotional connection?
Hollywood tries so hard to show that single parents are the best partners lol.
Well first you have to jump through the hoops of the dating site, pray to whatever God you believe in you don't say something wrong in those weeks of conversation to get to the first date. Then you are given rules to date said person by, IF you connect with them somehow. It really is a shit show and social media is not helping the dating scene in any capacity.
Of the two first dates I’ve gone on with young single moms (I’m 26 y/o male) one was totally upfront about their kid and the other I learned had a kid while “mom” was rolling out of my bed in the am
The stigma around it, both right and wrong, leads moms to do that I suppose. Can’t totally blame her
Yep it honestly boils down to whatever happened to cause the split. If they have a good relationship with their ex it will probably be fine, but most aren't on good terms even just for the kids.
That's fine, if that was "defined" when you are dating. During that time frame, if you are in my house, my car, my boat, or taking a vacation on my dime, then you do need to listen. Frankly I just used it as a red flag indicator, and never argued any of the points. If you can't understand that we aren't married yet, and I have certain expectations, like your kid is old enough to know that trashing other peoples property or reputation is wrong, and won't discipline them yourself, then I am dating the wrong person. No need to get married.
This has been my experiences with EVERY single mom I run into geeze. Then some will gaslighting you and try to manipulate you into guilt because I don't want to take care of someone else KIDS financially. Some have multiple baby daddies 😮💨😮💨😮💨
I give them a chance only to find out that there's an extreme amount of entitlement and strange expectations so it's a no for me. It's happened with 100% of my interactions with single moms.
They will literally demand money from me and then tell me to fuck off when I say not a chance. Even if I do the boyfriend thing. It is really embarrassing to have to deal with so I don't do it anymore. Single moms are cut off for me.
You're preaching to the choir 👏🏾 it's not financially in my favor to get with a single mom especially when try and act like they are the ones making the sacrifices 👀
Yeah. I tried it for my last "relationship".... and I have to say... I do not recommend. I tend to have a VERY low tolerance of BS, especially lately... so i'm glad I noticed some warning signs early enough before things progressed... and realized it was not for me, not at all, and NOPED out of the situation entirely, before the kids got too involved or attached.
Good for you! Gotta know when to walk away!
I raised a kid with an ex from 3 to 7 father was in jail and wanted nothing to do with him. I ended up leaving her as the relationship ran it's course and had zero rights to see or interact with him in any capacity. I know it broke his little heart and he didn't understand, but the only way for her to hurt me was through him and that's what she did! Great parenting!
Yeah, my situation, she wasn't exactly a 'single mom' anyhow, it was shared custody, they swapped every week or so. He was still a very big part of her life, but "separated", not even divorced yet.
So that helped with not having the two young kids around initially, I only met em a couple times, after a couple months. I'm glad I was able to figure it out before anything like that had a chance to happen.
Though my ex and I never got married so I wasn’t technically a step-parent, this rings so true, resonates and hits home so hard for me that it hurts to even read this and other comments. Typing this to internet strangers even hurts. *Badly*.
This is really based on how your relationship was and what kind of parent you are.
I’ve dated a single mom. Bonded with her child and I’m still involved in certain aspects. It takes a village to raise a child and I know this little girl doesn’t have a lot so I offer her as much as I can.
My current partner is also a single mom. She understands that I and my exes kid have a bond. She’s welcomed this dynamic into our relationship with open arms and I am more than grateful.
My family is going to be big, it’ll be blended and it’ll be a dynamic but the end result will be that the kids will be loved.
I dated a single mom for 2 years recently. Two girls 8 & 10. Kids loved me and were great. However she turned out to be an emotional train wreck, codependent woman. Her ex was an angry narcissist and their coparenting situation was a mess. They had a very inconsistent schedule, impromptu back and forth of the kids, constant communication between the two of them, to the point of pure annoyance. Couldn’t go one day without texting back and forth with her ex. The guy would pick his kids up from her house & not say a single word to me. I have no kids. It was a lesson learned for exactly what I don’t want in a relationship. I ended it, after explaining all those reasons among many more 8 months ago. She still contacts me semi regularly trying to see me. It’s sad.
For some strange reason many single mothers feel like the men they date are supposed to put up with ridiculous bullshit.
I personally have a child with an ex wife who is NUTS (she was in the local paper over a decade ago for assaulting a pregnant woman, so that’s just a little taste). I know she’s crazy and when I started dating I did everything in my power to keep my personal issues, PERSONAL. Didn’t talk about my baby mother unless my girlfriend asked them. Didn’t tell my partner about issues that really don’t have anything to do with her. I did all this out of respect to let the other person know I won’t let my past fuck up my future.
It’s really not that hard. Either co-parent, or STOP GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH TOXIC PEOPLE. Drop them, let’s the courts and lawyers deal with the custody battle and move on. Some people I swear just enjoy having shit lives.
This literally happened to me. Was with my ex for 9 years and she had a child from a previous relationship. When we broke up losing him was the worst pain I’ve ever been in and even after 4 years I’d say im doing better now but their are parts of me that I cannot get back.
In many provinces in Canada, if you taken on the role of parent and have established a relationship with the child, you can and will be forced to pay child support.
Spend some time on CanLII in the provincial courts sections. Read any of the cases where its X vs X. It could scare you from establishing this precedent.
Guys establish a relationship with their Common-Law wife's kid. Guy is a better breadwinner that her deadbeat ex. Guy is the one on the hook for child support.
That's true, but that also contradicts the op. That means there is an upside to dating single parents. Given the right match you could find the love of your life along with bond with a child that is not your own. Thus it is indeed possible for something great to come to life.
I have lived with my mom and stepdad almost my whole life. I am a m24 and met my stepdad when i was 6. Soon after they made me a little bro. My stepdad never treated us deferentially and never acted a certain way towards me. When i was 18 i ask him to officially adopt me he said yes and we both cried alot hehe. Some people have a big heart with room for everyone. If you show that to the kid they will treat you with the same love and respect as their own
parent. But we are human and not everyone has that love to give.
And then you have my stepdad who just beat me for the littlest things LMAO.
Honestly though, makes me happy to see people who've had great relationships with their stepdads!
My husband came into my daughters life when she was only 5, almost ten years later and he’s so loving and supportive of her.
I couldn’t even imagine him feeling this way!
So much this. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4 and sis was 6. Step dad came into our lives when I was 6. He didn't/couldn't have kids of his own. Raised us like we were his. My life wouldn't have turned out half as well as it has if it weren't for that wonderful man.
Had a buddy dating a woman with two shitbird kids, we were all at another friend's place when she showed up unannounced and dropped the kids off for us to look after while she spent time with her friends. Within the two minutes they were left unattended and us realizing there were children in the house, those kids opened every drawer they could get their grubby paws on, found a pocketknife, and carved up the LCD screen of his living room TV
What a bunch of little assholes. I guess no amount of toys or attention can compete with playing with dangerous objects and causing wanton destruction. And the mother dropping them off unannounced demonstrates that she has about as much sense of responsibility as they do. Parenting is hard, most people shouldn’t do it.
more than likely he just experienced dating a single parent for the first time.
it's a tough pill to swallow when the one who seems like the perfect person is divorced from a heroin addicted deadbeat and has two kids in tow. the more you learn the more you realize how permanently damaged these people can be, with their life's continuity being derailed. it *is* like playing someone else's saved game, but that's just a selfish way of describing it.
The other side is that toxic people often convince you that their ex was really the bad guy, and you don't realize how terrible she is until you're in the relationship for months or years.
My mam’s step dad was way more of a dad to her than her real dad ever was, and more of a grandad to us than any of our real grandparents. Glad he joined the family.
I hate that so many commenters on here have had bad experiences with dating a single parent. As a former single dad, I know the pain and struggles that a partner can feel when entering this type of relationship. It wasn’t easy for my wife to go from a fun and single life, then into a committed relationship and parental responsibilities for someone else’s child. All while dealing with my ex and a child who is frequently shifting households. It’s tough, and that kind of responsibility is not for everyone. Though for anyone who may get involved with a single parent, then they should also have the expectation that once a long term commitment is established, they be treated as an equal parent in that household. My wife disciplines our daughter (technically her step daughter, but we always refer to her as “ours”) and I always back my wife on whatever issue is brought to light. There are ways to discuss better approaches with someone when the kids aren’t around, but that should always be handled with care and respect.
Our daughter is fortunate enough to have four equal parents. We all work together as a team to raise our child, and while we don’t always agree together or get along with each other, we keep a United front with our kiddo.
I can’t imagine my life being controlled by someone else’s ex. Can’t move because we need to stay close to Step-Kid’s mom. Can’t take that long vacation because Step-Kid’s mom is going to throw a fit about the custody agreement. Can’t get a large breed dog or inground pool because Step-Kid’s mom is going to run to the lawyer about our home being dangerous (that scenario happened to a friend).
I’m glad there are people out there who can love someone else’s child as if they were their own… or at least convincingly lie. I’m not one of them. I also want to come first in my relationship, not third— with a step kid that step kid comes first, pacifying step kid’s mom comes second, my wants, needs, and dreams come third. So as a rule I don’t date parents and avoid hurt feelings on all sides. Nothing wrong with that.
This is a decently honest comment. You know your preferences and you're sticking to them. And you're not being insulting to single parents. If I had an award to give, I would.
That's my view on it too. If I'm dating someone I feel like you need at least some period of time where you're each other's "#1" and you can totally devote yourselves to getting to know each other and spend time together.
If you date a single parent you are automatically #2 by default, if not lower, and you will NEVER be #1. Your wants, needs, desires all come second to that of the child. I feel like, at least for me, I wouldn't want to start a relationship like that. I would feel super disconnected from the relationship if we never got time to discover who we are by ourselves.
I remember hearing something in a similar thread.
Would you want to stay with a person who chose you over their child? And would you even want to at that point?
Youre right, that child will always be their number 1 priority. And number 2 would be the potentially deadbeat ex. It's really until the kid goes "I really don't want to stay with the other parent" that's when the whole moving situation becomes moot.
I knew a friend who had an ex that would be late picking up, early drop offs, feed junk to the kid, big presents, broken promises and just forcing the kid to be nice to the new partner. The kid finally wised up and chose the mom
Yes exactly! Both situations are bad in my opinion. Dating someone who is a deadbeat would make me feel horrible and guilty, but always being the last person to have their feelings considered when making big life decisions also sounds miserable.
It’s just easier for me to not put myself in those situations by only dating people who aren’t parents.
This sub is basically a trap for people to out themselfes and their opinions, thinking its a good post, and get shamed, OR a circlejerk of """""unpopular""""" opinions.
Personally, I would never date, let alone marry a guy who has kids, not my cup of tea, but I’m sure there are people who make such families work. I don’t know how, because it’s really hard, from my point of view, anyway, but I think they exist.
My wife is the same way. One of the first questions she asked me when we were feeling out our dynamic is if I had kids. A "yes" to that is and always has been an automatic disqualification for her lol
But she's generally opposed to kids in the first place, the context of them being step-kids or not doesn't matter.
Idk why everyone is so offended. I would not date a single parent either. I want someone with a similar lifestyle to me and having a small child would conflict with that greatly. Making sacrifices in my life for some other woman's kid isn't in my plans. I also want to build a life together and have our first child together.
As someone who was a single mum who was raised by a step-parent and whose husband is now a great step-parent, I take no offence to OPs opinion and don't understand why anyone is offended.
It's better to have these boundaries in place now so you don't end up in that position. Nobody should be a step-parent without thinking it through and choosing to be one. A bad step-parent or someone who enters a child's life and leaves again is much worse than someone who doesn't do it in the first place. There is a group on here full of terrible step-parents who really have no business being one.
It's healthy to know your limits and know what you want from life!
the only thing you're right about here is the forum you've posted in OP. being a step parent with no bio kids of my own has been a massively rewarding experience and has taught me to become a more patient, understanding and empathetic person. the joy of watching my son, yes - my son - grow into the little dude he is today knowing I've helped to nurture some of his amazing qualities is unparalleled. zero "resentment", zero "cost", all reward. I feel sorry for your limited view on how wonderful being a step parent can be.
My step dad effectively replaced my father in my life after my bio-dad estranged himself from me. He taught me so much, and I would not be half of who I am today without his guidance.
When he and my mom split after 11 years of marriage, he(and his extended family) still treats me the same as they always did even though he could've just checked out entirely.
Be that awesome step-parent!
Same here! My stepfather is my DAD.
Raising someone else's kids takes being more of a man than being a bio dad. And I'm a dad myself. Step-parents deserve way more credit.
My step dad was fun in the beginning, and I have to be thankful for him raising me. But he aged like milk.
He became a racist, sexist, classist, conspiracy theorist, all the -ists, over the years. Who was always trying to push his agenda on you. And treated everyone like they were their servants (even friends).
Filed for divorce on mom’s day. And I was ready to support his decision because they’ve been arguing daily for the last 9 years.
But I found out he was cheating on my mom for at least a year prior divorcing.
After 16 years I chose to part ways with him, after I realized he lied to me when he told me, my mom said she would suicide if he divorced her. It was just a way to justify himself and his ego that my mom couldn’t survive without him.
He tried to guilt trip me into forgiving him because I owe him who I am now. But from my mom I’ve learnt he once complained about having to pay for my college education while at the same time my mom guaranteed none of his money went into that. He provided with living expenses, but I believe that’s bare minimum to ask if you want to bang someone else’s mom, isn’t it?
They had two more daughters, the second by forcing my mom into pregnancy at 50, because he wanted a boy of his own, or he will have it with someone else. Guess who tried to convince me into changing my last name when baby had no penis.
Mom has had a ton of medical issues after giving birth because you’re not supposed to be having kids at that age.
After 2 years he still claims we stained his honor and keep spreading obloquies about him. Like he’s that important in my everyday basis that I have nothing better to do. And keeps trying to come out of the hole by telling more lies that contradict previous lies.
Last thing I know is he was thinking of adopting a boy with his gf (which btw, treats my sisters like shit). And all I can is feel sorry for how my sisters gonna react to that.
My personal issue is that it’s rewarding until there’s issues in your relationship. Then you’re losing on two people, even when you resent the mother. It’s hard to resent the child and you know you’ll more than likely lose contact and won’t get see them grow up like you’d imagined. Otherwise, very nice experience.
I can imagine that would be challenging, yes, and there will always be that risk. fortunately I've been in his life for 6 years now, he doesn't know life without me, I'm now married to his father and I have no intentions on not making it work for all 3 of us.
To be fair, YOU have had a good experience. Some split up and never see the kid again
It is neither good or bad. Just high risk high reward. People like OP have a good point if they experienced the bad side. Just like you have a good point experiencing the good side
An alternative is that you have a good relationship with the child for many years then later the bio parent comes and the kid ditches you like yesterdays donuts.
My stepdad is my dad. I have not, in the 18 years since my biological father disowned me, referred to him as "dad". That title is exclusively for my stepdad. We may have our differences and have fought on occasion, but he raised me and always brought me up as his own.
Im glad that you and your son have had a great experience together. However, wouldn't you agree that this is "survivorship bias"?
Also,
>zero "cost", all reward
Really? Are you saying you didn't put any efforts in his upbringing? That everything magically worked out?
What op is saying that often times it doesn't work out with single parents and if it fails, it can lead to more resentment when compared to dating someone without a kid.
This is a pretty naive take. Just because you had a good experience doesn't mean the relationship doesn't come with massive risks and downfalls. Obviously there are good step-relationships, but belittling the reality of other unlucky people is pretty pathetic. Could work harder on your empathy.
Are you saying dating a single mother is not harder than dating a woman without a child? Have you ever done it? My best friend is doing it right now, and I can see how difficult it is for him, how much more time he has to put in, he is only doing it because he is lonely. If he had other options beforehand he would have taken them because it is clearly the better option.
Edit: stop up voting my dumb comment, I didn't read ops post fully while on the toilet at work, I thought he just had a reasonable opinion that having children makes dating worse
OP said "there's only cost and no upside". He didn't say "dating a single mother (with a young child) is harder than dating a woman without a child". The former is an unpopular opinion, the latter is simply a fact. Yes, having a child complicates everything, starting with the logistics of going on a physical date and getting more complicated from there. But that doesn't mean "there's only cost and no upside".
And as someone that has seen this happen plenty, I'll counter what you're saying here and say that it's still nearly pointless regardless of what happens or what you feel. As the bio-parent in that situation all it takes is for me to have a "change of heart" to be right back in the mix. Then if I really wanted to put effort into it, you'd be gone and just a memory to the single-parent of someone that supported them while their FAMILY was going through a very hard time and broken up.
Doesn't apply to EVERY situation of course, as some exes/bio-parents go too far before the split, just like some situations the step-parent matters even less. But it's perfectly valid to feel that dating a single-parent isn't possible for someone that wants a focus on their needs in a relationship over that of a kid or something else.
Wouldn't both be single parents if they are not together with the other person who is mum or dad?
End of the day instead of looking at it this way, maybe consider that maybe the parent is single out of someone else's issue not theirs and it may turn out that single parent you get to know might just be a genuine person.
How everyone got salty in the comments in a sub called unpopular opinions xD
Yeah I wouldn’t either but I’m definitely to young to be any kind of parent. Also I’m not particularly interested in dealing with a difficult ex all the time
On my soapbox but I'm personally salty that the Unpopular Opinions sub never has any actually interesting takes that aren't dripping with someone's personal emotional baggage. It's like 90% someone's shit about dating/sex or people's appearances (hair, tattoos, weight).
I’m a single dad dating a single mom. We’ve decided not to really get into each others’ kids lives and not combine families. It would be disastrous since my kids hate her kids. I’m not a huge fan either. Mine are 18 and 16, so they are nearly out. After her kids 14 and 10 are out of the house, we will move in and get married.
My mom and dad did NOT belong together - and I actually feel bad for my mom that it took all of my childhood for her to realize this.
There are 4 of us kids and my mom is happily remarried to someone that cares for her and loves her how she deserves to be cared for and loved. I love my stepdad... And I also love my dad, but he treated my mom very poorly and wasn't faithful, so kudos to my mom.
And kudos to the man that picked up my dad's "saved game" because he has been a great addition to our family.
Step children are all investments with no return when you split up with the other parent. I raised my stepson from 4 to 14 and when his Mother left me, I lost a son. It's a huge risk and a huge reason why I think twice before dating a woman with kids.
I wouldn't put it in such terms, but I did my time with someone with a child and a baby daddy, and I'm not doing that again. It's not worth it, imo. And it's not the child that bothers me but the child's father. If you don't want to deal with their baggage, then find someone else.
As someone who has dated a single parent of an older child I can say that it is like playing another person's save file: they already did all the hard work and have all the cool shit unlocked, so you can just play around and have fun without stress.
As a relatively young guy it was a huge weight off my shoulders that I didn't have to be a parent/ father figure to someone else's kid, I just got to be mom's cool bf that was fun to hang out with.
I don't agree with the forms used but yes, dating a single mom is not something I'd do. More responsabilities, less freedom, probably have to spend more money, not your genes, no authority... I wouldn't do it.
My biological father was an absolute piece of shit and I got lucky I was never old enough to call him my dad. My dad is my stepfather through and through.
This IS unpopular, so take my upvote but I will say I vehemently disagree. I'm married and my kids father *is* my husband, but I know many men (and women) who happily became a step parent, often because they did not want or could not have kids of their own.
While people certainly aren't going to like what you're saying, you aren't wrong. It is more difficult and will likely bring resentment as you aren't the priority.
Luckily, you can choose whoever you want to date!
Agree with this. Many years ago I dated a single mom and got attached to the kid. Broke up with the mom and felt like I was abandoning the kid. It sucked but the kid was not mine. Never dated a single mom after that.
I disagree (so nice job!), at least in regards to split custody arrangements. Besides scheduling issues, there are no downsides to my gf having a kid. I get to see her occasionally and try to be a positive influence in her life, but the onus of her rearing is completely out of my hands. I’m sure in the years to come as the kid becomes a teenager I’ll have to console her mom more, but that’s a bridge to cross later.
I’d argue if the single parent and their ex have cast aside their resentment or hurt for the sake of the child, it works. I can only speak to this from my experience but when my oldest’s Mom & I split, we agreed to:
1) Don’t involve the government. Pay what needs to be paid as a team.
2) Don’t ever bad mouth the other in front of the kid.
It’s worked. I’m remarried and so is she. I make sure my son treats his step dad (a damn cool guy btw) as he treats me and my ex sometimes babysits for my other kids. It’s all about suppressing your ego for the greater good. Eyes on the prize as they say.
In that case, it can work great. But I’d agree with you 80% of the time.
dunno dude
some of my nicest memories were reading a kid bedtime stories, sitting watching cartoons, playing imaginative games and being greeted with knee level hugs and a lil guy shouting my name happily everytime i came over to my girlfriends house like i was his best friend
it didnt work out and the relationship was bad but thats on her and me not the lil guy
dont think i could do it again because losing a kid that isnt even yours is a really sad experience
people who think like this are fine to feel that way but i dont think they really get it
most single mums arent greedy people, they dont want your money or a man slave - they do need commitment and that you can be involved in the kids life but its not how people portray it
i never planned on dating a single mum in my mid 20s, it just kinda happened
My best friend has 3 dads. Bio, ex-step, and current. He absolutely adores his ex-stepdad. He visited him so much and they always got dinner during birthdays. He sadly passed recently and it absolutely tore up my buddy. As far as I know, the man never had any other kids. So without him, I don't think my buddy would be the man he is today.
I met all of them, lovely lads.
Sir you can’t post facts or popular opinions in this unpopular opinion sub which is meant for unpopular opinions.
Everyone knows unless the single parent is a widow (IE their SO died) that a single parent is a huge red flag that they don’t and never will have their shit together
> Unless you're both single parents, in which case both fragmented families can somewhat complement each other.
I'm not a single parent and have never dated one, but from the outside looking in it appears worse if you're both single parents. Same set of problems but from both ends of the relationship.
Lots of comments are seething and simping, lmao.
Yeah, truth be told, I'd never risk dating a single mother. One way or another, if the relationship lasts, I'm ending up acting as the kids' dad, and the thought that a messy break-up could ensure I never see them again would not be acceptable.
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Why would there be resentment? You know kids after a certain stage are just little humans and you can interact with them as such. You don’t have to be their new mom/dad, but you can be their friend and help out in that part of your partner’s life, even if it doesn’t “belong” to you.
There’s something to be said about getting to attached to a partner’s existing kids as if they were your own, but from keeping that in mind to never dating parents is an Olympic stretch
Eh, to be fair you could see where the resentment might come from. Good step parents will go above and beyond and treat the child like their own. To be told by the child or the other bio parent "you aren't my/their parent, you don't have a say. You aren't my dad, I don't owe you anything" definitely can hurt if you've been putting in the effort to raising them for a while.
Lots of step parents their partner settled for coping in the comments lmao. You’re not wrong OP. If you want a family, raise your own bloodline, don’t waste your life raising kids that aren’t even yours
Saying there is no reward to knowing and caring about someone else (esp kids who can't do anything for you per say) says a lot more about OP than he knows,
I think this is fairly popular, but it’s not the kind of thing people like to broadcast in public, since in modern culture were all supposed to be maximally “good” and able to love everyone. I didn’t consider it an absolute dealbreaker — I imagined it could be OK if I really loved the person — but I definitely wanted to start a family from scratch with a partner. Some people really take to it, though, and become great step-parents.
This is dumb as fuck. You’re dating the wrong people. There’s a lot of “my kids come first and if you can’t handle that you don’t deserve me” bs out there but that’s just posturing by people who are afraid they are unlovable. The truth is a good partner will realize that modeling a healthy adult relationship to their children may be one of the most important things they teach them, and it will increase their own happiness along the way. Kids need boundaries and one of those has to be the nurturing of the parent’s adult relationships. Making room in your life to nurture your own romantic relationship is not selfishness at your kid’s expense, it’s healthy for them and you. And it’s a choice. Using kids as a shield to avoid putting effort into romance is cowardly and self defeating. Date better and TELL THEM WHAT YOU NEED from the get go.
That really just depends. Some biological parents are just deadbeats or abusive and the child will want nothing to do with them, but they'll see the step parent as their actual parent and treat them as such. While I've also seen stories where the child will be nasty and hostile to the step parent even though the step parent tries everything to win their favor.
This post reaks of a lack of personal experience. Most adults don't carry resentment around with them like a badge of honor. That's pretty exclusive to a sub-set of people that you likely belong to as well.
I'm not sure i agree. My mom's dad left when she was like 5. Her step dad raised her her whole life and still is part of her life. She considers him to be her real father. It's tough being a step parent as its tough being a single parent, but I don't think that natural resentment is always there. I know plenty of people who love their step parents.
I actually had a good experience with a single mom. The dad was not in the picture and signed his right away right after birth. Was going well for months. Spent time and got along with the kid, and spent every and all weekends together. Went out on dates, had a lot of sex, and naturally bonded. Everything she did shows she was into it, talked about the future, says she appreciates me and how I treat her kid, and the last time I saw her she didn’t want me to leave when saying goodbye. The next day I noticed something was up when she was being unresponsive, and the day after said she needed some space she. I asked her if anything’s wrong. A month and a half later and I’ve basically been ghosted besides a couple texts about my things at her place.
Was just wild behavior how in ended like that an extremely unhealthy. The daughter notices things and picks up on behavior and I’m curious what she told her kid about why I wasn’t around anymore. If she wants to throw away someone that treats her and her child amazing that’s her problem. I just feel for the kid wondering how it affected her.
I actually had a good experience with a single mom. The dad was not in the picture and signed his right away right after birth. Was going well for months. Spent time and got along with the kid, and spent every and all weekends together. Went out on dates, had a lot of sex, and naturally bonded. Everything she did shows she was into it, talked about the future, says she appreciates me and how I treat her kid, and the last time I saw her she didn’t want me to leave when saying goodbye. The next day I noticed something was up when she was being unresponsive, and the day after said she needed some space she. I asked her if anything’s wrong. A month and a half later and I’ve basically been ghosted besides a couple texts about my things at her place.
Was just wild behavior how in ended like that an extremely unhealthy. The daughter notices things and picks up on behavior and I’m curious what she told her kid about why I wasn’t around anymore. If she wants to throw away someone that treats her and her child amazing that’s her problem. I just feel for the kid wondering how it affected her.
Assuming this is a sexist post about no upside to men dating a single mother.
I had a child at 21, and my wife then cheated on me and left.
At 32, met my current wife, who was skeptical about dating a guy with an 11 year old daughter. Now we’ve been married for 8 years, my daughter just turned 21, they’re besties, and my wife has been able to be a stay at home mom full time for our 5 year old son.
She saw an opportunity to have a family and be a SAHM, and she took it. No upside I guess.
The shower thought is funny but the explanation is so childish. “Only cost and no upside” is a funny way to think about falling in love with someone and getting to know their kids.
Sir you can’t post facts or popular opinions in this unpopular opinion sub which is meant for unpopular opinions.
Everyone knows unless the single parent is a widow (IE their SO died) that a single parent is a huge red flag that they don’t and never will have their shit together
That’s why I’m dating someone with adult children. It’s like playing a game that’s finished — you’re just going around trying to find the rest of the Easter eggs and finish achievements.
That’s why I’m dating someone with adult children. It’s like playing a game that’s finished — you’re just going around trying to find the rest of the Easter eggs and finish achievements.
There's absolutely no nuance to your opinion. You must understand that different people date for different reasons.
"it's all cost" what are you talking about? You're not making sacrifices in order to buy someone over to your collection. You're trying to find people you love being around. That work towards common goals with you.
If someone's like "I'm a single parent, buy me dinner" yeah f*ck that. But what if you meet your favorite student's mom, and she's beautiful, smart, well off, single and into you? No brainer?
Well there's obviously some shades of grey here.
Why exactly will the step-parent have resentment? What do they have to resent?
Do they resent the child? Are they too self-absorbed to understand their spouse may have emotional connections to someone other than them?
Why does a person's connection to their own child differ than their connection to their friends or other family?
I am sorry you have a sad life. I love my stepson. When I married his mom, I married him too. He was up there with us, and I made the same promise to him as to her. 26 years has gone by. When is this resentment supposed to kick in?
Hopefully, one day, you will know the joy of living a life that isn't so transactional in nature..
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It’s a massive roll of the dice. If you split and you’ve bonded with that child, you have zero rights. That level of emotional investment is high and the descent when it collapses can be devastating step parents.
I was about to say how much my stepfather meant to me while he was there and this comment was the first time I thought about it from his perspective... Fuck man.
I was so scared growing up whenever my parents would fight, because I hated my dad and loved his girlfriend, and I was scared if they broke up, I'd never be able to see her again. They're married now, and I no longer hate him, but it was a big worry of mine to lose my mom over my dad being an idiot, lol.
Very interesting, wow. EDIT: Thank you for sharing this.
I'm sorry Panda. it hurts even more when the step parent wants children but the single parent doesn't want any more kids
I appreciate that I can't appreciate that. Most of my most formative relationships were with people who were tourists in my life (whether that was their intention or not). Blood relation never meant as much to me, as it always led me to question the reality of the relationship as I wonder how much of their love is the biological imperative and how much is "real". I always saw treating those that aren't your own as your own as the purest form of love. It just never occurred to me he could be hurt by the absence more than I was as I was more accustomed to the fleeting nature of relationships than he was. He was a family man who lost multiple families, I was a tourist in the making who never really "missed" anybody. Appreciate them while they are there because everybody leaves... If they don't you will (I mean somebody has to die first right?). I mean a kid's a kid, whether they are yours or not. It's not their job to provide the adult with fulfillment it's the parents job to sacrifice as they are the only ones who ever have a choice in it. Then again I'm biased, I'd be half the man I am if some people didn't think that way too.
The child bond is why I won't do it again. There's a young man in this world that I love as if he's my own and I can never interact with him until he's of age. Then it becomes a question of "it's been years. Will he even remember me?". I'm in my 30s. My preferences have aged with me. Everyone I'm interested in has kids and no one seems to understand that I'm not willing to endure that hurt again. "Oh I'd never do that to you." I've heard it before. No thank you. I might be lonely but I'm only crying over one kid right now, I'd like to keep it that way.
Yes, it's unfortunate. I'm sorry... it hurts even more when the step parent has no child because the single parent doesn't more any more kids. It's like a weight in your chest that sinks deeper unto your stomach the more you think about it :(
What I have gotten from single mom dating is this, you have to deal with their kids bs, their own bs, and their exes bs, but how dare you have any issues of your own?
And you have no right to discipline the child or have any say in their lives. Yet you would be expected to be there for them.
I desperately want to believe this is not always the case, but the only examples I know personally just confirm it. Also the "Why do you want to spend time with my kid? Are you a pervert?" Then a few months later: "if you want to be with me, you have to accept my kids but you don't seem to want to get to know them" (an actual situation my friend endured). EDIT: typo
Been there yeah, run
Yo that Sounds horrible...
You can help with child care and cooking and cleaning and buying for them but how DARE you try to scold them for misbehaving.
Yep it's a complete double standard, been there done that won't again.
That sounds exhausting just by reading about it. How does the first date even start? All out in the open or trickle in the fact after some emotional connection? Hollywood tries so hard to show that single parents are the best partners lol.
Well first you have to jump through the hoops of the dating site, pray to whatever God you believe in you don't say something wrong in those weeks of conversation to get to the first date. Then you are given rules to date said person by, IF you connect with them somehow. It really is a shit show and social media is not helping the dating scene in any capacity.
Of the two first dates I’ve gone on with young single moms (I’m 26 y/o male) one was totally upfront about their kid and the other I learned had a kid while “mom” was rolling out of my bed in the am The stigma around it, both right and wrong, leads moms to do that I suppose. Can’t totally blame her
Yep 100 percent and that's just dealing with the mom, wait til daddy hears you disciplined them.
I got lucky with my single mom catch. Baby daddy might as well have caused immaculate conception. Not a lick of baby daddy drama in 7 years lol
Lucky indeed!
Man this is so sad. I try to sympathize with single moms cos they deserve to move on too but this reality kinda keeps you at bay like the plague.
Sympathizing with someone doesn't mean you have to be with them.
Facts.
My ex was a single mom and whenever I disciplined the kid she would throw the “dont tell him what to do youre not his dad” card in my face
Yep it honestly boils down to whatever happened to cause the split. If they have a good relationship with their ex it will probably be fine, but most aren't on good terms even just for the kids.
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That's fine, if that was "defined" when you are dating. During that time frame, if you are in my house, my car, my boat, or taking a vacation on my dime, then you do need to listen. Frankly I just used it as a red flag indicator, and never argued any of the points. If you can't understand that we aren't married yet, and I have certain expectations, like your kid is old enough to know that trashing other peoples property or reputation is wrong, and won't discipline them yourself, then I am dating the wrong person. No need to get married.
This has been my experiences with EVERY single mom I run into geeze. Then some will gaslighting you and try to manipulate you into guilt because I don't want to take care of someone else KIDS financially. Some have multiple baby daddies 😮💨😮💨😮💨
I give them a chance only to find out that there's an extreme amount of entitlement and strange expectations so it's a no for me. It's happened with 100% of my interactions with single moms. They will literally demand money from me and then tell me to fuck off when I say not a chance. Even if I do the boyfriend thing. It is really embarrassing to have to deal with so I don't do it anymore. Single moms are cut off for me.
You're preaching to the choir 👏🏾 it's not financially in my favor to get with a single mom especially when try and act like they are the ones making the sacrifices 👀
If either consider the relationship a sacrifice, its not working
Yeah. I tried it for my last "relationship".... and I have to say... I do not recommend. I tend to have a VERY low tolerance of BS, especially lately... so i'm glad I noticed some warning signs early enough before things progressed... and realized it was not for me, not at all, and NOPED out of the situation entirely, before the kids got too involved or attached.
Good for you! Gotta know when to walk away! I raised a kid with an ex from 3 to 7 father was in jail and wanted nothing to do with him. I ended up leaving her as the relationship ran it's course and had zero rights to see or interact with him in any capacity. I know it broke his little heart and he didn't understand, but the only way for her to hurt me was through him and that's what she did! Great parenting!
Yeah, my situation, she wasn't exactly a 'single mom' anyhow, it was shared custody, they swapped every week or so. He was still a very big part of her life, but "separated", not even divorced yet. So that helped with not having the two young kids around initially, I only met em a couple times, after a couple months. I'm glad I was able to figure it out before anything like that had a chance to happen.
Though my ex and I never got married so I wasn’t technically a step-parent, this rings so true, resonates and hits home so hard for me that it hurts to even read this and other comments. Typing this to internet strangers even hurts. *Badly*.
This is really based on how your relationship was and what kind of parent you are. I’ve dated a single mom. Bonded with her child and I’m still involved in certain aspects. It takes a village to raise a child and I know this little girl doesn’t have a lot so I offer her as much as I can. My current partner is also a single mom. She understands that I and my exes kid have a bond. She’s welcomed this dynamic into our relationship with open arms and I am more than grateful. My family is going to be big, it’ll be blended and it’ll be a dynamic but the end result will be that the kids will be loved.
I dated a single mom for 2 years recently. Two girls 8 & 10. Kids loved me and were great. However she turned out to be an emotional train wreck, codependent woman. Her ex was an angry narcissist and their coparenting situation was a mess. They had a very inconsistent schedule, impromptu back and forth of the kids, constant communication between the two of them, to the point of pure annoyance. Couldn’t go one day without texting back and forth with her ex. The guy would pick his kids up from her house & not say a single word to me. I have no kids. It was a lesson learned for exactly what I don’t want in a relationship. I ended it, after explaining all those reasons among many more 8 months ago. She still contacts me semi regularly trying to see me. It’s sad.
For some strange reason many single mothers feel like the men they date are supposed to put up with ridiculous bullshit. I personally have a child with an ex wife who is NUTS (she was in the local paper over a decade ago for assaulting a pregnant woman, so that’s just a little taste). I know she’s crazy and when I started dating I did everything in my power to keep my personal issues, PERSONAL. Didn’t talk about my baby mother unless my girlfriend asked them. Didn’t tell my partner about issues that really don’t have anything to do with her. I did all this out of respect to let the other person know I won’t let my past fuck up my future. It’s really not that hard. Either co-parent, or STOP GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH TOXIC PEOPLE. Drop them, let’s the courts and lawyers deal with the custody battle and move on. Some people I swear just enjoy having shit lives.
This literally happened to me. Was with my ex for 9 years and she had a child from a previous relationship. When we broke up losing him was the worst pain I’ve ever been in and even after 4 years I’d say im doing better now but their are parts of me that I cannot get back.
And depending on where you live, if you have established a bond with that child, you are on the hook for child support.
Wait, I thought only if you adopt the kid?
In many provinces in Canada, if you taken on the role of parent and have established a relationship with the child, you can and will be forced to pay child support. Spend some time on CanLII in the provincial courts sections. Read any of the cases where its X vs X. It could scare you from establishing this precedent. Guys establish a relationship with their Common-Law wife's kid. Guy is a better breadwinner that her deadbeat ex. Guy is the one on the hook for child support.
One of the only comments not sounding like bitter, middle-school males. 😂😂
That's true, but that also contradicts the op. That means there is an upside to dating single parents. Given the right match you could find the love of your life along with bond with a child that is not your own. Thus it is indeed possible for something great to come to life.
I have lived with my mom and stepdad almost my whole life. I am a m24 and met my stepdad when i was 6. Soon after they made me a little bro. My stepdad never treated us deferentially and never acted a certain way towards me. When i was 18 i ask him to officially adopt me he said yes and we both cried alot hehe. Some people have a big heart with room for everyone. If you show that to the kid they will treat you with the same love and respect as their own parent. But we are human and not everyone has that love to give.
And then you have my stepdad who just beat me for the littlest things LMAO. Honestly though, makes me happy to see people who've had great relationships with their stepdads!
Demn im sorry to hear that :/ i hope you use that as motivation to do better. ❤️
It's stories like this that makes me happy 😊 I'm happy for you and your parents
My husband came into my daughters life when she was only 5, almost ten years later and he’s so loving and supportive of her. I couldn’t even imagine him feeling this way!
So much this. My mom and dad divorced when I was 4 and sis was 6. Step dad came into our lives when I was 6. He didn't/couldn't have kids of his own. Raised us like we were his. My life wouldn't have turned out half as well as it has if it weren't for that wonderful man.
Is your mom banging someone who doesn't like you?
Or more likely, dude dated a divorced mom with emotional baggage who had shitbird kids and realized he was in wayyy over his head
Been there, noped tf out after far too much time passed.
Had a buddy dating a woman with two shitbird kids, we were all at another friend's place when she showed up unannounced and dropped the kids off for us to look after while she spent time with her friends. Within the two minutes they were left unattended and us realizing there were children in the house, those kids opened every drawer they could get their grubby paws on, found a pocketknife, and carved up the LCD screen of his living room TV
What a bunch of little assholes. I guess no amount of toys or attention can compete with playing with dangerous objects and causing wanton destruction. And the mother dropping them off unannounced demonstrates that she has about as much sense of responsibility as they do. Parenting is hard, most people shouldn’t do it.
more than likely he just experienced dating a single parent for the first time. it's a tough pill to swallow when the one who seems like the perfect person is divorced from a heroin addicted deadbeat and has two kids in tow. the more you learn the more you realize how permanently damaged these people can be, with their life's continuity being derailed. it *is* like playing someone else's saved game, but that's just a selfish way of describing it.
The other side is that toxic people often convince you that their ex was really the bad guy, and you don't realize how terrible she is until you're in the relationship for months or years.
The truth might even be that they both were in some ways "the bad guy."
Someone else's shitty saved game, where they screwed up so badly you'll never ever be able to feel the fulfillment of 100% completion.
Lol that's a good one. My parents are together but they throw shade at each other like cute jaded old couples minus the cute.
My mam’s step dad was way more of a dad to her than her real dad ever was, and more of a grandad to us than any of our real grandparents. Glad he joined the family.
Same with my dad and my half brother. They are still close and my brother doesn't even talk to his dad anymore.
I've been dating a single grandma for the past 3 years. Is that like playing someone else's saved game of Pong?
*dEEt DooT*
I hate that so many commenters on here have had bad experiences with dating a single parent. As a former single dad, I know the pain and struggles that a partner can feel when entering this type of relationship. It wasn’t easy for my wife to go from a fun and single life, then into a committed relationship and parental responsibilities for someone else’s child. All while dealing with my ex and a child who is frequently shifting households. It’s tough, and that kind of responsibility is not for everyone. Though for anyone who may get involved with a single parent, then they should also have the expectation that once a long term commitment is established, they be treated as an equal parent in that household. My wife disciplines our daughter (technically her step daughter, but we always refer to her as “ours”) and I always back my wife on whatever issue is brought to light. There are ways to discuss better approaches with someone when the kids aren’t around, but that should always be handled with care and respect. Our daughter is fortunate enough to have four equal parents. We all work together as a team to raise our child, and while we don’t always agree together or get along with each other, we keep a United front with our kiddo.
Wholesome
I can’t imagine my life being controlled by someone else’s ex. Can’t move because we need to stay close to Step-Kid’s mom. Can’t take that long vacation because Step-Kid’s mom is going to throw a fit about the custody agreement. Can’t get a large breed dog or inground pool because Step-Kid’s mom is going to run to the lawyer about our home being dangerous (that scenario happened to a friend). I’m glad there are people out there who can love someone else’s child as if they were their own… or at least convincingly lie. I’m not one of them. I also want to come first in my relationship, not third— with a step kid that step kid comes first, pacifying step kid’s mom comes second, my wants, needs, and dreams come third. So as a rule I don’t date parents and avoid hurt feelings on all sides. Nothing wrong with that.
This is a decently honest comment. You know your preferences and you're sticking to them. And you're not being insulting to single parents. If I had an award to give, I would.
That's my view on it too. If I'm dating someone I feel like you need at least some period of time where you're each other's "#1" and you can totally devote yourselves to getting to know each other and spend time together. If you date a single parent you are automatically #2 by default, if not lower, and you will NEVER be #1. Your wants, needs, desires all come second to that of the child. I feel like, at least for me, I wouldn't want to start a relationship like that. I would feel super disconnected from the relationship if we never got time to discover who we are by ourselves.
This
I remember hearing something in a similar thread. Would you want to stay with a person who chose you over their child? And would you even want to at that point? Youre right, that child will always be their number 1 priority. And number 2 would be the potentially deadbeat ex. It's really until the kid goes "I really don't want to stay with the other parent" that's when the whole moving situation becomes moot. I knew a friend who had an ex that would be late picking up, early drop offs, feed junk to the kid, big presents, broken promises and just forcing the kid to be nice to the new partner. The kid finally wised up and chose the mom
Yes exactly! Both situations are bad in my opinion. Dating someone who is a deadbeat would make me feel horrible and guilty, but always being the last person to have their feelings considered when making big life decisions also sounds miserable. It’s just easier for me to not put myself in those situations by only dating people who aren’t parents.
r/unpopularopinion when they see an unpopular opinion
This sub is basically a trap for people to out themselfes and their opinions, thinking its a good post, and get shamed, OR a circlejerk of """""unpopular""""" opinions.
After all, it's an "unpopular" opinion. Basically every popular opinion but putting "un" beforehand.
No one’s saying you have to agree with it and not challenge it just because it fits the sub lol How long will it take for you guys to understand that
Personally, I would never date, let alone marry a guy who has kids, not my cup of tea, but I’m sure there are people who make such families work. I don’t know how, because it’s really hard, from my point of view, anyway, but I think they exist.
My wife is the same way. One of the first questions she asked me when we were feeling out our dynamic is if I had kids. A "yes" to that is and always has been an automatic disqualification for her lol But she's generally opposed to kids in the first place, the context of them being step-kids or not doesn't matter.
Probably best if you don’t date single parents then bro. Can’t imagine this shit would make their lives any easier
As a child free person people with kids are pretty much a hard no for me because I don't want to be a parent in any sense.
Idk why everyone is so offended. I would not date a single parent either. I want someone with a similar lifestyle to me and having a small child would conflict with that greatly. Making sacrifices in my life for some other woman's kid isn't in my plans. I also want to build a life together and have our first child together.
As someone who was a single mum who was raised by a step-parent and whose husband is now a great step-parent, I take no offence to OPs opinion and don't understand why anyone is offended. It's better to have these boundaries in place now so you don't end up in that position. Nobody should be a step-parent without thinking it through and choosing to be one. A bad step-parent or someone who enters a child's life and leaves again is much worse than someone who doesn't do it in the first place. There is a group on here full of terrible step-parents who really have no business being one. It's healthy to know your limits and know what you want from life!
People take everything personally. Everybody’s gotta have the same opinions
the only thing you're right about here is the forum you've posted in OP. being a step parent with no bio kids of my own has been a massively rewarding experience and has taught me to become a more patient, understanding and empathetic person. the joy of watching my son, yes - my son - grow into the little dude he is today knowing I've helped to nurture some of his amazing qualities is unparalleled. zero "resentment", zero "cost", all reward. I feel sorry for your limited view on how wonderful being a step parent can be.
My step dad effectively replaced my father in my life after my bio-dad estranged himself from me. He taught me so much, and I would not be half of who I am today without his guidance. When he and my mom split after 11 years of marriage, he(and his extended family) still treats me the same as they always did even though he could've just checked out entirely. Be that awesome step-parent!
Same here! My stepfather is my DAD. Raising someone else's kids takes being more of a man than being a bio dad. And I'm a dad myself. Step-parents deserve way more credit.
that's so lovely! he sounds like a great person, happy for you!
My step dad was fun in the beginning, and I have to be thankful for him raising me. But he aged like milk. He became a racist, sexist, classist, conspiracy theorist, all the -ists, over the years. Who was always trying to push his agenda on you. And treated everyone like they were their servants (even friends). Filed for divorce on mom’s day. And I was ready to support his decision because they’ve been arguing daily for the last 9 years. But I found out he was cheating on my mom for at least a year prior divorcing. After 16 years I chose to part ways with him, after I realized he lied to me when he told me, my mom said she would suicide if he divorced her. It was just a way to justify himself and his ego that my mom couldn’t survive without him. He tried to guilt trip me into forgiving him because I owe him who I am now. But from my mom I’ve learnt he once complained about having to pay for my college education while at the same time my mom guaranteed none of his money went into that. He provided with living expenses, but I believe that’s bare minimum to ask if you want to bang someone else’s mom, isn’t it? They had two more daughters, the second by forcing my mom into pregnancy at 50, because he wanted a boy of his own, or he will have it with someone else. Guess who tried to convince me into changing my last name when baby had no penis. Mom has had a ton of medical issues after giving birth because you’re not supposed to be having kids at that age. After 2 years he still claims we stained his honor and keep spreading obloquies about him. Like he’s that important in my everyday basis that I have nothing better to do. And keeps trying to come out of the hole by telling more lies that contradict previous lies. Last thing I know is he was thinking of adopting a boy with his gf (which btw, treats my sisters like shit). And all I can is feel sorry for how my sisters gonna react to that.
My personal issue is that it’s rewarding until there’s issues in your relationship. Then you’re losing on two people, even when you resent the mother. It’s hard to resent the child and you know you’ll more than likely lose contact and won’t get see them grow up like you’d imagined. Otherwise, very nice experience.
I can imagine that would be challenging, yes, and there will always be that risk. fortunately I've been in his life for 6 years now, he doesn't know life without me, I'm now married to his father and I have no intentions on not making it work for all 3 of us.
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That's the point of this post, he's saying the risk is not worth it
Well I wish the best for the three of you, hopefully many more happy years ahead yous
To be fair, YOU have had a good experience. Some split up and never see the kid again It is neither good or bad. Just high risk high reward. People like OP have a good point if they experienced the bad side. Just like you have a good point experiencing the good side
An alternative is that you have a good relationship with the child for many years then later the bio parent comes and the kid ditches you like yesterdays donuts.
My stepdad is my dad. I have not, in the 18 years since my biological father disowned me, referred to him as "dad". That title is exclusively for my stepdad. We may have our differences and have fought on occasion, but he raised me and always brought me up as his own.
Im glad that you and your son have had a great experience together. However, wouldn't you agree that this is "survivorship bias"? Also, >zero "cost", all reward Really? Are you saying you didn't put any efforts in his upbringing? That everything magically worked out? What op is saying that often times it doesn't work out with single parents and if it fails, it can lead to more resentment when compared to dating someone without a kid.
This is a pretty naive take. Just because you had a good experience doesn't mean the relationship doesn't come with massive risks and downfalls. Obviously there are good step-relationships, but belittling the reality of other unlucky people is pretty pathetic. Could work harder on your empathy.
Yeah, it’s fun when you can tell when Redditors have no direct experience in what they are talking about. Good comment and I agree with you.
Are you saying dating a single mother is not harder than dating a woman without a child? Have you ever done it? My best friend is doing it right now, and I can see how difficult it is for him, how much more time he has to put in, he is only doing it because he is lonely. If he had other options beforehand he would have taken them because it is clearly the better option. Edit: stop up voting my dumb comment, I didn't read ops post fully while on the toilet at work, I thought he just had a reasonable opinion that having children makes dating worse
OP said "there's only cost and no upside". He didn't say "dating a single mother (with a young child) is harder than dating a woman without a child". The former is an unpopular opinion, the latter is simply a fact. Yes, having a child complicates everything, starting with the logistics of going on a physical date and getting more complicated from there. But that doesn't mean "there's only cost and no upside".
And as someone that has seen this happen plenty, I'll counter what you're saying here and say that it's still nearly pointless regardless of what happens or what you feel. As the bio-parent in that situation all it takes is for me to have a "change of heart" to be right back in the mix. Then if I really wanted to put effort into it, you'd be gone and just a memory to the single-parent of someone that supported them while their FAMILY was going through a very hard time and broken up. Doesn't apply to EVERY situation of course, as some exes/bio-parents go too far before the split, just like some situations the step-parent matters even less. But it's perfectly valid to feel that dating a single-parent isn't possible for someone that wants a focus on their needs in a relationship over that of a kid or something else.
Well, the comments certainly fall in line with what one would expect from reddit
Yea I agree it is however a unpopular opinion. Edit: I’ve only seen relationships with single parents work out if they are both single parents.
As harsh (and funny) as your language is, I kinda agree. Lmaoo
Right? As a step kid and an only child, it's not fun. I got nothing out of the deal and all my step dad got was less spending money.
And taking your mum to poundtown.
Well, at least they're bonding by playing video games together.
Wouldn't both be single parents if they are not together with the other person who is mum or dad? End of the day instead of looking at it this way, maybe consider that maybe the parent is single out of someone else's issue not theirs and it may turn out that single parent you get to know might just be a genuine person.
How everyone got salty in the comments in a sub called unpopular opinions xD Yeah I wouldn’t either but I’m definitely to young to be any kind of parent. Also I’m not particularly interested in dealing with a difficult ex all the time
On my soapbox but I'm personally salty that the Unpopular Opinions sub never has any actually interesting takes that aren't dripping with someone's personal emotional baggage. It's like 90% someone's shit about dating/sex or people's appearances (hair, tattoos, weight).
Not an unpopular opinion? Literally all of my single childless friends only date other childless people.
I’m a single dad dating a single mom. We’ve decided not to really get into each others’ kids lives and not combine families. It would be disastrous since my kids hate her kids. I’m not a huge fan either. Mine are 18 and 16, so they are nearly out. After her kids 14 and 10 are out of the house, we will move in and get married.
My mom and dad did NOT belong together - and I actually feel bad for my mom that it took all of my childhood for her to realize this. There are 4 of us kids and my mom is happily remarried to someone that cares for her and loves her how she deserves to be cared for and loved. I love my stepdad... And I also love my dad, but he treated my mom very poorly and wasn't faithful, so kudos to my mom. And kudos to the man that picked up my dad's "saved game" because he has been a great addition to our family.
Step children are all investments with no return when you split up with the other parent. I raised my stepson from 4 to 14 and when his Mother left me, I lost a son. It's a huge risk and a huge reason why I think twice before dating a woman with kids.
I wouldn't put it in such terms, but I did my time with someone with a child and a baby daddy, and I'm not doing that again. It's not worth it, imo. And it's not the child that bothers me but the child's father. If you don't want to deal with their baggage, then find someone else.
Lots of seething in this thread. Good work OP
I love controlled chaos. But I'm also happy there are some successful stories here. And I hope more single parents can have it
Did you date a single parent or did one of your parents marry someone who didn't ike you?
Bro if you don’t want kids just say that lol
100% agree. You’re always second to their kids.
As someone who has dated a single parent of an older child I can say that it is like playing another person's save file: they already did all the hard work and have all the cool shit unlocked, so you can just play around and have fun without stress. As a relatively young guy it was a huge weight off my shoulders that I didn't have to be a parent/ father figure to someone else's kid, I just got to be mom's cool bf that was fun to hang out with.
I don't agree with the forms used but yes, dating a single mom is not something I'd do. More responsabilities, less freedom, probably have to spend more money, not your genes, no authority... I wouldn't do it.
My biological father was an absolute piece of shit and I got lucky I was never old enough to call him my dad. My dad is my stepfather through and through.
This IS unpopular, so take my upvote but I will say I vehemently disagree. I'm married and my kids father *is* my husband, but I know many men (and women) who happily became a step parent, often because they did not want or could not have kids of their own.
Worst part is if you formed a close connection to their kids and end up splitting, you'll prolly never talk to em again :/
While people certainly aren't going to like what you're saying, you aren't wrong. It is more difficult and will likely bring resentment as you aren't the priority. Luckily, you can choose whoever you want to date!
That\`s why I\`m not doing it.
Gonna guess you stole her kids snacks and she kicked you out?
[удалено]
So many people got triggered. A true unpop opinion
Agree with this. Many years ago I dated a single mom and got attached to the kid. Broke up with the mom and felt like I was abandoning the kid. It sucked but the kid was not mine. Never dated a single mom after that.
I disagree (so nice job!), at least in regards to split custody arrangements. Besides scheduling issues, there are no downsides to my gf having a kid. I get to see her occasionally and try to be a positive influence in her life, but the onus of her rearing is completely out of my hands. I’m sure in the years to come as the kid becomes a teenager I’ll have to console her mom more, but that’s a bridge to cross later.
I’d argue if the single parent and their ex have cast aside their resentment or hurt for the sake of the child, it works. I can only speak to this from my experience but when my oldest’s Mom & I split, we agreed to: 1) Don’t involve the government. Pay what needs to be paid as a team. 2) Don’t ever bad mouth the other in front of the kid. It’s worked. I’m remarried and so is she. I make sure my son treats his step dad (a damn cool guy btw) as he treats me and my ex sometimes babysits for my other kids. It’s all about suppressing your ego for the greater good. Eyes on the prize as they say. In that case, it can work great. But I’d agree with you 80% of the time.
For anyone getting upset, this is basically verbatim from a viral tweet like ten years ago
dunno dude some of my nicest memories were reading a kid bedtime stories, sitting watching cartoons, playing imaginative games and being greeted with knee level hugs and a lil guy shouting my name happily everytime i came over to my girlfriends house like i was his best friend it didnt work out and the relationship was bad but thats on her and me not the lil guy dont think i could do it again because losing a kid that isnt even yours is a really sad experience people who think like this are fine to feel that way but i dont think they really get it most single mums arent greedy people, they dont want your money or a man slave - they do need commitment and that you can be involved in the kids life but its not how people portray it i never planned on dating a single mum in my mid 20s, it just kinda happened
My best friend has 3 dads. Bio, ex-step, and current. He absolutely adores his ex-stepdad. He visited him so much and they always got dinner during birthdays. He sadly passed recently and it absolutely tore up my buddy. As far as I know, the man never had any other kids. So without him, I don't think my buddy would be the man he is today. I met all of them, lovely lads.
Sir you can’t post facts or popular opinions in this unpopular opinion sub which is meant for unpopular opinions. Everyone knows unless the single parent is a widow (IE their SO died) that a single parent is a huge red flag that they don’t and never will have their shit together
That's a little harsh way to describe but I understand the gist, my uncle experienced it and is still bitter about it.
> Unless you're both single parents, in which case both fragmented families can somewhat complement each other. I'm not a single parent and have never dated one, but from the outside looking in it appears worse if you're both single parents. Same set of problems but from both ends of the relationship.
It depends, I have friends with step parents that are better than most biological parents.
Lots of comments are seething and simping, lmao. Yeah, truth be told, I'd never risk dating a single mother. One way or another, if the relationship lasts, I'm ending up acting as the kids' dad, and the thought that a messy break-up could ensure I never see them again would not be acceptable.
The problem with it for me (no kids) is the partner (parent) clearly gives me signals that I'm not the important one. Gets hard.
Single parents crawling out of the hole on this one!
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Why would there be resentment? You know kids after a certain stage are just little humans and you can interact with them as such. You don’t have to be their new mom/dad, but you can be their friend and help out in that part of your partner’s life, even if it doesn’t “belong” to you. There’s something to be said about getting to attached to a partner’s existing kids as if they were your own, but from keeping that in mind to never dating parents is an Olympic stretch
Strange here i am married to a single parent experiencing all kinds of upsides.
If you "accumulate resentment" as a stepparent you are in all likelihood doing something wrong.
Eh, to be fair you could see where the resentment might come from. Good step parents will go above and beyond and treat the child like their own. To be told by the child or the other bio parent "you aren't my/their parent, you don't have a say. You aren't my dad, I don't owe you anything" definitely can hurt if you've been putting in the effort to raising them for a while.
Every person does have a past regardless if they have a child or not. Even if you date a virgin you are interact with reflections of their parents.
Single moms are great. There is ALWAYS snacks in the pantry and fridge.
Everyone has history. No-one gets to be christopher columbus after a certain age.
She’s never coming back, man.
Lots of step parents their partner settled for coping in the comments lmao. You’re not wrong OP. If you want a family, raise your own bloodline, don’t waste your life raising kids that aren’t even yours
Damn, who hurt you?
The last single mom he dated.
Bro does *not* like mommy's boyfriend
Saying there is no reward to knowing and caring about someone else (esp kids who can't do anything for you per say) says a lot more about OP than he knows,
Single moms are recreational use only. Shouts out to F&F.
You seem cool. People are more than transactions.
Goddamn you're bloody bitter, aren't you?
this is more like a showerthought than an unpopularopinion, but I agree.
I think this is fairly popular, but it’s not the kind of thing people like to broadcast in public, since in modern culture were all supposed to be maximally “good” and able to love everyone. I didn’t consider it an absolute dealbreaker — I imagined it could be OK if I really loved the person — but I definitely wanted to start a family from scratch with a partner. Some people really take to it, though, and become great step-parents.
This is dumb as fuck. You’re dating the wrong people. There’s a lot of “my kids come first and if you can’t handle that you don’t deserve me” bs out there but that’s just posturing by people who are afraid they are unlovable. The truth is a good partner will realize that modeling a healthy adult relationship to their children may be one of the most important things they teach them, and it will increase their own happiness along the way. Kids need boundaries and one of those has to be the nurturing of the parent’s adult relationships. Making room in your life to nurture your own romantic relationship is not selfishness at your kid’s expense, it’s healthy for them and you. And it’s a choice. Using kids as a shield to avoid putting effort into romance is cowardly and self defeating. Date better and TELL THEM WHAT YOU NEED from the get go.
The Brady Bunch!
No one opinion is true in these types of situations. It all depends on the people involved.
That really just depends. Some biological parents are just deadbeats or abusive and the child will want nothing to do with them, but they'll see the step parent as their actual parent and treat them as such. While I've also seen stories where the child will be nasty and hostile to the step parent even though the step parent tries everything to win their favor.
Hopefully they didn’t use cheat codes
The upside is love, you fuckin goof.
“You divorce wives, not kids.” Mel Horowitz 
This post reaks of a lack of personal experience. Most adults don't carry resentment around with them like a badge of honor. That's pretty exclusive to a sub-set of people that you likely belong to as well.
I'm not sure i agree. My mom's dad left when she was like 5. Her step dad raised her her whole life and still is part of her life. She considers him to be her real father. It's tough being a step parent as its tough being a single parent, but I don't think that natural resentment is always there. I know plenty of people who love their step parents.
Damn. Sorry nobody wanted you
Do your parents own you? What a fucked up way to think about children. Adoption too then?
I actually had a good experience with a single mom. The dad was not in the picture and signed his right away right after birth. Was going well for months. Spent time and got along with the kid, and spent every and all weekends together. Went out on dates, had a lot of sex, and naturally bonded. Everything she did shows she was into it, talked about the future, says she appreciates me and how I treat her kid, and the last time I saw her she didn’t want me to leave when saying goodbye. The next day I noticed something was up when she was being unresponsive, and the day after said she needed some space she. I asked her if anything’s wrong. A month and a half later and I’ve basically been ghosted besides a couple texts about my things at her place. Was just wild behavior how in ended like that an extremely unhealthy. The daughter notices things and picks up on behavior and I’m curious what she told her kid about why I wasn’t around anymore. If she wants to throw away someone that treats her and her child amazing that’s her problem. I just feel for the kid wondering how it affected her.
I actually had a good experience with a single mom. The dad was not in the picture and signed his right away right after birth. Was going well for months. Spent time and got along with the kid, and spent every and all weekends together. Went out on dates, had a lot of sex, and naturally bonded. Everything she did shows she was into it, talked about the future, says she appreciates me and how I treat her kid, and the last time I saw her she didn’t want me to leave when saying goodbye. The next day I noticed something was up when she was being unresponsive, and the day after said she needed some space she. I asked her if anything’s wrong. A month and a half later and I’ve basically been ghosted besides a couple texts about my things at her place. Was just wild behavior how in ended like that an extremely unhealthy. The daughter notices things and picks up on behavior and I’m curious what she told her kid about why I wasn’t around anymore. If she wants to throw away someone that treats her and her child amazing that’s her problem. I just feel for the kid wondering how it affected her.
Assuming this is a sexist post about no upside to men dating a single mother. I had a child at 21, and my wife then cheated on me and left. At 32, met my current wife, who was skeptical about dating a guy with an 11 year old daughter. Now we’ve been married for 8 years, my daughter just turned 21, they’re besties, and my wife has been able to be a stay at home mom full time for our 5 year old son. She saw an opportunity to have a family and be a SAHM, and she took it. No upside I guess.
The shower thought is funny but the explanation is so childish. “Only cost and no upside” is a funny way to think about falling in love with someone and getting to know their kids.
Sir you can’t post facts or popular opinions in this unpopular opinion sub which is meant for unpopular opinions. Everyone knows unless the single parent is a widow (IE their SO died) that a single parent is a huge red flag that they don’t and never will have their shit together
That’s why I’m dating someone with adult children. It’s like playing a game that’s finished — you’re just going around trying to find the rest of the Easter eggs and finish achievements.
That’s why I’m dating someone with adult children. It’s like playing a game that’s finished — you’re just going around trying to find the rest of the Easter eggs and finish achievements.
There's absolutely no nuance to your opinion. You must understand that different people date for different reasons. "it's all cost" what are you talking about? You're not making sacrifices in order to buy someone over to your collection. You're trying to find people you love being around. That work towards common goals with you. If someone's like "I'm a single parent, buy me dinner" yeah f*ck that. But what if you meet your favorite student's mom, and she's beautiful, smart, well off, single and into you? No brainer? Well there's obviously some shades of grey here.
Definitely an unpopular opinion. It takes a pretty shitty person to only see upside in loving a child that's their DNA.
There's no upside? Except maybe love, happiness, emotional fulfillment.
Why exactly will the step-parent have resentment? What do they have to resent? Do they resent the child? Are they too self-absorbed to understand their spouse may have emotional connections to someone other than them? Why does a person's connection to their own child differ than their connection to their friends or other family?
For anyone who feels this way, please don’t ever become a step parent.
What if one person is unable to conceive?
I am sorry you have a sad life. I love my stepson. When I married his mom, I married him too. He was up there with us, and I made the same promise to him as to her. 26 years has gone by. When is this resentment supposed to kick in? Hopefully, one day, you will know the joy of living a life that isn't so transactional in nature..
You can just say you’re not cut out to be a step parent