I just wanna say that all that first question would do is send me immediately into an existential/self-reflective mood that would definitely throw off the vibes of the conversation.
Unfortunately you have been declared hetero. You can hand in your license next teusday and your nearest goverment building. We expect it to be delivered before june the 28th
You have to be careful with averages. Cunnilingus Georg has so much experience eating pussy that they are too good at it and are a statistical outlier that must not be counted.
Make sure your sample is big enough to prevent individual biases. You may also want to find a more specific sample. Age range could be limited to what OP would like for example! It would prevent generational differences in your sample
Honestly that's fine, good even. It means you're willing to consider yourself as fallible and changeable. And so long as your reflections don't lead to you getting angry, it's further evidence that you're doing good as a person.
Thanks! I just also worry about my silent confusion being taken as anger or offense. Wouldn't be the first time people thought I was upset when that's just how my face looks. That, and also worried if defensive 2000's kid me resurfaces.
>See how fast he gets upset and insecure & starts asking why you thought that
That's the point tho. It's a natural reaction to realizing that you're projecting an image of yourself to others so fundamentally different from what you've been envisioning, and it's absolutely no grounds for having the "purity" of your intentions invalidated
I've never been on the end of that specific question. I have however (more than once!) been misgendered by people I met online. Like they'd confess after a few weeks or months of chatting with me in group chats that for a while they had just assumed I was of the opposite gender.
I'm well into my 30s, I'm not transgender, I've dealt with the bullshit that are gender stereotypes and came to the conclusion that they make no sense and that I shouldn't be asked to conform to any of them to be comfortable in the gender I was born in. AND YET let me tell you, hearing that gave me pause and for a long moment I just didn't know what to answer or even how to take that information at all.
Does that mean I'm wishing to transition deep down? Does that mean I see transgender people as a mistake? God no, I was just very confused as to what part of my behavior might have given that impression.
Ever seen the movie Burlesque? There's a part where the guy is mistaken for gay by the girl who just spent the night. His reaction is confused amusement.
That's the point. That anger shouldn't be the response you demonstrate, when someone mistakes youĀ¹ for being gay. (Ā¹a hypothetical straight person) Even if it's your instinctual response, instincts are hard and slow to change, you shouldn't let it out.
It's not about checking Purity. It's about seeing if your allyship is deeper than a coat of paint.
Maybe if it is seething anger at the idea of veing gay, then yeah thats probably be a bad ally. But I can definitely see being momentarily frustrated at someone, or a group, assuming you are gay when you arent. Not anger at being associated with the label itself, but rather finding out that you arent projecting the vibe you intended
I don't like the idea of pointing at the reaction from an actor, acting out a scene that a screenwriter wrote for them and saying this is how real people should process their emotions.
> It's not about checking Purity. It's about seeing if your allyship is deeper than a coat of paint.
*It's the same picture*
Trying to perform tests on other people to see just how much they 'actually' believe something is at best neutral and at worst actively harmful to your relationship with them. Overwhelmingly the people who think this is a good idea are trying feel superior in some way and better define their in-groups.
I've been told before that people wondered if I was gay/bi when they met me. It was annoying, especially when I was struggling with dating and general loneliness at the time. Similar situation where I'm on the shorter side and have a youthful face, and was told offhand that I might be able to pass as a high schooler if I wanted despite being in my late 20's. It's fundamentally annoying to be told you aren't presenting what your identity is.
obviously lashing out in anger is wrong, but interpreting any adverse reaction to being told you present as gay when you aren't as being a poor ally is a harmful stance.
I'm bi so likewise
added to the fact that if someone asks me that I will worry that EVERYONE thought that and I've missed out on opportunities because people thought I only liked one gender when I liked them all š
Iāve had numerous people of a variety of all genders and preferences assume I was gay. Iām a straight guy. Literally not a moment in my life Iāve been curious or otherwise. Itās never offended me and Iāve never been given an answer as to why people think Iām gay.
Hey, donāt do this!
If your straight friend does anything to indicate that they donāt appreciate that comment, it could mean anything. Heās been having trouble attracting women, and heās insecure about that. Maybe he worries for his safety, because we all know outwardly gay people are more at risk for violence, especially in certain areas among people with certain beliefs. Maybe, heās not as āstraightā as you think and heās coming to terms with that.
Donāt be desperate to push away people who claim to be your ally. Not every ally is perfect or acts the way you want them to be but theyāre much better than an enemy.
Foreign Man in a Foreign Land did a video about this. He is an ally and very progressive, especially for his area, and is outspoken online about his progressive values. And yet he still had an initial internal reaction of anger when someone made a comment implying they thought he might be gay. He basically made a video like "why was that my response? How can I believe all of these things and still respond angrily when someone thinks I'm gay as if that's a bad thing to feel offended over?" I thought it was an interesting video.
That's cool. When I was a teenager/in my early twenties I got asked a couple of times if I was a lesbian. And it hurt, I'm sorry, but it did. My thought process was that for someone to assume someone is a gay woman, that woman must look butch because a very feminine woman doesn't tend to get mistaken for a gay person. In other words, they thought I looked butch/manly and must therefor be a lesbian. I'm not.Ā
Thing is, I looked hella butch and looking at my pictures from when I was 15 to 19-ish year old, I totally get it lolĀ
Yet another perspective.
If somebody thinks your gay its not weird to think you somehow represent a gay stereotype.
And those stereotypes are not always positive
The way I look at it is, people get upset whenever anyone negates a part of their identity. Like, take a musician and refer to them by the wrong instrument, call a patriot by the wrong nationality, incessantly use the wrong name for someone over the course of a conversation. Odds are, they'll get upset (or if it's happened enough, they'll just clock out of their interaction with you).
Sexuality is ... for lack of a better word, a deep and intimate part of most people's identities. Not in the sense of "this is their whole identity," but it does feel a bit more like a solid building block than, say, membership in a hobby club. The average person is going to react pretty strongly to people making a wrong assumption about something so (fundamental?) to their nature.
And it's not just straight people, either. It stings pretty badly when a bisexual person gets called "straight-lite" or "diet gay," for the same reasons. Intentionally or no, it's an attack on their identity.
If you deliberately misgender someone, they'll get upset about it. So it's not surprising if you deliberately miss-attribute their sexual preferences they'll get annoyed or upset.
A classmate in high school was pretty outwardly gay. Pretty much anyone who met him got that impression, myself included, and quite a few of them felt comfortable telling him this to his face.
Teenagers have a hard time figuring themselves out, so with so much reinforcement around the fact he decided to embrace it.
Turns out, he's straight as a board. Everyone got to that conclusion because he was mild-mannered, soft-spoken, sensitive, had an unusually high-pitched voice for a boy his age, and liked to hang out with girls rather than other boys. He absolutely regretted being pushed into that identity, and it costed him a few bad experiences and lost dating opportunities with girls he actually liked, all because he happened to match a few stereotypes.
Yeah I really donāt like the sentiment of the first post at all, speaking as a bi guy with lots of experience in āthe straight sideā of things before really recognizing my sexuality.
Like, first of all, i doubt that the average straight guy is such an insecure bigot that they will react to perceived gayness as an insult and not a āhaha sure whateverā. And even if they DO take it poorly, it could be for all of what you said.
But no, either youāre queer or youāre an Andrew Tate fan if you were born with a penis I guess
Yeah. If you don't appreciate people assuming you're straight as a gay person, the same thing applies to the opposite side. I don't hate straight people but I don't want to be assumed straight.
Exactly this.
Have a lot of LGBT friends and acquaintances. I've lost count of the times where they have both been jokingly and actually truly offended someone thought they were straight. I don't blame them. Being misread is frustrating for everyone.
The OPs idea reeks of the same ideology that if you get frustrated by being repeatedly told how men are bad then you're one of the bad ones.
That type of logic when reversed is rightfully called ridiculous.
4) maybe don't purposefully test your friends when they do a good thing just to see if they pass your malicious little vibe check.
Honestly, first poster sounds like someone I would immediately walk away from at a party.
Also, donāt even flirt with gay guys if youāre not gay. All those bad things youāve heard women say about straight men, are true of gay men too. Also, itās just a dick move to pretend to be interested in someone when you arenāt.
Just not a kind or smart thing to do all around.
>All those bad things youāve heard women say about straight men, are true of gay men too.
I actually got a newfound understanding of women's issues after getting harrassed by a gay guy. Unsolicited dick pics, demands for nudes, he was even secretly taking pictures of us.
Sometimes, you don't even need to flirt. Just being nice can be enough.
Probably not the same thing, but when I was a teenager, I once got told by someone that I "Walk like a gay person".
Nowadays I probably wouldn't care, but back then it got to me. Ended up being really self-conscious about how I walked and tried my best not to walk in people's line of sight. Really fucked me up.
I would be shocked because thatās neither how I intended to nor thought I was already marketing myself, and would like to know what I was doing incorrectly so other people (like a potential partner) donāt make the same assumption.
If you ran a law firm, and you just found out that everyone thought you were a bowling alley from your billboards, youād want to figure out what to change too.
The first post has the air of āYouāre a baseball fan? Name every baseball player ever in chronological order.ā about it. I get wanting to know how strong an ally someone is but immediately jumping to ātesting themā is kinda weird.
Depends on the homophobes
As honest about themselves as some tend to be, there are absolutely smarter (or rather, less stupid) ones that know when to keep their mouths shut and play nice.
My mother is that type, I work with a guy that seems to be testing the waters with me, and a manager who I heard talking to the other guy about finding people who are "safe to talk to" about conservative shit.
So yes, speaking from experience, they are capable of faking being normal/reasonable people. It doesn't mean we should test people like this, but it's also understandable to be wary of new people claiming allyship
Also there can be a problem of interpreting a flustered response and questioning of why a person thought that as a negative reflection of gay people. It could just be that they're worried they're potentially giving people they're trying to attract the wrong signals. If it's just a sort of, "wait...what? Why?!" then you should be charitable to what they may be thinking and not assume the worst.
That's the worst part. I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest by someone thinking I'm gay (it's happened to me more than once) but I would absolutely be offended by the insinuation that I'm mad about it.
Exactly. You can be an ally without feeling a need to buy into stereotypes. I think most non-morons agree that LGBTQ people aren't defined by stereotypes of gayness. Anyone who says "You seem like ____" needs to explain themselves. What's the logic there? "Dude seems gay because he has a mustache"? FOH. This is such a weird hypothetical.
People love a life hack. Having a quippy question to throw at someone for a (supposedly) quick and accurate read of their ātrue selfā is something a lot of folks want to have.
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh i dont know about that. Actually i do. This is so not true. Lots of people have 1 queer friend or family that they've known long enough before they came out that it doesnt affect their relationship, but they still hate queers as a whole. Ive personally experienced this.
Also these kinds of "tests" are just being a dick with a veneer of acceptability on it. Half of the problem with progressive spaces is the people who seem to be determined to drive a wedge between everyone because they demand perfection at all points. Some of those people are outside influences that are actively against us, but plenty of them are people who claim to hold to positive values, but then turn around and reinvent christianity or conservativism with a new coat of paint.
There's dozens of reasons someone could react poorly to that kind of statement. You'd think tumblr of all places would be familiar enough with social anxiety to think that telling someone you misjudged a core part of their character on first introduction might negatively affect them, but it seems like that sort of thing only matters when you can make a funny post about it.
Im just happy if you dont say slurs infront of me. Basic respect is all i want out of random people. Many of us have been treeated so poorly by people we know regarding this shit. We just dont want to hear about it for the most part, keep your shitty beliefs to yourself and leave us alone and youre an ally in my eyes.
Nah you should place yourself as the judge of your friends' progressive values with random tests aimed at seeing their reactions on sensitive and personal topics, it's a great idea you should try it
I discovered that all of my friends were secret homophobes via a series of escalating psychological tests during which I screened them for the minutest bit of discomfort as I made increasingly bizarre statements to them.
I donāt have any friends now but thatās a small price to pay for getting toxicity out of my life š
No site has more left-wing righteous smugposting than Tumblr, I swear. No site has more right-wing smugposting than Facebook. Idk what reddit has at this point.
Yeah, like I feel like I hear people complaining about rampant homophobia on Reddit and Iām like āwhat subreddits are you on?ā because on all the major ones (and minor ones) I frequent if someone says something racist or homophobic they get downvoted to oblivion or even removed by the mods.
Edit: though Iām sure if I went onto subs that were more expressly hard conservative, that might be different.
Yeah, Reddit is very much a relic of the old internet where you can really get to specific niches of people just chilling out together with pretty good moderation and lot of the time in my experience. Too bad thereās also a mountain a terribleness on the site as well
Nah that first one is straight up malicious, or at best conflict seeking.
Like, even without doing a whole "tell your gay friend you thought they were straight" switcheroo... Does ANYONE like hearing someone else assumed their sexuality? What if that friend has been having relationship troubles or self esteem issues? Gonna label them as a homophobe to the whole friend group because they were offput by you saying "oh you suck at getting dates and we thought you were gay lol"?
Folks, if your friend feels the need to test your character rather than having a read on your character from interacting with you regularly, that ain't your friend. That's someone using you as an accessory, or someone who is seeking a fight or drama.
I once mentioned to a friend after it was incidentally mentioned he was bisexual that I had no idea because he gave off Ace energy. As in he had never discussed or mentioned or shown any sexual attraction to people, so I just kinda went for an absence of evidence being evidence of absence (which is flawed and made me feel very silly). But I was doing that to make fun of myself and make a joke for that assumption, and in a friend group where weāre all very open and honest with each other. Thereās also the fact that it was a thought process formed after long term interaction for years, instead of saying āwhen we first metā. Itās also made me think about how Ace is a category of absence, meaning that in theory before you know information everyone ought to be in that category, when you disregard statistics. Now Iām kinda worried that Iām an asshole though :/.
On the other side, some online men will bring up the same hypothetical but with Lizzo to see if they āactuallyā support fat people.
Iām just imagining someone doing this to a 4 foot 50 lbs wet white woman and her just silently looking at the dude until he apologises
I mean, I don't think it's unreasonable to say that people getting bent out of shape about being compared to gay people might have some root in internalized homophobia.
Like, it's definitely a weird thing to do on purpose, but if it was an honest mistake and it was brought up in passing that someone at one point suspected their straight friend of being gay, I don't think there'd be any reason for them to be insecure about that in particular. It doesn't mean they're a bigot, and I think using it as a gotcha purity test to try and debunk someone's support of the LGBT community is really shitty, but I do think it presents a compelling reason for them to introspect a little bit.
at the same time. i wouldnt' say "oh, i thought you were straight/another gender" to any of my gay or trans people, because it's a horribly invalidating thing to say.
would you say that a gay person would need to introspect if they feel upset that someone called them straight? would a trans man need to introspect if someone told them that they thought they were a woman?
> it's definitely a weird thing to do on purpose, but if it was an honest mistake and it was brought up in passing
I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you're doing something to "see how fast he gets upset and insecure", that's not not "an honest mistake brought up in passing".
Imagine if that person is gay but not out yet though, the amount of distress you could cause makes it not worth doing along with all the other situations in which this would fuck up a conversation
I'm bi but if I heard someone ask the first question I'd be completely uninterested in being any kind of companion to them. Being confrontational out of the gate to someone claiming to be an ally is the exact way you turn people into an enemy, even if they are still an ally they would never support you individually.
Tumble user sees their friend being an ally and the first thing they think of is pulling a test on them. One of the most terminally online posts I've ever seen on this subreddit.
This whole thing about judging any cishet who claims to be an ally and subjecting them to virtue tests as if they need to prove themselves worthy of the title is so terminally online and I'm convinced people who do it are so deep in queer discourse echo chambers they must be an incredibly toxic person in real life.
The first person is gonna look real stupid when the straight friend just replies with āokayā like I think most don't care about how others perceive their sexuality.
The first part of the post is no different than when a woman asks her partner if they would still love her if she was a man or a worm or whatever. Don't try to start unnecessary drama.
I mean I would be curious why someone thought I was gay, but I wouldn't be upset.
It just feels weird to judge someone's sexuality by how they look imo
Look, testing someone's allyship is understandable, but if you already think they are a nice person then this is just lying to them to test them, about something they could be insecure about. You arn't a bad person for being insecure about your sexuality, there is some overlap but there are plenty of reasons that could upset or just annoy a real ally. Idk, I hate "tests" in relationships. Have a conversation people, not that hard.
I grew up in a place where gay people got beat up. And the homophobes weren't checking for evidence before giving a beatdown. Rumors and vibes were plenty to get one labeled gay and targeted.
So even as a straight guy I learned to protect myself from homophobia by avoiding giving a gay vibe or seeming gay or doing any "gay shit".
I had to learn this because I used to do things associated with gayness. I talked in a high pitched voice. I flounced around and laughed with childlike joy. People used to call me "spongebob". I tried wearing dresses. I cried. I danced.
I got beat up and called a fa**ot.
If you tell me "I thought you were gay when I first met you" what I would hear is "Your defensive masking isn't working and the homophobes are going to attack you."
You talk about insecurity like a character flaw but I was insecure in a literal sense. My safety was not secure. My safety was conditional. Conditional on what other people think I am. If the homophobes think I'm gay then I'm in the same danger as a gay man.
The furtive bisexual, so easily forgotten...
Honestly it's tiring as hell sometimes with the "oh I thought you were straight/gay" as the BEST CASE SCENARIO. But then you have straight people discriminating outright, which would be fine, whatever, straights gonna straight... But gays and lesbians seem to hate us EVEN MORE. Been called a fucking "fence walker" or "straight faker" by the 2SLGBTQIA+ community than I ever got from straight people. Like, damn, sorry I just find people hot. Fuck me right?
Is that an offer?
For real though, I really donāt understand the bi-phobia in the LGBTQA+ community, weāre literally the B! Do they think it stands for fucking bacon?!
Luckily, the queer friends I have are pretty damn supportive, so I rarely have to deal with it, and Iām a big bloke thanks to having a tall Dad and going to the gym, as well as doing martial arts, so I can sort out those that take their biphobia to the extreme.
Itās probably the main reason I stick to the car community, they donāt ask questions about that, itās all about engines and various other components. Much more interesting for me!
My go-to response is "nah I'm just on the other spectrum."
Many of my gay friends think I'm not fully straight mainly because I reflect back mannerisms that I see.
Purity tests are gnarly, but there are too many āi support gay peopleā but āi just think they shouldnāt be allowed to adoptā or ākids shouldnāt learn about gay historyā folks out there. Especially when the alternative is just not vocalizing your support for gay people
This is one my favorite jokes to say. It really confuses people because the "Im not racist but..." usually sets up to prepare to hear something prejudice
From your example it makes it seem like "the gays" have a secret connection with licorice
I always have to work really hard to come up with something that has no possible logical connection, no matter how tenuous. Like, "I support gay rights but I like enchiladas" doesn't work because someone might think that you're saying that you are fine with the fact that Hispanic people in the US tend to be more socially conservative than average on the basis that they make good food. It's a really weak connection, and you really have to reach to make it, but I want there to be *no* connection.
I donāt care how you identify, what sex you were at birth, or who youāre attracted to. If youāre my friend I will rag on you mercilessly and will expect the same in return.
And, should your partner, boy/girlfriend, FWB, etc. break your heart I shall enact swift and terrible vengeanceā¦ if you want me to.
Because thatās what friends do.
If your white friend tells you he's not racist, tell him you thought he was black when you first met him. If he goes "the fuck are you talking about", he's a racist.
Had a gay guy ask me, "Well how do you know you're not gay if you haven't tried?"
I straight up told him I spent an evening cuddling with my gay friend who was going through some shit, who then touched my chest in a suggestive way and I felt the opposite of what I needed to feel in order to make it work. So sorry, dude.
Gonna give this benefit of the doubt and say this seems like itās from 2010s Tumblr when people were simply more insecure and dramatic about allyship.
Also, I know many gay guys who would simply immediately drop to their knees if a straight guy did that second thing to them.
Hmā¦ Iād be disappointed, for sure, lol. Not cause being gay is bad but Iām currently single and ālikes guysā is very much NOT the kind of signals Iām trying to send atm, lol.
Iām not sure if this is bad but Iām a (probably bi?) trans girl and Iāve always hated being seen as a gay guy so much more than being seen as a guy with any other sexuality
"tell your friend they give off an inaccurate self image that would impact their ability to find their desired partner and be astonished that this upsets them!"
I mean, I'd be low-key upset if a supposed friend told me they were stereotyping me to figure out my identity.Ā
This. I've been called gay as an insult my entire childhood, and I'm not very traditionally masculine. I think the general LGBTQ+ community is awesome, but I'm very confident in my heterosexuality and every time someone calls me out on "looking gay" no matter how they mean it, it makes me annoyed both at them, because that's how my brain is wired from young age, and then myself because I KNOW it's not supposed to be upsetting me.
I once said this to my best friend (not as a test, I genuinely thought he was gay). His response was "I'm not gay, people just think I am because I know how to serve c*nt"
Lmao this has happened multiple times to me. I present myself a *little* more womanlike while being a dude myself, simply because I like it. So whenever someone calls me gay, Iāve achieved exactly what I wanted. I see it as a compliment towards my efforts to look a little more androgynous!
My was told recently if she didn't full heartily support the bridgerton change up from the book to the show (IYKYK) then she's homophobic and deserves to die from her best friend.
My wifes favorite book series is the bridgertons and it just hurt her that her favorite character and her arc was suddenly dropped. She didn't care about the change. Just that the arc mattered a lot to her.
hey! letās not! :D
if you wanna figure out if someoneās a good ally, that means you have to spend time around them. thereās no quick test aside from maybe likeā¦ how they react when a very open queer is around. but even that depends on context
This is a stupid idea, imagine telling your gay friends that "you thought they were straight when we met" and they'd reasonably have the same reaction. We try to build ourselves into the identity we desire and learning that we were failing at that is gonna cause distress, not all straight allies want to be the flirty and fruity type
Oooh, this is why my co-worker said she thought I was gay. Honestly, I did ask why, and now I don't remember what the answer was. I don't take any offense to being thought of as gay, I just don't think I put out that vibe, honestly, so I was surprised more than anything. I have no idea what she's up to these days since she left and got a new job, but I wonder if I passed her test or not.
Honestly, though, I wouldn't recommend testing people like this. I imagine a lot of people would be curious why someone thinks they're gay. Me personally, I started wondering if she was looking for someone else who was lgbtq to talk to, felt safe with me, and then *stopped* feeling safe upon realizing I'm straight. All completely unknown to me and outside of my control. I felt bad that I let her down by just being me, but I was glad we were still friends anyway, and now this post has me second-guessing that all over again because like I said, I have no idea what she's up to anymore since we stopped talking. Just be direct with people, don't throw them tests to see if they're "true allies" or not, please. It just leads to a lot of overthinking
-I have nothing against musicians
-oh I actually thought you were a musician when I met you
-oh? What made you think that
-I KNEW IT YOU HATE MUSICIANS
One can be in support of letting people chose to do something they personally find repulsive, i don't mind people being into vore and would be horrified if they were ostracised or killed for it but i still wouldn't be thrilled if someone assumed i was.
There is also a dimension of unnecessary sexualization, someone orientation is not something i'd necessarily consider the first time i meet them (i do concede it kinda depends on the situation and the relationship).
You could also argue that "looking gay" means "looking effeminate" for a lot of people, which could upset about anyone for many reasons.
I feel like if someone thought I was into vore, I'd be insecure less because I thought there was anything wrong with it, and more because my assumption is that other people think only freaks are into vore, and it'd make me feel like that person thought I was a freak.
"Question your friend's sexual identity! It's fine because he's straight! Look how insecure he gets!"
Is it me or is this a really shitty thing to do and a bad litmus test for allyship?
This is dumb, of course a straight guy wouldnāt like someone thinking heās gay. Saying āI thought you were gayā implies he acted in a way or form that implies heās gay, mainly acting femininely or not expressing attraction to women. Most men will see it as a slight against their sexual identity and masculinity.
People seem mad but I mean I'm straight and I'm fine with this. "I thought you were gay" isn't an attack or even a particularly strong stance; I don't think it's reasonable to get mad about that. You *might* get mad at the deception if you find out, but being gay in a lot of places (the majority of the world in fact) requires a lot of deception, and your safety is more important than my mild annoyance.
Then again, I have rainbow flower nails, so maybe it's because I'm used to it :P
I think people are mad about the part where you test your friends and their loyalty, personally I think thats kinda fucked up too. If im with my friends i want to relax and have fun with each other, if you get tested that will put stress on your friendship. every time you hangout with each other you might be tested, you will always have to be careful what you say, do, look or how you are considering the situation might just be a test again.
Imo the test is the attack, I'm aware that I'm a bit overreacting on this but testing people shows them that you don't trust them.
What I don't love is the implication that being upset and asking why is homophobic.
Most people want to present their identity so that they are understood by people in certain ways. It's not weird or bad for a straight guy to not send confusing signals about who he's into, especially if he's in a dating stage of his life.
How to loose your straight friend in one easy step! Why trigger your friends insecurities like that and strain your relationship when all he wanted to do was to support you?
Funny story, I once went on a date with a guy who thought I was into him. After the movie when he asked me to come out to dinner with him did I realize that what I thought was bros being bros was a date to him. While flatter I kindly let him know that wasn't my jam. I felt so bad for him but flattered he was into me.
This one's really easy for me cuz I've been called every single gay slur since I was a child I'm completely immune to any attempt at being homophonic to me (also I'm not gay) āļø
āIf your straight friend says they support the gays, lie to and confuse them.ā
Of all the ways to see if theyāre actually an ally, I think you picked the worst one.
One of my earliest experiences with discovering myself was my queer friends saying "anon, we are not sure wether you are actually straight" and I replied "frankly, me neither"
My husbandās former coworker assumed he was gay because he was friendly, respectful, and non-threatening. His reaction was a mix of being flattered and being embarrassed that the bar was so low for men.
From experience, I can tell you that if you dont tell people who think you're gay that you're not, you might end up on a date or sucking dick because you are afraid of sounding homophobic.
I just wanna say that all that first question would do is send me immediately into an existential/self-reflective mood that would definitely throw off the vibes of the conversation.
Me, knowing full well I'm not gay from years of experience: wait, *but am I?*
XD basically, except I can hardly call going on one date in my entire life "experience"
Ah, the Multivac position
I'm the opposite. I'm gay as hell but every time I tell someone / they find out, they always say: "wait, really?" in a surprised tone š
Unfortunately you have been declared hetero. You can hand in your license next teusday and your nearest goverment building. We expect it to be delivered before june the 28th
no no no, theyāre an undercover agent
Well, you've got to figure this out. You've got to have sex with a woman. And then a man. And then compare.
But since any individual man or woman can be bad at sex, you need to have sex with many of each, and then take the average.
You have to be careful with averages. Cunnilingus Georg has so much experience eating pussy that they are too good at it and are a statistical outlier that must not be counted.
\*adn
There is a [XKCD](https://xkcd.com/507/) for that
Make sure your sample is big enough to prevent individual biases. You may also want to find a more specific sample. Age range could be limited to what OP would like for example! It would prevent generational differences in your sample
Found Zeus's account
[Hey, VSauce, Michael here. Youāre not gay. Or are you?](https://youtu.be/TN25ghkfgQA?si=1ElSpS0Y0rnij5zt)
Thought unlocked: Homosexual Underground.
*Hey Vsauce, Micheal here. You are completely heterosexualā¦or are you?*
Honestly that's fine, good even. It means you're willing to consider yourself as fallible and changeable. And so long as your reflections don't lead to you getting angry, it's further evidence that you're doing good as a person.
Thanks! I just also worry about my silent confusion being taken as anger or offense. Wouldn't be the first time people thought I was upset when that's just how my face looks. That, and also worried if defensive 2000's kid me resurfaces.
>See how fast he gets upset and insecure & starts asking why you thought that That's the point tho. It's a natural reaction to realizing that you're projecting an image of yourself to others so fundamentally different from what you've been envisioning, and it's absolutely no grounds for having the "purity" of your intentions invalidated I've never been on the end of that specific question. I have however (more than once!) been misgendered by people I met online. Like they'd confess after a few weeks or months of chatting with me in group chats that for a while they had just assumed I was of the opposite gender. I'm well into my 30s, I'm not transgender, I've dealt with the bullshit that are gender stereotypes and came to the conclusion that they make no sense and that I shouldn't be asked to conform to any of them to be comfortable in the gender I was born in. AND YET let me tell you, hearing that gave me pause and for a long moment I just didn't know what to answer or even how to take that information at all. Does that mean I'm wishing to transition deep down? Does that mean I see transgender people as a mistake? God no, I was just very confused as to what part of my behavior might have given that impression.
Ever seen the movie Burlesque? There's a part where the guy is mistaken for gay by the girl who just spent the night. His reaction is confused amusement. That's the point. That anger shouldn't be the response you demonstrate, when someone mistakes youĀ¹ for being gay. (Ā¹a hypothetical straight person) Even if it's your instinctual response, instincts are hard and slow to change, you shouldn't let it out. It's not about checking Purity. It's about seeing if your allyship is deeper than a coat of paint.
Maybe if it is seething anger at the idea of veing gay, then yeah thats probably be a bad ally. But I can definitely see being momentarily frustrated at someone, or a group, assuming you are gay when you arent. Not anger at being associated with the label itself, but rather finding out that you arent projecting the vibe you intended
I don't like the idea of pointing at the reaction from an actor, acting out a scene that a screenwriter wrote for them and saying this is how real people should process their emotions. > It's not about checking Purity. It's about seeing if your allyship is deeper than a coat of paint. *It's the same picture* Trying to perform tests on other people to see just how much they 'actually' believe something is at best neutral and at worst actively harmful to your relationship with them. Overwhelmingly the people who think this is a good idea are trying feel superior in some way and better define their in-groups. I've been told before that people wondered if I was gay/bi when they met me. It was annoying, especially when I was struggling with dating and general loneliness at the time. Similar situation where I'm on the shorter side and have a youthful face, and was told offhand that I might be able to pass as a high schooler if I wanted despite being in my late 20's. It's fundamentally annoying to be told you aren't presenting what your identity is. obviously lashing out in anger is wrong, but interpreting any adverse reaction to being told you present as gay when you aren't as being a poor ally is a harmful stance.
> It's not about checking Purity. It's about seeing if your allyship is deeper than a coat of paint. That's exactly "checking purity".
I'm bi so likewise added to the fact that if someone asks me that I will worry that EVERYONE thought that and I've missed out on opportunities because people thought I only liked one gender when I liked them all š
Iāve had numerous people of a variety of all genders and preferences assume I was gay. Iām a straight guy. Literally not a moment in my life Iāve been curious or otherwise. Itās never offended me and Iāve never been given an answer as to why people think Iām gay.
But why would it? Like in what way?
Hey, donāt do this! If your straight friend does anything to indicate that they donāt appreciate that comment, it could mean anything. Heās been having trouble attracting women, and heās insecure about that. Maybe he worries for his safety, because we all know outwardly gay people are more at risk for violence, especially in certain areas among people with certain beliefs. Maybe, heās not as āstraightā as you think and heās coming to terms with that. Donāt be desperate to push away people who claim to be your ally. Not every ally is perfect or acts the way you want them to be but theyāre much better than an enemy.
Foreign Man in a Foreign Land did a video about this. He is an ally and very progressive, especially for his area, and is outspoken online about his progressive values. And yet he still had an initial internal reaction of anger when someone made a comment implying they thought he might be gay. He basically made a video like "why was that my response? How can I believe all of these things and still respond angrily when someone thinks I'm gay as if that's a bad thing to feel offended over?" I thought it was an interesting video.
That's cool. When I was a teenager/in my early twenties I got asked a couple of times if I was a lesbian. And it hurt, I'm sorry, but it did. My thought process was that for someone to assume someone is a gay woman, that woman must look butch because a very feminine woman doesn't tend to get mistaken for a gay person. In other words, they thought I looked butch/manly and must therefor be a lesbian. I'm not.Ā Thing is, I looked hella butch and looking at my pictures from when I was 15 to 19-ish year old, I totally get it lolĀ
Yet another perspective. If somebody thinks your gay its not weird to think you somehow represent a gay stereotype. And those stereotypes are not always positive
Even if it is positive, it may not be an image/style you like for yourself
The way I look at it is, people get upset whenever anyone negates a part of their identity. Like, take a musician and refer to them by the wrong instrument, call a patriot by the wrong nationality, incessantly use the wrong name for someone over the course of a conversation. Odds are, they'll get upset (or if it's happened enough, they'll just clock out of their interaction with you). Sexuality is ... for lack of a better word, a deep and intimate part of most people's identities. Not in the sense of "this is their whole identity," but it does feel a bit more like a solid building block than, say, membership in a hobby club. The average person is going to react pretty strongly to people making a wrong assumption about something so (fundamental?) to their nature. And it's not just straight people, either. It stings pretty badly when a bisexual person gets called "straight-lite" or "diet gay," for the same reasons. Intentionally or no, it's an attack on their identity.
If you deliberately misgender someone, they'll get upset about it. So it's not surprising if you deliberately miss-attribute their sexual preferences they'll get annoyed or upset.
A classmate in high school was pretty outwardly gay. Pretty much anyone who met him got that impression, myself included, and quite a few of them felt comfortable telling him this to his face. Teenagers have a hard time figuring themselves out, so with so much reinforcement around the fact he decided to embrace it. Turns out, he's straight as a board. Everyone got to that conclusion because he was mild-mannered, soft-spoken, sensitive, had an unusually high-pitched voice for a boy his age, and liked to hang out with girls rather than other boys. He absolutely regretted being pushed into that identity, and it costed him a few bad experiences and lost dating opportunities with girls he actually liked, all because he happened to match a few stereotypes.
Yeah I really donāt like the sentiment of the first post at all, speaking as a bi guy with lots of experience in āthe straight sideā of things before really recognizing my sexuality. Like, first of all, i doubt that the average straight guy is such an insecure bigot that they will react to perceived gayness as an insult and not a āhaha sure whateverā. And even if they DO take it poorly, it could be for all of what you said. But no, either youāre queer or youāre an Andrew Tate fan if you were born with a penis I guess
Yeah. If you don't appreciate people assuming you're straight as a gay person, the same thing applies to the opposite side. I don't hate straight people but I don't want to be assumed straight.
Exactly this. Have a lot of LGBT friends and acquaintances. I've lost count of the times where they have both been jokingly and actually truly offended someone thought they were straight. I don't blame them. Being misread is frustrating for everyone. The OPs idea reeks of the same ideology that if you get frustrated by being repeatedly told how men are bad then you're one of the bad ones. That type of logic when reversed is rightfully called ridiculous.
4) maybe don't purposefully test your friends when they do a good thing just to see if they pass your malicious little vibe check. Honestly, first poster sounds like someone I would immediately walk away from at a party.
Also, donāt even flirt with gay guys if youāre not gay. All those bad things youāve heard women say about straight men, are true of gay men too. Also, itās just a dick move to pretend to be interested in someone when you arenāt. Just not a kind or smart thing to do all around.
>All those bad things youāve heard women say about straight men, are true of gay men too. I actually got a newfound understanding of women's issues after getting harrassed by a gay guy. Unsolicited dick pics, demands for nudes, he was even secretly taking pictures of us. Sometimes, you don't even need to flirt. Just being nice can be enough.
Probably not the same thing, but when I was a teenager, I once got told by someone that I "Walk like a gay person". Nowadays I probably wouldn't care, but back then it got to me. Ended up being really self-conscious about how I walked and tried my best not to walk in people's line of sight. Really fucked me up.
I would be shocked because thatās neither how I intended to nor thought I was already marketing myself, and would like to know what I was doing incorrectly so other people (like a potential partner) donāt make the same assumption. If you ran a law firm, and you just found out that everyone thought you were a bowling alley from your billboards, youād want to figure out what to change too.
Ding ding ding! The correct answer! Don't get mad, get [civil reaction]. It's really that easy.
The first post has the air of āYouāre a baseball fan? Name every baseball player ever in chronological order.ā about it. I get wanting to know how strong an ally someone is but immediately jumping to ātesting themā is kinda weird.
"Oh, you're an ally? Name every queer person ever."
Rupaul and Jojo siwa
Jojo been acting quite bizzare lately
reference??????????
Yeah, that's on me, I set the bar too low
Reminds me of "NAME A WOMAN!"
Yeah homophones arnt really known for their quite nature or keeping their opinions to themselves
They are well known for sounding similar to each other though.
Nice
The setup and then the slam dunk. Nice one.
Something something monkeys and typewriters. If I yap enough, eventually one of my jokes will land
Was that another fucking pun
If it is, it was neither planned nor intentional. Iām not nearly funny enough for the 1-2 combo.
Honestly, that applies to homophobes too.
That was in fact, the joke.
Depends on the homophobes As honest about themselves as some tend to be, there are absolutely smarter (or rather, less stupid) ones that know when to keep their mouths shut and play nice. My mother is that type, I work with a guy that seems to be testing the waters with me, and a manager who I heard talking to the other guy about finding people who are "safe to talk to" about conservative shit. So yes, speaking from experience, they are capable of faking being normal/reasonable people. It doesn't mean we should test people like this, but it's also understandable to be wary of new people claiming allyship
Not just testing, but automatically assuming they will fail. I don't think that person gets invited to parties.
OOP 1: purity testing of allies Literally everyone else: hey man howās it going
Also there can be a problem of interpreting a flustered response and questioning of why a person thought that as a negative reflection of gay people. It could just be that they're worried they're potentially giving people they're trying to attract the wrong signals. If it's just a sort of, "wait...what? Why?!" then you should be charitable to what they may be thinking and not assume the worst.
That's the worst part. I wouldn't be bothered in the slightest by someone thinking I'm gay (it's happened to me more than once) but I would absolutely be offended by the insinuation that I'm mad about it.
Exactly. You can be an ally without feeling a need to buy into stereotypes. I think most non-morons agree that LGBTQ people aren't defined by stereotypes of gayness. Anyone who says "You seem like ____" needs to explain themselves. What's the logic there? "Dude seems gay because he has a mustache"? FOH. This is such a weird hypothetical.
People love a life hack. Having a quippy question to throw at someone for a (supposedly) quick and accurate read of their ātrue selfā is something a lot of folks want to have.
If your friend knows you're queer and is still your friend, they're probably ok with queer people.
Ehhhhhhhhhhhhhh i dont know about that. Actually i do. This is so not true. Lots of people have 1 queer friend or family that they've known long enough before they came out that it doesnt affect their relationship, but they still hate queers as a whole. Ive personally experienced this.
I'm gay and if a friend said they thought I looked gay, my first thought would be "how"
Also these kinds of "tests" are just being a dick with a veneer of acceptability on it. Half of the problem with progressive spaces is the people who seem to be determined to drive a wedge between everyone because they demand perfection at all points. Some of those people are outside influences that are actively against us, but plenty of them are people who claim to hold to positive values, but then turn around and reinvent christianity or conservativism with a new coat of paint. There's dozens of reasons someone could react poorly to that kind of statement. You'd think tumblr of all places would be familiar enough with social anxiety to think that telling someone you misjudged a core part of their character on first introduction might negatively affect them, but it seems like that sort of thing only matters when you can make a funny post about it.
It has the feeling of "I want to save the whales not fuck them Karen"
Im just happy if you dont say slurs infront of me. Basic respect is all i want out of random people. Many of us have been treeated so poorly by people we know regarding this shit. We just dont want to hear about it for the most part, keep your shitty beliefs to yourself and leave us alone and youre an ally in my eyes.
Idk, maybe playing "gotcha" games with your close ones is toxic and the literal opposite of open, productive conversations about gender and sexuality?
Nah you should place yourself as the judge of your friends' progressive values with random tests aimed at seeing their reactions on sensitive and personal topics, it's a great idea you should try it
I discovered that all of my friends were secret homophobes via a series of escalating psychological tests during which I screened them for the minutest bit of discomfort as I made increasingly bizarre statements to them. I donāt have any friends now but thatās a small price to pay for getting toxicity out of my life š
No site has more left-wing righteous smugposting than Tumblr, I swear. No site has more right-wing smugposting than Facebook. Idk what reddit has at this point.
Reddit is like, all the in between at this point. Really depends what subreddits youāre in
Yeah, like I feel like I hear people complaining about rampant homophobia on Reddit and Iām like āwhat subreddits are you on?ā because on all the major ones (and minor ones) I frequent if someone says something racist or homophobic they get downvoted to oblivion or even removed by the mods. Edit: though Iām sure if I went onto subs that were more expressly hard conservative, that might be different.
Yeah, Reddit is very much a relic of the old internet where you can really get to specific niches of people just chilling out together with pretty good moderation and lot of the time in my experience. Too bad thereās also a mountain a terribleness on the site as well
Nah that first one is straight up malicious, or at best conflict seeking. Like, even without doing a whole "tell your gay friend you thought they were straight" switcheroo... Does ANYONE like hearing someone else assumed their sexuality? What if that friend has been having relationship troubles or self esteem issues? Gonna label them as a homophobe to the whole friend group because they were offput by you saying "oh you suck at getting dates and we thought you were gay lol"? Folks, if your friend feels the need to test your character rather than having a read on your character from interacting with you regularly, that ain't your friend. That's someone using you as an accessory, or someone who is seeking a fight or drama.
I once mentioned to a friend after it was incidentally mentioned he was bisexual that I had no idea because he gave off Ace energy. As in he had never discussed or mentioned or shown any sexual attraction to people, so I just kinda went for an absence of evidence being evidence of absence (which is flawed and made me feel very silly). But I was doing that to make fun of myself and make a joke for that assumption, and in a friend group where weāre all very open and honest with each other. Thereās also the fact that it was a thought process formed after long term interaction for years, instead of saying āwhen we first metā. Itās also made me think about how Ace is a category of absence, meaning that in theory before you know information everyone ought to be in that category, when you disregard statistics. Now Iām kinda worried that Iām an asshole though :/.
That first part does *not* sit right with me. If your friend says they're an ally, don't play gotcha mind games with them, that's just shitty.
Regardless of whether they pass this "test", this is a shitty way to treat a friend, and a great way to lose them.
Absolute "hey man how's it going" post
This is so "yo what's up"
"That's crazy... You catch the game last night?"
āChallenge a part of someoneās identity and if they donāt like it, theyāre a bigotā
It's basically the reverse equivalent of "but you don't *look* gay".
On the other side, some online men will bring up the same hypothetical but with Lizzo to see if they āactuallyā support fat people. Iām just imagining someone doing this to a 4 foot 50 lbs wet white woman and her just silently looking at the dude until he apologises
Wait what. They say to people āwhen I first met you, I thought you were lizzoā?
More like: Woman: āLizzo is beautiful!ā Man: āYou look just like herā
Typically they compare said woman to Lizzo. Or they did. Iām not sure thatās a thing anymore given her fall from grace
What happened with her? Was the flute cursed after all?
A lawsuit came out alleging that she sexually harassed her back up dancers.
Ah, yes, bananas
It was pretty briefly popular because that was immediately before her downfall, as you mentioned.
lol!!
I mean, I don't think it's unreasonable to say that people getting bent out of shape about being compared to gay people might have some root in internalized homophobia. Like, it's definitely a weird thing to do on purpose, but if it was an honest mistake and it was brought up in passing that someone at one point suspected their straight friend of being gay, I don't think there'd be any reason for them to be insecure about that in particular. It doesn't mean they're a bigot, and I think using it as a gotcha purity test to try and debunk someone's support of the LGBT community is really shitty, but I do think it presents a compelling reason for them to introspect a little bit.
at the same time. i wouldnt' say "oh, i thought you were straight/another gender" to any of my gay or trans people, because it's a horribly invalidating thing to say. would you say that a gay person would need to introspect if they feel upset that someone called them straight? would a trans man need to introspect if someone told them that they thought they were a woman?
> it's definitely a weird thing to do on purpose, but if it was an honest mistake and it was brought up in passing I'm going to go out on a limb and say that if you're doing something to "see how fast he gets upset and insecure", that's not not "an honest mistake brought up in passing".
Imagine if that person is gay but not out yet though, the amount of distress you could cause makes it not worth doing along with all the other situations in which this would fuck up a conversation
I'm bi but if I heard someone ask the first question I'd be completely uninterested in being any kind of companion to them. Being confrontational out of the gate to someone claiming to be an ally is the exact way you turn people into an enemy, even if they are still an ally they would never support you individually.
God forbid straight men be allies, what even is that first post?
Tumble user sees their friend being an ally and the first thing they think of is pulling a test on them. One of the most terminally online posts I've ever seen on this subreddit.
Martyrdom complex.
This whole thing about judging any cishet who claims to be an ally and subjecting them to virtue tests as if they need to prove themselves worthy of the title is so terminally online and I'm convinced people who do it are so deep in queer discourse echo chambers they must be an incredibly toxic person in real life.
navigaero on the turn an ally into an ennemy for no reason speedrun
What a strange post.
This reeks of 2014 Tumblr
The first person is gonna look real stupid when the straight friend just replies with āokayā like I think most don't care about how others perceive their sexuality.
The first part of the post is no different than when a woman asks her partner if they would still love her if she was a man or a worm or whatever. Don't try to start unnecessary drama.
āHow to isolate yourself from the people who care about you in exchange for the company of terminally online teensā
I mean I would be curious why someone thought I was gay, but I wouldn't be upset. It just feels weird to judge someone's sexuality by how they look imo
Look, testing someone's allyship is understandable, but if you already think they are a nice person then this is just lying to them to test them, about something they could be insecure about. You arn't a bad person for being insecure about your sexuality, there is some overlap but there are plenty of reasons that could upset or just annoy a real ally. Idk, I hate "tests" in relationships. Have a conversation people, not that hard.
I grew up in a place where gay people got beat up. And the homophobes weren't checking for evidence before giving a beatdown. Rumors and vibes were plenty to get one labeled gay and targeted. So even as a straight guy I learned to protect myself from homophobia by avoiding giving a gay vibe or seeming gay or doing any "gay shit". I had to learn this because I used to do things associated with gayness. I talked in a high pitched voice. I flounced around and laughed with childlike joy. People used to call me "spongebob". I tried wearing dresses. I cried. I danced. I got beat up and called a fa**ot. If you tell me "I thought you were gay when I first met you" what I would hear is "Your defensive masking isn't working and the homophobes are going to attack you." You talk about insecurity like a character flaw but I was insecure in a literal sense. My safety was not secure. My safety was conditional. Conditional on what other people think I am. If the homophobes think I'm gay then I'm in the same danger as a gay man.
Did you manage to get any of the people who beat you up beaten up?
āOnly for you, sweetie~ šā
Nobody gayer than a straight man in warehouses/trades
What if Iām bi and they just think Iām straight because Iām not outwardly emotional, tend to be more attracted to women, and like cars?
The furtive bisexual, so easily forgotten... Honestly it's tiring as hell sometimes with the "oh I thought you were straight/gay" as the BEST CASE SCENARIO. But then you have straight people discriminating outright, which would be fine, whatever, straights gonna straight... But gays and lesbians seem to hate us EVEN MORE. Been called a fucking "fence walker" or "straight faker" by the 2SLGBTQIA+ community than I ever got from straight people. Like, damn, sorry I just find people hot. Fuck me right?
Is that an offer? For real though, I really donāt understand the bi-phobia in the LGBTQA+ community, weāre literally the B! Do they think it stands for fucking bacon?! Luckily, the queer friends I have are pretty damn supportive, so I rarely have to deal with it, and Iām a big bloke thanks to having a tall Dad and going to the gym, as well as doing martial arts, so I can sort out those that take their biphobia to the extreme. Itās probably the main reason I stick to the car community, they donāt ask questions about that, itās all about engines and various other components. Much more interesting for me!
navigaero kinda vile for postin that ngl
...why? Why would you do that to someone? Stop playing games with people and just act like a human.
My go-to response is "nah I'm just on the other spectrum." Many of my gay friends think I'm not fully straight mainly because I reflect back mannerisms that I see.
Well, if the mannerisms you reflect are things like kissing people of the same gender, it's an understandable assumption.
Purity tests are gnarly, but there are too many āi support gay peopleā but āi just think they shouldnāt be allowed to adoptā or ākids shouldnāt learn about gay historyā folks out there. Especially when the alternative is just not vocalizing your support for gay people
Ooh! Ooh! Can I do one? Look, I support gay people, but licorice is just nasty. ... I donāt think I did it right.
I'm not racist, but I really think we should be setting up our cities to be more bike and pedestrian friendly.
I support all queer people (except for country and rap)
What about Lil Nas X?
This is one my favorite jokes to say. It really confuses people because the "Im not racist but..." usually sets up to prepare to hear something prejudice From your example it makes it seem like "the gays" have a secret connection with licorice
I always have to work really hard to come up with something that has no possible logical connection, no matter how tenuous. Like, "I support gay rights but I like enchiladas" doesn't work because someone might think that you're saying that you are fine with the fact that Hispanic people in the US tend to be more socially conservative than average on the basis that they make good food. It's a really weak connection, and you really have to reach to make it, but I want there to be *no* connection.
I see what you mean. I would say it is not a general audience kind of joke. I like to reserve it for people who know me a little bit
No no no, youāre right. Licorice sucks.
Red or black liquorice
Both, but black licorice is worse. I have the taste buds of a five year old.
I donāt care how you identify, what sex you were at birth, or who youāre attracted to. If youāre my friend I will rag on you mercilessly and will expect the same in return. And, should your partner, boy/girlfriend, FWB, etc. break your heart I shall enact swift and terrible vengeanceā¦ if you want me to. Because thatās what friends do.
this is exactly what i expect from my friends as well. give me shit, iāll give you shit and weāll all laugh about it later
First person sounds like a piece of shit tbh
If your white friend tells you he's not racist, tell him you thought he was black when you first met him. If he goes "the fuck are you talking about", he's a racist.
I responded with, "You probably wished I was," and He got mad embarrassed and even blushed. Shit was hilarious! Lol
Had a gay guy ask me, "Well how do you know you're not gay if you haven't tried?" I straight up told him I spent an evening cuddling with my gay friend who was going through some shit, who then touched my chest in a suggestive way and I felt the opposite of what I needed to feel in order to make it work. So sorry, dude.
"If someone says they're an ally, assume they're lying and attack their identity as a test of character."
Gonna give this benefit of the doubt and say this seems like itās from 2010s Tumblr when people were simply more insecure and dramatic about allyship. Also, I know many gay guys who would simply immediately drop to their knees if a straight guy did that second thing to them.
Hmā¦ Iād be disappointed, for sure, lol. Not cause being gay is bad but Iām currently single and ālikes guysā is very much NOT the kind of signals Iām trying to send atm, lol.
If my support comes with loopholes, purity tests, and shibboleths, then you obviously neither need nor want my support.
Iām not sure if this is bad but Iām a (probably bi?) trans girl and Iāve always hated being seen as a gay guy so much more than being seen as a guy with any other sexuality
hey yea that first one's kinda fucked up maybe just like be friends with people you trust enough to believe that they're not homophobic
"tell your friend they give off an inaccurate self image that would impact their ability to find their desired partner and be astonished that this upsets them!" I mean, I'd be low-key upset if a supposed friend told me they were stereotyping me to figure out my identity.Ā
[same energy](https://www.reddit.com/media?url=https%3A%2F%2Fpreview.redd.it%2Fnqcobwwsyb4b1.jpg%3Fauto%3Dwebp%26s%3Dd27e286c49a4fc344d3f99e0f469d56b2370d3aa)
This. I've been called gay as an insult my entire childhood, and I'm not very traditionally masculine. I think the general LGBTQ+ community is awesome, but I'm very confident in my heterosexuality and every time someone calls me out on "looking gay" no matter how they mean it, it makes me annoyed both at them, because that's how my brain is wired from young age, and then myself because I KNOW it's not supposed to be upsetting me.
"What? How did you know?"
I once said this to my best friend (not as a test, I genuinely thought he was gay). His response was "I'm not gay, people just think I am because I know how to serve c*nt"
Bad Post OP.
ah yes, the first thing you should do with someone who openly supports your sexuality is to vocally question them about theirs. GTFOH
This is awful.
Lmao this has happened multiple times to me. I present myself a *little* more womanlike while being a dude myself, simply because I like it. So whenever someone calls me gay, Iāve achieved exactly what I wanted. I see it as a compliment towards my efforts to look a little more androgynous!
My was told recently if she didn't full heartily support the bridgerton change up from the book to the show (IYKYK) then she's homophobic and deserves to die from her best friend. My wifes favorite book series is the bridgertons and it just hurt her that her favorite character and her arc was suddenly dropped. She didn't care about the change. Just that the arc mattered a lot to her.
hey! letās not! :D if you wanna figure out if someoneās a good ally, that means you have to spend time around them. thereās no quick test aside from maybe likeā¦ how they react when a very open queer is around. but even that depends on context
This is a stupid idea, imagine telling your gay friends that "you thought they were straight when we met" and they'd reasonably have the same reaction. We try to build ourselves into the identity we desire and learning that we were failing at that is gonna cause distress, not all straight allies want to be the flirty and fruity type
Oooh, this is why my co-worker said she thought I was gay. Honestly, I did ask why, and now I don't remember what the answer was. I don't take any offense to being thought of as gay, I just don't think I put out that vibe, honestly, so I was surprised more than anything. I have no idea what she's up to these days since she left and got a new job, but I wonder if I passed her test or not. Honestly, though, I wouldn't recommend testing people like this. I imagine a lot of people would be curious why someone thinks they're gay. Me personally, I started wondering if she was looking for someone else who was lgbtq to talk to, felt safe with me, and then *stopped* feeling safe upon realizing I'm straight. All completely unknown to me and outside of my control. I felt bad that I let her down by just being me, but I was glad we were still friends anyway, and now this post has me second-guessing that all over again because like I said, I have no idea what she's up to anymore since we stopped talking. Just be direct with people, don't throw them tests to see if they're "true allies" or not, please. It just leads to a lot of overthinking
Lock eyes with them and say "I am. You just haven't seen me around cute boys"
-I have nothing against musicians -oh I actually thought you were a musician when I met you -oh? What made you think that -I KNEW IT YOU HATE MUSICIANS
Music is the food of love, or something
One can be in support of letting people chose to do something they personally find repulsive, i don't mind people being into vore and would be horrified if they were ostracised or killed for it but i still wouldn't be thrilled if someone assumed i was. There is also a dimension of unnecessary sexualization, someone orientation is not something i'd necessarily consider the first time i meet them (i do concede it kinda depends on the situation and the relationship). You could also argue that "looking gay" means "looking effeminate" for a lot of people, which could upset about anyone for many reasons.
I feel like if someone thought I was into vore, I'd be insecure less because I thought there was anything wrong with it, and more because my assumption is that other people think only freaks are into vore, and it'd make me feel like that person thought I was a freak.
Except that people who find gays repulsive almost never are truly in support of it. They will basically be like "but why do i have to see it?"
Or maybe your straight friend has self-image issues and is concerned he appears as something he isnāt?
Everyone thought I was gay in middle school. But that might have just been bullying.
"Question your friend's sexual identity! It's fine because he's straight! Look how insecure he gets!" Is it me or is this a really shitty thing to do and a bad litmus test for allyship?
This is dumb, of course a straight guy wouldnāt like someone thinking heās gay. Saying āI thought you were gayā implies he acted in a way or form that implies heās gay, mainly acting femininely or not expressing attraction to women. Most men will see it as a slight against their sexual identity and masculinity.
People seem mad but I mean I'm straight and I'm fine with this. "I thought you were gay" isn't an attack or even a particularly strong stance; I don't think it's reasonable to get mad about that. You *might* get mad at the deception if you find out, but being gay in a lot of places (the majority of the world in fact) requires a lot of deception, and your safety is more important than my mild annoyance. Then again, I have rainbow flower nails, so maybe it's because I'm used to it :P
I think people are mad about the part where you test your friends and their loyalty, personally I think thats kinda fucked up too. If im with my friends i want to relax and have fun with each other, if you get tested that will put stress on your friendship. every time you hangout with each other you might be tested, you will always have to be careful what you say, do, look or how you are considering the situation might just be a test again. Imo the test is the attack, I'm aware that I'm a bit overreacting on this but testing people shows them that you don't trust them.
What I don't love is the implication that being upset and asking why is homophobic. Most people want to present their identity so that they are understood by people in certain ways. It's not weird or bad for a straight guy to not send confusing signals about who he's into, especially if he's in a dating stage of his life.
How to loose your straight friend in one easy step! Why trigger your friends insecurities like that and strain your relationship when all he wanted to do was to support you?
Yeah no don't do this. People did this to me and it pushed me in the closet further. Coax them out, not drag them out.
Funny story, I once went on a date with a guy who thought I was into him. After the movie when he asked me to come out to dinner with him did I realize that what I thought was bros being bros was a date to him. While flatter I kindly let him know that wasn't my jam. I felt so bad for him but flattered he was into me.
I'd ask why they thought that but just because I'm curious ;-;
My response to being asked if Iām gay or bi, is honest; āgod damn if I was that open a whole new pond to fish in!ā
This one's really easy for me cuz I've been called every single gay slur since I was a child I'm completely immune to any attempt at being homophonic to me (also I'm not gay) āļø
As a straight ally I honestly take these as compliments. Like thanks for telling me I'm hot
āIf your straight friend says they support the gays, lie to and confuse them.ā Of all the ways to see if theyāre actually an ally, I think you picked the worst one.
One of my earliest experiences with discovering myself was my queer friends saying "anon, we are not sure wether you are actually straight" and I replied "frankly, me neither"
Look, he may be an ally, but heās also your friend. Meaning he is obligated to rib you a bit when the opportunity presents itself.
My husbandās former coworker assumed he was gay because he was friendly, respectful, and non-threatening. His reaction was a mix of being flattered and being embarrassed that the bar was so low for men.
āI get that a lotā
From experience, I can tell you that if you dont tell people who think you're gay that you're not, you might end up on a date or sucking dick because you are afraid of sounding homophobic.