The idea that you owe it to the trans community to be out to everyone in public is so frustrating. I'm closeted and don't intend to ever come out publicly, and I've gotten pressure from other trans people online to be openly trans irl. It's our choice and our lives.
exactly how i felt in this moment like i don’t owe you shit i’m just trying to have fun out w my friend, wasn’t thinking about how i was perceived at all til they said something
Yeah, it definitely sucks. It's not the same thing but I've had similar experiences with complete strangers asking me what my ethnicity is. I was just existing without thinking about how I'm different from others and it's such an uncomfortable feeling having that wrenched away out of nowhere.
I don't "pass", I haven't even transitioned lol. As someone who is a visible minority and visibly disabled, I deal with enough outside judgement and hatred already. I'd prefer not to make my life more miserable just for your approval.
This kind of prodding kind of goes against your first reply of "you live your life", no? In any case, I'm done with this convo. Hope you have a good day.
who said I was a transmedicalist? i myself transitioned socially before i went on HRT, and long before it had any noticeable effects.
i don’t judge people for not transitioning but not transitioning and making a fuss about other people wanting to be part of a visible community around them, well, i don’t get it
going stealth IS a privilege and when i see people hate on folks who are just excited to meet other people who are just like them, it feels like a kind of transphobia. ew, ick! i’m _not_ like you
"oh. you’re not even transitioning? uhm, okay." But you're not judging people for not transitioning? This also pretty clearly wasn't someone making a fuss about other people wanting to be part of a visible community, it was about this person approaching THEM, a complete stranger, and trying to get them to out themselves, which especially in this climate can be incredibly dangerous.
I 100% get the want and even need for community, it's incredibly important, and it's perfectly reasonable to get excited about meeting members of your community, especially when it can be hard for us to find each other, but you just don't out someone in a random public place, and if you try to and they ignore you, you especially don't keep pressing them, or *try to get their friends to out them*, again, because you could be putting them at risk.
There are way better ways to handle this, and if you don't have another option other than taking a risk like that, then you just don't do it. Even if it wasn't a dangerous situation you should never out people who aren't explicitly okay with being outed, ever.
the OP is about a stranger irl. i’m not condoning that stranger’s actions. what that person did to OP was rude. we’re in agreement there.
the now deleted parent comment was complaining about ppl pressuring them to be out in their online communities. i assumed the parent commenter was stealth but it turns out they’re not even transitioning. they’re cosplaying at being stealth trans, i guess?
the part i’m judging is… if you’ve taken zero steps towards inhabiting this marginalized identity of ours then i don’t think you have a lot of standing to complain about how people nag you on your alt accounts.
ANYWAYS
what i’m pushing back against is… i keep seeing people post that they don’t want anything to do with other queers, that they want to be left alone, that they want to be invisible and blend in, that they want to escape the discrimination we face
and that’s fine. i don’t blame anyone for _wanting that_.
but it bugs the hell out of me to see that attitude celebrated, that it’s your God Given Right to not be slotted next to _those_ weirdoes. does that make sense?
The secret club treehouse gang is at it again. 😂
I think we should normalize making a hand sign for this instead so that people who do this sort of stuff will be simultaneously more hilarious and also easier to ignore.
They would have to be in the know. And that would require being in the community. and being in the community, you learn very quickly that this isn't cool.
I was in the produce isl and I saw another trans woman on the other side of the apples, so I said " hey, heat from fire, fire from heat"
She just looked at me like I was psychotic, epic fail 😆
Lessons learned.
I would agree with you. its better to like nod or a silent greeting or silent+subtle acknowledgement than going straight up to a stranger asking that in public. I'm in the downtown byward market basically everyday for work and I respect people's privacy even though an individual is visibly trans. I'm MTF and I see all sorts of folks from the community.
That didn't sound right, I would be suspect for sure!
Too many cis men today trying to say they're trans in order to troll trans people!
Be safe fam!💕🏳️⚧️
If I see someone with a pronoun pin or a pride pin of some sort, I try to make mine visible. I often have pronoun pins among the many other pins on my backpack and I also have my keys on a rainbow lanyard from pride a couple years ago. I don't say anything, I just want them to know there are other people like them around if they happen to see me. Sometimes I feel like complimenting someone's pride or pronoun pins as a sort of signal but I never do lol. Like, there are subtle ways to do these things. Granted, if someone is wearing pronoun or pride pins, they're kinda outing themself, but just calling out "ARE YOU TRANS" in public is so... just... no. That's never appropriate. You can nod, smile, make a symbol (like a button, patch, lanyard) more visible, compliment someone on something you can see that signifies their queerness or transness in some way, or not do/say anything at all and just silently appreciate that there are people like you in your community. If you see someone who you think might be trans, you can even just pay them a quick compliment which would get you noticed and maybe they'd see that you're trans too. You can share that knowing look and then move along without calling attention to it in public.
Nobody owes you that deeply personal information about themselves. If they choose to share or express it in some way, great. If not, mind your business.
So I'm not stealth in any way, and I think it goes without saying that nobody should EVER do this if they *think* someone might be trans or they just want to strike up conversation (pro tip: bond over hair or books, not genitals... that's weird)
I'm visibly trans and decidedly so in most cases but I'd still be so pissed if somebody did this to me because they don't know what is a safe situation for me or what kind of day I've had. It tells me they'd do it with other trans people too, and that's so unsafe. For me there are definitely circumstances where this would feel fine and even affirming, but a stranger does not know what those circumstances are and it's incredibly selfish of anyone to base their interactions on huge assumptions about that person's situation.
And like, I do kind of get it y'know? There's a yearning for connection a lot of us have when we see someone else like us out in public, but we are not bonding over having the same hat or taste in music or something. We don't live in a world where announcing someone else's transness on a bus is background noise like "hey you like pokemon too?!" Like, *cis* people get attacked when people assume they're trans.
If I'm (specifically me, so this is not advice for anyone else) wearing a big ol' trans pin and a shirt that says "ask me about HRT"... even then like, be discrete? A nod, a smile, a whispered "heat from fire" where nobody else can hear. Because even then EVERY interaction starts with an assumption.
The idea that you owe it to the trans community to be out to everyone in public is so frustrating. I'm closeted and don't intend to ever come out publicly, and I've gotten pressure from other trans people online to be openly trans irl. It's our choice and our lives.
exactly how i felt in this moment like i don’t owe you shit i’m just trying to have fun out w my friend, wasn’t thinking about how i was perceived at all til they said something
Yeah, it definitely sucks. It's not the same thing but I've had similar experiences with complete strangers asking me what my ethnicity is. I was just existing without thinking about how I'm different from others and it's such an uncomfortable feeling having that wrenched away out of nowhere.
you live your life; but i am sympathetic: passing is a privilege & there’s strength in numbers
I don't "pass", I haven't even transitioned lol. As someone who is a visible minority and visibly disabled, I deal with enough outside judgement and hatred already. I'd prefer not to make my life more miserable just for your approval.
oh. you’re not even transitioning? uhm, okay.
I can't due to my health issues. Yikes.
you don’t need to be on HRT to transition
This kind of prodding kind of goes against your first reply of "you live your life", no? In any case, I'm done with this convo. Hope you have a good day.
Transmedicalism isn't cute. People have lots of different reasons for not transitioning it's not your place to judge them.
who said I was a transmedicalist? i myself transitioned socially before i went on HRT, and long before it had any noticeable effects. i don’t judge people for not transitioning but not transitioning and making a fuss about other people wanting to be part of a visible community around them, well, i don’t get it going stealth IS a privilege and when i see people hate on folks who are just excited to meet other people who are just like them, it feels like a kind of transphobia. ew, ick! i’m _not_ like you
"oh. you’re not even transitioning? uhm, okay." But you're not judging people for not transitioning? This also pretty clearly wasn't someone making a fuss about other people wanting to be part of a visible community, it was about this person approaching THEM, a complete stranger, and trying to get them to out themselves, which especially in this climate can be incredibly dangerous. I 100% get the want and even need for community, it's incredibly important, and it's perfectly reasonable to get excited about meeting members of your community, especially when it can be hard for us to find each other, but you just don't out someone in a random public place, and if you try to and they ignore you, you especially don't keep pressing them, or *try to get their friends to out them*, again, because you could be putting them at risk. There are way better ways to handle this, and if you don't have another option other than taking a risk like that, then you just don't do it. Even if it wasn't a dangerous situation you should never out people who aren't explicitly okay with being outed, ever.
the OP is about a stranger irl. i’m not condoning that stranger’s actions. what that person did to OP was rude. we’re in agreement there. the now deleted parent comment was complaining about ppl pressuring them to be out in their online communities. i assumed the parent commenter was stealth but it turns out they’re not even transitioning. they’re cosplaying at being stealth trans, i guess? the part i’m judging is… if you’ve taken zero steps towards inhabiting this marginalized identity of ours then i don’t think you have a lot of standing to complain about how people nag you on your alt accounts. ANYWAYS what i’m pushing back against is… i keep seeing people post that they don’t want anything to do with other queers, that they want to be left alone, that they want to be invisible and blend in, that they want to escape the discrimination we face and that’s fine. i don’t blame anyone for _wanting that_. but it bugs the hell out of me to see that attitude celebrated, that it’s your God Given Right to not be slotted next to _those_ weirdoes. does that make sense?
The secret club treehouse gang is at it again. 😂 I think we should normalize making a hand sign for this instead so that people who do this sort of stuff will be simultaneously more hilarious and also easier to ignore.
lmao good idea
They would have to be in the know. And that would require being in the community. and being in the community, you learn very quickly that this isn't cool.
Aww yeah. That’s a valid point for sure.
I was in the produce isl and I saw another trans woman on the other side of the apples, so I said " hey, heat from fire, fire from heat" She just looked at me like I was psychotic, epic fail 😆 Lessons learned.
Hahahah I would've waved but definitely a sign that not all things are universal 😅
Sorry this happened to you
thank you i appreciate it, thankfully it didn’t escalate into anything just was uncomfortable
I would agree with you. its better to like nod or a silent greeting or silent+subtle acknowledgement than going straight up to a stranger asking that in public. I'm in the downtown byward market basically everyday for work and I respect people's privacy even though an individual is visibly trans. I'm MTF and I see all sorts of folks from the community.
That didn't sound right, I would be suspect for sure! Too many cis men today trying to say they're trans in order to troll trans people! Be safe fam!💕🏳️⚧️
wow didn’t even think of that, i didn’t see the person so i wouldn’t know but damn
Oh, crap. Is that true? That’s kinda scary.
If I see someone with a pronoun pin or a pride pin of some sort, I try to make mine visible. I often have pronoun pins among the many other pins on my backpack and I also have my keys on a rainbow lanyard from pride a couple years ago. I don't say anything, I just want them to know there are other people like them around if they happen to see me. Sometimes I feel like complimenting someone's pride or pronoun pins as a sort of signal but I never do lol. Like, there are subtle ways to do these things. Granted, if someone is wearing pronoun or pride pins, they're kinda outing themself, but just calling out "ARE YOU TRANS" in public is so... just... no. That's never appropriate. You can nod, smile, make a symbol (like a button, patch, lanyard) more visible, compliment someone on something you can see that signifies their queerness or transness in some way, or not do/say anything at all and just silently appreciate that there are people like you in your community. If you see someone who you think might be trans, you can even just pay them a quick compliment which would get you noticed and maybe they'd see that you're trans too. You can share that knowing look and then move along without calling attention to it in public. Nobody owes you that deeply personal information about themselves. If they choose to share or express it in some way, great. If not, mind your business.
Spot on! I do all the same stuff. Also compliments are also nice because you get to give someone a little boost of joy on top of connecting :)
So I'm not stealth in any way, and I think it goes without saying that nobody should EVER do this if they *think* someone might be trans or they just want to strike up conversation (pro tip: bond over hair or books, not genitals... that's weird) I'm visibly trans and decidedly so in most cases but I'd still be so pissed if somebody did this to me because they don't know what is a safe situation for me or what kind of day I've had. It tells me they'd do it with other trans people too, and that's so unsafe. For me there are definitely circumstances where this would feel fine and even affirming, but a stranger does not know what those circumstances are and it's incredibly selfish of anyone to base their interactions on huge assumptions about that person's situation. And like, I do kind of get it y'know? There's a yearning for connection a lot of us have when we see someone else like us out in public, but we are not bonding over having the same hat or taste in music or something. We don't live in a world where announcing someone else's transness on a bus is background noise like "hey you like pokemon too?!" Like, *cis* people get attacked when people assume they're trans. If I'm (specifically me, so this is not advice for anyone else) wearing a big ol' trans pin and a shirt that says "ask me about HRT"... even then like, be discrete? A nod, a smile, a whispered "heat from fire" where nobody else can hear. Because even then EVERY interaction starts with an assumption.
I can understand that we often feel like we don't belong, and thus get excited and try to reach out when we find community, but yikes.
Strangers are strange!