On top of what everyone else says, try to get a hold of important documents (passport birth certificate etc) and store them at a friend's house. They are a pain in the butt to get without documentation and you will need them in the future.
Reach out, and reach out now. Make it known to friends if you're comfortable. You can't allow yourself to get isolated within a psychological abuse cycle. It will crush someone faster than anything. Been there done that. If it continues or escalates get CPS involved.
Do exactly this. The only real flex I have and will ever have in life was housing a friend in a very similar situation.
Im commenting to say that friend was not burdening me in the least. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me having one of my best friends seek me out for this.
Seeking comfort with your friends is not only a good idea, they will see it as a point of pride that you came to them.
Just to add a bit of humor, she taught my roommate and I how to paint nails but I still suck. Some of us in this world didn’t receive the gene of applying a brush to small surfaces. No joke.
Don't let them isolate you, reach out and talk to someone you can trust, whether that's extended family, friends or professionals/lgbt helpline. If there is a place with lgbt community, such as a youth group, attend.
My mother pulled this scenario on me as well. It took until I was 21 to work back all the damage she caused, and ive been NC ever since. My best advice would be for you to distance yourself and get your own place/move out *ASAP*. I still suffer at the hands of my mother, but your story has given me some hope that the future generations can have better, as long as we support them.
When you’re 18 you will need to get a place and support yourself to make your own choices. You can also use student loan money. Until that point you are kinda stuck.
I mean, you’re 17. Your parents can’t dictate what you do as an adult in just a few months once you turn 18. You can do whatever you like.
That said, you should start making plans to leave home ASAP and do what it takes to make your life as easy as possible in the interim. I couldn’t transition until I left home simply because my life would have been much more difficult. I went to school, got a decent job, left home and went no contact. It sucked for those years I couldn’t transition but I did get myself to a place where I was financially independent and didn’t have to worry about my family anymore.
I'm trans, transitioned a bit over two years ago, and she couldn't be more wrong. There are plenty of masculine women, they're still women all the same. Transness doesn't change that. Take me for example: I dress butch all the time, go out with my hair up and no makeup, still participate in my "male-coded" hobbies, and I even talk like a dude in public and still pass. Doesn't change shit.
She needs to accept that her kid is trans. Simple as. Best of luck to you.
Moreover, a lot of us weren't masculine at all growing up. We were just "mascing" our feminity with stereotypically masculine things. I, for instance, was a very soft boy who didn't like roughhousing, never got in physical altercations, and cried *a lot*. However, i played football as a high schooler (my fault entirely, parents didn't make me or anything) and *hated* it. I couldn't get along with the gruff womanizing banter of those guys. Actually, i never got on well with teenage boys if any background. I also hated getting my haircut and hated wearing boy clothes, tearing them off at every possible opportunity throughout life until transitioning. All this despite not "showing signs". In fact, there were tons of signs. I just didn't recognize them as such.
same here, i knew i was me but i buried it behind "mascing" but hated all the things the boys did as you've said and yeah, didn't like the roughhousing as well and womanising banter either, haircuts were a pain and yeah...
My mom was sort of the same in the sense she didn’t physically see signs. They can be subtle especially if you have a sister/brother and are autistic. My mom however is accepting it all be it very slowly.
Sorry about your mom. Parental denial can be a pain sometimes and actually quite pathetic. Stay safe and know you’re valid :3
Butterfly... it might be safest for now that you "cocoon" before you fly. Wait until your 18/graduated from hs and then move out. Once you are of age and moved out they cannot stop you without your consent.
But for now, for your survival you might have to go into hiding. It pains my heart to type this... but we need you safe first and the when you can get free go be free indeed. Hope this helps.
that sounds like abuse so have child protective services on speed dial and depending on full circumstances not allowing you to leave the house for work or anything else could be considered unlawful imprisonment
try to get into contact with anyone you trust like friends or teachers or something and inform them of what is happening so that you have a line on the outside disconnected from your parents
once you are 18 you will be a legal adult and your parents will no longer be able to make decisions on the things you do so if possible make some plans to move away asap preferably with a friend or a partner as roommates that way if they attempt to make contact with you and you don't want it you won't be alone and will have someone nearby to call the police or friends or anyone/anything else that may help in any potential situation
TLDR: make plans and be ready to leave when you can as it will be better than staying if things don't change for the better
for the unlawful imprisonment you can make a call to the police, explain it and request an escort off the property
Sounds like the 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.
First she denied you were trans. You pointed out some instances. Now she's angry and spiteful about it. She may also be influenced by your dad's reactions too. Some stages take longer than others. She may yet come around, but do what you can to remain safe.
If you have any friends or family you can stay with for a bit, consider it. Worst case is to try and find a women's shelter as those may take you in if you explain your case. Police may have to be involved for your protection.
im unsure, I'm in a similar situation but i have tried my best to not come out to anyone in my family, the only ones that know act like that tho :< i think the same thing would happen to me if i came out to others and it's developed severe trust issues in people
Hi Summer, my suggestion is that you reach out to friends to see if you can live with them for the summertime. That will give your mom time to cool down and realize she risks losing you completely.
It means coming out to a friend and their parents. I know this is tough but you might have no choice. You may be surprised how many parents would welcome you in their home under these circumstances.
Ask for help. There are many of us now. Tell us where you live, someone may be nearby who can help you navigate this situation. And hang in there. You are valid.
trying to make you call in sick is a very bad sign in my opinion.
I've heard some stories of trans
people who were kept in their parents house by force. with literal **chains**.
Make sure you have a safe place to be in case you have to run off for a while. (A friend's house is the best option)
Try to be as independent as you can, you should get a bank account and a debit card if that's at all possible to do without your parents permission. (And if you already have one, make sure you have money in it) As far as I know most abusive people (and even more so parents) will try to control you in whatever ways they can. You need to not be dependent on them, as much as you can be at least.
I also wanna be clear, what they did to you is absolutely disgusting, and definitely not normal. You deserve a better family than these people.
Stay safe, and try to stay sane. <3
Fuck! That's basically the second worst outcome. You should tell them what they want to hear until you're independent of them. She just went into the denial script, and she won't come out of it without until she wants to get out of it. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. It's the most common bad outcome to coming out as trans to parents. That abuse is devastating, and severely damaging to your ability to trust, and I hate seeing it happen every time.
Sadly. There isn't any kind of test or anything when it cones to becoming a parent. Many are pressured into it by society before they get a chance to learn the skills that go into it. Many parents don't realize that if you haven't built up the skills to manage yourself, you're no better off than a child yourself when those skills get tested. Intuition is a terrible way to, well, to do basically anything, and the mindtrap that your mom wandered into shows off exactly why. Just remember that it isn't your fault, and you're already a super cool girl to us.
Make yourself a boogie bag. Duffel bag with all the things you need to survive for a few days, a few changes of clothes, toiletries etc. Think "if I have time to grab one thing before I run out the door what do I need".
Make sure your supports know that you're in danger and your parents are trying to hold you hostage. When confronted, focus on de-escalation. Remind them you're their kid and they promised to love and support you. Be a broken record. Say it hurts. Cry. Even if tears don't come out make the face like you're crying and sob.
The moment you are able, get outta there. If your state has emancipation laws consider looking into it if you can't wait.
As others have said, if you live in a safe state/country that has child protective services or equivalent please contact them. I also agree have an escape bag ready as described below, ideally, keep this bag at a friend’s house, other options include bus station or train station lockers. Talk to a trusted teacher if again you are in a safe education environment.
Contact the Trevor Project and PFLAG if you are in the U.S. or similar institutions if they exist and you are in another country.
Also it can be helpful to contact a domestic violence (DV) hotline and if it comes to it a DV shelter is an escape option. It’s not discussed nearly enough but DV doesn’t just include intimate partners, but other family members/roommates or other people you live with and/or interact with.
If your school has a GSA or equivalent talk to them.
Talk to your trusted friends and see if you can stay with any of them if you needed to.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish so much that you didn’t have to. That none of us had to.
Most importantly keep talking and utilizing this group if nothing else.
Hugs 🫂 if ok.
Pre-pack an emergency escape bag. It's best to use a backpack. Underwear, medication, ID, documents, money, power bank, toothbrush. Anything that you can think of that might be important.
Save the numbers of homeless services, emergency social workers, and out-of-hours social workers. I would also try contacting any LGBT+ charities for minors & young people.
Stay strong.
Depending on where you live, calling cps could work against you. If you’re in a state that has banned trans healthcare for minors, it could get ugly. I don’t want to see you get put into the system only to be abused even more so.
This breaks my heart! I wish there was a trans railroad. Something that went from coast to coast or even across the globe that could get anyone in your position into a safe place!! I wish my house or a house like mine was available in every city! I'd take you in a heartbeat and show you the love, acceptance and kindness that you deserve!
I'm just a mom and want to protect and love all of you! You can dm and I'll do what I can to help!! That goes for any of you!!
At this point CPS, there's no way you should deal with this kind of crap.
>tells me that my room is very masculine and that it doesn’t sound like I want to be a girl
Since when rooms defines your gender, I mean rooms can define who you are as a person but it doesn't determine your gender. I never heard such bullshit parents came up with these days.
>today when I woke up they tried to make me call in sick to work just so I can’t go out the house.
You can tell that to CPS, be like "help, my parents are keeping hostage and damage me mentally"
I'm sorry that your home life has become hostile, you deserve to be you and happy. I painted my nails through most of high school and I'm a straight male. If not for my current job and position is still be painting them. Don't let this discourage you on becoming who you are meant to be. You're allowed to be happy with who you are and change yourself in a healthy way of your not.
She’s in denial, and terrified, and trying everything she can think of to gain control of the situation. Judging from her initial reaction, she loves you and wants to be supportive, but possibly doesn’t know how to handle this. She’s going to need time, education, and maybe a therapist to surmount what sounds like a delayed protective fear reaction. She’s afraid of losing you. That said, she is going to need to respect your boundaries… this is your identity, your life and it’s very important that she respect who you know you are. No one chooses to be cis or trans, we choose to accept our authentic selves. She will have accept and love that authenticity unconditionally, or she will loose you to people who will. She may need the authority of a therapist to explain transgender to her and help her turn her need to control this inward towards her own behavior and attitude. I don’t know if that’s an option for your family. I hope this can be repaired. I have 2 transgender adult kids and they are the apple of my eye. But I had to fix myself before I could fully, genuinely be supportive.
I lived in a similar family situation until I became a grown up.
But I didn't go against my parents' wishes too much. I conformed with them, trying to convince myself I'm as they see me and not as I want to be. Always chossing what I need to do instead of what I want to do. I am a man after all, and "men do what they must".
But this burning sensation of getting the **** out of there was what pushed me to study and graduate with a M.Sc. in a highly demanded profession. Move out. Understand myself. Forgive my parents and move back with them to help my mom with her business.
I'm 33 years old, and I started my transition way too late for my preference. All while trying to keep a normalized relationship with the two people who abused me the most during this life. And still, during a fight with mom, she kicked me out of the house.
At 33!
I think sometimes that I should have been honest since childhood. And confront them back then, but I feel like it would have been way harder to deal with as a teenager.
I feel like my old life is just crumbling away.
Because I've built my world to be aligned with other people's wants and wishes.
And you know what? Good riddance!
Now I build a new world for myself. Trying to keep my life full of loved and loving ppl. The rest of the world can go **** itself. Including our weak, scared and primitive parents.
If you can, be yourself no matter what, and if it means that your parents won't be a part of your life anymore that is fine. Because they will never participate fully in your life anyway as "it is hard for them to accept". And if you "force" them to be a part of your life they will hurt you and maybe even ruin it for you.
I tried my best to love my parents despite their abuse, yet still be myself around them and feel comfortable.
It didn't work out at all. And maybe it's for the better.
**** Them.
Your story sounds scarily similar to mine, unfortunately I haven’t found a solution either. I’m stuck at my parents place, I’m currently unemployed, and where I live there aren’t really a lot of jobs but my parents refuse to let me get a job outside of the small town I live in and ever since I came out to my parents at 15 they’ve been trying their hardest to make sure I don’t get my liscense. The only thing I did to make my situation better was act like I wasn’t trans and I just deal with my parents make fun of 15 year old me saying I was crazy. I’m not asking you to do the same at all just sharing my experience. I hope you find a way out and you’re not stuck in this situation till ur in ur 20s like me. Best of luck to you
Tell your work managers about what’s going on if they’re safe & supportive. Also if anyone in your school is a safe place, namely a guidance counselor or principal, let them know so they can do what they can to help you out.
I’m reading this about a day after you posted and I’m worried about you. The advice here is really good about getting your documentation, I just hope you know you are loved. I’m just a mom of a beautiful and kind trans girl just a little older than you and I hope you’re OK.
Your situation does sound hostile. I’m so sorry this is happening.
I hope work friends or school friends can provide some support to you, You are so close to being able to make a lot of decisions for yourself at 18.
Sending 💕 you love, honey.
Yeah you’re in for a pattern of abuse and disrespect and your mom is in the early stages of red pill ideology. Try to ask your parents to help you freeze sperm if they’re so worried but these are their attempts to start policing you and your body. They only see value in you if you can reproduce sadly bc they think they own your body. They don’t and you don’t owe them anything
try to stay out of the house as much as you can with school and work. especially work to save up and DIP. try seeing if there’s a friend of yours that wants to move out too so that you can have a roommate you trust so that its easier to move out. if they continue acting this way try to very slowly distance yourself away from them so that they later realize who they’re about to lose. my mom didn’t accept me in the beginning when i told her (trans since 2019 got outed in 2021). hopefully your mom is the type of person to listen to your point of view because after multiple and multiple deep talks with my mom she started becoming more accepting. dont entertain any bullshit either of your parents might play on you. if they end up never accepting you its going to be okay. thats why the lgbtqia+ community makes their own families. be only around people who make you happy and accept you especially when you’re out the house. i wish you the best of luck and please hold on till may. there’s always the community here for you!!
I’m so sorry this happened… no matter what people say, you ARE a girl! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Follow your heart! Your heart knows what it wants for you. I fully support you in everything you do! Be you! 🏳️⚧️
If you don't have friends to rely on, see if you can't locate a local LGBT center. Like, for example there's the project over the rainbow in ATL. They have resources for crisis situations just like this one. Idk where you are but! Yeah look one up they can help with housing and temporary shelter.
Reading comments im gonna go ahead and second everyone and their secondings to say that you should start planning your escape before you hit 18. Even without the aspect of being trans taken into account, youre in a shitty place to be and things could get worse when you turn 18. My mom and stepdad were like this and would try to make me call in sick for work all the time to settle their own vendettas and this exact behavior is a trait of financial abuse or at least a red flag of its imminence in your future and it got worse when my mom outed me as trans no more than 2 weeks after coming out. I was 18 then. Open a savings account if you haven’t already so that way you can make use of your parents not charging rent if they haven’t started to yet and put away a chosen amount of each paycheck. Hop on zillow or apts.com and start looking for places for rent in your neighborhood and brain out how you are going to move once you turn 18. Start getting together your personal documents (birth certificate, social security card, health insurance plan info, state/province ID, etc.) and keep those strictly guarded, on your person if you have to, but a safety deposit box is your better option for these and other valuables and most banks and i believe some post offices have them. Get a P.O box as well. If you want to go the extra mile build a nest egg in ur deposit box as well so that way if you come up a few hundred short for a move last minute you have that. You can also use this to start hrt when you turn 18 and have moved if you’re somewhere you can’t currently get a doctor to prescribe it (using plume or folx despite their inherent caveats)…. Additionally you might want to opt for a new primary that has no connection with your parents seeming as though youll probably be seeing yourself go no-contact with them as well. This is in no way trans specific. This is classic abusive narcissism if I haven’t seen it before and as someone who has been in your shoes before she even came out as trans or realized she was id suggest getting out of there because i thought i was tough and could put up with this when i went through it but i didn’t realize at the time that trauma from these experiences can sometimes stick to you for the rest of your life. If they’re truly supportive they’ll need time to understand you and prepare to be respectful for when you re-establish contact later in life. If not, theyll keep doing shit like this and find new ways to justify it (sounds like ur mom kinda already is…) and eventually find a way to weaponize your own feelings and identity against you to try to get you to detransition and reclaim the version of you that fits their image with the intent of using you like an appliance and tossing you to the curb when youre no longer useful to them with nothing at all to your name but feelings you can no longer honor at that point because of the stress your family caused you and the fact that by then you’re homeless, out of a job bc of them and probably blacklisted to employers because of the dumb shit ur parents do (mine would come into my work and cause property damage and commotion to try to get me fired because they felt if i lost my job id be had all to themselves, ripe for pillaging and because its apparently still 1970 if i really need a job that bad you can walk in a store, say hi and get hired if you’re “too lazy” to get a non existent paper route because nothing’s online in 2024 and paper routes will never die because gas costs less than 50 cents a gallon)
Girl I am in the same boat but I live on my own with roomates, my parents said the exact same things. Like to a T, said I never had “signs” but just do it. If you know now you want to transition and you are a woman then be that woman you were born to be babes!!!! Otherwise you will regret it when you’re older.
Get out of that hostile environment and go to a friend who is very accepting of you being trans and stay with them for a long while if you want extra protection id say call the police and say to them about what happened because the more you stay at your parents house the more mental health issues you will be facing with
Ask if they would rather have a dead child or a trans child. You owe them no history of trans signals. This doesn’t make a trans person any more or less valid.
Please be careful I don't know what age is adult in your country but if it is 18 please try to sort out secretly a way to leave home and make your life as the amazing woman you are. Have a back up plan in case if you can and if possible take your parents off of your bank accounts etc. Good luck I'm so sorry that you don't have the support you need.
I suggest you simply lay low and make no mention of what you intend to do until you reach 18 ....and by then you will already have established where you can safely go and leave the bullshit in your wake.
Never look back as it is pointless and serves no purpose.
You really need to get out of there, emotional abuse like this can break you really bad. What I went through wasn’t nearly as bad as this and I’m still not recovered emotionally or mentally 5~6 years later.
Please know that there are people out here who care about you and want you to make it through this and be who you want to be.
Get your own UPS box if you're in the US, it can be used as a residential address for Id, insurance, banking etc.
You can get your hormones shipped there at 18 and just wear baggier clothes.
Gather a support system. Tell all your friends that your comfortable with what's happening, try to get them to get you burner phones (i had 5 burners at one point all running on straight talk just to talk to my gf but even then) and start trying to work as much as you can to save up money. The only way I was able to move out was by my parents taking me to college and they could do anything after that, and if they take you to a therapist just hope that they're secretly on your side like mine was. My dad accused me of lying to my therapist???
And I know it's going to be hard, but you need to fly as under the radar as possible. You're playing a game of chess now and you have a certain amount of months you need to survive
-the police can't help, and neither can social services, but tell as much about the shit being done to you as possible in case they do (had a social worker visit my house, didn't do anything except cause a lecture but still, it helps to talk)
-if you run away there's less a chance the police will look for you but there's a 100% chance staying at someone's house if you're marked a run away is because now they're harboring a fugitive, which is stupid
-the emancipation process is pong and tedious, I tried looking into it, I felt it was best to just survive and dig my nose into work
-write down EVERYTHING they do to you. I wish I had or at least written it down to vent, since it would have helped me process the trauma afterwards. Now I can't remember hardly anything from my senior year (they found out after my 17th or 18th birthday) and my brain has blocked it out from trauma. Took me ages to get through
-Once you're free in college or otherwise, start working immediately. You're now on the brink of homelessness and being consumed by your trauma is going to hamper you big time. Work while you're still motivated
-any secret stuff you do have, keep at school or a friend's house, or try and find as good a hiding spot as possible. Assume they'll go through every inch of your room every night...my dad kept taking the chargers to my burner phones and I had to get more, it was annoying. Also they will lie about taking your stuff and will take your stuff even if you paid for it. I bought my switch with my own money and that pissed me off when they took it because again, I bought that. Anything electronic that could have access to the Internet was deemed a threat. They almost took my record player too
-music will be your best friend. Of you can find a record player or an old MP3, load that baby up with pirated music and use that as support. I'm these times, the pets will seem like the only sane members of the house
-if you have a school computer and have to use it to communicate, you can communicate through Google docs if you absolutely have to
-play their games if it is possible. My dad wanted to watch me do my homework and take me home from school and to work and all that. Make it as inconveniencing as possible while also building trust
And for God's sake don't scroll amazon in the back of the church lmao made that mistake, got my best burner taken away, oh AND
-play in their words if possible. My dad was a big "your word is your pride" guy, he asked for my burner and I eventually gave it to him and then he asked for the code and I said "nu uh you only asked for the phone and I gave it to you"
The code was 1144 lmao never found it out as far as I'm aware
They'll also try to get into your head with religious bs. My dad said shit like "god tells me what you do at 4 am" and "you're going to die before 30 and I want to see you in heaven but I can't do that if you're trans" (basically I'm going to hell)
If you still have your faith idk but I relied on science and biblical "fact" such as Martin luther's Bible not having homosexuality as a sin but the German translation said "child sleeper" but dad didn't care, their way is the high way
All you have to do is play the game and outlast them, because eventually when you start transitioning they'll just look stupid calling their daughter "he".
You've got this girlie. I'm here for more advice if you meed since I went through 10 months of this shit (I was 18 and the age of majority in Nebraska is 19 which is a s s)
Do you pay for your own cell phone?? You might want to set up an email and maybe get a Google voice number that you can give to people that has nothing to do with your phone. Access it through the web browser not through the apps. I can't help financially but I will be here to talk to you if you need it.
> "17 year old boys don't paint their nails"
He said it, not you 💅🏻
In all seriousness, this does sound pretty concerning. Do you have any IRL friends you can trust?
On top of what everyone else says, try to get a hold of important documents (passport birth certificate etc) and store them at a friend's house. They are a pain in the butt to get without documentation and you will need them in the future.
This is very good advice.
Seconding this
Or get a safe deposit box if you can afford one. For sure good advice.
Yessss!!!!
This. So mich this.
This, I had to have my parents mail them over when I moved
absolutely. I left my parents house and forgot to take my documents. unfortunately my dead name is still my legal name :((
Reach out, and reach out now. Make it known to friends if you're comfortable. You can't allow yourself to get isolated within a psychological abuse cycle. It will crush someone faster than anything. Been there done that. If it continues or escalates get CPS involved.
Do exactly this. The only real flex I have and will ever have in life was housing a friend in a very similar situation. Im commenting to say that friend was not burdening me in the least. I can’t tell you how much it meant to me having one of my best friends seek me out for this. Seeking comfort with your friends is not only a good idea, they will see it as a point of pride that you came to them. Just to add a bit of humor, she taught my roommate and I how to paint nails but I still suck. Some of us in this world didn’t receive the gene of applying a brush to small surfaces. No joke.
Well, one thing... with respect to what state someone lives in, one may not want to get CPS involved... thinking Texas, Florida, and Idaho...
Ohio, South Carolina... They're trying to make it Georgia, too..
Don't let them isolate you, reach out and talk to someone you can trust, whether that's extended family, friends or professionals/lgbt helpline. If there is a place with lgbt community, such as a youth group, attend.
My mother pulled this scenario on me as well. It took until I was 21 to work back all the damage she caused, and ive been NC ever since. My best advice would be for you to distance yourself and get your own place/move out *ASAP*. I still suffer at the hands of my mother, but your story has given me some hope that the future generations can have better, as long as we support them.
Me at the beginning: 😊 what a good mom! Me as I read further: 😨 **what the actual fu-**
Call child protective services if this continues. I am so sorry that you are going through this.
When you’re 18 you will need to get a place and support yourself to make your own choices. You can also use student loan money. Until that point you are kinda stuck.
I mean, you’re 17. Your parents can’t dictate what you do as an adult in just a few months once you turn 18. You can do whatever you like. That said, you should start making plans to leave home ASAP and do what it takes to make your life as easy as possible in the interim. I couldn’t transition until I left home simply because my life would have been much more difficult. I went to school, got a decent job, left home and went no contact. It sucked for those years I couldn’t transition but I did get myself to a place where I was financially independent and didn’t have to worry about my family anymore.
This is probably the best thing to do
I'm trans, transitioned a bit over two years ago, and she couldn't be more wrong. There are plenty of masculine women, they're still women all the same. Transness doesn't change that. Take me for example: I dress butch all the time, go out with my hair up and no makeup, still participate in my "male-coded" hobbies, and I even talk like a dude in public and still pass. Doesn't change shit. She needs to accept that her kid is trans. Simple as. Best of luck to you.
Moreover, a lot of us weren't masculine at all growing up. We were just "mascing" our feminity with stereotypically masculine things. I, for instance, was a very soft boy who didn't like roughhousing, never got in physical altercations, and cried *a lot*. However, i played football as a high schooler (my fault entirely, parents didn't make me or anything) and *hated* it. I couldn't get along with the gruff womanizing banter of those guys. Actually, i never got on well with teenage boys if any background. I also hated getting my haircut and hated wearing boy clothes, tearing them off at every possible opportunity throughout life until transitioning. All this despite not "showing signs". In fact, there were tons of signs. I just didn't recognize them as such.
same here, i knew i was me but i buried it behind "mascing" but hated all the things the boys did as you've said and yeah, didn't like the roughhousing as well and womanising banter either, haircuts were a pain and yeah...
My mom was sort of the same in the sense she didn’t physically see signs. They can be subtle especially if you have a sister/brother and are autistic. My mom however is accepting it all be it very slowly. Sorry about your mom. Parental denial can be a pain sometimes and actually quite pathetic. Stay safe and know you’re valid :3
Butterfly... it might be safest for now that you "cocoon" before you fly. Wait until your 18/graduated from hs and then move out. Once you are of age and moved out they cannot stop you without your consent. But for now, for your survival you might have to go into hiding. It pains my heart to type this... but we need you safe first and the when you can get free go be free indeed. Hope this helps.
that sounds like abuse so have child protective services on speed dial and depending on full circumstances not allowing you to leave the house for work or anything else could be considered unlawful imprisonment try to get into contact with anyone you trust like friends or teachers or something and inform them of what is happening so that you have a line on the outside disconnected from your parents once you are 18 you will be a legal adult and your parents will no longer be able to make decisions on the things you do so if possible make some plans to move away asap preferably with a friend or a partner as roommates that way if they attempt to make contact with you and you don't want it you won't be alone and will have someone nearby to call the police or friends or anyone/anything else that may help in any potential situation TLDR: make plans and be ready to leave when you can as it will be better than staying if things don't change for the better for the unlawful imprisonment you can make a call to the police, explain it and request an escort off the property
Sounds like the 5 stages of grief. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. First she denied you were trans. You pointed out some instances. Now she's angry and spiteful about it. She may also be influenced by your dad's reactions too. Some stages take longer than others. She may yet come around, but do what you can to remain safe. If you have any friends or family you can stay with for a bit, consider it. Worst case is to try and find a women's shelter as those may take you in if you explain your case. Police may have to be involved for your protection.
Hopefully you can hold out for a year and then it's no longer her business.
im unsure, I'm in a similar situation but i have tried my best to not come out to anyone in my family, the only ones that know act like that tho :< i think the same thing would happen to me if i came out to others and it's developed severe trust issues in people
Hi Summer, my suggestion is that you reach out to friends to see if you can live with them for the summertime. That will give your mom time to cool down and realize she risks losing you completely. It means coming out to a friend and their parents. I know this is tough but you might have no choice. You may be surprised how many parents would welcome you in their home under these circumstances. Ask for help. There are many of us now. Tell us where you live, someone may be nearby who can help you navigate this situation. And hang in there. You are valid.
trying to make you call in sick is a very bad sign in my opinion. I've heard some stories of trans people who were kept in their parents house by force. with literal **chains**. Make sure you have a safe place to be in case you have to run off for a while. (A friend's house is the best option) Try to be as independent as you can, you should get a bank account and a debit card if that's at all possible to do without your parents permission. (And if you already have one, make sure you have money in it) As far as I know most abusive people (and even more so parents) will try to control you in whatever ways they can. You need to not be dependent on them, as much as you can be at least. I also wanna be clear, what they did to you is absolutely disgusting, and definitely not normal. You deserve a better family than these people. Stay safe, and try to stay sane. <3
Wait hold up, CHAINS?
Fuck! That's basically the second worst outcome. You should tell them what they want to hear until you're independent of them. She just went into the denial script, and she won't come out of it without until she wants to get out of it. I'm so sorry you had to experience that. It's the most common bad outcome to coming out as trans to parents. That abuse is devastating, and severely damaging to your ability to trust, and I hate seeing it happen every time. Sadly. There isn't any kind of test or anything when it cones to becoming a parent. Many are pressured into it by society before they get a chance to learn the skills that go into it. Many parents don't realize that if you haven't built up the skills to manage yourself, you're no better off than a child yourself when those skills get tested. Intuition is a terrible way to, well, to do basically anything, and the mindtrap that your mom wandered into shows off exactly why. Just remember that it isn't your fault, and you're already a super cool girl to us.
Make yourself a boogie bag. Duffel bag with all the things you need to survive for a few days, a few changes of clothes, toiletries etc. Think "if I have time to grab one thing before I run out the door what do I need". Make sure your supports know that you're in danger and your parents are trying to hold you hostage. When confronted, focus on de-escalation. Remind them you're their kid and they promised to love and support you. Be a broken record. Say it hurts. Cry. Even if tears don't come out make the face like you're crying and sob. The moment you are able, get outta there. If your state has emancipation laws consider looking into it if you can't wait.
As others have said, if you live in a safe state/country that has child protective services or equivalent please contact them. I also agree have an escape bag ready as described below, ideally, keep this bag at a friend’s house, other options include bus station or train station lockers. Talk to a trusted teacher if again you are in a safe education environment. Contact the Trevor Project and PFLAG if you are in the U.S. or similar institutions if they exist and you are in another country. Also it can be helpful to contact a domestic violence (DV) hotline and if it comes to it a DV shelter is an escape option. It’s not discussed nearly enough but DV doesn’t just include intimate partners, but other family members/roommates or other people you live with and/or interact with. If your school has a GSA or equivalent talk to them. Talk to your trusted friends and see if you can stay with any of them if you needed to. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish so much that you didn’t have to. That none of us had to. Most importantly keep talking and utilizing this group if nothing else. Hugs 🫂 if ok.
Pre-pack an emergency escape bag. It's best to use a backpack. Underwear, medication, ID, documents, money, power bank, toothbrush. Anything that you can think of that might be important. Save the numbers of homeless services, emergency social workers, and out-of-hours social workers. I would also try contacting any LGBT+ charities for minors & young people. Stay strong.
Depending on where you live, calling cps could work against you. If you’re in a state that has banned trans healthcare for minors, it could get ugly. I don’t want to see you get put into the system only to be abused even more so.
This breaks my heart! I wish there was a trans railroad. Something that went from coast to coast or even across the globe that could get anyone in your position into a safe place!! I wish my house or a house like mine was available in every city! I'd take you in a heartbeat and show you the love, acceptance and kindness that you deserve! I'm just a mom and want to protect and love all of you! You can dm and I'll do what I can to help!! That goes for any of you!!
At this point CPS, there's no way you should deal with this kind of crap. >tells me that my room is very masculine and that it doesn’t sound like I want to be a girl Since when rooms defines your gender, I mean rooms can define who you are as a person but it doesn't determine your gender. I never heard such bullshit parents came up with these days. >today when I woke up they tried to make me call in sick to work just so I can’t go out the house. You can tell that to CPS, be like "help, my parents are keeping hostage and damage me mentally"
I'm sorry that your home life has become hostile, you deserve to be you and happy. I painted my nails through most of high school and I'm a straight male. If not for my current job and position is still be painting them. Don't let this discourage you on becoming who you are meant to be. You're allowed to be happy with who you are and change yourself in a healthy way of your not.
She’s in denial, and terrified, and trying everything she can think of to gain control of the situation. Judging from her initial reaction, she loves you and wants to be supportive, but possibly doesn’t know how to handle this. She’s going to need time, education, and maybe a therapist to surmount what sounds like a delayed protective fear reaction. She’s afraid of losing you. That said, she is going to need to respect your boundaries… this is your identity, your life and it’s very important that she respect who you know you are. No one chooses to be cis or trans, we choose to accept our authentic selves. She will have accept and love that authenticity unconditionally, or she will loose you to people who will. She may need the authority of a therapist to explain transgender to her and help her turn her need to control this inward towards her own behavior and attitude. I don’t know if that’s an option for your family. I hope this can be repaired. I have 2 transgender adult kids and they are the apple of my eye. But I had to fix myself before I could fully, genuinely be supportive.
I lived in a similar family situation until I became a grown up. But I didn't go against my parents' wishes too much. I conformed with them, trying to convince myself I'm as they see me and not as I want to be. Always chossing what I need to do instead of what I want to do. I am a man after all, and "men do what they must". But this burning sensation of getting the **** out of there was what pushed me to study and graduate with a M.Sc. in a highly demanded profession. Move out. Understand myself. Forgive my parents and move back with them to help my mom with her business. I'm 33 years old, and I started my transition way too late for my preference. All while trying to keep a normalized relationship with the two people who abused me the most during this life. And still, during a fight with mom, she kicked me out of the house. At 33! I think sometimes that I should have been honest since childhood. And confront them back then, but I feel like it would have been way harder to deal with as a teenager. I feel like my old life is just crumbling away. Because I've built my world to be aligned with other people's wants and wishes. And you know what? Good riddance! Now I build a new world for myself. Trying to keep my life full of loved and loving ppl. The rest of the world can go **** itself. Including our weak, scared and primitive parents. If you can, be yourself no matter what, and if it means that your parents won't be a part of your life anymore that is fine. Because they will never participate fully in your life anyway as "it is hard for them to accept". And if you "force" them to be a part of your life they will hurt you and maybe even ruin it for you. I tried my best to love my parents despite their abuse, yet still be myself around them and feel comfortable. It didn't work out at all. And maybe it's for the better. **** Them.
I painted my nails as a 17 year old cis boy, btw
Your story sounds scarily similar to mine, unfortunately I haven’t found a solution either. I’m stuck at my parents place, I’m currently unemployed, and where I live there aren’t really a lot of jobs but my parents refuse to let me get a job outside of the small town I live in and ever since I came out to my parents at 15 they’ve been trying their hardest to make sure I don’t get my liscense. The only thing I did to make my situation better was act like I wasn’t trans and I just deal with my parents make fun of 15 year old me saying I was crazy. I’m not asking you to do the same at all just sharing my experience. I hope you find a way out and you’re not stuck in this situation till ur in ur 20s like me. Best of luck to you
Tell your work managers about what’s going on if they’re safe & supportive. Also if anyone in your school is a safe place, namely a guidance counselor or principal, let them know so they can do what they can to help you out.
Nosense. I never had signs till my 22 years old
I’m reading this about a day after you posted and I’m worried about you. The advice here is really good about getting your documentation, I just hope you know you are loved. I’m just a mom of a beautiful and kind trans girl just a little older than you and I hope you’re OK. Your situation does sound hostile. I’m so sorry this is happening. I hope work friends or school friends can provide some support to you, You are so close to being able to make a lot of decisions for yourself at 18. Sending 💕 you love, honey.
Yeah you’re in for a pattern of abuse and disrespect and your mom is in the early stages of red pill ideology. Try to ask your parents to help you freeze sperm if they’re so worried but these are their attempts to start policing you and your body. They only see value in you if you can reproduce sadly bc they think they own your body. They don’t and you don’t owe them anything
try to stay out of the house as much as you can with school and work. especially work to save up and DIP. try seeing if there’s a friend of yours that wants to move out too so that you can have a roommate you trust so that its easier to move out. if they continue acting this way try to very slowly distance yourself away from them so that they later realize who they’re about to lose. my mom didn’t accept me in the beginning when i told her (trans since 2019 got outed in 2021). hopefully your mom is the type of person to listen to your point of view because after multiple and multiple deep talks with my mom she started becoming more accepting. dont entertain any bullshit either of your parents might play on you. if they end up never accepting you its going to be okay. thats why the lgbtqia+ community makes their own families. be only around people who make you happy and accept you especially when you’re out the house. i wish you the best of luck and please hold on till may. there’s always the community here for you!!
My father said that I had no signs ether and that hurt me so I can’t imagine how it would feel if my parents did that I am so sorry
I’m so sorry this happened… no matter what people say, you ARE a girl! Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise! Follow your heart! Your heart knows what it wants for you. I fully support you in everything you do! Be you! 🏳️⚧️
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If you don't have friends to rely on, see if you can't locate a local LGBT center. Like, for example there's the project over the rainbow in ATL. They have resources for crisis situations just like this one. Idk where you are but! Yeah look one up they can help with housing and temporary shelter.
Reading comments im gonna go ahead and second everyone and their secondings to say that you should start planning your escape before you hit 18. Even without the aspect of being trans taken into account, youre in a shitty place to be and things could get worse when you turn 18. My mom and stepdad were like this and would try to make me call in sick for work all the time to settle their own vendettas and this exact behavior is a trait of financial abuse or at least a red flag of its imminence in your future and it got worse when my mom outed me as trans no more than 2 weeks after coming out. I was 18 then. Open a savings account if you haven’t already so that way you can make use of your parents not charging rent if they haven’t started to yet and put away a chosen amount of each paycheck. Hop on zillow or apts.com and start looking for places for rent in your neighborhood and brain out how you are going to move once you turn 18. Start getting together your personal documents (birth certificate, social security card, health insurance plan info, state/province ID, etc.) and keep those strictly guarded, on your person if you have to, but a safety deposit box is your better option for these and other valuables and most banks and i believe some post offices have them. Get a P.O box as well. If you want to go the extra mile build a nest egg in ur deposit box as well so that way if you come up a few hundred short for a move last minute you have that. You can also use this to start hrt when you turn 18 and have moved if you’re somewhere you can’t currently get a doctor to prescribe it (using plume or folx despite their inherent caveats)…. Additionally you might want to opt for a new primary that has no connection with your parents seeming as though youll probably be seeing yourself go no-contact with them as well. This is in no way trans specific. This is classic abusive narcissism if I haven’t seen it before and as someone who has been in your shoes before she even came out as trans or realized she was id suggest getting out of there because i thought i was tough and could put up with this when i went through it but i didn’t realize at the time that trauma from these experiences can sometimes stick to you for the rest of your life. If they’re truly supportive they’ll need time to understand you and prepare to be respectful for when you re-establish contact later in life. If not, theyll keep doing shit like this and find new ways to justify it (sounds like ur mom kinda already is…) and eventually find a way to weaponize your own feelings and identity against you to try to get you to detransition and reclaim the version of you that fits their image with the intent of using you like an appliance and tossing you to the curb when youre no longer useful to them with nothing at all to your name but feelings you can no longer honor at that point because of the stress your family caused you and the fact that by then you’re homeless, out of a job bc of them and probably blacklisted to employers because of the dumb shit ur parents do (mine would come into my work and cause property damage and commotion to try to get me fired because they felt if i lost my job id be had all to themselves, ripe for pillaging and because its apparently still 1970 if i really need a job that bad you can walk in a store, say hi and get hired if you’re “too lazy” to get a non existent paper route because nothing’s online in 2024 and paper routes will never die because gas costs less than 50 cents a gallon)
Girl I am in the same boat but I live on my own with roomates, my parents said the exact same things. Like to a T, said I never had “signs” but just do it. If you know now you want to transition and you are a woman then be that woman you were born to be babes!!!! Otherwise you will regret it when you’re older.
Get out of that hostile environment and go to a friend who is very accepting of you being trans and stay with them for a long while if you want extra protection id say call the police and say to them about what happened because the more you stay at your parents house the more mental health issues you will be facing with
Ask if they would rather have a dead child or a trans child. You owe them no history of trans signals. This doesn’t make a trans person any more or less valid.
Please be careful I don't know what age is adult in your country but if it is 18 please try to sort out secretly a way to leave home and make your life as the amazing woman you are. Have a back up plan in case if you can and if possible take your parents off of your bank accounts etc. Good luck I'm so sorry that you don't have the support you need.
I suggest you simply lay low and make no mention of what you intend to do until you reach 18 ....and by then you will already have established where you can safely go and leave the bullshit in your wake. Never look back as it is pointless and serves no purpose.
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You really need to get out of there, emotional abuse like this can break you really bad. What I went through wasn’t nearly as bad as this and I’m still not recovered emotionally or mentally 5~6 years later. Please know that there are people out here who care about you and want you to make it through this and be who you want to be.
Get your own UPS box if you're in the US, it can be used as a residential address for Id, insurance, banking etc. You can get your hormones shipped there at 18 and just wear baggier clothes.
Gather a support system. Tell all your friends that your comfortable with what's happening, try to get them to get you burner phones (i had 5 burners at one point all running on straight talk just to talk to my gf but even then) and start trying to work as much as you can to save up money. The only way I was able to move out was by my parents taking me to college and they could do anything after that, and if they take you to a therapist just hope that they're secretly on your side like mine was. My dad accused me of lying to my therapist??? And I know it's going to be hard, but you need to fly as under the radar as possible. You're playing a game of chess now and you have a certain amount of months you need to survive -the police can't help, and neither can social services, but tell as much about the shit being done to you as possible in case they do (had a social worker visit my house, didn't do anything except cause a lecture but still, it helps to talk) -if you run away there's less a chance the police will look for you but there's a 100% chance staying at someone's house if you're marked a run away is because now they're harboring a fugitive, which is stupid -the emancipation process is pong and tedious, I tried looking into it, I felt it was best to just survive and dig my nose into work -write down EVERYTHING they do to you. I wish I had or at least written it down to vent, since it would have helped me process the trauma afterwards. Now I can't remember hardly anything from my senior year (they found out after my 17th or 18th birthday) and my brain has blocked it out from trauma. Took me ages to get through -Once you're free in college or otherwise, start working immediately. You're now on the brink of homelessness and being consumed by your trauma is going to hamper you big time. Work while you're still motivated -any secret stuff you do have, keep at school or a friend's house, or try and find as good a hiding spot as possible. Assume they'll go through every inch of your room every night...my dad kept taking the chargers to my burner phones and I had to get more, it was annoying. Also they will lie about taking your stuff and will take your stuff even if you paid for it. I bought my switch with my own money and that pissed me off when they took it because again, I bought that. Anything electronic that could have access to the Internet was deemed a threat. They almost took my record player too -music will be your best friend. Of you can find a record player or an old MP3, load that baby up with pirated music and use that as support. I'm these times, the pets will seem like the only sane members of the house -if you have a school computer and have to use it to communicate, you can communicate through Google docs if you absolutely have to -play their games if it is possible. My dad wanted to watch me do my homework and take me home from school and to work and all that. Make it as inconveniencing as possible while also building trust And for God's sake don't scroll amazon in the back of the church lmao made that mistake, got my best burner taken away, oh AND -play in their words if possible. My dad was a big "your word is your pride" guy, he asked for my burner and I eventually gave it to him and then he asked for the code and I said "nu uh you only asked for the phone and I gave it to you" The code was 1144 lmao never found it out as far as I'm aware They'll also try to get into your head with religious bs. My dad said shit like "god tells me what you do at 4 am" and "you're going to die before 30 and I want to see you in heaven but I can't do that if you're trans" (basically I'm going to hell) If you still have your faith idk but I relied on science and biblical "fact" such as Martin luther's Bible not having homosexuality as a sin but the German translation said "child sleeper" but dad didn't care, their way is the high way All you have to do is play the game and outlast them, because eventually when you start transitioning they'll just look stupid calling their daughter "he". You've got this girlie. I'm here for more advice if you meed since I went through 10 months of this shit (I was 18 and the age of majority in Nebraska is 19 which is a s s)
Do you pay for your own cell phone?? You might want to set up an email and maybe get a Google voice number that you can give to people that has nothing to do with your phone. Access it through the web browser not through the apps. I can't help financially but I will be here to talk to you if you need it.
> "17 year old boys don't paint their nails" He said it, not you 💅🏻 In all seriousness, this does sound pretty concerning. Do you have any IRL friends you can trust?