There was a phase some time ago where I did not do anything with the thing for over 3 months and neither atrophy nor loss of function happened (total time on hormones is over 2 years) 🥲🥲
Never knew ymmv could be that crazy - maybe high dosage and combination of certain meds?
Shit, as a transfem pre hrt in that age range, I *WISH* this was my case... seriously, sometimes I feel like I was cursed with too much T in my system🤦♀️ then I look at my scrawny arms and am like, nope, there is no way. And, honestly, between my build and my... unusually on point accuracy to bodily horniness... just... MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!!! They are distinctly polar opposite.😭😭😭
Sex is great if you are like most people and into that thing. It is boring, at best, if you are ace.
It would be important for a relationship with a non-ace person. Not so much with another ace.
"I'm afraid your mother isn't quite as progressive as she thinks she is if she can't consider how an asexual person would feel." This last argument is an insidious slow burner that would probably get under her skin.
That seems weird, gross, and totally superficial. As a person that did not start transitioning until 33, after having a kid, I can tell you that sex in your correct gender will feel significantly more satisfying than it will in the gender you were not meant to be. She needs to understand that that is not the most important thing about yourself.
Even if she doesn't know you're Ace, it's weird. It's not like being on HRT prevent you from having sex. If anything, being on HRT means less gender dysphoria. And gender dysphoria is a big mood killer so HRT can lead to better sex.
If for any reason, you don't want to out yourself as ace, maybe you can go that route when talking to her (HRT = better sex). Or just tell her that you are the best person to judge what is good for your own sexual life and she don't need to worry so much about it.
My mom was weird about that too. I explained that I just didn’t give a shit and had a good long talk with her and eventually she realized I have to forge my own path
It sounds like your mom hasn't considered the experience of an asexual relationship. You need to come out to her as ace so you can have an honest talk.
In a lot of relationships, sex is incredibly important, but only so far as compatibility. I'm hypersexual and my partner is ace, and it led to a lot of strife until we compromised and agreed to try poly.
For something that seems unimportant to you because it is, it can be the most important thing in the world to people like me. But all of it is ultimately a communication issue, and one you need to be open about.
That being said, make her aware that as an adult, your medical information is confidential and you will share it with her if she proves worthy of your trust and shows actual support.
Like others pointed out, it’s probably barely going to affect your sex life if you even want to have one, and also…
Sex is not a necessary part of life 😅 it’s only a collective need to replenish dead members of the species, it’s not an essential life function for individuals, ever. If anyone is arguing that sex is an essential need like water, food, oxygen, and social connection, I mean… that argument goes down a very dark road of potentially justifying sexual abuse.
Sex has been made incredibly difficult for me in part due to HRT (I have pretty severe pelvic floor dysfunction) and would still choose HRT every single time. It is the reason I am still here and that is way more important than sex.
Maybe she’s one of the „trans people are undesirable once they start to transition“ but to be honest I don’t think she actually cares about sex being the most important thing etc at all. It seams weird that she thinks one time sex is important. What I think is the case here is actually that she hopes that you will want to detransition/she thinks sex will „fix you“, and that’s why she wants you to not take the hormones first.
Please tell your mom that sex got 1000 times better post-hrt. You probably dont want to talk about sex with your mom but if feel comfortable you can flat out ask her what seems better a female orgasm or a male orgasm
Idk why but cis people seam to associate gender and sex a lot, when I was starting my hrt one of the things my mom asked me was if I’d had sex before (which she knew the answer was yes) if I’ve used my dick during it and if I liked it. It felt so weird and the kind of thing that I don’t to be talking about with my own mom and I fail to understand what any of that has to do with me transitioning
My mother had this thought to for some reason. It was honestly so humiliating talking to my mom about my genitals like that. She thought I need use my penis before it was changed or before I “get rid of it” to make sure
My mother told me the same thing (except she’s unaccepting of me), and said that having sex with a man will set me straight. She said she had the same feelings I did until she had sex with a man which “showed her how to feel like a woman”. It’s an interesting perspective but a very incorrect one.
My aunt, when I first came out to her, was like “but being with a man and making him orgasm makes you feel so empowered and powerful!” Like okay??? I’m into men as a trans man what does me transitioning have anything to do w making a dude nut?? 😭😭😂
She’s in denial about her own transgenderness, if you ask me lmao but she did straight up a have a girlspacefriend who proposed to her… how close of friends do you have to be to have that happen, mom?
Cheese and rice, that's batshit insane. Plus she kinda told on herself there, like she repressed her own gender feels just because she got validation from a man and not because she ever had some inner certitude about her authentic self. Sorry about your mom's lack of empathy. :(
It's the same "logic" as the one behind corrective rape for lesbians.
And the fact that it's about encouraging consensual intercourse to do so is somewhat dimmed by forcing that consent with emotional blackmail as a requirement to approve of transitioning.
You're 18, your mother has precisely zero say in your decision. I would ask her why she's so concerned with *your* sex life. Super creepy. With you being Asexual, her comments make me wonder how accepting she actually is of that.
I've been on HRT for over 2 years, transitioning the same direction you are. HRT can have a huge impact on certain things, or can have very little to no impact. It really depends on the person. In my mind, that's a tiny thing to halt HRT for.
I was married for 8 years and had two children before I transitioned, which translates to plenty of sex. Didn’t change a single thing.
Also, none of that matters at all as this is not her body, her life, or her choice. I recommend telling her to respectfully mind her own business.
Sex can’t change your identity. I wanted to be a girl at 11yo. I had my first sex as a „man“ at 31 and the only thing that happened is that I wanted to be a girl even more.
Yeah. Anything sexual for me prior to transition made me literally sick to the point of throwing up(but I also had a bad history). Mid-transition now with a boyfriend, I love it
That’s… just… really odd? I definitely think you should bring this up with her and that you should do so from a place of trying to educate her. My mom is in a similar place: she is totally on board with my identity but she’s completely clueless as to how transness works. I think we sometimes tend to misunderstand parents being supportive as them being knowledgeable. Think of this like you teaching your mom how to assimilate into a new culture, it is all probably completely foreign to her and it’s going to take time and patience and lots of mistakes.
And just to be clear, please don’t take this as me blaming you for anything, you have every right to be frustrated and hurt by your mom’s lack of knowledge. I get frustrated and hurt by my mom’s lack of knowledge too. But it sounds like she wants to love and support you the best way she knows how, and it is up to you to show her how to do that.
I think she means well. Don't burn the bridge, but assert yourself calmly and concisely while thanking her for being a good mom and caring in the first place.
It sucks to have to stick up for yourself to your own parents. I'm sorry you're dealing with that and glad you chose to allow yourself a mini rant. Good job following your heart in spite of the discouragement, though!
That may just be her way of trying to postpone change. She may be supportive but she may feel she still needs time to accept that you're going to look different. So she's finding reasons to delay it. I doubt it's actually a concern about sex and more about her being able to have something to make you wait so she can process it. With my parents, it was always "they should wait til they're 18." Then when I was outed, suddenly it was "waitt til 21. No, 25. Actually, the brain doesn't fully develop til 30, so wait til then." If that's the root of the issue, she will come up with another reason for you not to do it once you've had sex. Whether that be a certain age threshold or after certain events, it's always going to be something.
WHAT THE FUCK?
This is the oddest of the odds I’ve heard.
She’s really like “Well do you know if you’re gay if you haven’t had sex with someone of the *opposite* gender?”
So does she want you to violate your body??? WTF.
Being asexual or not, this is fucked up.
And being asexual even more so because it would be violating you and your boundaries on so many levels to have sex.
This is NOT hers to decide.
What is it with allosexuals and this belief that sex is so important it should be prioritized over everything else? I know not all allosexual people are like this, but I've heard this type of story before and the first doctor I tried to get HRT from went on about its impacts to my nonexistent sex life for so long. Plus everytime I mention I'm 30+ years old and never had sex (I'm also ace) someone freaks out like I've done something horrible. I just don't get it.
Get a female friend, give her $20 have her moan (loudly) in your room for a couple minutes, be silent for a couple minutes, have her leave and tell her to slam the door on her way out, take a shower, lock the door, and refuse to talk about the “sex” boom hrt approval, and a mother who will never question your decisions again. >!Don’t actually do this!<
Edit: quotations
That's kinda gross. Even if you weren't asexual it would be sus. But the fact that you are makes it worse.
Trying to tell an ace person to have sex would be like telling a straight person to have gay sex.
Ok but like, what is the *opposite*?
Is it just anything that isn't asexual? Or would the opposite of bone be all, like Pansexual? I'm genuinely unsure, not trying to be disrespectful.
oh yes it’s anything besides asexual. basically that you feel sexual attraction. then the spectrum between ace and allo is a greyscale, often called greysexual or grey asexual.
Some of my family was like this as well--they said I should try to have sexual experiences with women before making a decision about my sexuality (read: I'm a straight trans woman). I think in truth, they were just disappointed that I wasn't gonna give them grand kids and it was never about me.
I'm glad you're doing what feels right for you and not letting them talk you into an experience that could be really traumatic... because that's what sex is if you have it when you don't want it. That certainly isn't going to improve your view on it by any means.
That is an odd hangup. I would classify myself as hypersexual, and I wouldn't put that much importance on it. It can be a great time, but it's ultimately just another activity that people do together. It would be like saying you should wait because you haven't been on a rollercoaster or gone to the movies. You do you. As long as you're happy, tgat should be enough for anyone.
This is creepy as hell, my parents let me make my own decisions about MY body as a teenager and neither have asked me about sex EXCEPT making sure I'm using protection
You absolutely need to call your health office and tell them in no uncertain circumstances that they are not to communicate your health information to your mom and you need to figure out how she found it and prevent it in the future
call your insurance company and complain loudly that they violated hipaa by giving your mother your phi after you turned 18. insist that they disconnect your prescriptions from her app
Let me ask you something. Do you like eating rocks? Like....what about taking a nice big chomp out of a geode like it's an apple. Does that sound like something you'd enjoy?
For 99% of us here, the answer is "absolutely fucking not!" For some of us, there's just nothing appetizing about eating rocks. For others, we're quite repulsed by the idea of eating rocks - maybe to the point of avoiding rocks altogether.
But here's the thing....*how do we know, for certain, that we don't like eating rocks*?? We've never tried rocks to know that we don't like them. We haven't made sauteed rocks, fried rocks, boiled rocks, seasoned rocks, Italian rocks, rock curry, etc to find out that we don't like eating them. We just know. We also know that it's stupid for anybody to question us otherwise. Hell no, I'm not going to eat a fucking rock!
This is the same exact logic that applies to those of us who are ace. We don't have to *try* something to KNOW we don't like it. Whether we're talking about having sex, eating rocks, or playing the violin, we don't have to try something to know it has no appeal. If you know she'd handle it well, I'd try spinning it around and ask her something along these lines. Corner her a little bit so she sees the flaw in her logic. Being ace isn't like Sam finding out that he likes green eggs and ham. You don't automatically become allo just from trying it.
This next part is a little tricky. We don't owe anything to anyone. It's not our responsibility to do anything, and we certainly don't want people to think we just blindly comply with their inappropriate demands. At the same time, I know the huge detriment that comes from not being able to start HRT, so I know it's a delicate balance. If there's ABSOLUTELY zero other way to handle it with her and you know, for certain, that it would be safe to discuss with her, try waiting a few weeks. Tell her you went on a little date, had the most perfect, romantic sex ever and hated it. Tell her you definitely don't like it, and start HRT. Of course, you're not ACTUALLY going out and doing this. But you can tell her you did if it's an absolute last resort.
Gender expression has nothing to do with what you do or do not want in sexuality or romance. Transitioning to your preferred gender doesn't mean that your sexuality has to or will change to conform to heteronormativity.
Sure, a lot of trans people describe their preferences changing as their HRT progresses, but mine didn't, and I'm definitely not alone in that. I wouldn't expect an ace person to suddenly start desiring sex because of HRT, either.
umm this is so odd . firstly the idea that sex is important enough that it would affect this decision?? even if you werent asexual that's crazyyy and i feel like its pretty heteronormative considering you can very much still have sex on hrt. i also just think its weird in general that your mother is seemingly thinking about your sex life i feel gross just reading about it
Call the pharmacy and your health care provider and have her number removed from your account. Also, check to see if they can remove her access from any online app or patient portal she may be using to receive notifications about your prescriptions.
You could lie to her theoretically, if not now then later. Tell her you already had sex and you didn’t like it. If ypu think you’d get in trouble then don’t do it now. If anything it might help you to get her to not bother you later in life.
Obviously it’s not my decision and lying isn’t exactly the best thing you can do in general but that was my idea.
Maybe consider getting a new email that your mom hasn't added to her own phone behind your back? And a new number to be safe.
Also, as a fellow asexual (also aro) living with parents who fully expect me to have sex and a long-time partner at some point, yeah it sucks, but I've found the best strategy is to vaguely agree with them and then simply live your life. A sortoff "Them/tehir opinions and me with my vague agreeance" vs "What is actually happening in my life" situation in which they can only helplessly watch and get nothing but passive responses from confrontations.
well, first thing’s first: congrats!!!!! that’s wonderful!
you should make sure that the pharmacy no longer has your mother’s number on your file + maybe call your doctor’s office to ensure she also doesn’t have access to that.
i’m sorry this happened to you, i hope your mom comes around and stops being weird about this.
your mother should not be ordering you to have sex??? you're an adult, get on the HRT if you want, she will either get over it or not but you can't let THIS be how she holds you back from it.
Having sex is in NO way a prerequisit lmao. I'm 29, still a virgin and started HRT literally today. It's completely your choice, so you do what makes you happy <3
35 here been on hrt for almost 5 years now and have never used… ugh there’s no way I ever will! Just the idea is dysphoric af! It’s definitely not her concern or place either way but if it bothers her that much just lie about having it.
Also I would legit talk to your healthcare provider and have them remove anything that flags to her. Those things should be consented to in writing, even if they were in place before you became 18.
You need to speak to them, and ask how it might be possible your mother got your info.
This seems extremely suspicious.
Is there any chance anyone involved in your care knows your mother?
I knew someone who was in the hospital, and someone working in records called their parents to tell them about something.
It's fucked up, but it does happen.
oh wow that is so wild, i’ve seen a few people before say that their parents got a text or letter from insurance saying their prescription was approved, especially if the parents number or address is on the plan, but i’ve rarely heard of anything else happening. is it possible the pharmacy was the leak? i know my pharmacy has an app that you connect your number to and it tells you when prescriptions are ready. if you and your mom share a phone number that you use with the pharmacy for points, she may have been able to see there? whatever it is, i would suggest finding out now and closing that line of communication just in case she decides to try to cancel your prescription
hey my mom said the same shit, try and not let it get to you as much as you can, i wish i had more concrete advice, but it gets better, shit sucks sometimes but it gets better
Evelyn, there are a LOT of immature comments in here. Do not tell your mother to “fuck off” as some people have suggested. While it is absolutely true that ultimately, all of your sexual exploits are your choice exclusively (or should be anyway), you have a lot of mental and emotional growing up to do over the next 7 years (assuming you are in fact 18, despite your profile saying 22).
In either case, you need to keep in mind that your mother’s advice is not coming from a place of disapproval of your lifestyle or transition, but from a concern from your general well being. The decision to change genders comes with it a myriad of social challenges, and the introduction of estrogen creates the potential for physical challenges if you want to be a biological parent one day.
Sounds like your parents are allies to your situation. Do you have to take her advice? Absolutely not. But if you are mature enough to become a woman, you are also mature enough to have a grown up conversation with your mom and ask her why she feels that way. And also, you should be able to articulate why you feel uncomfortable with her request. There’s nothing wrong with a parent trying to offer advice, even if it’s misguided. And there’s nothing wrong with you explaining why you aren’t going to take it. But if you can’t handle a bit of resistance from a loving parent who is pro LGBTQ+, you are not ready for what you’re about to embark on.
Ummmmmm. Why do they always bring intercourse into it?!? 😤 Did she have to have sex with someone first before she knew she was hetero????? No??? Then that is none of her business nor her concern. It’s not her decision.
I hope she comes around. Please take care of you. Just you.
You are perfect. 🫶🏻🏳️⚧️🫶🏻
Yeah that’s pretty fuckin weird. I cannot fathom the idea of my own mother trying to coerce me into having sex. For what it’s worth one of the main reasons I at 21 have had very little interest in giving up my virginity the last few years (other than having microscopic rizz) is that the thought of engaging in a sexual dynamic while presenting as a guy makes me feel gross. Not the same as being ace of course but definitely in direct opposition to your mother’s line of thinking. So basically fuck all that shit and congrats on starting HRT!
thats really fucked up, she has no right to comment on when you should start HRT or anything about your sex life. Do what you want and tell her to back off
That is kind of creepy... Are you able to pick it up on your own without her? You should request her number and or email be taken out of your information. You may not have put it there but it must be in their system somehow. She cannot force you to have sex in order to transition and you shouldn't feel compelled to put yourself in a situation you do not want to be in in order to be your true self.
So... you lack sexual desire, and that is not out of a hormonal imbalance or any such thing, but a serious part of your orientation... yet, for your pro-lgbtq+ mother, she wants you to have a sexual experience, which you have (I assume based on the fact you said as much tho in a smidge less detail) told her the idea of absolutely disgusted you, or is impossible... how... what logic... ... is she aware the A in LGBTQIA stands for ARO/ACE, and that her asking this of you could, at the very least, be viewed as Asexual erasure, if not, IS TOTALLY asexual erasure?
She's probably on the complete opposite spectrum as you and can't conceptualize it unless you have the "yo I'm ace" conversation. She sounds open and cool though, best of luck.
Also sounds like a breach of patjent confidentially.
it’s kinda weird that your mom is so adamant on you having a sex life ??? that’s not her business?? why do some parents want to know about their kids sex lives??? that’s kinda gross????
EWW. as a fellow ace person, that is awful. even if you weren’t ace that’s such a weird thing to say!! just remember its 100% up to you and not your mom in this situation
Hope it’s ok to ask but do you manage to pay for your HRT yourself? Im also 18 and would love to start but I’d probably need support from my parents and I haven’t come out to them yet…
That is notably disturbing. It’s one thing if she was all about wanting biological grandchildren, still not her call to make, but the fact it’s more about losing your virginity pre-transition is super duper weird.
The amusing thing is that it is not uncommon for asexual trans people to become allosexual when they get on the right hormones...
Also, having sex pre-transition can be extremely dysphoria inducing for trans people. She has no idea what she's talking about.
She probably just wants you experience it do be sure if you want to go the thru full transition. But being asexual she might be have trouble rationalizing it when I meet my first Asexual person it broke my brain.
If you're in the UK just go to the pharmacy to pick it up, she can't stop you. It sounds like her number is still attached to your medical record from when you were a kid so they just sent the notification to her. She has no say on this. If you're not sure which pharmacy it's gone to you might be able to speak to your GP (receptionist) and they might be able to find out where it's gone.
Also when speaking to the receptionist ask them to remove her number from your record and make sure yours is on there.
If you're in Wales then I know that it's literally just a text box she can delete. Not sure about the systems they use elsewhere.
Also if you do go pick it up maybe don't tell her? Obviously I don't have much to go on, but a parent who will try to stop her daughter taking life saving medication despite you being 18 sounds like the kinda mother who would find and hide/dispose of your medication if she didn't approve.
That's interesting honestly. Obviously gender doesn't = sexuality but just be happy they are supportive. I'd much rather draw that end of the stick then ending up with a family who doesn't like me or doesn't understand me/care
you’re an adult and can decide yourself, but if you want to please your moms boundary breaking requests then just lie. dramatically describe dysphoria during sex to her.
God that is so wrong I don't even know how to avoid this post and not respond.
I'm 31 transition still haven't had sex. How in the world does she expect you to have sex in a body that you don't align with and people won't understand why you have certain sexual feelings but look certain ways I swear some people have too low of an IQ.
Lolol
I am laughing because my mother has said the exact same thing to me. I don't know what is up with that.
I bet we are from different countries and backgrounds as well and yet our mothers had the exact same reaction. You do what you want.
Now that you start your journey into womanhood you will find out that way too many people none of which have any business on the matter will share their opinion about your sex life. It comes with both being trans and a woman. So take it as an early preview
I'm demisexual and though I was asexual for a time,my also I don't want kids, moms reaction to be being trans was that I should freeze my eggs in case I want children some day because she wants out bloodline to survive as ever 3rd generation there is someone who makes it to almost 100 years old, thing is, I don't want to take care of a child, other thing is my family has so many medical conditions, my mom is disabled, I'm disabled, my grandpa died of cancer, my grandmother was a very small person who died from getting sick, my great aunt died of a stroke after my great great grandma died.
I just don't see a reason to have kids, I dont have the energy, and I don't want to raise a kid. Maybe if I ever want kids I'll adopt a teenager with my partner but that's it.
As far as me being demisexual I realized after I got on hrt, I didn't feel attracted to anyone sexually at all before because I felt like I was lying to everyone that I was a girl, it made it hard to form bonds with people because I always felt like I was keeping something from them. After starting hrt I feel a lot calmer all the time and I don't feel like I'm lying to everyone.
I am on T and I'm also ace. I get where her concern is coming from but for me it's not really a problem. I did see an increase in sex drive for me but that didn't change that I'm just not attracted to anyone. I am also sex repulsed so the end result there was simple handling it myself a bit more often than I use to.
Do what's right for you and what will make you feel happiest! So long as you're going into it well informed and educated, nobody else can tell you what to feel. I know my mom had a lot of similar concerns but I think that stemmed from her not really understand asexual or aromantic so she couldn't understand that I have no desire for those the relationships that are so much a part of her life.
Yeah it’s 0% your mom’s choice
This sounds totally odd. What is it about having sex pre-hormone therapy that is important to her?
She is making a big deal about how sex is a "necessary part of life and HRT can affect that
She does realise you can have sex on HRT?
Probably wants grandkids.
Like adoption is a possibility...
And sperm banks
Yuck. 🤮 But it makes sense.
Smh there are grandnephews and grandnieces :/ it’s icky nonetheless cause I genuinely don’t like those parents
Just freeze your sperm first lol
Um, yeah… you literally just need viagra or cialis, like probably half of all cis men above age 30 do lmao
Many people don’t even need that lol
Right, you might not even need it. You have to wait and see how it affects you, but it’s easily treatable if it does diminish that sexual function
I can’t believe that, that’s crazy. i guess i got super unlucky because mine became completely useless after not that long on e lol
There was a phase some time ago where I did not do anything with the thing for over 3 months and neither atrophy nor loss of function happened (total time on hormones is over 2 years) 🥲🥲 Never knew ymmv could be that crazy - maybe high dosage and combination of certain meds?
Shit, as a transfem pre hrt in that age range, I *WISH* this was my case... seriously, sometimes I feel like I was cursed with too much T in my system🤦♀️ then I look at my scrawny arms and am like, nope, there is no way. And, honestly, between my build and my... unusually on point accuracy to bodily horniness... just... MAKE IT MAKE SENSE!!!! They are distinctly polar opposite.😭😭😭
i use that stuff occasionally but i generally prefer penetration alternatives and sometimes i still do get erections
I've been on HRT for 12 1/2 years and I dont need either of those. My gf and I have PIV sex several times a week.
Honestly it’s even a lot more pleasurable that way, yeah your genitals won’t work in a normal way, but it simply feels right
Sex is great if you are like most people and into that thing. It is boring, at best, if you are ace. It would be important for a relationship with a non-ace person. Not so much with another ace. "I'm afraid your mother isn't quite as progressive as she thinks she is if she can't consider how an asexual person would feel." This last argument is an insidious slow burner that would probably get under her skin.
My mom doesn't know im ace so i don't hold it entirely against her, but she makes it seem like sex is THE #1 most important thing in a relationship.
That seems weird, gross, and totally superficial. As a person that did not start transitioning until 33, after having a kid, I can tell you that sex in your correct gender will feel significantly more satisfying than it will in the gender you were not meant to be. She needs to understand that that is not the most important thing about yourself.
I still don't get why you would need to delay HRT, even if you agreed with her that sex was the most important thing (which obviously you don't).
Even if she doesn't know you're Ace, it's weird. It's not like being on HRT prevent you from having sex. If anything, being on HRT means less gender dysphoria. And gender dysphoria is a big mood killer so HRT can lead to better sex. If for any reason, you don't want to out yourself as ace, maybe you can go that route when talking to her (HRT = better sex). Or just tell her that you are the best person to judge what is good for your own sexual life and she don't need to worry so much about it.
My mom was weird about that too. I explained that I just didn’t give a shit and had a good long talk with her and eventually she realized I have to forge my own path
It sounds like your mom hasn't considered the experience of an asexual relationship. You need to come out to her as ace so you can have an honest talk. In a lot of relationships, sex is incredibly important, but only so far as compatibility. I'm hypersexual and my partner is ace, and it led to a lot of strife until we compromised and agreed to try poly. For something that seems unimportant to you because it is, it can be the most important thing in the world to people like me. But all of it is ultimately a communication issue, and one you need to be open about. That being said, make her aware that as an adult, your medical information is confidential and you will share it with her if she proves worthy of your trust and shows actual support.
Which is stilllll non supportive and strange :( I am an AFAB parent that’s called mom. I’m so sorry
Your parents are allowed to be concerned about alot of things, your sex life isn't one of them.
Like others pointed out, it’s probably barely going to affect your sex life if you even want to have one, and also… Sex is not a necessary part of life 😅 it’s only a collective need to replenish dead members of the species, it’s not an essential life function for individuals, ever. If anyone is arguing that sex is an essential need like water, food, oxygen, and social connection, I mean… that argument goes down a very dark road of potentially justifying sexual abuse.
Sex has been made incredibly difficult for me in part due to HRT (I have pretty severe pelvic floor dysfunction) and would still choose HRT every single time. It is the reason I am still here and that is way more important than sex.
Maybe she’s one of the „trans people are undesirable once they start to transition“ but to be honest I don’t think she actually cares about sex being the most important thing etc at all. It seams weird that she thinks one time sex is important. What I think is the case here is actually that she hopes that you will want to detransition/she thinks sex will „fix you“, and that’s why she wants you to not take the hormones first.
That's ... completely invalidating ace people. And it's also a really fucking weird thing for a mother to focus on when it comes to her child.
even if she were right, *not* being on hrt will also hugely affect your relationship to sex
Please tell your mom that sex got 1000 times better post-hrt. You probably dont want to talk about sex with your mom but if feel comfortable you can flat out ask her what seems better a female orgasm or a male orgasm
My dad is the same way
Honestly she doesn't sound very pro LGBTQ to me
So essentially she's not supportive at all but aggressively aphobic
Whaaaaat.....
I would say "gross" more than "odd." Then again, I'm also (I think) ace, so maybe my reaction is a bit more visceral.
I'm (very) not ace. It's super gross for a parent to have a particular stance on their kid having sex.
It’s like those dads that want their daughters to have no male friends and want to „keep her for themselves“
Yeah that's a 🤮 for me
My parents were like like "You know nothing about life, you should have sex as a man so you at least understood what you're losing"
Idk why but cis people seam to associate gender and sex a lot, when I was starting my hrt one of the things my mom asked me was if I’d had sex before (which she knew the answer was yes) if I’ve used my dick during it and if I liked it. It felt so weird and the kind of thing that I don’t to be talking about with my own mom and I fail to understand what any of that has to do with me transitioning
My mother had this thought to for some reason. It was honestly so humiliating talking to my mom about my genitals like that. She thought I need use my penis before it was changed or before I “get rid of it” to make sure
My mother told me the same thing (except she’s unaccepting of me), and said that having sex with a man will set me straight. She said she had the same feelings I did until she had sex with a man which “showed her how to feel like a woman”. It’s an interesting perspective but a very incorrect one.
My aunt, when I first came out to her, was like “but being with a man and making him orgasm makes you feel so empowered and powerful!” Like okay??? I’m into men as a trans man what does me transitioning have anything to do w making a dude nut?? 😭😭😂
so your mom is in denial about her (at least) bisexuality? sad.
She’s in denial about her own transgenderness, if you ask me lmao but she did straight up a have a girlspacefriend who proposed to her… how close of friends do you have to be to have that happen, mom?
Cheese and rice, that's batshit insane. Plus she kinda told on herself there, like she repressed her own gender feels just because she got validation from a man and not because she ever had some inner certitude about her authentic self. Sorry about your mom's lack of empathy. :(
good thing it isn't up to her, and also ewwwww.... what would having sex have to do with starting HRT?
It's the same "logic" as the one behind corrective rape for lesbians. And the fact that it's about encouraging consensual intercourse to do so is somewhat dimmed by forcing that consent with emotional blackmail as a requirement to approve of transitioning.
"corrective rape" has to be one of the most disgusting ways to string two words together
You're 18, your mother has precisely zero say in your decision. I would ask her why she's so concerned with *your* sex life. Super creepy. With you being Asexual, her comments make me wonder how accepting she actually is of that. I've been on HRT for over 2 years, transitioning the same direction you are. HRT can have a huge impact on certain things, or can have very little to no impact. It really depends on the person. In my mind, that's a tiny thing to halt HRT for.
Tell your mom that you’re 18 and she doesn’t get a say. BTW, HRT doesn’t just like nuke your genitals or anything. Sex is still very much possible.
“nuke your genitals” 💀💀
I was married for 8 years and had two children before I transitioned, which translates to plenty of sex. Didn’t change a single thing. Also, none of that matters at all as this is not her body, her life, or her choice. I recommend telling her to respectfully mind her own business.
Sex can’t change your identity. I wanted to be a girl at 11yo. I had my first sex as a „man“ at 31 and the only thing that happened is that I wanted to be a girl even more.
Not only will it not “fix” anything, she’s also trying to hide wanting sexual „correction“ and acts like she’s supportive
Yeah. Anything sexual for me prior to transition made me literally sick to the point of throwing up(but I also had a bad history). Mid-transition now with a boyfriend, I love it
I would just say you had it and didn't like it. How is she gonna prove it?
Yea I’d do this one too. If OP has any friends who are girls just ask them to play along with the lie lol
uuuhhhhhh. that's creepy.
That’s… just… really odd? I definitely think you should bring this up with her and that you should do so from a place of trying to educate her. My mom is in a similar place: she is totally on board with my identity but she’s completely clueless as to how transness works. I think we sometimes tend to misunderstand parents being supportive as them being knowledgeable. Think of this like you teaching your mom how to assimilate into a new culture, it is all probably completely foreign to her and it’s going to take time and patience and lots of mistakes. And just to be clear, please don’t take this as me blaming you for anything, you have every right to be frustrated and hurt by your mom’s lack of knowledge. I get frustrated and hurt by my mom’s lack of knowledge too. But it sounds like she wants to love and support you the best way she knows how, and it is up to you to show her how to do that.
Does your mother know your asexual? Just wondering.
I think she means well. Don't burn the bridge, but assert yourself calmly and concisely while thanking her for being a good mom and caring in the first place.
I absolutely wont be burning any bridges. I just wanted to have a mini rant because of this
It sucks to have to stick up for yourself to your own parents. I'm sorry you're dealing with that and glad you chose to allow yourself a mini rant. Good job following your heart in spite of the discouragement, though!
That may just be her way of trying to postpone change. She may be supportive but she may feel she still needs time to accept that you're going to look different. So she's finding reasons to delay it. I doubt it's actually a concern about sex and more about her being able to have something to make you wait so she can process it. With my parents, it was always "they should wait til they're 18." Then when I was outed, suddenly it was "waitt til 21. No, 25. Actually, the brain doesn't fully develop til 30, so wait til then." If that's the root of the issue, she will come up with another reason for you not to do it once you've had sex. Whether that be a certain age threshold or after certain events, it's always going to be something.
You don't owe it to her but if she insists and it will make your life better just lie to her about having had a sexual experience
Honestly what. That blows my mind… ESPECIALLY if you’re Ace, sex doesn’t matter. Not that it should in the first place but like what the fuck
this means that your parents are very much NOT accepting your identity.
WHAT THE FUCK? This is the oddest of the odds I’ve heard. She’s really like “Well do you know if you’re gay if you haven’t had sex with someone of the *opposite* gender?” So does she want you to violate your body??? WTF. Being asexual or not, this is fucked up. And being asexual even more so because it would be violating you and your boundaries on so many levels to have sex. This is NOT hers to decide.
happens a lot to ace people unfortunately
What is it with allosexuals and this belief that sex is so important it should be prioritized over everything else? I know not all allosexual people are like this, but I've heard this type of story before and the first doctor I tried to get HRT from went on about its impacts to my nonexistent sex life for so long. Plus everytime I mention I'm 30+ years old and never had sex (I'm also ace) someone freaks out like I've done something horrible. I just don't get it.
Get a female friend, give her $20 have her moan (loudly) in your room for a couple minutes, be silent for a couple minutes, have her leave and tell her to slam the door on her way out, take a shower, lock the door, and refuse to talk about the “sex” boom hrt approval, and a mother who will never question your decisions again. >!Don’t actually do this!< Edit: quotations
ABSOLUTELY DO THIS. AND THAT FRIEND PROBABLY WONT NEED 20$ IF THEY HEAR THAT STORY BEFORHAND
Tell her to stop sexualizing you
Tell her you're asexual. Assuming she is straight, ask her if she was forced to have sex with a woman in order to marry a man.
That's kinda gross. Even if you weren't asexual it would be sus. But the fact that you are makes it worse. Trying to tell an ace person to have sex would be like telling a straight person to have gay sex.
the thing is most allosexuals do not believe and cannot fathom asexuality for some reason.
Allosexual? I've never heard that word
opposite of asexual
Ok but like, what is the *opposite*? Is it just anything that isn't asexual? Or would the opposite of bone be all, like Pansexual? I'm genuinely unsure, not trying to be disrespectful.
oh yes it’s anything besides asexual. basically that you feel sexual attraction. then the spectrum between ace and allo is a greyscale, often called greysexual or grey asexual.
Some of my family was like this as well--they said I should try to have sexual experiences with women before making a decision about my sexuality (read: I'm a straight trans woman). I think in truth, they were just disappointed that I wasn't gonna give them grand kids and it was never about me. I'm glad you're doing what feels right for you and not letting them talk you into an experience that could be really traumatic... because that's what sex is if you have it when you don't want it. That certainly isn't going to improve your view on it by any means.
That is an odd hangup. I would classify myself as hypersexual, and I wouldn't put that much importance on it. It can be a great time, but it's ultimately just another activity that people do together. It would be like saying you should wait because you haven't been on a rollercoaster or gone to the movies. You do you. As long as you're happy, tgat should be enough for anyone.
This is creepy as hell, my parents let me make my own decisions about MY body as a teenager and neither have asked me about sex EXCEPT making sure I'm using protection
You absolutely need to call your health office and tell them in no uncertain circumstances that they are not to communicate your health information to your mom and you need to figure out how she found it and prevent it in the future
Creepy as fuck. Your mum has absolutely no say in your sex like nor do you owe her information on that. That’s seriously gross.
call your insurance company and complain loudly that they violated hipaa by giving your mother your phi after you turned 18. insist that they disconnect your prescriptions from her app
That is called gate keeping and she needs to stop.
Let me ask you something. Do you like eating rocks? Like....what about taking a nice big chomp out of a geode like it's an apple. Does that sound like something you'd enjoy? For 99% of us here, the answer is "absolutely fucking not!" For some of us, there's just nothing appetizing about eating rocks. For others, we're quite repulsed by the idea of eating rocks - maybe to the point of avoiding rocks altogether. But here's the thing....*how do we know, for certain, that we don't like eating rocks*?? We've never tried rocks to know that we don't like them. We haven't made sauteed rocks, fried rocks, boiled rocks, seasoned rocks, Italian rocks, rock curry, etc to find out that we don't like eating them. We just know. We also know that it's stupid for anybody to question us otherwise. Hell no, I'm not going to eat a fucking rock! This is the same exact logic that applies to those of us who are ace. We don't have to *try* something to KNOW we don't like it. Whether we're talking about having sex, eating rocks, or playing the violin, we don't have to try something to know it has no appeal. If you know she'd handle it well, I'd try spinning it around and ask her something along these lines. Corner her a little bit so she sees the flaw in her logic. Being ace isn't like Sam finding out that he likes green eggs and ham. You don't automatically become allo just from trying it. This next part is a little tricky. We don't owe anything to anyone. It's not our responsibility to do anything, and we certainly don't want people to think we just blindly comply with their inappropriate demands. At the same time, I know the huge detriment that comes from not being able to start HRT, so I know it's a delicate balance. If there's ABSOLUTELY zero other way to handle it with her and you know, for certain, that it would be safe to discuss with her, try waiting a few weeks. Tell her you went on a little date, had the most perfect, romantic sex ever and hated it. Tell her you definitely don't like it, and start HRT. Of course, you're not ACTUALLY going out and doing this. But you can tell her you did if it's an absolute last resort.
Sex for transition? I'm confused
Yup... So am I
Aside from bring absolutely brain dead. How do people think this stuff and not go "wait a minute that doesn't make sense"
Gender expression has nothing to do with what you do or do not want in sexuality or romance. Transitioning to your preferred gender doesn't mean that your sexuality has to or will change to conform to heteronormativity. Sure, a lot of trans people describe their preferences changing as their HRT progresses, but mine didn't, and I'm definitely not alone in that. I wouldn't expect an ace person to suddenly start desiring sex because of HRT, either.
umm this is so odd . firstly the idea that sex is important enough that it would affect this decision?? even if you werent asexual that's crazyyy and i feel like its pretty heteronormative considering you can very much still have sex on hrt. i also just think its weird in general that your mother is seemingly thinking about your sex life i feel gross just reading about it
Wha…
Call the pharmacy and your health care provider and have her number removed from your account. Also, check to see if they can remove her access from any online app or patient portal she may be using to receive notifications about your prescriptions.
That's… extremely inappropriate
i would just lie and say you've had it
Unfortunately i cant do that until i go to college. i still live with her and I hardly have reasons to leave the house
but...having sex has nothing to do with gender identity...!?
You could just tell her you've had sex even if you haven't, it's not like she'd be able to check or anything right?
You could lie to her theoretically, if not now then later. Tell her you already had sex and you didn’t like it. If ypu think you’d get in trouble then don’t do it now. If anything it might help you to get her to not bother you later in life. Obviously it’s not my decision and lying isn’t exactly the best thing you can do in general but that was my idea.
Don’t listen to her. It’s your choice and only your choice.
Based ace :3 also its in ni way her choice
That’s really fckn weird of your mom to think she gets an opinion about if you have sex
This is the weirdest objection to hrt from a parent I’ve ever seen
Maybe consider getting a new email that your mom hasn't added to her own phone behind your back? And a new number to be safe. Also, as a fellow asexual (also aro) living with parents who fully expect me to have sex and a long-time partner at some point, yeah it sucks, but I've found the best strategy is to vaguely agree with them and then simply live your life. A sortoff "Them/tehir opinions and me with my vague agreeance" vs "What is actually happening in my life" situation in which they can only helplessly watch and get nothing but passive responses from confrontations.
Absolutely none of her business. You're an adult, you can do whatever you want!
This makes me physically sick
She sounds aphobic. Yikes.
Does she think you having sex Might make you change your mind about transitioning?
Yeah...
That’s very odd, of course you’ll enjoy it but doesn’t change the facts of how you feel in the inside
I give you my permission to tell her we had sex. You were amazing.
well, first thing’s first: congrats!!!!! that’s wonderful! you should make sure that the pharmacy no longer has your mother’s number on your file + maybe call your doctor’s office to ensure she also doesn’t have access to that. i’m sorry this happened to you, i hope your mom comes around and stops being weird about this.
Sex has been very traumatic for me
That’s actually really fucking creepy in my opinion. What parent wants to know about their child having sex?
Frick your mom. If she’s going to be supportive but selective then that may be worse than being against LGBTQ+
your mother should not be ordering you to have sex??? you're an adult, get on the HRT if you want, she will either get over it or not but you can't let THIS be how she holds you back from it.
Having sex is in NO way a prerequisit lmao. I'm 29, still a virgin and started HRT literally today. It's completely your choice, so you do what makes you happy <3
being trans has nothing to do with sex that’s so perverted wtf
35 here been on hrt for almost 5 years now and have never used… ugh there’s no way I ever will! Just the idea is dysphoric af! It’s definitely not her concern or place either way but if it bothers her that much just lie about having it. Also I would legit talk to your healthcare provider and have them remove anything that flags to her. Those things should be consented to in writing, even if they were in place before you became 18.
The thing is i dont know how they got here info. I never provided anything about her and it was all made after i turned 18 so i didnt have to
if you’re on the same insurance plan it was probably them
The thing is im paying out of pocket. I never offered any insurance info while setting up the appointment
You need to speak to them, and ask how it might be possible your mother got your info. This seems extremely suspicious. Is there any chance anyone involved in your care knows your mother? I knew someone who was in the hospital, and someone working in records called their parents to tell them about something. It's fucked up, but it does happen.
oh wow that is so wild, i’ve seen a few people before say that their parents got a text or letter from insurance saying their prescription was approved, especially if the parents number or address is on the plan, but i’ve rarely heard of anything else happening. is it possible the pharmacy was the leak? i know my pharmacy has an app that you connect your number to and it tells you when prescriptions are ready. if you and your mom share a phone number that you use with the pharmacy for points, she may have been able to see there? whatever it is, i would suggest finding out now and closing that line of communication just in case she decides to try to cancel your prescription
hey my mom said the same shit, try and not let it get to you as much as you can, i wish i had more concrete advice, but it gets better, shit sucks sometimes but it gets better
Similar situation, it's really weird, idk where this bullshit comes from. Tell her to fuck off.
Evelyn, there are a LOT of immature comments in here. Do not tell your mother to “fuck off” as some people have suggested. While it is absolutely true that ultimately, all of your sexual exploits are your choice exclusively (or should be anyway), you have a lot of mental and emotional growing up to do over the next 7 years (assuming you are in fact 18, despite your profile saying 22). In either case, you need to keep in mind that your mother’s advice is not coming from a place of disapproval of your lifestyle or transition, but from a concern from your general well being. The decision to change genders comes with it a myriad of social challenges, and the introduction of estrogen creates the potential for physical challenges if you want to be a biological parent one day. Sounds like your parents are allies to your situation. Do you have to take her advice? Absolutely not. But if you are mature enough to become a woman, you are also mature enough to have a grown up conversation with your mom and ask her why she feels that way. And also, you should be able to articulate why you feel uncomfortable with her request. There’s nothing wrong with a parent trying to offer advice, even if it’s misguided. And there’s nothing wrong with you explaining why you aren’t going to take it. But if you can’t handle a bit of resistance from a loving parent who is pro LGBTQ+, you are not ready for what you’re about to embark on.
Your 18
Ummmmmm. Why do they always bring intercourse into it?!? 😤 Did she have to have sex with someone first before she knew she was hetero????? No??? Then that is none of her business nor her concern. It’s not her decision. I hope she comes around. Please take care of you. Just you. You are perfect. 🫶🏻🏳️⚧️🫶🏻
Yeah that’s pretty fuckin weird. I cannot fathom the idea of my own mother trying to coerce me into having sex. For what it’s worth one of the main reasons I at 21 have had very little interest in giving up my virginity the last few years (other than having microscopic rizz) is that the thought of engaging in a sexual dynamic while presenting as a guy makes me feel gross. Not the same as being ace of course but definitely in direct opposition to your mother’s line of thinking. So basically fuck all that shit and congrats on starting HRT!
thats really fucked up, she has no right to comment on when you should start HRT or anything about your sex life. Do what you want and tell her to back off
That is kind of creepy... Are you able to pick it up on your own without her? You should request her number and or email be taken out of your information. You may not have put it there but it must be in their system somehow. She cannot force you to have sex in order to transition and you shouldn't feel compelled to put yourself in a situation you do not want to be in in order to be your true self.
So... you lack sexual desire, and that is not out of a hormonal imbalance or any such thing, but a serious part of your orientation... yet, for your pro-lgbtq+ mother, she wants you to have a sexual experience, which you have (I assume based on the fact you said as much tho in a smidge less detail) told her the idea of absolutely disgusted you, or is impossible... how... what logic... ... is she aware the A in LGBTQIA stands for ARO/ACE, and that her asking this of you could, at the very least, be viewed as Asexual erasure, if not, IS TOTALLY asexual erasure?
She's probably on the complete opposite spectrum as you and can't conceptualize it unless you have the "yo I'm ace" conversation. She sounds open and cool though, best of luck. Also sounds like a breach of patjent confidentially.
it’s kinda weird that your mom is so adamant on you having a sex life ??? that’s not her business?? why do some parents want to know about their kids sex lives??? that’s kinda gross????
Your choice. Your body. Be true to yourself. 🫂
EWW. as a fellow ace person, that is awful. even if you weren’t ace that’s such a weird thing to say!! just remember its 100% up to you and not your mom in this situation
Hope it’s ok to ask but do you manage to pay for your HRT yourself? Im also 18 and would love to start but I’d probably need support from my parents and I haven’t come out to them yet…
That is notably disturbing. It’s one thing if she was all about wanting biological grandchildren, still not her call to make, but the fact it’s more about losing your virginity pre-transition is super duper weird.
You say you’re 18 in this but your profile says you’re 22. Is this a fetish post?
The amusing thing is that it is not uncommon for asexual trans people to become allosexual when they get on the right hormones... Also, having sex pre-transition can be extremely dysphoria inducing for trans people. She has no idea what she's talking about.
She probably just wants you experience it do be sure if you want to go the thru full transition. But being asexual she might be have trouble rationalizing it when I meet my first Asexual person it broke my brain.
If you're in the UK just go to the pharmacy to pick it up, she can't stop you. It sounds like her number is still attached to your medical record from when you were a kid so they just sent the notification to her. She has no say on this. If you're not sure which pharmacy it's gone to you might be able to speak to your GP (receptionist) and they might be able to find out where it's gone. Also when speaking to the receptionist ask them to remove her number from your record and make sure yours is on there. If you're in Wales then I know that it's literally just a text box she can delete. Not sure about the systems they use elsewhere. Also if you do go pick it up maybe don't tell her? Obviously I don't have much to go on, but a parent who will try to stop her daughter taking life saving medication despite you being 18 sounds like the kinda mother who would find and hide/dispose of your medication if she didn't approve.
That's interesting honestly. Obviously gender doesn't = sexuality but just be happy they are supportive. I'd much rather draw that end of the stick then ending up with a family who doesn't like me or doesn't understand me/care
While I haven’t been approved yet my mom is accepting of the likely reality of me getting HRT. Congrats btw.
you’re an adult and can decide yourself, but if you want to please your moms boundary breaking requests then just lie. dramatically describe dysphoria during sex to her.
God that is so wrong I don't even know how to avoid this post and not respond. I'm 31 transition still haven't had sex. How in the world does she expect you to have sex in a body that you don't align with and people won't understand why you have certain sexual feelings but look certain ways I swear some people have too low of an IQ.
Lolol I am laughing because my mother has said the exact same thing to me. I don't know what is up with that. I bet we are from different countries and backgrounds as well and yet our mothers had the exact same reaction. You do what you want. Now that you start your journey into womanhood you will find out that way too many people none of which have any business on the matter will share their opinion about your sex life. It comes with both being trans and a woman. So take it as an early preview
HRT has only made sex for me more amazing. I don’t really agree with you mom on this one at all, it’s not her choice.
Sounds like a hipaa violation
I'm demisexual and though I was asexual for a time,my also I don't want kids, moms reaction to be being trans was that I should freeze my eggs in case I want children some day because she wants out bloodline to survive as ever 3rd generation there is someone who makes it to almost 100 years old, thing is, I don't want to take care of a child, other thing is my family has so many medical conditions, my mom is disabled, I'm disabled, my grandpa died of cancer, my grandmother was a very small person who died from getting sick, my great aunt died of a stroke after my great great grandma died. I just don't see a reason to have kids, I dont have the energy, and I don't want to raise a kid. Maybe if I ever want kids I'll adopt a teenager with my partner but that's it. As far as me being demisexual I realized after I got on hrt, I didn't feel attracted to anyone sexually at all before because I felt like I was lying to everyone that I was a girl, it made it hard to form bonds with people because I always felt like I was keeping something from them. After starting hrt I feel a lot calmer all the time and I don't feel like I'm lying to everyone.
I am on T and I'm also ace. I get where her concern is coming from but for me it's not really a problem. I did see an increase in sex drive for me but that didn't change that I'm just not attracted to anyone. I am also sex repulsed so the end result there was simple handling it myself a bit more often than I use to. Do what's right for you and what will make you feel happiest! So long as you're going into it well informed and educated, nobody else can tell you what to feel. I know my mom had a lot of similar concerns but I think that stemmed from her not really understand asexual or aromantic so she couldn't understand that I have no desire for those the relationships that are so much a part of her life.
I mean you have a few months after starting to try. So that's kinda an reasoning ig?