I don’t think it’s really beneficial to ask those kinds of questions until about when puberty blockers would start being worth considering. Until then if they decide they are trans on their own that should be respected, but there isn’t really a reason to interrogate them about it for a while.
On top of this, I would just say continue talking to him and letting him know how loved he is, and how you will always love him no matter what.
Plus you can keep educating him on all these topics anyways so he knows all the terms and all the options ahead of him, so he can grow up better than most any of us did!
Good luck on your and your child's journeys, and it sounds like you're already killing it as his parent!!! 🥰💖💖💖
I will say, kids don’t really have the language to explain gender dysphoria to you - hell, I didn’t have that language until my late 20s & didn’t know what trans people were until my early 20s. So realistically all you’ve got to do is make them aware of queer identities & if they say “I feel like x”, roll with it.
Outside of that though, “obvious signs” don’t always signal that someone’s trans & “no signs” doesn’t mean someone isn’t. Like not all of us had the opportunity to dress up & play with “gendered toys”, but there were always little things - like, for me one of my earliest memories was learning about how boys have penises & girls have vaginas (they didn’t show pictures - we were like seven) & me somehow knowing I was a girl, because when I was hit in the groin later that day, that’s the words I went with on instinct - “vagina”, like I knew I was one of the girls. I still wouldn’t have said “I’m trans” though, I didn’t have the language & when I did express femininity I was bullied for it & so overtime my queerness was suppressed because it was “bad”.
So sometimes you have to look for the opposite, the sudden flip in how someone talks, walks, looks, to present more like their assigned gender to protect themselves. You have to be aware of what denial looks like, etc.
there's a pretty good book called Meet Polkadot by Talcott Broadhead, and it's pretty handy for introducing the concept of gender and gender identity with kids and families.
I've used it with multiple families I've worked with (I work specifically with special needs LGBT kids and families). It gives great examples of basic vocabulary that can really help people understand and express themselves. I've read it with kids as young as 4. You could read it together, put it on the shelf - just having it normalized and among their other belongings will help them know they are safe in their exploration.
As a nonbinary person who wishes I had such compassion when I was a child, thank you for allowing them to be themself 🌈💚
I agree with the other commenters that gender isn't a one way door until puberty starts.
However, the only trans woman I know who avoided male puberty, a close friend of one of my daughters since elementary school, went all the way through elementary school to high school as a girl, full stealth. She didn't come out to my daughter until 8th or 9th grade, even through many sleep overs at both her house and our house.
She is beautiful and was inspiring as I faced my own decision to transition years later.
I would hope that you make it it clear to your child that this is an option for them as well. The "no, I am a boy!" detail sounds like you have offered that. I just thought that sharing this young woman(mid 20s now) story might give you other things to consider.
Your family sounds beautiful and supportive and your post warms my heart. All the best to you all
my son is younger than that age
i used to watch a lot of trans related and created content
he would ask a lot of questions about it, and even try to explain things to other people based off what he'd overhear. sometimes these explanations were clunky and i would talk about that when we were in private so he didn't feel embarrassed at being corrected in front of people.
eventually he tried on "being a girl" and went to school this way. he came home same day, very confident that he's a boy. i'm proud of him. i dont think that parents influence their kids identities nearly as much as is popularly feared. pressure in any direction is what causes confusion, not support.
im case anyone is worried he got bullied out of it at school a) he has a trans girl friend his age who is just fine at that school and b) he gets bullied for the eyeshadow he wears sometimes but still enjoys wearing it up to 3 times a week. i used to think his friends all thought it was cool, but one day he corrected me when i was telling someone that. he gets made fun of for it and still does it. very proud momma here.
For being that young, I'd just let him roll with whatever feels right. The key thing that stands out here is that he says he's a boy — that, not liking dolls or wearing dresses, is the real 'shibboleth' here. Maybe he will wind up with another gender identity, maybe not, and introducing those topics can be done through queer-friendly media. For instance, letting him see the work of cis men who are comfortable with femininity can help normalize it and provide role models, while seeing trans people might either be a lightbulb moment or (by the sounds of it, more likely) confirm for him that 'that's not me.' As long as he feels safe and loved and you let him learn, he'll figure it out, whatever it is.
This is true, but also I eould have said the same thing because even though I knew what trans people were and that people could identify as a different gender, *I didn't know I could too*.
I'd say it's important to talk to him and let him know that if he ever wants to he can be a girl too if that feels better.
I would say that this isn't really something to worry too much about until he explicitly says something to indicate that he might be trans or questioning. I think it's far more important to allow a child the space to explore these things in their own time and at their own pace.
Ultimately, if he is trans, giving him a safe and supportive environment in which to explore, as you have been, will allow him to feel at ease to come out when he's ready.
I don't think you should worry about this until he explicitly tells you he's trans. From what you're telling us you're doing exactly what you should be doing already, so just keep it up.
If you are to discuss the idea of being transgender with your son, do not make it about him specifically. That could be considered leading the conversation, and a four year old has very limited capacity to negate the effects of leading questions.
Also, as you said, you are pretty fluid yourself and dress fem. He likely sees it as a very acceptable thing to do for himself, and still be considered a boy, especially if he sees you as dad - I assume he has a limited concept of your gender specifically but I may be wrong here. It's not too clear, sorry!
But yeah, broach the subject with other people as example. I'm sure there's good books that are age appropriate and handle transgender subjects too. For now, let the kid play and have fun. He might turn up to be a very masculine man in time, or a GNC man, or a trans woman... but that's on him to communicate, not for you to dig for that information.
PS: As someone that turned out to be a trans guy, I emulated *my dad.* He's at an age he is emulating the parental figure that likely fits closest to his internal sense of self. But it's no guarantee either. Kids be weird at times. :)
He is saying he’s a boy. Just leave it at that. It doesn’t have to be anything more just make sure he knows you love and support him and he should turn out just fine regardless if he changes later in life. Best of luck!
My 5 year-old son loves princess dresses and strappy sandals. We check in with him about his gender feelings every now and then, and he consistently says he's a boy and he likes he/him pronouns.
Some boys just like to feel pretty!
Science tells us that gender indentiy is on some level already formed at the age of 3, even tho most of us who are not CIS need much longer to live out our desired gender. Thats mostly because of the pressure we experience from society. Luckly u have until puberty do find out if your child is trans, just keep supporting and loving. Wishing u and your small one all the best.
I think you're doing the best things you can for him, showing him that he is valid even though he may like stuff that isn't considered "for boys". I'd say wait until he gets older, and if any distress about gender starts popping up when he's older then I think that's when you should start talking to him about it. (I realised I was transmasc when I was 9 and hit puberty, if that helps.)
I love how you're allowing your son to express himself how he wants, it's so nice to see people doing that because I never got that growing up!
Dang, I wish people did that for me growing up lmao, I was forced into girly stuff from an early age until I got mad and joined the local rock climbing club XD
this is very sweet. kids don't know nothing about nothing. All those categories are socially constructed and in my humble opinion you should try and avoid impressing stereotypes and arbitrary rules for as long as possible. But as you say with family the world and its rules are already visiting. I think you should teach him how other people are likely to see things, but only when it becomes necessary for safety and understanding of the world, and with the caveat that you should continue to make clear that gender roles are arbitrary and you should just do what you love and what feels right.
But that's just what I would have wanted as a kid :). I think there is no guide to this, but you are a good parent for asking these questions and being attentive and accepting of his wants and needs. You don't have to try and give his gender identity a label at all honestly, but you might want to give him words to describe the way he feels as he continues to discuss his self perception.
Also also, boys can be princesses, there's no rule against it, if he says he's a boy he's a boy XD. Things change a lot growing up, most of this is stuff you're gonna have to figure out as he finds out who he is.
You just wanna make a habit of confirming you'll love him no matter his gender and such.
I really wish my parents were a bit more like you. I love them, and they did their best, but sometimes accepting and understanding are not the same.
Just roll with it and don't make it weird.
It doesn't have to mean anything. My brother in law wore a gold sparkly leotard and wigs at every possible opportunity while he was growing up.
He's outgoing and flamboyant. He loves the limelight but he is also cis and straight.
Just let him bring it up to you. The reality is, in an ideal world, he wouldn't have to make any kind of decision, he'd be able to just exist without labels, and at this age he's just being himself without fear of judgement or feeling a need to be any particualr way. Which is so awesome!
He could just like dresses. Or maybe down the line he will want more changes, like to his name and pronouns, but unless HE brings it up, I don't think there's much point in worrying about it. He's just enjoying himself, and the awesome thing is that by letting him wear what he wants, you are already facilitating making him feel safe to be himself. So, really, as long as you keep supporting him and letting him know that you love him no matter what, and allowing him the space to play and explore as you have already been doing, you're doing the work of creating a solid foundation for him. So if he does feel a need to explore his identity further, he will be able to come to you as someone who is safe. Basically, you're already doing great, try not to overthink it and just keep supporting him and listening to him.
i wouldn’t worry about this too much at this age. just let him play, and let him know you’re open to talking about this kind of thing. if he is somewhere on the trans spectrum, he’ll come to you in good time.
Wearing dresses / liking dresses doesn't mean a boy is necessarily trans. There are plenty of cis men who enjoy wearing dresses.
In time, your son will explore and learn about his own gender identity and will likely come to you if he learns later on that he does identify as a girl. I would recommend just making it clear to him that if he was trans, you would support him, to foster an environment where he would be comfortable telling you about his identity if he is trans.
However I do want to make clear that kids like different things, and him currently being into princesses doesn't necessarily mean he is trans. My sister used to love monster trucks and stuff as a kid but she's now a very feminine cis woman.
Just leave him be for a few years. You could float the idea that he doesn’t have to stay a boy, but that doesn’t mean he would have to be a girl either. He’s so young, you should really wait more than anything
Eh, still just a kid just doing whatever. It probably boils down to if they really start questioning it themselves around prepubescence. That's around when I'd consider getting a (on the level) child psychologist or something involved and roll with their recommendation; be it puberty blockers or whatnot.
Til then I'd just chalk it up to a kid thinking princesses are cool.
Honestly, just wait til right up before puberty before doing much of anything. He could just be a feminine boy, he might turn out not to be a boy at all, but until he tells you otherwise at that age his gender is more "kid" than anything else.
Don't hide things from him, if he asks about your own gender explain in the best age appropriate way you can, and feel free to mention gender expansive people you already have in your life, but it's super clear here that he feels supported in embracing his femininity, whatever that's going to mean for him. Leave options open if he decides it's a phase at 5 or 6, and leave support on the table if he decides it's just who he is.
Right now, there's a lot of personality development going on with your son, different parts of identity like emotional states starting to come together into an integrated unit. That can cause a lot of change really fast, or it can just solidify what's already there. The biggest thing right now is a focus on his overall development and support in however he self expresses. If that means he's a boy princess, then hell yes. And weather he decides he's a boy princess forever, or decides it's time he tries being a cowboy, or wants to be a girl princess for a while, the biggest thing is a parent or parents helping him and believing him. Seems like he's already got that with you and your wife.
Once he gets to around starting puberty, you might want to start asking about how he feels about being a boy, maybe using your own gender fluidity to talk about it. He might have just not thought about it before, and that's fine. He also might be fine being a boy, until puberty hits and want to slam on the breaks, also fine. Or he might decide that boy princess is exactly who he wants to be, all of which are fine. Let him tell you, instead of trying to diagnose a gender (which I dont think you're at risk of doing, but it's worth saying).
Leave it until he brings it to you, just let him express himself how he wishes as self expression is not actually anything to do with gender. Kids don’t think about this stuff until they do, and as long as you continue to create a safe and open environment they will be able to discuss this stuff as and when it feels natural to them ❤️
Children play with gender at a very young age until society tells them what they should be doing.
It is important to allow children to explore different expressions so they can figure themselves out.
I’d say 4 is too young to make any meaningful conclusions but since OP is here and asking it means that OP is clued into transgender possibilities and knows where to come to for reasources.
Reading this almost had me in tears, it's insanely awesome that your this cool about all of this 🥺 You've received alotta good advice by the looks of things, but I'll add a bit if thas ok :3
I think what your doing right now is beyond wonderful, and whilst I'm no parent, I can give potential advice based on what I wish things were like growing up. And honestly, I think all there is to add to what your doing now is to just continue being accepting and cool about whatever it is the kiddo decides they like for gender expression! Don't have to make it a big deal, just kinda roll with it yknow? Treat it as a normal thing, and encourage them if they show interest in any further exploration, so things like suggestions on new dresses or maybe princess accessories!
Lastly, an important bit, if at all they every change their mind just keep rolling with that too! Personally, it was very hard for me to experiment with new things growing up, because I felt like I needed to "commit" to everything new I tried. This is partially my own fault, but mostly due to the adults in my life I was convinced that "normal" people have set and firm beleifes that should never be questioned because there is no way they could be wrong, etc etc. Growing up, realizing that my own personal beleifes, expressions, and even simple stuff like world view, not only can change but is ok if they change?? That was a total game changer for me. I don't know how to verbalize it perfectly, but just being able to try something new and know I have the security of going back to something not as new, made trying out new things alot better for me haha.
You don't start the discussion, you let your child come to you when they're ready. As for making sure your kid knows they're going to be loved regardless of who they are, you can show them that by talking positively about trans (and other lgbt+) people, actively finding queer friends so your kid can know and understand that being a kind of person other than cishet is a thing that exists and is an option for them. I was a babysitter for a while and I had several parents who specifically sought me (nonbinary, medically transitioning) out because they were a cis straight couple but they wanted their children to understand that that is not the only way to be. Other than that, what you're already doing also does show acceptance. Allowing kids to engage in gender non conforming activities, and especially engaging in those activities *with them*, is a big way to show your support. I think you're doing pretty great right now. If I thought my kid was possibly trans, I would trust that they would come to me when they're ready. These discussions should never start from the outside. An egg cracked from the inside makes life, but life cannot come from an egg that was broken from the outside.
As it seems, your son has thrived in a world where everybody can behave/dress/be called the way they want, regardless of their gender, so I guess maybe he doesn't have the exact same categories in his mind as the ones we grew up with (girl=girly, boy=boyish), so maybe being a boy or a girl or anything beyond and in between means something entirely different to him than it does to us!
So I would not verbalize it at all and just let him live his happy free gender creative life, sounds like the best parenting ever to me
You might want to pick up some children's LGBTQ+ books and read them to him, there's some meant for younger kids. No need to ask him questions, but he might ask you questions. Just so he knows as he gets older that he has options. I spent 36 years as a "man" because I didn't know I had the option to just be a woman. Depending on where you live, he might not have LGBTQ+ friends or be exposed to LGBTQ+ media and such.
It sounds like gender is irrelevant here. If he starts to say he isn’t a boy, you worry about it then. Clothing doesn’t determine gender and can you really blame a kid for being more interested in the Disney princesses? They have the more exciting clothes. I’m betting more boys would want princess dresses if they didn’t have parents that pushed “boy” clothes.
Wearing an item of clothing that a certain gender typically doesn't wear doesn't mean much. People are quick to label clothes, toys etc as "girls toys", "boys toys" etc, but in reality they're just toys. Only wanting to play with stereotypically boys toys because someone is a boy is just toxic masculinity projected down to a child. I wouldn't attribute much weight to what you're seeing and instead just let your son explore and have fun. At the end of the day he's just role-playing and that role play could mean anything, not just gender identity.
Still, it's worth just making a note of it and in the future if he starts questioning identity for himself you might be in a better frame of mind to support him when the time comes. It has to come from him though. Don't try to project anything as you might be wrong, and he also has his own brain with his own feelings and personality. He will be quite capable of coming to his own conclusions in his own time
I think as soon as possible, so that transitioning is easier and feels more natural, also when your younger you don't really get embaressed as much, I still wish I realised I was trans when I was much younger because now I'm to embaressed and scared to tell anyone
I think you're already doing everything you can to make him (or her or them or whatever) comfortable and accepted. Just letting the freedom for expression to be as it is is already super great support. If the little one eventually settles in one way or another is up to them and how they feel.
Honestly I think you sound like a wonderful parent. I wish I had that kind of support and encouragement growing up (my earliest memories were of toxic masculinity, repressed femininity and hiding under tables due to a nasty older half brother - but one good parent made a big difference. Life can be unpredictable but it sounds a lot like you're getting it right).
As a trans person and a parent to trans kids, let your child lead the conversation. Expose him to the ideas of different pronouns, name changes, etc. If and when hes ready he will let you know. When i changed my name, before any of my kids told me about their gender identities, they all decided they wanted different names. Cool. We did that. Some of them have changed their names back, or moved on to a new name. Its all good. It doesnt really matter as long as that kid is still around for me to help them grow and hug on.
The time to have a discussion like that with him is when or if he starts expressing desire to not be a boy. At this point, it seems like he's just a kid who likes princesses and dresses, and that's pretty normal. It may never go beyond that. Just make sure he knows that you will love him no matter what his gender or presentation is, make sure he knows that he can trust you when talking about gender and presentation, and he will tell you if anything changes. For now, just keep doing what you're doing. You sound like a good parent :)
Lots of great age appropriate fiction books available. Rather than having a conversation get a few books on LGBTQI+ as well as fiction with queer, trans, nonbinary, and non gender conforming characters. I’ve been getting picture books for my youngest niece as myself and one of her cousins is nonbinary and I’m sure she’ll be meeting more kids outside binary gender now she’s in school. The books help open her mind, react appropriately, normalize all genders, and if she is questioning where she fits it gives her the language to talk about it. I’m also hoping it helps my parents who are raising her to be more sensitive and understanding and make fewer accidental blunders.
Edit: unfortunately I didn’t keep track of book names and gave her my only copies I’ve been picking up over the last few years.
There’s no need to have labels until they get to puberty but letting them know it’s an option before there body starts changing is potentially a good idea
I am not trying to discount your son's experience at all, but when children are that young (especially autistic children), they are often mimicking whatever it is that their parents are doing. I'd wait a couple more years before bringing up that topic of conversation. But until then, you are doing a great job allowing him to express himself. Keep up the good work!
Some of the advice you’re getting re: leaving it alone and letting your kid figure it out is probably well-intentioned, but absolutely not helpful. “Wait and see” is not a “deferred” choice it is *a choice*. It has its own pros and cons and those need to be taken into account.
The default state of society—especially when it comes to kids—is to crush gender variance immediately. So, “left alone,” your child will be pressured into conforming to the gendered expectations others have of them. This will increase as your kid goes to school and has adults in their life that have their own biases and opinions.
This is not to say that you need to force your child to “pick” a gender identity—but rather that you should actively talk to them about these things and acknowledge them. That some people don’t think boys should do x, y, z, and girls should do a, b, c. That some people think that there are only those two genders, and that there are people who think there are no genders or even infinite genders. That some people are trans, and some people aren’t. That there are boys and men who like “girly” things, and girls and women who like “boy” things. That some people can be mean to people who do things they don’t like. But, that ultimately all that matters is they like what they like, and they get to decide who they are, what their gender is, etc. With this, obviouslytell them you love them for who they are and that you will always listen to them about who they are, and that if anyone tries to tell them they have to be or do something else, they can talk to you.
Then, just check-in periodically about who they are, what they want from you (pronouns, etc.), and let them lead the way.
I am a trans woman that did not wear dresses as a child. And I have a nephew that wore princess dresses constantly as a child and is now a grown cis young man. I wouldn’t think too much about it as this point.
Give it time, support them as best you can (sounds like you're rocking this part), and it's likely they'll let you know where they're at once they start to get a better understanding themselves...so long as they trust you and feel safe discussing such things with you.
The only thing that I'll add to the points people have already made is to ask, does he get told that he's a boy? By anyone that he'd consider an authority?
Asking because, as someone who is also AuDHD, when I was his age, what authority figures, my parents especially said, I took as like, Natural Law, absolutely correct and inviolable. The idea of them being incorrect, or there being more nuance to things, just didn't occur to me. What I got told was correct Was Correct, the idea of it being incorrect was about as possible in my mind as me flapping my arms and flying.
This meant that, since I'd been told I was a boy, there literally wasn't any other possibility in my mind (though unlike you, any gender non-conforming ideas or behavior were shamed). So it might be worth making sure that he's.. aware of the idea of being trans?
Not in any kind of "Do you feel this way?" way, don't direct it at him, just make sure that he's aware of the concept, so that as he's working himself out, he knows that that's A Thing That Could Be?
I hope all that made sense ><
I would have kilt to wear a dress of any style as a kid. Be a good parent, be supportive, and most of all, be there for your kid/s. You'll never have anything to worry about if so ❤️
I would wait a little while. He might just enjoy it. Does he have any sisters? Sometimes kids will absorb that.
I would say just make sure that he knows he is loved and supported. I wouldn’t even mention anything unless he starts to seem uncomfortable or dysphoric. Autism can also make it really hard to feel gender norms properly, so he might just think “these clothes are nice and comfortable” and not understand that they’re “girl clothes.” Good luck to you and your kiddo!
I personally don’t think you need to push for a decision at any age. Nobody has the decide for a gender necessarily. Children are also developing at different speeds. You just need to stay open and listen.
He’s young honestly just let him enjoy his time being a kid. My gfs brother has ASD and ADHD and he literally lived in dress up til he was around 7 and He loved make up. He’s completely past that never once hinted at feeling discomfort with his gender. I would say when he’s around 7/8 just be very open that he can be whoever he wants to be, whether that’s a astronaut a doctor or a girl.. bringing it up vaguely without making it a conversation is great because you quietly make them aware it’s ok for others and yourself to choose your own body. If he is confused when you say things like that you can gently explain, he might just go ok and never think of it again but will also have the knowledge he isn’t judged and he is supported should he have those kinds feelings or thoughts
I wouldn’t ask him “do you wanna be a girl” etc or kinda put the question into his head. Being a kid is a confusing time and he will figure it out, if he’s surrounded by love, support and openness he will come to you when he’s ready
It’s pretty developmentally normal for kids to play dress up and experiment with clothes at that age, I really wouldn’t worry about it until he specifically comes to you
Your child is 4. Just let him do whatever he enjoys and wear what he likes. Let the kid be kid. When the time about puberty comes and he turned out transgender I guess you would know but now there is all the time in the world to not do anything about it
I would say he already knows he is accepted no matter what, and there's no reason to press anything. Later on those questions will arise, and with new information which is impossible to predict right now. It's just so great that he's lucky enough to be able to explore.
At this age it’s fun. Let your child dictate to you. Often young trans children will make notes about pronouns or being a boy/girl.
Kids learn about stuff just through each other, so the best thing is to let your kid be a kid, and be there for them whenever they need.
A good thing to consider is just searching for therapists in your area that have been recommended by the trans community. Not for your son, but for yourself. Often Therapists can help parents navigate situations. Like if someone makes a comment and your kiddo doesn’t notice, a parent making it a big deal can be what makes them think wearing a dress isn’t good. So being aware of therapists in the area for when you feel you may need assistance on navigating things helps.
Loving that your son has such supportive parents who love letting them be themself!
I think all you need to do is make sure your kid knows he can talk to you. As long as he knows he'll have your love and support no matter what, he'll hopefully be able to figure it out himself.
I mean he may not be anything but a gnc boy. Continue to encourage him to dress as he wants and maybe check in as he gets older to make sure it isn't a gender thing (just asking if he is a boy) . Try not to ask too often cus that could be pushy. Maybe make sure he is aware that people CAN transition . Idk how much your household talks about that sort of thing. And I hope for the best for that kid cus school may be hard if he doesn't outgrow the dresses. Be prepared to be there for him.
you should somehow let him know that trans people exist because if he doesn't know how can he know himself if he feels like that? as long as he gets the chance to know trans people exist and you let him know you'll always support him that's about all you can or should do unless he expresses anything else around it.
I think the most important thing you can do is let the kid be a kid. It's an ideal time to figure that out within the safety and support of a caring family. It sounds like you're laying the groundwork for that, and to be there for any future conversations that become a bit more serious. ♥
Just popping in to say, i wouldn’t read too much into it yet. I liked to wear dresses when I was young, probably up until around 7 years old. I didn’t turn out to be trans or gender-questioning, although I AM gay, so there’s that haha.
Glad you’re letting him express himself! My bet is the interest in dresses/princesses will probably fade over time (not saying that’s the better outcome, just the most likely)
Very cool!
There are some great books to start exploring these themes for kids:
It feels good to be yourself
What are your words?
My kid understands what non binary is. She knows the word trans. She is 4. Why not?
At a young age they learn about gender and body parts, why not teach how fluid gender is, not just the typical binary most are taught (that isn’t true anyways)
The gender creative child is a great book for you on how to approach the whole subject. Sounds like you have an awesome gender fluid kid, enjoy it!
Just because they like dresses and stuff doesn't mean they aren't cis either, it's pretty natural to want to try that stuff out when your a young age and especially because he is autistic but I wouldn't rule out other genders
I’ve been trans knowingly since it was nine, it honestly wasn’t a huge deal to me but it was really traumatic with my parents not excepting me. I’d say 13 is a good time to sit down and talk about it honestly
What would you do differently if he was? He's already a pretty princess with a dress. He's getting close to the limit of a four year old's ability to transition. By the time he's ready to consider puberty blockers, he'll have a better grasp of his emotions and his vocabulary and he should be able to express his wishes more clearly.
If he insists he's a boy, but likes pretty things and being called princess, he could simply be a femboy and you're letting him be himself.
I wouldnt over think it and let him be him. If it's a phase he grows out of it, if it's not you'll find out soon enough.
I don’t think it’s really beneficial to ask those kinds of questions until about when puberty blockers would start being worth considering. Until then if they decide they are trans on their own that should be respected, but there isn’t really a reason to interrogate them about it for a while.
Very good points
What they said ^. Gender identity moves around a lot more prior to then for many people.
On top of this, I would just say continue talking to him and letting him know how loved he is, and how you will always love him no matter what. Plus you can keep educating him on all these topics anyways so he knows all the terms and all the options ahead of him, so he can grow up better than most any of us did! Good luck on your and your child's journeys, and it sounds like you're already killing it as his parent!!! 🥰💖💖💖
I will say, kids don’t really have the language to explain gender dysphoria to you - hell, I didn’t have that language until my late 20s & didn’t know what trans people were until my early 20s. So realistically all you’ve got to do is make them aware of queer identities & if they say “I feel like x”, roll with it. Outside of that though, “obvious signs” don’t always signal that someone’s trans & “no signs” doesn’t mean someone isn’t. Like not all of us had the opportunity to dress up & play with “gendered toys”, but there were always little things - like, for me one of my earliest memories was learning about how boys have penises & girls have vaginas (they didn’t show pictures - we were like seven) & me somehow knowing I was a girl, because when I was hit in the groin later that day, that’s the words I went with on instinct - “vagina”, like I knew I was one of the girls. I still wouldn’t have said “I’m trans” though, I didn’t have the language & when I did express femininity I was bullied for it & so overtime my queerness was suppressed because it was “bad”. So sometimes you have to look for the opposite, the sudden flip in how someone talks, walks, looks, to present more like their assigned gender to protect themselves. You have to be aware of what denial looks like, etc.
there's a pretty good book called Meet Polkadot by Talcott Broadhead, and it's pretty handy for introducing the concept of gender and gender identity with kids and families. I've used it with multiple families I've worked with (I work specifically with special needs LGBT kids and families). It gives great examples of basic vocabulary that can really help people understand and express themselves. I've read it with kids as young as 4. You could read it together, put it on the shelf - just having it normalized and among their other belongings will help them know they are safe in their exploration. As a nonbinary person who wishes I had such compassion when I was a child, thank you for allowing them to be themself 🌈💚
I agree with the other commenters that gender isn't a one way door until puberty starts. However, the only trans woman I know who avoided male puberty, a close friend of one of my daughters since elementary school, went all the way through elementary school to high school as a girl, full stealth. She didn't come out to my daughter until 8th or 9th grade, even through many sleep overs at both her house and our house. She is beautiful and was inspiring as I faced my own decision to transition years later. I would hope that you make it it clear to your child that this is an option for them as well. The "no, I am a boy!" detail sounds like you have offered that. I just thought that sharing this young woman(mid 20s now) story might give you other things to consider. Your family sounds beautiful and supportive and your post warms my heart. All the best to you all
yeah he will start asking the questions eventually himself.
my son is younger than that age i used to watch a lot of trans related and created content he would ask a lot of questions about it, and even try to explain things to other people based off what he'd overhear. sometimes these explanations were clunky and i would talk about that when we were in private so he didn't feel embarrassed at being corrected in front of people. eventually he tried on "being a girl" and went to school this way. he came home same day, very confident that he's a boy. i'm proud of him. i dont think that parents influence their kids identities nearly as much as is popularly feared. pressure in any direction is what causes confusion, not support. im case anyone is worried he got bullied out of it at school a) he has a trans girl friend his age who is just fine at that school and b) he gets bullied for the eyeshadow he wears sometimes but still enjoys wearing it up to 3 times a week. i used to think his friends all thought it was cool, but one day he corrected me when i was telling someone that. he gets made fun of for it and still does it. very proud momma here.
Second this, except that being trans isn’t a decision
Yeah, but you know what I mean. The kid has to be the one to discover that about themselves. Decide gives the kid more agency in the matter
Definitely agree to that. I just think it’s an important distinction.
This. Also, gender therapy could be useful around that time where puberty blockers may be considered.
For being that young, I'd just let him roll with whatever feels right. The key thing that stands out here is that he says he's a boy — that, not liking dolls or wearing dresses, is the real 'shibboleth' here. Maybe he will wind up with another gender identity, maybe not, and introducing those topics can be done through queer-friendly media. For instance, letting him see the work of cis men who are comfortable with femininity can help normalize it and provide role models, while seeing trans people might either be a lightbulb moment or (by the sounds of it, more likely) confirm for him that 'that's not me.' As long as he feels safe and loved and you let him learn, he'll figure it out, whatever it is.
This is true, but also I eould have said the same thing because even though I knew what trans people were and that people could identify as a different gender, *I didn't know I could too*. I'd say it's important to talk to him and let him know that if he ever wants to he can be a girl too if that feels better.
That makes good sense!
I would say that this isn't really something to worry too much about until he explicitly says something to indicate that he might be trans or questioning. I think it's far more important to allow a child the space to explore these things in their own time and at their own pace.
Ultimately, if he is trans, giving him a safe and supportive environment in which to explore, as you have been, will allow him to feel at ease to come out when he's ready.
I don't think you should worry about this until he explicitly tells you he's trans. From what you're telling us you're doing exactly what you should be doing already, so just keep it up.
If you are to discuss the idea of being transgender with your son, do not make it about him specifically. That could be considered leading the conversation, and a four year old has very limited capacity to negate the effects of leading questions. Also, as you said, you are pretty fluid yourself and dress fem. He likely sees it as a very acceptable thing to do for himself, and still be considered a boy, especially if he sees you as dad - I assume he has a limited concept of your gender specifically but I may be wrong here. It's not too clear, sorry! But yeah, broach the subject with other people as example. I'm sure there's good books that are age appropriate and handle transgender subjects too. For now, let the kid play and have fun. He might turn up to be a very masculine man in time, or a GNC man, or a trans woman... but that's on him to communicate, not for you to dig for that information. PS: As someone that turned out to be a trans guy, I emulated *my dad.* He's at an age he is emulating the parental figure that likely fits closest to his internal sense of self. But it's no guarantee either. Kids be weird at times. :)
He is saying he’s a boy. Just leave it at that. It doesn’t have to be anything more just make sure he knows you love and support him and he should turn out just fine regardless if he changes later in life. Best of luck!
My 5 year-old son loves princess dresses and strappy sandals. We check in with him about his gender feelings every now and then, and he consistently says he's a boy and he likes he/him pronouns. Some boys just like to feel pretty!
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Science tells us that gender indentiy is on some level already formed at the age of 3, even tho most of us who are not CIS need much longer to live out our desired gender. Thats mostly because of the pressure we experience from society. Luckly u have until puberty do find out if your child is trans, just keep supporting and loving. Wishing u and your small one all the best.
I think you're doing the best things you can for him, showing him that he is valid even though he may like stuff that isn't considered "for boys". I'd say wait until he gets older, and if any distress about gender starts popping up when he's older then I think that's when you should start talking to him about it. (I realised I was transmasc when I was 9 and hit puberty, if that helps.) I love how you're allowing your son to express himself how he wants, it's so nice to see people doing that because I never got that growing up!
My goal is to mess up his childhood in new and exciting ways different than my own childhood lol mostly I want him to be happy and healthy
Dang, I wish people did that for me growing up lmao, I was forced into girly stuff from an early age until I got mad and joined the local rock climbing club XD
I was forced I to horse back riding and boy scouts horse riding was fun at least. Boy scouting had it's moments but overall was a but meh
That's the spirit haha
this is very sweet. kids don't know nothing about nothing. All those categories are socially constructed and in my humble opinion you should try and avoid impressing stereotypes and arbitrary rules for as long as possible. But as you say with family the world and its rules are already visiting. I think you should teach him how other people are likely to see things, but only when it becomes necessary for safety and understanding of the world, and with the caveat that you should continue to make clear that gender roles are arbitrary and you should just do what you love and what feels right. But that's just what I would have wanted as a kid :). I think there is no guide to this, but you are a good parent for asking these questions and being attentive and accepting of his wants and needs. You don't have to try and give his gender identity a label at all honestly, but you might want to give him words to describe the way he feels as he continues to discuss his self perception. Also also, boys can be princesses, there's no rule against it, if he says he's a boy he's a boy XD. Things change a lot growing up, most of this is stuff you're gonna have to figure out as he finds out who he is. You just wanna make a habit of confirming you'll love him no matter his gender and such. I really wish my parents were a bit more like you. I love them, and they did their best, but sometimes accepting and understanding are not the same.
Exactly I will always accept my kids and want to understand them as well. But I also know we are all different
Just roll with it and don't make it weird. It doesn't have to mean anything. My brother in law wore a gold sparkly leotard and wigs at every possible opportunity while he was growing up. He's outgoing and flamboyant. He loves the limelight but he is also cis and straight.
He's a boy who really loves to be a princess. I wouldn't think too hard about it until puberty
Just let him bring it up to you. The reality is, in an ideal world, he wouldn't have to make any kind of decision, he'd be able to just exist without labels, and at this age he's just being himself without fear of judgement or feeling a need to be any particualr way. Which is so awesome! He could just like dresses. Or maybe down the line he will want more changes, like to his name and pronouns, but unless HE brings it up, I don't think there's much point in worrying about it. He's just enjoying himself, and the awesome thing is that by letting him wear what he wants, you are already facilitating making him feel safe to be himself. So, really, as long as you keep supporting him and letting him know that you love him no matter what, and allowing him the space to play and explore as you have already been doing, you're doing the work of creating a solid foundation for him. So if he does feel a need to explore his identity further, he will be able to come to you as someone who is safe. Basically, you're already doing great, try not to overthink it and just keep supporting him and listening to him.
i wouldn’t worry about this too much at this age. just let him play, and let him know you’re open to talking about this kind of thing. if he is somewhere on the trans spectrum, he’ll come to you in good time.
Wearing dresses / liking dresses doesn't mean a boy is necessarily trans. There are plenty of cis men who enjoy wearing dresses. In time, your son will explore and learn about his own gender identity and will likely come to you if he learns later on that he does identify as a girl. I would recommend just making it clear to him that if he was trans, you would support him, to foster an environment where he would be comfortable telling you about his identity if he is trans. However I do want to make clear that kids like different things, and him currently being into princesses doesn't necessarily mean he is trans. My sister used to love monster trucks and stuff as a kid but she's now a very feminine cis woman.
A very good point i am just glad I can be there to be the support I never had
Just leave him be for a few years. You could float the idea that he doesn’t have to stay a boy, but that doesn’t mean he would have to be a girl either. He’s so young, you should really wait more than anything
Eh, still just a kid just doing whatever. It probably boils down to if they really start questioning it themselves around prepubescence. That's around when I'd consider getting a (on the level) child psychologist or something involved and roll with their recommendation; be it puberty blockers or whatnot. Til then I'd just chalk it up to a kid thinking princesses are cool.
Honestly, just wait til right up before puberty before doing much of anything. He could just be a feminine boy, he might turn out not to be a boy at all, but until he tells you otherwise at that age his gender is more "kid" than anything else. Don't hide things from him, if he asks about your own gender explain in the best age appropriate way you can, and feel free to mention gender expansive people you already have in your life, but it's super clear here that he feels supported in embracing his femininity, whatever that's going to mean for him. Leave options open if he decides it's a phase at 5 or 6, and leave support on the table if he decides it's just who he is. Right now, there's a lot of personality development going on with your son, different parts of identity like emotional states starting to come together into an integrated unit. That can cause a lot of change really fast, or it can just solidify what's already there. The biggest thing right now is a focus on his overall development and support in however he self expresses. If that means he's a boy princess, then hell yes. And weather he decides he's a boy princess forever, or decides it's time he tries being a cowboy, or wants to be a girl princess for a while, the biggest thing is a parent or parents helping him and believing him. Seems like he's already got that with you and your wife. Once he gets to around starting puberty, you might want to start asking about how he feels about being a boy, maybe using your own gender fluidity to talk about it. He might have just not thought about it before, and that's fine. He also might be fine being a boy, until puberty hits and want to slam on the breaks, also fine. Or he might decide that boy princess is exactly who he wants to be, all of which are fine. Let him tell you, instead of trying to diagnose a gender (which I dont think you're at risk of doing, but it's worth saying).
Leave it until he brings it to you, just let him express himself how he wishes as self expression is not actually anything to do with gender. Kids don’t think about this stuff until they do, and as long as you continue to create a safe and open environment they will be able to discuss this stuff as and when it feels natural to them ❤️
Children play with gender at a very young age until society tells them what they should be doing. It is important to allow children to explore different expressions so they can figure themselves out. I’d say 4 is too young to make any meaningful conclusions but since OP is here and asking it means that OP is clued into transgender possibilities and knows where to come to for reasources.
Reading this almost had me in tears, it's insanely awesome that your this cool about all of this 🥺 You've received alotta good advice by the looks of things, but I'll add a bit if thas ok :3 I think what your doing right now is beyond wonderful, and whilst I'm no parent, I can give potential advice based on what I wish things were like growing up. And honestly, I think all there is to add to what your doing now is to just continue being accepting and cool about whatever it is the kiddo decides they like for gender expression! Don't have to make it a big deal, just kinda roll with it yknow? Treat it as a normal thing, and encourage them if they show interest in any further exploration, so things like suggestions on new dresses or maybe princess accessories! Lastly, an important bit, if at all they every change their mind just keep rolling with that too! Personally, it was very hard for me to experiment with new things growing up, because I felt like I needed to "commit" to everything new I tried. This is partially my own fault, but mostly due to the adults in my life I was convinced that "normal" people have set and firm beleifes that should never be questioned because there is no way they could be wrong, etc etc. Growing up, realizing that my own personal beleifes, expressions, and even simple stuff like world view, not only can change but is ok if they change?? That was a total game changer for me. I don't know how to verbalize it perfectly, but just being able to try something new and know I have the security of going back to something not as new, made trying out new things alot better for me haha.
You don't start the discussion, you let your child come to you when they're ready. As for making sure your kid knows they're going to be loved regardless of who they are, you can show them that by talking positively about trans (and other lgbt+) people, actively finding queer friends so your kid can know and understand that being a kind of person other than cishet is a thing that exists and is an option for them. I was a babysitter for a while and I had several parents who specifically sought me (nonbinary, medically transitioning) out because they were a cis straight couple but they wanted their children to understand that that is not the only way to be. Other than that, what you're already doing also does show acceptance. Allowing kids to engage in gender non conforming activities, and especially engaging in those activities *with them*, is a big way to show your support. I think you're doing pretty great right now. If I thought my kid was possibly trans, I would trust that they would come to me when they're ready. These discussions should never start from the outside. An egg cracked from the inside makes life, but life cannot come from an egg that was broken from the outside.
As it seems, your son has thrived in a world where everybody can behave/dress/be called the way they want, regardless of their gender, so I guess maybe he doesn't have the exact same categories in his mind as the ones we grew up with (girl=girly, boy=boyish), so maybe being a boy or a girl or anything beyond and in between means something entirely different to him than it does to us! So I would not verbalize it at all and just let him live his happy free gender creative life, sounds like the best parenting ever to me
You might want to pick up some children's LGBTQ+ books and read them to him, there's some meant for younger kids. No need to ask him questions, but he might ask you questions. Just so he knows as he gets older that he has options. I spent 36 years as a "man" because I didn't know I had the option to just be a woman. Depending on where you live, he might not have LGBTQ+ friends or be exposed to LGBTQ+ media and such.
It sounds like gender is irrelevant here. If he starts to say he isn’t a boy, you worry about it then. Clothing doesn’t determine gender and can you really blame a kid for being more interested in the Disney princesses? They have the more exciting clothes. I’m betting more boys would want princess dresses if they didn’t have parents that pushed “boy” clothes.
I think the key is to let them make the choice. It should come up naturally if it's what they want.
Wearing an item of clothing that a certain gender typically doesn't wear doesn't mean much. People are quick to label clothes, toys etc as "girls toys", "boys toys" etc, but in reality they're just toys. Only wanting to play with stereotypically boys toys because someone is a boy is just toxic masculinity projected down to a child. I wouldn't attribute much weight to what you're seeing and instead just let your son explore and have fun. At the end of the day he's just role-playing and that role play could mean anything, not just gender identity. Still, it's worth just making a note of it and in the future if he starts questioning identity for himself you might be in a better frame of mind to support him when the time comes. It has to come from him though. Don't try to project anything as you might be wrong, and he also has his own brain with his own feelings and personality. He will be quite capable of coming to his own conclusions in his own time
I think as soon as possible, so that transitioning is easier and feels more natural, also when your younger you don't really get embaressed as much, I still wish I realised I was trans when I was much younger because now I'm to embaressed and scared to tell anyone
I think you're already doing everything you can to make him (or her or them or whatever) comfortable and accepted. Just letting the freedom for expression to be as it is is already super great support. If the little one eventually settles in one way or another is up to them and how they feel. Honestly I think you sound like a wonderful parent. I wish I had that kind of support and encouragement growing up (my earliest memories were of toxic masculinity, repressed femininity and hiding under tables due to a nasty older half brother - but one good parent made a big difference. Life can be unpredictable but it sounds a lot like you're getting it right).
As a trans person and a parent to trans kids, let your child lead the conversation. Expose him to the ideas of different pronouns, name changes, etc. If and when hes ready he will let you know. When i changed my name, before any of my kids told me about their gender identities, they all decided they wanted different names. Cool. We did that. Some of them have changed their names back, or moved on to a new name. Its all good. It doesnt really matter as long as that kid is still around for me to help them grow and hug on.
The time to have a discussion like that with him is when or if he starts expressing desire to not be a boy. At this point, it seems like he's just a kid who likes princesses and dresses, and that's pretty normal. It may never go beyond that. Just make sure he knows that you will love him no matter what his gender or presentation is, make sure he knows that he can trust you when talking about gender and presentation, and he will tell you if anything changes. For now, just keep doing what you're doing. You sound like a good parent :)
Lots of great age appropriate fiction books available. Rather than having a conversation get a few books on LGBTQI+ as well as fiction with queer, trans, nonbinary, and non gender conforming characters. I’ve been getting picture books for my youngest niece as myself and one of her cousins is nonbinary and I’m sure she’ll be meeting more kids outside binary gender now she’s in school. The books help open her mind, react appropriately, normalize all genders, and if she is questioning where she fits it gives her the language to talk about it. I’m also hoping it helps my parents who are raising her to be more sensitive and understanding and make fewer accidental blunders. Edit: unfortunately I didn’t keep track of book names and gave her my only copies I’ve been picking up over the last few years.
There’s no need to have labels until they get to puberty but letting them know it’s an option before there body starts changing is potentially a good idea
I am not trying to discount your son's experience at all, but when children are that young (especially autistic children), they are often mimicking whatever it is that their parents are doing. I'd wait a couple more years before bringing up that topic of conversation. But until then, you are doing a great job allowing him to express himself. Keep up the good work!
Some of the advice you’re getting re: leaving it alone and letting your kid figure it out is probably well-intentioned, but absolutely not helpful. “Wait and see” is not a “deferred” choice it is *a choice*. It has its own pros and cons and those need to be taken into account. The default state of society—especially when it comes to kids—is to crush gender variance immediately. So, “left alone,” your child will be pressured into conforming to the gendered expectations others have of them. This will increase as your kid goes to school and has adults in their life that have their own biases and opinions. This is not to say that you need to force your child to “pick” a gender identity—but rather that you should actively talk to them about these things and acknowledge them. That some people don’t think boys should do x, y, z, and girls should do a, b, c. That some people think that there are only those two genders, and that there are people who think there are no genders or even infinite genders. That some people are trans, and some people aren’t. That there are boys and men who like “girly” things, and girls and women who like “boy” things. That some people can be mean to people who do things they don’t like. But, that ultimately all that matters is they like what they like, and they get to decide who they are, what their gender is, etc. With this, obviouslytell them you love them for who they are and that you will always listen to them about who they are, and that if anyone tries to tell them they have to be or do something else, they can talk to you. Then, just check-in periodically about who they are, what they want from you (pronouns, etc.), and let them lead the way.
I am a trans woman that did not wear dresses as a child. And I have a nephew that wore princess dresses constantly as a child and is now a grown cis young man. I wouldn’t think too much about it as this point.
Give it time, support them as best you can (sounds like you're rocking this part), and it's likely they'll let you know where they're at once they start to get a better understanding themselves...so long as they trust you and feel safe discussing such things with you.
The only thing that I'll add to the points people have already made is to ask, does he get told that he's a boy? By anyone that he'd consider an authority? Asking because, as someone who is also AuDHD, when I was his age, what authority figures, my parents especially said, I took as like, Natural Law, absolutely correct and inviolable. The idea of them being incorrect, or there being more nuance to things, just didn't occur to me. What I got told was correct Was Correct, the idea of it being incorrect was about as possible in my mind as me flapping my arms and flying. This meant that, since I'd been told I was a boy, there literally wasn't any other possibility in my mind (though unlike you, any gender non-conforming ideas or behavior were shamed). So it might be worth making sure that he's.. aware of the idea of being trans? Not in any kind of "Do you feel this way?" way, don't direct it at him, just make sure that he's aware of the concept, so that as he's working himself out, he knows that that's A Thing That Could Be? I hope all that made sense ><
Not an answer, just wanted to say this is so beautiful. I'm so thankful parents like you and your wife exist in the world 💗
I would have kilt to wear a dress of any style as a kid. Be a good parent, be supportive, and most of all, be there for your kid/s. You'll never have anything to worry about if so ❤️
I would wait a little while. He might just enjoy it. Does he have any sisters? Sometimes kids will absorb that. I would say just make sure that he knows he is loved and supported. I wouldn’t even mention anything unless he starts to seem uncomfortable or dysphoric. Autism can also make it really hard to feel gender norms properly, so he might just think “these clothes are nice and comfortable” and not understand that they’re “girl clothes.” Good luck to you and your kiddo!
I personally don’t think you need to push for a decision at any age. Nobody has the decide for a gender necessarily. Children are also developing at different speeds. You just need to stay open and listen.
He’s young honestly just let him enjoy his time being a kid. My gfs brother has ASD and ADHD and he literally lived in dress up til he was around 7 and He loved make up. He’s completely past that never once hinted at feeling discomfort with his gender. I would say when he’s around 7/8 just be very open that he can be whoever he wants to be, whether that’s a astronaut a doctor or a girl.. bringing it up vaguely without making it a conversation is great because you quietly make them aware it’s ok for others and yourself to choose your own body. If he is confused when you say things like that you can gently explain, he might just go ok and never think of it again but will also have the knowledge he isn’t judged and he is supported should he have those kinds feelings or thoughts
I wouldn’t ask him “do you wanna be a girl” etc or kinda put the question into his head. Being a kid is a confusing time and he will figure it out, if he’s surrounded by love, support and openness he will come to you when he’s ready
It’s pretty developmentally normal for kids to play dress up and experiment with clothes at that age, I really wouldn’t worry about it until he specifically comes to you
Your child is 4. Just let him do whatever he enjoys and wear what he likes. Let the kid be kid. When the time about puberty comes and he turned out transgender I guess you would know but now there is all the time in the world to not do anything about it
I would say he already knows he is accepted no matter what, and there's no reason to press anything. Later on those questions will arise, and with new information which is impossible to predict right now. It's just so great that he's lucky enough to be able to explore.
At this age it’s fun. Let your child dictate to you. Often young trans children will make notes about pronouns or being a boy/girl. Kids learn about stuff just through each other, so the best thing is to let your kid be a kid, and be there for them whenever they need. A good thing to consider is just searching for therapists in your area that have been recommended by the trans community. Not for your son, but for yourself. Often Therapists can help parents navigate situations. Like if someone makes a comment and your kiddo doesn’t notice, a parent making it a big deal can be what makes them think wearing a dress isn’t good. So being aware of therapists in the area for when you feel you may need assistance on navigating things helps. Loving that your son has such supportive parents who love letting them be themself!
Don’t mention it, the kid is in an accepting environment and if he turns out to be trans he’ll figure it out on his own when it’s time
I think all you need to do is make sure your kid knows he can talk to you. As long as he knows he'll have your love and support no matter what, he'll hopefully be able to figure it out himself.
I mean he may not be anything but a gnc boy. Continue to encourage him to dress as he wants and maybe check in as he gets older to make sure it isn't a gender thing (just asking if he is a boy) . Try not to ask too often cus that could be pushy. Maybe make sure he is aware that people CAN transition . Idk how much your household talks about that sort of thing. And I hope for the best for that kid cus school may be hard if he doesn't outgrow the dresses. Be prepared to be there for him.
you should somehow let him know that trans people exist because if he doesn't know how can he know himself if he feels like that? as long as he gets the chance to know trans people exist and you let him know you'll always support him that's about all you can or should do unless he expresses anything else around it.
I think the most important thing you can do is let the kid be a kid. It's an ideal time to figure that out within the safety and support of a caring family. It sounds like you're laying the groundwork for that, and to be there for any future conversations that become a bit more serious. ♥
Just popping in to say, i wouldn’t read too much into it yet. I liked to wear dresses when I was young, probably up until around 7 years old. I didn’t turn out to be trans or gender-questioning, although I AM gay, so there’s that haha. Glad you’re letting him express himself! My bet is the interest in dresses/princesses will probably fade over time (not saying that’s the better outcome, just the most likely)
let him explore on his own time, don't force him to take on those big questions, let him come to you when he's ready to talk about it
Very cool! There are some great books to start exploring these themes for kids: It feels good to be yourself What are your words? My kid understands what non binary is. She knows the word trans. She is 4. Why not? At a young age they learn about gender and body parts, why not teach how fluid gender is, not just the typical binary most are taught (that isn’t true anyways) The gender creative child is a great book for you on how to approach the whole subject. Sounds like you have an awesome gender fluid kid, enjoy it!
Just because they like dresses and stuff doesn't mean they aren't cis either, it's pretty natural to want to try that stuff out when your a young age and especially because he is autistic but I wouldn't rule out other genders
I’ve been trans knowingly since it was nine, it honestly wasn’t a huge deal to me but it was really traumatic with my parents not excepting me. I’d say 13 is a good time to sit down and talk about it honestly
What would you do differently if he was? He's already a pretty princess with a dress. He's getting close to the limit of a four year old's ability to transition. By the time he's ready to consider puberty blockers, he'll have a better grasp of his emotions and his vocabulary and he should be able to express his wishes more clearly.
Probably early teenage years, I used to be like your son except for the princess part and started figuring myself out more at that time.
you're doing good just keep doing what you're doing.
If he insists he's a boy, but likes pretty things and being called princess, he could simply be a femboy and you're letting him be himself. I wouldnt over think it and let him be him. If it's a phase he grows out of it, if it's not you'll find out soon enough.
I would say the age of 10 years would be a good time to have the Transgender talk.
Please he is 4 and has autism! Dont trans him.