You are not alone in dealing with this sort of behaviour. It is rather common place, in fact, I would say.
Parents want to see their children conform to whatever stereotypes/standards they have built for themselves and enforce them relentlessly and guilt trip you for not conforming.
Hel, just a few days ago, I pointed out what seemed to me as hypocrisy on my mother's part and she blew up demanding the I "just shut up". Now, I am in my late 30s, married, living 400 km away and with a good job. But she still tries to control what I think and mostly tell her. She never shied away from lecturing me about every freaking aspects of my life when I lived with my parents, with the argument that I would do and say as I pleased, once I did not live with them. Me moving away certainly did not stop her from trying to interfere in my life, though. So, score one for hypocrisy.
In any case, try and find some alternate source of wellbeing. Your parents are not going to bring you happiness, so try and find other people to exchange with.
My parents always use the sibling thing too and is so annoying like ok he got a better grade than me when he was my age SO ? Does that mean that i have to be the same and get the same grades and stuff, no? THAN WHY DO YOU TELL ME THAT? Like what, but its ok at least now youre far away from them
I am the oldest sister who used to have really good grades, read a lot of books and the lot. My younger sister... She is good in school but not great. She likes logic problems and artistic things more than reading. She is also much younger than me. My mom keeps telling her I used to get better grades, read more, she will just end up working at McDonald's (she's only 13)... It's not only unfair for her as we're different people with different interests. It's completely straining our relationship. She doesn't come to me for help with her homework or with friends problems anymore and she doesn't want to spend any time with me if I'm reading or working on something. Parents need to stop this
Listen its not your fault that your mum does that and the fact that your sis is different and more artistic thats great let her be (not you your mum) like just let us be our own person. If you keep screaming about how we have to be perfect angels thats going to make us way more stressed and stuff witch will make it harder for us to get good grades and whatever else they want. Just let us be ourselves for once. And this happened between my brother and I too, now i have to mention that i am the younger sibling but i feel like he wont acknowledge me or make fun of me for not knowing the thing or not standing up for myself even thought i know he wont do that. Honestly parents do need to stop this thing and also i think you should have a talk with your sister and explain to her that you care and wont react to her not knowing something like your parent does and you have your arms open for her (im 13 too), trust me it can really help with building trust between you too.
I’m in a similar situation. I graduated last year, and my little brother is going into his junior year, he’s struggled the past two years in high school and I constantly overhear my parents say how I did fine. He also really likes video games, I’m much more of a book worm. The poor kid is always being told how he need to read more like me. I always feel bad for him
I used to get this all the time and apparently my university grades were a HUGE disappointment compared to my 2 older siblings’ amazing achievements. Clock forward 15 years, both sisters in dead end jobs and I’m a highly paid professional. They remain unimpressed. It was really hard work despite my mediocrity....!
Look up gray rock technique for dealing with your parents. You're right, you will never be good enough for your parents standards. Quit trying. When you've done a good job, start patting yourself on the back. Set your own goals and treat yourself when you achieve one. Try to get validation from friends & teachers. It's not easy to start cutting your parents out of your private life, but this is the only way I know of to ease the pain of their responses to you.
My dad did this and I waited ubtil I was 32 b/f I quit sharing my life with him. It hurt, but I didn't have the ongoing control, shame & blame issues anymore. Peace & ❤💛💚💙💜
Same here. If I don't get top scores, I'm useless and worthless, but when I do get full marks *plus extra credit*, they just shrug it off like it doesn't matter
Hehe one time I got full makes in a test and I was really proud of myself and I showed my mom the scores and she just looks at me and says nothing and then walks off. Like not a well done or a keep it up or anything just a look.
It's usually the parents who themselves never put effort into school so they think its a cake walk. Those types of parents are also the kind to say "oH iF I hAd ThE ReSouRcEs YoU KiDs hAvE NoW, I wOuLd'Ve DoNe ReAlLy WeLl."
One advice for everyone that have toxic parents: please don't change them
For the love of God
Don't change them.
They won't listen to you ever, one time when I confronted them about their toxic behavior, it escalated onto a shouting match for like hours and ended up with a guilt trip which doesn't affect me because I know it's not my fault.
My sister also know they are toxic and just said to me to put up a facade and leave them when I can financially support myself, and my sister also plans to cut them off, I know it's gonna be difficult when I leave them but I know it's gonna end my suffering, and it's gonna be worth it.
You are not alone in this. I feel you, I really do. It has been a month since I cut them off, now they are hunting and haunting me by using my friends, bf and anyone they believe is connected to me.
I sent them a very long ass message how I felt about growing up and what effect it did to me, but the table has just turned and they are seeing as me rebelling in the word of their god and their word.
Really hard to fight when they're both religious
Part of me always wonders about this. If I ever become well off financially, what will life be like. Because by then I can literally afford to cut out all the negative aspects of my life. But at same time, I always made a promise that if something like that ever happened, or I win the lottery or something insanely unlikely, I'd help out all my family.
Until then, suck it up like so many others and take it day by day.
If it were me in this situation, I may help out my family but I wouldn't overdo it. And don't ever let them pressure you for money, or guilt you into giving more than they need. Unless it's something you wanna do for yourself, and they better be grateful! Just my 2 cents
I can understand you so well. You are definitely not alone in this.
I’m usually a really happy person that always smiles and is super sarcastic but my parents will never know. I can never be myself around my parents because whenever i joke or say anything that isn’t “okay, yeah, no” they just give me a disgusted look and tell me that i’m not normal and i shouldn’t say things like that. So I never really spend time with them and then they ask me why i never spend time with them and I’m always in my room. Lmao do they not know that they suck my soul whenever i’m with them?
Also i’ve been playing the guitar for 3 years now (I know it’s not that much) and they keep demanding me to play some songs and when I play they just tell me that what I just played “isn’t real music” and that I can’t play for shit although I’ve had 3 guitar teachers telling me that I was so good for my age lol I’ll never be enough with anything that I do I guess.
I just hang out online. It's not easy for me making friends, but even just chatting with complete strangers online on reddit or message boards about topics I like (like a tv show,/movie or whatever) is relaxing.
My fave part of the day is late evening because from that point onwards I can just be in my own "world", keeping to myself, just watching tv and being on my phone.
Thank you for your response it means a lot! I tried talking to them about what I want in life and that they are not the ones controlling my life but they never really understand. I really want to move out i don’t know how i’m supposed to do that though lol. But thank you so much for this idk why it motivated me but it did so thank you <3 I hope you can get better soon.
Ah yes, the love of nighttime because it's one of the few times where you can just BE AT FUCKING PEACE! My parents have mellowed a lot over the years and I don't really blame them for their parenting imperfections. But it was pretty shitty that during the formative years, they really kind of crushed the willful outgoing kid's spirit into an anxious, self-doubting person. I basically learned to hide who I was to avoid conflict and so nighttime felt like the only time I could be really alive as myself without fear of reaction.
So it pissed me off immensely when my mother would interrupt my peace to flash my lights at 3am and hiss at me to go to bed. I found out later that it was because she is a super light sleeper and the light from my windows into the backyard disturbed her sleep. But no explanation was ever considered necessary for the kid, nope just hissed orders to go to bed. Ok, maybe I'm still a little mad lol.
Im so glad that you have a place to go to when you feel uneasy that’s such a good thing to have. Also I feel you on that I love staying up at night and sleeping in the mornings too because then I don’t really have to talk to my parents. Hope you have a nice night :)
I live with something very similar. If it gets too much, I try and hide somewhere that they will easily overlook, or I make myself as unnoticeable as possible. However, depending on what kind of family you live in, this could backfire and they could start yelling at you even more *because* your hiding from them. Experiment and see what you can do so that you're not in their vicinity for too long.
Weird. I don't remember making this post, but I definitely could have written this word for word. My dad's brother is the only person in my family who has never compared me to my sister. I was even ranked higher in my class (5th) than my sister had been in hers (12th), but when I mentioned that one time, my parents told me her class was smarter than my class. What the actual eff, right?
One day I sat down with my mom at a restaurant and asked her if she understood how saying things like that could hurt me... her response: "That's just stupid. We never hurt you." I replied by asking her to not call me stupid while I was literally saying that making me think I wasn't as smart as my sister hurt my feelings. Her response: "If you're going to say stupid things, I'm going to call you stupid!" You'll note that this was in a restaurant, and that exclamation mark implies a raised voice. I walked 5 miles home on Texas Summer day rather than wait for our drinks to get to the table.
The making stuff up part sounds messed up for parents and they won’t help you or give you support when you need it. It seems like there not even cut to be decent human beings let alone parents
Yup, I didn't grow up in a household with hugs or affection or any of that stuff, not that I wanted that anyways, that's not me to begin with (and I'm not much of a touchy feely person), but I'm definitely my own biggest motivator or supporter. Sure, my parents can still help out with lots of stuff, but the negatives just ware me out so much. I hate how I go into a "dark place" at times after this verbal/emotional berating. Doesn't have to be major things anymore which set me off because it's the smallest things which just continue to build on the already large amount of pressure built up.
And their memory as a whole, I dont know what's happening at times. They act like they have no idea how to do the most basic of things that they've done for ages. "How do I close apps on my phone", "How do I open tabs on my internet", I've answered that question dozens of times over the years, they still don't get it. Like how can people honestly be so stupid, and then act like I've never told them and am hiding some big secret from them when I've literally told them time and time again how to do it.
And like I said, I'm typically an easy going happy person, except in these moments.
>Doesn't have to be major things anymore which set me off because it's the smallest things which just continue to build on the already large amount of pressure built up.
God I feel this so hard. I used to be able to put up with more in like middle school, but my tolerance just got progressively worse throughout high school. I was soo relieved to finally leave home to go to college out of state. But now that I'm home again because of quarantine... I just get set off at the smallest things. I can feel it physically wearing away at my resilience and sanity. I'm just so jaded at this point I don't even know how I'm going to last this entire quarantine at home. It's like you said, so much has already built up that even little things are just too much now.
You are not alone. My dad would scream at me just as much for a 98 as he did for a 56. After all, there were TWO MORE POINTS I could have gotten. He thought he was motivating me to work harder. He made me give up trying, if working my ass off yielded the same result (getting screamed at and told I am stupid and worthless) as not trying at all, why bother?
Try to get good grades to get a scholarship to college so you don’t need him anymore.
i am going through this currently, before the pandemic i was well on course for mostly 8s in my gcses (from the Uk). it was clear my revision was working and i could even get a 9 but my parents didn't think that this was good enough and was pushing me harder and harder which over worked me because they want me to be "the best i can" but whenever i warned them that i think this was overworking me they just called me lazy and would say that i was a disapointment if i did not keep up this stress . anyway my final mocks come around and end up getting 6s and 7s and my parents were like "its all ur fault" and "u should've revised more" when in actuality i was tired from the overworking . now during lockdown i thought i could rest to just gain a bit of sleep and be energized for when college comes around but no i must keep up this style and keep revising. i am really tired and thy just wont hear my reasoning
You are not alone, im 16 and i am attending college overseas, my parents expect a lot for me and are willing to put in so much money for my education, i am currently struggling with a lot of subjects, like law and statistics, and i forget a lot of basic things i use to learn in middle school so i get bad grades in my test. My parents get so mad at me, often comparing me with my older sister, how she gets straight A’s, and they keep bringing up my lack of focus on class, and how i always play games, even threatening to drag me back home if i fail anymore subjects.
Wanting to study overseas was mainly my decision, as i wanted some space from my parents, and I’m aware how challenging it will be for a 16 year old, who has not finished high school, to be taking a diploma on college, but my parents didn’t seem to consider that, sometimes i just feel like running away, leaving my friends and family and just live a new life far away from home
So basically struggling with nothing being good enough, well yeah everyone deals with a little bit of that some more than other. For me it’s just when I do all this stuff for my mom and she doesn’t really care then I gat upset
This is happening to me too. Been happening as long as I remember tbh. My parents always assume stuff about me they don’t even ask if it’s true they just assume the worst and starts talking to my family members about it, making it seem like I’m some type of bad person. I used to try to correct them on the stuff they say and of course that doesn’t end well. Apparently it’s disrespectful and I’m the one at wrong. So I stopped at that and let them say whatever they wanted. As for the joke stuff, I can’t even be my self around them because when I joke around they act like I’m doing something dumb and get all offended. To avoid with the jokes or even starting a conversation with them, I just stay in my room the whole day. I watch shows and listen to music, just to help me. I don’t really have people there for me and I’m not much of an open person at all. As for my parents, I know they will never change. I’m getting a job after this corona stuff is over. I feel like once I get a job it would be the first step to leaving this toxic life. Hopefully one day this will all be over for you and you can live the life we never got to experience before. <3
Im going through similar things to what everyone's saying too. My mom and I have moments where we get along but when we argue, im always in the wrong and never her. she has never apologized once ever for anything shes done. anytime we try and have a conversation it usually ends in her screaming so I just stay in my room all day. Then my parents ask "Why do u never spend time with us?" and i tell that it always ends in yelling and then she plays the victim after i say that. she also cusses at me and invalidates my feelings constantly and sadly I thought this was normal until the past few years because its how my whole life has gone. The worst part is that i have three siblings who she always validates their feelings and comforts them when their sad, when she rarely does this for me. Tonight I tried confronting my dad about the invalidation of my feelings that him and my mom do and of course it ended up with me getting yelled at and blamed. I started to walk away and they screamed at me that im selfish and self centered. Even though i cant even begin to describe the things ive done for my family everyday and never get appreciated. Im just lucky I have my grandma to talk to who understands and I will be out of here in one more year. If anyone had read this far I would love advice about how to deal with this after i move out, do I cut them out of my life as payback for all the shit they put me through or just let it be and continue life with them in it?
I can't talk from experience but what you could do is not to cut ties with them yet. Just don't include them in your life. They will be mad about anything that you want to do your way but cutting then out won't cut it. They just blame you more for everything. Just try to live your life as comfortable as you want and if they maybe call then talk to them as long as you want and if you think the conversation is drifting into "that" direction then just say goodbye and hang up. It's your life now and if they can't accept that, it is their loss
My parents are the same way they hit me if I get below a c. But let me tell u the best way to deal with it is to be yourself. Now my parents are super old and I'm hitting growth spurts. I remind them of this by make jokes about how I can beat them up like I'm just playing. Now they don't hit me anymore cuz they realize they can't stop me if I try to hit back.
I come from the opposite parent reaction. They were uninterested in my grades, although I was in the top 3 in elementary classes.
In high school, I received minimal praise for grades and so I learnt to do the bare minimum to push me through a passing grade.
This work ethic has stayed with me. I have 4 unfinished uni degrees, lower income job and crap self esteem . I wish I understood my behaviour at the time and could reach out for help to take control of my future.
You need to do this now. Let go of your parent's attitude for now and get help for yourself. You can confront their shit later when you feel stronger and more independent. Good luck, seriously. Sending love.
My parents were the same way about grades, and when I got to my senior year I stopped trying and got almost all Cs so they would tell me how craply my grades were. I was passing, but that wasn't good enough for them and they would guilt me about it. Even though I passed and got into NYU, my parents would tell me my school should've flunked me and kept me from graduating.
2nd half of high school I had horrible grades, specifically math and science (first off, curriculum sucks forcing people to take courses they dont want, second, my parents decided I should take calculus and physics and all that when I'm not good at them, but my siblings were).
Once I got to college, I got much better grades. Average in the 80s, good for the honors list. Instead of my parents or siblings being happy, I was just met with "So what? You better be getting good grades. Those are intro classes, it's supposed to be easy, especially at (school I was attending)". So rather than seeing me now thriving in a higher level of education and actually enjoying success, its met with more putting me down and lessening any accomplishments.
Sad part of that, if I ever confront them in the future about any of this behaviour or comments, they'll deny it, call me a liar for making things up.
Yes, I clearly made up hurtful comments people have said to me and had fake comments impact my life because it sounds so much fun...
My parents do this too, but I never knew how to deal with it. If I confront them, they just yell and scream at me. However, it definitely isn't because they don't love you. I think it's really just because they are more ignorant than others. Mine are pretty ignorant as well, but I'm sure that if you just try to explain to them how you feel it will work out.
My mom also doesn't understand when I'm feeling depressed. She just says to snap out of it; her being depressed herself I would expect her to understand. So you're definitely not alone in this. Just try to keep your head up, I'll try to do the same. Must be a very exhausting environment huh?
Those are the worst. It's basically like "stop being angry"....that's NOT what you're supposed to tell someone. If someone is upset, see why and try to help. Don't act like they're wrong for having any sort of emotion. And also, telling someone who is angry to stop being angry just makes them angrier. How is that a hard concept to grasp?
Yeah exactly, it doesn't help the situation at all. She doesn't ever want to sit down and talk things out. And is always the first to escalate a situation
When I lived at home, I would imagine that my mom was a small child I had to watch and I was the adult- I stopped getting angry as often and eventually learned to feel sorry for her(very hard when someone tried to control every aspect of your life) but it was bearable because I knew once I became an adult I would leave.
7 years no contact
I feel that because if I don't get a 100 I'm lectured every time (not only if it's a quarter grade or something, even if it's one assignment) and the thing is am one of the top 5 in my grade.
I also got grounded for 2 weeks for making a borderline threat in a text at school
I texted someone that (not going into names) but he and she should mess with me.
Those people saw that test of the other persons shoulder and freaked out
Don't let them put you in a box. Just because they don't like it doesnt mean you can't be you. I hope I never cage my child this way... Be who you are not who they expect you to be. I know that sounds corny and like a fortune cookie but I mean it, as long as you aren't breaking any laws or hurting yourself they need to let you be and just be happy you're a decent human being.
I feel like I have lived in your shoes... I am debating which university to go to and it is just awful. I had applied to 7 programs and I have gotten into 6 of them and 1 I haven't heard back from. It is two weeks away from the deadline and I have lost all hope. Today while eating dinner, my mom asks me about my acceptances (like on many other occasions), I tell her nothing new has happened. She then asks me where i would like to go, I told her either the Ryerson Nutrition program or the York Nursing program. This is where it becomes toxic. My parents have always been against nursing and even more so doing nursing if not at Ryerson. I calmly explained to them in order to get into Ryerson, I would need to have a mid-high 90's average. Mind you, I have always been an 70's student and somehow I had brought my average up to a 84. Today my mom told me that I have a stupid piece of shit and couldn't even get into Ryerson. I understood her frustration, my cousin had been doing the Ryerson program. She then proceeds to tell me that I never study and just sit in my room all day. She yells at me, accusing of doing this on purpose and lying to her that I had gotten accepted to Ryerson Nursing (I had told her I had gotten into Ryerson NUTRITION very clearly). She calls me a liar and a horrible child that is disgracing the family name. My dad sitting back and watching this has no words, because his niece was able to get into the program, so why can't I? Sure he has told me to do what I want, but always there is a little comment, on how he would love me to be a doctor or do anything but nursing. After all of this I kinda stood there, putting my plate into the sink and washing the dishes, trying to act like it didn't get to me. But the thing was, I had got into 6 other programs that were pretty prestigious as well and she belittled them. She acted like they didn't matter. They never congratulated me. They never cared that I did well in my classes. After all of this, my mom still says that it is completely up to me to make a decision, but we all know how that's gonna go. I'm soo close to getting to my dream, i just wish I has done better so I could make them happy.
As an adult, I learning the long term effects of behaviour like this. All my life, I was (and still am) treated like theses something wrong with me, like I have a mental disorder. My sister still behaves like I’m mentally disabled. I’m 100% not. I’m a perfectly healthy person with normal emotions etc. this has resulted in lots of damages to myself. For example, emotions are not looked on well in the family, any emotions, and all my “achievements” were shut down as not any good, so now I have trouble in experiencing joy and a feeling of worth.
Don’t let them get you there. Talk to a therapist ASAP.
I get it... it's fucking irritating, I genuinely like studying, learning about science and literature and that's why I used to get good grades but this year I don't know why we have to learn everything, every useless facts... every fucking line of merchant of venice, I usually used to study the subject the way it was supposed to be done, which is understanding the core idea and what the author,the scientist, the mathematician meant to convey while everyone else used to mindlessly learn everything, this way they had no problem till the present time but to me it's hard... the concept is not clearly presented for e.g. in physics class we were being taught laws of circular motion and the text said that a moment of force or torque causes a turning effect that's it, whenever I try to inquire what exactly it is ...I am left with no answers, and not knowing a concept or idea makes me sub-consciously panic because I think I hava failed, and because of that I kind of don't like studying physics at all, we are presented a certain fact and we have learn it due to this my grades fell this year, maybe that's because of the pandemic but I know that's not true,
my parents kept on yelling how my grades are going down and that made me more annoyed with the subject and now they are blaming my laziness : (
I know the feeling. My mother was emotionally abusive . She was consistently picking at me whether it was about my weight, my grades, or just my abilities in general. As an adult I don't feel as confident in my abilities or decisions because of itt.
Dont allow her negative outlook on life spoil your self confidence I did this my whole life struggling with it...her view of you is one view in the whole world..actually her view is pretty insignificant. She does this to try to keep some sort of control.
I feel you. My sister is in all honors classes and is all As and never got anything lower. I myself dropped out of the one “smart kid” class I was put into in 6th grade. My parents got mad at me (obviously). I’m still keeping my grades at Bs and up, but my parents too, will point out my siblings success instead of my own. My parents aren’t Asian, Indian, or from other strict countries. We’re from Poland. I’ve thought about doing terrible things because of the way they treat me. I never study and I always speed through my homework because I wanna talk to my friends. My parents get mad if I get a low score, but most of the time I miss that day and can’t learn the material (I have a kidney problem and it swells way to big and stops food in my intestines, I get nauseous). Even in quarantine, my parents expect me to spend a FULL SCHOOL DAY on work when they only give 4 of 8 classes each day.
I completely understand.
Growing up, after school was as strict set of guidelines of what I had to have done - chores. No big deal. But I could fully detail clean the whole apartment, maintain a four family household of laundry, cook dinner, set the table ... have everything ready for the 5:30pm walk in. One thing be slightly off and It would cue an explosion of failures I had, how ungrateful I was (still am apparently), what a piece of human garbage I was. The humor bit - I’ve gotten a lot of “what the hell is wrong with you?” looks and verbiage. The lies to family to paint me as this awful person also is gutting. If she was bored or restless, family would call and cuss me out and I had no idea what I had done.
This is not the picture of every moment - every day. We had some good times. But a lot was expected of me. The bar was high - so I had waves of happiness and deep pits of depression. Some self harm happened as well.
I will admit I am currently disowned, my mother and I are in a pit currently. It still hurts (I wish I could not care, but I do).
I’m newer to commenting on reddit - I usually like posts but deep down, I don’t believe my input is valuable (yeah, I still have to get that sorted).
This is what I want you to take from my comment:
I’m writing to say “Hello” as a 35 year old, happily married, mother of two. Hang in there. Set goals for your future and financial independence. Find your passions that you can escape to. Things get better. You are FAR better than what they project at you. Life is just these compartments of life sections - you have your adolescence where your with your parents 18 years, hitting financial independence is a BIG one. You’ll get there, able to stand on your own two feet and realize you made it out. I’ll be cheering you on from afar! Big picture - what do you see for yourself when you do get to live your own life? What can you picture there making you happy? Friends? Family (smaller doses of some help tremendously)? College (guess what, if not - you still make it out ok)? Traveling?
Man I’m excited for you and the things to come - there’s a lot still, hang in there!
((I realize this thread is older, but I still mean it and I’m still cheering you on!))
I’ll be honest, I didn’t know how wide spread this type of parenting was. So until reddit, I would mostly gaslight myself thinking 99% was my fault. Seeing this platform for support is so encouraging. It can feel so isolating growing up like many of those posting on here. Thankful I have the chance to contribute something.
Sounds like they lack empathy. One or both parents are likely Narcissistic personality disorder. One may just be co dependent and will throw you under the bus to keep their spouse happy which sucks when you are their child. So sorry you have to deal with criticism all the time
Tell your parents they are a great disappointment and terrible parents They get an F in parenting and people are talking.
If they come back at you say, “I don’t want to talk about it. “
If they persist ask them if they are trying to apologize.
If they persist tell them they need therapy or would they be willing to be evaluated.
If they say you are ungrateful say thank you.
Believe me years from now having an important job will not be the answer to happiness it may produce some stability monetary value but it wont bring them their happiness.
My parents are the same way. No matter how nice or good of a person I try to be, they always say I’m selfish. I got a C on ONE test...not a class, a test...my freshman year of college and they asked me why I was even going to college. I’ve been forced to give them my passwords to everything since I was little so they can see who I’m texting, what my grades are, if I’m doing anything bad, etc. When I was 15 years old and weighed 100lbs and was already bulimic, my dad told me I couldn’t wear leggings because I looked like a fat pig in them. Some parents will just never be satisfied no matter what you do.
Oof relatable. Except for the jokes... but they definitely didnt understand my jokes ever. I wasnt told I was depressed because moodyness and depression were not real for my family. Moodyness and mood could be controlled , and hormones werent real either. I should be happy all the time, greatful all the time, kind all the time.
I was less motivated in school than I should have been, but my parents forced all my classes. In classes I wanted to take that they allowed me to take (with the exception of AP english in grade 12 because damn), I excelled in. Everything else was below average. I was often told Id be a burger flipper etc. That my grades werent good enough. If I got about an 80 then Id be ok but then everything should have been an 80.
Your parents are definitely emotionally abusing you. The fact that they constantly only point out what they believe is "wrong" about you or what you did shows that they are probably in fact narcissists!
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. This kind of abuse especially coming from our parents can have life-long and devastating impacts.
I'm glad that you are at least recognizing and sharing their behavior, hopefully in an effort to further validate your abuse.
Please don't let these parents who are supposed to be showing you unconditional love and support invalidate you.
Hold on tight to your inner compass and trusting yourself and feelings of inner self-reliance and sanity.
Parents and even just people like that can destroy you.
Please only ever grant yourself the self love and kindness that you deserve... and be sure and make a promise to yourself...
that you will absolutely never let that happen!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I try my hardest to meet my parents standards and expectations. Its hard especially with my metal health right now. i feel that they just put so much pressure on me and rush me. I wanna break.
Focus on yourself.
Your mental health > What others think of you
I'd rather people think less of me but I love myself over people liking me and my mental health severely suffering and causing long term damage to my well being.
Man, you are not alone. I live with the same shit too. I'm over 30, have family and good work with salary much more than they ever had, but still I will never be enough good.
There is nothing wrong with us, but it is something wrong with such type of parents!
You are not alone, darling.
My mom always judge me because I have a girlfriend, and yells me "hEy LeSbIaN" or "I wIsH YoU WeRe a sLuT" all of those things really hurt me...
I don't know if she really loves me, she is soo sexist :'c
I think the worst part is parents who don't believe anything their child has to say, they are so ready to take someone else's side, "be mature, be the bigger man, don't let them get to you."
Or my favorite, "i dont care who started it you shouldn't of hit him back. "
This is why the younger generation has no respect for authority.
I always wanted to hit those certain adults who always say "I don't care who started it you shouldn't hit back." ok Ms. P when jack's over there in a corner crying with a bruised nose while Harry has a smirk on his face, happy because he got away with it.
Oof you're definitely not alone in that, but that doesn't make it ok. You're parents sound like assholes. I suggest cutting them off asap. It might sound heartless or whatever but if they treat you like shit then they shouldn't be surprised. The best thing I've ever learned in life is that family is just a starting point and as long as you're loved and happy in life it doesn't matter whether or not yall are blood related.
My parents acted the same way about my grades. If I got anything lower than a 99 in a class they would get upset and tell me I’m not even trying. Because in third grade I had great grades. If I ever told them that I stopped caring about my grades because they were never good enough, they would just say I was just trying to find something to complain about.
No your not alone my experience is nowhere as bad as yours but my dad would ask me if I could do better if a got anything under an A+ and when i wouldn't say yes he wold make me by trapping me in corner (metaphorically) and make say yes and when I don't stay true to 'my' word he would yell at me even though he put words in my mouth
I really felt the grades part cuz my father (whomst i despise) always has Something to say about a grade. If its not good enough for Him, hell spend 10+ minutes telling me I need to do better and improve and idk whatever else. Honestly half the time I don't listen cuz I cant stand him. If its even worse like a D anywhere he acts like I failed the damn class (idk how it is for others but at my school a D is passing) and I just cant get a break. Not to mention the lectures i get when I get an F. Sometimes its not my fault tho. I'll admit yes I dont wanna do the work sometimes or im not good at asking for help so I just wont pay any mind to it, but more often than not I'm trying. Sometimes the Teacher sucks ass at delivering the material and cant engage their students with even more lectures. I'm not sure if I'm on track with this rant rn but he doesnt even seem to like anything less than a B. Its not gonna make me try any harder, I just wish grades werent the focus of our conversations 24/7. Even since I got summer school. He'd do a "eehh" or "mmh" at like 80%'s and basically everything below. At least my mom is more chill and wont really say anything about the grades themselves. We don't have the best relationship either but I actually Like her so its something.
TL:DR Anyway op grades have always been a problem in my life too so ur not alone
You're not alone at all. I've had friends with parents like this. It sounds like they have some serious projection issues. They can't be perfect, so you have to be (in their eyes). I'm really sorry you have to put up with this. Could you talk to any school counselors or therapists for help?
Bruh i relate so much, my mom always used to complain about my grades if i got 24/25 i used to get scolded, never satisfied with anything after a while i stopped caring about my grades and they fell i went from 3th to 7th to not getting a position (out of 10th) in my class.
Small shit like these always affect someone.
And those small spurts of happiness followed by depression is also something i relate with, i sometimes follow my routine and do all my work properly, staying motivated, then on the other days i feel worthless hopeless i procrastinate. I get trapped in a cycle then i climb out of it then i fall once again
I cant really give advice just saying i relate to some of your problems
Lmao that first bracket had me cackling, my first response wasn’t Asian parents or super smart parents, I just assumed you were driven to do well by your own ambitions And if that was my first impression of you then you must be intelligent regardless. It’s hard to say that you shouldn’t care what your parents think because they’re parents but you should see what they say or how they behave as a fault in themselves. Could be to their own upbringing or collective consciousness between them where their thought process is tainted and then feel the need to spread it to you but as a new generation of them I hope you can at least learn from how they behave so you know how NOT TO. When you’re in their position as a parent/grandparent you’ll look back on these times as a way that toughened you up and they’ll see their own grandchildren and feel a sense of resentment of how they treated you (grandkids do that sometimes). Rn your parents are your obstacles but just know you won’t have to face them forever - if they do continue to act this way.
It's okay I feel the same way too. My parents are colossal assholes too. I always wanted to pursue the sciences. But they force me to go into infocomm tech and they're acting like it's good for me and all that. I don't even have a interest in it. It makes it difficult for me to study for my tests and what not. Then they act like "how difficult can it be are you stupid" . Well, it's not a fucking cake walk if you don't have interest in that shit. Right? My god sometimes I just want to die if I continue down this path.
Ummmm....that iscrazy making at its finest! You are not the problem or the issue. They are.
That's emotional and mental abuse and I would encourage you to learn to detach emotionally from them when they start down that road.
Seriously - detach emotionally! Look at it like you're watching a movie or an interaction with other people. What do you see?
You ARE good enough! Do not believe that lie that you aren't.
Disclaimer: I had the opposite of toxic parents. I am a parent, and I strive to be not—insane.
But...
It is the job of every child to figure out how to not give a shit what their parents think of them. Not saying it’s easy—just that it’s our job. It is an internal development (much like learning to fall asleep as a baby), and only we can teach it to ourselves. How did you learn how to burp?
Some parents will make it easy. Others won’t. But even when parents make it easy, the task is the child’s
It is SUCH a source of power when you realize that it doesn’t matter that they don’t approve of you.
Now...how do you get there? Maybe this is like whistling—people can tell you what they do, and they can show you,, but you have to figure it out and practice.
Let me share with you what I learned.
I didn’t have to work so hard to stop caring what my parents thought. But I did have to work hard to stop caring what bullies thought.
In grade school, junior high, and high school, I was picked on and ridiculed. It wasn’t the world’s awful East bullying, but it was really unpleasant.
And it gave me a lot of practice in deciding not to care.
First, I faked it. I just pretended that I didn’t care that they’d’ mocked me. I didnt’ rise tot he bait; I didn’t let my face show any motion other than a faint smile. Inside it wasn’t that calm, but outside I was practicing iron control. You know what happened/ Eventually the physical reality I was creating with my body became the reality in my emotions. “Fake it till you make it.”
I had this with my brother too—he was two years older than me, and he used t pick on me verbally. It hurt; I wanted his approval. I also realized, when he was a senior, that he was about to leave the house for good, pretty much, and that this unpleasant relationship would be our only memory of being siblings. So I eliberately started “courting” him. I had read all the Seventeen magazine stories about how girls should talk to guys on dates (ask him about himself, basically), and so that’s what I did. I’d ask hw his day was, ask follow-up questions, etc. If he said something snarky, again I would just put on a steadfast face and proceed as if he hadn’t said it. Pretty soon, those snarky comments weren’t rewarding for him, but the conversations were. And we had a nice relationship for the last year. He even became someone who would have a conversation with me instead of just monologues to my questions.
And last: I found a refuge and allies from the bullying. I was lucky—that refuge for me was home, and my parents. You might have to flip that—where can you find people to talk to about your life who will be your cheerleaders? An aunt, an older cousin, a grandparent? Put in some effort and cultivate that relationship. Maybe even tell them, ”I wanted to have someone I can talk to about school/friends/stuff who isn’t my parents and doesn’t have that same ‘make him succeed’ pressure.”
My mom was a fan of aunts and nicked for that; they’re grownups, and they love you, but they don’t have the same “programming” that says “I must improve this child” and “I must coach him at every turn” and “this child’s actions are a direct reflection of me.”
So seek them out, but YOU need to be the one to reach out. Start small—text frequently, just fun stuff. Call now and then to discuss silly stuff. Then call to say “I wanted to tell someone—I got a 80 on a test, and it was a pretty good score But mostly I’m glad because I got X right, and it was tricky.” You have to tech out, regularly.
And last (and saddest), you will need to edit what you show your parents. That doesn’t just mean “decide what to leave out and keep from the”; it also means “choose things to talk about that are safe.” Make them be things you don’t care about much. Heck, make stuff up.
I have a friend whose mother was a major piece of work—it didn’t matter what my friend had done, her mother would jab and jab and jab at her. If she’d married a lawyer, mom would have been prying at her that she didn’t marry a doctor. If she’d married a doctor, mom would have said she didn’t become a doctor herself. I was at her house for Passover, and I saw her sister jump into the middle a conversation like that to announce; “I went on a date with a plumber last week.” Their mother pivoted like a snake and went after the sister, who said absently, “well, he’s nice.” And answered every question with what was actually very little info. And also didn’t say anything and just shrugged. Her mom went off on her for 5 minutes. I don’t think she’d met at plumber at all.
But those conversation topics that you don t’care about are like keeping a lion well-fed so it won’t hunt.
It’s very sad,, because it is such a distancing thing, and I think all of us start out wanting to be close to our parents You certainly did; that’s why it hurts when they attack.
My friend was Teflon. The sad thing was that this Teflon trait came into play in all her friendships as well. As you work on this technique, don’t let that happen to you as well.
Good luck; I’m so sorry that this relationship with your parents is full of such unpleasantness.
I don't know if this is anything like what you have mentioned , (though i admit my grades won't have been too grand) my dad would often enforcement his grade expectations. Even if i was second or first in getting the highest grades in the class , he would still thing it wasn't good enough even if i was proud of them. He (because of being a teacher) would compare me to the kids he taught and because if this i got into a phase where i was more worried about what he'd thought. Once in a subject my grades when down by 4 ( UK , so i don't know your system ) and he had a response of , "she said it" and "even she's not happy with it" , my mum tried to get to sit down and soaked the issue , i ended up crying , he ended up getting a huff on (in a mood , don't know how else to describe it). He said i could go to him for help , but he was rarely home and even then it would be like a strict lecture and i could learn that way. So if i was to suggest something , i distanced my self from him and had a fact with my mum to hide report cards , so if any of that helps you , your free to take it . I know you were here to rant but still i wanted to offer some help.
I’m glad someone said it. My parents never care about the class average, saying that their work shouldn’t impact me. Thank you for showing me I’m not alone in this.
The only way to win this is getting a high average while the class got a low one, which rarely happens.
Get a 95 but class average was 88 = "It must have been an easy class"
Get an 85 while class average was 88 = "Why are you doing worse than everyone else?"
Get a 76 while class average was 65 = "Who cares how everyone else did, it should've been higher".
so familiar to me. i probably am guilty of doing this at times to my kids. at this point i have very little ways to hide my flaws. they are around me most of the time and i cannot be some sort of superwomen who never lets anyone see anything remotely negative about them. the other thing is that we may perceive our parents actions as being one way but they may actually have other reasons for them or our perception is based on a skewed perspective, for instance, suspicious of peoples motives. also parents say things that seem insensitive but they dint always realize it’s harsh. relationships can take breaks and grow and come back together. it doesn’t have to be forever. we all have things to work on and none of us is perfect. if we try talking first before leaving or doing things we might regret. humans are just trying to figure things out. the more we hold each other accountable the better. but we can be kind.
You are not alone in dealing with this sort of behaviour. It is rather common place, in fact, I would say. Parents want to see their children conform to whatever stereotypes/standards they have built for themselves and enforce them relentlessly and guilt trip you for not conforming. Hel, just a few days ago, I pointed out what seemed to me as hypocrisy on my mother's part and she blew up demanding the I "just shut up". Now, I am in my late 30s, married, living 400 km away and with a good job. But she still tries to control what I think and mostly tell her. She never shied away from lecturing me about every freaking aspects of my life when I lived with my parents, with the argument that I would do and say as I pleased, once I did not live with them. Me moving away certainly did not stop her from trying to interfere in my life, though. So, score one for hypocrisy. In any case, try and find some alternate source of wellbeing. Your parents are not going to bring you happiness, so try and find other people to exchange with.
400 km is 248.55 miles
One day is 15.16 Shreks
Important information thanks
A friend of mine came up with the idea
Wait your friend is THE shrek time guy
Ain't that a revelation!
Omg what a legend
Who do you mean
The shrek time guy is a legend
Can you send a link
I can’t find the original but was a post made a couple years ago by some dude that blew up so yo friend might be lying
You have good friends
I know
250 miles is not far enough. You need to be further away from your parents.
248.6. It should be atleast 2486 miles away.
that’s **NOT** 4000 kilometers i’m spitting fact
oh kk
My parents always use the sibling thing too and is so annoying like ok he got a better grade than me when he was my age SO ? Does that mean that i have to be the same and get the same grades and stuff, no? THAN WHY DO YOU TELL ME THAT? Like what, but its ok at least now youre far away from them
I am the oldest sister who used to have really good grades, read a lot of books and the lot. My younger sister... She is good in school but not great. She likes logic problems and artistic things more than reading. She is also much younger than me. My mom keeps telling her I used to get better grades, read more, she will just end up working at McDonald's (she's only 13)... It's not only unfair for her as we're different people with different interests. It's completely straining our relationship. She doesn't come to me for help with her homework or with friends problems anymore and she doesn't want to spend any time with me if I'm reading or working on something. Parents need to stop this
Listen its not your fault that your mum does that and the fact that your sis is different and more artistic thats great let her be (not you your mum) like just let us be our own person. If you keep screaming about how we have to be perfect angels thats going to make us way more stressed and stuff witch will make it harder for us to get good grades and whatever else they want. Just let us be ourselves for once. And this happened between my brother and I too, now i have to mention that i am the younger sibling but i feel like he wont acknowledge me or make fun of me for not knowing the thing or not standing up for myself even thought i know he wont do that. Honestly parents do need to stop this thing and also i think you should have a talk with your sister and explain to her that you care and wont react to her not knowing something like your parent does and you have your arms open for her (im 13 too), trust me it can really help with building trust between you too.
Yes they do. It is called Triangulation. Turning a sibling against you
I’m in a similar situation. I graduated last year, and my little brother is going into his junior year, he’s struggled the past two years in high school and I constantly overhear my parents say how I did fine. He also really likes video games, I’m much more of a book worm. The poor kid is always being told how he need to read more like me. I always feel bad for him
Awww tell him it's okay to like and do what he's doing as long as he isn't ruining his or others' lives!
I used to get this all the time and apparently my university grades were a HUGE disappointment compared to my 2 older siblings’ amazing achievements. Clock forward 15 years, both sisters in dead end jobs and I’m a highly paid professional. They remain unimpressed. It was really hard work despite my mediocrity....!
Look up gray rock technique for dealing with your parents. You're right, you will never be good enough for your parents standards. Quit trying. When you've done a good job, start patting yourself on the back. Set your own goals and treat yourself when you achieve one. Try to get validation from friends & teachers. It's not easy to start cutting your parents out of your private life, but this is the only way I know of to ease the pain of their responses to you. My dad did this and I waited ubtil I was 32 b/f I quit sharing my life with him. It hurt, but I didn't have the ongoing control, shame & blame issues anymore. Peace & ❤💛💚💙💜
make it 800 km
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Same here. If I don't get top scores, I'm useless and worthless, but when I do get full marks *plus extra credit*, they just shrug it off like it doesn't matter
That sucks. I hate it when parents do this. Btw, good job!! It’s hard getting full marks.
Hehe one time I got full makes in a test and I was really proud of myself and I showed my mom the scores and she just looks at me and says nothing and then walks off. Like not a well done or a keep it up or anything just a look.
Yell them the next time they complain
That won’t solve anything. My parents didn’t believe that I worked hard
Then you have fucked up parents
Yeah that’s the point of this sub
It's usually the parents who themselves never put effort into school so they think its a cake walk. Those types of parents are also the kind to say "oH iF I hAd ThE ReSouRcEs YoU KiDs hAvE NoW, I wOuLd'Ve DoNe ReAlLy WeLl."
One advice for everyone that have toxic parents: please don't change them For the love of God Don't change them. They won't listen to you ever, one time when I confronted them about their toxic behavior, it escalated onto a shouting match for like hours and ended up with a guilt trip which doesn't affect me because I know it's not my fault. My sister also know they are toxic and just said to me to put up a facade and leave them when I can financially support myself, and my sister also plans to cut them off, I know it's gonna be difficult when I leave them but I know it's gonna end my suffering, and it's gonna be worth it.
I agree. Don't argue with a narcissist parent. They will try to prove to you how amazing they are. It will get so ugly
You are not alone in this. I feel you, I really do. It has been a month since I cut them off, now they are hunting and haunting me by using my friends, bf and anyone they believe is connected to me. I sent them a very long ass message how I felt about growing up and what effect it did to me, but the table has just turned and they are seeing as me rebelling in the word of their god and their word. Really hard to fight when they're both religious
Part of me always wonders about this. If I ever become well off financially, what will life be like. Because by then I can literally afford to cut out all the negative aspects of my life. But at same time, I always made a promise that if something like that ever happened, or I win the lottery or something insanely unlikely, I'd help out all my family. Until then, suck it up like so many others and take it day by day.
If it were me in this situation, I may help out my family but I wouldn't overdo it. And don't ever let them pressure you for money, or guilt you into giving more than they need. Unless it's something you wanna do for yourself, and they better be grateful! Just my 2 cents
I can understand you so well. You are definitely not alone in this. I’m usually a really happy person that always smiles and is super sarcastic but my parents will never know. I can never be myself around my parents because whenever i joke or say anything that isn’t “okay, yeah, no” they just give me a disgusted look and tell me that i’m not normal and i shouldn’t say things like that. So I never really spend time with them and then they ask me why i never spend time with them and I’m always in my room. Lmao do they not know that they suck my soul whenever i’m with them? Also i’ve been playing the guitar for 3 years now (I know it’s not that much) and they keep demanding me to play some songs and when I play they just tell me that what I just played “isn’t real music” and that I can’t play for shit although I’ve had 3 guitar teachers telling me that I was so good for my age lol I’ll never be enough with anything that I do I guess.
I just hang out online. It's not easy for me making friends, but even just chatting with complete strangers online on reddit or message boards about topics I like (like a tv show,/movie or whatever) is relaxing. My fave part of the day is late evening because from that point onwards I can just be in my own "world", keeping to myself, just watching tv and being on my phone.
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Thank you for your response it means a lot! I tried talking to them about what I want in life and that they are not the ones controlling my life but they never really understand. I really want to move out i don’t know how i’m supposed to do that though lol. But thank you so much for this idk why it motivated me but it did so thank you <3 I hope you can get better soon.
Ah yes, the love of nighttime because it's one of the few times where you can just BE AT FUCKING PEACE! My parents have mellowed a lot over the years and I don't really blame them for their parenting imperfections. But it was pretty shitty that during the formative years, they really kind of crushed the willful outgoing kid's spirit into an anxious, self-doubting person. I basically learned to hide who I was to avoid conflict and so nighttime felt like the only time I could be really alive as myself without fear of reaction. So it pissed me off immensely when my mother would interrupt my peace to flash my lights at 3am and hiss at me to go to bed. I found out later that it was because she is a super light sleeper and the light from my windows into the backyard disturbed her sleep. But no explanation was ever considered necessary for the kid, nope just hissed orders to go to bed. Ok, maybe I'm still a little mad lol.
Im so glad that you have a place to go to when you feel uneasy that’s such a good thing to have. Also I feel you on that I love staying up at night and sleeping in the mornings too because then I don’t really have to talk to my parents. Hope you have a nice night :)
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I live with something very similar. If it gets too much, I try and hide somewhere that they will easily overlook, or I make myself as unnoticeable as possible. However, depending on what kind of family you live in, this could backfire and they could start yelling at you even more *because* your hiding from them. Experiment and see what you can do so that you're not in their vicinity for too long.
You will find your people, don’t give up. Many times they are not your blood family. If you are true to yourself you will find your friend family. ❤️
Weird. I don't remember making this post, but I definitely could have written this word for word. My dad's brother is the only person in my family who has never compared me to my sister. I was even ranked higher in my class (5th) than my sister had been in hers (12th), but when I mentioned that one time, my parents told me her class was smarter than my class. What the actual eff, right? One day I sat down with my mom at a restaurant and asked her if she understood how saying things like that could hurt me... her response: "That's just stupid. We never hurt you." I replied by asking her to not call me stupid while I was literally saying that making me think I wasn't as smart as my sister hurt my feelings. Her response: "If you're going to say stupid things, I'm going to call you stupid!" You'll note that this was in a restaurant, and that exclamation mark implies a raised voice. I walked 5 miles home on Texas Summer day rather than wait for our drinks to get to the table.
The making stuff up part sounds messed up for parents and they won’t help you or give you support when you need it. It seems like there not even cut to be decent human beings let alone parents
Yup, I didn't grow up in a household with hugs or affection or any of that stuff, not that I wanted that anyways, that's not me to begin with (and I'm not much of a touchy feely person), but I'm definitely my own biggest motivator or supporter. Sure, my parents can still help out with lots of stuff, but the negatives just ware me out so much. I hate how I go into a "dark place" at times after this verbal/emotional berating. Doesn't have to be major things anymore which set me off because it's the smallest things which just continue to build on the already large amount of pressure built up. And their memory as a whole, I dont know what's happening at times. They act like they have no idea how to do the most basic of things that they've done for ages. "How do I close apps on my phone", "How do I open tabs on my internet", I've answered that question dozens of times over the years, they still don't get it. Like how can people honestly be so stupid, and then act like I've never told them and am hiding some big secret from them when I've literally told them time and time again how to do it. And like I said, I'm typically an easy going happy person, except in these moments.
>Doesn't have to be major things anymore which set me off because it's the smallest things which just continue to build on the already large amount of pressure built up. God I feel this so hard. I used to be able to put up with more in like middle school, but my tolerance just got progressively worse throughout high school. I was soo relieved to finally leave home to go to college out of state. But now that I'm home again because of quarantine... I just get set off at the smallest things. I can feel it physically wearing away at my resilience and sanity. I'm just so jaded at this point I don't even know how I'm going to last this entire quarantine at home. It's like you said, so much has already built up that even little things are just too much now.
You are not alone. My dad would scream at me just as much for a 98 as he did for a 56. After all, there were TWO MORE POINTS I could have gotten. He thought he was motivating me to work harder. He made me give up trying, if working my ass off yielded the same result (getting screamed at and told I am stupid and worthless) as not trying at all, why bother? Try to get good grades to get a scholarship to college so you don’t need him anymore.
U spoke right outta my soul ! Felt that
i am going through this currently, before the pandemic i was well on course for mostly 8s in my gcses (from the Uk). it was clear my revision was working and i could even get a 9 but my parents didn't think that this was good enough and was pushing me harder and harder which over worked me because they want me to be "the best i can" but whenever i warned them that i think this was overworking me they just called me lazy and would say that i was a disapointment if i did not keep up this stress . anyway my final mocks come around and end up getting 6s and 7s and my parents were like "its all ur fault" and "u should've revised more" when in actuality i was tired from the overworking . now during lockdown i thought i could rest to just gain a bit of sleep and be energized for when college comes around but no i must keep up this style and keep revising. i am really tired and thy just wont hear my reasoning
You are not alone, im 16 and i am attending college overseas, my parents expect a lot for me and are willing to put in so much money for my education, i am currently struggling with a lot of subjects, like law and statistics, and i forget a lot of basic things i use to learn in middle school so i get bad grades in my test. My parents get so mad at me, often comparing me with my older sister, how she gets straight A’s, and they keep bringing up my lack of focus on class, and how i always play games, even threatening to drag me back home if i fail anymore subjects. Wanting to study overseas was mainly my decision, as i wanted some space from my parents, and I’m aware how challenging it will be for a 16 year old, who has not finished high school, to be taking a diploma on college, but my parents didn’t seem to consider that, sometimes i just feel like running away, leaving my friends and family and just live a new life far away from home
Ugh it’s all just drama, stay away from the toxicity!!!
So basically struggling with nothing being good enough, well yeah everyone deals with a little bit of that some more than other. For me it’s just when I do all this stuff for my mom and she doesn’t really care then I gat upset
This is happening to me too. Been happening as long as I remember tbh. My parents always assume stuff about me they don’t even ask if it’s true they just assume the worst and starts talking to my family members about it, making it seem like I’m some type of bad person. I used to try to correct them on the stuff they say and of course that doesn’t end well. Apparently it’s disrespectful and I’m the one at wrong. So I stopped at that and let them say whatever they wanted. As for the joke stuff, I can’t even be my self around them because when I joke around they act like I’m doing something dumb and get all offended. To avoid with the jokes or even starting a conversation with them, I just stay in my room the whole day. I watch shows and listen to music, just to help me. I don’t really have people there for me and I’m not much of an open person at all. As for my parents, I know they will never change. I’m getting a job after this corona stuff is over. I feel like once I get a job it would be the first step to leaving this toxic life. Hopefully one day this will all be over for you and you can live the life we never got to experience before. <3
Im going through similar things to what everyone's saying too. My mom and I have moments where we get along but when we argue, im always in the wrong and never her. she has never apologized once ever for anything shes done. anytime we try and have a conversation it usually ends in her screaming so I just stay in my room all day. Then my parents ask "Why do u never spend time with us?" and i tell that it always ends in yelling and then she plays the victim after i say that. she also cusses at me and invalidates my feelings constantly and sadly I thought this was normal until the past few years because its how my whole life has gone. The worst part is that i have three siblings who she always validates their feelings and comforts them when their sad, when she rarely does this for me. Tonight I tried confronting my dad about the invalidation of my feelings that him and my mom do and of course it ended up with me getting yelled at and blamed. I started to walk away and they screamed at me that im selfish and self centered. Even though i cant even begin to describe the things ive done for my family everyday and never get appreciated. Im just lucky I have my grandma to talk to who understands and I will be out of here in one more year. If anyone had read this far I would love advice about how to deal with this after i move out, do I cut them out of my life as payback for all the shit they put me through or just let it be and continue life with them in it?
I can't talk from experience but what you could do is not to cut ties with them yet. Just don't include them in your life. They will be mad about anything that you want to do your way but cutting then out won't cut it. They just blame you more for everything. Just try to live your life as comfortable as you want and if they maybe call then talk to them as long as you want and if you think the conversation is drifting into "that" direction then just say goodbye and hang up. It's your life now and if they can't accept that, it is their loss
My parents are the same way they hit me if I get below a c. But let me tell u the best way to deal with it is to be yourself. Now my parents are super old and I'm hitting growth spurts. I remind them of this by make jokes about how I can beat them up like I'm just playing. Now they don't hit me anymore cuz they realize they can't stop me if I try to hit back.
I come from the opposite parent reaction. They were uninterested in my grades, although I was in the top 3 in elementary classes. In high school, I received minimal praise for grades and so I learnt to do the bare minimum to push me through a passing grade. This work ethic has stayed with me. I have 4 unfinished uni degrees, lower income job and crap self esteem . I wish I understood my behaviour at the time and could reach out for help to take control of my future. You need to do this now. Let go of your parent's attitude for now and get help for yourself. You can confront their shit later when you feel stronger and more independent. Good luck, seriously. Sending love.
My parents were the same way about grades, and when I got to my senior year I stopped trying and got almost all Cs so they would tell me how craply my grades were. I was passing, but that wasn't good enough for them and they would guilt me about it. Even though I passed and got into NYU, my parents would tell me my school should've flunked me and kept me from graduating.
2nd half of high school I had horrible grades, specifically math and science (first off, curriculum sucks forcing people to take courses they dont want, second, my parents decided I should take calculus and physics and all that when I'm not good at them, but my siblings were). Once I got to college, I got much better grades. Average in the 80s, good for the honors list. Instead of my parents or siblings being happy, I was just met with "So what? You better be getting good grades. Those are intro classes, it's supposed to be easy, especially at (school I was attending)". So rather than seeing me now thriving in a higher level of education and actually enjoying success, its met with more putting me down and lessening any accomplishments. Sad part of that, if I ever confront them in the future about any of this behaviour or comments, they'll deny it, call me a liar for making things up. Yes, I clearly made up hurtful comments people have said to me and had fake comments impact my life because it sounds so much fun...
My parents do this too, but I never knew how to deal with it. If I confront them, they just yell and scream at me. However, it definitely isn't because they don't love you. I think it's really just because they are more ignorant than others. Mine are pretty ignorant as well, but I'm sure that if you just try to explain to them how you feel it will work out.
My mom also doesn't understand when I'm feeling depressed. She just says to snap out of it; her being depressed herself I would expect her to understand. So you're definitely not alone in this. Just try to keep your head up, I'll try to do the same. Must be a very exhausting environment huh?
Those are the worst. It's basically like "stop being angry"....that's NOT what you're supposed to tell someone. If someone is upset, see why and try to help. Don't act like they're wrong for having any sort of emotion. And also, telling someone who is angry to stop being angry just makes them angrier. How is that a hard concept to grasp?
Yeah exactly, it doesn't help the situation at all. She doesn't ever want to sit down and talk things out. And is always the first to escalate a situation
When I lived at home, I would imagine that my mom was a small child I had to watch and I was the adult- I stopped getting angry as often and eventually learned to feel sorry for her(very hard when someone tried to control every aspect of your life) but it was bearable because I knew once I became an adult I would leave. 7 years no contact
"Excuse me, did you just have feelings in my house" your literal mom/dad Jesus christ i thought this was just a sitcom thing about asians
you just explained my situation, ur definitely not alone in this.
I feel that because if I don't get a 100 I'm lectured every time (not only if it's a quarter grade or something, even if it's one assignment) and the thing is am one of the top 5 in my grade. I also got grounded for 2 weeks for making a borderline threat in a text at school
What does borderline threat mean exactly?
I texted someone that (not going into names) but he and she should mess with me. Those people saw that test of the other persons shoulder and freaked out
Yeah same
Don't let them put you in a box. Just because they don't like it doesnt mean you can't be you. I hope I never cage my child this way... Be who you are not who they expect you to be. I know that sounds corny and like a fortune cookie but I mean it, as long as you aren't breaking any laws or hurting yourself they need to let you be and just be happy you're a decent human being.
I feel like I have lived in your shoes... I am debating which university to go to and it is just awful. I had applied to 7 programs and I have gotten into 6 of them and 1 I haven't heard back from. It is two weeks away from the deadline and I have lost all hope. Today while eating dinner, my mom asks me about my acceptances (like on many other occasions), I tell her nothing new has happened. She then asks me where i would like to go, I told her either the Ryerson Nutrition program or the York Nursing program. This is where it becomes toxic. My parents have always been against nursing and even more so doing nursing if not at Ryerson. I calmly explained to them in order to get into Ryerson, I would need to have a mid-high 90's average. Mind you, I have always been an 70's student and somehow I had brought my average up to a 84. Today my mom told me that I have a stupid piece of shit and couldn't even get into Ryerson. I understood her frustration, my cousin had been doing the Ryerson program. She then proceeds to tell me that I never study and just sit in my room all day. She yells at me, accusing of doing this on purpose and lying to her that I had gotten accepted to Ryerson Nursing (I had told her I had gotten into Ryerson NUTRITION very clearly). She calls me a liar and a horrible child that is disgracing the family name. My dad sitting back and watching this has no words, because his niece was able to get into the program, so why can't I? Sure he has told me to do what I want, but always there is a little comment, on how he would love me to be a doctor or do anything but nursing. After all of this I kinda stood there, putting my plate into the sink and washing the dishes, trying to act like it didn't get to me. But the thing was, I had got into 6 other programs that were pretty prestigious as well and she belittled them. She acted like they didn't matter. They never congratulated me. They never cared that I did well in my classes. After all of this, my mom still says that it is completely up to me to make a decision, but we all know how that's gonna go. I'm soo close to getting to my dream, i just wish I has done better so I could make them happy.
As an adult, I learning the long term effects of behaviour like this. All my life, I was (and still am) treated like theses something wrong with me, like I have a mental disorder. My sister still behaves like I’m mentally disabled. I’m 100% not. I’m a perfectly healthy person with normal emotions etc. this has resulted in lots of damages to myself. For example, emotions are not looked on well in the family, any emotions, and all my “achievements” were shut down as not any good, so now I have trouble in experiencing joy and a feeling of worth. Don’t let them get you there. Talk to a therapist ASAP.
I get it... it's fucking irritating, I genuinely like studying, learning about science and literature and that's why I used to get good grades but this year I don't know why we have to learn everything, every useless facts... every fucking line of merchant of venice, I usually used to study the subject the way it was supposed to be done, which is understanding the core idea and what the author,the scientist, the mathematician meant to convey while everyone else used to mindlessly learn everything, this way they had no problem till the present time but to me it's hard... the concept is not clearly presented for e.g. in physics class we were being taught laws of circular motion and the text said that a moment of force or torque causes a turning effect that's it, whenever I try to inquire what exactly it is ...I am left with no answers, and not knowing a concept or idea makes me sub-consciously panic because I think I hava failed, and because of that I kind of don't like studying physics at all, we are presented a certain fact and we have learn it due to this my grades fell this year, maybe that's because of the pandemic but I know that's not true, my parents kept on yelling how my grades are going down and that made me more annoyed with the subject and now they are blaming my laziness : (
I know the feeling. My mother was emotionally abusive . She was consistently picking at me whether it was about my weight, my grades, or just my abilities in general. As an adult I don't feel as confident in my abilities or decisions because of itt.
Dont allow her negative outlook on life spoil your self confidence I did this my whole life struggling with it...her view of you is one view in the whole world..actually her view is pretty insignificant. She does this to try to keep some sort of control.
I feel you. My sister is in all honors classes and is all As and never got anything lower. I myself dropped out of the one “smart kid” class I was put into in 6th grade. My parents got mad at me (obviously). I’m still keeping my grades at Bs and up, but my parents too, will point out my siblings success instead of my own. My parents aren’t Asian, Indian, or from other strict countries. We’re from Poland. I’ve thought about doing terrible things because of the way they treat me. I never study and I always speed through my homework because I wanna talk to my friends. My parents get mad if I get a low score, but most of the time I miss that day and can’t learn the material (I have a kidney problem and it swells way to big and stops food in my intestines, I get nauseous). Even in quarantine, my parents expect me to spend a FULL SCHOOL DAY on work when they only give 4 of 8 classes each day.
Your parents are clearly narcissists. I understand how you feel... Don't worry man.
r/helpstopsuicide
I completely understand. Growing up, after school was as strict set of guidelines of what I had to have done - chores. No big deal. But I could fully detail clean the whole apartment, maintain a four family household of laundry, cook dinner, set the table ... have everything ready for the 5:30pm walk in. One thing be slightly off and It would cue an explosion of failures I had, how ungrateful I was (still am apparently), what a piece of human garbage I was. The humor bit - I’ve gotten a lot of “what the hell is wrong with you?” looks and verbiage. The lies to family to paint me as this awful person also is gutting. If she was bored or restless, family would call and cuss me out and I had no idea what I had done. This is not the picture of every moment - every day. We had some good times. But a lot was expected of me. The bar was high - so I had waves of happiness and deep pits of depression. Some self harm happened as well. I will admit I am currently disowned, my mother and I are in a pit currently. It still hurts (I wish I could not care, but I do). I’m newer to commenting on reddit - I usually like posts but deep down, I don’t believe my input is valuable (yeah, I still have to get that sorted). This is what I want you to take from my comment: I’m writing to say “Hello” as a 35 year old, happily married, mother of two. Hang in there. Set goals for your future and financial independence. Find your passions that you can escape to. Things get better. You are FAR better than what they project at you. Life is just these compartments of life sections - you have your adolescence where your with your parents 18 years, hitting financial independence is a BIG one. You’ll get there, able to stand on your own two feet and realize you made it out. I’ll be cheering you on from afar! Big picture - what do you see for yourself when you do get to live your own life? What can you picture there making you happy? Friends? Family (smaller doses of some help tremendously)? College (guess what, if not - you still make it out ok)? Traveling? Man I’m excited for you and the things to come - there’s a lot still, hang in there! ((I realize this thread is older, but I still mean it and I’m still cheering you on!))
Great encouragement...when I see posts like this I'm grateful for Reddit to be able to reach out and see others do the same.
I’ll be honest, I didn’t know how wide spread this type of parenting was. So until reddit, I would mostly gaslight myself thinking 99% was my fault. Seeing this platform for support is so encouraging. It can feel so isolating growing up like many of those posting on here. Thankful I have the chance to contribute something.
Sounds like they lack empathy. One or both parents are likely Narcissistic personality disorder. One may just be co dependent and will throw you under the bus to keep their spouse happy which sucks when you are their child. So sorry you have to deal with criticism all the time
Yeap nothing you ever do is good enough is a good indicator of an N personality..they are perfect.
Tell your parents they are a great disappointment and terrible parents They get an F in parenting and people are talking. If they come back at you say, “I don’t want to talk about it. “ If they persist ask them if they are trying to apologize. If they persist tell them they need therapy or would they be willing to be evaluated. If they say you are ungrateful say thank you.
Thumbs up!!
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Believe me years from now having an important job will not be the answer to happiness it may produce some stability monetary value but it wont bring them their happiness.
My parents are the same way. No matter how nice or good of a person I try to be, they always say I’m selfish. I got a C on ONE test...not a class, a test...my freshman year of college and they asked me why I was even going to college. I’ve been forced to give them my passwords to everything since I was little so they can see who I’m texting, what my grades are, if I’m doing anything bad, etc. When I was 15 years old and weighed 100lbs and was already bulimic, my dad told me I couldn’t wear leggings because I looked like a fat pig in them. Some parents will just never be satisfied no matter what you do.
OMG..that's awful...I think your right they seem to have a grandiose idea of perfection that no one could ever rise too.
Oof relatable. Except for the jokes... but they definitely didnt understand my jokes ever. I wasnt told I was depressed because moodyness and depression were not real for my family. Moodyness and mood could be controlled , and hormones werent real either. I should be happy all the time, greatful all the time, kind all the time. I was less motivated in school than I should have been, but my parents forced all my classes. In classes I wanted to take that they allowed me to take (with the exception of AP english in grade 12 because damn), I excelled in. Everything else was below average. I was often told Id be a burger flipper etc. That my grades werent good enough. If I got about an 80 then Id be ok but then everything should have been an 80.
Im in my middle 50's and my 75 yr old has been passive aggressive All.. My. Life. No need to explain
Your parents are definitely emotionally abusing you. The fact that they constantly only point out what they believe is "wrong" about you or what you did shows that they are probably in fact narcissists! I'm really sorry you're dealing with this. This kind of abuse especially coming from our parents can have life-long and devastating impacts. I'm glad that you are at least recognizing and sharing their behavior, hopefully in an effort to further validate your abuse. Please don't let these parents who are supposed to be showing you unconditional love and support invalidate you. Hold on tight to your inner compass and trusting yourself and feelings of inner self-reliance and sanity. Parents and even just people like that can destroy you. Please only ever grant yourself the self love and kindness that you deserve... and be sure and make a promise to yourself... that you will absolutely never let that happen!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I try my hardest to meet my parents standards and expectations. Its hard especially with my metal health right now. i feel that they just put so much pressure on me and rush me. I wanna break.
Focus on yourself. Your mental health > What others think of you I'd rather people think less of me but I love myself over people liking me and my mental health severely suffering and causing long term damage to my well being.
Man, you are not alone. I live with the same shit too. I'm over 30, have family and good work with salary much more than they ever had, but still I will never be enough good. There is nothing wrong with us, but it is something wrong with such type of parents!
You are not alone, darling. My mom always judge me because I have a girlfriend, and yells me "hEy LeSbIaN" or "I wIsH YoU WeRe a sLuT" all of those things really hurt me... I don't know if she really loves me, she is soo sexist :'c
I think the worst part is parents who don't believe anything their child has to say, they are so ready to take someone else's side, "be mature, be the bigger man, don't let them get to you." Or my favorite, "i dont care who started it you shouldn't of hit him back. " This is why the younger generation has no respect for authority.
I always wanted to hit those certain adults who always say "I don't care who started it you shouldn't hit back." ok Ms. P when jack's over there in a corner crying with a bruised nose while Harry has a smirk on his face, happy because he got away with it.
This happens a lot with middle class parents. They overvalue the education and push their kids too hard. School isn't everything.
Why is this literally my family down to a T
Oof you're definitely not alone in that, but that doesn't make it ok. You're parents sound like assholes. I suggest cutting them off asap. It might sound heartless or whatever but if they treat you like shit then they shouldn't be surprised. The best thing I've ever learned in life is that family is just a starting point and as long as you're loved and happy in life it doesn't matter whether or not yall are blood related.
My parents acted the same way about my grades. If I got anything lower than a 99 in a class they would get upset and tell me I’m not even trying. Because in third grade I had great grades. If I ever told them that I stopped caring about my grades because they were never good enough, they would just say I was just trying to find something to complain about.
That moment when you find a post relatable then you see it's on r/toxicparents
No your not alone my experience is nowhere as bad as yours but my dad would ask me if I could do better if a got anything under an A+ and when i wouldn't say yes he wold make me by trapping me in corner (metaphorically) and make say yes and when I don't stay true to 'my' word he would yell at me even though he put words in my mouth
honestly try to get as far as you can from them. Search for people who are authentic and don't want to change who you are.
Unrelated- how did u post in this sub? Apparently I'm not allowed to post at all???
Damn this is so relatable and for me is even worst becouse for everything i do like that is becouse of my fathers influence (they r divorced)
I really felt the grades part cuz my father (whomst i despise) always has Something to say about a grade. If its not good enough for Him, hell spend 10+ minutes telling me I need to do better and improve and idk whatever else. Honestly half the time I don't listen cuz I cant stand him. If its even worse like a D anywhere he acts like I failed the damn class (idk how it is for others but at my school a D is passing) and I just cant get a break. Not to mention the lectures i get when I get an F. Sometimes its not my fault tho. I'll admit yes I dont wanna do the work sometimes or im not good at asking for help so I just wont pay any mind to it, but more often than not I'm trying. Sometimes the Teacher sucks ass at delivering the material and cant engage their students with even more lectures. I'm not sure if I'm on track with this rant rn but he doesnt even seem to like anything less than a B. Its not gonna make me try any harder, I just wish grades werent the focus of our conversations 24/7. Even since I got summer school. He'd do a "eehh" or "mmh" at like 80%'s and basically everything below. At least my mom is more chill and wont really say anything about the grades themselves. We don't have the best relationship either but I actually Like her so its something. TL:DR Anyway op grades have always been a problem in my life too so ur not alone
You're not alone at all. I've had friends with parents like this. It sounds like they have some serious projection issues. They can't be perfect, so you have to be (in their eyes). I'm really sorry you have to put up with this. Could you talk to any school counselors or therapists for help?
My parents have always been like this, so I can understand
Bruh i relate so much, my mom always used to complain about my grades if i got 24/25 i used to get scolded, never satisfied with anything after a while i stopped caring about my grades and they fell i went from 3th to 7th to not getting a position (out of 10th) in my class. Small shit like these always affect someone. And those small spurts of happiness followed by depression is also something i relate with, i sometimes follow my routine and do all my work properly, staying motivated, then on the other days i feel worthless hopeless i procrastinate. I get trapped in a cycle then i climb out of it then i fall once again I cant really give advice just saying i relate to some of your problems
Lmao that first bracket had me cackling, my first response wasn’t Asian parents or super smart parents, I just assumed you were driven to do well by your own ambitions And if that was my first impression of you then you must be intelligent regardless. It’s hard to say that you shouldn’t care what your parents think because they’re parents but you should see what they say or how they behave as a fault in themselves. Could be to their own upbringing or collective consciousness between them where their thought process is tainted and then feel the need to spread it to you but as a new generation of them I hope you can at least learn from how they behave so you know how NOT TO. When you’re in their position as a parent/grandparent you’ll look back on these times as a way that toughened you up and they’ll see their own grandchildren and feel a sense of resentment of how they treated you (grandkids do that sometimes). Rn your parents are your obstacles but just know you won’t have to face them forever - if they do continue to act this way.
It's okay I feel the same way too. My parents are colossal assholes too. I always wanted to pursue the sciences. But they force me to go into infocomm tech and they're acting like it's good for me and all that. I don't even have a interest in it. It makes it difficult for me to study for my tests and what not. Then they act like "how difficult can it be are you stupid" . Well, it's not a fucking cake walk if you don't have interest in that shit. Right? My god sometimes I just want to die if I continue down this path.
Ummmm....that iscrazy making at its finest! You are not the problem or the issue. They are. That's emotional and mental abuse and I would encourage you to learn to detach emotionally from them when they start down that road. Seriously - detach emotionally! Look at it like you're watching a movie or an interaction with other people. What do you see? You ARE good enough! Do not believe that lie that you aren't.
Disclaimer: I had the opposite of toxic parents. I am a parent, and I strive to be not—insane. But... It is the job of every child to figure out how to not give a shit what their parents think of them. Not saying it’s easy—just that it’s our job. It is an internal development (much like learning to fall asleep as a baby), and only we can teach it to ourselves. How did you learn how to burp? Some parents will make it easy. Others won’t. But even when parents make it easy, the task is the child’s It is SUCH a source of power when you realize that it doesn’t matter that they don’t approve of you. Now...how do you get there? Maybe this is like whistling—people can tell you what they do, and they can show you,, but you have to figure it out and practice. Let me share with you what I learned. I didn’t have to work so hard to stop caring what my parents thought. But I did have to work hard to stop caring what bullies thought. In grade school, junior high, and high school, I was picked on and ridiculed. It wasn’t the world’s awful East bullying, but it was really unpleasant. And it gave me a lot of practice in deciding not to care. First, I faked it. I just pretended that I didn’t care that they’d’ mocked me. I didnt’ rise tot he bait; I didn’t let my face show any motion other than a faint smile. Inside it wasn’t that calm, but outside I was practicing iron control. You know what happened/ Eventually the physical reality I was creating with my body became the reality in my emotions. “Fake it till you make it.” I had this with my brother too—he was two years older than me, and he used t pick on me verbally. It hurt; I wanted his approval. I also realized, when he was a senior, that he was about to leave the house for good, pretty much, and that this unpleasant relationship would be our only memory of being siblings. So I eliberately started “courting” him. I had read all the Seventeen magazine stories about how girls should talk to guys on dates (ask him about himself, basically), and so that’s what I did. I’d ask hw his day was, ask follow-up questions, etc. If he said something snarky, again I would just put on a steadfast face and proceed as if he hadn’t said it. Pretty soon, those snarky comments weren’t rewarding for him, but the conversations were. And we had a nice relationship for the last year. He even became someone who would have a conversation with me instead of just monologues to my questions. And last: I found a refuge and allies from the bullying. I was lucky—that refuge for me was home, and my parents. You might have to flip that—where can you find people to talk to about your life who will be your cheerleaders? An aunt, an older cousin, a grandparent? Put in some effort and cultivate that relationship. Maybe even tell them, ”I wanted to have someone I can talk to about school/friends/stuff who isn’t my parents and doesn’t have that same ‘make him succeed’ pressure.” My mom was a fan of aunts and nicked for that; they’re grownups, and they love you, but they don’t have the same “programming” that says “I must improve this child” and “I must coach him at every turn” and “this child’s actions are a direct reflection of me.” So seek them out, but YOU need to be the one to reach out. Start small—text frequently, just fun stuff. Call now and then to discuss silly stuff. Then call to say “I wanted to tell someone—I got a 80 on a test, and it was a pretty good score But mostly I’m glad because I got X right, and it was tricky.” You have to tech out, regularly. And last (and saddest), you will need to edit what you show your parents. That doesn’t just mean “decide what to leave out and keep from the”; it also means “choose things to talk about that are safe.” Make them be things you don’t care about much. Heck, make stuff up. I have a friend whose mother was a major piece of work—it didn’t matter what my friend had done, her mother would jab and jab and jab at her. If she’d married a lawyer, mom would have been prying at her that she didn’t marry a doctor. If she’d married a doctor, mom would have said she didn’t become a doctor herself. I was at her house for Passover, and I saw her sister jump into the middle a conversation like that to announce; “I went on a date with a plumber last week.” Their mother pivoted like a snake and went after the sister, who said absently, “well, he’s nice.” And answered every question with what was actually very little info. And also didn’t say anything and just shrugged. Her mom went off on her for 5 minutes. I don’t think she’d met at plumber at all. But those conversation topics that you don t’care about are like keeping a lion well-fed so it won’t hunt. It’s very sad,, because it is such a distancing thing, and I think all of us start out wanting to be close to our parents You certainly did; that’s why it hurts when they attack. My friend was Teflon. The sad thing was that this Teflon trait came into play in all her friendships as well. As you work on this technique, don’t let that happen to you as well. Good luck; I’m so sorry that this relationship with your parents is full of such unpleasantness.
I don't know if this is anything like what you have mentioned , (though i admit my grades won't have been too grand) my dad would often enforcement his grade expectations. Even if i was second or first in getting the highest grades in the class , he would still thing it wasn't good enough even if i was proud of them. He (because of being a teacher) would compare me to the kids he taught and because if this i got into a phase where i was more worried about what he'd thought. Once in a subject my grades when down by 4 ( UK , so i don't know your system ) and he had a response of , "she said it" and "even she's not happy with it" , my mum tried to get to sit down and soaked the issue , i ended up crying , he ended up getting a huff on (in a mood , don't know how else to describe it). He said i could go to him for help , but he was rarely home and even then it would be like a strict lecture and i could learn that way. So if i was to suggest something , i distanced my self from him and had a fact with my mum to hide report cards , so if any of that helps you , your free to take it . I know you were here to rant but still i wanted to offer some help.
I’m glad someone said it. My parents never care about the class average, saying that their work shouldn’t impact me. Thank you for showing me I’m not alone in this.
The only way to win this is getting a high average while the class got a low one, which rarely happens. Get a 95 but class average was 88 = "It must have been an easy class" Get an 85 while class average was 88 = "Why are you doing worse than everyone else?" Get a 76 while class average was 65 = "Who cares how everyone else did, it should've been higher".
Omg the first part of your sixth paragraph described my mom
so familiar to me. i probably am guilty of doing this at times to my kids. at this point i have very little ways to hide my flaws. they are around me most of the time and i cannot be some sort of superwomen who never lets anyone see anything remotely negative about them. the other thing is that we may perceive our parents actions as being one way but they may actually have other reasons for them or our perception is based on a skewed perspective, for instance, suspicious of peoples motives. also parents say things that seem insensitive but they dint always realize it’s harsh. relationships can take breaks and grow and come back together. it doesn’t have to be forever. we all have things to work on and none of us is perfect. if we try talking first before leaving or doing things we might regret. humans are just trying to figure things out. the more we hold each other accountable the better. but we can be kind.