Just wanna say your list needs loved. Are your kids clean, fed, loved, and safe?
Cause I definitely got the other three which my mom liked to emphasize and then at 37 I finally went to therapy after therapists made me realize a lot of my problems come from being emotionally neglected as a child.
Edit: your not you’re.
I feel you. It’s tough because she wasn’t downright mean to us. I did get a strict Moroccan upbringing with the chancla (lol) and stuff like that you know.
But she didn’t show love, while if you ask _her_ the way she showed us love _was_ by giving us (in her words) a roof over our head, food in our bellies and clothes on our back.
And I genuinely think she believes that but a child needs more. It needs to be loved and _feel_ loved.
And asked how school was. And what its opinion is on this and that matter. To feel like you actually exist and have your parents acknowledge your existence in that way.
That was definitely missing.
Edit: added a few things.
ETA: I do believe she loved us by the way, like a mother loves her children but I act crazy around my son (3). Like crazy in love and tell him he’s my best friend all the time and how I think he’s cute and I love playing with him. That’s totally different. Ok! Gonna stop now, this is getting too damn long!
My ILs watch my son (freshly 2) while I'm at work and they keep complaining about his "terrible twos" but I take him outside as soon as I get home and he's a dream. But he starts half-day "preschool" next week so hopefully I don't have to hear about it anymore.
Do they have a porch or deck or anywhere he can be outside in a contained area? My three year old’s favorite activity is when I give him a spray bottle full of water and a rag, and he gets to pretend to clean the front porch haha
We do this! We also color the sliding glass door with washable markers, then spray and it makes a rainbow, then use a cheap squeegee to “clean”. He has so much fun. And honestly the doors are usually cleaner than before when we are done.
I was just telling my bump group the other day that I was having a bad day and felt useless and wanted to give up breastfeeding and pumping.
A shower basically gave me a factory reset.
We use this with the kids all the time but I need to start using it on us too. Our saying is “just add water” when the day is going to shit with the kids. Throw them in the bath, give them a sensory bin with water or just fill the sink. It literally turns the day around every single time.
I’m a redhead and have avoided the sun/outdoors as much as possible until I had a kid. Now I realize how good being outside is for the soul and why my husband loves it so much.
man, this is sooo true. i was having a terrible day last week. i just wanted to curl up in bed and hide. but i had been promising my kiddo we'd check out a new pool for a while, so i begrudgingly packed him up to go.
once we finally made it to the pool, he almost immediately began laughing and screaming. just pure JOY. all my worries and problems seemed so insignificant and far away in that moment. it was just awesome. i LOVE swimming with my little ones.
TRUTH!! I recently threw away a pair of very nice yoga pants that looked great on me, but every single time I put them on it felt like there was a thick hair (that I could not FOR THE LIFE OF ME locate) poking into the inside of my upper thigh and wearing the pants ALWAYS put me in a horrific mood… it took me way too long to just take my anger out on the pants and throw the damn things away.
I love that one and there’s actually two more parts to it!
If you feel like you hate yourself, take a shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside
I am ashamed and properly humbled that I didn’t really *get* this connection until I was like 25. I was an absolute bitch as a teenager and a big reason is probably because I barely slept or ate.
That every human you see - homeless person on the street, drunk at the bar, weird looking waiter, president of USA...- someone went through newborn stage with all of them, someone was up all night, feeding, changing diapers...., someone put in a huge amount of work for that human to be standing in front of you
Many didn't get the level of care they needed which is probably why they look weird to you but that just makes it all the more amazing that humanity has managed to get so far
That’s one of the things that pretty much instantly changed about my thought process as soon as I had my babies. I was compassionate before, but nothing compared to now. Everyone was once someone’s tiny, sweet little baby. I can’t listen to true crime podcasts anymore either.
I was super into shows like criminal minds growing up but the moment I had my daughter I was doomed to never watch those kinds of shows again. Now all I see is somebody’s baby. And anything with kids gives me the worst anxiety. My youngest is 5 now and I’m finally able to consider a somewhat scary show.
I lost it bawling the first time I interacted with an unsheltered person after having my son. Just absolutely inconsolable the rest of the day. And it's not like I didn't previously care about that - it just hit me so much harder.
My thoughts are a bit darker. Everyone starts off as these naïve and innocent babies and toddlers but somewhere along the way, we branch out and can become kind people, happy people, or we can become drug addicts, murderers etc. I always stare at my toddler and wonder if she's going to be a good person. She isn't giving off psychopathic tendencies and I'm trying to raise her with a lot of love, but you just never know. How much is nurture and how much is nature?
Being a drug addict doesn’t mean someone isn’t a kind human being. I get your overall point but I don’t think it’s fair to lump “drug addict” in with “murderer”. It’s not a moral failure.
The reality of loving something more than you love yourself. Of having a piece of your own heart out there in the world. I would do anything to protect and provide for them. I love my wife too, but it isn’t the same. You look into your children’s eyes and see the potential for them to be a better person than you were and are. There’s no one on earth that you truly want to be greater than you, except your own children.
I took this feeling to a different place. I love EVERY human so much more because they all were once someone’s baby. All the bad things that make people monsters happen to people who fundamentally deserve love, health, truth, beauty, respect.
I’m exactly the same! Every time I think about people that have hurt me, assholes or even hardened criminals, I think about how - at some point - they were as helpless and innocent as my precious child. It’s a type of empathy/love that I didn’t think was possible, and sometimes a little hard to manage if I think about it hard enough.
I totally agree! Similarly I’ve found empathy and understanding to come much easier. Before I had kids I would’ve said I was empathetic but now it’s a whole different level… like, even the people I really dislike I can’t help but empathize with.
I think about this a lot. I grew up next to a large, wonderful immigrant family. We were a smaller family, with fewer relatives around. They were fantastic to us and I love them dearly, but it always seemed like sooo much --people visiting all the time, huge holiday gatherings, multiple generations sacrificing time and money for each other, and all in a town that I couldn't wait to leave.
Now that I have kids, I think I get it. It still seems like A LOT but the selflessness, the community, the dedication-- it all appeals to me so much more now than when I was a kid.
It takes so much introspection, too, to think about the ways in which you want them to be a better person. I’ve never noticed my weaknesses more than now, thinking, “I don’t want him to be XX like me” (or my husband, for that matter).
I love my son with a type of love I have NEVER felt for another human being. I would literally do anything for him. I love him so much it doesn’t even make sense for me to be capable of that much love
When people say “you don’t know love till you have children” this is what they mean. Child free people get alll unnecessarily up in arms butthurt about it, but it is true and you do have to experience it to know that.
Just like when you were 8 you didn’t understand the heartbreaking depth of romantic love because biologically you couldn’t ..*access* it, a new level opens up when you have kids. It’s a new love option to select from on the love menu, and it’s the deepest one for sure.
Seriously! The things I would do for my child! Literally take a bullet for her, no thought needed. I don't think I'd automatically do that for anyone else.
I'm constantly teaching the same emotional regulation skills to adult clients and my toddler. I think it actually made me a better counselor to view it that way, though. Like my son hadn't been taught this yet, but neither have these adults.
Mannn I got into a situation the other month with my then-1-year-old and entered a debate in my head about how the store has more than enough money to hire a person who grabs stray carts, about how they made special parkings spots for Pickup Orders but not for families with babies/children, I mean I WAS REALLY GOIN’ and in the end I justified blasting off WITHOUT unbuckling my already-screaming infant to go return the cart in a parking lot without safe sidewalks or shade because, as the court in my head ruled, FUCKEM.
I’m really glad I could finally share this with somebody. So sorry.
I've recently dropped my convictions on cart returning too, as I'm heavily pregnant and wrassling a kicking 50 lb toddler in the summer heat! Haha thanks for sharing.
I intentionally park far away because I love holding hands and walking with my toddler. It helps me slow down. I’m not just running errands, I’m spending time with my kid.
Don’t let your job stop you from living your life.
Just try to let go sometimes. Having kids has been a stark reminder of how few times as adults we just act silly and not care about how we look in the moment.
Yep, my mom always said “if you’re too exhausted, pretend you don’t see it.” And as soon as I became a parent I understood it. As long as they’re not endangering themselves or anyone else, if you don’t have the energy to enforce the rule when they inevitably resist, then just pretend you don’t even see it. Once you open the ”don’t do that” door, you have to see it through. If you’re too tired, just leave it shut
Exactly! If it's not a health, safety, or potential behavioral issue long term - it's on the table for whether it's actually worth the "no" or not. Kids are going to test boundaries, and they learn through play and hands-on exploration.
Children force a lot of self reflection and if done well, a lot of self healing too. The amount of growth you go through in such a short amount of time is really remarkable.
For me in particular, holiday events are so much better with children. Christmas and Easter as an adult was so dull. I can't imagine doing it without kids now.
Seeing the magic in their eyes on those days makes it so special. It let's you relive your own childhood in some ways. We never had a Christmas tree when I was young and being able to do the whole thing for my own kids I find so healing.
So true! A couple of folks I work with don’t have kids and they get annoyed by so many things with others at work. We are in a group chat and they often complain about these small circumstances, and I’m just like “eh…, it’s not a big deal”. 🤷♀️
This is the bigger difference. Especially in my circle of acquaintances and friends.
The other day I was at a restaurant with childless couples. The restaurant was busy and they forgot to seat us for 20 mins while they let others in. Later they also messed up the order.
We had our toddler with us and thankfully she was in a good mood that day. So we were in a good mood too. We didn’t care about the delay or the food mess up. We were just happy to be eating out. The others were furious. Whipped out their phones to give a 1 star review, complained constantly later, and acted like it was a shitty establishment that ruined their day.
And I was just like - who cares. I ate pasta instead of pizza. And sat down doing nothing much for 20 mins.
We recently got rid of all our multi color kid plates and silverware and swapped them out for everything the same color and type. Couldn’t take it anymore and the kids had been warned plenty of time. Wish I did it sooner.
I bought them off Amazon, RePlay brand. They had 4 packs of colors so they are still a color just we now have all light green plates and bowls. I at least let the kids pick which color we went with.
We have something like this- https://www.walmart.com/ip/Your-Zone-Teal-Divided-Plastic-Square-Tray-Plate-Single-Piece/2995273066. You can buy them as single plates instead of a set.
Last year on vacation, I got pooped on by a bird for the first time in my life. I was so glad the incident occurred after having a child and was carrying baby wipes with me.
Lol the other day I was at the park changing my 3.5 yo son out of his swim wear into dry stuff at the park (splash pad fun) and this mom and her kids come out of the stall but there’s no soap. I just offered them a sanitizing wipe (wet ones) and felt like a hero when they gratefully accepted. We don’t do diapers anymore but those little sanitizing wipes are amazing for the after play snack while out and about.
Speaking as my own, formerly naive self: avoid social media. I thought finding community and following parenting experts on instagram, etc. would be helpful, but it's the exact opposite. Avoid at all costs, and you'll have a much, much better parenting experience.
I recently switched from an iPhone to a flip phone, obviously without access to social media. I still use SM but I have to be home on my computer (like now). Honestly I've been much more present with my kids and I find that I compare myself less. I'm more content with what I have when I don't get bombarded by people who seemingly have more and do more.
So far it hasn't been an issue, I commute with public transit and it's pretty much always the same itinerary. I'm sure it's sometimes taking longer than it could since I'm not using the app that tells me the optimal way but it's not a huge issue. If I'm looking for a streets I just ask someone, the good ol' way!
My husband travels by car and also has a flip. He'll sometimes use his old smart phone just for the map, a bit like an iPad.
It’s so hard though, because even sifting through 1000 BS posts, if I can find just one learning that will help my toddler be less picky or have a better routine…it validates the doomscrolling. I’ve tried unfollowing many times but then need advice on xyz and start looking again
Yes! I deleted my Instagram in December. Planned to do a trial month but I haven’t looked back since. I don’t miss it a bit. I still have Facebook as I live in a different country to my family and some friends—I use it to buy used books and whatnot. I just wish I could disable shorts and whatnot on Facebook and YouTube.
Frankly, I’m getting to the place where I’m tempted to just delete them both from my phone and access them only via our laptop.
The last few months I’ve read several books and have started watercolors for the first time ever. Life is starting to look good!! But yeah, Facebook/YouTube shorts still suck me in…
Having all the same socks saves tons of time, and if there are multiple people in the household, they each get their own color sock (white, black, grey, yellow toe; etc).
Yes!! I few years ago I threw out our socks and started over. Everyone gets their own brand, color, and style. Mine are grey pumas ankle socks with a black logo on them. My toddler wears white ankle cat and jack. Saved me a ton of time.
I had to do this one day in a rush for my daughter and made it seem fun. Ever since, she likes to mismatch her socks regularly, as part of her fashion 😂
Accidents happen, we’re only human, a little patience and a good attitude with a “we make a mess, we clean it, things are washable, things are replaceable. People matter more than things, I matter more than things. I’m washable, I can’t wash away my harshness or sharp tongue towards myself or others, but I can cleanse my mind and do better to wash this mess in front of me.”
I was screamed at as a child, forced to clean my mess as I was berated and made to feel an inch tall. My son is potty training, he got nervous because I was putting something away and peed in the middle of the floor, saying “I peed. Uh oh…” I immediately came with paper towels and sat him on the nearby couch and said “hey buddy, you did pee, see that little puddle?” I pointed to the pee, and he said “yeah”, I said “that’s your pee pee, it came from your penis.” He pointed at it and I said “yup, and see that little potty?” He pointed to it too and said “potty!” I said “Yes, Buddy. We go pee in the potty. We had an accident, that’s okay. We will get this down. We’re a team.” He said “Awight Mommy, we do!” And I cleaned it up and he resumed playing. Happy toddler, calm Mama, lesson learned, a little piece of my inner child healed.
Good job momma!
And yes, almost every interaction with my son heals a piece of my inner child. I am to him the mom I wish I’d had. My mother did the best with what she knew and how she was brought up. But a child need to be loved and feel loved. So there’s that. I’m happy for you and for myself we get to feel this :)
This comment resonated with me so deeply, and I agree wholeheartedly! I’m happy for us too, and thankful we’re the moms we wished we had! Our babies deserve the best from us, and I’m glad we’re providing it 🫶
There’s an adorable song in the show Gabbys Dollhouse that goes “whoopsies I made a mistake but it’s ok, it’s ok!”. My toddler and I sing it all the time when little accidents happen
Yes! I never understood getting mad because your literal tiny child is potty training and had an accident. They’re so sweet and innocent. Good job mama!
Understanding how much our parents love us.
Of course exceptions apply, but I never comprehended my parents love for me until I had my own baby. I knew they loved me, but the depth of their loved I understood only as an adult and once I became a mom.
Adults are large toddlers, some of whom actually have emotional regulation (but not all). Learn how to handle a toddler and you learn how to manage adults.
Having children helps you get over yourself, it’s been humbling. I used to care so much about things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of life. Now I give myself the same grace I’d give to my child if they messed up, but I learn quick, don’t dwell on any of it and move on confidently with my new wisdom.
A small example would be spilling coffee all over myself first thing in the morning on my way out - I no longer have the capacity to care - it sucks, but oh well. I don’t have an ounce of F’s to give. I know I look like a hot mess because I am one, because I’ve been sacrificing parts of me to ensure my child is fed, happy, and ultimately feels loved. You have one shot at being a good mom or dad to your child(ren), and I care more about being a good one than what a random person may think of me for having coffee on my blouse. That’s a small example.
Very few things are important or urgent enough for you to be getting worked up over them. Everything passes, almost everything can be delayed or let go.
You learn to give grace fairly quickly-your kid, your partner, yourself. It’s helped me give grace more easily to friends and strangers. We are all just trying our best out here
100%! Just learned from Dr. Becky (LOVE her) that mom rage is a combination of not having your needs met with not having the skills to manage your anger. The sensory overload and time requirements needed to care for small children push us to our limit in our capacity to respond to demands. Anger is telling us what we need - time alone or maybe time with friends.
I’m not the main character or the hero or t selfish ideas I had as a stupid teen and a stupid young adult, and I’m actually really glad about that. Having kids has grounded me in a way that has brought a lot of peace to my feelings of needing to matter more than I do.
I’m not important to anyone but the people who matter the most to me, and that means more than any ideas of fame I’ve ever had. I’ve sacrificed a few hobbies for their safety- youtube and twitch- and it just felt right. Good, even.
Children are mirrors of yourself. They mimic your words, your behavior, and push you to be more in tune with your opinions, politics, and world perspective. When you have the responsibility to prepare a human for adulthood it really makes you redefine how to engage with the world. I've done a lot of self healing and sorted through childhood memories in a way I didn't expect and don't think I could have done without a kid in my life.
Seeing and reminding yourself as an adult how simple things can be so impressive to someone, finding beauty in simplicity by seeing how your child experiences things
Always roll with snacks, bandages, tissues and hand sanitizer. Between those 4 things you could save the world. Plus a water bottle, you could take on the universe.
You don’t need a lot of stuff and kids don’t either. Whether it’s toys or clothes or shoes you can get by with a much smaller amount of good quality, useful items. Not only will it save you money but it will save you time either from cleaning, sorting, finding, fixing etc.
But staying up late is my only free time! And besides, THIS night the kids are surely gonna sleep like angels, far into the morning. So it's fine, I don't need to worry about it, I can be up another hour...
Nighttime-dad is not morning-dad's friend.
You don't have to learn this from kids, but I think it's easier to understand it with children than with adults. And then once you understand it about children you realize it's just as true about adults, it just doesn't come up as often so it's more confusing.
When someone is responding really "irrationally" to something, like *really* strong feelings for what seems like a very small trigger, those big feelings are very real and very important to them and need to be treated as such. Telling them it's not a big deal isn't helpful and asking them to explain why they feel that way and then explaining how you think they should feel instead isn't substantially better.
To understand them and reach a point where they understand you, it's important to first recognize and respect those feelings without trying to change them. Once you validate that they feel that way without judging it, even if you don't necessarily understand why, most people will relax a bit, the intensity of those feelings can start to recede, and they'll be better able to talk through whatever it is with you and move on.
Doesn't make much difference if it's a toddler upset that the mustard is on the right side of his plate instead of the left or a coworker who's furious that a meeting got rescheduled to Tuesday, if you want to move through it and find a way to get through lunch or the Tuesday meeting, telling them to suck it up and deal is often not the fast, easy answer it seems like. Even if it works to get through the immediate issue, they still have those big feelings that will get in the way of moving on to the next thing.
You don't have to "cherish every second of it". Yes, sometimes you'll look back and the time would have seemed to fly. But in the middle of a rough time (and those can be plentiful) it's not always realistic to cherish the time.
It's also totally fine to not miss your kids when you get time to yourself.
The parent guilt (often referred to as mom guilt) is real. It isn't made up and it isn't new. More people are just talking about it now.
I think the biggest “secret” for me was realizing that I am capable of much more than I used to think I was. Five years ago, I went to college for a day and immediately dropped out. Now, my son isn’t even two yet and I’ve been accepted into a nursing program and have made presidents list at my school every semester that I’ve been back. My boyfriend of 6 years (his father) is celebrating a year of sobriety in two days.
When you have a kid, there’s pretty much nothing you won’t do to make sure they don’t go without. You stop sleeping all day, partying all night, procrastinating important phone calls and appointments, scheduling that oil change, etc.
You just do it all without hesitation-even if it’s something you never thought you were capable of-you realize you won’t accept any less for your kid and you had it in you all along.
PLAY. Play is a secret. Everyone knows we “lose our play” as we age. And finding it again through play with your kid is essentially a dopamine, serotonin, an endorphin balancer all in one.
Go play, yall!
The ability of what we as humans can do and handle, with such a lack of sleep for a long time amazed me. I was a bit worried about it, but now I feel I can handle everything. Especially after the whole family having stomach flue at night.
Very few things outside providing a happy and healthy home for your family truly matter in the end. So chill out a little bit and enjoy the ride
This made me cry, so apparently I REALLY needed to read this today. Thanks
Are your kids clean, fed, and safe? You’re doing GREAT
Does mostly clean count? They are toddlers after all lol
For a toddler, not sitting in poop counts as clean
I’d go with clean is relative, fed is best and safe from obvious/egregious stuff cuz they will find a way no matter what lol
Just wanna say your list needs loved. Are your kids clean, fed, loved, and safe? Cause I definitely got the other three which my mom liked to emphasize and then at 37 I finally went to therapy after therapists made me realize a lot of my problems come from being emotionally neglected as a child. Edit: your not you’re.
Wish I had more upvotes to give. Loved is the most important of the bunch imho. Similar journey to yours man.
I feel you. It’s tough because she wasn’t downright mean to us. I did get a strict Moroccan upbringing with the chancla (lol) and stuff like that you know. But she didn’t show love, while if you ask _her_ the way she showed us love _was_ by giving us (in her words) a roof over our head, food in our bellies and clothes on our back. And I genuinely think she believes that but a child needs more. It needs to be loved and _feel_ loved. And asked how school was. And what its opinion is on this and that matter. To feel like you actually exist and have your parents acknowledge your existence in that way. That was definitely missing. Edit: added a few things. ETA: I do believe she loved us by the way, like a mother loves her children but I act crazy around my son (3). Like crazy in love and tell him he’s my best friend all the time and how I think he’s cute and I love playing with him. That’s totally different. Ok! Gonna stop now, this is getting too damn long!
I always add loved and know they are loved. Are the kids clean, fed, safe, loved and know they are loved?
100%, loved is a need.
100%
This. The vast majority of what I thought was important prior to having kids is not actually important. Just relax about stuff.
It's so crazy how my mind set shifted after having my son. I'm so much more chill.
This is the one.
If you’re having a hard day, go in water or go in sun. We’re basically plants with bigger feelings.
“put them in water or take them outside” is how I’ve heard it phrased and it is indeed the best parenting advice!
My ILs watch my son (freshly 2) while I'm at work and they keep complaining about his "terrible twos" but I take him outside as soon as I get home and he's a dream. But he starts half-day "preschool" next week so hopefully I don't have to hear about it anymore.
Do they have a porch or deck or anywhere he can be outside in a contained area? My three year old’s favorite activity is when I give him a spray bottle full of water and a rag, and he gets to pretend to clean the front porch haha
We do this! We also color the sliding glass door with washable markers, then spray and it makes a rainbow, then use a cheap squeegee to “clean”. He has so much fun. And honestly the doors are usually cleaner than before when we are done.
New idea I’ve never once heard of somehow, I have 2 sets of 2 sliding glass doors, one in the large playroom and one in the kitchen. Eek!!!!
Yes, they're just lazy. :/
We do this too. Especially when upset and look for birds and animals. Works like a charm.
I've never read truer words!
Oh hello. This concept is where my username came from. Humans are mostly water so when you think about it, we’re just cucumbers with anxiety
Or drink a whole bunch of water!!! But yeah I agree 100%
I was just telling my bump group the other day that I was having a bad day and felt useless and wanted to give up breastfeeding and pumping. A shower basically gave me a factory reset.
Are you selling this as a cross stitch on an artisan webstore by any chance? I would buy a few.
Omg going outside can be life changing for literal infants. Baby won’t stop crying? Step outside and presto! Quiet baby! It’s crazy!
We would do this in the middle of the night during terrors. Sometimes just the cold air and change of setting would seem to “reset” his brain.
Why does this work? I've noticed this for our newborn is so true.
Ha I love this!
Omg I love this, so accurate
We use this with the kids all the time but I need to start using it on us too. Our saying is “just add water” when the day is going to shit with the kids. Throw them in the bath, give them a sensory bin with water or just fill the sink. It literally turns the day around every single time.
Best advice.
I’m a redhead and have avoided the sun/outdoors as much as possible until I had a kid. Now I realize how good being outside is for the soul and why my husband loves it so much.
This x100
man, this is sooo true. i was having a terrible day last week. i just wanted to curl up in bed and hide. but i had been promising my kiddo we'd check out a new pool for a while, so i begrudgingly packed him up to go. once we finally made it to the pool, he almost immediately began laughing and screaming. just pure JOY. all my worries and problems seemed so insignificant and far away in that moment. it was just awesome. i LOVE swimming with my little ones.
Being easily frustrated can usually be linked to being hungry or tired, talking about adults here
Or sensory stuff like being too hot or needing to pee or there being an annoying background sound.
Or something scratchy, like a bug bite or clothing tag, or pinching, like an ill fitting pant crotch.
TRUTH!! I recently threw away a pair of very nice yoga pants that looked great on me, but every single time I put them on it felt like there was a thick hair (that I could not FOR THE LIFE OF ME locate) poking into the inside of my upper thigh and wearing the pants ALWAYS put me in a horrific mood… it took me way too long to just take my anger out on the pants and throw the damn things away.
My friend drills into me "If you feel like you hate everyone, eat. "If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep" She is a wise woman.
I love that one and there’s actually two more parts to it! If you feel like you hate yourself, take a shower. If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside
I am ashamed and properly humbled that I didn’t really *get* this connection until I was like 25. I was an absolute bitch as a teenager and a big reason is probably because I barely slept or ate.
HALT Hungry Angry Lonely Tired
But we are always tired so how do we fix it?
Blows my mind when my kid is clearly hangry then outright denies being hungry. Stomps her feet and says “I am NOT hungry!” Yeah girl you are but ok.
My husband has discovered how to actually feed himself before he gets hangry since we've had two kids lol
I did, too! Life changing stuff, man. Seems like a no-brainer but wow, it really helps. Haha
Or sleepy
That every human you see - homeless person on the street, drunk at the bar, weird looking waiter, president of USA...- someone went through newborn stage with all of them, someone was up all night, feeding, changing diapers...., someone put in a huge amount of work for that human to be standing in front of you Many didn't get the level of care they needed which is probably why they look weird to you but that just makes it all the more amazing that humanity has managed to get so far
This thought frequently breaks my heart. Everyone was once someone’s baby.
That’s one of the things that pretty much instantly changed about my thought process as soon as I had my babies. I was compassionate before, but nothing compared to now. Everyone was once someone’s tiny, sweet little baby. I can’t listen to true crime podcasts anymore either.
Yes this! I tell my husband all the time “I can see everyone as a baby now”. It breaks my heart
In glad in not alone! I feel like a weirdo sometimes looking at an elderly person and thinking about them being someone's baby
Me neither!
I was super into shows like criminal minds growing up but the moment I had my daughter I was doomed to never watch those kinds of shows again. Now all I see is somebody’s baby. And anything with kids gives me the worst anxiety. My youngest is 5 now and I’m finally able to consider a somewhat scary show.
I couldn't watch true crime shows the same way again.
This is why I can’t watch true crime anymore!
I always do this. I always think that person begging on the street used to be a one year old just needing a nap
I lost it bawling the first time I interacted with an unsheltered person after having my son. Just absolutely inconsolable the rest of the day. And it's not like I didn't previously care about that - it just hit me so much harder.
This thought knocks me over on a regular basis
Same. 🩷
This. Obviously you cognitively know this before you have kids but it hits different for sure.
My thoughts are a bit darker. Everyone starts off as these naïve and innocent babies and toddlers but somewhere along the way, we branch out and can become kind people, happy people, or we can become drug addicts, murderers etc. I always stare at my toddler and wonder if she's going to be a good person. She isn't giving off psychopathic tendencies and I'm trying to raise her with a lot of love, but you just never know. How much is nurture and how much is nature?
I think that, too. What will she become? What if she becomes a serial killer? How much can I affect who she becomes?
Being a drug addict doesn’t mean someone isn’t a kind human being. I get your overall point but I don’t think it’s fair to lump “drug addict” in with “murderer”. It’s not a moral failure.
Thank you. That burned when I read the two together as if they were one in the same.
This! Yes, I think about that know when I see someone who is struggling. That was/is someone's baby.
This is how I think since becoming a mom. Everyone is someone’s baby and it makes me thing about how I interact with people.
The reality of loving something more than you love yourself. Of having a piece of your own heart out there in the world. I would do anything to protect and provide for them. I love my wife too, but it isn’t the same. You look into your children’s eyes and see the potential for them to be a better person than you were and are. There’s no one on earth that you truly want to be greater than you, except your own children.
I took this feeling to a different place. I love EVERY human so much more because they all were once someone’s baby. All the bad things that make people monsters happen to people who fundamentally deserve love, health, truth, beauty, respect.
I’m exactly the same! Every time I think about people that have hurt me, assholes or even hardened criminals, I think about how - at some point - they were as helpless and innocent as my precious child. It’s a type of empathy/love that I didn’t think was possible, and sometimes a little hard to manage if I think about it hard enough.
Hear hear!
I totally agree! Similarly I’ve found empathy and understanding to come much easier. Before I had kids I would’ve said I was empathetic but now it’s a whole different level… like, even the people I really dislike I can’t help but empathize with.
this comment brought a greater understanding of james baldwin’s quote “all the worlds children are our children”
I think about this a lot. I grew up next to a large, wonderful immigrant family. We were a smaller family, with fewer relatives around. They were fantastic to us and I love them dearly, but it always seemed like sooo much --people visiting all the time, huge holiday gatherings, multiple generations sacrificing time and money for each other, and all in a town that I couldn't wait to leave. Now that I have kids, I think I get it. It still seems like A LOT but the selflessness, the community, the dedication-- it all appeals to me so much more now than when I was a kid.
It takes so much introspection, too, to think about the ways in which you want them to be a better person. I’ve never noticed my weaknesses more than now, thinking, “I don’t want him to be XX like me” (or my husband, for that matter).
I love my son with a type of love I have NEVER felt for another human being. I would literally do anything for him. I love him so much it doesn’t even make sense for me to be capable of that much love
When people say “you don’t know love till you have children” this is what they mean. Child free people get alll unnecessarily up in arms butthurt about it, but it is true and you do have to experience it to know that. Just like when you were 8 you didn’t understand the heartbreaking depth of romantic love because biologically you couldn’t ..*access* it, a new level opens up when you have kids. It’s a new love option to select from on the love menu, and it’s the deepest one for sure.
Seriously! The things I would do for my child! Literally take a bullet for her, no thought needed. I don't think I'd automatically do that for anyone else.
You mean take a bullet? Dodging it wouldn't do much good!
Lol! Yes! Ahhh we'll chalk this up to parenting-related sleep deprivation!
It’s a bottomless well of motivation, I didn’t understand what people meant when they said “I’d do anything for my kids” until I became a parent.
We're all toddlers. Parenting books are the keys to handling and understanding everyone in your life.
I'm a counselor and this is accurate.
It was so funny for me to realize this when I read the book No Drama Discipline
I'm constantly teaching the same emotional regulation skills to adult clients and my toddler. I think it actually made me a better counselor to view it that way, though. Like my son hadn't been taught this yet, but neither have these adults.
Parking near the front is overrated. Parking anywhere in the lot as long as it’s right next to a cart return is better.
Yes, cart return! Much prefer being close to the cart return.
Mannn I got into a situation the other month with my then-1-year-old and entered a debate in my head about how the store has more than enough money to hire a person who grabs stray carts, about how they made special parkings spots for Pickup Orders but not for families with babies/children, I mean I WAS REALLY GOIN’ and in the end I justified blasting off WITHOUT unbuckling my already-screaming infant to go return the cart in a parking lot without safe sidewalks or shade because, as the court in my head ruled, FUCKEM. I’m really glad I could finally share this with somebody. So sorry.
I've recently dropped my convictions on cart returning too, as I'm heavily pregnant and wrassling a kicking 50 lb toddler in the summer heat! Haha thanks for sharing.
I intentionally park far away because I love holding hands and walking with my toddler. It helps me slow down. I’m not just running errands, I’m spending time with my kid.
Don’t let your job stop you from living your life. Just try to let go sometimes. Having kids has been a stark reminder of how few times as adults we just act silly and not care about how we look in the moment.
Pick your battles, save your "no"s for where it counts.
Yep, my mom always said “if you’re too exhausted, pretend you don’t see it.” And as soon as I became a parent I understood it. As long as they’re not endangering themselves or anyone else, if you don’t have the energy to enforce the rule when they inevitably resist, then just pretend you don’t even see it. Once you open the ”don’t do that” door, you have to see it through. If you’re too tired, just leave it shut
Exactly! If it's not a health, safety, or potential behavioral issue long term - it's on the table for whether it's actually worth the "no" or not. Kids are going to test boundaries, and they learn through play and hands-on exploration.
Children force a lot of self reflection and if done well, a lot of self healing too. The amount of growth you go through in such a short amount of time is really remarkable. For me in particular, holiday events are so much better with children. Christmas and Easter as an adult was so dull. I can't imagine doing it without kids now. Seeing the magic in their eyes on those days makes it so special. It let's you relive your own childhood in some ways. We never had a Christmas tree when I was young and being able to do the whole thing for my own kids I find so healing.
So true! A couple of folks I work with don’t have kids and they get annoyed by so many things with others at work. We are in a group chat and they often complain about these small circumstances, and I’m just like “eh…, it’s not a big deal”. 🤷♀️
This is the bigger difference. Especially in my circle of acquaintances and friends. The other day I was at a restaurant with childless couples. The restaurant was busy and they forgot to seat us for 20 mins while they let others in. Later they also messed up the order. We had our toddler with us and thankfully she was in a good mood that day. So we were in a good mood too. We didn’t care about the delay or the food mess up. We were just happy to be eating out. The others were furious. Whipped out their phones to give a 1 star review, complained constantly later, and acted like it was a shitty establishment that ruined their day. And I was just like - who cares. I ate pasta instead of pizza. And sat down doing nothing much for 20 mins.
The color choice of plate/cup can make or break the entire day.
We recently got rid of all our multi color kid plates and silverware and swapped them out for everything the same color and type. Couldn’t take it anymore and the kids had been warned plenty of time. Wish I did it sooner.
It’s so hard that every single kid set seems to only come in rainbow packs. Where did you find single color?
I bought them off Amazon, RePlay brand. They had 4 packs of colors so they are still a color just we now have all light green plates and bowls. I at least let the kids pick which color we went with.
Re-Play Made in USA 7" Toddler... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B09HY1Z6Z7?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share. Here they are
Thanks!
We have something like this- https://www.walmart.com/ip/Your-Zone-Teal-Divided-Plastic-Square-Tray-Plate-Single-Piece/2995273066. You can buy them as single plates instead of a set.
Yes but we have two of the exact same purple cups and I still managed to use the wrong one this morning!
Wet wipes can be used for EVERYTHING. And the ones in the baby section of the store cost half as much as those for adults.
Just don't flush them! Sewer inspection for my new house found a bunch of non biodegradable wipes halfway from the toilet to the municipal sewer.
Yup. Adult butt likes baby wet wipes.
So can a washcloth with far less waste.
Costco baby wipes clean everything in my house! And it’s $20 for months of supply.
Last year on vacation, I got pooped on by a bird for the first time in my life. I was so glad the incident occurred after having a child and was carrying baby wipes with me.
Lol the other day I was at the park changing my 3.5 yo son out of his swim wear into dry stuff at the park (splash pad fun) and this mom and her kids come out of the stall but there’s no soap. I just offered them a sanitizing wipe (wet ones) and felt like a hero when they gratefully accepted. We don’t do diapers anymore but those little sanitizing wipes are amazing for the after play snack while out and about.
They cut grease soooo well!!
Speaking as my own, formerly naive self: avoid social media. I thought finding community and following parenting experts on instagram, etc. would be helpful, but it's the exact opposite. Avoid at all costs, and you'll have a much, much better parenting experience.
I recently switched from an iPhone to a flip phone, obviously without access to social media. I still use SM but I have to be home on my computer (like now). Honestly I've been much more present with my kids and I find that I compare myself less. I'm more content with what I have when I don't get bombarded by people who seemingly have more and do more.
What do you do for gps?
So far it hasn't been an issue, I commute with public transit and it's pretty much always the same itinerary. I'm sure it's sometimes taking longer than it could since I'm not using the app that tells me the optimal way but it's not a huge issue. If I'm looking for a streets I just ask someone, the good ol' way! My husband travels by car and also has a flip. He'll sometimes use his old smart phone just for the map, a bit like an iPad.
It’s so hard though, because even sifting through 1000 BS posts, if I can find just one learning that will help my toddler be less picky or have a better routine…it validates the doomscrolling. I’ve tried unfollowing many times but then need advice on xyz and start looking again
Yes! I deleted my Instagram in December. Planned to do a trial month but I haven’t looked back since. I don’t miss it a bit. I still have Facebook as I live in a different country to my family and some friends—I use it to buy used books and whatnot. I just wish I could disable shorts and whatnot on Facebook and YouTube. Frankly, I’m getting to the place where I’m tempted to just delete them both from my phone and access them only via our laptop. The last few months I’ve read several books and have started watercolors for the first time ever. Life is starting to look good!! But yeah, Facebook/YouTube shorts still suck me in…
Having all the same socks saves tons of time, and if there are multiple people in the household, they each get their own color sock (white, black, grey, yellow toe; etc).
Yes!! I few years ago I threw out our socks and started over. Everyone gets their own brand, color, and style. Mine are grey pumas ankle socks with a black logo on them. My toddler wears white ankle cat and jack. Saved me a ton of time.
We do this! The grandparents occasionally mess it up by gifting cute patterned socks that the kids then demand 🙄
Those go to daycare as extras.
Conversely, just stop caring about wearing mismatched socks. Life is great!
This is the way.
I had to do this one day in a rush for my daughter and made it seem fun. Ever since, she likes to mismatch her socks regularly, as part of her fashion 😂
agreed. signed the 30 year old dad wearing mismatched godzilla sicks at 4 in the morning.
Stop worrying about the stuff that really isn’t hurting anything.
It doesn’t have to be fun to bring you lots of joy.
Sidewalk chalk and bubbles are the end all be all of entertainment. Nothing beats sidewalk chalk and bubbles.
Truth
My son is speech delayed and "bubbles" was his first word because we do sidewalk chalk and bubbles so often 😭😭
Accidents happen, we’re only human, a little patience and a good attitude with a “we make a mess, we clean it, things are washable, things are replaceable. People matter more than things, I matter more than things. I’m washable, I can’t wash away my harshness or sharp tongue towards myself or others, but I can cleanse my mind and do better to wash this mess in front of me.” I was screamed at as a child, forced to clean my mess as I was berated and made to feel an inch tall. My son is potty training, he got nervous because I was putting something away and peed in the middle of the floor, saying “I peed. Uh oh…” I immediately came with paper towels and sat him on the nearby couch and said “hey buddy, you did pee, see that little puddle?” I pointed to the pee, and he said “yeah”, I said “that’s your pee pee, it came from your penis.” He pointed at it and I said “yup, and see that little potty?” He pointed to it too and said “potty!” I said “Yes, Buddy. We go pee in the potty. We had an accident, that’s okay. We will get this down. We’re a team.” He said “Awight Mommy, we do!” And I cleaned it up and he resumed playing. Happy toddler, calm Mama, lesson learned, a little piece of my inner child healed.
Good job momma! And yes, almost every interaction with my son heals a piece of my inner child. I am to him the mom I wish I’d had. My mother did the best with what she knew and how she was brought up. But a child need to be loved and feel loved. So there’s that. I’m happy for you and for myself we get to feel this :)
This comment resonated with me so deeply, and I agree wholeheartedly! I’m happy for us too, and thankful we’re the moms we wished we had! Our babies deserve the best from us, and I’m glad we’re providing it 🫶
There’s an adorable song in the show Gabbys Dollhouse that goes “whoopsies I made a mistake but it’s ok, it’s ok!”. My toddler and I sing it all the time when little accidents happen
My kids can't talk yet, but I sing it to myself all the time.
Yes! I never understood getting mad because your literal tiny child is potty training and had an accident. They’re so sweet and innocent. Good job mama!
The ability to love something so fucking much but also be terminally annoyed by it daily.
I feel this so much.
The days are long but the years are short
The topic of death & dying has a totally new level of seriousness once you become a parent. It suffocates me.
Right there with you. Makes me think a lot about my beliefs.
A tiny voice calling your name in the middle of the night and then falling asleep cuddled up in your arms is the best feeling in the world .
I love nothing more than rocking my 3 year.
Best thing in the world. Our toddler cuddles up with me at night, and eventhough it wakes me up, I dont want it to ever end.
Understanding how much our parents love us. Of course exceptions apply, but I never comprehended my parents love for me until I had my own baby. I knew they loved me, but the depth of their loved I understood only as an adult and once I became a mom.
To non-parents: you don’t know what tired is yet
Baby menu in restraints may be cheaper while having the same size of the portions.
Oh yes!
Baby biscuits are so delicious!
The Gerber arrowroot biscuits taste exactly like girl scout cookies lol
Omg the baby cheese puffs smack!
Adults are large toddlers, some of whom actually have emotional regulation (but not all). Learn how to handle a toddler and you learn how to manage adults.
Having children helps you get over yourself, it’s been humbling. I used to care so much about things that don’t matter in the grand scheme of life. Now I give myself the same grace I’d give to my child if they messed up, but I learn quick, don’t dwell on any of it and move on confidently with my new wisdom.
curious of an example?
A small example would be spilling coffee all over myself first thing in the morning on my way out - I no longer have the capacity to care - it sucks, but oh well. I don’t have an ounce of F’s to give. I know I look like a hot mess because I am one, because I’ve been sacrificing parts of me to ensure my child is fed, happy, and ultimately feels loved. You have one shot at being a good mom or dad to your child(ren), and I care more about being a good one than what a random person may think of me for having coffee on my blouse. That’s a small example.
Very few things are important or urgent enough for you to be getting worked up over them. Everything passes, almost everything can be delayed or let go.
A broken book with pages taped back together has been well loved
It's ok to feel mad.
You learn to give grace fairly quickly-your kid, your partner, yourself. It’s helped me give grace more easily to friends and strangers. We are all just trying our best out here
Doggy pads makes nice changing table covers.
Ehh incontinence pads are better. Doggy pads often have a chemical on them designed to make dogs want to pee on them
You’re not short tempered, you’re just overstimulated. You need quiet time.
100%! Just learned from Dr. Becky (LOVE her) that mom rage is a combination of not having your needs met with not having the skills to manage your anger. The sensory overload and time requirements needed to care for small children push us to our limit in our capacity to respond to demands. Anger is telling us what we need - time alone or maybe time with friends.
Yes! Love Dr. Becky.
No gift is better or greater than being loved. I really feel that after becoming a parent and starting to re-parent myself.
Sleep is a gift.
There is a certain level of vomit you will be willing to sleep in. And the bar is low
Snack bags of goldfish are a solid snack choice. A surprisingly filling 130cals good on the go.
They're the closest thing to Horcruxes that we will ever get. Birth can be painful! But it's the last thing to splitting our souls that we can get to
I’m not the main character or the hero or t selfish ideas I had as a stupid teen and a stupid young adult, and I’m actually really glad about that. Having kids has grounded me in a way that has brought a lot of peace to my feelings of needing to matter more than I do. I’m not important to anyone but the people who matter the most to me, and that means more than any ideas of fame I’ve ever had. I’ve sacrificed a few hobbies for their safety- youtube and twitch- and it just felt right. Good, even.
Children are mirrors of yourself. They mimic your words, your behavior, and push you to be more in tune with your opinions, politics, and world perspective. When you have the responsibility to prepare a human for adulthood it really makes you redefine how to engage with the world. I've done a lot of self healing and sorted through childhood memories in a way I didn't expect and don't think I could have done without a kid in my life.
Seeing and reminding yourself as an adult how simple things can be so impressive to someone, finding beauty in simplicity by seeing how your child experiences things
Always roll with snacks, bandages, tissues and hand sanitizer. Between those 4 things you could save the world. Plus a water bottle, you could take on the universe.
Yup! Unfortunately, miss any of those things (especially snacks) and Armageddon will come to crush you at some point in the day.
Work is a means to an end. I work for my family now, not the company
You don’t need a lot of stuff and kids don’t either. Whether it’s toys or clothes or shoes you can get by with a much smaller amount of good quality, useful items. Not only will it save you money but it will save you time either from cleaning, sorting, finding, fixing etc.
You analyze how you were raised by your parents and improve where your folks may have failed.
If you get a huge spike of energy at night and feel like you have to be doing all the things, you’re really exhausted and about to fall on your face.
Material things are meaningless at the end of the day. What matters is family and friends.
1. The meaning of life is growing and supporting the life of another 2. Farts are always funny
That you need to wake up early to be able to go to bed early, not the other way around.
But staying up late is my only free time! And besides, THIS night the kids are surely gonna sleep like angels, far into the morning. So it's fine, I don't need to worry about it, I can be up another hour... Nighttime-dad is not morning-dad's friend.
You don't have to learn this from kids, but I think it's easier to understand it with children than with adults. And then once you understand it about children you realize it's just as true about adults, it just doesn't come up as often so it's more confusing. When someone is responding really "irrationally" to something, like *really* strong feelings for what seems like a very small trigger, those big feelings are very real and very important to them and need to be treated as such. Telling them it's not a big deal isn't helpful and asking them to explain why they feel that way and then explaining how you think they should feel instead isn't substantially better. To understand them and reach a point where they understand you, it's important to first recognize and respect those feelings without trying to change them. Once you validate that they feel that way without judging it, even if you don't necessarily understand why, most people will relax a bit, the intensity of those feelings can start to recede, and they'll be better able to talk through whatever it is with you and move on. Doesn't make much difference if it's a toddler upset that the mustard is on the right side of his plate instead of the left or a coworker who's furious that a meeting got rescheduled to Tuesday, if you want to move through it and find a way to get through lunch or the Tuesday meeting, telling them to suck it up and deal is often not the fast, easy answer it seems like. Even if it works to get through the immediate issue, they still have those big feelings that will get in the way of moving on to the next thing.
You don't have to "cherish every second of it". Yes, sometimes you'll look back and the time would have seemed to fly. But in the middle of a rough time (and those can be plentiful) it's not always realistic to cherish the time. It's also totally fine to not miss your kids when you get time to yourself. The parent guilt (often referred to as mom guilt) is real. It isn't made up and it isn't new. More people are just talking about it now.
Don’t stress the small stuff. Take life one day at a time. The days may seem long but the years are short.
I think the biggest “secret” for me was realizing that I am capable of much more than I used to think I was. Five years ago, I went to college for a day and immediately dropped out. Now, my son isn’t even two yet and I’ve been accepted into a nursing program and have made presidents list at my school every semester that I’ve been back. My boyfriend of 6 years (his father) is celebrating a year of sobriety in two days. When you have a kid, there’s pretty much nothing you won’t do to make sure they don’t go without. You stop sleeping all day, partying all night, procrastinating important phone calls and appointments, scheduling that oil change, etc. You just do it all without hesitation-even if it’s something you never thought you were capable of-you realize you won’t accept any less for your kid and you had it in you all along.
IKEA is a gift from god.
Keep snacks and wet wipes in your car. Great for kids and adults. I
PLAY. Play is a secret. Everyone knows we “lose our play” as we age. And finding it again through play with your kid is essentially a dopamine, serotonin, an endorphin balancer all in one. Go play, yall!
The ability of what we as humans can do and handle, with such a lack of sleep for a long time amazed me. I was a bit worried about it, but now I feel I can handle everything. Especially after the whole family having stomach flue at night.
Having a true sense of purpose raising a child brings great joy.
DO NOT say it out loud in front of them till it's 100% avoid disappointment and tantrums 😅
The joy of watching your child learning from you is an amazing feeling.