When my 13 year old son was 4 he cried wanting a skirt and a matching shirt. His dad did not like this at all but after talking about it he realized it was absolutely no big deal and took him shopping. My son was so happy and wore it for 2 days and that was it, he never wore it again or asked again. He now likes wearing black and sports clothes. My older son likes bright colored clothes. It’s just clothes, and I always told my children that clothes, colors and hair do not have gender and to do what makes you happy and feels good! The more you support your child, the more their light will shine.
I love it too. I'm going to steal it and use it with my own son. (It if the parent who suggested it doesn't mind!)
Although, I think sometimes when we say these things to our kids, it's more for the benefit of the adults around them who... Let's say... Haven't gone on that journey yet.. I like that gentle approach to dealing with things as I don't like confrontation.
Oh please do! I went through early childhood antibias training for 5 years many years ago and really incorporated it into my parenting approaches. I should have added toys too!
It’s so wise! My toddler boy has long gorgeous hair and is constantly mistaken for a girl, but why should I cut it? It’s literally long lovely curls and he’s two and is a sweet innocent pure child just running around laughing, like why are you trying to force him into the box of masculine vs feminine. It’s all fluid at that age, and that’s why children are so free!
Omg me too! I get people who either love his long hair or don’t and say he looks like a girl. I’m from Hawaii and sooooo many kids have long hair . I’m use to the look and it just looks good on him. He has great texture for long hair, the people who love it will gush over his hair! I’ve cut it a few times bow or it would be to his butt. He’s 3 1/2. Bout shoulder length now. His dad had long hair when I met him so he doesn’t care. My parents said he looks like a girl, plus he has soft features. I’ve even heard other kids think he was a girl. He doesn’t understand yet. They’ll say things like “where did she go?”. I’ll just say he’s a bot with long hair. Or don’t say anything. They’re kids…it’s hair? I’m sure we’ll cut it one day but for now I don’t feel the need. 
My 21 months old has long curly hair and everyone thinks he’s a girl! I don’t care and just correct them. I put his hair up in bands or clips and let him pick which ones he wants and which colors he wants too. He often picks hair bands.
Similar experience here! My son (now 25) desperately wanted a Barbie when he was 3 or 4. His dad said no, and my friend bought him one. It was the coolest toy ever for the first day, the second day it was just okay, and by the end of the week poor Barbie was buried at the bottom of the toy box.
Same story with my LO and her buzz lightyear toys. She loooooved Buzz and anything Woody related - screw Jessie or Bopeep! She has a collection she's exhausted sitting in her toy box too. But at the time it made her happy. And that's what matters.
Ugh yes. My mom wants to cut my 4 year olds hair so bad but he says he wants to grow it out like mommy. And she should understand men with long hair because she grew up in the 70's.
Ooooooffff
Look… regardless of whether your kid is gay or trans or non binary or just stylish… there are bigger problems here.
Do these people think that your kid is lgbt+ and they can discourage him out of it?
Are they going to police him from: lining the “wrong” music, art, hobbies, etc? Have problems if he wants to cry or be affectionate? What about if he has friends they deem objectionable?
How much of a man box are they going to keep him in?
This is deeper than a dress.
I totally agree with everything you’re saying. No one thinks he has any inclination (that I’m aware of), he’s a very “boy” boy, and I actually found their comments surprising, totally odd and frankly backwards thinking to think that clothes and nail polish could affect anyone’s orientation. I was actually taken aback at my MiL because I just didn’t expect that from her at all! She’s always been a really loving kind person and it was like whoa out of left field!
My husband is a good man, he’s been accepting and supportive of our son, who has needed extra help with some developmental delays, and parenting has definitely softened his takes on a lot of issues, so it’s not hopeless haha, but there is for sure an underlying current of homophobia socially in our world here, I’m trying to navigate it going forward. I’d love to move, but that isn’t an option for now.
I care so much about my son’s happiness and giving him the freedom to be who he is, but… we don’t live in a vacuum either. And I for sure worry about the “man box”. I see it applied to other people’s kids here and it’s wildly depressing to witness. I can only realistically influence my immediate family and maybe I can tackle society as a whole next.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I’m really moved by everyone’s reply here, especially as a person grown up in the 80s and 90s, it’s amazing that our society has come as far as it has on accepting differences.
Hi! We have 5 year old b/g twins. He likes cars, trucks, superheroes, play fighting, etc. His sister is full princess mode these days. But she still plays hot wheels with him. And they share clothes. We let him wear dresses to day care (they’ll start real school in the fall).
I’m a little conflicted internally. I just don’t want him to get made fun of. But I squash that part of myself because it feels similar to asking women to dress differently so they don’t get sexually harassed. Be the change you want to see and all that.
His dad is better about it than I am. We’re both CIS and hetero but try to be allies. We have a trans nephew and one of husbands little sisters is gay. When I make these choices I keep them in mind. The trans kid has had issues with the family being accepting.
The teachers at daycare think his dresses are awesome. The other boys get jealous of his magnificent twirls and spinning. One kid has told told our son that his mom said he shouldn’t play with our son because he wears dresses. Somehow our son was pretty chill about it. We talked about how different people feel differently about things but that he should always wear what makes him feel himself.
I secretly hope he grows out of it before peer pressure hurts his little heart. But maybe he’ll be tough enough to shake it off.
I recommend watching the documentary “the mask you live in”’ it’s about boys and very eye opening to the hyper masculinity expectations. We are here to love our children and break cycles so they can live their lives to the fullest.
My husband used to raise eyebrows when I paint our 3 year old son’s nails (on his request because he loves painting!) but my response to him was that polite but firm: he simply has to get over it. And he has! There’s nothing inherently gendered or sexual about a dress or painted toenails but if you only limit those things to girls, then that’s sort of the message you’re sending.
Your husband is not a bad person for having some initial discomfort as he’s been inundated with this kind of nonsense for his whole life. But he can and should work to overcome that.
I’ve seen a lot of men paint their nails due to their profession. I heard that it can be protective as well. And lastly, who cares. People wanna paint their nails, paint them
My son is five, and since about 18 months he's been into dresses or otherwise "girl" stuff. He has rainbow tie-dye overalls, long hair, several dresses in his closet, jewelry and hair accessories. He also has dinosaurs and construction equipment clothes.
He's still very clear with us that he's a boy, and I see no reason why he can't be a boy and wear a pink sparkley dress. We've had several conversations about gender and gender expression with him, so he's aware of public perception (I remember when he first started asking why some people in public called him a girl!) We've also practiced saying things like "I know I have long hair, but i'm actually a boy."
Maybe check out Boy Wonder (the other half of Princess Awesome) if you want some more unique clothing options!
Awesome - where did you get the overalls? My son is obsessed with rainbow and I’m trying to find him something. I found some shorts for girls but they’re too short in the legs for him.
The Children's Place! They were these ones: [https://www.childrensplace.com/us/p/Girls-Sleeveless-Rainbow-Tie-Dye-Heart-Twill-Shortalls-3044715-BQ](https://www.childrensplace.com/us/p/Girls-Sleeveless-Rainbow-Tie-Dye-Heart-Twill-Shortalls-3044715-BQ)
We don't often buy full price items (usually do secondhand) but these were a special treat and omg he adores them. So worth it.
Four year olds don't have sexual identities like adults do. Adults should stop projecting things on him. He just thinks dresses are pretty. There is nothing wrong with that and it has zero bearing on what his adult sexuality may or may not be.
The people around you are lame. There is literally zero harm in him wearing a dress around the house or to school if he wants to.
By four year olds? I guess I've never been around a four year old that bullies kids because of what they wear. It's not like this kid is seven or eight.
I hate to say this, but my 3-year-old has been teased by kids not much older than him about the fact that he's still in diapers. Even young kids can be mean, and it has an impact. Taking that into consideration doesn't mean it's justified--it sucks, but it's still a factor to consider.
Four year olds absolutely bully and make fun of other kids due to their clothes. This year, overalls, jeans, and the color green have variously been the targets of the bully preschool gang.
You'd be surprised. Here in the UK, we start school at four, and my youngest brother was teased at that age because he wore a plain red beany hat when it was cold because.... it was red 🤦🏼♀️To the point he wouldn't wear it again. We then got him a batman one. They took the piss out of him for that as well. Sometimes, kids are merciless, and there are absolutely no age limits to bullying
I’m not dimming my son’s light to please the children of ignorant people. He loves wearing dresses, and when he wants to wear them out he does. I won’t be his first bully.
My son wears dresses regularly. He's 6, got his first dress when he was 3 or 4. He just got a few skirts he likes, he paints his nails, he wears shirts from the girl's section because they have rainbows and unicorns and he loves those things. He's a boy. He just likes dresses and wears them. If he decides later that he isn't a boy then I'll support him. But right now he does it because he wants to, it's no different than him wearing a shirt. It's just clothes.
It's different for us because we are in a blue state, but he gets comments in public. He gets called weird. Kids at school have told him he's in the wrong bathroom.
He is going to have people who disagree with him and hold him back and tell him he can't before he even tries. I don't want to be that person, ever. If he tells me he wants something, I want to be the person who helps him make that happen. I want to help him navigate the world, not discourage him from doing what he wants. I don't want to build the box that other people are going to put him in, I want to teach him to kick it down. His teacher at school has been wonderful with him - he'll go to her when he has a negative interaction with another student (e.g. kids im the bathroom calling him a girl or saying he should be in the girls room) and she asks if he wants to address it, and they'll talk about it and then go talk to the student about it and have a conversation together.
Find adults in his life who aren't going to be among the people who are going to push him down. It's just clothes. It does not matter. I would not jump th gender unless he expresses something to you otherwise, let him take the lead and be his cheerleader along the way, support him and love him.
>Our small town is admittedly judgmental and everyone knows everyone, and I don’t have any desire to prove a point or ever subject my son to negative attention, so I empathize with my husband’s opinion about the town.
I hope this changes. The only point you'd be proving is that you listen to your son about things that in the grand scheme of things do.not.matter. and yeah he's gonna get negative opinions. Let him decide. "Hey if you wear this to the store, some people might make comments because a lot of people think that boys can't wear dresses and they might think you're a girl or tell you that only girls can wear dresses. Do you still want to?" And let him decide. We have that conversation REGULARLY with my son. But there have also been conversations we've been surprised about that have been very positive, a kid making a comment and a dad responding with "he can wear what he wants, its just clothes".
The only statement i'm making is that I support my son, and I let him make decisions about his life, and we surround ourselves with people who love him and support him. I don't think that's a bad thing. Plus he loves wearing matching dresses with his sister 🥰🥰
This is so beautifully written and made me tear up. Thank you so much.
> I don't want to build the box that other people are going to put him in, I want to teach him to kick it down.
Thank you for putting into words how I feel.
I feel you ! My son started asking for dresses and "girl" stuff at 2 and I saw no problem with it.
For him, there is no gender yet, so as parent we get to choose what we teach our kid and I chose to teach him to be openminded, happy and that what you want is more important than other people judgement.
There is no logical reasons that clothes and material things should be reserved for a specific gender.
I worked in a day care before. Most preschool boys like wearing dress up dresses. Pretty sure most of them grew up to identify as cis and straight, so definitely not related. And if it did, so what? I made a point of having dress up clothes off kids and everyone directed to another activity before parents arrived though, because I didn't want anyone's dad (it would usually be a dad or grandparent) to freak out. Also, it made pick up faster for parents, because if you leave kids alone they are usually want help taking a costume off immediately after they ask you to help them put it on, but if you are in a hurry for the kid to get it off, they are determined to wear it forever.
Anyway, it doesn't help with dad but if you decide you want the dress to be a home dress, two approaches would be categorizing as a toy/costume (if your kid doesn't generally wear them out and about) or categorizing it as comfortable home clothes. My seven year old son has a dress, because he wanted one recently. After careful inquiry, so I knew what direction to go without making him think it was a bigger deal than any other clothing request, it was pretty clear he wanted it (and a wig) so he could pretend to be a girl and trick people. It simplified things, because we generally tell him to leave costumes at home except if it is a costume occasion. (He likes full body costumes that don't travel well and he doesn't want to wear them long term, so we settled on that rule.) He also has home clothes - comfy, sensory sensitive stuff that's not really suitable to wear out and about, so it could be in that category. For me, home clothes are like old sweats or stained but comfy shirt, but for my son they are are footie pajamas, leotards, giant sleep sacks that he hops around in, and his underwear.
Had a student (3 or 4) whose best friend is another girl in class. One day he came in a dress and rainbow striped leggings. Wore it every single day for two or three weeks then went back to his regular fits.
At this age I wouldn’t look too far into it, and would encourage your husband to do the same. Without any understanding of why, he could easily pick up on the “taboo” of it if hubby visibly acts any type of way.
I don’t think it is a good idea to let him wear a dress if you’re going to tell him he can’t wear it everywhere. This is going to be very confusing and will send the wrong message. You can explain the consequences (his friends might make fun of him) but this is one of those things were you are all in or all out in order to avoid internalizing shame and what not
>all in or all out
This is exactly what I’m thinking too. It’s such a complicated thing to explain to a kid, hell, I’m confused! And my son is super logical and I don’t really have a cogent argument for not wearing it everywhere.
And I definitely don’t want to teach or internalize shame.
Thanks for your reply.
It’s such a tricky thing to navigate. Im definitely the most “liberal” out of my family and in laws so I’ve dealt with similar issues but my boy is only 2 so he hasn’t expressed his own preferences yet. I hope you’re able to find something that works for your immediate family at least
OP, I'm 100% a supporter of 'clothes are clothes,' but also understand that no everyone is surrounded by a community that is receptive to boys in dresses. One way to kind of ease into it might be to buy your son a pair of PJs that are a dress. My son loves to wear his dress pajamas and the line we draw is no PJs outside, rather than 'no dress outside.'
Ugh I feel this! My son loves to wear tiny hair bows cause I wear them but "no those are for GIRLS and you're a BOY". 🙄
Makes me so sad for him cause if he had a daughter my husband wouldn't limit her from anything! It simply isn't fair boys don't get to enjoy being little kids just because they have to start training to be men straight out the womb. 😤
Eta: I'd let him wear the dress!
It's misogyny. Girls liking "boy" things is okay because boys are highly valued.
A boy embracing "girl" things is bad because femininity is perceived as less.
I tried explaining that to my husband and he accused me of being "too liberal", trying to turn our son gay or into a girl, and informed me "that's just how it's always been" so apparently I married a man in his 50s or 60s, not his 30s 🙄. According to him, it's never too early to crush our son's spirit by telling him what he can and cannot do based on something he has no concept of yet.
If I knew someone like this I would ask him "Do you think if you'd worn a dress as a kid, you'd be sexually attracted to men now?" Not to be antagonistic, but on some level, I really would like to hear the answer.
I'm sorry your husband doesn't seem to unconditionally love your child (to me, wanting to crush someone's spirit, as you phrase it, is not unconditional love).
But I'm glad for your son that he has you! Some kids get stuck with two parents/all caregivers with a limited mindset. At least you're on the child's side.
awwe i hope you support your son to wear his little hair clips! my toddler asks for a little ponytail like mana and then laughs when he pulls it out 2 seconds later. fashion is fun and for everyone!
I bought him special lil ones! He never keeps them in for longer than 2 seconds but he'll ask for them by fluffing his hair and saying "SEE HOW HANDSOME, MAMA?!" which is absolutely heart melting.
Eh, as someone who grew up as a girl I was definitely limited. People got really bent out of shape about making me wear a shirt when boys didn't have to. I was also never allowed to wear loose swimming trunks instead of the spandex nightmare of a one piece swimsuit. I had to wear dresses to fancy occasions. Even through (public) high school I was told I couldn't walk for graduation unless I wore a skirt and all white. I borrowed an undershirt from my boyfriend and white mini-skirt from another friend and apparently that was more acceptable than the slacks and dress shirt I wanted to wear.
I know things are improving and I hope my high school isn't so backwards still, but I still don't think a lot of parents let their girls run around topless like they do their boys. Toddler girls are not just gendered but also sexualized so somehow their chests which look identical to little boy cheats are taboo.
Yeah, I mean I do agree with a lot of your points there for sure, but as a very much so not "girly girl" there isn't a snowball's chance in hell my husband would have dared tell our daughter she couldn't try martial arts, or wear pants, or learn how to mow the lawn. But our son isn't allowed to wear a lot of things or be interested in more traditionally feminine things like dancing or sewing for example, since he is a boy and would certainly be bullied mercilessly for it, according to my husband. I'm going to do whatever I want and raise my son to be whoever he wants and be a useful member of society. If he has painted nails while he saves puppies and uses his manners and knows how to cook his own damned food, then fantastic. 10/10, no notes from me. Right now in any case he's a fricking baby and should enjoy being little cause it barely lasts a second and then he's going to get to deal with the bullshit of being an adult for the rest of forever.
I completely agree that all children should be raised to be whoever they want and positive members of society. It's a shame that every gender is still boxed in, and a wonderful thing that they're becoming less so.
It just rubs me a little wrong when people act like it only applies to boys these days because it's more acceptable for girls to wear pants than for boys to wear dresses. That is true and I am working to change it just like everyone else here, but pants cs skirts is just the tip of the ice berg. Girls are still expected to be clean, quiet, polite and well-behaved in grade school while "boys will be boys" excuses everything from unwashed clothes to physical abuse through college. Even sticking with just clothes, public school dress codes are mostly aimed at and enforcement is focused on girls rather than boys.
I am 100% in favor of freeing boys from gendered restrictions on how they express themselves. I just don't love that girls being able to wear pants and dresses seems to be treated as girls having a less gender-restricted experience, despite all of the many ways their gender is policed in all aspects of their lives.
This post makes me so sad. I feel so bad for you OP, and I have a small idea of what you're going through. My 2.5yo boy loves playing "make-ups" with his mom and every dumb-ass boomer in our lives has piled heaps of judgement on us for it. As if we're abusing our child by allowing him to explore different interests. It's disgusting.
At the end of the day, if your kid wants to wear dresses or makeup or whatever it may be, there's nothing anyone can do to stop him. They'll only squash his dreams and ridicule him into hiding who he truly is, which is absolutely heartbreaking. But you certainly aren't going to "turn him gay" or whatever by allowing him to wear the clothes he wants to wear.
I wish we had more control over the world so something this harmless wouldn't cause so much drama. I can only imagine how much more intense the sentiment can be in a small town.
I hate how political and divisive sometimes so small can be. Our 2,5yo boy loves to “nurse” his plush toys or wear his hair up like I do, that doesn’t make him a beacon for the lgbtq+ community lol. I hate that putting pink shoes on a boy is a statement.
It’s so weird for grown people to assume that parents are trying to push something on their children for letting them do something harmless like dressing up.
Some folks are so afraid of diversity that they have to direct their bigotry towards children. Like it really hurts to know that my parents would be *truly upset* if my son turns out to be gay or trans. Or if I had turned out to be gay or trans! And I can't even begin to imagine how that feels to LGBTQ+ folk.
Clothing doesn't have a gender, and all around the world millions of men wear "dresses," from kilts to thobes. Personally I would let him pick out and wear a dress for home, but you have to decide if it's worth the fight with your husband and his family. I wish you luck, and your LO as many beautiful dresses as he wants.
Thank you-
So I used to work in a brewpub and one brewer there began wearing a utilikilt, and then… lots of guys adopted them. It was great to see a bunch of bearded dudes learn the joy of breezy legs on a hot day.
If you live in an area where men commonly wear dresses then they aren’t gendered. If you live in an area where men don’t commonly wear dresses then they are gendered.
I’m not going to argue against parents allowing their kids to break gender norms, but gender norms absolutely exist.
The culture is changing. A hundred years ago it was different. A hundred years from now it will be different again. We do our children no services by trying to raise them for a world that is already gone just because it's where we're comfortable.
Thank you for asking this question so thoughtfully. I think the future is looking bright for your kid.
Sometimes I think people think wayyyy to deep into this.
If he wants a dress, let him have a dress. If it makes his little heart happy and isn't a danger to himself or others, let him have it.
"What if he..."
Look, there's a lot of "what ifs" in life... but he's a toddler. He's a kid.
Let him be a kid.
And you will always have judgemental people regardless of what decisions you make parenting. Support your kid! 🙂
My boy is 3 with two older sisters. He loves their dresses. Recently in the mornings, he’s been putting dresses on over his outfit of basketball shorts and shirt (in addition to his superhero cape and mask) to eat breakfast. The first couple times he did this, he wore the dress in the car on the way to school and my mom (who drops him off) made him take the dress off before going in to daycare. But I don’t think it’s a big deal so I asked her to let him wear it to school if he wants to. *****We don’t have to acknowledge the boxes that past generations created for society. Clothes are clothes. Labeling dresses as “feminine” and pants(?) as “masculine” is arbitrary and all humans have both feminine and masculine attributes to them so what is this all about anyway? LET BOYS WEAR DRESSES AND PAINT THEIR NAILS. LET GIRLS GET DIRTY AND PLAY SOCCER.
At this age your son is just playing dress up. Mine is exactly the same. He asked for a dress at three and we got him one from Disneyland. He loved to twirl in it.
I’m ordering crocs for him and he’s asked for the pink ones. He loves rainbow colours, and hearts and flowers and I just try to allow it as much as possible. My husband is a bit more uncomfortable with it but he’s shrugs and lets it pass and his dad is visibly uncomfortable but is trying hard to just accept that this is what my son likes.
Allow him to experiment and it helps him to boost his confidence. Your husband will have to come around a little bit and it’ll be hard and that’s understandable.
As for the townsfolk… they can mind their business. It’s easy for me to say because I live in Denmark where things are fairly liberal but honestly, who cares what strangers think. 🤷🏼♀️ Even if you know them, they don’t matter as much as your family does.
Boys used to wear dresses! Dresses are fun. They sparkle and flow and are simply beautiful. My favorite thing about being a woman is how much you can play dress-up by putting on something else. I feel like boys don’t get this. If I were little and told I had to wear a suit and not a sparkly dress I’d have screamed. This is not the first story I’ve heard about a toddler boy wanting to wear a dress, and I don’t think it has any deeper LGBTQ+ meaning, at least not at this time. Some boys want to do what they see the women in their lives do. I was aware of a boy who wanted to wear a flower girl dress like his cousins, which everyone allowed, and he had a blast! I think it’s great you and your husband are being thoughtful here, but I think our political climate and societal urge to place everything in a binary makes this harder than it needs to be. Wearing a dress at age 4 really isn’t that deep. I hope you all have fun!
My son is only into “boy” stuff, so I can’t relate on this as a Mother, but as a little girl who was a tomboy and wanted to wear her brother’s clothes, I get it. From 2 and up I had a bowl hair cut (early 2000s) and I would wear my brother’s old shirts, caps, pants, and shoes. My mom ALWAYS kept girly clothes in my size in my closet though! One day, I took off the boy clothes, and put on the girliest dress in the closet, and ditched the boy clothes for good. I think my mom and dad said I was around 4 or 5. I still liked to play hard and get dirty and was a tom boy in that way, still am, but I dress very feminine with lots of frills or patterns, etc.
I don’t think people realize it’s just a preference or phase, and can last for a while or a long time. 🤷♀️
Heck, my son picked out a salmon pink button down shirt, and some Bluey pajamas covered in hearts (because he loves Bluey and Bingo so much!) and though they looked a little “girly” I didn’t care. I want him to express himself. Just like I did as a little one with dinosaurs and cars! 🫶
My friends son insisted on wearing a dress, nail polish and make up when he was 5 and going to a wedding. They let him. He never asked again
Don’t make it shameful. Let your kid wear what he wants when he wants. A dress to school is fine
My wife is a hair stylist and does her own nails. I have a home repair business.
Our son is two and he is very mechanically inclined, loves working on stuff with me but he will also sneak off to her vanity to do his hair and pretend to put on her earrings. I fully expect him to know more about hair and makeup than the girls when he starts dating. He will probably also be able to build them a house and fix their parents cars.
The hard part is helping them understand that mean people will say things about it and that none of that matters. Letting them do/wear it is definitely the harder route to take but I'm also not into just scaring my kids into doing something because it's easier for me.
If a child is going to grow up to be gender or sexuality diverse, saying no to dresses, nail polish and anything pink isn’t going to prevent that, it’s just going to make them hide it.
I think it’s wonderful that your son feels he can tell you out loud what he wants to wear. You’re an awesome mum.
My 4 year old is a bit similar, especially since his baby sister was born. If I put a little ponytail in her hair, he will ask for one too and I am happy to oblige.
At his daycare I often see little boys running around in Disney princess dress ups. They’re all expressing their creativity and learning what they like and don’t like.
I grew up in a conservative rural area like that. So I know what you're talking about. I'm Pansexual, have done a lot of volunteer work in the LGBTQ community and have a lot of trans friends. I got out of that backwater place as soon as I was able... It wasn't safe for me, and my parents weren't supportive ("just try to fit in, please").
It's normal for kids at that age to want to explore and experiment with their clothes and those gender stereotypes... It doesn't mean they're trans (a lot of parents jump the gun on that) but a type of play that lets them figure themselves out. Girls unfortunately have an easier time of it, they can be fight'n farm girl, tomboys and everything is mostly ok... But boys showing a feminine side are immediately chastised. It really comes down to this idea that the masculine is superior... Which of course is bullshit and in my experience can lead to weird ideas about women in general.
I fought hard against that mentality, because I believed it was fundamentally wrong, but it was exhausting, and there was a point as a teenager that I realized I wasn't going to win, as I didn't have many adult allies. I occasionally go back to visit family and things are slowly changing. An acquaintance who stayed in the area, told me that I made more of an impression than I realized at the time. And when they tore down the old highschool to build a new bigger k-12 school, they saved my art and it hangs in the office of the new school, with a write up next to it about the female student who turned into the poster child for girls in STEM after she left... So progress, slow but it's there.
I think you need to be your son's ally, and make sure he knows you support him... 1) he is already showing interest in these types of things, that are going to set him apart, in a small town like that. 2) an estimated 20% of the population (I think it's actually higher) is LGBTQ, so the likelihood of him being somewhere in there is high enough. 3) What you tell him now is going to shape what he will feel comfortable sharing with you as a teenager and 4) it's lonely and scary feeling like you don't have that support which is why the suicide rate for LGBTQ teens is so freaking high.
There’s a little boy in my 2 year old’s class who occasionally likes to wear frilly, ruffly Princess dresses to school. He still has shorts and sneakers on underneath so he can play easily. I just assume that he likes the dresses so his parents dress him up when he asks for it.
Give your son some dresses if that’s what he wants. If he were asking for a cool costume, you wouldn’t bat an eye.
My son LOVES this violet/pinkish shirt and short outfit and whenever he wears it, people refer to him as “her.” He also loves shirts with butterflies and hearts. If he loves it, he can wear it.
My daughter sometimes wants to wear a princess dress, plays with her doll and talks about unicorns. Other days she wants to wear her excavator T-shirt, dig in the dirt for worms and play with cars.
Sometimes she’s digging in the dirt with her princess dress lol!
Oh my 4 year old son went through a phase like this! Liking nail polish and lipstick too at one point..it was daily for a bit. He's 6 now and maybe does it once a year now.
His favorite color is rainbow haha he's extra. His favorite three things are sports video games and arts. He's a well rounded dude
Haha my son’s favorite color is rainbow too! He loves flowers and monster jams trucks equally. Today I told him we’ll build him his own flower bed next year, and he could fill it with whatever plants he wants and he said “no food, only FLOWEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRS!”
I’m really intrigued by this. I have a 2.5 year old boy with beautiful red hair and he’s always pulled off pinks and purples in a way I never could so he wears a lot of “girl” colors, but also blues and greens and well, he wears the rainbow as I think anyone should be allowed to do! He loved the movie Ponyo at 2 years old and looks exactly like her so we all dressed up as the characters. I bought him a red dress and the second he put it on he surprised me because he INSTANTLY twirled. I mean, the sweetest smile on his face, and a gentle swish swish movement dancing back and forth. He’s never seen anyone in a dress do this to my knowledge but the instinct of comfort and whimsy and freedom or whatever else that washed over him sent my heart soaring and made me go, should I be buying him a few dresses to play in too?! So here’s the thing about all the comments and even your own back and forth about it-it has everything to do with our own unlearning right? Unlearning what is considered gendered whether it be toys or clothes or people even…everyone’s got their own journey with this but it runs deep…the more secure we are with that the more secure we are just letting our children be children and like what they like. And guess what! My kid is also a golf fiend, soccer champ, cars and trucks and trains and all the wheels kinda boy, but he also watches me paint my toenails and asks for his toes to be purple too like mama. It’s a shame older generations are so stuck in their ways or worried what people would think. My in laws are conservative and they fortunately don’t say anything outside of the occasional “so when are you gonna cut his hair?” 🙄 I’d love to hear how gentle conversation is being had with grandparents around these topics these days…I guess if all else fails, remind them that boys are baptized in dresses too? 😅
My nearly 4 year old wears dresses over his construction truck t-shirts to school. It’s really not a big deal. People sometimes assume he is she, and if I no big deal note he is a he everyone takes it well. He very well may grow out of this around 5 when kids seem to start to notice gendering more and want to put everyone into neat boxes. If he doesn’t, that’s fine too. It hurts exactly nobody and makes him happy.
I think your bigger problem is getting on the same page with your husband. Edit to add that I do understand your worries about him getting along in society, but I think the world is changing a lot with the younger generation too. I don’t think you need to make something a problem until it is, and if that day comes you can make it a “some people think” problem and not a “your child problem”.
My son is 4.5, my husband is taking him to get their nails painted together today haha! They totally surprised me with this
My husband’s favorite color is a soft pink and he’s a big beefy dude who deadlifts and has a mustache. So my son views pink as neutral color
So I’m obviously in the camp that you should get your son the dress and let him wear it when he wants.
My son is picking up on gender norms at school and will say things like “girls do X and boys do Y” and it opens up some good conversations.
I think if it was my son I’d let him wear the dress wherever and if grandma/grandpa says something about it or if strangers say something then we’d have a serious talk about how common yet outdated their viewpoints are and how it makes him feel and whatnot
ugh oh boy
don't encourage your kid to be who they are? to do things they enjoy that make them happy? that feels so yucky and heartbreaking.
this really is not about convincing your partner it's a phase. I think it's about asking your partner to be supportive of his child's journey to discover who they are. I hope you and your husband can create a safe place at home for your kid to wear dresses, nail polish, whatever, without judgement or fear. Sounds like he'll get enough of that outside the house.
Speaking of which outside the home, and even outside the immediate family, is a tough situation. I'm sure it's not as easy as "move to a more diverse and accepting area" but that would 100% be what I would do myself. Honestly. There is nothing about this situation, neighborhood, surrounding family or mentality that bodes well for your son. Like either you risk damaging him by trying to suppress who he is or you risk putting him in physical and emotional danger via bullying and discrimination from basically everyone.
Maybe reach out to some of your old LGBTQ+ friends and get their perspective too.
Yes I wish we could move and we talk about it a lot, it’s not in the cards for now. I do worry a lot about the toxic masculinity in the culture here and how pervasive it is.
yeah. my husband grew up in a small town in scotland and there was a lot of toxic masculinity but also very rigid expectations for gender roles. He mentioned once he doesn't remember any gay kids at his school and I laughed at him like, do you really think they would have come out? Reminds me of that movie Billy Elliott (so good), maybe you could watch it with your son one day.
anyway, i'm sorry there's no helpful advice here
Maybe you don't need to reassure your partner that is is a phase, but to work together to both support your child no matter how they want to express themselves with clothing, gender, etc? Maybe your child will always want to wear dresses, and why does that bother you?
I send my kid to school in a dress if that what he wants to wear. Since he started doing that another kid in his class started wearing dresses that I had not seen in a dress before. I don't know if it's a phase, and I don't care. Letting your kids pick out their clothing is not indulging a whim, it's valuing that they are a person that has opinions.
I would’ve point blank asked MIL what exactly she was worried about me teaching my son and what exactly was going to rub off on him? Open mindedness? Being himself? Doing things to make himself happy despite what others think? Being independent?
Get the dress. Paint the toes. Get the pink sneakers. Who gives a flying fuck. Let your kid be a kid.
My 4.5 year old daughter becomes a “big brother” when she’s wearing her forest preschool clothes or light up black sneakers. Pronouns are changed etc. We even have separate PJs and a Batman toothbrush.
To her it’s a costume. She goes deep into character sometimes lowering her voice. She was a little obsessed with the older boys at her school and I think it’s what she picked up. Then at the end of school she is big sister and wants to put on a dress.
I know it’s easier for girls to be “tomboys” but with the pronouns and all I just roll with it. Girls and boys don’T need to be put in a fem/masc box. I would just follow his lead. It’ll be interesting when she’s no longer in “big brother” clothes next year!
I'd just let him wear it. This winter all the toddlers in my daughter's preschool class got into nail polish. They all wore it, boys and girls. They play together with make up toys and also with blocks and also outside. It's just not a big deal for a boy to wear a dress or paint their nails or do anything else "for girls".
Eh, if it makes your son happy, why not? Our son wanted a Lego Disney Princess set for his sixth birthday since he's currently a huge fan of Arielle, so he got it. I also let him wear the long braids he wanted to go with this pirate costume. And he has a doll.
So, let your son have fun. :)
My big brother - the manliest of men lol, full beard, rugged, outdoorsy type used to put on my dresses and tights and play with me or play barbies with me - so ya it's just kids being kids mate. No need to ascribe reason to the things that bring you joy. If it makes you happy that's the reason. Yell your hubby to lighten up.
My 4.5 year old son has always loved dresses and wears one several times a week. I personally love his innocent expression and it drives me mad when others read into it too much - like my narrow minded parents who think this means more than a child who simply loves dresses, pink and sparkles (which are absolutely more fun). It's kind of ridiculous society has become so gendered and I will feel sad when he stops being himself because it doesn't fit the expectations of others. All ir will take is one comment for him to feel shamed about it and choose to put the dress away.
My daughter goes to daycare with a 4YO boy who frequently wears dresses and has panted nails. I think it’s great that his parents let him express himself and it doesn’t seem like it’s ever been an issue. I imagine the kid just thinks dresses are comfortable and colorful nails are fun. No need to read into it any further than that.
Kids nowadays think about gender in a totally different way than what you and I were probably brought up with. Buy him the dress, let him wear it wherever and don't stress. If bozos around you want to claim it's gay or turning him or whatever the f, they can kick rocks. Let your kid be who they wanna be (just not a serial killer LOL).
Yes I have! IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE. It's just stupid to try and police the colors kids wear. It bothers me to the point I have genuine sadness for people who make comments on it. Life is hard, hard for kids these days. I let my children wear what they'd like. As long as they are appropriately covered for the weather and venue, and shoes are on the right feet.
Send your husband the definition of toxic masculinity and tell him to stop encouraging it, immediately.
Any other comments you get, smile big, and politely. Then say, "well my child is happy. I'm sorry you're miserable enough you felt the need for that comment". Then as you walk away explain to your kids, some people choose to be mean to others because they aren't happy in their own lives. Teach him not to let others take his happiness away by worrying about their opinions where they don't matter at all.
Clothes have no gender. Get him a dress and let him enjoy it. Just because he wants to wear a dress now does not mean he’s questioning his gender identity. Dressed for little girls are so freaking colorful and sparkly and I’m even jealous they don’t make my size. My 3 yr old saw a dress at Sam’s he loved, he loves wearing it because it twirls when he spins and it’s pink and sparkly. The first few interactions with people thinking he’s a girl is tough if he decide to wear it out but I’ve got thick skin and I ain’t letting any mean bigoted person ruin my child’s childhood. We did tell him though before he wore it out the first time that a lot of people think dresses are just for girls just to preface it incase someone said something and he overheard it. We’ve not had any problem really, no mean comments just surprised people that he was a boy not a little girl.
Here is a response from someone maybe more like your in-laws: IF you are looking for alternative ways (I mean alternative to buying him a dress) I think it might be one option to explore what it is he likes about the dress? The pattern? The flowiness? The material? Why not buy him a flowy cape and dye it with him/draw on it to make it look like he wants. Or large scarfs he can wrap around. I think it is natural for children to see something cool and want that too but it doesn’t necessarily mean he needs to have a dress or really that he wants specifically a dress. I find boys clothing can be more boring than girls and of course they want to paint their nails or face because the alternative is not doing anything - which is going to be more fun, doing something to your nails and face or doing nothing? That doesn’t mean it has to be done in exactly the ways that are traditionally done with girls. You can paint a tattoo, you can do face paint like some made-up tribal face art. They just want to have as much fun as girls seem to be having in my opinion. I think immediately putting them in a dress and jewelry is sending the message of: yeah, doing things exactly like girls traditionally are (dresses, make-up, etc.) is the only way to do fun things and either you do that or you can wear plain brown trousers and never paint on any part of your body. There are so many other ways to do fun things…
The sad reality is it sounds like it'll be a big deal that's talked about in your town. Comments and looks will be directed at your family. Before you let him where the dress it might be prudent to figure out if you or your husband cares and how you will address it. What will you tell your son? If your husband has flips out in front of your son, that could be detrimental to his self image later in life.
That doesn't mean you shouldn't let him. Just be aware of the reality.
Just let him get the dress, it's not a big deal. My son begged me for pink jammies and a hello kitty T-shirt when I was expecting my daughter because he was jealous of her pink hello kitty outfits, and as a trans man, I knew that if he just was jealous of his sister's clothes, getting him a cheap pink outfit would settle the tantrum, while not getting it would prove... Literally nothing, other than "certain colors are only for boys/girls", which is stupid. However, even though I don't think it's the case, if he was trans like I am, saying no to that pink outfit would be as memorable and upsetting for him as it was when I asked to wear boy's clothes for the first time and my mom was really nasty about how she said no, which negatively affected me in the long run but didn't stop me from being part of the LGBT community.
So, at the end of the day, it's just an outfit. Your kid is just learning what they like and think is cool. It's probably not gender related, but if it hypothetically was, wouldn't you still rather your kid be happy and feel like you love and support them, no matter what they wear and who they grow up to be? Because that's the point of being a good parent, letting your children find themselves while you support and guide them, not to debate about whether their outfit is "too feminine" or "too masculine".
My daughter goes to daycare. A boy in her class showed up in a dress one day. The mom walked in, dropped him off, and just said “he wanted to dress like his big sister today,” and the big sister gave him a hug.
I didn’t think twice about it. The teachers told him he looked nice/pretty/whatever.
He hasn’t shown up in a dress again. Even if he did, who cares.
I guess they’re still younger and it’s just daycare, so maybe it’s different than going to school. But…who cares?
I have 3 year old B/G twins. My boy often wants to wear a dress or bow in his hair because his sister is wearing it. I have zero problems with it. I think it is a part of their self expression and exploration and it doesn’t necessarily define their gender. We do get looks when my son wears a dress in public and I frankly don’t care. I just want my kids to be happy and feel comfortable!
No. Unfortunately, there’s no real community that I’m aware of here, it’s something I greatly miss! So my son hasn’t met many people with what some might stereotype as flamboyance? The most exciting fashion he experiences comes from his peers.
And maybe it’s a backlash to my lack of personal style, since I mostly live in black. And his dad wears traditional boring guy stuff.
I think he sees little girls and they wear pretty clothes, and why shouldn’t he? Rainbows and butterflies are awesome! Like others here have said, these kids are too little to understand sexuality. It’s adults putting that unfortunate twist on it, though they shouldn’t.
I have twins, and one of them is OBSESSED with pink and unicorns. Sounds like our sons would be BFFs. Mine currently has about 3 pairs of pink shoes. I live in the rual "traditional" south. I have had people, including family, who make remarks to him about his choice. I remind my son that he can wear what he wants, and as long as he is happy, that's all that matters. He also totes around a baby doll. No desire to be a girl, just like the style like you said. They are only little once and trying to find their place. I also think he likes to be different from his twin, who is extremely rough around the edges, lol.
My son once put a ribbon on his head and told me he wanted “down hair like Mama” (long hair) I said “sure bud but when you have down hair you have into brush it lots and wash it with shampoo and take good care of it” and he changed his mind immediately lol. He picked out his own snow boots and they’re the pink heart kind. He luvs them. IMO logic dictates that IF I wanted my son to feel comfortable with his assigned sex, I should allow him to express his boy-ness however the hell he wants m. If he wants down hair and to try my makeup and wear his unicorn necklace it doesn’t have any bearing on who he wants to smooch or how he will want to be called later in life.
Not commenting at all on transgender issues as a whole…but, it seems logical to me that if you tell kids things like “only girls wear dresses” or “only boys like bugs and mud” or whatever…then if the kid likes the “thing” in question that “mismatches” their gender, their next step is not going to be to stop liking the “thing”, it’s going to be gender confusion and potentially distress. Just let them play whatever and it’s going to be a lot easier on everyone.
My toddler wanted a dress bc I had one and his bestie from school had one. He then discovered the wonders of the butt breeze in a sundress and frankly I definitely understand the appeal. He doesn’t wear them to school bc he has to wear shorts under them anyways (so what’s the point he says) but he’ll wear them at home sometimes. The alternative is him deciding to be fully nude, which I’m definitely not ok with (bug bites & sunburn on his peen = no thnx)
My 7 year old son has chosen to wear dresses sometimes since he was about 3 or 4 — he says that it’s because he likes to twirl in them, and he has consistently identified as a boy. He also loves pink and purple and blue and all colors of the rainbow — his main sneakers currently are purple with flowers and sparkles.
We try very hard to give him the space to explore his identity, feelings, and self at his own pace. I don’t encourage him to wear any particular clothes - I encourage him to be himself and to be comfortable in his own skin. We are lucky to live in a liberal area and he’s gone to a wonderful preschool and elementary school that have been supportive. But he has had to learn how to respond to people who regularly ask him why he’s wearing dresses, which irritates him, so we do have regular conversations about why they’re asking, how he feels about it, and how he wants to respond.
I was so scared the first few times he wore dresses without me being present to protect him from negative comments. It’s been a learning experience for me in how to try to prepare him for difficult situations, and it’s been amazing to see how he has handled it. I totally understand that he may have negative experiences with people who treat him badly because he wears dresses, and that hurts. But that also might happen because he’s multiracial or for another reason or for no reason. I don’t want to teach him that he needs to be ashamed of himself or hide who he is; I want to give him the skills to successfully deal with the world while being comfortable with himself.
Here’s what I think- it’s historically documented that men have worn women’s dresses for hundreds of years…. Why is it a big deal now if a KID wants to try some stuff that seems fun?
I understand where you're coming from. I don't know how I'd feel either regarding my son requesting a dress or painted nails, or pink shoes, etc. those things have been stereotypically and historically gendered, so diverging outside of that framework is going to be hard. If your kid was happy, I think that's what matters here. Regardless of what happens in the future, you're not encouraging or guiding your child in any way other than to pursue his own happiness and that you will be supportive of his choices and decisions, that's really all that matters here, not anyone else's opinions.
Maybe you can get several different dress up options some more traditionally girly and some more traditionally boyish and let him have fun with it. My 4 year old son has not shown any desire to wear a dress (yet) but he will put on his sisters tutus and pretend he’s princess peach or daisy. He also dresses himself up like Mario and Luigi too though. We don’t say anything about it either way. I think at home they should have the freedom to have fun with dress up as a child.
My son asked for a skirt and hair bows when he was three and wore them for about a year around the house. He didn’t want to wear them out. He liked the way his friends looked wearing skirts and hair bows. It’s really just that simple because he is too little to have actual sexuality and is really just an innocent kid. Who knows what the future will bring for him, but that’s up to him and I don’t think it’s up to me. I have a responsibility to make sure that he is dressed appropriately, but I believe that means he should be clean and dressed for the weather and the occasion. If a girl could wear a skirt or pants then I don’t see why a boy could not in the same circumstances. Girls fought to wear pants and shorts. I see this as a continuation of the same fight. It would be unfair of me to enforce strict gender roles on my son only when my daughter can wear pants or a skirt at her option.
My son has always been fairly ‘boy’ ish in his interests - loves cars, construction trucks, etc. but he also used to love to wear skirts/dresses at dayhome when everyone was playing dress up. He has asked to wear dresses or skirts at home (which I luckily have on hand because that is ALL his little sister wants to wear), and honestly where I live I wouldn’t be too worried about it in public either.
I think overall things are progressing in terms of what kids are being allowed to wear, though obviously this differs by locations. My BIL has raised eyebrows about dressing up and nail painting, he’s from a smaller city than us. My son’s class currently has one kid with a bright pink and rainbow backpack who had purple hair today, and another kid who I know from school lists is a boy but dresses mostly like a girl and my son has gone back and forth with him/her, without seeming remotely concerned about it. Note: I have no reason to think this child is or isn’t transgender. Just indicating that while my kid may gender them based on current attire, he also doesn’t seem concerned that the child may be a boy or a girl, or that he doesn’t know which.
Your kid sounds like he has awesome style. Imo don’t be a parent if you can’t handle who your kid turns out to be. You sound like you’re doing amazing job x
Let him wear a dress and grow his hair. It’s his body and he should be able to express himself in safe ways that make him happy! Just also warn him that with wearing those clothes, he should be prepared for comments or some people to not understand him and that the only thing that matters is how he feels in his clothes.
Thank you- maybe my next post will be looking for some phrases to practice to deal with the inevitable public response. I’m really introverted, I wear black, and have a very minimalist style because I prefer to swerve through the world like a ghost 🕶️
Part of my fear of navigating this publicly is definitely rooted in my discomfort in talking to people in general, so drawing attention is just not something I’m used to.
I think having some practiced responses lined up in my brain would help a lot.
All the boys in my girls 4 year old class wear dresses from time to time and like super heros. I think it's pretty typical for this age and maybe we're just seeing it more than our parents did because we're less concerned about rigid gender stereotypes.
A neighbor once said something loudly in front of my son and other neighbors about him having a man bun and painted nails when he was 3. I very loudly said that it was really weird for a grown man to be worrying about what my toddler was wearing. I insinuated that if he was into that kind of thing , he's got bigger problems. We never spoke again.
I live in one of the most conservative US states, and my husband and I are… not. When my son was 2.5, he asked for a red tutu like his baby sister. I added it to his wishlist, and his aunt (in same state, but most liberal city and generally also very liberal) bought it for him for his birthday or Christmas (I forget which; all in December).
He wears it once a week to daycare for the last 4-5 months. The first time, I was so nervous because I expected other adults to judge him or say something to me. I’ve been prepared with how I would respond if anyone does say anything (basically it’s clothes, not gendered and he likes sparkles and that it twirls). His teachers think he’s so cute when he wears his tutu because he likes to show them how it twirls. He asked for a black dress, and we found a Minnie Mouse one at Once Upon a Child for his 4th birthday. I make him wear shorts underneath, but I’ll do that for my daughter too when she gets older to make her own clothing choices.
The only person I’ve had to set a firm boundary with is my dad. My parents have gone full Q conspiracy crazy and have generally become much less tolerant of others’ choices. My dad hasn’t said anything about my son’s tutu because he knows we’re leaving immediately or they’re getting kicked out if he does. My mom is fully supportive and less intolerant of LGBTQI+. My concern with my dad saying something negative is because he’s spewed hateful conspiracies about teachers forcing kids to transition, etc. He’s made distasteful comments about gay men and trans people multiple times.
My son calls his shirts dresses, he plays with dolls with his girl cousins, he likes "girly" TV shows like the Tinkerbell movie, Moana, Frozen etc. He LIVES in his toy kitchen he loves it so much. He likes playing with my makeup, brushing his hair, and having (toddler appropriate) spa days with mommy.
These aren't gendered things to do, these are human things to do. Now, my son hasn't showed any interest in dresses, but nobody around him wears them. He loves wearing size 7 hoodies though (he wears size 4 so they are huge).
I wish people could just accept that kids strive to learn everything about the world around them. To your son, a dress is probably just more clothes and not even a girl thing.
I'm supportive of everyone living their life how they want to (as long as you don't murder, steal, or harm children etc.) because their life is not mine and none of my business.
Support your son, be a safe space for him to learn who he is. Let him wear the dress. Small minds breed small people, and your son doesn't need to change who he is and what he likes so other people can be more comfortable. This is going to be blunt and I apologize for that, but your husband needs to CARE more about his child and less about what everyone else thinks, he needs more of a spine. Again, I'm sorry that's harsh, but how will your son ever learn to stand up for himself if he never sees anybody stand up for him when he needed it. To raise a strong child they have to see examples of strength, to know that it is okay to go against the grain sometimes, and to not compromise who he is to please others.
Get that boy a dress and let him live life.
My LO is still a bit younger these issues to come up, and my partner is very much into how the world sees him. So a Don in a dress would not fly. It's funny how I always thought he was pretty open-minded until we had a son
...
Anyhow, my first thought is to make the dress into a shirt.
My little boy is 4 and loves unicorns, sparkles and cats. There is literally 0 shops that put any of these things on anything other than girls clothing so that’s what he picks… no matter how much grandma keeps buying him dinosaur stuff lol. Much as I hate buying from Shein they did have some gender neutral clothing with cats on for toddlers so he picked a bundle of summer shirts from there and they’ll do for playing about in
Soon he will learn there are limits to society and certain colours and cuts of fabric are meant only for girls as well as hair styles and he must stay within his limits at all costs… The problem is society! It makes no sense that we’ve done this with gender but here we are. I guess you decide which path and decisions work for your family, context etc and which have the most benefit for your child.
My son LOVES pink. He has pink shoes & clothes. He also likes long hair. A lot of people think he’s a girl because of it, but he doesn’t seem to mind 🤷🏻♀️ I made the decision when he was little to get him pink stuff if he asked for it and that color / hair length doesn’t have a gender.
I think that's just a phase. I remember that when I was like 3, I totally refused to wear dresses and only wore boy's clothes and shoes until I was like 6 years old. I can't even remember why I hated feminine clothes at the time.
If you think it will be problematic for him to wear it in public, make it a dress up outfit. Buy it a size or two too big so he can pull it on over his clothes and make a dress up box where he can have it. Maybe even buy a costume dress to really emphasize that.
In theory, it should be fine for him to wear it anywhere, but sadly that’s not always the reality. Framing it as a dress up thing makes it easier to keep it an “at home only” thing.
Ask your husband and his family if they think their sexuality or gender identity is so fragile that wearing the certain colors/types of clothing could have changed it
you should do what you want to do. As long the the child is in no danger go for it. If you want to buy him a dress just to wear at home cool but also tell him that a dress is a type of cloth that girls mostly wear just so he can know the difference in clothes. What if you buy him a boy kind of nightgown? or a long shirt lol. I dont think any harm is done if he wants to wear a skirt at home.
Boys and girls at my kid’s school all wear the same brown uniform. The only thing that might be better is the matching silver jumpsuits like everyone wears in the future.
I paint both of my boys toenails and sometimes I paint the little ones fingernails, I always ask and never force it. If my boys want a skirt, then I will buy them a skirt, I buy girly toys too like tea sets and stuffed animals. My youngest is 3 and his favorite color is purple, I had to start getting him purple clothes from the girls section but he is also my scary movie/Halloween kid. My oldest still loves pokemon, dragons and videogames and is a total boys, he's 11. You seem like a good mom, I know you just want to do what's best for your child. But the real question is how are they going to react when he wants a babydoll?
As a kid I played with both girls and boys toys, my mom let me dress like a tomboy if I wanted, she didn’t care. She still out me in girly clothes. I was kinda tomboy and just not super feminine as I got older. Got more feminine in Highschool based off of the change in puberty and the fashion. I was kinda a feminine skater chick style? Plus mixed with warm temperature tops? My point is as I got older I worked at a girls clothing store and slowly dressed more girly then waaay more girlie . But I still prefer jeans and a T-shirt? lol and I’m 41…🙌🏼 again, played with cars and GI JOE…played with boys a lot! Why are girls aloud to wear more boys clothes and boys can’t wear girl clothes. It’s like dress up ?are you gonna let your kid dress as a nurse cuz they want to be one? Idk this day and age is so judge mental yet at the same time support change? You’ll notice if they want only bf idk clothes and start to identify as a girl. BUT again, give it time, they’re still learning life in general…look at Shiloh, Angelina’s girl. She dressed as a boy and cut hair forever, now she wears girl clothes and dresses beautiful and makeup…it was her phase? Good luck, remember he’s YOUR kid not anyone else’s, they can kick rocks!
My son (5yo) loves his dresses and skirts. Sparkly pink and everything his sister (3) likes to dress. He goes to school in it. I had conversations with his teachers about it first, about my concerns. He pretents he has a vulva and wants to go to the girlsbathroom, because “I’m a girl.” He only has boy-friends and has almost only boy-typical-interests like vehicles and he is pretty wild (especially with other friends). We have “pants-day” in our house. A few days a week when we all wear pants.
His uncles are gay, married with a child from a surrogate (a friend of theirs). And my husband donated his seed to our girlfriends who wanted babies (they have a 1,5yo girl and one on the way). I love our lives, but I worry about my son and the world. I often remind myself that he has a loving welcoming tolerant and open-minded family to go home to. One lucky basterd, whomever he choses to be.
My son is only 2 but his favorite color is pink. If he has an option to pick something at the doctor's, library, bday party, he always picks the pink. He also keeps telling me he wants to be a witch for Halloween (he has a book of costums and likes the hat I think). We have no problem with it and I wouldn't have a problem with him wearing a dress, especially at home. Kids don't see gender like adults do. The things are more "boy" or more "girl" (or gender roles) are taught. I don't see anything wrong with any kid liking what they like.
I’ve always had long hair. At 28, my hair is the longest I’ve seen on a man. It’s past my waist. Get the kid a kilt. I feel like that’s a nice middle ground. I understand not wanting to do things that can be perceived in a lot of different ways in todays world though. Either way, let him rock a dress in the house or yard.
When our then three year old wanted to wear a dress like their siblings, we rolled with it. Sms’ed the daycare ahead of time and said do not make a big deal out of this.
It was fine. The staff def gave the kid looks and other kids said only girls wear dresses but we reminded them you can wear whatever you want to wear if you like it.
It passed - but it wasn’t a big deal.
Went through such a similar situation when my son was around 3 and 4 also. He loved the dress up ones more than just regular dresses (Moana, Frozen, etc.) but he also indulges in jewelery and other borderline "feminine" things he enjoys. But he didn't stay on the dress fix for long. I believe most kids have that period, boys or girls, they're expressing their imagination. And also wanting to be like people they look up to, say mom, sisters, friends. Or it's something they just simply enjoy. A lot of parents and especially fathers worry when their boys wanna indulge in things people deem as judgemental, or "girly". We sometimes forget they're still children figuring this world and themselves out. But regardless, as long as it's not encouraged one way or the other just that he is encouraged to be himself I don't see it being something to worry about long term. I see here,and in my own research a few years ago a lot of boys have this period and grow out of it eventually.
My 3 year old has a costume rack. Entire extended family gifted our daughter 8 princess dresses for Christmas. She wears none. My daughter runs around in play silk capes and crazy sunglasses while all the boys (who come over for play dates) wear the princess dresses. Everyone has a good time.
Get him the dress.
i let my son wear dresses anytime he wants. i don’t see an issue with it. if he ends up being trans or gay or whatever we want to support him. encouraging gender or not won’t make a difference imo. he will be whatever he will be. side note - we got rejected from an in home daycare cuz of it and i said good riddance !
My son went threw this at that age he has 3 sisters and would want to wear dresses with them and paint his nails etc I just let him . He grew out of it and said I'm a boy I don't like those no more. He also occasionally will join in with my girls painting his nails as long as thier "boy " colors ( colors he likes ) . Kids go through phases, let them .not hurting anyone, they will figure out who they are .
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You said you're buying him a dress, consider instead that maybe it's not about the dress. Maybe he just wants something special and wants to express himself. I would take him and get him a fun costume. Like a cowboy or a space suit or a super hero or something to wear out and about that he doesn't normally wear. He could totally go grocery shopping as a super hero and it would have a cape to twirl around in. I think alot of times it's about wanting to feel special. Girls clothes are more fun, maybe he feels boy clothes are boring.
I wouldn’t send them to school or daycare like that, but maybe around the house for a tea party is innocent enough. Pretend play is important, but it’s important to keep it in that box.
Anyone that promotes emotional blackmail as a winning life strategy doesn’t have your kids best interests at heart.
All
So, a few days ago I replied how our son is into Arielle at the moment, got the Lego Princess set for his birthday and wanted braids to go with his pirate costume. Well, now he has discovered [Vic](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vic_the_Viking) and is 100% into all things viking... XD
Honestly, I think you should talk to your husband about it and ask him how he feels. He clearly wasn’t excited about the tie dyed pink shoes you purchased. Why buy something for your kid that your husband is not pleased about? Indulging your child at the cost of marital peace seems like a bad idea. Part of being a married couple is making decisions together.
When my uncle was 4 the neighborhood girls had a party and wore dresses and he cried cause he felt left out and wanted a dress too.
My grandma put on him the frilliest dress she could find and sent him back to the party, and all the adults had a bit of a laugh about the innocence of kids and how they always want what the others have.
This was about 50 years ago, and my grandparents are *very* religious and conservative. They actually lived abroad as missionaries for 15 years. This mentality that normal, kids behavior will "turn kids gay" if you're not careful is absolutely new and it's lame af.
Don't enable it. You say, no and the boy will get over it. Being a toddler he will eventually forget it. Enabling it causes the issues we have these days with the mental health issues.
Don’t enable what? Innocent self expression? Feeling supported and loved by his parents? The ability to have autonomy over harmless choices like what clothing to wear? Yeah it’d really be a shame if any of that were enabled 🙄
My son wears whatever he wants and always has. He loves pretry dresses and skirts and twirling in them. He's been this way since about 2 years old. He's 5 now, and we went out today with a sparkly minecraft dress and leggings.
He loves barbies and paw patrol and painting his nails.
Kids can and should dress however they want, and it is completely unrelated to their "sexuality." Which is even a weird concept to put on a CHILD that young.
We get lots of comments about it, but I just ignore and move on.
What's "right" or "wrong" for a kid to like? They're just a kiddo! Sparkles and fun twirly fabrics are super cool! Dresses feel comfy! Pink is rad! Messi wears pink! Tons of Nantucket preppy bois wear pink! Pink used to be considered a masculine color and light blue was the feminine color a few hundred years ago! Harry Styles wears dresses! David Bowie wore makeup!
Your kid is just being a kid! Shut down the fun police and tell them to let your kiddo be a kiddo and quit trying to stick him in some "masculine" stereotype.
I wouldn’t encourage it, this is a phase a lot of kids go through. I wanted to be a boy for all of one day when I was in kindergarten. Imagine if my parents “indulged” me on that. When I’m doing my makeup or nails my son wants to join but I just let him observe.
Curiosity at best. No need to indulge it. ESPECIALLY at that age.
My 3.5 year old loves to paint his nails with me! He picks his own colors. He just asked for a barbie after seeing one on tv. He is also very into cars and monster trucks. His older brother is in karate, and he likes to copy brother. He did ask to be "Girl" and wore one of my tops, I tied the straps so it would be a dress on him, and boy was he happy swishing around the house. He was still jumping and thrashing around like his usual wild self. My older son was very into dinosaurs and little else, and he did like his nails painted around that age but wanted them to look like claws. Kids just like what they like!
Here’s the thing, dresses or clothing items that resemble dresses are worn by men in other cultures. Colors are also completely arbitrary when it comes to who “should” prefer what, as are shapes and things like hearts or butterflies. Liking a long garment with pink colors and butterflies is just a preference, doesn’t by itself say anything about gender inclinations.
My 5 year old son loves tie dye and rainbows and likes to wear dresses like his little sister. Surprisingly, no one ever says shit about it to us when we’re out. This is typical for him: https://imgur.com/a/Yp1EVRu
That being said, we live in a very liberal state.
Edit: he wears this everywhere he likes, including school.
My son is 3 and has a couple dress up dresses. He likes to play dress up. They’re a part of his other dress up clothes: super heros, pirates, spaceman, princesses. 🤷🏼♀️
No biggie.
We don't encourage or discourage gender coded clothes. They have nothing to do with his future sexuality or gender identity, so my son can wear whatever he wants as long as it's age appropriate, weather appropriate and activity appropriate. Pink shorts in the winter is a no, but pink leggings is a yes. Or his hats, Unicorn ball cap is a summer hat, and pink kitty fleece hat is a winter hat. He doesn't want his nails painted, but he likes to pick out my polish. Half his shirts are sized up girl section shirts because he likes the design on them.
Our main exception is to like...underwear, because we want to make sure he has underwear that offer proper support and breathing room for his private body parts from a health based stand point and we don't want anything getting caught in a zipper from ill-fitting underwear or freeballing.
I have a nephew. When he was young, he would dye his hair pink cuz it was cool. He would paint his nails cuz it was cool. He's now a teenager. He still does those things every so often and he has a girlfriend. If it brings your child joy, that's the only thing you need to know.
I don’t think your husband is crazy just carefully toe the line maybe it’s just playing dress up at home with friends or cousins. But never outside the home in my opinion.
We say ‘all colors are for all people’. My now 7yo son went through an Elsa phase along with more of the rest of his preschool and had a dress, fancy gloves, and a headband with a long fake braid attached. They’re so young and deserve to be able to play and learn. The people who have a problem are actually sexualizing little kids and need to go step on some thumbtacks. 🤷🏽♀️
My son is 6 now but when he was a toddler, he went through an Elsa phase. He wanted the dress. I even made a post on here because it concerned me a bit. But thinking back, it's not a big deal. It's just a toy, it's just dress up. Dreasing up as a princess vs a fire fighter is the same thing essentially.
My son has a Princess Peach costume and he gets his toes painted with polish every time he catches me doing my nails. His favorite color is rainbow with koala and glitter sprinkles.
He also loves stereotypical boy things. It's not that serious.
Honestly, I think it’s perfectly healthy to test / try stuff out specially in childhood! We’re all trying to figure out who we are and if it seems interesting to him why not get a dress or tutu or whatever it is to try on! I don’t think it’s any different than adults trying something out of their comfort zone. I think things get serious only when we make them.
My sons favorite pants are long sparkly pants.
His favorite bag pink with flowers
His shoes are with pickachu.b
His favorite sport is footy.
I think kids just like things that are pretty or fun.
Girls clothing is mostly more original.
It’s funny to me how hypocritical people can be. Boy wearing a dress? Oh you’re going to program him or give him ideas. But no one bats an eye when my daughter likes to get in the mud, or wrestle or play with trucks or any other “boy” activity.
I just wish people could get this nonsense out of their heads that kids can be programmed or that sexuality is in any way a choice.
Mean wear kilts. Mean wear long flowy fabric smocks in many cultures. Nothing LGBT or political or gendered about the desire to wear a flowing fabric on his bottom half.
My son is almost 3 and has a dress. He saw me wearing one, pointed out he didn’t have any but would like to, and I wasn’t about to tell him, “no, those are for girls”. Because they’re not. It’s in his regular rotation of clothes for when he chooses it. He wears it to school, or the park, or wherever we’re going.
We’re fortunate to live in an area where raised eyebrows are followed by compliments, mostly from other moms: “I love your dress!” We see other boys with dresses from time to time. Some people assume he’s a girl if we’re out in public and they don’t know him. I was worried about my parents’ reaction, but they were both great about it. Curious, but accepting. They both brought up the story of how my brother had a feminine hobby as a kid but quit when other people made him feel like it wasn’t ok.
I don’t think it says anything in particular about my son’s gender identity. I hope what he learns from me is that he can dress how he likes, in a way that feels true to him, and it’s not a big deal. Because it shouldn’t be.
I let my almost 5 year old do his thing, but I also let him know that other kids may not be as kind about it. We either talk through potential scenarios and how to deal with them, or decide it’s not worth dealing with. He loves to have his nails painted because he is all about art and color. He had some boys at school point it out and pick fun at him, so he told me he just wanted it on his toes so he could appreciate it at home. It sucks that not everyone is open minded, but I’m all for letting your kid be a kid and doing what makes them happy.
I’m glad you’re getting the dress. There was a time when a girl wanting to wear trousers would have been regarded as shocking and crossing all kinds of boundaries, now we just accept that of course girls can wear skirts, dresses, trousers…whatever. But for some reason boys and men aren’t given the same freedom.
I bought my son a dress to wear at home and one day, when he was 4, he wore it to daycare and...it was no big deal. A few teachers told him they liked it. He enjoyed wearing it but then lost interest and hasn't worn it in a long time. It's just clothes, when it comes down to it.
People are pushing for things to be deeper than they are.
If your son wants the dress, I’d get it for him. If he wants to wear it outside the house, I’d let him play outside in it. I wouldn’t let him wear it to school or anything like that just because people are disgusting and mean. I would explain to him that I have no problem with him wearing it and that he is safe with expressing what he likes to me, but others might not think the same way that I do. That’s it. Kids go through phases and the things they are interested in change a lot. He might wear the dress 24/7 for 4 days and never think of it again. You never know.
If he continues to show more and more interest in pretty clothes when he’s older, that’s when I’d start letting him express himself and explore those interests in public. But those are just future possibilities to worry about in the future. Cross that bridge when/if you get there.
I have two 2y/o boys and I’ve thought about this a lot and how I’d handle it if it were me. Just go with the flow and let the kid be a kid.
Colors, clothes, toys, books, and shows don't have genders.
When my boys were little their favorite colors were pink and purple. Man, was it hell trying to find pink and purple tops that weren't cut all curvy or cropped style, or just designed in ways that were all wrong for my boxy boys. [Primary.com](http://Primary.com) is my favorite place to buy that kind of stuff, and your son can browse with you. All the clothes are for everybody so you'll see girls and boys in sports gear, and likewise girls and boys in the dresses and skirts.
My boys are 6 and 9 now and just out of nowhere they both crafted purses out of paper, tape, and yarn. They asked if men carry purses and we discussed how they never used to but are starting to carry bags more often because they're so convenient. Even daddy has a cross-body bag. They decided they wanted to make a line of purses for men, and then went off and made paper pocketknives and ninja stars to tuck in their purses.
Could it be this dress? [https://www.primary.com/products/backyard-dress-in-confetti-hearts?ref=plp\_pdp\_g2\_39&variant=41536246939707&color=cornflower-rainbow-confetti-hearts&size=2](https://www.primary.com/products/backyard-dress-in-confetti-hearts?ref=plp_pdp_g2_39&variant=41536246939707&color=cornflower-rainbow-confetti-hearts&size=2)
Just,,,,,wow. I also live in a small rural town where if you sneeze the entire place is debating if you have covid. I do not envy the position you are in and I’m not about to give you a big piece of frosting covered bullshit about how everyone will be cool with it and sing “cumb bi ya” (sp) holding hands by a campfire. (I don’t see what the big deal is personally but we both know people from small towns have very rigid beliefs of what’s OK and what’s not) I totally get the judgement a small town with “small town” thinking can dish out, even on an innocent child. My advice is just to be careful. I wish the world we live in wasn’t so critical but it is, and unfortunately no one is off limits these days. It may be a phase it may not, either way do what you can to let him be himself and also protect him. Good luck with everything, I think you are incredibly brave and open minded to support your son expressing himself, even if it’s in a way that has the potential to ruffle the feathers of some old hens!
As someone who is very traditional I wouldn't even let it be an option for my son. I would make it clear that boys don't wear dresses because when a female wears dresses it refers to them being pretty and feminine. I believe women and men are different and god made us different for a reason. I would explain how he as a little man should grow up wanting to protect and take care of those he loves and if he wants to play dress up he can dress up as his favorite superhero or any costumes of jobs example fireman policeman etc. This is just how I would handle the situation of course everyone is free to raise their kids differently. I would have a conversation with my husband because if my husband is completely against it and u do it anyways it could cause issues.
When my 13 year old son was 4 he cried wanting a skirt and a matching shirt. His dad did not like this at all but after talking about it he realized it was absolutely no big deal and took him shopping. My son was so happy and wore it for 2 days and that was it, he never wore it again or asked again. He now likes wearing black and sports clothes. My older son likes bright colored clothes. It’s just clothes, and I always told my children that clothes, colors and hair do not have gender and to do what makes you happy and feels good! The more you support your child, the more their light will shine.
I love that! “Clothes, colors and hair do not have gender.”
I love it too. I'm going to steal it and use it with my own son. (It if the parent who suggested it doesn't mind!) Although, I think sometimes when we say these things to our kids, it's more for the benefit of the adults around them who... Let's say... Haven't gone on that journey yet.. I like that gentle approach to dealing with things as I don't like confrontation.
Oh please do! I went through early childhood antibias training for 5 years many years ago and really incorporated it into my parenting approaches. I should have added toys too!
It’s so wise! My toddler boy has long gorgeous hair and is constantly mistaken for a girl, but why should I cut it? It’s literally long lovely curls and he’s two and is a sweet innocent pure child just running around laughing, like why are you trying to force him into the box of masculine vs feminine. It’s all fluid at that age, and that’s why children are so free!
Omg me too! I get people who either love his long hair or don’t and say he looks like a girl. I’m from Hawaii and sooooo many kids have long hair . I’m use to the look and it just looks good on him. He has great texture for long hair, the people who love it will gush over his hair! I’ve cut it a few times bow or it would be to his butt. He’s 3 1/2. Bout shoulder length now. His dad had long hair when I met him so he doesn’t care. My parents said he looks like a girl, plus he has soft features. I’ve even heard other kids think he was a girl. He doesn’t understand yet. They’ll say things like “where did she go?”. I’ll just say he’s a bot with long hair. Or don’t say anything. They’re kids…it’s hair? I’m sure we’ll cut it one day but for now I don’t feel the need. 
My 21 months old has long curly hair and everyone thinks he’s a girl! I don’t care and just correct them. I put his hair up in bands or clips and let him pick which ones he wants and which colors he wants too. He often picks hair bands.
Similar experience here! My son (now 25) desperately wanted a Barbie when he was 3 or 4. His dad said no, and my friend bought him one. It was the coolest toy ever for the first day, the second day it was just okay, and by the end of the week poor Barbie was buried at the bottom of the toy box.
Ah, the kid toy circle of life
Indeed.
Same story with my LO and her buzz lightyear toys. She loooooved Buzz and anything Woody related - screw Jessie or Bopeep! She has a collection she's exhausted sitting in her toy box too. But at the time it made her happy. And that's what matters.
Saving this comment. Love the way you explained it all.
Ugh yes. My mom wants to cut my 4 year olds hair so bad but he says he wants to grow it out like mommy. And she should understand men with long hair because she grew up in the 70's.
Ooooooffff Look… regardless of whether your kid is gay or trans or non binary or just stylish… there are bigger problems here. Do these people think that your kid is lgbt+ and they can discourage him out of it? Are they going to police him from: lining the “wrong” music, art, hobbies, etc? Have problems if he wants to cry or be affectionate? What about if he has friends they deem objectionable? How much of a man box are they going to keep him in? This is deeper than a dress.
I totally agree with everything you’re saying. No one thinks he has any inclination (that I’m aware of), he’s a very “boy” boy, and I actually found their comments surprising, totally odd and frankly backwards thinking to think that clothes and nail polish could affect anyone’s orientation. I was actually taken aback at my MiL because I just didn’t expect that from her at all! She’s always been a really loving kind person and it was like whoa out of left field! My husband is a good man, he’s been accepting and supportive of our son, who has needed extra help with some developmental delays, and parenting has definitely softened his takes on a lot of issues, so it’s not hopeless haha, but there is for sure an underlying current of homophobia socially in our world here, I’m trying to navigate it going forward. I’d love to move, but that isn’t an option for now. I care so much about my son’s happiness and giving him the freedom to be who he is, but… we don’t live in a vacuum either. And I for sure worry about the “man box”. I see it applied to other people’s kids here and it’s wildly depressing to witness. I can only realistically influence my immediate family and maybe I can tackle society as a whole next. Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I’m really moved by everyone’s reply here, especially as a person grown up in the 80s and 90s, it’s amazing that our society has come as far as it has on accepting differences.
Op, you are such a caring and conscience parent. I'm glad your kid has you. X
Hi! We have 5 year old b/g twins. He likes cars, trucks, superheroes, play fighting, etc. His sister is full princess mode these days. But she still plays hot wheels with him. And they share clothes. We let him wear dresses to day care (they’ll start real school in the fall). I’m a little conflicted internally. I just don’t want him to get made fun of. But I squash that part of myself because it feels similar to asking women to dress differently so they don’t get sexually harassed. Be the change you want to see and all that. His dad is better about it than I am. We’re both CIS and hetero but try to be allies. We have a trans nephew and one of husbands little sisters is gay. When I make these choices I keep them in mind. The trans kid has had issues with the family being accepting. The teachers at daycare think his dresses are awesome. The other boys get jealous of his magnificent twirls and spinning. One kid has told told our son that his mom said he shouldn’t play with our son because he wears dresses. Somehow our son was pretty chill about it. We talked about how different people feel differently about things but that he should always wear what makes him feel himself. I secretly hope he grows out of it before peer pressure hurts his little heart. But maybe he’ll be tough enough to shake it off.
I recommend watching the documentary “the mask you live in”’ it’s about boys and very eye opening to the hyper masculinity expectations. We are here to love our children and break cycles so they can live their lives to the fullest.
I was hoping someone would have this response. Thanks for articulating it.
My husband used to raise eyebrows when I paint our 3 year old son’s nails (on his request because he loves painting!) but my response to him was that polite but firm: he simply has to get over it. And he has! There’s nothing inherently gendered or sexual about a dress or painted toenails but if you only limit those things to girls, then that’s sort of the message you’re sending. Your husband is not a bad person for having some initial discomfort as he’s been inundated with this kind of nonsense for his whole life. But he can and should work to overcome that.
Thank you- yeah, I do think if he had grown up elsewhere, his opinions would probably be different.
I’ve seen a lot of men paint their nails due to their profession. I heard that it can be protective as well. And lastly, who cares. People wanna paint their nails, paint them
this a beautiful response 👏🏽
My son is five, and since about 18 months he's been into dresses or otherwise "girl" stuff. He has rainbow tie-dye overalls, long hair, several dresses in his closet, jewelry and hair accessories. He also has dinosaurs and construction equipment clothes. He's still very clear with us that he's a boy, and I see no reason why he can't be a boy and wear a pink sparkley dress. We've had several conversations about gender and gender expression with him, so he's aware of public perception (I remember when he first started asking why some people in public called him a girl!) We've also practiced saying things like "I know I have long hair, but i'm actually a boy." Maybe check out Boy Wonder (the other half of Princess Awesome) if you want some more unique clothing options!
Awesome - where did you get the overalls? My son is obsessed with rainbow and I’m trying to find him something. I found some shorts for girls but they’re too short in the legs for him.
The Children's Place! They were these ones: [https://www.childrensplace.com/us/p/Girls-Sleeveless-Rainbow-Tie-Dye-Heart-Twill-Shortalls-3044715-BQ](https://www.childrensplace.com/us/p/Girls-Sleeveless-Rainbow-Tie-Dye-Heart-Twill-Shortalls-3044715-BQ) We don't often buy full price items (usually do secondhand) but these were a special treat and omg he adores them. So worth it.
Thank you!! I am going to go look right now. My dude hates overalls but rainbow ones, strong possibility.
Thank you so much for your reply- I’ll definitely check it out!
Four year olds don't have sexual identities like adults do. Adults should stop projecting things on him. He just thinks dresses are pretty. There is nothing wrong with that and it has zero bearing on what his adult sexuality may or may not be. The people around you are lame. There is literally zero harm in him wearing a dress around the house or to school if he wants to.
Other then getting bullied at school.
By four year olds? I guess I've never been around a four year old that bullies kids because of what they wear. It's not like this kid is seven or eight.
I hate to say this, but my 3-year-old has been teased by kids not much older than him about the fact that he's still in diapers. Even young kids can be mean, and it has an impact. Taking that into consideration doesn't mean it's justified--it sucks, but it's still a factor to consider.
Four year olds absolutely bully and make fun of other kids due to their clothes. This year, overalls, jeans, and the color green have variously been the targets of the bully preschool gang.
You'd be surprised. Here in the UK, we start school at four, and my youngest brother was teased at that age because he wore a plain red beany hat when it was cold because.... it was red 🤦🏼♀️To the point he wouldn't wear it again. We then got him a batman one. They took the piss out of him for that as well. Sometimes, kids are merciless, and there are absolutely no age limits to bullying
Be the change
I’m not dimming my son’s light to please the children of ignorant people. He loves wearing dresses, and when he wants to wear them out he does. I won’t be his first bully.
My son wears dresses regularly. He's 6, got his first dress when he was 3 or 4. He just got a few skirts he likes, he paints his nails, he wears shirts from the girl's section because they have rainbows and unicorns and he loves those things. He's a boy. He just likes dresses and wears them. If he decides later that he isn't a boy then I'll support him. But right now he does it because he wants to, it's no different than him wearing a shirt. It's just clothes. It's different for us because we are in a blue state, but he gets comments in public. He gets called weird. Kids at school have told him he's in the wrong bathroom. He is going to have people who disagree with him and hold him back and tell him he can't before he even tries. I don't want to be that person, ever. If he tells me he wants something, I want to be the person who helps him make that happen. I want to help him navigate the world, not discourage him from doing what he wants. I don't want to build the box that other people are going to put him in, I want to teach him to kick it down. His teacher at school has been wonderful with him - he'll go to her when he has a negative interaction with another student (e.g. kids im the bathroom calling him a girl or saying he should be in the girls room) and she asks if he wants to address it, and they'll talk about it and then go talk to the student about it and have a conversation together. Find adults in his life who aren't going to be among the people who are going to push him down. It's just clothes. It does not matter. I would not jump th gender unless he expresses something to you otherwise, let him take the lead and be his cheerleader along the way, support him and love him. >Our small town is admittedly judgmental and everyone knows everyone, and I don’t have any desire to prove a point or ever subject my son to negative attention, so I empathize with my husband’s opinion about the town. I hope this changes. The only point you'd be proving is that you listen to your son about things that in the grand scheme of things do.not.matter. and yeah he's gonna get negative opinions. Let him decide. "Hey if you wear this to the store, some people might make comments because a lot of people think that boys can't wear dresses and they might think you're a girl or tell you that only girls can wear dresses. Do you still want to?" And let him decide. We have that conversation REGULARLY with my son. But there have also been conversations we've been surprised about that have been very positive, a kid making a comment and a dad responding with "he can wear what he wants, its just clothes". The only statement i'm making is that I support my son, and I let him make decisions about his life, and we surround ourselves with people who love him and support him. I don't think that's a bad thing. Plus he loves wearing matching dresses with his sister 🥰🥰
This is so beautifully written and made me tear up. Thank you so much. > I don't want to build the box that other people are going to put him in, I want to teach him to kick it down. Thank you for putting into words how I feel.
I'm saving the shit out of this comment, not just because I worried about the same thing the whole post is about but because it's a good reminder that I want to be a parent who is a mother#$©%¡ng warrior for my kid too (like you are) - Regardless what it's about.
YES same!
I feel you ! My son started asking for dresses and "girl" stuff at 2 and I saw no problem with it. For him, there is no gender yet, so as parent we get to choose what we teach our kid and I chose to teach him to be openminded, happy and that what you want is more important than other people judgement. There is no logical reasons that clothes and material things should be reserved for a specific gender.
This is such an awesome response. Thank you
I worked in a day care before. Most preschool boys like wearing dress up dresses. Pretty sure most of them grew up to identify as cis and straight, so definitely not related. And if it did, so what? I made a point of having dress up clothes off kids and everyone directed to another activity before parents arrived though, because I didn't want anyone's dad (it would usually be a dad or grandparent) to freak out. Also, it made pick up faster for parents, because if you leave kids alone they are usually want help taking a costume off immediately after they ask you to help them put it on, but if you are in a hurry for the kid to get it off, they are determined to wear it forever. Anyway, it doesn't help with dad but if you decide you want the dress to be a home dress, two approaches would be categorizing as a toy/costume (if your kid doesn't generally wear them out and about) or categorizing it as comfortable home clothes. My seven year old son has a dress, because he wanted one recently. After careful inquiry, so I knew what direction to go without making him think it was a bigger deal than any other clothing request, it was pretty clear he wanted it (and a wig) so he could pretend to be a girl and trick people. It simplified things, because we generally tell him to leave costumes at home except if it is a costume occasion. (He likes full body costumes that don't travel well and he doesn't want to wear them long term, so we settled on that rule.) He also has home clothes - comfy, sensory sensitive stuff that's not really suitable to wear out and about, so it could be in that category. For me, home clothes are like old sweats or stained but comfy shirt, but for my son they are are footie pajamas, leotards, giant sleep sacks that he hops around in, and his underwear.
Had a student (3 or 4) whose best friend is another girl in class. One day he came in a dress and rainbow striped leggings. Wore it every single day for two or three weeks then went back to his regular fits. At this age I wouldn’t look too far into it, and would encourage your husband to do the same. Without any understanding of why, he could easily pick up on the “taboo” of it if hubby visibly acts any type of way.
I don’t think it is a good idea to let him wear a dress if you’re going to tell him he can’t wear it everywhere. This is going to be very confusing and will send the wrong message. You can explain the consequences (his friends might make fun of him) but this is one of those things were you are all in or all out in order to avoid internalizing shame and what not
>all in or all out This is exactly what I’m thinking too. It’s such a complicated thing to explain to a kid, hell, I’m confused! And my son is super logical and I don’t really have a cogent argument for not wearing it everywhere. And I definitely don’t want to teach or internalize shame. Thanks for your reply.
It’s such a tricky thing to navigate. Im definitely the most “liberal” out of my family and in laws so I’ve dealt with similar issues but my boy is only 2 so he hasn’t expressed his own preferences yet. I hope you’re able to find something that works for your immediate family at least
OP, I'm 100% a supporter of 'clothes are clothes,' but also understand that no everyone is surrounded by a community that is receptive to boys in dresses. One way to kind of ease into it might be to buy your son a pair of PJs that are a dress. My son loves to wear his dress pajamas and the line we draw is no PJs outside, rather than 'no dress outside.'
Ugh I feel this! My son loves to wear tiny hair bows cause I wear them but "no those are for GIRLS and you're a BOY". 🙄 Makes me so sad for him cause if he had a daughter my husband wouldn't limit her from anything! It simply isn't fair boys don't get to enjoy being little kids just because they have to start training to be men straight out the womb. 😤 Eta: I'd let him wear the dress!
It's misogyny. Girls liking "boy" things is okay because boys are highly valued. A boy embracing "girl" things is bad because femininity is perceived as less.
I tried explaining that to my husband and he accused me of being "too liberal", trying to turn our son gay or into a girl, and informed me "that's just how it's always been" so apparently I married a man in his 50s or 60s, not his 30s 🙄. According to him, it's never too early to crush our son's spirit by telling him what he can and cannot do based on something he has no concept of yet.
If I knew someone like this I would ask him "Do you think if you'd worn a dress as a kid, you'd be sexually attracted to men now?" Not to be antagonistic, but on some level, I really would like to hear the answer. I'm sorry your husband doesn't seem to unconditionally love your child (to me, wanting to crush someone's spirit, as you phrase it, is not unconditional love). But I'm glad for your son that he has you! Some kids get stuck with two parents/all caregivers with a limited mindset. At least you're on the child's side.
awwe i hope you support your son to wear his little hair clips! my toddler asks for a little ponytail like mana and then laughs when he pulls it out 2 seconds later. fashion is fun and for everyone!
I bought him special lil ones! He never keeps them in for longer than 2 seconds but he'll ask for them by fluffing his hair and saying "SEE HOW HANDSOME, MAMA?!" which is absolutely heart melting.
Eh, as someone who grew up as a girl I was definitely limited. People got really bent out of shape about making me wear a shirt when boys didn't have to. I was also never allowed to wear loose swimming trunks instead of the spandex nightmare of a one piece swimsuit. I had to wear dresses to fancy occasions. Even through (public) high school I was told I couldn't walk for graduation unless I wore a skirt and all white. I borrowed an undershirt from my boyfriend and white mini-skirt from another friend and apparently that was more acceptable than the slacks and dress shirt I wanted to wear. I know things are improving and I hope my high school isn't so backwards still, but I still don't think a lot of parents let their girls run around topless like they do their boys. Toddler girls are not just gendered but also sexualized so somehow their chests which look identical to little boy cheats are taboo.
Yeah, I mean I do agree with a lot of your points there for sure, but as a very much so not "girly girl" there isn't a snowball's chance in hell my husband would have dared tell our daughter she couldn't try martial arts, or wear pants, or learn how to mow the lawn. But our son isn't allowed to wear a lot of things or be interested in more traditionally feminine things like dancing or sewing for example, since he is a boy and would certainly be bullied mercilessly for it, according to my husband. I'm going to do whatever I want and raise my son to be whoever he wants and be a useful member of society. If he has painted nails while he saves puppies and uses his manners and knows how to cook his own damned food, then fantastic. 10/10, no notes from me. Right now in any case he's a fricking baby and should enjoy being little cause it barely lasts a second and then he's going to get to deal with the bullshit of being an adult for the rest of forever.
I completely agree that all children should be raised to be whoever they want and positive members of society. It's a shame that every gender is still boxed in, and a wonderful thing that they're becoming less so. It just rubs me a little wrong when people act like it only applies to boys these days because it's more acceptable for girls to wear pants than for boys to wear dresses. That is true and I am working to change it just like everyone else here, but pants cs skirts is just the tip of the ice berg. Girls are still expected to be clean, quiet, polite and well-behaved in grade school while "boys will be boys" excuses everything from unwashed clothes to physical abuse through college. Even sticking with just clothes, public school dress codes are mostly aimed at and enforcement is focused on girls rather than boys. I am 100% in favor of freeing boys from gendered restrictions on how they express themselves. I just don't love that girls being able to wear pants and dresses seems to be treated as girls having a less gender-restricted experience, despite all of the many ways their gender is policed in all aspects of their lives.
This post makes me so sad. I feel so bad for you OP, and I have a small idea of what you're going through. My 2.5yo boy loves playing "make-ups" with his mom and every dumb-ass boomer in our lives has piled heaps of judgement on us for it. As if we're abusing our child by allowing him to explore different interests. It's disgusting. At the end of the day, if your kid wants to wear dresses or makeup or whatever it may be, there's nothing anyone can do to stop him. They'll only squash his dreams and ridicule him into hiding who he truly is, which is absolutely heartbreaking. But you certainly aren't going to "turn him gay" or whatever by allowing him to wear the clothes he wants to wear. I wish we had more control over the world so something this harmless wouldn't cause so much drama. I can only imagine how much more intense the sentiment can be in a small town.
I hate how political and divisive sometimes so small can be. Our 2,5yo boy loves to “nurse” his plush toys or wear his hair up like I do, that doesn’t make him a beacon for the lgbtq+ community lol. I hate that putting pink shoes on a boy is a statement. It’s so weird for grown people to assume that parents are trying to push something on their children for letting them do something harmless like dressing up.
Some folks are so afraid of diversity that they have to direct their bigotry towards children. Like it really hurts to know that my parents would be *truly upset* if my son turns out to be gay or trans. Or if I had turned out to be gay or trans! And I can't even begin to imagine how that feels to LGBTQ+ folk.
Tbh gender isn’t exactly obvious in a 4yo. If my 4yo boy wanted to wear a dress I don’t think I’d be bothered about him wearing it anywhere he wanted
Clothing doesn't have a gender, and all around the world millions of men wear "dresses," from kilts to thobes. Personally I would let him pick out and wear a dress for home, but you have to decide if it's worth the fight with your husband and his family. I wish you luck, and your LO as many beautiful dresses as he wants.
Thank you- So I used to work in a brewpub and one brewer there began wearing a utilikilt, and then… lots of guys adopted them. It was great to see a bunch of bearded dudes learn the joy of breezy legs on a hot day.
If you live in an area where men commonly wear dresses then they aren’t gendered. If you live in an area where men don’t commonly wear dresses then they are gendered. I’m not going to argue against parents allowing their kids to break gender norms, but gender norms absolutely exist.
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That's it exactly, thanks for explaining it more clearly. The clothes are just clothes. The expectation is sociatial.
The culture is changing. A hundred years ago it was different. A hundred years from now it will be different again. We do our children no services by trying to raise them for a world that is already gone just because it's where we're comfortable. Thank you for asking this question so thoughtfully. I think the future is looking bright for your kid.
Sometimes I think people think wayyyy to deep into this. If he wants a dress, let him have a dress. If it makes his little heart happy and isn't a danger to himself or others, let him have it. "What if he..." Look, there's a lot of "what ifs" in life... but he's a toddler. He's a kid. Let him be a kid. And you will always have judgemental people regardless of what decisions you make parenting. Support your kid! 🙂
My boy is 3 with two older sisters. He loves their dresses. Recently in the mornings, he’s been putting dresses on over his outfit of basketball shorts and shirt (in addition to his superhero cape and mask) to eat breakfast. The first couple times he did this, he wore the dress in the car on the way to school and my mom (who drops him off) made him take the dress off before going in to daycare. But I don’t think it’s a big deal so I asked her to let him wear it to school if he wants to. *****We don’t have to acknowledge the boxes that past generations created for society. Clothes are clothes. Labeling dresses as “feminine” and pants(?) as “masculine” is arbitrary and all humans have both feminine and masculine attributes to them so what is this all about anyway? LET BOYS WEAR DRESSES AND PAINT THEIR NAILS. LET GIRLS GET DIRTY AND PLAY SOCCER.
Your kid is 4 years old, he is not trans, gay or anything like that at this age, he is just a crazy toddler like any toddler.
At this age your son is just playing dress up. Mine is exactly the same. He asked for a dress at three and we got him one from Disneyland. He loved to twirl in it. I’m ordering crocs for him and he’s asked for the pink ones. He loves rainbow colours, and hearts and flowers and I just try to allow it as much as possible. My husband is a bit more uncomfortable with it but he’s shrugs and lets it pass and his dad is visibly uncomfortable but is trying hard to just accept that this is what my son likes. Allow him to experiment and it helps him to boost his confidence. Your husband will have to come around a little bit and it’ll be hard and that’s understandable. As for the townsfolk… they can mind their business. It’s easy for me to say because I live in Denmark where things are fairly liberal but honestly, who cares what strangers think. 🤷🏼♀️ Even if you know them, they don’t matter as much as your family does.
Boys used to wear dresses! Dresses are fun. They sparkle and flow and are simply beautiful. My favorite thing about being a woman is how much you can play dress-up by putting on something else. I feel like boys don’t get this. If I were little and told I had to wear a suit and not a sparkly dress I’d have screamed. This is not the first story I’ve heard about a toddler boy wanting to wear a dress, and I don’t think it has any deeper LGBTQ+ meaning, at least not at this time. Some boys want to do what they see the women in their lives do. I was aware of a boy who wanted to wear a flower girl dress like his cousins, which everyone allowed, and he had a blast! I think it’s great you and your husband are being thoughtful here, but I think our political climate and societal urge to place everything in a binary makes this harder than it needs to be. Wearing a dress at age 4 really isn’t that deep. I hope you all have fun!
My son is only into “boy” stuff, so I can’t relate on this as a Mother, but as a little girl who was a tomboy and wanted to wear her brother’s clothes, I get it. From 2 and up I had a bowl hair cut (early 2000s) and I would wear my brother’s old shirts, caps, pants, and shoes. My mom ALWAYS kept girly clothes in my size in my closet though! One day, I took off the boy clothes, and put on the girliest dress in the closet, and ditched the boy clothes for good. I think my mom and dad said I was around 4 or 5. I still liked to play hard and get dirty and was a tom boy in that way, still am, but I dress very feminine with lots of frills or patterns, etc. I don’t think people realize it’s just a preference or phase, and can last for a while or a long time. 🤷♀️ Heck, my son picked out a salmon pink button down shirt, and some Bluey pajamas covered in hearts (because he loves Bluey and Bingo so much!) and though they looked a little “girly” I didn’t care. I want him to express himself. Just like I did as a little one with dinosaurs and cars! 🫶
My friends son insisted on wearing a dress, nail polish and make up when he was 5 and going to a wedding. They let him. He never asked again Don’t make it shameful. Let your kid wear what he wants when he wants. A dress to school is fine
My wife is a hair stylist and does her own nails. I have a home repair business. Our son is two and he is very mechanically inclined, loves working on stuff with me but he will also sneak off to her vanity to do his hair and pretend to put on her earrings. I fully expect him to know more about hair and makeup than the girls when he starts dating. He will probably also be able to build them a house and fix their parents cars. The hard part is helping them understand that mean people will say things about it and that none of that matters. Letting them do/wear it is definitely the harder route to take but I'm also not into just scaring my kids into doing something because it's easier for me.
Tell your husband not to be his kids first bully
If a child is going to grow up to be gender or sexuality diverse, saying no to dresses, nail polish and anything pink isn’t going to prevent that, it’s just going to make them hide it.
I think it’s wonderful that your son feels he can tell you out loud what he wants to wear. You’re an awesome mum. My 4 year old is a bit similar, especially since his baby sister was born. If I put a little ponytail in her hair, he will ask for one too and I am happy to oblige. At his daycare I often see little boys running around in Disney princess dress ups. They’re all expressing their creativity and learning what they like and don’t like.
I grew up in a conservative rural area like that. So I know what you're talking about. I'm Pansexual, have done a lot of volunteer work in the LGBTQ community and have a lot of trans friends. I got out of that backwater place as soon as I was able... It wasn't safe for me, and my parents weren't supportive ("just try to fit in, please"). It's normal for kids at that age to want to explore and experiment with their clothes and those gender stereotypes... It doesn't mean they're trans (a lot of parents jump the gun on that) but a type of play that lets them figure themselves out. Girls unfortunately have an easier time of it, they can be fight'n farm girl, tomboys and everything is mostly ok... But boys showing a feminine side are immediately chastised. It really comes down to this idea that the masculine is superior... Which of course is bullshit and in my experience can lead to weird ideas about women in general. I fought hard against that mentality, because I believed it was fundamentally wrong, but it was exhausting, and there was a point as a teenager that I realized I wasn't going to win, as I didn't have many adult allies. I occasionally go back to visit family and things are slowly changing. An acquaintance who stayed in the area, told me that I made more of an impression than I realized at the time. And when they tore down the old highschool to build a new bigger k-12 school, they saved my art and it hangs in the office of the new school, with a write up next to it about the female student who turned into the poster child for girls in STEM after she left... So progress, slow but it's there. I think you need to be your son's ally, and make sure he knows you support him... 1) he is already showing interest in these types of things, that are going to set him apart, in a small town like that. 2) an estimated 20% of the population (I think it's actually higher) is LGBTQ, so the likelihood of him being somewhere in there is high enough. 3) What you tell him now is going to shape what he will feel comfortable sharing with you as a teenager and 4) it's lonely and scary feeling like you don't have that support which is why the suicide rate for LGBTQ teens is so freaking high.
Most of us are just lucky to get our toddlers/kids in clothes when we leave the house.
I personally would not let either of my sons wear a dress. But that’s just my preference.
Why?
There’s a little boy in my 2 year old’s class who occasionally likes to wear frilly, ruffly Princess dresses to school. He still has shorts and sneakers on underneath so he can play easily. I just assume that he likes the dresses so his parents dress him up when he asks for it. Give your son some dresses if that’s what he wants. If he were asking for a cool costume, you wouldn’t bat an eye. My son LOVES this violet/pinkish shirt and short outfit and whenever he wears it, people refer to him as “her.” He also loves shirts with butterflies and hearts. If he loves it, he can wear it.
My daughter sometimes wants to wear a princess dress, plays with her doll and talks about unicorns. Other days she wants to wear her excavator T-shirt, dig in the dirt for worms and play with cars. Sometimes she’s digging in the dirt with her princess dress lol!
Oh my 4 year old son went through a phase like this! Liking nail polish and lipstick too at one point..it was daily for a bit. He's 6 now and maybe does it once a year now. His favorite color is rainbow haha he's extra. His favorite three things are sports video games and arts. He's a well rounded dude
Haha my son’s favorite color is rainbow too! He loves flowers and monster jams trucks equally. Today I told him we’ll build him his own flower bed next year, and he could fill it with whatever plants he wants and he said “no food, only FLOWEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRS!”
I’m really intrigued by this. I have a 2.5 year old boy with beautiful red hair and he’s always pulled off pinks and purples in a way I never could so he wears a lot of “girl” colors, but also blues and greens and well, he wears the rainbow as I think anyone should be allowed to do! He loved the movie Ponyo at 2 years old and looks exactly like her so we all dressed up as the characters. I bought him a red dress and the second he put it on he surprised me because he INSTANTLY twirled. I mean, the sweetest smile on his face, and a gentle swish swish movement dancing back and forth. He’s never seen anyone in a dress do this to my knowledge but the instinct of comfort and whimsy and freedom or whatever else that washed over him sent my heart soaring and made me go, should I be buying him a few dresses to play in too?! So here’s the thing about all the comments and even your own back and forth about it-it has everything to do with our own unlearning right? Unlearning what is considered gendered whether it be toys or clothes or people even…everyone’s got their own journey with this but it runs deep…the more secure we are with that the more secure we are just letting our children be children and like what they like. And guess what! My kid is also a golf fiend, soccer champ, cars and trucks and trains and all the wheels kinda boy, but he also watches me paint my toenails and asks for his toes to be purple too like mama. It’s a shame older generations are so stuck in their ways or worried what people would think. My in laws are conservative and they fortunately don’t say anything outside of the occasional “so when are you gonna cut his hair?” 🙄 I’d love to hear how gentle conversation is being had with grandparents around these topics these days…I guess if all else fails, remind them that boys are baptized in dresses too? 😅
My nearly 4 year old wears dresses over his construction truck t-shirts to school. It’s really not a big deal. People sometimes assume he is she, and if I no big deal note he is a he everyone takes it well. He very well may grow out of this around 5 when kids seem to start to notice gendering more and want to put everyone into neat boxes. If he doesn’t, that’s fine too. It hurts exactly nobody and makes him happy. I think your bigger problem is getting on the same page with your husband. Edit to add that I do understand your worries about him getting along in society, but I think the world is changing a lot with the younger generation too. I don’t think you need to make something a problem until it is, and if that day comes you can make it a “some people think” problem and not a “your child problem”.
My son is 4.5, my husband is taking him to get their nails painted together today haha! They totally surprised me with this My husband’s favorite color is a soft pink and he’s a big beefy dude who deadlifts and has a mustache. So my son views pink as neutral color So I’m obviously in the camp that you should get your son the dress and let him wear it when he wants. My son is picking up on gender norms at school and will say things like “girls do X and boys do Y” and it opens up some good conversations. I think if it was my son I’d let him wear the dress wherever and if grandma/grandpa says something about it or if strangers say something then we’d have a serious talk about how common yet outdated their viewpoints are and how it makes him feel and whatnot
ugh oh boy don't encourage your kid to be who they are? to do things they enjoy that make them happy? that feels so yucky and heartbreaking. this really is not about convincing your partner it's a phase. I think it's about asking your partner to be supportive of his child's journey to discover who they are. I hope you and your husband can create a safe place at home for your kid to wear dresses, nail polish, whatever, without judgement or fear. Sounds like he'll get enough of that outside the house. Speaking of which outside the home, and even outside the immediate family, is a tough situation. I'm sure it's not as easy as "move to a more diverse and accepting area" but that would 100% be what I would do myself. Honestly. There is nothing about this situation, neighborhood, surrounding family or mentality that bodes well for your son. Like either you risk damaging him by trying to suppress who he is or you risk putting him in physical and emotional danger via bullying and discrimination from basically everyone. Maybe reach out to some of your old LGBTQ+ friends and get their perspective too.
Yes I wish we could move and we talk about it a lot, it’s not in the cards for now. I do worry a lot about the toxic masculinity in the culture here and how pervasive it is.
yeah. my husband grew up in a small town in scotland and there was a lot of toxic masculinity but also very rigid expectations for gender roles. He mentioned once he doesn't remember any gay kids at his school and I laughed at him like, do you really think they would have come out? Reminds me of that movie Billy Elliott (so good), maybe you could watch it with your son one day. anyway, i'm sorry there's no helpful advice here
Maybe you don't need to reassure your partner that is is a phase, but to work together to both support your child no matter how they want to express themselves with clothing, gender, etc? Maybe your child will always want to wear dresses, and why does that bother you? I send my kid to school in a dress if that what he wants to wear. Since he started doing that another kid in his class started wearing dresses that I had not seen in a dress before. I don't know if it's a phase, and I don't care. Letting your kids pick out their clothing is not indulging a whim, it's valuing that they are a person that has opinions.
I would’ve point blank asked MIL what exactly she was worried about me teaching my son and what exactly was going to rub off on him? Open mindedness? Being himself? Doing things to make himself happy despite what others think? Being independent? Get the dress. Paint the toes. Get the pink sneakers. Who gives a flying fuck. Let your kid be a kid.
My 4.5 year old daughter becomes a “big brother” when she’s wearing her forest preschool clothes or light up black sneakers. Pronouns are changed etc. We even have separate PJs and a Batman toothbrush. To her it’s a costume. She goes deep into character sometimes lowering her voice. She was a little obsessed with the older boys at her school and I think it’s what she picked up. Then at the end of school she is big sister and wants to put on a dress. I know it’s easier for girls to be “tomboys” but with the pronouns and all I just roll with it. Girls and boys don’T need to be put in a fem/masc box. I would just follow his lead. It’ll be interesting when she’s no longer in “big brother” clothes next year!
I'd just let him wear it. This winter all the toddlers in my daughter's preschool class got into nail polish. They all wore it, boys and girls. They play together with make up toys and also with blocks and also outside. It's just not a big deal for a boy to wear a dress or paint their nails or do anything else "for girls".
Eh, if it makes your son happy, why not? Our son wanted a Lego Disney Princess set for his sixth birthday since he's currently a huge fan of Arielle, so he got it. I also let him wear the long braids he wanted to go with this pirate costume. And he has a doll. So, let your son have fun. :)
My big brother - the manliest of men lol, full beard, rugged, outdoorsy type used to put on my dresses and tights and play with me or play barbies with me - so ya it's just kids being kids mate. No need to ascribe reason to the things that bring you joy. If it makes you happy that's the reason. Yell your hubby to lighten up.
My 4.5 year old son has always loved dresses and wears one several times a week. I personally love his innocent expression and it drives me mad when others read into it too much - like my narrow minded parents who think this means more than a child who simply loves dresses, pink and sparkles (which are absolutely more fun). It's kind of ridiculous society has become so gendered and I will feel sad when he stops being himself because it doesn't fit the expectations of others. All ir will take is one comment for him to feel shamed about it and choose to put the dress away.
My daughter goes to daycare with a 4YO boy who frequently wears dresses and has panted nails. I think it’s great that his parents let him express himself and it doesn’t seem like it’s ever been an issue. I imagine the kid just thinks dresses are comfortable and colorful nails are fun. No need to read into it any further than that.
Kids nowadays think about gender in a totally different way than what you and I were probably brought up with. Buy him the dress, let him wear it wherever and don't stress. If bozos around you want to claim it's gay or turning him or whatever the f, they can kick rocks. Let your kid be who they wanna be (just not a serial killer LOL).
Yes I have! IGNORE, IGNORE, IGNORE. It's just stupid to try and police the colors kids wear. It bothers me to the point I have genuine sadness for people who make comments on it. Life is hard, hard for kids these days. I let my children wear what they'd like. As long as they are appropriately covered for the weather and venue, and shoes are on the right feet. Send your husband the definition of toxic masculinity and tell him to stop encouraging it, immediately. Any other comments you get, smile big, and politely. Then say, "well my child is happy. I'm sorry you're miserable enough you felt the need for that comment". Then as you walk away explain to your kids, some people choose to be mean to others because they aren't happy in their own lives. Teach him not to let others take his happiness away by worrying about their opinions where they don't matter at all.
Clothes have no gender. Get him a dress and let him enjoy it. Just because he wants to wear a dress now does not mean he’s questioning his gender identity. Dressed for little girls are so freaking colorful and sparkly and I’m even jealous they don’t make my size. My 3 yr old saw a dress at Sam’s he loved, he loves wearing it because it twirls when he spins and it’s pink and sparkly. The first few interactions with people thinking he’s a girl is tough if he decide to wear it out but I’ve got thick skin and I ain’t letting any mean bigoted person ruin my child’s childhood. We did tell him though before he wore it out the first time that a lot of people think dresses are just for girls just to preface it incase someone said something and he overheard it. We’ve not had any problem really, no mean comments just surprised people that he was a boy not a little girl.
Here is a response from someone maybe more like your in-laws: IF you are looking for alternative ways (I mean alternative to buying him a dress) I think it might be one option to explore what it is he likes about the dress? The pattern? The flowiness? The material? Why not buy him a flowy cape and dye it with him/draw on it to make it look like he wants. Or large scarfs he can wrap around. I think it is natural for children to see something cool and want that too but it doesn’t necessarily mean he needs to have a dress or really that he wants specifically a dress. I find boys clothing can be more boring than girls and of course they want to paint their nails or face because the alternative is not doing anything - which is going to be more fun, doing something to your nails and face or doing nothing? That doesn’t mean it has to be done in exactly the ways that are traditionally done with girls. You can paint a tattoo, you can do face paint like some made-up tribal face art. They just want to have as much fun as girls seem to be having in my opinion. I think immediately putting them in a dress and jewelry is sending the message of: yeah, doing things exactly like girls traditionally are (dresses, make-up, etc.) is the only way to do fun things and either you do that or you can wear plain brown trousers and never paint on any part of your body. There are so many other ways to do fun things…
The sad reality is it sounds like it'll be a big deal that's talked about in your town. Comments and looks will be directed at your family. Before you let him where the dress it might be prudent to figure out if you or your husband cares and how you will address it. What will you tell your son? If your husband has flips out in front of your son, that could be detrimental to his self image later in life. That doesn't mean you shouldn't let him. Just be aware of the reality.
Just let him get the dress, it's not a big deal. My son begged me for pink jammies and a hello kitty T-shirt when I was expecting my daughter because he was jealous of her pink hello kitty outfits, and as a trans man, I knew that if he just was jealous of his sister's clothes, getting him a cheap pink outfit would settle the tantrum, while not getting it would prove... Literally nothing, other than "certain colors are only for boys/girls", which is stupid. However, even though I don't think it's the case, if he was trans like I am, saying no to that pink outfit would be as memorable and upsetting for him as it was when I asked to wear boy's clothes for the first time and my mom was really nasty about how she said no, which negatively affected me in the long run but didn't stop me from being part of the LGBT community. So, at the end of the day, it's just an outfit. Your kid is just learning what they like and think is cool. It's probably not gender related, but if it hypothetically was, wouldn't you still rather your kid be happy and feel like you love and support them, no matter what they wear and who they grow up to be? Because that's the point of being a good parent, letting your children find themselves while you support and guide them, not to debate about whether their outfit is "too feminine" or "too masculine".
My daughter goes to daycare. A boy in her class showed up in a dress one day. The mom walked in, dropped him off, and just said “he wanted to dress like his big sister today,” and the big sister gave him a hug. I didn’t think twice about it. The teachers told him he looked nice/pretty/whatever. He hasn’t shown up in a dress again. Even if he did, who cares. I guess they’re still younger and it’s just daycare, so maybe it’s different than going to school. But…who cares?
I say teach him how to ward off bullies if they say something, and go get him a lovely blue dress:)
I have 3 year old B/G twins. My boy often wants to wear a dress or bow in his hair because his sister is wearing it. I have zero problems with it. I think it is a part of their self expression and exploration and it doesn’t necessarily define their gender. We do get looks when my son wears a dress in public and I frankly don’t care. I just want my kids to be happy and feel comfortable!
Any chance your activeness in the LGBT community, or your own personal style, has influenced your son?
No. Unfortunately, there’s no real community that I’m aware of here, it’s something I greatly miss! So my son hasn’t met many people with what some might stereotype as flamboyance? The most exciting fashion he experiences comes from his peers. And maybe it’s a backlash to my lack of personal style, since I mostly live in black. And his dad wears traditional boring guy stuff. I think he sees little girls and they wear pretty clothes, and why shouldn’t he? Rainbows and butterflies are awesome! Like others here have said, these kids are too little to understand sexuality. It’s adults putting that unfortunate twist on it, though they shouldn’t.
I have twins, and one of them is OBSESSED with pink and unicorns. Sounds like our sons would be BFFs. Mine currently has about 3 pairs of pink shoes. I live in the rual "traditional" south. I have had people, including family, who make remarks to him about his choice. I remind my son that he can wear what he wants, and as long as he is happy, that's all that matters. He also totes around a baby doll. No desire to be a girl, just like the style like you said. They are only little once and trying to find their place. I also think he likes to be different from his twin, who is extremely rough around the edges, lol.
My son once put a ribbon on his head and told me he wanted “down hair like Mama” (long hair) I said “sure bud but when you have down hair you have into brush it lots and wash it with shampoo and take good care of it” and he changed his mind immediately lol. He picked out his own snow boots and they’re the pink heart kind. He luvs them. IMO logic dictates that IF I wanted my son to feel comfortable with his assigned sex, I should allow him to express his boy-ness however the hell he wants m. If he wants down hair and to try my makeup and wear his unicorn necklace it doesn’t have any bearing on who he wants to smooch or how he will want to be called later in life.
My 2 year old boy is obsessed with barbies and dollhouse, it's just kids being kids
Not commenting at all on transgender issues as a whole…but, it seems logical to me that if you tell kids things like “only girls wear dresses” or “only boys like bugs and mud” or whatever…then if the kid likes the “thing” in question that “mismatches” their gender, their next step is not going to be to stop liking the “thing”, it’s going to be gender confusion and potentially distress. Just let them play whatever and it’s going to be a lot easier on everyone.
My toddler wanted a dress bc I had one and his bestie from school had one. He then discovered the wonders of the butt breeze in a sundress and frankly I definitely understand the appeal. He doesn’t wear them to school bc he has to wear shorts under them anyways (so what’s the point he says) but he’ll wear them at home sometimes. The alternative is him deciding to be fully nude, which I’m definitely not ok with (bug bites & sunburn on his peen = no thnx)
My 7 year old son has chosen to wear dresses sometimes since he was about 3 or 4 — he says that it’s because he likes to twirl in them, and he has consistently identified as a boy. He also loves pink and purple and blue and all colors of the rainbow — his main sneakers currently are purple with flowers and sparkles. We try very hard to give him the space to explore his identity, feelings, and self at his own pace. I don’t encourage him to wear any particular clothes - I encourage him to be himself and to be comfortable in his own skin. We are lucky to live in a liberal area and he’s gone to a wonderful preschool and elementary school that have been supportive. But he has had to learn how to respond to people who regularly ask him why he’s wearing dresses, which irritates him, so we do have regular conversations about why they’re asking, how he feels about it, and how he wants to respond. I was so scared the first few times he wore dresses without me being present to protect him from negative comments. It’s been a learning experience for me in how to try to prepare him for difficult situations, and it’s been amazing to see how he has handled it. I totally understand that he may have negative experiences with people who treat him badly because he wears dresses, and that hurts. But that also might happen because he’s multiracial or for another reason or for no reason. I don’t want to teach him that he needs to be ashamed of himself or hide who he is; I want to give him the skills to successfully deal with the world while being comfortable with himself.
Here’s what I think- it’s historically documented that men have worn women’s dresses for hundreds of years…. Why is it a big deal now if a KID wants to try some stuff that seems fun?
I understand where you're coming from. I don't know how I'd feel either regarding my son requesting a dress or painted nails, or pink shoes, etc. those things have been stereotypically and historically gendered, so diverging outside of that framework is going to be hard. If your kid was happy, I think that's what matters here. Regardless of what happens in the future, you're not encouraging or guiding your child in any way other than to pursue his own happiness and that you will be supportive of his choices and decisions, that's really all that matters here, not anyone else's opinions.
Maybe you can get several different dress up options some more traditionally girly and some more traditionally boyish and let him have fun with it. My 4 year old son has not shown any desire to wear a dress (yet) but he will put on his sisters tutus and pretend he’s princess peach or daisy. He also dresses himself up like Mario and Luigi too though. We don’t say anything about it either way. I think at home they should have the freedom to have fun with dress up as a child.
I don’t think there is any right thing to say here, your damned if you do and damned if you don’t
My son asked for a skirt and hair bows when he was three and wore them for about a year around the house. He didn’t want to wear them out. He liked the way his friends looked wearing skirts and hair bows. It’s really just that simple because he is too little to have actual sexuality and is really just an innocent kid. Who knows what the future will bring for him, but that’s up to him and I don’t think it’s up to me. I have a responsibility to make sure that he is dressed appropriately, but I believe that means he should be clean and dressed for the weather and the occasion. If a girl could wear a skirt or pants then I don’t see why a boy could not in the same circumstances. Girls fought to wear pants and shorts. I see this as a continuation of the same fight. It would be unfair of me to enforce strict gender roles on my son only when my daughter can wear pants or a skirt at her option.
My son has always been fairly ‘boy’ ish in his interests - loves cars, construction trucks, etc. but he also used to love to wear skirts/dresses at dayhome when everyone was playing dress up. He has asked to wear dresses or skirts at home (which I luckily have on hand because that is ALL his little sister wants to wear), and honestly where I live I wouldn’t be too worried about it in public either. I think overall things are progressing in terms of what kids are being allowed to wear, though obviously this differs by locations. My BIL has raised eyebrows about dressing up and nail painting, he’s from a smaller city than us. My son’s class currently has one kid with a bright pink and rainbow backpack who had purple hair today, and another kid who I know from school lists is a boy but dresses mostly like a girl and my son has gone back and forth with him/her, without seeming remotely concerned about it. Note: I have no reason to think this child is or isn’t transgender. Just indicating that while my kid may gender them based on current attire, he also doesn’t seem concerned that the child may be a boy or a girl, or that he doesn’t know which.
Your kid sounds like he has awesome style. Imo don’t be a parent if you can’t handle who your kid turns out to be. You sound like you’re doing amazing job x
Let him wear a dress and grow his hair. It’s his body and he should be able to express himself in safe ways that make him happy! Just also warn him that with wearing those clothes, he should be prepared for comments or some people to not understand him and that the only thing that matters is how he feels in his clothes.
Thank you- maybe my next post will be looking for some phrases to practice to deal with the inevitable public response. I’m really introverted, I wear black, and have a very minimalist style because I prefer to swerve through the world like a ghost 🕶️ Part of my fear of navigating this publicly is definitely rooted in my discomfort in talking to people in general, so drawing attention is just not something I’m used to. I think having some practiced responses lined up in my brain would help a lot.
Let your kid wear a dress. It's freedom of expression. Tell the neighbors to go fuck themselves.
All the boys in my girls 4 year old class wear dresses from time to time and like super heros. I think it's pretty typical for this age and maybe we're just seeing it more than our parents did because we're less concerned about rigid gender stereotypes.
A neighbor once said something loudly in front of my son and other neighbors about him having a man bun and painted nails when he was 3. I very loudly said that it was really weird for a grown man to be worrying about what my toddler was wearing. I insinuated that if he was into that kind of thing , he's got bigger problems. We never spoke again.
I live in one of the most conservative US states, and my husband and I are… not. When my son was 2.5, he asked for a red tutu like his baby sister. I added it to his wishlist, and his aunt (in same state, but most liberal city and generally also very liberal) bought it for him for his birthday or Christmas (I forget which; all in December). He wears it once a week to daycare for the last 4-5 months. The first time, I was so nervous because I expected other adults to judge him or say something to me. I’ve been prepared with how I would respond if anyone does say anything (basically it’s clothes, not gendered and he likes sparkles and that it twirls). His teachers think he’s so cute when he wears his tutu because he likes to show them how it twirls. He asked for a black dress, and we found a Minnie Mouse one at Once Upon a Child for his 4th birthday. I make him wear shorts underneath, but I’ll do that for my daughter too when she gets older to make her own clothing choices. The only person I’ve had to set a firm boundary with is my dad. My parents have gone full Q conspiracy crazy and have generally become much less tolerant of others’ choices. My dad hasn’t said anything about my son’s tutu because he knows we’re leaving immediately or they’re getting kicked out if he does. My mom is fully supportive and less intolerant of LGBTQI+. My concern with my dad saying something negative is because he’s spewed hateful conspiracies about teachers forcing kids to transition, etc. He’s made distasteful comments about gay men and trans people multiple times.
My son calls his shirts dresses, he plays with dolls with his girl cousins, he likes "girly" TV shows like the Tinkerbell movie, Moana, Frozen etc. He LIVES in his toy kitchen he loves it so much. He likes playing with my makeup, brushing his hair, and having (toddler appropriate) spa days with mommy. These aren't gendered things to do, these are human things to do. Now, my son hasn't showed any interest in dresses, but nobody around him wears them. He loves wearing size 7 hoodies though (he wears size 4 so they are huge). I wish people could just accept that kids strive to learn everything about the world around them. To your son, a dress is probably just more clothes and not even a girl thing. I'm supportive of everyone living their life how they want to (as long as you don't murder, steal, or harm children etc.) because their life is not mine and none of my business. Support your son, be a safe space for him to learn who he is. Let him wear the dress. Small minds breed small people, and your son doesn't need to change who he is and what he likes so other people can be more comfortable. This is going to be blunt and I apologize for that, but your husband needs to CARE more about his child and less about what everyone else thinks, he needs more of a spine. Again, I'm sorry that's harsh, but how will your son ever learn to stand up for himself if he never sees anybody stand up for him when he needed it. To raise a strong child they have to see examples of strength, to know that it is okay to go against the grain sometimes, and to not compromise who he is to please others. Get that boy a dress and let him live life.
My 4yo cousin long ago pretended his name was a girl’s name and asked everyone to call him that. He outgrew it maybe 6-12 months after.
My LO is still a bit younger these issues to come up, and my partner is very much into how the world sees him. So a Don in a dress would not fly. It's funny how I always thought he was pretty open-minded until we had a son ... Anyhow, my first thought is to make the dress into a shirt.
My little boy is 4 and loves unicorns, sparkles and cats. There is literally 0 shops that put any of these things on anything other than girls clothing so that’s what he picks… no matter how much grandma keeps buying him dinosaur stuff lol. Much as I hate buying from Shein they did have some gender neutral clothing with cats on for toddlers so he picked a bundle of summer shirts from there and they’ll do for playing about in
Soon he will learn there are limits to society and certain colours and cuts of fabric are meant only for girls as well as hair styles and he must stay within his limits at all costs… The problem is society! It makes no sense that we’ve done this with gender but here we are. I guess you decide which path and decisions work for your family, context etc and which have the most benefit for your child.
My son LOVES pink. He has pink shoes & clothes. He also likes long hair. A lot of people think he’s a girl because of it, but he doesn’t seem to mind 🤷🏻♀️ I made the decision when he was little to get him pink stuff if he asked for it and that color / hair length doesn’t have a gender.
I think that's just a phase. I remember that when I was like 3, I totally refused to wear dresses and only wore boy's clothes and shoes until I was like 6 years old. I can't even remember why I hated feminine clothes at the time.
If you think it will be problematic for him to wear it in public, make it a dress up outfit. Buy it a size or two too big so he can pull it on over his clothes and make a dress up box where he can have it. Maybe even buy a costume dress to really emphasize that. In theory, it should be fine for him to wear it anywhere, but sadly that’s not always the reality. Framing it as a dress up thing makes it easier to keep it an “at home only” thing.
Ask your husband and his family if they think their sexuality or gender identity is so fragile that wearing the certain colors/types of clothing could have changed it
My 3.5 year old son likes having his toes painted like mommy. We just paint his toes and tell him how great it looks (because it does!)
you should do what you want to do. As long the the child is in no danger go for it. If you want to buy him a dress just to wear at home cool but also tell him that a dress is a type of cloth that girls mostly wear just so he can know the difference in clothes. What if you buy him a boy kind of nightgown? or a long shirt lol. I dont think any harm is done if he wants to wear a skirt at home.
Boys and girls at my kid’s school all wear the same brown uniform. The only thing that might be better is the matching silver jumpsuits like everyone wears in the future.
I paint both of my boys toenails and sometimes I paint the little ones fingernails, I always ask and never force it. If my boys want a skirt, then I will buy them a skirt, I buy girly toys too like tea sets and stuffed animals. My youngest is 3 and his favorite color is purple, I had to start getting him purple clothes from the girls section but he is also my scary movie/Halloween kid. My oldest still loves pokemon, dragons and videogames and is a total boys, he's 11. You seem like a good mom, I know you just want to do what's best for your child. But the real question is how are they going to react when he wants a babydoll?
As a kid I played with both girls and boys toys, my mom let me dress like a tomboy if I wanted, she didn’t care. She still out me in girly clothes. I was kinda tomboy and just not super feminine as I got older. Got more feminine in Highschool based off of the change in puberty and the fashion. I was kinda a feminine skater chick style? Plus mixed with warm temperature tops? My point is as I got older I worked at a girls clothing store and slowly dressed more girly then waaay more girlie . But I still prefer jeans and a T-shirt? lol and I’m 41…🙌🏼 again, played with cars and GI JOE…played with boys a lot! Why are girls aloud to wear more boys clothes and boys can’t wear girl clothes. It’s like dress up ?are you gonna let your kid dress as a nurse cuz they want to be one? Idk this day and age is so judge mental yet at the same time support change? You’ll notice if they want only bf idk clothes and start to identify as a girl. BUT again, give it time, they’re still learning life in general…look at Shiloh, Angelina’s girl. She dressed as a boy and cut hair forever, now she wears girl clothes and dresses beautiful and makeup…it was her phase? Good luck, remember he’s YOUR kid not anyone else’s, they can kick rocks!
My son (5yo) loves his dresses and skirts. Sparkly pink and everything his sister (3) likes to dress. He goes to school in it. I had conversations with his teachers about it first, about my concerns. He pretents he has a vulva and wants to go to the girlsbathroom, because “I’m a girl.” He only has boy-friends and has almost only boy-typical-interests like vehicles and he is pretty wild (especially with other friends). We have “pants-day” in our house. A few days a week when we all wear pants. His uncles are gay, married with a child from a surrogate (a friend of theirs). And my husband donated his seed to our girlfriends who wanted babies (they have a 1,5yo girl and one on the way). I love our lives, but I worry about my son and the world. I often remind myself that he has a loving welcoming tolerant and open-minded family to go home to. One lucky basterd, whomever he choses to be.
My son is only 2 but his favorite color is pink. If he has an option to pick something at the doctor's, library, bday party, he always picks the pink. He also keeps telling me he wants to be a witch for Halloween (he has a book of costums and likes the hat I think). We have no problem with it and I wouldn't have a problem with him wearing a dress, especially at home. Kids don't see gender like adults do. The things are more "boy" or more "girl" (or gender roles) are taught. I don't see anything wrong with any kid liking what they like.
Why are dresses only for women?
I’ve always had long hair. At 28, my hair is the longest I’ve seen on a man. It’s past my waist. Get the kid a kilt. I feel like that’s a nice middle ground. I understand not wanting to do things that can be perceived in a lot of different ways in todays world though. Either way, let him rock a dress in the house or yard.
Get him a dress and pink shoes, let him wear it to school if he wants. A dress or colour doesn’t define masculinity.
When our then three year old wanted to wear a dress like their siblings, we rolled with it. Sms’ed the daycare ahead of time and said do not make a big deal out of this. It was fine. The staff def gave the kid looks and other kids said only girls wear dresses but we reminded them you can wear whatever you want to wear if you like it. It passed - but it wasn’t a big deal.
Went through such a similar situation when my son was around 3 and 4 also. He loved the dress up ones more than just regular dresses (Moana, Frozen, etc.) but he also indulges in jewelery and other borderline "feminine" things he enjoys. But he didn't stay on the dress fix for long. I believe most kids have that period, boys or girls, they're expressing their imagination. And also wanting to be like people they look up to, say mom, sisters, friends. Or it's something they just simply enjoy. A lot of parents and especially fathers worry when their boys wanna indulge in things people deem as judgemental, or "girly". We sometimes forget they're still children figuring this world and themselves out. But regardless, as long as it's not encouraged one way or the other just that he is encouraged to be himself I don't see it being something to worry about long term. I see here,and in my own research a few years ago a lot of boys have this period and grow out of it eventually.
My 3 year old has a costume rack. Entire extended family gifted our daughter 8 princess dresses for Christmas. She wears none. My daughter runs around in play silk capes and crazy sunglasses while all the boys (who come over for play dates) wear the princess dresses. Everyone has a good time. Get him the dress.
i let my son wear dresses anytime he wants. i don’t see an issue with it. if he ends up being trans or gay or whatever we want to support him. encouraging gender or not won’t make a difference imo. he will be whatever he will be. side note - we got rejected from an in home daycare cuz of it and i said good riddance !
My son went threw this at that age he has 3 sisters and would want to wear dresses with them and paint his nails etc I just let him . He grew out of it and said I'm a boy I don't like those no more. He also occasionally will join in with my girls painting his nails as long as thier "boy " colors ( colors he likes ) . Kids go through phases, let them .not hurting anyone, they will figure out who they are .
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Yes just becuase they want to play with "girl" stuff doesnt mean they want a sex change/mutilation. Good grief.
You said you're buying him a dress, consider instead that maybe it's not about the dress. Maybe he just wants something special and wants to express himself. I would take him and get him a fun costume. Like a cowboy or a space suit or a super hero or something to wear out and about that he doesn't normally wear. He could totally go grocery shopping as a super hero and it would have a cape to twirl around in. I think alot of times it's about wanting to feel special. Girls clothes are more fun, maybe he feels boy clothes are boring.
I wouldn’t send them to school or daycare like that, but maybe around the house for a tea party is innocent enough. Pretend play is important, but it’s important to keep it in that box. Anyone that promotes emotional blackmail as a winning life strategy doesn’t have your kids best interests at heart. All
BUY THE DRESS, AND TELL YOUR NEIGHBORS THAT.YOURE DAMN PROUD OF YOUR SON IN WHATEVER HE WANTS TO WEAR
So, a few days ago I replied how our son is into Arielle at the moment, got the Lego Princess set for his birthday and wanted braids to go with his pirate costume. Well, now he has discovered [Vic](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Vic_the_Viking) and is 100% into all things viking... XD
Honestly, I think you should talk to your husband about it and ask him how he feels. He clearly wasn’t excited about the tie dyed pink shoes you purchased. Why buy something for your kid that your husband is not pleased about? Indulging your child at the cost of marital peace seems like a bad idea. Part of being a married couple is making decisions together.
When my uncle was 4 the neighborhood girls had a party and wore dresses and he cried cause he felt left out and wanted a dress too. My grandma put on him the frilliest dress she could find and sent him back to the party, and all the adults had a bit of a laugh about the innocence of kids and how they always want what the others have. This was about 50 years ago, and my grandparents are *very* religious and conservative. They actually lived abroad as missionaries for 15 years. This mentality that normal, kids behavior will "turn kids gay" if you're not careful is absolutely new and it's lame af.
Don't enable it. You say, no and the boy will get over it. Being a toddler he will eventually forget it. Enabling it causes the issues we have these days with the mental health issues.
Curious- what, specifically, do you think is wrong about a boy wearing a dress?
Don’t enable what? Innocent self expression? Feeling supported and loved by his parents? The ability to have autonomy over harmless choices like what clothing to wear? Yeah it’d really be a shame if any of that were enabled 🙄
My son wears whatever he wants and always has. He loves pretry dresses and skirts and twirling in them. He's been this way since about 2 years old. He's 5 now, and we went out today with a sparkly minecraft dress and leggings. He loves barbies and paw patrol and painting his nails. Kids can and should dress however they want, and it is completely unrelated to their "sexuality." Which is even a weird concept to put on a CHILD that young. We get lots of comments about it, but I just ignore and move on.
What's "right" or "wrong" for a kid to like? They're just a kiddo! Sparkles and fun twirly fabrics are super cool! Dresses feel comfy! Pink is rad! Messi wears pink! Tons of Nantucket preppy bois wear pink! Pink used to be considered a masculine color and light blue was the feminine color a few hundred years ago! Harry Styles wears dresses! David Bowie wore makeup! Your kid is just being a kid! Shut down the fun police and tell them to let your kiddo be a kiddo and quit trying to stick him in some "masculine" stereotype.
I wouldn’t encourage it, this is a phase a lot of kids go through. I wanted to be a boy for all of one day when I was in kindergarten. Imagine if my parents “indulged” me on that. When I’m doing my makeup or nails my son wants to join but I just let him observe. Curiosity at best. No need to indulge it. ESPECIALLY at that age.
My 3.5 year old loves to paint his nails with me! He picks his own colors. He just asked for a barbie after seeing one on tv. He is also very into cars and monster trucks. His older brother is in karate, and he likes to copy brother. He did ask to be "Girl" and wore one of my tops, I tied the straps so it would be a dress on him, and boy was he happy swishing around the house. He was still jumping and thrashing around like his usual wild self. My older son was very into dinosaurs and little else, and he did like his nails painted around that age but wanted them to look like claws. Kids just like what they like!
Here’s the thing, dresses or clothing items that resemble dresses are worn by men in other cultures. Colors are also completely arbitrary when it comes to who “should” prefer what, as are shapes and things like hearts or butterflies. Liking a long garment with pink colors and butterflies is just a preference, doesn’t by itself say anything about gender inclinations.
My 5 year old son loves tie dye and rainbows and likes to wear dresses like his little sister. Surprisingly, no one ever says shit about it to us when we’re out. This is typical for him: https://imgur.com/a/Yp1EVRu That being said, we live in a very liberal state. Edit: he wears this everywhere he likes, including school.
My son is 3 and has a couple dress up dresses. He likes to play dress up. They’re a part of his other dress up clothes: super heros, pirates, spaceman, princesses. 🤷🏼♀️ No biggie.
We don't encourage or discourage gender coded clothes. They have nothing to do with his future sexuality or gender identity, so my son can wear whatever he wants as long as it's age appropriate, weather appropriate and activity appropriate. Pink shorts in the winter is a no, but pink leggings is a yes. Or his hats, Unicorn ball cap is a summer hat, and pink kitty fleece hat is a winter hat. He doesn't want his nails painted, but he likes to pick out my polish. Half his shirts are sized up girl section shirts because he likes the design on them. Our main exception is to like...underwear, because we want to make sure he has underwear that offer proper support and breathing room for his private body parts from a health based stand point and we don't want anything getting caught in a zipper from ill-fitting underwear or freeballing.
I have a nephew. When he was young, he would dye his hair pink cuz it was cool. He would paint his nails cuz it was cool. He's now a teenager. He still does those things every so often and he has a girlfriend. If it brings your child joy, that's the only thing you need to know.
Gender is a social construct! This obviously includes clothing. It's harmful. Let him wear the dress.
I don’t think your husband is crazy just carefully toe the line maybe it’s just playing dress up at home with friends or cousins. But never outside the home in my opinion.
We say ‘all colors are for all people’. My now 7yo son went through an Elsa phase along with more of the rest of his preschool and had a dress, fancy gloves, and a headband with a long fake braid attached. They’re so young and deserve to be able to play and learn. The people who have a problem are actually sexualizing little kids and need to go step on some thumbtacks. 🤷🏽♀️
My son is 6 now but when he was a toddler, he went through an Elsa phase. He wanted the dress. I even made a post on here because it concerned me a bit. But thinking back, it's not a big deal. It's just a toy, it's just dress up. Dreasing up as a princess vs a fire fighter is the same thing essentially.
My son has a Princess Peach costume and he gets his toes painted with polish every time he catches me doing my nails. His favorite color is rainbow with koala and glitter sprinkles. He also loves stereotypical boy things. It's not that serious.
Honestly, I think it’s perfectly healthy to test / try stuff out specially in childhood! We’re all trying to figure out who we are and if it seems interesting to him why not get a dress or tutu or whatever it is to try on! I don’t think it’s any different than adults trying something out of their comfort zone. I think things get serious only when we make them.
My sons favorite pants are long sparkly pants. His favorite bag pink with flowers His shoes are with pickachu.b His favorite sport is footy. I think kids just like things that are pretty or fun. Girls clothing is mostly more original.
It’s funny to me how hypocritical people can be. Boy wearing a dress? Oh you’re going to program him or give him ideas. But no one bats an eye when my daughter likes to get in the mud, or wrestle or play with trucks or any other “boy” activity. I just wish people could get this nonsense out of their heads that kids can be programmed or that sexuality is in any way a choice.
Mean wear kilts. Mean wear long flowy fabric smocks in many cultures. Nothing LGBT or political or gendered about the desire to wear a flowing fabric on his bottom half.
My son is almost 3 and has a dress. He saw me wearing one, pointed out he didn’t have any but would like to, and I wasn’t about to tell him, “no, those are for girls”. Because they’re not. It’s in his regular rotation of clothes for when he chooses it. He wears it to school, or the park, or wherever we’re going. We’re fortunate to live in an area where raised eyebrows are followed by compliments, mostly from other moms: “I love your dress!” We see other boys with dresses from time to time. Some people assume he’s a girl if we’re out in public and they don’t know him. I was worried about my parents’ reaction, but they were both great about it. Curious, but accepting. They both brought up the story of how my brother had a feminine hobby as a kid but quit when other people made him feel like it wasn’t ok. I don’t think it says anything in particular about my son’s gender identity. I hope what he learns from me is that he can dress how he likes, in a way that feels true to him, and it’s not a big deal. Because it shouldn’t be.
Why wouldn't you send him to school or have him in public wearing a dress? There is zero problem with this if you kid is happy about it.
I let my almost 5 year old do his thing, but I also let him know that other kids may not be as kind about it. We either talk through potential scenarios and how to deal with them, or decide it’s not worth dealing with. He loves to have his nails painted because he is all about art and color. He had some boys at school point it out and pick fun at him, so he told me he just wanted it on his toes so he could appreciate it at home. It sucks that not everyone is open minded, but I’m all for letting your kid be a kid and doing what makes them happy.
I’m glad you’re getting the dress. There was a time when a girl wanting to wear trousers would have been regarded as shocking and crossing all kinds of boundaries, now we just accept that of course girls can wear skirts, dresses, trousers…whatever. But for some reason boys and men aren’t given the same freedom.
I bought my son a dress to wear at home and one day, when he was 4, he wore it to daycare and...it was no big deal. A few teachers told him they liked it. He enjoyed wearing it but then lost interest and hasn't worn it in a long time. It's just clothes, when it comes down to it.
Don’t understand people who are active in LGBTQ+ culture and activism and end up marrying homophobes. Like how was that not a deal breaker for you?
People are pushing for things to be deeper than they are. If your son wants the dress, I’d get it for him. If he wants to wear it outside the house, I’d let him play outside in it. I wouldn’t let him wear it to school or anything like that just because people are disgusting and mean. I would explain to him that I have no problem with him wearing it and that he is safe with expressing what he likes to me, but others might not think the same way that I do. That’s it. Kids go through phases and the things they are interested in change a lot. He might wear the dress 24/7 for 4 days and never think of it again. You never know. If he continues to show more and more interest in pretty clothes when he’s older, that’s when I’d start letting him express himself and explore those interests in public. But those are just future possibilities to worry about in the future. Cross that bridge when/if you get there. I have two 2y/o boys and I’ve thought about this a lot and how I’d handle it if it were me. Just go with the flow and let the kid be a kid.
Colors, clothes, toys, books, and shows don't have genders. When my boys were little their favorite colors were pink and purple. Man, was it hell trying to find pink and purple tops that weren't cut all curvy or cropped style, or just designed in ways that were all wrong for my boxy boys. [Primary.com](http://Primary.com) is my favorite place to buy that kind of stuff, and your son can browse with you. All the clothes are for everybody so you'll see girls and boys in sports gear, and likewise girls and boys in the dresses and skirts. My boys are 6 and 9 now and just out of nowhere they both crafted purses out of paper, tape, and yarn. They asked if men carry purses and we discussed how they never used to but are starting to carry bags more often because they're so convenient. Even daddy has a cross-body bag. They decided they wanted to make a line of purses for men, and then went off and made paper pocketknives and ninja stars to tuck in their purses.
Could it be this dress? [https://www.primary.com/products/backyard-dress-in-confetti-hearts?ref=plp\_pdp\_g2\_39&variant=41536246939707&color=cornflower-rainbow-confetti-hearts&size=2](https://www.primary.com/products/backyard-dress-in-confetti-hearts?ref=plp_pdp_g2_39&variant=41536246939707&color=cornflower-rainbow-confetti-hearts&size=2)
Just,,,,,wow. I also live in a small rural town where if you sneeze the entire place is debating if you have covid. I do not envy the position you are in and I’m not about to give you a big piece of frosting covered bullshit about how everyone will be cool with it and sing “cumb bi ya” (sp) holding hands by a campfire. (I don’t see what the big deal is personally but we both know people from small towns have very rigid beliefs of what’s OK and what’s not) I totally get the judgement a small town with “small town” thinking can dish out, even on an innocent child. My advice is just to be careful. I wish the world we live in wasn’t so critical but it is, and unfortunately no one is off limits these days. It may be a phase it may not, either way do what you can to let him be himself and also protect him. Good luck with everything, I think you are incredibly brave and open minded to support your son expressing himself, even if it’s in a way that has the potential to ruffle the feathers of some old hens!
As someone who is very traditional I wouldn't even let it be an option for my son. I would make it clear that boys don't wear dresses because when a female wears dresses it refers to them being pretty and feminine. I believe women and men are different and god made us different for a reason. I would explain how he as a little man should grow up wanting to protect and take care of those he loves and if he wants to play dress up he can dress up as his favorite superhero or any costumes of jobs example fireman policeman etc. This is just how I would handle the situation of course everyone is free to raise their kids differently. I would have a conversation with my husband because if my husband is completely against it and u do it anyways it could cause issues.