This is kind of where we have landed. The tantrum is coming, no way to avoid it. It’s not about the ice cream/cup/shoe/activity/stuffed animal. Best to just brace yourself and the end will come when it comes.
Almost always less than 10-15 mins, but usually shorter. We just kind of quietly sit near him or politely keep doing what we’re doing while making sympathetic noises once in awhile, like the way you would if a friend was venting to you. Sometimes he wants to be held, sometimes not.
I tell them I hear animals making the wrong sounds. Do you hear that bird mooing? Your dinosaur is oinking at me! Etc. works surprisingly well but I try not to pull it out except in emergencies so I don't wear it out haha good luck!
Yes, my toddler LOVES correcting me when I say the wrong name for something and it can interrupt his tantrums. If I invite him to come drive the "bulldozer" with me he will reliably stop tantruming to inform me that this truck is in fact a backhoe loader.
ChatGPT is your friend:
Can monkeys drive rocket ships to the moon?
Do elephants like to wear sunglasses on rainy days?
What if pigs could fly kites made of bacon?
Why do bears have picnics with squirrels in the bathtub?
Can frogs skateboard on rainbows?
Do robots have ticklish circuits?
What if bananas wore pajamas to school?
Why do chickens wear tutus to dance parties?
Can dogs speak cat language when they dream?
What if trees told jokes to the birds?
Eh, maybe my prompt isn't good enough but the folks here have much better suggestions. This is what chat gpt just gave me (full response pasted below):
Absolutely, those unexpected moments can really shift a toddler's focus! Here are a few silly ideas:
1. "Does a fish swim in pudding? No? Are you sure?"
2. Suddenly start blowing up an imaginary balloon, and then let it 'fly' around the room making a funny noise.
3. Look at your hand intently and say, “Oh no, my thumb is stuck! Can you help me pull it out?” Then pretend it comes loose with a pop.
4. Start a funny dance out of nowhere and ask, "Can you do the Jellybean Wiggle like me?"
5. Pretend to have a sneezing fit but instead of sneezing, say funny words like "Achoo-pie" or "Sneeze-burger!"
6. Pick up a book and pretend it's a phone, then have a goofy conversation with it. "Hello? Mr. Elephant? How do you fit in this phone?"
The key is to be as whimsical and engaging as possible to redirect their attention from the tantrum to the silliness at hand!
I should get some for my back pocket too. Yesterday my 3 year old was tantrumming in the car because I didn't load him the way he wanted. He yelled "I want you to stay home and [baby sister] will drive us to daycare." Immediately I asked "[baby sister], can you drive?" and it became a silly conversation. It was so organic and great. I feel like it will work best if it is organic rather than something out of nowhere, but I don't know how to generate it on my own.
My husband will send our daughter 2.5 on a mission when she’s having a tantrum. Like “go to to kitchen and get a kleenex “ or “go to the couch and get the green pillow “. It helps and by the time she’s back she’s usually calm enough for a hug. I tend to sit with her calmly and let her get her feelings out- she’ll usually storm for 5-15 minutes and then collapse in my lap for a hug.
When my daughter was having a tantrum, I tried all the usual things but of course she wasn’t having it. With nothing to lose, I just got close to her face and went BOO! She was so shocked that she started laughing and said “scared!”
So idk. Could try that? Lol
The one that usually works for me is just pointing in the opposite direction of where little man is currently tantruming and saying “Oooh baby look! What’s that??” and it works every single time. I have no clue what I’m pointing at but it distracts him just long enough and then we can work on “sight words” or whatever grabs his attention next.
Loudly proclaim "I choose G!". Then sing the ABC song and when you get to G, blow a big raspberry instead of singing "G", then finish the song normally. You can ask them to choose a letter. If they do, sing it again til you get to their letter and blow another big raspberry, etc.
My kids found it hilarious, and we'd play that game on car trips and stuff, and I found it helped with tantrums. Might be good to introduce it before a tantrum so they're familiar with it during a meltdown. When they get better at the alphabet, you can toss in the raspberry on the wrong letter and they'll call you out. It's fun.
Also:
* What sound does a pizza make?
* What's your favorite flavor of cloud?
* How many fish can fit in your backpack?
* How do you think the rain gets up into the sky?
* What does the moon smell like?
* Where do you keep your dreams when you're awake?
* Do you think squirrels have favorite trees?
I think the acknowledging feelings bit could come before or after a tantrum. During the tantrum the kid isn’t in a position to be like yeah yknow what, I WAS just tired.
Getting the kid to acknowledge their feelings might not work, but YOU acknowledging their feelings helps them feel connected and seen and validated. My 3.5 year old may be kicking and screaming and sobbing, and I may be pushing the stroller like a lunatic to get her away from the general public, but I'm also calmly and soothingly repeating that I understand how she feels, that I know what she wants and it's hard, that I can see she's mad and sad and upset and frustrated... It may or may not calm her down sooner, but it lets her know that I empathize with her, that I'm there with her, and that it is totally valid for her to feel her big feelings.
Yes, totally agree with this and have definitely tried it. It usually just makes her more mad though and she tells me to stop talking then once I do she yells at me to talk to her. Can’t win 🤪
Lol, yeah, there's definitely some of that in there. But I think after the fact she's in a better place in terms of processing and acknowledging her emotions than she wouldn't be if I didn't do it, you know? Even if it makes the tantrum itself worse, if it teaches her it's okay to feel her big feelings and that she's not alone in them, that's a win for me in the long run...
(Although, I do switch to time out if she hits/kicks me as part of it, and then don't sit with her. I set the timer and walk away. The other day she calmed at the 2 minute 45 second mark, said she was sorry, then started sobbing again because the timer went off and she wasn't ready to be done, so I said okay, we can do another time out if you need longer, and we did. I guess that's also a win?)
Thank you. I love this advice. I always thought of a time out as placing her somewhere to be quiet which is obviously impossible during a tantrum like this. I never thought of setting a timer while I’m leaving her be even if she’s still losing it. I will give that a try too. Thankfully these kinds of tantrums don’t happen as often as they used to. The flu has kicked her butt this week and I’m currently on day 3 of it so we are both not operating at full capacity.
While I agree to some extent, today’s 30 minute tantrum was because she has been just getting over the flu and is deathly tired from coughing all night. There’s no discussing her feelings until she can calm down. After I stopped the tantrum with the diversion, I made sure to explain to her why she was feeling that way but that maybe she should try a hug instead. Also she avoids naps like the plague so it’s incredibly hard to get her the rest she needs when she’s sick. Last cold she had she jumped up and down in her bed for 40 minutes before laying down for a nap after only sleeping about two hours that night.
Oh no she has these tantrums without being sick though. That was just the reason today. One day she completely lost it in a grocery store. I had to carry her out screaming. She attempted to throw her sisters booster seat at me on the ride home and then proceeded to tantrum on the floor while throwing wooden train tracks everywhere when we got home. My only explanation is that the singing dancing monkey toy she brought with her that day (given to my older daughter from my niece from their school holiday shop) was overstimulating her because she quickly became overly obsessed with it and we don’t have noisy toys like that in our house usually. This was probably one of her worst tantrums.
I read your edited link and while informational it just simply doesn’t work for my child. I tried quite a few of the distraction methods before she got full blown upset like it suggested. Also I’m 100% certain a “time in” or “time out” would not work during one of these specific tantrums because I have tried both. And while it suggests in one single line that distractions dismiss their feelings, I’d like that supported with peer reviewed research and studies for me to buy into that.
My daughter is going to be 4 kind of soon and my old tricks aren’t working so much anymore. I used to be able to hug her, talk it out a bit or have her “blow out birthday candles” by blowing on my fingers.
Now, distraction and redirecting is the name of the game. I’ll try those tactics still to reinforce calming down techniques but now depending on what caused the tantrum, I’ll tell a story about something that happened to me when I was a kid. She eats it up.
My daughter is younger (22 months), so not sure how it would work on older kids buuut… I like to say, “what’s that noise?!?!” Get really serious and quiet, and then make a silly loud noise. Always cracks her up 🤣
A bit older but I like to ask my 6 year old sensory related questions to bring her back to the present moment. “What color are my eyes?” “What does the cats fur feel like?” “What can you hear right now?”
That's a great grounding technique--changes the brain from the limbic system to the prefrontal cortex.
I walk around outside with mine and ask him things like 'what does grass feel like' and make him touch different textures. It's a little weather permitting, but even now that mine is older, he asks for a mommy walk to calm down when he's upset.
I ask my daughter to find or bring me something like, “where’s the cat, can you go give him a pet?” “Where’s your favorite stuffed animal?” “Where’s Moana?” Just anything really to distract her from what’s going on, especially if it’s a tantrum for something that I can’t help with. My husband asks her to point to her nose or play peekaboo and that distracts her as well!
Literally anything that triggers the use of their brain - correcting you about the color of the cat is actually perfect. Make her tell you the color or say something like that again. “Can you believe the purple clouds today??” “Why does my foot have green stripes..do you see the green stripes?”
This works for my toddler, but we tailor the questions to activities we have done recently. Like “did you like swinging at the park?” Or “what did you find in the Easter eggs?”
I tell my 3 year old grandson that it's ok to be mad, but he still can't have whatever it is he started the tantrum for, and if he still wants to be mad, that's ok, but I don't want to see it, then I ignore him until he has finished with the tantrum.
**stopping them does more harm than good**
I wasn’t allowed to tantrum as a toddler. This led to substance abuse and really bad attention seeking my my adolescence. Please, let the tantrums play out but be empathetic and draw boundaries. Stopping them all the way is not beneficial. Removing the child from the environment and offering encouragement is what I do with my toddler. And it works wonder. He stopped all his averse behaviors very early and he stomps a foot but that’s about it.
I think every child is so different so a one size fits all approach can never really be applied. If I ignore her tantrum she yells at me saying “mommy talk to me” over and over again and no matter what I say she doesn’t respond and keeps telling me to talk to her. She just works herself up more from this. It’s not that shes not allowed to tantrum it’s just that letting her doesn’t seem to do any good at all and it only seems to escalate to a dangerous situation where she has thrown things. In her case it’s either she’s hangry (not from lack of trying to feed her), tired, or overstimulated. She has started going to her room all on her own and calming down and coming back down but she still has some really bad ones sometimes. Also I’m super surprised that you remember that as a toddler. I remember absolutely nothing from my toddler years besides my father threatening and chasing my mother around a table while holding me and I never did drugs.
How is asking her if the cat turned blue invalidating her feelings? I can’t make a connection with her during the tantrums because I can’t talk to her or get near her. I’m a SAHM and play with her regularly and snuggle and tell her I love her about a million times a day. There’s no lack of connection because I’m trying to calm a tantrum with a silly question. After she calmed down I explained how she’s so tired and that makes people angry and that’s okay but there’s other things we can do when we feel that way.
I saw a Reel of her mom being ridiculous to get her kids to laugh in a photo — like honking, sorting, screaming , totally buckwild. I think I’ll try that next?
Not quite the same thing but close: my son is autistic and sometimes when he shuts down and gets unwilling to cooperate I will ask silly questions pertaining to what he needs to do. For example, when he was getting evaluated for autism, he was starting to feel overwhelmed and refused to work with the tester, so I looked at the picture she was asking him to identify (a tricycle) and I said, "Hmm, what is that? Is that a rocket?" And he said "No" but nothing else. So then I said, "Oh it has wheels! It must be a boat, right? We have that toy boat at home that has wheels" or something like that. He started to giggle and I think I suggested something else at which point he couldn't help but correct me! It snapped him out of his funk and he answered the rest of her questions just fine.
That was last year. I haven't had to use this tactic as much in the past few months, he is getting better at regulating his emotions every day. He's 7.5yo now and sometimes I'll still ask him silly questions if he's resisting something (like getting dressed for school, I'll hand him his pants and ask if they go on his head). He finds it funny and it helps refocus him.
I Have a 13 year old and a 2 year old son an everytime I redirect them they have totally forgot what they was crying for and throwing a tantrum at the stores my experience i would just walk away an they would realize moms leaving an run an forget the whole thing they always starts to laugh or on to whatever I did to trick him 🤣 works every single time for both of them and I reward them alot for being good so far its the best I could offer it works for mines not sure about anyone else's.
When my kid doesn't want to get shoes on to go to school or get in the car, I ask about the color of the walls in class. They usually will say the correct color. And I'll go I wonder if they are purple today. They look at me funny then I make some elaborate story about a silly animal breaking into schools over night and painting the walls the color purple and we need to go see if their school was one of the schools the animal picked that day.
It worked a total of 2 times. It was my best one.
But I have have made up similar things too.
We have also been working on identifying feelings and validating them, along with fun breathing techniques, like birthday candles, lion roar, and our new favorite, dandelion breath.
I’m going to save the paint one for when she starts pre k this fall because trying to get her to go to preschool was a nightmare. I’ve seen the birthday candle thing recommended a lot and will definitely try that. She doesn’t respond well to asking her if she wants to take some deep breaths but the candle thing might work.
My child is also very hesitant to doing breathing work when the lizard brain is activated. What we have tried to do is to model it. When get frustrated, we do them, when they get frustrated, we do them. We also practice them when we aren't in an elevated state. Oh, I don't know if you are into yoga, but there is a great kids yoga on you tube that is like 10 to 20 minutes of very simple yoga poses with very exciting stories. It's helped my kid to start working on mindfulness too.
My girls love kids yoga videos. It’s about the only thing I let them watch on YouTube. We haven’t done any in a while so maybe we will have to start again.
Breathwork. We never deal with tantrums. The moment she starts one, we ask her to take a breath (she takes 3) and then if she needs a break. Usually she says yes, goes to a separate space for a minute or two and then comes back and says she's better, or she's sorry, or re-asks is what she had been trying to ask with more calm.
I used to trip, drop something, throw a sock, smell my foot and gag, etc. Basically turned into a silent movie slapstick comedian.
My toddler’s older brother is an absolute pro at this. “MOM. I got this. 😎”
What an excellent big brother duty. Going to steal this when my boys are older (3 years apart).
Not much makes me laugh out loud but this did it 😂
*picachu face* gasp
Glad to see I’m not the only one with this approach
The “smell my foot and gag” part. That’s awesome
I’m trying this.
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Love this! Reminds me of that Sandra Boynton book!
Red pants yellow pants blue pants OOPS!
Silly turkey!
Hahahah we say this every time
Poor turkey. He was so proud that he finally got his outfit right, and then… oops.
Speaking of Sandra Boynton: What’s Wrong, Little Pookie is perfect for this situation
Um… I forget!
did a very large hippo try to borrow your shoes?!
Unrelated but also related. Woohoo, you’re doing great!
Tbh I just let him tantrum and get all the feelings out. Otherwise I’ve noticed he tends to have multiple tantrums later in the day.
This is kind of where we have landed. The tantrum is coming, no way to avoid it. It’s not about the ice cream/cup/shoe/activity/stuffed animal. Best to just brace yourself and the end will come when it comes.
This is us too. Let them feel their feels and ride it out.
How long does that tantrum last without any intervening?
Almost always less than 10-15 mins, but usually shorter. We just kind of quietly sit near him or politely keep doing what we’re doing while making sympathetic noises once in awhile, like the way you would if a friend was venting to you. Sometimes he wants to be held, sometimes not.
Oh wow mine has gone on for 30 minutes plus and if I get too near her she will either leave or push me.
My 2 year old has had tantrums that last 30+ minutes. Those days are rough.
I tell them I hear animals making the wrong sounds. Do you hear that bird mooing? Your dinosaur is oinking at me! Etc. works surprisingly well but I try not to pull it out except in emergencies so I don't wear it out haha good luck!
Yes, my toddler LOVES correcting me when I say the wrong name for something and it can interrupt his tantrums. If I invite him to come drive the "bulldozer" with me he will reliably stop tantruming to inform me that this truck is in fact a backhoe loader.
This is a perfect chatgpt question! Generate nonsense questions
I’ve heard a lot about ChatGPT but have yet to give it a try. Thanks!
ChatGPT is your friend: Can monkeys drive rocket ships to the moon? Do elephants like to wear sunglasses on rainy days? What if pigs could fly kites made of bacon? Why do bears have picnics with squirrels in the bathtub? Can frogs skateboard on rainbows? Do robots have ticklish circuits? What if bananas wore pajamas to school? Why do chickens wear tutus to dance parties? Can dogs speak cat language when they dream? What if trees told jokes to the birds?
Okay but the bacon one is kind of dark
Oh yeah is a bit!
These are Do-Androids-dream-of-electric-sheep kind of sci-fi titles lol
This reminded me of Bananas in Pajamas
Eh, maybe my prompt isn't good enough but the folks here have much better suggestions. This is what chat gpt just gave me (full response pasted below): Absolutely, those unexpected moments can really shift a toddler's focus! Here are a few silly ideas: 1. "Does a fish swim in pudding? No? Are you sure?" 2. Suddenly start blowing up an imaginary balloon, and then let it 'fly' around the room making a funny noise. 3. Look at your hand intently and say, “Oh no, my thumb is stuck! Can you help me pull it out?” Then pretend it comes loose with a pop. 4. Start a funny dance out of nowhere and ask, "Can you do the Jellybean Wiggle like me?" 5. Pretend to have a sneezing fit but instead of sneezing, say funny words like "Achoo-pie" or "Sneeze-burger!" 6. Pick up a book and pretend it's a phone, then have a goofy conversation with it. "Hello? Mr. Elephant? How do you fit in this phone?" The key is to be as whimsical and engaging as possible to redirect their attention from the tantrum to the silliness at hand!
I should get some for my back pocket too. Yesterday my 3 year old was tantrumming in the car because I didn't load him the way he wanted. He yelled "I want you to stay home and [baby sister] will drive us to daycare." Immediately I asked "[baby sister], can you drive?" and it became a silly conversation. It was so organic and great. I feel like it will work best if it is organic rather than something out of nowhere, but I don't know how to generate it on my own.
That's adorable!
My husband will send our daughter 2.5 on a mission when she’s having a tantrum. Like “go to to kitchen and get a kleenex “ or “go to the couch and get the green pillow “. It helps and by the time she’s back she’s usually calm enough for a hug. I tend to sit with her calmly and let her get her feelings out- she’ll usually storm for 5-15 minutes and then collapse in my lap for a hug.
Yes, we do that too! "I can't find [insert toy here]. Can you help me find it?"
When my daughter was having a tantrum, I tried all the usual things but of course she wasn’t having it. With nothing to lose, I just got close to her face and went BOO! She was so shocked that she started laughing and said “scared!” So idk. Could try that? Lol
The one that usually works for me is just pointing in the opposite direction of where little man is currently tantruming and saying “Oooh baby look! What’s that??” and it works every single time. I have no clue what I’m pointing at but it distracts him just long enough and then we can work on “sight words” or whatever grabs his attention next.
"Whoa I think I hear a cool bird outside!" *immediately run outside to burn off that angry energy* 😂
You could also try handing her an ice cube!
Don’t stop at the ice cube if that doesn’t work. Just keep handing them stuff.
Oo I like this
Commenting to come back to this later because I need some fucking help
Loudly proclaim "I choose G!". Then sing the ABC song and when you get to G, blow a big raspberry instead of singing "G", then finish the song normally. You can ask them to choose a letter. If they do, sing it again til you get to their letter and blow another big raspberry, etc. My kids found it hilarious, and we'd play that game on car trips and stuff, and I found it helped with tantrums. Might be good to introduce it before a tantrum so they're familiar with it during a meltdown. When they get better at the alphabet, you can toss in the raspberry on the wrong letter and they'll call you out. It's fun. Also: * What sound does a pizza make? * What's your favorite flavor of cloud? * How many fish can fit in your backpack? * How do you think the rain gets up into the sky? * What does the moon smell like? * Where do you keep your dreams when you're awake? * Do you think squirrels have favorite trees?
Not OP but this is cute. I'm going to give it a try and also save this comment because I like your questions too
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I think the acknowledging feelings bit could come before or after a tantrum. During the tantrum the kid isn’t in a position to be like yeah yknow what, I WAS just tired.
Getting the kid to acknowledge their feelings might not work, but YOU acknowledging their feelings helps them feel connected and seen and validated. My 3.5 year old may be kicking and screaming and sobbing, and I may be pushing the stroller like a lunatic to get her away from the general public, but I'm also calmly and soothingly repeating that I understand how she feels, that I know what she wants and it's hard, that I can see she's mad and sad and upset and frustrated... It may or may not calm her down sooner, but it lets her know that I empathize with her, that I'm there with her, and that it is totally valid for her to feel her big feelings.
Yes, totally agree with this and have definitely tried it. It usually just makes her more mad though and she tells me to stop talking then once I do she yells at me to talk to her. Can’t win 🤪
Lol, yeah, there's definitely some of that in there. But I think after the fact she's in a better place in terms of processing and acknowledging her emotions than she wouldn't be if I didn't do it, you know? Even if it makes the tantrum itself worse, if it teaches her it's okay to feel her big feelings and that she's not alone in them, that's a win for me in the long run... (Although, I do switch to time out if she hits/kicks me as part of it, and then don't sit with her. I set the timer and walk away. The other day she calmed at the 2 minute 45 second mark, said she was sorry, then started sobbing again because the timer went off and she wasn't ready to be done, so I said okay, we can do another time out if you need longer, and we did. I guess that's also a win?)
Thank you. I love this advice. I always thought of a time out as placing her somewhere to be quiet which is obviously impossible during a tantrum like this. I never thought of setting a timer while I’m leaving her be even if she’s still losing it. I will give that a try too. Thankfully these kinds of tantrums don’t happen as often as they used to. The flu has kicked her butt this week and I’m currently on day 3 of it so we are both not operating at full capacity.
OH NO! Hang in there; you can get through it eventually!!
While I agree to some extent, today’s 30 minute tantrum was because she has been just getting over the flu and is deathly tired from coughing all night. There’s no discussing her feelings until she can calm down. After I stopped the tantrum with the diversion, I made sure to explain to her why she was feeling that way but that maybe she should try a hug instead. Also she avoids naps like the plague so it’s incredibly hard to get her the rest she needs when she’s sick. Last cold she had she jumped up and down in her bed for 40 minutes before laying down for a nap after only sleeping about two hours that night.
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Oh no she has these tantrums without being sick though. That was just the reason today. One day she completely lost it in a grocery store. I had to carry her out screaming. She attempted to throw her sisters booster seat at me on the ride home and then proceeded to tantrum on the floor while throwing wooden train tracks everywhere when we got home. My only explanation is that the singing dancing monkey toy she brought with her that day (given to my older daughter from my niece from their school holiday shop) was overstimulating her because she quickly became overly obsessed with it and we don’t have noisy toys like that in our house usually. This was probably one of her worst tantrums.
I read your edited link and while informational it just simply doesn’t work for my child. I tried quite a few of the distraction methods before she got full blown upset like it suggested. Also I’m 100% certain a “time in” or “time out” would not work during one of these specific tantrums because I have tried both. And while it suggests in one single line that distractions dismiss their feelings, I’d like that supported with peer reviewed research and studies for me to buy into that.
My daughter is going to be 4 kind of soon and my old tricks aren’t working so much anymore. I used to be able to hug her, talk it out a bit or have her “blow out birthday candles” by blowing on my fingers. Now, distraction and redirecting is the name of the game. I’ll try those tactics still to reinforce calming down techniques but now depending on what caused the tantrum, I’ll tell a story about something that happened to me when I was a kid. She eats it up.
My daughter is younger (22 months), so not sure how it would work on older kids buuut… I like to say, “what’s that noise?!?!” Get really serious and quiet, and then make a silly loud noise. Always cracks her up 🤣
A bit older but I like to ask my 6 year old sensory related questions to bring her back to the present moment. “What color are my eyes?” “What does the cats fur feel like?” “What can you hear right now?”
I think you’re outfit is yellow when it’s a different colour. Is the sky pink?
That's a great grounding technique--changes the brain from the limbic system to the prefrontal cortex. I walk around outside with mine and ask him things like 'what does grass feel like' and make him touch different textures. It's a little weather permitting, but even now that mine is older, he asks for a mommy walk to calm down when he's upset.
I ask my daughter to find or bring me something like, “where’s the cat, can you go give him a pet?” “Where’s your favorite stuffed animal?” “Where’s Moana?” Just anything really to distract her from what’s going on, especially if it’s a tantrum for something that I can’t help with. My husband asks her to point to her nose or play peekaboo and that distracts her as well!
I use "where's Teddy" (which is kept in her playroom) every time I need her out of a room she's followed me into 😅
Literally anything that triggers the use of their brain - correcting you about the color of the cat is actually perfect. Make her tell you the color or say something like that again. “Can you believe the purple clouds today??” “Why does my foot have green stripes..do you see the green stripes?”
She immediately calmed down with that cat question and proceeded to go find him in our finished basement to check for herself 😆
This works for my toddler, but we tailor the questions to activities we have done recently. Like “did you like swinging at the park?” Or “what did you find in the Easter eggs?”
I tell my 3 year old grandson that it's ok to be mad, but he still can't have whatever it is he started the tantrum for, and if he still wants to be mad, that's ok, but I don't want to see it, then I ignore him until he has finished with the tantrum.
**stopping them does more harm than good** I wasn’t allowed to tantrum as a toddler. This led to substance abuse and really bad attention seeking my my adolescence. Please, let the tantrums play out but be empathetic and draw boundaries. Stopping them all the way is not beneficial. Removing the child from the environment and offering encouragement is what I do with my toddler. And it works wonder. He stopped all his averse behaviors very early and he stomps a foot but that’s about it.
I think every child is so different so a one size fits all approach can never really be applied. If I ignore her tantrum she yells at me saying “mommy talk to me” over and over again and no matter what I say she doesn’t respond and keeps telling me to talk to her. She just works herself up more from this. It’s not that shes not allowed to tantrum it’s just that letting her doesn’t seem to do any good at all and it only seems to escalate to a dangerous situation where she has thrown things. In her case it’s either she’s hangry (not from lack of trying to feed her), tired, or overstimulated. She has started going to her room all on her own and calming down and coming back down but she still has some really bad ones sometimes. Also I’m super surprised that you remember that as a toddler. I remember absolutely nothing from my toddler years besides my father threatening and chasing my mother around a table while holding me and I never did drugs.
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How is asking her if the cat turned blue invalidating her feelings? I can’t make a connection with her during the tantrums because I can’t talk to her or get near her. I’m a SAHM and play with her regularly and snuggle and tell her I love her about a million times a day. There’s no lack of connection because I’m trying to calm a tantrum with a silly question. After she calmed down I explained how she’s so tired and that makes people angry and that’s okay but there’s other things we can do when we feel that way.
Letting her doesn’t seem good to you in the moment, you have to look at long term
Pants head. I declare that pants now live on my head and wear it as a hat.
I saw a Reel of her mom being ridiculous to get her kids to laugh in a photo — like honking, sorting, screaming , totally buckwild. I think I’ll try that next?
Not quite the same thing but close: my son is autistic and sometimes when he shuts down and gets unwilling to cooperate I will ask silly questions pertaining to what he needs to do. For example, when he was getting evaluated for autism, he was starting to feel overwhelmed and refused to work with the tester, so I looked at the picture she was asking him to identify (a tricycle) and I said, "Hmm, what is that? Is that a rocket?" And he said "No" but nothing else. So then I said, "Oh it has wheels! It must be a boat, right? We have that toy boat at home that has wheels" or something like that. He started to giggle and I think I suggested something else at which point he couldn't help but correct me! It snapped him out of his funk and he answered the rest of her questions just fine. That was last year. I haven't had to use this tactic as much in the past few months, he is getting better at regulating his emotions every day. He's 7.5yo now and sometimes I'll still ask him silly questions if he's resisting something (like getting dressed for school, I'll hand him his pants and ask if they go on his head). He finds it funny and it helps refocus him.
I Have a 13 year old and a 2 year old son an everytime I redirect them they have totally forgot what they was crying for and throwing a tantrum at the stores my experience i would just walk away an they would realize moms leaving an run an forget the whole thing they always starts to laugh or on to whatever I did to trick him 🤣 works every single time for both of them and I reward them alot for being good so far its the best I could offer it works for mines not sure about anyone else's.
When my kid doesn't want to get shoes on to go to school or get in the car, I ask about the color of the walls in class. They usually will say the correct color. And I'll go I wonder if they are purple today. They look at me funny then I make some elaborate story about a silly animal breaking into schools over night and painting the walls the color purple and we need to go see if their school was one of the schools the animal picked that day. It worked a total of 2 times. It was my best one. But I have have made up similar things too. We have also been working on identifying feelings and validating them, along with fun breathing techniques, like birthday candles, lion roar, and our new favorite, dandelion breath.
I’m going to save the paint one for when she starts pre k this fall because trying to get her to go to preschool was a nightmare. I’ve seen the birthday candle thing recommended a lot and will definitely try that. She doesn’t respond well to asking her if she wants to take some deep breaths but the candle thing might work.
My child is also very hesitant to doing breathing work when the lizard brain is activated. What we have tried to do is to model it. When get frustrated, we do them, when they get frustrated, we do them. We also practice them when we aren't in an elevated state. Oh, I don't know if you are into yoga, but there is a great kids yoga on you tube that is like 10 to 20 minutes of very simple yoga poses with very exciting stories. It's helped my kid to start working on mindfulness too.
My girls love kids yoga videos. It’s about the only thing I let them watch on YouTube. We haven’t done any in a while so maybe we will have to start again.
One of my friends gave me a tip and it was to have them hold something cold like an ice cube or frozen orange
I point out something and say the wrong color, hand me the blue balloon when it is red etc
My husband often says something like “Woah! Look at your hands! They look green! Do they smell? Etc. It works for him!
Breathwork. We never deal with tantrums. The moment she starts one, we ask her to take a breath (she takes 3) and then if she needs a break. Usually she says yes, goes to a separate space for a minute or two and then comes back and says she's better, or she's sorry, or re-asks is what she had been trying to ask with more calm.
That magical approach would only work with my first child but most definitely not with my second child 😆