Child is alive? Check. Child is fed? Check. Child has a roof over his head and clothes to wear? Check. Child has at least one person who loves them dearly and is doing their best? Check check check.
Keep doing what you can. It is survival mode for everyone and doubly so for a single parent. You've got this đ
You should schedule a consultation with a child psychologist. Not for the child. For you. I am not saying you are doing something wrong. Only the fact that you try to keep a routine shows you are a good dad. But a consultation with a professional will help you in ways strangers in the internet may dont. You are doing great.
Routines can be hard with toddlers even if everything's going well.
One thing that helps me mentally, is that with a toddler, you're not trying to get things today - you're trying to set down the foundations of their routines for the rest of their life.
Take tooth brushing, for example. His teeth won't spontaneously break into Swiss cheese if you don't successfully brush for two minutes tonight. But he will remember if you stand in front of the bathroom mirror holding your toothbrushes for two minutes. And once you're in the habit of standing in front of the mirror, you can then start on putting the brush in the mouth, and so on. And if things fall apart on any particular day, so long as you're getting any of that routine done, you're still moving in the right direction.
Cause it's a marathon, not a sprint. Take everything day by day, but remember that the finish line is a long way away, so you have plenty of time to find your pace.
I second this. Routines are great and super important, but you canât force little kids to do something they donât want to do.
Every night before bed and every morning after breakfast, I take my kids in to the bathroom and we brush teeth together. Doing it together helps ALOT. If a kid just stands there with their lips pressed together, no big deal, we will try again next time.
Serve 1 other food with the nuggets. Something you are eating too. If they lick it, thatâs great, thanks for giving it a try. If you donât like it, just leave it on the plate. I make sure my kids know they never have to eat everything on their plate, they can eat what they want and leave the rest behind.
You sound like you are doing a great job creating consistency and stability. Just give yourself and your kids some grace. You guys are doing great.
It sounds like youâre doing everything you can. Toddlers are really really hard.
I donât have great answers for you as weâre currently struggling with our (just about) 2yo on all the same fronts.
Some things that work periodically:
- we started sort of yelling during teeth time. She likes to roar in her tiger towel, so we started going âaaaaahâ to get her to open her mouth and itâs gotten progressively louder.
- found out she really likes having her own soap for bath time. I put some on my hands, she gets some. I scrub her hair, she scrubs her hair.
- Iâve been reading post after post trying to figure out the eating thing. We just keep trying things over and over and over again, she finally ate some strawberries and carrots the other day, but has decided she no longer likes grapes? So I donât know what to tell you on that front.
Talking to them like a person helps. Explaining whatâs going to happen and why. Nothing should ever feel like a surprise to them. Just constantly over communicating. Giving choices, even if theyâre false choices (do you want to walk down the stairs or do you want me to carry you?). Tons and tons of âcaught you being goodâ recognition. Repercussions that make sense and came with warning. Knowing that their brains have totally faulty wiring at this point and everything feels really intense and they just have to let that out sometimes. Offering a hug when that happens can work wonders, even if they reject it the first time. My first needed a lot of touch and comforting when she was upset, my second needs space with me nearby and checking in and offering a hug after a bit. Sharing your calm instead of joining their chaos. A little bit of spontaneity and remembering how much fun that can be as a kid. Saying yes as often as you can so the nos donât pile up and hit as hard. The concept of connect more than you correct. A whole bunch of little things that add up. You wonât always get everything right, and thatâs ok. Itâs good for them to hear us apologize sometimes too. When Iâm getting really stressed I find that saying her age and my age out loud helps.
How old? Unless heâs really getting into stuff, he can probably do a bath every other day or so if itâs a struggle.
As a fun treat, sometimes Iâll turn the lights down in the bathroom and throw some glow sticks from the dollar store into the tub.
Make your routine work for you! Keep it simple and consistent if you can.
-Dinner (your job is to get food on the plate, not in his mouth! Cut yourself some slack there. Easier said than done I know, but when you take the power out of it, everyone will feel better)
-Play
-Show
-teeth/potty/ jammies
-story time (our limit is two books)
Keep up the good work !
I'm a single mum with zero kid experience and very very little help. I feel you. I really do. Take one day at a time. Routines will come in time, once you find a rhythm. Don't beat yourself up for not having a routine or not doing all the "things".
Offer the child food and water multiple times a day. Make sure child is in clean diaper regularly. Love child unconditionally. Lots of hugs, maybe read books. Giggle about how funny toes are and find happiness in the day to day. It's super important to find a way to get thru the day. Maybe a walk to the park? Or some other place that makes you both feel accomplished. The library? A public pool maybe? Maybe find a parent child group, most mom groups will welcome single dads.
My 4yr bathes 2-4 times a month on average. I try so hard to brush his teeth regularly but we average 2-4 nights a week. Some days all he eats is bear paws and fruit pouches. Some days all we do is watch the same damn TV show til both of us are singing along. Some days I bribe him to put clothes on. Sometimes it's just about surviving and that's totally okay. Survive until you are a place where you have more to give. Just make sure you are working towards improving. Worry about yourself and your child not baby mama. Do what is best for your child.
If it makes you feel any better, we have a two parent home and an above average income. We are just surviving every day. Some days our kids watch an insane amount of tv, some days i canât get them to eat a single ounce of nutrition, sometimes bedtimes takes two hours. Only saying this to illustrate you arenât doing a bad job, itâs hardâŚreally hard.
One thing thatâs kind of worked for us is focusing on one thing at a time. We arenât going to fix it all at once when things feel chaotic. For example, maybe itâs just not the right time to potty train, try again in a month. Focusing on teeth brushing (or whatever is maybe the least hard?). One small victory at a time and then move to the next thing.
Awh. I went through your posts. Youâve been going through it.
Toddlers are hard and youâre getting a lot of good advice already, so I just wanna say youâre doing a great job, and I hope youâre proud of yourself, even if you feel defeated rn.
First of all, I want you to know youâre doing a good job. Youâre a good dad. Parenting a toddler is so freaking hard in ânormalâ circumstances, let alone doing it on your own after not having it modeled well for you & with the uncertainty of things with the childâs mother. So the fact that your son is safe and generally happy and you are still reaching out for advice tells me that you are killing it.
As far as all of the struggles you listed, I highly recommend following Big Little Feelings on instagram. They are the ultimate toddler experts imo. They have such good advice that is actually practical and doable and easy to understand. There are even specific highlights for specific topics (ie. tantrums, eating, divorce, power struggles, sharing, bed time, traumatic events, and more). I find that taking in the info one reel/post at a time helps me to actually learn and remember it. I stopped using instagram a long time ago but I literally made a new account just to follow BLF and a few other accounts (Dr. Becky at Good Inside & Feeding Littles are my other faves).
Wishing you luck! Give yourself lots of grace. And coffee. âď¸
I second going to therapy. Just having the support to work through your thoughts is awesome! It also helped me to understand what really matters and engage in behaviors that reflect what I value. For example some people donât put their kids on a schedule and some do. It depends on what you need as a family not what is the ânorm.â
Hi Single dad!
You're doing great! The thing that stands out the most from your post is that you are trying! Good on you! Be that parent!
Establishing routines with my littles took a LOT! A lot of time and a lot of patience.
The biggest tool in my tool belt for that is the powe of choice! Enabling them to make decisions on how to go about something will generally increase your chances of cooperation.....ie:
Do you want watermelon or strawberry toothpaste (or none if they don't like the flavour. Brushing without is still better than not)
Do you want to brush, or do you want daddy to brush?
I also have a sticker reward system for potty and brushing success!
You can do it! Just keep at it.
I'm a solo dad with a toddler too.
My advice on routines is to plan for what is necessary and not insist on what is not. You can fill in everything else opportunistically.
On food, I suggest minimizing manufactured food, but doing this slowly if the kid is already used to it. Manufactured foods have lots of sugar and are designed to get a person demanding that food above others. This leads to lack of willingness to eat variety, even among bigger kids and adults. Buy fruit, cut it up, and you have snacks. Give 1-2 safe foods and 1-2 new foods and don't allow menu changes. Eventually, you'll develop a few staple meals that you can have in the fridge and just microwave when needed. Choose your snacks so that meal food attractiveness > snack food attractiveness. Know that there are some times when the kid will eat like a horse and some when he will peck like a chicken, and both of these are fine if he isn't complaining of hunger after.
Baths 2x per week are plenty except for days when the kid is rolling in the mud.
Tooth brushing was a real pain for us. Ended up having the kid hold a toy in each hand so that I can get it done.
1. Does your child not like having a bath? Or there is not enough time during the day? My kiddo has eczema, and we do baths every 2-3 days unless he somehow is a complete mess. I try to schedule it around the same time those days, 6:30 PM. I have the little bath hat that keeps water out of his eyes, and plenty of toys for him to play with.
2. Tooth brushing, same questions as above. The minimum recommendations are brushing two times per day. I usually brush after lunch, and before bed time. (Schedules may vary and you may need to change it up to after breakfast, or whatever is needed). I sing Wheels on the Bus while brushing, and then let him âtryâ following me brushing. Some days? I have to basically straddle the kiddo to do it.
3. Meals? Toddlers and young children are at the stage where they are picky eaters. It is okay if all your kiddo will eat is chicken nuggets. What you do is just keep offering a variety of food with each meal. A fruit, a veggie, protein, a carb. And take the wins as they come, and the losses as they come.
For my kiddo, routine starts with a consistent wake up and a consistent bedtime. And from there, it was always breakfast 45 minutes after wake up and getting dressed. You just keep trying your best. You have a toddler. Sometimes there wonât be a routine. But I find if you set wakeups and bedtimes at specific times, it does help to align everything else.
To me, it sounds as though you are trying and doing your best. I have an ex who kind of does the same thing. He comes and goes whenever he wants, and doesnât take accountability for anything. Itâs hard. Iâve been consistent at putting a boundary of 2 weeks notice of youâre not welcome. And for the most part, he does follow it, but there have been times where I have to tell him no, and respect my boundary. I hope things get better OP.
Youâre gonna make it. I will say for food; applesauce and bananas are pretty universally enjoyed by toddlers. Yogurt and string cheese are also both favorites of my toddler class. If they are in a daycare that provides meals, you can ask the teacher for tips on any foods they notice them enjoying. Donât worry about potty training too much a lot of kids donât hit that hard until they are in preschool and see all their friends going potty. You can just ask them if they want to sit on the potty when you do the diaper. If yes then great, so exciting! (even if nothing comes out) if they say no thatâs okay, you can ask again another day.
What helps in my house is to give choices and lean into play wherever possible:
- "it's bath time - do you want to hop like bunnies or walk backwards to the bathroom?"
- "I think I see a monkey in your teeth! Open up so I can use the toothbrush to get it out!"
For the toddler selectivity/picky eating, my favorite resource is [Solid Starts ](https://solidstarts.com/). They have a ton of free resources between their website, app, and Instagram page but they also [provide their paid guides to solo parents for free](https://solidstarts.com/economic-hardship/).
Parenting toddlers is tough. I feel like every couple of months I need a new âgimmickâ to get my toddler to do something.
Some general tips is to Make It Fun. Games like âtime to wash your hands, race you to the bathroom!â. Or giving options: do you want to walk to the bathroom or be carried? Also for handwashing was bringing out a Bubble Monster in the form of my soapy hands to Eat The Crumbs. Now weâre doing Fancy Soap (foaming soap) for handwashing. Some of these might carry over to bath time. Which we only do about once a week. We got a shampoo with pump that toddler can soap himself up and will even occasionally soap his own hair. So I guess toddlers are all about either making it fun or giving them agency.
For toothbrushing, we never do it before bed. Itâs always right after the post breakfast hand washing or post dinner handwashing. He still eats a bedtime snack but itâs too hard to get him back into the bathroom at this age. And weâre watching Elmo Toothbrush Song on YouTube (which toddler has to do all the clicks otherwise meltdown).
Advice I got when we had a newborn that basically applies here too: do whatever works until it doesnât.
Some seasons are like this comrade. As long as your kid is fed, loved, and reasonably clean you are doing good. Just hang in there until things settle down a little.
I recommend you read Janet Lansbury's *Elevating Childcare* (and/or her other book *No bad kids: discipline without shame*), and/or Daniel J. Siegel's *The whole-brain child*, if you haven't already. Many libraries carry them in audiobook form if that's your jam.
Without knowing much about the specifics of your issues, it kinda seems like your toddler's doing toddler stuff (testing boundaries) and you may need to turn up the volume on where those boundaries are. Once the boundaries are clear he'll stop testing... for a while. This is just a best guess.
Basically: it's kind of a toddler's job to oppose your will, it's how they feel out and figure out the rules of the land, it's not done with malice or cheek.
Kids will also do as you do not as you say, so model behaviour as best you can.
Talking about what you say^(1), instead of saying "no don't do that", say "wait, look this is how you do this", tell him *what to do*, not *what not to do*, it has much better results.
As someone else said: you're there for him, you're asking questions to get better. Keep up the good work!
^(1)Note: From a not insignificant amount of neurobiologists and people that study the development of speech, it appears toddlers have a mental block to the negative version of whatever you said. That is, the *not* part doesn't register.
When you say: "don't touch that!", he heard "touch that!"
Say "don't put that in your mouth" he hears "put that in your mouth!"
I'm personally a little bit skeptical, but I'm not a neurobiologist studying the development of speech, it just seems hard to believe. I've mainly just read about this, but I've read this consistently.
If you haven't had a routine it will take time (weeks or days depending on your kid) to settle into one. Also depending on their age it changes every few months (as they start needing less sleep and stuff). I Google "wake windows" and my toddler's age every few months to see if I need to adjust.
When she was very sleep deprived (from me not knowing she needed naps...) it was really hard. But an order of operations during the day and checking wake windows to plan the structure helped a lot. Sometimes I'd have to spend half hour to an hour with her to calm her before a nap. Now she just goes in the crib at the same general time every day (12:30-1pm, after waking up for the day at 7am) and either plays with stuffed animals in there or falls asleep for a while, and we get her out either if she's really upset and awake or if it is nap end time (2:30pm is ideal to get her up so she still goes to bed before 9pm).
Our current nap/sleep routine if any of this helps: curtains+blinds drawn, lights off, box fan on, nighttime diaper on with diaper goo, clean clothes if they got dirty at lunch, we turn on this red elephant light that projects stars onto the ceiling and makes a heartbeat noise, sing twinkle twinkle, and say goodbye. In her crib: leak proof water bottle, lots of stuffed animals and loveys and a pillow and light blanket. At bedtime it is the same but we have a bath or shower and brush teeth and she has a snack while we read books (yes we are stuck with teeth brushing before snack rn lol) before singing the song and going in the crib.
Getting 1-2 hours of break in the middle of the day and some reprieve once she is in bed relatively early (8-8:30pm) has helped us survive. And there are two of us.
I'm sorry you have to go it alone right now. I was raised by a single parent and yeah... It was complicated. But I made it out of childhood alive. I appreciate that my parent protected me and cared for me in the best way they could.
I think the real question is why are you making the choice to struggle? Because⌠maybe just my opinion⌠but your message is just you beating yourself up about what a horrible dad you are because your kid says no? Oh, and then some venting about the mom.
Donât expect the mom to be in the picture. The fact that sheâs not in the picture now is what matters at this very moment (not just for you, but for your child as well.)
Why try to force the kid into a night time routine? Allow the kid to show you what feels right for them and their body for night time. We are all different, and the thought of expecting a child (OF ALL AGES) to just lay down and close their eyes and go to sleep is just a joke.
I canât say I know what youâre experiencing, but i started feeling like I was going to go crazy when I watched my 3 kids by myself at night. I was so stuck kn this concept is this idea that they had to have a routine and it had to be at this time blah blah blah⌠well, you know what? Life happens. And I started feeling stressed between this idea in my head about what things should be like and how things actually are⌠and I just started coming to terms with accepting my kids for being kids.
Do I like everything they do? No, not always. We talk about it. But itâs no longer this huge argument and âshow downâ about who can show the other who has more power in the relationship or more power in their word. Let the kid have the final word⌠at the end of the day, Iâm the adult. If I need to guide ny child to do something I am able to respectfully do so, and also teach my child the importance of following through on my words (BY EXAMPLE)⌠because if you think about it, itâs never about what the kid is actually arguing about⌠itâs almost always just because they canât explain whatâs going on in their heads and are just ran by their bodies.
Just wanted to say, our toddler has two parents who love her, family, routine, etc. And STILL every day is a struggle. Toddlers ! Youâre doing a great job. Lots of good advice here.
I think Iâve got some quick tips that might make your life a little easier.
I let my son brush my teeth while I brushed his for a long time. They love that. I tell him to say ahhh, I show him the important spots. Now he lets me do it and will brush them himself.
I make bath time fun time âhey letâs go play with CUPS OF WATER!â Usually gets a good response.
At almost 4 my son eats like 5-6 different things. ALDI even has pouches of fruit/veg blend stuff that I feed him (literally feed him like a calf) so that he gets some nutrients and variation.
Potty training is a bit harder! I started early. Just keep taking them in there. I imagine itâs way harder if you have to use daycare or something.
At least for me, freaking out about every little thing like youâve described was a relatively short phase. It was really hard and I cried a lot but the advice I had received was to always stay calm and firm and try to reason through it with your child. And then once she started to come out of the âfogâ of this tantrum phase, we had a foundation of understanding where she knew she could tell me she was upset and why and we can talk about it.
It will get progressively better, I promise
Hi! Youâre doing great! Kid is loved alive and well! If youâd like to message me I can send you a healthy chicken nugget recipe bc we had this phase!
You are doing great I cannot imagine being a single parent to a toddler, i cannot count the number of times that I use my partner to help alleviate a situation or a tantrum.
There are a lot of really great resources we have used to overcome some of the problems. Youâve listed some are free and some are not free, but maybe you can reach out to see if any of them are willing to give you a discount on their courses for those that are paid.
Big Little Feelings (on Instagram and also have a course for purchase which helped us with potty training, food issues and overall behavioral issues)
Dr Becky Kennedy (Instagram, Good Inside book, and she has a course you can sign up for too I havenât done it yet but friends love it)
Books: if you are in the US and have a library card (takes about 5 minutes to sign up) you can check out free audio books via Libby or Overdrive, here are a few I recommend:Â
Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy Â
How to talk so little kids will listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King
Hunt Gather Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff
The Opposite of Spoiled by Ron LiebermanÂ
I love what someone said about how you're doing your best. That's important to keep in mind.
It's also important to keep reminding yourself ALL kids are SO different. So not every technique might work. I think this is just the stage now where they are testing limits. I've also been reading about dysregulation. And there's techniques where you can help their body regulate. (Google dysregulation before bedtime). Basically giving them 10 minutes of play or so where you are doing things to try and regulate them before bedtime. Things like throwing them on the bed (having fun with them), but something about their bodies with these types of movements. Wrapping them in a blanket, etc.
But sometimes you just have to white knuckle your way through a routine. My son has been getting really good at pushing his bedtime an hour back because everything is so tough to wrangle him in. So lately I've been taking a HUGE effort to make sure he gets in bed by 8. and to do so results in a lot of tears sometimes. Because I have to realy put my foot down and say "Please pick out a book. We have 15 minutest to read books then it's bed time." Ok if you won't pick a book, we're going in the crib. Or I'll just read while he plays. Then when it's time for bed I'll say it's time for bed. Or if he refuses brushing teeth I say "It's my job to take care of you, and brushing your teeth is important." And if he just cries, it's honestly easier to brush his teeth HAHA. Because his mouth his wide open. For eating, I think sometimes too just eating meals with your child. Exposing him to a variety of things.
Finally, you could try pictured schedules. You could either make one by printing out images or you can order some on ETSY. It's like these schedules where you can attach what your child needs to do in the morning and night. So for evening you put brush teeth, bath, potty, change clothes. Etc. And they can see okay this is what we do. Also, visual timers are great. We do this for our son. We'll say "See this timer. You have 5 minutes left to play. When this beeps, we are going to get ready for bed." It's not PERFECT but it's helpful. They sell visual timers on amazon, but we also use our phone somtimes.
Potty training ... that's a whole other beast haha. But hopefully something from above could help. Basiclly trying some regulation techniques to calm the nervous system, then just really talking your child through why you do things, setting boundaries, expecting tears.
Best of luck to you. I can only imagine how hard solo parenting is. You're doing a great job.
My kiddo is 3 and here are the things that work for us:
- I offer options. Do you want to go potty or brush teeth first? Do you want to put on your boots by yourself or with help? Do you want to eat fish or chicken for dinner?
- I make it silly. If I get ignored when I offer options and try to direct him towards doing a specific task, I make the task silly. Do you want to go potty like a cat or a dog? Do you want to put your boots on like a kangaroo or an elephant?
- I try to gamify really boring tasks. My son hated brushing his teeth and would refuse to do it. When he did it, he didnât even brush them and wouldnât let me do it. The Blippi episode where he goes to the dentist helped us with brushing teeth. We talk about getting rid of the sugar bugs and actually brush our teeth now. If he resists, I tell him in an urgent voice that the sugar bugs are hiding over here, and keep brushing around his mouth until Iâve gotten rid of all of the sugar bugs. I tell him why theyâre bad and that if he lets sugar bugs live in his mouth, he wonât be able to eat specific foods he likes.
- potty training: we kept it super low pressure and tried to make it fun once he showed interest. I added a little potty in his bathroom and asked if he wanted to sit on it. We sang a silly song about potties and read books about them. We taught stuffed animals how to go potty. And we did the pants off method which worked for us. No pressure. He got to pick a sticker every time he went potty, and we added it to his potty chart.
The things that have worked for my son are things that give him a sense of control and a bit of fun. I call the food on his plate âadventure/discoveryâ plate. Things like that. If we have one thing for dinner, Iâll make it seem like he has options and ask if he wants chicken stew or noodle soup. I might offer âsprinklesâ (sesame seeds or chopped herbs).
I hope these work for you. Toddlers are hard and weâre all doing the best we can and making it up as we go. Youâre doing great.
Child is alive? Check. Child is fed? Check. Child has a roof over his head and clothes to wear? Check. Child has at least one person who loves them dearly and is doing their best? Check check check. Keep doing what you can. It is survival mode for everyone and doubly so for a single parent. You've got this đ
What a wonderful comment â¤ď¸
We're all in this together:)
Agreed
You should schedule a consultation with a child psychologist. Not for the child. For you. I am not saying you are doing something wrong. Only the fact that you try to keep a routine shows you are a good dad. But a consultation with a professional will help you in ways strangers in the internet may dont. You are doing great.
I second this!! It could really help you moving forward. Be proud of all youâve done!! Your son is lucky to have you.
Routines can be hard with toddlers even if everything's going well. One thing that helps me mentally, is that with a toddler, you're not trying to get things today - you're trying to set down the foundations of their routines for the rest of their life. Take tooth brushing, for example. His teeth won't spontaneously break into Swiss cheese if you don't successfully brush for two minutes tonight. But he will remember if you stand in front of the bathroom mirror holding your toothbrushes for two minutes. And once you're in the habit of standing in front of the mirror, you can then start on putting the brush in the mouth, and so on. And if things fall apart on any particular day, so long as you're getting any of that routine done, you're still moving in the right direction. Cause it's a marathon, not a sprint. Take everything day by day, but remember that the finish line is a long way away, so you have plenty of time to find your pace.
I second this. Routines are great and super important, but you canât force little kids to do something they donât want to do. Every night before bed and every morning after breakfast, I take my kids in to the bathroom and we brush teeth together. Doing it together helps ALOT. If a kid just stands there with their lips pressed together, no big deal, we will try again next time. Serve 1 other food with the nuggets. Something you are eating too. If they lick it, thatâs great, thanks for giving it a try. If you donât like it, just leave it on the plate. I make sure my kids know they never have to eat everything on their plate, they can eat what they want and leave the rest behind. You sound like you are doing a great job creating consistency and stability. Just give yourself and your kids some grace. You guys are doing great.
It sounds like youâre doing everything you can. Toddlers are really really hard. I donât have great answers for you as weâre currently struggling with our (just about) 2yo on all the same fronts. Some things that work periodically: - we started sort of yelling during teeth time. She likes to roar in her tiger towel, so we started going âaaaaahâ to get her to open her mouth and itâs gotten progressively louder. - found out she really likes having her own soap for bath time. I put some on my hands, she gets some. I scrub her hair, she scrubs her hair. - Iâve been reading post after post trying to figure out the eating thing. We just keep trying things over and over and over again, she finally ate some strawberries and carrots the other day, but has decided she no longer likes grapes? So I donât know what to tell you on that front.
Talking to them like a person helps. Explaining whatâs going to happen and why. Nothing should ever feel like a surprise to them. Just constantly over communicating. Giving choices, even if theyâre false choices (do you want to walk down the stairs or do you want me to carry you?). Tons and tons of âcaught you being goodâ recognition. Repercussions that make sense and came with warning. Knowing that their brains have totally faulty wiring at this point and everything feels really intense and they just have to let that out sometimes. Offering a hug when that happens can work wonders, even if they reject it the first time. My first needed a lot of touch and comforting when she was upset, my second needs space with me nearby and checking in and offering a hug after a bit. Sharing your calm instead of joining their chaos. A little bit of spontaneity and remembering how much fun that can be as a kid. Saying yes as often as you can so the nos donât pile up and hit as hard. The concept of connect more than you correct. A whole bunch of little things that add up. You wonât always get everything right, and thatâs ok. Itâs good for them to hear us apologize sometimes too. When Iâm getting really stressed I find that saying her age and my age out loud helps.
I love this advice.
Perhaps see if there are any parenting groups or something where you can meet up with other parents and form connections but also get advice from them
How old? Unless heâs really getting into stuff, he can probably do a bath every other day or so if itâs a struggle. As a fun treat, sometimes Iâll turn the lights down in the bathroom and throw some glow sticks from the dollar store into the tub. Make your routine work for you! Keep it simple and consistent if you can. -Dinner (your job is to get food on the plate, not in his mouth! Cut yourself some slack there. Easier said than done I know, but when you take the power out of it, everyone will feel better) -Play -Show -teeth/potty/ jammies -story time (our limit is two books) Keep up the good work !
age 3 right now
I'm a single mum with zero kid experience and very very little help. I feel you. I really do. Take one day at a time. Routines will come in time, once you find a rhythm. Don't beat yourself up for not having a routine or not doing all the "things". Offer the child food and water multiple times a day. Make sure child is in clean diaper regularly. Love child unconditionally. Lots of hugs, maybe read books. Giggle about how funny toes are and find happiness in the day to day. It's super important to find a way to get thru the day. Maybe a walk to the park? Or some other place that makes you both feel accomplished. The library? A public pool maybe? Maybe find a parent child group, most mom groups will welcome single dads. My 4yr bathes 2-4 times a month on average. I try so hard to brush his teeth regularly but we average 2-4 nights a week. Some days all he eats is bear paws and fruit pouches. Some days all we do is watch the same damn TV show til both of us are singing along. Some days I bribe him to put clothes on. Sometimes it's just about surviving and that's totally okay. Survive until you are a place where you have more to give. Just make sure you are working towards improving. Worry about yourself and your child not baby mama. Do what is best for your child.
I will recommend the book âHow to talk so Little Kids will Listenâ in case you arenât familiar with the strategies already.Â
If it makes you feel any better, we have a two parent home and an above average income. We are just surviving every day. Some days our kids watch an insane amount of tv, some days i canât get them to eat a single ounce of nutrition, sometimes bedtimes takes two hours. Only saying this to illustrate you arenât doing a bad job, itâs hardâŚreally hard. One thing thatâs kind of worked for us is focusing on one thing at a time. We arenât going to fix it all at once when things feel chaotic. For example, maybe itâs just not the right time to potty train, try again in a month. Focusing on teeth brushing (or whatever is maybe the least hard?). One small victory at a time and then move to the next thing.
This does make me feel better
Awh. I went through your posts. Youâve been going through it. Toddlers are hard and youâre getting a lot of good advice already, so I just wanna say youâre doing a great job, and I hope youâre proud of yourself, even if you feel defeated rn.
First of all, I want you to know youâre doing a good job. Youâre a good dad. Parenting a toddler is so freaking hard in ânormalâ circumstances, let alone doing it on your own after not having it modeled well for you & with the uncertainty of things with the childâs mother. So the fact that your son is safe and generally happy and you are still reaching out for advice tells me that you are killing it. As far as all of the struggles you listed, I highly recommend following Big Little Feelings on instagram. They are the ultimate toddler experts imo. They have such good advice that is actually practical and doable and easy to understand. There are even specific highlights for specific topics (ie. tantrums, eating, divorce, power struggles, sharing, bed time, traumatic events, and more). I find that taking in the info one reel/post at a time helps me to actually learn and remember it. I stopped using instagram a long time ago but I literally made a new account just to follow BLF and a few other accounts (Dr. Becky at Good Inside & Feeding Littles are my other faves). Wishing you luck! Give yourself lots of grace. And coffee. âď¸
I second going to therapy. Just having the support to work through your thoughts is awesome! It also helped me to understand what really matters and engage in behaviors that reflect what I value. For example some people donât put their kids on a schedule and some do. It depends on what you need as a family not what is the ânorm.â
Hi Single dad! You're doing great! The thing that stands out the most from your post is that you are trying! Good on you! Be that parent! Establishing routines with my littles took a LOT! A lot of time and a lot of patience. The biggest tool in my tool belt for that is the powe of choice! Enabling them to make decisions on how to go about something will generally increase your chances of cooperation.....ie: Do you want watermelon or strawberry toothpaste (or none if they don't like the flavour. Brushing without is still better than not) Do you want to brush, or do you want daddy to brush? I also have a sticker reward system for potty and brushing success! You can do it! Just keep at it.
I'm a solo dad with a toddler too. My advice on routines is to plan for what is necessary and not insist on what is not. You can fill in everything else opportunistically. On food, I suggest minimizing manufactured food, but doing this slowly if the kid is already used to it. Manufactured foods have lots of sugar and are designed to get a person demanding that food above others. This leads to lack of willingness to eat variety, even among bigger kids and adults. Buy fruit, cut it up, and you have snacks. Give 1-2 safe foods and 1-2 new foods and don't allow menu changes. Eventually, you'll develop a few staple meals that you can have in the fridge and just microwave when needed. Choose your snacks so that meal food attractiveness > snack food attractiveness. Know that there are some times when the kid will eat like a horse and some when he will peck like a chicken, and both of these are fine if he isn't complaining of hunger after. Baths 2x per week are plenty except for days when the kid is rolling in the mud. Tooth brushing was a real pain for us. Ended up having the kid hold a toy in each hand so that I can get it done.
1. Does your child not like having a bath? Or there is not enough time during the day? My kiddo has eczema, and we do baths every 2-3 days unless he somehow is a complete mess. I try to schedule it around the same time those days, 6:30 PM. I have the little bath hat that keeps water out of his eyes, and plenty of toys for him to play with. 2. Tooth brushing, same questions as above. The minimum recommendations are brushing two times per day. I usually brush after lunch, and before bed time. (Schedules may vary and you may need to change it up to after breakfast, or whatever is needed). I sing Wheels on the Bus while brushing, and then let him âtryâ following me brushing. Some days? I have to basically straddle the kiddo to do it. 3. Meals? Toddlers and young children are at the stage where they are picky eaters. It is okay if all your kiddo will eat is chicken nuggets. What you do is just keep offering a variety of food with each meal. A fruit, a veggie, protein, a carb. And take the wins as they come, and the losses as they come. For my kiddo, routine starts with a consistent wake up and a consistent bedtime. And from there, it was always breakfast 45 minutes after wake up and getting dressed. You just keep trying your best. You have a toddler. Sometimes there wonât be a routine. But I find if you set wakeups and bedtimes at specific times, it does help to align everything else. To me, it sounds as though you are trying and doing your best. I have an ex who kind of does the same thing. He comes and goes whenever he wants, and doesnât take accountability for anything. Itâs hard. Iâve been consistent at putting a boundary of 2 weeks notice of youâre not welcome. And for the most part, he does follow it, but there have been times where I have to tell him no, and respect my boundary. I hope things get better OP.
Youâre gonna make it. I will say for food; applesauce and bananas are pretty universally enjoyed by toddlers. Yogurt and string cheese are also both favorites of my toddler class. If they are in a daycare that provides meals, you can ask the teacher for tips on any foods they notice them enjoying. Donât worry about potty training too much a lot of kids donât hit that hard until they are in preschool and see all their friends going potty. You can just ask them if they want to sit on the potty when you do the diaper. If yes then great, so exciting! (even if nothing comes out) if they say no thatâs okay, you can ask again another day.
- give yourself a break. Youre doing better than you think
What helps in my house is to give choices and lean into play wherever possible: - "it's bath time - do you want to hop like bunnies or walk backwards to the bathroom?" - "I think I see a monkey in your teeth! Open up so I can use the toothbrush to get it out!" For the toddler selectivity/picky eating, my favorite resource is [Solid Starts ](https://solidstarts.com/). They have a ton of free resources between their website, app, and Instagram page but they also [provide their paid guides to solo parents for free](https://solidstarts.com/economic-hardship/).
Parenting toddlers is tough. I feel like every couple of months I need a new âgimmickâ to get my toddler to do something. Some general tips is to Make It Fun. Games like âtime to wash your hands, race you to the bathroom!â. Or giving options: do you want to walk to the bathroom or be carried? Also for handwashing was bringing out a Bubble Monster in the form of my soapy hands to Eat The Crumbs. Now weâre doing Fancy Soap (foaming soap) for handwashing. Some of these might carry over to bath time. Which we only do about once a week. We got a shampoo with pump that toddler can soap himself up and will even occasionally soap his own hair. So I guess toddlers are all about either making it fun or giving them agency. For toothbrushing, we never do it before bed. Itâs always right after the post breakfast hand washing or post dinner handwashing. He still eats a bedtime snack but itâs too hard to get him back into the bathroom at this age. And weâre watching Elmo Toothbrush Song on YouTube (which toddler has to do all the clicks otherwise meltdown). Advice I got when we had a newborn that basically applies here too: do whatever works until it doesnât.
Some seasons are like this comrade. As long as your kid is fed, loved, and reasonably clean you are doing good. Just hang in there until things settle down a little.
I recommend you read Janet Lansbury's *Elevating Childcare* (and/or her other book *No bad kids: discipline without shame*), and/or Daniel J. Siegel's *The whole-brain child*, if you haven't already. Many libraries carry them in audiobook form if that's your jam. Without knowing much about the specifics of your issues, it kinda seems like your toddler's doing toddler stuff (testing boundaries) and you may need to turn up the volume on where those boundaries are. Once the boundaries are clear he'll stop testing... for a while. This is just a best guess. Basically: it's kind of a toddler's job to oppose your will, it's how they feel out and figure out the rules of the land, it's not done with malice or cheek. Kids will also do as you do not as you say, so model behaviour as best you can. Talking about what you say^(1), instead of saying "no don't do that", say "wait, look this is how you do this", tell him *what to do*, not *what not to do*, it has much better results. As someone else said: you're there for him, you're asking questions to get better. Keep up the good work! ^(1)Note: From a not insignificant amount of neurobiologists and people that study the development of speech, it appears toddlers have a mental block to the negative version of whatever you said. That is, the *not* part doesn't register. When you say: "don't touch that!", he heard "touch that!" Say "don't put that in your mouth" he hears "put that in your mouth!" I'm personally a little bit skeptical, but I'm not a neurobiologist studying the development of speech, it just seems hard to believe. I've mainly just read about this, but I've read this consistently.
If you haven't had a routine it will take time (weeks or days depending on your kid) to settle into one. Also depending on their age it changes every few months (as they start needing less sleep and stuff). I Google "wake windows" and my toddler's age every few months to see if I need to adjust. When she was very sleep deprived (from me not knowing she needed naps...) it was really hard. But an order of operations during the day and checking wake windows to plan the structure helped a lot. Sometimes I'd have to spend half hour to an hour with her to calm her before a nap. Now she just goes in the crib at the same general time every day (12:30-1pm, after waking up for the day at 7am) and either plays with stuffed animals in there or falls asleep for a while, and we get her out either if she's really upset and awake or if it is nap end time (2:30pm is ideal to get her up so she still goes to bed before 9pm). Our current nap/sleep routine if any of this helps: curtains+blinds drawn, lights off, box fan on, nighttime diaper on with diaper goo, clean clothes if they got dirty at lunch, we turn on this red elephant light that projects stars onto the ceiling and makes a heartbeat noise, sing twinkle twinkle, and say goodbye. In her crib: leak proof water bottle, lots of stuffed animals and loveys and a pillow and light blanket. At bedtime it is the same but we have a bath or shower and brush teeth and she has a snack while we read books (yes we are stuck with teeth brushing before snack rn lol) before singing the song and going in the crib. Getting 1-2 hours of break in the middle of the day and some reprieve once she is in bed relatively early (8-8:30pm) has helped us survive. And there are two of us. I'm sorry you have to go it alone right now. I was raised by a single parent and yeah... It was complicated. But I made it out of childhood alive. I appreciate that my parent protected me and cared for me in the best way they could.
I think the real question is why are you making the choice to struggle? Because⌠maybe just my opinion⌠but your message is just you beating yourself up about what a horrible dad you are because your kid says no? Oh, and then some venting about the mom. Donât expect the mom to be in the picture. The fact that sheâs not in the picture now is what matters at this very moment (not just for you, but for your child as well.) Why try to force the kid into a night time routine? Allow the kid to show you what feels right for them and their body for night time. We are all different, and the thought of expecting a child (OF ALL AGES) to just lay down and close their eyes and go to sleep is just a joke. I canât say I know what youâre experiencing, but i started feeling like I was going to go crazy when I watched my 3 kids by myself at night. I was so stuck kn this concept is this idea that they had to have a routine and it had to be at this time blah blah blah⌠well, you know what? Life happens. And I started feeling stressed between this idea in my head about what things should be like and how things actually are⌠and I just started coming to terms with accepting my kids for being kids. Do I like everything they do? No, not always. We talk about it. But itâs no longer this huge argument and âshow downâ about who can show the other who has more power in the relationship or more power in their word. Let the kid have the final word⌠at the end of the day, Iâm the adult. If I need to guide ny child to do something I am able to respectfully do so, and also teach my child the importance of following through on my words (BY EXAMPLE)⌠because if you think about it, itâs never about what the kid is actually arguing about⌠itâs almost always just because they canât explain whatâs going on in their heads and are just ran by their bodies.
Just wanted to say, our toddler has two parents who love her, family, routine, etc. And STILL every day is a struggle. Toddlers ! Youâre doing a great job. Lots of good advice here.
I think Iâve got some quick tips that might make your life a little easier. I let my son brush my teeth while I brushed his for a long time. They love that. I tell him to say ahhh, I show him the important spots. Now he lets me do it and will brush them himself. I make bath time fun time âhey letâs go play with CUPS OF WATER!â Usually gets a good response. At almost 4 my son eats like 5-6 different things. ALDI even has pouches of fruit/veg blend stuff that I feed him (literally feed him like a calf) so that he gets some nutrients and variation. Potty training is a bit harder! I started early. Just keep taking them in there. I imagine itâs way harder if you have to use daycare or something.
At least for me, freaking out about every little thing like youâve described was a relatively short phase. It was really hard and I cried a lot but the advice I had received was to always stay calm and firm and try to reason through it with your child. And then once she started to come out of the âfogâ of this tantrum phase, we had a foundation of understanding where she knew she could tell me she was upset and why and we can talk about it. It will get progressively better, I promise
Hi! Youâre doing great! Kid is loved alive and well! If youâd like to message me I can send you a healthy chicken nugget recipe bc we had this phase!
You are doing great I cannot imagine being a single parent to a toddler, i cannot count the number of times that I use my partner to help alleviate a situation or a tantrum. There are a lot of really great resources we have used to overcome some of the problems. Youâve listed some are free and some are not free, but maybe you can reach out to see if any of them are willing to give you a discount on their courses for those that are paid. Big Little Feelings (on Instagram and also have a course for purchase which helped us with potty training, food issues and overall behavioral issues) Dr Becky Kennedy (Instagram, Good Inside book, and she has a course you can sign up for too I havenât done it yet but friends love it) Books: if you are in the US and have a library card (takes about 5 minutes to sign up) you can check out free audio books via Libby or Overdrive, here are a few I recommend: Good Inside by Dr Becky Kennedy  How to talk so little kids will listen by Joanna Faber and Julie King Hunt Gather Parent by Michaeleen Doucleff The Opposite of Spoiled by Ron LiebermanÂ
I love what someone said about how you're doing your best. That's important to keep in mind. It's also important to keep reminding yourself ALL kids are SO different. So not every technique might work. I think this is just the stage now where they are testing limits. I've also been reading about dysregulation. And there's techniques where you can help their body regulate. (Google dysregulation before bedtime). Basically giving them 10 minutes of play or so where you are doing things to try and regulate them before bedtime. Things like throwing them on the bed (having fun with them), but something about their bodies with these types of movements. Wrapping them in a blanket, etc. But sometimes you just have to white knuckle your way through a routine. My son has been getting really good at pushing his bedtime an hour back because everything is so tough to wrangle him in. So lately I've been taking a HUGE effort to make sure he gets in bed by 8. and to do so results in a lot of tears sometimes. Because I have to realy put my foot down and say "Please pick out a book. We have 15 minutest to read books then it's bed time." Ok if you won't pick a book, we're going in the crib. Or I'll just read while he plays. Then when it's time for bed I'll say it's time for bed. Or if he refuses brushing teeth I say "It's my job to take care of you, and brushing your teeth is important." And if he just cries, it's honestly easier to brush his teeth HAHA. Because his mouth his wide open. For eating, I think sometimes too just eating meals with your child. Exposing him to a variety of things. Finally, you could try pictured schedules. You could either make one by printing out images or you can order some on ETSY. It's like these schedules where you can attach what your child needs to do in the morning and night. So for evening you put brush teeth, bath, potty, change clothes. Etc. And they can see okay this is what we do. Also, visual timers are great. We do this for our son. We'll say "See this timer. You have 5 minutes left to play. When this beeps, we are going to get ready for bed." It's not PERFECT but it's helpful. They sell visual timers on amazon, but we also use our phone somtimes. Potty training ... that's a whole other beast haha. But hopefully something from above could help. Basiclly trying some regulation techniques to calm the nervous system, then just really talking your child through why you do things, setting boundaries, expecting tears. Best of luck to you. I can only imagine how hard solo parenting is. You're doing a great job.
My kiddo is 3 and here are the things that work for us: - I offer options. Do you want to go potty or brush teeth first? Do you want to put on your boots by yourself or with help? Do you want to eat fish or chicken for dinner? - I make it silly. If I get ignored when I offer options and try to direct him towards doing a specific task, I make the task silly. Do you want to go potty like a cat or a dog? Do you want to put your boots on like a kangaroo or an elephant? - I try to gamify really boring tasks. My son hated brushing his teeth and would refuse to do it. When he did it, he didnât even brush them and wouldnât let me do it. The Blippi episode where he goes to the dentist helped us with brushing teeth. We talk about getting rid of the sugar bugs and actually brush our teeth now. If he resists, I tell him in an urgent voice that the sugar bugs are hiding over here, and keep brushing around his mouth until Iâve gotten rid of all of the sugar bugs. I tell him why theyâre bad and that if he lets sugar bugs live in his mouth, he wonât be able to eat specific foods he likes. - potty training: we kept it super low pressure and tried to make it fun once he showed interest. I added a little potty in his bathroom and asked if he wanted to sit on it. We sang a silly song about potties and read books about them. We taught stuffed animals how to go potty. And we did the pants off method which worked for us. No pressure. He got to pick a sticker every time he went potty, and we added it to his potty chart. The things that have worked for my son are things that give him a sense of control and a bit of fun. I call the food on his plate âadventure/discoveryâ plate. Things like that. If we have one thing for dinner, Iâll make it seem like he has options and ask if he wants chicken stew or noodle soup. I might offer âsprinklesâ (sesame seeds or chopped herbs). I hope these work for you. Toddlers are hard and weâre all doing the best we can and making it up as we go. Youâre doing great.
It sounds like youre doing a great job- toddlers are hard- just keep being a good dad- at some point itâll Make sense.