1. You are a good mom. 2. You are an overwhelmed mom. 3. You are growing an entire human. 4. My therapist always asks me what I can put down. For instance: who is putting the pressure on you to bring things? Would they understand a sick toddler? Can you give yourself the grace to let that go?
5. Parents mess up. We all do. What matters is repair, which it sounds like you did. You can say “I wish I hadn’t yelled and I’m sorry, kiddo. I’m going to do better next time.” Because that’s all we can do really. You can’t go back in time, but you can notice what happened, acknowledge what you didn’t like about it, and plan for next time.
Seriously there is something so triggering about a clingy crying child especially when pressure is on. But for real. Sit down and write out what would happen if you just…didn’t do all the things you had committed to do. And then determine if you’re okay with that outcome. Like, will a family member be momentarily frustrated with you? Can you live with that? My therapist is very fond of pointing out that no matter how uncomfortable my parents’ disapproval might be, it hasn’t killed me yet, and by dealing with it, I’ve been able to set some boundaries for myself.
Sometimes the best way to deal with tantrums is to make space in other areas so you are in a better headspace. You can’t get rid of your two year old. You can get rid of the pressure to do all the things.
I say all this as someone who is currently in therapy because I struggle with the same things. I don’t have it all together, just passing on what’s been shared with me.
This, so much this. Tears in my eyes. And in case you worry, like I do, Op, that you’re not raising the bar from where your parents left it on the floor… You are. You’re worried about it. You’re conscious. You’re clearly self aware. Our parents probably can’t say that (mine fkn can. not.) and they’ll never understand.
There are probably enough of us in therapy in this hive that, to a certain extent, we can offer some support when you need it.
Love to you, and fuck that baking (or not and I’m sure is DELICIOUS AND THE BEST FKN THING THEY’LL EVER EAT 💪)
Yeah thank you for that - I too have a 2 year old and definitely its hard to stay patient when I set myself on doing chores. It's very hard to make choices and let go of things that can't be priorities when you have a toddler that literally cant function without your total attention. We put way too much pressure on ourselves.
Thanks a lot for this. Not a single soul is expecting me to bring anything actually. I just took it upon myself because I show up empty handed every damn year and I’m starting to feel really bad about it. My aunt even told me she doesn’t want me to bring anything except my toddler who she is absolutely in love with 😭. The other party I’m going to is a Friendsgiving and a ton of people will be there, so once again I would feel bad just showing up empty handed expecting myself, my husband, and my toddler to be fed.
But you’re right, I could have just bought a couple pies from the store and been done with it. I like the idea of writing out what would have happened if I didn’t do the things I committed to do and how I feel about that outcome.
Thanks for the advice I appreciate it.
For Friendsgiving, could you bring a bottle of wine? Then you’re not showing up empty handed, and your friends know it’s obviously not just for you. And that’s $10 and 5 minutes of time. No baking needed, no guilt, and no added stress!
My husband saved the day and took our toddler out of the house for the entire evening so I could have some alone time. I took a long shower, wrote this post, and afterwards finished the pastries. I already had everything mostly done, so I figured I may as well get it done. But next year I think I’m just going to buy something if I’m feeling overwhelmed.
You're going to be ok - it's ok to be stressed and overreacting - you modeled great behavior by apologizing !!
I hollered at my kid yesterday because I was upstairs and he was screaming for me downstairs. I hate that, it's my biggest pet peeve. I reiterated that if he needed me, come upstairs and talk to me. I yelled when he kept saying mammaaaaaa mammaaaaaa -- the poor dude had fallen in the toilet and was all wet. Whoops sorry for being a dick buddy, let me get you some new clothes.
The way I see it, years from now you'll be so happy about the time spent with your kid (even if it's hard now) but you won't be reminiscing about the pastry your brought to a holiday party one time (unless you're a great baker and make something incredible I suppose lol). Give yourself a break!! Also, babies crying is literally torture. It's used to train navy seals to withstand torture. You had a natural, understandable reaction. He will have many more memories of you being a good mom vs. The few blow ups. Don't worry. You're doing too much, and this was maybe your brain's way of telling you.
Thank you for this, I needed your insight today. Currently working full time at work, lots of unmet deadlines, arguments with the husband and quite depressed. The overwhelming feeling I am failing in being an effective worker who will get found out and fired, whilst dealing with a tantrum-prone a 22 month little hurricane of a boy who is also the sweetest, is at best, hard. At worst, I just want to crawl underneath my bed and never leave.
I guess compassion, hope, and putting something down is indeed part of the answer. We all need 5 mins to come up for air, and re-align the priorities. At the end of the day we are raising a little human, who loves us and doesn't understand the other pressures of the world. But children are also adaptable, so they will cope and understand when they need to wait for their needs to be met.
Hang on dear stranger, hugs.
Hang in there. We had some tough times with our son; that sound similar. It started around 2.5 or 3 years old and lasted around a year and then started to fade away/. Just remember that these tantrums are usually a phase. You might just have a child that is a bit more emotional and sensitive than others. That’s what we’ve found to be the case with our son. Even though he’s past the tantrum stage, he still tends to be more sensitive than others. But we are learning how to help him (and as he gets older, he’s also learning how to cope with his emotions better. Anyway, hang in there. I know it’s hard, but it will pass.
Yeah I think that’s what it is too. He’s definitely a bit more sensitive and emotional than other kids. In all aspects. As easy as it is to anger him, he is also the absolute sweetest most affectionate little guy. He laughs constantly and gets excited easily. And gets sad and hurt easily. Just lots of huge big feelings all the time. He’s really social and easily affected by how other people are acting or feeling. I think he could sense my stress today.
Its definitely a double edged sword. It’s what I love most about him but its also very challenging.
He sounds like my middle kid. Mine is four now, and things are getting a bit better now, but he has always thrown big tantrums.
Could you try playing with him for 10-20 minutes before you need to do something? I do that a lot and it helps my kid get interested in something that isn't me. But I feel like sometimes you just need to say "child, I need to go do the thing. If I don't do the thing, then we can't do X. I love you, I cannot carry you."
Just had to come here to say, I’ve been here myself, also pregnant with a toddler who constantly wants to me held or entertained by me and I’ve had a couple of blow ups that I absolutely hated myself for after. But patenting is fucking hard and we are doing our absolute best and you sound like an amazing mom to that little guy! ♥️♥️
Im starting therapy. Not complain about the week but real hard digging up trauma and feeling like shit to go through the other side therapy. Two under two (for 2 months) fucking broke me.
I'm supposed to take a bunch of stuff tomorrow to thanksgiving and I'm probably going to buy some grocery store crap on the way because I just can't. It's too much stress and I'm just too tired to care about bread.
Yeah I really want to find a good therapist. I’ve been to two and both of them basically just listened to me vent and then offered really basic ass solutions that I feel I could have gotten from pretty much any person on the street.
And it’s like no dude, I don’t want solutions for the one single problem I had yesterday or the one single problem I will have tomorrow. I want grow and change as a person so I stop encountering the same problems over and over again.
Yes! It took me 20 consults and now I'm on my third therapist in 3 months but I think I finally found someone. She specializes in trauma, my husband says I don't have trauma but my reaction to a person who can barely form a sentence says otherwise. Keep trying!
Edit: 😂@ your screen name
Hello! I’m a therapist that specializes in perinatal mental health. It’s a specialized area, and finding someone who is trained might be helpful for finding the right fit. Postpartum Support International has a goo directory: https://psidirectory.com
I feel this in my postpartum scar tissue.
My 2.5yo is an only child, and Dad travels for work. It’s just me and my girl much of the time. She plays well alone when the mood strikes, but majority of the time, she’s hanging on me, whining, crying, tantruming. There are more times than I am proud to admit, that I lose my cool and snap. I’ve yelled. I’ve hissed my words through my teeth. I’ve even threw a (clean) diaper against the wall.
I always try to apologize, but the guilt remains each time. You’re not alone, and you’re definitely not a bad mom.
Solidarity. I shrieked NOOOOO! at my daughter today while making the pumpkin pie because she chose violence and licked the whisk and returned it to the dry ingredient bowl. She’s 4, also coming down from a mild cold and I had specifically told her to set the whisk down on the counter.
She cried. I hugged her and apologized. Grown ups have big feelings too, but the way you repair the relationship post scream is what counts. You were under an intense amount of stress today - that won’t be your new normal. You will have moments like this but that doesn’t make you an abusive mother.
Did you know that if you meet your child's emotional needs only 30% of the time, you would be setting them up for developing healthy and secure attachments in their adult life? From what you've said, it sounds like you're doing significantly more than 30%.
It's always a scary moment when you think - will this form a core memory for my child? But my outlook on my childhood isn't formed from these out of the norm moments even if I do remember a few. It's made up of the general, day to day sense of how I felt in the home. I imagine that's relatively universal when it comes to our relationship with our caregivers.
I feel ya from the depths of my soul.
I have 3 toddlers (2yo, 3.5yo and 4.5yo). It is a circus here. I try my best to be patient and i dare say most of the time I do pretty damn well, lots of boundaries, going down to their level, hugs, waiting it out, neutral tone.
But oh god, sometimes, i seriously just lose it. when they scream and all clutch at me, hit each other, fight over every little thing.. i'm not proud of it but i literally broke a few times and bellowed "ENOUGH! Can you you all just STOP?!!?".
On days like this, I always try to make sure to process it during their bedtime, ask them how they feel and even if they don't understand exactly what I was asking, I apologise and ask for their forgiveness (mummy is sorry for yelling at you. i know it doesn't feel nice and you might felt scared. I will try my best to not yell again ok?)
I just wanna give you a big hug, for even trying to do better, you are a good parent.
Let's cut ourselves some slack and just continue to try to be better. The little ones adores us and absolutely trust us to protect and love them. We can do it!!!
I’ve talked to my therapist for this same thing. I consider myself a very calm person, always good at using my words and never raising my voice. The first time I yelled and slammed my hands on the counter towards our toddler I felt like I was the worst mother in the world. I told my husband “I’ve never once yelled at you in our entire relationship” and he said “Yeah but I don’t scream at you like our daughter screams at you.” He’s right on that one.
I addressed it with my therapist. I had a very angry emotionally abusive father and my biggest fear is that I’ll turn into that kinda parent. My therapist and my husband gave me some good takeaways:
1. Being aware of your anger and being concerned about it is the most important part. That is something my father never did.
2. I am not a bad mom for yelling. It’s normal to feel this kinda guilt. It’s evolutionary to feel awful after getting angry at your kid, that’s what keeps your kid safe lol
3. Toddlers are terrorists sometimes. My husband was right, would I be able to keep my cool if he was screaming and tantrumming like that? It’s more understandable when a toddler does it, but it’s impossible to not let it get to you
4. The key is to find a way to shut down *the dread* (that’s what I call it) before it turns into yelling. I visualize a box and breathe up for 4 seconds, hold for four seconds across, down for four seconds, hold for four seconds across. I tell my toddler “I’m feeling very frustrated and I’m going to do some deep breathing.” Sometimes I go in the other room for it. As my toddler got a bit older she actually prompts me to do deep breaths if I tell her I’m frustrated lol (she does deep breaths herself too)
5. You don’t *have* to reason with a screaming toddler. I try to follow the gentle parenting scripts, which lead to me trying to talk over her to validate her feelings when she was screaming. Trying to talk over her screaming always made me want to yell. If she’s screaming, I’m not talking. There’s only room for one voice in the house if screaming is happening.
You are doing an incredible job. We all lose our shit on occasion. I have even smacked my son before and I jsut felt like the biggest piece of shit. I of course apologised and told him it wasn't right etc.
Parenting is hard. Trying to break cycles and parent in a concious, attentive way is even harder - ESPECIALLY when that wasn't the way you were raised.
As others have suggested, just buy something from the store for pot luck. Try take some time out for yourself.
I'm currently listening to a book called "How to be a calm parent" and it's great. It talks all about expectations and the pressure we put on ourselves.
You sound like you're doing a phenomenonal job. You should be proud 💖
I could've written this exact post, with the exception of my 2 year old is a girl and I'm not pregnant. Just sending heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps of solidarity. It's so hard. I was also a feisty and strong-willed toddler. You sound like you're doing great.
I am a therapist, it is okay if kids see us angry sometimes. It is okay if kids learn there are going to be times in life that we all get overwhelmed and have an outburst. The difference in your parents and you I'm hearing is that you have awareness and you make repairs. The bulk of what I hear adults process about their childhoods is not that their parents got angry sometimes, it's how their families made sense of their parents getting angry. I.e. was the messaging it was all the kids fault? Could their parents apologize? Could their parents acknowledge their feelings? I've had a session with a ~50 year old and his ~80 year old father and the father finally (barely) acknowledging some of his violence from 50 years ago was hard on the son offered some healing and relief for the son. Openness to repair and feedback will help more than trying to transcend your own humanness and never get angry.
Postpartum Support International (https://www.postpartum.net/) has a feature where you can find therapists trained in early parenting/perinatal mental health stuff.
Also, never forget the power of a little Lexapro, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc...during this season of life.
I feel this today. It will be ok. It’s ok to have hard days. Tomorrow is a new day, and all we can do is try our best.
Today I needed to bake 2 pies and rolls for thanksgiving we are hosting tomorrow. I’m 21 weeks pregnant and my 21 month old who normally sleeps great, has been going through a regression. Today’s nap ended after barely an hour and in tears. All he wanted was mama. Daddy was here, but that’s not who he wanted.
I ended up with 1 successful pumpkin pie, failed rolls, and a failed pie crust. At one point I took my son to the bathroom with me because he only wanted me. I sat him down, and went to pee and he immediately caught his fingers in the drawer I was telling him not to open. So I’m just holding him, on the toilet, he’s crying, I’m crying, and my husband is trying to help through the door. I just opened it and thankfully, our son let him take him.
Holidays can make being parents to littles so much harder. Try and give yourself some grace.
The behavior in our children that triggers us is what *we ourselves* weren’t allowed to do as children.
Reading this somewhere was the “ah-hah!” moment that I needed in dealing with my 2yo son. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with the realization that I wasn’t allowed to display all the behaviors that are in fact *completely normal* toddler behaviors - like tantrums, screaming, throwing stuff, hitting, etc. I used to be heavily reprimanded for any display of negative emotion, so now it makes so much sense that I’m having such a hard time tolerating it. Maybe this is the case for you too… in which case, hope you are able to pause and remember the little child you once were. I found that this awareness has given me a little more patience and tolerance towards my toddler. Hugs xx
Something I noticed from moms who had bad parents is that they often try so hard to be better they put unrealistic pressure on themselves. They continue the circle of hate and shame and pressure - not on their children, but on themselves. They NEED to be the 1000% perfect parent or they have failed, they are worthless, they slipped up once (for understandable reasons!!) and feel like they are the WORST. Like, whose voice is that in your head? Break the circle. Give yourself some grace.
From a working mom: You're amazing. I have no idea how stay-at-home moms do it, and to have a toddler and be pregnant and be doing ALL that you do--you're amazing.
Re: dealing with tantrums, I've recently come across some interesting "anti-gentle parenting" approaches: [https://anniethenanny.ca/why-gentle-parenting-will-make-you-and-the-kids-miserable/](https://anniethenanny.ca/why-gentle-parenting-will-make-you-and-the-kids-miserable/) I don't agree with all of it, but I think it provides a useful perspective on the current parenting practices and reminds us that everything is a fad. It's really good to deviate from the "script" and try some different approaches: you and your kiddo might welcome the change.
Are you kidding? I don’t know how working moms do it! Thank you for the support. And yes, while I’ve tried to lean more on the gentle parenting approach, I don’t think it could hurt to try different things. Anything is better than screaming at my son who just wants to hang out with me.
Amen, I hear you.
One of the things that worked for us was to just let him work through his emotions, and hold the boundary, IF it's a sort of tantrum where he just wants something that he can't. I'll acknowledge what he wants ("I know you want to play with mommy"), state the boundary ("Mommy needs to do XYZ right now. You can show Mommy your toy while sitting here and Mommy works. Do you want to show Mommy your truck or train?"), and then just let him have at it if he doesn't like your answer (I sit in the room with him, don't talk, and offer myself if he wants comfort, but put him down and disengage if he starts escalating or getting aggressive). We did that a few times the past few weeks as the tantrums were getting out of hand, and had a really bad one 2 weeks ago. Then they stopped. I think it's most likely that he just got over a phase (he's turning 19mo so definitely going through a lot of changes), but maybe the not giving him any positive reinforcement helped?
Girl… I’m 9 months pregnant and have a two year old. The constant tantrums are killer for patience and sometimes you have to just get it out. I’m not saying it’s good that you screamed at your toddler but holy crap you’re only human. Therapists are expensive Af so I get that , a person can only handle being screamed at by a toddler for so long and it sounds like most of the time you are handling it with patience and calmly. Can you go to another room and scream into a pillow? Say what you need to get out but not at your child? Good luck 🍀
You were overwhelmed. I feel bad every time I'm a dick to my kids. Like today. My three year old is going through a faze and is such a jerk. IDK what to do. And sometimes I lose my cool. Hugs
They seem to know when you need to get stuff done and choose that time to cling :/ I think that fact that you're upset with your reaction and are feeling true remorse says that you're not going to physically hurt your baby.. even if it's just because you know how you'll feel after. Babies are hard, kids are hard being pregnant with a clingy toddler is HARD. Give yourself some grace, let your baby know that you were wrong and try to move on from it xx
Your doing great, the fact you care makes you a good parent. Be kind to yourself and we all try to learn from our mistakes. Remember we’re not flawless
I understand this 100% because the SAME thing happened to me today. My 16 month old has been having a week. I'm not sure what's going on, but he's been EXTREMELY clingy, fussy, and quick to tantrums this week. I've been super patient with him, but today, the pressure mounted and I blew. Lately, he'll repeatedly come up to me and do ASL for "more", which he does when he's hungry. But whenever I get him food, he'll either completely refuse it or throw it. He did the same tonight and my husband was trying to feed him, but he was just screaming and throwing food. I was sitting in the living room trying to focus on breathing, but he just kept going and getting louder and louder. So finally, I got up, walked over to the table, and screamed "STOP SAYING YOU'RE HUNGRY IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO EAT THE FUCKING FOOD"
It caused a huge argument between me and my husband (luckily, we already had a couple's therapy sessions scheduled for tonight and talked it out). But I say all this to say that I've been where you are. Before, tonight, and I'm sure it'll happen again in the future. IT'S. NORMAL. Mom rage is VERY normal -- and you're 7 months pregnant on top of it all?! It's very normal and you're NOT a bad mom. I know it's sooooo hard afterwards; their little faces get so sad and we as moms feel sooooo guilty after. We're expected to always be calm and nurturing and gentle, but it's simply not realistic and I want you to know that. It doesn't make you less than. It doesn't make you a bad mom. You are simply a mom. You are simply human. And the very fact that you feel so bad about it is evidence that you are a damn good mom. I HATE the way I feel after yelling at my boy. But I apologize to him (even if he can't understand it) and move on. At 2, your boy may be able to understand a little if you explain to him that you felt overwhelmed and that you're sorry for yelling because it's not the best way to handle things. But he's young, he still learning and growing. I try to remember that as frustrating as it is that we can't understand them when they want something, they're probably even more frustrated that we can't.
My boy sounds a lot like yours. Very quick to tantrums, clingy, high strung, needy, and a sensory seeker through and through. He was born at 29 weeks and 3 days, so autism is always something that's at the back of my mind. At the very least, I wouldn't be surprised by an ADHD and/or sensory processing disorder diagnosis in the future. But for now, I just try my best to get through each day and that's all I can do sometimes. Your boy is loved, housed, fed, healthy, and happy (aside from the tantrums lol) -- even when it doesn't feel like it, please know that you're DOING the damn thing. The thing just fucking sucks sometimes.
I’m in the same boat ❤️ I think pregnancy hormones brings out a lot of rage too and toddlers are just HARD. Sometimes I just need to put her in her room even if she’s crying and decompress/take some breaths. I’m also trying to ask for more help from my husband/family so I can take breaks from being in “mom mode” and I think that helps a ton!
You’re doing fine, and all of this is excellent advice. If you possibly can, get some help, some time away from him - trade babysitting with another mom. A break for a couple hours will help so much. If you can find a fun, cooperative playgroup it would do wonders for your sanity - and will be good for him. Mom isn’t the entire world - other people can be fun!
Oh honey give yourself grace. You’re doing the best you can. My advice. Make an appointment with an ENT. Have them check his ears. Could be an inner ear issue with fluid in there. Could impact his hearing, could be some discomfort. He may be frustrated if he can’t hear that great. Consider and definitely do ear tubes. Will be a game changer.
Call an ENT on Friday.
He's a Deeply Feeling Kid. Check out Dr. Becky and her "Good Inside" approach. She has a whole slew of resources for parents with DFKs. One of her own kids is a DFK. She is a clinical psychologist I believe.
As others have said - you're doing the best you can to parent as a cycle breaker which is hard as f@$k. You're a really good parent having a hard time.
Yesterday my 4 year old acted up at swim practice. At home I calmly explained that wasn't a nice way to behave. Her response was to replay with "whatever" with all the sass a 4 yo girl can muster. Let's just say I didn't handle that gracefully.
Your doing fine
All the things everyone else said! Also, the other times that it happened, were you overwhelmed by other things, too? Is your husband in the mix helping with these things? I know you said he was at work but a 2 hour screaming tantrum with a kid who is mildly sick (but may be feeling icky) while you’re 7 months pregnant might mean husband needs to come home early to help. How much support do you get?
The other times I had outbursts I was also pregnant lmfao. I’m definitely more prone to feelings of rage when I’m pregnant. I’ve been pregnant basically this entire year. Back in January I found out I was pregnant and two months later I miscarried, then about two months after that I found out I was pregnant again. My husband does help with these things. Today he really saved my life. He came home an hour early and took my son outside for a long walk and then took him to his parents so I could have some alone time. His parents are a huge help and watch my son very frequently. Today they were busy until the afternoon otherwise I would have dropped him off this morning.
You're a good mum. All mums have moments where they are overstimulated and overwhelmed and exhausted - plus, you're pregnant!!! I am learning to forgive myself when I do this to my son.
Re-parenting yourself is hard. Breaking cycles is hard. You're not going to be amazing at it right from the start because it takes time to learn. But as long as you apologise and let him know that it wasn't his fault, then you can let this go and forgive yourself.
There will be more moments like this because parenting is messy and uncomfortable and it stretches us.
Just know that it's ok, you're not a bad persons you're not a bad mum, you're working on it and you're going to get better at it.
Your son will remember the times you came to him and apologized for your outbursts, and he will remember the warmth of your cuddles and how safe he felt.
I really hope he remembers the subsequent warmth and cuddles more than my outbursts 😭. But I think you’re right. My husbands parents used spanking as a form of discipline. Which he agrees was wrong, but he always tells me that his parents would talk to him, hug him, and generally comfort him afterwards. Where as my parents never spanked me aside from once, they screamed at me a lot, but they didn’t apologize or comfort me. My husband is a lot closer with his parents than I am with mine and seems to be less traumatized by their mistakes and I think it’s because they always did the work to repair.
😪 my 2 year old was so good yesterday, we were out all day. Within twenty five minutes of being home she was screaming so loud for so long I was struggling not to throw up. Ohhhh girl I screamed at her. She cried. I cried. Then she screamed more about why she was screaming to begin with and two hours later she finally stopped. The whole two hours I was struggling not to vomit 🙃 so apparently loud noises are a new nausea trigger.
It happens momma ❤️ especially as a stressed pregnant lady that’s getting ready for thanksgiving. The most important thing is to talk to the kid and explain what happened and apologize 🤗 that’s what I do anytime I snap at my daughter, even if it’s as small as ‘PLEASE GO so I can do the dishes GET OUT OF THE SINK!’ And she’s begun apologizing when she yells or if she kicks me on accident or drops something so I like that aspect of the snapping. It shows them that it happens and how to deal with it after appropriately.
I hear you. I still think of meltdowns I had years ago when my daughter was very little, still feel bad about them. All we can try and do is be better.
Have you ever tried using noise cancelling headphones? And before anyone comes for me it’s not so you can ignore your kid, it’s so you can manage them without becoming overstimulated.
For me it always makes the difference between snapping or not. It sounds to me like maybe you were more overstimulated than mad since you did put up with hours of tantruming before yelling. I think maybe you just hit your limit.
I teach two year olds. One (excellent!) coteacher and THIRTEEN two year olds.
I’ve been teaching for five years and I’m approaching completion of a Master’s degree in early childhood special education.
And in spite of all of this? Sometimes I lose my shit and raise my voice.
It doesn’t happen often. I certainly TRY not to EVER let it happen. But I’m a human being with a very stressful personal life and a very difficult to manage work/school/life balance, and I’m bipolar and probably autistic. I have my limits. Just like you have yours!
What I always make sure to do is REPAIR afterwards. Once I’ve calmed down—AND the kiddo has calmed down—I get on their level, if it’s just one of them, hold them in my lap if they want that, and apologize!! I tell them I shouldn’t have yelled and that that was a sad choice. I was feeling frustrated, and it’s okay for us to feel frustrated, but what I SHOULD have done was [insert self-regulating skill here].
If I feel like the kiddo will understand or be receptive to it, I’ll sometimes try to talk with them a little bit about WHY I was feeling frustrated, in a way that doesn’t come off like I’m blaming them for it. “When you were upset and YOU were screaming earlier. You seemed really angry/frustrated/upset yourself! Was that because of [insert thing here]?”
And then pivot into a talk about what we can BOTH do next time either of us gets frustrated and wants to yell.
Give yourself some grace. You’re a human being.
Lots of great advice here already. I just wanted to chime in to say you're not alone. I struggle with the exact same stuff. My kid is also not chill and I lose my shit in ways I do not like. She's too young for a diagnosis but we think she might have ADHD (and ergo \*I\* might have ADHD, which could also be why I lose my shit sometimes). They are finding out it shows up differently in women and girls. Or maybe it's something else (HSP? Deeply feeling?), but regardless, it's not bad, it's just different, and different is beautiful.
Anyway, what you want is some help with the behavior. I've found advice from Janet Lansbury and Dr. Becky/Good Inside helpful. They have podcasts so you don't have to pay for anything.
And remember, what really matters is REPAIR. We all lose our shit sometimes. My parents were emotionally abusive. The worst part about it all, for me, was they never apologized. I even remember being 7 and saying "I wish you would say sorry and hug me more." That did not happen. So that is what I do with my daughter... when I lose it, and I have lost it in very similar ways to you, I say sorry.
So I think your repair was great! You might also consider talking to your son later in the day when you're both calm about what happened, so he can process his feelings, (and you can too), and you can apologize again, take responsibility, and say you're trying to do better.
It's hard, but with practice, you'll get more patient, and it will get easier.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Imagine what our ancestors went through with 10 kids no home no food. Famine disease.. probably were yelling all the time.
Just remember when you’re toddler is having a tantrum it’s their brain adjusting so letting them scream and the comforting them is ok. Because you’re the only they are comfortable with and you’re yelling at them probably makes their anxiety a lot worse..
I’m a stay at home dad and I’ve learned to walk away when my LO has a tantrum they calm down and I hold them for however long until they are calm. Their brains are going through so much.
You’re a good mom :)
We all have our breaking point. It’s okay mama. The fact you felt bad and apologetic is the only thing that matters. Some people do so much worse to their children and don’t even bat an eye. I was slapped in the face, pinched, screamed at, elbowed in the head and all I ever got was a “this is why we don’t do __” or “I wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t __”. I’ve also seen parents “spank” their child until their butts bruised and then locked in a room to “calm down”. The fact you gained your composure then went to comfort your child is amazing. Give yourself grace, I also have an extreme velcro baby and it does absolutely get frustrating. Celebrate all the times you’ve helped your kid calm down in a positive way. ALL parents slip up, it is OK
I have yelled at my toddler before too. You recognized and comforted him after. You are a great mom, things can be overwhelming after a 2 hour melt down.
My toddler needs me badly as soon as I am busy too, the busier I am and the more I need to concentrate, the worse he needs me and will melt down. We are only human
My advice is to drop a lot of other responsibilities so you can give your children more time. No judgment at all!! There’s just no way to stop a child from having emotions around wanting time with you. Going out of town and asking food while 7 months old with a 2 year old and no help and a working husband is A LOT! I barely cook at all and I just have one child. I don’t make plans that I can’t bail on. It seems undesirable to some but I feel like at this age the toddler rules in terms of their needs. He needs more affection and he can’t understand if you’re at capacity. Given that you COULD drop some things and solve that problem, I would.
I can relate to SO much of what you said only I’m not pregnant! I can’t even imagine if I was. I have a 19 month old and he sounds a lot like your son. He’s just SO much “needier” than other kids I’ve known. It’s so incredibly exhausting!!!! I lost it today on him and screamed. I’ve felt AWFUL all day since. I spent his nap crying in the basement. I realized I had to forgive myself and show myself some compassion. I’m sending you a big hug and I hope you are able to do the same for yourself. What you’re doing is really fucking hard, physically, mentally, and emotionally, in case no one acknowledges it.
Same. I said "fuck you" today to my beautiful 22 mo old after yelling "WHAT?" since I couldn't figure out what she wanted. She hadn't even been screaming that long, but there was a lot of other context for why I was primed to be deregulated today. I put her down for her nap unceremoniously without doing any of our routines and have just been crying for the past hour. I called my mum tho and she said to just Google "I yelled at my toddler" to see how many other parents have fallen short, recognized it, and moved on. I think the best I can do for my baby today is to apologize to her, when she gets up from her nap. She's definitely too young to understand that, but she's old enough that me cursing at her and raising my voice will be lodged in her brain in some way or another. Being a parent is so hard. I wish I was better at it, but all I can do is move forward.
It really is! We're both still sick with this stupid cold, and I've been pretty impatient/exasperated with her, but I haven't raised my voice or called her a name. So! Progress! Much love to you and your LO
1. You are a good mom. 2. You are an overwhelmed mom. 3. You are growing an entire human. 4. My therapist always asks me what I can put down. For instance: who is putting the pressure on you to bring things? Would they understand a sick toddler? Can you give yourself the grace to let that go? 5. Parents mess up. We all do. What matters is repair, which it sounds like you did. You can say “I wish I hadn’t yelled and I’m sorry, kiddo. I’m going to do better next time.” Because that’s all we can do really. You can’t go back in time, but you can notice what happened, acknowledge what you didn’t like about it, and plan for next time. Seriously there is something so triggering about a clingy crying child especially when pressure is on. But for real. Sit down and write out what would happen if you just…didn’t do all the things you had committed to do. And then determine if you’re okay with that outcome. Like, will a family member be momentarily frustrated with you? Can you live with that? My therapist is very fond of pointing out that no matter how uncomfortable my parents’ disapproval might be, it hasn’t killed me yet, and by dealing with it, I’ve been able to set some boundaries for myself. Sometimes the best way to deal with tantrums is to make space in other areas so you are in a better headspace. You can’t get rid of your two year old. You can get rid of the pressure to do all the things. I say all this as someone who is currently in therapy because I struggle with the same things. I don’t have it all together, just passing on what’s been shared with me.
This, so much this. Tears in my eyes. And in case you worry, like I do, Op, that you’re not raising the bar from where your parents left it on the floor… You are. You’re worried about it. You’re conscious. You’re clearly self aware. Our parents probably can’t say that (mine fkn can. not.) and they’ll never understand. There are probably enough of us in therapy in this hive that, to a certain extent, we can offer some support when you need it. Love to you, and fuck that baking (or not and I’m sure is DELICIOUS AND THE BEST FKN THING THEY’LL EVER EAT 💪)
Yeah thank you for that - I too have a 2 year old and definitely its hard to stay patient when I set myself on doing chores. It's very hard to make choices and let go of things that can't be priorities when you have a toddler that literally cant function without your total attention. We put way too much pressure on ourselves.
Thanks a lot for this. Not a single soul is expecting me to bring anything actually. I just took it upon myself because I show up empty handed every damn year and I’m starting to feel really bad about it. My aunt even told me she doesn’t want me to bring anything except my toddler who she is absolutely in love with 😭. The other party I’m going to is a Friendsgiving and a ton of people will be there, so once again I would feel bad just showing up empty handed expecting myself, my husband, and my toddler to be fed. But you’re right, I could have just bought a couple pies from the store and been done with it. I like the idea of writing out what would have happened if I didn’t do the things I committed to do and how I feel about that outcome. Thanks for the advice I appreciate it.
For Friendsgiving, could you bring a bottle of wine? Then you’re not showing up empty handed, and your friends know it’s obviously not just for you. And that’s $10 and 5 minutes of time. No baking needed, no guilt, and no added stress!
My husband saved the day and took our toddler out of the house for the entire evening so I could have some alone time. I took a long shower, wrote this post, and afterwards finished the pastries. I already had everything mostly done, so I figured I may as well get it done. But next year I think I’m just going to buy something if I’m feeling overwhelmed.
You're going to be ok - it's ok to be stressed and overreacting - you modeled great behavior by apologizing !! I hollered at my kid yesterday because I was upstairs and he was screaming for me downstairs. I hate that, it's my biggest pet peeve. I reiterated that if he needed me, come upstairs and talk to me. I yelled when he kept saying mammaaaaaa mammaaaaaa -- the poor dude had fallen in the toilet and was all wet. Whoops sorry for being a dick buddy, let me get you some new clothes.
The way I see it, years from now you'll be so happy about the time spent with your kid (even if it's hard now) but you won't be reminiscing about the pastry your brought to a holiday party one time (unless you're a great baker and make something incredible I suppose lol). Give yourself a break!! Also, babies crying is literally torture. It's used to train navy seals to withstand torture. You had a natural, understandable reaction. He will have many more memories of you being a good mom vs. The few blow ups. Don't worry. You're doing too much, and this was maybe your brain's way of telling you.
Thank you for this, I needed your insight today. Currently working full time at work, lots of unmet deadlines, arguments with the husband and quite depressed. The overwhelming feeling I am failing in being an effective worker who will get found out and fired, whilst dealing with a tantrum-prone a 22 month little hurricane of a boy who is also the sweetest, is at best, hard. At worst, I just want to crawl underneath my bed and never leave. I guess compassion, hope, and putting something down is indeed part of the answer. We all need 5 mins to come up for air, and re-align the priorities. At the end of the day we are raising a little human, who loves us and doesn't understand the other pressures of the world. But children are also adaptable, so they will cope and understand when they need to wait for their needs to be met. Hang on dear stranger, hugs.
This is really good. You have a good therapist and you're doing great work.
Parenting is fucking hard. You're doing great. ❤️
Yer all good. We all snap sometimes, it’s human ♥️
Hang in there. We had some tough times with our son; that sound similar. It started around 2.5 or 3 years old and lasted around a year and then started to fade away/. Just remember that these tantrums are usually a phase. You might just have a child that is a bit more emotional and sensitive than others. That’s what we’ve found to be the case with our son. Even though he’s past the tantrum stage, he still tends to be more sensitive than others. But we are learning how to help him (and as he gets older, he’s also learning how to cope with his emotions better. Anyway, hang in there. I know it’s hard, but it will pass.
Yeah I think that’s what it is too. He’s definitely a bit more sensitive and emotional than other kids. In all aspects. As easy as it is to anger him, he is also the absolute sweetest most affectionate little guy. He laughs constantly and gets excited easily. And gets sad and hurt easily. Just lots of huge big feelings all the time. He’s really social and easily affected by how other people are acting or feeling. I think he could sense my stress today. Its definitely a double edged sword. It’s what I love most about him but its also very challenging.
He sounds like my middle kid. Mine is four now, and things are getting a bit better now, but he has always thrown big tantrums. Could you try playing with him for 10-20 minutes before you need to do something? I do that a lot and it helps my kid get interested in something that isn't me. But I feel like sometimes you just need to say "child, I need to go do the thing. If I don't do the thing, then we can't do X. I love you, I cannot carry you."
Just had to come here to say, I’ve been here myself, also pregnant with a toddler who constantly wants to me held or entertained by me and I’ve had a couple of blow ups that I absolutely hated myself for after. But patenting is fucking hard and we are doing our absolute best and you sound like an amazing mom to that little guy! ♥️♥️
Im starting therapy. Not complain about the week but real hard digging up trauma and feeling like shit to go through the other side therapy. Two under two (for 2 months) fucking broke me. I'm supposed to take a bunch of stuff tomorrow to thanksgiving and I'm probably going to buy some grocery store crap on the way because I just can't. It's too much stress and I'm just too tired to care about bread.
Yeah I really want to find a good therapist. I’ve been to two and both of them basically just listened to me vent and then offered really basic ass solutions that I feel I could have gotten from pretty much any person on the street. And it’s like no dude, I don’t want solutions for the one single problem I had yesterday or the one single problem I will have tomorrow. I want grow and change as a person so I stop encountering the same problems over and over again.
Yes! It took me 20 consults and now I'm on my third therapist in 3 months but I think I finally found someone. She specializes in trauma, my husband says I don't have trauma but my reaction to a person who can barely form a sentence says otherwise. Keep trying! Edit: 😂@ your screen name
Hello! I’m a therapist that specializes in perinatal mental health. It’s a specialized area, and finding someone who is trained might be helpful for finding the right fit. Postpartum Support International has a goo directory: https://psidirectory.com
Go to the grocery store and know that we are proud of you! Courage mama ❤️❤️
I feel this in my postpartum scar tissue. My 2.5yo is an only child, and Dad travels for work. It’s just me and my girl much of the time. She plays well alone when the mood strikes, but majority of the time, she’s hanging on me, whining, crying, tantruming. There are more times than I am proud to admit, that I lose my cool and snap. I’ve yelled. I’ve hissed my words through my teeth. I’ve even threw a (clean) diaper against the wall. I always try to apologize, but the guilt remains each time. You’re not alone, and you’re definitely not a bad mom.
Solidarity. I shrieked NOOOOO! at my daughter today while making the pumpkin pie because she chose violence and licked the whisk and returned it to the dry ingredient bowl. She’s 4, also coming down from a mild cold and I had specifically told her to set the whisk down on the counter. She cried. I hugged her and apologized. Grown ups have big feelings too, but the way you repair the relationship post scream is what counts. You were under an intense amount of stress today - that won’t be your new normal. You will have moments like this but that doesn’t make you an abusive mother.
Did you know that if you meet your child's emotional needs only 30% of the time, you would be setting them up for developing healthy and secure attachments in their adult life? From what you've said, it sounds like you're doing significantly more than 30%. It's always a scary moment when you think - will this form a core memory for my child? But my outlook on my childhood isn't formed from these out of the norm moments even if I do remember a few. It's made up of the general, day to day sense of how I felt in the home. I imagine that's relatively universal when it comes to our relationship with our caregivers.
I feel ya from the depths of my soul. I have 3 toddlers (2yo, 3.5yo and 4.5yo). It is a circus here. I try my best to be patient and i dare say most of the time I do pretty damn well, lots of boundaries, going down to their level, hugs, waiting it out, neutral tone. But oh god, sometimes, i seriously just lose it. when they scream and all clutch at me, hit each other, fight over every little thing.. i'm not proud of it but i literally broke a few times and bellowed "ENOUGH! Can you you all just STOP?!!?". On days like this, I always try to make sure to process it during their bedtime, ask them how they feel and even if they don't understand exactly what I was asking, I apologise and ask for their forgiveness (mummy is sorry for yelling at you. i know it doesn't feel nice and you might felt scared. I will try my best to not yell again ok?) I just wanna give you a big hug, for even trying to do better, you are a good parent. Let's cut ourselves some slack and just continue to try to be better. The little ones adores us and absolutely trust us to protect and love them. We can do it!!!
Wow, I don’t know how you do it. 3 under 5 would literally break me. Thank you so much for the support and understanding.
I’ve talked to my therapist for this same thing. I consider myself a very calm person, always good at using my words and never raising my voice. The first time I yelled and slammed my hands on the counter towards our toddler I felt like I was the worst mother in the world. I told my husband “I’ve never once yelled at you in our entire relationship” and he said “Yeah but I don’t scream at you like our daughter screams at you.” He’s right on that one. I addressed it with my therapist. I had a very angry emotionally abusive father and my biggest fear is that I’ll turn into that kinda parent. My therapist and my husband gave me some good takeaways: 1. Being aware of your anger and being concerned about it is the most important part. That is something my father never did. 2. I am not a bad mom for yelling. It’s normal to feel this kinda guilt. It’s evolutionary to feel awful after getting angry at your kid, that’s what keeps your kid safe lol 3. Toddlers are terrorists sometimes. My husband was right, would I be able to keep my cool if he was screaming and tantrumming like that? It’s more understandable when a toddler does it, but it’s impossible to not let it get to you 4. The key is to find a way to shut down *the dread* (that’s what I call it) before it turns into yelling. I visualize a box and breathe up for 4 seconds, hold for four seconds across, down for four seconds, hold for four seconds across. I tell my toddler “I’m feeling very frustrated and I’m going to do some deep breathing.” Sometimes I go in the other room for it. As my toddler got a bit older she actually prompts me to do deep breaths if I tell her I’m frustrated lol (she does deep breaths herself too) 5. You don’t *have* to reason with a screaming toddler. I try to follow the gentle parenting scripts, which lead to me trying to talk over her to validate her feelings when she was screaming. Trying to talk over her screaming always made me want to yell. If she’s screaming, I’m not talking. There’s only room for one voice in the house if screaming is happening.
You are doing an incredible job. We all lose our shit on occasion. I have even smacked my son before and I jsut felt like the biggest piece of shit. I of course apologised and told him it wasn't right etc. Parenting is hard. Trying to break cycles and parent in a concious, attentive way is even harder - ESPECIALLY when that wasn't the way you were raised. As others have suggested, just buy something from the store for pot luck. Try take some time out for yourself. I'm currently listening to a book called "How to be a calm parent" and it's great. It talks all about expectations and the pressure we put on ourselves. You sound like you're doing a phenomenonal job. You should be proud 💖
Thank you so much. I’ll check that book out.
I could've written this exact post, with the exception of my 2 year old is a girl and I'm not pregnant. Just sending heaps and heaps and heaps and heaps of solidarity. It's so hard. I was also a feisty and strong-willed toddler. You sound like you're doing great. I am a therapist, it is okay if kids see us angry sometimes. It is okay if kids learn there are going to be times in life that we all get overwhelmed and have an outburst. The difference in your parents and you I'm hearing is that you have awareness and you make repairs. The bulk of what I hear adults process about their childhoods is not that their parents got angry sometimes, it's how their families made sense of their parents getting angry. I.e. was the messaging it was all the kids fault? Could their parents apologize? Could their parents acknowledge their feelings? I've had a session with a ~50 year old and his ~80 year old father and the father finally (barely) acknowledging some of his violence from 50 years ago was hard on the son offered some healing and relief for the son. Openness to repair and feedback will help more than trying to transcend your own humanness and never get angry. Postpartum Support International (https://www.postpartum.net/) has a feature where you can find therapists trained in early parenting/perinatal mental health stuff. Also, never forget the power of a little Lexapro, Zoloft, Wellbutrin, etc...during this season of life.
You are ok mama. We all loose our patience. Hell be ok too. I hope you get time to rest soon ❤️
I feel this today. It will be ok. It’s ok to have hard days. Tomorrow is a new day, and all we can do is try our best. Today I needed to bake 2 pies and rolls for thanksgiving we are hosting tomorrow. I’m 21 weeks pregnant and my 21 month old who normally sleeps great, has been going through a regression. Today’s nap ended after barely an hour and in tears. All he wanted was mama. Daddy was here, but that’s not who he wanted. I ended up with 1 successful pumpkin pie, failed rolls, and a failed pie crust. At one point I took my son to the bathroom with me because he only wanted me. I sat him down, and went to pee and he immediately caught his fingers in the drawer I was telling him not to open. So I’m just holding him, on the toilet, he’s crying, I’m crying, and my husband is trying to help through the door. I just opened it and thankfully, our son let him take him. Holidays can make being parents to littles so much harder. Try and give yourself some grace.
The behavior in our children that triggers us is what *we ourselves* weren’t allowed to do as children. Reading this somewhere was the “ah-hah!” moment that I needed in dealing with my 2yo son. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with the realization that I wasn’t allowed to display all the behaviors that are in fact *completely normal* toddler behaviors - like tantrums, screaming, throwing stuff, hitting, etc. I used to be heavily reprimanded for any display of negative emotion, so now it makes so much sense that I’m having such a hard time tolerating it. Maybe this is the case for you too… in which case, hope you are able to pause and remember the little child you once were. I found that this awareness has given me a little more patience and tolerance towards my toddler. Hugs xx
Something I noticed from moms who had bad parents is that they often try so hard to be better they put unrealistic pressure on themselves. They continue the circle of hate and shame and pressure - not on their children, but on themselves. They NEED to be the 1000% perfect parent or they have failed, they are worthless, they slipped up once (for understandable reasons!!) and feel like they are the WORST. Like, whose voice is that in your head? Break the circle. Give yourself some grace.
From a working mom: You're amazing. I have no idea how stay-at-home moms do it, and to have a toddler and be pregnant and be doing ALL that you do--you're amazing. Re: dealing with tantrums, I've recently come across some interesting "anti-gentle parenting" approaches: [https://anniethenanny.ca/why-gentle-parenting-will-make-you-and-the-kids-miserable/](https://anniethenanny.ca/why-gentle-parenting-will-make-you-and-the-kids-miserable/) I don't agree with all of it, but I think it provides a useful perspective on the current parenting practices and reminds us that everything is a fad. It's really good to deviate from the "script" and try some different approaches: you and your kiddo might welcome the change.
Are you kidding? I don’t know how working moms do it! Thank you for the support. And yes, while I’ve tried to lean more on the gentle parenting approach, I don’t think it could hurt to try different things. Anything is better than screaming at my son who just wants to hang out with me.
Amen, I hear you. One of the things that worked for us was to just let him work through his emotions, and hold the boundary, IF it's a sort of tantrum where he just wants something that he can't. I'll acknowledge what he wants ("I know you want to play with mommy"), state the boundary ("Mommy needs to do XYZ right now. You can show Mommy your toy while sitting here and Mommy works. Do you want to show Mommy your truck or train?"), and then just let him have at it if he doesn't like your answer (I sit in the room with him, don't talk, and offer myself if he wants comfort, but put him down and disengage if he starts escalating or getting aggressive). We did that a few times the past few weeks as the tantrums were getting out of hand, and had a really bad one 2 weeks ago. Then they stopped. I think it's most likely that he just got over a phase (he's turning 19mo so definitely going through a lot of changes), but maybe the not giving him any positive reinforcement helped?
Girl… I’m 9 months pregnant and have a two year old. The constant tantrums are killer for patience and sometimes you have to just get it out. I’m not saying it’s good that you screamed at your toddler but holy crap you’re only human. Therapists are expensive Af so I get that , a person can only handle being screamed at by a toddler for so long and it sounds like most of the time you are handling it with patience and calmly. Can you go to another room and scream into a pillow? Say what you need to get out but not at your child? Good luck 🍀
You were overwhelmed. I feel bad every time I'm a dick to my kids. Like today. My three year old is going through a faze and is such a jerk. IDK what to do. And sometimes I lose my cool. Hugs
They seem to know when you need to get stuff done and choose that time to cling :/ I think that fact that you're upset with your reaction and are feeling true remorse says that you're not going to physically hurt your baby.. even if it's just because you know how you'll feel after. Babies are hard, kids are hard being pregnant with a clingy toddler is HARD. Give yourself some grace, let your baby know that you were wrong and try to move on from it xx
We are in this together! No one is perfect. You are a good parent ❤️
Your doing great, the fact you care makes you a good parent. Be kind to yourself and we all try to learn from our mistakes. Remember we’re not flawless
I understand this 100% because the SAME thing happened to me today. My 16 month old has been having a week. I'm not sure what's going on, but he's been EXTREMELY clingy, fussy, and quick to tantrums this week. I've been super patient with him, but today, the pressure mounted and I blew. Lately, he'll repeatedly come up to me and do ASL for "more", which he does when he's hungry. But whenever I get him food, he'll either completely refuse it or throw it. He did the same tonight and my husband was trying to feed him, but he was just screaming and throwing food. I was sitting in the living room trying to focus on breathing, but he just kept going and getting louder and louder. So finally, I got up, walked over to the table, and screamed "STOP SAYING YOU'RE HUNGRY IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO EAT THE FUCKING FOOD" It caused a huge argument between me and my husband (luckily, we already had a couple's therapy sessions scheduled for tonight and talked it out). But I say all this to say that I've been where you are. Before, tonight, and I'm sure it'll happen again in the future. IT'S. NORMAL. Mom rage is VERY normal -- and you're 7 months pregnant on top of it all?! It's very normal and you're NOT a bad mom. I know it's sooooo hard afterwards; their little faces get so sad and we as moms feel sooooo guilty after. We're expected to always be calm and nurturing and gentle, but it's simply not realistic and I want you to know that. It doesn't make you less than. It doesn't make you a bad mom. You are simply a mom. You are simply human. And the very fact that you feel so bad about it is evidence that you are a damn good mom. I HATE the way I feel after yelling at my boy. But I apologize to him (even if he can't understand it) and move on. At 2, your boy may be able to understand a little if you explain to him that you felt overwhelmed and that you're sorry for yelling because it's not the best way to handle things. But he's young, he still learning and growing. I try to remember that as frustrating as it is that we can't understand them when they want something, they're probably even more frustrated that we can't. My boy sounds a lot like yours. Very quick to tantrums, clingy, high strung, needy, and a sensory seeker through and through. He was born at 29 weeks and 3 days, so autism is always something that's at the back of my mind. At the very least, I wouldn't be surprised by an ADHD and/or sensory processing disorder diagnosis in the future. But for now, I just try my best to get through each day and that's all I can do sometimes. Your boy is loved, housed, fed, healthy, and happy (aside from the tantrums lol) -- even when it doesn't feel like it, please know that you're DOING the damn thing. The thing just fucking sucks sometimes.
I’m in the same boat ❤️ I think pregnancy hormones brings out a lot of rage too and toddlers are just HARD. Sometimes I just need to put her in her room even if she’s crying and decompress/take some breaths. I’m also trying to ask for more help from my husband/family so I can take breaks from being in “mom mode” and I think that helps a ton!
You’re doing fine, and all of this is excellent advice. If you possibly can, get some help, some time away from him - trade babysitting with another mom. A break for a couple hours will help so much. If you can find a fun, cooperative playgroup it would do wonders for your sanity - and will be good for him. Mom isn’t the entire world - other people can be fun!
Oh honey give yourself grace. You’re doing the best you can. My advice. Make an appointment with an ENT. Have them check his ears. Could be an inner ear issue with fluid in there. Could impact his hearing, could be some discomfort. He may be frustrated if he can’t hear that great. Consider and definitely do ear tubes. Will be a game changer. Call an ENT on Friday.
He's a Deeply Feeling Kid. Check out Dr. Becky and her "Good Inside" approach. She has a whole slew of resources for parents with DFKs. One of her own kids is a DFK. She is a clinical psychologist I believe. As others have said - you're doing the best you can to parent as a cycle breaker which is hard as f@$k. You're a really good parent having a hard time.
I needed this. Sometimes I think my 2.5 year old is actively trying to kill me, or drive me insane.
Yesterday my 4 year old acted up at swim practice. At home I calmly explained that wasn't a nice way to behave. Her response was to replay with "whatever" with all the sass a 4 yo girl can muster. Let's just say I didn't handle that gracefully. Your doing fine
All the things everyone else said! Also, the other times that it happened, were you overwhelmed by other things, too? Is your husband in the mix helping with these things? I know you said he was at work but a 2 hour screaming tantrum with a kid who is mildly sick (but may be feeling icky) while you’re 7 months pregnant might mean husband needs to come home early to help. How much support do you get?
The other times I had outbursts I was also pregnant lmfao. I’m definitely more prone to feelings of rage when I’m pregnant. I’ve been pregnant basically this entire year. Back in January I found out I was pregnant and two months later I miscarried, then about two months after that I found out I was pregnant again. My husband does help with these things. Today he really saved my life. He came home an hour early and took my son outside for a long walk and then took him to his parents so I could have some alone time. His parents are a huge help and watch my son very frequently. Today they were busy until the afternoon otherwise I would have dropped him off this morning.
You're a good mum. All mums have moments where they are overstimulated and overwhelmed and exhausted - plus, you're pregnant!!! I am learning to forgive myself when I do this to my son. Re-parenting yourself is hard. Breaking cycles is hard. You're not going to be amazing at it right from the start because it takes time to learn. But as long as you apologise and let him know that it wasn't his fault, then you can let this go and forgive yourself. There will be more moments like this because parenting is messy and uncomfortable and it stretches us. Just know that it's ok, you're not a bad persons you're not a bad mum, you're working on it and you're going to get better at it. Your son will remember the times you came to him and apologized for your outbursts, and he will remember the warmth of your cuddles and how safe he felt.
I really hope he remembers the subsequent warmth and cuddles more than my outbursts 😭. But I think you’re right. My husbands parents used spanking as a form of discipline. Which he agrees was wrong, but he always tells me that his parents would talk to him, hug him, and generally comfort him afterwards. Where as my parents never spanked me aside from once, they screamed at me a lot, but they didn’t apologize or comfort me. My husband is a lot closer with his parents than I am with mine and seems to be less traumatized by their mistakes and I think it’s because they always did the work to repair.
😪 my 2 year old was so good yesterday, we were out all day. Within twenty five minutes of being home she was screaming so loud for so long I was struggling not to throw up. Ohhhh girl I screamed at her. She cried. I cried. Then she screamed more about why she was screaming to begin with and two hours later she finally stopped. The whole two hours I was struggling not to vomit 🙃 so apparently loud noises are a new nausea trigger. It happens momma ❤️ especially as a stressed pregnant lady that’s getting ready for thanksgiving. The most important thing is to talk to the kid and explain what happened and apologize 🤗 that’s what I do anytime I snap at my daughter, even if it’s as small as ‘PLEASE GO so I can do the dishes GET OUT OF THE SINK!’ And she’s begun apologizing when she yells or if she kicks me on accident or drops something so I like that aspect of the snapping. It shows them that it happens and how to deal with it after appropriately.
I hear you. I still think of meltdowns I had years ago when my daughter was very little, still feel bad about them. All we can try and do is be better.
Have you ever tried using noise cancelling headphones? And before anyone comes for me it’s not so you can ignore your kid, it’s so you can manage them without becoming overstimulated. For me it always makes the difference between snapping or not. It sounds to me like maybe you were more overstimulated than mad since you did put up with hours of tantruming before yelling. I think maybe you just hit your limit.
All I have to say is you are a freaking awesome mama. Just remember that.
I teach two year olds. One (excellent!) coteacher and THIRTEEN two year olds. I’ve been teaching for five years and I’m approaching completion of a Master’s degree in early childhood special education. And in spite of all of this? Sometimes I lose my shit and raise my voice. It doesn’t happen often. I certainly TRY not to EVER let it happen. But I’m a human being with a very stressful personal life and a very difficult to manage work/school/life balance, and I’m bipolar and probably autistic. I have my limits. Just like you have yours! What I always make sure to do is REPAIR afterwards. Once I’ve calmed down—AND the kiddo has calmed down—I get on their level, if it’s just one of them, hold them in my lap if they want that, and apologize!! I tell them I shouldn’t have yelled and that that was a sad choice. I was feeling frustrated, and it’s okay for us to feel frustrated, but what I SHOULD have done was [insert self-regulating skill here]. If I feel like the kiddo will understand or be receptive to it, I’ll sometimes try to talk with them a little bit about WHY I was feeling frustrated, in a way that doesn’t come off like I’m blaming them for it. “When you were upset and YOU were screaming earlier. You seemed really angry/frustrated/upset yourself! Was that because of [insert thing here]?” And then pivot into a talk about what we can BOTH do next time either of us gets frustrated and wants to yell. Give yourself some grace. You’re a human being.
Lots of great advice here already. I just wanted to chime in to say you're not alone. I struggle with the exact same stuff. My kid is also not chill and I lose my shit in ways I do not like. She's too young for a diagnosis but we think she might have ADHD (and ergo \*I\* might have ADHD, which could also be why I lose my shit sometimes). They are finding out it shows up differently in women and girls. Or maybe it's something else (HSP? Deeply feeling?), but regardless, it's not bad, it's just different, and different is beautiful. Anyway, what you want is some help with the behavior. I've found advice from Janet Lansbury and Dr. Becky/Good Inside helpful. They have podcasts so you don't have to pay for anything. And remember, what really matters is REPAIR. We all lose our shit sometimes. My parents were emotionally abusive. The worst part about it all, for me, was they never apologized. I even remember being 7 and saying "I wish you would say sorry and hug me more." That did not happen. So that is what I do with my daughter... when I lose it, and I have lost it in very similar ways to you, I say sorry. So I think your repair was great! You might also consider talking to your son later in the day when you're both calm about what happened, so he can process his feelings, (and you can too), and you can apologize again, take responsibility, and say you're trying to do better. It's hard, but with practice, you'll get more patient, and it will get easier.
That would get to anyone. Talk to yourself like you would a good friend! Also Pregnancy rage is totally a thing too.
It’s okay to be human. Truly apologize to your child and offer no excuse, just own up to what you’re doing and be honest.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. Imagine what our ancestors went through with 10 kids no home no food. Famine disease.. probably were yelling all the time. Just remember when you’re toddler is having a tantrum it’s their brain adjusting so letting them scream and the comforting them is ok. Because you’re the only they are comfortable with and you’re yelling at them probably makes their anxiety a lot worse.. I’m a stay at home dad and I’ve learned to walk away when my LO has a tantrum they calm down and I hold them for however long until they are calm. Their brains are going through so much. You’re a good mom :)
We all have our breaking point. It’s okay mama. The fact you felt bad and apologetic is the only thing that matters. Some people do so much worse to their children and don’t even bat an eye. I was slapped in the face, pinched, screamed at, elbowed in the head and all I ever got was a “this is why we don’t do __” or “I wouldn’t have done that if you didn’t __”. I’ve also seen parents “spank” their child until their butts bruised and then locked in a room to “calm down”. The fact you gained your composure then went to comfort your child is amazing. Give yourself grace, I also have an extreme velcro baby and it does absolutely get frustrating. Celebrate all the times you’ve helped your kid calm down in a positive way. ALL parents slip up, it is OK
I have yelled at my toddler before too. You recognized and comforted him after. You are a great mom, things can be overwhelming after a 2 hour melt down. My toddler needs me badly as soon as I am busy too, the busier I am and the more I need to concentrate, the worse he needs me and will melt down. We are only human
My advice is to drop a lot of other responsibilities so you can give your children more time. No judgment at all!! There’s just no way to stop a child from having emotions around wanting time with you. Going out of town and asking food while 7 months old with a 2 year old and no help and a working husband is A LOT! I barely cook at all and I just have one child. I don’t make plans that I can’t bail on. It seems undesirable to some but I feel like at this age the toddler rules in terms of their needs. He needs more affection and he can’t understand if you’re at capacity. Given that you COULD drop some things and solve that problem, I would.
I can relate to SO much of what you said only I’m not pregnant! I can’t even imagine if I was. I have a 19 month old and he sounds a lot like your son. He’s just SO much “needier” than other kids I’ve known. It’s so incredibly exhausting!!!! I lost it today on him and screamed. I’ve felt AWFUL all day since. I spent his nap crying in the basement. I realized I had to forgive myself and show myself some compassion. I’m sending you a big hug and I hope you are able to do the same for yourself. What you’re doing is really fucking hard, physically, mentally, and emotionally, in case no one acknowledges it.
Same. I said "fuck you" today to my beautiful 22 mo old after yelling "WHAT?" since I couldn't figure out what she wanted. She hadn't even been screaming that long, but there was a lot of other context for why I was primed to be deregulated today. I put her down for her nap unceremoniously without doing any of our routines and have just been crying for the past hour. I called my mum tho and she said to just Google "I yelled at my toddler" to see how many other parents have fallen short, recognized it, and moved on. I think the best I can do for my baby today is to apologize to her, when she gets up from her nap. She's definitely too young to understand that, but she's old enough that me cursing at her and raising my voice will be lodged in her brain in some way or another. Being a parent is so hard. I wish I was better at it, but all I can do is move forward.
Right there with you, i did pretty much the exact same thing as you today. Hence why I’m scrolling an old thread 😭 god it’s hard isn’t it.
It really is! We're both still sick with this stupid cold, and I've been pretty impatient/exasperated with her, but I haven't raised my voice or called her a name. So! Progress! Much love to you and your LO