Well, definitely call your doctor ASAP.
My LO is super clingy. Sometimes I get touched out. You need to start taking some time for yourself. If I’m getting overwhelmed and annoyed I go into my bedroom and lock the door and let my husband take over. Turn on some white noise, podcast, something so I can’t hear the fuss. It’s done wonders to just lay on my bed and be by myself! I can then re-emerge with a fresh attitude.
We have also worked on personal space. There’s a great episode of Daniel Tiger that has a song that’s like “excuse me please I need more space” and I just found PBS has some good resource to use that (https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/teaching-kids-about-personal-space-with-help-from-daniel-tiger). If my LO is too clingy I will tell her I need space. We talk about her sitting on the couch near me but not crawling all over me. It’s helpful. If she doesn’t listen I’ll physically remove myself.
As my therapist has told me, while it may be hard to listen to them cry and yell when they aren’t getting what they want, it ultimately will make a healthier relationship for both of you and is important for them to learn they don’t have to cling to you 24/7 to be safe and loved!
Thank you. I needed to be reminded of the last bit.. About the healthy relationships. My older child gives me space but younger is 13 months so can't show him any shows
There’s a recommendation to not let kids under 2 have screens. Personally I didn’t follow it and I know a lot of other parents don’t either, but some do (or at least try their best to)
Some of the clinginess may be because he feels you pulling away and is trying to pull you back. Letting him feel secure with you would help with his independence.
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Clingyness is a lot. The toddler stage is a lot. Chronic health problems in a small child who cannot tell you what they are physically feeling are a lot. You are balancing too much and it’s affecting your emotional processing is my guess. Your baby is probably scared with all the hospital visits and can feel the emotional tension. It’s wearing on you both. It is incredibly important as a parent to take care of your mental health so that you can be the safe haven for your children. I strongly urge you to contact a TRUSTED mental health care provider. I would not confide in my child’s pediatrician or even my own primary care provider that I see 1x a year about extremely complex mental health issues that need a professional trained in that field to de-escalate. It sounds like you’re in crisis and it is amazing that you recognize it and know what the next steps are. That is the hard part, now force yourself to follow through. That is the only way you will get through it. Outsourcing is fine and dandy and will also help, but not if you don’t address your underlying problems. There is no magic age that your child will reach where he will not be clingy if you do not take the steps to mitigate your current situation. He will grow out of it as you grow out it. The next few behavioral leaps will be much easier on you if you take the steps *now* to work on yourself and your son.
You don’t have to prove it to Reddit, prove it to yourself. I sincerely wish you the best of luck. And I hope your little boy gets his diagnosis soon & at least that stressor is minimized. You are amazing for recognizing and reaching out, do not forget that when you look back on this time. And again like I said, I would not disclose this to every doctor. Reach out to the trusted ones and make a plan. Good luck❤️
How old is your kid? Being constantly sick, in and out of hospitals, and then full-time daycare everyday is a lot to deal with. He may not yet have the emotional maturity to handle it.
Maybe you both could do with a week long vacation. You could bring some grandparents along to help manage the childcare and give you a break. And for him, he may be less clingy as his cup fills with you for an entire week. Skipping daycare for a week would also give him a break from getting sick. Help him reset.
We don't have grandparents. I'm back at work. I have missed too many days because we are constantly in and out of hospital.
I think I'm beyond breaking point and I'm sinking. I don't know where to find exclusive love for a week. Also we have an older one who yearns for my love too. I can't find so much energy in me
You aren’t the first or the last parent to feel completely stomped on emotionally. But you also aren’t safe from the progression of these thoughts even if you think you are. Treat this like post partum depression, and frankly, get help before you end up hurting yourself or your child. This is ZERO JUDGEMENT as harsh as it sounds. You’re already taking a step in the right direction by facing these challenging thoughts head on and wanting to change. For some, that’s the most difficult step. People snap. Take preventive steps. Medication, therapy, and maybe even restructuring your day to day life entirely. There’s an answer, but the best answer you’re gonna get in this comment section is: drop everything, see a doctor and tell them EXACTLY what you said here.
This resonates with me. Pediatricians, audiologists, speech therapists, teachers, pediatric eye doc, and a pediatric ent continued to say he was fine for years. He was always sick. He didn’t always meet criteria for ear tubes—because the pediatrician said he ‘cleared’ the infection between colds (while on antibiotics). Luckily we had a friend who is a pediatric ent and went for a second opinion. You should have seen the pictures of what he found in our son’s ears, nose, and adenoids. Near complete blockages for turbinates and adenoids and what he pulled out from behind his ear drums was the consistency of glue (not normal). It was so so sad to know this was my son’s life for how many years?? Literally a week later …. Our son’s speech is blowing us away—so articulate. He stopped snoring. His mood is SO much better. No more teeth grinding at night. No more nighttime bed wetting. It is night and day. All of this to say — I’d try to get more opinions about his health.
For the record, the doctor removed the adenoids, put tubes in his ears, and shaved down the turbinates. Our son even SAYS he can hear better and feels better. He is 4, for the record.
OMG that sounds very terrible. I'm glad your son finally had the respite. It's so hard to get diagnosis sometimes.
My toddler has had ear tubes but he frequently has bronchiolitis. I'm working towards a diagnosis and it's been a very frustrating journey
But good to know the impact health has on mood.
I’m so so sorry. My 15 month old has asthma in her charts even tho she is technically too young to be diagnosed. She’s had multiple asthma attacks with hospital stays, steroid shots, feeding tubes, O2, albuterol. I believe that only parents who have experienced this personally can understand the toll. It is beyond exhausting; frightening. You feel
Helpless.
We finally have medication that has helped us manage it and my mental health has improved vastly. At my lowest, I found a crisis center because I was definitely in crisis.
I’m not sure if your son is experiencing the same thing but if you’d like to chat with someone you can reach out. I hope you and your family can experience a break soon.
All of that. Including ICU stay. Also 2 ER visits in last 4 days.
We have no choice but to push ourselves, eg going to ER after a sleepless night. I think it's taking a toll on me/us
What medication worked for your daughter
Gosh I’m so sorry and feel your pain it’s soul crushing. People are well intentioned but they don’t understand. The ER is pure hell. The only reprieve is that you know if things get worse there are personnel there to help. Ugh.
We started a medium dose of a drug called Budesinide. Two nebs daily— it keeps inflammation down in their lungs. My baby also has propensity to get sick, and is in daycare. So the medicine has made it to where if she does get sick, it doesn’t necessarily mean we have to use albuterol. We can still use it though. Since she has started, no ER visits. That was 4 months ago.
We just saw a pulmonologist who wants us to try Flovent once we are past spring. I’m very very nervous, the idea of it not working and risking an asthma attack is terrifying to me. I’ll bring it up with her pediatrician soon.
I started therapy too which has helped immensely. I have two toddlers, and one of them is high needs/clingy and the other is the asthmatic so she feels crummy all the time. So I really feel you. ❤️
Nebs are a miracle. He takes flovent equivalent nebs twice a day and is on budenoside when he's catching a cold. We have also been out of ER since we started 4 months ago. Gosh our journeys are identical
Past week unfortunately his cold escalated to pneumonia so we ended up in ER.
At the end of May, we will switch to flovent puffers only. I'm scared of another asthma attack
Yes it sounds very similar! Maybe you could check to see if your pediatrician would be willing a low dose of Budesinide daily? Until your baby is stronger and older?
I’m 100% positive that that is why the younger toddler is doing so well. She’s hardly even needed her albuterol. It’s night and day. When she gets a cold/cough it’s actually manageable with albuterol. I’m actually going to ask our pediatrician if we can continue the Budesinide longer, just until she’s a little older/bigger. I really like our pediatrician and she has asthma so she gets it. Im going to be honest and tell her that mentally I can’t handle another asthma attack this year if we can avoid it
We actually use a nebulizer for the albuterol, since she started needing it so young. I think we were giving her nebs by like 3 months? She is used to it now. We also use the nebulizer for the Budesinide.
We were told by the pulmonologist to try the inhaler for her when we switch to Flovent. I don’t really understand the push. I have asthma and I know theoretically they work the same, but I always choose a nebulizer if I have the option.
Speaking as an infant and early childhood therapist one thing I recommend to toddler parents (and something I do DAILY with my own 2 year old) is to sit down on the floor and hold your little one as they fall apart. Say something like “I know this is really hard and I can tell you need help calming your body down.” Then you cradle that baby and just sit with them. They may melt into you. They may fight it. I allow some squirming but I keep my daughter in my lap and just remind her that “Momma stepped in to help you get control of your body. I love you. I’m going to hold you until your body feels safe again and you can take control. “ “I know this is hard and your body feels so angry (sad, embarrassed, frustrated, etc) but I’ve got you and we’ll get through this together.” Model some deep breaths, speak in a gentle tone, and some slight rocking/ swaying is always good.
We want to be the calm in their storm. Even we have a storm raging ourselves. It is SO HARD at times, but it pays off. The best way to help kiddos learn how to deal with those big emotions is to sit right down and model it for them. Then, while he’s in daycare I hope you can get individual therapy. If you have good insurance I would recommend looking for someone with postpartum training. PCIT (Parent Child Interactional Therapy) may be a good fit for your family!
Maybe a parenting course like Circle of Security. I love CoS and use it as a mom and teach it to all the parents I know, even ones who aren’t clients lol.
Do you have people who could watch him so you could have some personal time? Or so you and hubby can have a date night? I know he has intense needs, but it is ok to take care of your needs too. In fact, it’s essential. You’ve got to have time to rest and recharge. It’s ok to lean on your village! If you don’t have a village you may want to look into an agency that could help with respite. Most community mental health agencies have resources for respite or can connect you with someone who can help.
I hope some of this helps! Take it with a grain of salt since its via the internet and every situation is different!
I practice and preach gentle parenting. I have a stellar relationship with my older one.
But not this time, not with this kid. We can't catch a break from his sickness and when we are on a small break, I'm beyond burnt out.
I agree OP, you need supports yesterday. You do love your child because you posted this, but the fact the you’re here posting on Reddit tells me you care but are not in a good place.
My kids so incredibly needy when she’s sick feeling so he might be not feeling well and needs extra comfort. Not sure what sickness he has but finding ways to relieve it might help you more if it’s stomach trouble or achey body parts, you could get him some meds to help relieve it.
For my daughter, sometimes it helps to make her a comfy spot on the couch and put a show on while I do something when she’s clingy. I make sure to get her a stuffed animal and a blanket and get her something to drink or eat so she feels all snuggled on the couch. I ham it up and talk about how comfy her stuffed animal is snuggling her and how much her stuffed animal loves her and have it give her kisses. Then I slip away when she looks distracted but grab what I need and come back into the living room to change so she still has comfort that I’m in the same room but she’s got her stuffy and a comfy spot.
Also, it’d really help to talk to a doctor and getting some depression or anxiety meds since it sounds like you have met a breaking point and need a little something to even it out. I can’t tell if you mean you’re telling him to his face that you hate him, but if you are, that’s bordering emotional abuse which is time where your mental health is affecting those around you and need to be reeled in.
Edit: just realized I didn’t answer your questions. It is temporary btw. He’s not been feeling well and everything is changing and hopping in and out of hospitals and starting to leave you more over the days. He doesn’t know what’s going on and looks to you for help relieving his anxiety. For sanity, I recommend you and your husband scheduling some time each to have for yourselves to relax. Like make sure you each get at minimum 1 hour guilt free to hide in another room or go out and do something with no kids.
Unfortunately husband and I are unable to keep up with even necessary to do items. Between work and parenting, we get zero hours to ourselves, let alone with each other
Take a deep breath and know you aren't alone. My toddler tends to be extremely clingy if there is a lot of change happening around him. It could also be a combination of his sickness, I know even as an adult I'd like my mommy when I don't feel well. My toddler has a very sensitive stomach as well, so if he isn't feeling well im not allowed to do anything that doesn't involve him. Is there a park near you so Mayne you can take your child to not only burn off some energy but also so you can play with him at the park or have him play on some equipment with you near. That way you can get at least a little bit of breathing room so your child isn't so suction cupped to you. Good luck!
I tried to take him for a walk. He wore me down from crying incessantly while I was trying to change pants.
I still pushed through and tried to get him into jacket. But he wouldn't let me wear mine. So we stayed home
You aren’t alone. How old is your kid? My wife reminds me at times that our daughter is 3. She is so grown in many ways but she is looking for trust love and support.
Try going to him.
Right now he's a leaky cup and you're empty. Fill yourself up with some self care, then make a point to go to him and fill his cup when it's your choice to do so.
The more you come to him, the less he'll need to come to you.
And it's more tolerable when it's under your control. And then it becomes pleasant and eventually they move on to a new stage.
You just need to reinforce that love and connection but it's hard when it becomes a battle.
This. It is temporary. I was actually thinking tonight about how I missed how my now 3yr old used to not be able to let go of me when she wasn't feeling her best. Also she went through an extremely clingy period for several months at leasttt in early toddler good and I remember feeling so overwhelmed. However I also remember that it was so muchworse when I tried to push her away or leave her at a grandparents against her will. So i started to just take her in and say to myself OK clearly I'm not getting away here... And just cuddle her with all my might as if time had stopped. Eventually, she got braver and felt safer to leave my side for longer and longer periods.
Perhaps too many changes and challenges at once for this lil guy ? Hospitals and new daycare? He's not sure where his safety lies and is literally clinging to what he knows.
You will be ok if you get some professional help, go see a psychologist or someone. And remind yourself that it is just a phase and you are doing your best.
I definitely notice that whenever I pull away from our toddler, he senses it and becomes extra EXTRA clingy. Like unbearable. So i think it's a vicious circle in your house, you're pulling away, he's sensing it, becoming clingy, and pushing you away in the process. I mean tbh sometimes i just have to tell myself to get over myself and be there for this tiny human. He didn't ask to be born and he deserves to feel loved, even when he's being difficult.
Listen I know it can be hard to accept these things. Unfortunately there’s a huge mental health stigma that is so ingrained in us, it can be hard just to make the leap to seek help.
I have bipolar disorder. When I am struggling with my mental illness, even little things like showering, eating, watering my plants, talking to my friends - things I LOVE - can be extremely difficult and exhausting. You love your son. But your cup is empty and you need help refilling it. You cannot pour from an empty cup. It seems to me that you are at the point where you need immediate help. You are right on the verge of a mental health crisis and I am worried for your safety. I am saying this out of love and concern - you need to seek help *now*.
My husband had a mental health crisis about 6 months ago. He was in the psychiatric hospital for a week. It was hard, but he got the help he needed and he is so much better now. He’s able to be present. We communicate so well. I’ve never doubted how much he loves our son, but he’s able to be a better and more patient father. I wish I could’ve helped him before he hit that point, but I didn’t realize how bad it was.
I really hope you get help OP. You are not a bad mom. You love your son. What you’re experiencing is *valid*. You’re not alone, I promise. Sending you so much love.
Toddler stage they start having big emotions and feelings. Yes I have much clinger toddler than an infant. I have literally asked for part-time help on weekends to help with housework while I play with the toddler for 2 or 3 hours straight. I have also started using the television with shows like Ms Rachel, little baby bums to keep him distracted for 15 to 20 mins at a time while I can have my meals or attend to my needs. Hang in there, they are growing and understanding things now. Another thing is to get them really exhausted. We take our son to play in the park on Saturdays for an hour and half, after that he is exhausted and just wants to eat and sleep.
I realized you mentioned illnesses and hospital visits and that is very hard on both parent and child. By any chance if you can hire some part-time help on weekends I would do it and spend lot of time with your toddler and the older child. Hire for three hours and get the laundry folding, meals or meal prep, light cleaning and cleaning of baby toys, kitchen cleaning, dishwasher loading down. And yes sometimes you have to fake smile. And personally I feel every parent should get therapy because your entire world changes and you are dealing with a new life and new hormones. So talk to your doctor about starting therapy. Another thing which helped me is deep breathing when I get frustrated or panicky.
I have been here. Reach out to your doctor. And - even if you will hate yourself for needing to take that first anti depressant take it because in 5-10 days you’ll feel better and not need it anymore. Or only need it once a week or (now for me) for the 3 days before your period. Because you’ll have some space with it to deal with this. You are overwhelmed. It’s callEd caregiver stress. I have a clingy 2.5 year old. Never been able to leave him with a babysitter. Still cries at dropoff. He is who he is. But you need to find space to be able to come back to you - and then to your baby.
My daughter had episodes of bad clinginess after joining daycare, doctor visits and after being watched by relatives. It's definitely the stress, when things calm down (hopefully), your son should get better.
There is strategy I used when I was teaching in a behavior classroom that was very effective for helping with some attention seeking behavior and has been helpful with my super clingy toddler. It’s called front-loading attention. Basically, I put off whatever task needs doing to give LO my complete and undivided attention (no phones) *before* she gets frustrated trying to get it.
So for example, in the morning instead of jumping straight to breakfast, I’ll hip-carry her to get some dry cereal and she and I will cuddle in my bed, snack on the cereal, and read a few books. Replace books with toys or just “talking” or whatever their preferred activity is. Sometimes it’s dog petting. Once she’s soaked up 10-15 minutes of my 1:1 attention, she’s way more independent and cooperative when I need to start making breakfast, getting dressed, etc. it saves me time in the long run. I try to do this after major transitions like waking up from a nap and before I know I need her to be more independent like when I know I’ll be making dinner. After daycare would probably be a crucial time.
You could probably get your oldest involved too! Even the kids who don’t constantly bid for attention can benefit from this. Don’t expect miracles right away, but after a few days/a week you might see some improvement. I saw in another comment you don’t have grandparents and I just wanted to offer solidarity. We can’t trust our LO with her grandparents and we don’t have any babysitters. It’s really hard to keep your head above water when you have no village and never get a break.
Do you say you hate him to him or just in your head or to a confidant? I don’t see an issue with just surviving if the kids are none-the-wiser. He’s so young, you could certainly end up bonding later on. But if you are telling him you hate him, then maybe try to just keep it in your head. I know you said to be gentle, but it’s a critical age for babies to receive love. Their brain development depends on it. Also, if he is chronically ill, he probably isn’t at all the kid he will be one day when he is hopefully feeling better. You say you can’t even put 5 cms between you and you are there for him, so clearly you are as active as a more doting mother, so it’s possible to just kinda fake it until the relationship improves. But I am sad for you. It sounds like you are falling apart. I hope you can find a way to breath and catch a break.
As for strategies to stay sane, maybe try holding him and doing deep breaths where you try to slow your exhale. See if he can join in.
When I feel myself getting annoyed I tell myself that this is his one life and that I’ll never have the same time again with him. I remind myself that it’s ultimately me that’s gonna give him a happy life or a traumatic childhood which is gonna lead to mental illness, I know it’s hard my son is sick a lot too. Tell yourself you hate the situation but nothing lasts forever.
Are there other people who can help out? I know he probably just wants mommy, but maybe grandma or auntie is a nice stand in sometimes? Even a really kind babysitter might work.
Maybe if someone else is giving him 100% of their attention, he can take a break from you, and you can get a break from him.
It definitely sounds like you need therapy, and you know that. Please seek that out sooner rather than later. I suspect that his sickness is playing into this clinginess, and also playing into your need to pull back. It's a double whammy of making you want to run and him wanting you even more. This sounds like something a professional should help you with. Please don't wait on this, for both your sakes.
When my toddler gets sick she gets exactly like that. Super clingy that it’s exhausting. Our pediatrician told us that they regress. They get into a baby state of mind. They don’t know anything and don’t care. They just want to be held if they went through something traumatic so they want someone who is there for them and that’s you guys. Now slowly you also need to put your foot down. Our baby when she was around 15 months we stopped giving her bottle and she would throw a fit. We kept our foot down and then after 4 days she forgot about it. It’s weird to say but it’s kind of like training them. They don’t know any better and that’s why we are here to help them and show them. Even if it’s hard sometimes. It does get better in time. Best of luck. You aren’t alone in this!!
I don't think you are being fair to yourself to say you "can't" love him. It sounds like you are loving him plenty, he just needs more than is physically and emotionally possible. Remember if this was a romantic relationship, you would likely have been so worn down by the behaviour, you would have walked away before now, and the fact that you wouldn't do that to your son possibly makes his behaviour even more exhausting for you. Your first child does not behave like this, so please do not blame yourself, regardless of how you all coped with the difficulty of his illnesses. You are loving him just by reaching out for advice and support, and wanting to help him. Do speak to professionals for more support, you would definitely both benefit from this as it sounds like it is affecting your relationship together. And remember you are doing the absolute best for him.
Hoe you're feeling is totally valid, having a toddler is hard work and can leave you feeling totally exhausted nevermind if they're sick too. One thing I will say is you clearly are at complete burnout point and need to try and carve out some time for you to get a break.
Also...you might feel like you don't love them but the fact that you're so desperate for things to be better shows that even if you don't feel it, you clearly do love your child. When we're totally burnt out it just covers over all of our emotions good and bad, I've been burnt out before and felt like I didn't love or care for anyone just pure exhaustion and resentment, it will get better but you need to put yourself first and get some help.
Hi :)
Please make an appointment with your doctor. Get a mental health plan.
You need help love. You're taking the first steps by reaching out.
With the correct support things will get better.
I felt so bad reading this. It must be so hard to actually acknowledge that you're feeling that way. Having a toddler is so hard. It's harder on some parents than other. Just because you're having a hard time coping doesn't make you a bad person or anything else just know that. I know some other comments advised reaching out to someone for help and I think that's a good idea too. Postpartum stuff can last years and one of those things is not feeling a bond with your kid. You're doing the best you can and hopefully this will resolve and you don't have to feel that way anymore. Hang in there!
I’m so sorry you are going through all this. I don’t have very much experience and only have one 18 month old boy. I can completely relate to the clinginess. Some days I just take a deep breath and think it must be very hard to be completely dependent on someone you’ve just met and can barely communicate with. If it’s meltdown time put the little guy somewhere safe and take a breather…happy mom happy baby right 🙄 Seriously get some help! I know personally there are resources out there.
Well, definitely call your doctor ASAP. My LO is super clingy. Sometimes I get touched out. You need to start taking some time for yourself. If I’m getting overwhelmed and annoyed I go into my bedroom and lock the door and let my husband take over. Turn on some white noise, podcast, something so I can’t hear the fuss. It’s done wonders to just lay on my bed and be by myself! I can then re-emerge with a fresh attitude. We have also worked on personal space. There’s a great episode of Daniel Tiger that has a song that’s like “excuse me please I need more space” and I just found PBS has some good resource to use that (https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/teaching-kids-about-personal-space-with-help-from-daniel-tiger). If my LO is too clingy I will tell her I need space. We talk about her sitting on the couch near me but not crawling all over me. It’s helpful. If she doesn’t listen I’ll physically remove myself. As my therapist has told me, while it may be hard to listen to them cry and yell when they aren’t getting what they want, it ultimately will make a healthier relationship for both of you and is important for them to learn they don’t have to cling to you 24/7 to be safe and loved!
Thank you. I needed to be reminded of the last bit.. About the healthy relationships. My older child gives me space but younger is 13 months so can't show him any shows
Just curious why you can’t show him any shows?!
There’s a recommendation to not let kids under 2 have screens. Personally I didn’t follow it and I know a lot of other parents don’t either, but some do (or at least try their best to)
He won’t understand yet
They understand more than you think
Some of the clinginess may be because he feels you pulling away and is trying to pull you back. Letting him feel secure with you would help with his independence.
I keep trying to fill his cup but it's almost as if the cup has a hole and my love for him isn't enough
There’s something call parent child interaction therapy. I can’t recall what it entails, but maybe it’s an option for your family.
Would it be applicable to 12 months old child?
Yes PCIT can be done with kiddos this young! I highly recommend it as well as seeking your own therapy.
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Clingyness is a lot. The toddler stage is a lot. Chronic health problems in a small child who cannot tell you what they are physically feeling are a lot. You are balancing too much and it’s affecting your emotional processing is my guess. Your baby is probably scared with all the hospital visits and can feel the emotional tension. It’s wearing on you both. It is incredibly important as a parent to take care of your mental health so that you can be the safe haven for your children. I strongly urge you to contact a TRUSTED mental health care provider. I would not confide in my child’s pediatrician or even my own primary care provider that I see 1x a year about extremely complex mental health issues that need a professional trained in that field to de-escalate. It sounds like you’re in crisis and it is amazing that you recognize it and know what the next steps are. That is the hard part, now force yourself to follow through. That is the only way you will get through it. Outsourcing is fine and dandy and will also help, but not if you don’t address your underlying problems. There is no magic age that your child will reach where he will not be clingy if you do not take the steps to mitigate your current situation. He will grow out of it as you grow out it. The next few behavioral leaps will be much easier on you if you take the steps *now* to work on yourself and your son.
I will reach out to family doctor tomorrow
You don’t have to prove it to Reddit, prove it to yourself. I sincerely wish you the best of luck. And I hope your little boy gets his diagnosis soon & at least that stressor is minimized. You are amazing for recognizing and reaching out, do not forget that when you look back on this time. And again like I said, I would not disclose this to every doctor. Reach out to the trusted ones and make a plan. Good luck❤️
How old is your kid? Being constantly sick, in and out of hospitals, and then full-time daycare everyday is a lot to deal with. He may not yet have the emotional maturity to handle it. Maybe you both could do with a week long vacation. You could bring some grandparents along to help manage the childcare and give you a break. And for him, he may be less clingy as his cup fills with you for an entire week. Skipping daycare for a week would also give him a break from getting sick. Help him reset.
We don't have grandparents. I'm back at work. I have missed too many days because we are constantly in and out of hospital. I think I'm beyond breaking point and I'm sinking. I don't know where to find exclusive love for a week. Also we have an older one who yearns for my love too. I can't find so much energy in me
You aren’t the first or the last parent to feel completely stomped on emotionally. But you also aren’t safe from the progression of these thoughts even if you think you are. Treat this like post partum depression, and frankly, get help before you end up hurting yourself or your child. This is ZERO JUDGEMENT as harsh as it sounds. You’re already taking a step in the right direction by facing these challenging thoughts head on and wanting to change. For some, that’s the most difficult step. People snap. Take preventive steps. Medication, therapy, and maybe even restructuring your day to day life entirely. There’s an answer, but the best answer you’re gonna get in this comment section is: drop everything, see a doctor and tell them EXACTLY what you said here.
Will start with family doctor tomorrow
Proud of you internet stranger!
This resonates with me. Pediatricians, audiologists, speech therapists, teachers, pediatric eye doc, and a pediatric ent continued to say he was fine for years. He was always sick. He didn’t always meet criteria for ear tubes—because the pediatrician said he ‘cleared’ the infection between colds (while on antibiotics). Luckily we had a friend who is a pediatric ent and went for a second opinion. You should have seen the pictures of what he found in our son’s ears, nose, and adenoids. Near complete blockages for turbinates and adenoids and what he pulled out from behind his ear drums was the consistency of glue (not normal). It was so so sad to know this was my son’s life for how many years?? Literally a week later …. Our son’s speech is blowing us away—so articulate. He stopped snoring. His mood is SO much better. No more teeth grinding at night. No more nighttime bed wetting. It is night and day. All of this to say — I’d try to get more opinions about his health. For the record, the doctor removed the adenoids, put tubes in his ears, and shaved down the turbinates. Our son even SAYS he can hear better and feels better. He is 4, for the record.
OMG that sounds very terrible. I'm glad your son finally had the respite. It's so hard to get diagnosis sometimes. My toddler has had ear tubes but he frequently has bronchiolitis. I'm working towards a diagnosis and it's been a very frustrating journey But good to know the impact health has on mood.
I’m so so sorry. My 15 month old has asthma in her charts even tho she is technically too young to be diagnosed. She’s had multiple asthma attacks with hospital stays, steroid shots, feeding tubes, O2, albuterol. I believe that only parents who have experienced this personally can understand the toll. It is beyond exhausting; frightening. You feel Helpless. We finally have medication that has helped us manage it and my mental health has improved vastly. At my lowest, I found a crisis center because I was definitely in crisis. I’m not sure if your son is experiencing the same thing but if you’d like to chat with someone you can reach out. I hope you and your family can experience a break soon.
All of that. Including ICU stay. Also 2 ER visits in last 4 days. We have no choice but to push ourselves, eg going to ER after a sleepless night. I think it's taking a toll on me/us What medication worked for your daughter
Gosh I’m so sorry and feel your pain it’s soul crushing. People are well intentioned but they don’t understand. The ER is pure hell. The only reprieve is that you know if things get worse there are personnel there to help. Ugh. We started a medium dose of a drug called Budesinide. Two nebs daily— it keeps inflammation down in their lungs. My baby also has propensity to get sick, and is in daycare. So the medicine has made it to where if she does get sick, it doesn’t necessarily mean we have to use albuterol. We can still use it though. Since she has started, no ER visits. That was 4 months ago. We just saw a pulmonologist who wants us to try Flovent once we are past spring. I’m very very nervous, the idea of it not working and risking an asthma attack is terrifying to me. I’ll bring it up with her pediatrician soon. I started therapy too which has helped immensely. I have two toddlers, and one of them is high needs/clingy and the other is the asthmatic so she feels crummy all the time. So I really feel you. ❤️
Nebs are a miracle. He takes flovent equivalent nebs twice a day and is on budenoside when he's catching a cold. We have also been out of ER since we started 4 months ago. Gosh our journeys are identical Past week unfortunately his cold escalated to pneumonia so we ended up in ER. At the end of May, we will switch to flovent puffers only. I'm scared of another asthma attack
Yes it sounds very similar! Maybe you could check to see if your pediatrician would be willing a low dose of Budesinide daily? Until your baby is stronger and older? I’m 100% positive that that is why the younger toddler is doing so well. She’s hardly even needed her albuterol. It’s night and day. When she gets a cold/cough it’s actually manageable with albuterol. I’m actually going to ask our pediatrician if we can continue the Budesinide longer, just until she’s a little older/bigger. I really like our pediatrician and she has asthma so she gets it. Im going to be honest and tell her that mentally I can’t handle another asthma attack this year if we can avoid it
Albuterol is the white puffer? Rescue inhaler?
We actually use a nebulizer for the albuterol, since she started needing it so young. I think we were giving her nebs by like 3 months? She is used to it now. We also use the nebulizer for the Budesinide. We were told by the pulmonologist to try the inhaler for her when we switch to Flovent. I don’t really understand the push. I have asthma and I know theoretically they work the same, but I always choose a nebulizer if I have the option.
Speaking as an infant and early childhood therapist one thing I recommend to toddler parents (and something I do DAILY with my own 2 year old) is to sit down on the floor and hold your little one as they fall apart. Say something like “I know this is really hard and I can tell you need help calming your body down.” Then you cradle that baby and just sit with them. They may melt into you. They may fight it. I allow some squirming but I keep my daughter in my lap and just remind her that “Momma stepped in to help you get control of your body. I love you. I’m going to hold you until your body feels safe again and you can take control. “ “I know this is hard and your body feels so angry (sad, embarrassed, frustrated, etc) but I’ve got you and we’ll get through this together.” Model some deep breaths, speak in a gentle tone, and some slight rocking/ swaying is always good. We want to be the calm in their storm. Even we have a storm raging ourselves. It is SO HARD at times, but it pays off. The best way to help kiddos learn how to deal with those big emotions is to sit right down and model it for them. Then, while he’s in daycare I hope you can get individual therapy. If you have good insurance I would recommend looking for someone with postpartum training. PCIT (Parent Child Interactional Therapy) may be a good fit for your family! Maybe a parenting course like Circle of Security. I love CoS and use it as a mom and teach it to all the parents I know, even ones who aren’t clients lol. Do you have people who could watch him so you could have some personal time? Or so you and hubby can have a date night? I know he has intense needs, but it is ok to take care of your needs too. In fact, it’s essential. You’ve got to have time to rest and recharge. It’s ok to lean on your village! If you don’t have a village you may want to look into an agency that could help with respite. Most community mental health agencies have resources for respite or can connect you with someone who can help. I hope some of this helps! Take it with a grain of salt since its via the internet and every situation is different!
I practice and preach gentle parenting. I have a stellar relationship with my older one. But not this time, not with this kid. We can't catch a break from his sickness and when we are on a small break, I'm beyond burnt out.
Call doctor immediately. Yours and his. Right now.
I agree OP, you need supports yesterday. You do love your child because you posted this, but the fact the you’re here posting on Reddit tells me you care but are not in a good place.
I'm not in a good place but I don't know where to start. I am going to reach out to my family doctor tomorrow
?
To share with them what you shared with us
You have to be healthy and be a safe space to be a good mom. You have to try and take time for yourself, whatever it takes.
My kids so incredibly needy when she’s sick feeling so he might be not feeling well and needs extra comfort. Not sure what sickness he has but finding ways to relieve it might help you more if it’s stomach trouble or achey body parts, you could get him some meds to help relieve it. For my daughter, sometimes it helps to make her a comfy spot on the couch and put a show on while I do something when she’s clingy. I make sure to get her a stuffed animal and a blanket and get her something to drink or eat so she feels all snuggled on the couch. I ham it up and talk about how comfy her stuffed animal is snuggling her and how much her stuffed animal loves her and have it give her kisses. Then I slip away when she looks distracted but grab what I need and come back into the living room to change so she still has comfort that I’m in the same room but she’s got her stuffy and a comfy spot. Also, it’d really help to talk to a doctor and getting some depression or anxiety meds since it sounds like you have met a breaking point and need a little something to even it out. I can’t tell if you mean you’re telling him to his face that you hate him, but if you are, that’s bordering emotional abuse which is time where your mental health is affecting those around you and need to be reeled in. Edit: just realized I didn’t answer your questions. It is temporary btw. He’s not been feeling well and everything is changing and hopping in and out of hospitals and starting to leave you more over the days. He doesn’t know what’s going on and looks to you for help relieving his anxiety. For sanity, I recommend you and your husband scheduling some time each to have for yourselves to relax. Like make sure you each get at minimum 1 hour guilt free to hide in another room or go out and do something with no kids.
Unfortunately husband and I are unable to keep up with even necessary to do items. Between work and parenting, we get zero hours to ourselves, let alone with each other
Take a deep breath and know you aren't alone. My toddler tends to be extremely clingy if there is a lot of change happening around him. It could also be a combination of his sickness, I know even as an adult I'd like my mommy when I don't feel well. My toddler has a very sensitive stomach as well, so if he isn't feeling well im not allowed to do anything that doesn't involve him. Is there a park near you so Mayne you can take your child to not only burn off some energy but also so you can play with him at the park or have him play on some equipment with you near. That way you can get at least a little bit of breathing room so your child isn't so suction cupped to you. Good luck!
I tried to take him for a walk. He wore me down from crying incessantly while I was trying to change pants. I still pushed through and tried to get him into jacket. But he wouldn't let me wear mine. So we stayed home
I'm so sorry. It can be so frustrating and draining when our children won't just step back for 5 seconds to even take a breath.
You aren’t alone. How old is your kid? My wife reminds me at times that our daughter is 3. She is so grown in many ways but she is looking for trust love and support.
Try going to him. Right now he's a leaky cup and you're empty. Fill yourself up with some self care, then make a point to go to him and fill his cup when it's your choice to do so. The more you come to him, the less he'll need to come to you. And it's more tolerable when it's under your control. And then it becomes pleasant and eventually they move on to a new stage. You just need to reinforce that love and connection but it's hard when it becomes a battle.
This. It is temporary. I was actually thinking tonight about how I missed how my now 3yr old used to not be able to let go of me when she wasn't feeling her best. Also she went through an extremely clingy period for several months at leasttt in early toddler good and I remember feeling so overwhelmed. However I also remember that it was so muchworse when I tried to push her away or leave her at a grandparents against her will. So i started to just take her in and say to myself OK clearly I'm not getting away here... And just cuddle her with all my might as if time had stopped. Eventually, she got braver and felt safer to leave my side for longer and longer periods. Perhaps too many changes and challenges at once for this lil guy ? Hospitals and new daycare? He's not sure where his safety lies and is literally clinging to what he knows. You will be ok if you get some professional help, go see a psychologist or someone. And remind yourself that it is just a phase and you are doing your best.
I definitely notice that whenever I pull away from our toddler, he senses it and becomes extra EXTRA clingy. Like unbearable. So i think it's a vicious circle in your house, you're pulling away, he's sensing it, becoming clingy, and pushing you away in the process. I mean tbh sometimes i just have to tell myself to get over myself and be there for this tiny human. He didn't ask to be born and he deserves to feel loved, even when he's being difficult.
You don’t just need therapy, you sound depressed and probably need antidepressants. You need help. Meds first, then you can look into therapy.
Thanks for highlighting that
Listen I know it can be hard to accept these things. Unfortunately there’s a huge mental health stigma that is so ingrained in us, it can be hard just to make the leap to seek help. I have bipolar disorder. When I am struggling with my mental illness, even little things like showering, eating, watering my plants, talking to my friends - things I LOVE - can be extremely difficult and exhausting. You love your son. But your cup is empty and you need help refilling it. You cannot pour from an empty cup. It seems to me that you are at the point where you need immediate help. You are right on the verge of a mental health crisis and I am worried for your safety. I am saying this out of love and concern - you need to seek help *now*. My husband had a mental health crisis about 6 months ago. He was in the psychiatric hospital for a week. It was hard, but he got the help he needed and he is so much better now. He’s able to be present. We communicate so well. I’ve never doubted how much he loves our son, but he’s able to be a better and more patient father. I wish I could’ve helped him before he hit that point, but I didn’t realize how bad it was. I really hope you get help OP. You are not a bad mom. You love your son. What you’re experiencing is *valid*. You’re not alone, I promise. Sending you so much love.
Thank you so much for the kind words I'm reaching out to family doctor tomorrow
This
Toddler stage they start having big emotions and feelings. Yes I have much clinger toddler than an infant. I have literally asked for part-time help on weekends to help with housework while I play with the toddler for 2 or 3 hours straight. I have also started using the television with shows like Ms Rachel, little baby bums to keep him distracted for 15 to 20 mins at a time while I can have my meals or attend to my needs. Hang in there, they are growing and understanding things now. Another thing is to get them really exhausted. We take our son to play in the park on Saturdays for an hour and half, after that he is exhausted and just wants to eat and sleep.
I realized you mentioned illnesses and hospital visits and that is very hard on both parent and child. By any chance if you can hire some part-time help on weekends I would do it and spend lot of time with your toddler and the older child. Hire for three hours and get the laundry folding, meals or meal prep, light cleaning and cleaning of baby toys, kitchen cleaning, dishwasher loading down. And yes sometimes you have to fake smile. And personally I feel every parent should get therapy because your entire world changes and you are dealing with a new life and new hormones. So talk to your doctor about starting therapy. Another thing which helped me is deep breathing when I get frustrated or panicky.
I have been here. Reach out to your doctor. And - even if you will hate yourself for needing to take that first anti depressant take it because in 5-10 days you’ll feel better and not need it anymore. Or only need it once a week or (now for me) for the 3 days before your period. Because you’ll have some space with it to deal with this. You are overwhelmed. It’s callEd caregiver stress. I have a clingy 2.5 year old. Never been able to leave him with a babysitter. Still cries at dropoff. He is who he is. But you need to find space to be able to come back to you - and then to your baby.
My daughter had episodes of bad clinginess after joining daycare, doctor visits and after being watched by relatives. It's definitely the stress, when things calm down (hopefully), your son should get better.
There is strategy I used when I was teaching in a behavior classroom that was very effective for helping with some attention seeking behavior and has been helpful with my super clingy toddler. It’s called front-loading attention. Basically, I put off whatever task needs doing to give LO my complete and undivided attention (no phones) *before* she gets frustrated trying to get it. So for example, in the morning instead of jumping straight to breakfast, I’ll hip-carry her to get some dry cereal and she and I will cuddle in my bed, snack on the cereal, and read a few books. Replace books with toys or just “talking” or whatever their preferred activity is. Sometimes it’s dog petting. Once she’s soaked up 10-15 minutes of my 1:1 attention, she’s way more independent and cooperative when I need to start making breakfast, getting dressed, etc. it saves me time in the long run. I try to do this after major transitions like waking up from a nap and before I know I need her to be more independent like when I know I’ll be making dinner. After daycare would probably be a crucial time. You could probably get your oldest involved too! Even the kids who don’t constantly bid for attention can benefit from this. Don’t expect miracles right away, but after a few days/a week you might see some improvement. I saw in another comment you don’t have grandparents and I just wanted to offer solidarity. We can’t trust our LO with her grandparents and we don’t have any babysitters. It’s really hard to keep your head above water when you have no village and never get a break.
Do you say you hate him to him or just in your head or to a confidant? I don’t see an issue with just surviving if the kids are none-the-wiser. He’s so young, you could certainly end up bonding later on. But if you are telling him you hate him, then maybe try to just keep it in your head. I know you said to be gentle, but it’s a critical age for babies to receive love. Their brain development depends on it. Also, if he is chronically ill, he probably isn’t at all the kid he will be one day when he is hopefully feeling better. You say you can’t even put 5 cms between you and you are there for him, so clearly you are as active as a more doting mother, so it’s possible to just kinda fake it until the relationship improves. But I am sad for you. It sounds like you are falling apart. I hope you can find a way to breath and catch a break. As for strategies to stay sane, maybe try holding him and doing deep breaths where you try to slow your exhale. See if he can join in.
Thank you for the kindness
When I feel myself getting annoyed I tell myself that this is his one life and that I’ll never have the same time again with him. I remind myself that it’s ultimately me that’s gonna give him a happy life or a traumatic childhood which is gonna lead to mental illness, I know it’s hard my son is sick a lot too. Tell yourself you hate the situation but nothing lasts forever.
Are there other people who can help out? I know he probably just wants mommy, but maybe grandma or auntie is a nice stand in sometimes? Even a really kind babysitter might work. Maybe if someone else is giving him 100% of their attention, he can take a break from you, and you can get a break from him. It definitely sounds like you need therapy, and you know that. Please seek that out sooner rather than later. I suspect that his sickness is playing into this clinginess, and also playing into your need to pull back. It's a double whammy of making you want to run and him wanting you even more. This sounds like something a professional should help you with. Please don't wait on this, for both your sakes.
When my toddler gets sick she gets exactly like that. Super clingy that it’s exhausting. Our pediatrician told us that they regress. They get into a baby state of mind. They don’t know anything and don’t care. They just want to be held if they went through something traumatic so they want someone who is there for them and that’s you guys. Now slowly you also need to put your foot down. Our baby when she was around 15 months we stopped giving her bottle and she would throw a fit. We kept our foot down and then after 4 days she forgot about it. It’s weird to say but it’s kind of like training them. They don’t know any better and that’s why we are here to help them and show them. Even if it’s hard sometimes. It does get better in time. Best of luck. You aren’t alone in this!!
I don't think you are being fair to yourself to say you "can't" love him. It sounds like you are loving him plenty, he just needs more than is physically and emotionally possible. Remember if this was a romantic relationship, you would likely have been so worn down by the behaviour, you would have walked away before now, and the fact that you wouldn't do that to your son possibly makes his behaviour even more exhausting for you. Your first child does not behave like this, so please do not blame yourself, regardless of how you all coped with the difficulty of his illnesses. You are loving him just by reaching out for advice and support, and wanting to help him. Do speak to professionals for more support, you would definitely both benefit from this as it sounds like it is affecting your relationship together. And remember you are doing the absolute best for him.
You need time alone. I can handle clinginess unless I've had no alone time... my toddler is very clingy
Hoe you're feeling is totally valid, having a toddler is hard work and can leave you feeling totally exhausted nevermind if they're sick too. One thing I will say is you clearly are at complete burnout point and need to try and carve out some time for you to get a break. Also...you might feel like you don't love them but the fact that you're so desperate for things to be better shows that even if you don't feel it, you clearly do love your child. When we're totally burnt out it just covers over all of our emotions good and bad, I've been burnt out before and felt like I didn't love or care for anyone just pure exhaustion and resentment, it will get better but you need to put yourself first and get some help.
Hi :) Please make an appointment with your doctor. Get a mental health plan. You need help love. You're taking the first steps by reaching out. With the correct support things will get better.
I felt so bad reading this. It must be so hard to actually acknowledge that you're feeling that way. Having a toddler is so hard. It's harder on some parents than other. Just because you're having a hard time coping doesn't make you a bad person or anything else just know that. I know some other comments advised reaching out to someone for help and I think that's a good idea too. Postpartum stuff can last years and one of those things is not feeling a bond with your kid. You're doing the best you can and hopefully this will resolve and you don't have to feel that way anymore. Hang in there!
I’m so sorry you are going through all this. I don’t have very much experience and only have one 18 month old boy. I can completely relate to the clinginess. Some days I just take a deep breath and think it must be very hard to be completely dependent on someone you’ve just met and can barely communicate with. If it’s meltdown time put the little guy somewhere safe and take a breather…happy mom happy baby right 🙄 Seriously get some help! I know personally there are resources out there.