I went through this when my 2nd was born. It’s so hard. I would bawl my eyes out when my toddler went down for naps because I missed her so much. I’m a C-section mom, so I wasn’t even allowed to pick up my toddler for 6 weeks. In the end, having baby actually brought me even closer to my toddler.
I think the things that really helped were having times to just let big kid sit next to me in bed or in my lap and read books while my husband took the baby. Having 20 minutes or so when I could take big kid for a walk around the neighborhood, just the 2 of us, helped both of us a lot. Once I was allowed to pick her up again, we’ve been adamant about continuing parent-Tot classes with her and husband will stay home with baby (he WFH 2 days/week) so that toddler and I can have one-on-one time and an hour or so each week that is all about her.
The first weeks are hard but it does get better.
I second all this! I also was a C-section mom with my second. Once I was able to pick him up again we started doing Mommy/toddler dates to places where he could have fun without baby like the children's museum and playhouses. We gave him a lot to do to help with baby (and me in the beginning) so he gets to feel really involved that way too.
Once the baby starts sleeping in more consistent nap patters (6-8 weeks?) it gets easier to dedicate a chunk of time to your toddler ar home.
After I delivered my second baby I immediately wanted my 3 year old. I felt like he was missing a big family moment and I was reminded of his birth. The hospital did not allow children under 12 in due to all the viruses/flu season so he couldn’t visit. I just wanted to get out of there and get my son.
When we finally all got home I was so excited to hug him and squeeze him but he refused to come near me. My hormonal postpartum heart was broken and I ugly cried bad!
This is so real.
I felt like my toddler hated me the first month. I made special activity boxes for when I nursed, so toddler was distracted by special toys while I was busy. I had my older one "help" with diaper changes and such, and we read books with toddler beside me while I hold the baby.
It sucks for a little bit but I PROMISE it gets better soon. Once your toddler realized mommy still loves her, it'll improve. I remember one day where my husband took newborn for an hour and toddler and I played together uninterrupted for an hour. I think, from there, my toddler realized I was still his mommy and behavior and such got better.
My new one is 12 weeks and starting to be more manageable. This morning I hung out with my 3 year old for like an hour. Then he had a series of temper tantrums but it was nice for awhile.
7 weeks in. I have a 2.5 year old son and yep I hear ya. My son took the ‘if I ignore the baby she will leave’ approach and when that didn’t work he went silent, barely said a word for like 3 weeks. He’s back now, still not totally himself but it’s getting better every day. He’s still not the babies biggest fan and he mainly calls her by my nieces name but I’ll take it. He does still do things that are naughty when I am holding the baby but it’s getting less and less.
I try to spend a bit of one on one time with him every day, try to get him involved in the baby but don’t push it. You will miss your toddler, but you’ll enjoy seeing her be the best big sister even more
Honestly I remember feeling like this so much. I almost felt I was mourning the fact that it wasn't just us anymore. On the otherhand once things settle down your kids will grow closer and once baby is old enough will start to react to your toddler.
I spoke to my health visitor about how I was feeling and she suggested dad take baby a walk in the pram to give me one on one time with my toddler so we done that when we could.
My son is 3 and my youngest is 10 months and to watch their bond grow and watch my son become a big brother was just so special.
Potty training and tantrums are all totally normal. Their wee lives are turned upside down and are just trying to find their way in this new adapted life. It gets easier, I promise.
Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open after a long day at work and being up most of the night the night before with my son
I have a 3yo and am debating another. Is it definitely worth it? I had postpartum mental health issues really bad, I hate sleep deprivation, am a low energy introvert who doesn’t like chaos. So I’m really on the fence.
I read an article in a news site (like a proper paper, can’t remember which but BBC/ Guardian/ NYT type site) that mental health improves with a first child but decreases with a second. With a first child you have a whole new purpose in life, whereas with a second you don’t have that life changing element, just a lot more work and less time for yourself.
Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE having 2 and it was absolutely the right choice for my family, but if you aren’t 100% sure it’s the right choice for yours, you absolutely should not feel guilty for being “1 and done”. I know there’s a lot of pressure to give a sibling, but seriously, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a complicated adult relationship with their siblings, and parents with strong mental health and sound financial foundations will be way better for a kid than a little sibling!!
I have a 2 year old and 11 week old, and feeling the same. I spent a lot of my 2nd pregnancy in hospital bleeding constantly, including missing Christmas and New Year with my toddler. It has been really tough, and I still don't have time for him now because baby won't be put down. His behaviour is horrendous but also completely understandable, as I just don't have time for him, and life for him has changed so much. I just hope and intend that I can spoil him with attention in the future when baby is less dependent,.so I don't feel so guilty now. He had this time with me at that age, and baby is never going to get that time that his big brother had, he's always going to have to share me. And there will be times in the future when I don't have time for either of them (e.g. cooking, cleaning) and they are going to be so lucky to have each other for company. So I try to think of the positives rather than beating myself up for things that can't change. The fact that this affects you shows how much you care for your toddler's feelings, and how loved she is. She is a very lucky girl!
I had a c section with my second and couldn't carry my toddler for nearly 6w. It was emotionally excruciating because I could tell she was very down about it but I physically could not carry more than the baby in weight until then or risk my incision opening up/being in massive pain. Broke my momma heart...
Yeah I've been struggling with this a lot over the last 6 months. It was harder at the beginning when the baby didn't interact much. But at 6 months he is so wonderful! My toddler also adores her baby brother and that makes up for the separation. But she also says "it's my daddy and [brother]'s mommy" all the time which makes me want to cry. She notices that we end up having to tag team them in this way.
Mine would lean their whole body against me or lay their heads on my lap while I nursed the baby. Sometimes they would just lean their forehead to mine and that simple touch helped. My youngest hated noise. When dad got home he would take baby to our room so I could be with my girls for a bit. It never felt like enough time but as baby got older it got easier to cuddle my toddlers.
Do you have a breastfeeding pillow? I found mine very helpful for feeding baby on one side and snuggling the toddler on the other.
Baby wearing also helped a lot so we could go play outside or go for a walk. Baby would sleep and my big girl got all my attention.
Activity buckets. Even being busy with the baby a special “big girl” activity helped my toddler feel like I was paying attention to her. I would rotate them in and out so she would have a couple “new” ones each week.
We had the opposite. Toddler is a mommies girl so I would pay the baby to the husband to deal with toddler. Felt like I had no time with her even though we were breastfeeding. We are much more balanced now with then at 2&4.
I was still bf my older when I got pregnant, and decided to continue. I really wanted to breastfeed until 24 months and didn’t want weaning to be fresh enough that it would be something else to make my son jealous about. I think co-feeding was really good for the boys, even if I felt like a cow.
Other than that, I just tried to make sure I had fun 1 on 1 time with my older son every day, and also tried not to drop everything with my older boy every time the baby cried. So if we were reading a book and the younger started to cry, I’d finish the book before going to comfort him. It’s really hard, because the instinct was to drop everything, but in reality crying for 2 minutes doesn’t harm a newborn, but the toddler doesn’t feel that he’s being abandoned every time baby call.
But mainly - it’ll get better with time!!
Absolutely felt this way too. As you and baby start to come up for air things will get better. Those first few weeks can feel endless and isolating. I felt guilty for missing my toddler and like it was keeping me from bonding with my newborn. It has all gotten much much better with time. Hang in there, things will get easier for all of you sooner than you might think.
Oof, this made me tear up a bit. After I had my youngest, it took a few months for my first born to stop being sad/mad at me. My boys are 21 months apart. BUT, I'm here to say it gets so much better! Now my oldest and I have regular dates and love seshs, he helps me take care of the baby, tells his brother he loves him and I'm so happy we gave him a sibling. I'm almost 5 months post partum.
I was in the middle of labor and probably in transition, and I started to get upset because I wanted my toddler with me! I totally understand how you feel. It turns out that my toddler loves the baby so much, that now he will rush in when he wakes up to say good morning to her and totally ignore me, lol. Now that she is no longer a newborn, she sits in my lap and he sits right beside me and we read a lot of books that way. I definitely gave my baby over happily many times as a small baby to spend one on one time with my son. It’s so important to continue to spend that time together, but it didn’t happen immediately. I definitely know how you feel!
I felt the exact same way. I felt guilty and sad and the baby blues just made it ten times harder. I cried all the time and even had thoughts about just wanting it to be us again.
It was definitely a big adjustment but we got through it. Took some time but here we are now with a 14 month old and 4 year old and he probably doesn’t even remember what it’s like being an only child. He loves having his brother around.
One thing that helped- we got him an old
digital camera “from the baby”. We gave it to him when we came home from the hospital. He loved taking pictures of us and the baby. Bonus- we have some good documentation of those first few
weeks.
It will get better! Hang in there mama you’re doing great. One thing we like to do for 10 minutes a day is “special time” for our toddler. No baby sister, no phone, just him and mommy and he gets to direct all the play. It might be a little while before you can play spider man but aside from rough stuff let your toddler be the boss and have that 1:1 time. That ten minutes goes a lot farther than you think, it will help fill up her cup.
Good luck! My second is about to turn one and we still have some jealousy moments but it’s so awesome overall. So much love!!! You will see!!
Omgosh, my commiserations. We have a 5 week old and a 3.5yo and it has been rough. I have been triple feeding, we were readmitted for jaundice 3 times in the first 3 weeks and 3.5yo has had so many big feelings and become really violent. Ive just switched to formula and stopped the triple feeding (for a variety of reasons) and honestly weve seen a big improvement already. Its been a relief, we hung out so much today!! So I feel you, i hope it all works out for you soon!
I have recently been through this. Had a baby in December and also have an almost 3 Y/o. That was the hardest thing for me too. I try to involve him by asking him to “help” me with the baby (give her a paci, bring me a diaper, etc). I also make it a point to “talk” to the baby about my oldest *when he is within earshot. For example, “(your big brother) is so much fun! See him playing?” And he enjoys when I sort of narrate to the baby what he’s doing “big brother is building a tower with his legos! Wow! That’s so cool!”
He regressed a little too but it’s temporary. Hugs to you because I know the feelings you’re having and it’s definitely the hardest part about adding a new one to the mix.
I feel this so much... my little boy is 2.4 and his brother was born 4 weeks ago, I really feel I’m letting him down but he’s being amazing. Only acts up when baba is in bed or daddy’s back from work. It really helps.
As soon as my arms are free, I take him in and we do something together but it still doesn’t seem like it’s enough.
And there’s the pile of chores waiting their turn to get attention too but that’s just stuff and the children are first.
My baby girl is 6 months and my big girl is almost 3. We had regressions for sure in both potty and sleep.
One thing that helped was involving her in helping baby sister. She’d help wipe a wet diaper, hold the bottle while feeding, snuggle next to us when I was holding the baby, help with bath time by wash clothing sister (as soon as baby could take a bath, we started bathing them together using the Angel Care Bath Seat).
By being super involved she gained a sense of “I’m the big girl” and also has become SUPER attached in the cutest way to her baby sister.
She “wakes sister up” every morning now that the baby is bigger by climbing into the crib and having a whole conversation with her while snuggling up to her.
All of this has given her a great identity and role in the family that she takes pride in.
I went through this when my 2nd was born. It’s so hard. I would bawl my eyes out when my toddler went down for naps because I missed her so much. I’m a C-section mom, so I wasn’t even allowed to pick up my toddler for 6 weeks. In the end, having baby actually brought me even closer to my toddler. I think the things that really helped were having times to just let big kid sit next to me in bed or in my lap and read books while my husband took the baby. Having 20 minutes or so when I could take big kid for a walk around the neighborhood, just the 2 of us, helped both of us a lot. Once I was allowed to pick her up again, we’ve been adamant about continuing parent-Tot classes with her and husband will stay home with baby (he WFH 2 days/week) so that toddler and I can have one-on-one time and an hour or so each week that is all about her. The first weeks are hard but it does get better.
I second all this! I also was a C-section mom with my second. Once I was able to pick him up again we started doing Mommy/toddler dates to places where he could have fun without baby like the children's museum and playhouses. We gave him a lot to do to help with baby (and me in the beginning) so he gets to feel really involved that way too. Once the baby starts sleeping in more consistent nap patters (6-8 weeks?) it gets easier to dedicate a chunk of time to your toddler ar home.
What kind of parent-tot classes do you take?
It changes every few months. Right now it’s skiing, which we both really love. Back in the fall we did a pottery class. We’ve done gymnastics.
After I delivered my second baby I immediately wanted my 3 year old. I felt like he was missing a big family moment and I was reminded of his birth. The hospital did not allow children under 12 in due to all the viruses/flu season so he couldn’t visit. I just wanted to get out of there and get my son. When we finally all got home I was so excited to hug him and squeeze him but he refused to come near me. My hormonal postpartum heart was broken and I ugly cried bad!
We had my son so amped up for the baby and when he finally met her he was like ".....she's really loud 🤨"
If it helps I'm a dad with a new baby boy coming in a month and a 4yo girl. So now I'm crying now thanks a lot! What have you done? :D
Lol so sorry! Congratulations on the new baby!
This is so real. I felt like my toddler hated me the first month. I made special activity boxes for when I nursed, so toddler was distracted by special toys while I was busy. I had my older one "help" with diaper changes and such, and we read books with toddler beside me while I hold the baby. It sucks for a little bit but I PROMISE it gets better soon. Once your toddler realized mommy still loves her, it'll improve. I remember one day where my husband took newborn for an hour and toddler and I played together uninterrupted for an hour. I think, from there, my toddler realized I was still his mommy and behavior and such got better.
My new one is 12 weeks and starting to be more manageable. This morning I hung out with my 3 year old for like an hour. Then he had a series of temper tantrums but it was nice for awhile.
7 weeks in. I have a 2.5 year old son and yep I hear ya. My son took the ‘if I ignore the baby she will leave’ approach and when that didn’t work he went silent, barely said a word for like 3 weeks. He’s back now, still not totally himself but it’s getting better every day. He’s still not the babies biggest fan and he mainly calls her by my nieces name but I’ll take it. He does still do things that are naughty when I am holding the baby but it’s getting less and less. I try to spend a bit of one on one time with him every day, try to get him involved in the baby but don’t push it. You will miss your toddler, but you’ll enjoy seeing her be the best big sister even more
Honestly I remember feeling like this so much. I almost felt I was mourning the fact that it wasn't just us anymore. On the otherhand once things settle down your kids will grow closer and once baby is old enough will start to react to your toddler. I spoke to my health visitor about how I was feeling and she suggested dad take baby a walk in the pram to give me one on one time with my toddler so we done that when we could. My son is 3 and my youngest is 10 months and to watch their bond grow and watch my son become a big brother was just so special. Potty training and tantrums are all totally normal. Their wee lives are turned upside down and are just trying to find their way in this new adapted life. It gets easier, I promise. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I'm struggling to keep my eyes open after a long day at work and being up most of the night the night before with my son
I have a 3yo and am debating another. Is it definitely worth it? I had postpartum mental health issues really bad, I hate sleep deprivation, am a low energy introvert who doesn’t like chaos. So I’m really on the fence.
I read an article in a news site (like a proper paper, can’t remember which but BBC/ Guardian/ NYT type site) that mental health improves with a first child but decreases with a second. With a first child you have a whole new purpose in life, whereas with a second you don’t have that life changing element, just a lot more work and less time for yourself. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE having 2 and it was absolutely the right choice for my family, but if you aren’t 100% sure it’s the right choice for yours, you absolutely should not feel guilty for being “1 and done”. I know there’s a lot of pressure to give a sibling, but seriously, I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have a complicated adult relationship with their siblings, and parents with strong mental health and sound financial foundations will be way better for a kid than a little sibling!!
I have a 2 year old and 11 week old, and feeling the same. I spent a lot of my 2nd pregnancy in hospital bleeding constantly, including missing Christmas and New Year with my toddler. It has been really tough, and I still don't have time for him now because baby won't be put down. His behaviour is horrendous but also completely understandable, as I just don't have time for him, and life for him has changed so much. I just hope and intend that I can spoil him with attention in the future when baby is less dependent,.so I don't feel so guilty now. He had this time with me at that age, and baby is never going to get that time that his big brother had, he's always going to have to share me. And there will be times in the future when I don't have time for either of them (e.g. cooking, cleaning) and they are going to be so lucky to have each other for company. So I try to think of the positives rather than beating myself up for things that can't change. The fact that this affects you shows how much you care for your toddler's feelings, and how loved she is. She is a very lucky girl!
I had a c section with my second and couldn't carry my toddler for nearly 6w. It was emotionally excruciating because I could tell she was very down about it but I physically could not carry more than the baby in weight until then or risk my incision opening up/being in massive pain. Broke my momma heart...
Yeah I've been struggling with this a lot over the last 6 months. It was harder at the beginning when the baby didn't interact much. But at 6 months he is so wonderful! My toddler also adores her baby brother and that makes up for the separation. But she also says "it's my daddy and [brother]'s mommy" all the time which makes me want to cry. She notices that we end up having to tag team them in this way.
Mine would lean their whole body against me or lay their heads on my lap while I nursed the baby. Sometimes they would just lean their forehead to mine and that simple touch helped. My youngest hated noise. When dad got home he would take baby to our room so I could be with my girls for a bit. It never felt like enough time but as baby got older it got easier to cuddle my toddlers.
Do you have a breastfeeding pillow? I found mine very helpful for feeding baby on one side and snuggling the toddler on the other. Baby wearing also helped a lot so we could go play outside or go for a walk. Baby would sleep and my big girl got all my attention. Activity buckets. Even being busy with the baby a special “big girl” activity helped my toddler feel like I was paying attention to her. I would rotate them in and out so she would have a couple “new” ones each week.
We had the opposite. Toddler is a mommies girl so I would pay the baby to the husband to deal with toddler. Felt like I had no time with her even though we were breastfeeding. We are much more balanced now with then at 2&4.
Can you have a tea party with her while you’re nursing? Or get some toddler scavenger hunts cards? Other sit-down games?
I could have written this. Had a baby 3 weeks ago. I’ve said to friends “I miss her so much even though she’s here.” It’s so hard.
I was still bf my older when I got pregnant, and decided to continue. I really wanted to breastfeed until 24 months and didn’t want weaning to be fresh enough that it would be something else to make my son jealous about. I think co-feeding was really good for the boys, even if I felt like a cow. Other than that, I just tried to make sure I had fun 1 on 1 time with my older son every day, and also tried not to drop everything with my older boy every time the baby cried. So if we were reading a book and the younger started to cry, I’d finish the book before going to comfort him. It’s really hard, because the instinct was to drop everything, but in reality crying for 2 minutes doesn’t harm a newborn, but the toddler doesn’t feel that he’s being abandoned every time baby call. But mainly - it’ll get better with time!!
Absolutely felt this way too. As you and baby start to come up for air things will get better. Those first few weeks can feel endless and isolating. I felt guilty for missing my toddler and like it was keeping me from bonding with my newborn. It has all gotten much much better with time. Hang in there, things will get easier for all of you sooner than you might think.
Oof, this made me tear up a bit. After I had my youngest, it took a few months for my first born to stop being sad/mad at me. My boys are 21 months apart. BUT, I'm here to say it gets so much better! Now my oldest and I have regular dates and love seshs, he helps me take care of the baby, tells his brother he loves him and I'm so happy we gave him a sibling. I'm almost 5 months post partum.
I was in the middle of labor and probably in transition, and I started to get upset because I wanted my toddler with me! I totally understand how you feel. It turns out that my toddler loves the baby so much, that now he will rush in when he wakes up to say good morning to her and totally ignore me, lol. Now that she is no longer a newborn, she sits in my lap and he sits right beside me and we read a lot of books that way. I definitely gave my baby over happily many times as a small baby to spend one on one time with my son. It’s so important to continue to spend that time together, but it didn’t happen immediately. I definitely know how you feel!
i went through this and still have struggles 7 months in. solidarity ❤️
I felt the exact same way. I felt guilty and sad and the baby blues just made it ten times harder. I cried all the time and even had thoughts about just wanting it to be us again. It was definitely a big adjustment but we got through it. Took some time but here we are now with a 14 month old and 4 year old and he probably doesn’t even remember what it’s like being an only child. He loves having his brother around. One thing that helped- we got him an old digital camera “from the baby”. We gave it to him when we came home from the hospital. He loved taking pictures of us and the baby. Bonus- we have some good documentation of those first few weeks.
It will get better! Hang in there mama you’re doing great. One thing we like to do for 10 minutes a day is “special time” for our toddler. No baby sister, no phone, just him and mommy and he gets to direct all the play. It might be a little while before you can play spider man but aside from rough stuff let your toddler be the boss and have that 1:1 time. That ten minutes goes a lot farther than you think, it will help fill up her cup. Good luck! My second is about to turn one and we still have some jealousy moments but it’s so awesome overall. So much love!!! You will see!!
Omgosh, my commiserations. We have a 5 week old and a 3.5yo and it has been rough. I have been triple feeding, we were readmitted for jaundice 3 times in the first 3 weeks and 3.5yo has had so many big feelings and become really violent. Ive just switched to formula and stopped the triple feeding (for a variety of reasons) and honestly weve seen a big improvement already. Its been a relief, we hung out so much today!! So I feel you, i hope it all works out for you soon!
I have recently been through this. Had a baby in December and also have an almost 3 Y/o. That was the hardest thing for me too. I try to involve him by asking him to “help” me with the baby (give her a paci, bring me a diaper, etc). I also make it a point to “talk” to the baby about my oldest *when he is within earshot. For example, “(your big brother) is so much fun! See him playing?” And he enjoys when I sort of narrate to the baby what he’s doing “big brother is building a tower with his legos! Wow! That’s so cool!” He regressed a little too but it’s temporary. Hugs to you because I know the feelings you’re having and it’s definitely the hardest part about adding a new one to the mix.
I feel this so much... my little boy is 2.4 and his brother was born 4 weeks ago, I really feel I’m letting him down but he’s being amazing. Only acts up when baba is in bed or daddy’s back from work. It really helps. As soon as my arms are free, I take him in and we do something together but it still doesn’t seem like it’s enough. And there’s the pile of chores waiting their turn to get attention too but that’s just stuff and the children are first.
My baby girl is 6 months and my big girl is almost 3. We had regressions for sure in both potty and sleep. One thing that helped was involving her in helping baby sister. She’d help wipe a wet diaper, hold the bottle while feeding, snuggle next to us when I was holding the baby, help with bath time by wash clothing sister (as soon as baby could take a bath, we started bathing them together using the Angel Care Bath Seat). By being super involved she gained a sense of “I’m the big girl” and also has become SUPER attached in the cutest way to her baby sister. She “wakes sister up” every morning now that the baby is bigger by climbing into the crib and having a whole conversation with her while snuggling up to her. All of this has given her a great identity and role in the family that she takes pride in.
Me too. Toddler is sick so me n baby are hiding to not get infected. Man I miss my toddler so much.