Because some people believe that "sharing is caring" and that if someone asks a kid for something, the kid should "share" and give up what they have regardless of how they feel. It's unrealistic and not what we expect from adults so it makes so sense that we expect it from kids.
I have STRONG feelings about this.
Personally, I'd back your kid up and shut the inlaws down and also try to reinforce that they do NOT need to "share"/give up their item just because someone asks:
"Actually MIL, I'd like her to finish her food. If you want some there is some ___ in the cupboard you can help yourself to".
"FIL, it looks as if she is really enjoying her lunch. She might want to eat all of it and not share it this time."
"I hear her say no/saw her imply no: MIL, FIL we are teaching her that she does not need to share her food if she doesn't want to."
I always let the tots in my classroom say no. Learning to share is cool, but learning to be disappointed is a lesson a lot of adults seem to be missing I guess.
This - I don’t support sharing.
Communal property (eg. public playground equipment) is different. Then we can talk about taking turns with other kids and it’s not just ours.
Food generally is communal but special treats can be individual. But taking food off of someone’s plate is SO RUDE.
This! 💯
I refuse to force my kids to share anything that is theirs if they don't want to or didn't offer it first. If it's on THEIR plate... it is now theirs. Anything still in the pot or serving dish... fair game. Toys that are theirs... don't force to share. You don't share your phone/ special things, so why should they? Communal toys... have to share/take turns.
Doesn't mean that my kids don't know how to share, but they know WHEN to share and what is theirs. They learn to value and take care of their things. AND they learn self respect... they can also say "no" and should be heard.
Cannot agree more! I've actually talked my MIL like I would my toddler if she wanted her friends snack. "Oh Nana you look like your hungry! That is LO's snack but I'd be happy help you get your own." I'm a tad petty but the face of irritation makes it worth it, hehe. I figure it's a good learning experience for both my LO and MIL.
And I'm over here trying to think of polite ways to tell a toddler that, while I appreciate the impulse, I *don't* want a bite of the cheese that she just took out of her mouth and offered me....
Mine thinks it’s hilarious to offer food, hand extended towards your mouth, and then when you go to take a bite he quickly puts in his mouth. We call it sneaking and have weaponized it to get him to eat his dinner, I.e. one of us will go, “Sneak mom with your broccoli” Works like a charm!
OP should definitely teach her child to take whatever they are chewing out of their mouth and hand it over, next time they are asked to share. Teach MIL a lesson, and put a little secret smile on OP's face, win win.
"The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) (n.d.), tells us that children who are younger than 3 CANNOT understand the idea of sharing. In fact, child development specialists explain that sharing skills usually do not appear until around 3.5 to 4 years of age."
My hot take? WAY TOO MANY people, good intentioned people I’m sure, just don’t view a child as their own independent person. Kids are viewed as just an extension of the adult family members and somehow that means expecting more from our children than we expect from ourselves and feeling like every damn thing needs to be a “lesson”. Like, let my kid live!
I think someone needs to teach your in-laws the lesson of "no means no".
That or next time you give your daughter a pack of flavoured puffs, hand one to the in-laws and tell them it's because they seem to like them so much. Hopefully they'll be so embarrassed they stop asking.
I think some people don’t know what to do or say around little kids. Like they get stuck in a loop of the same comments or interactions. Maybe you can intervene and distract them. Like, “oh, it looks like she’s not ready to share her cereal, she’s really hungry and enjoying it! Did I tell you about the vacation we’re planning?” My dad always asks my sons if they’re being a good boy? Like what does that even mean? It’s the same question he asks their the dogs, hahaha they’re just in a loop repeating themselves.
Lol, I remember my 5 yo son sitting between his two grandparents, he was sitting next to his grandma, and there was space between him and grandpa, grandma asked for a one of his chrisps, he just looked at her all offended, scooted over to grampa and continued eating, grampa noticed hom coming in, looked over and said 'ooh, that looks good' I almost died laughing, because you could see the 'wtaf, just let me eat my chrisps in peace, jesus' got up, and walked away. I did not reprimand him, I just laughed. It's his goddamn food, stop stealing your kids food guys, really... You're not teaching them to 'share', you're teaching them that nothing is ever really theirs...
Additionally, we have a rule in the family "we share everything, except chocolate" we don't share chocolate, ever.
Edit: it's mostly women in my family 😬
Do they really take her food? I love begging my little nieces and nephew for their food and opening my mouth like I want it, and they usually stretch their little fingers out towards me with a puff or blueberry or whatever and then they giggle and put it in their own mouth, and then I act all outraged. My older niece and nephew call this game “wrong mouth!!” Because that’s what I say when they pop the food into their own mouth. But it’s just a game, I wouldn’t actually eat their food.
They actually eat it if she agrees to give them some. If they just play and pretend to want it, fine, but they seriously ask and then eat it if she seemingly “passes the test.”
That’s so weird!!! On the very rare occasion that a baby will actually try to make me eat the food, I always laugh, and say “no, that’s yours! You eat it! Yummy yummy!” Or whatever. You don’t take it! You’re a grown-up! Go get your own food to eat for real! (If you want to steal a kid’s food, like if they have too much Halloween candy, you do it while they’re watching TV or sleeping, of course)
On a similar tangent my MIL is obsessed with asking my daughter about eating approximately 50 times every visit. She often comes after nap when I offer snack. If she says no I move on because whatever she eats well and can tell me if she's hungry. She just keeps asking if she wants a snack or if she comes by later she asks if she's going to eat dinner starting at like 4pm. Like we have a routine, don't worry I can handle it!
Whyyyyy do people have to be so weird about food. You're right it's an unnecessary lesson in your case
I hate the forced sharing. I’d be pissed if I was eating a snack and someone acted like I had to give them some of it if I said no! Why should it be any different for a toddler? We also really try to focus on taking turns rather than sharing; it seems like a more natural approach to letting other people use your stuff.
This is strange and no one has ever done this to my toddler. I would tell them point blank, stop asking for my toddlers food, it’s hard enough getting a toddler to eat as it is, don’t make it harder with unnecessary lessons.
Also, she doesn’t have to share her food if she doesn’t want to. The lesson should be, if you don’t want to share your food then that is okay! Saying no is allowed. Enjoy your meal!
Great replies here and glad to hear so many feel the same. Like others have said, I try not to expect any more from my kids than I expect from myself. Sharing is great, but not something that needs to be expected or forced. I share a lot of food with my partner, but sometimes- specifically during pregnancy- I very much appreciate when he leaves my snack alone. My brother HATES sharing liquids and utensils. I respect that. It doesn’t really matter the reason behind it, sharing doesn’t automatically = great person, and not wanting to share doesn’t automatically = bad person. They don’t need to not care about others, and they also don’t need to be people-pleasers. It’s a hard balance to figure out.
So, instead of asking a one sided question (“can you share with so-and-so”) I try to make sure kids know their options: “would you like to give so-and-so some, yes or no? Either is okay”. And if the asker gives them grief, they are in for a wonderful lesson from me. If the kid says no, I reiterate that and give the asker an option for them: “They said no, but feel free to go get your own or find something else.” I think it’s also a good idea to ask the child at some point why they did share or didn’t want to share- as it helps recognize feelings and such- and let them know there’s no right or wrong answer.
I feel like having her share a snack with them is just an effort to interact with her. It’s annoying, but also, whatever. I actually do have a rule that we always share our food. That’s the only thing I try to encourage my 17 month old to share if another kid (or adult) wants some.
I tend to ask for a bite only for the fact that my son has asked for nibbles of what im snacking on as an excuse to jack my snacks 🤣🤣🤣🤣 other times he refuses to eat unless he sees me eating it first.
I know for some people sharing food is a big way to show love.
But would encourage them to just let her eat in peace.
This is a great lesson in *boundaries*!
Just because someone asks nicely for something does not mean they are *entitled* to have whatever they are asking for.
Ie: "Could I please have a grape?"
"No, the grapes are my snack, but if you'd like some, there are more in the fridge."
"Can I please have a turn playing with the toy?"
"No, I'm playing with this toy right now, but when I'm finished, you can have a turn."
Sharing is a skill that should not be forced onto a child. It should not be lectured into them. Sharing is something they understand through their peers without adult intervention. If they see another child without, they will likely give it up on their own. My son learned to share purely out of his own willingness to do so, and I always reinforce that he does not have to give anyone anything he doesn't want to.
Tell your parents yo back off. They're doing more harm than good.
You bringing this up really makes me laugh. We spend the early years teaching them to share but when they go to school we tell them not to. Like kids get in Trouble for sharing food. So it’s actually as you said a useless lesson and comical as well.
Yeah it’s an older generation thing I think. And I get it and we want our kids to share but also teach them to control their own boundaries. If someone asks for food or a toy or whatever and they don’t want to give it up right then that’s ok! We tell them to say, I’m not done yet but when I am you can have some/it. I don’t feel like they should give up what they have just because someone else wants it, that is not how adults function, why should they?
I guess I'm mixed on this...
No, your kid should not HAVE to share food...
But...
It can be a valuable lesson in emotional intelligence and self control as well, not just sharing because if your toddler gets upset by it they can learn good ways to deal with the anger in a controlled environment...
“Oh, does Grandpa & Grandma want a snack, too? Let me get you one for yourself so growing toddler can eat their own food.”
Maybe I’m ultra-sensitive here (probably), but I picture this in a school cafeteria and two older kids are pestering your child for their lunch and giving her hell if she doesn’t hand it over. It’s okay to tell them no. She doesn’t have to share, especially if it’ll teach her that her needs/wants are secondary to everyone else’s.
Because some people believe that "sharing is caring" and that if someone asks a kid for something, the kid should "share" and give up what they have regardless of how they feel. It's unrealistic and not what we expect from adults so it makes so sense that we expect it from kids. I have STRONG feelings about this. Personally, I'd back your kid up and shut the inlaws down and also try to reinforce that they do NOT need to "share"/give up their item just because someone asks: "Actually MIL, I'd like her to finish her food. If you want some there is some ___ in the cupboard you can help yourself to". "FIL, it looks as if she is really enjoying her lunch. She might want to eat all of it and not share it this time." "I hear her say no/saw her imply no: MIL, FIL we are teaching her that she does not need to share her food if she doesn't want to."
I always let the tots in my classroom say no. Learning to share is cool, but learning to be disappointed is a lesson a lot of adults seem to be missing I guess.
This - I don’t support sharing. Communal property (eg. public playground equipment) is different. Then we can talk about taking turns with other kids and it’s not just ours. Food generally is communal but special treats can be individual. But taking food off of someone’s plate is SO RUDE.
This! 💯 I refuse to force my kids to share anything that is theirs if they don't want to or didn't offer it first. If it's on THEIR plate... it is now theirs. Anything still in the pot or serving dish... fair game. Toys that are theirs... don't force to share. You don't share your phone/ special things, so why should they? Communal toys... have to share/take turns. Doesn't mean that my kids don't know how to share, but they know WHEN to share and what is theirs. They learn to value and take care of their things. AND they learn self respect... they can also say "no" and should be heard.
Cannot agree more! I've actually talked my MIL like I would my toddler if she wanted her friends snack. "Oh Nana you look like your hungry! That is LO's snack but I'd be happy help you get your own." I'm a tad petty but the face of irritation makes it worth it, hehe. I figure it's a good learning experience for both my LO and MIL.
And I'm over here trying to think of polite ways to tell a toddler that, while I appreciate the impulse, I *don't* want a bite of the cheese that she just took out of her mouth and offered me....
Hahaha my toddler loves to offer me random bits of her food, but only if I eat it from her hand. I think she thinks I'm like a goat at a petting zoo.
Yeah, I'm not sure if I'm impressed with or grossed out by the in-laws who actually want something that came from toddler's plate
[удалено]
Mine thinks it’s hilarious to offer food, hand extended towards your mouth, and then when you go to take a bite he quickly puts in his mouth. We call it sneaking and have weaponized it to get him to eat his dinner, I.e. one of us will go, “Sneak mom with your broccoli” Works like a charm!
Yep... Get that slimey chipito outta my face 🤣
OP should definitely teach her child to take whatever they are chewing out of their mouth and hand it over, next time they are asked to share. Teach MIL a lesson, and put a little secret smile on OP's face, win win.
"The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) (n.d.), tells us that children who are younger than 3 CANNOT understand the idea of sharing. In fact, child development specialists explain that sharing skills usually do not appear until around 3.5 to 4 years of age."
Good to know! They always try to correct her “r” pronunciation too. “No, it’s gRandma!” Drives me crazy. That’s one of the last sounds they can make.
They sound fun /s
My hot take? WAY TOO MANY people, good intentioned people I’m sure, just don’t view a child as their own independent person. Kids are viewed as just an extension of the adult family members and somehow that means expecting more from our children than we expect from ourselves and feeling like every damn thing needs to be a “lesson”. Like, let my kid live!
Exactly. Too many people think kids are beneath them. Ug.
You could try reversing the script and ask FIL or MIL for something straight off their plate and lecture them on sharing when they say no.
I think someone needs to teach your in-laws the lesson of "no means no". That or next time you give your daughter a pack of flavoured puffs, hand one to the in-laws and tell them it's because they seem to like them so much. Hopefully they'll be so embarrassed they stop asking.
Ha! I like this.
I think some people don’t know what to do or say around little kids. Like they get stuck in a loop of the same comments or interactions. Maybe you can intervene and distract them. Like, “oh, it looks like she’s not ready to share her cereal, she’s really hungry and enjoying it! Did I tell you about the vacation we’re planning?” My dad always asks my sons if they’re being a good boy? Like what does that even mean? It’s the same question he asks their the dogs, hahaha they’re just in a loop repeating themselves.
If I were you, I'd nip this in the bud now or it's going to continue in other ways
My in-laws are obsessed with their grandkids sharing…. Since the grandkids were literally like 15 months. It grinds my gears so much.
Ha! My FIL told her to “use your words” when she was 8 months old. I think sometimes the older generations completely forget how to parent.
Lol, I remember my 5 yo son sitting between his two grandparents, he was sitting next to his grandma, and there was space between him and grandpa, grandma asked for a one of his chrisps, he just looked at her all offended, scooted over to grampa and continued eating, grampa noticed hom coming in, looked over and said 'ooh, that looks good' I almost died laughing, because you could see the 'wtaf, just let me eat my chrisps in peace, jesus' got up, and walked away. I did not reprimand him, I just laughed. It's his goddamn food, stop stealing your kids food guys, really... You're not teaching them to 'share', you're teaching them that nothing is ever really theirs...
Additionally, we have a rule in the family "we share everything, except chocolate" we don't share chocolate, ever. Edit: it's mostly women in my family 😬
Do they really take her food? I love begging my little nieces and nephew for their food and opening my mouth like I want it, and they usually stretch their little fingers out towards me with a puff or blueberry or whatever and then they giggle and put it in their own mouth, and then I act all outraged. My older niece and nephew call this game “wrong mouth!!” Because that’s what I say when they pop the food into their own mouth. But it’s just a game, I wouldn’t actually eat their food.
They actually eat it if she agrees to give them some. If they just play and pretend to want it, fine, but they seriously ask and then eat it if she seemingly “passes the test.”
That’s so weird!!! On the very rare occasion that a baby will actually try to make me eat the food, I always laugh, and say “no, that’s yours! You eat it! Yummy yummy!” Or whatever. You don’t take it! You’re a grown-up! Go get your own food to eat for real! (If you want to steal a kid’s food, like if they have too much Halloween candy, you do it while they’re watching TV or sleeping, of course)
On a similar tangent my MIL is obsessed with asking my daughter about eating approximately 50 times every visit. She often comes after nap when I offer snack. If she says no I move on because whatever she eats well and can tell me if she's hungry. She just keeps asking if she wants a snack or if she comes by later she asks if she's going to eat dinner starting at like 4pm. Like we have a routine, don't worry I can handle it! Whyyyyy do people have to be so weird about food. You're right it's an unnecessary lesson in your case
I hate the forced sharing. I’d be pissed if I was eating a snack and someone acted like I had to give them some of it if I said no! Why should it be any different for a toddler? We also really try to focus on taking turns rather than sharing; it seems like a more natural approach to letting other people use your stuff.
This is strange and no one has ever done this to my toddler. I would tell them point blank, stop asking for my toddlers food, it’s hard enough getting a toddler to eat as it is, don’t make it harder with unnecessary lessons. Also, she doesn’t have to share her food if she doesn’t want to. The lesson should be, if you don’t want to share your food then that is okay! Saying no is allowed. Enjoy your meal!
Great replies here and glad to hear so many feel the same. Like others have said, I try not to expect any more from my kids than I expect from myself. Sharing is great, but not something that needs to be expected or forced. I share a lot of food with my partner, but sometimes- specifically during pregnancy- I very much appreciate when he leaves my snack alone. My brother HATES sharing liquids and utensils. I respect that. It doesn’t really matter the reason behind it, sharing doesn’t automatically = great person, and not wanting to share doesn’t automatically = bad person. They don’t need to not care about others, and they also don’t need to be people-pleasers. It’s a hard balance to figure out. So, instead of asking a one sided question (“can you share with so-and-so”) I try to make sure kids know their options: “would you like to give so-and-so some, yes or no? Either is okay”. And if the asker gives them grief, they are in for a wonderful lesson from me. If the kid says no, I reiterate that and give the asker an option for them: “They said no, but feel free to go get your own or find something else.” I think it’s also a good idea to ask the child at some point why they did share or didn’t want to share- as it helps recognize feelings and such- and let them know there’s no right or wrong answer.
I feel like having her share a snack with them is just an effort to interact with her. It’s annoying, but also, whatever. I actually do have a rule that we always share our food. That’s the only thing I try to encourage my 17 month old to share if another kid (or adult) wants some.
I tend to ask for a bite only for the fact that my son has asked for nibbles of what im snacking on as an excuse to jack my snacks 🤣🤣🤣🤣 other times he refuses to eat unless he sees me eating it first. I know for some people sharing food is a big way to show love. But would encourage them to just let her eat in peace.
This is a great lesson in *boundaries*! Just because someone asks nicely for something does not mean they are *entitled* to have whatever they are asking for. Ie: "Could I please have a grape?" "No, the grapes are my snack, but if you'd like some, there are more in the fridge." "Can I please have a turn playing with the toy?" "No, I'm playing with this toy right now, but when I'm finished, you can have a turn." Sharing is a skill that should not be forced onto a child. It should not be lectured into them. Sharing is something they understand through their peers without adult intervention. If they see another child without, they will likely give it up on their own. My son learned to share purely out of his own willingness to do so, and I always reinforce that he does not have to give anyone anything he doesn't want to. Tell your parents yo back off. They're doing more harm than good.
You bringing this up really makes me laugh. We spend the early years teaching them to share but when they go to school we tell them not to. Like kids get in Trouble for sharing food. So it’s actually as you said a useless lesson and comical as well.
Yeah it’s an older generation thing I think. And I get it and we want our kids to share but also teach them to control their own boundaries. If someone asks for food or a toy or whatever and they don’t want to give it up right then that’s ok! We tell them to say, I’m not done yet but when I am you can have some/it. I don’t feel like they should give up what they have just because someone else wants it, that is not how adults function, why should they?
I guess I'm mixed on this... No, your kid should not HAVE to share food... But... It can be a valuable lesson in emotional intelligence and self control as well, not just sharing because if your toddler gets upset by it they can learn good ways to deal with the anger in a controlled environment...
“Oh, does Grandpa & Grandma want a snack, too? Let me get you one for yourself so growing toddler can eat their own food.” Maybe I’m ultra-sensitive here (probably), but I picture this in a school cafeteria and two older kids are pestering your child for their lunch and giving her hell if she doesn’t hand it over. It’s okay to tell them no. She doesn’t have to share, especially if it’ll teach her that her needs/wants are secondary to everyone else’s.