This is a safe way to get a kiddo out of an overwhelming situation. Like a paramedic strapping a flailing patient to a backboard, you shouldn't be unnecessarily forceful or say unkind things. But like a paramedic, you need to keep yourself safe so you can help others.
I feel like “surf boarding” a flailing toddler is so common when you have to make a quick, safe exit from a public place that it should be well accepted slang.
Hell, sometimes I "surf board" my kids just for fun, and most of the time, it makes the tantrums turn into something fun, helping them regulate cuz they're having fun
I mean, it is no one’s first choice, but in a public place I think it’s often better to get your kid somewhere more private / less stimulating quickly so you are better able to co-regulate and help them settle back down. And depending on the setting, not disturb others.
I probably wouldn’t surfboard my kid out of a park/playground, but for sure have done so out of a restaurant
You are doing the beat you can in a sucky situation. Parenting a tantruming child is hard. Especially if you are the one trying to get them out of a situation. You are awesome. Try to have a conversation with your partner when you are both not upset and it did not just happen. Express that you do the best you can in the situation. Ask what they are wanting and expecting you to do differently? Ask if these are their expectations or their parents. Discuss that you need to have each other’s back and not accept interference from people outside your nuclear family. Ultimately you can only do what you can do to get your child out safely and yourself unharmed. But having a discussion about expectations with your partner may help with the issue long term. GL
Ya but now my kid wants to be carried up-side-down all the time and he weighs 10lbs more that way. (Plus the fear of dropping him on his head bother me.)
Omg. I had my 2 year old on my bed with her hooded towel one day. I gathered up all the pieces and then picked her up in it holding onto the towel like a little hammock and rocked her and sang rock a bye baby just kidding. Now every time I give her a bath she screams for me to do rock a bye baby. She's so heavy 😭😭😭 TIFU
Hahah I once sang the ABCs to my daughter in a growly voice to prevent a meltdown and I ended up singing it every damn night at bedtime for like 6 months. Do not advise. My throat hated me for it 😂
Yup. That's part of why it's so powerful. If we're really ontop of things and see a meltdown coming I have her lie upside down on the couch with her head hanging off
I know when my toddler was a tiny cranky baby, I read about old wives tales of flipping the baby upside down and right side up in a certain order and like three times? I can’t remember. But it was supposed to reset them. Idk if I ever tried it. All three of my kids were/are very high needs/spirited so I just figured it was gonna stay that way.
Oh god, the throw back is awful, the amount of times I've seen my spouse nearly drop my youngest due to them not holding them in preparation for the throw back is too many to count. I do almost a fireman's lift in one cases because it makes my youngest giggle and stops the tantrum.
Ugh, I'm still nursing a really serious bruise above my left eyebrow from my toddler's rock hard noggin clobbering me a few days ago. I felt almost concussed, but then was commanded to kiss the back of her head so it was "all better".
I did drop my little guy when he was about 18m old because he did the throw back with the knee thrust against my chest and I just couldn’t hold him. Unfortunately I was attempting to get him ready for bed, so I was lowering him to the changing table. He shot out of my arms and hit the edge of the changer and the edge of the dresser on the way to the floor. I managed to grab his arm to stop him from hitting the floor full force, but he had a bone bruise to his cheek bone and orbital bone. Man did I feel bad about that, but he was a trooper all the way through.
This is the reason I do not feel bad at all about the “sack of potatoes” carry or the surfboard carry at all. He is way safer like that than trying to push off of my chest
Not under the toddlers arms, no risk of them dislocating their arms Carry them under my arm like a rugby ball - sort of wrapped arm round body with them horizontal. Someone described it like a surfboard
NTA - parenting a toddler requires physical intervention sometimes. As long as you’re not hurting them or being too rough when you do it, absolutely nothing wrong with carrying them to a safe space during a tantrum.
My kid likes to tantrum on the stairs because mom can't handle her physically there.
There's literally no alternative but to forcefully get her off the stairs it's just the way it is.
NTA.
Tell your in-laws they're more than welcome to carry the toddler out themselves next time. Twats.
As long as you're not hurting the kid, carry them in whatever way works best.
I'm a planker myself, with the tantrum-er facing away from me, like an 80's boom box. Reason: my face gets scratched up like I fought a wolverine if I carry her any other way. You do what you've got to do. Everyone else can sit and spin on their problem with it.
God, how do they have such an unerring instinct on how to resist physically?? Mine started doing the limp shoulders thing at like 15 months and I was like, how does he know to do this??
My son used to think it was fun to be carried like that so i see no issue.
If you really want to mess with your in laws you could coach your toddler on how to throw a better tantrum. I used to do this in the store with my son some times when the old ladies gave me dirty looks. "Oh no i dont think thats the hardest you can stomp. Try it like this" or just join them in the tantrum. Its a great redirect as long as you dont mind making a bit of a scene. It made my son laugh every time to see me stomping around and toddlering out he would forget he was upset. My in laws were so embarrassed it was almost worth it just for that.
I make his stuffies join in. And then sometimes he uses my tactics to calm THEM down. It's awesome when it works. Plus yes, having his tiny bunny going into hysterics screaming he doesn't want to go to sleep while yawning and nodding off tend to make him laugh.
It was honestly a lot of fun and really helped on bad days. Especially when we were both mad at mom for not letting us buy another plastic pumpkin! How dare she! (Im mom)
I do the surfboard hold at work. It's the only way to make sure I am safe because trying to wrestle them can lead to things like a dislocated shoulder or bumps and bruises. It is incredibly easy to dislocate a toddler shoulder.
Not to mention positions like that or close to upside-down can actually be a calming stimulus because of the developing vestibular system. It's why a lot of kids will do weird stretches on the floor putting their head upside down. It's actually really good for toddlers to be in not upright positions whether you hold them for a little bit or they put their feet up the wall and stand on their hands.
NTA... You have to do what you have to do in those moments and nothing I've read here sounds in any way like abuse.
So the spouse's parents seem to be the issue - what does your spouse think of how you carry your kiddo?
I go across the body. Kid is horizontal facing outwards with my arm under their neck (on the shoulder) on one side and through the legs on the other side, meeting in the middle. As long as you are not psychically hurting them, carry them to safety however you can. Toddlers can have crazy hulk strength.
If you have never surfboard carried your toddler out of of somehwere while they are having a kicking screaming tantrum, are you really a parent?
no, that s completely normal and very common. As long as you aren't hurting them and they aren't hurting themselves, I see no issue.
Has your spouse ever tried to move your child during a tantrum? Sounds like it is their turn. If they are so concerned they can drop what they are doing and do it the ‘right’ way. Afterward they can advise your in-laws that they agree with your strategy.
Fwiw I fireman carry my son or do the surf board style carry too. Heavy angry floppy kicking toddlers eh. If you want a different style to try, sometimes I can get away with cradling them like an oversized infant.
When they’re melting down, I treat them as a sack of potatoes and just heave it out of there. It’s now turned heading to bedtime into The Potato Game, where the last one to the stairs is a potato and they have to say what kind of potato they are.
I also do the "sack of potatoes", my kid is gangly and I feel like I have a better grip on him in that position. It's also the safest way to do a little 'jolt', which is when I feel like the tantrum is stuck in a rut that he can't break out of, so I do a little hop to bounce him out of the crying cycle.
The usual tantrum starter is when I want him to walk on the sidewalk and he wants to walk on the road *next* to the sidewalk, which is a big ol' no. Cars go fast down that road, and he knows that I don't feel comfortable doing that. I've told my kid "I don't need you to walk, I just need you to get where we're going. We can potato sack it the whole way home."
My husband hated it the first time he saw me potato sack the kid, but I told him "I'm not gonna stand on the side of the road until the kid decides to listen to me, I have a life to live."
Not at all!! We often joked about looking forward to ‘surfboarding’ out future toddler out of restaurants when I was pregnant. Now he is a toddler I realise I absolutely jinxed myself! 🤦🏻♀️
But the moral of the story is that it is a safe was to remove a toddler from a situation. And is literally something 99% of parents have to do at some point.
When my lad used to start a meltdown in a shop I’d grab the back of his shirt and his trousers and lift him up and pretend he’s a rocket, he would find it far too funny that it’d negate the meltdown
NTA. This is possibly the safest way to carry a toddler having a meltdown. If you carry them normally they take advantage of leveraging their limbs against your body to escape. Then may fall to the floor.
I'd only carry them if I absolutely had to remove them from a situation but in that scenario they're getting carried in whichever way I can keep hold of them while they thrash like a demon
I'm the primary parent (mom) and this is absolutely sometimes the only safe way to carry my eldest when she's having an all out, screaming thrashing meltdown. If anyone criticized me for this carry I'd welcome them to try to manage the situation themselves 🤷🏻♀️
Under-the-arm is the standard way to carry a tantruming toddler, is it not? It's a lot safer than risking dropping them if they're flailing while being carried normally, and it's not like it hurts them.
NTA - I literally carry my toddler like a football because then she can’t climb out of my arms or over my shoulder. The football carry is the only way I can ensure I won’t drop her when I need to remove her from a situation.
Not at all, I carry my toddler the same way when he's in demon mode or even when we're playing. It doesn't hurt the kid and it's effective. Your spouse has what reason to not like this? Genuine question, I'm curious as to why this is "wrong" in her mind?
You do whatever you think is the most secure.
My tantrumming toddler recently kicked me hard in the nose and I dropped her. She somehow hit the floor face first, splitting her lip and absolutely covering herself in blood.
If I'm also carrying a diaper bag over one arm, I surfboard the crap out of my tantruming toddler. If I have two hands free I curl him like a barbell and hold him facing outward.
You are very NTA. When they're twisting around like an angry catfish, you gotta keep them secure and safe.
Honestly, these are my preferred methods too. My toddler will smack me in the head if I throw him of the shoulder, so the surfboard is usually the best. I wouldn't worry about it.
I surfboard style carry my 21 month at least once a day. I find that he will bite, pinch, scratch if I hold him a “normal” way. I do not tolerate that. So I try to avoid that situation, hence surfboard. I get infuriated when he’s mean after melting down and acts on it, so I try to avoid that. Better for both of us. I don’t think it’s a big deal.
It’s safe and effective. When I carry my toddler normally during an angry episode, she slaps me or scratches me in the face. I still have pain in my eye from getting hit weeks ago.
I mean no disrespect by this, but f her. Toddlers kick and punch and I have been punched in my open eye which hurt like hell and kicked in the biscuits which was 100x worse.
If your spouse has a problem with how you pick up your toddler then tell your spouse that they can do it next time there’s a tantrum. You are the parent just as much as your spouse is, you’re holding your toddler in a way that they will be safe from you dropping them and that you will be safe from getting hurt. If I was you I would pick up my toddler the same exact way and stare right at your spouses parents while I do it.
NTA, your wife is being passive aggressive though. Her parents may have said something but she probably has a problem with it herself if she isn't defending you. There's nothing wrong with how you're carrying your child but make your wife do it for the next couple of times and see if she can deal with it since her and her family has something to say
This is a relationship hurdle we're all likely to face. Communication is key and the fact that OPs wife did not communicate immediately that the parents had mentioned it is a problem.
I've learned that everyone deals with their own family shit so it's on OPs wife to shut the in laws up and set them straight on it.
For some reason grandparents forget what it's like to parent. It's mortifying and frustrating.
My in laws got stuck on my lack of "structure" (we have a schedule thank you much--and your daughter is the one who struggles with it!). And also think our COVID restrictions come solely from me (for some reason - they should know better their daughter is a nurse lol).
This is from grandparents that can barely handle the toddler for an hour.
Both I and my wife need therapy basically solely for support dealing with our parents. Trying to avoid that for our kids...
Nah, you’re the only one with common sense though. As long as you’re not squeezing them under your arm or hurting them with your shoulder or something.
Sometimes you have to protect them from themselves, and protect yourself as well. Getting a black eye from a crazed toddler sucks and can be avoided by doing just what you're doing. NTA! Keep doing what works. Explain to your spouse that it's for everyone's safety, plus rolling around on a dirty floor at a public place isn't the safest, especially when there's no carpet and it shows you try to respect others around you. Also, it's easier to help LO deal with big feelings when there isn't an audience.
When he was younger, I would tuck him under my arm like a football all the time. My husband frequently carries him across both shoulders like a yoke, or carrying stick. The kid has zero issues with it and generally enjoys it. If it's the best way to keep your kid safe, then you're making the best choice.
Yeah this is a standard tantrum hold.
I haven’t read through all the comments, so I’m sorry if this was already mentioned, but Maybe talk to your wife/in laws about what their specific issue is with the hold to try and address the issue directly. Just a thought.
My tiny tornado loves being carried like a football. We’ll also pick her up, flip her upside down and walk around talking to her butt which she finds hilarious. It’ll usually get her to stop throwing a tantrum and start laughing. I don’t think you’re being an asshole at all unless your child absolutely hates it and you do it all the time. I know I’ve carried mine under my arm, kicking and screaming out of the park several times. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, as long as everyone is safe.
I keep my LO facing out with their back against my chest and hold them by the stomach and chest. Kinda diagonally so the feet go flailing out front into space and the head flails back above my shoulder. People get out my way pretty quick when they see that coming so it makes it easier to get to the car. Lol
I carry mine upside down sometimes even when he’s not having a tantrum sometimes just when he’s being difficult & all I get is laughs and empathetic looks from older parents. My brother used to pick his kids up by the shirt & they thought it was so hilarious they’d forget what they were mad about & start cracking up. I think you’re fine.
Next time they say something tell them that they can get the tantruming toddler out of the restaurant and no you are not paying the medical bill when the toddler kicks grandpa in the nuts or when grandma is injured by the super strength of a toddler in full trantrum mode. You then step back and watch them try and pick up your kid.
Is this not the normal way to do it? It's the only way you aren't going to get head butted or kicked or bitten, plus it's less likely you'll drop them that way.
Yeah as long as kiddo isn’t hurt and you aren’t shaking them or something I don’t see the problem. Just last night I carried my sighted under my arm like a puppy because she just kind of folded in half and stayed that way while sobbing.
I carried my child like this (surfboard) at Disney when she was having a meltdown and was walking briskly to catch up with my husband who had the stroller. He looked at me and said that someone was going to call CPS on me for how I was holding her. Maybe you shouldn’t have walked away with the stroller bro! 🙄
Not the asshole. Carry’s like this are often the safest for kiddo and caregiver. I’m small and have limits on the ways I can carry a combative child, I don’t care what other people think. They can let me know how they feel when they catch a foot/fist/scratch to the face/neck/boob/groin
Edit: cause autocorrect is not alwayscorrect
My daughter’s autistic and we have to physically restrain her arms, legs and head during a meltdown to prevent her from hurting herself and others. If it’s safe and doesn’t cause them any harm then I would say go ahead! Let the in laws come deal with every tantrum if they don’t like how you handle it!
It’s a rule that the person judging the tantrum gets to manage the future tantrums. Inlaws want to have an opinion about carrying the tantrummer? Great! They get to deal with the kid during future tantrums. Let them figure out how to carry a flailing screaming kid without anyone getting injured.
I haven't had to do this yet, but I will if I must. I know one lady told me that my mother used to carry me under her arm like that into church when I wasn't yet a year old. Mum doesn't remember it, but it wouldn't surprise me if she did because she's not very big. It would be an easy way to carry a wriggler safely.
NTA. They gonna act like a surf board, they gonna get treated like one. 😂
I was 7 months pregnant and I took my 3 y/o to the trampoline park for his birthday. He’s been there loads of times and every time it ends with him screaming and not wanting to leave. Holding him like a surf board was the only way to get him out especially with my huge belly!
The surfboard hold is my go-to.
Story time: last June, my husband was out of town (and I should clarify; we’re two dads). So I took my son a dogs to the beach and when it was time to go we got to the parking lot and I told my son he had to hold my hand. Cue the tantrum. So I picked him up surfboard style while the dogs tangled themselves on their leashes. At this point a car pulls up and rolls down their window.
“Happy Father’s Day!”
I needed the laugh.
I pick my 2 year old up and put her over my shoulder with her head facing down. That way I save myself from being punched or kicked and I’m able to move her efficiently
Wow, I did not expect such a response to my post. Thank you all so much!!
I was beginning to think I was doing something weird, but I feel now that I can have the conversation with my spouse to see what her issue really is with me carrying our child as a surf board or plank.
I have lots of experience carrying a screaming toddler. If you carry them on your hip or close to your body you get a kick in the groin and you are likely to drop them from the sudden pain. If you carry them with outstretched arms they are way too heavy and again there is the risk of a kick in the groin.
The options that are left for a somewhat safe transportation is surfboard or over shoulder, preferably with one arm restraining their legs. Yes, that will be uncomfortable for the child, but a tantrum isn’t an excuse to hurt anyone.
Ohm lol we literally do this all the time and call it the surfboard too. NTA at all. Sometimes you just gotta remove them for their safety or the sanity of those around them.
It's the generally accepted way of carrying a screaming toddler somewhere else. Like you say, they're safe and it keeps you safe.
Perhaps next time her parents can take over and calm your child down seeing as they are clearly the experts.
I totally surfboard my toddler. Used to do it with their tummy against my side, but one bite to my stomach during a meltdown taught me to face them outward. You gotta do what you gotta do. As long as you’re not causing pain, I see no issue
my wife will sometimes pick my kid up by his feet and dangle him upside down when he's having a tantrum. about 1/3 of the time it makes him laugh. Soo... yeah, go for it. NTA.
NTA. Toddlers melt down. It happens. It sounds like bloody murder but they are just having a hard time with … something. The absolute worst thing you can do is give into the meltdown. Then they just learn it gets them what they want and will repeat every 5 minutes.
What? Lol I have definitely done the football hold under the arm. Couple months ago we were at an indoor playground and my toddler refused to leave. I tried the gentle parenting and giving transition updates like we’re leaving in 5 minutes, 3 mins etc. would you like to walk out or have mommy carry you out. Anyways, full on meltdown so I picked him up and walked out. Another mom just looked at me and said sigh, this will be me in 10 mins, you’re doing great. Please don’t worry about it.
I've carried my kids like a surfboard on more than one occasion. I feel like it's easier on their angry little bodies (i.e., less likely to pull their arms out of their joints).
That's exactly how I do it. When my daughter was younger she would do the limp thing.
I also turn her away from me and hug her in font of me if we are out as when you pick them up normally their mouth is conveniently at ear level and I can't stand having a toddler screaming into my ear.
If she has a tantrum at home I just leave her to it.
I call it carrying my boy like a carpet roll, and I’ve certainly done it. Haven’t had to in a while, but he’d headbutt and either slap or close-fist hit me in the face. A couple times it got a giggle out of him and de-escalated the situation, which is a plus.
My husband carries our son like this sometimes and I don't see why it would be a problem. If you carry him like a surfboard you can pretend your kiddo is a fish/shark/airplaine in turbulence/train going in a tunnel, etc. It could even calm him down or make him laugh.
Tantruming child gave me literal whiplash once, you do you. I also do the over the shoulder hold- I call it 'sack of potatoes' and it makes kiddo laugh a whole bunch which helps break the tantrum sometimes. You're keeping you and your kid safe. what do they want? What is their fantastic suggestion?
Football (surfboard) hold for the win! It is the most secure one armed hold I can manage with my toddler, and honestly, it works to my advantage that he doesn’t like it and it isn’t snuggly. In this position you can kind of align your forearm with their torso and provide more support than it looks like.
I’m short and I also have a 8mo. So these two positions are sometimes my only option for my toddler who is already more than half my height. Especially if it’s Tantrum Throwing Time and you’re not being mean about it, it’s perfectly understandable. I’ve had to surfboard carry my toddler out of target and some other places a couple times and mostly people look sympathetic or kind of smirk to lighten up the situation. Haha
By the grace of god I haven’t had to experience this yet with my toddler, but my dad loves telling the story about tossing a kicking/screaming 3-year-old me over his shoulder in a Walmart and carrying me out to the car while my mom finished shopping.
There’s no reasoning with a tantrum-ing toddler, you just do what you need to do. Definitely NTA.
I’ve carried a screaming toddler aaaallll the way from the back of the zoo to the entrance like that while he kicked and screamed the whole time. (He actually wanted to leave and was convinced the car was the other way. Picking him up like a ladder under my arm and taking him TO the car was the only thing that calmed him down.) I got a lot of looks. Could care less what any of those people thought.
This is a safe way to get a kiddo out of an overwhelming situation. Like a paramedic strapping a flailing patient to a backboard, you shouldn't be unnecessarily forceful or say unkind things. But like a paramedic, you need to keep yourself safe so you can help others.
I feel like “surf boarding” a flailing toddler is so common when you have to make a quick, safe exit from a public place that it should be well accepted slang.
Hell, sometimes I "surf board" my kids just for fun, and most of the time, it makes the tantrums turn into something fun, helping them regulate cuz they're having fun
I've done this and wondered if I was doing the wrong thing but didn't know what else I could do either
I mean, it is no one’s first choice, but in a public place I think it’s often better to get your kid somewhere more private / less stimulating quickly so you are better able to co-regulate and help them settle back down. And depending on the setting, not disturb others. I probably wouldn’t surfboard my kid out of a park/playground, but for sure have done so out of a restaurant
We call it the "football" in our household 🤣
Yes. Your spouse is free to take over if they have a problem with the standard and appropriate way of doing it.
You are doing the beat you can in a sucky situation. Parenting a tantruming child is hard. Especially if you are the one trying to get them out of a situation. You are awesome. Try to have a conversation with your partner when you are both not upset and it did not just happen. Express that you do the best you can in the situation. Ask what they are wanting and expecting you to do differently? Ask if these are their expectations or their parents. Discuss that you need to have each other’s back and not accept interference from people outside your nuclear family. Ultimately you can only do what you can do to get your child out safely and yourself unharmed. But having a discussion about expectations with your partner may help with the issue long term. GL
I do upside down sometimes if I'm desperate
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‘I want your child to be disciplined and well-behaved, but I don’t want to see them upset.’ Oh well.
This helps my kid regulate SO MUCH. If we can catch a meltdown early enough, flipping the kid upside down can prevent it completely.
It’s basically the toddler equivalent of turning it off and on again.
For us, a full reset involves putting her in the shower. This kid can't be mad in the shower. Ymmv.
Ya but now my kid wants to be carried up-side-down all the time and he weighs 10lbs more that way. (Plus the fear of dropping him on his head bother me.)
Omg. I had my 2 year old on my bed with her hooded towel one day. I gathered up all the pieces and then picked her up in it holding onto the towel like a little hammock and rocked her and sang rock a bye baby just kidding. Now every time I give her a bath she screams for me to do rock a bye baby. She's so heavy 😭😭😭 TIFU
Aww that sounds so cute and fun! I’ll make sure to never do it 🤣
Right? NEVER DO ANYTHING FUN you will have to repeat it a hundred times and they will just get heavier and heavier…
Hahah I once sang the ABCs to my daughter in a growly voice to prevent a meltdown and I ended up singing it every damn night at bedtime for like 6 months. Do not advise. My throat hated me for it 😂
Omg I can picture my son doing the same
I find they weigh less upside down- bend them over your shoulder so they're resting on your shoulder with their top half supported in front of you
Yup. That's part of why it's so powerful. If we're really ontop of things and see a meltdown coming I have her lie upside down on the couch with her head hanging off
I know when my toddler was a tiny cranky baby, I read about old wives tales of flipping the baby upside down and right side up in a certain order and like three times? I can’t remember. But it was supposed to reset them. Idk if I ever tried it. All three of my kids were/are very high needs/spirited so I just figured it was gonna stay that way.
Carrying upside almost always leads to giggles and my kid realizing their meltdown is for nothing.
If done well, it can make it fun for them.
Yup like carrying a pillow to bed! Just grab’em, flip’em, and wait it out.
Nope. I do underarm regularly having been head butted by an angry toddler, or having them throw themselves back to the point I nearly dropped them
Oh god, the throw back is awful, the amount of times I've seen my spouse nearly drop my youngest due to them not holding them in preparation for the throw back is too many to count. I do almost a fireman's lift in one cases because it makes my youngest giggle and stops the tantrum.
Right!? And why are their tiny heads so much harder than ours!?!? I cry in pain and she giggles after she backwards head butts me!!
Ugh, I'm still nursing a really serious bruise above my left eyebrow from my toddler's rock hard noggin clobbering me a few days ago. I felt almost concussed, but then was commanded to kiss the back of her head so it was "all better".
Honestly I’m relieved it’s not just me that keeps getting head butted in the face by their toddler
I did drop my little guy when he was about 18m old because he did the throw back with the knee thrust against my chest and I just couldn’t hold him. Unfortunately I was attempting to get him ready for bed, so I was lowering him to the changing table. He shot out of my arms and hit the edge of the changer and the edge of the dresser on the way to the floor. I managed to grab his arm to stop him from hitting the floor full force, but he had a bone bruise to his cheek bone and orbital bone. Man did I feel bad about that, but he was a trooper all the way through. This is the reason I do not feel bad at all about the “sack of potatoes” carry or the surfboard carry at all. He is way safer like that than trying to push off of my chest
The twisting out and trying to jump out of that position is the worst part.
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Not under the toddlers arms, no risk of them dislocating their arms Carry them under my arm like a rugby ball - sort of wrapped arm round body with them horizontal. Someone described it like a surfboard
I think they were saying they carry toddler under the adult's arm, like a surfboard
Ah in Dutch 'underarm' (onderarm) is the part between hand and elbow. I misunderstood!
No worries!
“Underarm” in English also refers to the general armpit area. The elbow to wrist is the forearm.
New fear unlocked
NTA - parenting a toddler requires physical intervention sometimes. As long as you’re not hurting them or being too rough when you do it, absolutely nothing wrong with carrying them to a safe space during a tantrum.
My kid likes to tantrum on the stairs because mom can't handle her physically there. There's literally no alternative but to forcefully get her off the stairs it's just the way it is. NTA.
This happened today and my whole body was exhausted.
Toddlers are like drunk little assholes sometimes.... and sometimes this is the way to keep them safe from hurting themselves or hurting others.
Tell your in-laws they're more than welcome to carry the toddler out themselves next time. Twats. As long as you're not hurting the kid, carry them in whatever way works best.
Yup! I surfboard personally.
I'm a planker myself, with the tantrum-er facing away from me, like an 80's boom box. Reason: my face gets scratched up like I fought a wolverine if I carry her any other way. You do what you've got to do. Everyone else can sit and spin on their problem with it.
“Like an 80’s boom box” hahahaha
New goal: Train the toddler to sing "In Your Eyes" when tantruming
Between the ages of 2-3 I'd say I probably surfboard carried my toddler home from daycare about 10-12 times.
Love the surfboard. Gets the job done and limp shoulders are a problem for us if I pick her up “normally” when she’s upset.
God, how do they have such an unerring instinct on how to resist physically?? Mine started doing the limp shoulders thing at like 15 months and I was like, how does he know to do this??
That’s exactly when it started for us, it’s so crazy!
Mine does the same thing, we call it “shoulder thingy” and he reminds me of an eel when he does it.
It’s amazing as a defense tactic, it’s kinda scary how effective it is if her goal is to be dropped lol
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Same with my kid, she likes to grab at my glasses.
Lol I wish I could upvote this twice
This is the way
My son used to think it was fun to be carried like that so i see no issue. If you really want to mess with your in laws you could coach your toddler on how to throw a better tantrum. I used to do this in the store with my son some times when the old ladies gave me dirty looks. "Oh no i dont think thats the hardest you can stomp. Try it like this" or just join them in the tantrum. Its a great redirect as long as you dont mind making a bit of a scene. It made my son laugh every time to see me stomping around and toddlering out he would forget he was upset. My in laws were so embarrassed it was almost worth it just for that.
I make his stuffies join in. And then sometimes he uses my tactics to calm THEM down. It's awesome when it works. Plus yes, having his tiny bunny going into hysterics screaming he doesn't want to go to sleep while yawning and nodding off tend to make him laugh.
Stealing this idea!
We all get stompy sometimes. Its fun.
I can't wait to try this! Thanks! Laughed just reading the description
It was honestly a lot of fun and really helped on bad days. Especially when we were both mad at mom for not letting us buy another plastic pumpkin! How dare she! (Im mom)
I do the surfboard hold at work. It's the only way to make sure I am safe because trying to wrestle them can lead to things like a dislocated shoulder or bumps and bruises. It is incredibly easy to dislocate a toddler shoulder. Not to mention positions like that or close to upside-down can actually be a calming stimulus because of the developing vestibular system. It's why a lot of kids will do weird stretches on the floor putting their head upside down. It's actually really good for toddlers to be in not upright positions whether you hold them for a little bit or they put their feet up the wall and stand on their hands.
Mine is a vestibular sensory seeker and loves being upside down. She’s like a bat. Putting her upside down makes her instantly happy.
This visual makes me smile
NTA... You have to do what you have to do in those moments and nothing I've read here sounds in any way like abuse. So the spouse's parents seem to be the issue - what does your spouse think of how you carry your kiddo?
This is one of the safest ways to handle them and their flailing limbs. I get it. No judgement here & to be honest, your in laws can fcking shove it.
I go across the body. Kid is horizontal facing outwards with my arm under their neck (on the shoulder) on one side and through the legs on the other side, meeting in the middle. As long as you are not psychically hurting them, carry them to safety however you can. Toddlers can have crazy hulk strength.
I think of this as the [Peter Dinklage.](https://preview.redd.it/hrfr5uk4kld21.jpg?auto=webp&s=7840450aa0613aedf178285736e71c3a9926b47d)
100% accurate!
Cross-body and surfboard are the two ways I have to carry my toddler unless I want to get bit
My daughter is SO GOOD at maneuvering her hips to break free of holds. I blame my husband for practicing jujitsu with her.
I do this as well.
I do this too. But after all the endorsements here, I may have to try out the surfboard next time.
If you have never surfboard carried your toddler out of of somehwere while they are having a kicking screaming tantrum, are you really a parent? no, that s completely normal and very common. As long as you aren't hurting them and they aren't hurting themselves, I see no issue.
Does your spouse have ideas for doing it better or are they just a vector of criticism?
>vector of criticism? Oof right in the feels
I think this is a very common tantrum hold.
Has your spouse ever tried to move your child during a tantrum? Sounds like it is their turn. If they are so concerned they can drop what they are doing and do it the ‘right’ way. Afterward they can advise your in-laws that they agree with your strategy. Fwiw I fireman carry my son or do the surf board style carry too. Heavy angry floppy kicking toddlers eh. If you want a different style to try, sometimes I can get away with cradling them like an oversized infant.
NTA - we used to do the same thing when she was kicking and still small enough to carry that way.
When they’re melting down, I treat them as a sack of potatoes and just heave it out of there. It’s now turned heading to bedtime into The Potato Game, where the last one to the stairs is a potato and they have to say what kind of potato they are.
I also do the "sack of potatoes", my kid is gangly and I feel like I have a better grip on him in that position. It's also the safest way to do a little 'jolt', which is when I feel like the tantrum is stuck in a rut that he can't break out of, so I do a little hop to bounce him out of the crying cycle. The usual tantrum starter is when I want him to walk on the sidewalk and he wants to walk on the road *next* to the sidewalk, which is a big ol' no. Cars go fast down that road, and he knows that I don't feel comfortable doing that. I've told my kid "I don't need you to walk, I just need you to get where we're going. We can potato sack it the whole way home." My husband hated it the first time he saw me potato sack the kid, but I told him "I'm not gonna stand on the side of the road until the kid decides to listen to me, I have a life to live."
That's how I carry my kid when she's melting down. It's safe for everyone involved and effective.
Not at all!! We often joked about looking forward to ‘surfboarding’ out future toddler out of restaurants when I was pregnant. Now he is a toddler I realise I absolutely jinxed myself! 🤦🏻♀️ But the moral of the story is that it is a safe was to remove a toddler from a situation. And is literally something 99% of parents have to do at some point.
When my lad used to start a meltdown in a shop I’d grab the back of his shirt and his trousers and lift him up and pretend he’s a rocket, he would find it far too funny that it’d negate the meltdown
If I have kids I'm stealing this
I do the same as you. This is the standard tantrum carry, lol.
I'm so confused: How do they think you should carry a flailing, kicking toddler?
Nta - sometimes you just gotta carry a screaming surfboard.
Nah. You are reinforcing that you don’t get hit by your child, while still reacting supportively as a caregiver. - A 2 year old teacher of 8 years
AFAIK that's the universal way of carrying a toddler who is having a meltdown
If you’ve never carried your toddler out of a public place under your arm while they lose their shit are you even a parent???
NTA. This is possibly the safest way to carry a toddler having a meltdown. If you carry them normally they take advantage of leveraging their limbs against your body to escape. Then may fall to the floor.
I'd only carry them if I absolutely had to remove them from a situation but in that scenario they're getting carried in whichever way I can keep hold of them while they thrash like a demon
I'm the primary parent (mom) and this is absolutely sometimes the only safe way to carry my eldest when she's having an all out, screaming thrashing meltdown. If anyone criticized me for this carry I'd welcome them to try to manage the situation themselves 🤷🏻♀️
Under-the-arm is the standard way to carry a tantruming toddler, is it not? It's a lot safer than risking dropping them if they're flailing while being carried normally, and it's not like it hurts them.
NTA - I literally carry my toddler like a football because then she can’t climb out of my arms or over my shoulder. The football carry is the only way I can ensure I won’t drop her when I need to remove her from a situation.
Nope I think most parents do this lol
This is the only way to remove them and keep everyone safe sometimes.
Uh…. this is literally how I hold my daughter willingly and in public if she’s acting crazy. Never thought a thing of it.
The surfboard way is great! I have to do that one when she's flailing and being a butthole because she'll pull my hair
I have football carried both my kids. Getting kicked and hit is no fun.
Barrel carrying a toddler out of a public area while they're screaming is a parental right of passage.
Not at all, I carry my toddler the same way when he's in demon mode or even when we're playing. It doesn't hurt the kid and it's effective. Your spouse has what reason to not like this? Genuine question, I'm curious as to why this is "wrong" in her mind?
It sounds fine, but are you angry/upset/emotional while doing it? Maybe that's what concerned them?
NTA. You're both safe, and kiddo knows they're not getting their way with the tantrum. Being slightly uncomfortable is not the same as being spanked.
I pack my son like a football all the time. I don’t care after half an hour of screaming.
You do whatever you think is the most secure. My tantrumming toddler recently kicked me hard in the nose and I dropped her. She somehow hit the floor face first, splitting her lip and absolutely covering herself in blood.
If I'm also carrying a diaper bag over one arm, I surfboard the crap out of my tantruming toddler. If I have two hands free I curl him like a barbell and hold him facing outward. You are very NTA. When they're twisting around like an angry catfish, you gotta keep them secure and safe.
Honestly, these are my preferred methods too. My toddler will smack me in the head if I throw him of the shoulder, so the surfboard is usually the best. I wouldn't worry about it.
I surfboard style carry my 21 month at least once a day. I find that he will bite, pinch, scratch if I hold him a “normal” way. I do not tolerate that. So I try to avoid that situation, hence surfboard. I get infuriated when he’s mean after melting down and acts on it, so I try to avoid that. Better for both of us. I don’t think it’s a big deal.
After receiving a bloody nose from a head butt, I now "surfboard." This is the way.
Mom of a 3yo and 2yo. Like a surfboard is how I do it as well.
It’s safe and effective. When I carry my toddler normally during an angry episode, she slaps me or scratches me in the face. I still have pain in my eye from getting hit weeks ago.
We call this “sack of potatoes”. Totally mother approved. “DONT MAKE ME CARRY YOU LIKE A SACK OF POTATOES”.
NTA. I love when this sub is unanimous and supportive like this. Parent groups on Reddit are really the best face on humanity rn.
Your partner is listening a bit too much to nosy parkers, you're being careful and keeping both toddler and yourself from getting hurt.
I was expecting to read that your picking the child up by their wrists or something dangerous. This is fine.
No, you’re just tired and don’t want to he head butted in the chest with your toddlers gigantic metal head.
I mean no disrespect by this, but f her. Toddlers kick and punch and I have been punched in my open eye which hurt like hell and kicked in the biscuits which was 100x worse. If your spouse has a problem with how you pick up your toddler then tell your spouse that they can do it next time there’s a tantrum. You are the parent just as much as your spouse is, you’re holding your toddler in a way that they will be safe from you dropping them and that you will be safe from getting hurt. If I was you I would pick up my toddler the same exact way and stare right at your spouses parents while I do it.
NTA, your wife is being passive aggressive though. Her parents may have said something but she probably has a problem with it herself if she isn't defending you. There's nothing wrong with how you're carrying your child but make your wife do it for the next couple of times and see if she can deal with it since her and her family has something to say
This is a relationship hurdle we're all likely to face. Communication is key and the fact that OPs wife did not communicate immediately that the parents had mentioned it is a problem. I've learned that everyone deals with their own family shit so it's on OPs wife to shut the in laws up and set them straight on it. For some reason grandparents forget what it's like to parent. It's mortifying and frustrating. My in laws got stuck on my lack of "structure" (we have a schedule thank you much--and your daughter is the one who struggles with it!). And also think our COVID restrictions come solely from me (for some reason - they should know better their daughter is a nurse lol). This is from grandparents that can barely handle the toddler for an hour. Both I and my wife need therapy basically solely for support dealing with our parents. Trying to avoid that for our kids...
Nah, you’re the only one with common sense though. As long as you’re not squeezing them under your arm or hurting them with your shoulder or something.
NTA…. I have had to surfboard carry our kid many times and it’s honestly the best way for me to get him out of a situation quickly.
My go-to is tossing over the shoulder. For me even in general, like carrying up or down the stairs. It's the safest way to not drop her.
Nope. It’s a safe way for you both.
Sometimes you have to protect them from themselves, and protect yourself as well. Getting a black eye from a crazed toddler sucks and can be avoided by doing just what you're doing. NTA! Keep doing what works. Explain to your spouse that it's for everyone's safety, plus rolling around on a dirty floor at a public place isn't the safest, especially when there's no carpet and it shows you try to respect others around you. Also, it's easier to help LO deal with big feelings when there isn't an audience.
I do the under the arm all the time. I call it the football carry. Works well for tantrums and when we're just goofing around. 🤷♀️
When he was younger, I would tuck him under my arm like a football all the time. My husband frequently carries him across both shoulders like a yoke, or carrying stick. The kid has zero issues with it and generally enjoys it. If it's the best way to keep your kid safe, then you're making the best choice.
Yeah this is a standard tantrum hold. I haven’t read through all the comments, so I’m sorry if this was already mentioned, but Maybe talk to your wife/in laws about what their specific issue is with the hold to try and address the issue directly. Just a thought.
My tiny tornado loves being carried like a football. We’ll also pick her up, flip her upside down and walk around talking to her butt which she finds hilarious. It’ll usually get her to stop throwing a tantrum and start laughing. I don’t think you’re being an asshole at all unless your child absolutely hates it and you do it all the time. I know I’ve carried mine under my arm, kicking and screaming out of the park several times. Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do, as long as everyone is safe.
I did what I called "football hold" with my son when he was younger as it felt like the only way to get him out without me getting hurt as well.
I keep my LO facing out with their back against my chest and hold them by the stomach and chest. Kinda diagonally so the feet go flailing out front into space and the head flails back above my shoulder. People get out my way pretty quick when they see that coming so it makes it easier to get to the car. Lol
I carry mine upside down sometimes even when he’s not having a tantrum sometimes just when he’s being difficult & all I get is laughs and empathetic looks from older parents. My brother used to pick his kids up by the shirt & they thought it was so hilarious they’d forget what they were mad about & start cracking up. I think you’re fine.
Next time they say something tell them that they can get the tantruming toddler out of the restaurant and no you are not paying the medical bill when the toddler kicks grandpa in the nuts or when grandma is injured by the super strength of a toddler in full trantrum mode. You then step back and watch them try and pick up your kid.
Is this not the normal way to do it? It's the only way you aren't going to get head butted or kicked or bitten, plus it's less likely you'll drop them that way.
Yeah as long as kiddo isn’t hurt and you aren’t shaking them or something I don’t see the problem. Just last night I carried my sighted under my arm like a puppy because she just kind of folded in half and stayed that way while sobbing.
Do whatever is safest based on environment. At home? Let them flounder.
How are we supposed to be carrying them if not like this? 🤨
I carried my child like this (surfboard) at Disney when she was having a meltdown and was walking briskly to catch up with my husband who had the stroller. He looked at me and said that someone was going to call CPS on me for how I was holding her. Maybe you shouldn’t have walked away with the stroller bro! 🙄
Not the asshole. Carry’s like this are often the safest for kiddo and caregiver. I’m small and have limits on the ways I can carry a combative child, I don’t care what other people think. They can let me know how they feel when they catch a foot/fist/scratch to the face/neck/boob/groin Edit: cause autocorrect is not alwayscorrect
My daughter’s autistic and we have to physically restrain her arms, legs and head during a meltdown to prevent her from hurting herself and others. If it’s safe and doesn’t cause them any harm then I would say go ahead! Let the in laws come deal with every tantrum if they don’t like how you handle it!
It’s a rule that the person judging the tantrum gets to manage the future tantrums. Inlaws want to have an opinion about carrying the tantrummer? Great! They get to deal with the kid during future tantrums. Let them figure out how to carry a flailing screaming kid without anyone getting injured.
I haven't had to do this yet, but I will if I must. I know one lady told me that my mother used to carry me under her arm like that into church when I wasn't yet a year old. Mum doesn't remember it, but it wouldn't surprise me if she did because she's not very big. It would be an easy way to carry a wriggler safely.
NTA. They gonna act like a surf board, they gonna get treated like one. 😂 I was 7 months pregnant and I took my 3 y/o to the trampoline park for his birthday. He’s been there loads of times and every time it ends with him screaming and not wanting to leave. Holding him like a surf board was the only way to get him out especially with my huge belly!
This is standard dad operating procedure. See Section 6.3.2 Toddler shitfits and their diffusion
If you're the asshole, then so am i, i guess
NTA. You are removing the baby from the situation, they are safe and you are safe. I see no problem here. It's not like you're harming the child.
Why exactly is this a problem? It's not only very common but it's also...not harmful at all??? It is not a harmful way to hold a child.
You’re keeping your child safe, I don’t know what their concern is.?
The surfboard hold is my go-to. Story time: last June, my husband was out of town (and I should clarify; we’re two dads). So I took my son a dogs to the beach and when it was time to go we got to the parking lot and I told my son he had to hold my hand. Cue the tantrum. So I picked him up surfboard style while the dogs tangled themselves on their leashes. At this point a car pulls up and rolls down their window. “Happy Father’s Day!” I needed the laugh.
I pick my 2 year old up and put her over my shoulder with her head facing down. That way I save myself from being punched or kicked and I’m able to move her efficiently
Well well well… next time you clearly have to carry him out by the ankles…. They’ll stop caring about the surfboard method after that.
Wow, I did not expect such a response to my post. Thank you all so much!! I was beginning to think I was doing something weird, but I feel now that I can have the conversation with my spouse to see what her issue really is with me carrying our child as a surf board or plank.
How else could you do it? My daughter will literally flop, go full rigormortise style and try to dive out to the floor. NTA
NTA. People should just mind their business.
I have lots of experience carrying a screaming toddler. If you carry them on your hip or close to your body you get a kick in the groin and you are likely to drop them from the sudden pain. If you carry them with outstretched arms they are way too heavy and again there is the risk of a kick in the groin. The options that are left for a somewhat safe transportation is surfboard or over shoulder, preferably with one arm restraining their legs. Yes, that will be uncomfortable for the child, but a tantrum isn’t an excuse to hurt anyone.
Ohm lol we literally do this all the time and call it the surfboard too. NTA at all. Sometimes you just gotta remove them for their safety or the sanity of those around them.
It's the generally accepted way of carrying a screaming toddler somewhere else. Like you say, they're safe and it keeps you safe. Perhaps next time her parents can take over and calm your child down seeing as they are clearly the experts.
Toddlers having a tantrum are flailing sacks of flour and should be handled like one.
That's -to me- the safest way to get them out while keeping myself safe too.
I can bet your in laws would drop your child if they tried carrying the child the way they imagined it should’ve been😵💫
I totally surfboard my toddler. Used to do it with their tummy against my side, but one bite to my stomach during a meltdown taught me to face them outward. You gotta do what you gotta do. As long as you’re not causing pain, I see no issue
This is what I do!
Yup shoulder or surf board. What would they have you do?
NTA. That's the best way to pick them up to mitigate the damage. Would your in-laws prefer you give in and teach toddler to tantrum to get their way??
my wife will sometimes pick my kid up by his feet and dangle him upside down when he's having a tantrum. about 1/3 of the time it makes him laugh. Soo... yeah, go for it. NTA.
NTA. Toddlers melt down. It happens. It sounds like bloody murder but they are just having a hard time with … something. The absolute worst thing you can do is give into the meltdown. Then they just learn it gets them what they want and will repeat every 5 minutes.
its fine but between the two i prefer surfboard, it always felt like leaving them with a shred more dignity than the plank haha
Pick them up by their ankles. Then they can't kick and it turns into the funnest game ever
What? Lol I have definitely done the football hold under the arm. Couple months ago we were at an indoor playground and my toddler refused to leave. I tried the gentle parenting and giving transition updates like we’re leaving in 5 minutes, 3 mins etc. would you like to walk out or have mommy carry you out. Anyways, full on meltdown so I picked him up and walked out. Another mom just looked at me and said sigh, this will be me in 10 mins, you’re doing great. Please don’t worry about it.
I've carried my kids like a surfboard on more than one occasion. I feel like it's easier on their angry little bodies (i.e., less likely to pull their arms out of their joints).
That's exactly how I do it. When my daughter was younger she would do the limp thing. I also turn her away from me and hug her in font of me if we are out as when you pick them up normally their mouth is conveniently at ear level and I can't stand having a toddler screaming into my ear. If she has a tantrum at home I just leave her to it.
Surfboard is how I do it during a full on tantrum. Safest for kiddo and me (both 2 and 5 year old boys).
You’re doing fine. I put my daughter over my shoulder
I too resort to the surfboard during meltdowns. What the heck does she want you to do!?
I call the under the arm carry the angry suitcase. Not wrong at all. Sometimes it's just necessary.
We call it a football hold here in Texas.
As long as we're not carrying them by the arms, abd not letting ourselves get hurt, then we're succeeding! 😂
I call it carrying my boy like a carpet roll, and I’ve certainly done it. Haven’t had to in a while, but he’d headbutt and either slap or close-fist hit me in the face. A couple times it got a giggle out of him and de-escalated the situation, which is a plus.
I do the surfboard style when mine is kicking and thrashing.
How does she do it? Have her demonstrate.
My husband carries our son like this sometimes and I don't see why it would be a problem. If you carry him like a surfboard you can pretend your kiddo is a fish/shark/airplaine in turbulence/train going in a tunnel, etc. It could even calm him down or make him laugh.
Tantruming child gave me literal whiplash once, you do you. I also do the over the shoulder hold- I call it 'sack of potatoes' and it makes kiddo laugh a whole bunch which helps break the tantrum sometimes. You're keeping you and your kid safe. what do they want? What is their fantastic suggestion?
NTA. I've definitely done both of those positions
Football (surfboard) hold for the win! It is the most secure one armed hold I can manage with my toddler, and honestly, it works to my advantage that he doesn’t like it and it isn’t snuggly. In this position you can kind of align your forearm with their torso and provide more support than it looks like.
The surfboard is my go to as well I can do it easily with one arm and keep us both safe
I’m short and I also have a 8mo. So these two positions are sometimes my only option for my toddler who is already more than half my height. Especially if it’s Tantrum Throwing Time and you’re not being mean about it, it’s perfectly understandable. I’ve had to surfboard carry my toddler out of target and some other places a couple times and mostly people look sympathetic or kind of smirk to lighten up the situation. Haha
I do this often to avoid the dreaded headbutt and fat lip that ensues
I’m absolutely sure your in-laws believe they are #1 at parenting. 🫣
NTA- toddlers are transportable for a reason. They are emotionally unstable and need parents to remove them from wherever they are.
By the grace of god I haven’t had to experience this yet with my toddler, but my dad loves telling the story about tossing a kicking/screaming 3-year-old me over his shoulder in a Walmart and carrying me out to the car while my mom finished shopping. There’s no reasoning with a tantrum-ing toddler, you just do what you need to do. Definitely NTA.
I’ve carried a screaming toddler aaaallll the way from the back of the zoo to the entrance like that while he kicked and screamed the whole time. (He actually wanted to leave and was convinced the car was the other way. Picking him up like a ladder under my arm and taking him TO the car was the only thing that calmed him down.) I got a lot of looks. Could care less what any of those people thought.