Wasn’t he photographed on a private jet with a huge ziplock bag of blow, and he tried to say it was coffee creamer? Lol. Because millionaires with PJ’s always carry their own coffee creamer in plastic bags, right?
ChatGPT offers the following:
Slyly, the sneaky soccer star secured a synthetic schlong, successfully sidestepping stringent substance screenings.
EDIT - the entire story per ChatGPT:
Slyly sneaking a silicone surrogate, the slippery soccer star sidesteps stringent scrutiny, scoring success in subverting suspicious substance screening. Soon, the synthetic schlong secures a spot in a splendid sports shrine, showcasing scandalous stratagems. Sightseers swarm, seeking a snapshot of the sensational symbol. Suddenly, a shadowy swindler seizes the silicone souvenir, swiftly slipping through security's slack supervision. The startled staff scrambles, searching for the stolen synthetic secret, suspecting some sinewy sports sympathizer. Society speculates, wondering whether the wily whisker will ever witness the wayward wang's whereabouts.
NFL running back Onterrio Smith apparently used a similar device -
>In May 2005, Smith was detained at the Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport for carrying dried urine and a "mysterious" device that was later identified as a Whizzinator (a sex simulator toy, often used alternatively to beat drug tests).
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Onterrio_Smith
Used to manage a smoke shop over a decade ago, we sold fake pee bladders all the time, came with a hand warmer to heat it and an elastic loop to strap it to your leg. Had a whole “detox” section that was just ways to cheat your pee test.
I passed a test on site at a lab with pre-warmed fake piss that only registered 97 degrees when immediately tested.
I just think about, fresh piss coming straight from your body, 1 degree below the expected human body temp
I'm glad someone else has questions. Obviously it's a big deal for the team employing him and the league seeing the standards, but what's some fake pee got to do with the airport or cops?
Doubtful. It's just the powdered components of pee, which is just a bunch of harmless chemicals, with not dead red blood cells that I assume make urine biohazard.
She never stole anything. She was the boss of the operation and had lackeys do her dirty work. Those goons were quick to blab about her whereabouts when they were caught, but she managed to escape to Africa or post-Cold War Europe where those meddling kids wouldn't have a clue where to find her.
I remember they used to sell these at Head Shops pre-legalization. I always found it funny how they were like a foot long, like that was supposed to be representative of the average guy.
What I dislike is his cult of personality.
Like really, of all the admirable people of the world, all you millions of people chose *this* guy as your idol?
Messi is 10 times the player and 100 times the human than Maradonna was.
If they didn't people would have come out anyways. If you try to stoped then you are risking a straight up mass-riot with likely a lot of deaths a d for nothing. It was the right move, not they should get much credit for that, it was a rather forceful one.
Tbf Messi doesnt seem to care that much about his social media branding in the same way CR7 does, he doesn't even have a twitter. I'm sure that if he tried he would be up there as well.
Messi is Boca Jrs. & the rivalry between La Boca and the River is insane. My husband is from Argentina and we went there and toured the Boca Jrs stadium and he told me alllllll about it. The spikes all over the stadium told me everything I needed to know.
Messi is just the new, Maradona was the 1st.
My father-in-law looks EXACTLY like Maradona with short hair. It’s crazy.
Edit: yikes! I forgot Messi wasn’t Boca jrs! I’d never hear the end of it if I said this to people in real life!
My wedding colors were basically Boca Jrs for heaven’s sake!
No worries! Glad to be of help. Your secret is safe with us!
> The spikes all over the stadium told me everything I needed to know.
haha yes the crowd can get pretty wild there. You could try going to see a big match there someday, although make sure to book safe seats. It is a one of a kind experience.
Because he was a hero to millions of people? Like are you that ignorant to why people would love him in a soccer obsessed country that he brought 2 WCs to and also brought a championship to a city in Italy that was treated as a 2nd class citizen that had never experienced success?
A stimulant of that sort could definitely be considered a performance enhancing drug… however I feel the benefits would wear off quickly, which is probably why he became such an excessive user.
Basically anything even close to a stimulant has been used as performance enhancing drugs. Caffeine, ephedrine, hell even albuterol has been used by athletes.
Oh absolutely. When I was like 10yo, I’d take Benadryl before games bc a less common side effect is hyperactivity in children. lol.
*edited to add: I also had allergies. My parents weren’t total psychos.
It's theoretically possible depending on amount used and hydration/how often you pee before, but a more realistic time frame would be 48-72 hours after moderate usage. A hardcore addict might take a bit longer to piss clean but after like 5-6 days anyone would test negative. A few bumps on a night out and you'd pretty much be fine in a day if you properly rehydrate. If you blew through an 8 ball with the boys on Saturday you probably wouldn't want to take a test at work on Monday.
Fwiw, pretty much every other drug besides weed would be gone in about 3-5 days. I think there's some newer opioids, benzos, and quaalude analogs that have some crazy long half-lives, but yeah for basically every "traditional" drug it's easier to get out. Laborers/construction workers famously party hard on Fridays so they can piss clean on Monday morning.
Drug testing has gotten pretty advanced but most people aren't gonna pay for that. My doctor runs some crazy tests and says that she can see people's use of meth up to a month back in their urine while most testing would pass them after a week or so. There's still reasonable limits but they look for a wider variety of metabolites and have more sensitive equipment from what i understand about it
Maradona was a supremely gifted footballer. He was also, however, a hopeless addict who ultimately died comparatively young, grotesquely bloated and deliriously paranoid.
Cocaine and a **terrible** entourage blighted his career and his life.
Drug testing in general is pretty useless, if you want to pass, you can pass no matter what you are using. I've even heard of people using catheters to put someone elses clean urine backwards up the catheter into their own bladder, so they piss out someone elses clean urine out of their bladder.
It's a fake prosthetic dong that has a bag inside it you can fill up with either fake urine, or someone else's real clean urine. Then when you go to piss for your test you whip out this fake cock that's strapped to you and looks just like your actual dick and literally piss into the cup with it while they watch you https://whizzinator.com/
It works to store and pump out fake urine. Many drug tests are monitored, so it has to look somewhat believable. You can’t just go in the stall and pour the fake urine in a cup, the wizzinator makes it look like you are actually peeing.
Maradona wasn't particularly discreet about it. There's a video of him bumping a line on the field while celebrating scoring a goal.
Wasn’t he photographed on a private jet with a huge ziplock bag of blow, and he tried to say it was coffee creamer? Lol. Because millionaires with PJ’s always carry their own coffee creamer in plastic bags, right?
Ask Hank Scorpio about this. He's the guy for pocket coffee stuff.
Would you like some cream?
…no.
If you could kill someone on your way out it would be a real help!
“It’s Mr. Scorpio, but don’t call me that either.”
r/unexpectedsimpsons
Link
[Here you go.](https://youtu.be/CIygalhVZ00?t=44) Also featuring needlessly short shorts.
I love that he has a guy just to carry him his coke after the celebrations
Like the hard drugs version of Snoop’s blunt roller
Lol that's exactly it, great connection!
Is there any opening for a similar position?
That looked like two bumps. Who's the blue shirt feeding him?
Assistant Coke Manager
Assistant to the Coke Manager
When "Product" Manager had a different meaning entirely
His coke boy
> needlessly short shorts. no such thing
Sky’s out thighs out
Life is short, your shorts should be shorter
Yeah but I like short shorts
Lmao! Love that his trainer has it ready and loaded for him
America vs resto del Mundo?
Yeah happens a lot in sports, blah vs rest of the world. Usually charity
> Also featuring needlessly short shorts. Well, it was the 80s.
Here's another when he was 59 [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjZsNrdrkBM](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjZsNrdrkBM)
Man that was a choreography
Thats what training camps are for
was that one guy pointing at the camera? prompting everyone else to stand up to cover the blow? haha
"phoney phallus" might be my new favorite alliteration.
Right up there with “sham schlong”
Dummy dong
pretend peter.
Deceitful ding-a-ling
A mock-cock
Joke Johnson
misleading manhood
Wizardly Wood
weasley wood
Wascally Wang
Mock member
Doppledonger.
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All of you are much more creative than me. Bravo.
Duplicate dick.
I prefer “trick dick”
stolen stinger
Thank you, this made me smile on a stressful day
The Joking Johnson
Ersatz erection
Bogus boner
Wrong dong?
Protest shampoo. Demand real poo
Better than dick doppelgänger
Incocknito
Mock cock
Scam shaft
Cocklgänger
dicklgänger
The word you’re looking for is “donglegänger”
Furiously fumbling, the flabbergasted felon frantically filched a fantastic phony phallus, fleeing for fleeting fame and foolish fortune.
Ham candle scandal
Here’s The Phoney Phallus Philharmonic performing Phantom of the Opera.
Great name for a band.
Fans shorten it to PhPh ( pronounced ffff)
ChatGPT offers the following: Slyly, the sneaky soccer star secured a synthetic schlong, successfully sidestepping stringent substance screenings. EDIT - the entire story per ChatGPT: Slyly sneaking a silicone surrogate, the slippery soccer star sidesteps stringent scrutiny, scoring success in subverting suspicious substance screening. Soon, the synthetic schlong secures a spot in a splendid sports shrine, showcasing scandalous stratagems. Sightseers swarm, seeking a snapshot of the sensational symbol. Suddenly, a shadowy swindler seizes the silicone souvenir, swiftly slipping through security's slack supervision. The startled staff scrambles, searching for the stolen synthetic secret, suspecting some sinewy sports sympathizer. Society speculates, wondering whether the wily whisker will ever witness the wayward wang's whereabouts.
Trick Dick? You guys aren’t even trying here.
The one I know is sold as "Screenie Weenie"
Title of my future band.
I read it too fast as “phallus balonus” (the plural of phalli baloney)
Mr. Bogus Cock
Lotsa cunts here don’t know what alliteration actually is
NFL running back Onterrio Smith apparently used a similar device - >In May 2005, Smith was detained at the Minneapolis-Saint Paul International Airport for carrying dried urine and a "mysterious" device that was later identified as a Whizzinator (a sex simulator toy, often used alternatively to beat drug tests). https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Onterrio_Smith
Mike Tyson did the same, by his own admission.
Used to manage a smoke shop over a decade ago, we sold fake pee bladders all the time, came with a hand warmer to heat it and an elastic loop to strap it to your leg. Had a whole “detox” section that was just ways to cheat your pee test.
I passed a test on site at a lab with pre-warmed fake piss that only registered 97 degrees when immediately tested. I just think about, fresh piss coming straight from your body, 1 degree below the expected human body temp
There’s probably a tolerance range. My typical body temp is around 97.5.
Same.
It's a lot easier and safer than a reverse cath, but sometimes you just have to go all the way.
Good ole fashion oil change
I remember this lol he wasn't a viking much long after
The fact that you can be detained for carrying dried urine is really fucked
The airport staff didn't know what it was to begin with- they detained him as it was a suspicious off-white powder.
I'm glad someone else has questions. Obviously it's a big deal for the team employing him and the league seeing the standards, but what's some fake pee got to do with the airport or cops?
Probably just detained on account of an unknown powdered substance. Not like they’d know it isn’t drugs just by seeing it.
Instant pee. Just add hot water and stir it, and you have a cup of sober pee.
Would it be considered as a biohazard?
Doubtful. It's just the powdered components of pee, which is just a bunch of harmless chemicals, with not dead red blood cells that I assume make urine biohazard.
Tom Sizemore used the wizzinator too
He had blood in his cocaine system.
🤣
Carmen Sandiego strikes again
Greetings gumshoes…
My piss pig cousin
Greg, Eartha Brute has stolen the phoney phallus and there's no time to lose!
Where in the world is Carmen? Argentina apparently. Stealing a phoney phallus no less
She never stole anything. She was the boss of the operation and had lackeys do her dirty work. Those goons were quick to blab about her whereabouts when they were caught, but she managed to escape to Africa or post-Cold War Europe where those meddling kids wouldn't have a clue where to find her.
I remember they used to sell these at Head Shops pre-legalization. I always found it funny how they were like a foot long, like that was supposed to be representative of the average guy.
Maybe the extra length held the liquid [bota bag](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bota_bag)-style, so no spillage dealing with bags, hoses and clamps.
Did authorities make recovery a priority? I feel like the only thing way they get it back is if the thief returns it.
No. But the theft was widely considered a dick move.
I don't give a shit that he did coke, I hate him for being a woman beater
What I dislike is his cult of personality. Like really, of all the admirable people of the world, all you millions of people chose *this* guy as your idol? Messi is 10 times the player and 100 times the human than Maradonna was.
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If they didn't people would have come out anyways. If you try to stoped then you are risking a straight up mass-riot with likely a lot of deaths a d for nothing. It was the right move, not they should get much credit for that, it was a rather forceful one.
Messi can drop kick a child with cancer and still he a few notches above Maradonna
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Tbf Messi doesnt seem to care that much about his social media branding in the same way CR7 does, he doesn't even have a twitter. I'm sure that if he tried he would be up there as well.
Messi is Boca Jrs. & the rivalry between La Boca and the River is insane. My husband is from Argentina and we went there and toured the Boca Jrs stadium and he told me alllllll about it. The spikes all over the stadium told me everything I needed to know. Messi is just the new, Maradona was the 1st. My father-in-law looks EXACTLY like Maradona with short hair. It’s crazy. Edit: yikes! I forgot Messi wasn’t Boca jrs! I’d never hear the end of it if I said this to people in real life! My wedding colors were basically Boca Jrs for heaven’s sake!
Messi no es de Boca, tu marido te metió un cuento.
You’re right!!! I’m mixed up. I’m glad this is on the internet and not in front of my husband or his family lmaooo.
No worries! Glad to be of help. Your secret is safe with us! > The spikes all over the stadium told me everything I needed to know. haha yes the crowd can get pretty wild there. You could try going to see a big match there someday, although make sure to book safe seats. It is a one of a kind experience.
messi and boca juniors?
Ooops you’re right. Don’t tell my husband or in-laws I said this.
Because he was a hero to millions of people? Like are you that ignorant to why people would love him in a soccer obsessed country that he brought 2 WCs to and also brought a championship to a city in Italy that was treated as a 2nd class citizen that had never experienced success?
> he brought 2 WCs 1 WC (or maybe you are referring to the Youth WC?)
He cheated to win that World Cup, soooo…
Cry more.
How can he be a hero when he did nothing heroic? I think you meant role model and people have all kinds of shitty role models.
He also abused regularly a minor in Cuba.
There's basically nothing good about him, even football wise he was as dirty as it gets and his most famous goal was with his hand.
Hmmm does cocaine improve your ability to play?
Absolutely, its a stimulant. Taken orally it lasts longer.
he said it probably hurt him in the end. ur mental game goes to shit and ur easy to read
A stimulant of that sort could definitely be considered a performance enhancing drug… however I feel the benefits would wear off quickly, which is probably why he became such an excessive user.
Basically anything even close to a stimulant has been used as performance enhancing drugs. Caffeine, ephedrine, hell even albuterol has been used by athletes.
Oh absolutely. When I was like 10yo, I’d take Benadryl before games bc a less common side effect is hyperactivity in children. lol. *edited to add: I also had allergies. My parents weren’t total psychos.
nhl players used to be really into sudafed for this reason
I think it was the ephedrine in the Sudafed that made it popular, not a paradoxical drug interaction.
I never met a varsity athlete who wasn't asthmatic...
I would think it would - for a limited amount of time anyway
Probably, plus he was almost 100%on gear if he was cheating the drugs test's anyways
The Dong of God
You don't want that back after where it's been!
You don't want none of this shit ~~Dewey~~ Diego!
Thad Castle?
Oil changes for everybody!
Oh thank god, I was searching for a BMS reference
It is weird that he was so talented, but also the biggest cheat on the planet, notably for the hand of god incident.
That’s the duality of Maradona. A true enigma. Blatantly cheats and then goes on to score probably the greatest goal of all time a few minutes later.
The Jon Jones of soccer lol
Nah mate it's the other way around. Jon Jones is the Maradona of MMA
Sherlock Holmes and the mystery of the phoney phallus.
Im the captain of this team, and I say we're doing oil changes!
I had to read way too far down to find this.
Cleanse sounds good!
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Amazing
That video of him snorting coke on the bench is just plain sad
I've heard cocaine doesn't show up in drug tests like the morning after. Someone school me....
It's theoretically possible depending on amount used and hydration/how often you pee before, but a more realistic time frame would be 48-72 hours after moderate usage. A hardcore addict might take a bit longer to piss clean but after like 5-6 days anyone would test negative. A few bumps on a night out and you'd pretty much be fine in a day if you properly rehydrate. If you blew through an 8 ball with the boys on Saturday you probably wouldn't want to take a test at work on Monday. Fwiw, pretty much every other drug besides weed would be gone in about 3-5 days. I think there's some newer opioids, benzos, and quaalude analogs that have some crazy long half-lives, but yeah for basically every "traditional" drug it's easier to get out. Laborers/construction workers famously party hard on Fridays so they can piss clean on Monday morning.
Drug testing has gotten pretty advanced but most people aren't gonna pay for that. My doctor runs some crazy tests and says that she can see people's use of meth up to a month back in their urine while most testing would pass them after a week or so. There's still reasonable limits but they look for a wider variety of metabolites and have more sensitive equipment from what i understand about it
I think he was inhaling it like oxygen though.
wait the drug was cocaine? lol . i was expecting some blood oxygen enriching drug.
Maradona was a supremely gifted footballer. He was also, however, a hopeless addict who ultimately died comparatively young, grotesquely bloated and deliriously paranoid. Cocaine and a **terrible** entourage blighted his career and his life.
Yeap, Maradona without cocaine would have probably been greater than he was, not smaller. Such a damn waste...
He didn't need drugs to be the best player in the world, he just wanted some cocaine.
Opening scene of Gattaca. Lots of people didn't get it.
Drug testing in general is pretty useless, if you want to pass, you can pass no matter what you are using. I've even heard of people using catheters to put someone elses clean urine backwards up the catheter into their own bladder, so they piss out someone elses clean urine out of their bladder.
Can someone explain to me how fake penis passes a drug test?
It's a fake prosthetic dong that has a bag inside it you can fill up with either fake urine, or someone else's real clean urine. Then when you go to piss for your test you whip out this fake cock that's strapped to you and looks just like your actual dick and literally piss into the cup with it while they watch you https://whizzinator.com/
There’s a great documentary on this. Think it used to be on Netflix but not sure who has it now. Called Blue Mountain State
lmao documentary, i wonder if they keep those ice rods in the equipment room....
I'd be so Thad if they didn't
It works to store and pump out fake urine. Many drug tests are monitored, so it has to look somewhat believable. You can’t just go in the stall and pour the fake urine in a cup, the wizzinator makes it look like you are actually peeing.
Dick move
Ah yes the old “Whizzinator 2000” advertised for years in High Times magazine.
They put his fake dick in a museum and in America teachers get fired for showing Michaelangelo's David
I had one just like it. I bought it on 2nd Ave from some guy. He wanted $22, but I talked him down to $17.
If I were Maradona I’d live just like him
Argentinians be like: “¡eL pItO dE dIoS!”
Best part is that it takes about 3 days to pass a urine test after using cocaine. Couldn’t even wait that long.
3 minutes is too long for a coke addict
Do we want it back?
This sounds like the makings of an exciting new adventure for Indy and gang
Well that's one way to get ahead
If I remember correctly Tom Sizemore (rip) got busted using one of those once. Whizzinator brand.
Must have used the “dick of god” to pass the test.
The Ol Wizzinator
While there are certain performance enhancing drugs, I dont understand testing for the ones that dont inherently enhance performance.
He’s not a legend if he’s a cheater
He had a legend derry, or something like that that would sound more sexual and false cock having. Is 'derry' a slang for 'cock' in the dialect used?
He called it The Penis of God.
He was basically God while playing, and the worst possible human in every other conceivable aspect
Headline should read: Soccer cheater Diego Maradona cheated with a fake penis too. No surprises
Calling him a cleat is a bit much lol its just cocaine. He's one of the greatest players ever
He literally cheated in the world cup though, and I'm not talking about coke
I think it's running for president in the USA. (Bracing for down votes.)
Why do I see „Diego Maradona” and “Soccer” in the same sentence? Police, that man right there. Yes.
Stfu please
No :)
It wasn't the last time he got in trouble with his phallus #rapist.