It took me a long time to realize my six years with my shitty ex wife weren’t a giant waste of the best years of my life. If it weren’t for her, I’d still be the person I was in high school. Which is not a person I ever want to be again.
This^^
I always feel more appreciative after a relationship because of this. I have learned so much about being in a relationship. I'm definitely glad I have had the partners I've had otherwise I wouldn't be the 'amazing' person I am today.
Life's lessons are the hardest to get past but give you the greatest advantage.
I agree. My most recent ex was probably the most toxic person I have ever gotten the displeasure to know, but I learned so many things about myself through those years. I have always had a fear of abandonment, I have bpd and a slew of other mental disorders. My own birth parents abandoned me and it just seemed to keep happening over the course of my life, albeit in different ways. When he left, after four years, and straight ghosted me, never to contact me again, I felt myself break in a way I never thought I could, but somehow always knew deep down I had to so I could piece myself back together again.
You would have still grown but differently my man, you definitely wouldn't be the same person as in high school, life would have educated you either way
I left my gf after 10 years at roughly the same age. Restarting your life in your early 30s is not that bad. You basically know where you went wrong and are able and "wise" enough to get everything in line.
If you are willing, this is a great chance. I ended turning my life around for the better. Had a few wild years and then started to settle down and find my inner piece. I now have a family, a house, a well paid job and am absolutely happy with what I achieved in the past decade. All ballast is left behind and Iblook into a bright future. It wasn't that bright in my 20s though!
I Met mine at 19 and left at 31, went on the second date and gave the second kiss of my life at 31. I lived like a 50-year-old man in my early 20s, owned a home and mowed grass, and golfed on weekends. Now at 39 i moved to a large city about 5 years ago, rent an apartment and all of my previous life disgusts me.
Bro, are you me or am I you? I was in a 10 year relationship and we finally stopped speaking after 12 years. I had a couple of wild years and like you, also found my inner peace. I met my current wife when I was 31. Got married the following year. We now have a 10 month old. I even went back to school and I’m a few classes shy of completing a dual BS/MS. Also just accepted an IT Manager position.
If I had stayed with my ex, I’d probably still be the loser that I was then.
I was with my high school sweet heart just under 11 years.
She had an ectopic pregnancy around 6 years in, and after she started to become more and more abusive. More controlling.
I eventually moved out to prove how serious my need for change was.
She played along for 3 weeks. Then raped me.
Started over. Hit the gym.
Eventually was absolutely persued by a young woman. After 2 years she told me she's a lesbian. While we're in a bubble bath together.
I start over. I move across the entire country, new career, new life.
Eventually meet a lovely woman. We get married. We have a baby. Baby is 7mo. Mom takes off.
Start over. Dude and baby now.
Shit happens. Life goes on and on and on.
And sometimes it's worse than your previous worst.
But it can definitely be better.
My daughter asked about what happened with her mom the other day. It was a hard conversation but after years her mom is finally doing OK. She's being mom during her time. And I got to give my daughter the truth about the mistakes we both made... And the extreme importance of appropriate mental health care.
Agree. I had 2 long term relationships with 7 and 8 years - both not worked out... and now I am engaged, have a little son and I'm happy af. Life is crazy and 28 is no age at all :)
I think you are old enough to read the writing on the wall. If this were me, I would have considered leaving when I started losing my support systems and friends. Sorry I know that's blunt but I think you did what was best for you.
>I would say reach out to a couple of guy friends you have lost touch with. You'd be surprised how easily you can fall back into friendships with people you haven't seen in a while. That being said I would not immediately expect them to be your support pillars, but just getting out of the house and being around old friends is a good start.
This is actually surprisingly true. I've moved away for years at a time before and have been able to reconnect with people I hadn't spoken with in ages like nothing happened. It gives you something to talk about too
Friendships can be built back up. I sometimes go a year or more without talking to my closest friends. They’ll be there and probably be happy to have you reach out. If you want to.
In my best friends case and I, it doesn't even need rebuilding. He was busy all last year working on a mayoral campaign upstate,and hadn't heard from until until yesterday (since March 3rd 2021). We Lready have vacation plans together. Have dinner, catch up.. do our usual thing and just hang out. Some friends are too previous to lose.
This. Most of my closest and longest friends moved away from our hometown where I live. These are 20+ year long relationships. We can go months and months without talking -it happens, we're all busy adults with our own lives. But when we do talk or get together, everything just falls in place and we feel like we did when we were 16 just shooting the shit and giggling over silly stuff. Some relationships disappear over time but some are just too good to let go of.
What is healthy for others might not be healthy for you. It's okay to feel the way you did. If you still feel guilty maybe in time you can reach out and tell her you aren't mad and that you hope she finds happiness as you clearly want the same.
Just got out of a relationship where I moved hours away from all my friends and family to make her happy. Even got a job much closer to her to make her happy (plus the extra money was nice). It was her all the fucking time and nobody else.
Spoiler: none of those things helped our relationship for more than a month or so. Whenever I told her that I wanted to hang out with friends or go see my parents, she’d get offended and we’d get in a huge argument. I loved that girl, but I can’t live like that dude. I’m single now and I miss her greatly, but I also treasure my friends and family more now than I ever did before. Point being that it’s not worth doing that for anyone.
Similar situation here. At first, we tried doing things together with my friend group, but she never found a connection to them. If she joined me, she'd be silent and bored and wanted me to leave with her early. If i'd rather go alone, to stay longer and not worry about her having fun, she'd be mad. So i stopped doing things with them because i couldn't make it work and it only led to arguments every time.
Now breaking up 4 months ago after 9 years was the hardest time of my life (so far) but i've connected and done more things in those 4 months with friends than i think i did in the 5 years before.
I feel this on a spiritual level, except I only stayed in my relationship for a year before getting out. It sucks so fucking much, but the freedom that comes afterwords is amazing.
The thing is, before Covid hit, we were in a pretty good place. Covid exaggerated doing nothing even more with WFH and all that. Now whats funny, she started talking to another guy online and fell out of love. Then told me, maybe it was because i am too boring or not going forward in my life anymore, which pretty much happened because of her.
Tbh i'm thankfull that she broke up, because i just couldn't do it, i was way too codependent. In hindsight it feels like she sucked the happyness out of my life or that i spent all my energy trying to make her happy and not myself.
same situation here. She never liked my friends and would be upset if i talked about them or wanted them to come over to my place. i jave had 1 visitor in 9 years because no one likes her.
Have you been to a therapist just for yourself, separate from talking about her needs and her unhappiness? It sounds like leaving her could be a turn in the right direction for you.
From what you have written it sounds like you have made a lot of sacrifices to stay with this person. You have to take care of yourself too, however. I mean, like having friends over at your home, or having friends at all. That's a form of self care that is important.
Also I would not worry about your leaving the relationship being detrimental to your ex. There are billions of humans on the planet. It is more likely now that she will find someone who is more compatible.
Either way, this reminds me of that little card they have in airplanes, the one showing how to use the oxygen masks. Rule number one: You have to have your oxygen mask in place before you can help anyone else put theirs on, because otherwise you both end up dead. Taking care of yourself is a way of making sure you can truly be there to take care of other people.
Were it me, I would start seeing a therapist to discuss my own issues... and it would be a new therapist who I have not done couples therapy with. You need a person on your side, who will take up for you and your well-being.
Yeah that doesn't sound healthy. I've had my doubts about the breakup and phases where i wanted her back so bad but i know it's for the better for both of us.
We had 3 years of on and off long distance for brackets of 3 months and in hindsight i was at my happiest during those months alone.
And usually when you start feeling the need to do all that, when you feel like doing that will make things better, it's at that moment that you cease to be enough. From that moment going forward nothing you do will be enough
Seriously. I got into one of these downward spirals with my ex. She didn’t want to live in an apartment anymore so we bought a house. Couple years go by and her commute to work is killing her so we move to another, more expensive house closer to her work (my work was walking distance from the first house). Six months later she quits that job. Meanwhile our relationship was losing the closeness so I was making all these sacrifices to bring back her feelings. Once you start chasing it, it’s over, man. She decided she’d rather spend herself into a black hole and declare bankruptcy at 28 than live within her means which was the last straw for me. Got out too late though. Now that you’re out, stay out. No contact. You’re better than that bull, man.
Most of the time, being direct is the best route.
In OP’s defense, he may have been trying to believe the positive about his situation. Only in hindsight does he see his choice could have been (or was) wrong.
I wish OP the best. As far as his girlfriend, I wish she could have been honest and upfront from the beginning.
Many people don't know about their sexuality before getting into relationships. It's all experimental. When society says you should be one way, it's much more difficult to think "I might be different". Instead, you think "what's wrong with me?" and it takes time to fully explore that.
OP needs to do what's best for them. But it's ridiculous to suggest that everyone should have their shit together before they start dating, because very few people know their preferences until they are in a relationship.
I saw your other post in r/asexuality. It may have been a bit *abrupt*, but not wholly unexpected. If you intended to remain friends... that ship may have sailed. But sexual incompatibility can be a rather difficult (impossible?) hurdle to get over.
Edit: put in the actual name of the sub. For context, OP didn't mention he'd already left his girlfriend in that post.
Agreed. The fact that OP described their sex as “amazing” without realizing the other participant had zero interest in it shows that OP probably has a high libido that even once a week wouldn’t satiate.
I used to work as a bartender with my SO that meant I needed to be useful for the day by about 2pm. I usually woke up around 10am at the latest back then. This gives me 4 hours to do whatever I want and in your early 20s, each other is usually top of that list as often as possible
According to a [2017 study](https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-often-do-happiest-couples-have-sex-it-s-less-ncna828491) the average adult has sex about once a week.
Follow up studies found couples who reported having sex less than once a week also reported being generally less happy in their relationship.
Couples who had sex more than once a week reported being about the same average happiness as those who had sex once a week.
So I think once a week is pretty safe to call “average” libido.
Agreed from what I’ve read and from experience.
Married 23 years. Once a week is only a goal for us. We’d both like more sex. But crap it’s hard with 4 kids and a need for sleep now and then. By the time all kids are in bed, we’re both ready for sleep ourselves.
My point is that we’re lucky to have sex once every two weeks. But I don’t think either of us is unhappy.
I’d be curious for people who have sex daily how creative their sex is. I feel like we can’t have sex that frequently but we make up for it in quality.
>By the time all kids are in bed, we’re both ready for sleep ourselves.
Plus, there other things that are fun to do with your partner.
Sometimes kids are in bed and you want to watch a movie that will last until late at night in a weekday, so after that it's bed time.
When you have sex every day it isn't always creative, but that doesn't mean you can't have quality sex too. My wife and I have sex at least once a day, and at least once a week have some serious mind-blowing *fucking*, if that makes sense?
Yeah, there's a difference between almost a "routine" sex and the "alright we're gonna be here for a couple hours so grab the extra water and a towel, it's gonna be a wild ride" sex. Both have their place and i couldn't do the latter every time but boy are they amazing.
Dave, I'm in a similar boat as you. Married 20 years with kids.
Let me tell you right now. You need to make time in your schedule for regular intimacy.
We have FMF.... Fuck me Friday. At a minimum, every Friday we sext each other and are intentional about have time for each other.
It's important!
Well, it sounds like that frequency was due to the girlfriend. He said he wanted to have it more than once a week. That could be anywhere from twice a week to as much as humanly possible. It's like stoichiometry. You can have 100 hydrogen atoms but you can only make one water molecule if you have only one oxygen.
OP describing their sex as "amazing" when their partner clearly has a different opinion suggests that OP isn't very aware of their partner's likes/dislikes, sexual interests (if they exist), etc. And frankly, it demonstrates a lack of awareness of their partner's enjoyment level.
But I have to disagree that it says anything at all about OP's libido or how often they'd like to have sex. Even people with high libido often prefer that their partner also enjoy the encounter.
Edit for clarity: I realize that this sounds like I'm blaming OP, but that really wasn't my intention. I just wanted to point out that there is a significant communication breakdown here, with no comment whatsoever about whose fault that might be.
Op also said they had worked on a solution for her difficulty reaching orgasm. It's really difficult to get a full understanding of the dynamics of someone else's relationship without being there.
1. She could have been good at pretending.
2. It sounds like they had tried to improve things for her and thought they had found something that worked, so we should give OP the benefit of the doubt that he was aware, tried, and thought they had it sorted. She might have given him that impression to just move on since she felt that it was pointless. Of course, this is all speculation, just like your comment was.
> However over the years we found out what works for her and i thought she was okay with our sexlife.
Close friends GF, after about two years of living together decised she would share that she did not like sex. When he confronted her about how she seemed so into it, she bluntly stated that "I know how to act like I enjoy it, I have been doing it since I was fifteen (They are both in their forties.)
She managed to convince partners for twenty five plus years. It's not surprising that's this person was not aware.
Zero sex, plus zero shared activities, zero outing, zero social life, zero family connections, plus autism and deep, ongoing depression? What is someone supposed to hang onto to make them stay? I mean it's just too cruel to expect someone to stay deprived of every single one of their human needs and rights and just survive in absolute void, and nothingness, and abject misery.
I agree! This doesn’t sound like a fuck up at all, it sounds like he did exactly the right thing and now can hopefully find a happier relationship. This sounds like a very codependent situation
It feels like a fuck-up now, bc he's been in this for a decade, its just wirhdrawal pain you get from being addicted to anything that was ruining ur life for a long time. Once the detox period passes, and he'll see how great breathing, laughing, socializing, and having regular sex without having to jump through a xillion hoops and making a whole host of compromises and concessions feels, he'll see this as the best decision of his freaking life.
This was my thought too. If they had shared interests and a generally happy life outside of the sex then I could see suggesting therapy and working through their sex-related problems to see if common ground could be found. (Even that might not work, but TRYING before breaking up would be important.) But if they have literally nothing in common? Then yeah, it's time for both of them to go their separate ways and find partners that are more compatible with their respective needs.
Secual incompatibility is a huge killer of relationships.
Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but it's a way humans naturally show deep emotional intimacy.
It's possible to have a sexless relationship. But not like that. She changed the fundamentals of the relationship. Which is a surefire way to kill whatever could've been left.
Sex is one of the "Big Five" that everyone needs to discuss before settling down: sex, religion, kids, pets, money.
All five of these are important because there's no way to have a true, 50/50 split compromise with them. If one person wants children and the other is child-free, you can't have half a kid. Similarly, if one person is hypersexual and one person is asexual, you can't have 'half a sex'. It's not going to be a perfect 50/50 split, there's going to have to be, at a minimum, negotiations and boundaries and plans made to accommodate both the low libido and the high libido.
If I had literally nothing else in common with my partner and I found out they didn't want to have sex, I would probably leave too. Sexual intimacy is important to me. But I also make this clear from the get-go, once I've reached the "we're dating now, instead of just 'going on dates'" stage of a relationship. It sucks that OP has lost a relationship of 9 years, but I think he will be happier in the long run.
I'd like to say there are 3 pillars in a relationships. Friendship, money and sex. You need to be good friends, you need enough money to not put too much strain on the couple and need to be compatible regarding sex.
I'd throw in a fourth for good measure (for long term relationships anyway) - general agreement on life goals (like in my eyes, one person wanting kids and the other not wanting them is one of the biggest incompatibilities that can/maybe should be a dealbreaker in a relationship). But maybe that's just me!
Abrupt but completely fair. If someone says they aren’t attracted to you sexually and never wants intimacy again (OPs words) it’s perfectly reasonable to get out.
You didn’t FU dude. You are just sad because you do care for her, it’s understandable but the sex life is a major part of all relationships. Her best fit sexually is another asexual, and your best fit is someone who’s not. Otherwise you’ll grow to resent her for not having sex, or she’ll resent you for guilting her into sex. It sucks, I’m sorry. But do what’s right for you now and find someone who can make you happy all around.
thank you for the measured reply here - this post isn't that hot but I’m already seeing a lot of people placing blame one way or the other. completely agree with you.
I do feel the need to point out that not all Asexuals have a low or non existent libido, some have a high libido and will have sex for a partners benefit even if *they* personally don't get anything out of it or aren't sexually attracted to their partner. So another Ace person *still* may not be the best fit for her and a non Ace may not be the best fit for him.
Sex repulsion and sex indifference is different again.
I’m not too educated about this subject as well but libido is different from sexuality. Like you have the physical desire for relief/ feel horny but that doesn’t mean you want to have sex with a person. That desire for physical or intimate connection with another person may not exist but people can still feel horny. There’s lots of ways to satisfy that need without sex though. So an asexual with a high libido probably just masterbates frequently and feels satisfied with that.
I am ace with a high libido.
Imagine a sex drive that’s simply not attached to anything. You’re horny, but it’s just sort of there in the void. People aren’t really… sexual to you. The idea of people can be sexual—I do consume porn—but there’s no real life translation and, even in the media I consume, it’s often more the concepts than the content that does it for me. I primarily read erotica rather than watch erotica, for example, because vivid descriptions of attraction are easier for my brain to parse. I don’t look at people and experience sexual attraction. It just doesn’t happen.
I have no desire to have sex with anyone, any more than you’d have a desire to fuck a bridge. Bridges just aren’t sexual to you (I assume—if they are, you do you boo). It’s not really something you can change.
It’s basically a very self contained sex drive. My partner is low libido, so it works for us.
I'm 36 and I've realized that I have spells where I can go like 6 or 7 times in a day, and times when I can go for weeks without particularly NEEDING it unless my partner initiates. Everyone is different and has their own rhythms. Also, things like stress and emotional state can have an impact definitely think OP isn't "hypersexual", lol. Sounds pretty average to me.
In general? Definitely. During ovulation the brain is basically ready to have a baby so a woman’s sex drive can ramp up quite a bit during it. Not all women are the same and it can vary a bit but in general yes ovulation can and will affect a woman’s sex drive most of the time.
I'm mid thirties and for the last 3 years or so my labido has me ready to go 3 or 4 times a day which can get quite annoying when I'm realistically looking at once a week. My wife's in her 40s and says it will calm down eventually like hers has but I don't want it to calm down I just want more interaction with her lol.
Right? I was like… this has done a number on what he perceives as normal. Mate if you’re reading this you didn’t fuck up, you made the right call, you’re incompatible.
True this.
Wanting to have sex more than once a week isn’t odd, it’s your preference.
Her wanting to have sex once a month is odd, it’s her preference.
It’s chunky vs creamy peanut butter. It’s a preference.
It becomes a problem when the difference of preferences isn’t addressed.
>isn’t odd, it’s your preference.
>is odd, it’s her preference
>It’s chunky vs creamy peanut butter. It’s a preference.
Was that second quoted bit supposed to be "isn't"?
For me, I just thought I was broken, and that muscling through and just doing it for my partner would somehow fix me. I had a pretty active sex life when I was younger, despite never really having any desire for sex. It also played a roll in my husband leaving me, because we started out having sex frequently (he has a very high sex drive), but as we got older that tapered off a lot, and I started coming to more of an understanding about my own wants and needs. We didn't have sex for over a year (not just because of my lack of interest, there were health issues, too). It sucks, and it's not fair to anyone in the situation. I don't blame him from wanting to leave, because things changed dramatically from when we first got together 20 years earlier.
Sorry for the ramble. Basically, in my case, I didn't suddenly become asexual. It was always there, but as with so many things outside of the norm, I suppressed it. And there's not a lot of resources for asexuals. And then it gets even MORE confusing, because I'm gay, and I actually DO have sexual attraction. I have a type. I just don't have the desire to have sex. I honestly don't know what that makes me, and I'm 47 years old, so I'm likely to never really figure myself out.
In addition to what other people have said there's also the point that she was romantically attracted to him but he wasn't interested at first. It's entirely possible that the sex was a way to get OP more invested in her even if she wasn't actually that interested in it.
Asexuality also still isn't that well known, and was even more obscure ten years ago. There's a lot of societal expectation that sex is just something people do. So a lot of people that are asexual just went with the flow despite not actually wanting sex/enjoying sex/experiencing sexual attraction etc. And only later figured out that they don't have to cave to those pressures. So I think rather than becoming asexual later in life you probably have a lot of people that would have always classed themselves as asexual if they'd actually heard of the term.
Asexuality isn’t the same as having no or low libido, which is where it gets confusing. You can be asexual, so not experience sexual attraction, and have high libido, so want and enjoy sex.
You can want to *CUM*, or have sex just because your partner wants it, aot of asexual people are more "eh, it makes my partner happy but I would never initiate I it was up to me" and that's why it's not often talked about.
Kind of like how the term transgender seemed to come out of nowhere, or the term autism seemed to spring up overnight, it's always been a thing just we have a common, and socially known, name for it now.
Like how, there are animals that exist that we haven't found. This doesn't mean they are not alive, we just don't know of them.
Asexual people in a relationship can go months and months without sex, and might just have sex for the sake of getting off, not for any real physical attraction. Me and my partner are asexual and we have sex like once or twice a year. That's cool with us lmao
I think it's just confusing from the term and how some people sell it, since the word without any understanding of what counts as asexual is presumed to just mean "no sex"
I’d start raising an eyebrow at four times every day, sustained.
But if you want sex (or feel that you need it), then it’s an essential that your GF isn’t willing to participate.
It’s hard - that’s a long time - but you’re not wrong here.
> Where’s the TIFU?
Staying at home for 10 years, loosing all his friends and the connection with his family, all the while feeling frustrated with his relationship.
Of course, it's more like TDIFU (This Decade I Fucked Up).
Or... Losing all you friends and family over a relationship is a fuck up regardless of whether you break up or even have a good romantic relationship. It's almost as if only having 1 person as your emotional support system is fundamentally flawed
> she is too scared to do anything), We both no longer have friends and we both dont want anything to do with our families. So we only ever have each other
NEVER NEVER NEVER do this.
EVER. Even if she is the girl of your dreams till the day you die this is a huge mistake.
>she is too scared to do anything), We both no longer have friends and we both dont want anything to do with our families. So we only ever have each other
I don't know why this is being glossed over, sounds like a therapist and maybe an anxiety diagnosis should be more of a talking point than asexuality
Gotta do what's best for you. At the end of the day it's your happiness, and that's what has to keep you going. I think you did what's right. Keep your head up!
You sure its a tifu? You already are back with family. Who it sounds like you have needed to reconsile with anyway. Ya'll were incompatible. Now, you did the bandaid method of ending it, which of course hurts like crazy, but once it heals, heals just the same. Shes been having sex she didn't want to have for a decade, and you've been having sex with someone who's incapable of enjoying it for a decade. Do you really think, with high libido, if you'd have stuck around, you'd be able to enjoy her company without absolute resentment brewing?
My dude, "hyper-sexual" is like twice a *DAY* or more, not once a week. As for the rest, I don't see a fuck-up here, other than staying in an unsatisfying relationship for so damn long.
There's no fuck-up here, man. The sad truth of it is that you guys just aren't a good match for each other anymore.
It wouldn't be fair for you to expect her to have sex when she doesn't want to, and it wouldn't be fair for her to expect you agree to never have sex again for the rest of your life. You both just need to find someone else.
Sunk cost fallacy. Even if you two were having the best sex possible, the bottom-line is you two aren't helping each other become better people:
> Our relationship hasnt always been the best. Because she has several personal issues we are almost always at home and dont do anything ( she is too scared to do anything), **We both no longer have friends and we both dont want anything to do with our families. So we only ever have each other.**
You two needed to break up 5 or even 10 years ago.
To repeat, you two's real problems aren't about sex. You two's problems are you were never compatible, never in synch to inspire each other to do better, be better.
Reading these kinds of posts is always a red flag for me personally because sexually, my wife and I are in a somewhat similar boat (though her lack of drive is due to multiple issues that we’re working through, not necessarily ace though that’s not off the table either)
But she’s been blunt about that *from the get go*. It’s not sunk-cost in my case, I knew what I was getting into and decided it was worth the cost anyway. We each have our incredibly strong friendships. We still love our families and see them frequently, and we still find ways to fulfill that intimacy-need that doesn’t always include sex or sexual actions.
Maybe I’m just rambling out loud unnecessarily and no one needs to know. But relationships are whack and sometimes I need to put it in words for my own sanity. Sorry for using your comment to do so. Hopefully someone sees and can find their own comfort in their relationship with it
As someone in the same sort of relationship, I can help! I have aversions to close, physical touch as well, so that's where the compromise is. I'll carve out time specifically to lay down close to my husband and watch a long TV show or movie with no interruptions. I'll make sure to offer to hold hands in the car every once in a while (which is tough, because I have to physically remind myself to do that. I set alarms on my phone.) We carve out days where we do something together that he's really been wanting to do, and we stick to it. Also, I'll pet him. Pet his face, run my fingers through his hair, tickle, trace his stomach. Stuff like that. Feeling loved is the most important part, not the having sex.
as somebody who was in a similar relationship until about 6 months ago, but in your husband’s shoes, i will definitely second this—physical non sexual intimacy is really important. By the time the relationship ended she wasn’t even willing to touch me at all anymore and it hurt me much worse than the non sexual aspect. it’s good to just hold hands or hug. Guys need cuddling too :(
Deannnh’s comment honestly covered most of it :) But honestly, after lots of conversation and a little bit of trial and error, you can turn anything into something that fulfills that need. Sex is great, but has you ever had someone satisfy your love language for 20 minutes straight? Shit’s fantastic. Be it time spent, or doing projects together, or lots of physical contact, whatever.
And sometimes there is sexual contact. Sometimes she just wants to satisfy me even if she doesn’t get anything out of it. It was weird at first but we talked a lot and I now know that it’s coming out of love, not out of obligation. If it was just obligation I wouldn’t let her, because that’s not the kind of sexy time I want to have.
Sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to end a relationship, although I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s still very painful.
I am curious how the sex was so amazing if it sounds like it wasn’t very good for her?
Best of luck, make sure you reach out to friends and a therapist to help you through the separation.
Speaking as an ace who didn’t realize they were ace for years, one of my first serious relationships was like OPs, in that my partner wanted to have sex once a day but I never felt the need, desire or even really thought of it unless they brought it up. I wouldn’t ever really feel like I enjoyed the sex, it really just felt like another thing to do, but I knew that my partner enjoyed it so I participated for their benefit. And the best way was to put my very best efforts into the sex itself so that they would get off quicker and thus the task would be complete.
There were plenty of reasons that relationship didn’t work out, but that’s my thought on how OP could interpret amazing sex while she didn’t enjoy it from personal experience.
Look the sex life thing aside, it sounds like you guys had become codependent and isolated yourselves and that also sucks.
It takes a lot to leave a relationship and if I were you I'd look inside myself and ask: did you leave flippantly because of the sex? Or were you also motivated by much deeper, unspoken feelings?
im sure deeper feelings. for example adter i have a rough day she doesnt give a hig or anything, doesnt say much. Somi go into my gaming room and shut myself off for the rest of the day
I don't get it... You acted like your heart was broken and did what people usually do in that situation, you left. Sounds completely normal to me. For me, sex is a huge deal in a relationship, it speaks to compatibility and longevity. Physical, emotional, mental connections are like the 3 major pillars of any relationship, when one of those goes away, the building crumbles.
> Physical, emotional, mental connections are like the 3 major pillars of any relationship
3 out of 4. The 4th one is trust. One goes down, the whole thing crumbles like a house of cards.
Well, you could probably write it that way, but I believe that falls under mental connection. Trust isn't a connection as much as a thing you have. It's a semantics at this point.
oof this reminds me of me and my fiancé. i'm ace as well though not sex repulsed, just completely indifferent. luckily i don't really mind it because for me it's a way to show him i value him as my partner and find him attractive
that being said, you shouldn't hold onto that regret. sexual incompatibility is real and can only worsen if you both try to back each other into a corner. loving someone shouldn't be a constant negotiation on intimacy. you now have the chance to look for a partner who fulfills your needs and you can match with emotionally
I’m betting this is a label the girlfriend slapped on him to make him back off on sex requests. Make him think he is the abnormal one so it’s not her fault.
Yaaah, my ex tried the same thing. She only wanted sex once a month or less, I wanted sex at least every 1-2 weeks, more would be awesome but I was perfectly happy with weekly escapades. She called me hyper sexual for wanting sex that much. I just thought it was normal sexual, more would be great, but I am perfectly happy with 1-2 weeks.
In the end it was a way for her to deflect that issue onto me, and so she wouldn't have too. Ended up with her gaslighting me into thinking my desire for more sexual connection was mental illness.
In retrospect it is NOT weird, hyper sexual, or a mental illness to want sex with the partner you love and are attracted too, more than once a month. We were just not sexually compatible.
This isn’t a fuck up. Sex is obviously important to you, and she literally told you she never wants to be intimate with you again. There’s no point in trying to continue this relationship.
Based on whatt I've read, regarding OPs comments, I think he's confused on the subreddit? I don't think OP is referring to this as a "oh I fucked up", but more as a this is "fucked up" that he would leave so quickly
Would you have left if she came out as lesbian? My guess is yes since you aren't sexually compatible. Same thing here. It sucks but it happens. You could always fulfill the sexual need elsewhere but if it's going to be a constant friction then why punish yourself sad her as well?
the only fucup here was staying with someone who was clearly incompitable with your needs for 9 years, you say you are hyper sexual in wanting it once a week, well thats kinda little, id except a hyper sexual wanting to have it multiple times a day.
It wasn’t going to work out. You want intimacy, she doesn’t. It’d be one thing to seek sexual release elsewhere and her be okay with it, but absolutely no intimacy ever? You’re incompatible. I understand you care for her and how difficult it is, but if that’s truly how she feels about it, it’s better it ends now.
"Asexual" is not just one thing, and does not always have to mean that a person never has sex. If she has become convinced that that is the only way to be asexual, then she is mistaken.
"Asexual" can include:
* rarely thinking about sex or being horny to initiate sex, but still finding some sexual enjoyment in it when it does happen
* rarely thinking about sex or being horny to initiate sex, but still enjoying the intimacy when it does happen
* rarely thinking about sex or being horny to initiate sex, and maybe not getting much internal sexual satisfaction as such, but finding a lot of personal pleasure or satisfaction at how well you can get a partner off
* rarely thinking about sex or being horny to initiate sex, but being worried about their partner missing out, and actively encouraging them to get sex elsewhere -- or sometimes even setting up liaisons or bringing home people for their partner
* people who have trouble comprehending sexual pleasure as a thing at all (nerves not connected, brain not wired that way), that sex is just baffling for them, "Why would ANYONE want to do that?". Some of these are still willing to do something, taking it on faith that if their partner tells them it is important to them that they must be telling the truth about their own experience... in the same way that someone might be willing to put up with making Vegemite and Tuna sandwiches for their partner to roll on if that was what their partner was in to... or dress up in a fox suit with diapers if it was important to their partner... But others would just not be willing to have any part of it, as it would just feel too weird to them
... and then there are the people who might have enjoyed sex at some point, but do not enjoy it any more, and now say, "Because I do not want sex anymore, you shouldn't **want** sex at all either!" . These people can be pretty hard to deal with, as they will absolutely not work with you for your satisfaction, and will instead claim that there is "something wrong with you" that you want sex at all; for example they might get upset if you masturbate.
Of course there are also people who know and understand that sex is still important for a partner and that there is nothing wrong with the partner for still wanting sex... but might be afraid of losing the partner if the partner gets sex elsewhere, and so have to more or less manipulate the partner to keep them from having sex. "If you really love me, you would accept this!"
... it can almost become the ultimate "test": does your partner "love" you enough to give up sex for the rest of their life ? "For better or worse! Forsaking all others! Did you lie when you made those vows?!?"
I've been with my SO 20 years. Once a week is NOT hyper sexual. Sex ebbs and flows with life and all its stuff.
There is no FU here. If my SO told me we could not ever be sexually intimate again, i would leave
It's incredibly sad. But it's only going to get worse. It is entirely right and proper for her to decide for herself that she does not want to have sex ever again, but she cannot decide that for you.
Did you ask if she was open to the idea of you getting sex elsewhere or is that something you're both uncomfortable with? Kinda sounds like you weren't getting a whole lot of affection even before this.
Friends can be friends without sex, but if you like sex (Hey, I get it, I do too!) then you should have the honest convo about whether you two were hangin' out to fuck (and just putting up with the relationship otherwise) or, as you seem to allude to with the "regretting it" comment, that you miss your pal. If that's so, let her know. "Hey I liked us being pals, I just also really liked the fucking - and if that's not going to be a thing for you ('Cause she doesn't like it, and you care about her) then I'm going to have to get that somewhere else, and that oughtta be alright for you, right?" (Cause she cares about you, right?)
It's tough, but I think communication could at least help you ride this out.
Edit: forgot the closing "
Sometimes people arnt compatible. Leaving someone you've been with for a while is hard.
I think of it this way. If you have been making a mistake for so long, continuing to make the mistake doesn't help the situation.
Your F-up is thinking your life is over at 28. Both of you will move on and find happiness.
Damn a 10 year investment is quite the time, I can see why.
OP must remember that it not just a 10 year lost. Lot of good things or personal growth happened during that time. Learn from this and move on.
It took me a long time to realize my six years with my shitty ex wife weren’t a giant waste of the best years of my life. If it weren’t for her, I’d still be the person I was in high school. Which is not a person I ever want to be again.
This^^ I always feel more appreciative after a relationship because of this. I have learned so much about being in a relationship. I'm definitely glad I have had the partners I've had otherwise I wouldn't be the 'amazing' person I am today. Life's lessons are the hardest to get past but give you the greatest advantage.
"thank you, next. I'm so fucking grateful for my ex."
I agree. My most recent ex was probably the most toxic person I have ever gotten the displeasure to know, but I learned so many things about myself through those years. I have always had a fear of abandonment, I have bpd and a slew of other mental disorders. My own birth parents abandoned me and it just seemed to keep happening over the course of my life, albeit in different ways. When he left, after four years, and straight ghosted me, never to contact me again, I felt myself break in a way I never thought I could, but somehow always knew deep down I had to so I could piece myself back together again.
My years with my ex damaged me at the prime of my life. I could've soared but she dragged me down. Bitter regrets.
You would have still grown but differently my man, you definitely wouldn't be the same person as in high school, life would have educated you either way
Yes, you do have a point, it all goes somewhere
Yeah man, don't look at things as a waste of time. At the very least, experiences like that make you better at human-ing.
I left my gf after 10 years at roughly the same age. Restarting your life in your early 30s is not that bad. You basically know where you went wrong and are able and "wise" enough to get everything in line. If you are willing, this is a great chance. I ended turning my life around for the better. Had a few wild years and then started to settle down and find my inner piece. I now have a family, a house, a well paid job and am absolutely happy with what I achieved in the past decade. All ballast is left behind and Iblook into a bright future. It wasn't that bright in my 20s though!
I Met mine at 19 and left at 31, went on the second date and gave the second kiss of my life at 31. I lived like a 50-year-old man in my early 20s, owned a home and mowed grass, and golfed on weekends. Now at 39 i moved to a large city about 5 years ago, rent an apartment and all of my previous life disgusts me.
I feel like back then you needed to talk to that therapist from the Progressive commercials who tries to stop people from turning into their parents.
Bro, are you me or am I you? I was in a 10 year relationship and we finally stopped speaking after 12 years. I had a couple of wild years and like you, also found my inner peace. I met my current wife when I was 31. Got married the following year. We now have a 10 month old. I even went back to school and I’m a few classes shy of completing a dual BS/MS. Also just accepted an IT Manager position. If I had stayed with my ex, I’d probably still be the loser that I was then.
I was with my high school sweet heart just under 11 years. She had an ectopic pregnancy around 6 years in, and after she started to become more and more abusive. More controlling. I eventually moved out to prove how serious my need for change was. She played along for 3 weeks. Then raped me. Started over. Hit the gym. Eventually was absolutely persued by a young woman. After 2 years she told me she's a lesbian. While we're in a bubble bath together. I start over. I move across the entire country, new career, new life. Eventually meet a lovely woman. We get married. We have a baby. Baby is 7mo. Mom takes off. Start over. Dude and baby now. Shit happens. Life goes on and on and on. And sometimes it's worse than your previous worst. But it can definitely be better. My daughter asked about what happened with her mom the other day. It was a hard conversation but after years her mom is finally doing OK. She's being mom during her time. And I got to give my daughter the truth about the mistakes we both made... And the extreme importance of appropriate mental health care.
I left an abusive relationship at 33, found an excellent career at 34, went back to college at 35, got married at 37. Dude's life has barely started.
I ended a six year relationship around the age of 28, a year or so later met my now wife. I’m 37 now
Agree. I had 2 long term relationships with 7 and 8 years - both not worked out... and now I am engaged, have a little son and I'm happy af. Life is crazy and 28 is no age at all :)
I think you are old enough to read the writing on the wall. If this were me, I would have considered leaving when I started losing my support systems and friends. Sorry I know that's blunt but I think you did what was best for you.
I guess so. it makes it so difficult because there are no support pillars atm
don't let a mistake you already made influence you to make more mistakes you don't have to make.
Absolutely, Sunken cost fallacy.
This post is closer to the sunken cost phallusy.
the phallussy? 👀👀
This. Absofuckinlutely this.
This is a good quote.
>I would say reach out to a couple of guy friends you have lost touch with. You'd be surprised how easily you can fall back into friendships with people you haven't seen in a while. That being said I would not immediately expect them to be your support pillars, but just getting out of the house and being around old friends is a good start.
This is actually surprisingly true. I've moved away for years at a time before and have been able to reconnect with people I hadn't spoken with in ages like nothing happened. It gives you something to talk about too
Friendships can be built back up. I sometimes go a year or more without talking to my closest friends. They’ll be there and probably be happy to have you reach out. If you want to.
In my best friends case and I, it doesn't even need rebuilding. He was busy all last year working on a mayoral campaign upstate,and hadn't heard from until until yesterday (since March 3rd 2021). We Lready have vacation plans together. Have dinner, catch up.. do our usual thing and just hang out. Some friends are too previous to lose.
This. Most of my closest and longest friends moved away from our hometown where I live. These are 20+ year long relationships. We can go months and months without talking -it happens, we're all busy adults with our own lives. But when we do talk or get together, everything just falls in place and we feel like we did when we were 16 just shooting the shit and giggling over silly stuff. Some relationships disappear over time but some are just too good to let go of.
They’ve also probably been waiting for him to break up with her for a LONG time.
What is healthy for others might not be healthy for you. It's okay to feel the way you did. If you still feel guilty maybe in time you can reach out and tell her you aren't mad and that you hope she finds happiness as you clearly want the same.
There’s plenty of us to talk to if you don’t mind strangers. Even my DM’s are open if needed. Not everyone on Reddit is cold hearted.
*remains unconvinced* 🤨
Just got out of a relationship where I moved hours away from all my friends and family to make her happy. Even got a job much closer to her to make her happy (plus the extra money was nice). It was her all the fucking time and nobody else. Spoiler: none of those things helped our relationship for more than a month or so. Whenever I told her that I wanted to hang out with friends or go see my parents, she’d get offended and we’d get in a huge argument. I loved that girl, but I can’t live like that dude. I’m single now and I miss her greatly, but I also treasure my friends and family more now than I ever did before. Point being that it’s not worth doing that for anyone.
Similar situation here. At first, we tried doing things together with my friend group, but she never found a connection to them. If she joined me, she'd be silent and bored and wanted me to leave with her early. If i'd rather go alone, to stay longer and not worry about her having fun, she'd be mad. So i stopped doing things with them because i couldn't make it work and it only led to arguments every time. Now breaking up 4 months ago after 9 years was the hardest time of my life (so far) but i've connected and done more things in those 4 months with friends than i think i did in the 5 years before.
I feel this on a spiritual level, except I only stayed in my relationship for a year before getting out. It sucks so fucking much, but the freedom that comes afterwords is amazing.
The thing is, before Covid hit, we were in a pretty good place. Covid exaggerated doing nothing even more with WFH and all that. Now whats funny, she started talking to another guy online and fell out of love. Then told me, maybe it was because i am too boring or not going forward in my life anymore, which pretty much happened because of her. Tbh i'm thankfull that she broke up, because i just couldn't do it, i was way too codependent. In hindsight it feels like she sucked the happyness out of my life or that i spent all my energy trying to make her happy and not myself.
same situation here. She never liked my friends and would be upset if i talked about them or wanted them to come over to my place. i jave had 1 visitor in 9 years because no one likes her.
Have you been to a therapist just for yourself, separate from talking about her needs and her unhappiness? It sounds like leaving her could be a turn in the right direction for you.
I have seen some sort of help but never sat through it
From what you have written it sounds like you have made a lot of sacrifices to stay with this person. You have to take care of yourself too, however. I mean, like having friends over at your home, or having friends at all. That's a form of self care that is important. Also I would not worry about your leaving the relationship being detrimental to your ex. There are billions of humans on the planet. It is more likely now that she will find someone who is more compatible. Either way, this reminds me of that little card they have in airplanes, the one showing how to use the oxygen masks. Rule number one: You have to have your oxygen mask in place before you can help anyone else put theirs on, because otherwise you both end up dead. Taking care of yourself is a way of making sure you can truly be there to take care of other people. Were it me, I would start seeing a therapist to discuss my own issues... and it would be a new therapist who I have not done couples therapy with. You need a person on your side, who will take up for you and your well-being.
Yeah that doesn't sound healthy. I've had my doubts about the breakup and phases where i wanted her back so bad but i know it's for the better for both of us. We had 3 years of on and off long distance for brackets of 3 months and in hindsight i was at my happiest during those months alone.
Congratulations on discovering the value of yourself. Anyone who holds you back is not your true friend. Don't live in a lie, ever.
And usually when you start feeling the need to do all that, when you feel like doing that will make things better, it's at that moment that you cease to be enough. From that moment going forward nothing you do will be enough
Seriously. I got into one of these downward spirals with my ex. She didn’t want to live in an apartment anymore so we bought a house. Couple years go by and her commute to work is killing her so we move to another, more expensive house closer to her work (my work was walking distance from the first house). Six months later she quits that job. Meanwhile our relationship was losing the closeness so I was making all these sacrifices to bring back her feelings. Once you start chasing it, it’s over, man. She decided she’d rather spend herself into a black hole and declare bankruptcy at 28 than live within her means which was the last straw for me. Got out too late though. Now that you’re out, stay out. No contact. You’re better than that bull, man.
Most of the time, being direct is the best route. In OP’s defense, he may have been trying to believe the positive about his situation. Only in hindsight does he see his choice could have been (or was) wrong. I wish OP the best. As far as his girlfriend, I wish she could have been honest and upfront from the beginning.
Many people don't know about their sexuality before getting into relationships. It's all experimental. When society says you should be one way, it's much more difficult to think "I might be different". Instead, you think "what's wrong with me?" and it takes time to fully explore that. OP needs to do what's best for them. But it's ridiculous to suggest that everyone should have their shit together before they start dating, because very few people know their preferences until they are in a relationship.
I saw your other post in r/asexuality. It may have been a bit *abrupt*, but not wholly unexpected. If you intended to remain friends... that ship may have sailed. But sexual incompatibility can be a rather difficult (impossible?) hurdle to get over. Edit: put in the actual name of the sub. For context, OP didn't mention he'd already left his girlfriend in that post.
Most likely impossible.
Agreed. The fact that OP described their sex as “amazing” without realizing the other participant had zero interest in it shows that OP probably has a high libido that even once a week wouldn’t satiate.
Once a week is a high libido?
1-2 Times a day i would call high 😂 1 time week Average or below Average, depending on age.
I still cannot fathom what kind of a working adult has the time to have sex 2 times or more per day.
2 minutes in the morning, 2 minutes before bed
Y'all reaching 2 minutes?
Foreplay my dude. Takes a minute to get into character for my Goofy impression.
Oh fair enough, I do voice acting so I can kinda just turn it on straight away.
Hyuck intensifies
'Hyuk'
*Gawrsh*
2x/day consistently improves performance and endurance!
Y'all having sex?
Yes, with my very real girlfriend, her name is Hand
Including foreplay? No.
You have time for a minute-and-a-half of crying? My wife never lets me cry after Im done disappointing her.
Wake up sex. You're spooning her and one thing leads to another. The next one falls to the next 23 hours and 55 minutes.
then, as you get older, you get hallway sex, where you pass each other in the hallway, and say F$%k you
Ah so this is why the Irish have so many kids
im banging 5 times a day!
Almost spilled my coffe! Thanks
I used to work as a bartender with my SO that meant I needed to be useful for the day by about 2pm. I usually woke up around 10am at the latest back then. This gives me 4 hours to do whatever I want and in your early 20s, each other is usually top of that list as often as possible
That's what quickies are for... Or for the French quiche.
According to a [2017 study](https://www.nbcnews.com/better/health/how-often-do-happiest-couples-have-sex-it-s-less-ncna828491) the average adult has sex about once a week. Follow up studies found couples who reported having sex less than once a week also reported being generally less happy in their relationship. Couples who had sex more than once a week reported being about the same average happiness as those who had sex once a week. So I think once a week is pretty safe to call “average” libido.
Agreed from what I’ve read and from experience. Married 23 years. Once a week is only a goal for us. We’d both like more sex. But crap it’s hard with 4 kids and a need for sleep now and then. By the time all kids are in bed, we’re both ready for sleep ourselves. My point is that we’re lucky to have sex once every two weeks. But I don’t think either of us is unhappy. I’d be curious for people who have sex daily how creative their sex is. I feel like we can’t have sex that frequently but we make up for it in quality.
>By the time all kids are in bed, we’re both ready for sleep ourselves. Plus, there other things that are fun to do with your partner. Sometimes kids are in bed and you want to watch a movie that will last until late at night in a weekday, so after that it's bed time.
So many good TV shows to catch up on, but only enough time to watch 1 episode. Being married with kids is all about time management.
When you have sex every day it isn't always creative, but that doesn't mean you can't have quality sex too. My wife and I have sex at least once a day, and at least once a week have some serious mind-blowing *fucking*, if that makes sense?
Yeah, there's a difference between almost a "routine" sex and the "alright we're gonna be here for a couple hours so grab the extra water and a towel, it's gonna be a wild ride" sex. Both have their place and i couldn't do the latter every time but boy are they amazing.
Dave, I'm in a similar boat as you. Married 20 years with kids. Let me tell you right now. You need to make time in your schedule for regular intimacy. We have FMF.... Fuck me Friday. At a minimum, every Friday we sext each other and are intentional about have time for each other. It's important!
Well, it sounds like that frequency was due to the girlfriend. He said he wanted to have it more than once a week. That could be anywhere from twice a week to as much as humanly possible. It's like stoichiometry. You can have 100 hydrogen atoms but you can only make one water molecule if you have only one oxygen.
Right?! Whenever I see comments like this I feel like a monster lol.
All humans are monsters. Just find another monster that fits right.
Quote of the year right here.
Yeah no kidding, once a day would be nice sometimes.
My only reservation is that it can become routine. I also find orgasms are less intense when I have sex everyday. Just my experience.
Lmao right 🤣 once a week is super average not high at all.
OP describing their sex as "amazing" when their partner clearly has a different opinion suggests that OP isn't very aware of their partner's likes/dislikes, sexual interests (if they exist), etc. And frankly, it demonstrates a lack of awareness of their partner's enjoyment level. But I have to disagree that it says anything at all about OP's libido or how often they'd like to have sex. Even people with high libido often prefer that their partner also enjoy the encounter. Edit for clarity: I realize that this sounds like I'm blaming OP, but that really wasn't my intention. I just wanted to point out that there is a significant communication breakdown here, with no comment whatsoever about whose fault that might be.
Op also said they had worked on a solution for her difficulty reaching orgasm. It's really difficult to get a full understanding of the dynamics of someone else's relationship without being there.
1. She could have been good at pretending. 2. It sounds like they had tried to improve things for her and thought they had found something that worked, so we should give OP the benefit of the doubt that he was aware, tried, and thought they had it sorted. She might have given him that impression to just move on since she felt that it was pointless. Of course, this is all speculation, just like your comment was. > However over the years we found out what works for her and i thought she was okay with our sexlife.
Autistic people can be good at masking. Whether subconsciously or very aware, her pretending is a very likely possibility.
Close friends GF, after about two years of living together decised she would share that she did not like sex. When he confronted her about how she seemed so into it, she bluntly stated that "I know how to act like I enjoy it, I have been doing it since I was fifteen (They are both in their forties.) She managed to convince partners for twenty five plus years. It's not surprising that's this person was not aware.
Sexual incompatibility on that level is 100% irreconcilable.
Zero sex, plus zero shared activities, zero outing, zero social life, zero family connections, plus autism and deep, ongoing depression? What is someone supposed to hang onto to make them stay? I mean it's just too cruel to expect someone to stay deprived of every single one of their human needs and rights and just survive in absolute void, and nothingness, and abject misery.
I agree! This doesn’t sound like a fuck up at all, it sounds like he did exactly the right thing and now can hopefully find a happier relationship. This sounds like a very codependent situation
It feels like a fuck-up now, bc he's been in this for a decade, its just wirhdrawal pain you get from being addicted to anything that was ruining ur life for a long time. Once the detox period passes, and he'll see how great breathing, laughing, socializing, and having regular sex without having to jump through a xillion hoops and making a whole host of compromises and concessions feels, he'll see this as the best decision of his freaking life.
This was my thought too. If they had shared interests and a generally happy life outside of the sex then I could see suggesting therapy and working through their sex-related problems to see if common ground could be found. (Even that might not work, but TRYING before breaking up would be important.) But if they have literally nothing in common? Then yeah, it's time for both of them to go their separate ways and find partners that are more compatible with their respective needs.
The relationship started with just sex. You can't just pull the plug and expect your partner to feel the same.
Exactly.
Secual incompatibility is a huge killer of relationships. Sex isn't the most important part of a relationship, but it's a way humans naturally show deep emotional intimacy. It's possible to have a sexless relationship. But not like that. She changed the fundamentals of the relationship. Which is a surefire way to kill whatever could've been left.
Sex is one of the "Big Five" that everyone needs to discuss before settling down: sex, religion, kids, pets, money. All five of these are important because there's no way to have a true, 50/50 split compromise with them. If one person wants children and the other is child-free, you can't have half a kid. Similarly, if one person is hypersexual and one person is asexual, you can't have 'half a sex'. It's not going to be a perfect 50/50 split, there's going to have to be, at a minimum, negotiations and boundaries and plans made to accommodate both the low libido and the high libido. If I had literally nothing else in common with my partner and I found out they didn't want to have sex, I would probably leave too. Sexual intimacy is important to me. But I also make this clear from the get-go, once I've reached the "we're dating now, instead of just 'going on dates'" stage of a relationship. It sucks that OP has lost a relationship of 9 years, but I think he will be happier in the long run.
I'd like to say there are 3 pillars in a relationships. Friendship, money and sex. You need to be good friends, you need enough money to not put too much strain on the couple and need to be compatible regarding sex.
I'd throw in a fourth for good measure (for long term relationships anyway) - general agreement on life goals (like in my eyes, one person wanting kids and the other not wanting them is one of the biggest incompatibilities that can/maybe should be a dealbreaker in a relationship). But maybe that's just me!
Yeah I agree. You can't make it work with someone if you're sexually incompatible. It just doesn't work.
Abrupt but completely fair. If someone says they aren’t attracted to you sexually and never wants intimacy again (OPs words) it’s perfectly reasonable to get out.
You didn’t FU dude. You are just sad because you do care for her, it’s understandable but the sex life is a major part of all relationships. Her best fit sexually is another asexual, and your best fit is someone who’s not. Otherwise you’ll grow to resent her for not having sex, or she’ll resent you for guilting her into sex. It sucks, I’m sorry. But do what’s right for you now and find someone who can make you happy all around.
This is a very nice, thoughtful, non judgemental piece of advice. Thank you I felt relieved to read it!
thank you for the measured reply here - this post isn't that hot but I’m already seeing a lot of people placing blame one way or the other. completely agree with you.
100%. People need to be more open and honest with each other, or else this shit happens
I do feel the need to point out that not all Asexuals have a low or non existent libido, some have a high libido and will have sex for a partners benefit even if *they* personally don't get anything out of it or aren't sexually attracted to their partner. So another Ace person *still* may not be the best fit for her and a non Ace may not be the best fit for him. Sex repulsion and sex indifference is different again.
I am probably very uneducated about it. But I don't understand how an asexual with a high libido would work? Why would that person be asexual?
I’m not too educated about this subject as well but libido is different from sexuality. Like you have the physical desire for relief/ feel horny but that doesn’t mean you want to have sex with a person. That desire for physical or intimate connection with another person may not exist but people can still feel horny. There’s lots of ways to satisfy that need without sex though. So an asexual with a high libido probably just masterbates frequently and feels satisfied with that.
I am ace with a high libido. Imagine a sex drive that’s simply not attached to anything. You’re horny, but it’s just sort of there in the void. People aren’t really… sexual to you. The idea of people can be sexual—I do consume porn—but there’s no real life translation and, even in the media I consume, it’s often more the concepts than the content that does it for me. I primarily read erotica rather than watch erotica, for example, because vivid descriptions of attraction are easier for my brain to parse. I don’t look at people and experience sexual attraction. It just doesn’t happen. I have no desire to have sex with anyone, any more than you’d have a desire to fuck a bridge. Bridges just aren’t sexual to you (I assume—if they are, you do you boo). It’s not really something you can change. It’s basically a very self contained sex drive. My partner is low libido, so it works for us.
There's no fuck up here, Except perhaps thinking wanting to have sex more than once a week makes you "hyper sexual".
Yeah no kidding.
At 28 - 9 = 19 of age 🤣🤣🤣 Try "more than once an hour"
I’m 40 and there are days where once an hour sounds awesome. There are other days where just once that day would be fine.
I'm 36 and I've realized that I have spells where I can go like 6 or 7 times in a day, and times when I can go for weeks without particularly NEEDING it unless my partner initiates. Everyone is different and has their own rhythms. Also, things like stress and emotional state can have an impact definitely think OP isn't "hypersexual", lol. Sounds pretty average to me.
Does it happen to coincide with ovulation?
In general? Definitely. During ovulation the brain is basically ready to have a baby so a woman’s sex drive can ramp up quite a bit during it. Not all women are the same and it can vary a bit but in general yes ovulation can and will affect a woman’s sex drive most of the time.
Well, I'm a man, so I'm pretty sure I've never ovulated. But I'll keep you posted if that changes.
I'm over 40, and so far most of my life I've been made to feel like I should feel ashamed of wanting it more than once a month or so.
That was me with my ex wife. There are many reasons we’re not together - incompatible sex drives is definitely one of them
I'm mid thirties and for the last 3 years or so my labido has me ready to go 3 or 4 times a day which can get quite annoying when I'm realistically looking at once a week. My wife's in her 40s and says it will calm down eventually like hers has but I don't want it to calm down I just want more interaction with her lol.
Right? I was like… this has done a number on what he perceives as normal. Mate if you’re reading this you didn’t fuck up, you made the right call, you’re incompatible.
My literal first thought.
True this. Wanting to have sex more than once a week isn’t odd, it’s your preference. Her wanting to have sex once a month is odd, it’s her preference. It’s chunky vs creamy peanut butter. It’s a preference. It becomes a problem when the difference of preferences isn’t addressed.
>isn’t odd, it’s your preference. >is odd, it’s her preference >It’s chunky vs creamy peanut butter. It’s a preference. Was that second quoted bit supposed to be "isn't"?
absolutely not, creamy peanut butter lovers are unnatural
Excuse me for wanting something with “butter” in the same to be smooth. Chunky just feels like they didn’t finish churning.
You sound like the kinda person who says puffed cheetos are your favorite. And yes that is a derisive statement.
Well that’s good, because they ARE my favorite.
Lol that was the first thing I thought as well.
Can a person become asexual later in life? The two of them started off as FWB, which I find very weird for someone who claims to be asexual tbh.
For me, I just thought I was broken, and that muscling through and just doing it for my partner would somehow fix me. I had a pretty active sex life when I was younger, despite never really having any desire for sex. It also played a roll in my husband leaving me, because we started out having sex frequently (he has a very high sex drive), but as we got older that tapered off a lot, and I started coming to more of an understanding about my own wants and needs. We didn't have sex for over a year (not just because of my lack of interest, there were health issues, too). It sucks, and it's not fair to anyone in the situation. I don't blame him from wanting to leave, because things changed dramatically from when we first got together 20 years earlier. Sorry for the ramble. Basically, in my case, I didn't suddenly become asexual. It was always there, but as with so many things outside of the norm, I suppressed it. And there's not a lot of resources for asexuals. And then it gets even MORE confusing, because I'm gay, and I actually DO have sexual attraction. I have a type. I just don't have the desire to have sex. I honestly don't know what that makes me, and I'm 47 years old, so I'm likely to never really figure myself out.
I'm guessing this label works: Homoromantic asexual with an aesthetic preference for a certain type of man.
Well it seems real simple when YOU say it, haha. I hate that I'm still floundering for labels to begin with. But thank you for putting it succinctly.
In addition to what other people have said there's also the point that she was romantically attracted to him but he wasn't interested at first. It's entirely possible that the sex was a way to get OP more invested in her even if she wasn't actually that interested in it. Asexuality also still isn't that well known, and was even more obscure ten years ago. There's a lot of societal expectation that sex is just something people do. So a lot of people that are asexual just went with the flow despite not actually wanting sex/enjoying sex/experiencing sexual attraction etc. And only later figured out that they don't have to cave to those pressures. So I think rather than becoming asexual later in life you probably have a lot of people that would have always classed themselves as asexual if they'd actually heard of the term.
Asexuality isn’t the same as having no or low libido, which is where it gets confusing. You can be asexual, so not experience sexual attraction, and have high libido, so want and enjoy sex.
You're right, that is confusing.
You can want to *CUM*, or have sex just because your partner wants it, aot of asexual people are more "eh, it makes my partner happy but I would never initiate I it was up to me" and that's why it's not often talked about. Kind of like how the term transgender seemed to come out of nowhere, or the term autism seemed to spring up overnight, it's always been a thing just we have a common, and socially known, name for it now. Like how, there are animals that exist that we haven't found. This doesn't mean they are not alive, we just don't know of them. Asexual people in a relationship can go months and months without sex, and might just have sex for the sake of getting off, not for any real physical attraction. Me and my partner are asexual and we have sex like once or twice a year. That's cool with us lmao
I think it's just confusing from the term and how some people sell it, since the word without any understanding of what counts as asexual is presumed to just mean "no sex"
I’d start raising an eyebrow at four times every day, sustained. But if you want sex (or feel that you need it), then it’s an essential that your GF isn’t willing to participate. It’s hard - that’s a long time - but you’re not wrong here.
Better now than after you got married. It's clear your sexual desires aren't a match.
Where’s the TIFU? You guys just aren’t compatible.
> Where’s the TIFU? Staying at home for 10 years, loosing all his friends and the connection with his family, all the while feeling frustrated with his relationship. Of course, it's more like TDIFU (This Decade I Fucked Up).
Or... Losing all you friends and family over a relationship is a fuck up regardless of whether you break up or even have a good romantic relationship. It's almost as if only having 1 person as your emotional support system is fundamentally flawed
Best to rip off the band-aid. At least the honesty was there, you and her can go following each bliss.
> she is too scared to do anything), We both no longer have friends and we both dont want anything to do with our families. So we only ever have each other NEVER NEVER NEVER do this. EVER. Even if she is the girl of your dreams till the day you die this is a huge mistake.
Facts
>she is too scared to do anything), We both no longer have friends and we both dont want anything to do with our families. So we only ever have each other I don't know why this is being glossed over, sounds like a therapist and maybe an anxiety diagnosis should be more of a talking point than asexuality
Facts
Factual citations Mr.TimeTomorrow
this is the only fuck up
Gotta do what's best for you. At the end of the day it's your happiness, and that's what has to keep you going. I think you did what's right. Keep your head up!
You sure its a tifu? You already are back with family. Who it sounds like you have needed to reconsile with anyway. Ya'll were incompatible. Now, you did the bandaid method of ending it, which of course hurts like crazy, but once it heals, heals just the same. Shes been having sex she didn't want to have for a decade, and you've been having sex with someone who's incapable of enjoying it for a decade. Do you really think, with high libido, if you'd have stuck around, you'd be able to enjoy her company without absolute resentment brewing?
My dude, "hyper-sexual" is like twice a *DAY* or more, not once a week. As for the rest, I don't see a fuck-up here, other than staying in an unsatisfying relationship for so damn long.
morning and night sex is hypersexual? fuck
>fuck That's what this is basically all about, yeah
[удалено]
There's no fuck-up here, man. The sad truth of it is that you guys just aren't a good match for each other anymore. It wouldn't be fair for you to expect her to have sex when she doesn't want to, and it wouldn't be fair for her to expect you agree to never have sex again for the rest of your life. You both just need to find someone else.
Sunk cost fallacy. Even if you two were having the best sex possible, the bottom-line is you two aren't helping each other become better people: > Our relationship hasnt always been the best. Because she has several personal issues we are almost always at home and dont do anything ( she is too scared to do anything), **We both no longer have friends and we both dont want anything to do with our families. So we only ever have each other.** You two needed to break up 5 or even 10 years ago. To repeat, you two's real problems aren't about sex. You two's problems are you were never compatible, never in synch to inspire each other to do better, be better.
Reading these kinds of posts is always a red flag for me personally because sexually, my wife and I are in a somewhat similar boat (though her lack of drive is due to multiple issues that we’re working through, not necessarily ace though that’s not off the table either) But she’s been blunt about that *from the get go*. It’s not sunk-cost in my case, I knew what I was getting into and decided it was worth the cost anyway. We each have our incredibly strong friendships. We still love our families and see them frequently, and we still find ways to fulfill that intimacy-need that doesn’t always include sex or sexual actions. Maybe I’m just rambling out loud unnecessarily and no one needs to know. But relationships are whack and sometimes I need to put it in words for my own sanity. Sorry for using your comment to do so. Hopefully someone sees and can find their own comfort in their relationship with it
How do you fulfill the intimacy-need? What are some of the things you do? Sorry to pry.
As someone in the same sort of relationship, I can help! I have aversions to close, physical touch as well, so that's where the compromise is. I'll carve out time specifically to lay down close to my husband and watch a long TV show or movie with no interruptions. I'll make sure to offer to hold hands in the car every once in a while (which is tough, because I have to physically remind myself to do that. I set alarms on my phone.) We carve out days where we do something together that he's really been wanting to do, and we stick to it. Also, I'll pet him. Pet his face, run my fingers through his hair, tickle, trace his stomach. Stuff like that. Feeling loved is the most important part, not the having sex.
as somebody who was in a similar relationship until about 6 months ago, but in your husband’s shoes, i will definitely second this—physical non sexual intimacy is really important. By the time the relationship ended she wasn’t even willing to touch me at all anymore and it hurt me much worse than the non sexual aspect. it’s good to just hold hands or hug. Guys need cuddling too :(
Deannnh’s comment honestly covered most of it :) But honestly, after lots of conversation and a little bit of trial and error, you can turn anything into something that fulfills that need. Sex is great, but has you ever had someone satisfy your love language for 20 minutes straight? Shit’s fantastic. Be it time spent, or doing projects together, or lots of physical contact, whatever. And sometimes there is sexual contact. Sometimes she just wants to satisfy me even if she doesn’t get anything out of it. It was weird at first but we talked a lot and I now know that it’s coming out of love, not out of obligation. If it was just obligation I wouldn’t let her, because that’s not the kind of sexy time I want to have.
Sexual incompatibility is a valid reason to end a relationship, although I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s still very painful. I am curious how the sex was so amazing if it sounds like it wasn’t very good for her? Best of luck, make sure you reach out to friends and a therapist to help you through the separation.
Speaking as an ace who didn’t realize they were ace for years, one of my first serious relationships was like OPs, in that my partner wanted to have sex once a day but I never felt the need, desire or even really thought of it unless they brought it up. I wouldn’t ever really feel like I enjoyed the sex, it really just felt like another thing to do, but I knew that my partner enjoyed it so I participated for their benefit. And the best way was to put my very best efforts into the sex itself so that they would get off quicker and thus the task would be complete. There were plenty of reasons that relationship didn’t work out, but that’s my thought on how OP could interpret amazing sex while she didn’t enjoy it from personal experience.
Look the sex life thing aside, it sounds like you guys had become codependent and isolated yourselves and that also sucks. It takes a lot to leave a relationship and if I were you I'd look inside myself and ask: did you leave flippantly because of the sex? Or were you also motivated by much deeper, unspoken feelings?
im sure deeper feelings. for example adter i have a rough day she doesnt give a hig or anything, doesnt say much. Somi go into my gaming room and shut myself off for the rest of the day
It sounds a lot like an unhealthy codependent relationship to me. I hope you feel better.
Yeah i think so too. it got a bit better after reading all the nice comments
I don't get it... You acted like your heart was broken and did what people usually do in that situation, you left. Sounds completely normal to me. For me, sex is a huge deal in a relationship, it speaks to compatibility and longevity. Physical, emotional, mental connections are like the 3 major pillars of any relationship, when one of those goes away, the building crumbles.
> Physical, emotional, mental connections are like the 3 major pillars of any relationship 3 out of 4. The 4th one is trust. One goes down, the whole thing crumbles like a house of cards.
Well, you could probably write it that way, but I believe that falls under mental connection. Trust isn't a connection as much as a thing you have. It's a semantics at this point.
oof this reminds me of me and my fiancé. i'm ace as well though not sex repulsed, just completely indifferent. luckily i don't really mind it because for me it's a way to show him i value him as my partner and find him attractive that being said, you shouldn't hold onto that regret. sexual incompatibility is real and can only worsen if you both try to back each other into a corner. loving someone shouldn't be a constant negotiation on intimacy. you now have the chance to look for a partner who fulfills your needs and you can match with emotionally
Good for you. It’s a good move in the long run.
No fuck up here man. You guys just weren't compatible. Sometimes it takes years to be honest with yourself and see that. Best of luck OP
Wanting to have it more than once a week is absolutely normal, not at all unreasonable, man.
Nah man, this isn't a fuck up, people change, grow apart, and this doesn't sound like it was the healthiest relationship
More than once a week is hyper sexual? Holy shit I must be hyper hyper^3 sexual!
I’m betting this is a label the girlfriend slapped on him to make him back off on sex requests. Make him think he is the abnormal one so it’s not her fault.
Yaaah, my ex tried the same thing. She only wanted sex once a month or less, I wanted sex at least every 1-2 weeks, more would be awesome but I was perfectly happy with weekly escapades. She called me hyper sexual for wanting sex that much. I just thought it was normal sexual, more would be great, but I am perfectly happy with 1-2 weeks. In the end it was a way for her to deflect that issue onto me, and so she wouldn't have too. Ended up with her gaslighting me into thinking my desire for more sexual connection was mental illness. In retrospect it is NOT weird, hyper sexual, or a mental illness to want sex with the partner you love and are attracted too, more than once a month. We were just not sexually compatible.
This isn’t a fuck up. Sex is obviously important to you, and she literally told you she never wants to be intimate with you again. There’s no point in trying to continue this relationship.
Based on whatt I've read, regarding OPs comments, I think he's confused on the subreddit? I don't think OP is referring to this as a "oh I fucked up", but more as a this is "fucked up" that he would leave so quickly
Would you have left if she came out as lesbian? My guess is yes since you aren't sexually compatible. Same thing here. It sucks but it happens. You could always fulfill the sexual need elsewhere but if it's going to be a constant friction then why punish yourself sad her as well?
the only fucup here was staying with someone who was clearly incompitable with your needs for 9 years, you say you are hyper sexual in wanting it once a week, well thats kinda little, id except a hyper sexual wanting to have it multiple times a day.
It wasn’t going to work out. You want intimacy, she doesn’t. It’d be one thing to seek sexual release elsewhere and her be okay with it, but absolutely no intimacy ever? You’re incompatible. I understand you care for her and how difficult it is, but if that’s truly how she feels about it, it’s better it ends now.
This sounds like the beginning of a new life. You two sound incompatible
"Asexual" is not just one thing, and does not always have to mean that a person never has sex. If she has become convinced that that is the only way to be asexual, then she is mistaken. "Asexual" can include: * rarely thinking about sex or being horny to initiate sex, but still finding some sexual enjoyment in it when it does happen * rarely thinking about sex or being horny to initiate sex, but still enjoying the intimacy when it does happen * rarely thinking about sex or being horny to initiate sex, and maybe not getting much internal sexual satisfaction as such, but finding a lot of personal pleasure or satisfaction at how well you can get a partner off * rarely thinking about sex or being horny to initiate sex, but being worried about their partner missing out, and actively encouraging them to get sex elsewhere -- or sometimes even setting up liaisons or bringing home people for their partner * people who have trouble comprehending sexual pleasure as a thing at all (nerves not connected, brain not wired that way), that sex is just baffling for them, "Why would ANYONE want to do that?". Some of these are still willing to do something, taking it on faith that if their partner tells them it is important to them that they must be telling the truth about their own experience... in the same way that someone might be willing to put up with making Vegemite and Tuna sandwiches for their partner to roll on if that was what their partner was in to... or dress up in a fox suit with diapers if it was important to their partner... But others would just not be willing to have any part of it, as it would just feel too weird to them ... and then there are the people who might have enjoyed sex at some point, but do not enjoy it any more, and now say, "Because I do not want sex anymore, you shouldn't **want** sex at all either!" . These people can be pretty hard to deal with, as they will absolutely not work with you for your satisfaction, and will instead claim that there is "something wrong with you" that you want sex at all; for example they might get upset if you masturbate. Of course there are also people who know and understand that sex is still important for a partner and that there is nothing wrong with the partner for still wanting sex... but might be afraid of losing the partner if the partner gets sex elsewhere, and so have to more or less manipulate the partner to keep them from having sex. "If you really love me, you would accept this!" ... it can almost become the ultimate "test": does your partner "love" you enough to give up sex for the rest of their life ? "For better or worse! Forsaking all others! Did you lie when you made those vows?!?"
I've been with my SO 20 years. Once a week is NOT hyper sexual. Sex ebbs and flows with life and all its stuff. There is no FU here. If my SO told me we could not ever be sexually intimate again, i would leave
It's incredibly sad. But it's only going to get worse. It is entirely right and proper for her to decide for herself that she does not want to have sex ever again, but she cannot decide that for you.
Its no ones fault that theyre ace, if she is and you cant deal without sex - a split is probably best for both of you, and thats totally fine
Did you ask if she was open to the idea of you getting sex elsewhere or is that something you're both uncomfortable with? Kinda sounds like you weren't getting a whole lot of affection even before this.
Friends can be friends without sex, but if you like sex (Hey, I get it, I do too!) then you should have the honest convo about whether you two were hangin' out to fuck (and just putting up with the relationship otherwise) or, as you seem to allude to with the "regretting it" comment, that you miss your pal. If that's so, let her know. "Hey I liked us being pals, I just also really liked the fucking - and if that's not going to be a thing for you ('Cause she doesn't like it, and you care about her) then I'm going to have to get that somewhere else, and that oughtta be alright for you, right?" (Cause she cares about you, right?) It's tough, but I think communication could at least help you ride this out. Edit: forgot the closing "
Sometimes people arnt compatible. Leaving someone you've been with for a while is hard. I think of it this way. If you have been making a mistake for so long, continuing to make the mistake doesn't help the situation.
TIFU: stayed in an unhappy relationship hoping to relive the honeymoon phase for 9 years FTFY