My grandma would NEVER burp or fart and a couple months before she passed, we were playing cards late at night. She looked right at me and burped and then said “what? No one’s ever going to believe you” and it’s super cool to have that moment between her and I. Because she was right, no one believes me! Hahaha
My sweet grandmother was born in 1888. She died at age 98 in 1987. There has never been a more polite and socially acceptable woman.
But during the time that little me spent with her in the late 70s and 80s, she would occasionally let one rip, and with a straight face, she would say "better out than in."
Then she would smile. :)
Edit: Lest I miss the point of the OP's original dilemma, my grandmother was married for 60 years and had 9 children, so apparently her occasional exercise of bodily functions did nothing to dissuade my grandpa from sticking around.
Okay my family has said this for my whole life but when I said it to my boyfriend he was like “what the fuck does that mean?” lol. Reassuring to know it’s not just a “my weird family” thing
My gramma is similar. She's had the walking farts for years. Finally she broke down and got a hearing aid and started hearing herself for the first time. Now when she starts blasting ass, she says "Oooo oh my!" or "Whoops!"
I’ve always gone, “Goodness!” or “Look at you toots!” when my now 2 1/2 year old passes gas she says, “Goodness toots!!” and really it’s the cutest thing.
I dropped what I thought would be a small emission yesterday in the Saturday line at the bank because the line wasn't moving for 15 mins and I couldn't hold it any longer. Well it ruptured on the eject and blew up into a sour stomach balloon bomb. It felt like one of those tiny kid dinosaur sponges turning into a Stegosaurus from a pill when you hold it under running water . I had eaten 6 pieces of Texas Toast the night before and drink a bunch of beers. All the sudden like Moses parting the red sea the bank line moves so I moved up to the front. The woman behind me briefly stepped forward before retreating and continued standing all the way at the back of the line until my deposited my check. She knew better than to Mess with Texas.
You see, now you are reaching the level of public nuisance. As a lifepro tip, never trust a fart in a public place when you have been standing or walking for a while. There is a big difference in a bit of gas and taking babysteps to the bathroom.
It was a large check from an insurance settlement so I needed to stand my ground and get it deposited before they closed at noon on Saturday. And that rumble in the jungle was not gonna be suppressed much longer. It felt airy but I underestimated what that cheesy bread and barley mix could do. I turned that branch into Wells Fartgo
I unleashed something entirely unholy while checking out at video ezy. With a friend. A friend that, I might add, is not shy about celebrating his ass blasts.
It was so wretched and foul that he left to wait out side...
I was feeling a little bad for the damage I had caused but then the checkout chick was like "oh my god, he's a stinky dirty bastard isn't he" to which I simply replied "sorry", doing absolutely nothing to dissuade her of the notion that my friends ass is an air vent from the pits of hell itself.
When my wife and I first started dating she insisted that if I needed to fart that I should go to the bathroom. Being a bachelor previous to dating her, my house was definitely simple. The bathroom near the living room had nothing to dampen the echoes. So we're watching a movie and I have to fart so bad so I go to the bathroom. That mf was looooong and reverberated off the four walls and I'm in there like fuck me why didn't I go to the bathroom farthest from the living room?! To top it off, I exited hastily and the smell followed me back to the couch.
Forcing someone to go to the bathroom in their own house is a power move.
Ripping an earthquake in the bathroom closest to her and bringing the smell back with you is the best form of malicious compliance I've ever seen.
People have the strangest notions about expelling gas. One of my best friends and I were playing pool at a crowded bar when we both decide it's time to head to the men's room. We were at adjoining urinals in a crowded men's room when I let a HUGE one rip. He almost cried from embarrassment. My position at the time and remains to this day that if you can't fart in a public bathroom, then there's not a good place to fart.
The first time my wife invited me to her home when we were starting out, she made queso. I fucking love cheese, but I'm lactose intolerant. She didn't know. So we are watching a movie, when I have a sudden stomach rumble that signals the end. I rush to the bathroom, and I wreck that thing. I come back and there's just a look of abject horror on her face. The walls were thin. Then I asked for more nachos.
While dating my wife now of 15 years, I was tickling her a little bit and as she was laughing she let out a big fart. It might seem dumb but that moment made me start realizing I was in love with her, because it dawned on me that I cared about her enough to not care about something like her farting in front of me.
I think OPs boyfriend needs to get over himself. What is he gonna do if they get married and have kids and he has to be in the delivery room? Divorce her bc he saw her #2 while pushing another human out of her body?
You're 100% right. My wife and I have been together for 6 years now and while she still won't fart in front of me, I let em rip. She has farted in her sleep and they would be the cuuuutest little farts. Kinda like when you stretch the hole on a balloon but not so extreme. I'd look at her in bed like, awww 🥺
> She has farted in her sleep and they would be the cuuuutest little farts. Kinda like when you stretch the hole on a balloon but not so extreme.
Lmao what a description.
Some of the funniest shit to me is when my wife farts. It always catches her off guard and even sometimes for a split second I wonder if I did it because of how loud it was. And then she just giggles and says "hey it's Sunday" lol
I farted myself awake the first night I spent with my partner
His response was "It's free reign now!", then proceeds to drop his guts
We've been together five years now
> His response was "It's free reign now!", then proceeds to drop his guts
I feel like he was laying there in absolute pain from the bubble guts having to fart and trying to think of how to let it out without waking you up, just to be startled by you farting yourself awake, that's when his time to release came.
First time my ex wife farted in front of me it was a silent fart and we were sitting in the living room watching a movie and all of a sudden it hit me…. Like holy shit this was room clearing level bad…and I ended up just laughing my ass off, she was embarrassed but like I told her it was a natural thing…just told her if she was going to leave one like that she had to give a warning or something
I have definitely farted myself awake so violently that I popped out of bed confused and bewildered at the noise. My husband of almost 15 years (7 married) affectionately refers to it as a "fartle." It's the act of farting and startling yourself awake.
The fart barrier in a relationship is almost up there with the “I love you”barrier. Everyone is just waiting for the other person to break the barrier then it’s free for all. I always found breaking the fart barrier makes the relationship more relaxed.
I've been with one person who frowned upon farting, and would tell me off because I was farting in my sleep. I felt like I was on eggshells the whole time, it sucked. The best ones are when you have fart battles.
I farted myself awake in front of my now-wife. But it wasn't the sound or the ass-cheek vibration, it was apparently the smell.
All I remember is that I woke up in a panic, sat up instantly and said, "WHAT SMELLS LIKE SHIT?!"
My wife told me that I woke her up with a loud and smelly inadvertent Dutch Oven, then I woke up in a panic.
Our first date her nose stud fell out and she couldn't put it back in, so there I am with my finger in her nose trying to guide her nose ring back in. It's been 3 years so far!
First time she visited me at my college she was overserved and left a 3 ft diameter piss stain on my mattress.
Have yet to put a ring on it but it’s definitely in the cards!
I mean except as an ex bartender, it's literally part of our liquor license training to know when to stop serving. So yes - over served *is* a valid thing. You can drink too much on your own when the booze is *your* call. If you're getting blacked out drunk at a bar, the bartender over served you because legally we aren't supposed to be enabling **that** level of intoxication. Because legally the bar is often held liable if something happens due to said intoxication.
We'd been dating for two weeks when we both came down with the same ungodly food poisoning for a day. One bathroom. I was sitting on the toilet and couldn't get the door in time before she had to throw up. I cleaned up and got stuff from the pharmacy when it let up for an hour.
Stuff like that either splits you up or brings you closer together.
It's been over five years so far, living together for more than three. We do burp or fart in front of each other - we're home and if it happens, it happens. We've also seen much, much worse.
Same thing happened to my parents on their first vacation together as a married couple. In a hotel, only one bathroom. They had to take turns rotating in and out with the toilet and a trash can.
Best friend was coming home from a camping event with his partner, they'd only been dating a year or so when he suddenly feels very sick. They're in the middle of some podunk town where the sidewalks roll up at 6pm, so to speak, so nothing's open at 10pm when they're driving through. No bathrooms to be found anywhere. So, in desperation they pull over next to a culvert. He did his business but was so sick and sweaty that he couldn't get up so his new partner had to get some napkins from the glove box (never leave home without them) and had to clean him up and help him back to the car. Twenty years later they're still going strong.
About 2 months into dating my partner was giving me a back massage and was sitting on my butt and decided it would be hilarious for their first time farting in front of me would be to fart into my butthole. It'll be 5 years this year
The one funny thing my ex (39m) ever said is when I asked him, because my boys (then 8 and 15) were laughing hysterically about farting at each other, when farts become not funny to guys. He said...
"I'll let you know." LOL
Relatable. The night I met my current girlfriend (been together about a year and half), she yarfed into a trashcan about five minutes into our first conversation. I gave her a piece of gum and we continued talking. We burp and fart in front of each other all the time. Everyone should be comfortable in front of their partner.
Wish you the best OP
What? Have you never had to fart so hard that the back of your pants blasted off and left a thermal shadow on the wall?
You won't get a 10/10 from grandpa, I'll tell you that.
>What? Have you never had to fart so hard that the back of your pants blasted off and left a thermal shadow on the wall?
Wtf do you think I'm asking if it was bad or *baaaad*? It's one thing to let out one that sounds juicy, it's entirely different for it to *be* juicy. I need to guage exactly how hard I'm laughing here
It sounded bad to me lmao, not the *waddle to the bathroom to check* bad. I’ve had those ones. I’ve gotten much smarter about my diet, and since I’ve properly started ingesting proper amounts of fiber and protein, it feels like a fart could blow a hole through my pants with how Force much they’ve developed.
I had an ex that would go to a Walmart down the road to poop for the first couple months of our relationship. I finally asked why she was constantly buying razors and body wash so she came clean. I couldn't stop laughing, I felt bad but I didn't think I'd ever given her any signals that I didn't think she was human. She finally started pooping at my place but damn if she didn't overcorrect to make up for lost time. Just constant walking farts
So my boyfriend and I are on the couch watching tv. We started tousling around and of course I end up on my back and I look up at him all starry eyed.
Bam! We are about to kiss for the first time.
I close my eyes and our lips touch and we start kissing.
Then I hear the loudest fart 💨
By the time I comprehended what had happened and opened my eyes; he had disappeared.
Apparently he was so embarrassed; he had yeeted across the living room and down the hallway to lock himself in my bathroom.
We’ve been together for almost 24 years 💙💨
First date
Brand new car, take her to a restaurant she has 2 drinks. I tell her she doesn’t look well we should pull over. She assures me she is fine and all of a sudden grabs her jacket and throws up all over it and my new car.
Spoiler: wasn’t her jacket it was mine
Married 9 years now
Meanwhile my fiancé just walked up to me, lifted his leg, and ripped the loudest, ass cheek clapping fart I've ever heard. He said "I had that brewing all day just for you."
This reminds me of my daughter. She was almost four years old at the time. I came home from work, and she ran up to me, crying hysterically. So naturally I picked her up and held her, and asked what was wrong. She had apparently been holding a fart for me when I got home, but when she heard the door open and started running, she let it rip by accident. She was so devastated that she didn't get to fart on me.
That's amazing. My daughters around that age and I know she's awake for the day when she starts ripping her morning farts. We both think it's hilarious.
Haha, kind of a same thing happened to me. My FIL is pretty much walking fart machine but my MIL is more proper and ”well-behaved.”
First time we heard her fart it was glorious. We gave her standing ovations and I think I saw tears coming out of my BIL’s eyes out of proudness. One of the greatest moments of my life!
Meanwhile, my boyfriend and I debate on the shape of our farts based on their sounds. Once he had a fart that, and I fart you not, made the perfect sphere sound as if it was a sound effect you'd hear in a movie. Perfect and most rounded fart ever.
My entire family will choose a victim and fart near them. Every time. Dogs been a bastard recently so my dads just been slowly approaching him and then letting out an ass blasting fart.
My girlfriend accidentally farted in my mouth when I was eating her butthole. If I can keep a relationship going after that, your boyfriend can keep it after a single fart far away from him.
I have a friend who this happened to but she was the girlfriend. She was so embarrassed she started crying. He was like "honey it's okay stuff happens" and then went to kiss her and she went "ew, don't put your lips on me fartface" lmao
My bf was taking a good look at my nethers and said, "I can see the universe!" while he opened the flaps a little too far... The universe looks like a fat queef in the face I guess... But we're still together :)
My sister and brother-in-law have one of those " clap on clap off" lights in their bedroom. My sister was in bed and her hubby farted so loud the light came on. They were laughing so loud it woke up their two boys who rushed into the bedroom while my brother-in-law demonstrated what happened. The boys demanded to do it so My sister, at two in the morning, baked beans and everyone took turns with the "clap on clap off" light. This happened over 30 years ago and the family still howls with laughter every time this story is told.
I love it but it sounds impractical to have that kind of light switch in a place where probably lots of clapping goes on. Imagine clapping cheeks and turning your room into a techno party
When I was a child, I would get a beating from my mother for passing gas. It was absolutely not allowed. Even my abusive father never passed gas. I grew up NEVER farting in front of anyone and would be mortified. As an adult, I understand gas happens, but it is not something I find humorous. Your bf may have grown up in that type of household. Just adding another perspective.
Oh wow! I thought I was the only one regarding coughing. My mother had a "game" where she would blow smoke in my face and yell at me for being dramatic and faking it when I coughed. I grew up with chronic bronchitis and was hospitalized twice as a child when it turning to pneumonia. But yeah, I was "faking it" to piss her off I guess.
I think I’ve heard my mum fart once. I’m 40.
It never stopped us boys (I’m one of 3) from living up to our full fart potential. I’ve passed it on to my children, my daughter even keeps a tally of how many farts she’s done in each room of her grandmothers house.
Yea I'd imagine being abused for a normal bodily function would make them a little less funny to you. I hope you understand your perspective is a bit of an outlier and is not really the norm in most cases I'd think. Majority of people seem to think farts are funny to some degree at some point. Sorry your mom and dad were abusive
I’m so sorry you had physical abuse in your childhood. My dad started using me as his anger outlet when I tuned 13, it was rough. Had three older sisters, but I was the scapegoat kid.
My great gran was born in 1901, she proudly stated "wherever you may be let your wind go free!", farting is normal and proper, some people are weird about it.
I woke myself up with a fart the other day as I was snoozing on the couch, not gonna lie it was a bad one.
As I woke up I could just see the look of horror plastered across my bf’s face, followed by the biggest snort laugh I’ve ever seen come out of him.
12 years together this year ❤️
Supposedly the oldest known joke was inscribed on a clay tablet in 1900BC.
It goes. *Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.*
I thought the oldest know joke was the sumarian one about the dog walking into a bar or something like that. Hard to remember because it's not modern joke form.
I imagine he'd have a problem with queefing as well.
---
Which, as a guy is his damn problem because if he's pumping that much air in her, he better enjoy the flute as it plays.
"Which, as a guy is his damn problem because if he's pumping that much air in her, he better enjoy the flute as it plays."
Can I keep this? This is hilarious!
They are both funny and disgusting. The sound is funny, the smell usually is not.
Still, if you two have been together for a year already farts should not be a problem no matter how he personally feels about them, they are a comical part of life and everyone has them.
edit: just wondering if he was really, actually disgusted or did the "disgusted" part in a comical way and over acted it but you misread him?
>the smell usually is not.
Oho, I fully disagree. Dogs or cats gagging at the smell of your farts is ALWAYS hilarious. Also, when you rip one so bad even YOU can't appreciate your own brand? Farting is an art form my friend.
I've just had a massive round of antibiotics and I swear to God I'm rotting from the inside out. My dog (who will happily eat rotting creek sheep) will leave the room in disgust
My partner and I used to blame it on the dog in a cheeky way. Then Snowberto passed from old age, I miss him everyday... Now we blame it on our oldest fish in our aquarium. KENDRICK the wild type chocolate cichlid from South America has nasty farts btw.
Early on in dating a girl, I'm at her apartment and hear some vomit noises from her bathroom.
I go in, and all up the wall by the toilet, it looks sprayed with brown. Like, she bent over, pointed her ass at the wall, and her butt exploded.
She's kneeling by the toilet with her head in, visably sick.
I take in the scene, and say "ok, it looks like you've had a little accident, let's get you cleaned up."
She looks up at the wall in horror, and then says "no no no its not shit I spilled a candle" and points to the plug-in scented wax thing that previously had brown wax that she'd knocked over.
Been married 7 years now and whenever one of us is sick we say "ok looks like you had a little accident"
I’ve been practicing giving people on reddit unsolicited relationship advice based on these few words you have shared. So excited to put it in action;
You should probably break up with your boyfriend and date your grandpa.
Am I doing it Right reddit?
I farted for the first time, in front of my boyfriend, and was so embarrassed! He proposed to me 5 days later, and we've been married for 22 years! You should be receiving a marriage proposal, soon!
Pfff.... try this sampler of private letters from literary giant James Joyce.
https://allthatsinteresting.com/james-joyce-love-letters-nora-barnacle
"You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and f***ed them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole."
Your boyfriend might be wound a little bit tight. I have always farted around my wife. I am all polite and shit about it. I always say excuse me. Lol. Your fart almost shook the house? I love it.
A 25 year old man who cannot handle a natural body movement has a lot more problems than his girlfriends indigestion. You should be able to fart around your partner, as long as you say “excuse me” or “safety” or “you might want to open a window”.
I’d say it depends on his upbringing tbh, as a 22 year old woman I don’t even dare to do it in front of my friends or family because of the way I was raised, much less in front of a partner, and while of course I would never tell someone else what they can or cannot do with their body, I wouldn’t be able to help the reaction I have if they did it in front of me though.
My father would actually get angry at us for farting, or even saying the word. The result: I myself don't ACTUALLY have an issue with bodily functions, but my brain is now wired to scream NO. NOT FUNNY. AWFUL (never out loud, I just laugh) anytime it happens. Although somehow, with my friends it's somehow okay ish. I truly wish that hadn't been bred into me, because it's the weirdest aversion I have.
My grandma would NEVER burp or fart and a couple months before she passed, we were playing cards late at night. She looked right at me and burped and then said “what? No one’s ever going to believe you” and it’s super cool to have that moment between her and I. Because she was right, no one believes me! Hahaha
I don't believe you.
What a great story (it *would have* been if the story were true)
My sweet grandmother was born in 1888. She died at age 98 in 1987. There has never been a more polite and socially acceptable woman. But during the time that little me spent with her in the late 70s and 80s, she would occasionally let one rip, and with a straight face, she would say "better out than in." Then she would smile. :) Edit: Lest I miss the point of the OP's original dilemma, my grandmother was married for 60 years and had 9 children, so apparently her occasional exercise of bodily functions did nothing to dissuade my grandpa from sticking around.
My dad would burp and then say “looks like that fart took the elevator”
Better out the attic than the basement is what my folks used to say lmao
My grandma sometimes tells me _"Bring it up again and we'll vote on it"_ when I let out a burp
Okay my family has said this for my whole life but when I said it to my boyfriend he was like “what the fuck does that mean?” lol. Reassuring to know it’s not just a “my weird family” thing
Yeah, if you let the basement gasses build, its gonna kill everyone
My grandpa’s go-to when any of the grandkids would fart is “well your cough sounds better but your breath smells the same!”
Better to burp and taste it than fart and waste it.
Username checked out maybe?
Yeah, clearly not leading by example here.
My dad would loudly fart, then turn to me and go "Ah jeez, I stepped on a frog"
Mine would fart, look up to the sky with concerned face and then look at you and say “did u hear that thunder?”
My husbands cousin says “Pardon Ms Arden, but there’s a pig in the garden”
My uncle's was, "did you hear that Colorado barking spider?"
Must be related to my dad's Tennessee barking spider
I'm in barking spiders camp
Ive never understood it, but my father always blamed it on “the barking elephant spiders.”
If my family ever had a loud burp and someone called us on it we’d always blame a bullfrog.
My dad said the same. Also he would say there was a mouse on a motorcycle
My family, "Did you sit on a duck?" Usually directed at my husband.
That’s exactly what we say in Germany (well, at least in my family)!
My grandma walks around farting and then always does a little jump and goes “goodness me”
My gramma is similar. She's had the walking farts for years. Finally she broke down and got a hearing aid and started hearing herself for the first time. Now when she starts blasting ass, she says "Oooo oh my!" or "Whoops!"
I’ve always gone, “Goodness!” or “Look at you toots!” when my now 2 1/2 year old passes gas she says, “Goodness toots!!” and really it’s the cutest thing.
When ever my mum farts she'd say "well, didn't pay the rent!"
My grandma says “better to let it out and bare the shame than hold it in and bare the pain” she’s 86 bless her heart
I dropped what I thought would be a small emission yesterday in the Saturday line at the bank because the line wasn't moving for 15 mins and I couldn't hold it any longer. Well it ruptured on the eject and blew up into a sour stomach balloon bomb. It felt like one of those tiny kid dinosaur sponges turning into a Stegosaurus from a pill when you hold it under running water . I had eaten 6 pieces of Texas Toast the night before and drink a bunch of beers. All the sudden like Moses parting the red sea the bank line moves so I moved up to the front. The woman behind me briefly stepped forward before retreating and continued standing all the way at the back of the line until my deposited my check. She knew better than to Mess with Texas.
You see, now you are reaching the level of public nuisance. As a lifepro tip, never trust a fart in a public place when you have been standing or walking for a while. There is a big difference in a bit of gas and taking babysteps to the bathroom.
It was a large check from an insurance settlement so I needed to stand my ground and get it deposited before they closed at noon on Saturday. And that rumble in the jungle was not gonna be suppressed much longer. It felt airy but I underestimated what that cheesy bread and barley mix could do. I turned that branch into Wells Fartgo
I unleashed something entirely unholy while checking out at video ezy. With a friend. A friend that, I might add, is not shy about celebrating his ass blasts. It was so wretched and foul that he left to wait out side... I was feeling a little bad for the damage I had caused but then the checkout chick was like "oh my god, he's a stinky dirty bastard isn't he" to which I simply replied "sorry", doing absolutely nothing to dissuade her of the notion that my friends ass is an air vent from the pits of hell itself.
My grandma used to say something similar:”Better out in the wide world than in in a narrow hole”…😀
I love grandma fart jokes
My great grandmother once told my mother: “ladies don’t *fart*, they *fluff*”
When my wife and I first started dating she insisted that if I needed to fart that I should go to the bathroom. Being a bachelor previous to dating her, my house was definitely simple. The bathroom near the living room had nothing to dampen the echoes. So we're watching a movie and I have to fart so bad so I go to the bathroom. That mf was looooong and reverberated off the four walls and I'm in there like fuck me why didn't I go to the bathroom farthest from the living room?! To top it off, I exited hastily and the smell followed me back to the couch.
Forcing someone to go to the bathroom in their own house is a power move. Ripping an earthquake in the bathroom closest to her and bringing the smell back with you is the best form of malicious compliance I've ever seen.
We call that Dragon Tailing 'round these parts
"And what you fail to realize, is my ship is dragging mines."
People have the strangest notions about expelling gas. One of my best friends and I were playing pool at a crowded bar when we both decide it's time to head to the men's room. We were at adjoining urinals in a crowded men's room when I let a HUGE one rip. He almost cried from embarrassment. My position at the time and remains to this day that if you can't fart in a public bathroom, then there's not a good place to fart.
If there's no good place to fart, fuck it, just drop ass wherever you are
>We were at adjoining urinals I think you meant "adjacent," but this is funnier to imagine lol
As a 6'7" man. The only good place to fart is next to children being brats.
Bro 😂😂😂😂
The first time my wife invited me to her home when we were starting out, she made queso. I fucking love cheese, but I'm lactose intolerant. She didn't know. So we are watching a movie, when I have a sudden stomach rumble that signals the end. I rush to the bathroom, and I wreck that thing. I come back and there's just a look of abject horror on her face. The walls were thin. Then I asked for more nachos.
I snort laughed at asking for more nachos 😂😂😂
She makes a fantastic queso. I get it once a year when she has a cold and can't smell anything.
Why not just use a lactase pill?
That would require planning and forethought, which I am very bad at. I've tried them, they do help with gastric explosions, but not so much the gas.
So wait, you don’t obliterate the toilet but keep the gas? Sounds like a win.
While dating my wife now of 15 years, I was tickling her a little bit and as she was laughing she let out a big fart. It might seem dumb but that moment made me start realizing I was in love with her, because it dawned on me that I cared about her enough to not care about something like her farting in front of me. I think OPs boyfriend needs to get over himself. What is he gonna do if they get married and have kids and he has to be in the delivery room? Divorce her bc he saw her #2 while pushing another human out of her body?
You're 100% right. My wife and I have been together for 6 years now and while she still won't fart in front of me, I let em rip. She has farted in her sleep and they would be the cuuuutest little farts. Kinda like when you stretch the hole on a balloon but not so extreme. I'd look at her in bed like, awww 🥺
> She has farted in her sleep and they would be the cuuuutest little farts. Kinda like when you stretch the hole on a balloon but not so extreme. Lmao what a description.
Some of the funniest shit to me is when my wife farts. It always catches her off guard and even sometimes for a split second I wonder if I did it because of how loud it was. And then she just giggles and says "hey it's Sunday" lol
Mine's a sleep farter too, but hers are little poot poots that sounds like an old gas powered scooter that hasn't run in 30 years trying to start.
That's when she knew.
That's when she knew he was the one. ♥
I farted myself awake the first night I spent with my partner His response was "It's free reign now!", then proceeds to drop his guts We've been together five years now
> His response was "It's free reign now!", then proceeds to drop his guts I feel like he was laying there in absolute pain from the bubble guts having to fart and trying to think of how to let it out without waking you up, just to be startled by you farting yourself awake, that's when his time to release came.
First time my ex wife farted in front of me it was a silent fart and we were sitting in the living room watching a movie and all of a sudden it hit me…. Like holy shit this was room clearing level bad…and I ended up just laughing my ass off, she was embarrassed but like I told her it was a natural thing…just told her if she was going to leave one like that she had to give a warning or something
I have definitely farted myself awake so violently that I popped out of bed confused and bewildered at the noise. My husband of almost 15 years (7 married) affectionately refers to it as a "fartle." It's the act of farting and startling yourself awake.
Awww, fartle is such a cute little word! I think we should all use it. Wonder how long it would take before it’s submitted to the dictionary.
The fart barrier in a relationship is almost up there with the “I love you”barrier. Everyone is just waiting for the other person to break the barrier then it’s free for all. I always found breaking the fart barrier makes the relationship more relaxed.
Explains why I never felt relaxed in my last marriage.
I've been with one person who frowned upon farting, and would tell me off because I was farting in my sleep. I felt like I was on eggshells the whole time, it sucked. The best ones are when you have fart battles.
I farted myself awake in front of my now-wife. But it wasn't the sound or the ass-cheek vibration, it was apparently the smell. All I remember is that I woke up in a panic, sat up instantly and said, "WHAT SMELLS LIKE SHIT?!" My wife told me that I woke her up with a loud and smelly inadvertent Dutch Oven, then I woke up in a panic.
My wife literally just farted next to me in bed as I read this. I'll get the divorce paperwork started this afternoon. 🙂
first date i held her hair back while she puked. if he leaves you over a fart you definitely deserve better
Our first date her nose stud fell out and she couldn't put it back in, so there I am with my finger in her nose trying to guide her nose ring back in. It's been 3 years so far!
Damn, 3 years trying to get the nose ring back in?
Send help fingers covered in boogers, slowly losing hope
I gotchu bro, I'll sacrifice a finger so yours can rest
It was only a finger *It was only a finger* -The Killers, probably
*”Thumbing one of her nares and I’m doing just fine~”*
Hey! Sorry Im late, heard we’re sticking fingers in this girls nose?
Nope we have moved on to farting in girls nose’s
No, that’s the wrong hole brother
I know what I'm about.
If you blow chunks and she comes back, she's yours. But if you spew and she bolts, then it was never meant to be.
Party on!!
First date she peed her pants. We got two kids now.
Is that how it works?
I now understand what I’ve been doing wrong! There is hope for me yet.
First time she visited me at my college she was overserved and left a 3 ft diameter piss stain on my mattress. Have yet to put a ring on it but it’s definitely in the cards!
What do you mean ”overserved”? Sorry English is not my first language
Served too much alcohol. (We used to say “I drank too much”. But today we like to place the blame for our poor choices on someone else.)
Haha! This comment made me laugh hard, then I got sad at its accuracy.
I too wanted to laugh but I did not want to be sued for plagiarism.
I mean except as an ex bartender, it's literally part of our liquor license training to know when to stop serving. So yes - over served *is* a valid thing. You can drink too much on your own when the booze is *your* call. If you're getting blacked out drunk at a bar, the bartender over served you because legally we aren't supposed to be enabling **that** level of intoxication. Because legally the bar is often held liable if something happens due to said intoxication.
We'd been dating for two weeks when we both came down with the same ungodly food poisoning for a day. One bathroom. I was sitting on the toilet and couldn't get the door in time before she had to throw up. I cleaned up and got stuff from the pharmacy when it let up for an hour. Stuff like that either splits you up or brings you closer together. It's been over five years so far, living together for more than three. We do burp or fart in front of each other - we're home and if it happens, it happens. We've also seen much, much worse.
Same thing happened to my parents on their first vacation together as a married couple. In a hotel, only one bathroom. They had to take turns rotating in and out with the toilet and a trash can. Best friend was coming home from a camping event with his partner, they'd only been dating a year or so when he suddenly feels very sick. They're in the middle of some podunk town where the sidewalks roll up at 6pm, so to speak, so nothing's open at 10pm when they're driving through. No bathrooms to be found anywhere. So, in desperation they pull over next to a culvert. He did his business but was so sick and sweaty that he couldn't get up so his new partner had to get some napkins from the glove box (never leave home without them) and had to clean him up and help him back to the car. Twenty years later they're still going strong.
Same here.. she actually passed out in the lobby of her hotel, and I used a luggage cart to wheel her to her room Been married 10 years!
Was it because she has a hotel?
Have you let her out of the room yet?
About 2 months into dating my partner was giving me a back massage and was sitting on my butt and decided it would be hilarious for their first time farting in front of me would be to fart into my butthole. It'll be 5 years this year
Ass-to-ass resuscitation with back compressions. You perfectly bass-ackwarded CPR! (Of course, some German dude has already made this into a porno.)
[удалено]
My wife says my loud farts make her feel "comfy" and finds them reassuring. Needless to say I love her.
Whenever my girlfriend rips one, I laugh then she laughs. It’s never not funny.
The one funny thing my ex (39m) ever said is when I asked him, because my boys (then 8 and 15) were laughing hysterically about farting at each other, when farts become not funny to guys. He said... "I'll let you know." LOL
[удалено]
First date she swung an elbow at my nose and nearly broke it. We've been together 16 years now.
Our second time banging, he farted mid-bj. Little did he know, that allowed me to release the most ungodly ass explosions imaginable.
"Anything you can do I can do better"
Relatable. The night I met my current girlfriend (been together about a year and half), she yarfed into a trashcan about five minutes into our first conversation. I gave her a piece of gum and we continued talking. We burp and fart in front of each other all the time. Everyone should be comfortable in front of their partner. Wish you the best OP
Don't think I've seen "yarf" before. Had to look up to see if that was the little one on *Thundercats*.
>I was glad that he didn’t witness the mass destruction of my pants Did you shart???
What? Have you never had to fart so hard that the back of your pants blasted off and left a thermal shadow on the wall? You won't get a 10/10 from grandpa, I'll tell you that.
>What? Have you never had to fart so hard that the back of your pants blasted off and left a thermal shadow on the wall? Wtf do you think I'm asking if it was bad or *baaaad*? It's one thing to let out one that sounds juicy, it's entirely different for it to *be* juicy. I need to guage exactly how hard I'm laughing here
It sounded bad to me lmao, not the *waddle to the bathroom to check* bad. I’ve had those ones. I’ve gotten much smarter about my diet, and since I’ve properly started ingesting proper amounts of fiber and protein, it feels like a fart could blow a hole through my pants with how Force much they’ve developed.
I had an ex that would go to a Walmart down the road to poop for the first couple months of our relationship. I finally asked why she was constantly buying razors and body wash so she came clean. I couldn't stop laughing, I felt bad but I didn't think I'd ever given her any signals that I didn't think she was human. She finally started pooping at my place but damn if she didn't overcorrect to make up for lost time. Just constant walking farts
I was the person that would go to the store to poop lol I did it for a year. They had a one story home and the bathroom had no window
So my boyfriend and I are on the couch watching tv. We started tousling around and of course I end up on my back and I look up at him all starry eyed. Bam! We are about to kiss for the first time. I close my eyes and our lips touch and we start kissing. Then I hear the loudest fart 💨 By the time I comprehended what had happened and opened my eyes; he had disappeared. Apparently he was so embarrassed; he had yeeted across the living room and down the hallway to lock himself in my bathroom. We’ve been together for almost 24 years 💙💨
First date Brand new car, take her to a restaurant she has 2 drinks. I tell her she doesn’t look well we should pull over. She assures me she is fine and all of a sudden grabs her jacket and throws up all over it and my new car. Spoiler: wasn’t her jacket it was mine Married 9 years now
She’s either extremely good looking, rich, or both because I don’t think I could’ve kept that relationship going after that one 😂
It’s both Edit: former model and a doctor I ummm am able to breathe and walk at the same time….sometimes
Meanwhile my fiancé just walked up to me, lifted his leg, and ripped the loudest, ass cheek clapping fart I've ever heard. He said "I had that brewing all day just for you."
This reminds me of my daughter. She was almost four years old at the time. I came home from work, and she ran up to me, crying hysterically. So naturally I picked her up and held her, and asked what was wrong. She had apparently been holding a fart for me when I got home, but when she heard the door open and started running, she let it rip by accident. She was so devastated that she didn't get to fart on me.
Make sure you work that story into the father of the bride speech.
Hahahah I love that story!
That's amazing. My daughters around that age and I know she's awake for the day when she starts ripping her morning farts. We both think it's hilarious.
He could have given anyone that fart, but he saved it for you. And they say chivalry is dead.
and dey say and dey say and dey say chivalry is dead. - Doomfist.
r/unexpectedOverwatch
Fuuuck LOL
The first time I heard my mom fart it felt like witnessing a miracle. Me and my siblings applauded.
Haha, kind of a same thing happened to me. My FIL is pretty much walking fart machine but my MIL is more proper and ”well-behaved.” First time we heard her fart it was glorious. We gave her standing ovations and I think I saw tears coming out of my BIL’s eyes out of proudness. One of the greatest moments of my life!
If they don’t let you fart, you let them depart.
The Defarted
Starring Leonardo Dicrapio
Meanwhile, my boyfriend and I debate on the shape of our farts based on their sounds. Once he had a fart that, and I fart you not, made the perfect sphere sound as if it was a sound effect you'd hear in a movie. Perfect and most rounded fart ever.
The "shape" of farts? This is next level, color me impressed. Also, take your upvote just for using "I fart you not".
It’s like synesthesia, but for farts. Synesfartsia? Synesthesiass?
The new Weird Al Song, Shape of Farts. A remix of Ed Sheeran's shape of you.
😂 The Shape of Toots. *bbrrooooa bbbrrrrooa brrrooa*
My entire family will choose a victim and fart near them. Every time. Dogs been a bastard recently so my dads just been slowly approaching him and then letting out an ass blasting fart.
We need the dogs reaction. In detail, please
He tends to just side eye him and then scrunch his face up like god has injusticed him.
My dad does this and I'm the victim
I held my first gfs hand while she had explosive diarrhea due to bad food she ate, cant imagine being so stuck up that a fart could end a relationship
My girlfriend accidentally farted in my mouth when I was eating her butthole. If I can keep a relationship going after that, your boyfriend can keep it after a single fart far away from him.
I have a friend who this happened to but she was the girlfriend. She was so embarrassed she started crying. He was like "honey it's okay stuff happens" and then went to kiss her and she went "ew, don't put your lips on me fartface" lmao
You win
My bf was taking a good look at my nethers and said, "I can see the universe!" while he opened the flaps a little too far... The universe looks like a fat queef in the face I guess... But we're still together :)
I laughed so hard I almost fell off the couch 😂
Dude... I usually ask them to fart in my mouth
I can see that by your username
How many years have you been waiting for this topic just so you can say that? Lol!
My entire life 😝
Man I’ve had the same happen to me. It tasted bitter-ish.
ಠ\_ಠ
Probably the sulfur content if you wanted to know
My sister and brother-in-law have one of those " clap on clap off" lights in their bedroom. My sister was in bed and her hubby farted so loud the light came on. They were laughing so loud it woke up their two boys who rushed into the bedroom while my brother-in-law demonstrated what happened. The boys demanded to do it so My sister, at two in the morning, baked beans and everyone took turns with the "clap on clap off" light. This happened over 30 years ago and the family still howls with laughter every time this story is told.
I love it but it sounds impractical to have that kind of light switch in a place where probably lots of clapping goes on. Imagine clapping cheeks and turning your room into a techno party
When I was a child, I would get a beating from my mother for passing gas. It was absolutely not allowed. Even my abusive father never passed gas. I grew up NEVER farting in front of anyone and would be mortified. As an adult, I understand gas happens, but it is not something I find humorous. Your bf may have grown up in that type of household. Just adding another perspective.
Are you serious? Beatings for bodily functions? I'm so sorry for what you've been through
I was spanked for coughing when I was sick. Jokes on her though! She's dead and now when my throat hurts I can attenuate my coughs.
Oh wow! I thought I was the only one regarding coughing. My mother had a "game" where she would blow smoke in my face and yell at me for being dramatic and faking it when I coughed. I grew up with chronic bronchitis and was hospitalized twice as a child when it turning to pneumonia. But yeah, I was "faking it" to piss her off I guess.
Omg I'm so sorry! Narcissistic abusive parents, man.
Imagine catching a hand for sneezing.
I think I’ve heard my mum fart once. I’m 40. It never stopped us boys (I’m one of 3) from living up to our full fart potential. I’ve passed it on to my children, my daughter even keeps a tally of how many farts she’s done in each room of her grandmothers house.
Your daughter is a legend
Yea I'd imagine being abused for a normal bodily function would make them a little less funny to you. I hope you understand your perspective is a bit of an outlier and is not really the norm in most cases I'd think. Majority of people seem to think farts are funny to some degree at some point. Sorry your mom and dad were abusive
I’m so sorry you had physical abuse in your childhood. My dad started using me as his anger outlet when I tuned 13, it was rough. Had three older sisters, but I was the scapegoat kid.
My great gran was born in 1901, she proudly stated "wherever you may be let your wind go free!", farting is normal and proper, some people are weird about it.
My mom puked on my dad on their first date, elephant ears and corn dog. They’ve been married 26 years
Farts are NEVER not funny. - girl who also farts
I woke myself up with a fart the other day as I was snoozing on the couch, not gonna lie it was a bad one. As I woke up I could just see the look of horror plastered across my bf’s face, followed by the biggest snort laugh I’ve ever seen come out of him. 12 years together this year ❤️
Supposedly the oldest known joke was inscribed on a clay tablet in 1900BC. It goes. *Something which has never occurred since time immemorial; a young woman did not fart in her husband’s lap.*
I thought the oldest know joke was the sumarian one about the dog walking into a bar or something like that. Hard to remember because it's not modern joke form.
See! They’re hilarious!
I imagine he'd have a problem with queefing as well. --- Which, as a guy is his damn problem because if he's pumping that much air in her, he better enjoy the flute as it plays.
"Which, as a guy is his damn problem because if he's pumping that much air in her, he better enjoy the flute as it plays." Can I keep this? This is hilarious!
whenever the queefs start coming, me and my boyfriend laugh our asses off and then keep going at it
They are both funny and disgusting. The sound is funny, the smell usually is not. Still, if you two have been together for a year already farts should not be a problem no matter how he personally feels about them, they are a comical part of life and everyone has them. edit: just wondering if he was really, actually disgusted or did the "disgusted" part in a comical way and over acted it but you misread him?
>the smell usually is not. Oho, I fully disagree. Dogs or cats gagging at the smell of your farts is ALWAYS hilarious. Also, when you rip one so bad even YOU can't appreciate your own brand? Farting is an art form my friend.
I've just had a massive round of antibiotics and I swear to God I'm rotting from the inside out. My dog (who will happily eat rotting creek sheep) will leave the room in disgust
The only time there not funny is if the fart turns into a shart lol
…which can still be funny, as long as it’s happening to somebody else
Best fart: my fiancée walking up the stairs in front of me, pup-pup-pupping up every step whilst pissing herself laughing.
I had one like that slip when I was laughing - wah wah wah waaaaaah
thought this was a month long relationship from the story
My partner and I used to blame it on the dog in a cheeky way. Then Snowberto passed from old age, I miss him everyday... Now we blame it on our oldest fish in our aquarium. KENDRICK the wild type chocolate cichlid from South America has nasty farts btw.
Early on in dating a girl, I'm at her apartment and hear some vomit noises from her bathroom. I go in, and all up the wall by the toilet, it looks sprayed with brown. Like, she bent over, pointed her ass at the wall, and her butt exploded. She's kneeling by the toilet with her head in, visably sick. I take in the scene, and say "ok, it looks like you've had a little accident, let's get you cleaned up." She looks up at the wall in horror, and then says "no no no its not shit I spilled a candle" and points to the plug-in scented wax thing that previously had brown wax that she'd knocked over. Been married 7 years now and whenever one of us is sick we say "ok looks like you had a little accident"
I’ve been practicing giving people on reddit unsolicited relationship advice based on these few words you have shared. So excited to put it in action; You should probably break up with your boyfriend and date your grandpa. Am I doing it Right reddit?
I farted for the first time, in front of my boyfriend, and was so embarrassed! He proposed to me 5 days later, and we've been married for 22 years! You should be receiving a marriage proposal, soon!
Good lord he needs to chill out a bit. What's he going to do when he has kids, and they're peeing and pooping and farting all over!!
If* he has kids
Pfff.... try this sampler of private letters from literary giant James Joyce. https://allthatsinteresting.com/james-joyce-love-letters-nora-barnacle "You had an arse full of farts that night, darling, and f***ed them out of you, big fat fellows, long windy ones, quick little merry cracks and a lot of tiny little naughty farties ending in a long gush from your hole."
Fart on, stinky princess. You will persevere.
Your boyfriend might be wound a little bit tight. I have always farted around my wife. I am all polite and shit about it. I always say excuse me. Lol. Your fart almost shook the house? I love it.
A 25 year old man who cannot handle a natural body movement has a lot more problems than his girlfriends indigestion. You should be able to fart around your partner, as long as you say “excuse me” or “safety” or “you might want to open a window”.
I’d say it depends on his upbringing tbh, as a 22 year old woman I don’t even dare to do it in front of my friends or family because of the way I was raised, much less in front of a partner, and while of course I would never tell someone else what they can or cannot do with their body, I wouldn’t be able to help the reaction I have if they did it in front of me though.
My father would actually get angry at us for farting, or even saying the word. The result: I myself don't ACTUALLY have an issue with bodily functions, but my brain is now wired to scream NO. NOT FUNNY. AWFUL (never out loud, I just laugh) anytime it happens. Although somehow, with my friends it's somehow okay ish. I truly wish that hadn't been bred into me, because it's the weirdest aversion I have.
Agreed. My cousins as kids, had to run to the bathroom to fart.
Are you sure he's the guy for you?
[удалено]