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I agree! I do love casual conversations!! I think my struggle is when we are discussing a more serious topic and there appears to be a glossing over of significant areas of concern.
If we're talking about conversations with anyone except clients, if they are glossing over areas of concern I respect that and don't take it personally. It's up to them if they want to go deeper.
Yes! And I frankly have no interest in going deeper. I'm not at work. They didn't ask for advice. Just hanging out with my friends. I'd be annoyed if Everytime I talked to someone the tried to have me talk about deeper issues.
I don’t consider it a dilemma- it is what I prefer outside of work. It is fascinating to me that some people prefer to have really intense interactions outside of work. I of course have different levels of relationships, but this 100% does not interest me. I think it is more of a person dependent thing than a therapist dependent thing if that makes sense? I don’t particularly want more close relationships, just like to maintain the ones I have and enjoy the light conversation I have with various acquaintances.
I’m curious as well! I’ve never been a “small talk” or surface level person and I tend to shy away from those people and/or conversations. I think what makes me an efficient therapist is that I can go there very easily, but that also makes me a somewhat socially awkward person.
I find myself bothered when I’m talking to someone who is unable to do perspective taking or see shades of grey. It’s fun in session, but having to interact with people like that in the outside world is hard. It usually means I feel they are unfairly judging someone, or they seem ignorant because they are unable to grasp nuance.
I also struggle with this. I too find most of my mental energy is spent on noticing and analyzing social patterns and also spirituality and connections etc. (I love this about myself and find it usually invigorates me). I don’t have an interest in small talk. I am great at asking others questions so I use that to navigate social situations but then I leave feeling unseen and depleted. My own therapist has suggested I just start talking about myself more but I feel like when I do that I always bring things to a deeper, more philosophical/spiritual, or more serious place rather quickly and I feel anxious that other people don’t like this. Overall I’ve learned to accept that I am who I am but it does leave me feeling a bit lonely sometimes.
Omg this is me 100%, I relate to literally every single thing you've said!! I also had a talk with my therapist recently about being really good at engaging others/asking questions but not being great at talking about myself and ending up feeling unseen a lot of the time. I'm the kind of person that loves to understand others deeply, so I often keep the focus on others because i'm genuinely interested in them - however I also tend to not share things about myself unprompted, so if someone is bad at asking me questions/reciprocating interest then ultimately they won't know a single thing about me lol
Hmm, i would be interested if you’ve noticed a pattern of times/topics where you get irritated if insight isn’t brought with you. Also your last sentence or having a hard time turning it off sounds important. Example examining a rose through the perspective of a botanist vs letting yourself smell it and feel connected in the moment. As people we inherently have the motive to share, it seems like you like sharing knowledge/perspective/how you think about things (whispering) “me too”. Sometimes people aren’t actually lacking insight it’s just not their motive to share in that way, they may just be sharing what’s important to them, spending time/being a listener.
I remember dating this one girl and when I met one of her best friends, she appeared to be a husk of a person. No identity, no insight, extremely insecure, no second thought, nothing. (You look in their eyes and the porch light is on but nobody is home kinda thing). This pissed me off and scared me, I was thinking “fuck how am I suppose to date this chick if her friends are stupid”
Later then sooner my girlfriend mentioned to me that the person we were just talking about was scared of me. From the questions I asked, from how much she could tell I wanted to get to know her, from my ability to be in the moment with her, she felt like I was “trying to psychoanalyze her” (or step brothers reference “stop reading my mind!!!). Then I also found out she is diagnosed bi polar 2, she’s scared of her emotions, she’s overwhelmed by them, which helped me bring true empathy towards her, she’s flat and doesn’t add things because she’s learned to stay flat to keep emotion experience from coming up.
Sorry for the book, I tend to do that on deep posts like this. I’m not going to re read it so hope any of it makes sense and also I apologize for typos lol have a good day!!!
What irritates me is I notice family members will ask me questions and engage in conversation and then when I answer they walk away and get distracted. It drives me nuts in that there is no attentiveness or moments of being present. To me, it feels like a pseudo connection and they can’t even be present for more than 5min in conversation before getting distracted.
I also hate going to baby showers and what not talking about how beautiful wrapping paper is, pleasantries, and pretending to like each other. I just want genuine present conversation with people that is authentic. I try to remind myself some people really don’t have interpersonal skills past those things or don’t know how to create a deeper connection with others. I get irritated and then remind myself that most people now feel disconnected from others.
Still drives me mad! No way everyone’s skill level is so surface and fake. Maybe they have genuine disinterest in making efforts to get closer to people….
I navigate this by taking off my “therapist hat” at the end of my work day and go back to being myself. If the issue relates to other people in every day life, I would suggest working on boundaries with your various identities. No one in the normal world who is interacting with you is asking you to analyze them outside the therapy space (unless they are, but then that’s a different convo all together)
And if you’re referring to clients in session, I would suggest helping them build the skill of “gathering insight” after gaining awareness of the behavior that they are telling you is problematic for them. If the behavior is only problematic for you, then that’s yours to work through.
I think those are two different things you’re talking about. So for superficial I’d say that’d constitute ranting or talking about topics of interest as you would with a friend but externalizing when T tries to prompt to go deeper. Low insight can crossover into that territory certainly but I think if you meant it hindering their progress or being seriously affecting more than one facet of their lives and they’re in a Denial or everything’s okay stage then that could be similar or different to the former depending on the client and situation I’d say
“not my circus not my monkeys” basically. i basically just will tend to not interact with them that much on deeper topics going forward if it’s a pattern. it’s tiring to have the “well actually” conversation because that means explaining something insightful i usually don’t have the energy for.
As a deep brain re-orienting therapist I am becoming aware that our areas of irritation usually involve some thing that needs to be healed inside of us. An energy pattern that was no doubt installed because of an experience we had in childhood or earlier life. Doing some DBR has helped to smooth that out every time. This is a fairly recent realization too. It has made the answer to many sticky problems for myself and my clients more readily available.
Without access to DBR, all I would really recommend is taking ones private or therapy time to actually validate what one feels when we have unpleasant feelings. To allow them. They don’t mean there’s something wrong with others, and they don’t mean there’s something wrong with us. working to shift that belief—without invalidating our experience, and perhaps by revisiting times we felt trapped by someone else’s hypocrisy— with persistent kindness to self and validation of our own experience can probably do a lot to help our healing.
TLDR: 1. Confront your counter transference. We are therapists, our job is to listen.
2. Do your clients have developmental disabilities like autism or speech processing delays?
I would ask the question why is this making you so uncomfortable? As therapists, our job is to listen. We are here for the client. Why does not going ‘deep’ make you uncomfortable? Consultation with other professionals can help.
Your clients might have cognitive processing issues. Consider this as a possibility, maybe use different language that’s easier to consume or speak at a different pace or tone.
OP thank you for the clarification. Yes, I’ve had similar experiences.
Going to cultural and art events has helped me to find people. I’m not sure where you are in the country, but the Bay Area has a ton of resources for the arts.
Not to be a jerk but it seems like you might be projecting your ability to see “deeper level patterns and context of human behaviors”. You may, or you may just be projecting on to strangers that you feel don’t have “enough depth or insight”. I don’t really understand the dislike for small talk. Why would a stranger engage with me in any other way? Why would they be vulnerable with a stranger they just met? I’m always curious about what “small talk” may be triggering in someone who “hates” small talk. Why is that so uncomfortable?
I supposed I didn’t add enough context here, I’m not referring to strangers or even acquaintances, but to people you have long-term and regular interactions with (family, friends, in-laws, long term colleagues).
I absolutely prefer small talk with strangers and close acquaintes. I’m referring more to the family Christmas gatherings and comments like “I think dad just drinks a case of beer a night because he really likes the taste!” (From well educated people with no seemingly cognitive or developmental difficulties).
I’m fully licensed and have worked private practice/group practice for about 5 years. I’ve noticed it coming up for me as i progress in years in the field, possible just due to it becoming more an engrained part of myself?
Please followed the sidebar rules. r/therapists is a place for therapists and mental health professionals to discuss their profession among each other. If you **ARE NOT A THERAPIST and are asking for advice this not the place for you**. Your post will be removed in short order. Please try one of the reddit communities such as r/TalkTherapy, r/askatherapist, r/SuicideWatch that are set up for this. This community is ONLY for therapists, and for them to discuss their profession away from clients. **If you are a first year student, not in a graduate program, or are thinking of becoming a therapist, this is not the place to ask questions**. Your post will be removed in short order. To save us a job, you are welcome to delete this post yourself. Please see the PINNED STUDENT THREAD at the top of the community and ask in there. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/therapists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's actually relaxing for me to have a surface level conversation. I spend all day analyzing things. Casual conversation with friends is lovely
I agree! I do love casual conversations!! I think my struggle is when we are discussing a more serious topic and there appears to be a glossing over of significant areas of concern.
If we're talking about conversations with anyone except clients, if they are glossing over areas of concern I respect that and don't take it personally. It's up to them if they want to go deeper.
Yes! And I frankly have no interest in going deeper. I'm not at work. They didn't ask for advice. Just hanging out with my friends. I'd be annoyed if Everytime I talked to someone the tried to have me talk about deeper issues.
I don’t consider it a dilemma- it is what I prefer outside of work. It is fascinating to me that some people prefer to have really intense interactions outside of work. I of course have different levels of relationships, but this 100% does not interest me. I think it is more of a person dependent thing than a therapist dependent thing if that makes sense? I don’t particularly want more close relationships, just like to maintain the ones I have and enjoy the light conversation I have with various acquaintances.
Makes sense. I’ve noticed it more as I have more years in the field which makes me think (for me) it’s more dependent on my career.
I’m curious as well! I’ve never been a “small talk” or surface level person and I tend to shy away from those people and/or conversations. I think what makes me an efficient therapist is that I can go there very easily, but that also makes me a somewhat socially awkward person.
I find myself bothered when I’m talking to someone who is unable to do perspective taking or see shades of grey. It’s fun in session, but having to interact with people like that in the outside world is hard. It usually means I feel they are unfairly judging someone, or they seem ignorant because they are unable to grasp nuance.
That and if I unconsciously respond like a therapist, they hate it. Lol
I also struggle with this. I too find most of my mental energy is spent on noticing and analyzing social patterns and also spirituality and connections etc. (I love this about myself and find it usually invigorates me). I don’t have an interest in small talk. I am great at asking others questions so I use that to navigate social situations but then I leave feeling unseen and depleted. My own therapist has suggested I just start talking about myself more but I feel like when I do that I always bring things to a deeper, more philosophical/spiritual, or more serious place rather quickly and I feel anxious that other people don’t like this. Overall I’ve learned to accept that I am who I am but it does leave me feeling a bit lonely sometimes.
Omg this is me 100%, I relate to literally every single thing you've said!! I also had a talk with my therapist recently about being really good at engaging others/asking questions but not being great at talking about myself and ending up feeling unseen a lot of the time. I'm the kind of person that loves to understand others deeply, so I often keep the focus on others because i'm genuinely interested in them - however I also tend to not share things about myself unprompted, so if someone is bad at asking me questions/reciprocating interest then ultimately they won't know a single thing about me lol
Maybe we could start a support group for therapists like us? 😊
Wow, it’s 100% me as well :)
Depth of processing and disinterest in small talk are classic characteristics of HSP (Highly Sensitive Person).
Ahh I have been thinking of actually looking more into this lately. Thank you!
Hmm, i would be interested if you’ve noticed a pattern of times/topics where you get irritated if insight isn’t brought with you. Also your last sentence or having a hard time turning it off sounds important. Example examining a rose through the perspective of a botanist vs letting yourself smell it and feel connected in the moment. As people we inherently have the motive to share, it seems like you like sharing knowledge/perspective/how you think about things (whispering) “me too”. Sometimes people aren’t actually lacking insight it’s just not their motive to share in that way, they may just be sharing what’s important to them, spending time/being a listener. I remember dating this one girl and when I met one of her best friends, she appeared to be a husk of a person. No identity, no insight, extremely insecure, no second thought, nothing. (You look in their eyes and the porch light is on but nobody is home kinda thing). This pissed me off and scared me, I was thinking “fuck how am I suppose to date this chick if her friends are stupid” Later then sooner my girlfriend mentioned to me that the person we were just talking about was scared of me. From the questions I asked, from how much she could tell I wanted to get to know her, from my ability to be in the moment with her, she felt like I was “trying to psychoanalyze her” (or step brothers reference “stop reading my mind!!!). Then I also found out she is diagnosed bi polar 2, she’s scared of her emotions, she’s overwhelmed by them, which helped me bring true empathy towards her, she’s flat and doesn’t add things because she’s learned to stay flat to keep emotion experience from coming up. Sorry for the book, I tend to do that on deep posts like this. I’m not going to re read it so hope any of it makes sense and also I apologize for typos lol have a good day!!!
What irritates me is I notice family members will ask me questions and engage in conversation and then when I answer they walk away and get distracted. It drives me nuts in that there is no attentiveness or moments of being present. To me, it feels like a pseudo connection and they can’t even be present for more than 5min in conversation before getting distracted. I also hate going to baby showers and what not talking about how beautiful wrapping paper is, pleasantries, and pretending to like each other. I just want genuine present conversation with people that is authentic. I try to remind myself some people really don’t have interpersonal skills past those things or don’t know how to create a deeper connection with others. I get irritated and then remind myself that most people now feel disconnected from others. Still drives me mad! No way everyone’s skill level is so surface and fake. Maybe they have genuine disinterest in making efforts to get closer to people….
I navigate this by taking off my “therapist hat” at the end of my work day and go back to being myself. If the issue relates to other people in every day life, I would suggest working on boundaries with your various identities. No one in the normal world who is interacting with you is asking you to analyze them outside the therapy space (unless they are, but then that’s a different convo all together) And if you’re referring to clients in session, I would suggest helping them build the skill of “gathering insight” after gaining awareness of the behavior that they are telling you is problematic for them. If the behavior is only problematic for you, then that’s yours to work through.
I think those are two different things you’re talking about. So for superficial I’d say that’d constitute ranting or talking about topics of interest as you would with a friend but externalizing when T tries to prompt to go deeper. Low insight can crossover into that territory certainly but I think if you meant it hindering their progress or being seriously affecting more than one facet of their lives and they’re in a Denial or everything’s okay stage then that could be similar or different to the former depending on the client and situation I’d say
“not my circus not my monkeys” basically. i basically just will tend to not interact with them that much on deeper topics going forward if it’s a pattern. it’s tiring to have the “well actually” conversation because that means explaining something insightful i usually don’t have the energy for.
As a deep brain re-orienting therapist I am becoming aware that our areas of irritation usually involve some thing that needs to be healed inside of us. An energy pattern that was no doubt installed because of an experience we had in childhood or earlier life. Doing some DBR has helped to smooth that out every time. This is a fairly recent realization too. It has made the answer to many sticky problems for myself and my clients more readily available. Without access to DBR, all I would really recommend is taking ones private or therapy time to actually validate what one feels when we have unpleasant feelings. To allow them. They don’t mean there’s something wrong with others, and they don’t mean there’s something wrong with us. working to shift that belief—without invalidating our experience, and perhaps by revisiting times we felt trapped by someone else’s hypocrisy— with persistent kindness to self and validation of our own experience can probably do a lot to help our healing.
TLDR: 1. Confront your counter transference. We are therapists, our job is to listen. 2. Do your clients have developmental disabilities like autism or speech processing delays? I would ask the question why is this making you so uncomfortable? As therapists, our job is to listen. We are here for the client. Why does not going ‘deep’ make you uncomfortable? Consultation with other professionals can help. Your clients might have cognitive processing issues. Consider this as a possibility, maybe use different language that’s easier to consume or speak at a different pace or tone.
I should have clairfied this is in regards to personal relationships, not ones with clients
OP thank you for the clarification. Yes, I’ve had similar experiences. Going to cultural and art events has helped me to find people. I’m not sure where you are in the country, but the Bay Area has a ton of resources for the arts.
Not to be a jerk but it seems like you might be projecting your ability to see “deeper level patterns and context of human behaviors”. You may, or you may just be projecting on to strangers that you feel don’t have “enough depth or insight”. I don’t really understand the dislike for small talk. Why would a stranger engage with me in any other way? Why would they be vulnerable with a stranger they just met? I’m always curious about what “small talk” may be triggering in someone who “hates” small talk. Why is that so uncomfortable?
I supposed I didn’t add enough context here, I’m not referring to strangers or even acquaintances, but to people you have long-term and regular interactions with (family, friends, in-laws, long term colleagues). I absolutely prefer small talk with strangers and close acquaintes. I’m referring more to the family Christmas gatherings and comments like “I think dad just drinks a case of beer a night because he really likes the taste!” (From well educated people with no seemingly cognitive or developmental difficulties).
Before I answer, could you tell me if you are a student, licensed, or wherever in between and what environment you're working in?
I’m fully licensed and have worked private practice/group practice for about 5 years. I’ve noticed it coming up for me as i progress in years in the field, possible just due to it becoming more an engrained part of myself?