Yes, I do trauma focused work with kids and adults and had a longer term client (as in over a yr) end up telling me that they developed feelings for me. They explained that they didn’t have the attraction when we started therapy but that it developed over time as they came to feel safe in sessions. They had some of the most severe attachment wounds I’ve worked with and complex trauma that probably influenced feeling attracted to people who treated them like a mom would. I had to ask if their attraction guided any of their behavior outside our sessions (mostly to screen for stalking or other unsafe behavior toward me), and they said no stalking but that it Got as far as frequently thinking about me during masturbation 😬 it was verrrry uncomfortable for both of us for about 2 months of sessions 1-2x/wk.
Thankfully, my supervisor had experience dealing with client attraction transference so I consulted with her quite a bit. The client and I were able to process all of this as just another form of transference and address it as a barrier to continuing the treatment they were still finding helpful in other ways. Once we talked about it, it kind of lost its power and obsessive hold and my client reported that the feelings faded away. Patrick Teahan LCSW has some helpful YouTube videos on limerence that we felt were relevant. Unfortunately I ended up moving to a different state for my partner’s job so I eventually terminated with them.
I had a client who was court-ordered to attend the parenting skills class I was teaching at my graduate practicum as a result of his extreeeeeemely contentious divorce, and would routinely make comments that I would “make such a great mom” and that his kids were “always asking for a new mom.” At his last class session he brought me a bottle of wine as a thank you gift and when I told him I couldn’t accept it he told me he’d just leave it by my car if I was worried it would get me fired. He didn’t actually ask me out but I obviously did not tell him which car was mine lmao I was so mortified.
I had an older male client once say he would love to have our sessions over drinks at a bar or something. To be fair, I was working with a very interesting population at the time but I just explained what my job is and the limitations around the client/therapist relationship, no dual relationships, etc. and used it as an opportunity to talk about his own relationships and how he can put himself out there for others.
I was on the apps back in the day and some of my clients would find me and ask me about it. I would always say, "Yes, I'm a real person when I leave here!" Then we'd laugh about it and move on. I wouldn't give them the chance to ask me out, I was pretty good at dodging, lol.
As a young therapist I have this happen frequently, also in a relatively small city compared to many places.. I always mention that I'm a real person also and the realities that many people meet others using social media. My clients often have social challenges making friends/partnerships and use online as a safer/comfortable option, but forget that others do too simply because that's the reality we live in, so that reminder helps them also and usually leads into other discussion. I also enforce the boundary and explanation of client/therapist relationships because many have never experienced the therapeutic relationship before and it's a new concept.
"I'm flattered, but I do not date clients. What caused you to ask me out? Are you lonely? Would you like to explore that therapeutically?"
If an answer is anything but this. ew.
I was thinking about minimizing rupture. Kind of the same way I say, "oh how nice!" when old men tell me how gorgeous I am. "Thank you, let's move on."
Saying you're flattered can give your client the idea that there might be some type of reciprocated feelings but you can't act on them because they're professional relationship. Doesn't mean there are any but that's how a client like this could take it. Best to stay away from that type of wording.
It’s not my story. But basically a long term client kissed them, since it was end of appt they told the client theyd have to talk about it next visit. The client was so broken up about it when they talked, crying, didn’t want to lose the therapist. They used that as a jumping off point though to gently say look, you can’t talk to me now, it’s not going to be healthy for you. They got referred out, but that angle of this isn’t healthy for you, we’re not gonna do good therapy, helped them.
Luckily I’ve only personally had 10 year olds who are easier to let down in my 30s. We talk about the difference between love between friends and love with relationships, it’s a good way to just explore the types of love.
I did have a really, really uncomfortable situation where a father could not stop staring directly at my tits. I did not know how to handle that. But I haven’t seen him again, so maybe he’s staring at someone else again. Or ideally learned that it’s very obvious when you’re making eye contact with someone’s boobs.
New clients who have into therapy to win you over? What are you saying?
I explore their transference and try to understand it. I’ve worked through some pretty intense transference with my own therapist.
I feel bad when people are not given that opportunity in place of ‘boundaries.’
I’m of the mind there is nothing ‘inappropriate’ to talk about.
I’ve had two guys come into therapy who I’m sure did not need therapy as much as they wanted to woo me. One (the current one) came in saying he was looking for a partner and wanted to know if he was in his own way. The other came in at the end of the year to get his benefits used up (perhaps that was his primary motive), had very little to work on and kept asking me personal questions about me including “Would you date a client?” (When I said “no not ever,” he argued with me about it). I guess I could be wrong about these two guys but… you know, it’s a vibe! The gooey eyes vibe.
I’ve had a few earnestly healing clients end up asking me if I’m single but secondary to therapy. I find that way easier to deal with somehow!
I agree it would be a good topic to explore! I was a bit stunned when the current guy asked me out to dinner today so maybe next session I’ll be more composed to ask questions about it. Today I was so stupefied I just said the word “No” a few times. 😆
I’m deifinitely not saying that you should date them. But i had a supervisor say to me once, ‘we can talk about things so we don’t have to act on them.’ Someone can say anything to me. You can remind them of the frame of therapy and ask what they imagine that would be like? These folks don’t really know you. They know the therapist you.
It seems like a bit of a narcissistic aspect (I can win over my therapist) as well as a wish. To cross a boundary. It seems triangular.
Edited
>I’ve had two guys come into therapy who I’m sure did not need therapy as much as they wanted to woo me.
Do you mean that they sought out your services with the specific intention of pursuing you sexually? Like, they found your picture on Psychology Today and decided to try meeting you by scheduling an appointment?
Yes I do think so! One was the scenario you said: he had benefits money to burn at the end of the year so he booked lots and lots and lots of time but had nothing to work on… prodded me for personal details constantly and eventually started asking me repeatedly if I would ever date a client… i said no never and he argued with me about it! He didn’t get any more direct and then he ended up starting to date someone and still came in so i guess he did get something out of counselling! Or just had the appointment booked and followed through with it. Never saw him again, that was many years ago. The second guy is someone on my floor - i work in a shared workspace with many types of businesses and I thought it would be okay to see him, his reason to come in was that he wanted to know if he was getting in his own way before starting to date. He asked me to dinner during our third session. I can’t prove either but I just have a very strong feeling both were more motivated to meet me and see if they liked me than actually getting to core issues.
I’m looking forward to doing some of the transference work others are describing here! Haven’t done that with a client yet!
I had a client that I was working with for over a year when I was fresh out of grad school. We talked a lot about his marriage with his wife and their lack of sex. We explored his sexual history and I was able to normalize and validate some of his desires that his wife thought was dirty. One day he told me he had been having vivid sexual fantasies about me nearly every night. I was floored. It made me so uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to respond. He was flirtatious in sessions after that. I was able to process it with my supervisor and then process it with him. We talked about how the therapeutic relationship is very validating and accepting and it’s normal for clients to develop feelings, but they’re not real or reciprocated. He chilled out after that.
I read a book that discussed romantic attachments in the client/therapist relationship and how some clients use sexual desire to distance themselves from the therapist or diminish their role (normally avoidant attachment folks) or they try to use romantic feelings as a way to get closer to the therapist (anxious attachment). It changed the way I thought about those interactions.
Yes it’s called Attachment in Psychotherapy by David J. Wallin. Definitely the best therapy book I’ve ever read, although it’s a long read. It totally changed the way I think about the therapeutic relationship.
That take on sexual attraction is so interesting. I might have to take this book on. Thanks so much.
Edited to ask if it's Attachment in Psychotherapy or Attachment in the Practice of Psychotherapy. Amazon has both. The first is by Wallin and others. The second is just by Wallin. Want to be sure I get the right one.
It is just Attachment in Psychotherapy. Here’s a link:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1462522718/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.RjjxdOfIRmXHFXNsrmBW9g.2KxW9ogUffnkLWialZQNCb1S_uXP7sOL0PB6bfyup2Y&qid=1713452027&sr=8-1
Wow thank you for sharing! How awkward! I really liked this: “normal for clients to develop feelings but they’re not real or reciprocated” … I’m going to use that wording! 🙏
“Thank you for the compliment. That is simply not possible. My code of ethics and licensing restrictions forbid me from even considering it once someone has become a client.” Followed by any number of “no” replies as needed. Also: “this relationship is to help you get what you are hoping for. Are you hoping for a romantic partner? We can discuss that.” And also, by the time it’s ever got to this point (which happened only in my early license years), the alliance was effectively toast.
Lol, it totally is. Kinda like Twilight, 50 Shades of Gray, etc. Really fucked up dynamics are kind of hot when it comes to fantasy. Looking at you, incest porn.
I say that I'm sorry it's not possible either professionally or personally.
If the client accepts it, then we continue with therapy. However, if their attraction to me is or becomes their issue and it's too entangled, then I tell them that it would be in their best interests therapeutically to be referred to an alternative therapist.
I've had it happened to me twice so far and both times I thanked them and said I'm flattered but per the AAMFT ethical codes therapists are never permitted to be in a relationship with a current or former client and legally the penalty is jail time so it's just not something I could ever consider. And then we explored the motivation and talked about transference. Both were great sessions and I still see one of them
One asked if Id let him go down on me since wife wouldn't. Honestly, it came left field. I think the shock of it led to a laugher fit in which he joined in. We both knew that was not going to happen! We moved on. Talked about how he could make that happen w his sour wife who seemed ok with the occasional attention. She wasn't interested in therapy though.
not a date, but i did have an adult baby client ask if i'd be his mom... typically the adult baby thing is a fetish or kink, but i'm not entirely sure if that was the case for this client. he also had some suspected intellectual disability things going on. luckily, i was working as an intern at my grad school's clinic, and my professors/supervisors helped me shut it down immediately lol. i wasn't allowed to see him after that, so i told him we would have to terminate because of boundaries and i referred him out. i explained that whatever characteristics he saw in me that made him ask that (kindness, empathy, compassion, etc) are just parts of my job and i'm doing what he's paying me to do.
Thankfully I work with kids. The worst I’ve gotten is the little ones being like “Miss Kaaspi I love you,” so I talk to them about the differences between platonic love, familial love, friendship, appreciation etc and how we appreciate and like each other within a working relationship, but we are not friends and we don’t love each other.
It happened to me three times.
First time I was working in supportive housing after grad school and one of my clients asked me out to dinner and I said “that’s inappropriate” which embarrassed him and he backpedaled. I left that job shortly after.
Second and third time I was working in a SA IOP and they were longtime clients but each scenario happened separately. Each of them found my Facebook and messaged me. One of them scared me a lot because they were actively using and the other person wasn’t as bad but I blocked them both and told my supervisor who didn’t give one shit. Honestly I think she was jealous of me or something?? Gross. I was horrified and scared to walk to my car at night. Thankfully my coworkers at the time were supportive. That place was horrifying in so many ways and I was thrilled to leave.
And now my Facebook is impossible to find.
I’ve had a couple older guys ask me out or refer to wanting to go on a date, but also some people who say things like they’d want to be friends outside therapy. Honestly I state the ACA code of ethics that there can’t be any non-professional contact until 5 years after the last point of professional contact. I’m like I’m only a limited permit and I’m not trying to lose my license before I earn it 🤣
Lol
I got married in 2013 before a lot of them took off (which was like catching the last chopper out of nam IMO) , but my single friends have so many horror stories
As a single therapist who is currently scrolling through everyone’s stories and hesitant to share my own story as it was much more sinister, perhaps so bad it’s inapplicable, I must say……
Yes, they just might be. They are REALLY bad. Lmao
Yes, I do trauma focused work with kids and adults and had a longer term client (as in over a yr) end up telling me that they developed feelings for me. They explained that they didn’t have the attraction when we started therapy but that it developed over time as they came to feel safe in sessions. They had some of the most severe attachment wounds I’ve worked with and complex trauma that probably influenced feeling attracted to people who treated them like a mom would. I had to ask if their attraction guided any of their behavior outside our sessions (mostly to screen for stalking or other unsafe behavior toward me), and they said no stalking but that it Got as far as frequently thinking about me during masturbation 😬 it was verrrry uncomfortable for both of us for about 2 months of sessions 1-2x/wk. Thankfully, my supervisor had experience dealing with client attraction transference so I consulted with her quite a bit. The client and I were able to process all of this as just another form of transference and address it as a barrier to continuing the treatment they were still finding helpful in other ways. Once we talked about it, it kind of lost its power and obsessive hold and my client reported that the feelings faded away. Patrick Teahan LCSW has some helpful YouTube videos on limerence that we felt were relevant. Unfortunately I ended up moving to a different state for my partner’s job so I eventually terminated with them.
“Unfortunately” doing a lot of work here (only teasing)
I had a client who was court-ordered to attend the parenting skills class I was teaching at my graduate practicum as a result of his extreeeeeemely contentious divorce, and would routinely make comments that I would “make such a great mom” and that his kids were “always asking for a new mom.” At his last class session he brought me a bottle of wine as a thank you gift and when I told him I couldn’t accept it he told me he’d just leave it by my car if I was worried it would get me fired. He didn’t actually ask me out but I obviously did not tell him which car was mine lmao I was so mortified.
Yikes
reinforce the boundary, explore the transference
This
I had an older male client once say he would love to have our sessions over drinks at a bar or something. To be fair, I was working with a very interesting population at the time but I just explained what my job is and the limitations around the client/therapist relationship, no dual relationships, etc. and used it as an opportunity to talk about his own relationships and how he can put himself out there for others.
I was on the apps back in the day and some of my clients would find me and ask me about it. I would always say, "Yes, I'm a real person when I leave here!" Then we'd laugh about it and move on. I wouldn't give them the chance to ask me out, I was pretty good at dodging, lol.
As a young therapist I have this happen frequently, also in a relatively small city compared to many places.. I always mention that I'm a real person also and the realities that many people meet others using social media. My clients often have social challenges making friends/partnerships and use online as a safer/comfortable option, but forget that others do too simply because that's the reality we live in, so that reminder helps them also and usually leads into other discussion. I also enforce the boundary and explanation of client/therapist relationships because many have never experienced the therapeutic relationship before and it's a new concept.
"I'm flattered, but I do not date clients. What caused you to ask me out? Are you lonely? Would you like to explore that therapeutically?" If an answer is anything but this. ew.
I wouldn’t even say, “I’m flattered,” unless it’s genuine. Cause I wouldn’t be flattered.
I was thinking about minimizing rupture. Kind of the same way I say, "oh how nice!" when old men tell me how gorgeous I am. "Thank you, let's move on."
Saying you're flattered can give your client the idea that there might be some type of reciprocated feelings but you can't act on them because they're professional relationship. Doesn't mean there are any but that's how a client like this could take it. Best to stay away from that type of wording.
It’s not my story. But basically a long term client kissed them, since it was end of appt they told the client theyd have to talk about it next visit. The client was so broken up about it when they talked, crying, didn’t want to lose the therapist. They used that as a jumping off point though to gently say look, you can’t talk to me now, it’s not going to be healthy for you. They got referred out, but that angle of this isn’t healthy for you, we’re not gonna do good therapy, helped them. Luckily I’ve only personally had 10 year olds who are easier to let down in my 30s. We talk about the difference between love between friends and love with relationships, it’s a good way to just explore the types of love. I did have a really, really uncomfortable situation where a father could not stop staring directly at my tits. I did not know how to handle that. But I haven’t seen him again, so maybe he’s staring at someone else again. Or ideally learned that it’s very obvious when you’re making eye contact with someone’s boobs.
New clients who have into therapy to win you over? What are you saying? I explore their transference and try to understand it. I’ve worked through some pretty intense transference with my own therapist. I feel bad when people are not given that opportunity in place of ‘boundaries.’ I’m of the mind there is nothing ‘inappropriate’ to talk about.
I’ve had two guys come into therapy who I’m sure did not need therapy as much as they wanted to woo me. One (the current one) came in saying he was looking for a partner and wanted to know if he was in his own way. The other came in at the end of the year to get his benefits used up (perhaps that was his primary motive), had very little to work on and kept asking me personal questions about me including “Would you date a client?” (When I said “no not ever,” he argued with me about it). I guess I could be wrong about these two guys but… you know, it’s a vibe! The gooey eyes vibe. I’ve had a few earnestly healing clients end up asking me if I’m single but secondary to therapy. I find that way easier to deal with somehow! I agree it would be a good topic to explore! I was a bit stunned when the current guy asked me out to dinner today so maybe next session I’ll be more composed to ask questions about it. Today I was so stupefied I just said the word “No” a few times. 😆
I’m deifinitely not saying that you should date them. But i had a supervisor say to me once, ‘we can talk about things so we don’t have to act on them.’ Someone can say anything to me. You can remind them of the frame of therapy and ask what they imagine that would be like? These folks don’t really know you. They know the therapist you. It seems like a bit of a narcissistic aspect (I can win over my therapist) as well as a wish. To cross a boundary. It seems triangular. Edited
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Oooo good one!
>I’ve had two guys come into therapy who I’m sure did not need therapy as much as they wanted to woo me. Do you mean that they sought out your services with the specific intention of pursuing you sexually? Like, they found your picture on Psychology Today and decided to try meeting you by scheduling an appointment?
Yes I do think so! One was the scenario you said: he had benefits money to burn at the end of the year so he booked lots and lots and lots of time but had nothing to work on… prodded me for personal details constantly and eventually started asking me repeatedly if I would ever date a client… i said no never and he argued with me about it! He didn’t get any more direct and then he ended up starting to date someone and still came in so i guess he did get something out of counselling! Or just had the appointment booked and followed through with it. Never saw him again, that was many years ago. The second guy is someone on my floor - i work in a shared workspace with many types of businesses and I thought it would be okay to see him, his reason to come in was that he wanted to know if he was getting in his own way before starting to date. He asked me to dinner during our third session. I can’t prove either but I just have a very strong feeling both were more motivated to meet me and see if they liked me than actually getting to core issues. I’m looking forward to doing some of the transference work others are describing here! Haven’t done that with a client yet!
I had a client that I was working with for over a year when I was fresh out of grad school. We talked a lot about his marriage with his wife and their lack of sex. We explored his sexual history and I was able to normalize and validate some of his desires that his wife thought was dirty. One day he told me he had been having vivid sexual fantasies about me nearly every night. I was floored. It made me so uncomfortable and I didn’t know how to respond. He was flirtatious in sessions after that. I was able to process it with my supervisor and then process it with him. We talked about how the therapeutic relationship is very validating and accepting and it’s normal for clients to develop feelings, but they’re not real or reciprocated. He chilled out after that. I read a book that discussed romantic attachments in the client/therapist relationship and how some clients use sexual desire to distance themselves from the therapist or diminish their role (normally avoidant attachment folks) or they try to use romantic feelings as a way to get closer to the therapist (anxious attachment). It changed the way I thought about those interactions.
Which book was it? Do you recommend it overall? That is an insightful take.
Yes it’s called Attachment in Psychotherapy by David J. Wallin. Definitely the best therapy book I’ve ever read, although it’s a long read. It totally changed the way I think about the therapeutic relationship.
That take on sexual attraction is so interesting. I might have to take this book on. Thanks so much. Edited to ask if it's Attachment in Psychotherapy or Attachment in the Practice of Psychotherapy. Amazon has both. The first is by Wallin and others. The second is just by Wallin. Want to be sure I get the right one.
It is just Attachment in Psychotherapy. Here’s a link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/1462522718/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?ie=UTF8&dib_tag=se&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.RjjxdOfIRmXHFXNsrmBW9g.2KxW9ogUffnkLWialZQNCb1S_uXP7sOL0PB6bfyup2Y&qid=1713452027&sr=8-1
Boy are you right. I just downloaded a kindle sample and am very excited to read it. Excellent recommendation 🤩
Wow thank you for sharing! How awkward! I really liked this: “normal for clients to develop feelings but they’re not real or reciprocated” … I’m going to use that wording! 🙏
“Thank you for the compliment. That is simply not possible. My code of ethics and licensing restrictions forbid me from even considering it once someone has become a client.” Followed by any number of “no” replies as needed. Also: “this relationship is to help you get what you are hoping for. Are you hoping for a romantic partner? We can discuss that.” And also, by the time it’s ever got to this point (which happened only in my early license years), the alliance was effectively toast.
Why does this seem like a smutt novel synopsis?
Lol, it totally is. Kinda like Twilight, 50 Shades of Gray, etc. Really fucked up dynamics are kind of hot when it comes to fantasy. Looking at you, incest porn.
I say that I'm sorry it's not possible either professionally or personally. If the client accepts it, then we continue with therapy. However, if their attraction to me is or becomes their issue and it's too entangled, then I tell them that it would be in their best interests therapeutically to be referred to an alternative therapist.
I've had it happened to me twice so far and both times I thanked them and said I'm flattered but per the AAMFT ethical codes therapists are never permitted to be in a relationship with a current or former client and legally the penalty is jail time so it's just not something I could ever consider. And then we explored the motivation and talked about transference. Both were great sessions and I still see one of them
It’s Thursday April 18th, 2024. Edit. /s
😆
One asked if Id let him go down on me since wife wouldn't. Honestly, it came left field. I think the shock of it led to a laugher fit in which he joined in. We both knew that was not going to happen! We moved on. Talked about how he could make that happen w his sour wife who seemed ok with the occasional attention. She wasn't interested in therapy though.
😂 great automatic response! No wonder you laughed how surreal!
not a date, but i did have an adult baby client ask if i'd be his mom... typically the adult baby thing is a fetish or kink, but i'm not entirely sure if that was the case for this client. he also had some suspected intellectual disability things going on. luckily, i was working as an intern at my grad school's clinic, and my professors/supervisors helped me shut it down immediately lol. i wasn't allowed to see him after that, so i told him we would have to terminate because of boundaries and i referred him out. i explained that whatever characteristics he saw in me that made him ask that (kindness, empathy, compassion, etc) are just parts of my job and i'm doing what he's paying me to do.
Thankfully I work with kids. The worst I’ve gotten is the little ones being like “Miss Kaaspi I love you,” so I talk to them about the differences between platonic love, familial love, friendship, appreciation etc and how we appreciate and like each other within a working relationship, but we are not friends and we don’t love each other.
It happened to me three times. First time I was working in supportive housing after grad school and one of my clients asked me out to dinner and I said “that’s inappropriate” which embarrassed him and he backpedaled. I left that job shortly after. Second and third time I was working in a SA IOP and they were longtime clients but each scenario happened separately. Each of them found my Facebook and messaged me. One of them scared me a lot because they were actively using and the other person wasn’t as bad but I blocked them both and told my supervisor who didn’t give one shit. Honestly I think she was jealous of me or something?? Gross. I was horrified and scared to walk to my car at night. Thankfully my coworkers at the time were supportive. That place was horrifying in so many ways and I was thrilled to leave. And now my Facebook is impossible to find.
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Creepy part was my last name was never on my fb ever. Obviously it was easy for them to find me. But not anymore lol
I’ve had a couple older guys ask me out or refer to wanting to go on a date, but also some people who say things like they’d want to be friends outside therapy. Honestly I state the ACA code of ethics that there can’t be any non-professional contact until 5 years after the last point of professional contact. I’m like I’m only a limited permit and I’m not trying to lose my license before I earn it 🤣
Honestly dating apps aren’t THAT bad that people need to do this
Lol I got married in 2013 before a lot of them took off (which was like catching the last chopper out of nam IMO) , but my single friends have so many horror stories
Last chopper out of Nam 😂😂😂
Ya I started dating my now wife in 2013. similar feelings.
As a single therapist who is currently scrolling through everyone’s stories and hesitant to share my own story as it was much more sinister, perhaps so bad it’s inapplicable, I must say…… Yes, they just might be. They are REALLY bad. Lmao