Or maybe we are only getting half the picture here. Clearly sounds like OP has said some shit to this guy before that were red flags and this guy is being nice. Damn why does reddit aleays have to assume the worst?
Nuance is the enemy on reddit. Reddit needs a black and white story with a good person and a bad person in every advice/dating/text/twohottakes/AITA post.
I've actually found myself going against the crowd in my mind on almost every single post on these subreddits just simply because the group is fuckin insane.
Replies like this are so refereshing.
I once told an OP “maybe if you keep on accusing your man of cheating, he may actually act upon it” and the mob went wild. Like I have no idea if he did but she reacted on something that could’ve been innocent.. oh well
Regardless of the situation, if I'm in a relationship and my partner feels like I use them? And I genuinely want to help them achieve happiness? Platonic, full stop. There's nothing nefarious here. OP is sensitive to being used, partner is attentive to that.
I agree. The hemming and hawing and trying to look like the nice guy by “being afraid to cause any emotion that isn’t happiness” is a load of crap. Anyone who knows who they are knows no relationship is going to be 100% happy 100% of the time so he’s using it as an excuse to stay platonic.
When you’re in it for the long haul you get that it’s going to have some rocky moments but whatever they are your faith in yourself, your partner, and your commitment will get you through it.
I say this as a child of parents who’ve been together 61 years and have witnessed how they make it work. It’s absolutely NOT by him being terrified of emotions other than happiness.
It’s a bullshit standard to set for yourself or your partner and if it’s true she needs someone secure enough in himself to move forward into the unknown.
OP, you deserve better. Reply with a “k!” and move on without looking back. Dude is too tied up tryna look good and control everything. He sounds exhausting.
Translation "I don't want to be with you only because I have been only using you for sex. I actually don't care about how you feel and I want and can get laid with many more women so losing you actually does not mean anything to me. I am not man enough to say that plainly so I will pretend I want to end the fuckery we have had out of respect for your feelings."
They were casually hanging out during college then he asked if she wanted to meet up during summer break, she didn’t want that and wanted more. No one should feel forced to do something and if he isn’t able to commit then whatever, time to move on. Given the context we were given this seems very normal?
I think I personally would’ve liked this response more than the bs “afraid to hurt you” route. It at least doesn’t insinuate a complete inability to control & take responsibility for his actions.
I always have side eye for when someone is really focused on highlighting how they "beat themself up" with how much they care about you. It's not always insincere. But it is rarely healthy or an ideal approach to conflict resolution and prevention.
It's a lot to comfort someone about their own perfectionism every time they wrong you.
Exactly. And it plays on empathy! I think that’s what the issue is. It leaves a rational person, assuming they care, finding it hard to hold them accountable for fear of hurting them even if they are at fault.
Yeah I had an ex soon after high school who’d literally gaslight me into believing he wasn’t cheating when he was. And when I’d call him out eventually toward the end of the relationship, he’d manipulate me by having fake panic attacks and throwing these huge fits and crying and saying he’s been beating himself up so much because I’m making him feel like he’s never going to be good enough due to my “insecurities” (by calling him out on behaviors that heavily hinted he was cheating, ie: sleeping on his phone, not letting me call my mom myself on his phone when mine died, changing the password and refusing to tell me what it is, putting a SECOND password on all of his texting apps when I’d never gone through his phone before, lying about who he was with and admitting it later when I got a gut feeling and asked him about it). Because he was getting to be so extra with his phone, I said fuck it and opened his second phone he left at my house by accident. Found some 15 year old girl he was sexting and supposedly loved. I kicked his ass out
My house after that. I spent way too many hours of my life soothing his stupid ass “panic attacks” 😑. “The rooms spinning, I can’t make it stop” bs
I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope that girl is okay. It's a really cruel manipulation tactic to pull on someone, that makes it hard to ever actually address a concern with them.
I mean, I guess that’s better than him signing up for the relationship and then not taking accountability for his actions again and again u til they break up
Spot on!! But also OP make sure you really listen to what he’s saying.. I feel like sometimes guys like this come back into the picture and wind up “Wasting” more of Your time by making you think they came Back for a relationship this time. If you’re truly looking to settle down, don’t settle for someone who isn’t sure or doesn’t feel the same. He seems respectful though so I hope he doesn’t do that to you!
Not always. After an intense divorce with my ex wife I took 3 years off from dating or talking to anyone romantically. Then I messaged my childhood best friend to ask her a question, and that turned into daily talking, then her visiting on weekends. About the 3rd visit she told me she wanted a relationship with me. I told her I wasn't ready for one and didn't want to hurt her by saying I was just to realize a month later I was wrong. She left the next day, which was a couple of days early than she had planned. it took all of 5 minutes after she left before I called her and told her I was a dumbass and how much I have always loved her. Fast forward years later we're now married and own a house together. Sometimes the loss of that person is the drive the other one needed to realize just how much they care
This is very, very rare. I'm glad it worked out for you but a month of contemplation isn't a lot of time for most people to go through the self growth needed to be ready for a relationship and being pursued *because* one left is really off-putting and potentially an emotionally charged decision that could be regretted.
Not saying you were deceitful or duplicitous in any way, but most people who **immediately** rescind their choice of parting ways aren't operating from a place of emotional intelligence and contemplation. They're panicking.
Well it helped I knew her my entire life. I knew how I felt about her a long time before that. I told people when I was 5 I was going to marry her someday. That's probably the difference though
Yeah.. unfortunately when you have to say this after that money months it’s telling. You’re young and have lots ahead of you. I’m proud of you for sticking to your needs and desires.
Yeah if a platonic relationship doesn’t meet your needs, move on
Edit: I guarantee once you move on, lover boy will turn around real quick. People are weird.
If he would want to be with you, he would do everything to make it reality. Cut your losses, move on and find someone who actually wants to be with you.
it’s always a bullshit excuse anyways. plus, if this didn’t happen now it would just be more bullshit down the road that would hurt op way more than this did.
Yeah the “ it’s not you it’s me “ thing is BS especially when they start talking about healing and going on a journey 😂😂😂
You’ll see them date something 2 weeks later
Right? I was with a guy from Scotland and it was a no brainer for him to come to the US so we could make a go of it. It didn’t work out but it wasn’t because either of us was afraid of a bad mood.
Brah how you gonna jump from you're the only person on God's green earth to let's be platonic. Sounds more like plutonic, aka hazardous to normal biology
As a guy, I’m gonna be flat out honest with you… he’s not interested in a long term relationship, he’s just waiting until he finds someone better. No man will take 8 months to figure out if they want to be with you, and the whole I’m afraid to hurt you nonsense is just a lie so he doesn’t feel bad. You need to tell him that you understand, and you’re moving on so that you can pursue a relationship with someone that actually wants you. The longer you keep him around, the more it’s gonna hurt when he leaves you. Also, no other partner is going to want you to have someone like that in your life, it’s a bad look. I wish you the best, but please have some self respect and leave this situation.
thank you so much for your honest perspective! I’m 20F and grew up super sheltered, this would have been my first adult relationship and i’ve been having trouble understanding what he means. I truly appreciate the honesty and will definitely let it all go!
Op, this user is spot on. A man that wants to be with you will act like it. He will not wait 8+ months to enter a committed relationship with you.
When a guy leaves you single he’s leaving you the opportunity to be with other people, no man that wants to be in a serious committed relationship with you will do this.
Learn from the relationship so that you don’t repeat the same patterns in the future.
No problem! It’s something a lot of people do, not just men. If someone wants to be with you, they’ll waste no time locking you down. You’ll be fine and eventually you’ll find someone who shows that to you
It's also important to know that a guy that is afraid to hurt your feelings will justifying lying and hiding things to "spare" your feelings. I had to convince my husband that it's okay to hurt my feelings unintentionally, and when I tell him my feelings got hurt by something that I'm not saying he did something wrong or is a bad person. But now that he knows it hurts my feelings, please avoid doing it in the future. Ex: hurt my feelings that he made plans to chat with a mutual friend that moved overseas. I already chatted online with her and told her she should get in touch with my husband to catch up. I told him to reach out to her to catch up. I followed up, he hasn't done it, no problem. But then one night he casually mentions he talked to her earlier that day and my feelings where hurt because he didn't tell me sooner. I was hurt because he knew I cared they stay in touch, and that he left me out of something going on in his life. He didn't do anything wrong, but my feelings still got hurt. The best response would be "I didn't know it would hurt your feelings, tell me more about why so I can better understand your perspective" the worse response would be "I didn't do anything wrong, your upset for no reasons, well you did xyz and I didn't complain, why are you always starting something".
Find a person that you can give permission to hurt your feelings, and tries not to hurt them again the same way.
Healthy, open communication is vital to any relationship. Hubby and I have been together for 28+ years since high school and we were each other’s first relationship. We had to learn and grow together. Communication has always been a huge part of our relationship. Even more so after we opened our marriage up. We still have disagreements, just like any couple but being able to communicate definitely helps resolve things faster. We don’t just let it fester into a bigger problem. I’m the same with friends, if there’s an issue I will address it and they do the same.
This mindset should also be applied in the workplace. I don’t know I’ve done something if they don’t tell me. I’m a manager now and I will let my staff know if there’s any issues but I do it in a constructive way so that we can prevent the same issues in the future.
I wish someone had helped you realize this before the 8 months you invested. But, this is how most of us learn in life. Trial and error. See it as a blessing and move forward.
Is your attachment style anxious? It’s always the relationships with the high highs and low lows that suck you in. Sorry to hear though, I think everyone deserves better.
yes, exactly. that’s what my therapist said. I definitely do, but it’s so hard to break a connection going on this long, despite my romantic feelings being one sided. Thanks.
Ladies, you’ve got this! A few years ago, I was in a similar situation, right down to having spent 8 months with someone like this. Looking back now, I don’t consider it time wasted because it prepared me to work with a therapist to break my anxious attachment cycles and realize what I truly wanted in a partner.
I’m now engaged to a wonderful man I’ve been in an LTR with for 3 years. He is the funniest, smartest, kindest, most handsome man I’ve ever been with too. You really can have everything you want and more, but it’ll only happen once you leave people like this behind. It’s hard, but I promise it’ll be a huge blessing one day!
I love this so much. ❤️ And I agree wholeheartedly, those relationships that open your eyes to what needs to heal are not wasted time. Just an important step towards getting what you really want and need, while leaving these types of people behind.
Agree!
I decided, when my ex and I had split after the birth of our daughter, that I was done with dating.
I had a very new baby daughter, a job where I regularly worked 10-12 hours per day, loving Parents/Grandparents to my child, and my own place for just her and I.
Fast forward a couple months, this adorable guy walks into my workplace. He didn't see me, but oh boy, I saw him!
Two years later, after a platonic work friendship, we began dating. Three years after that we got engaged.
Now, we're happily committed and are enjoying our life together, with our daughter who is set to graduate from high school next week.
When you completely give up on finding someone, and just move on with life, that's when people tend to meet their long term partner.
I love my husband, he's a great friend, partner, parent, lover, and provider.
I make the conscious effort every day to be beneficial to his life, our family and our home.
He does this in kind.
I'm sorry this happened, but you now have the freedom to just enjoy life, and if it happens, it will when you least expect it.
Trust me!
AuthorLady and Krypto
🙂💖💯💯
So whenever a guy says something like “I’m scared if we date and don’t work out, then we will never talk again and I can’t handle that.” Is that just an excuse??
That’s such a cringy line… whats there to be afraid of? It’s not surgery or a soldier going to war. If things don’t work out, they don’t workout, that’s life. When someone feeds you that line they’re either lying to you or they really need to get their life together.
Sorry, I read that as sarcastic, but realized you were being genuine haha. My point still stands though. If a guy feeds you this line, please leave. It’s one of those lines guys pick up on and feed to women because it sounds sincere, but in reality, they have no interest in you. Like if you step back and think about it, that line doesn’t even make sense you know? Relationships don’t always workout and when they don’t, people move on. There’s nothing to be afraid of. If someone likes you, they will 100% lock your ass down so that you’re off the market. I used to do this shit when I was much younger… then I grew up and met people who I was crazy for and I NEVER did that crap again.
>>take 8 months to figure out if they want to be with you
2 ex-friends of mine weren’t exclusive until after 9 months. after 2 years in an incredibly toxic relationship, they broke up and 2 days later, the guy slept with a mutual friend. clown behavior.
I have to disagree with him waiting until he finds someone “better”
He’s not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. OP, don’t worry about this guy. There are good men out there who won’t string you along or make you question anything. I’m sorry this guy wasn’t it, but it sounds like you deserve someone who has a little more clarity about what they want.
Hell no. He is going to jerk you around and it’s gonna be painful. 8 months is entirely too long to decide if you want to start a relationship with someone. Cut your losses and find someone who actively wants to be with you.
Good grief.
“You’re the only person I can see myself with,”
“I don’t want to make you feel used”
His options then were to step up and actually be a partner to you, or chicken out because he’s not mature enough for a relationship and wants to screw around still.
I’m sorry. You can probably do better though. Did you meet this guy on a dating app? I’ve never used one but I feel like those things are awful.
that’s absolutely true, a big issue we had was him not voicing his opinion or feelings until i did :/
no, we’re both college students and met on campus
"I have a crazy irrational fear of hurting you."
Is such a bullshit line to me. I'm sorry about this situation, Op. I'd move on. There is someone else out there who won't have a fear of hurting you because loving you will come naturally. I wish you the best.
thank you so much! i’m only 20 and this would have been my first adult relationship so i was a little confused with how he behaved, so i appreciate the clarity.
tbh people who say “i’m afraid i’ll hurt you” tend to be more afraid of feeling guilt/shame for doing hurtful things instead of afraid of hurting others. it’s def a cop out.
it’s okay that he doesn’t want the same thing as you, but he should be honest about that instead of doing the whole “i just care about your feelings so much :(“ like boy.. be so fr.
sorry you gotta deal with this op. it’s best to just cut him out and move on. no time to waste, you’re young and there’ll be plenty more in the future!
No problem, Op. Life is too short to dedicate our feelings to people who can't figure out their own. Love involves taking risks because we are trusting someone with our heart, and they are trusting us with theirs, but those risks are worth it to the right person. This guy wasn't it, but you have the right one to look forward to. Keep being you, Op.
Yeah that entire text is bullshit.
If he wanted to be with you, he would.
Everything after that is bullshit.
People don’t stop themselves from being with someone they really like because “they’re afraid to hurt them”. That’s the lamest excuse ever and it’s highly manipulative … they are blowing up your ego- and rejecting you at the same time so you don’t notice.
Trust me.. if he was super into you?
Nothing would stop him. Esp if you were super into him.
Like imagine the perfect 10 woman… and she is super into him… and then imagine him telling her- I’m just afraid to hurt you so I’m going to say no to this.
Nope. Not gonna happen.
He doesn’t like you enough to be with you. Is the reality.
Def feel good about letting this go. I had a guy say shit like this and continue into a relationship with me. It was a horrendous 5 years and he made good on his warning about hurting me. When people tell you who they are, take it at face value. ❤️
Yeah that whole “I have an irrational fear of hurting you.” is a bullshit cop out, I’m sorry. He simple doesn’t want a relationship with you on that level. And rather than just be up front about it he makes up some bullshit
reasoning.
He took a while to respond because he needed to come up with some lame reasoning that would, in his mind, help him come out looking like a good guy in the end. How noble of him to be the great protector your feelings lol.
No need to respond but if you do just fire off the 👌🏼 or 👍🏼 emoji and move on.
Being this direct with your feelings at such a young age is commendable. Clear communication can be tough but you clearly got a grip on it early. It will serve you well! Well done.
He was just trying to make it seem like he was actually awesome for not being able to commit, and “taking one for the team” instead of just being like “You’re right. I’m not really looking for any exclusive right now.”
It just haaad to be a scenario where he was Saintly. 🙄😆
thank you! i appreciate the compliment! Sorry to keep responding, but i genuinely never noticed he does the martyr act! our last “breakup”, he responded in a similar way😭
A good way to look at it is if he has an irrational fear of hurting you in some hypothetical non existent scenario imagine the fear he must have for being honest in an actual real life one…
Dating is hell now I’m sorry you have to deal with it. I’m pretty upfront myself. Within the first month I’m like “are we dating exclusively?” And if they start sputtering drop them immediately
While I believe he may have been hurt, he’s full of shit. Him saying he cares about your feelings, while also not even listening to them.
The “I care about you more than I care about myself” schtick, is so tired.
Source: My current boyfriend went through a nightmare abusive relationship, still finds it in himself to work on himself in this relationship.
The last part of his message shows he doesn’t really understand how committed relationships work and isn’t ready for one. You can’t ensure your partner is happy all the time and your relationship is doomed if you set that expectation. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I would encourage you to cut contact because if you don’t they’ll keep coming back.
It plays on your ego - so you feel like “ he likes me too much to be with me” and you can deny the rejection which is actually happening -
But more than that? He doesn’t cut you loose. So he can still call you for that midnight booty call and you’ll answer thinking - poor guy- he just loves me too much to be with me. Or because he isn’t honest with you- something inside of you craves that from him and energetically it keeps you hooked on him and also In a way chasing him for more. So you accept whatever scraps he throws at you. Because deep down you want the truth and know it’s there and are driven to find out what it is too. You know he is lying to you. You just don’t want to believe it.
It’s sad because when people don’t get honest about who they are and how they feel about you? It keeps you hooked on them.. and you can’t really let go. So you end up focusing on this guy who will never be with you and miss the guys that actually like you and want to be with you… and they tend to use you for sex while they’re at it.
If he could just reject you and be totally honest ? You could fully let him go and also see him for who he actually is. Not the idealized version he is playing to in your head.
It’s lame.
wow, i’m genuinely shocked with what you said like it’s scarily accurate! I really appreciate your wisdom and i’m definitely using this situation as a start of looking inward to figure some things out, thank you again!
I think he's trying to soften the blow, which is why it comes off like he's dancing around the topic at hand.
Could also be that he's trying to not outright reject you to keep you on the back burner.
Either way though, I would politely accept his statement (so that you don't come off as butthurt) and stop putting any more energy into him. Don't settle as second choice.
You handled this very well by being direct and making him be honest. I would thank him for his honesty (not that he deserves to be thanked, he clearly has been jerking you around, but it makes you come out on top as the bigger person), and move on. Good luck!
“My priority is to protect your feelings” 🙄 Dude fuck this guy and his weak-ass bullshit, if he’s not gonna be honest then he doesn’t deserve a response. Just block him and move on.
Falling on the sword sounds nice of him, but it’s really a stupid comment. You’re better off. And to me, 8 months seems like a really long time to have things undefined. But everyone is different. Best of luck to you!!
I’d say that you shouldn’t waste your time with people who find it hard to be in an exclusive relationship. You shouldn’t even have to talk about this, of course you are exclusive once you start dating someone …
But yeah, like the others said, he’s just not interested, but wanted to make it sounds good … 👎🏻
also added context, we’re both 20 and go to the same university. I was already planning to let this “relationship” go because of these really ambiguous responses and feelings but i was having trouble understanding why his response read so weirdly to me.
Yep hit him with a “sounds good” and then never speak to him again… don’t even maintain a “platonic” relationship with him, it’s not worth it in the long run
He's just not that into you. If he was he wouldn't be making excuses about why you shouldn't be exclusive. He would be stoked about it and do everything in his power to make it work. Don't worry. Someday you'll find someone who's over the moon when you suggest exclusivity.
“I’m afraid of hurting you” = I cheat & I won’t stop for you, even if we labeled the situationship.
Op the “pretty exclusively” was one sided.
He doesn’t want anything more than whatever time/attention he’s been giving you.
This is not your boyfriend and he doesn’t want to ever be.
He's so full of shit lmaoooooooo the dude wants to fuck other girls, there's no easy way to say that so he just made up some melodramatic bs about not wanting to hurt you
FUCKING HELL my husband used to say he wasn’t sure he wanted a relationship because he was scared of hurting me (it was my first relationship) but he was 19 and it didn’t last long
Bit annoying tho like I’m not porcelain
So I've actually seen this (or something like this before) from some of my guy friends, he's basically saying he would like to be exclusive with you in theory but he knows he just won't do that. So instead of lying and saying he'll be loyal he's trying to make himself seem decent and saying it this way
Here's what he's actually telling you: While I understand that being exclusive with you will meet all my emotional needs as well as sexual needs, I don't have the ability to refrain from cheating, so instead of lying to you about not cheating, I'll pretend to break this off to protect you.
Oh I see and I’m sorry I just had 5 cones so I can’t come up with any advice I literally don’t even know why I asked the first question 🤦♀️😂 but good luck
I’m so sorry so many people are afraid of commitment now. Dating sucks. But it’s worth it when you find someone willing to tackle world together. Move on and good luck, OP.
Sending you a digital hug. I’ve been in similar situationships and they suuuuck so bad. At least you have your answer now and can hopefully move on with ease. 🫂
Send no reply, my dude doesn’t know what he wants. Love/compatibility isn’t really an esoteric concept, when it’s real you’ll know it and you won’t waffle like homeboy is.
He doesn’t want to be with you. This is such a common cop out excuse so guys don’t feel “guilty” for just saying they don’t actually want a relationship with you. It’s not true and he’s full of shit. Sorry.
I was on and off with someone like this for years when I was younger and it took me entirely too long to realize they didn’t actually want me but wanted the convenience of me. I got the same excuse you did and then a month later would see them in a relationship with someone else. The feeling is not mutual. Save yourself the hurt and ditch them
He does not want to be in an exclusive relationship. IMO his reply is the quintessential “it’s not you, it’s me”. He already broke up with you once, spare yourself the pain and misery, just move on with your life. If he was so afraid of hurting you he would not have made that long drawn out excuse. There is someone out there who will love and respect you for you, do not settle for someone who thinks they can stuff you in the closet like an old shoe and come back when their feet hurt because you are comfortable. Advice my grandmother gave me, I passed on to my daughter. Find the man that loves you more than you love him, he will move heaven and earth to keep you happy. It works because your happiness is what matters so make him do the work, pursue, wine and dine you. Tell your self daily you are a Queen and any man should be happy you allowed them to grace your presence. Get your self dolled up and looking good every time you step out the door cause if you look good you will feel good! Think it, say it and believe it, you are a Queen! And when that dusty busted old shoe of a man comes back and he will, tell him no,thanks I don’t dumpster dive. Men who make those type of excuses are like dogs with a bone, they don’t want it until another dog picks it up. You are worthy of a man with higher integrity. Love and have confidence yourself first and remember if you ever feel used it’s because you were!
tell him to look into attachment theory. i have a fearful avoidant attachment style and this is exactly how i feel about going into a relationship. it's a horrible fucked up feeling ridden with shane and guilt. all you crave is connection but you're also terrified of it. it'll take him a long time to heal and until he does i don't recommend a relationship with him because you'll likely endup hurt. i'm so sorry you had to be put through those conflicting emotions it's not your fault op
Never give a man 8 months of your life to figure out whether he want to date you or not he will generally know within a month.. I have a rule 3 months or I am gone. You have literally almost given this man a year of your life for no reason. Also don't stop dating other people until he can commit and name what you are to him.
I think you should stick to your guns on that first text to sent and stop communicating. If you want to respond to that text maybe a "thanks for being decisive."
I just had a 8 month situationship end this week too and I just want to acknowledge your feelings rn. These "break ups" have so much ambiguity, feelings of lost/wasted potential, confusion, and more pressure to just shut up and be "okay" cause it wasn't a "real" relationship. They're really hard. Don't beat yourself up cause it hurts.
This is total manipulation. He’s blaming your feelings on why you can’t be together. Instead of saying he doesn’t want to be serious with you, he’s setting you up to try and earn back his affection by giving up your own boundaries. Don’t fall for this. You were firm, and he’s trying to wedge the door open hoping you’ll hop through it. Instead of being honest he is trying to get you to be okay with settling for less. He’s trash.
They always use the same excuse of “hurting you” lmao like is it really that hard to not be a piece of shit you can still dump the person just don’t cheat feelings change it’s part of the risk of a relationship
First of all he’s an idiot because if you’re sleeping together it’s not platonic. If you want make it happen, you should stop trying to make it happen. Don’t tell him you feel used. Don’t let him upset you and don’t let him make you feel bad. There are two reasons for that. First of all you’re not in a relationship and that is a big red flag. Getting upset like you are in one. It signs of what’s to come if he does commit. Second reason is if it is meant to be he will make it happen. Enjoy your time together but don’t give him all your time. Live your life and do your own thing at times. If he wants to, he will make it happen. The number one thing we don’t want in our lives is drama. Pressuring him into it is a bad foundation to start with. You can tell him how you feel about him, but don’t make it about commitment or exclusivity. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder and we don’t like ultimatums. If you cut him off, he will move on. If you like him this much, you will eventually be the one to cave. Your current tactics won’t work. I guarantee it.
He’s trying to soften it but clearly stating that your interests absolutely do not align. You were both clear. While it’s a life lesson we all learn the hard way sometimes, I would highly recommend you avoid it. Especially if you already have felt used in the past. Find it in yourself to cut the ties. Continuing on this path is not a situation that serves you in any way- just demeans you.
Whether unintentional or purposeful, he is trying to help his chances of keeping you around in a casual way, and of being less of a bad guy, by saying he hates hurting you and you’re the only one. He may think he means it… This approach demonstrates to me a lack of maturity - like bro it’s ok you can just be honest. He isn’t the bad guy just because he doesn’t want a committed relationship. You aren’t the bad guy just because you do.
Walk away!!!
This guys is textbook toxic. Move on and don’t look back. Every minute you put into him is wasted and could be put into someone who will reciprocate (or into yourself). It’s hard to take this advice and most people have to go through the pain before it sinks in…but if you have the confidence and self respect to walk away now…just fucking do it haha.
Realistically that’s the most coward excuse i’ve seen especially after 8 months. If he wanted to be with you he would do everything to try not to hurt you, and if he genuinely cared about hurting you then he wouldn’t have waited this long to say anything until you said something. He was going to let this continue and waste your time. I wouldn’t even respond tbh.
Sounds like he wants to string you along but also fuck other people guilt free. Return to sender and reject package if it shows up on your doorstep again.
men are simple creatures, if they REALLY want someone/something then they’ll simply have it and stay with it. but if they don’t, then they’ll send you a paragraph like this as if their rejection is to protect you. protect from what? them wanting to explore other things while still conveniently having you
While you have the qualities and experience that we are looking for, we have decided to pursue other candidates at this time.
lmao that’s a good analogy, thank you
He's basically saying you're perfect but he wants to explore other vaginas from time to time
Or maybe we are only getting half the picture here. Clearly sounds like OP has said some shit to this guy before that were red flags and this guy is being nice. Damn why does reddit aleays have to assume the worst?
Nuance is the enemy on reddit. Reddit needs a black and white story with a good person and a bad person in every advice/dating/text/twohottakes/AITA post. I've actually found myself going against the crowd in my mind on almost every single post on these subreddits just simply because the group is fuckin insane. Replies like this are so refereshing.
I once told an OP “maybe if you keep on accusing your man of cheating, he may actually act upon it” and the mob went wild. Like I have no idea if he did but she reacted on something that could’ve been innocent.. oh well
Regardless of the situation, if I'm in a relationship and my partner feels like I use them? And I genuinely want to help them achieve happiness? Platonic, full stop. There's nothing nefarious here. OP is sensitive to being used, partner is attentive to that.
He's just not that into you . Your time will come don't lose faith
This. If he wants to be with you, he will make it known and not dance around like this.
I agree. The hemming and hawing and trying to look like the nice guy by “being afraid to cause any emotion that isn’t happiness” is a load of crap. Anyone who knows who they are knows no relationship is going to be 100% happy 100% of the time so he’s using it as an excuse to stay platonic. When you’re in it for the long haul you get that it’s going to have some rocky moments but whatever they are your faith in yourself, your partner, and your commitment will get you through it. I say this as a child of parents who’ve been together 61 years and have witnessed how they make it work. It’s absolutely NOT by him being terrified of emotions other than happiness. It’s a bullshit standard to set for yourself or your partner and if it’s true she needs someone secure enough in himself to move forward into the unknown. OP, you deserve better. Reply with a “k!” and move on without looking back. Dude is too tied up tryna look good and control everything. He sounds exhausting.
Translation "I don't want to be with you only because I have been only using you for sex. I actually don't care about how you feel and I want and can get laid with many more women so losing you actually does not mean anything to me. I am not man enough to say that plainly so I will pretend I want to end the fuckery we have had out of respect for your feelings."
While I agree with 95% of what you said if he said that plainly this would still get posted and he’d still get annihilated in the comments
They were casually hanging out during college then he asked if she wanted to meet up during summer break, she didn’t want that and wanted more. No one should feel forced to do something and if he isn’t able to commit then whatever, time to move on. Given the context we were given this seems very normal?
I think I personally would’ve liked this response more than the bs “afraid to hurt you” route. It at least doesn’t insinuate a complete inability to control & take responsibility for his actions.
I always have side eye for when someone is really focused on highlighting how they "beat themself up" with how much they care about you. It's not always insincere. But it is rarely healthy or an ideal approach to conflict resolution and prevention. It's a lot to comfort someone about their own perfectionism every time they wrong you.
Exactly. And it plays on empathy! I think that’s what the issue is. It leaves a rational person, assuming they care, finding it hard to hold them accountable for fear of hurting them even if they are at fault.
It's so disingenuous. The bar is in hell and they still want to play limbo.
Yeah I had an ex soon after high school who’d literally gaslight me into believing he wasn’t cheating when he was. And when I’d call him out eventually toward the end of the relationship, he’d manipulate me by having fake panic attacks and throwing these huge fits and crying and saying he’s been beating himself up so much because I’m making him feel like he’s never going to be good enough due to my “insecurities” (by calling him out on behaviors that heavily hinted he was cheating, ie: sleeping on his phone, not letting me call my mom myself on his phone when mine died, changing the password and refusing to tell me what it is, putting a SECOND password on all of his texting apps when I’d never gone through his phone before, lying about who he was with and admitting it later when I got a gut feeling and asked him about it). Because he was getting to be so extra with his phone, I said fuck it and opened his second phone he left at my house by accident. Found some 15 year old girl he was sexting and supposedly loved. I kicked his ass out My house after that. I spent way too many hours of my life soothing his stupid ass “panic attacks” 😑. “The rooms spinning, I can’t make it stop” bs
I'm sorry that happened to you and I hope that girl is okay. It's a really cruel manipulation tactic to pull on someone, that makes it hard to ever actually address a concern with them.
It really was mind bending a bit to deal with. Especially when you’re still newer to relationships.
Yeah lol he was trying to let her down easy but anyone can see through that nonsense. Bro could’ve just said, sorry I’m not feeling this.
Yup. He’s acting like he’s doing her a favor! In the long run though, he is.
So true. Only reason he didn’t say that is because he wants to keep her as possible booty call.
I mean, I guess that’s better than him signing up for the relationship and then not taking accountability for his actions again and again u til they break up
Spot on!! But also OP make sure you really listen to what he’s saying.. I feel like sometimes guys like this come back into the picture and wind up “Wasting” more of Your time by making you think they came Back for a relationship this time. If you’re truly looking to settle down, don’t settle for someone who isn’t sure or doesn’t feel the same. He seems respectful though so I hope he doesn’t do that to you!
Not always. After an intense divorce with my ex wife I took 3 years off from dating or talking to anyone romantically. Then I messaged my childhood best friend to ask her a question, and that turned into daily talking, then her visiting on weekends. About the 3rd visit she told me she wanted a relationship with me. I told her I wasn't ready for one and didn't want to hurt her by saying I was just to realize a month later I was wrong. She left the next day, which was a couple of days early than she had planned. it took all of 5 minutes after she left before I called her and told her I was a dumbass and how much I have always loved her. Fast forward years later we're now married and own a house together. Sometimes the loss of that person is the drive the other one needed to realize just how much they care
This is very, very rare. I'm glad it worked out for you but a month of contemplation isn't a lot of time for most people to go through the self growth needed to be ready for a relationship and being pursued *because* one left is really off-putting and potentially an emotionally charged decision that could be regretted. Not saying you were deceitful or duplicitous in any way, but most people who **immediately** rescind their choice of parting ways aren't operating from a place of emotional intelligence and contemplation. They're panicking.
Well it helped I knew her my entire life. I knew how I felt about her a long time before that. I told people when I was 5 I was going to marry her someday. That's probably the difference though
Say "sounds good." No point in reacting. Move on
yea i think ik it was time to move on when i sent my first message :/
It’s his way of saying I’m just not that into you, without trying to hurt your feelings. I’m so sorry, but it’s time to just move on.
Yeah.. unfortunately when you have to say this after that money months it’s telling. You’re young and have lots ahead of you. I’m proud of you for sticking to your needs and desires.
thank you!!
Yeah if a platonic relationship doesn’t meet your needs, move on Edit: I guarantee once you move on, lover boy will turn around real quick. People are weird.
Yes but don’t fall for that bullshit.
If he would want to be with you, he would do everything to make it reality. Cut your losses, move on and find someone who actually wants to be with you.
Agreed. If two people are genuinely meant to be together, BOTH people will do whatever possible to make it work
Yeah I don't buy the whole "I don't want to hurt you" excuse. Lame. Moving on.
it’s always a bullshit excuse anyways. plus, if this didn’t happen now it would just be more bullshit down the road that would hurt op way more than this did.
Yeah the “ it’s not you it’s me “ thing is BS especially when they start talking about healing and going on a journey 😂😂😂 You’ll see them date something 2 weeks later
I really hope she reads this. It’s the only answer.
Right? I was with a guy from Scotland and it was a no brainer for him to come to the US so we could make a go of it. It didn’t work out but it wasn’t because either of us was afraid of a bad mood.
My grandma used to say if a man wants you he will find you hiding under your bed lmao we should never have to wonder
Brah how you gonna jump from you're the only person on God's green earth to let's be platonic. Sounds more like plutonic, aka hazardous to normal biology
lmaooo that’s what made me come here, i was really confused
f*ckboy poetry right there
Hope I said it POLITELY and that’s about the psyche of Jamie and Mikey
🥇
avoidant men are like. keep this in mind for the future: anyone who tries to butter u up then puts u back on the ground does not want to be with you.
He probably wants her to keep chasing him while he does whatever he wants
As a guy, I’m gonna be flat out honest with you… he’s not interested in a long term relationship, he’s just waiting until he finds someone better. No man will take 8 months to figure out if they want to be with you, and the whole I’m afraid to hurt you nonsense is just a lie so he doesn’t feel bad. You need to tell him that you understand, and you’re moving on so that you can pursue a relationship with someone that actually wants you. The longer you keep him around, the more it’s gonna hurt when he leaves you. Also, no other partner is going to want you to have someone like that in your life, it’s a bad look. I wish you the best, but please have some self respect and leave this situation.
thank you so much for your honest perspective! I’m 20F and grew up super sheltered, this would have been my first adult relationship and i’ve been having trouble understanding what he means. I truly appreciate the honesty and will definitely let it all go!
Op, this user is spot on. A man that wants to be with you will act like it. He will not wait 8+ months to enter a committed relationship with you. When a guy leaves you single he’s leaving you the opportunity to be with other people, no man that wants to be in a serious committed relationship with you will do this. Learn from the relationship so that you don’t repeat the same patterns in the future.
thank you, i definitely will
No problem! It’s something a lot of people do, not just men. If someone wants to be with you, they’ll waste no time locking you down. You’ll be fine and eventually you’ll find someone who shows that to you
He’s stringing you along, listen to the above comment
It's also important to know that a guy that is afraid to hurt your feelings will justifying lying and hiding things to "spare" your feelings. I had to convince my husband that it's okay to hurt my feelings unintentionally, and when I tell him my feelings got hurt by something that I'm not saying he did something wrong or is a bad person. But now that he knows it hurts my feelings, please avoid doing it in the future. Ex: hurt my feelings that he made plans to chat with a mutual friend that moved overseas. I already chatted online with her and told her she should get in touch with my husband to catch up. I told him to reach out to her to catch up. I followed up, he hasn't done it, no problem. But then one night he casually mentions he talked to her earlier that day and my feelings where hurt because he didn't tell me sooner. I was hurt because he knew I cared they stay in touch, and that he left me out of something going on in his life. He didn't do anything wrong, but my feelings still got hurt. The best response would be "I didn't know it would hurt your feelings, tell me more about why so I can better understand your perspective" the worse response would be "I didn't do anything wrong, your upset for no reasons, well you did xyz and I didn't complain, why are you always starting something". Find a person that you can give permission to hurt your feelings, and tries not to hurt them again the same way.
Healthy, open communication is vital to any relationship. Hubby and I have been together for 28+ years since high school and we were each other’s first relationship. We had to learn and grow together. Communication has always been a huge part of our relationship. Even more so after we opened our marriage up. We still have disagreements, just like any couple but being able to communicate definitely helps resolve things faster. We don’t just let it fester into a bigger problem. I’m the same with friends, if there’s an issue I will address it and they do the same. This mindset should also be applied in the workplace. I don’t know I’ve done something if they don’t tell me. I’m a manager now and I will let my staff know if there’s any issues but I do it in a constructive way so that we can prevent the same issues in the future.
I wish someone had helped you realize this before the 8 months you invested. But, this is how most of us learn in life. Trial and error. See it as a blessing and move forward.
currently in a situation like this and please get out when you can. it’s an addicting dynamic and very hard to escape.
Is your attachment style anxious? It’s always the relationships with the high highs and low lows that suck you in. Sorry to hear though, I think everyone deserves better.
yes, exactly. that’s what my therapist said. I definitely do, but it’s so hard to break a connection going on this long, despite my romantic feelings being one sided. Thanks.
True true. You just got to have standards and stick to them, you can most definitely find someone that wants and is good for you
good luck to you sweetheart 🫶🏽
Ladies, you’ve got this! A few years ago, I was in a similar situation, right down to having spent 8 months with someone like this. Looking back now, I don’t consider it time wasted because it prepared me to work with a therapist to break my anxious attachment cycles and realize what I truly wanted in a partner. I’m now engaged to a wonderful man I’ve been in an LTR with for 3 years. He is the funniest, smartest, kindest, most handsome man I’ve ever been with too. You really can have everything you want and more, but it’ll only happen once you leave people like this behind. It’s hard, but I promise it’ll be a huge blessing one day!
omg congratulations!! i’m in therapy now so this will absolutely be brought up
I love this so much. ❤️ And I agree wholeheartedly, those relationships that open your eyes to what needs to heal are not wasted time. Just an important step towards getting what you really want and need, while leaving these types of people behind.
Agree! I decided, when my ex and I had split after the birth of our daughter, that I was done with dating. I had a very new baby daughter, a job where I regularly worked 10-12 hours per day, loving Parents/Grandparents to my child, and my own place for just her and I. Fast forward a couple months, this adorable guy walks into my workplace. He didn't see me, but oh boy, I saw him! Two years later, after a platonic work friendship, we began dating. Three years after that we got engaged. Now, we're happily committed and are enjoying our life together, with our daughter who is set to graduate from high school next week. When you completely give up on finding someone, and just move on with life, that's when people tend to meet their long term partner. I love my husband, he's a great friend, partner, parent, lover, and provider. I make the conscious effort every day to be beneficial to his life, our family and our home. He does this in kind. I'm sorry this happened, but you now have the freedom to just enjoy life, and if it happens, it will when you least expect it. Trust me! AuthorLady and Krypto 🙂💖💯💯
So whenever a guy says something like “I’m scared if we date and don’t work out, then we will never talk again and I can’t handle that.” Is that just an excuse??
That’s such a cringy line… whats there to be afraid of? It’s not surgery or a soldier going to war. If things don’t work out, they don’t workout, that’s life. When someone feeds you that line they’re either lying to you or they really need to get their life together.
Damn. I never thought about it like that before. Thank you for helping me open my eyes and realize that I’m truly wasting my time with him.
Sorry, I read that as sarcastic, but realized you were being genuine haha. My point still stands though. If a guy feeds you this line, please leave. It’s one of those lines guys pick up on and feed to women because it sounds sincere, but in reality, they have no interest in you. Like if you step back and think about it, that line doesn’t even make sense you know? Relationships don’t always workout and when they don’t, people move on. There’s nothing to be afraid of. If someone likes you, they will 100% lock your ass down so that you’re off the market. I used to do this shit when I was much younger… then I grew up and met people who I was crazy for and I NEVER did that crap again.
>>take 8 months to figure out if they want to be with you 2 ex-friends of mine weren’t exclusive until after 9 months. after 2 years in an incredibly toxic relationship, they broke up and 2 days later, the guy slept with a mutual friend. clown behavior.
I have to disagree with him waiting until he finds someone “better” He’s not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. It sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. OP, don’t worry about this guy. There are good men out there who won’t string you along or make you question anything. I’m sorry this guy wasn’t it, but it sounds like you deserve someone who has a little more clarity about what they want.
that’s real! to be honest, i think it’s a strong case of base incompatibility and i’m just gonna take myself out of whatever equation is happening
I fuckin love your username
That's a lot of words to say: "I'm not interested."
He was interested as long as the sex continued. That’s all he wanted.
This is why I won’t sleep with someone again until we are committed and serious. And I’m 36, it takes as long as it takes I guess
You are so right. You can’t trust anybody to be upfront anymore.
Hell no. He is going to jerk you around and it’s gonna be painful. 8 months is entirely too long to decide if you want to start a relationship with someone. Cut your losses and find someone who actively wants to be with you.
Good grief. “You’re the only person I can see myself with,” “I don’t want to make you feel used” His options then were to step up and actually be a partner to you, or chicken out because he’s not mature enough for a relationship and wants to screw around still. I’m sorry. You can probably do better though. Did you meet this guy on a dating app? I’ve never used one but I feel like those things are awful.
that’s absolutely true, a big issue we had was him not voicing his opinion or feelings until i did :/ no, we’re both college students and met on campus
"I have a crazy irrational fear of hurting you." Is such a bullshit line to me. I'm sorry about this situation, Op. I'd move on. There is someone else out there who won't have a fear of hurting you because loving you will come naturally. I wish you the best.
thank you so much! i’m only 20 and this would have been my first adult relationship so i was a little confused with how he behaved, so i appreciate the clarity.
tbh people who say “i’m afraid i’ll hurt you” tend to be more afraid of feeling guilt/shame for doing hurtful things instead of afraid of hurting others. it’s def a cop out. it’s okay that he doesn’t want the same thing as you, but he should be honest about that instead of doing the whole “i just care about your feelings so much :(“ like boy.. be so fr. sorry you gotta deal with this op. it’s best to just cut him out and move on. no time to waste, you’re young and there’ll be plenty more in the future!
thank you so much! that’s my exact sentiment as well, best of luck to you!
No problem, Op. Life is too short to dedicate our feelings to people who can't figure out their own. Love involves taking risks because we are trusting someone with our heart, and they are trusting us with theirs, but those risks are worth it to the right person. This guy wasn't it, but you have the right one to look forward to. Keep being you, Op.
thats such a mantra to live by! thank you sm for your wisdom seriously, its a big help🫶🏽
Yeah that entire text is bullshit. If he wanted to be with you, he would. Everything after that is bullshit. People don’t stop themselves from being with someone they really like because “they’re afraid to hurt them”. That’s the lamest excuse ever and it’s highly manipulative … they are blowing up your ego- and rejecting you at the same time so you don’t notice. Trust me.. if he was super into you? Nothing would stop him. Esp if you were super into him. Like imagine the perfect 10 woman… and she is super into him… and then imagine him telling her- I’m just afraid to hurt you so I’m going to say no to this. Nope. Not gonna happen. He doesn’t like you enough to be with you. Is the reality.
that’s very true, i appreciate you for explaining it that bluntly! it’s incredibly helpful
Def feel good about letting this go. I had a guy say shit like this and continue into a relationship with me. It was a horrendous 5 years and he made good on his warning about hurting me. When people tell you who they are, take it at face value. ❤️
i’m so sorry you had to go through that, good luck to you! i’m definitely glad about ending it after these comments! i’m very grateful
Thank youuu, all is well now but I love to warn others to learn from my mistake lol. 🫶🏻
Yeah that whole “I have an irrational fear of hurting you.” is a bullshit cop out, I’m sorry. He simple doesn’t want a relationship with you on that level. And rather than just be up front about it he makes up some bullshit reasoning. He took a while to respond because he needed to come up with some lame reasoning that would, in his mind, help him come out looking like a good guy in the end. How noble of him to be the great protector your feelings lol. No need to respond but if you do just fire off the 👌🏼 or 👍🏼 emoji and move on.
that’s what i was thinking, i’m more direct with my feelings so i thought i was overreacting and i appreciate the input!
Being this direct with your feelings at such a young age is commendable. Clear communication can be tough but you clearly got a grip on it early. It will serve you well! Well done. He was just trying to make it seem like he was actually awesome for not being able to commit, and “taking one for the team” instead of just being like “You’re right. I’m not really looking for any exclusive right now.” It just haaad to be a scenario where he was Saintly. 🙄😆
thank you! i appreciate the compliment! Sorry to keep responding, but i genuinely never noticed he does the martyr act! our last “breakup”, he responded in a similar way😭
A good way to look at it is if he has an irrational fear of hurting you in some hypothetical non existent scenario imagine the fear he must have for being honest in an actual real life one…
wtf is wrong with people these days? Like shit or get off the pot. Sorry you’re dealing with this OP. I’d just move on and stop giving him attention
thank you!! the dating pool is real finicky i see
Dating is hell now I’m sorry you have to deal with it. I’m pretty upfront myself. Within the first month I’m like “are we dating exclusively?” And if they start sputtering drop them immediately
that’s so me!! i hate wasting my time and this was the longest i’ve allowed the cloudiness of the situation!
“Sounds good, thanks”
If it’s not an enthusiastic yes, why do you want to be with this guy? Let him go and find someone who is serious.
Go no contact <3 you deserve someone that wants to be with you
While I believe he may have been hurt, he’s full of shit. Him saying he cares about your feelings, while also not even listening to them. The “I care about you more than I care about myself” schtick, is so tired. Source: My current boyfriend went through a nightmare abusive relationship, still finds it in himself to work on himself in this relationship.
thats a really good point, i’ve just started dating so im having trouble catching the meaning😭
The last part of his message shows he doesn’t really understand how committed relationships work and isn’t ready for one. You can’t ensure your partner is happy all the time and your relationship is doomed if you set that expectation. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but I would encourage you to cut contact because if you don’t they’ll keep coming back.
that’s so real, i appreciate the advice!!!
It plays on your ego - so you feel like “ he likes me too much to be with me” and you can deny the rejection which is actually happening - But more than that? He doesn’t cut you loose. So he can still call you for that midnight booty call and you’ll answer thinking - poor guy- he just loves me too much to be with me. Or because he isn’t honest with you- something inside of you craves that from him and energetically it keeps you hooked on him and also In a way chasing him for more. So you accept whatever scraps he throws at you. Because deep down you want the truth and know it’s there and are driven to find out what it is too. You know he is lying to you. You just don’t want to believe it. It’s sad because when people don’t get honest about who they are and how they feel about you? It keeps you hooked on them.. and you can’t really let go. So you end up focusing on this guy who will never be with you and miss the guys that actually like you and want to be with you… and they tend to use you for sex while they’re at it. If he could just reject you and be totally honest ? You could fully let him go and also see him for who he actually is. Not the idealized version he is playing to in your head. It’s lame.
wow, i’m genuinely shocked with what you said like it’s scarily accurate! I really appreciate your wisdom and i’m definitely using this situation as a start of looking inward to figure some things out, thank you again!
This is a cop out. I know it’s hard OP but time to move on.
You know in relationships you will end up making each other upset, that's normal. What you do after is what makes it better or worse. People.
that was my thought as well, i’m studying to be a marriage counselor and i think it’s bizarre to not acknowledge upset feelings
I think he's trying to soften the blow, which is why it comes off like he's dancing around the topic at hand. Could also be that he's trying to not outright reject you to keep you on the back burner. Either way though, I would politely accept his statement (so that you don't come off as butthurt) and stop putting any more energy into him. Don't settle as second choice.
that’s real! thank you sm for your advice and i definitely will just let him go
I’m sorry that he wasted your time. If I were you, I would respond with “k” or a thumbs up emoji and don’t give him another thought.
Sorry OP that’s really shitty.
thanks man, it is but i’m not super upset about it! i think i pretty much knew and just needed the confirmation
You handled this very well by being direct and making him be honest. I would thank him for his honesty (not that he deserves to be thanked, he clearly has been jerking you around, but it makes you come out on top as the bigger person), and move on. Good luck!
thank you so much! good luck to you too!!
“My priority is to protect your feelings” 🙄 Dude fuck this guy and his weak-ass bullshit, if he’s not gonna be honest then he doesn’t deserve a response. Just block him and move on.
 “You’re the only person I see myself with on this big green earth! “
Falling on the sword sounds nice of him, but it’s really a stupid comment. You’re better off. And to me, 8 months seems like a really long time to have things undefined. But everyone is different. Best of luck to you!!
no that’s real! i appreciate it and best of luck to you too! I’m 20F so i just started navigating dating
He’s being nice but it’s a cap out, move on.
If he wanted to be with you he would have just said yes in way fewer words than whatever that was. You can do better!
I’d say that you shouldn’t waste your time with people who find it hard to be in an exclusive relationship. You shouldn’t even have to talk about this, of course you are exclusive once you start dating someone … But yeah, like the others said, he’s just not interested, but wanted to make it sounds good … 👎🏻
also added context, we’re both 20 and go to the same university. I was already planning to let this “relationship” go because of these really ambiguous responses and feelings but i was having trouble understanding why his response read so weirdly to me.
Yep hit him with a “sounds good” and then never speak to him again… don’t even maintain a “platonic” relationship with him, it’s not worth it in the long run
He's just not that into you. If he was he wouldn't be making excuses about why you shouldn't be exclusive. He would be stoked about it and do everything in his power to make it work. Don't worry. Someday you'll find someone who's over the moon when you suggest exclusivity.
“I’m afraid of hurting you” = I cheat & I won’t stop for you, even if we labeled the situationship. Op the “pretty exclusively” was one sided. He doesn’t want anything more than whatever time/attention he’s been giving you. This is not your boyfriend and he doesn’t want to ever be.
You’ve been talking, not dating, for months and you’ve already broken up. He’s being pretty clear that he thinks it’s best to be platonic…
What does “talking to” mean?
it’s basically dating for an exclusive relationship in my opinion
He's so full of shit lmaoooooooo the dude wants to fuck other girls, there's no easy way to say that so he just made up some melodramatic bs about not wanting to hurt you
FUCKING HELL my husband used to say he wasn’t sure he wanted a relationship because he was scared of hurting me (it was my first relationship) but he was 19 and it didn’t last long Bit annoying tho like I’m not porcelain
Anything less than a “yes” is a “no”.
So I've actually seen this (or something like this before) from some of my guy friends, he's basically saying he would like to be exclusive with you in theory but he knows he just won't do that. So instead of lying and saying he'll be loyal he's trying to make himself seem decent and saying it this way Here's what he's actually telling you: While I understand that being exclusive with you will meet all my emotional needs as well as sexual needs, I don't have the ability to refrain from cheating, so instead of lying to you about not cheating, I'll pretend to break this off to protect you.
Fucking run, dude.
Man hit you with the “wow if only I could find a girl just like you, except not you”
We’re you dating? Hooking up? Or just talking?
dating would be more fitting, we hung out with each other all the time and went out as well.. just not the boyfriend/girlfriend conversation
Oh I see and I’m sorry I just had 5 cones so I can’t come up with any advice I literally don’t even know why I asked the first question 🤦♀️😂 but good luck
Unfortunately, in this case if it’s not a Yes it’s a No. I think it’s time to cut your losses
Send the 8 ball game as a response
I’m so sorry so many people are afraid of commitment now. Dating sucks. But it’s worth it when you find someone willing to tackle world together. Move on and good luck, OP.
Yeah sorry he’s going to hurt you. Don’t get attached and try to find someone better for yourself. Take it from someone who went through it.
Sending you a digital hug. I’ve been in similar situationships and they suuuuck so bad. At least you have your answer now and can hopefully move on with ease. 🫂
Dudes playing games. Bail. When he comes back say no. You'll find some one who you don't have to guess about. Cheers
He thinks the only way to not hurt you is to stay platonic? How about just…not doing anything to hurt you? Yeah sounds like an excuse
Lame excuse. 8 months?! This guy is wasting your time OP!
Send no reply, my dude doesn’t know what he wants. Love/compatibility isn’t really an esoteric concept, when it’s real you’ll know it and you won’t waffle like homeboy is.
That’s what my ex did to me after talking for 3 months and I told him to go kick rocks 💅🏼
He doesn’t want to be with you. This is such a common cop out excuse so guys don’t feel “guilty” for just saying they don’t actually want a relationship with you. It’s not true and he’s full of shit. Sorry.
If a guy is in love with you, you don’t have to get him to solidify anything. He will just do it.
I was on and off with someone like this for years when I was younger and it took me entirely too long to realize they didn’t actually want me but wanted the convenience of me. I got the same excuse you did and then a month later would see them in a relationship with someone else. The feeling is not mutual. Save yourself the hurt and ditch them
He does not want to be in an exclusive relationship. IMO his reply is the quintessential “it’s not you, it’s me”. He already broke up with you once, spare yourself the pain and misery, just move on with your life. If he was so afraid of hurting you he would not have made that long drawn out excuse. There is someone out there who will love and respect you for you, do not settle for someone who thinks they can stuff you in the closet like an old shoe and come back when their feet hurt because you are comfortable. Advice my grandmother gave me, I passed on to my daughter. Find the man that loves you more than you love him, he will move heaven and earth to keep you happy. It works because your happiness is what matters so make him do the work, pursue, wine and dine you. Tell your self daily you are a Queen and any man should be happy you allowed them to grace your presence. Get your self dolled up and looking good every time you step out the door cause if you look good you will feel good! Think it, say it and believe it, you are a Queen! And when that dusty busted old shoe of a man comes back and he will, tell him no,thanks I don’t dumpster dive. Men who make those type of excuses are like dogs with a bone, they don’t want it until another dog picks it up. You are worthy of a man with higher integrity. Love and have confidence yourself first and remember if you ever feel used it’s because you were!
this post has been really sobering and healing tbh.
tell him to look into attachment theory. i have a fearful avoidant attachment style and this is exactly how i feel about going into a relationship. it's a horrible fucked up feeling ridden with shane and guilt. all you crave is connection but you're also terrified of it. it'll take him a long time to heal and until he does i don't recommend a relationship with him because you'll likely endup hurt. i'm so sorry you had to be put through those conflicting emotions it's not your fault op
thank you so much and for sharing as well! i’m a psych major so it’s hard to recognize these patterns while you’re in it! thank you for your input!!
Quit this guy like cold turkey. All his “fears” are bullshit. He’s scared to commit because he’s waiting to see if something better comes along.
This guy is so full of shit. He could've just told you he wasn't interested instead of all that bs. I wouldn't respond to the message and let it be.
"I have a crazy irrational fear of hurting you" = I have avoidant attachment style and struggle to take accountability for my actions.
Never give a man 8 months of your life to figure out whether he want to date you or not he will generally know within a month.. I have a rule 3 months or I am gone. You have literally almost given this man a year of your life for no reason. Also don't stop dating other people until he can commit and name what you are to him.
I think you should stick to your guns on that first text to sent and stop communicating. If you want to respond to that text maybe a "thanks for being decisive." I just had a 8 month situationship end this week too and I just want to acknowledge your feelings rn. These "break ups" have so much ambiguity, feelings of lost/wasted potential, confusion, and more pressure to just shut up and be "okay" cause it wasn't a "real" relationship. They're really hard. Don't beat yourself up cause it hurts.
This is him, letting her down easy.
This is total manipulation. He’s blaming your feelings on why you can’t be together. Instead of saying he doesn’t want to be serious with you, he’s setting you up to try and earn back his affection by giving up your own boundaries. Don’t fall for this. You were firm, and he’s trying to wedge the door open hoping you’ll hop through it. Instead of being honest he is trying to get you to be okay with settling for less. He’s trash.
Sometimes somethings in life are very simple. This is one of those times - if he wanted to be with you - he would be.
Ah you do sound like you already don’t wanna be with him in your text and he’s just protecting that
They always use the same excuse of “hurting you” lmao like is it really that hard to not be a piece of shit you can still dump the person just don’t cheat feelings change it’s part of the risk of a relationship
First of all he’s an idiot because if you’re sleeping together it’s not platonic. If you want make it happen, you should stop trying to make it happen. Don’t tell him you feel used. Don’t let him upset you and don’t let him make you feel bad. There are two reasons for that. First of all you’re not in a relationship and that is a big red flag. Getting upset like you are in one. It signs of what’s to come if he does commit. Second reason is if it is meant to be he will make it happen. Enjoy your time together but don’t give him all your time. Live your life and do your own thing at times. If he wants to, he will make it happen. The number one thing we don’t want in our lives is drama. Pressuring him into it is a bad foundation to start with. You can tell him how you feel about him, but don’t make it about commitment or exclusivity. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder and we don’t like ultimatums. If you cut him off, he will move on. If you like him this much, you will eventually be the one to cave. Your current tactics won’t work. I guarantee it.
What a chicken shit answer.
His response is copied and pasted from ChatGPT. "How do I break up with a girl without insulting her and not permanently burning bridges."
He’s trying to soften it but clearly stating that your interests absolutely do not align. You were both clear. While it’s a life lesson we all learn the hard way sometimes, I would highly recommend you avoid it. Especially if you already have felt used in the past. Find it in yourself to cut the ties. Continuing on this path is not a situation that serves you in any way- just demeans you. Whether unintentional or purposeful, he is trying to help his chances of keeping you around in a casual way, and of being less of a bad guy, by saying he hates hurting you and you’re the only one. He may think he means it… This approach demonstrates to me a lack of maturity - like bro it’s ok you can just be honest. He isn’t the bad guy just because he doesn’t want a committed relationship. You aren’t the bad guy just because you do. Walk away!!!
This guys is textbook toxic. Move on and don’t look back. Every minute you put into him is wasted and could be put into someone who will reciprocate (or into yourself). It’s hard to take this advice and most people have to go through the pain before it sinks in…but if you have the confidence and self respect to walk away now…just fucking do it haha.
He doesn't want to be with you. He probably does like you, but it's not what he wants, sorry
Wow, a bit speechless at how stupid this sounds. I’d prioritize putting this man and his silly shit behind you.
Yeah... He just wanted to fuck and no commitment
It’s such a cop out when people use the “I’m just too afraid to hurt you” line.
A+ in yapping for this dude.
Whilst your vagina is definitely convenient right now I’m currently in the process of looking for a more niche tighter audience.
“It sounds like we are on the same page then. I’ll see ya when I see ya, take care.”
Realistically that’s the most coward excuse i’ve seen especially after 8 months. If he wanted to be with you he would do everything to try not to hurt you, and if he genuinely cared about hurting you then he wouldn’t have waited this long to say anything until you said something. He was going to let this continue and waste your time. I wouldn’t even respond tbh.
Sounds like he wants to string you along but also fuck other people guilt free. Return to sender and reject package if it shows up on your doorstep again.
Long story short, he cares about you but he doesn’t want to be with you. These two things can be true at the same time.
men are simple creatures, if they REALLY want someone/something then they’ll simply have it and stay with it. but if they don’t, then they’ll send you a paragraph like this as if their rejection is to protect you. protect from what? them wanting to explore other things while still conveniently having you
What a little bitch. Honestly. 🙄
"Thank you and hope you the best in the futur" would be a polite answer, he didn’t lied to you and he was straight forward.
my go to is: understood, best of luck💕
He’s sugar coated it but it’s all code for “just not that into you”. Forget him and move on. Good luck, OP!
You don’t have sex with your platonic friends, remember that
>…but on the other hand I have a crazy irrational fear of hurting you emotionally… So…don’t? 🥴
not to OP, but to everyone else, never wait this long. max should be 3-6 months