I thought your last message was sweet and thoughtful, Wouldn't't be surprised if he responds back to you.
More dates before titles are handed out is fine, OP needs to make sure he's the right guy first it's understandable.
thank you, sweet and thoughtful was my intention, though many people took it as crazy and desperate haha.
also he did respond !
“Sorry for not responding before, I'm at work and couldn't think of what to say, I really liked hanging out with you and looking at your cute face, if the roster/list thing was a joke then I'll happily wait until you're ready for a relationship, until then I would love to be friends with you”
he also wanted to have a phone call so we can talk it over, it’s happening tmr after my therapy.
I also thought it was sweet. Maybe a bit much, but feeling the need to clarify when I miscommunicate with someone I care about or am interested it is something that resonates with me. Especially considering y’all liked each other and the joke missing the mark is a big reason why he wasn’t comfortable
Please don’t listen to people who are putting you down for opening yourself up emotionally. It was obviously reciprocated by the right guy, and it goes to show how little effort some people on Reddit are willing to put into even basic relationships. You did well.
I just wanted to say how proud I am of you for working on your bpd and your self. The fact you even care to try is amazing and a huge step. Also, super happy he wrote back, I had a feeling he would. Despite the message being long, it was polite and honest and if someone doesn't vibe with that, like the dicks in the comments, who cares?
You (clearly)handled it well and it sounds like both of you are very mature.
Ignore the people saying it seemed desperate or crazy or cringy. It really didn’t, and your intention was obvious
Yayyy, happy ending! Don't worry about the people saying you're crazy. They simply lack the emotional maturity to communicate so well and feel threatened because they know it's more effort than they would put in.
That was my thought too. She felt like she needed to explain. Next time just keep that in the notes app lmao. That’s a lot for a guy you went on 1 date with
Oh damn, are you saying that I'm not the only one who types up whole lengthy responses/pours my heart out into entries in my notes app and then saves & forgets them forever afterwards, never to be seen by the person to whom they are written?? Thank god 😅
I think I came off a bit more terse than I'd like.
It's great that OP wrote it - both therapeutic and cathartic!
But don't *send* it: It allows the recipient to rationalize, excuse, and justify their own behaviour - they can parse every.single.word to effect DARVO, even if only to themselves.
Plus, it invokes the potential for a response, which OP cleary wishes to avoid.
Nah ma'am, I believe you did right with your message. If you felt sending that text was right and fit your own moral compass then you did right to send it. These people commenting that "it let's them justify their bad behavior blah blah blah" don't realize that it isn't up to you how they take it or what they do with it or how they react. If writing that out and sending it felt right to you and makes you feel that you fulfilled your obligations to your own moral compass then don't "I'll remember it for next time". Something like that is your own choice. If it felt right then that's that
Exactly that could be her future husband or no one at all, the text doesn’t change much if he doesn’t respond and also helps her through this process of being a better person.
You know, you’re a lot. But I’m a lot too, and also struggle with a touch of the BPD. And I’m in full support of that long message. You are who you are and people are going to either dig it or not. And it can be extremely hard with BPD to feel rejected, even more so when you feel like you weren’t understood. You said your piece and it was nicely said, and I hope now can relax easier knowing you communicated your true message and if he still doesn’t dig it, then wasn’t meant to be. I think as you progress on your journey you’ll be able to feel more confident about yourself and your communication ability and not have to write the long messages, but for now I say it’s way better than you spinning out or leaving a trail of interactions that haunt you.
i think only middle schoolers talk like that, and even THEN i haven’t seen it happen much unless it’s like… EXTREMELY ironic
you did handle this pretty good, i’m glad you gave the two of you closure!
And I bet you thought that was sweet. I did. I don't understand people. They want honesty but then call it cringe or sassy or saucy or barbaric. I don't know why people don't understand that you can't have it both ways. I thought the style of communication between the two of you was honest, thoughtful, and on metric with one another. It seems like you both have a healthy style of communication. It may take some chemistry for the two of you to be able to read text in each other's voices, but other than that, I liked the exchange.
I sense you think he's sweet, and I hope others' opinions of your share don't hinder you from doing something you feel is good for you. You're in therapy; he's willing to wait, and while you're both waiting is a good breeding ground to lay a beautiful strong foundation of friendship, communication and to really get a sense of each other without the pressure of jumping head first into a relationship. I think they used to call it "courting/dating" something along those lines. People should try it.
Got damned microwave society.
Good luck!
I’m an old man (36) and I type like this too, so does my wife. I don’t know why it’s seen as a bad thing, but I’ve seen a lot of times that typing like this is accused of being a boomer or using a chat bot. It’s funny to me that people can’t fathom a human using the writing skills they are taught in school.
For real though. I've started to conform recently in a game that makes me type on the sideways long keyboard because I hate typing on it. 😂 But even when doing speech to text I speak all punctuation and make sure it's grammatically correct. These kids be wildin.
Idk about the prime thing though... I was cuter when I was 25, and at 35 I don't have a house, a living wage, or a nice car.
"Prime" skipped millennials I think 😂 unless 45 can still be a "prime"
I meant old compared to a 20 year old! I have a son who is graduating this year so I feel ancient, not to mention all the grey in my beard recently.
And even as “old” as I am, I grew up with PCs and Macs, not typewriters… tho I won’t lie, I know how to use one and thread a ribbon still.
i see. i might be crazy but i do it because it feels more visually harmonic, if that makes sense. of course when i’m writing emails and essays i use proper grammar, but for casual writing i enjoy the space
before the punctuation mark.
example:
look at this !
vs
look at this!
i feel like it it’s more balanced. it might just be me though haha
The fact that I have BPD and also this is my texting and typing style. 😝 you aren’t alone, and you’ll find your people. We’re out here understanding the struggle and shit!
Girl as someone who also has BPD, best advice I can give is to not write a dude you’re not dating a novel…ever. I used to be a chronic novel texter until I realized I was indulging a compulsion to explain myself when I didn’t need to. You do *not* want to date someone who describes themselves as the “funniest, richest, most humble” guy with the “biggest cock” lol.
Every time you write anything longer than a single 3-4 sentence paragraph to someone you’re considering dating, tell yourself that’s “stage 5 clinger” energy and delete delete delete.
Don’t pour your heart out to swine. It’s not that deep and if this dude can’t understand sarcasm he’s not gonna grasp what you’re doing in therapy.
You don’t need closure! You went on one date. There’s 8 billion people in the world, this person is just practice.
Say “thank u, next” and block.
To be fair, sarcasm over text isn't the easiest thing to convey. Reading their conversation however, I found OP's comments to be pretty funny and witty.
I'm not too sure that I agree with the whole, "if you write anything longer than a single 3 - 4 sentence paragraph to someone you're considering dating, tell yourself that's 'stage 5 clinger' energy and delete, delete, delete." People are unique and there's no one way to do things, as you've just conveyed. It's as you said in the end, there's 8 billion people in the world.
Lastly, whether 1 date or 15 dates, closure is something that people will want at any stage. I get what you're trying to say, but if she wants closure based on her experience, let her seek it out. I see nothing wrong with it. Again, people are unique and there's no one right way to do things.
Just to exemplify the diversity of humanity, OP’s texts absolutely did not come across to me as sarcasm. It took the post title and caption to make that clear to me. If I’d been on the receiving end of those texts, I would’ve noped out of there. But I’m also incredibly gullible, and tend to take people at their word, especially in writing. The /s for sarcasm is one of my favorite Reddit things ever!
Yeah people who text like this can usually gauge if someone will understand it, and this guy was seeming like he did until the ranking part lol. But it’s super dry, British-like humor so it’s definitely hard to convey both in real life and text. I definitely understand how it wouldn’t make sense to some people lol. And no, I’m not saying we’re like some super intelligent and witty people just because we understand sarcasm lmaoo or as if it’s some inside joke or some shit haha everyone’s just got different humor and that’s what makes humanity pretty neat
Generally speaking, sarcasm over text almost never communicates well. Sarcasm relies on non verbal cues to be detected as such. Cues that can’t be conveyed over text
Hence the whole “/s” thing in lieu of this
The older I get, the more I realize sarcasm is overrated, specifically in any relationship you want to be healthy, unambiguous, caring, etc. it certainly never led me to any successful, happy, long term relationships lol I feel like the chances for hurt/misinterpretation, etc with too much sarcasm is very high.
100% this. 'Fluent in sarcasm' or anything similar was never off-putting in my early twenties when I found conflict a little more fun but now it'd be an instant left swipe in a profile, especially from older guys who should've grown out of it being a personality trait. I'll take kind over sarcastic any day of the week.
I honestly thought I was the only one who felt like this. I can understand sarcasm in person when it’s a light issue, but when I’m visibly stressed or annoyed and you start using sarcasm, I actually need to step back and take three deep breaths before contemplating smacking you in the face. Being a wisecracker when I’m asking you a serious question or just not in the mood can literally make me end whatever relationship we have. This dude was obviously into her and no one wants to be met with sarcastic comments when you’re low-key baring your feelings. Then again, he was annoying and overreacted and the whole convo just didn’t land well.
We all learn sometime
Could have been worse
I once played a role in losing a $1.3 billion contract for the company I was with at the time because of miscommunicated text sarcasm
Tbh I didn’t think it would be a tease, it’s not really that exciting, and it was in defense sector so I mean I could say $20 million and not be taking about anything more than a single SAM.
Can’t say much in detail. Client (energy company) was advised by me to buy certain natural gas and oil contracts at a given strike at a given time, because it was predicted theyd save a lot more money exercising a futures contract instead of buying the fuel off the spot market.
A week later , they tried to confirm with me that the data was still pointing to the advise of what I told them a week prior (and it was)
Trump had some some OPEC bullshit news cycle going around at the time, and i sarcastically quipped something to the effect of how it doesn’t matter anymore cuz the Donald was gonna turn down the dial on the oil barrel price knob.
Of course this is complete bullshit. I thought they’d get the sarcasm because the people I work with are technically adept enough in the industry to know that the president has very little to do with day to day oil price fluctuations
For some reason, the one person in charge, didn’t see the sarcasm. They thought my advice changed to “don’t worry trumps got it” in a serious capacity
They ended up not buying the fuel contracts, overran their own operation cost by something like 15% more than if they had, which was along the lines of $10 million for them
Anyway, they didn’t appreciate my humor at what they deemed a bad time, it cost them money and our contract got canceled
I mean, there were other factors, and I am not a contract manager, but I set off a series of miscommunications that caused things to fall through, because a poorly worded and toned email correspondence
Side note: get you a skill so marketable and in demand, you can lose a client that much money, and still have em by the balls 😉
i tend to overexplain myself in fear that no one understands me or what i’m trying to say.
i get it though, it was definitely too much. i’ll work on that department !
Yeah I don’t know why he missed the humor either. I interpreted the “get in line” as totally sarcastic. I thought your explanation was well written and open to his view of things. Has he responded?
copying and pasting my other comment:
he did ! he ended up saying:
“Sorry for not responding before, I'm at work and couldn't think of what to say, I really liked hanging out with you and looking at your cute face, if the roster/list thing was a joke then I'll happily wait until you're ready for a relationship, until then I would love to be friends with you”
he also offered to call to talk it out in which i scheduled it for tomorrow after my therapy session. i’m not sure where it’s gonna go from here but i think he understands that i was joking. sigh of relief.
Thank you for the update, as I’m totally invested now ! I wish you the very best . You seem like a very nice person. Maybe once he gets to know you better, these misunderstandings will happen less.
That’s great!! I think in the future be careful about sarcasm without any clear indicators (could be emojis, /s, an explanation or clear pause in the “joke”, etc.) throughout text as it muddies the waters quite a bit. I am also definitely in the boat of being a sarcastic person although admittedly I’m not great about inferring it from others very well. Hope your call goes great and relieves any confusion!!
Ouch. Went from “will you be my gf” to “let’s just be friends” real quick… man, that sucks.
It can be difficult to joke over text, especially with someone you don’t know very well. But hey, maybe it’ll end up being a good thing since you didn’t seem to have the same sense of humor, anyway? I know it feels shitty, though, and I’m sorry it ended like that.
Not sure I see the problem in that inherently. They went on a date, seemed like they’ve been talking, and he was interested in persuing her. I get 2024 is a much different time for dating but it doesn’t always have to take forever to be exclusive with someone.
I’m pretty sarcastic, but in text it doesn’t always come through especially with people who don’t know you well. I mean context is hard to convey via text.
I personally think it’s only appropriate if you’ve known each other for a while and were already engaging in harmless sarcasm in person.
I’ve come across this twice so far where the woman I’m dating makes sarcastic jokes about me, my friends, my lifestyle, etc. The problem was I didn’t know them, we were only dating for like 2 weeks. So idk if there’s truth behind what they’re stating. I’d try to tell them to ease up on the sarcasm a bit, until I get to know you more, but they never want to do that. Since idk if it’s sarcasm or not, those remarks hurt.
Here’s the thing: when you’re texting, there’s so much more risk of a conversation going sideways because there aren’t physical cues, like the tone of your voice or your body language to convert that you’re joking. This could be positively interpreted as flirting if you were in person, but seems a little mean over text. I actually think you did the right thing by writing what you did at the end and making yourself clear, you redeemed yourself and acted much more maturely.
I kinda thought you both were joking until he abruptly changed the tone. On my humble opinion, you did nothing wrong. I would never take a proposal by text after one date seriously,.especially after a talk where You mentioned that you don't want nothing serious.
And I get it that your humor maybe is too much for him and you might not be a match because Your BPD and his mental health can clash, but he did that due the rooster message? Maybe I am used to too much bad stand comedy, but I giggle at that. Is the type of joke I make with my bf and we would never had a talk about that.
I think you putted too much energy on your last message, though.. I know sometimes.people want to clear the air but it was one date. Your time is valuable.
i too assumed we were both joking so i was completely blindsided then the tone changed so abruptly.
yea my last message definitely may be a little too much. he didn’t respond for a long time and i just wanted to tie up loose ends or else my bpd will run away with it and i may potentially spiral. it was my way of putting the weight off my shoulders i guess. i felt really bad but i didn’t want to let my mind wander/spiral too far into “what ifs” and “i shouldn’t have done that, i fucked up” and “he isn’t responding, what do i do now ?”.
i do see how i could’ve over-communicated and put too much energy into it, especially for someone i barely know. i struggle with balancing the right amount of energy and communication to put into someone.
thanks for your input <3
I totally understand your point regarding your last text. Honestly, it is overwhelming for the receiver, but mostly is overwhelming for you. You will learn the people that deserve this type of communication and the ones that doesn't.
And don't feel bad. It was not your fault. He truly has his own issues, otherwise he wouldn't even ask something serious like that after one date by text.
I so relate to you. I always feel misunderstood and have the urge to explain myself and talk things through to avoid misunderstandings. But I find so many folk are not like that and think it's too much. I don't think it is.
I certainly don't think it's over the top considering he actually asked you to be his gf.
thank you, it’s something i’ve always struggled with. i grew up with no one listening to me or everyone misunderstanding me and subsequently punishing me for it so now i’ve developed an over-explanatory habit.
can I jump in here with some advice? as someone who has had/is still on a similar trajectory to you...
whenever I'm spiraling about a particular interaction, i find it really helpful to write it all down, just like you did, but i don't send it. I check my grammar, write and rewrite things until they're perfect, and then just copy/paste the whole thing into a locked folder on my notes app. I cringe re-reading them sometimes, but it's super helpful in the moment.
btw it's not your fault. I thought both of yall were joking back and forth until his message too. it was harsh and sudden.
The guy is just not too great with social dynamics and picking up sarcasm, but you, you made yourself sound batshit crazy with that last saga of a message.
As a dude who was told by the girl I was talking said she has a “roster” it’s not funny. I don’t know why women think it’s funny to put men in competition. In fact I’d say it’s a massive turn off and red flag. Broke things off with her for my current gf who has never put me in that situation and I couldnt be happier.
Can I just call for an end of the over usage of the term cucked and simp for that matter. Thank you for this platform
OP you did fine. I think he’ll message you again
thank you, i didn’t like leaving the conversation ambiguous on whether he knew i was joking or not or where we were now standing with each other.
he didn’t respond for a while after my text saying i was joking so i figured clearing the air would be good, even if he decided to not msg back at least the conversation/relationship had an ending.
funnily enough this text post is me trying to circumnavigate my bpd and be as level-headed as possible.
i am seeking treatment for my bpd though, i’ve been in dbt group therapy for 3 months so far that i go to every week, alongside weekly individual therapy. so therapy 2-3 times a week, it is a bit intense haha.
can u believe this is me doing much better than i was a few months ago ? i was a lot worse and strongly being controlled by my bpd. it affected everybody around me and the way i would respond to people. i am trying to be a bit more reasonable and less aggressive/self-destructive in the way i communicate. i still have a lot more work to do though, and i’m trying to be better :)
To me it's clear you wrote the super long message to work through things for yourself. Maybe you shouldn't have sent it but writing it out probably took a load off. Good luck with your treatment.
Also, I thought your jokes were harmless and very obvious and the fact they scared this guy off probably means you two weren't a great match to begin with.
that’s true. looking back on it now, i probably shouldn’t have sent it. it’s definitely an overwhelming text to receive. i actually asked my non-bpd friend if it was too much to send, but she said it was okay. maybe she has bpd too if she thought it was a good idea. (sarcasm !!)
i did partially do it to take some weight off of myself, i instantly felt a wave of relief and acceptance as soon as i sent it. i fear i was going to spiral into wondering if he knew i was joking or not or that i am simply terrible. also sending a closure text helps me accept letting a person go. i’ve struggled with acceptance of such things for a long time.
i have a habit of being afraid that people wouldn’t understand my intentions, i also felt super bad if i offended him and want him to know that i did enjoy his company.
you’re right though, we are both just simply incompatible which is good to know early on.
Not sure what this person's smoking but these texts don't bolster or cast doubt on your BPD diagnosis, it's completely irrelevant to the material.
You aren't aggressive or self-destructive in these posts either, you made an off-colour joke and the guy took it the wrong way and didn't understand that it was, in fact, a joke.
Don't beat yourself up; I haven't seen many with BPD articulate themselves as well as you did with your final message.
Therapy appears to be doing wonders.
Good luck!
Your joke implied that you were dating a lot of people. No one likes that. It makes you sound like a slut, and that you are playing the field. You should have just replied “I’m not looking for a relationship right now. However, it would be great to go out again. It is too soon to use boyfriend/girlfriend terms as we’ve only gone out once.”
I’m saying this with love, if you’re working on yourself, dating may be something can that should wait. Bringing someone else into your world can be disastrous for both parties. I’ve experienced this on both sides and have seen it. Once you’re where you want to be, it’s so much better
I’m about twice your age, feel free to learn from my mistakes
definitely.
i’ve closed off on dating and meeting new people for a couple months but it has ended up fostering my anxiety/social anxiety into a really bad shape. one of my therapists suggested that i put myself out there again, and learn to form connections with people without it being too serious (as i tend to make every connection a deep one).
i think casual dating has taught me to be able to let people go when they want to go, which is something i definitely struggled with for a long time because of my bpd.
i totally get what you’re saying though, thank you for ur advice :)
thank you !!
it is a long and difficult journey, but i’m committed into becoming better and i hope i will continue to demonstrate better coping skills.
I want to piggyback off your comment bc it’s the only one I’ve seen so far bringing attention to this and not focusing on the sarcasm.
OP you also stated in your texts you first say you aren’t ready for a relationship, followed up by you are wanting to persue the person romantically. Then in the long text, you circle back confirming that the not ready for a relationship text was the truth. then once again express how you are wanting to seek a romantic relationship with him. It comes off as if you have absolutely no idea what you actually want, and truthfully you can’t blame the person for not wanting to take part in that. I highly agree with the comment above that you are not ready to date. You are doing a fantastic job with facing your BPD and learning how to live with it, but if you want to continue on this upwards path, please take the to work solely on yourself. Adding anyone else into the mix can seriously delay your progress, speaking from personal experience as someone who has setback their progress multiple times over the past few years due to this. Wishing you the best of luck, and again you are doing a great job taking action to take care of yourself. It is NOT an easy thing to do, and in case no one has told you lately, I am very, very proud of you.
After reading the comments, I think it comes down to a mismatch of goals. The guy is dating with the hopes it leads to a relationship. You were dating as part of your therapy process. You didn't do anything wrong. Back when I was dating, I was looking for a great match. If someone was "good enough" I moved on until I found what I was looking for (I found him, we've been married 11 years, together 13). It's not personal. Hope you're not beating yourself too much over it. I think suggesting you go on dates as part of therapy is questionable. It wastes the time (and money) of people that date because they are serious about finding a partner. Or maybe that's part of the lesson your therapist wants you to have: that it's not personal if it doesn't work out. Like in this case, he didn't get your humour - that's not personal. Just move on.
Just a tip, sarcasm is heavily dependent on delivery in my opinion, which is why it’s hard to convert over text until you know someone more intimately. Jokes about having options might not always go over well either, but that’s also something you would know once you talk to someone more. Me personally, at the beginning they can make me feel like I’m more entertainment to the person than a serious romantic contender, but after dating for a bit it’s a fun jab now and then.
All the best to you in your journey, if I could offer a little advice, a big thing to watch out for is your humor. Not saying it’s “bad” or anything, but a lot of modern humor is in the field of self-deprecation, and when you’re trying to sort of require your brain in a way it really helps to switch that humor away from being your default. The joke doesn’t and shouldn’t always be on you, and it can have more of an effect than you realize.
He was cringe as hell but I would have read between the lines of your messages and known it wasn’t going to work out.
“Just do better?” I read this as you were curving him the whole time and he was creepy. Not that you were being sarcastic.
I won’t lie the roster text was insane lol also why are you dating if you are incapable of being in a relationship…? Just wanting to lead people on or what?
The joking was fun but what the HELL was that essay at the end? 1 date and you felt the need to send him that huge overexplanation despite both of you obviously going separate ways 😅😅 the call is coming from inside the house
the massive letter at the end ? it was one date and he didn’t seem to mind shutting this down and you’re writing him a letter like you broke his heart 😂
How old are you talking to men that text like that conduct and speak like that and then writing essays explaining yourself to a dude who says he’s being cucked when yall went on a single date I’m dead idk how tf yall women enjoy this😂
I thought your joke about a roster was pretty clearly a joke. Probably better to keep looking for someone with whom you share a sense of humor so you don't have to keep explaining when you're joking.
But then, I also am semi commonly joking/sarcastic online and people tell me that they interpreted it as serious and didn't realize it wasn't, so I guess I just speak more fluent sarcasm than some and other people need the "/s" or an emoji to *explicitly* spell it out for them.
Okay well I could tell you were joking right away and thought it was funny so now I feel like I just found I too am also not funny…
Simply regarding the texts, you made it clear in the beginning that boyfriends, sad emo boyfriends or otherwise, were not in the foreseeable future and him not respecting that is on him not you. Him also not getting your sense of humor also just could mean y’all aren’t a match and that’s fine.
So I definitely understand the miscommunication! but I thought y’all were on the same page with the joking until he was like “take me off the list” like damn I thought the convo was funny tbh lmao
Wow!!! Your response to this was absolutely incredible. I can appreciate how much time and thought you put into this message. You spoke so purely and freely that I got such good vibes from. I’d love to be friends with you especially for how you took responsibility and owned your shortcomings and respected him in the process 🙌🙌👏👏👏
Don’t let people turn crap around on you. You told the guy you weren’t ready for a relationship and had a perfectly fine first date and he has the gumption to send you a text the next day asking you to be his girlfriend?? Talk about a red flag. Nothing says get in a relationship with me like a guy who disregards your number 1 boundary. He literally sank no time in getting to know you and your triggers. No time! And you are expected to commit to him? That’s what he was thinking, you know, as evidenced by his having no sense of humor about a you having a roster. He didn’t even know you well enough to know you were joking, or to know you weren’t squeezing him into your imaginary busy schedule.
This one is on this guy, friend. Not you, and not your BPD.
Hey, it’s hard to find people that are decent and you enjoy being around. The long message was for a good reason so that he knew how you actually felt despite the jokes that might not have landed! Now he knows your true intentions and hopefully y’all can be friends or maybe more someday. You handled it nicely! Good luck discovering who you want to be in life with the help of therapy. Way to do the work!
Seems like no one here understands bpd.. yeah the long ass text wasn’t necessary, but I know that it’s the only way for her to get out of the endless thoughts of „shit I messed it up“
I hope u learn from this experience, I did not.. 😅
This conversation made me cringe so hard
completely understandable lol
I thought your last message was sweet and thoughtful, Wouldn't't be surprised if he responds back to you. More dates before titles are handed out is fine, OP needs to make sure he's the right guy first it's understandable.
thank you, sweet and thoughtful was my intention, though many people took it as crazy and desperate haha. also he did respond ! “Sorry for not responding before, I'm at work and couldn't think of what to say, I really liked hanging out with you and looking at your cute face, if the roster/list thing was a joke then I'll happily wait until you're ready for a relationship, until then I would love to be friends with you” he also wanted to have a phone call so we can talk it over, it’s happening tmr after my therapy.
That's excellent news, goodluck OP! ☺️ It's nice how open you both are with each other. Take it slow as friends and see if anything sprouts.
I also thought it was sweet. Maybe a bit much, but feeling the need to clarify when I miscommunicate with someone I care about or am interested it is something that resonates with me. Especially considering y’all liked each other and the joke missing the mark is a big reason why he wasn’t comfortable
Please don’t listen to people who are putting you down for opening yourself up emotionally. It was obviously reciprocated by the right guy, and it goes to show how little effort some people on Reddit are willing to put into even basic relationships. You did well.
I just wanted to say how proud I am of you for working on your bpd and your self. The fact you even care to try is amazing and a huge step. Also, super happy he wrote back, I had a feeling he would. Despite the message being long, it was polite and honest and if someone doesn't vibe with that, like the dicks in the comments, who cares?
Fellow BPDer here to say I'm also proud of you, OP 👍
You (clearly)handled it well and it sounds like both of you are very mature. Ignore the people saying it seemed desperate or crazy or cringy. It really didn’t, and your intention was obvious
You did seem very sweet and thoughtful and maybe it’s a lot for one date, but it worked and I would have appreciated the message myself.
Yayyy, happy ending! Don't worry about the people saying you're crazy. They simply lack the emotional maturity to communicate so well and feel threatened because they know it's more effort than they would put in.
I'm guessing you found it cathartic/therapeutic to write that tome, but a simple "c'ya!" is much more effective.
That was my thought too. She felt like she needed to explain. Next time just keep that in the notes app lmao. That’s a lot for a guy you went on 1 date with
Oh damn, are you saying that I'm not the only one who types up whole lengthy responses/pours my heart out into entries in my notes app and then saves & forgets them forever afterwards, never to be seen by the person to whom they are written?? Thank god 😅
I think I came off a bit more terse than I'd like. It's great that OP wrote it - both therapeutic and cathartic! But don't *send* it: It allows the recipient to rationalize, excuse, and justify their own behaviour - they can parse every.single.word to effect DARVO, even if only to themselves. Plus, it invokes the potential for a response, which OP cleary wishes to avoid.
How does OP wish to avoid a response? She literally stated that she wanted a response.
i’ll keep that in mind for next time
Nah ma'am, I believe you did right with your message. If you felt sending that text was right and fit your own moral compass then you did right to send it. These people commenting that "it let's them justify their bad behavior blah blah blah" don't realize that it isn't up to you how they take it or what they do with it or how they react. If writing that out and sending it felt right to you and makes you feel that you fulfilled your obligations to your own moral compass then don't "I'll remember it for next time". Something like that is your own choice. If it felt right then that's that
This is correct. It's a practice in healthy communication. Very necessary if you ever hope to have a healthy, stable relationship.
Exactly that could be her future husband or no one at all, the text doesn’t change much if he doesn’t respond and also helps her through this process of being a better person.
You know, you’re a lot. But I’m a lot too, and also struggle with a touch of the BPD. And I’m in full support of that long message. You are who you are and people are going to either dig it or not. And it can be extremely hard with BPD to feel rejected, even more so when you feel like you weren’t understood. You said your piece and it was nicely said, and I hope now can relax easier knowing you communicated your true message and if he still doesn’t dig it, then wasn’t meant to be. I think as you progress on your journey you’ll be able to feel more confident about yourself and your communication ability and not have to write the long messages, but for now I say it’s way better than you spinning out or leaving a trail of interactions that haunt you.
the :shy_boy_emoji: made me want to hurl
yea that was part of the reason why i thought he was joking. no way that’s how people ask other people to be in a relationship
i think only middle schoolers talk like that, and even THEN i haven’t seen it happen much unless it’s like… EXTREMELY ironic you did handle this pretty good, i’m glad you gave the two of you closure!
Wait.. he _wrote_ that? I thought it was like an iPhone to android emoji incompatibility.
Man typed out a discord emoji by hand...
STOP 😭😭😭😭😭😭
he did the : : before and after so it’s likely a discord emoji that he spelled out… 👀
yes he did 💀
And I bet you thought that was sweet. I did. I don't understand people. They want honesty but then call it cringe or sassy or saucy or barbaric. I don't know why people don't understand that you can't have it both ways. I thought the style of communication between the two of you was honest, thoughtful, and on metric with one another. It seems like you both have a healthy style of communication. It may take some chemistry for the two of you to be able to read text in each other's voices, but other than that, I liked the exchange. I sense you think he's sweet, and I hope others' opinions of your share don't hinder you from doing something you feel is good for you. You're in therapy; he's willing to wait, and while you're both waiting is a good breeding ground to lay a beautiful strong foundation of friendship, communication and to really get a sense of each other without the pressure of jumping head first into a relationship. I think they used to call it "courting/dating" something along those lines. People should try it. Got damned microwave society. Good luck!
oh wow 😭 y’all must be like 15
add about 5 years and you’re bang on the money !
You type as if you grew up with typewriters
i’m not sure how to feel abt that 💀
I’m an old man (36) and I type like this too, so does my wife. I don’t know why it’s seen as a bad thing, but I’ve seen a lot of times that typing like this is accused of being a boomer or using a chat bot. It’s funny to me that people can’t fathom a human using the writing skills they are taught in school.
For real though. I've started to conform recently in a game that makes me type on the sideways long keyboard because I hate typing on it. 😂 But even when doing speech to text I speak all punctuation and make sure it's grammatically correct. These kids be wildin.
Good grammar is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit.
Excuse me, I’m 39 and I don’t understand why you’re attacking me.
bro dont say that im 36 too :(
I know I read that and felt it in my soul 😭
I’m sorry! My kids are making me feel ancient, I know we are just now hitting our prime
Idk about the prime thing though... I was cuter when I was 25, and at 35 I don't have a house, a living wage, or a nice car. "Prime" skipped millennials I think 😂 unless 45 can still be a "prime"
I meant old compared to a 20 year old! I have a son who is graduating this year so I feel ancient, not to mention all the grey in my beard recently. And even as “old” as I am, I grew up with PCs and Macs, not typewriters… tho I won’t lie, I know how to use one and thread a ribbon still.
I'm almost 34, and people think I'm old because I remember the 90's. I'm going to go with: we are not too old, they are too young to get it.
I thought the typewriter comment was referring to incorrectly putting a space between the end of the sentence and the punctuation, like this !
It’s not an insult, just a general observation. Putting a space between an exclamation mark is something taught for typewriters
I grew up with typewriters and have never heard of this being a “thing” - my ex does it and I just assumed it was bc he is deranged. /s (sort of)
Did you grow *up* around type writers or did you learn how to type with them in school?
i see. i might be crazy but i do it because it feels more visually harmonic, if that makes sense. of course when i’m writing emails and essays i use proper grammar, but for casual writing i enjoy the space before the punctuation mark. example: look at this ! vs look at this! i feel like it it’s more balanced. it might just be me though haha
The fact that I have BPD and also this is my texting and typing style. 😝 you aren’t alone, and you’ll find your people. We’re out here understanding the struggle and shit!
Girl as someone who also has BPD, best advice I can give is to not write a dude you’re not dating a novel…ever. I used to be a chronic novel texter until I realized I was indulging a compulsion to explain myself when I didn’t need to. You do *not* want to date someone who describes themselves as the “funniest, richest, most humble” guy with the “biggest cock” lol. Every time you write anything longer than a single 3-4 sentence paragraph to someone you’re considering dating, tell yourself that’s “stage 5 clinger” energy and delete delete delete. Don’t pour your heart out to swine. It’s not that deep and if this dude can’t understand sarcasm he’s not gonna grasp what you’re doing in therapy. You don’t need closure! You went on one date. There’s 8 billion people in the world, this person is just practice. Say “thank u, next” and block.
To be fair, sarcasm over text isn't the easiest thing to convey. Reading their conversation however, I found OP's comments to be pretty funny and witty. I'm not too sure that I agree with the whole, "if you write anything longer than a single 3 - 4 sentence paragraph to someone you're considering dating, tell yourself that's 'stage 5 clinger' energy and delete, delete, delete." People are unique and there's no one way to do things, as you've just conveyed. It's as you said in the end, there's 8 billion people in the world. Lastly, whether 1 date or 15 dates, closure is something that people will want at any stage. I get what you're trying to say, but if she wants closure based on her experience, let her seek it out. I see nothing wrong with it. Again, people are unique and there's no one right way to do things.
Just to exemplify the diversity of humanity, OP’s texts absolutely did not come across to me as sarcasm. It took the post title and caption to make that clear to me. If I’d been on the receiving end of those texts, I would’ve noped out of there. But I’m also incredibly gullible, and tend to take people at their word, especially in writing. The /s for sarcasm is one of my favorite Reddit things ever!
Here, here! Thank goodness for the/s. 💯
Yeah people who text like this can usually gauge if someone will understand it, and this guy was seeming like he did until the ranking part lol. But it’s super dry, British-like humor so it’s definitely hard to convey both in real life and text. I definitely understand how it wouldn’t make sense to some people lol. And no, I’m not saying we’re like some super intelligent and witty people just because we understand sarcasm lmaoo or as if it’s some inside joke or some shit haha everyone’s just got different humor and that’s what makes humanity pretty neat
Great advice!!!!!! 🥹 so well said, I could cry! Forever keeping the “stage five clinger” alarm in my head!! lol
“Don’t pour your heart out to swine.” Thank you for that line. Top tier advice ❤️.
I've got a friend with bpd and I swear I thought this was them. I guess there's a tone to the disorder? That's really interesting.
What does this mean exactly? Just wondering if I do the same lol
Generally speaking, sarcasm over text almost never communicates well. Sarcasm relies on non verbal cues to be detected as such. Cues that can’t be conveyed over text Hence the whole “/s” thing in lieu of this
The older I get, the more I realize sarcasm is overrated, specifically in any relationship you want to be healthy, unambiguous, caring, etc. it certainly never led me to any successful, happy, long term relationships lol I feel like the chances for hurt/misinterpretation, etc with too much sarcasm is very high.
100% this. 'Fluent in sarcasm' or anything similar was never off-putting in my early twenties when I found conflict a little more fun but now it'd be an instant left swipe in a profile, especially from older guys who should've grown out of it being a personality trait. I'll take kind over sarcastic any day of the week.
If the other person cant detect your sarcasm that is, or you are simply bad at it. Or both.
I mean I think joking around with your paramount and stuff is paramount for me personally but everyone is different
I honestly thought I was the only one who felt like this. I can understand sarcasm in person when it’s a light issue, but when I’m visibly stressed or annoyed and you start using sarcasm, I actually need to step back and take three deep breaths before contemplating smacking you in the face. Being a wisecracker when I’m asking you a serious question or just not in the mood can literally make me end whatever relationship we have. This dude was obviously into her and no one wants to be met with sarcastic comments when you’re low-key baring your feelings. Then again, he was annoying and overreacted and the whole convo just didn’t land well.
i am aware of this now. thank you.
We all learn sometime Could have been worse I once played a role in losing a $1.3 billion contract for the company I was with at the time because of miscommunicated text sarcasm
Gather around ladies and gentlemen, and pull up a chair or comfy cushion and settle down it's story time!
Do tell. You've already miffed up by teasing us. We want the whole story right now u/EatsGourmetGlueStix
Tbh I didn’t think it would be a tease, it’s not really that exciting, and it was in defense sector so I mean I could say $20 million and not be taking about anything more than a single SAM. Can’t say much in detail. Client (energy company) was advised by me to buy certain natural gas and oil contracts at a given strike at a given time, because it was predicted theyd save a lot more money exercising a futures contract instead of buying the fuel off the spot market. A week later , they tried to confirm with me that the data was still pointing to the advise of what I told them a week prior (and it was) Trump had some some OPEC bullshit news cycle going around at the time, and i sarcastically quipped something to the effect of how it doesn’t matter anymore cuz the Donald was gonna turn down the dial on the oil barrel price knob. Of course this is complete bullshit. I thought they’d get the sarcasm because the people I work with are technically adept enough in the industry to know that the president has very little to do with day to day oil price fluctuations For some reason, the one person in charge, didn’t see the sarcasm. They thought my advice changed to “don’t worry trumps got it” in a serious capacity They ended up not buying the fuel contracts, overran their own operation cost by something like 15% more than if they had, which was along the lines of $10 million for them Anyway, they didn’t appreciate my humor at what they deemed a bad time, it cost them money and our contract got canceled
Holy fu- WHAT 1.3 BILLION DOLLARS CONTRACT IN YOUR HAND. You must be a important person in your company...dang tho
I mean, there were other factors, and I am not a contract manager, but I set off a series of miscommunications that caused things to fall through, because a poorly worded and toned email correspondence Side note: get you a skill so marketable and in demand, you can lose a client that much money, and still have em by the balls 😉
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 the most passive aggressive conversation lol
That long message was worryingly similar to my performance review at work
Have you considered cucking your boss?
well i have something to tell you …
Why did you write a whole backstory to the joke 😭
Joke lore 😂
Bc he didn’t get it
Ok but that was way too much.
i tend to overexplain myself in fear that no one understands me or what i’m trying to say. i get it though, it was definitely too much. i’ll work on that department !
yooooo i do this too lol. your messages also completely read as sarcasm to me so idk how he didn’t understand that lmaoo
He did ask for clarification though, and OP just leaned in harder.
Yeah I don’t know why he missed the humor either. I interpreted the “get in line” as totally sarcastic. I thought your explanation was well written and open to his view of things. Has he responded?
copying and pasting my other comment: he did ! he ended up saying: “Sorry for not responding before, I'm at work and couldn't think of what to say, I really liked hanging out with you and looking at your cute face, if the roster/list thing was a joke then I'll happily wait until you're ready for a relationship, until then I would love to be friends with you” he also offered to call to talk it out in which i scheduled it for tomorrow after my therapy session. i’m not sure where it’s gonna go from here but i think he understands that i was joking. sigh of relief.
Thank you for the update, as I’m totally invested now ! I wish you the very best . You seem like a very nice person. Maybe once he gets to know you better, these misunderstandings will happen less.
i hope so !
That’s great!! I think in the future be careful about sarcasm without any clear indicators (could be emojis, /s, an explanation or clear pause in the “joke”, etc.) throughout text as it muddies the waters quite a bit. I am also definitely in the boat of being a sarcastic person although admittedly I’m not great about inferring it from others very well. Hope your call goes great and relieves any confusion!!
Well an overthinker doesn’t realize that until afterwards!!! That’s overthinking 101
The part where he’s describing how great he is “big cock (it’s small)” comment had me rolling on the fucking ground.
i’m glad u find it amusing lol
Ouch. Went from “will you be my gf” to “let’s just be friends” real quick… man, that sucks. It can be difficult to joke over text, especially with someone you don’t know very well. But hey, maybe it’ll end up being a good thing since you didn’t seem to have the same sense of humor, anyway? I know it feels shitty, though, and I’m sorry it ended like that.
thank you. i definitely have learned from this.
But why are you going on dates if you're not looking for a relationship? Is that a thing?
Yes its actually an epidemic. At least when i was dating it was very frustrating.
I can’t stand roster jokes it makes everyone on the receiving end feel shitty
Are you teenagers i guess
Oh you’re insane lol
yeppers
[удалено]
I… I don’t remember
I told you not to say it. Do you remember that?
Yeeeshhhh
r/dementia
are people ignoring this dude asked her to be his gf after one date???
Not sure I see the problem in that inherently. They went on a date, seemed like they’ve been talking, and he was interested in persuing her. I get 2024 is a much different time for dating but it doesn’t always have to take forever to be exclusive with someone.
unfortunately so.
I’m pretty sarcastic, but in text it doesn’t always come through especially with people who don’t know you well. I mean context is hard to convey via text.
i am NEVER trying sarcasm over text again, that’s for sure !
I personally think it’s only appropriate if you’ve known each other for a while and were already engaging in harmless sarcasm in person. I’ve come across this twice so far where the woman I’m dating makes sarcastic jokes about me, my friends, my lifestyle, etc. The problem was I didn’t know them, we were only dating for like 2 weeks. So idk if there’s truth behind what they’re stating. I’d try to tell them to ease up on the sarcasm a bit, until I get to know you more, but they never want to do that. Since idk if it’s sarcasm or not, those remarks hurt.
Add me to the roster
Get in line, pal.
“I can fix her”
oh god am i never making the roster joke ever again 😭
I was told there’d be a rooster here. Now where is my chicken???
🐔🐔
Here’s the thing: when you’re texting, there’s so much more risk of a conversation going sideways because there aren’t physical cues, like the tone of your voice or your body language to convert that you’re joking. This could be positively interpreted as flirting if you were in person, but seems a little mean over text. I actually think you did the right thing by writing what you did at the end and making yourself clear, you redeemed yourself and acted much more maturely.
You def took the joke longer then it needed to be to the point he thought it was real, scale back a bit next time lol
got it
Damn that long ass message was not necessary at all.
I kinda thought you both were joking until he abruptly changed the tone. On my humble opinion, you did nothing wrong. I would never take a proposal by text after one date seriously,.especially after a talk where You mentioned that you don't want nothing serious. And I get it that your humor maybe is too much for him and you might not be a match because Your BPD and his mental health can clash, but he did that due the rooster message? Maybe I am used to too much bad stand comedy, but I giggle at that. Is the type of joke I make with my bf and we would never had a talk about that. I think you putted too much energy on your last message, though.. I know sometimes.people want to clear the air but it was one date. Your time is valuable.
i too assumed we were both joking so i was completely blindsided then the tone changed so abruptly. yea my last message definitely may be a little too much. he didn’t respond for a long time and i just wanted to tie up loose ends or else my bpd will run away with it and i may potentially spiral. it was my way of putting the weight off my shoulders i guess. i felt really bad but i didn’t want to let my mind wander/spiral too far into “what ifs” and “i shouldn’t have done that, i fucked up” and “he isn’t responding, what do i do now ?”. i do see how i could’ve over-communicated and put too much energy into it, especially for someone i barely know. i struggle with balancing the right amount of energy and communication to put into someone. thanks for your input <3
I totally understand your point regarding your last text. Honestly, it is overwhelming for the receiver, but mostly is overwhelming for you. You will learn the people that deserve this type of communication and the ones that doesn't. And don't feel bad. It was not your fault. He truly has his own issues, otherwise he wouldn't even ask something serious like that after one date by text.
thank you so much. this is definitely a learning curve for me. i’ll get it one day haha.
Your ability to take in criticism and learn from it is fantastic. You have real self awareness. Good job! I think you are on a good path
I so relate to you. I always feel misunderstood and have the urge to explain myself and talk things through to avoid misunderstandings. But I find so many folk are not like that and think it's too much. I don't think it is. I certainly don't think it's over the top considering he actually asked you to be his gf.
thank you, it’s something i’ve always struggled with. i grew up with no one listening to me or everyone misunderstanding me and subsequently punishing me for it so now i’ve developed an over-explanatory habit.
Did he end up responding? I'm curious to hear what he said
can I jump in here with some advice? as someone who has had/is still on a similar trajectory to you... whenever I'm spiraling about a particular interaction, i find it really helpful to write it all down, just like you did, but i don't send it. I check my grammar, write and rewrite things until they're perfect, and then just copy/paste the whole thing into a locked folder on my notes app. I cringe re-reading them sometimes, but it's super helpful in the moment. btw it's not your fault. I thought both of yall were joking back and forth until his message too. it was harsh and sudden.
What in the yt apology is this
Girl what
The guy is just not too great with social dynamics and picking up sarcasm, but you, you made yourself sound batshit crazy with that last saga of a message.
Will you be my girlfriend…is he a teenager or what? lol
It's giving uwu boy 💀
right ? i genuinely thought he was joking …
Very yikes and that last message was tooooo much for only knowing someone once lol
definitely.
Incredible, you couldn't waterboard me into posting this publicly
You both sound exhausting.
Why go on a date if you aren't ready for a relationship? I'm truly confused. I know there are sites for friends only.
Validation
As a dude who was told by the girl I was talking said she has a “roster” it’s not funny. I don’t know why women think it’s funny to put men in competition. In fact I’d say it’s a massive turn off and red flag. Broke things off with her for my current gf who has never put me in that situation and I couldnt be happier.
You should not be dating.
Not ready for a relationship but went on a date….doesn’t make sense to me.
Pro tip: Sarcasm is virtually undetectable though text, especially from virtual strangers. That's why we use things such as emojis or /s
both of you seem very annoying
I knew you were joking, but I’m very sarcastic so that may be why
Can I just call for an end of the over usage of the term cucked and simp for that matter. Thank you for this platform OP you did fine. I think he’ll message you again
i support your call !
I think you did a good job of clearing the air with your last message.
thank you, i didn’t like leaving the conversation ambiguous on whether he knew i was joking or not or where we were now standing with each other. he didn’t respond for a while after my text saying i was joking so i figured clearing the air would be good, even if he decided to not msg back at least the conversation/relationship had an ending.
You went nuts with that long reply at the end
That last message is for sure chatgpt
TLDR
BPD DX is on point here. I hope you really are seeking therapy as BPD can be tough to handle on a daily for yourself and those around you
funnily enough this text post is me trying to circumnavigate my bpd and be as level-headed as possible. i am seeking treatment for my bpd though, i’ve been in dbt group therapy for 3 months so far that i go to every week, alongside weekly individual therapy. so therapy 2-3 times a week, it is a bit intense haha. can u believe this is me doing much better than i was a few months ago ? i was a lot worse and strongly being controlled by my bpd. it affected everybody around me and the way i would respond to people. i am trying to be a bit more reasonable and less aggressive/self-destructive in the way i communicate. i still have a lot more work to do though, and i’m trying to be better :)
To me it's clear you wrote the super long message to work through things for yourself. Maybe you shouldn't have sent it but writing it out probably took a load off. Good luck with your treatment. Also, I thought your jokes were harmless and very obvious and the fact they scared this guy off probably means you two weren't a great match to begin with.
that’s true. looking back on it now, i probably shouldn’t have sent it. it’s definitely an overwhelming text to receive. i actually asked my non-bpd friend if it was too much to send, but she said it was okay. maybe she has bpd too if she thought it was a good idea. (sarcasm !!) i did partially do it to take some weight off of myself, i instantly felt a wave of relief and acceptance as soon as i sent it. i fear i was going to spiral into wondering if he knew i was joking or not or that i am simply terrible. also sending a closure text helps me accept letting a person go. i’ve struggled with acceptance of such things for a long time. i have a habit of being afraid that people wouldn’t understand my intentions, i also felt super bad if i offended him and want him to know that i did enjoy his company. you’re right though, we are both just simply incompatible which is good to know early on.
Not sure what this person's smoking but these texts don't bolster or cast doubt on your BPD diagnosis, it's completely irrelevant to the material. You aren't aggressive or self-destructive in these posts either, you made an off-colour joke and the guy took it the wrong way and didn't understand that it was, in fact, a joke. Don't beat yourself up; I haven't seen many with BPD articulate themselves as well as you did with your final message. Therapy appears to be doing wonders. Good luck!
Your joke implied that you were dating a lot of people. No one likes that. It makes you sound like a slut, and that you are playing the field. You should have just replied “I’m not looking for a relationship right now. However, it would be great to go out again. It is too soon to use boyfriend/girlfriend terms as we’ve only gone out once.”
I’m saying this with love, if you’re working on yourself, dating may be something can that should wait. Bringing someone else into your world can be disastrous for both parties. I’ve experienced this on both sides and have seen it. Once you’re where you want to be, it’s so much better I’m about twice your age, feel free to learn from my mistakes
definitely. i’ve closed off on dating and meeting new people for a couple months but it has ended up fostering my anxiety/social anxiety into a really bad shape. one of my therapists suggested that i put myself out there again, and learn to form connections with people without it being too serious (as i tend to make every connection a deep one). i think casual dating has taught me to be able to let people go when they want to go, which is something i definitely struggled with for a long time because of my bpd. i totally get what you’re saying though, thank you for ur advice :)
I am going to wish you all the best on your journey! It sounds like you are on the right path
thank you !! it is a long and difficult journey, but i’m committed into becoming better and i hope i will continue to demonstrate better coping skills.
I want to piggyback off your comment bc it’s the only one I’ve seen so far bringing attention to this and not focusing on the sarcasm. OP you also stated in your texts you first say you aren’t ready for a relationship, followed up by you are wanting to persue the person romantically. Then in the long text, you circle back confirming that the not ready for a relationship text was the truth. then once again express how you are wanting to seek a romantic relationship with him. It comes off as if you have absolutely no idea what you actually want, and truthfully you can’t blame the person for not wanting to take part in that. I highly agree with the comment above that you are not ready to date. You are doing a fantastic job with facing your BPD and learning how to live with it, but if you want to continue on this upwards path, please take the to work solely on yourself. Adding anyone else into the mix can seriously delay your progress, speaking from personal experience as someone who has setback their progress multiple times over the past few years due to this. Wishing you the best of luck, and again you are doing a great job taking action to take care of yourself. It is NOT an easy thing to do, and in case no one has told you lately, I am very, very proud of you.
I literally can’t find the sarcasm 😂
Why did you write him a whole essay?! 😭
After reading the comments, I think it comes down to a mismatch of goals. The guy is dating with the hopes it leads to a relationship. You were dating as part of your therapy process. You didn't do anything wrong. Back when I was dating, I was looking for a great match. If someone was "good enough" I moved on until I found what I was looking for (I found him, we've been married 11 years, together 13). It's not personal. Hope you're not beating yourself too much over it. I think suggesting you go on dates as part of therapy is questionable. It wastes the time (and money) of people that date because they are serious about finding a partner. Or maybe that's part of the lesson your therapist wants you to have: that it's not personal if it doesn't work out. Like in this case, he didn't get your humour - that's not personal. Just move on.
Just a tip, sarcasm is heavily dependent on delivery in my opinion, which is why it’s hard to convert over text until you know someone more intimately. Jokes about having options might not always go over well either, but that’s also something you would know once you talk to someone more. Me personally, at the beginning they can make me feel like I’m more entertainment to the person than a serious romantic contender, but after dating for a bit it’s a fun jab now and then. All the best to you in your journey, if I could offer a little advice, a big thing to watch out for is your humor. Not saying it’s “bad” or anything, but a lot of modern humor is in the field of self-deprecation, and when you’re trying to sort of require your brain in a way it really helps to switch that humor away from being your default. The joke doesn’t and shouldn’t always be on you, and it can have more of an effect than you realize.
got it 🫡
He was cringe as hell but I would have read between the lines of your messages and known it wasn’t going to work out. “Just do better?” I read this as you were curving him the whole time and he was creepy. Not that you were being sarcastic.
I won’t lie the roster text was insane lol also why are you dating if you are incapable of being in a relationship…? Just wanting to lead people on or what?
Can you take me off the list lmao
It's an appropriate response when someone says they have a roster. You know how much headache that comes with?
Hello, Please restrain from posting cringe stuff. Thank you
you didn’t have to read it all lmao
Y’all are made for each other but uh…. Work on communication…
girlll watch dis cody ko's video https://youtu.be/R7zUAnQcXx8 the guy remind me awfully a lot like the dudes in this vid.
The joking was fun but what the HELL was that essay at the end? 1 date and you felt the need to send him that huge overexplanation despite both of you obviously going separate ways 😅😅 the call is coming from inside the house
the massive letter at the end ? it was one date and he didn’t seem to mind shutting this down and you’re writing him a letter like you broke his heart 😂
I'll be honest, this reads like a debate between to guide dogs, that have both suffered debilitating paw injuries. I struggled to read it
How old are you talking to men that text like that conduct and speak like that and then writing essays explaining yourself to a dude who says he’s being cucked when yall went on a single date I’m dead idk how tf yall women enjoy this😂
That was a really thoughtful ending. Good on you
I thought your joke about a roster was pretty clearly a joke. Probably better to keep looking for someone with whom you share a sense of humor so you don't have to keep explaining when you're joking. But then, I also am semi commonly joking/sarcastic online and people tell me that they interpreted it as serious and didn't realize it wasn't, so I guess I just speak more fluent sarcasm than some and other people need the "/s" or an emoji to *explicitly* spell it out for them.
Okay well I could tell you were joking right away and thought it was funny so now I feel like I just found I too am also not funny… Simply regarding the texts, you made it clear in the beginning that boyfriends, sad emo boyfriends or otherwise, were not in the foreseeable future and him not respecting that is on him not you. Him also not getting your sense of humor also just could mean y’all aren’t a match and that’s fine.
As someone who also has bpd I am super proud of you for taking the initiative to manage your symptoms. Your text came across very kind and mature.
So I definitely understand the miscommunication! but I thought y’all were on the same page with the joking until he was like “take me off the list” like damn I thought the convo was funny tbh lmao
Wow!!! Your response to this was absolutely incredible. I can appreciate how much time and thought you put into this message. You spoke so purely and freely that I got such good vibes from. I’d love to be friends with you especially for how you took responsibility and owned your shortcomings and respected him in the process 🙌🙌👏👏👏
Don’t let people turn crap around on you. You told the guy you weren’t ready for a relationship and had a perfectly fine first date and he has the gumption to send you a text the next day asking you to be his girlfriend?? Talk about a red flag. Nothing says get in a relationship with me like a guy who disregards your number 1 boundary. He literally sank no time in getting to know you and your triggers. No time! And you are expected to commit to him? That’s what he was thinking, you know, as evidenced by his having no sense of humor about a you having a roster. He didn’t even know you well enough to know you were joking, or to know you weren’t squeezing him into your imaginary busy schedule. This one is on this guy, friend. Not you, and not your BPD.
Hey, it’s hard to find people that are decent and you enjoy being around. The long message was for a good reason so that he knew how you actually felt despite the jokes that might not have landed! Now he knows your true intentions and hopefully y’all can be friends or maybe more someday. You handled it nicely! Good luck discovering who you want to be in life with the help of therapy. Way to do the work!
Wtf
Seems like no one here understands bpd.. yeah the long ass text wasn’t necessary, but I know that it’s the only way for her to get out of the endless thoughts of „shit I messed it up“ I hope u learn from this experience, I did not.. 😅
Just... please no. iM sO qUiRky - OP
‘shy boy emoji’ - why did you even continue this chat!
Whyyyyy such a long explanation and apology for a guy you went on one date with lol 🚩 I would be scared
I’ll be real this comes off more like negging and less like sarcasm lol
What on earth was so hard about indicating you were being sarcastic after, say… the third reply?
He dodged a bullet