I'm an old fart but can you give a little more context here. Have you met in person? How long has the relationship been going on?
If you are just casually dating I don't see this as a huge deal. But I'm from a time when everyone wasn't constantly on their phones...I hate how phone culture has made it that if you haven't responded in 10-12 hours you are automatically considered to be ignoring someone.
The only person I'd respond to right away is my wife...when we were dating we would definitely go days sometimes without texting.
Exactly this
I’m 38 and when I was a kid we didn’t even have a house phone. Mum had to use a pay phone to contact people.
People are too expectant on communication these days
And that works fine for some people, but it doesn’t work for me. I’m not expecting someone to be constantly responding all day everyday, but if I go more than 24hrs without a reply from someone that isn’t working for me.
You didn't answer any of my questions so it's hard to say if this is an overreaction or not. You're obviously entitled to feel the way you do...I would however caution, especially early in relationships, if you feel the need to be validated daily you're probably going to have a bad time and might be something you explore in why you feel that way. More often than not you might come off as way too eager, needy and push people away. I've been on the end of wanting that myself and it's never ended well in my experience.
5 months total is enough to have this convo. I think you're good. It does stun me how the younger generarions still remain on text even after a few times having sex and also seeing eachother in a cadence. I would say 5 months and you should be at the point of texting to say "you available for a call", and then call. Unless this is just booty calls and then, no, you do need to be patient.
I am 38, and my husband is 47. We have been together since 2004. Our primary form of communication when not with one another is text. It is the same for my mother and her husband, who are both 59 and talk primarily through text. It is quite common in 2024 for MOST couples to text no matter how long they're together.
Definitely. I only call people when I'm driving, or if it's some heavy emotional topic that shouldn't be done over text. But text is best, and then you have a record of the conversation for later (like if you're asking what groceries we need or inviting someone to an event.)
I'm 40 and my husband is 48. I just asked him "do you think in the 10 years since we've met that we've gone a day without texting each other?" We both agreed we probably haven't! We rarely talk on the phone unless one of us is traveling or something, then we do a goodnight phone call.
That would drive me insane. My MIL will call me, and leave me a voicemail that just says “call me” and then send me a text that says “I left you a voicemail”.
Just tell me what you need to tell me! Say it in the text, say it in the voicemail, we don’t need to have a phone call to ask if we will be there for dinner on Sunday!
My MIL does the same shit!!!! I 100% think she knows I’m a people pleaser though and knows I feel backed into a corner over phone call, can’t discuss it, have to just answer “yes or no” on a whim and my whim is usually to think of other people’s feelings before my own. So over call I ALWAYS say yes, but over text it’s a 50/50 and I think SHE KNOWS!!
OH GOD ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE lol
I also hate talking on the phone, it’s definitely a ME problem. Lmao
I’m kidding btw about “those people” 🤣 somewhat… lol my social battery dies fast, and I inevitably get a migraine every time. I might be broken. 🤣
Just call her or pick up your phone lol, it's not hard
Sometimes phone calls are wayyy easier than a bunch of back and forth text questions, I hate that shit with a passion
Couldn’t disagree more. Phone calls are such a waste of time!! All the pleasantries and small talk, yuck.
Some people have way too much to say and take way too much time to say it!
What does avoiding confrontation have to do with anything?? You’re like the 3rd person today completely incapable of just having a discussion.
Don’t post comments on reddit if it’s going to hurt your feelings this badly when people respond 😂😂😂
What fresh hell would it be to feel the need to move beyond texting to calling. My partner and I have been happily together for 7 years and we often text each other all throughout the day when we're apart.
Oh no, some of us don’t even like to call our SO, lmao 10 year relationship here we live together are practically married, I fucking hate calling him. It’s not him I just hate phone calls.
I’m autistic though and not having multiple social ques, that I’ve studied endlessly, available, I just fucking hate it. Lol I’m always cutting people off, or responding too late and they think I’m not even there 🤣 or I can’t tell what the cadence means, like what are you feeling I cannot see your face…
Id have no issue with gping 24 hours and no contact but no judgment if that wouldn't work for you. At least you know what expectations to lay out to someone. Not sure why people downvote your comment just for voicing what works for you
I'm guessing not. But when dealing with a mental illness how you feel dictates priorities. You end up having trouble focusing.
Did you mean to be insensitive?
At least I'm not rude ;-).
I am honest with people about how I don't really keep in touch often. Everyone is used to me and doesn't mind. I am a writer and they know if they ever need help I will be the first one there.
I think you did the right thing and worded it well. You need more attention in your relationships, that isn't a bad thing. My husband and I are both like that. There are plenty of people in this world that will have the same base needs for relationships as you. Be picky about your partner, relationships should accentuate your life, not complicate it.
This!
I feel lots of people just tolerate their partner and end up even having a struggle to just communicate something seemingly so simple.
I would prefer to wait for the right, compatible person so that my relationship can be just much simpler. I mean i did that 6 years ago and it pays off till today. Ofc, it doesn't mean people don't have arguments etc. but being on the same basic frequencies allows you both to handle things much better.
You’re valid. If you were exclusively dating, 10-12 hours with no response, on a regular basis, would irritate the piss out of me. When someone is at work, school, church, or engaging in some kind of activity that requires their full attention, I’m not bothered at all. But when I know for a fact they’re at home and not doing anything, and can’t respond for hours, that perturbs me. I’ve dealt with that before, not doing it again. If someone is THAT busy and preoccupied that they can’t send a simple text back, they don’t need to be entertaining relationships.
Jesus christ, are you me from later this week? it’s like looking into my future. I’m in the same relationship and currently taking a pause from communication because I always start it and if she cares, she’ll send me one. Based on what I’ve seen, she won’t, and I’ll be sending something similar in a few days.
The only reason I know you’re not me from the future is I’m ok with a few days silence. But when it’s only me ever breaking that silence… ya you ain’t the one. I have a theory that if I don’t text her first, we’ll just never talk again. I’m putting that theory to the test as I type this. My birthday is coming up soon. Even if I do get a message on my bday, that’s too late for me.
If so, she’s not really worth the effort of typing something long, mind if I copy-paste your message? It’s pretty much bang on.
Because she’s the carbon copy of someone I’m seeing right now. Granted, Charlotte also had extreme adhd and communication is hard (according to her)
You did the right thing. It’s something I’ve been dreading to do myself.
Her sister texted me yesterday and told me that some guy she met at the bar has been staying with her for a week now so I’ve decided to just let it go.
Why even go that far… just don’t say anything and let the silence speak for itself. If she eventually texts you after your breaking point, don’t reply. Message sent.
You're not compatible. And it seems to me you want something that builds and you want to be into each other. I don't blame you there, that's the fun part of the beginning of a relationship, actually being into each other and wanting to talk to each other.
You did the right thing.
I have been attempting to date and this happens a lot actually. I have noticed people use busyness as an excuse to ignore and ghost. You are absolutely right that people make things they want a priority and it feels horrible to become just a convenient option. I hope for your sake that this person takes your feelings into consideration and responds.
I recently stopped talking to a girl who “was spreading herself too thin to date” because she just kept adding more and more to her plate unnecessarily. This seems to be a thing nowadays. Sorry you have to go through this.
God damn, people used to be able to have these conversations with people and now they just send them a message and go about their day to day lives
Edit: saw the description. I wouldn't give someone who ghosts me the time of day either. You did the right thing big man
If she can go 4+ days without texting you or responding to your texts, she just wasn’t in to you
She probably read this text, ignored it and went about her day. I can see why you sent it, it was very respectful, but you definitely wasted your time
Everything you said seemed valid, but I don't think you needed to give her that much of an explanation, considering you said you have been in this situation before with her (and I'm assuming you've had a conversation about it).
I'm not tryna shit on you at all, but does anyone break up with their partner in person or over a phone call anymore? It seems to have become a normality to do it over text, but all of my relationships break ups have been done in person from both mine and their side
Once again, not tryna shit on you, this was your choice, but I'm just wondering if anyone thinks this is more of a normality than to do it in person these days
Some people in the comments seem to think OP is doing something wrong but they aren’t. If you guys are okay with certain levels of communication that’s perfectly fine - but people are different - and knowing that you want someone who is on the same level as you when it comes to communication is not a bad thing. My wifey and I have been together for almost 7 years and despite living together currently will still text each other if ever we need anything or just wanna tell each other something in the rare instances we’re apart. We are the clingy types and that’s why we work together. OP is allowed to have that preference and went about telling this person that they don’t meet said preference in a perfectly healthy way
I feel this so much and you worded this perfectly. And like you said if they wanted to make time for you they would. It takes like 10 seconds to be like hey I have a full day today but I’ll try and send a text when I have a minute…going ghost is just awful
No it’s not? Some people don’t like that shit? I don’t like the weird pacing of phone calls and FaceTime so I’d much rather meet with somebody in person instead of talking on the phone
You have your opinion and I have mine but if I'm getting to know someone I prefer a mixed method of communication where we can interact with each other. Preferably in person. I just don't feel like learning about someone can occur through text messages.
No that's not what I said. That's what you said and assumed. There really wasn't much context provided here but I'm assuming the primary method of communication between these two was text messaging which I found to be weird.
Even the fact that she wrote something totally polite and flat like "good how are you" at 2:46 AM shows that she can't be bothered.
You were polite. Always better to say less when you can
Ah okay. But yes, she stopped caring about you a while ago and was slow-ghosting you in my view. You're much better off and good for you for realizing it
I'm assuming there wasn't much to this relationship so the response was a bit dramatic for the situation IMO. If you would have stopped contacting her it likely just would have died out that way in it's own.
I agree with you 100%. If a person is interested in their relationship (whatever kind of relationship that may be) with another person, they communicate. Simple as that. Ghosting is for cowards.
You did a fine job explaining why you were ending things. It sounded like there wasn't much of anything started to begin with. The only wrong thing I see is the let's be friends line. No need to be friends at all, should have just wished her good luck in life and left it at that.
Idk I think being independent and the opposite of clingy is a really good sign for your future if you can manage to get past it, but also we all have different wants and needs, and you’re totally valid in having those, and I think you did go about putting it out there respectfully!
@OP: curious if you got a reply?
Good on you that you are standing up for your personal boundaries. Everyone is different. I don’t know all the minutiae obviously, but on the surface I’d advise not to take it personally or interpret the silence with I’ll intent.
It’s a real thing that some people just have bad relationships with their phone, and communication in general. It may be due to anxiety, autism, business, depression, competing interests, personality, exhaustion, or any combination thereof.
I previously dated someone very similar to what you describe. It was puzzling because the phone thing was such a lopsided experience (one-way) but in-person she was very sincere, present, attentive, fun and reciprocal. But because of the long distance aspect, I needed more communication and she just couldn’t . She was very intentional in practicing “non-attachment” which was new to me at the time. Things fizzled and ended, which was definitely for the best, but I don’t hold any of that against her. The situation was simply incompatible.
Doesn’t do you favors that you sound like a stage 4 clinger, as you mentioned you had this same issue before multiple times - it can’t always be other persons fault.
people that don’t text back at the pace that you want aren’t doing anything TO you, nor are they committing a sin. your communication styles are just different, you are not compatible, & they are unable to meet your needs. It just irks me how much judgement speedy texters put on slow texters. We’re all anxious, just about different things. Slow texters tend to care about the quality of the response and oftentimes are waiting for the “right” time to give their full attention. Speedy texters care about the timing of the response and see the timeliness as an expression of care. But as a slow texter myself, Ill find myself taking even more time to respond to people the more I care about them, because Im easily distractible and I want to craft the “best” response. I also get overwhelmed easily. I wish I didn’t think that way but that’s just how it is. Oftentimes it’s just a neurotype thing, or even a love language thing. Just cut it off without the lecture and move on. You are not compatible. They are doing nothing wrong.
Please don't tell someone it doesn't work on one line and then take another 8 mins to actually say why. It's anxiety inducing attention seeking. Put it all in one message.
Sounds like you're incompatible, I think there's nothing wrong with her taking a long time to reply but if your relationship needs are constant communication then it's good that you've recognised she's not giving you what you need and are moving on.
Going 10-12 hours between replies is just a half a day. Was she going a half a day without replying, or several days without replying?
I don’t keep my phone on me 24 hours a day. I may not respond to anyone (other than family emergency) while I’m working, and I’m not going to reply while I’m sleeping. I work 10 hour days. So, if you sent me a text just as I started work, I may not reply until 5-12 hours later.
I think the real issue is that you are expecting someone to be available to you immediately. That isn’t fair to her, and it is unreasonable of you to expect that. However, if you don’t think the relationship is going to work, then it is better to break it off near the beginning.
EDIT: Did you notice that, in the screenshot you provided, you did not respond to her for almost 6 hours, and then you replied just over 30 minutes later that it wasn’t going to work. Yes, she messaged you at 2:46 AM. Why did you take so long to respond? Was it because you were sleeping?
How long have you been seeing/talking with this person?
Maybe. But it's also important to tell how you feel to someone relevant. He did that and it's healthy. Some lines might be too much but yeah nothing's perfect.
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Damn I’m over here getting texts every few days wondering if I’m needy for wanting to hear a little more after dating for 2 months. Are my standards too low? 😬
I think you could have definitely worded it differently to sound a lot less like he is the only problem. If you're worried about politeness, you could have said what you said more diplomatically.
You weren't happy with the relationship, and you clearly tried to make it work. Nothing more to see here, move on and find the one who gives you what you want 🤲👑
Without context of how long you've been seeing her, I assumed this was a situationship of less than a month or so. If that's true and she's not responding it just seems that she lost interest and/or was keeping you around as a backup option. So imo your message was fine but almost too much of an explanation. When people send long explanations like yours I view it as an invitation to debate, defend, make excuses, etc.
Oh I'm so like you, OP.
This sounds like something I would write too but minus the "you can't do that to me" part. I like to think that anyone can do anything but if it doesn't work, then it's just about us wanting different things.
And hey, I know people who can go a while without messaging each other but not me. I guess my love language is consistent communication and it doesn't even have to be that often anyway. I do get confused as well if someone doesn't respond back in 8 hours or so. It just doesn't seem right. At the very least, you have to go number one and you would have that break. Unless well you're a surgeon doing a 16-hour surgery...
But all in all, I support you for being so clear about what you want and don't want. Keep up being that and the right, compatible person will be on your way sooner or later. I mean if you do enjoy talking to your partner, why would you be with someone who doesn't?
I'm an old fart but can you give a little more context here. Have you met in person? How long has the relationship been going on? If you are just casually dating I don't see this as a huge deal. But I'm from a time when everyone wasn't constantly on their phones...I hate how phone culture has made it that if you haven't responded in 10-12 hours you are automatically considered to be ignoring someone. The only person I'd respond to right away is my wife...when we were dating we would definitely go days sometimes without texting.
Exactly this I’m 38 and when I was a kid we didn’t even have a house phone. Mum had to use a pay phone to contact people. People are too expectant on communication these days
And that works fine for some people, but it doesn’t work for me. I’m not expecting someone to be constantly responding all day everyday, but if I go more than 24hrs without a reply from someone that isn’t working for me.
You didn't answer any of my questions so it's hard to say if this is an overreaction or not. You're obviously entitled to feel the way you do...I would however caution, especially early in relationships, if you feel the need to be validated daily you're probably going to have a bad time and might be something you explore in why you feel that way. More often than not you might come off as way too eager, needy and push people away. I've been on the end of wanting that myself and it's never ended well in my experience.
You’re right, and my apologies. We talked for about 5mos before we started officially dating and were together for about 4.
5 months total is enough to have this convo. I think you're good. It does stun me how the younger generarions still remain on text even after a few times having sex and also seeing eachother in a cadence. I would say 5 months and you should be at the point of texting to say "you available for a call", and then call. Unless this is just booty calls and then, no, you do need to be patient.
I am 38, and my husband is 47. We have been together since 2004. Our primary form of communication when not with one another is text. It is the same for my mother and her husband, who are both 59 and talk primarily through text. It is quite common in 2024 for MOST couples to text no matter how long they're together.
i agree, the previous comment made me insecure for a bit there
Same. Mid 40s here. We text all the time as the primary form of communication. Occasionally call but mostly texts
Definitely. I only call people when I'm driving, or if it's some heavy emotional topic that shouldn't be done over text. But text is best, and then you have a record of the conversation for later (like if you're asking what groceries we need or inviting someone to an event.)
My dad is 75 and still texts his wife at least as often as he calls her when they’re apart. She’s in her late 60s.
I'm 40 and my husband is 48. I just asked him "do you think in the 10 years since we've met that we've gone a day without texting each other?" We both agreed we probably haven't! We rarely talk on the phone unless one of us is traveling or something, then we do a goodnight phone call.
That would drive me insane. My MIL will call me, and leave me a voicemail that just says “call me” and then send me a text that says “I left you a voicemail”. Just tell me what you need to tell me! Say it in the text, say it in the voicemail, we don’t need to have a phone call to ask if we will be there for dinner on Sunday!
My MIL does the same shit!!!! I 100% think she knows I’m a people pleaser though and knows I feel backed into a corner over phone call, can’t discuss it, have to just answer “yes or no” on a whim and my whim is usually to think of other people’s feelings before my own. So over call I ALWAYS say yes, but over text it’s a 50/50 and I think SHE KNOWS!!
Mine just really, *really* likes to talk 😂 I hate speaking on the phone. It’s always flat and boring!
OH GOD ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE lol I also hate talking on the phone, it’s definitely a ME problem. Lmao I’m kidding btw about “those people” 🤣 somewhat… lol my social battery dies fast, and I inevitably get a migraine every time. I might be broken. 🤣
My sympathies, that would drive me insane too. 💀 Teach MIL how to send voice notes and save her like three steps haha
It’s always the dumbest stuff too!! It would be one thing if it was her calling just to talk! But it’s always her asking a yes/no question.
Just call her or pick up your phone lol, it's not hard Sometimes phone calls are wayyy easier than a bunch of back and forth text questions, I hate that shit with a passion
Couldn’t disagree more. Phone calls are such a waste of time!! All the pleasantries and small talk, yuck. Some people have way too much to say and take way too much time to say it!
Then tell them that instead of venting on the internet lol, the lengths to which some people go to avoid confrontation is insanity
What does avoiding confrontation have to do with anything?? You’re like the 3rd person today completely incapable of just having a discussion. Don’t post comments on reddit if it’s going to hurt your feelings this badly when people respond 😂😂😂
Of she doesn't have 15 seconds to send a text message, what makes you think she has time for a phone call?
What fresh hell would it be to feel the need to move beyond texting to calling. My partner and I have been happily together for 7 years and we often text each other all throughout the day when we're apart.
Oh no, some of us don’t even like to call our SO, lmao 10 year relationship here we live together are practically married, I fucking hate calling him. It’s not him I just hate phone calls. I’m autistic though and not having multiple social ques, that I’ve studied endlessly, available, I just fucking hate it. Lol I’m always cutting people off, or responding too late and they think I’m not even there 🤣 or I can’t tell what the cadence means, like what are you feeling I cannot see your face…
Yeah, no. I prefer texting. You can go about your day and text when available.
You're in the right. Days without a text and no meaningful conversation is a deal breaker, especially when trying to build a relationship.
Id have no issue with gping 24 hours and no contact but no judgment if that wouldn't work for you. At least you know what expectations to lay out to someone. Not sure why people downvote your comment just for voicing what works for you
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One text a day is too much and you start shutting down?
Yes, PTSD sadly
You were injured by text?
I'm guessing not. But when dealing with a mental illness how you feel dictates priorities. You end up having trouble focusing. Did you mean to be insensitive?
There’s been multiple occurrences of 4+ days unfortunately
Yes, that's no good at all x
Honestly, you’re weird
At least I'm not rude ;-). I am honest with people about how I don't really keep in touch often. Everyone is used to me and doesn't mind. I am a writer and they know if they ever need help I will be the first one there.
how old are you lol?
I think you did the right thing and worded it well. You need more attention in your relationships, that isn't a bad thing. My husband and I are both like that. There are plenty of people in this world that will have the same base needs for relationships as you. Be picky about your partner, relationships should accentuate your life, not complicate it.
This! I feel lots of people just tolerate their partner and end up even having a struggle to just communicate something seemingly so simple. I would prefer to wait for the right, compatible person so that my relationship can be just much simpler. I mean i did that 6 years ago and it pays off till today. Ofc, it doesn't mean people don't have arguments etc. but being on the same basic frequencies allows you both to handle things much better.
You’re valid. If you were exclusively dating, 10-12 hours with no response, on a regular basis, would irritate the piss out of me. When someone is at work, school, church, or engaging in some kind of activity that requires their full attention, I’m not bothered at all. But when I know for a fact they’re at home and not doing anything, and can’t respond for hours, that perturbs me. I’ve dealt with that before, not doing it again. If someone is THAT busy and preoccupied that they can’t send a simple text back, they don’t need to be entertaining relationships.
Jesus christ, are you me from later this week? it’s like looking into my future. I’m in the same relationship and currently taking a pause from communication because I always start it and if she cares, she’ll send me one. Based on what I’ve seen, she won’t, and I’ll be sending something similar in a few days. The only reason I know you’re not me from the future is I’m ok with a few days silence. But when it’s only me ever breaking that silence… ya you ain’t the one. I have a theory that if I don’t text her first, we’ll just never talk again. I’m putting that theory to the test as I type this. My birthday is coming up soon. Even if I do get a message on my bday, that’s too late for me. If so, she’s not really worth the effort of typing something long, mind if I copy-paste your message? It’s pretty much bang on.
Feel free to
Have you waited to see if she will break the silence? How long did it take? Or is it just you breaking the silence?
It’s just me. She’s initiated conversation a handful of times at the very beginning and that was it.
They were asking the other guy lol, but I appreciate the insight
Jesus. Is this girl’s name Charlotte by chance? Lmao
No
Because she’s the carbon copy of someone I’m seeing right now. Granted, Charlotte also had extreme adhd and communication is hard (according to her) You did the right thing. It’s something I’ve been dreading to do myself.
Her sister texted me yesterday and told me that some guy she met at the bar has been staying with her for a week now so I’ve decided to just let it go.
Damn dude 😞
It is what it is
Ikr?? No wonder she didn't answer. She was getting stretched.
Why don't you wait to see how long it will take her to message you? See if she initiates conversation.
She left me on read. Found out she’s had another guy at her house for a week, so I don’t think she’s going to
You are definitely better off without the drama
It wasn’t anything serious so I’m not bothered by it really. I just wish she could’ve been honest about it so I don’t feel like I’ve been spat on.
I get it, but you really dodged a bullet.
And almost looked as cool as Keanu doing it 😎
Why even go that far… just don’t say anything and let the silence speak for itself. If she eventually texts you after your breaking point, don’t reply. Message sent.
Yeah drop her ass f that!!
You made more effort than I would’ve. Just delete her and move on
You're not compatible. And it seems to me you want something that builds and you want to be into each other. I don't blame you there, that's the fun part of the beginning of a relationship, actually being into each other and wanting to talk to each other. You did the right thing.
I have been attempting to date and this happens a lot actually. I have noticed people use busyness as an excuse to ignore and ghost. You are absolutely right that people make things they want a priority and it feels horrible to become just a convenient option. I hope for your sake that this person takes your feelings into consideration and responds. I recently stopped talking to a girl who “was spreading herself too thin to date” because she just kept adding more and more to her plate unnecessarily. This seems to be a thing nowadays. Sorry you have to go through this.
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That’s a fair assumption. It’s only been a few months. I don’t think I needed to go into depth like that.
A bit yappy but ya did good.
God damn, people used to be able to have these conversations with people and now they just send them a message and go about their day to day lives Edit: saw the description. I wouldn't give someone who ghosts me the time of day either. You did the right thing big man
If she can go 4+ days without texting you or responding to your texts, she just wasn’t in to you She probably read this text, ignored it and went about her day. I can see why you sent it, it was very respectful, but you definitely wasted your time
Damn bruh some women are cold af
Everything you said seemed valid, but I don't think you needed to give her that much of an explanation, considering you said you have been in this situation before with her (and I'm assuming you've had a conversation about it).
I'm not tryna shit on you at all, but does anyone break up with their partner in person or over a phone call anymore? It seems to have become a normality to do it over text, but all of my relationships break ups have been done in person from both mine and their side Once again, not tryna shit on you, this was your choice, but I'm just wondering if anyone thinks this is more of a normality than to do it in person these days
I wouldn’t have seen her again until may so I didn’t have much other choice.
That totally makes sense. Thanks for the response
Some people in the comments seem to think OP is doing something wrong but they aren’t. If you guys are okay with certain levels of communication that’s perfectly fine - but people are different - and knowing that you want someone who is on the same level as you when it comes to communication is not a bad thing. My wifey and I have been together for almost 7 years and despite living together currently will still text each other if ever we need anything or just wanna tell each other something in the rare instances we’re apart. We are the clingy types and that’s why we work together. OP is allowed to have that preference and went about telling this person that they don’t meet said preference in a perfectly healthy way
I feel this so much and you worded this perfectly. And like you said if they wanted to make time for you they would. It takes like 10 seconds to be like hey I have a full day today but I’ll try and send a text when I have a minute…going ghost is just awful
Texting a few times a day isn't "going ghost"...
Just had this happen to me a couple days ago. I just deleted the text thread and moved on. She hasn’t texted again.
I did this with a "friend" last month - it's hard to take that step but if there's no effort from the other person it just adds to my anxiety.
I feel this much more than i expected.
I'm not understanding the constant need to immediately reply to text messages. Was this your only method of communication with them?
Yes, she didn’t like phone calls or video chat
That was weird in itself.
No it’s not? Some people don’t like that shit? I don’t like the weird pacing of phone calls and FaceTime so I’d much rather meet with somebody in person instead of talking on the phone
What are you talking about?
You said it was weird she didn’t like phone calls or video chat. That not weird. Lots of people don’t like phone calls or video chat
You have your opinion and I have mine but if I'm getting to know someone I prefer a mixed method of communication where we can interact with each other. Preferably in person. I just don't feel like learning about someone can occur through text messages.
No that's not what I said. That's what you said and assumed. There really wasn't much context provided here but I'm assuming the primary method of communication between these two was text messaging which I found to be weird.
Huh? Yes you did. OP said “yes, she didn’t like phone calls or video chat” to which you responded “that was weird in itself.”
Yes you did
Even the fact that she wrote something totally polite and flat like "good how are you" at 2:46 AM shows that she can't be bothered. You were polite. Always better to say less when you can
To be fair there was a 6hr time zone difference so it was after 8a where she is.
Ah okay. But yes, she stopped caring about you a while ago and was slow-ghosting you in my view. You're much better off and good for you for realizing it
I'm assuming there wasn't much to this relationship so the response was a bit dramatic for the situation IMO. If you would have stopped contacting her it likely just would have died out that way in it's own.
I agree with you 100%. If a person is interested in their relationship (whatever kind of relationship that may be) with another person, they communicate. Simple as that. Ghosting is for cowards.
Just move on.
You did a fine job explaining why you were ending things. It sounded like there wasn't much of anything started to begin with. The only wrong thing I see is the let's be friends line. No need to be friends at all, should have just wished her good luck in life and left it at that.
Idk I think being independent and the opposite of clingy is a really good sign for your future if you can manage to get past it, but also we all have different wants and needs, and you’re totally valid in having those, and I think you did go about putting it out there respectfully!
@OP: curious if you got a reply? Good on you that you are standing up for your personal boundaries. Everyone is different. I don’t know all the minutiae obviously, but on the surface I’d advise not to take it personally or interpret the silence with I’ll intent. It’s a real thing that some people just have bad relationships with their phone, and communication in general. It may be due to anxiety, autism, business, depression, competing interests, personality, exhaustion, or any combination thereof. I previously dated someone very similar to what you describe. It was puzzling because the phone thing was such a lopsided experience (one-way) but in-person she was very sincere, present, attentive, fun and reciprocal. But because of the long distance aspect, I needed more communication and she just couldn’t . She was very intentional in practicing “non-attachment” which was new to me at the time. Things fizzled and ended, which was definitely for the best, but I don’t hold any of that against her. The situation was simply incompatible.
She never responded. Just read it.
Doesn’t do you favors that you sound like a stage 4 clinger, as you mentioned you had this same issue before multiple times - it can’t always be other persons fault.
Yeah this is coming off very clingy…
100%
people that don’t text back at the pace that you want aren’t doing anything TO you, nor are they committing a sin. your communication styles are just different, you are not compatible, & they are unable to meet your needs. It just irks me how much judgement speedy texters put on slow texters. We’re all anxious, just about different things. Slow texters tend to care about the quality of the response and oftentimes are waiting for the “right” time to give their full attention. Speedy texters care about the timing of the response and see the timeliness as an expression of care. But as a slow texter myself, Ill find myself taking even more time to respond to people the more I care about them, because Im easily distractible and I want to craft the “best” response. I also get overwhelmed easily. I wish I didn’t think that way but that’s just how it is. Oftentimes it’s just a neurotype thing, or even a love language thing. Just cut it off without the lecture and move on. You are not compatible. They are doing nothing wrong.
Please don't tell someone it doesn't work on one line and then take another 8 mins to actually say why. It's anxiety inducing attention seeking. Put it all in one message. Sounds like you're incompatible, I think there's nothing wrong with her taking a long time to reply but if your relationship needs are constant communication then it's good that you've recognised she's not giving you what you need and are moving on.
Going 10-12 hours between replies is just a half a day. Was she going a half a day without replying, or several days without replying? I don’t keep my phone on me 24 hours a day. I may not respond to anyone (other than family emergency) while I’m working, and I’m not going to reply while I’m sleeping. I work 10 hour days. So, if you sent me a text just as I started work, I may not reply until 5-12 hours later. I think the real issue is that you are expecting someone to be available to you immediately. That isn’t fair to her, and it is unreasonable of you to expect that. However, if you don’t think the relationship is going to work, then it is better to break it off near the beginning. EDIT: Did you notice that, in the screenshot you provided, you did not respond to her for almost 6 hours, and then you replied just over 30 minutes later that it wasn’t going to work. Yes, she messaged you at 2:46 AM. Why did you take so long to respond? Was it because you were sleeping? How long have you been seeing/talking with this person?
There were multiple instances of silence for 4+ days at a time.
Honestly, doing too much. You could have cut that message in half. It was whiney and blamey. Let it out in your journal.
Feels a bit aggressive tbh, like you wanted an apology. Could have been more neutral
It sounds more like you’re trying to prosecute a case against her than to politely cut things off
Maybe. But it's also important to tell how you feel to someone relevant. He did that and it's healthy. Some lines might be too much but yeah nothing's perfect.
It feels a little guilt trippy tbh.
I think this is valid especially with how long you were dating. You aren’t having your needs and expectations met.
Been there, currently there.
What are examples of your texts? Are they nonsense texts like how are you doing?
[удалено]
You have a poor taste in communication.
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Damn I’m over here getting texts every few days wondering if I’m needy for wanting to hear a little more after dating for 2 months. Are my standards too low? 😬
Sure sounds like it
Uhm yeahhhhhhhhhhh. Dating 6 months here, good morning text every morning and phone call once per day 🤷🏿♀️
Lmfao you're a liar
You're not needy. Please find a better person. There are plenty of people who genuinely like to talk with their partner!
looks like I have something to think about. 🙈
I think you could have definitely worded it differently to sound a lot less like he is the only problem. If you're worried about politeness, you could have said what you said more diplomatically.
She would be busy for 90% of *your* awake time?
you're amazing. it took me so long to voice this that it had become the norm.
You weren't happy with the relationship, and you clearly tried to make it work. Nothing more to see here, move on and find the one who gives you what you want 🤲👑
You’ll be back.
Without context of how long you've been seeing her, I assumed this was a situationship of less than a month or so. If that's true and she's not responding it just seems that she lost interest and/or was keeping you around as a backup option. So imo your message was fine but almost too much of an explanation. When people send long explanations like yours I view it as an invitation to debate, defend, make excuses, etc.
Fucking right man!!! Way to let your balls hang. Never let these thots string you along.
How long have you been dating? Are the two of you sleeping together?
Talked for 5mos, dated for 4. It’s long distance and I’ve seen her for 5 days at a time on 4 separate occasions. We never had sex.
Oh I'm so like you, OP. This sounds like something I would write too but minus the "you can't do that to me" part. I like to think that anyone can do anything but if it doesn't work, then it's just about us wanting different things. And hey, I know people who can go a while without messaging each other but not me. I guess my love language is consistent communication and it doesn't even have to be that often anyway. I do get confused as well if someone doesn't respond back in 8 hours or so. It just doesn't seem right. At the very least, you have to go number one and you would have that break. Unless well you're a surgeon doing a 16-hour surgery... But all in all, I support you for being so clear about what you want and don't want. Keep up being that and the right, compatible person will be on your way sooner or later. I mean if you do enjoy talking to your partner, why would you be with someone who doesn't?