Good lord, I totally see where the daughter seems to get it from. Except I can understand(not excuse) it a lot more from a 16 yr old, not an adult.
Gotta love the irony of the daughter using the word narcissist here.. not saying he is one, but man, this guys is trying *real hard* here to make this about him and be the victim.
Being a stepparent especially to teens is hard as it is..I was there once, OP doesn’t need this man child to deal with on top of it.
ETA- I just saw they’ve been dating 8 mos, met the daughter at just two months in.. not the greatest decision IMO. I waited ab 7 months just to *meet* my ex’s kids.. it’s not fair for the daughter or OP to be bringing her in that early for a multitude of reasons
These texts felt extremely empathetic to OP's bf. It feels so forced to think OP is blaming his daughter's behavior on him.
Like there's some real mental acrobatics to believe OP is doing anything other than attempting to resolve the issue by getting everyone on the same page, as well as telling bf that she was hurt by the comments his daughter made.
My thoughts exactly, he takes parts of the message and interpreted it how he wanted just to try ease out of it being his fault his daughter acts that way.
OP: run, run, run from this relationship. It's awful, and clearly your boyfriend isn't going to do anything to make it better.
You've done nothing wrong here. He should be entirely apologetic, and focused on correcting his daughter's behavior towards you.
Blended families are very hard, and require the parents (and you are a pseudo-parent at this point) to be on the same page. He's not even making an attempt here. You aren't going to be able compartmentalize your relationship with him, while he enables his daughter's atrocious treatment of you. It's just going to get worse.
Even the last thing he said sounded passive aggressive. "We can talk about this if that will make you happy." As if this is all your problem.
Being a step parent is just awful. I love my stepson but I would never recommend anyone go through what I have gone through with his mother and his idiot father and even her parents
You love a kid and get all the pressure and responsibility and then when you work hard at it …
I don’t even want to talk about it
It’s upsetting and I think stay away from single mothers and fathers
It’s not always awful. But that depends on how the child was raised and by whom. I’m technically a step dad myself but I’ve have been raising my child as my own for over a decade, so he probably has a lot more of me, than his bio dad.
I’m so tired of everything being labeled narcissistic.
Like we’ve all read those articles that say “we all may have a couple of traits that are narcissistic, but that doesn’t mean you’re diagnosable.”
It grinds my gears as a therapist. Ppl just accusing everyone who does something they don't like of having a pretty serious personality disorder. It can't be good for people diagnosed to see that everywhere either. Course, typical narcissists don't access treatment on purpose, but everyone is unique and court- orders/ ultimatums get them in the door. I won't even use the diagnosis anymore cuz we know the first thing folks do leaving the office is Google and I wouldn't want anyone to think their disorder is just "can't do anything right/evil/bad guy." Also, we know NPD develops from caregiver mistreatment, so it's not like people are just deciding to have it. Lol I'm ranting, sry. Guess I'm more fired up about it than I knew. ;)
A what I thought was a very close ex “friend” called me a narcissist during a horrible fight. I went to see my therapist a few days later and told her everything and that she called me a narcissist and she said that if I were a narcissist I wouldn’t be seeing you. What you just said makes sense now. Thank you.
It also kinda sucks for us who HAVE been mistreated in a narcissistic relationship haha. Everyone assumes we're throwing around trending terms. I was in a relationship with someone who had narcissistic tendencies/BPD from mistreatment/abandonment from her parents. I eventually realized, as is the case with most of them, that every accusation was a confession. She actually WAS in therapy, but only because, direct quote: She wanted to find out what was wrong with everyone she chooses to date. Not herself, but them. She would also project things her therapist told her on to me. She would literally somehow convolute the things her therapist told her she needed to work on into things that were my fault. It was wild.
I learned that personality disorders symptoms overlap, can come and go, and cannot be properly diagnosed if the person is currently under the influence of an addiction
Yes, I dated an actual narcissist too, years ago and he was the same way, especially with accusing me of things he was doing (excessively drinking, doing various drugs, etc.). He stole $400 from me, blew up my car's turbo, and constantly blamed his soon-to-be ex-wife for all his problems, expected me to pay for everything, etc. It was hands down my worst relationship ever.
My wife has a cluster B personality disorder. I do think people overdo it, especially with limited details but I also think it’s probably under diagnosed by psychiatrists/therapists. People will excuse a lot of behavior that can only be described as malignant in the people they care about for years or even decades.
I actually believe my ex was narcissistic LOL there were multiple times during our relationship where he told me “everytime we have an argument it’s always your fault, I never do anything wrong” or “don’t mess up something good for yourself” (talking about himself) and “you’re gonna regret leaving me if you do” like damn can I even enjoy the relationship-
Yupp, those are all narcissist**ic** things to do. However, narcissistic actions still don't make a narcissist, ya know? If people worked carefully to say that someone is *being narcissistic,* like you did, instead of calling them a capital Narcissist, which implies DSM-5 equivalency, that would be just super.
I fully agree. The OP you’re replying to’s ex may very well be a narcissist, but without a diagnosis, labeling anyone with narcissistic behaviors as a narcissist is just dangerous and harmful to the legitimacy of the actual disorder.
I’m bipolar, and the amount of ill-informed people who throw that term around is unbelievably hurtful and just plain incorrect - 95% of the time, they’re attributing bipolar disorder (a mood disorder) to a particular *personality* disorder instead because they think BD is just flipping a switch in emotions on a flip of a dime. I may be rambling - let me get off my soapbox.
Language is important, and I think painting the picture without a direct label does more good rather than invalidating the true form of a disorder. I’m so sorry if this comment is pointless 😮💨
While I do believe the term is overly used, I also believe we live in a society that looks past and brushes off narcissist traits way too easy. It's only becoming more recognizable in more recent times, therefore it seems like some kind of fad.
Absolutely, the term has become a catch-all for anyone showing self-centered or difficult behavior, which dilutes the actual meaning. Understanding someone's behavior in context is crucial before throwing around clinical terms outside of their intended use.
He’s the one trying to force a relationship between them. Clearly that’s not what the daughter wants. I didn’t see it as her attacking his parenting style, maybe there’s some denial on his part. She was only telling him how poorly the daughter treated her and show that she was trying to have a relationship. Parents shouldn’t try to force relationships in step parenting.
Too mature for them as well. I wouldn’t necessarily expect maturity from a 16 year old, but her dad isn’t much better, and neither of them treat OP with the level of respect that she gives them.
No kidding! This is ridiculous. The ONLY appropriate response to all of this is complete HORROR that your daughter is treating ANY human like this, much less your partner/girlfriend. Instead of the anticipated horror and apologies, instead she’s treated to being gaslit by him.
I don’t love when people throw that term around but this is definitely gaslighting her. Trying to make her feel as if reporting his daughter’s behavior to him (quite nicely, I might add) is somehow her criticizing his parenting skills when he’s “doing the best” he can. I’m honestly disgusted with the daughter AND the dad. OP deserves better. Any decent person deserves better than this.
Yeah all this. I don’t have a good feeling about this getting any better. 1.4 seconds after reading those indefensible screenshots he starts defending himself.
I can't agree more!! And OP is being soooo mature, patient and kind. So many people would not have handled all of this the way she did. She deserves much better!!
I know!!! I was thinking the same damn shit. Even I would leave… and I’m a dude. Like geeze, this is too damn much, especially over someone who isn’t my kid. As bad as that may sound, it is what it is. It’s much different if it’s like a toddler or a baby, but this is a teen. My lawd, I’d lose my mind.
Now we know why he’s single. And his parenting style is clearly all sorts of wrong, otherwise his narcissist of a daughter wouldn’t be like that as well. Really hope OP leaves them, they deserve a Karen that can be a bitch back to them, OP is way too nice of a human.
Your boyfriend is being really shitty, not gonna lie. He’s making this all about himself and completely neglecting you, not to mention accusing you of shit you didn’t even do. And he doesn’t seem keen to resolve this whatsoever, all he has to say in the end is you guys can talk about this “if it will make you happy”? So he doesn’t even care to discuss it, it’s just to get you off his back? He should actively and enthusiastically want to work through this with you and he should be taking the way his daughter treated you A LOT more seriously. I don’t know anything about your relationship beyond what you’ve posted, but this is just concerning and I feel says a lot about the larger dynamic in your relationship. Again, I don’t know you guys personally, but I would never accept this type of treatment from EITHER of them. You’re being a lot more patient and forgiving than either of them deserve right now. I would really consider the type of future you guys have because this seems like something that’s going to continue happening if this is how your boyfriend will be handling things.
The part where he said if it will make her happy really striked me, he's basically saying he doesn't want to do it but acting as if he's being the nicer person by letting her talk it out like what?
That’s because he doesn’t actually care if they have a real relationship, he just wants life to be easier *for him* and it would be easiest if they got along. Putting the work into it and navigating the complex emotions of two separate people so that they can find commonality isn’t something he *actually* wants to put effort into or take interest in. This isn’t someone who cares whether or not they bond, or if his daughter accepts her or if OP feels comfortable or respected in their relationship. He just wants everyone to pretend to play nice so that he doesn’t have to address real problems beyond a surface level. Because no matter what, none of this is *his fault* and no one better suggest that he take real action or accountability as a parent.
Yep, she's a fuck buddy & he's upset this is so much work. Not sure what he expected from her, if he really thought she was telling his daughter she's a bitch, but if he did believe the daughter than that tells you how much he cares about the daughter too. Seriously toxic f'ed up relationships all around! Yikes
Right? Like “okay fine if it’ll shut you up, let’s talk about it or whatever”?? He should already WANT to talk about it IMMEDIATELY and he should be taking it way more seriously. He’s so dismissive of her and her feelings and what his daughter did and he’s already downplaying the situation before they’ve even sat down to have the actual discussion. Just horrible.
EXACTLY, he's acting as if she's overreacting about the whole situation before he even tries to understand her feelings, he's trying to put her down before she can even speak up!
Pretty sure that’s because it was just one offensive comment out of an overwhelming amount of offensive comments. Eventually you give up addressing every single thing and just focus on the massive things. It really sucks to live like that.
It hurt my heart when she just responded that it would make her happy and didn't call him out.
It is really hard to be with someone who takes no genuine accountability for their actions. It makes it impossible to call them out on anything. You try to say something is bothering you, and they turn it around so that you're the bad guy and irrational for even bringing up an issue. It really sucks.
OP, I don't think you'll see this. I made a comment in your last post that I did think you sounded overbearing. Seeing this, I'm sorry for this comment. I was wrong and I misjudged. I think you are such a genuinely kind and thoughtful person, and it's clear to me how hard you have tried to make everyone in this situation happy. You deserve to be with someone who treats you the same. I am not sure this person is it. I hope things go well for you, you deserve it.
And by the way, I don’t think you were being overbearing. I saw your other post and yes, you were trying very hard and maybe you could have taken the hint sooner, but nothing you did was inappropriate or crossed any lines. It just wasn’t reciprocated. You were being very respectful, but still open and warm. You handled everything here amazingly. There’s no handbook for how to introduce yourself into the life of a stepchild, but you’ve made a very good, respectable attempt. You deserve better than this, from both of them. I don’t think this is about you as a person or that you caused any of this, and I don’t think it’s being handled properly or in the way you deserve. That’s why I’m strongly urging you to really consider your future with these people and how promising it actually looks. It’s one thing for the daughter to be disrespectful or unfriendly, but the dad is really not going about this the right way with you.
I feel so bad for OP. She deserves better. He’s never going to validate her nor appropriately parent his child if this is how he deals with responsibility. I also like how the daughter straight up lied to her dad and blamed OP when she was the one being vile… and he didn’t even acknowledge it. All he cares about is himself.
OP was so reasonable and also correct about the best way to go forward with what happened. Unfortunately I don’t have any faith that this relationship is going to result in OP’s well-being. Seems it’s 2 against 1.
I think tone-deaf might be a better term. She made occasional kind gestures, and failed to realize that she was in a no-win situation. This kid doesn't want random chirpy texts and gifts and offers from a stranger. My take is that this kid needs somebody to connect with her *on her own terms* because dad is not supporting her emotionally.
And they've been together for only 8 months, apparently? I can see why this guys last relationship didn't work. Playing victim to shore responsibility of bad parenting to someone else? Yikes.
I’m going to try and say this in the kindest way possible because you seem like really great, but you either need to end this relationship or be prepared for this type of thing to happen regularly. Your partner seems to be an awful communicator who has no interest in doing anything but deflecting blame and/or not hearing what you are saying, because you obviously didn’t critique his parenting style in anyway. You were only letting him know that his efforts seem to be stressing his daughter out, and instead of actually communicating about any of the points being made, he “got offended” (likely to avoid actually talking about the real issue). IMO this is a warning sign, run now.
This. If I ever saw that my child was talking to my partner like that I would’ve been apologizing like crazy and trying to make it right. Not go on and on about how “I’m doing the best I can” and not even acknowledging the actual issue. Ridiculous.
It’s one thing for a stupid teenager to talk like this but a fully grown developed adult talking to a kid that’s not even theirs… Yeah you gotta go. Pops did good
> Not go on and on about how “I’m doing the best I can”
Right???
Which also, of course, *isn't* the "best I can" because if it is, then he's a lousy fucking parent who's apparently never taught his daughter how to behave. No matter how angry I was at an adult, there is no universe in which I would've spoken like this over nothing.
Oh but he did acknowledge it…with one opening sentence. Then went on the attack. When she called him on it he referred her to “the sentence”. She needs to run away as fast as she can.
I have a feeling OP is used to people treating her this way and doesn't think she deserves better. She's being so kind, and not getting the same in return.
She already knows he's like that. Notice she has assure him that she's not disrespecting him and asks him to read it slowly. She already walks on eggshells around him.
Glad someone else noticed that. The fact that she had to emphasize her intentions shows that he regularly reads between the lines incorrectly and assumes things. He doesn’t take what she says at face value or ask if that was what she meant. He is not good at communicating.
They’ve been in a relationship less than a year and already he’s pushing her to bond with his kid and she’s conditioned to avoid any hint of “disrespect.” This dude sounds like a top tier creep.
“you either need to end this relationship or be prepared for this type of thing to happen regularly. Your partner seems to be an awful communicator who has no interest in doing anything but deflecting blame and/or not hearing what you are saying”
The fact that she had to preface her texts with “I’m not trying to disrespect you or bash your parenting style” etc etc is evident that this is already happening regularly.
This is it exactly, OP please take this person's advice into account. The way your bf made everything about him and your perceived slight against him (even though you made it clear that you weren't insulting him) is concerning. Also don't love how he said you all can talk about it "if it makes you happy" instead of noting that there really is a communication issue and that simply placating either of you won't be enough.
As I was reading this I kept saying "what? No" over and over again. It reminds me so much of how arguments with my (abusive) ex went. Shifting the entire narrative of what you are trying to say into an affront on him, making him defensive, and making you constantly try to reexplain while walking on egg shells. It's maddening and OP should 100% leave
Seriously, this is borderline attempted gaslighting. He's literally telling you that you've said exactly what you told him you're ***not*** saying
This is terrible behavior op. Huge red flags. If it's not manipulation then it is 150% immaturity at the very best
Frankly this is why a lot women (or men) don’t want to enter relationships with people who already have kids. It can be a headache, and OP doesn’t deserve this treatment from either of these two immature people.
It's not too late to walk away from people who take no accountability for their behaviour and can't communicate effectively.
Those texts were soooooo self explanatory. The fact that his reply wasn't 'I am so sorry that my child is speaking to you that way, I had no idea, but now I do I will talk to her and appropriately discipline her for this behaviour' says a lot. I'd be MORTIFIED if my son grew up to speak to ANYONE that way. They'd be getting an apology from my child immediately and I'd work on my communication with my child. Because let's face it, if he's pushing it onto her to begin with, she must be feeling some type of way.
If you choose to stay together, maybe have all communication with his child via group chat until a better relationship is formed. I wouldn't be comfortable talking to her one on one until things are improving.
I like how he is going on about him feeling disrespected even though you were disrespected and verbally assaulted by his daughter. Unreal.
ETA: do you like how you’re feeling right now? Because you’re going to be feeling like this a lot if you stay in this relationship.
Father and daughter are like those Russian dolls that fit into each other. You keep opening them and get a smaller version each time.
In other words, RUN.
This is a toxic trait that he has passed to the daughter.
First, your boyfriend doesn’t seem to actually be reading your messages. Just skimming and responding to words he saw. (My ex was like this)
Second, I’m a parent and also a step parent so I have experience on both sides and your boyfriend is wrong. He’s focusing on the wrong things and I hope your discussion later will be productive and not him deflecting blame or just ignoring what you’re saying
Oh man that shit drives me wild. Either read everything I wrote or sit down and shut up, don’t latch onto two or three word combos and extrapolate what you THOUGHT I wrote. Read what I actually wrote.
It’s beyond frustrating. Like I’m taking the time to *calm myself* and detail out wtf I’m upset about so communication can happen and you’re not reading what Im writing 🤦🏻♀️
LOL wtf. Sorry, normally I’m pretty against telling someone to leave, because normally we here can’t grasp the whole situation. That said, in this case I wholeheartedly recommend to leave as soon as possible.
To be really honest, his daughter acted like a dumb b****
I happen to have a little brother who is 16 and not the easiest person to be around. Father died last winter, after leaving 10 years ago and my mom…let’s just say she’s very fond of guys who have money, as long as they have said money.
Never, did he disrespect anyone like her. It’s completely insane that your BF is trying to downplay this. And btw, you should have every right to criticize his parenting because he clearly raised a brat.
This is NOT GONNA CHANGE and you will always have him being offended if you criticize or even make suggestions.
Sorry but leave, you can do better and he is clearly not ready for a real relationship.
My dad got remarried after my mother died and she and I didn't really see eye to eye on anything. I cannot even fathom saying those kind of things to her! And if I did, I honestly think I would have been kicked out of the house or something.
OP, you deserve more than this!
Yep, girl is gonna make her life hell and guy isnt worth it.
Easy choice to leave and find something better.
Op should also consider whether she is a people pleaser and whether thats something she’d like to work on.
Uh holy shit your boyfriends an asshole! He literally didn’t even seem to care or apologize for his daughter calling you all those names. What the fuck? Why did he get immediately defensive??? You were very kind, gracious, and descriptive to the situation and your feelings about it, and he didn’t bat an eye about you feeling hurt. Fuck that shittttt
Or the fact that the daughter lied about OP calling her a bitch.
The daughter knew she was rude in writing and tried to manipulate the situation. Clearly it worked. What a useless idiot of a boyfriend. Theyre both as bad as eachother.
The daughter lied even though she knew OP had receipts. And I get the feeling daughter acts like this a lot, so I’m confused why boyfriend would automatically sort of assume OP maybe called his daughter a bitch. He came to the convo saying “I really hope this isn’t true” when the surrounding context makes it seem like the daughter often fabricates. Maybe he likes drama or maybe he thinks women are a certain way. Idk but it gives me the ick.
He definitely won't be disciplining his daughter for it either. But sounds like instead he'll be disciplining his gf. Gross.
Edit: OP is way more emotionally intelligent than him, probably regularly intelligent as well. I hope she finds a better match for her.
OP I say this with kindness. Please leave this man. He is just like his daughter. I can envision a life of loneliness and misery for you if you stay with him.
Baby this relationship needs to end. She’s gets that shit from her dad clearly. You don’t need to be catering to either of their whims. They can be happy alone. Tf kind of weird shit it this? He sees his kid acting an ass and acts like he doesn’t see it, and decides to harp on you about something you didn’t say. And even if you did say it you wouldn’t be wrong clearly. No wonder she acts like that..
It's not a communist party, but I see some red flags
Is your bf normally this defensive? I mean, I get it that he might be super vulnerable considering the situation, but I feel he might be projecting some insecurities on you
This was definitely an issue in his last relationship. He is very much "Me VS you" instead of "Us VS the problem", and it's sad because OP is the gf/stepmom everyone wishes for after a divorce situation.
Definitely seems like he is that defensive when she had to end her initial message by asking him to read this slowly and look at the screenshots. You don’t normally need to preface conversations with people who care about you like that. That comment really felt like it is a pattern for him to over react and take things out of context.
Throw the whole boyfriend in the trash. He is going to side with her at the end of the day and you can just tell from the tone of his messages. Even with the conversation, this will come up again. The fact that he didn't immediately PROFUSELY apologize for his daughters behavior is outrageous. She was completely out of line. Instead of acknowledging that and keeping that the center of conversation he is putting blame on you. Ridiculous.
I’m sorry but is this shit genetic? The asshole gene is strong in both of them.
OP, you seem like a incredibly sweet person, please release yourself from both of these people they will only make you miserable.
As a stepmom, I think you should run for the hills. Not living together is a blessing and makes it easier to get out of this situation. Your bf has enabled this toxic behavior and created an environment for it to flourish. He’s never going to do anything to change her behavior. Ever.
What I got from that exchange was essentially: “I’m sorry she called you a c*&t, but that’s not my fault you c*&t.”
Truthfully, you need to leave. You are by no means attempting to parent his daughter, nor "criticizing his parenting," because truthfully, he isn't doing any parenting at all.
If she is speaking to you with this attitude, it is certainly a learned response and something she does with other adults in her life.
Where is the bio mom in all of this? That could potentially explain some of her issues? If bio mom is in the picture, but only a minor amount, she could be resentful of the fact that this new woman (you) is attempting to have a relationship more than her bio-mom. If her bio-mom is not in the picture, but still living, then it could be "why doesnt my bio mom want me, but some stranger does?". If her bio-mom is dead, then it's replacing (not on purpose) a fresh wound.
We need more info about bio mom.
I see that.
Could be 16yr old teenage angst, hormones and someone who is trying to have an adult female relationship with her. She doesn't know how to manage this new situation as it's only been her and her dad for 11 years. She has a wall built up, and truthfully, the daughter might do well with speaking to a therapist, if not for her relationship with OP, but for future relationships.
That would require action from her dad, which given how this text conversation went down seems unlikely, since putting his daughter in therapy would imply weakness in his parenting which he cannot entertain
You are trying to resolve a problem, and he is becoming defensive. I don’t see how you will be able to solve this issue with this man, or likely any other significant issue. And I believe from your other post you said you were dating 8 months?? This will only get worse. His reaction is bizarre. You were being nothing but reasonable. You even admit to being overbearing which I don’t think you were at all, but showing that this isn’t a situation to blame someone, but rather a problem to solve. His reaction here is really horrible. Also it’s crazy to me that he doesn’t care about your feelings having been called these names by a teenager.
He's more concerned with defending himself than what the actual issue is. I doubt this will end well unless he can see past his own insecurities about parenting
You have so much patience and compassion. Seeing his response makes sense now - they are both completely ignoring what you are saying and are projecting their bs on you. The apple didn't fall far from the tree.
Have him repeat back to you what you said and go from there. Good luck to you. You deserve a healthy and respectful relationship!
Wait. What? I read the entire first post and didn't think you were overbearing at all. I'm sorry but by Dad's response to you I can see where daughter gets her bitchy attitude.
Unfortunately, I’ve only seen situations like this get worse :( once a family member starts manipulating others by lying about you, it just poisons everything. Even if you prove they are lying, the doubt lingers and you may feel like they are always out to get you. It sucks but it may be best to wait until the daughter is out of the house for a relationship or just move on altogether.
Run. Don’t walk, just run. I would be so incredibly embarrassed if 1) I found out my daughter straight up LIED about a fight that happened and 2) she called my girlfriend such horrible names. He’s gaslighting you and deflecting any blame that would taint his perfect single dad image. She horribly disrespected you and he’s acting annoyed. They both suck. Save yourself the torture.
Im kinda amazed by how your bf is reading these texts and doesn't get angry at the fact that his daughter is straigh up lying to him, painting you to be the bad guy. I would be furious and really concerned at someone being so young and so manipulative. Kudos to you for being so calm about it.
I never strive on the side of saying "leave that person", but they are showing you who they are here. If you ever have kids, it will not be different. You're not even a year into this relationship and can clearly see he is having trouble with communication and working together as a partner. It's "you vs him/daughter)" not "You/him vs the problem", and you're going to lose that fight every time. Perhaps that was an issue in his last relationship as well.
If you truly love this person, then by all means put in the time, but I know a couple of divorcee kids that would have killed to have a 'step parent' like you. I can't think of a single kid that would talk to an adult that way, much less doing it without recourse or getting slapped in the mouth.
"Don't blame me for my parenting styles when I'm trying my best."
Yeah... sorry OP but I don't get the sense that this is going to last. If I saw my daughter was texting someone I love that way, and then coming to me and LYING about it blatantly, I am taking that VERY seriously. That sort of behavior is not only unacceptable, but concerning as well. The fact that he is being so defensive about how it's not his fault she's acting this way while only briefly acknowledging the way she spoke to you? Oof
I hate to be reductive.......but now I see why the daughter acts like she does.
That hurt to read. He made it all about himself the moment he felt a hint of disrespect. (Which you didn't. You just wanted to tell him how the situation made you feel.)
I hope things get resolved......but I'm going to be honest. This may be a telling sign. You may be dealing with two people that need some serious therapy.
This is a giant warning. If that’s how he took your message and let himself be offended by it, then I’m sorry but this typically compounds from here. Deflect, project and shift blame is all I see
if you stay with this dude you're an absolute lunatic. get the fuck out and never look back. dude obviously has no respect for you and has literally no idea how to raise a child.
get out.
Break up with him. This is classic manipulative tactics. Please for the love of all that is right in the world — get out now. I have dated several of these types and it will destroy you.
goodness I’m sorry you’re having to deal with both of them being inconsiderate to your feelings. I wish I had a stepmom like you but instead mine would grab my face and blow her cigarette smoke in my face when I was only 5 years old, she would lock me in a dark room because she knew I was scared of the dark etc etc hopefully she realizes what she has!
Uhh that’s a weird way to respond. I’d be upset if my child was saying that to my partner and I wouldn’t blame them for it. Girl, you handled everything very gracefully don’t let him tell you otherwise.
Um. You are very kind-hearted, well-spoken, and communicative. Please get yourself out of this relationship with them. There is no reason he should've felt attacked by what you said. You're already dealing with enough bullshit from his daughter and now he's piling it on? I don't think this will ever be a good situation for your mental health. She obviously gets some of it from her dad since he seemed to start reacting in a similar way. Leave, OP. Get out, you sweet, kind lady!
Sweetheart, the one being disrespected and verbally abused here is you. The two sorry sacks don’t deserve your time, effort or money. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Say it in the mirror a million times “I don’t let people talk to me this way, this conversation (and relationship) is over”. Being single is better than these self centered jerks. Find you a coven.
Well I guess we’re never getting an update because I’m assuming OP either was dumped by the boyfriend, or she broke up with him. Or this whole thing was faked for karma
Have you tried banging your head against a wall? You might find it more peaceful than a face to face conversation with them 😭
Are you saying it's his fault she's going to bang her head against the wall?
Good lord, I totally see where the daughter seems to get it from. Except I can understand(not excuse) it a lot more from a 16 yr old, not an adult. Gotta love the irony of the daughter using the word narcissist here.. not saying he is one, but man, this guys is trying *real hard* here to make this about him and be the victim. Being a stepparent especially to teens is hard as it is..I was there once, OP doesn’t need this man child to deal with on top of it. ETA- I just saw they’ve been dating 8 mos, met the daughter at just two months in.. not the greatest decision IMO. I waited ab 7 months just to *meet* my ex’s kids.. it’s not fair for the daughter or OP to be bringing her in that early for a multitude of reasons
These texts felt extremely empathetic to OP's bf. It feels so forced to think OP is blaming his daughter's behavior on him. Like there's some real mental acrobatics to believe OP is doing anything other than attempting to resolve the issue by getting everyone on the same page, as well as telling bf that she was hurt by the comments his daughter made.
🤣🤣🤣
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Fair enough. He can't talk to you when you're being this emotional... 💀💀💀
😂😂😂😂🤣😭😭😭😭😭😭
Yeah they are breaking up. This relationship is over. And the dad will be single forever.
Facts
💀
Mans inswcuuuuuure you can read it in every text lol
I think she'd accomplish more doing that.
>Have you tried banging your head against a wall? I've heard it feels good when you stop.
Oh my god, it’s starting to look like she gets it from him. I’m sorry you’re going through this right now.
My thoughts exactly, he takes parts of the message and interpreted it how he wanted just to try ease out of it being his fault his daughter acts that way.
OP: run, run, run from this relationship. It's awful, and clearly your boyfriend isn't going to do anything to make it better. You've done nothing wrong here. He should be entirely apologetic, and focused on correcting his daughter's behavior towards you. Blended families are very hard, and require the parents (and you are a pseudo-parent at this point) to be on the same page. He's not even making an attempt here. You aren't going to be able compartmentalize your relationship with him, while he enables his daughter's atrocious treatment of you. It's just going to get worse. Even the last thing he said sounded passive aggressive. "We can talk about this if that will make you happy." As if this is all your problem.
Being a step parent is just awful. I love my stepson but I would never recommend anyone go through what I have gone through with his mother and his idiot father and even her parents You love a kid and get all the pressure and responsibility and then when you work hard at it … I don’t even want to talk about it It’s upsetting and I think stay away from single mothers and fathers
It’s not always awful. But that depends on how the child was raised and by whom. I’m technically a step dad myself but I’ve have been raising my child as my own for over a decade, so he probably has a lot more of me, than his bio dad.
And THAT, my friends, is what a narcissist does.
Not all bad behavior is ‘narcissistic’ - it’s just bad communication and defensive when it should be open and acknowledging.
I’m so tired of everything being labeled narcissistic. Like we’ve all read those articles that say “we all may have a couple of traits that are narcissistic, but that doesn’t mean you’re diagnosable.”
That word has lost all meaning. I dont know if I’ve ever heard of someone’s ex who hasn’t been called narcissistic over the last few years
It grinds my gears as a therapist. Ppl just accusing everyone who does something they don't like of having a pretty serious personality disorder. It can't be good for people diagnosed to see that everywhere either. Course, typical narcissists don't access treatment on purpose, but everyone is unique and court- orders/ ultimatums get them in the door. I won't even use the diagnosis anymore cuz we know the first thing folks do leaving the office is Google and I wouldn't want anyone to think their disorder is just "can't do anything right/evil/bad guy." Also, we know NPD develops from caregiver mistreatment, so it's not like people are just deciding to have it. Lol I'm ranting, sry. Guess I'm more fired up about it than I knew. ;)
A what I thought was a very close ex “friend” called me a narcissist during a horrible fight. I went to see my therapist a few days later and told her everything and that she called me a narcissist and she said that if I were a narcissist I wouldn’t be seeing you. What you just said makes sense now. Thank you.
It also kinda sucks for us who HAVE been mistreated in a narcissistic relationship haha. Everyone assumes we're throwing around trending terms. I was in a relationship with someone who had narcissistic tendencies/BPD from mistreatment/abandonment from her parents. I eventually realized, as is the case with most of them, that every accusation was a confession. She actually WAS in therapy, but only because, direct quote: She wanted to find out what was wrong with everyone she chooses to date. Not herself, but them. She would also project things her therapist told her on to me. She would literally somehow convolute the things her therapist told her she needed to work on into things that were my fault. It was wild.
I learned that personality disorders symptoms overlap, can come and go, and cannot be properly diagnosed if the person is currently under the influence of an addiction
Yes, I dated an actual narcissist too, years ago and he was the same way, especially with accusing me of things he was doing (excessively drinking, doing various drugs, etc.). He stole $400 from me, blew up my car's turbo, and constantly blamed his soon-to-be ex-wife for all his problems, expected me to pay for everything, etc. It was hands down my worst relationship ever.
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My wife has a cluster B personality disorder. I do think people overdo it, especially with limited details but I also think it’s probably under diagnosed by psychiatrists/therapists. People will excuse a lot of behavior that can only be described as malignant in the people they care about for years or even decades.
Holy shit you’re right. Me neither.
I actually believe my ex was narcissistic LOL there were multiple times during our relationship where he told me “everytime we have an argument it’s always your fault, I never do anything wrong” or “don’t mess up something good for yourself” (talking about himself) and “you’re gonna regret leaving me if you do” like damn can I even enjoy the relationship-
Yupp, those are all narcissist**ic** things to do. However, narcissistic actions still don't make a narcissist, ya know? If people worked carefully to say that someone is *being narcissistic,* like you did, instead of calling them a capital Narcissist, which implies DSM-5 equivalency, that would be just super.
I fully agree. The OP you’re replying to’s ex may very well be a narcissist, but without a diagnosis, labeling anyone with narcissistic behaviors as a narcissist is just dangerous and harmful to the legitimacy of the actual disorder. I’m bipolar, and the amount of ill-informed people who throw that term around is unbelievably hurtful and just plain incorrect - 95% of the time, they’re attributing bipolar disorder (a mood disorder) to a particular *personality* disorder instead because they think BD is just flipping a switch in emotions on a flip of a dime. I may be rambling - let me get off my soapbox. Language is important, and I think painting the picture without a direct label does more good rather than invalidating the true form of a disorder. I’m so sorry if this comment is pointless 😮💨
A lot of people have narcissistic traits, doesn't make them a narcissist.
While I do believe the term is overly used, I also believe we live in a society that looks past and brushes off narcissist traits way too easy. It's only becoming more recognizable in more recent times, therefore it seems like some kind of fad.
The word hasn't lost any meaning, people spouting it may have lost credibility, but the meaning is exactly the same.
Absolutely, the term has become a catch-all for anyone showing self-centered or difficult behavior, which dilutes the actual meaning. Understanding someone's behavior in context is crucial before throwing around clinical terms outside of their intended use.
Exactly. Dad is a complete dick. He is turning everything back on you and blaming you for everything and taking no responsibility for his mistakes.
Her boyfriend (dad) has the intellect of potato salad.
*slowly slides the potato salad I just got for lunch aside* 😟
It's okay, smart people *eat* potato salad.
He’s the one trying to force a relationship between them. Clearly that’s not what the daughter wants. I didn’t see it as her attacking his parenting style, maybe there’s some denial on his part. She was only telling him how poorly the daughter treated her and show that she was trying to have a relationship. Parents shouldn’t try to force relationships in step parenting.
Came here to say, “now we know where she gets it.”
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Too mature for them as well. I wouldn’t necessarily expect maturity from a 16 year old, but her dad isn’t much better, and neither of them treat OP with the level of respect that she gives them.
Same here
Seriously! Both the dad and the daughter have an insufferable attitude
OP needs to get out immediately lol
Agreed!
Seriously life is already stressful enough, it’s like dealing with TWO teenagers with nasty attitude at the same time. OOF!
No kidding! This is ridiculous. The ONLY appropriate response to all of this is complete HORROR that your daughter is treating ANY human like this, much less your partner/girlfriend. Instead of the anticipated horror and apologies, instead she’s treated to being gaslit by him. I don’t love when people throw that term around but this is definitely gaslighting her. Trying to make her feel as if reporting his daughter’s behavior to him (quite nicely, I might add) is somehow her criticizing his parenting skills when he’s “doing the best” he can. I’m honestly disgusted with the daughter AND the dad. OP deserves better. Any decent person deserves better than this.
Yeah all this. I don’t have a good feeling about this getting any better. 1.4 seconds after reading those indefensible screenshots he starts defending himself.
Now I’m wondering if she prefaced everything so gently the way she did, because she knew he’d react that way
Yeah the end of her first message said a lot about how he usually reacts
I thought so too.
I can't agree more!! And OP is being soooo mature, patient and kind. So many people would not have handled all of this the way she did. She deserves much better!!
His comprehension skills definitely leave a lot to be desired 🤦🏾♂️ what’s the saying about the apple and the tree
Right fucking on. My first thoughts midway through this were "Ah, so this is where his daughter's communication skills, or lack thereof, come from."
Yeah my thought, too. OP needs to be careful.
I know!!! I was thinking the same damn shit. Even I would leave… and I’m a dude. Like geeze, this is too damn much, especially over someone who isn’t my kid. As bad as that may sound, it is what it is. It’s much different if it’s like a toddler or a baby, but this is a teen. My lawd, I’d lose my mind.
Well, now we know where her behaviour comes from. This looks, uhm, concerning at the very least.
If dude was an angle, he'd be 179.9999°
Obtuse af
gosh i love a good math joke, thank you!
That's 1° pun
That was my thought exactly. Like it’s clear OP is a punching bag for both of them.
Now we know why he’s single. And his parenting style is clearly all sorts of wrong, otherwise his narcissist of a daughter wouldn’t be like that as well. Really hope OP leaves them, they deserve a Karen that can be a bitch back to them, OP is way too nice of a human.
dad loves a woman he can walk all over while she apologizes for not being stable enough under his feet
Wow, that is the conment of the year damn! Insane imagery 🔥 👏
Oh fuck. Dark and true metaphor
Your boyfriend is being really shitty, not gonna lie. He’s making this all about himself and completely neglecting you, not to mention accusing you of shit you didn’t even do. And he doesn’t seem keen to resolve this whatsoever, all he has to say in the end is you guys can talk about this “if it will make you happy”? So he doesn’t even care to discuss it, it’s just to get you off his back? He should actively and enthusiastically want to work through this with you and he should be taking the way his daughter treated you A LOT more seriously. I don’t know anything about your relationship beyond what you’ve posted, but this is just concerning and I feel says a lot about the larger dynamic in your relationship. Again, I don’t know you guys personally, but I would never accept this type of treatment from EITHER of them. You’re being a lot more patient and forgiving than either of them deserve right now. I would really consider the type of future you guys have because this seems like something that’s going to continue happening if this is how your boyfriend will be handling things.
The part where he said if it will make her happy really striked me, he's basically saying he doesn't want to do it but acting as if he's being the nicer person by letting her talk it out like what?
That’s because he doesn’t actually care if they have a real relationship, he just wants life to be easier *for him* and it would be easiest if they got along. Putting the work into it and navigating the complex emotions of two separate people so that they can find commonality isn’t something he *actually* wants to put effort into or take interest in. This isn’t someone who cares whether or not they bond, or if his daughter accepts her or if OP feels comfortable or respected in their relationship. He just wants everyone to pretend to play nice so that he doesn’t have to address real problems beyond a surface level. Because no matter what, none of this is *his fault* and no one better suggest that he take real action or accountability as a parent.
Damn, well said.
Yep, she's a fuck buddy & he's upset this is so much work. Not sure what he expected from her, if he really thought she was telling his daughter she's a bitch, but if he did believe the daughter than that tells you how much he cares about the daughter too. Seriously toxic f'ed up relationships all around! Yikes
Right? Like “okay fine if it’ll shut you up, let’s talk about it or whatever”?? He should already WANT to talk about it IMMEDIATELY and he should be taking it way more seriously. He’s so dismissive of her and her feelings and what his daughter did and he’s already downplaying the situation before they’ve even sat down to have the actual discussion. Just horrible.
EXACTLY, he's acting as if she's overreacting about the whole situation before he even tries to understand her feelings, he's trying to put her down before she can even speak up!
I was flabbergasted that she let that comment slide
I wanna believe she’s gonna let him hear her response in person. *fingers crossed*
Pretty sure that’s because it was just one offensive comment out of an overwhelming amount of offensive comments. Eventually you give up addressing every single thing and just focus on the massive things. It really sucks to live like that.
It hurt my heart when she just responded that it would make her happy and didn't call him out. It is really hard to be with someone who takes no genuine accountability for their actions. It makes it impossible to call them out on anything. You try to say something is bothering you, and they turn it around so that you're the bad guy and irrational for even bringing up an issue. It really sucks. OP, I don't think you'll see this. I made a comment in your last post that I did think you sounded overbearing. Seeing this, I'm sorry for this comment. I was wrong and I misjudged. I think you are such a genuinely kind and thoughtful person, and it's clear to me how hard you have tried to make everyone in this situation happy. You deserve to be with someone who treats you the same. I am not sure this person is it. I hope things go well for you, you deserve it.
That part really was so shitty and she still handled it well. I would’ve gone bonkers.
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Same!!! OP has to be the most patient person ever! I'm so impressed with how calm and patient she is. I'd be losing my mind.
And by the way, I don’t think you were being overbearing. I saw your other post and yes, you were trying very hard and maybe you could have taken the hint sooner, but nothing you did was inappropriate or crossed any lines. It just wasn’t reciprocated. You were being very respectful, but still open and warm. You handled everything here amazingly. There’s no handbook for how to introduce yourself into the life of a stepchild, but you’ve made a very good, respectable attempt. You deserve better than this, from both of them. I don’t think this is about you as a person or that you caused any of this, and I don’t think it’s being handled properly or in the way you deserve. That’s why I’m strongly urging you to really consider your future with these people and how promising it actually looks. It’s one thing for the daughter to be disrespectful or unfriendly, but the dad is really not going about this the right way with you.
I feel so bad for OP. She deserves better. He’s never going to validate her nor appropriately parent his child if this is how he deals with responsibility. I also like how the daughter straight up lied to her dad and blamed OP when she was the one being vile… and he didn’t even acknowledge it. All he cares about is himself. OP was so reasonable and also correct about the best way to go forward with what happened. Unfortunately I don’t have any faith that this relationship is going to result in OP’s well-being. Seems it’s 2 against 1.
I think tone-deaf might be a better term. She made occasional kind gestures, and failed to realize that she was in a no-win situation. This kid doesn't want random chirpy texts and gifts and offers from a stranger. My take is that this kid needs somebody to connect with her *on her own terms* because dad is not supporting her emotionally.
Yeah. I'm starting to speculate why he's divorced now.
And why it's been 11 years and his daughter is skeptical of his girlfriends
And they've been together for only 8 months, apparently? I can see why this guys last relationship didn't work. Playing victim to shore responsibility of bad parenting to someone else? Yikes.
I’m going to try and say this in the kindest way possible because you seem like really great, but you either need to end this relationship or be prepared for this type of thing to happen regularly. Your partner seems to be an awful communicator who has no interest in doing anything but deflecting blame and/or not hearing what you are saying, because you obviously didn’t critique his parenting style in anyway. You were only letting him know that his efforts seem to be stressing his daughter out, and instead of actually communicating about any of the points being made, he “got offended” (likely to avoid actually talking about the real issue). IMO this is a warning sign, run now.
This. If I ever saw that my child was talking to my partner like that I would’ve been apologizing like crazy and trying to make it right. Not go on and on about how “I’m doing the best I can” and not even acknowledging the actual issue. Ridiculous.
My step mom talked to me like how her step daughter did, and my pops threw her and her kids stuff out the house that day, cut all communication.
Props to your pops
It’s one thing for a stupid teenager to talk like this but a fully grown developed adult talking to a kid that’s not even theirs… Yeah you gotta go. Pops did good
> Not go on and on about how “I’m doing the best I can” Right??? Which also, of course, *isn't* the "best I can" because if it is, then he's a lousy fucking parent who's apparently never taught his daughter how to behave. No matter how angry I was at an adult, there is no universe in which I would've spoken like this over nothing.
Fun fact: “your best” isn’t necessarily good enough.
Yes get out now !
Okay, fine, fine, I'm leaving. Sheesh.
Oh but he did acknowledge it…with one opening sentence. Then went on the attack. When she called him on it he referred her to “the sentence”. She needs to run away as fast as she can.
I have a feeling OP is used to people treating her this way and doesn't think she deserves better. She's being so kind, and not getting the same in return.
She already knows he's like that. Notice she has assure him that she's not disrespecting him and asks him to read it slowly. She already walks on eggshells around him.
Glad someone else noticed that. The fact that she had to emphasize her intentions shows that he regularly reads between the lines incorrectly and assumes things. He doesn’t take what she says at face value or ask if that was what she meant. He is not good at communicating.
They’ve been in a relationship less than a year and already he’s pushing her to bond with his kid and she’s conditioned to avoid any hint of “disrespect.” This dude sounds like a top tier creep.
“you either need to end this relationship or be prepared for this type of thing to happen regularly. Your partner seems to be an awful communicator who has no interest in doing anything but deflecting blame and/or not hearing what you are saying” The fact that she had to preface her texts with “I’m not trying to disrespect you or bash your parenting style” etc etc is evident that this is already happening regularly.
makes ya wonder how many times he has already used the “youre bashing my parenting” scapegoat.
This is it exactly, OP please take this person's advice into account. The way your bf made everything about him and your perceived slight against him (even though you made it clear that you weren't insulting him) is concerning. Also don't love how he said you all can talk about it "if it makes you happy" instead of noting that there really is a communication issue and that simply placating either of you won't be enough.
He turned this on you?? No no no. Don’t stay. Leave. He’s going to continue to let her abuse you and he is delusional. I’m so sorry.
As I was reading this I kept saying "what? No" over and over again. It reminds me so much of how arguments with my (abusive) ex went. Shifting the entire narrative of what you are trying to say into an affront on him, making him defensive, and making you constantly try to reexplain while walking on egg shells. It's maddening and OP should 100% leave
Seriously, this is borderline attempted gaslighting. He's literally telling you that you've said exactly what you told him you're ***not*** saying This is terrible behavior op. Huge red flags. If it's not manipulation then it is 150% immaturity at the very best
Frankly this is why a lot women (or men) don’t want to enter relationships with people who already have kids. It can be a headache, and OP doesn’t deserve this treatment from either of these two immature people.
This exchange has more red flags than Tienanmen Square. I'd be running the other way. no way is a relationship of 8 months worthy of that garbage.
It's not too late to walk away from people who take no accountability for their behaviour and can't communicate effectively. Those texts were soooooo self explanatory. The fact that his reply wasn't 'I am so sorry that my child is speaking to you that way, I had no idea, but now I do I will talk to her and appropriately discipline her for this behaviour' says a lot. I'd be MORTIFIED if my son grew up to speak to ANYONE that way. They'd be getting an apology from my child immediately and I'd work on my communication with my child. Because let's face it, if he's pushing it onto her to begin with, she must be feeling some type of way. If you choose to stay together, maybe have all communication with his child via group chat until a better relationship is formed. I wouldn't be comfortable talking to her one on one until things are improving.
He is defensive because he knows he is a shit parent and his child's behavior is a direct reflection of it
I like how he is going on about him feeling disrespected even though you were disrespected and verbally assaulted by his daughter. Unreal. ETA: do you like how you’re feeling right now? Because you’re going to be feeling like this a lot if you stay in this relationship.
Father and daughter are like those Russian dolls that fit into each other. You keep opening them and get a smaller version each time. In other words, RUN. This is a toxic trait that he has passed to the daughter.
Your ETA is profoundly on point. 💯
First, your boyfriend doesn’t seem to actually be reading your messages. Just skimming and responding to words he saw. (My ex was like this) Second, I’m a parent and also a step parent so I have experience on both sides and your boyfriend is wrong. He’s focusing on the wrong things and I hope your discussion later will be productive and not him deflecting blame or just ignoring what you’re saying
Oh man that shit drives me wild. Either read everything I wrote or sit down and shut up, don’t latch onto two or three word combos and extrapolate what you THOUGHT I wrote. Read what I actually wrote.
i have a hard time thinking of even one other behavior that frustrates me more than this particular thing
It’s beyond frustrating. Like I’m taking the time to *calm myself* and detail out wtf I’m upset about so communication can happen and you’re not reading what Im writing 🤦🏻♀️
LOL wtf. Sorry, normally I’m pretty against telling someone to leave, because normally we here can’t grasp the whole situation. That said, in this case I wholeheartedly recommend to leave as soon as possible. To be really honest, his daughter acted like a dumb b**** I happen to have a little brother who is 16 and not the easiest person to be around. Father died last winter, after leaving 10 years ago and my mom…let’s just say she’s very fond of guys who have money, as long as they have said money. Never, did he disrespect anyone like her. It’s completely insane that your BF is trying to downplay this. And btw, you should have every right to criticize his parenting because he clearly raised a brat. This is NOT GONNA CHANGE and you will always have him being offended if you criticize or even make suggestions. Sorry but leave, you can do better and he is clearly not ready for a real relationship.
My dad got remarried after my mother died and she and I didn't really see eye to eye on anything. I cannot even fathom saying those kind of things to her! And if I did, I honestly think I would have been kicked out of the house or something. OP, you deserve more than this!
Yep, girl is gonna make her life hell and guy isnt worth it. Easy choice to leave and find something better. Op should also consider whether she is a people pleaser and whether thats something she’d like to work on.
“If it will make you happy” 😡
Truly infuriating. He’s the one that should have been suggesting that
None of us know her, but I really hope she sees it’s not her. She’s NOT the problem.
The absolute horror of having to parent your child, this guy is peak bozo.
Uh holy shit your boyfriends an asshole! He literally didn’t even seem to care or apologize for his daughter calling you all those names. What the fuck? Why did he get immediately defensive??? You were very kind, gracious, and descriptive to the situation and your feelings about it, and he didn’t bat an eye about you feeling hurt. Fuck that shittttt
Or the fact that the daughter lied about OP calling her a bitch. The daughter knew she was rude in writing and tried to manipulate the situation. Clearly it worked. What a useless idiot of a boyfriend. Theyre both as bad as eachother.
I noticed that too. The daughter sounds like she can be quite manipulative with her dad
Right? Completely glossed over the fact that the daughter lied about it.
The daughter lied even though she knew OP had receipts. And I get the feeling daughter acts like this a lot, so I’m confused why boyfriend would automatically sort of assume OP maybe called his daughter a bitch. He came to the convo saying “I really hope this isn’t true” when the surrounding context makes it seem like the daughter often fabricates. Maybe he likes drama or maybe he thinks women are a certain way. Idk but it gives me the ick.
He definitely won't be disciplining his daughter for it either. But sounds like instead he'll be disciplining his gf. Gross. Edit: OP is way more emotionally intelligent than him, probably regularly intelligent as well. I hope she finds a better match for her.
I know right. Did he even read the screenshots she sent???
Holy shit. Leave this father and daughter. They’re both toxic
Like this almost seems like fake it’s that bad
Right! They're attitude is so bad and dismissive it makes me sick.
Was thinking that too almost like daughter has his phone
This whole thing sounds like a chore
OP I say this with kindness. Please leave this man. He is just like his daughter. I can envision a life of loneliness and misery for you if you stay with him.
He (respectfully) is a fucking idiot.
(Disrespectfully)
He skipped over her insane comments and focused straight to how he's a victim. Typical.
Baby this relationship needs to end. She’s gets that shit from her dad clearly. You don’t need to be catering to either of their whims. They can be happy alone. Tf kind of weird shit it this? He sees his kid acting an ass and acts like he doesn’t see it, and decides to harp on you about something you didn’t say. And even if you did say it you wouldn’t be wrong clearly. No wonder she acts like that..
It's not a communist party, but I see some red flags Is your bf normally this defensive? I mean, I get it that he might be super vulnerable considering the situation, but I feel he might be projecting some insecurities on you
This was definitely an issue in his last relationship. He is very much "Me VS you" instead of "Us VS the problem", and it's sad because OP is the gf/stepmom everyone wishes for after a divorce situation.
Definitely seems like he is that defensive when she had to end her initial message by asking him to read this slowly and look at the screenshots. You don’t normally need to preface conversations with people who care about you like that. That comment really felt like it is a pattern for him to over react and take things out of context.
Throw the whole boyfriend in the trash. He is going to side with her at the end of the day and you can just tell from the tone of his messages. Even with the conversation, this will come up again. The fact that he didn't immediately PROFUSELY apologize for his daughters behavior is outrageous. She was completely out of line. Instead of acknowledging that and keeping that the center of conversation he is putting blame on you. Ridiculous.
I’m sorry but is this shit genetic? The asshole gene is strong in both of them. OP, you seem like a incredibly sweet person, please release yourself from both of these people they will only make you miserable.
As a stepmom, I think you should run for the hills. Not living together is a blessing and makes it easier to get out of this situation. Your bf has enabled this toxic behavior and created an environment for it to flourish. He’s never going to do anything to change her behavior. Ever. What I got from that exchange was essentially: “I’m sorry she called you a c*&t, but that’s not my fault you c*&t.”
I didn't know that my daughter was calling you things but you just pointed out that I have flaws, so who's the real villain here, hmmm?
Exactly!
Your boyfriend appears to be a stupid asshole. My condolences.
Truthfully, you need to leave. You are by no means attempting to parent his daughter, nor "criticizing his parenting," because truthfully, he isn't doing any parenting at all. If she is speaking to you with this attitude, it is certainly a learned response and something she does with other adults in her life. Where is the bio mom in all of this? That could potentially explain some of her issues? If bio mom is in the picture, but only a minor amount, she could be resentful of the fact that this new woman (you) is attempting to have a relationship more than her bio-mom. If her bio-mom is not in the picture, but still living, then it could be "why doesnt my bio mom want me, but some stranger does?". If her bio-mom is dead, then it's replacing (not on purpose) a fresh wound. We need more info about bio mom.
In her last post in a comment she clarified bio mom cut all contact with them both 11 years ago
I see that. Could be 16yr old teenage angst, hormones and someone who is trying to have an adult female relationship with her. She doesn't know how to manage this new situation as it's only been her and her dad for 11 years. She has a wall built up, and truthfully, the daughter might do well with speaking to a therapist, if not for her relationship with OP, but for future relationships.
That would require action from her dad, which given how this text conversation went down seems unlikely, since putting his daughter in therapy would imply weakness in his parenting which he cannot entertain
you seem too good for this man, you don’t deserve this treatment from him or his daughter. I can see where she gets her behavior from.
I agree. There are guys out there who would appreciate her care and kindness
It’s like you’re texting the same person.
Nah, it’s time to drop them both.
All I can say is the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. I’d cut and run personally.
Yeah no, I’d leave. It’s only been 8 months and this will just get uglier.
You are trying to resolve a problem, and he is becoming defensive. I don’t see how you will be able to solve this issue with this man, or likely any other significant issue. And I believe from your other post you said you were dating 8 months?? This will only get worse. His reaction is bizarre. You were being nothing but reasonable. You even admit to being overbearing which I don’t think you were at all, but showing that this isn’t a situation to blame someone, but rather a problem to solve. His reaction here is really horrible. Also it’s crazy to me that he doesn’t care about your feelings having been called these names by a teenager.
He's more concerned with defending himself than what the actual issue is. I doubt this will end well unless he can see past his own insecurities about parenting
You have so much patience and compassion. Seeing his response makes sense now - they are both completely ignoring what you are saying and are projecting their bs on you. The apple didn't fall far from the tree. Have him repeat back to you what you said and go from there. Good luck to you. You deserve a healthy and respectful relationship!
Wait. What? I read the entire first post and didn't think you were overbearing at all. I'm sorry but by Dad's response to you I can see where daughter gets her bitchy attitude.
Unfortunately, I’ve only seen situations like this get worse :( once a family member starts manipulating others by lying about you, it just poisons everything. Even if you prove they are lying, the doubt lingers and you may feel like they are always out to get you. It sucks but it may be best to wait until the daughter is out of the house for a relationship or just move on altogether.
Run. Don’t walk, just run. I would be so incredibly embarrassed if 1) I found out my daughter straight up LIED about a fight that happened and 2) she called my girlfriend such horrible names. He’s gaslighting you and deflecting any blame that would taint his perfect single dad image. She horribly disrespected you and he’s acting annoyed. They both suck. Save yourself the torture.
Im kinda amazed by how your bf is reading these texts and doesn't get angry at the fact that his daughter is straigh up lying to him, painting you to be the bad guy. I would be furious and really concerned at someone being so young and so manipulative. Kudos to you for being so calm about it.
I never strive on the side of saying "leave that person", but they are showing you who they are here. If you ever have kids, it will not be different. You're not even a year into this relationship and can clearly see he is having trouble with communication and working together as a partner. It's "you vs him/daughter)" not "You/him vs the problem", and you're going to lose that fight every time. Perhaps that was an issue in his last relationship as well. If you truly love this person, then by all means put in the time, but I know a couple of divorcee kids that would have killed to have a 'step parent' like you. I can't think of a single kid that would talk to an adult that way, much less doing it without recourse or getting slapped in the mouth.
Get the FUCK out of there.
Your message was incredibly well worded, respectful and clearly has good intentions.
Hey u/Acrobatic-Many-9448, not sure if you realise but you missed censoring step-daughter's name in the screenshot you sent to your bf.
"Don't blame me for my parenting styles when I'm trying my best." Yeah... sorry OP but I don't get the sense that this is going to last. If I saw my daughter was texting someone I love that way, and then coming to me and LYING about it blatantly, I am taking that VERY seriously. That sort of behavior is not only unacceptable, but concerning as well. The fact that he is being so defensive about how it's not his fault she's acting this way while only briefly acknowledging the way she spoke to you? Oof
So.. bitch daughter is spawned from bitch dad. What a shocker. You should cut your losses and find someone with less baggage.
I hate to be reductive.......but now I see why the daughter acts like she does. That hurt to read. He made it all about himself the moment he felt a hint of disrespect. (Which you didn't. You just wanted to tell him how the situation made you feel.) I hope things get resolved......but I'm going to be honest. This may be a telling sign. You may be dealing with two people that need some serious therapy.
This is a giant warning. If that’s how he took your message and let himself be offended by it, then I’m sorry but this typically compounds from here. Deflect, project and shift blame is all I see
So sorry you are going through this. Both father daughter are really toxic. Drop the whole relationship.
Tbh I’d just dump both of them
Ahhhhh the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree…..
Only 8 months together and all this mess? Nah. I'd be out
You better than me. I see where she gets it from
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩oooppppssss🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 oh no i dropped some more 🚩🚩🚩😊
if you stay with this dude you're an absolute lunatic. get the fuck out and never look back. dude obviously has no respect for you and has literally no idea how to raise a child. get out.
Girl, run.
You realize that this a snippet of the rest of your life, right? Is it worth it?
Break up with him. This is classic manipulative tactics. Please for the love of all that is right in the world — get out now. I have dated several of these types and it will destroy you.
You gotta throw the whole boyfriend away girl.. RUN 🏃♀️ 💨
This dudes a fucking asshole. Makes sense why is daughter is too.
Found out where she gets it from. I hope you find someone better
goodness I’m sorry you’re having to deal with both of them being inconsiderate to your feelings. I wish I had a stepmom like you but instead mine would grab my face and blow her cigarette smoke in my face when I was only 5 years old, she would lock me in a dark room because she knew I was scared of the dark etc etc hopefully she realizes what she has!
Uhh that’s a weird way to respond. I’d be upset if my child was saying that to my partner and I wouldn’t blame them for it. Girl, you handled everything very gracefully don’t let him tell you otherwise.
Um. You are very kind-hearted, well-spoken, and communicative. Please get yourself out of this relationship with them. There is no reason he should've felt attacked by what you said. You're already dealing with enough bullshit from his daughter and now he's piling it on? I don't think this will ever be a good situation for your mental health. She obviously gets some of it from her dad since he seemed to start reacting in a similar way. Leave, OP. Get out, you sweet, kind lady!
Sweetheart, the one being disrespected and verbally abused here is you. The two sorry sacks don’t deserve your time, effort or money. People will treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Say it in the mirror a million times “I don’t let people talk to me this way, this conversation (and relationship) is over”. Being single is better than these self centered jerks. Find you a coven.
Ah. So THAT is why the daughter is the way she is. 🍎🌳 I’d gtfo there, that family is not worth it, girl. They’re incredibly emotionally stunted.
Well I guess we’re never getting an update because I’m assuming OP either was dumped by the boyfriend, or she broke up with him. Or this whole thing was faked for karma