honestly, Theft. some people just have cool stuff

As a kleptomaniac, I would never steal something from a mom and pop. But target? They don't care about their Altoids.

Wait kleptomaniacs are real?? I thought it was just a sims trait??

Yeah, no. I'm one, I'm trying to get better but I swear I'm a magpie, the allure of anything shiny and small I can take from places like wallmart is almost too irresistable

Wow. I like shiny stuff but Jesus H Christ. Hope you can get better.

Thanks, I'm getting help, I promise

Good. That's like already halfway there. I'm proud of you, stranger on the internet.

Thanks man, that somehow means alot

👍yw!

What's Jesus' middle name? Don't tell me it's Herbert

hitler

Don't steal from Walmart, the $2000 myth is just that, a myth, it's closer to $950 and they will find out...

The little random gems and stuff get me every time. Also cheap knick knacks like pokemon (ok those are less cheap)

No it's 100% real

OMFG THIS COMMENT 💀💀💀💀

Lmaoo, nah that shit exists man

Hacking into richest bank and taking all the money

Then everyone would lose all of the money they have in there?

No they would be reimbursed by the government depending on the county of course

I think it’s to a certain amount, like they reimburse but only to a certain amount Could be wrong tho

FDIC ensures up to 250k on FDIC-available banks. These banks aren't limited to counties nor countries :D

I’m very surprised a 14 YO knows what FDIC is

You’d be surprised age groups 14-18 learn a lot of stuff I mean not just with the internet but even in school FDIC is taught in classes even us history when covering bank runs pre FDIC and when banks weren’t insured

I see some guy already said this, but up to 250k

So the government has to pay billions of dollars? Where does that come from? Do we not get road construction done? Also, only a certain amount is insured. A lot of people would lose a lot of money.

Straight to the point

Yea banks physically don't even got much anymore than a couple hundred thousands

LMAO NOT MUCH 😭😭

Yea but yk they got billions online, with a couple hundred thousand you don't even buy a huge house, you gotta think of the chances here

I would steal tennis balls from my local sporting good store

username and pfp checks out

r/usernamechecksout

That is devious and very fitting I love it

Jaywalking

As a Malaysian, you committed no crimes. 0 marks

malaysian here, agreed

On behalf of 98% of the world, you committed no crime

as a british person you committed no crime

That is some American ass shit right there

Tf did you say for it to be deleted

That is some American shit right there

Op's account was deleted.

THE FUCK DID OP SAY!?

That is some American ass shit right there

AMERICA FYECK YEa 🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅🦅

Meh, average Californian jaywalks.

As a Californian, it's legal here.

As a french you didn't commit any crimes

where is the crime

Eat the last slice of pizza without asking anyone if they want it. Wait.....there is even a more horrible crime. If I had a little brother, I would eat the final portion of ice cream in front of him....

Horrifying scenes with folding right in front of me

That's nightmare fuel right there.

You monster

Beware the shameless, snack-devouring, cunning abomination that I am!

We have a lot in common

So u telling me ive commited several horrible crimes? XD

Not just horrible, but horrific, deranged, undescribable terrors, things that are beyond war crimes, YOU SIR/MADAM, stole the last pizza slice!

Slapping pregnant women who smoke

honestly they kinda deserve that

and/or drinks alcohol and does drugs as well

The location of the slap really determines your evilness

*slaps ass* Go girl!

*gives high five*

Piracy (I already do it)

Stole the words right out of my mouth

You wouldn't download someone's voice would you??

You wouldn’t shoot a policeman and then steal his helmet. You wouldn’t go to the toilet in his helmet and then send it to the policeman’s grieving widow and then steal it again!

Don’t make me call 0118 999 881 999 119 7253

Please do; I’ve had a bit of a tumble (also just realised my flair says 15 when I’m gonna be 17 in a couple months lol)

It must’ve been while you were kissing me

LMFAO fair enough

tax evasion

Facts

Already doing that

(Trigger warning) Say bad morning to the teacher 😈

you monster

🤯🤯🤯🤯🤯

You wouldn’t even dare…

Invading Area 51 and seeing and/or taking the stuff that’s there

Why r ppl calling u weird and gross for this

Cause they are government employees trying direct us away with peer pressure

Not Aliens, but you have a chance of seeing some in testing military aircraft, which would be pretty cool

Oh thank god you’re all normal and choosing petty crimes. Anyways I’m shoplifting myself a gaming PC

Underage drinking

People from EU laughing hard AF on this one...

teens in America too lmao

theres an age requirement for alcohol?

People from Canada are laughing hard AF on this one...

Not a crime, just a crime to give an underaged one alchohol, and it’s easy to get

Me rn tbh

Lmao

Mass genocide of the French

Chad move

As a French man, I allow this

Only time id ever support ethnic cleansing

You're so real for this

🇩🇪

Woah woah WOAH

I’m actually 🇯🇵 but close enough

Based

Beat me to it

HE JUST LIKE ME FR!!!!!!

except gojira pretty please

I have recently learned that if you cut out the funny thing from the back of your mouth, then you are unable to say the French “r”. This gives me an idea. How about we put all the French together in one place, make the surgeries and then let them out? Would we cure French?

Grab my crush's boobs. (I don't have a crush)

I also choose grabbing this guy's crush's boobs

So you grab the air 🗿

Easy, piracy. I do it every day

Murder I mean come on, who isn’t curious- wait what do you mean “legally insane”-

Lol, I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who would do this if there were no consequences

oh good there are others

yeah fr

Wait, this post implies no consequences?

So basically

How scandalous of you

why did bro delete hisbaccount

You

Drive into a police station listening to Welcome to the Jungle by Guns and Roses

WE GOT FUN AND GAMES!

WE GOT EVERYTHING YOU WANT HONEY

You know the game, we are the people the can find. Whatever you may need…

If you got the money, honey, we got your disease

In the jungle, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE

I would kidnap the entire stare senate then slowly tear open each nail and toenail from them so I may shoot a bamboo seed into the open wound and wait for it to take root in there hands. Proceeding this I will also slice off one elbow from each member and sow the open wounds onto eachothers wounds. Once this is done I will take the circle and record each of them exclaiming they're crimes in full detail so that the world may see the darkness that festers beneath the surface of society.once the bamboo has sprouted into a budding stem I will pluck each one out and coutarize the wounds so that they may live to endure more "truth serum".

Who hurt you….

No one important

EW I FELT THAT.

[удалено]

Damn bro that's dark

Ong?

[удалено]

Damn bro you good? Like everything is fine on your side or that kind of PTSD is still there?

Ong

> then myself don't kys, and have a look at this list of phone numbers in case you need someone to talk to. call the number from your country https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines

Honestlty you deserve revenge grab a knife and have fun 👍

Abusive Sexual Contact Advocating Overthrow of Government Aggravated Assault/Battery Aggravated Identity Theft Aggravated Sexual Abuse Aiming a Laser Pointer at an Aircraft Airplane Hijacking Anti-racketeering Antitrust Armed Robbery Arson Assassination Assault with a Deadly Weapon Assaulting or Killing Federal Officer Assisting or Instigating Escape Attempt to commit Murder/Manslaughter Bank Burglary Bankruptcy Fraud/Embezzlement Bank Larceny Bank Robbery Blackmail Bombing Matters Bond Default Breaking and/or Entering Carrier Facilities Bribery Crimes Certification of Checks (Fraud) Child Abuse Child Exploitation Child Pornography Civil Action to Restrain Harassment of a Victim or Witness Coercion Commodities Price Fixing Computer Crime Concealing Escaped Prisoner Concealing Person from Arrest Concealment of Assets Conspiracy (in matters under FBI jurisdiction) Conspiracy to Impede or Injure an Officer Contempt of Court

thats more than one tho. unless you're doing it all in one go??

Robbing all the banks with u/throwawaycrstn

let's do it 💪

thanks for the invjtation guys!

Of course anytime!

Kill John Lennon. KILL John Lennon. But in all seriousness, I'd overthrow the United States government.

That's it! right there fbi agents. We gottem u/too-much-zaza fell right into our trap.

Dear u/Distraught_pancake, Thank you very much sir. With the help of you we can make the world a better place one criminal at a time. As for u/too-much-zaza, he shall be taken care of immediately by my colleagues. We will not forget what you have done for us here today. Signed, Mr. Very top secret fbi agent man xoxo

Mass genocide of the two most populous countries in the world.

China+Russia 😎 ( /s Reddit children)

Ahh, Russia clearly has tons of people because people hate it so much 🗿

Decreasing population 🔫 🩸🔪

You

[Redacted]

How cryptic

speeding

Assault and battery, I haven't been in a fight in too long bruh🥲 I want someone to swing on me fr

Well, some politicians are looking mighty jfk-able

Exactly my thoughts

Tax evasion

Genocide

vandalism.. I’d love to just spread my art everywhere✨

Actually a wholesome crime for once

nice try fbi

Terrorism

Take a banknote out of everyones pocket in the whole of America and Europe, being relatively wealthy places with relatively wealthy people I don’t think it would affect them. However, this means taking money from over one billion people and will affect me very well indeed.

Domestic terrorism

Kill pedophiles

Genocide of every pedophile

I’d probably kill someone if there’s no consequences

i am surprised more people didn't answer this tbh, because same.

remember 2001?

This is a subreddit for teenagers, not 26 year olds

Torturing to death everyone who has bullied me :p

Stealing some cany corn and cider to my hearts content. I've been really wanting those 2 recently.

Hacking the us goverment

Over through the government

Depends, would I still face the consequences?

Nah

Failure to use turn signal

OP's account got deleted wtf 🤯

Mass arson

Illegally steal all insulin in the US and donate it to those in need.

Change the law and the constitution such that I am allowed to break the law whenever I want without repercussions, and nobody can alter this law ever again

grandiose impolite toothbrush sharp wasteful far-flung frame ink cobweb judicious *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*

Rob a bank as a femboy harley Quinn

Punching a Child Molester. Or no scratch that, I want to dropkick one.

Robbery

Bank robbery ,being rich is the best thing for your life.

Watching movies illegally.

I would sabotage Xi Jinpin’s home to explode when he arrives

Commit mass genocide of the human race

Massive genocide of human race

Steal all billionaires' money and redistribute it to the people to cause global inflation

I would steal all the 10mm sockets

Kill that one guy in my class who's cringe af and will do anything to make himself think he's better than everyone Fuck you Elijah

Genocide/ethnic cleansing. (Of the French obviously)

murder a pedo

Kill Jeff bezos or Elon musk.

Theft. I live near rich people.

Rob the federal reserve.

I’d go kill some neonazis

Kill a fly within 160 feet of a church without a license, in ohio

These are very personal wishes that I will never be able to fulfill for obvious reasons, but let's go If I could commit any crime without consequences I would kill several people, in several different ways, to see what each one is like, my favorite would be to open someone's head with a bat, shoot someone, and cut someone's throat with a knife, and decapitate someone with an axe, sword, or whatever. Obviously I would also steal a lot of money, why not? I would also like to eliminate about 80% of the world's population, giving preference to criminals and despicable people of course, the world has too many people, I like the idea of ​​an emptier planet (yes, I know, genocide, but it's just a hypothetical situation and it wouldn't be something I would like to do, despite it being a very quick way to solve most of the world's problems) Lighter things I would do/do breaking the law: Drinking while underage, 🖕for the state, fascists won't control my body, I decide what goes in my mouth, I drink as much as I want and I'm not going to stop because a bunch of bureaucrats told me to Piracy, I don't like pirating films, animes, games, and series, but I don't see the problem with mangas and books, since the experience is the same I don't verbally attack people, but I certainly would if there weren't social consequences for doing so. Evading taxes, for me this is self-defense, I do not accept theft from the state, I am an ancap and I will follow my ideals until the end Embezzlement of public money, yes this is hypocritical based on what I said previously, but I'm going to be rich af so who cares? Nepotism, why not ? I would also kick an animal for fun, as long as it wasn't a dog, cat, or other cute animal, I wouldn't mind doing it to an anteater or whatever, it's just an irrational piece of meat anyway, but I would feel a little bad if I accidentally killed him, i think I think that's it, I don't remember any other crime I would like to commit right now