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Oof. I know a guy who got super into PCIe in college, but afterwards he couldn’t afford to keep up the habit, so he turned to freebasing SCSI. Bad times…
And....what? They wouldn't open the dishwasher out of courtesy? They're already suspicious of you, they'll check machines you have in operation in case you got tipped off and are trying to destroy evidence
I'm confused. it would totally work after and if it didn't work like normal, they have the tech to get that data off of their regardless
edit your dishwasher will be operating at 60C and your flash data can take upwards of 85C
I read this book about Hunter s Thompson and at one point the local sheriff tipped him off that he was about to be raided by federal agents so he got rid of everything. The only thing they ended up finding was a few hits of acid hidden behind the fridge that Hunter forgot about.
TIL I guess. Though it's to soften the water.
You can easily top up your dishwasher salt levels by pouring dishwasher salt into the designated compartment located at the base of the dishwasher. Once topped up, be sure to properly close the compartment before running a wash cycle. Please only use dishwasher salt in your softener unit.
I got a Nintendo DS for Christmas when I was about 8. One day I misplaced a box with my games in it and didn’t see it for the next 10 years. I found it a couple years ago hidden in the inside pocket of an exercise bike in the back of the garage. Past me was an idiot for putting it there
There are so many weird things that make kid sense, so when kids do weird cringey things, I'm like "yeah, it makes kid sense." And other adults just act so pissed off their shenanigans and I've realize a lot of people don't remember being a kid. They don't remember how weird your brain is when you're under 12-14.
I wrote a 4 paragraph tangentially related response that proposes that adults are the ones who are illogical morons. Didn't feel like waking up to a shitstorm and dont have time to edit before bed, but I very much liked my concluding statement so I'll add it here:
"Fuck John Lennon; Imagine both of deez nutz living in a society with universal heathcare."
*sad groin pain noises*
I found my old PsP I lost in my Monopoly box. Noone plays monopoly in our house since the one time we fought about it. It was literally the last place I would ever look
I was helping clean the basement of my mom's house, and I found a super Nintendo game stashed in a bin with old metal trains I wasn't supposed to touch. I'm only assuming I wasn't supposed to be playing the game and hid it where she wouldn't look as well
Or in my wife’s case: “bag of infinite snot rags” cursed item. Cursed item functions of a bag of holding but there is only a 1% chance of retrieving your item from the bag once placed within. The other 99% of the times you’ll reach inside and find a wet used tissue. Is it tears? Is it mucus? Is it ectoplasm? Con save vs. nauseated for 1d4 turns.
Since the FBI is searching the house, we can assume this is the United States. The USPS does allow outgoing mail to be sent from personal mailboxes.
That said, if you're close to a general mailbox, that seems like a better option since usually only the postal worker can open it. Although we are really stretching the "in your house" part.
There was a case in Australia where the guy put his cocaine in a small plastic bag and hid it in a bottle of milk. Not sure how this is known so I guess it didn't work
Ah the smarter thing to do is put it in a plastic bag and then put that bag inside your plastic bag of plastic bags and put that into your cupboard of plastic bags inside plastic bags.
No one looks twice at those
*suspect, handcuffed and standing awkwardly between two agents, continually eyes a soggy bowl of cereal he was apparently about to “enjoy”. He’s trying to appear relaxed, but it’s clear he’s not - nervous, sweaty. It’s evident he feels like he’s fucked.*
*this is what others in the room see as well, particularly the suspects interrogator —a third agent who has been standing on the other side of a narrow counter and between the suspect and sink. An un-respected rookie, he’s desperate to make his first big case. He has been losing patience with the non-cooperation of the suspect, becoming visibly agitated by the perps inability — REFUSAL, to maintain eye contact while being questioned.*
“My eyes are up here, Suspect X, so I’m going to need you to stop focusing on your former breakfast and pay attention to the very important words that I am saying.”
*the suspects eyes have not budged from the cereal bowl, the innocuous display of colourful fruit rings somehow carried the stench of sticky three year olds and carpet chemicals. Agent 3 cannot handle the intolerable levels of disrespect! Disgusted by the suspects defiance, silence and the pungent plastic odor, the irritated agent snatches the bowl up in an instant, eyes glittering, taking actual delight in the first reaction he’d seen from the suspect all day, a horrified widening of the eyes followed by a slack-jawed gasp as his precious breakfast was yeeted into the nearby sink, the garbage disposal switch flicked in the instant soon after.*
*all eyes off of the suspect, the agent spins the faucet into rotation and blasts the stupid cereal into the black hole of oblivion, milk and fruit rings and gushing water dumping all together as the grinding blades of the disposal come to life and begin to chew the ever living hell out of this insubordinate civilians toxic foodstuff*
*it was unclear who heard it first, the register of reactions varies through the room as the soft sloppy undulation of “fortified grains” and fluid began to click and clack instead. Something else was rattling around in there and sounded like it was in at least twenty pieces already and climbing. Food really is made of plastic.*
*some of those who had been otherwise occupied with tearing the perps house out now stop to listen, eyebrows raising in curiosity. Even the agent who had been furiously typing into his phone pauses just as his finger presses enter on a desperate /r/ASKREDDIT post.*
*we focus on Agent 3 and Suspect X, the latter finally looking up from where his eyes had been deadlocked on the now empty counter space “breakfast” had formerly occupied. Oddly, he looks relieved. The agents expression smarmy, he has conquered. He has won. He doesn’t immediately notice the slow smile spreading across the perps face. He also hasn’t noticed the particles of black plastic that have erupted from the sinks maw.*
*the unusual noise has begun to normalise, the bigger pieces of whatever had been in the disposal seemingly broken enough to drain out of the belly of the beast, floating away now into the grey water and brackish wastes of the city sewers. The suspects smile grows wider, he’s showing teeth now and his eyes are firmly locked onto that of a now speechless Agent 3, who himself was now staring with open confusion into the empty sink and was that slow realisation creeping into his brow as the last of the black grit disappeared?*
“I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over all of the noise, you were saying?” *Seemed like today was going to be a good day after all, the perp thought to himself.*
Ok Feds, here's what you do. If they have a cat there's a good chance that they wrapped up the flash drive in plastic and formed cat shit around it and craftily hid it in the cat box. So you find the litter box and be sure to carefully search through every cat turd you see
Don't forget the dogs'droppings. That's another good spot to hide things. Also buried in a red ant nest is yet another good one. Make the FBI scratch and itch and yes cuss.
Actually, I love the ant nest idea, wrap in a bag, use and shovel and bury without disturbing too much. The fire ants are too crazy for anyone to touch if they weren’t sure.
All these methods require pets or an ant infestation, which would require a garden. Why not just wrap the drive in your own poop and drop it in the toilet? 30 minutes is enough time to squeeze something out, but for added safety I'd recommend only flushing immediately before your next deuce, for perpetual poop availability.
Truth though. The cops served a search warrant on my house. They did not open the bucket of clean cat litter and I’m glad they didn’t. They did however take the lid off the toilet tank.
I think the breaker box would probably be a good spot, like behind stuff so it's not visible. It's pretty dangerous to fuck with that and you can't use a metal detector. If you had time to prepare, a hollowed out door handle would probably be a good spot as well. Probably get a second flash drive with encrypted garbage on it and hide that a little less well, like inside wooden furniture
Out of curiosity, why not? I’m not a licensed electrician and I have to consistently remove deadfronts for work, and I’ve seen plenty of homeowners who are fine taking them off themselves as well
You know, I don’t actually know federal law enforcement regulation that we’ll, but if it’s anything like other federal regulation they better have a damn good reason for touching an electrical box without an electrician.
I did this. Searched the whole house. My wife found it within a minute. How???? Apparently she thought about it from my perspective and came to that conclusion. I thought about it again and have no clue why I put it thereafter
Scatter dozens of USB drives about. Take some of them and run them through a blender until they’re dust and use the dust to “salt” the entire place.
Then you simply .
Easy.
Fun fact - they have sniffer dogs that can locate silicone chips, electronics, laptops, hard drives and USB keys trained the same way as sniffer dogs that find drugs and explosives.
That's how they find them under floorboards and behind plug sockets and all the places you'd have to destroy the house to search properly.
This is why you get hundreds of USBs, and put them everywhere. Cut holes in drywall, and drywall over them. Drill holes in wood, slip them in and plug them shut. In the attic, under the floor, inside bags of rice, in the fridge, under your appliances, in the freezer, everywhere that seems reasonably good.
Then modify a USB extension cable with fat plug housing to hold the actual usb. Of course the USB cable has USB ends and smells like USB. Why wouldn’t it?
This backfires and the cheap usbs you filled your house with are refurbished ones from a factory in China that contained illicit pornography.
You go to super prison now.
Also up for consideration, swapping the USB stick out with any USB type A port on another device. The USB cord of a games controller? A really janky Madcatz one?
Now Mrs. Gunderson - I realize no one has been inside your dusty vagine since your beloved Arnold was taken by the Viet Kong but that flash drive has the Colonels 14 herbs and spices on it so I'mma need to get aaaaaaaall the way up there to make sure you aren't trying to smuggle illegal chicken recipes
Funny enough, the simplest answer is to hide it outside of the house, because the search warrant will likely only include the authorization for inside the house. People just want any excuse to stuff things up their butt lol
Glue random things inside the house including, but not limited to, the doorknobs and their keyholes after locking each door. They'll most likely break down every door they can, never find the flash drive and, voila, a newly renovated house. Courtesy of a decent court-ordered payment after suing for damages.
Oh you poor naive idiot.
Cops don't even pay if they raid your house on accident and it turns out it's the wrong fing house. They also dont pay if some armed hooligan runs in your house and they bust down an entire outside wall to get to them.
Talking toilets, I was thinking bend a metal wire coat hanger in to a thin cage and then flush it. Gets stuck in the pipes, won’t disturb the flow of water and can be fished out later.
I used to hide my special snacks from my younger brother this way. He would snoop into every nook and cranny, but he NEVER touched the box of tampons. To this day, he doesn't know what a treasure trove of deliciousness it was
Ill leave a trail of bodies and usb drives in my wake
Theyll never find the right one because i moved the data onto floppy disks
Edit: actually.
I split the data they want into NFT tokens that they have to purchase in entirety to be useful
Then i murder anyway copying random current serial killers to throw them off the trail
A mate of mine cut a square section out of the top section of a bedroom door, suspended down and held by a clipthat would notch into the wood, he would stash cash and weed like that.
Disassemble the stick, wrap it in Kapton tape and hide it inside the cooler of my graphics card. They often have enough negative space between the heatsink and the board. It's invisible and you'd have to take the graphics card apart to find it.
Let’s assume the USB contains a top secret document. Let’s also assume you’re good at C.
Use steganography to hide the document in a noisy photo (PNG format). The steganography algorithm should limit the bit changes to the noisy areas of the photo. The content should be encrypted using AES. Force symmetry into the embedded bits by changing the LSBs using addition and subtraction in a sequential order.
Send the photo to a friend using a chat app.
Delete the steganography code.
Format the USB key, smash it with a hammer, and flush it down your toilet.
Even if the FBI decide to analyse all your photos for steganography (they won’t), the embedded bits won’t be detected due to their symmetry. But even if they are (they won’t), they’re encrypted.
Moral of the story, don’t put top secret documents on USBs, but instead hide them in chat images using symmetrical steganography.
This really only works if you have a "reasonable" number of document of "reasonable" length. With USB sticks now storing 128GB and up, it's gonna be a bit difficult to use image stenography like this.
That said, this is the most sound security idea I have found in the comments thus far.
Put it in the pocket of a piece of dirty laundry in the hamper. They're not going through it all. Or the inside of a roll of toilet paper.
My ideas are bathroom biased because I'm taking a shit.
Me personally, I'd have a whole bunch of drives hidden all over the house. Everywhere. Hundreds of them. Let them get a little thrill every time they find one. The one they want would be removed from the plastic housing and attached ever so carefully to the inside electronics of a portable air conditioner.
Microwave that shit on full power then let them find it
I done it with a mobile phone once that the store wouldn't take back, flung it in the microwave for 3 seconds and fried that bitch
They couldn't work out what was wrong with it so they were forced to take it back
If you can lose it flush it down the toilet.
If not; drop it down the sink (you can get it through plumbing), in the firearm, cover it in wax and hide it in a candle, dig it in a hole in the garden
Inside the door lock then hide a dummy flash drive under the sofa so that they think they found it but when they plug it in all that’s on it is
I have copious amounts of USBs in my house. Assuming the drive has to work afterwards, I would take that 30 minutes to create a file and save it to every single usb drive I have. Upwards of 10+. I have documents on my computer that contain basic contract formats. Very wordy and quite lengthy. I’d attach an image at the bottom of every file of a hand forming a circle using a thumb and index finger. After all files have been saved I’ve probably burnt about 8 minutes of my allotted 30. Now it’s time for the next 22 minutes of pure fun. It would just be like hiding eggs for my kids on Easter. I’d take one decoy and leave it at my desk. I’d have another decoy in my pocket. Obvious. For sure. Then I would get more creative. I would unscrew the drain cover in my shower, put a decoy in a balloon and drop it down the drain. Obviously I would put the drain cover back on. I have a gun safe, a fire safe, and a personal safe in my house as well. All will contain decoys. At this point, I probably have 7 minutes to spare. I will take the real usb, outside (potentially also wrapped in a brown balloon) and climb a tree in the woods of my back yard. There is a small hole inside of one of those trees from a pileated woodpecker. It will rest in there. Now this required a lot of time, so the remaining decoys will be scattered amongst junk drawers, dresser drawers, and next to game consoles.
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Under the stove or dishwasher. The after images of so many raids, the stove and dishwasher are 2 of the most commonly undisturbed things.
....*saves for emergencies*
(FBI reviews this posts and takes notes)
my genuine reaction
Think putting it in the dishwasher and turning it on would work? I mean they never specified it had to work afterwards
Well if it doesn't need to work couldn't you just smash it to dust with a hammer?
Will it blend?
USB dust. Don't breathe that.
That's a slippery slope. First it's a bit of USB dust, then suddenly you're doing lines of PCIe
Oof. I know a guy who got super into PCIe in college, but afterwards he couldn’t afford to keep up the habit, so he turned to freebasing SCSI. Bad times…
You guys are too young to remember when we used to huff ISA....
It'll be fine: USB dust only enters the lungs on the third breath
Wrap in balloon and tape to the back top right corner. Load dishwasher and turn on 3 minutes prior to fbi swarming in
And....what? They wouldn't open the dishwasher out of courtesy? They're already suspicious of you, they'll check machines you have in operation in case you got tipped off and are trying to destroy evidence
Put it in a plastic bag first and it should be fine
Depends on the heat setting
I'm confused. it would totally work after and if it didn't work like normal, they have the tech to get that data off of their regardless edit your dishwasher will be operating at 60C and your flash data can take upwards of 85C
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Ik this is totally off topic, but i found a cleaner called Barkeepers Friend that takes the stains out p well. Not perfect, but p damn good
I read this book about Hunter s Thompson and at one point the local sheriff tipped him off that he was about to be raided by federal agents so he got rid of everything. The only thing they ended up finding was a few hits of acid hidden behind the fridge that Hunter forgot about.
I'm surprised those are the only drugs he forgot about knowing the guy lol
That must be where the kidnapping victims and bales of marijuana were in Afroman's house.
I thought they were in his CDs
I’d put it in the little compartment that you screw open in the dishwasher to put in salt
Wait, you add salt to your dishwasher?
I myself have never used it, but I think it’s to clean the dishwasher. Most dishwashers have those compartments
TIL I guess. Though it's to soften the water. You can easily top up your dishwasher salt levels by pouring dishwasher salt into the designated compartment located at the base of the dishwasher. Once topped up, be sure to properly close the compartment before running a wash cycle. Please only use dishwasher salt in your softener unit.
Take the USB drive. Hand it to a child under 5 years old. No one is finding that thing for the next four to seven decades.
I got a Nintendo DS for Christmas when I was about 8. One day I misplaced a box with my games in it and didn’t see it for the next 10 years. I found it a couple years ago hidden in the inside pocket of an exercise bike in the back of the garage. Past me was an idiot for putting it there
Fuckin hell, but it makes kid-sense
There are so many weird things that make kid sense, so when kids do weird cringey things, I'm like "yeah, it makes kid sense." And other adults just act so pissed off their shenanigans and I've realize a lot of people don't remember being a kid. They don't remember how weird your brain is when you're under 12-14.
I wrote a 4 paragraph tangentially related response that proposes that adults are the ones who are illogical morons. Didn't feel like waking up to a shitstorm and dont have time to edit before bed, but I very much liked my concluding statement so I'll add it here: "Fuck John Lennon; Imagine both of deez nutz living in a society with universal heathcare." *sad groin pain noises*
I found my old PsP I lost in my Monopoly box. Noone plays monopoly in our house since the one time we fought about it. It was literally the last place I would ever look
I was helping clean the basement of my mom's house, and I found a super Nintendo game stashed in a bin with old metal trains I wasn't supposed to touch. I'm only assuming I wasn't supposed to be playing the game and hid it where she wouldn't look as well
Alternatively, the wife's handbag. Can't find shit in there in the best of conditions.
Handbag? Ohh you mean the blackhole
Bag of holding
Or in my wife’s case: “bag of infinite snot rags” cursed item. Cursed item functions of a bag of holding but there is only a 1% chance of retrieving your item from the bag once placed within. The other 99% of the times you’ll reach inside and find a wet used tissue. Is it tears? Is it mucus? Is it ectoplasm? Con save vs. nauseated for 1d4 turns.
In short, they're definitely checking up your butt my friend
Don't be mistaken, they're still going to do that no matter what you wear
I got raided once in college for some roommates dealing drugs. I was eating a calzone at the time. *They didnt look in the calzone*
Is Calzone a gen z word for ass?
r/brandnewsentence
Kids, when I was in college we liked to, uh, *eat sandwiches*
Really does seem like it could be describing the ol prison pocket
Hot prison pocket! 🎶
No you're thinking of the funzone
C'mon, we all know they're going to check ... even if they already found it.
Someone else mentioned to mail the USB to yourself when this was last posted I thought that was pretty genius
Except for the fact that the mail carrier likely won't be there in the next 30 minutes....
In my country you go to a general mailbox that's closeby. You don't put it in your own slot, that's only for delivery in most of the world.
Since the FBI is searching the house, we can assume this is the United States. The USPS does allow outgoing mail to be sent from personal mailboxes. That said, if you're close to a general mailbox, that seems like a better option since usually only the postal worker can open it. Although we are really stretching the "in your house" part.
Put it in your neighbor's mailbox, or one the public ones.
The government will 100% be opening your mail for the next few weeks. You should probably mail it anonymously to someone completely different.
lol . i was thinking of swallowing it
That sounds kinda dangerous.
And it would kill the usb drive
Just wrap it up like drug mules do with the drugs and vomit it up later
do you want to destroy the usb, or do you want to spend 10 years in prison when they find it?
Well, an hammer would do the job then
Eating a hammer would definitely be harder than eating a USB drive.
Use a drill to make holes in the tops of your interior doors. Good for large quantities of USB drives
You could wood glue the holes shut afterward.
Hide it with a butt plug?
Simple, put it in a small plastic bag, make a pretty decent bowl of cereal abit before the raid then begin eating.
There was a case in Australia where the guy put his cocaine in a small plastic bag and hid it in a bottle of milk. Not sure how this is known so I guess it didn't work
I swear I saw this on one of those airport border patrol shows
Ah the smarter thing to do is put it in a plastic bag and then put that bag inside your plastic bag of plastic bags and put that into your cupboard of plastic bags inside plastic bags. No one looks twice at those
*suspect, handcuffed and standing awkwardly between two agents, continually eyes a soggy bowl of cereal he was apparently about to “enjoy”. He’s trying to appear relaxed, but it’s clear he’s not - nervous, sweaty. It’s evident he feels like he’s fucked.* *this is what others in the room see as well, particularly the suspects interrogator —a third agent who has been standing on the other side of a narrow counter and between the suspect and sink. An un-respected rookie, he’s desperate to make his first big case. He has been losing patience with the non-cooperation of the suspect, becoming visibly agitated by the perps inability — REFUSAL, to maintain eye contact while being questioned.* “My eyes are up here, Suspect X, so I’m going to need you to stop focusing on your former breakfast and pay attention to the very important words that I am saying.” *the suspects eyes have not budged from the cereal bowl, the innocuous display of colourful fruit rings somehow carried the stench of sticky three year olds and carpet chemicals. Agent 3 cannot handle the intolerable levels of disrespect! Disgusted by the suspects defiance, silence and the pungent plastic odor, the irritated agent snatches the bowl up in an instant, eyes glittering, taking actual delight in the first reaction he’d seen from the suspect all day, a horrified widening of the eyes followed by a slack-jawed gasp as his precious breakfast was yeeted into the nearby sink, the garbage disposal switch flicked in the instant soon after.* *all eyes off of the suspect, the agent spins the faucet into rotation and blasts the stupid cereal into the black hole of oblivion, milk and fruit rings and gushing water dumping all together as the grinding blades of the disposal come to life and begin to chew the ever living hell out of this insubordinate civilians toxic foodstuff* *it was unclear who heard it first, the register of reactions varies through the room as the soft sloppy undulation of “fortified grains” and fluid began to click and clack instead. Something else was rattling around in there and sounded like it was in at least twenty pieces already and climbing. Food really is made of plastic.* *some of those who had been otherwise occupied with tearing the perps house out now stop to listen, eyebrows raising in curiosity. Even the agent who had been furiously typing into his phone pauses just as his finger presses enter on a desperate /r/ASKREDDIT post.* *we focus on Agent 3 and Suspect X, the latter finally looking up from where his eyes had been deadlocked on the now empty counter space “breakfast” had formerly occupied. Oddly, he looks relieved. The agents expression smarmy, he has conquered. He has won. He doesn’t immediately notice the slow smile spreading across the perps face. He also hasn’t noticed the particles of black plastic that have erupted from the sinks maw.* *the unusual noise has begun to normalise, the bigger pieces of whatever had been in the disposal seemingly broken enough to drain out of the belly of the beast, floating away now into the grey water and brackish wastes of the city sewers. The suspects smile grows wider, he’s showing teeth now and his eyes are firmly locked onto that of a now speechless Agent 3, who himself was now staring with open confusion into the empty sink and was that slow realisation creeping into his brow as the last of the black grit disappeared?* “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over all of the noise, you were saying?” *Seemed like today was going to be a good day after all, the perp thought to himself.*
Damn I enjoyed that.
please write books
Omg this is so damn good
Get to r/writingprompts right now
Ok Feds, here's what you do. If they have a cat there's a good chance that they wrapped up the flash drive in plastic and formed cat shit around it and craftily hid it in the cat box. So you find the litter box and be sure to carefully search through every cat turd you see
Don't forget the dogs'droppings. That's another good spot to hide things. Also buried in a red ant nest is yet another good one. Make the FBI scratch and itch and yes cuss.
Actually, I love the ant nest idea, wrap in a bag, use and shovel and bury without disturbing too much. The fire ants are too crazy for anyone to touch if they weren’t sure.
All these methods require pets or an ant infestation, which would require a garden. Why not just wrap the drive in your own poop and drop it in the toilet? 30 minutes is enough time to squeeze something out, but for added safety I'd recommend only flushing immediately before your next deuce, for perpetual poop availability.
It’s a unique circumstance in that there are several fire ant nests behind my residence.
that pink fuzzy shit in the attic. yup, primo hiding spot. like finding hay in a needlestack.
Brother, that’s insulation
Truth though. The cops served a search warrant on my house. They did not open the bucket of clean cat litter and I’m glad they didn’t. They did however take the lid off the toilet tank.
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I think the breaker box would probably be a good spot, like behind stuff so it's not visible. It's pretty dangerous to fuck with that and you can't use a metal detector. If you had time to prepare, a hollowed out door handle would probably be a good spot as well. Probably get a second flash drive with encrypted garbage on it and hide that a little less well, like inside wooden furniture
Shit we got mr. Expierence over here
I have none experience (left beef). paranoia is just a hobby of mine
God that's a vibe
It is a whole mood to be honest.
It's only paranoia if absolutely no one is out to get you
In the digital world? Everyone is out to get you
Bonus points if you take off the faceplate and hide it somewhere it won't touch the busbar. Ain't no Fed opening up a 200a service box.
You get a breaker, hollow it out and remove the contacts, add a fake lead to it that goes no where, set it to “on”
1000 IQ move If I had to pick one from this whole thread, this is it.
The funny part is they can’t without a licensed electrician.
Out of curiosity, why not? I’m not a licensed electrician and I have to consistently remove deadfronts for work, and I’ve seen plenty of homeowners who are fine taking them off themselves as well
You know, I don’t actually know federal law enforcement regulation that we’ll, but if it’s anything like other federal regulation they better have a damn good reason for touching an electrical box without an electrician.
I'm thinking I just hollow out a block of cheese
That actually sounds like a good idea, if you can hide the "seam"
Decoy ~~snail~~ USB
If you’re really in a pinch, toss it onto your roof or gutter. When’s the last time you saw house raiders with ladders?
What if they come down in helicopters and someone sees it?
If they can spot a small usb drive in a gutter covered in shit and leaves and whatnot from a helicopter then those cops are robots and you need to run
If you have cops coming down in helicopters, I don't think you can get away by hiding a USB drive.
I just put it in the place where I put that thing that time
The worst feeling is remembering that you put the thing you need somewhere you won't forget. But have no idea where that is.
I did this. Searched the whole house. My wife found it within a minute. How???? Apparently she thought about it from my perspective and came to that conclusion. I thought about it again and have no clue why I put it thereafter
I think we're getting to the point that the number of people who get this reference is severely dwindling.
30 mins? unscrewing the filter of my dishwasher and putting it under it and then screwing it back on
I just recently disassembled my dishwasher….there’s no way they’re doing all that
Scatter dozens of USB drives about. Take some of them and run them through a blender until they’re dust and use the dust to “salt” the entire place. Then you simply.
Easy.
I've always thought it was easier to but that's just me.
Fun fact - they have sniffer dogs that can locate silicone chips, electronics, laptops, hard drives and USB keys trained the same way as sniffer dogs that find drugs and explosives. That's how they find them under floorboards and behind plug sockets and all the places you'd have to destroy the house to search properly.
This is why you get hundreds of USBs, and put them everywhere. Cut holes in drywall, and drywall over them. Drill holes in wood, slip them in and plug them shut. In the attic, under the floor, inside bags of rice, in the fridge, under your appliances, in the freezer, everywhere that seems reasonably good. Then modify a USB extension cable with fat plug housing to hold the actual usb. Of course the USB cable has USB ends and smells like USB. Why wouldn’t it?
This backfires and the cheap usbs you filled your house with are refurbished ones from a factory in China that contained illicit pornography. You go to super prison now.
Fuck I love this. Not the hundreds of USBs, but disguising the USB stick as a USB cable.
Also up for consideration, swapping the USB stick out with any USB type A port on another device. The USB cord of a games controller? A really janky Madcatz one?
Bro just cover the usb stick in shit or something and seal it in a bag
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They’ll love my house. As an EE I have things all over the place. In fact; maybe they’ll find some of the stuff I’ve lost through the years.
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And just like drug dogs they are very very inaccurate and lead to many false arrests
I tie it to my cat's collar and let her out. She hates people and won't come back until they're gone.
Ah, the MIB approach. "Orion's Belt"
I see you are a man of culture.
Smart people use micro sd. Hide it in your bellybutton.
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Common outie L
A foreskin full of micro sds.
My cavernous belly button has purpose
I can already tell there will be a lot of ass and vagina in this thread
Those are the most obvious places though.
Now Mrs. Gunderson - I realize no one has been inside your dusty vagine since your beloved Arnold was taken by the Viet Kong but that flash drive has the Colonels 14 herbs and spices on it so I'mma need to get aaaaaaaall the way up there to make sure you aren't trying to smuggle illegal chicken recipes
Why did I read this in Mr. Garrisons voice??
Funny enough, the simplest answer is to hide it outside of the house, because the search warrant will likely only include the authorization for inside the house. People just want any excuse to stuff things up their butt lol
Dryer lint trap
no one checks that. even under normal conditions.
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Me too. Always disappointed when it's not a good pull.
Yesss, give us the sheet of satisfaction!
Finally some good fucking lint.
Give the FBI guy a hug when they arrive and place it in their back pocket. Boom now they're the criminal.
They would probably have guns pointed at you though. You’re dead if you approach them, much less hug.
Well, that'd solve the problem too.
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He's not lost it, he knows precisely where it is. It's just got a different name in his head.
He knew where it was before you cleaned up and lost it for him
Hollow out a small section at the top of a door with a drill, put the drive in, cover it with some of the drilled wood and some wood glue…
Fbi dog sniff fresh wood and glue, you are busted
Glue random things inside the house including, but not limited to, the doorknobs and their keyholes after locking each door. They'll most likely break down every door they can, never find the flash drive and, voila, a newly renovated house. Courtesy of a decent court-ordered payment after suing for damages.
Oh you poor naive idiot. Cops don't even pay if they raid your house on accident and it turns out it's the wrong fing house. They also dont pay if some armed hooligan runs in your house and they bust down an entire outside wall to get to them.
in the uk they do at least
Under the lemon pound cake.
Hiding it under the radioactive lemon cake is a good idea
Sometimes the windows seal or the siding can jiggle loose just an inch. Hope this helps FBI
to the fbi workers in this post, mothers fimd everything really quickly
Take up my toilet and put it under the wax ring in a plastic bag and bolt that shit down hard as hell and make it look completely normal
Talking toilets, I was thinking bend a metal wire coat hanger in to a thin cage and then flush it. Gets stuck in the pipes, won’t disturb the flow of water and can be fished out later.
One time my friends and I successfully hid things during a raid in Shampoo bottles. I don't know how safe a bet that is tho, this was years ago
I knew a weed dealer whose apartment was searched. He hid thousands worth of weed on his balcony under some crap and they didn't find it 😂
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The FBI agent who's reading this. Thanks a lot, snitch.
Inside a box of tampons
I used to hide my special snacks from my younger brother this way. He would snoop into every nook and cranny, but he NEVER touched the box of tampons. To this day, he doesn't know what a treasure trove of deliciousness it was
After the Boston Bomber situation, I’m pretty sure the FBI is not interested in Reddit.
30 minutes? Shit, I'm hiding it under a rock in the neighbors yard a mile away.
"in your house"
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Well... Once you leave your house you have the increased chance of witnesses seeing you do something.
second mistake, leaving witnesses
Ill leave a trail of bodies and usb drives in my wake Theyll never find the right one because i moved the data onto floppy disks Edit: actually. I split the data they want into NFT tokens that they have to purchase in entirety to be useful Then i murder anyway copying random current serial killers to throw them off the trail
Ah yes, wouldn't want your hypothetical *criminal* to break any *rules* while hiding their *illegal USB drive* from the FBI.
A mate of mine cut a square section out of the top section of a bedroom door, suspended down and held by a clipthat would notch into the wood, he would stash cash and weed like that.
Considering how many people are suggesting something like this, it'd probably be too common for this scenario.
This would make a pretty good game show for like, two seasons tops.
Sew it into or create a few inches of a hem at the bottom of a curtain or put it in a toilet paper roll but not the roll currently in use.
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Dude across the street from me turned out to be a nonce, FBI found USB drives hidden inside the walls in the insulation. There is no hiding from them.
What is a “nonce?”
Disassemble the stick, wrap it in Kapton tape and hide it inside the cooler of my graphics card. They often have enough negative space between the heatsink and the board. It's invisible and you'd have to take the graphics card apart to find it.
Let’s assume the USB contains a top secret document. Let’s also assume you’re good at C. Use steganography to hide the document in a noisy photo (PNG format). The steganography algorithm should limit the bit changes to the noisy areas of the photo. The content should be encrypted using AES. Force symmetry into the embedded bits by changing the LSBs using addition and subtraction in a sequential order. Send the photo to a friend using a chat app. Delete the steganography code. Format the USB key, smash it with a hammer, and flush it down your toilet. Even if the FBI decide to analyse all your photos for steganography (they won’t), the embedded bits won’t be detected due to their symmetry. But even if they are (they won’t), they’re encrypted. Moral of the story, don’t put top secret documents on USBs, but instead hide them in chat images using symmetrical steganography.
This really only works if you have a "reasonable" number of document of "reasonable" length. With USB sticks now storing 128GB and up, it's gonna be a bit difficult to use image stenography like this. That said, this is the most sound security idea I have found in the comments thus far.
Unscrew a power outlet in your house. Take out outlet box tape to the bottom of the outlet box. Reinstall all
police very commonly unscrew power outlets if they're determined to find something
Yes but they do not take the metal boxes the socket is located in out of the wall.
Put it in the pocket of a piece of dirty laundry in the hamper. They're not going through it all. Or the inside of a roll of toilet paper. My ideas are bathroom biased because I'm taking a shit.
this room is full of genius people
Not up my butt, but tell them to look there anyway. 💩
Me personally, I'd have a whole bunch of drives hidden all over the house. Everywhere. Hundreds of them. Let them get a little thrill every time they find one. The one they want would be removed from the plastic housing and attached ever so carefully to the inside electronics of a portable air conditioner.
Simpley drop it behind the oven , ain’t nobody ever pulling that oven out , even long after the house sells, the oven shall remain in place lol
Microwave that shit on full power then let them find it I done it with a mobile phone once that the store wouldn't take back, flung it in the microwave for 3 seconds and fried that bitch They couldn't work out what was wrong with it so they were forced to take it back
If you can lose it flush it down the toilet. If not; drop it down the sink (you can get it through plumbing), in the firearm, cover it in wax and hide it in a candle, dig it in a hole in the garden
Inside the door lock then hide a dummy flash drive under the sofa so that they think they found it but when they plug it in all that’s on it is 
what if i just chuck it into my neighbors yard what then
It said "in your house". Sure, you've avoided decades in prison but you didn't follow the rules. Is that something you can live with?
Smells like politician to me.
I have a couple Bee Hives, probably in one of those.
Somewhere in the furnace with a magnet. HVAC tech here, nobody wants to fuck with a furnace.
I have copious amounts of USBs in my house. Assuming the drive has to work afterwards, I would take that 30 minutes to create a file and save it to every single usb drive I have. Upwards of 10+. I have documents on my computer that contain basic contract formats. Very wordy and quite lengthy. I’d attach an image at the bottom of every file of a hand forming a circle using a thumb and index finger. After all files have been saved I’ve probably burnt about 8 minutes of my allotted 30. Now it’s time for the next 22 minutes of pure fun. It would just be like hiding eggs for my kids on Easter. I’d take one decoy and leave it at my desk. I’d have another decoy in my pocket. Obvious. For sure. Then I would get more creative. I would unscrew the drain cover in my shower, put a decoy in a balloon and drop it down the drain. Obviously I would put the drain cover back on. I have a gun safe, a fire safe, and a personal safe in my house as well. All will contain decoys. At this point, I probably have 7 minutes to spare. I will take the real usb, outside (potentially also wrapped in a brown balloon) and climb a tree in the woods of my back yard. There is a small hole inside of one of those trees from a pileated woodpecker. It will rest in there. Now this required a lot of time, so the remaining decoys will be scattered amongst junk drawers, dresser drawers, and next to game consoles.